The Dr. John Delony Show - Am I Setting Myself Up for Heartbreak by Dating This Man?

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

On this episode, we hear from: - A woman who never wanted children of her own who’s now struggling with her boyfriend’s kids - A man uncomfortable with his sister-in-law and her boyfriend sleeping in the same room when they visit for the holidays - Expecting parents unsure if they want to raise their kids in the Catholic church Lyrics of the Day: "All I Want For Christmas Is You" - Mariah Carey  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I've never been much of a kid person. It's just never been a plan for my life. But here I am really, really crazy about a person that has two kids. How do I go forward being a part of these kids' lives if he and I are going to stay together? You said you don't like him. I can't believe he would be with someone who doesn't like his kid. Yo, yo, yo, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Greatest mental health and marriage podcast ever created in the history of Earth and the medium, which is about a year and a half old. How old is our podcast? 10 years, 15 years? Well, we were doing it when I started here and that was over 10 years ago. So I think closer to probably 15. 15, 20.

Maybe I should take a class on the history of podcasts. That class is probably coming up soon. Hey, I'm so glad that you joined us. And on this show, we tell the truth. We walk alongside each other and we try to figure out what comes next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and don't forget

Um as you're planning for new years Go pick up a whoop strap man Go pick it up. Everybody in there has got one now. It's awesome. It helps you track your stuff. And don't forget, if you are going to start considering making some changes in your health, go to thorn.com slash you slash Deloney to pick up your supplements. Killer deal for everybody here. It's not for us to make money. It's to help you guys out. I really want you guys to consider being healthier in the upcoming year. All right, let's go to Ashley in Coeur d'Alene. What's up, Ashley?

Hi, Dr. John. Thank you. How are you? Other than losing my voice this morning, I'm good. Excellent. Sometimes people who are around me wish I would lose my voice. So it's good to talk to you. It's good to talk to you.

So what's up? Okay. lose my voice. So it's good to talk to you. It's good to talk to you. So what's up? Um, okay. So July of 2021, um, I met a guy. Um, he was pretty upfront with me in the beginning that he was still married. Um, and that he was going through the divorce process. And that was actually one of the things that bonded us in the beginning because I had just finalized a divorce in February earlier that year. So here's where I have to be really honest. I've never been much of a kid person. My ex-husband and I, we never wanted kids. And it's just never been a plan for my life. But here I am, really, really crazy about a person that has two kids.

He has an almost 12-year-old daughter and a four-and-a-half-year-old boy. Unfortunately, their mom has made things really super difficult through their divorce process. And because the divorce isn't final yet, she's drug their daughter into her mess of emotions. They're still married? Ashley. Yes. Oh, God. Okay.

So she's... Oh, geez. Okay. So she's... Oh, geez. Okay. So the mom is telling her things. You know, Ashley's the reason that your dad left us. Ashley stole you from us, or stole your dad from us. So as you can imagine, the 12-year-old wants nothing to do with me. Yes. the 12 year old wants nothing to do with me. Um, they've legally been separated for two years before I was in the picture. Um, so I just tried giving the daughter a ton of grace and patience and not being too, too pushy, uh, just being present when, when she's around. Um, and then the four year old, he's pretty pretty difficult he's just a difficult child and

in general um my boyfriend he's a pretty absent dad due to his job and he's he just doesn't really know how to parent he's absent because he's a coward this whole call is about a lack of respect. You don't respect this guy, and you shouldn't. And his ex-wife or his still wife should not be talking bad about you or him or any other adults to a 12-year-old. She's in the wrong there. Yes. But she shouldn't just welcome you with open arms because that's still her husband. Right.

And has been for a couple of years. Yes. So you don't respect this guy. Y'all bonded over both being in a mess at the same time and coming out of a mess. He's still squarely in it, but you were coming out of a mess and it feels really good when somebody looks at you and goes, yeah, me too. Yes.

