The Dr. John Delony Show - Am I Sabotaging My Marriage?

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife who thinks she’s being abusive to her husband - A woman who doesn’t like the new school guidance counselor - A mom who had a surprise pregnancy at 40 To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "Teenage Dirtbag" - Wheatus Enter The Ramsey Cash Giveaway for a chance to win $3,000!  https://bit.ly/TDJDSgvwy Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I don't know, I'm like a horrible wife, and I don't want to be a horrible wife, and I try not to be a horrible wife, and it's like I don't realize I'm being a horrible wife. Tell me how you're a horrible wife. I don't know, I'm just not kind to him, and I don't know how to stop because I don't see that I'm doing it until after I've done it. Husbands across the country are cheering as they're listening to this. What's up, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show.

Show where we talk about your marriage or your mental health or boundaries, hard decisions you've got to make dealing with kids, whatever's going on in your life. When it comes to your relationships, your mental health, to what's going on in the kids' schools comes to your relationships your mental health To what's going on in the kids schools all of it We've entered into this vortex where there's experts on every corner yelling and screaming Very few people are telling the truth anymore and there's just so much chaos and so much noise and I spent The first I don't know A long time. I tried to disappear from the internet. I didn't want to participate in any of this. I wanted out. And I had a counseling professor who put her

finger in my chest and she said, you don't get to do that. You don't get to walk away. You got to get involved. And I didn't know involvement was going to be hosting a podcast and doing everything on the internet, but here we are. And with the YouTube show, all of it. So here's my promise. I i'm gonna cut through the noise I'm gonna sit with you and we're gonna figure it out What whatever's going on in your life and we're gonna get you to the to the help that you need or help you to the Next right step if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com

ask and Pre-sale for building a non-anxious life is live 693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And pre-sale for Building a Non-Anxious Life is live. I'm super hyped about this book. You can see it up there. I'm going to see if Nate Dogg can point up to it for the YouTube gang. It's up there. You can see it. Look at that.

Look at that fancy book. Way to go, Nate Dogg. That was some camera work right there. Hey, I was talking to our team this morning. We have about a thousand people that work here at the way that I haven't ever. And to say some things out loud with a therapist and with my people that I care about and love that I never said before. And to really dig into what's the idea, what am I doing here? And more importantly, what does a non-anxious life look like? What's the point? And it's been a transformative year to say the least. And from everything from physiological metrics to heart rate metrics to my daughter that I can't get from hugging me anymore, which is just making me smile right now, to a better marriage, to just all, everything, everything, every aspect. Is everything

perfect? Absolutely not. Are things coming sideways? Yes. Have I been pissed off? Yes. And I'm not anxious about it. I'm not chronically stressed about it. I'm not burned out.

Check this book out. It's 20 bucks. Building a non-anxious life. It comes with some stuff, and we're going to keep adding stuff as we go. But go to johndeloney.com and check it out. Hey, before we go to the call, Kelly, top five, dude. I know.

Look at us. I know. The little engine that could. We're like legit. All these 17 listeners, man, they are refreshing like a bunch of gangsters, man. God bless them. God bless the 17. The OG 17.

The rankings came out the other day and we are number four. Um, and it's pretty exciting stuff, man. We were pretty hyped, uh, four in, uh, was the health and fitness.

I don't remember what the categories are, but pretty exciting stuff, dude. It's awesome. Um, that's all I'll say about that. And, and my friend,

Sean Ryan, his show went to number two on the big boy list. It's like Rogan and the Sean Ryan show. And he's guy down the street from me. I'm super proud of him, the former Navy SEAL, and he's just doing an amazing job with his show, too. All right, let's

go out to Danny in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Danny? Hey. How's it going? You all right? Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just super nervous, and then I listen to your show, and people are like, I'm alright I'm just super nervous And then I listen to your show and people are like, I'm so nervous And I'm like, oh my gosh, get over it

And now I'm super nervous Hey, well now you've made me nervous Now this whole thing's just going to be a jittery mess It's all good, what's up? I just wrote to you because I don't know, I'm like a horrible wife And I don't want to be a horrible wife And I try not to be a horrible wife And it's like, I don't realize I'm being a horrible wife and I don't want to be a horrible wife and I try not to be a horrible wife.

