The Dr. John Delony Show - All About Marriage Conflict: Personalities, Money, & Religion

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode Is something wrong in my marriage? I tend to take the reins. My husband just isn’t a leader. Husband won’t work me with on money. Makes me feel guilty about everything and tells me I will be a terrible mother. I live with my girlfriend and we are expecting a baby. I am a Christian and she is an Atheist. I am really struggling with this. Lyrics of the Day: "Buried Myself Alive" - The Used tag: marriage, goals/life planning, communication,, anger/resentment/bitterness, money, relationships, parenting, disagreement/conflict These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we talk to a wife who is running all over her husband and she wants to know how she can stop and help him step up. We also have a hard conversation about the realities of being married to an alcoholic. Finally, we talk to a young man who's living with his girlfriend, a baby on the way. He's a Christian. She's an atheist. What is he to do? Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? It's Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls about your life, your marriage, your relationships, your kids' schools, that annoying neighbor, all of it. So glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. James, Zach, glad you're here. Kelly's not glad by much of anything. She just nicknames Eeyore.

She is glad about 80s glam metal, though. That gives her joy. But you know what? She's even glad you're here, right? And if you're here right and if you're new to us man you come to the right place we talk about everything here relational iq mental health challenges and diagnostics talk about um man treating people right taking care of your wife or your husband or your kids we talk about everything and we've entered a new man we just passed like the 70 episode marks. If you've been with us since the beginning,

that's even awesomer. Hopefully the show's gotten better. If it's getting worse, so we've entered the post, no commercial world. It's a commercial time, kids. So today's commercial is for this new gym. It's not really new. It's been out for a few months. If you've heard me say it, man, I had really low expectations for this book, Redefining

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I don't know. That might make it worse. But anyway, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291 if you want to be on the show. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show. I'd love to have you on. We're getting emails and calls from all over the planet and it's just extraordinary. It's extraordinary both in the

depth and challenge of what people are going through, but also some of the common themes that are running through everything. People are stressed. They're exhausted. They just want to be loved. They just want to be known. Their marriages are a wreck. We're just seeing the same things over and over again. You are not alone. Give us a shout. Can't wait to talk to you. So let's start off first.

Let's go to Anika in Tucson, Arizona. Anika, what's going on? How can I help? Hi, Dr. Dondaloni. What's up, Dr. Anika? How can I help? So my question today is, how do I make my relationship with my husband more equal when I have the stronger personality and I'm the pusher in the relationship? Just off the top of my head, I would say don't be a pusher, but we could probably dig into it. So tell me what's going on. What's your, what's your question beneath the question?

My question beneath the question is that I really, I dominate the conversation and I am the pusher and I'm, I set the to-do list and I set the goals and I feel like I hold them accountable. And more often than not, I feel like mom, but this is all for me. He doesn't feel this way. We talked about this a couple of weeks ago. He doesn't feel this way, but I just feel unbalanced. Like he's not an equal part of this relationship.

When did he become less of a man in your eyes? I don't know that I would say that. I would say it's gotten better since we got married. He's just more... Before you got married. I guess so. He doesn't come from a strong family background. His mom likes to call it passive aggressive. Okay.

And he's just a very calm, peaceful person. And I'm just this strong red personality. So you have a picture of what a quote unquote man is supposed to be in a marriage and he's not living up to it. And you're trying to cover, you're trying to bridge that gap by going over the top. And either he's a wimp or you're crushing him, or both, or he's not a wimp at all. He's just a laid-back guy that doesn't get stressed out about a lot of stuff, which sounds like he is a walking Xanax to the drama that you bring into every single room.

But there's a picture that you have of a guy, and he's not living up to it. When did that change, or did it not ever? You just hope he would turn into it. I guess I somehow hoped that he would rise up and meet my level of doing and being and, I don't know, productivity. And I guess I always just assumed that he would, but he's not, and he's not supposed to be. He's supposed to be not me. Yeah, you're exactly right.

