The Dr. John Delony Show - Am I Doomed to Repeat My Family’s Tragic Past

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman struggling with her family’s history of mental illness A mom wondering who her daughter’s father is A young man battling unhealthy coping mechanisms Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My father was abusive in every way. And then when I was 12 years old, he actually publicly killed himself in a place that we were at with our friends and family. Oh, man. To get to the root of a couple of things, I'm going to have to make everybody uncomfortable. What in the world is? going on this is john with the doctor john deloney show coming to you from national tennessee taking your calls on your mental and emotional health your relationships your kids your spouse whatever you got going on in your life i'm so honored to sit with you and figure out

what's the next right move no matter what you're going through let's go out to charleston south carolina and talk to jane hey jane what's going on hi nice talk to you john it's nice talk to you what's up um so i have a lot of backstory but i'll start with the question um long story short i'm pretty scared of my DNA um i'm the youngest of six kids and we were abused growing up um and my father suffered from mental illness um and as we grew up i kind of thought it just made us stronger but now i'm watching all of my siblings marriages fall apart and at this point i'm the last one married. And so I just want to know if there's a way to avoid pretty much giving into our DNA. Wow. That's, it feels scary when you feel like you're not in control of your own body.

What happens next, huh? Yeah. And I just feel a big sense of impending doom. And my husband, I mean, he's just beautifully patient and i've got a young son and they're so pure and i just know that if something were to happen to our marriage it would be a result of me it's not true but i also know that that feeling and belief is very real inside your chest and so i want to honor that okay take me back as as much as you feel safe doing so um to me about the abuse. Okay. So growing up, again, I was the youngest, so I feel like I saw the least probably. I can't remember most of my childhood as a trauma response. My father was abusive in every way, physically, financially, emotionally, sexually. And like, we were never stable. We

almost got evicted so many times growing up. We had cars repossessed. And then when I was 12 years old, it came to light that he had sexually abused my sisters. He introduced my brothers to porn at a very young age. And my mom kicked him out of the house. And in return, he actually publicly killed himself. And in a place that we were at with our friends and family and stuff. So It was very just out of spite, if that makes sense. And he was bipolar. And me and my siblings, we just, it felt almost like we made it out of that trauma. Like we grew together.

It felt like we were almost like battle buddies. And I look up to them more than anything. I still do. And I'm just, these are the people that I ask for life advice for everything. and then I got married five years ago and five of us were married at the time and as of right now it looks like by the end of this year

I will be the only one of us married and when I speak to them about it it's all either them struggling with traits that my dad had or struggling with just PTSD trauma

and acting out from that side of things. Oh, man. This is tricky in this setting, okay? So before I start, and there's a couple of reasons why, because to get to the root of a couple of things, I'm going to have to make everybody uncomfortable, okay?

And normally I would never do that if I'm sitting with you in the first time I've met you, okay? So mostly what I'm going to say, is going to be something that I want you to promise me you'll go meet with a professional, okay? And this will take place

over a series of weeks, if not months, okay? Okay. I'm going to say it this way, okay? And I'm going to oversimplify it, but what I hear in front of me is a woman who needs some peace because she's scared of herself.

right and i want you to know that fear is very real and it's right you have seen and experienced things that no child should ever see your experience okay okay i also and this is going to sound crazy what i'm saying right now okay there will be time for anger and deep deep rage but i want to i want to flip something around for you so that you can do the most important thing for you and your family right now which is you begin to heal and so i want you to think of dad's suicide less about a last hurrah screw you middle finger to the family and more of um how old is your little one he's two okay imagine if he crawled out of his tiny little race car bed and he was sick and he and feel good and he ran into your room and said mommy and then he barfed everywhere okay we wouldn't get

mad at him for that it would be awful we'd have a big mess to clean up and everyone would be frustrated but we're not going to get mad at somebody who's sick and just explodes everywhere okay so if you reframe i'm not letting your dad off the hook i'm not minimizing how awful it is but what i want you to do is is take that fear and that anger and exhale it and begin to say okay i have to look in the mirror and i have to ask myself what am i going to do next and constantly looping back to dad means he still has his hooks in you right and so if i say dude was sick he wasn't well he did some evil awful things when he was sick now when you as you begin to heal and you begin to stand up tall god almighty yes the rage will be right the anger will be right and you'll be with