And that can have a, it can feel a lot like love when you look across a room and your body recognizes that guy gets it. He understands. This is how almost every affair in the world starts with two people who work together at work and one of them goes man. My husband's really been tough and he goes

Ah, man, my wife's struggling too. And now we have a shared misery together and it it's like a pseudo connection. It's not real Right I don't I mean tell me I I interrupted what can I do to help? I mean, tell me, I interrupted. What can I do to help? I mean, this just sounds like a mess. It is. I guess my question is just how do I go forward being a part of these kids' lives if he and I are going to stay together?

I mean, you said you don't like him. I can't believe he would be with, I can't believe a lot of things about this dude. I can't believe he would be with someone who doesn't like his kids. It's not that I don't like his kids. I never pictured like being a stepmom, being like in in that role i know but you but you accept you accepted it right right either you get real serious about um like if you had no vehicle in the world to drive none and somebody handed you a stick shift truck you're like this is a car it's a truck it's free for you to use you would get very serious about learning how to

drive a standard because you would have to if you wanted to choose to go to work and you want to choose to pay rent and choose to eat right and so similarly you are going to go along with this fantasy for a little while longer and say that I love this guy. I want to be with him. Even though he hasn't proven trustworthy to his ex-wife, he's not a good dad. He's not a person of character integrity at this moment. But I love him. Good. Good for you. By doing that, you have also accepted the role as I'm inheriting two kids. One is about to be in relationship with, taking classes, getting some other women in your life that have joined blended families, going to counseling and therapy regularly. That's what you're signing up for by being with this guy. You cannot divorce him from his kids. Okay. It's evil. from his kids. Okay. It's evil. It's unethical. Yeah, no, I would not want to do that.

And, like, can we, man, can we just be, like, you don't respect him, do you? I don't respect how he is as a parent, no. Do you respect how he's handled his marriage? The one he's still in? That's a whole other story to get into.

But just yes or no? Ultimately, no. Yeah. I can hear it on you. Why have you trapped yourself in the it's this guy or bust? It's all these other things that I didn't have envisioned in my life. But I'm attached to this guy. I think I was with my ex-husband for 10 years. my entire 20s. I met him when I was 20.

We divorced when I was 30. Why did y'all divorce? He was an alcoholic, and I banged my head against the wall for lots of years trying to get him to stop drinking okay you're heading you're heading directly into that same storm with just a different drug really yeah i mean yeah you've got a you've got a guy who's, he hasn't decided who or where he wants to be. He hasn't done the hard work of determining what it's going to take to get there. And he's taken no steps. He's got no discipline in his life to go get there.

At any point in the last four years, you accelerate, you cash out. I'm not going to fight for the money anymore. I'm going to concede a weekend. I'm going to end this marriage or I'm just going to keep putting it along for four years, five years, six years. And by the way, it doesn't even matter. I'm already dating. I'm already seriously dating somebody else. I'm not going to be with my kids. I'm not going to do the things a single dad has to do to make sure my kids are stable and okay. I'm just going to my next drug of choice which is work and I'll just work and I'll work

and I'll be busy and my kids won't know their dad but I'll send a check home that's what he's done their whole life it's a drug he's an alcoholic he just does it at work

and in our culture alcoholics get DWIs and they go to rehab and we give people addicted to their jobs a million dollars and say, good job. Right. And they burn everybody in their world to the ground. Because everyone ends up asking from their spouse to their kids to their friends, huh, what's wrong with – what's so bad about me that I'm not more important than that email or that meeting?

Or couldn't you just make that a phone call? Why do you got to go to town for that? Yeah. And this is an addict talking to an addict. I'm a absolute workaholic. I have a problem with it.

So much so that my work now, before I take on a big project, they ask my wife. Because they want me to be in this long term and they care about me and my family. So you're trading, you are entering into the same thing again. And I don't want to beat the guy up, man. He's clearly got some demons he's wrestling with. I'd love to sit down and just say, bro, what are you doing, man?

Because his life is worth more than what he's cranking out of it too. But here's your path forward. Being very, very clear about two things. What do you want, Ashley? You get one shot, man. You get one shot. What do you want? And then the second thing is what are my boundaries what am i going to accept what am i not going to accept and all the research i've read and seen all

the people i've met with over the years i've never seen a relationship that's sustained that doesn't have mutual respect in it. Where people wake up and they're like, I don't even like what that guy does, but I respect it. It gets up and grinds it out every day. I can't stand this guy's boss. I don't like the way her employees treat her, but man, she gets after it every day. There's just a sense of respect. Right. And ultimately, we talk about pictures you had in your head.

