The Dr. John Delony Show - Am I the Product of an Affair?

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

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I found out a family secret through Ancestry.com and 23 and me. Oh, no. Yeah. What'd you find out? That my dad is not my biological father. I have an identical twin brother. Good God. Because why not, right?

What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Take in your calls about your life, your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes. I'm so grateful you're here. I'm so grateful you're watching the show.

If you're watching, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button or the like button or the hearts or the thumbs up or whatever. However, the algorithms need you to tell them you listen to this show or watch the show. I'm super grateful. Let's go out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to J-I-M. What's up, Jim? Hey, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm good.

brother, what are you up to? Live in the dream, right? Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they are not living the dream. What's up? So, yeah, I'm calling in because I found out a family secret through Ancestry.com and 23 and me. Oh, no. Yeah. What'd you find out?

I found out about three years ago that my dad is not my biological father. and there are some complicating circumstances that I've kind of made me just freeze over the last three years, and I'm calling him to figure out what's the next right step. Awesome. So you've been sitting on this for three years? Yeah. Wow. Alone?

Well, I have one of the circumstantial factors, I have an identical twin brother. and... Good God. Because why not, right? He just double the fun. So, yeah, he moved about 700 miles away after college. So I told him, of course. What did he say?

He was surprised, but like me, sort of not surprised. And he really wanted to tell our parents. parents at first, but I have not wanted to. Why not? Well, it turns out that my, so our biological father passed away a few years before I found all this out. His brother, my biological father's brother, so my uncle and his family, have lived across the street from my parents' house for 20-something years.

Wow. And when I messaged some of the matches on Ancestry.com, one of them was my half-brother, and he reached out to my uncle who lives across the street from my parents. It's like a bad country song. And I've just felt unsure of what way to go because every scenario I've thought of involved in life. pain for someone or a lot of people. But you're in pain right now too. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes for a second. And you, chances are, and the chances are great, you're a better person than me. But I would be multiple layers of enrials of enrable. that I didn't get to meet this man, that I lived under a family secret. I can just go down the list, but I would be so angry and upset. The fact that you've had, it's probably like a traumatic response, right? But the fact that you have had the ability, the emotional maturity to just slow down before responding and reacting is, I commend you, brother, because I would have set everything I know

on fire. So good for you. Thank you. Thank you. So I guess like to kind of cut to the chase, I'm sitting here with you. Like, what are you going to do next? I've been on the fence about talking to my parents and the con list has outweighed the pro list, at least in my mind, but I'm still conflicted about it. Okay. Tell me about that. I love my parents, and I'm very grateful for them, but they have never had a good relationship. The story is they got married because mom found out she was pregnant with me and my twin brother, and they got married when she was about three months pregnant and kind of rushed into it.

And dad worked out of state nine to ten months out of year with his job. So he was gone most of the time, and when he was home, there was a lot of fighting verbally and emotional abuse, and they both have history of alcohol problems, and they've kind of turned to us. My twin and I have two younger siblings who are realizing our half-siblings, but they've turned to us as kind of like proxies and therapists or trying to pull us on their side. for our whole lives. And even now, if I'm with one of them, they'll badmouth the other.

And I don't want to tell them because I know it'll blow everything up. But I wonder if telling them will help set them free. Yeah. I want you to take yourself out of the role that your two caregivers have dragged you into. The first person I want you to set free here is you. this is not your mess this is not by one ounce of you your fault your problem they've blamed you for their relational dysfunction for your whole life saying they're only together because of you and your brother like none of this listen to me none of this is your fault none of the past 20 or 30 years

is your fault none of their marriage dysfunction is your fault none of their alcoholism is your fault none of this. And the fact that you're still continuing to have to be their accountability partner and their therapist and their whining and complaining ear, like, none of this is your job. Okay? The question I want you to ask yourself is not how do you help perpetuate and maintain this lifelong lie that they've been forcing you into? but how do you become the man of character and integrity you want to be in the world?

Okay? Yeah. I cannot imagine rolling into Thanksgiving the last three years. I mean, I would just sit there and just look at both of them and be like, what, you know what I mean? It's, it's like the emperor at your family dinner has no clothes on. Right. Right. And I can't imagine not sitting there and thinking,

what else have y'all lied to me about? Everything I got in trouble for as a kid, like, talk about exposed, right? Yeah, yeah. And so I, you do whatever you want to do, but I want you to act from a place of, here is the kind of man I am.

And I'm going to put this on you, okay? Okay. I believe our culture needs more men to be people of integrity and people of wholeness and people of responsibility. And so if that means I'm not going to blow up this little facade, this little theater performance they've been having for 20 or 30 years, but I'm also not going to participate in it anymore. Then so be it. What I don't want you to do is to become a man who shows up and cuts off half of his soul just, just to be a part of this theater performance anymore. That's what it feels like.