the professional the process that stuff but i want as early as possible to unhook him from this sense of destiny that you feel like you have that you've been cast into okay okay here's the second thing and this is really scary you and your siblings survive together, right? Your healing journey sounds like it's going to be on your own. Apart from them. Yeah. And that's terrifying because you guys all banded together

where you all are floating out at sea when the ship that was supposed to carry you from childhood to adulthood sank right in front of you. And they are, they are, they're on a different trajectory than you are right now. And your healing in many ways will feel like abandonment. Or your great marriage will feel like a slap in their face, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I get that part already. Okay. And so, and by the way, I spoke wrong. Your healing will not be alone, but it may not be with them. And that means you have to go do something that is, terrifying for your nervous system. And that is go find new people to trust. Yeah.

And talk to me about how scary that feels. It is scary. I... It's really scary, and it's hard because they're all my role models. And so it's like, to me... I don't think they are, Jane. I don't think they are. I just feel like they're the strongest people I've ever met so if they can't get past this, then I don't have a lot of hope for me.

I would suggest that they're making choices on a day-by-day basis. Yeah. And that actually feels scarier because the next question is, you mean they're choosing this life? Right. And so the hard truth that I would give them if they called in is, is I'll never, ever kick somebody out of the table, sitting at a table with me when they're making, when they're constantly going back to the well with things like addiction, things like anger, things like rage, things like feeling like intimacy is terrifying because all those things are

true. And I would not do this show. I wouldn't sit with hurting people if I did not believe in the power and the resilience of people and their communities to heal. yeah and so what i i think a reframe is they y'all survive together and in many ways they kept you afloat when you were a little girl you didn't drown because they kept reaching out and holding you right that doesn't mean they're going to be the architects that help you build your new home on shore right and there's a strange way this might flip over time you in fact might become the beacon of light for them. Wow.

And that's how people survive together. Sometimes somebody jumps on their grenade for everybody, and then the rest of the survivors pick up that person, and they carries them to the medic. Yeah, I see that. And so you're choosing to go sit with a trauma therapist, and what we're trying to do is teach our body that family is the thing that will like connectivity deep powerful trusting safe relationships that's oxygen we all

have to have that and for your sweet little 12 year old body that is a nightmare right and so that's what quote unquote healing is healing does not mean what happened didn't happen it doesn't mean we're just going to forgive and forget and go skipping down the road what it means is as for you and your house and that sweet little two-year-old that you see every morning, I'm going to live my life in a way, and it's going to come with scars, it's going to come with late nights, it's going to come with pain, and I am going to, the family tree changes with me. Right. That's what I want. I want to change the family tree. And my mom, she always taught us growing up, she would say, this is a terrible thing that happened to you guys this is awful but you do not get to take this

with you out in the world and treat people like it's their fault this does not become your spouse's problem when you grow up like yeah but hold on hold on hold on that is that's somebody hitting you with a two by four and then telling you you're not allowed to cry in public and your mom may be a sweet woman but deep down there's also a part of you as a 12 year old girl saying will some adult in this house please protect us yeah right yeah and so part of your healing journey is going to come with a ton of rage for her too that's hard because to me she's a superhero i know i know i know but do you hear how this is how trauma works it disconnects you from yourself from your memories from your memories from your identity and then it which tells your body you are not enough you are not lovable

you must attach yourself to other people immediately or you're going to drown and when you're 12 that's true when you're 25 or 35 it's no longer true and those same attachments will sink you yeah and I'm not saying hate your mom I I had a mental health professional tell me like if you don't say F you to your family and I just walked out of the office I was like you're an idiot okay but there

until you allow that 12 year old girl that's still trying to protect you still looking around with her head on a swivel saying oh my gosh what kind of electric home do I live in until you free that little girl

your body would be failing you in the present if it wasn't still looking for threats everywhere yeah and I feel like I'm looking for threats everywhere and the demon for you is you think you're the threat.