You didn't think you were going to be here at 32 or 33 or 34, did you? No, no, not at all. Yeah. So at some point you have to make peace. Here's what has happened up until now. And there's a period at the end of those sentences. And right now you're trying to edit those sentences in real time and you can't, they've already been written. It's over. You got divorced when you were 30. I'm

going to own that. Crap happened between 20 and 30. Some of that was on me. Some of that was, I stuck around way too long. I loved too much. Some of that was the person I was married to was a mess. It is. It happened. And the only thing you can do now is ask yourself that one terrifying question. What am I going to do now? Am I just going to cash out and accept what comes next? Cool. I, for one, think your life is worth more than that, Ashley. And I'm not saying go break up with this dude. Maybe it just works out. He's still married is all I'm saying. He can tell you any story he wants to.

But just out of the gate, this thing is rough. I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I want you to read it cover to cover. Give it to him as well. And ask yourself the questions at the end of some of the chapters. Do the exercises. And I want you to get to the end and ask yourself, okay, what am I going to do now?

And if you stay involved with this, dude, you better plug directly into those kids, man. And you better be real clear with him about your boundaries and who you're going to be in a relationship moving forward. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to

focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Hey, before we go to the next call it is questions for human season

good people get online go to johndeloney.com and get these friendship marriage parenting and holiday relationship savers that's that's what they are questions for humans. We've got new packs out for couples We've got new packs for friends for parents and kids My daughter this morning. She's six and um, she was reading them on her bed I said, what are you doing? And she just looked up and as though she'd been caught doing something and she said Can I just ask these and answer them in my head and I was like you can do whatever you want to All the voices in her head. they're playing questions for humans. It's so good. So, hey, they're so good.

And I don't want to like be that guy that's bragging, but I can't tell you. All over the country, I'm traveling and people are coming out and being like, dude, I got these questions for humans. I thought they were so dumb. They're like 10 or 15 bucks. I bought them.

I was like, oh gosh. I learned more about my wife. And this is someone who's been married 40 years. Someone's married 20 years. Someone's been married two years. I learned more about my wife. And whenever we learn more about each other, she thought that was kind of hot. And so I'm telling you, I'm telling you questions for humans, man. All right. Here's two new decks for this year. If you've listened to the show for a while, you know, I am obsessed with new years.

I love it. I love the fact that we all get a mulligan no matter what's going on. Like, man, I really got into some hard stuff this year. It's cool, man. New year's. We all just are like, that's cool. Control alt delete. Let's do something else. And so I got one for new years. It's fun. It's for hanging out before new years's and it's also for planning for new years what are we going to do this upcoming year who are we going to be and christmas christmas cards these things are very limited because obviously it's christmas and they are flying out of here and that's not me just saying that we're selling a bajillion of them and i hope that they're still available but when this episode airs please get online and get these i'm going to ask a few questions to the gang in the bWTH. All right, you ready?

I'm just going to... Here we go. Let's see here. Of course, no, he's just returned. Let's see here. What Christmas tradition do you want to start? I think for me, I want to start, because my parents never let us do this

Open one present on Christmas Eve Because my parents never let me do that Mom, I'm talking to you So I would love to start doing Where we can open one present All good traditions begin From a rejection Of our previous

Cultural mores Good job, Benjamin I would like to adapt something That my wife's family does for birthdays of our previous cultural mores. Good job. Benjamin? I would like to adapt something that my wife's family does for birthdays, which is when they go around in a circle and say something they love about the person whose birthday it is. I would love to do that for Christmas.

Just like have one thing, go around in a circle and say one thing they love about the other person. Does that get all mushy and gross? Oh yeah. My family totally doesn't do that and so it's been weird.

You go from one and you're like, I'm so grateful for you and you go to the next house and you're like, eh, be quiet, pass the queso. Basically.