Yeah, it's killing you. Yeah. Right. And so I can only tell you what I would do in this situation, and this is not a right or wrong thing. This is just a me, okay? Right. I probably would have done it the day after,

which would not have been good, because I would have been hot to shot. But I would probably take my mom, out first and slide this test across the table and let her read it yeah um because there's a chance however big or small this might be that you're the guy who you thought was your bio dad has no idea right and i want to tell you after hearing more and more and more of these stories over the years he may have played along too right he may have known about the all of it and just decided this was going to be his life right but i would

take it to mom first and slide it across the table and give her a chance to respond and then i think i would tell her i mean i'm just again i'm putting myself in your seat i would tell her i'm not playing in this game anymore right because of her deception and possibly your your your your guardians, I mean, he's your dad. I'll call him your dad, but he's not your father, but he's your dad. Because of that, you never got to meet your father. Yeah. Because of that, you have a whole family that other side of the family you've missed out on. And I would caution you against, you've probably had, I don't know, I'm making up a number here, you probably had 10,000 imaginary conversations about how you would handle this thing when it finally

went down. For sure. Part of being a man of integrity and responsibility, is not seeking revenge at this at this meeting yeah right this is you simply saying from this point forward here's who i'm going to be and here's what i'm going to do next yeah if you want to come clean and say i'm sorry and say i stole your father from you and you've lived a lie and and you want to choose forgiveness and you want to choose to rebuild your relationship with your mom and your dad man awesome if they have the emotional capacity to do that. Yeah. And if not, I don't believe in cutting people off.

I don't believe in ghosting people. I think that's immature and evil, quite honestly. Yeah. But if you want to say, now that I know this for the time being, I'm choosing to not be in relationship with y'all, then I want you to take ownership of that too. But I think it's fair to look them in the eye. Don't be what they have been,

which is deceptive. about important relationships. I'll be honestly. I'll look you and I tell you. Yeah. Right? And then, and then, this is going to sound weird and awful

and all that stuff? You and your brother individually get to decide how much you choose to engage with your bio family. You don't have an obligation to go artificially create a relationship.

Now, you don't have to do that. I don't want you to feel some weird obligation, right? Yeah. And you may want to get a family history, right? Think of all the doctors' things you filled out over the years. You don't know, right? Yeah.

All the insurance forms you filled out. You don't know. Exactly right. I hate this for you. And just, I always feel the need to say this. You felt, how old are you now? 36. Okay, you felt crazy for 33 years.

I did. And I want to tell you now, you're not crazy. Okay. Can I get that in writing? Get that tattooed on your on your forearm. I'm not crazy. You should feel completely destabilized. Yeah. And you should feel like, who can I trust? If not my mom, right? Yeah.

And it should rattle through your adult romantic relationships. Yeah. and I would challenge you, brother, to practice trusting other adults because you can't live your life not trusting anybody because your body will eat itself from inside out. And it has been. That's the definition of loneliness, right?

Right, right. But yeah, this is the worst, man. Yeah. And I've got a Roman numeral at the end of my name. So that's added another layer of being named after. three or four generations of men that I am not related to. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Like to find out you're not a part of the family tree you're thought you're a part of. And here's the thing, if your father, the man who's been your dad, if your dad. Yeah. If at an early age he had said, I adopt you, you're mine. Yeah. Right? then you very much, I believe adopted kids are a part of that family tree. The fact that he would look at you and give you the Roman numeral that is, like, all, right,

like there's some amazing, you've been grafted into that tree. Right. But right now it feels like you're a duct tape to that tree. And that's a different thing. But like in a weird way, not more of a sense of honor, but if you were 36 and you and your brother had been adopted by the man who's been your dad. And he was open about like, yeah, mom and I were dating. And then she had a one-night stand with the neighbor's brother when he was in town.

And so be it. And I looked at YouTube. I looked at her when she was pregnant. And then I found out she's having twins. And I looked at you two boys and said, y'all are mine. Yeah. And then I gave you the family name. There's something amazing about that.

Right? Like, you didn't get the family name just because, I had to give it to you because you were my kid. Like, I chose you. To me, that's amazing. But you weren't given that. You were given a 36 year, a 33 year lie. Yeah.

But never forget what I'm about to tell you. You decide what happens next. When everything, when things feel crazy, when you feel out of control, when you feel like you're frozen, I want you to close your eyes and picture yourself in the driver's seat of a car. you're driving. Okay. Because you're going to feel like I have to do, you're going to feel like

you're in the trunk of a car getting driven to, well, I have to do this. I got to do that. I got to pretend. You are driving. Right. If you want to invite your twin brother

into the passenger side of your car, great. And if he wants to invite you into the passenger seat of his car, awesome. Having him with you

would be awesome, but I don't want to force you two guys, because y'all might have different responses to this. He might look at you be like bro i moved a thousand miles away to get away from this madness um i don't want any part of this in any and be compassionate with him he gets to choose that it would be helpful for both of you

if you all could like bind together here um but i don't want to force that on you either you are living in your skin you or have the feelings inside your chest you are driving you get to decide what happens next be the person be the man you want to be and seek compassion and dignity and respect for those who may not even deserve it. I'm grateful for the call, man. For everybody listening,

if you have this kind of secret, I want to tell you right now. With 23 of me, it started making its way out. With AI and stuff, a hundred percent chance it will come out. Period. You might want to beat it to the punch. If you need to have hard conversations

with your kids, with your grandkids, with your spouse. Now's the time. This weekend is the time. Because your secrets are about to be exposed. Thanks so, I call, my brother. We come back, a woman asks how much she should update her parents

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All right, we're back. Let's go out to Boise, Idaho, and talk to not Michael, just Jordan. What's up, Jordan? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up?