I feel like I am. I do. I think it's just so scary because I see traits of my dad and myself. Tell me about it. Tell me about him. Well, I loved him.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Tell me the traits, because you're already looping back to protect, which is what kids do when they've been abused. You can't defend him on this show. I want to talk. Okay. Okay. The trait specifically is rage. I tried to go to therapy and I went to two sessions and she wanted me to get actually diagnosed and I have not done that. But she said she believes I have a panic disorder that gives me rage episodes. And before I had my son, I kind of coped with it by working out or, and I know this isn't a good thing or taking like a THC gummy and it would just chill. me out but you know when i feel rage i'm i'm with a toddler all day and i just kind of shut down and i'm

like why do i why do i feel this way and it's like if if the slightest little thing in a plan changes specifically on my husband's part i just get so mad inside and i i see that it's not reasonable and i still feel that way jane your body is working perfectly perfectly it has run this script before and by the way never beat yourself up for a THC company they may have saved your life it's not a good long-term strategy

but you did what you needed to do to survive but I want you to look for trauma-informed counselor in your area okay and on the first session I want you to tell them I've got gaps in my memory

I come from in a very abusive household and my father died by suicide right in front of all of us in a public spectacle and my mom said we weren't allowed to tell anybody or show anything because it was going to be unfair to other people and then the next thing I want you to say is I'm here because I want to learn

to be comfortable and at peace in my own skin because this stops with me exactly and if a therapist is like well let's go through you feel free to say hey this isn't a good fit for me okay can I tell you this

I did not go through nearly the chaos that you've been through I wouldn't even I wouldn't even imagine to know what that was like but I'll tell you I've done a lot of trauma healing and I don't have a diagnosis my therapist didn't start there

I love that. I don't want to be put under a microscope in that way. Okay. And feel free to say that out loud. And if you're using insurance, they may say, we've got to put something down here so that they can get paid, which is fair. That's the world they're stuck in.

And if you're able to pay with cash, then you can say, I'm going to pay with cash, and I don't want a diagnostic written down. And they'll go great. Okay. I will look into it. But that's going to be the place you start. there will be time when you're going to go back through some of this nonsense but more importantly

you're going to get some real life tools for when I get angry I'm going to exhale my anger's not wrong my husband's still great even though he keeps leaving those little stupid hairs in the sink when he shaves and my babies too they're supposed to cry all night they're supposed to have diarrhea on my dress as we're walking out the door like they're two and I'm going to feel that anger and then you're going to learn some really important skills and here's my promise to you okay my promise is if you'll plug into the skill set the practice of learning new things over time you're you will change your body's default setting where it will go from rage and lashing out to grace to annoyance

okay I hope I can get there listen to me I can say look at me but you can't because we're on the phone listen to me I want you to change your language starting today

I will get there I'm going to get there and it's going to be like a roller coaster it's going to be ups and downs and if you're keeping a scorecard on yourself you're always going to see the negative things Why? Because your whole life, the people who are supposed to love you, only looked at the negative things. Yeah.

You are going to have to outsource some of that to your husband, to a counselor, to a couple of girlfriends in your local area that are just good friends that will have coffee with you. You're going to have to practice safe relationships. Listen, the gates of hell are in front of you. This is not going to be easy. But I'm telling you on the other side of this, it will be worth it. I believe you. And I can barely see what it's going to look. like on the other side, but I'm excited. Awesome. Here's the last thing I'll tell you.

When I put my head down on my pillow last night, guess how long it took me to fall asleep? Less than a minute. Really? And that's what I'm telling you. I promise you healing is on the other side of this. Wow. Yeah, it takes me like an hour and a half.

I know, I know. Because closing your eyes isn't safe. The people who love you aren't safe. and that's your body working exactly as it was raised to act. Wow. Thank you. Cool. Cool.