So he's not supposed to be you. But if he's not working, and if he just wakes up in the morning and smokes a joint and then plays video games all day, and then you go to work and you come home and you have to do the laundry and cook dinner and all that yeah dude he's a bum he needs to get up and get to work man he's to contribute if he's a guy that he likes his forty thousand dollar a year job he goes to it every day he works good he gets good reviews but he doesn't want to be vice president he just likes his life and he loves you um then he's not living up to the this imaginary thor that you were hoping he would morph into right who is he um he's a full-time

student and a full-time worker he works night shifts at the hospital and goes to school during the week and what's he going to school for He's finishing his undergrad in biology and wants to go to medical school. Okay. He's a great human. He's a wonderful husband. He's a wonderful father to our kids. And I don't know. I think our relationship is pretty good,

except for the fact that you said I just steamroll over him and I just so why do you do why do you do that I don't because I I guess you know why why do you do that well I like to be productive and I like to get things done and I like to set goals for the future and I stick to plans when I make them and but so you've got a guy who's a great dad who's going to school full time so he can become a medical doctor and he's working nights. What else do you want him to do? I don't know. Sometimes he doesn't stick to his study plans and he doesn't move forward with these goals that he has. And I feel like I have to hold him accountable to that, to get him to get where he wants to be.

Like I have to be his life coach. Does he want to get there? Does he want to get there? Or do you want him to get there? He says he wants to get there. Tell me about where you come from. I don't see it. Tell me about where you come from. What do you mean? Like walk me through, how was mom and dad growing up? My dad is, he's very firm, but he's also pretty peaceful. My mom is similar to me.

She's got a very strong opinionated personality, as do most of the women in my family. Sure. And your husband probably married you because you have a strong, fun, loud personality, right? I would hope so. That's a beautiful, fun trait. That's not something you need to take away, right? That's awesome. So, tell me about

your old man. Um, he puts his foot down and he doesn't budge once he gets to us. My mom can push and talk and, and, and she, they, they have a very equal relationship, but he also has a spot where he says, I'm not changing my mind. I'm not moving and we're going to compromise where we are because I'm not changing. And is that what you want your husband to be? I guess I just want him to set his goals and get there and not feel like I have to get him there. So the hard truth is you can't get him to his goals. He's going to have to do it.

And the more you act like his mom, the more he'll let you be his mom. And over time, no mom wants to be intimate with her son, and no son wants to be intimate with their mom. And you've got kids, so your kids are going to take up, for both of you, the affection part because you won't be there for one another. Because you will be running his life, and he will simply let you, because it's exhausting to fight, or he's just not a fighter. And then you're going to wake up and be two inches apart on a couch and 2,000 miles away from each other. Or you can ask him, what do you really want to do? And if he doesn't want to go to med school, then he's not going to go to med school. If he does want to go to med school and he flunks a class, he's not going to get in, right? And then he's going to have to change plans. And what I would tell you is if he really

wants to go to med school, he won't flunk a class. He'll show up. What goals do you think he's missing? I think it's been a hard couple of years for him and a lot of rejection, and now he's dealing with depression, and he's dealing with all of this rejection that he's gotten. Who's rejecting him? We applied to over 20 schools last year. For med school?

For med school and got one interview and then waitlisted. So we've been working for this and hustling for six years and there's just a waitlist at the end. Yeah. And so what, I mean, that's traumatic. That sucks. And is there a part of you that is blaming him for that? What did he do to get wait listed?

Was he not good enough? He didn't try hard enough? He's not, he's not as dedicated a student he prefers to be home he prefers to be with the kids and he prefers to make memories with them and not study so his grades are lower and he's not getting into med school is that is that the result that's what i worry about but he still says he wants to so at the end of the day, I feel like I have to be the one that says, okay, when are we sending out this letter? And when are we going to call these people? And when are we going to do this? Cause you want to go and let's

go and we got to do. And so here's the thing, Anika, your husband doesn't want to go to med school or maybe he wants to want to be a doctor. I want to be a multimillionaire so bad, but I don't want it to the point that I'm not going to be there for my kids' games. And I don't want it to the tune of not being around my wife at night because I like hanging out with her.

And I think it's time for a conversation. If you get in, by the way, getting waitlisted to med school, I've done research, I've worked with med school. Like, that doesn't mean he's time for a conversation. If you get in, by the way, get wait-listed to med school. I've done research. I've worked with med school. Like, that doesn't mean he's not getting into school. I would still keep your options open. But when I look at one of the core phrases that guides my life

is that behavior is a language. And I often don't listen to what comes out of people's mouth. I do on this show because I can't see you, but in my day-to-day life, I listen less to what comes out of people's mouth, and I just watch them, right? And when I'm like, hey, son, let's go fishing. Don't you want to go fishing?