That's incredible. Kelly? I don't mean, my kids are teenagers so we kind of feel like we have ours kind of set. How very old person of you.

I know. But, you know, when you have little kids And you kind of start doing it The way I do it is right right now It's just how it is Let's make Christmas great again Kelly Well thanks for that I think that

One that I would like to start I would like to start The tradition of The kids helping me Cook Christmas dinner That would be a great tradition to start Wow Let's start pawning off responsibilities

On the others I like it I like getting them in Yeah Being more involved in Because a lot of times It's just the four of us For Christmas day

Because We don't travel You hate your family That's fine No we set a rule a long time ago We don't travel at Christmas Yeah If you want to see us We will be your family. That's fine. No, we set a rule a long time ago. We don't travel at Christmas. Yeah. If you want to see us,

we will be at our house. That's the way I was raised. And nobody comes? No, about every other year. About like last year, my in-laws were there. This year, they'll be with another one.

Gotcha. But that was the way that my dad did it. Santa comes to our house and that's where he comes. I love it. And so, but I would like for it

to be more of a, now the kids are a little older everybody chipping in and helping and kind of you know instead of them sitting there doing nothing and be working our you know for many hours to make dinner so here's here's mine and it's it's uh off of a christmas tradition that i had when i was a kid um i think i was 15 or 16 and there was this club, this punk rock club downtown. It was an old blues club. It turned into kind of a more punk rock club called Fitzgerald's in downtown Houston. And every Christmas, Christmas day, a band called 30 Foot Fall would play. The best, the best.

And I was 15 or 16. We heard they were playing and so we opened presents and did the whole thing and then me And one of my buddies went down there and watched the show fast forward 20 years they played every christmas day And I would drive home in college. I would drive home I'm, fairly certain. I was the only dean of students at a faith-based university in that audience as an old man, I was like because we were kids used to be like, there's always one old guy. And I remember being like, oh no, that's me. I brought my wife before we got married. I was like, hey, I got engaged on

January 6th. I took her to the Christmas show. I was like, you got to get through this. And it was a lot. And she smiled a whole time. Anyway, I want to have some sort of that with my son, with Hank. And then one day with Josephine. But it'd be fun to be like, hey, it's Christmas. It's a punk rock show day. And then him be like, oh, dad, I don't want to go. But I kind of would love that. It's not ever going to happen, but that would be cool.

All right. What Christmas movie gets way too much hype? And if you say Die Hard, you can't work on the show anymore. I am not a fan of It's a Wonderful Life. I know all the positivity and joy and lessons. Yeah, that's not my thing. Sort of like a version of Seven for Christmas or something that I could watch. I love Christmas movies.

Love them, love them, love them. But that one just is not. Just blech. Yeah. Benjamin? All right, I'm going to get hate mail for this i'm gonna say elf wow it's it's okay you're welcome to leave you're welcome to leave jenna christmas story i don't think i've ever actually seen it all the way through i've only seen bits and pieces

of it and it's just it looks boring it does we need a new team we need a new team clearly what is happening? I know. See, I love A Christmas Story. What's your favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story. Jenna? Probably White Christmas. Oh, I love White Christmas.

I love that one. It's so good. I thought I know what you're talking about. Oh, that's beautiful. Elf is mine, but White Christmas is fantastic. Elf is the second, probably. Nightmare Before Christmas is mine. That's not a Christmas movie, though.

That's a Halloween. It has Christmas in it. Yeah, but it's strike two more halloween themed like they torture santa well that sounds like santa should have represented a little bit more that's all i'm saying hey questions for humans there is no questions about politics no questions about covid no questions about anything other than fun stuff to get to know the people that you love and you care about or people you're trying to get to know so that you can love them you know all right so go to johndeloney.com

and pick up questions for humans get them all get them all they're a blast all right let's go to tim in huntsville alabama what's up tim hey dr john how's it Good, man. Hey, Alabama's hit on hard times, man. Yeah, I haven't had a chance to really watch much football recently, but yeah, it's been kind of a disaster. I think that's probably better for you. Yeah, exactly. All right, so what's up, man? Well, my question is kind of pertaining to me and my wife and our relationship and boundaries between uh her sister and her boyfriend um your wait wait wait your wife's boy your wife doesn't have a boyfriend no her her sister has a boyfriend the way you said you said between my sister my between me and my wife and her sister and her boyfriend. I was like, whoa.