And it's like, I don't realize I'm being a horrible wife till I've already like done it. And yeah, I just could use some insight about that. Tell me how you're a horrible wife. Like, I'm just like super dismissive of my husband and I just speak to him like really like cold and like, I don't know, I'm just not really like cold and like I don't know I'm just not kind to him and I don't I don't know why like how can I say it like I don't know I'm just not kind to

him like I'm very like short with him and I don't have a lot of patience and even when he's like playful like I'll think in my mind like you know react be be playful as well and then instead I'll be like rude and then I won't even see that I'm being like rude to him until hindsight I'm like oh crap that was like really mean and sometimes I even like cry and like apologize to him you know and you know he accepts my apology we've been like friends for literally 18 years but I feel like it's beating him down he literally has like some gray hairs now years, but I feel like it's beating him down. And he literally has like some gray hairs now. And then I feel guilty. Like those are my gray hairs, you know, like I did that. And, um, I don't know. I just don't want to be that

person. I feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage, like literally. And then I don't know how to stop because I don't see that I'm doing it till after I've done it. Number one, dude, husbands across the country are cheering as they're listening to this. And here's why. Here's why. After 18 years, it's hard to look in the mirror and say, oh, dude, what if I'm the problem? Right? Like, what if I'm contributing something significant to this? So, dude, high five to you. Way to go, Dani. So, and let's be honest, you and I could dig into your backstory for a while. That's hard to say out loud what you just said, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it is because I've just been working on it and it's, I can't, I'm kind of, I want to say I can't, but it's surrender. It's surrender. What you're doing is not working. How about that? Yeah, exactly. So often when somebody walks me through a story like you just did, there are some deep, deep roots in

that, that, that type of response. Either you grew up in an abusive situation or a chaotic situation or a situation where you had to run the show in some or you were asked to run the show. Tell me about growing up. What was it like? Well, that's crazy that you said about running the show because that's I feel like I have to keep everything together. Because, OK, so my dad was an alcoholic like r.i.p um but um yeah he was and i don't know my mom was just like really like passive about it she didn't really stop him from being chaotic like he wasn't like physically or abusive like that but he would like rage out and just kind of just cause a really hostile home environment. And my mom was like really passive. She was just like, quote unquote, keeping the peace.

And listen, you were not going to be her. You'll be damned if you're going to let the man you love just die, right? You're not going to be her, right? Not going to do that. Yeah, but not even just die. Just like, how could you let someone be crazy like that? And so as a kid, I would literally go toe-to-toe with my dad. He never hit me or anything crazy, but I'd be the one arguing like,

hey, you can't be screaming like that. I would literally be a little girl telling my dad, pull it. Because he would bring all that negative energy into the home. And then my mom would be like, no, go to your room. We have to keep the peace. And it's like, bro, there's no peace here. Listen to me. Listen to me.

Dude. Sorry. No, no, don't be sorry. I'm proud of you and I'm heartbroken for you. Because I got a seven-year-old little girl right now. And I'm just picturing her having to stand up to me. And it breaks my heart. Because that wasn't your job, man.

That was your dad's job. That was your dad's job. That was your mom's job. And at the same time, when you have that little girl fighting, there's also a huge part of that little girl's heart wondering, what is so bad about me and mom that you have to be like this? Or when dad's seven beers in and he's sitting on the couch and he's right there, but he's not present. And you're wondering where he is. Kind of like a dad staring at a cell phone.

And I want you to internalize what I'm about to tell you. Your nervous system, this is a part of your wiring, has equated love with that man as a fight. And so when you lean in to love your husband, your body has one path that it follows, and that is fight. That is war. And you can tell yourself, I'm entering into a space of love with a guy that I love, the guy that treats me right, the guy that shows up. He's a goofball, of course, but man, he's awesome. And you get right at him and then war begins. Am I onto something? Yeah, yeah, for sure.

So what you're going to have to decide to do, and it's nothing short of completely changing how you interact with the world. Sometimes on the show, I tell people like, man, this is as simple as you guys got to do this and this. And then you can clear this thing up, whatever this thing is. For you, Danny, this is going to be a radical change of how you interact with yourself and how you interact with the world.

And here's what's scary about what I'm asking you to do. This is what kept you alive as a kid. This is what kept your house safe. And I'm asking you to put the sword and the shield down and you're going to feel totally exposed. And it's going to feel terrifying. It's going to feel scary because the only way your body knows safe is war. But you said it perfectly. And you said something powerful, but I want to one-up you. Is that cool? Oh, of course. You said you've been with this guy for 18 years. At this point, he's a part of you, right? Your heart's beat together. Your lungs breathe together. Y'all

are together. And he knows you and he loves you. He loves how fiery you are. He loves all that. And you said, I feel like I'm beating him down. Can I one-up you on that? I feel like you're drowning my friend, Danny. I think you're tired of this too. Is that fair? Extremely, guys. So I want to tell you something crazy, okay? Our childhoods were different. My dad wasn't an alcoholic But I did have some A lot of chaos And I did have some

Some heavy things Only recently In the past year Have I done some work with a counselor Who knew what she was doing That my body has stopped Fighting everything I'm a pretty peaceful guy.