He's like, sure, Dad. And then he drags his feet, and then I go in his room. He's like, are you ready? And he's playing Legos. He's telling me he doesn't want to go, man. He just wants to stay at home. And I can press on him, and I can lean on him and be like, I thought we were going. And he'll be like, yeah, sure, Dad.

He'll do it for me because he loves me. He doesn't want to disappoint me. But he doesn't want to go. And then there's days that it's like 6 o'clock on a Saturday morning, and I finally get up the courage to sleep in. And he's banging on the door, let's go fishing. And he's already dressed up, got his hat on, got his poles. And I know, dude, he's ready to go fishing, right? And so you've got to catch 22 here. You have what millions and millions and millions of women in your same situation would crave, which is a husband that's

not afraid of hard work, a husband that would loves and loves to make memories with their kids, but also got way down the road on something and all of a sudden went, this is a lot more than I thought it was going to be. And so at some point, you either, he's going to get into a school, and it won't be the school that y'all dreamed of. It's not Stanford, but it's going to be a med school. When he graduates, they're going to call him a doctor. And he's going to have to decide if he wants to go.

It sounds like y'all need to have a really, really hard conversation before you invest that kind of money and that kind of time, almost a decade of his life, into something that may not be his thing. And it may be that nursing school or nurse practitioner school or like a, you know, a mental health program or something is going to be more his thing. But what I don't want you to do, or let me put it this way, complaining and nagging destroys relationships. It doesn't help accomplish goals. And I know that's hard to hear, but if your husband needs, here's what he needs, man. He needs a safe place to say, I do or don't want to go to school. And here's how I'd have that conversation, Annika. I would tell him, I love you more than anything in the world.

And you're a quiet, compassionate soul who loves me and our kids. And I am loud and maniacal and fun and pushy. And that's why you married me And that's why you married me. And that's why I married you. Everything about the last few years shows me, tells me that you don't want to go to med school and I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. It would be super fun to tell all my friends

I married a doctor. Then my mom would finally get off my back. That'd be awesome. But if you don't want to do this, I still love you. I'm still tethered to you. I'm still going to like be loud because that's how I live my life. But I do this, I still love you. I'm still tethered to you. I'm still going to like be loud because that's how I live my life. But I want you to know, I love you. Is this what you really want to do? And if he says no, then if he says yes, then I want you to

ask permission. How can I push you into this moving forward? How can I lean in and help you? Because I'm tired of being your mom. I just want to be your wife. I don't want to be your calendar person. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to just be crazy, reckless in love with you. And I want us to have fun memories. I don't want our childhood, our kids to remember how I made you do calendar sessions every day. Because that's not a partnership, man. And at some point, y'all may have to just grieve the loss of this grad school dream, of this med school dream, and make a new turn.

Doesn't sound like he's short of love, and it doesn't sound like he's short of hard work. It sounds like he's busting his butt right now. It may be that med school is not for him. And here's the other thing. He may have worked his butt off for med school, and he didn't make it. He didn't get in. That doesn't mean he's dumb. That doesn't mean he's not smart.

That doesn't mean he's not whatever. One of the things when I was a dean of students at a law school, I realized I couldn't do this. I could have sacrificed my soul and got through law school, but some of those kids were just smarter than I was in certain ways, in different ways, in the ability that they could study for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks on end. I'm much more interested in being engaged with people, so I want a different career route. Doesn't mean I'm stupid. Doesn't mean that I don't have hard work. I don't have discipline. No, it means I was into something else. But it sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a hard conversation and tell him, I want to be your wife. I want to be proud of you. I want to love you. I want to be reckless, but I'm not going to be your mom anymore. And if med school is not the thing,

give him permission to get off that hook. And if it's not, then so be it. And if it's just that he tried his best and he came up short, love him anyway. Okay. Love him anyway. Man, he's going to get into school. That's the thing. He's going to get wait-listed. That's the cool thing. They wait-list you and see how bad you really want it. He's going to get in. I want you all to have a hard conversation about it. Is this what you want the next seven years of your life to be? Med school is hard. It's really, really hard.