Okay. So it's not full Alabama. All right. All right. All right. All right. Okay. So your wife has a sister and your wife's sister has a boyfriend.

Okay. Correct. Yes. All right. So bring it. Okay. So I love my wife. I feel like I'm married to my best friend. Absolutely adore her. My mother-in-law and father-in-law are awesome human beings. They're so supportive and generous.

Can't wait till it comes to butt. was an alcoholic early on in her life. And that really caused some problems with her relationship with my sister. Okay. And with her parents, obviously. And there's been a string of very bad decisions that led to those strained relationships. Be specific, man. Is she stealing stuff. Is she like, she apparently got violent with my sister a couple of times. Um, basically completely disrespected any rules that the parents had in the house. Um,

just hung out with the wrong people. But,, now, she's been sober for several years. Awesome. And she's got a job. She's doing really well herself. Okay. But her boyfriend is a bit, I call it, like, immature. He struggles keeping a job and kind of, in my opinion, kind of like mooches off of her and is more like a child to her, I guess, than an actual partner. And they live together. But the whole dynamic here is

where the problem kind of arose with us is we live in a central location between the two. So mother and father-in-law live about two hours north of us. Sister-in-law and brother or sister-in-law and boyfriend live about four hours south of us. So we're central. You got to move, Tim. You got to move. This is going to fall on you forever. You don't want him coming to stay with you, huh? um live together in a cohabitation unless we're actually married okay and we don't agree with what uh her sister and boyfriend are doing but hold on has she invited you in for your opinion

no she hasn't okay i would spend zero seconds for the rest of my life considering that oh yeah i i definitely i definitely agree. What they do in their own house, that's completely 100% up to them. The problem that and I may be making too big of a deal out of this, but they want to have

Christmas at our house because... Oh, you don't want them sharing a room? Yeah, that's kind of the thing and on on my argument is if they want to stay under our roof then they would have to stay in separate rooms my wife is kind of split because she sees that aspect of it but we also want to preserve the relationship there we don't want to push them away um after these past few years where there's been some healing in the relationship there so let's let me let's back out of this situation okay um number one i appreciate you laying it all out there. Okay? That's awesome. I love hamburgers

and I love barbecue and I eat a ton of wild game. It's just how our family does things. Okay? We also have chickens and we eat eggs every day. Yeah. I also have a couple of friends who I love and care about, and they are diehard vegans to the death. I guess not to the death, to the death of the spinach, right?

No other deaths. I don't show up with burgers at their house because it's disrespectful. It's rude. And if I'm going to go stay there and they're gonna have dinner i don't say hey man can i bring it because i because i don't because i want to be better than that my friendship to them is more important than that okay so i tell you that to tell you this it's your home and it's your boundaries and it's your values. They,

as people visiting your home, get to make their choice. Whatever that happens to be. Hey, we just don't believe in air conditioning and that's just how we roll. We just don't believe in it. You are welcome to, here's my buddy.

Todd came and stayed at my house. todd would prefer that most of his life he lived on antarctica and in on antarctica in antarctica um he prefers the temperature when he's sleeping to be about negative six and in our house sounds like my kind of guy exactly i had about 65 he when he stayed at my house it great. And he took a mattress out of the guest room and drug it into another room where it was cooler. And you know what? I didn't care. And he didn't care.

He chose to stay at my house and he knows that we don't have it sub-Arctic. We just have it cold, right? All I have to say is this. They're visiting your house. They get to decide, are we going to come in with this set of rules? If you start compromising your values, whatever they may be, in this pseudo-protective, trying to preserve a relationship, where the whole thing ends up is in resentment ash. Okay?