I laugh all the time, just a goofball. I'm late to everything, just kind of like making my way through the world, right? But I didn't know that my body was going and churning and fighting all the time, all of the time. And I track my heart rate. My heart rate variability has escalated significantly. My heart beats per minute have gone down.

It's a body that is no longer at war. Can I spin the machine up if I have to? You're damn right I can, but I don't have to. Are you in on that? Yes, for sure. Danny, I fall asleep with no medicine. I just fall asleep because I'm tired at night. My wife and I went on a long, long vacation recently, and a couple days in, we had the obligatory fight,

and then I was like, I just want to go home, but I'm already here. And we worked it out, and we had an amazing vacation. Can you imagine that? Yeah, I can. I feel like I get in my own way a lot. But why? What does that get you? It gets you nothing.

Just like shame. That's right. That's right. But listen, that seven-year-old little Danny had to get her way or somebody got hurt. And so it's not wrong that your body's wired for that. But the thing that kept you alive as a kid is going to destroy everything as an adult. I'm going to do a couple of things for you, okay? Number one, I'm going to send you free of charge both of my books, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and I'm going to send you my brand new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life.

Okay? But you got to promise me you'll actually read them. And I'll send you the audio books too That way if you're not a reader You can just put them in your headphones and listen Oh I love reading But you gotta work through the exercises in the back Okay

At the end of each chapter That's number one Number two You have to get some sort of cheap journal Okay Go to Walmart and get one Go to Walgreens and get one, get a really fancy one off the internet. I don't care. But what you have to begin doing in real

time is you have to begin challenging those thoughts that I have to, whenever you say the words, I have to, or I have to keep it all together. yourself or what or what happens we're five minutes late. We missed the first quarter Is that worth my marriage? Or we the burger place that we wanted to eat is full and so we got to go get chicken. I mean is that is that it? And so every time you think to yourself I to, I want you to stop. It's going to take, be an annoying 30 to 60 days doing this. You're going to catch yourself and you're going to be stunned at how awful

you talk to Danny. Because you're mean to her, aren't you? Yeah, I am. You got to stop. So I want you to reframe this sucker as, I'm not trying to not be a horrible wife.

I'm trying to build a life that is at peace so that I can love this goofball with all the love that he's worth. Right. Yes, most definitely. And like, I don't want to show that to my kids. I'm so blessed to be talking to you because like, my kids are super, super little. And, um, I'm hoping that, you know, I can get it together before it can cause like issue, like in my family. So let me tell you this. I've talked about this on the show a lot, but I'm gonna tell you just personally. Okay. And then I'm going to let you go. I want you

to hang on the line and I want you to, uh, we're going to get these books sent out to you. Um, I'm an amazing savant. Um, and I'm going to say in that, cause I'm a parent, we're going to get these books sent out to you. I'm an amazing savant. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a parent. I'm saying that because I've been an educator for a long time. I got a really savant, brilliant little girl. She's seven. And I've got a son who's humongous. He's very, very tall for his age.

And my daughter's very small. And you know this as well as I do, that hugs from your kid are healing. They're therapeutic, right? And my daughter, it was really, when I would pick her up, she would get real rigid. This is when she's five or six. We're having full conversations, laughing,

going fishing together, but when I would try to hug her, she would duck and move and bob and weave. She had a whole system. And I thought something was wrong with me. I thought something was wrong with her. I thought something, I didn't know what the deal was. It's so weird. My son will hug anytime. He's super, super into hugging. And then my wife mentioned it. My counselor mentioned it. I did some reading. My daughter's body had recognized I'm not safe. There's some sort of internal churn, internal reactor. It's hot. I never

scream in my house. I don't swear in my house. I don't hit anybody in my house, but my daughter could feel, her tiny little body could sense that guy's not safe. And I want to tell you, you probably have one of, you've got several kids, you got one of them that's like that, and you got one of them that is super, super clingy. Does that sound right? Well, I have one. I'm going to have another one next week. Oh, wow.

You're in it now. Awesome. Which one is your other one? He's two. Okay. Is he super, super, super clingy or is he running around? He's all over the place. Okay.

All right. Often little kids, one of them will feel like it's their job to make sure mom and dad are okay. Oh no, no, no. The other one, I know the other one will try to make sure that they don't get near mom and

dad, even though they're trapped in the same house. I want you to know on the other side of this, on the other side of healing, I can't keep my daughter off me anymore. She's like a monkey. She curls up in my lap. She's on me all the time.