Thank you so much for the call. Let's go to Ana in Lakeland, Florida. Ana, what's going on? Hey, how are you doing? The best. How about you? I'm doing well. Awesome.

All right. So what's going on? How can I help? Well, my husband and I have been married for three years. Okay. We have a three-month-old little boy. Whew. So y'all are in it, right?

We're in it and adoring it, loving it. It's amazing. I love being a mom. Oh, that's so cool. How long did y'all date before you got married? A year. Okay. So this is all real fast, huh? This is all real fast.

Hey, hi, I love you. Good to meet you. Let's get married. Let's have a kid. All right, so you're in it. So now what? Now what's going on? Yes. So we might have rushed a few things in getting married. Nah. And the words, yeah. When you examine and go over goals in life and different things, it sounds a little bit different before marriage than when you're putting it into practice. Yep. And seeing it lived out.

Yes, yes, yes. So I've followed Dave Ramsey's plan for a long time. I'm debt-free. I've saved up an emergency fund and he is he's a wonderful guy um has struggled with alcohol addiction issues okay um sometimes that's still in the present um and he is also horrible with money okay his financial plan is give me whatever's left over okay and um and then I make up whatever difference. And he doesn't have money saved. I know that in a marriage you're supposed to join bank accounts and those types of things, but there's not enough trust to give that over yet on my side because I've been very responsible. And I got a lot of reward and value from working hard to get through Dave's program.

And so I can see from the other side how valuable it is, and I would love for him to be able to possess that and know that and work hard. But at the same time, we're married and supposed to be working together, and I don't know how to do that. Yeah, so you're married. And I just get left with everything. Yeah, you're married to an addict okay yes and um here's the here's the the heartbreaking dance y'all are in um addiction is a connection disorder okay people get use substances or work or sex or whatever to numb the fact that they're disconnected from other people, okay? And people have to protect themselves from people who are addicts

because they're not reliable, they're not safe, they don't show up, they don't follow through, etc. And so, then people have to protect them and what that means in a relationship is I got They don't show up. They don't follow through, et cetera. And so then people have to protect them. And what that means in a relationship is I got to unplug a little bit, sometimes a lot, which then leads to more addiction. And then you see how the dance goes, right? Correct. At the end of the day, none of this works unless your husband chooses to get clean. Correct. And he works on it, and he was clean before we got married

and then relapsed a few months into it and has gone through a few of those cycles. Part of it was my misunderstanding. I thought, hey, you get in a healthy environment and you get healthier, but that's not the case with addiction, and it's heartbreaking. But he's not getting the help that he needs, no matter what anyone around him says. So I know it's up to him.

I can't do it. Our son can't do it. Right. It's up to him. And so I'm going to tell you to protect yourself and protect your finances and protect that little baby. Love, love, love your husband, right? And what you need to do is make sure you don't keep secrets, okay?

I want you to encourage him to get well and to get healthy and to create an environment for him where that's okay for him. You know what I mean? Not making fun of him and not getting on to him. And I know you wouldn't. I'm speaking more to people who are listening right now. And not beating him up and telling him what a loser he is and all that kind of stuff. That doesn't help an addict. But at the same time, yeah, unfettered access to your checking account and things like that will create more and more mess down the road. He's going to have to decide to get clean. Yes. So how do you, like if he has an emergency come up, do i just leave him on his own when he hasn't

been financially responsible to no you're his wife and so you've got to plan for contingencies right um so at the same time i mean this is just a messy situation for you okay it is um yeah you if he's give me an example of a, sticky situation he's going to get himself into. Um, he had back pain and needed an epidural, which cost a thousand dollars. He does real estate photography and crashed his drone. That's $1,600. And I didn't cover those things because I just didn't want to, because I've covered a lot of other stuff. And then, like, if he loses a job or when his back went out, I just got left with all the bills. Right.

Which is hard. So here's where it's hard is you've got a pronoun problem. And the pronoun problem is his job, his health, his insurance, his money, and y'all are married. This is y'all's stuff, okay? Right. Yeah, I know it's a pronoun problem. I don't like it. Well, you've got to start speaking that way, or he's never going to feel connected and in a safe enough place to get well.