You absolutely lifted my spirits today. I love, love talking to brave, powerful people who are standing at the threshold of what's going to be a really tough journey, whether it's dealing with trauma, whether it's losing weight, whether it's dealing with whatever's in front of you, and saying, I am worth being well. I'm worth the hell it's going to cost for peace, for me, and for everybody who comes after me.

Jane, you call me anytime. It's been a high honor to get to talk to you, and I'm super, super grateful for your vulnerability. You're awesome. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her daughter that she doesn't know who her father is. If you're looking around at the culture and you're having a hard time knowing who to look up to, I get it. There's so much noise coming from so many different directions and it can be hard to know who to trust.

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watching us on the youtubes wherever you happen to be or if you're just watching this clip on instagram or wherever hit the like and subscribe button it just lifts everything in the show doesn't cost any money and you're going to help out so many people around you let's go out to taylor in springfield massachusetts massachusetts taylor springfield up north up there ish by boston all right what's up taylor well my question is how do I have the conversation with my teen daughter? She's 15 about the fact that I have no idea who her father is. Oh boy. Tell me about it. Um, long story short, I am a child of trauma. Um, both my parents were, uh, drug addicts, a majority of my beginning life until about age 30.

Um, as such, I, you know, found validation and comfort in intimacy with lots of people and I wasn't necessarily caring so much about safety or anything like that. And yeah, so I, um, so that's kind of how I was living my life. And, um, I found out I was pregnant, uh, very dramatically as well. I was sick for a long time and couldn't figure out what I was sick from and went to my doctor and he sent me to get a CT scan and guess what they found on the C2? And it was very traumatic. The doctor comes rushing in like, hey, you don't have cancer, but you are well past your first trimester and I started freaking out and everything and then went to an actual doctor

to get everything checked out. And it turns out she was already six months pregnant. I mean, I was six months pregnant. She was already six months along. You got a CT scan before they gave you a pregnancy test? They, you know, my primary, I was continuing to have my periods. It just really wasn't even something that was even on my radar. And my doctor just never, I did.

And so, you know, I went back to him first and he thought it was food poisoning. and then he thought it was acid reflux. I think they've given me pregnancy tests at the ER before. I thought they just gave you every person who walks in a pregnancy test, but maybe just not in your world. All right, so do you have, does your 15-year-old know, quote-unquote, a dad? Is there a man in her life that she calls dad, or have you been raising her as a single mom?

I've been raising her as a single mom. She does have a male role model. I do have a son who now is, 28. So she has had a positive male figure in her life, but not a dad. And they do not have any type of dad relationship at all. Okay. Tell me about your fear or what you're nervous about. Tell me why you're calling. I'm calling because I just don't even know what to say. I mean, first of all, I have so much shame. Okay. So much shame. Can I interrupt you right here? sure that ends today and let me tell you why i'm hearing a girl not a woman right now i'm hearing a girl

who survived and if you could go back and talk to 12 13 14 17 19 year old you you would grab that girl and hug her so tight and say i got you and there was nobody there for you. So I'm going to say this politely, but not very politely. How dare you judge teenage you? That girl survived. And she survived in unhealthy ways fair. But that shame, man, you made it.

If I've got shame on anybody, it's mom and dad, who, by the way, had their own demons, right? Right. I mean, I've forgiven them. I've done the whole therapy thing. That's really hard because I was an adult and I knew what I was doing and I just, you know, it was about self-medicating basically. Yes, yes. And what what picture did you have in front of you?

Drugs. In terms of alcohol. abuse that's the roadmap you are handed for what to do when life feels really heavy and you feel disconnected from the people who are supposed to love you and give you connection the most so yes you're an adult yes you got to be responsible for your actions and by the way you have been you raised an amazing 15 year old girl right yeah you've been responsible but i'm not going to beat up a 24 year old or a 22-year-old for listening to her screaming body

saying, I need somebody to connect with and doing it in unhealthy ways because I didn't have unhealthy patterns. I didn't have any healthy patterns in front of me. Because, listen, if I'm you, I'm going to sit down with my 15-year-old daughter and say, I've got to tell you about my life. And this is going to be hard to hear,

but it brings me to this moment and your daughter's 15 she knows a lot and she feels a lot right I have a 15 year old they're way smarter

than I was at 15 I just I hear what you're saying but it's hard to feel it because she's just so she's just so young like she's not even like I feel when I was 15

you know I was so much further ahead in life than she was. You had to be. You had no adults. Yeah. You had to be. You didn't know where your food was going to come from. You didn't know what other strange guy was going to come walking through your house.