And I can't tell you what a gift it is. And why do I tell you all that? Not because I'm special. I promise you, I promise you, Danny, I'm not. I'm a mess. But I'm telling you that because if you will follow the steps, especially in building an anxious life,

you'll follow the steps in this book. If you will walk it through and choose freedom and find places where you can challenge your thoughts, you'll probably have to see a counselor, man. You had a tough, tough, growing up with an alcoholic is tough. Make some of these choices on a daily basis, sometimes a weekly basis. Your whole system will slow down. Your whole system will stop being so stressed and anxious. And that will allow you to engage in another way that's not war. That's not fighting. It might be goofy. It might be silly. You're still going to be you. You're still going to roll your eyes. You're still going to be like, oh my gosh. But that edge will be off. And maybe you won't be so hateful and not so spiteful and you won't feel so much shame about danny

Here's the deal danny's been fighting fights for a long long time it's time to set down the sword set down the shield And look at this guy and say I love you do you me too? And let him love you for a change. And don't nag and don't whine and don't complain. Just let him love you for a change. We'll get there. We'll get there. I'm proud of you, Danny. This is the moment when everything changes. Hang on the line. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community

when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow

and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways

you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour. And you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation

on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline.

Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallowed.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Olivia. What's up, Olivia? Yes. Hello. Yes. Hello to you. What's up? Nothing. Thanks for taking my call. Are you nervous? I can hear it in you.

I am. Okay. Don't be nervous. It's all good, man. It's all good. All right. Well, I wrote in because I found out recently that someone I went to high school with got employed by the high school in like a counselor job, and it was just deeply bothered by it. I feel like there's a lot that people there don't know about them, and I want my kids to go there. And I just kind of want to, you know, talk to the people that I am close with at the school about it. But I'm like not really wanting to open that can of worms. So just wanted to know what I should do, how I should deal with it. So you're pretty coy with a they.

Is this a mean girl situation or is this a guy that hurt you? No, it's a girl. And yeah, like we played sports together. She's just not a good person. What does that mean? Just lying, cheating, just like knows how to fool the adults when we were in high school. How old are you? 26.

Let me just say, I... Thank God I'm not judged right now on who I was at 16 and 17 and 18. Like, I get that. I really do. And, like, I talked to my parents about this, too. And they were like, you know, people change. But, like, I have mutual friends with this person. And it's just not, like, I'm sorry, but it's just not like i'm sorry but it's just not and

hold on hold on what do you mean you're sorry it's just not there like i i'm sorry that i am still holding her accountable for these things but she hasn't changed and give me some examples of how she hasn't changed how she's still lying and cheating and swindling people as an adult. Yeah. So like she, um, let me just try to like gather what I want to say. So she like is very much into like the hookup culture. And this is a, this is like a religious high school. Okay. She's, um, like she gets drunk, She uses drugs. Not, I mean, she smokes weed occasionally. And like, just not her morals and the values of her life don't align to what this school is about. And that's why I feel like every close adult, which is basically my parents, I've told they were like, what? Like, I'm sorry. Who, who let that happen? You know? And so I'm just thinking, which I know this is not realistic,

but like in 15 years, if my kids go there, how am I going to deal with that? Let's let 15 years, the world's going to be very different in 15 years, I'm afraid. Not afraid, I'm excited about it. How do you know? How do you know she does drugs and drinks and hooks up? Because I know the people

she does it with. Let's do a couple of things. Number one, let's let high school go Just let it go And that's why I'm calling I'm like I don't care about this

Like I have But oh you do It's in It's in your Exactly It's in your soul I didn't think I did I didn't think I did

That's better And then this brought it all back up And I'm just like Enraged over it Okay You're The The enrage part

Like so let's take her out of the picture. If you heard that some local faith-based high school hired somebody that's hooking up and drinking beers, you'd probably roll your eyes or you would small town. Like, can you believe, can you, whatever the rage comes from what happened in high school.

And we could get into that. Like, you are killing yourself by not letting that go. You've probably heard the old phrase, you are drinking poison, hoping that she dies. Yeah. Your point, you know what she hasn't thought about in a long time? You. Or any of this stuff that happened.

But you do. And it causes your heart to go up. It causes your, all sorts of physiological issues here. Your heart rate to go up. It's killing you. Let it go. Yeah. Don't hold it back anymore, as the great Frozen says. That's why I'm like, I don't know how, though.

So, a couple of things. Number one, and we'll get to the actual issue as an adult. Number one, as a practice I started about a decade ago. I don't have to do it hardly at all anymore occasionally, but hardly at all um But I literally made a commitment to myself that I would stop having imaginary conversations in my head with other people who are not in the room Yeah, and I have that and you you're amazing at it

I can tell and You always win them too Don't you like you drop bombs when you're, you have these fantasies of when you talk to her and you're going to point your finger at her and you're like, can you do this? And she's going to be like, Oh my gosh, you're right. I did. And it's going to feel so awesome. Your body doesn't know the difference. And so you spin your body up for war all the time. And you're never going to have those conversations. You'll never have that confrontation. And if you do, it will not go anything like you think it's going to.