And at the same time, you've got to protect yourself, which sounds like I'm talking out of both sides of mouth. I hope you can know what I'm talking about here. So here's practical. Here's what this looks like in real time. It looks like until you have committed to sobriety, until you've committed to 30 or 60 days of being completely sober, I'm not giving you access to all of our money or all of the household finances. I'm willing to step in the gap here. Just like if he got COVID and was sick for three weeks, you would step in the gap and do the dishes every day, right? You would help with the yard, right? so whatever other agreements y'all have so this

is the same he's not well he's in a season where he's not well and so you are going to take care of the finances for this season but when he gets hurt it's y'all's when he doesn't show up to work it hurts y'all's bottom line not just his yeah, you can't have your husband laying in the next room over here with a back injury that needs an epidural. Like, well, should have saved your money, bro. Me and the baby are going out for pizza. You can't do that, right? I mean, you could, but...

We got it taken care of. I know, and I'm speaking broadly here. I'm not just saying you, but... I didn't word that one right. No, I just... No, but I understand what... I'm a jerk. No, no, no. I mean, you hate your husband. We hear it. I'm totally just saying you, but... I didn't word that one right. No, I just... No, but I understand what... I'm a jerk. No, no, no, no.

I mean, you hate your husband. We hear it. I'm just totally kidding, Ana. But you're in a mess. And the problem is you're married to an addict. At the end of the day, you're married to an addict. And so you've got to find a balance between being connected and letting him know he's loved and he's safe. And you've got to take care of that baby.

And you've got to take care of you, right? At some point, you have to have the hard and or conversation. I mean, the or if conversation. You will get healthy. You will get sober. Or I'm going to have to make other plans. If his behavior hurts that child, puts that child in a position where he's not safe, puts you in a position where you're not safe, then you are going to be forced into

making alternative arrangements, right? And that's a scary, scary place to be. I know that. And we're close to that. Are you? Yeah. Okay. Have y'all gone to see somebody together? We've done marriage counseling, but obviously that's the issue that comes up is what is the root of, not the complete root, but one of the roots of the problems is that that part needs to be addressed before you can have a healthy marriage. That's right. And they'll tell you that in therapy, right? You both go into therapists and they'll say, hey, when you're sober, then we can get to work, right?

Correct. Have you had a quiet, not angry, not loud, but a quiet conversation that lets him know that you love him and it feels like he is choosing alcohol over you and his new child? Oh, yeah. I've tried to have that regularly. What's his response? Usually freezes up and won't say a whole lot

or says, hey, I used to be drunk seven days a week and now it's only four and you need to celebrate it. Ana, I'm sorry. I wish I had better news for you me too yeah that sucks until he decides to make some significant changes in his life then it's going to be tough

and what you need to make sure is that baby is safe and okay that that baby doesn't grow up in the home of yelling and screaming and fighting and lack of accountability because those traumas imprint on a baby and they are there for a lifetime. Okay? Correct. And he's my primary concern, our little boy. Is your little boy safe?

Yes. Okay. Very. Okay. Well, I'd love to talk to your husband if he'll ever call in. He probably won't, but if he did, that'd be awesome. Nope, he won't. Okay. It would be. I'd love it. Yeah. Well, I mean love to talk to your husband if he'll ever call in. He probably won't, but if he did, that'd be awesome. Nope, he won't. Okay.

It would be. I'd love it. Yeah. Well, I mean, I love him. I'm sure he's not well, and I can almost guarantee he would prefer to not be drinking. But until he puts in the work, then you've got some hard, hard decisions to make moving forward. I'm not going to make those for you. You're going to have to make those, other than if people people are safe and you've said y'all are safe. Um, but until he chooses to get sober,

um, you can't trust him with the bank accounts. You can't trust him with the jobs. You can't trust him, um, to build a future together. Cause it's just built on wobbly wet sand, and those things collapse. And so we'll be thinking about you. Have one more hard conversation with them, okay? Or two. And I'm heartbroken for you. I hate those situations. Addiction just destroys everybody, from the addict on down, man.

Oh, man. If you are struggling with an addiction, please reach out to somebody that can help you. Four days of being drunk is not better than seven. If you're an addict, zero days is better than seven. And if you're struggling, man, with whatever it is, with busyness, with work, with alcohol, with cocaine, whatever it is, please reach out. The people around you love you. We love you. And I want you to get well.