Yeah. So I suppose my big question today is, is I'm trying to figure out how I can still have a relationship or try to include my family or especially my parents in my life after kind of all the drama has occurred after they've done a lot of things to both me and my husband and I'm kind of at a loss at how to move forward at all. So I want to start this call by backing up a little bit. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. All right. So you've called with a question.

And I want you to see how you've boxed yourself in already, okay? Okay. I want you to see yourself in a tiny little cage, but the lock is on the inside. And here's the cage you've given yourself. My parents have been pretty awful to me and my husband. And I want to have a relationship with them. Okay? Yeah.

And so I want to back out of that because you've given yourself an either or. Let's back all the way out and just lay it all on the table, okay? Tell me what's happened with your parents and you and your husband. Okay. Yeah. So about a year ago, my husband and I got married. Before that point, we had been dating for around three years, had known each other longer than that.

And when wedding stuff started to come up, there started to be just a whole lot of conflict as far as planning, how soon we get married, and a lot of people have a lot of opinions. and basically my parents, especially my mother, didn't want my husband to be involved in any part of the wedding planning. Basically, we're like, he can't be involved. Why? We don't want him involved. I still don't really know. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what I was saying.

They're like, oh, it's too many opinions. And I'm like, well, his opinion matters. And I think they didn't want him to know finance stuff because his family is a little. more well off, but I couldn't really get an answer when trying to figure that out. And things kind of escalated where, you know, there was a lot of name calling, a lot of yelling at me. And eventually my husband was like, okay, no, you can't talk to her this way. You can't call her these names. You can't treat her this way. And so then things turned around and they started really hating him and were like, you can't marry him. He's manipulating. Manipulating.

you. You know, he's not this good person you think he is. And we're trying to basically break up, break us up. And after so long of that of just the late nights yelling and screaming at me, calling me names. What were they calling you? They were calling me like a selfish brat, that I was being a selfish brat for, you know, trying to make these decisions without them, trying to, telling me that I was a, I'm 21 now, but I was 20 at the time.

Okay. Yeah. And I interrupted you. I'm so sorry that you were a selfish brat. And what else? And that I didn't love my family if I was going to, um, get married without them planning it or eventually I was like,

okay, we're going to plan it ourselves and we're going to set the date that we choose and you can choose to come or not. Yes. And they, They said, yeah, and they said, no, then we're not coming. If we're not planning it, then we're not coming. We won't be there.

And I said, okay, that's your choice. Good for, dude. Thank you for being the only adult in that room. It took a long time to be able to get to that point. I know, I know. I suppose brave enough. Okay, let me back out a second. Let's take your husband and move them to the side, okay?

Yeah. Have they been controlling your life every step, your whole life? In a lot of ways, yes. Like, I don't know. I always had a hard relationship with my mom. We would have disagreements, and basically she couldn't be wrong, and I always had to be the one to come and apologize for things. Disagreements over.

Closure wearing. I don't want to be in band anymore. No, you're going to be in band. I want you to do that. Tell me what the disagreements are. because every kid on the planet earth has disagreements with their parents that's part of that relationship right right um yeah but not every kid um has such an emotionally immature parent that uh they are walking around responsible for the emotional well-being of the adults in the house right

yeah that's no kid's job yeah i suppose that i feel like the disagreements would always very like it always, I never knew like if today, if there was going to be a fight or not about something, something that, I don't know, look back and it's like, that was a really stupid thing to argue about, you know, like, like I didn't clean the bathroom correctly or I forgot to clean my parents' bathroom and there's a whole argument about it, like that I don't help around the house ever because I forgot to do that one thing. Just things like that that just little things that get blown out of proportion, I suppose. Yeah.

Or do you have any sort of relationship with your parents? Not really. I've tried, after we ended up eloping and that kind of blew up. And it was this whole thing of trying to get my stuff back. Every time I would go over, they're like, why are you here? This isn't your house anymore. You're only allowed to come over if your husband's not there. if your husband's not around and you admit that you're wrong and what you've done was bad.

And so, like, after so many times of going over or leaving gifts for birthdays or Mother's Day and Father's Day and just either them getting torn away or them not answering, I've just kind of stopped. Yes. Can I tell you that was the right thing? Okay. And I also want to tell you, I hate this for you. And I want to tell you, you're not crazy, and it should not be this way. Yeah. Okay.

My only concern for you is a common thing that happens with parents like this. Now, if you listen to my show, I'm always railing against people who cut their parents off or parents who cut off their kids, all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I hate it. And sometimes it's very necessary. But I want you to hear me say, they left you. You didn't leave this.

them. Yeah. They got in their boat and drove away and you've been treading water trying to swim after a moving boat. You can't catch it. Yeah. And so some of that extra activity, I want to try to do this, I want to try to do this, is you avoiding the despair and the black hole of grief that every kid feels when their parents choose immaturity, when their parents choose to weaponize what I think is one of the most precious relationships on the planet, which is the relationship between a child and their mom and dad. Yeah. My only concern for you right now,

besides dealing with that level of grief, and it's going to be a tidal wave. Yeah. My only concern for you is what often happens is somebody runs into the arms of an unhealthy partner. Right. Is the guy you married a good man? He is.