Yeah. And so I literally would walk through my house and I would yell out loud. Nope. I've heard of people with rubber bands and they pop them on their wrist. I've heard of people who will like snap their fingers, anything that will break you out of that cycle because it's instantaneous. Your body wants that hit. It's addicted to that cycle, that stress cycle. Get out of it. And what you have to do is you have to catch yourself.

And it will take a while. But stop with the imaginary conversations. And when high school stuff comes up, just stop. Number two, you probably need to go talk to a counselor because there's probably some stuff that happened in high school. Is that fair? Yeah. Some ugly stuff. Fair? Is there stuff you haven't told people about? I mean, no, it's not that dark. It's just, I don't know. It just felt so undeserving, you know? Let me ask you this.

What do you do for a living? I'm self-employed, and I'm super successful with my life. It's not about that. It's just... No, I'm just asking you. Like, what do you do? We own our own business. Okay. Y'all are doing great?

You love it? Yeah. Okay. Can you let her just love her thing, too? Yeah, and it's not so much about, like, not wanting happiness. I'm not that bitter. It's just that I just don't think she should be in the position, you know? Okay, that leads me to number two.

That leads me to number two. Leads me to number two. If you know of somebody who is openly violating the core tenets of a place where they work, then you have to make a grown-up decision as to whether I'm going to report that, I'm going to say something to them, I'm going to bring it up, or what. But I want to challenge you to make your decision and either say something or make your decision to not say anything and move on with your life. Because you're caught in this gray area and you're torturing yourself. Yeah, I agree. And that's kind of what I'm saying.

Like, it was just moving on fine because, like, morally, I just feel like. I don't think they asked you. Yeah, you're right. I mean, the school didn't, like, put out feelers and be like, like, whenever I got my job at Belmont, they had an open call, right? They put it in the paper. Here's the finalists. They had a open, like a forum

to where anybody could come in, right? It was open. Like you got something to say, say it now. It's like forever hold your peace, right? Yeah. That school didn't ask you for that. Yeah, you're right. And so you want to insert yourself into a situation

That doesn't concern you now Yes, and that's what I'm saying I don't feel like it's my place But I just want to Like not be so bothered by it I think you want to burn her to the ground I mean, it's really not I don't feel like it's that bad

I just I promise you It is It is I mean, it's really not, I don't feel like it's that bad. I just. I promise you. It is. It is. And I can't tell you, I would let it go. Yeah. And if there's something going on that's wrong, right?

Like, and I could see myself having a conversation with an executive somewhere. I would have no problem with that. If I felt like my values and morals were challenged on a particular situation, letting somebody know, hey, I need you to know this about this person. I've done that recently, actually. It was a super egregious situation, but I was pretty clear. Yeah. Right. And so if you feel like you need to do that, do it, just do it. But if you're not going to do that, walk away. Yeah. Walk away. And I want to, I want to catch myself here. I said, they didn't invite you into this conversation. Like you're inserting yourself in the problem. Sometimes good citizens do. They run into the middle of a situation because they see something that somebody else doesn't see. I don't want some, a house on fire

and sitting out in the front yard and be like, well, they never asked me to come help them. So I'm just going to watch it burn down. Don't do that. Right? Yeah. Yeah. So if you know somebody is doing something unethical or illegal or they're, they are pulling the wool over, especially as a teacher, right. And as an educator, as a mental health professional, as a counselor, for God's sake. Yeah. Maybe you do say something. Maybe you go to that person first and you say, Hey, This isn't cool. Um And you get involved that way. That's cool. That's fine But make your decision and then be done with it and I want you to practice over the next 30 60 days

I want you to practice When you start that imaginary conversation when she's in your head literally say out loud stop. No Not doing this i'm being present where I am What happened in high school happened in high school It was a long it was eight years ago Almost a decade ago Let it ride and if there are some hard things you need to talk about Some things that weren't fair some things that hurt you

Grief demands a witness. You need to say those things out loud in front of somebody who will hear you Okay, so call a local counselor, book a couple of sessions, but there's some sort of thing in you that you had to overcome a lot and you've got a successful business. And she lied and cheated and stole her way. She's still doing it. And now she's got this successful job, like helping young people. No, she doesn't get to do that. And I would just say, man, let the self-righteousness go. Let it go. Let high school be high school. Thank God I'm not judged on who I was in high school. Hopefully I've grown up a lot. Hopefully I've grown up a lot. And maybe, just maybe,

if somebody calls her out in an appropriate way, she'll go, you're right. I'm sorry. Or maybe she just needs to be removed from that position. Or maybe you can work real hard to set that brick down and just let her out of your life for good.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like

you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Florida and talk to the great and wonderful Amy. What's up, Amy? Hello, Dr. John. What's up? Thank you for taking my call.