So, how old are you I'm 28 my here's the one thing I'm struggling with is I feel maybe I'm out to lunch and maybe it's just the way you and I just we just communicate differently

but it feels like there's a superiority and I would let just communicate differently. But it feels like there's a superiority. And I would let the air out of that. You might not have been an alcoholic, but I promise you've had your struggles. And you might not be a mooch, but I promise that there are ways you could be a better and more connected husband. So I would get rid of the, my values are better than their values okay i would say stick with your values whatever they may be who cares they're yours it's your house and let other adults make their choices whether they want to opt into those they can also get get a hotel. They can also go camping.

They can also laugh and make fun of you and be like, that's so dumb, but okay. And all is well. You see what I'm saying? If they choose to not come, then they have chosen not

to come. That should not impact your value judgments. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. So I'm not going to, dude, if you said we don't walk on the carpet in my house, well, I don't take my shoes off. Well, now we've got a problem.

You get to choose whether you come in my house or not. I don't believe that people who aren't married should sleep in the same bed. Cool. Well, I'm, my girlfriend and I are coming over to your house. Well, you've got a choice to make. See what I'm saying? Like, I just want to take all the air out of the drama. Like, I'm just not going to apologize for my values and my house.

Yeah, and that's kind of what I told my wife is if it was a value we would apply to our future children say i feel like it would apply to ourselves anyone who comes to visit us like we should be consistent not change the rules for whoever enters you know if that's how y'all want to roll with it man don't give it a second thought. Okay? And let the other adults in your life make their choices. They get to do that. And expect people to, when they run up against your boundaries, and I've said this a million times, when they run up against your boundaries, they're going to bang their head on them.

They're going to kick and scream. They're going to yell and punch and kick and see if those boundaries hold. And, man, I'm just not going to lose sleep over it. This is just who we are in our house. I've recently done some interviews with people that people don't like. I actually got both sides of the aisle. And one of my core values is I'm always going to have a conversation with somebody. Just as people, I believe they have that dignity and that right to have a conversation. I'm not above anybody. And so people are going to get to make their choices. I'm not going to listen to Deloney anymore because he had a conversation with so-and-so. He was on somebody else's show. He did this. Knock your lights out. That's great. But as for me and my house, we're people who are hospitable

and we have conversations with everybody because I got a lot to learn. I'm still figuring this thing out. So Tim, don't apologize for your boundaries. Be very clear, be very direct, and be very respectful. You're not better than you are with, right? Not lording over, but with. And hold firm to who you and your wife want your home to represent, who you're going to be, and be prepared to live with the consequences of your values. All values have consequences. You're in the right place, my brother. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go out to San Francisco and talk to Daniel. What's up, Daniel?

Hey, Dr. John. How's it going? Good, man. What up? Good. I'm doing great. Good. Well, thanks for taking my call. I'll just jump right into it. And I think there might be a little bit of crossover from the last caller, but interesting to get your take on me and my wife's situation as well. Cool. So we are expecting our first baby early next year.

Congrats, man. Are you excited? Oh, yeah. I'm pumped. I'm actually sitting in the nursery right now. Boy or girl? Boy. Dude.

Congratulations, man. Yeah. So with that, obviously comes lots of new experiences, new challenges, new choices. And we'd love to get your thoughts on a conversation that we haven't had yet, but that we know is coming. We want to make sure we handle it well. It has to do with both of our parents and the choice to baptize or not in the church that we grew up in and that our parents are still very active in. So it's a little bit of a hot button issue, but want to get your take on maybe what are some of the best ways to go about that? I would say it is a hot button issue and it's not really. Yeah. On the surface. Yeah. Very similar to last call. On the surface,

y'all have been, you and your wife have been together you'll both had your independent experiences and for whatever reasons you've landed where you've landed okay we want to go to a different church we don't want to go to church at all we're not really want to be making decisions for our kid this early or we are going to do this at this age but we're going to go to a different building whatever whatever the reasons are you've landed there i think this is a an incredible time for you and your wife to spend some time both dreaming and being very specific about your boundaries on a host of issues because everybody's gonna have an opinion when you have a baby. Your parents, her parents have already imagined what their role is going to be.