You grew up way too fast. And that's not something to be ashamed of. I'm telling you right now. I don't lie on this show. I'll be the first to say I screwed up. I'll be the first to say I don't. know I am hearing an incredibly brave and strong woman who had a whole bunch of other options other than I'm going to raise this young girl as my own and you have scratched and clawed

and now you have what sounds like an amazing 15 year old kid is that fair that's fair she's pretty amazing are you worried about her being sexually active no definitely not you're the worried of the opposite you like you need to hold hands with somebody yeah Yeah, kind of the opposite. You know, she's 15, and she's into anime and Yu-Gi-o and, you know, that type of stuff. She definitely... So she's crazy, just in a different one. I'm just kidding, I'm kidding.

Yeah, but... Has she asked you about her dad? Like, explain what the past is like, which is going to be hard, because this is her grandma. I mean, she's been, you know, clean and sober for, like, like, almost 15 years now. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Stop. Stop protecting her.

There was nobody to protect you when you're surviving. It's not your job to whitewash. Be proud of your mom and be proud of her sobriety and be proud of the grandmother that she is. But you can't have that pride come at the expense of you continually beating yourself up. Because in a strange way, this is how trauma gets passed on because your daughter's going to know there's a part of my mom that I don't know

and it must be my fault and your daughter's going to try to solve it. That's what I keep thinking. I keep thinking because she's, I want to say twice in her lifetime, she's asked kind of a question. And one time she asked, do I have a dad? And I, basically, any time she's asked a question, I've just sidestepped it. All right, and here's what she gets from that.

She gets that mom doesn't think I can handle it. Mom's keeping secrets from me, so there must be something wrong with me. And by the way, when she's seven, that's a lot to handle. 15, you better believe it. It's past time. I've been kicking the can down the road.

That's right. Because I just don't have, I don't have any answers to give her. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You have the most important answer, which is, I don't know. The truth. You have the truth. I don't know who he is.

I made some choices that I'm not proud of in an effort to survive. and I have scratched and clawed to give you a life that I didn't have and I think I'm doing a pretty good job but here's the truth I don't know who your dad is I was with multiple people during that time I'm not proud of it if I could go back and change it I would but I wouldn't have you and I wouldn't change that

and I'll answer any question you got but there's an opportunity that y'all walk away from this where your daughter's both curious about who her dad is and by the way she's going to go she's going to get 23 and me she's going to go down every avenue try to figure out who he is and she's going to have a sense that my mom is a thousand times stronger than I knew her to be which makes you way safer of a parent for her

I just don't want her to look at me differently, you know? I know. But honestly, that's you judging you, not her. And I would ask you, don't put your judgment of yourself onto your 15-year-old little girl. Because right now, she's judging herself, wondering what is so bad about me that mom won't even tell me who dad is.

Oh, God. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. This is how it just repeats itself and it repeats itself. Oh, God. The conversation is going to be so hard. Yeah, and here's how I would recommend.

I'd recommend you even write it out. Write it down and tell your daughter, do you want to read her a story and be honest and say i have tried to shield you and protect you from this story because i'm scared about how you're going to judge me i don't want you to think evil and bad about grandma about granddad but i also think in an effort to protect you and shield you from all of this i've also made you feel a little bit crazy because 15 year olds are real real real receptive they have to be that's how they survive