Thanks for calling. Hi. What's happening? I feel kind of silly with this, but I want to thank you for taking my call. My question- Hold on. Have you listened to the show ever? I have. And I feel like my story is not as dramatic as most of the ones you deal with.

So I was surprised that Jenna called me actually. No, we have to be careful. The show doesn't turn into Jerry Springer. So it's good just to have some human, some human stuff. What's up? Yeah, this is human stuff. Um, my question is how do I cope with the anger and the grief that I feel by being blindsided by my own life? Tell me more.

That's what I, okay. Well, before I start, I just want to say there's no ifs, ands, or buts. I love my kids with all my heart. I know people are going to be listening and they're going to be like, oh my gosh, she's not thankful. This is one of my favorite ways people start. Now listen. Okay. He's great, but okay.

So I love the kids. No, there's no but with this. There is no but. Love your kids. No, no. I love my kids. I can't wait to hear what happens. Okay.

Okay. What comes next? So my husband and I have been married 21 years. Me too. Congratulations. I know how hard that is. Thank you. Personally.

That's a long time. Congrats. It is a long. I know how hard that is. Thank you. Personally, that's a long time. Congrats. It is a long time and it has been very hard, but we had two kids in our early 20s. That was all the kids we had planned to have. We thought, you know, we'll have our family, we'll have our kids and, you know, by our mid to late 40s, we'll be empty nesting. Are you pregnant? No, no. Okay. All right. I'm not.

All right. I thought you were pregnant. All right. So just as we were kind of leaving the little kid fog, you know, where you never see each other, you are just mad at each other all the time. The kids take up everything. We found out in our early 30s that we were pregnant again. So we had another kid kind of rolled with the punches there and we're like, okay, well,

that just kind of pushes things a little bit. And 2020 rolled around. And I remember posting on Facebook how excited I was because I was just feeling like I was finally starting to feel me again, feel like myself. I've been a stay-at-home mom this whole time, and you just kind of get lost in it. You feel invisible. You feel like you don't exist and that you just aren't even a real person anymore. And I know that that lasts while the kids are small, and as they get older, it kind of goes away. But anyway, 2020 came. I was about to turn 40.

I posted that on Facebook. And a month later, I found out I was pregnant again at 40. And from that moment, I lost it. I immediately fell into like a deep grief, like grieving what I thought my 40s were going to look like. Okay, I'm trying not to cry. No, cry away, dude. Listen, you're right. You are right. I feel angry a lot that I had to start over at 40. I feel angry that as my older kids are transitioning that I don't get to transition with them. I feel like I've been stuck at the starting

line for nearly 20 years and my friends are all starting to empty nests and going on trips with their husbands and finally starting to live again. And I haven't been out to my dinner with my husband in months. We don't see each other. We have no time together. We've been living in a little kid fog for 20 years. And I'm just grieving so hard that I'm 43 and it feels like I'm going to be invisible for another 20 years. And I won't get to live until I'm breathing so hard that I'm 43, and it feels like I'm going to be invisible for another 20 years. I won't get to live until I'm 60, and I'm just so spent. I'm emotionally spent. I'm physically touched out. I look in the mirror, and the person I see just keeps getting older, and I feel like my life has just been stuck in the same season for so long. And I love my children with all my heart,

but I don't love my life. And it fills me with guilt every morning and grief and anger. And I know it sounds selfish, but it feels like I don't exist. And I feel like I have so much potential that we'll never get to see the light of day. And I guess I'm calling in just to say,

do you have any advice how to cope with this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, one, thank you for saying all that out, out loud. Yeah, it helps. Have you ever said it all out loud like that? I don't think so. Maybe just in pieces. It felt like it all came.

Hey, I'm proud of you, okay? I vomited on you. That's what we do here. That's my job. That's my job. Um, I don't think for one second that you don't like your kids, not for a second.

Okay. So I want to take that completely off the table in anybody. You're, Hey, listen, do not read the YouTube comments. Cause there's, there's going to be morons that are posting like,

Oh my gosh, I know. Don't read them. Okay. I know. You promise. Yeah. I promise. I know people that don't have kids are going to be morons that are posting like, oh my gosh, don't read them. You promise? I promise. I know people that don't have kids are going to be upset.

People who think I don't appreciate them. I do. No, no, no, no, no. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. Okay. Number two, getting pregnant with number four at 40 something

absolutely is right to grieve what you thought was about to be a whole new chapter of your life. Yeah. 100%. You had a picture painted. Yeah. And it went away instantly. And you were faced with that, I call it like the guilt-shame teeter-totter of, I don't want this.