They've already imagined that they're going to be in the delivery room, and your wife's like, yeah, they're for sure not. They've already imagined that, like, I'm going to come over and cook dinner, and you're like, no, you're not. You're good. So what are those boundaries going to be? Are you going to leave your baby? Are you going to be? You're going to leave your baby. You're going to like, what, like that sounded bad. Are you going to like, are you going to let a family come over and keep your child while y'all go to a movie or something? Right. Let's have some of these conversations. And one of the big ones is going to be, how are we going to deal with our

faith heritage? And how's that going to interact with our faith moving forward? If you, have y'all decided we're not going to baptize our kid or we are, but we're not going to do it in this particular building? Like, what does that look like for y'all? Yeah, I think we've kind of come to the decision that we're not going to do the same faith practice that we grew up with and that of in the middle of exploring, you know, which, you know, denomination community, what have you is actually most aligned to sort of our overall, you know, the way we see the world and what we see is, is, you know, going to be the best for our family and our community. So we're still working through that a little bit. And I think mostly where the question comes from and, you know, listen to a lot of your stuff, I sort of anticipated that might be what you say, but there's been sort of more and more as we get closer and closer to the birth, more sort of subtle hints and, you know, little comments here and there, you know, inviting us to, you know, talk at their church more than they would have ever before kind of things that sort of, you know, tip the cap that like, okay, it's coming.

They haven't flat out asked us yet or brought anything to the head, but you know, it's, it's coming. And I would say absent clarity, like without clarity and without very clear boundaries, it feels like an external invasion. They don't have any guidelines and so what the only guideline they have is this is happening we raised y'all this way y'all were married this way you got a kid coming and we're just not here like are we missing the date or right they're making the story about them because they have no other information to go on and so i this i hope this isn't a controversial statement good grief um i really really deeply

honor the faith traditions of my friends and family who've gone before me and you have to understand that there may be some or all depending on what faith and what practice we're talking about here who will see your lack your decision to not baptize your kid in this particular denomination as a move into eternity right like the soul of their grandchild might be at stake here and so i think it's fair to give people with that type of weight permission to grieve and be sad because it's not just a perfunctory like it's not just like hey we get haircuts it's not that it It's like, man, you got to do this or your eternal soul is in danger. See what I'm saying? Like there is a weight to that. And so I think having your beliefs and practices, awesome. Be very clear and very respectful. Be very direct and understand that the blowback is bigger than somebody not getting their way. Does that make sense?

It does. And I think one thing that we're also just trying to be, you know, conscious and aware of is, you know, especially on one side, the familial connection to that, you know, belief heritage is really strong. So it's probably not only going to impact our relationship with our parents in some way, but will also probably impact the way that they are seen amongst the rest of their family or the rest of the way the rest of their family sees us. That's right. And what you have to do is you have to let adults be adults. And you have to make your value judgments.

And you have to control the only two things on earth you can control, your thoughts and your actions. And here's how we're going to act. Here's what we're going to do. And then as adults, they get the right to respond however they need to.

And that might be them deciding, well, then we're not in relationship with you anymore. And that will be heartbreaking and that will be ugly and that will be messy. But that's their choice that they are making to leave you. And they're going to tell all their friends

that our kids opted out of relationship with us because this was the standard we set. And so, like I said in the last call, all values have consequences. All of them do. Yeah. Right? Do you have any advice for maybe how to have that? Would you recommend having that conversation earlier when we're still sort of in the murky kind of unsure phase or maybe trying to hold off until we've got a little bit more clarity on exactly where we're going, what we're doing. I think an invitation to ambiguity will create a mess.