Yeah. It's, it's been amazing to see how much he supported me through all of this. Yeah. And how much he's, you know, held me in those dark moments of, you know, missing my family. And I am trying to make the effort of, let's see what we can do. Let's try to fix this. Let's, you know, and I've, he's really been a huge, huge saving grace through all of this. Okay.

Yeah, I've been really grateful for him and all of it. Okay, this is a total side note. But every once in a while, literally, and I mean this literally, not figuratively, literally grab his face, hold both of his cheeks, and look him dead in his eyes and say, thank you for loving me so well, okay? Yeah. Like celebrate him in those little quiet moments, okay? Yeah.

Even tough guys need to know their wife sees them, right? Yeah. How does his parents, how have they accepted you? Well, they have been very supportive. They kind of saw all of this go down from the sidelines. And during the wedding planning, his mom tried to talk to my mom and say, hey, maybe they're a misunderstanding. Like, can we figure this out?

and it totally just blew up. And so they, I don't know, they let us stay at their place for a little bit as we were figuring things out and just helped us, helped us along with the things that we needed because I kind of have lost everything at that point. I didn't have all my belongings for a long time. So they were kind of just helping me out in so many ways. And so they've been, they've been really supportive over that and have kind of taken me in as, you know, one of their kids. And so it's been, it's been good. I think for whatever it's worth,

and this is part of, this is a gift for them, but it's part of your healing, okay? Yeah. Is having a meeting at the table with them, and it can be a five-minute meeting, a three-minute meeting. But if you picture yourself,

if you close your eyes and picture some of the smoke clearing on all of this, sitting down with them and saying, hey, my parents weaponized their relationship with me. And I want to tell you guys, I'm grateful of the way y'all have cared for me during all this. Yeah. And it sounds like they're the kind of people

that just open their front door to hurting people and they're not going to bad mouth your parents or whatever. And good for them. Yeah. Like that's wisdom, right? They don't need to run down somebody else to do the right thing themselves, right? Yeah.

But letting them know, hey, through all this, I saw how y'all welcomed to me, and I just want to tell y'all thank you. Yeah. Like, they'll exhale in a way. They probably didn't even know they were holding their breath. And here's your mission. It's going to be tough. You're going to have to learn how to be loved well. Because you have never been loved well.

You've been loved conditionally. Yeah. And so it's going to feel unsafe. It's going to feel unfamiliar. Yeah, I definitely saw that, like, first getting married. I felt anxious like everything had to be perfect. You know, like, clean the house before my husband got home or I'd be so apologetic for everything. And he'd be like, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Like, you're okay. Like, thank you for everything you're doing. Like, don't worry about it. You're okay. And it took me a while to realize, like, okay, it is. It's okay, you know. This guy loves all of me, not just he loves the performance of me. Right, yeah.

It will probably take until you're 30 before you finally can completely lean into that. But I want you to practice. And here's what practice means. I'll pull that apart. Practice means when he says, when he texts you and says, hey, I'm headed home. And it's going to be imperceptible sometimes. Sometimes it will be big. you immediately, you're sitting down on the couch, just vegging,

and you immediately feel like I got to get up and go do a thing. Yeah. I want you to put your hand in the middle of your chest and feel that for a second. And then I want you to say out loud, nah, this guy loves me. Okay? Yeah. And I'm going to meet him in the garage and be ridiculous once the garage door closes. Right.

You get what I'm saying? Like, I'm going to go not just feel it. I'm going to go do a thing towards. him. Yeah. Because I've spent my whole life wincing at the thought of a relationship. I want your body to, I want your heart rate to slow down when he drives up because he's home. He's my safe place.

And I'm his safe place. Yeah. And that's just going to be a thing you practice. But as for your parents, they left you. You didn't break it off with them. Yeah. They're throwing an adult temper tantrum because they no longer have power. over someone they believe is beneath them.

And now their temper tantrum is going into destroying somebody's reputation, somebody's good name, somebody's word. They're willing to burn their daughter and their daughter's marriage to the ground in order to be right. That's what it feels like. It's not what it feels like. That's what it is, hon. And there, I love you and I miss you, is gaslighting 101.

Let me say it like this. They don't miss you. They miss their feeling of power over you. That's what they miss. You're standing tall. You're leaning on another family who is more supportive and caring and loving for you. Is exposing their weakness. And they don't like being exposed.

Yeah. And they will burn down their weakness. daughter to feel strong again. While they were typing that letter up, they felt powerful. When they hit send on it, they felt strong. Yeah. But that strength was fleeting because it was fake. Yeah. I'm grateful that more and more people are starting to realize that it was fake. Yeah. Here's the thing. For a long time, yeah, I didn't have contact with a lot of extended family because they were told that they weren't allowed to talk to me and that this was real. And they've kind of, you know, not all of them have come around, but most of them have,

and especially my dad's side of the family has been there the whole time. Like, they've seen a lot of this before. There you go. This doesn't happen in a vacuum. This is how they've rolled for a long time. Yeah. And so all you can control here is, and I feel like I'm saying this more and more these days, all you can control is who you as a 21-year-old woman are going to show up in the world.