I want you to be able to sleep at night. I want you to be present with your kid and slowly start to heal from the inside out. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to, yeah, let's go to Phillip in Dayton, Ohio. Phillip, what's up, man? How can I help? How you doing, sir? All right, brother. I'm doing good.

How about you? I'm doing well. Thank you for asking. Good. So what's up? How can I help? So I'll run into it. My dilemma is I'm 24, and I live with my girlfriend.

We're about to have a baby on the way. And I recently discovered you guys. I found you through Dave Ramsey, and I really like watching the show. You helped me get back to walking with the Lord, and I really try to get my life together again, especially my finances for the kid. But the problem is my girlfriend, she happens to be atheist. Okay. And I love my girlfriend and I want to marry her so we don't

keep living in sin. So I'm worried as we keep going on and developing as a couple that she could keep undermining me and maybe not want me to speak on the Lord. So I don't know if it's okay to marry her as she's an atheist

and I'm a Christian, and she wants to keep waiting as well. So what do you suggest I do? You asked me a whole bunch of questions here. Oh, I'm sorry. No, you're all good, bro. This is a lot. At the outset, I'm not going to tell you what to do here, okay?

Right. Here's a couple of things. You've got a baby on the way that needs two parents who love that baby. Is it a boy or a girl? We don't know yet. Okay, let's pretend. What do you want it to be? I want it to be a girl.

All right, so I'm going to say it's a little boy. All right, so you've got this little boy just to mess with you. So this little boy needs two parents that love him. Okay? Love him more than anything on planet Earth, that show up every single day, that love each other, that talk nicely and respect one another. That don't yell and scream and show up and don't make drama and deal with the challenges of this crazy world together, right? Right. That little baby boy needs that and deserves that, and I'm telling you right now, Phillip, he's going to world together, right? Right. That little baby boy needs that and deserves that,

and I'm telling you right now, Phillip, he's going to get that, right? Yes, sir. Okay. So you and your wife have different belief systems about religion, about God, about fill in the blank. If you have different beliefs that are tethered to deep deep values you can make things work if you don't it's going to be hard okay so where do you think she's going let me back ask this way does she regularly undermine you not regularly but um how does she undermine you? Not regularly, but... How does she undermine you? Let's say, for example, I would like

to raise my kid in the church. Definitely doing that. She would say, like, she wouldn't want to do that. So will she... Will she prohibit you from taking your kid to church on a Sunday? She hasn't flat out said it, but

it could be definitely a possibility that she just probably just said no. It stopped one time. She said like she would rather the kid ask to go to church instead of me

straight up taking him. Well, all that kid's going to ask for for the first three or four years is a new diaper, food, hugs. Once he turns three or four,

he's going to want to like, I don't know. If's gonna want to like i don't know if it's a girl i don't know i'm not gonna get into it they're gonna watch tv don't let him do it dude don't let him do it because then it just changes everything right um and don't ever let any of your kids watch frozen because the rest of your life will just be frozen related um here's the thing y'all need to get with a marriage counselor pronto alright and you may say but I'm not married we're not even engaged yet

whether you want to or not you are connected to this woman for the rest of your life and what I will ask you for the sake of that baby is that y'all begin to work together on values are we going to be people values. Are we going to be people of integrity? Are we going to be people who love our baby? Are we going to get over petty stuff? Are we going to go over little stuff or big stuff? And that's where I, and for you, a value may be,

I will not marry someone who does not believe in God. Great. Then you need to cut the cord on this living together, let her move on with her life, and y'all figure out with the help of a counselor what joint custody is going to look like moving forward. Okay. If you love her and y'all have different beliefs about the afterlife, you'll have very similar values. You're both people of integrity, both people who respect one another. You're both good human beings and you believe in God. You believe in Jesus and she doesn't. And I don't know why she would, whatever, let my kid grow. Kids three, dude. Kids two. Kids don't ask for that kind of stuff. You teach your kids. You

let them grow up in value systems and community systems. And so that whole conversation gets me frustrated, man. But that's letting kids run the household. The same as a kid, what do you want for dinner, honey? Here's what you're going to have for dinner, right? Because a three-year-old is going to pick ice cream and marshmallows every time and chicken nuggets. And that's why they need parents in their life to say, no, I want you to have structure and values and broccoli and fill in the blank. But that's a whole other phone call, bro. Y'all need to get together and find out what your values are.