and maybe you say i'm going to read this out loud and then i want us to go for a walk and while we're going for a walk i want you to think of all the questions you have and then we're going to circle back and we're going to talk about it by the way this won't be a one and done thing this will be an open this will be you cracking open the door or blowing the door wide open one of the two and then letting her know i will answer any question you ever come to me with i won't not graphically right i'm not going to go into graphic detail but i'll answer any question you got and here's how she's going to look at you sure she may be she's 15 for god's sakes right there's a reason we don't let 15 year olds buy beer who knows how

they're going to react but ultimately the meta lesson here over time will be my mom has seen everything. So there's nothing I'm going to run into in the world that she hasn't been through herself. My mother always tells me the truth. And so when you say I'm worried about how she's going to look at me, I want you to consider she might look at you as the single

safest person she's ever known. God, that sounds so hard to live up to you. Oh, God. I know. but shame ends with this call not beaten up surviving me anymore yeah

I have to forgive myself but it's really hard to do that none of this will be easy all of this will happen in time you have a choice as to whether you participate in what happens next or not but I've dealt with a lot

18-year-olds who walked out of mom and dad's house and never went back because it wasn't a safe place to go. It wasn't a trustworthy place to go. And I don't want that to be your story too. Thank you so much for the call, sister. Go do the next right thing and it's going to be tough. Go do it anyway. If we come back, there's a man struggling with the stresses of medical school. We'll be right back. I love, love, love poncho shirts. I'm wearing one right now. And as the mornings are starting to get cooler, I get to pull out my favorite poncho shirts, the comfortable performance denims, and they're amazing soft flannels. Pancho's performance denim has that soft broken in feel like you've worn it a thousand times, but it still looks sharp. I wear them to

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Thank you. Absolutely, man. What's up? So I'm in my second year of medical school, and it's probably not the most stressful time of my life ever, but it's getting up there. It's pretty close, man. Yeah, it's really, it's brutal.

I mean, I love it, but it's just very stressful. And it's more of a consistent stress and, like, more consistent in my life than I've ever had before. like I mean over like a long period of time like it's been going on for over a year now and I'm finding myself just falling into like these horrible habits that I've had for a long time but they're they're really manifesting now because of such the because it's been so chronic and I'm just wondering how I can break this cycle of this of these habits and develop better coping strategies I guess for dealing with the stress that's a great question dude

tell me about the stress is you're feeling where are they coming from and what are they um well of course classes i mean you know you got to do hundreds of lectures for like you know one exam and it's just uh i'm worried i'm not going to get it done in time or do well or pass or have you ever not got it done um ever i mean yeah i've failed before but but i've made it here you know you're still med school so whose voice is that um yeah i don't know it's just it's just me is it dad's voice no i mean i don't think so i've been asked that question many times in my interviews and stuff because because he's in the medical field as well and you know people think that i just went into this field because of him and i mean of course he was an influence but really i do really want to do this um

but it's uh i i yeah i i'm not really sure that it is i guess it's myself hating myself yeah um i guess because of the habits because of what i'm doing you know they're what are these habits that that are worth hating yourself over um well the one that bothers me the most is uh pornography use i um i i i i i i it makes me feel disgusted with myself and I just can't get over that. Another major one is I rip my hair out when I'm, like, sometimes I don't even know that I'm doing it while I'm studying. And what's the clinical name for that? Trickle something mania.

Trickle mania, I forget. I'm not even going to give it to you. I want you to look it up. Yeah, I'll do my research. So you've got two coping behaviors that you do. don't like one is considered some form of self-harm the other is a is a fake sense of connection or a fake sense of aliveness if you will and so my deeper question is why does my friend matt a second year med student why does he not like being in his own skin

why are you trying to escape from matt i don't know it's i've always been a procrastinator i mean i always just i just see anything that stresses me it's not just med school i mean any any stress i know that's that's actually what i'm getting it i know i know this this is not medical school is the gas that's getting poured on an already existing fire yeah and so i'm trying to get to the root of the fire who lit that fire i i don't know i'm not sure okay it's it's been i guess it's been like that for for a long time have you sat down and talk to your dad about it about my my stresses about your pulling out your hair when you get stressed without even realizing it with about your pornography use about your your feeling like you don't want to be in your own skin i've been

talk to really anybody about it. Okay. And yeah, that's probably part of the problem. I would say that's the chief problem, because here's why. Secrets will kill you, literally. Yeah. Think of all of these extrinsic behaviors, these actions that you're doing. Think of those as teeny, tiny release valves on a steam, on a steam engine.