And I want to tell you, I got two kids, what I want for the adults in the world they're inhabiting to exhibit, I'm going to be a person of integrity, dignity, and responsibility. I'm going to treat people with respect, even when they don't deserve it, and I'm going to do the best I can to become an emotionally mature adult. Yeah. And that means I'm going to have big feelings. I'm going to be sad. I might close my door and crumble to the floor and weep.

And then I'm going to go do the next right thing. Right. And that's where you find yourself. Here's a couple of quick tips. I would write a letter to them that I would never send. And actually, I want you to write three letters. And I know it's a lot and don't do it all at the same time. But I want you to close your eyes one day when you're by yourself,

not even when your husband's home. I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself as a nine-year-old girl. And remember one of the times when your mom is screaming at you because you didn't scrub around her toilet in just the right way. And I want you to write a letter

to that nine-year-old girl and tell her none of this was your fault. You were nine. And then I want you to write a letter to 17-year-old you. And then this is going to be nutty. I want you to write a letter to them,

letting them know you love them, and you're going to be a person of dignity and respect, and that you're sad that they left you, but that you're going to stop running after them because they're the adults in the room. And here's the thing. Given the way they're acting, they're probably not going to come around.

And what that's going to do for you is blow up this picture you had of having grandkids and your grandparent and your parents sitting around a fire for Christmas or whatever story you've made up in your head. We all have those stories, those pictures. they're not going to come true. And your right to grieve those things. And then the next responsible action for you to take is creating new pictures.

And it might be your in-laws are on that table. It might be, I'm never going to talk bad about my parents because I'm not going to be that person. But your kids are going to know, yeah, my mom and dad had a lot of struggles and they weren't well. We're going to go to Granny and Poppaw's house. your husband's parents. And I'll just say kudos to your young husband for doing a pretty amazing job of loving you well. Shout out to that guy.

And shout out to him. It didn't sound like he got involved in the chaos of your family until they started calling your names and running you down. Shout out to him for standing in the gap and stepping up for his about-to-be wife. It takes a lot of courage for a 20-year-old young man to step up and say, I don't care who you are. You're not going to lie about my wife. You're not going to talk bad.

You're not going to call my wife names. I don't care who you are. Good for him. Good for him. I hate this for you, Jordan. Thanks for the call, sister. It's going to be a season of deep grief because your parents walked away from you. But that chain isn't hooked to your ankle anymore.

It's not hooked to your ankle anymore. You're free. Go be the best version of yourself with that free. him. All right, when we come back, a man asks how to live his life when he has a life that his wife is not comfortable with. I can't wait to hear this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here, and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more, you're probably sleeping less, and if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes.

And if you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress doesn't just disappear. It stays in your body, and it shows up in your work, in your relationships, in your patients, it shows up everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy or seeking help, it's important. important to keep finding ways to get the help you need, especially when your schedules have blown up and summer is here. And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist in schedule sessions right in the app.

And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no extra cost. get the help you need. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go back to Boise. We're crushing Idaho today and talk to Doc. Hey, Doc, what's up? I'm doing good, John.

How are you? I'm good, brother. What's up with you, man? Well, I called into your show today to get some advice about, I guess, the cliche, the work-life balance. I am a farmer here in Idaho, and I'm married my wife about six years ago, and we have four children,

but she is not from the agriculture farming background, and the rural life has been very, very difficult on her. She comes from a family of doctors and dentists from Southern California. Your lifestyle looked way cooler on YouTube, didn't it? Oh, so much so. And so it's been difficult, especially these past couple years with her being a rock star and raising our four kids and doing so, so much to make our family close together. And, you know, when I'm having to work hard and long hours, it's very difficult.

And it takes a toll on her. And so my question is, you know, assuming, you know, I, you know, I, I want to do all I can to make it, make it better for her, whether it's, you know, staying here or having to make drastic life changes to try and to make her more comfortable. I'm just not sure what to do because it's hard. I don't want to leave her at home alone all day and a place that she hates surrounded by in-laws and other people when her family's not around. and I'm just not sure how to best navigate or help her.

Man, you're a good man, dude. It's good to talk to a good man. Thanks. It's good, man. So I guess my, and she's not on the phone, my first question to her would be, how much of this is farm-related and what you say is like the agricultural lifestyle

and it sounds like your family's, is this a big family operation? Yes. Okay. I work every day with my dad and my brothers. I have several aunts and uncles and cousins around. And her family has kind of mass exodus left the west. She siblings, she has one that moved to Nashville, Bowling Green, one moving to Alabama this summer.