Oh, great mom. Great mom. And then it smashes the other side and you're like, oh, what a loser. And then it's like, oh, so yeah, you got to get off the teeter-totter number one. Okay. So you're right. You are right. And here's what I really want to challenge you on though. Can I push back on the whole model you've created? Yes, please. You have fallen prey to one of our culture's most insidious traps

and lies is what I would say. Okay. Okay. Here's what it is. That there is some magical finish line somewhere. It doesn't exist. Yeah. And what that means is right now is the life you are choosing there are billions of people in the world that don't have don't get choice right i get that right most of the people listening to the show do And when I say choice

It doesn't mean It's not like you're suddenly going to get a million dollars Or suddenly rent's going to get cheaper It's not When I say choice I mean You keep waiting until this season X is over So then you can start living your life And what your body is reacting to right now

Is you are choosing consciously To not live your life. There is a fog, no question about it. And then there's a whole, whole bunch of choices. There is chaos with three kids. Now a fourth and an infant, are you kidding me? And there's a ton of choices. So I'm gonna challenge you because I love you.

Is that cool? Yeah. You and your husband have chosen to not go on dates for months. You'll have chosen to have your sex life just go away. You'll have chosen to take different paths. And I have little kids. I get how insane it might sound. But my promise is this.

If all of your kids were checking out and you booked that first vacation and you showed up at that first vacation place, the worst part about that is you would have gone with you. The person who felt like put her life on hold for 20 something years. And I bet you didn't put it on hold as much as you think you did. Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet your kids love their mama, don't they? They do.

And are your kids good kids? The good human beings? They are. They treat people right? I think so. Does your husband bathe with some regularity? Well, that's questionable. Questionable.

Please don't fall into the trap that the only contribution a person can make is some sort of dollar amount in a 401k. Yeah. I know. I just. You've created. a person can make is some sort of dollar amount in a 401k. Yeah. No, I just... You've created and sustained. Yeah. I guess it's just... I feel like my brain is wasted. You know, like I...

On what? On not making reports in some law office? Oh, no. I don't think I would ever do that, but just... What did your brain get wasted on? Sitting down and playing Barbie dolls and just mind-numbing stuff that I've done day in and day out 20 years already already and I just

You've created a neuronal You've created Yeah, it's not even a word. You've created I'm trying to think of a non-nerd way to say it It's okay. You can be a nerd I like that kind of stuff You've created brain maps for your kids

You've created brain maps for your kids. Yeah. You've created their wiring. You've created their nervous system with them, co-created it with them. Yeah. You could build a residence hall at a college as an architect, or you can, I don't know, build a small company, or you can build a human. Yeah. And they're all at various stages, mind numbingly boring, insanely boring, insanely frustrating, insanely rewarding. Yeah.

But there's another story here. Underneath this role you found yourself in is a woman who, for whatever reason, does not like saying out loud what you need. And there's a woman who doesn't like saying out loud you know what I really want and fill in the blank.

That's the part that I think has gone to waste. Is your voice yeah where did she go? I think she's been gone for a long time I think you're right yeah because it's always been

everybody else in the house is more important. All of their needs are more important. And I would tell you that's a curse of modern parenting. Yeah. Because if mom's not well, you've got nothing to give. If your pitcher's not full, you've got nothing to pour into your kid's pitcher. And that's how I feel right now.

It is. You're spent. Especially thinking about, yeah, I'm spent. Yeah. But the solution to being spent is not a season of doing nothing. It's not a season of comparative analysis, watching your friends. Cause I promise you this, I promise you, you're going to have friends that go on a couple of their vacations and they're like, oh my gosh. And then they're going to have friends that go on a couple of their vacations, and they're like, oh my gosh, ha ha ha. And then they're going to come over to your house, and your daughter's going to crawl up into your lap right before she goes to bed. And one of them is going to have a tear go down their face, and the other guy is going to be tough, and he's going to go,

man, I wish that, I miss that. Okay? Everybody's wondering what it's like on the other side of the fence and the key to being well is being okay with what side of the fence you happen to be on and there is no going back you're there you have a fourth kid how old's your kid three yes i know three yeah i i have four and i can't change it i I know that. I think I'm just trying to figure out how to be okay with it. I don't want you to just be okay with it. Yeah, that's the thing.

I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive. Yes. I haven't thrived for a long time. So make the choice that mom goes first for a season. Will husband allow a wife with a voice? I hope so. Would he love... No, that's not a good answer.

Would he love a wife that says, here's what I need? I'm going to try. I don't know that he's ever known me as that. You know, he's always kind of been like the pants in the family. So I'm going to speak up. Most men, hold on. It's not just a matter of, I'm just going to speak up because here's what's going to happen. You're going to not speak up

and then you're going to explode on him and he's going to not know what hit him. Yeah. Most guys are so desperate to know why their wife doesn't like them. Oh, I love him. I know you do. I know you do.