The pressure builds up so much. and if there's not a place where it is regularly released it will explode yeah yeah i should probably talk to somebody about it i guess yeah i don't even talk to my friends about it or anything i know and can i tell you i spent my whole career sitting with guys just like you and it's rare that i am as concerned about somebody as i am of you because you're getting close to the edge, aren't you? I mean, I'm hanging in there. There's been more times.

That's not what I asked. You're getting close, aren't you? I mean, no, I don't know. I don't know. I'm okay right now, but I'm just worried that the, I know it's going to, this is only the second year, you know, it's going to get more stressful than this. and you know I don't want it like it's hard to see how it could be tougher than this and I can't imagine that and I just want to fix this now before things get worse so let me

reframe your statement okay I don't think you're broken yes I think you're not well but I don't think you're broken yeah I don't think you're broken I don't think so either but okay you have some strange cocktail of shame and silence and performance and duty wound so deeply inside your chest that it is desperately trying to get out yeah that's for sure and i'm going to tell you right now it will make its way out and always the best way is sitting down and you controlling the release. Yeah. There's a, in here in Nashville, there's a big lake called Percy Priest.

It's a man-made lake. And at regular intervals, they sound these huge alarms, and then they raise the dam, and they release a whole bunch of water. They do it under control at regular intervals, and they let everybody know it's coming. If they didn't do that, they would come. a point when the dam breaks and it blows up the dam blows up the lake and everybody downstream suffers the consequences yeah that's definitely true because you know when i if i start ripping my hair out or watching pornography again then i start getting mad at myself and it makes me mad at

everyone around me that's right but i'm around then i don't even know why i'm mad at them But then they withdraw and then you white knuckle it and then it comes back stronger and you do it again. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Especially when there's about to be an exam or something and, you know, I have to be alone to study and it's just like a never-ending cycle. That's right. So here's an amazing situation you find yourself in.

At your medical school, I promise you. and I know this because I've sat with these folks. There are professionals who are trained for just this moment, and I promise you there are other students sitting by you in class that you don't even know who are going through the exact same thing. Sure, yeah. And so, and with your insane tuition that you pay, you also pay for counseling and medical resources.

Yeah. You also have a dad who's in the medical profession. What's your dad do? What's his specialty? He's an obstetrician. Okay. Is he a safe, trustworthy guy? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's great. How does he handle his emotions? Is he open about him? No. Okay. Never doesn't talk about them. Okay. So I don't know.

So you don't know. So what I want you to hear what you just said is you've created an image that my dad is great and that he handles all the stuff with grace and that he's just the perfect picture but it's kind of like he's a living Instagram reel of one of those fitness influencers that just takes their shirt off and they got all these abs and they're like follow my seven step plan for abs yeah you actually don't know how he's doing it all and I guess I really don't and so if he's a safe person it'd be a pretty awesome thing if you could say, Dad, I want to take you out to breakfast.

I'm not doing okay. But if you lead with, I'm in my second year and it's just getting really hard, he's going to give you the same speech that all physicians give, which is, yep, that's a tough one, man. You just got to buckle down. That's what he's going to tell you, right?

That's literally what they all say. Of course. If you say, Dad, obviously I'm struggling second year medical school, I know, but I found that I hate myself. and I'm pulling out clumps of hair I'm struggling with pornography I'm not okay

and you're the safest guy I know to talk to if you do that level of vulnerability with him there's two things that can happen he can have a tear come out of his eye and reach across that table and grab your hand and say brother I've been there or he can say well you're going to have to suck it up

and if he does that that means he's not ready not you yeah I don't think he would do that you do the first one so give him the chance okay I've got a whole bunch of graduate school

and tons and tons of experience man if for nothing else I can help my wife and my kids and my close friends and family have a little bit better lives that's way more important to me than strangers okay