She's basically losing all of her siblings and her parents and her support system here in the western U.S. And so that's kind of also kind of doubling down on that. Yeah. So the questions, when everything feels like everything all at work. once. The path forward is often to stop, which is hard to do, and slow down, which is really hard to do, and to the best you can, pull things apart. And here's what I mean. I don't know any stay-at-home mom on the planet that would just be loving life with four kids under the age of six, right? That's number one. You could live in a 30,000 square foot house in Southern California,

And dude, you could be a brain surgeon. And if she's a stay-at-home mom doing life by herself with four kids under the age of six or maybe four kids under the age of five, she's going to be like, I hate my life, right? No, that's stream one. Stream two. I don't say I don't know anybody. It's rare. Not rare.

It's uncommon. That somebody has no social support from their family. they just get to dropped into the middle of somebody else's machine, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, right? Yep. That feels totally, ah, at ease. Mm-hmm. Right?

That's stream number two. Stream number three is, I don't know anybody who's comfortable when, how old are you guys? 28. Okay, yeah, you're right in the season. About 27 to about 35 is when everybody, myself, everybody I know included,

those friends and relationships that you develop and even family members that you develop in your 20s, you're at the age now where somebody has a kid, somebody moves away, somebody gets divorced, and everybody starts kind of fanning out into their adult life. And it's really hard. And if she had a close relationship with her family

and they're all just, you know, head in east or head in south, that's a thing. that's going to make somebody uncomfortable, even in the best of situations. And then you throw in, she moved to green acres, and her husband comes in smelling like,

you know, hay or wheat or whatever you're farming out there, and understanding like goats and chickens and all that, and understanding, depending on what you farm, is it pretty seasonal that when the moisture is just right and whatever, you're up 36 straight hours, right?

Well, it depends on the time of year. You got cattle, you got crops, you got all sorts of stuff going different times. That's right. But there are longer seasons and slower seasons. There you go. And so I did not. Like, I didn't understand until I started spending time with farmers like, oh, when the weather's just right, that combine goes on.

And it runs for 36 straight hours because we got to get this cut before this thing comes, this snow comes in and these cows got it never stops. I had no idea. That's how that worked, right? I have a respect for farmers that is like to the center of the earth deep because I didn't realize all that went into it I thought you just put a cow out in the field and it took care of itself

I didn't know all that went into that right and so anyway all I had to say is I would want to ask the deeper questions because here's my fear for you guys you cash out of your farm you have a hard conversation with your family you all pack up and move to Tennessee which by the way we'd love to have

you. Tennessee's awesome. But that she goes with her. The things about this season of life that she's in being almost 30, having a bunch of really young kids all over the place, being a stay-at-home mom, having grown up with a certain lifestyle that now her lifestyle is very different. And y'all may have, y'all may be the same, have the same amount of money, but she's not going to private school in southern california and a mercedes anymore now she's on a two hundred thousand dollar combine right the money's the same but the life is different like my fear is that whatever you if y'all just jump and do a thing she's going to go with her and she's going to find herself unhappy in her own skin wherever she goes because it's just this season right and so i'd want to get to

what kind of life do we want to create together and i don't want to ever run from something i want to go to something. Yeah. And if it just happens to be that life is just awful right now because we have four kids at various levels of diapers and screaming and yelling and bath times and bed times, then I want to tell you guys it's winter. You just got to wear your coats, but spring is coming. Right?

And if it is, hey, I've lived with your family for six years and I have to tell you, I miss my family. Can you solve that with flights? Can you solve that with long trips or do we need to have a much bigger conversation, right? Mm-hmm. And, but I want to have those deep conversations, not, I hate this and we got to get out of here. Yeah. She's actually spent a lot, she's actually in Bowling Green, Kentucky right now for the past five days.

So she's with some family right now. Great. And I get, every time, you know, whether we go on a trip together or she visits family or and, you know, not that she's intending to guilt trip me or anything, but, like, she talks about, like, you know, it's really cool, nice, whether it's, you know, they have these parks and these activities. They have, like, places to eat, and they have, you know, stuff that, you know, there isn't in the middle of nowhere.

And, you know, it's not necessarily that she wants to, like, you know, rub it in that she's, she doesn't get all these things. But, you know, I see, I hear it through the, in between the lines every time, know whether that kind of stuff happens. And so it makes me happy that she's doing that, but also sad because I know that she's going to be coming back here to nothing land. Yeah, but I want you to be careful about making up stories trying to read between the lines. Because you might create a narrative.

Both things can be true. I love going to New York for 48 hours. It's chaos. I love it. Last time I flew into New York, I was getting into bed. And a buddy of mine that I've known for 10 years just happened to be landing a new York and we went up and got pizza at 1 a.m. like four blocks off of like I loved all of that. I don't want to live like that though. And when I got home, I was telling my wife about all the

crazy adventures we had. We went over to this club. We went and saw this band. Me and my buddy Jefferson had pizza at 1 a.m. Like all that was cool. And she could have created a story that he hates his life here. Right. And so the important thing for y'all to to kind of zero in on is I'm making up stories that you don't love being here, that you want a different kind of life. And she might say,

no, it's just going to take some time for me to adjust. I do love my life here. And I also like cool restaurants. And I like, I had a picture of my kids playing with their cousins and that picture's not going to come true.

Right? And so it's you not trying to solve for stories you've made up. Now, if she's telling you, I don't want to live here anymore. I hate farming, right? you're not making up stories, right? You're getting facts, right?