But he can see his wife is miserable. Yeah. And if he's any husband worth of crap, he's wondering what it is about him that's making that happen. Yeah. And that's a very selfish way to go through the world. We all do it, right?

Men and women, everybody goes through the world going, what about me? What about me? But if you sat down and said, over the last 20 years, I lost myself in my role as a wife. I lost myself in a role as a mom. I lost myself in a role as a mom. And I put every single need in this home before mine. And I've just looked up and I got nothing

left in the tank. Yeah. I want to figure out what I even need. I want to figure out what I even want. And I'm going to need you to help around the house. I'm going to need you to help with dinner. I'm going to need you to help with marriage. I'm going to need you to help with like marriage retreats. Who do we want to become? Because we're choosing not to sleep together. We're choosing to sleep in separate rooms. We're choosing all these choices. We're choosing to not go on dates. All these things are choices. And usually these conversations get really hard. Okay. It won't be easy. And stuff from the past comes up New surprises will show up all that But this is a matter of you deciding My voice matters in this house

I'm not just hired help to let give my husband the life he wants and to raise four kids I've i'm a co-creator of this place. Right. And if you hear nothing else today, your voice matters. Not only does it matter, it's really, really important that your kids get a vision

of what a mom who takes care of herself looks like. Of a mom who says out loud, I need this. And dude, as a husband, i'm so grateful when my wife says hey i really need today off even when i'm so frustrated by it because i needed today off too we got back from a long vacation recently and my wife said hey uh i need um me and my her couple of her girlfriends they're going out they do this regularly they're going out. They do this regularly. We're going out all day.

We're just going to figure out where we're going to go when we go. I just wanted, I'd been on vacation for two weeks with my kids. I just needed my brain clear. But dude, I was so grateful that she said what she needed out loud. And she went. And they had a great time. And I had a blast with my kids. I just had to change the focus of the day.

And actually, thank goodness because we had such a blast, me and my little ones. I'd say that to tell you this. It's not just about speaking up. It's about taking your husband out and saying the way we've chosen to do marriage up until now doesn't work anymore. I want to hear from you. What kind of marriage do you want to have?

I'm going to speak up. Here's the kind of marriage I want to have. Here's the kind of life I want to have. Here's the kind of kids. And we're going to get babysitters because we're going out and we're going to go on vacation and we're going to drag the kid along. It's going to be fine. We're going to have a blast. Kid can do what we can do. They'll be they'll be great Or one of these older kids that we've raised for 20 years can come back and babysit. Whatever. We'll figure that out But we are going to live the life we're going to live And the kids are going to be a part of that not the other way around The modern american house that revolves around children is insane

The home should revolve around mom the revolt home should revolve around dad should revolve around parents Not the other way around I'm going to send you a copy of my new book building a non-anxious life I want you guys to go through that book together you and your husband i'll send it to you for free I want you to do the exercises. It's about building a life that is different now. Life where everybody speaks up. Everyone's heard. Everyone decides what we're going to do. Everyone works together. And most importantly, it's a house where we have peace. You're outside in that peace in a long time. That's because mom has taken mom,

like Amy has taken Amy and just shoved her down. It's time for the world to meet Amy for the first time. That starts at your, at your dinner table. Call anytime, Amy. We'll be with you every step of the way.

This will get harder before it gets easier, okay? This will get tough, but you're worth it. So are those little ones, man. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily

choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful non-anxious life get your copy today at johndeloney.com all right we're back um we were just talking offline the movie's hot rod is at it What does he say? He's like What? When? It's uh Say what in what way? So Words with WH are awesome

And Andy Samberg is the best of the best of the best Please bring back Brooklyn Nine-Nine Please But today's song of the day is by Wahidus How do you say it? Wadis? Wadis?

Wadis. Wadis. Wadis. Wadis. Dude, a group of guys got in a room and they're like, dude, we rock. What should we be called? We should be called Devil Dragons. Or, I got one, guys.

Wadis. And they're like, yeah, okay, we'll go with Wadis. Wadis, dude. The song is a shout out to our second caller. It's a teenage dirt bag and it goes like this. Her name is Noelle. Dude, Kelly, if the person in this was named Noelle, that'd be incredible.

Her name is Noelle. I have a dream about her. She rings my bell. I got a gym. I got gym class in half an hour. Oh, she rocks in Keds and tube socks. This is going differently than I thought. But she doesn't know who I am.

She doesn't care about me because I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me. I think there's a reason we didn't hear a lot from Huitas after her teenage dirtbag. It's cool, guys. I like it. I'm Maiden, too. Shout out Ryan Holiday. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.