yeah do I have your promise you'll do that before this week is over yeah talk to him yep are you all in the same community I can I was going to see him this weekend

so yeah though okay give him a heads up and say dad i need to talk to you privately for a couple of hours this weekend can i take you to coffee or to breakfast okay yeah okay yeah and here's the second thing before today is over i want you to have made an appointment with your counseling center at your university okay make me two promises will you make me two promises i can do that i'll tell the entire truth yeah well always to a therapist and number two I will continue to understand I'm not broken there's

something wrong with me I'm just struggling right now yeah okay I can do that I feel like you're going back to solve it Matt on me say that again I feel like you're going back to all right I'm just going to solve it. I'm going to put it in my list, and I'm going to put it in my day planar, and I'm just going to crush it and drag it and go. I don't want you to do that one. I want you to actually feel this one.

No, I definitely feel it. I just Yeah. This is you, Matt. This is you surrendering. What I'm doing is not working, and I want to be a physician. I'm not doing this just because my dad did. I want to do this, and I've got to learn some

new skills. That's cool. Yeah, that's another thing, too. I can't, I just, how can I be a physician if I'm feeling this way? You know, I can't help other people if I'm like this. Well, number one, I promise you. I'm not trying to get help myself. I wouldn't have a job if physicians and attorneys and other folks didn't get all the way through without dealing with their own stuff. That's how I got started in this world, okay?

And I don't want that life for you. The practice of medicine is crazy enough with all the regulations and boards and ensure it's hard enough just to love and care for a patient but that starts with you saying i'm worth being loved myself okay so hear me say brother i'm worried about you and i want you to make that call today to your counseling center get on the books hopefully they'll get you in by next week it's early enough in the semester that maybe they can get you in this week before the weekend's over and then i want you to let your dad know hey i want to talk for a couple hours and a private conversation that we've never had before,

and it's probably going to be good for you because it's going to feel nervous and embarrassing and big. Write it all down and tell your dad, I've got to read this to you because that's the best way I could just be completely honest with you. And make sure you tell them, I don't need a year-two lecture on just suck it up. I'm not okay.

I'm starting to hate myself. And I got into this to help other people have better lives. and feel good and I decided I'm worth that too can you help me dad and remember this if he doesn't respond in a helpful or healing way that's because he's got stuff it's not because there's something wrong with you you'll walk away knowing okay he's not he's not going to be my person I'm going to double down on my school resources and I'm going to go from there really honored that you called me Matt and I can't tell you I can't count the number of young med students and law students and nursing students and theology students

folks whose whole lives are dedicated to helping other people who have been in the exact same boat you're in you're not alone my brother you got you got work to do you got to learn some new strategies pornographies it's a terrible mistress pulling your hair out is it is it is not a healthy coping strategy but i promise you can get there it's going to take some work but you can get there in a couple years, I want you to send me your graduation announcement because I think you're going to do a great, great job. Few physicians will be as compassionate as you are

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so this caller asked to remain anonymous so we are going to call her sarah and she writes I started listening to Dr. Deloney's podcast in late 2022. I binged the podcast until I was completely caught up and still listened to every episode as soon as it drops. When I started listening, I started to understand how scary and dangerous my relationship was. The part of the ups and downs of our relationships should not include cheating, abuse, and loneliness. I started to really see my 19-year marriage for what it was, not what it could be. I started taking the next right step. I almost did not make it out, but I did.

I'm a year post-divorce and living a life I never knew I could have. I know divorce is not something to typically celebrate. However, in my case, it might have saved my life. Thank you for understanding, thank you for helping me understand that the next right step might be hard, but worth it. Amen, amen, amen. I'm proud of you, Sarah. And for everybody out there, this was a difficult show,

for everybody out there who's looking in the mirror saying I can't keep doing life like I'm doing right now and the pain of change is going to be tremendous remember Sarah's words you can't even imagine the piece on the other side and it is hard hard and it's worth every step love you guys it's an honor to walk with you see you soon Thank you.