And the other side of it is, I don't want her making up stories in her head about, I signed up for a life of misery. But if I told him I wanted to move, it would break his heart because he's a farmer, and that's what I signed up for. So I'm just going to be quiet and quietly squash myself over the next 50 years.

That's my fear. I don't want her making up stories either. Yeah. So the path is, and if you haven't done this, man, I highly recommend it. We're, I've made, and this is the first time I'm announcing this, I have made a, it's an annual marriage planning kit.

And it comes out this December. It'll be ready to be shipped in December. But it is literally for this thing I've been talking about for years on this show, the turning the lights on, turn the music off, clearing the deck, let's rebuild our marriage from day one. It's a, it's one of the things I'm most proud of I've ever been a part of. It's not ready for you yet. otherwise I would just send you one. But there's something powerful about saying,

hey, the marriage we had when you fell for this handsome Idaho farmer and I fell for this stunning, beautiful Southern California girl, like that marriage that we had is over. We have a different marriage now. We get to decide what that thing feels like, what it looks like. And here's the stories I'm making up about us six years in. I'd love to hear the stories you're making up about us six years in. And both of us get to decide what it looks like moving forward.

And it just has a way of saying we get to realign this thing, right? So can I give you like a totally not at all in your situation, but kind of peripheral to your situation? When I left the university, when I left Belmont to come work here as a YouTuber, I was set on buying some property out in the woods. And my wife grew up on property. She lived in Texas, so there was no woods. but like that's how she grew up.

She knew that life. It was awesome. And our local school was 20 minutes away. And the doctor's office was 45 minutes away. To go to a concert, it was about an hour away. And for four or five years, we loved that life. And increasingly, my wife was spending up to four hours a day in the car. And so we sat down and said, okay, we get to decide what our life looks like.

And she said, I don't want to spend four hours a day in the car, 20 minutes this way, back, and then getting the other kid, 20 minutes, and then back. And then doctor appointment here, brace is here. Like, I'm looking at the next decade of my life. And so we spent the next year and a half trying to find a place in town

that was different than the picture I had in my head. And I, as the guy said, I'm in, I see this. I want to give you the life that you want, And she's like, I don't want to take you away from. So we had to navigate that together, right? And it might be that you find a place closer to the city and you choose to drive. And that means sometimes you're, like,

but some of those things are solvable. But they just require y'all sitting down and saying, we love each other, we're right or die. And we both need to say the hard things that are in our spirit right now. And you say, I think I'm failing you as your husband. I think you're miserable in the life that we're creating together.

And her saying, no, no, no. You get what I'm saying? Mm-hmm, yes. And I think that's the path right now, and it might be that y'all sit down and have it, and she says, I can't do this much longer, right? And then you've got some tough choices to make. Yeah.

Or she might say, no, no, no, no, I signed up for this. I love it, and I miss this other stuff. Both of those things are true. And then y'all can decide, well, the kids are going to have, not the fanciest shoes, because we're going to start a flight account fund, Like when me and my wife moved from Texas, we moved from all of our family here to Nashville,

we created a fund that was just flights so we could go visit people. And also, I had to get over. I like us all traveling together. I like big old rambunctious Deloni running through airports because I'm always late and getting, I like all that. Makes my wife insane.

So I had to get used to her going on a two-week vacation just to visit family without me. I don't like that, but that was the best thing for all of us, right? Yeah. And so all I'll let to say is be careful about the stories you're making up and have a regular seasonal rhythm with her that we put all these stories on the table. Okay.

And if she says, I hate farming and I want to move to Alabama, holler back at me, dude. I'll help you with that transition. Well, I'm flying over there to pick her up on Thursday, So I might come by there in Nashville to see the place. Swing on by Nashville, and we got coffee here in the lobby for you for free and some cookies, and we'll hang out. That'd be awesome.

Thank you, Dr. Delaney. But let me say this. The fact that you're going to hop on a plane, you're going to climb out of your combine, God help, you better wear your overall, so, brother. You can take the farmer off the farm, but you can't take the farm out of the farmer. Like, like, the fact that you're flying to go pick her up and fly back with her, like, you're a good man, dude. It's awesome. Thank you.

And it sounds to me like you love that woman more than you love this farm. Is that fair? That's fair. A lot of it's also, you know, I don't want to say stereotypically, but there is a lot of emotion when it comes to talking through this stuff with my wife. and there's a logical part of my brain. There's a part of me that understands I was raised in this world. And so maybe I'm not getting the full weight of what she's going through. And, you know, my transferable skills aren't as applicable in a city.

So it's, there's a lot of other career stuff that's connected to it that I don't. Totally get that. And that's another story you're making up. Yeah. And I don't know. There's so many farms. out here that looking for ranch hands and what like there's there's places now equity ownership having land in in idaho is is like gold right now right so i get all that um let me challenge

you on something before i let you go okay okay is this a generational farm does your granddad worked this land too my grandfather passed away uh six months ago so that that it um and we just uh the A plot of land we bought with together, that three generations bought together, we just got finished and ready. And we actually just were harvesting the first time on that unit on that farm. So there's, it's a lot. Yeah. Okay.