Meaning, if you call and ask their opinion, they're going to give it to you and then they're going to be really disheartened when you don't listen to it. Right? Yeah. It'd be much better to go forward and say, here's what I think, here's where we are,

here's the choices that we're making. Okay. But if we've sort of made a decision where we don't know exactly where we're going, but we know we're not going here, is that useful to have earlier to let them process? Yeah, I don't see any... Any other way around that is dishonest because you're letting them believe that they're just waiting at the door for you guys. And you all know now you're not going there. Yeah. And people listening will say, they don't even have it right who cares it no we all care because we love them and we want to be people of respect and kindness i think you might be surprised yeah when they when you say hey we are interested in trying out

different faith communities we're going to go to a couple others. We're going to hold off on the baptism and that whole process for a season while we try to find a new home church that's going to be for our entire family. And we love and respect how you guys raised us. And we love that you'll have a place that you go home, both in the present and in eternity, if that's what they believe. Great. But as for our house, we are going to run the look look out and we haven't abandoned our faith or maybe you have like we're moving on from that right now whatever the thing is to be very very clear and don't for a second hint that you're inviting them into their input right yeah and if their parents are going to give you their input

let them i don't i don't care you their input, let them. I don't care. You know what I mean? I don't care. And they might tell you, yeah, we did the same thing when we were younger. Or we wish we had asked more questions when we were kids. Or we think y'all are crazy. You're putting the soul of our grandchild at stake. We're going to have to take some time apart.

You don't know what's going to happen. What I do know is this if y'all go through with some things that you Fundamentally disagree with that you're opposed to And you do it to try to appease other people It's going to make the next thanksgiving really hard to be involved with together it's's going to make the next Christmas very awkward. It's going to make the show up, pop up visit have some extra weight to it. And now we're on the pathway to resentment.

And it's not going to be their fault. It's going to be y'all didn't set up the boundaries that you knew to be right for y'all at the beginning. Okay? Okay. So, there is no way to do this where it's not hard.

There is no way to do this where they don't take it as a sign that you are not only rejecting their faith, but you're rejecting them. Okay? That's just going to be part of this conversation. And, if it's what you and your wife have agreed is best for your family and for your new baby,

then hold your head up high and state your values clearly and your intentions clearly and be respectful as people grieve and they need some space. Okay. Does that make sense? I think that makes sense. It's just not an easy way around it, but the only way on the other side of this thing is to go right through it. Yeah. And I'm hoping once that happens, you know, they've always been respectful of our other choices that, you know, first grandchild, you know, it's, it's one of those big, big, big life moments. So it's, it's always heightened

around it. So I appreciate your take. No, you got it, man. And I appreciate you guys thinking through these things. And by the way, the faith issue isn't going to be the only one. Bedtimes, feeding routines, sleep routines, how much, how involved you are versus how much you're at work, how involved she is. Is she going to go back to work? All of those things you're going to get input on. Oh my gosh, you're going to get input. You're going to get the stupidest advice ever. You're going to get some great wisdom from people. Start deciding now, A, what are our values on this side of the birth? And they all change whenever the baby actually shows up. Nobody's going to keep my kid. I'm never letting anyone come. I don't need a babysitter. And then

like three weeks in, you're like, oh gosh, I will hand this kid off to the mailman if I can just sleep for a few hours. So you'll have all these ideas. More importantly is come up with a plan for how you and your wife are going to stay connected and actually dig into these issues when they come up. Because it's going to show up around prom. It's going to show up around what school they're going to go to. It's going to show up around, are we going to let our kids have social media or not? All these things are just part of parenthood. Come up with a structure, a plan for not the final answers, but how are we going to engage

in these hard conversations? We're going to go on a date. We're going to go on a retreat. We're going to go get breakfast together. We're going to do a thing together. How are we going to continually come back to one another and say, all right, we've got a new one. How are we going to figure this thing out? And that is carving a path that your kids will walk, your grandkids will walk. You're going to be people who don't run from anxiety, who don't run from hard problems, but you join hands and you turn and face them. You walk directly through the middle of them. And that, my brothers, where healing comes from for you, for your family, for our entire country. It's banding together and saying, here comes the storm.

Let's walk directly into it together. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show. Man, right above the sun that is tattooed on Kelly's lower back, she has a picture, like a full picture of this next artist. It's an amazing tattoo.

Super awkward. But she is the world's biggest Mariah Carey fan. It's a strange tattoo, but it is what it is. And it's her favorite song, actually. Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You. And it goes like this. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There's just one thing I need.

I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you I'm using this but that's not really true I want a couple of guitars and a new car I want several things I guess and you too hey we'll see you soon America thank you