And some of this, like, I don't know, man. She may just – you need to have answers to those questions ASAP. Okay? Yes, sir. And the sooner you have answers to those questions, the more you can make concrete decisions. Because what you're trying to do is have the best of both worlds. You're having a baby with someone that you probably love and care for. Is that fair?

Yes. Okay. You love her and care for her. And you're a Christian. Is that right? Yes, sir. Okay. And she's not.

And so you're feeling a significant tension. Is she feeling this tension at all? Or is she looking at you like, dude, what's your problem with you? Why don't we just have this awesome baby? Yeah, she's looking at what's her problem. Okay. So I want you to get with a counselor because my guess is if she's looking at you that way,

your values may be much more closely aligned than you think they are. Okay? And I don't want you to use the tension of an upcoming birth of a child. I don't want you to have the tension of, um, she won't marry me right now. I don't want you to then create this ecosystem where your kid's going to be born into a mess of stress and chaos. I also don't want you to get married thinking I'll just figure this

out later and that she'll just come around and she may not. Okay? Yes, sir. So do the best you can to get real life answers and not just, well, I think, but get real answers. Have somebody that's a professional that can walk you all through this. Okay? And in the process, if you want to, nobody's ever convinced somebody to their particular faith by crushing them in an argument or threatening them or putting their foot on their neck, right? Right. Like, the old scripture, they're going to know we're Christians by the love we have for each other. The church has lost to that sucker, right?

Mm-hmm. And so, I don't think relationships are doomed because people have different beliefs. They are more complicated and they are hard. But if everybody goes into them with a sense of mutual respect, then they can be overcome. They can also not work at all from the outset, and you all just have to be grown-ups and make those decisions. Okay? But you have to get over the best of – I want all this all at the same time in the best of both worlds. It all works out for me. Okay. The reality is you got your girlfriend pregnant and now things got accelerated real fast

and y'all are going to have to make some real, real grownup decisions real, real fast. Okay. And no one's going to get everything that they want in this deal unless y'all both decide for the sake of this baby, for the sake of one another, we love each other. We're going to continue to learn and grow in our values. Our beliefs are going to shift and change and that's okay. That's called growing up. That's called wisdom. I hope my beliefs change a thousand times in my lifetime, but I want my values to stay completely rooted. And does that make sense? Yes, sir. It does. Okay. So what's your next step? Next step is to go see somebody like a counselor. What's your next step? Next step is to Go see somebody

Like a counselor No your next step is this Okay You're gonna Go see her tonight And I want you to look her in the eye And I want you to put your hands On the side of her face

On both sides Okay Okay And I want you to tell her I love you With all my heart I love our little baby Deloney

This dude on the radio Thinks it's gonna be a boy, but I'm hoping it's a girl. And I want us to go get some answers to our relationship sooner rather than later. And so I'm going to make some phone calls tomorrow to find us a good relationship counselor. Will you please go with me? Because I love you. I know you love me and we love this baby. And faith is super, super important to me. It's not going to change. And your atheism may be really important to you, but I want to dig into where we can find common

values for the sake of this baby. And if we need to call the relationship, then we need to call it. Okay? Okay. And that's hard. What I just asked you to do, Phillip. That's hard. That's you putting some either ors, man. But I'm telling you right now, having a baby and still not knowing where you stand relationally, man, just is a recipe for a life of chaos. Okay? And a life of chaos is the last thing a baby needs the baby needs two parents that love love and cherish each other love and love and cherish

him or her so as we wrap up man thanks for that call Phillip this song is from an album that I loved a self titled album back in 2002 from The Used it's one of my favorite songs of all time it's called Bury Myself Alive and it

goes like this. You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines. You almost made me cry again this time. Another false alarm, red flashing lights. Well, this time I'm not going to watch myself die. I think I made it a game to play your game and let myself cry. And I buried myself alive on the inside so I could shut you out and let you go away for a long time. And I guess it's okay I puked the day away. And I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way. And if you want me back,

you're going to have to ask. That's it. If you want me back, you're going to have to ask. People, just ask. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.