Let me challenge you, okay? Your sweat, your family sweat, your family blood is in that dirt. That's real. Okay. and when you're second, third, fourth generation farmer, it's easy, it's not easy, it is. Your identity becomes, I am a farmer. I want you to contemplate, maybe write yourself, write it down.

I don't know if you're a writer or talk it into your notes app on your phone or whatever. I want you to change that identity to, I'm a husband and I'm a dad who farms. Right? And that's tough. And that's for, I'm a third generation police officer. I think we take our profession and we make it our identity and we try to cram everything else in our life into that identity. And I think that buries people.

Yep. I want you to own, I'm a husband because I said I do. I'm a father because me and my wife made four beautiful, amazing, healthy kids. And I am continuing with the family business, which is we do farming. and if you choose to keep doing farming, awesome, great, wonderful. But I don't ever want anyone's occupation to become their identity because technology eventually takes away or transitions or moves occupations and it leaves people untethered to who they thought they were. And that just means our identity was in the wrong place all the time. And so like for me, I'm a guy who sits with hurting people.

And I did that when I was a dean of students. I did that when I was working with police officers. I do that as a YouTuber. If I got fired today or I quit doing this tomorrow, I would find another job where I sat with hurting people. And that might look a fowl. If I worked at Burger King, I'd be sitting with exhausted, frustrated people, right?

But ask yourself that deeper question. I'm a husband. I'm a father. I'm a guy who? And, man, don't make up a story that you don't have transferable skills because it's just not accurate. You might not have skills right now that would you could walk out and get the same dollar amount that you earn every year. But man, there's always a place for men and women who know how to work really, really hard, know how to

do something on behalf of others, know how to fix things and build things. There's always a place for folks who are service oriented. And that's what farmers are. So brother, man, best of luck to you. And if your wife wants to call into it, I would love to talk to both of you all. That'd be a fascinating conversation. But thanks for having the courage to call, my man. It's time to say the words, the stories I'm making up are and go from there. Love you guys. We'll be right back.

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without pressure, gimmicks, or confusion. You don't need a sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Go to zander.com to get a quote today. That's Xander with a zee.com All right, Kelly, we have a follow-up call. First of all, when you edit this show, I need you to blur out that nonsense t-shirt you're wearing.

No. For those that can't see, it says Texas Rangers, and I will not. And for those that are listening, I know my Astros are in dead last place. I mean, we're not doing great. We're in third, but better than yours. Yes.

All of us could have a T-Rost. and be playing about as good right now. Like we could just make like a Deloni team, network team. I think it's safe to say that the World Series this year will not come down to the two Texas teams. Agreed. Yeah, I think we're safe.

What's that thing they play every year when they play each other that's like the silver boot or something like that? Yeah, I think that's it. I think they should just skip it this year. Be like, nah, we're good. Play a football tournament. I'll get beer and hot dogs.

They can just do some pickleball. That's a thing. It would probably be better than the baseball that's being played right now. Yeah. Yeah. It's not great. But I'm still, love my team.

I love mine too. But whoa. All right. So we have a follow up. We do. So this is from Justin. He was on the show in January of 25. Been so what?

13, 14, 15 months since he's been on. Okay. And he called in about struggling to feel comfortable around his wife and talking to his wife after years of contempt. Okay. And then you told him, he said, you told me that I needed to stand up for myself and deal with the trauma.

After some counseling, I told her that I was not going to be permissive of abusive behavior anymore. If there was something I can do better, I'm happy to listen, but I won't tolerate denigration. Soon after, she called me selfish and immature. I told her that if you can point

to a specific action that is selfish or immature, I'll change it. But if not, I'm not going to tolerate those comments. She couldn't, so I walked away. afterwards she apologized we agreed to start acting differently now as we approach our 20th anniversary and she's showing more affection and appreciation i'm gradually feeling my walls come down and starting to enjoy each other more thank you wow dude good on him man what i love most about this so this was sitting in and like i said he was on it originally in january and here we are this

you know 15 months later it doesn't happen overnight it takes a it takes a year It takes time. And I like this because he's saying now I'm finally feeling those walls come down. Because I think people get frustrated. Well, I said I'm sorry and it didn't happen immediately. So I'm just going to go back to what I was doing. But it takes time. Like you said this before, it didn't happen that way overnight.

Didn't start that way. So it's not going to stop doing that overnight either. That's right. And I think it's hard sometimes when you're listening to these calls. If you have, if you're 400 pounds and you want to, gets a 200 pounds, like that's an amazing achievement. And at the end of the day, if you distill it all the way down, it's diet and exercise, right? And it also is going to take some cognitive work, some mental health stuff, like some emotional health stuff. But at the end of the day,

it's all the way down there. And if you're 205 and you want to get down to 195, it's diet and exercise. And so the principles, I think, underlying all this stuff are the same, but how long everyone's individual journey is, is just going to depend on their situation, right? And so, man, that's amazing that, and I'm going to do something crazy. Big time props to him for, he stood up for himself, but it doesn't sound like he stood up for himself like a jerk. He didn't go on a revenge to her. He showed up as the guy he wants to be. And to somebody, for somebody who has lived in with thinking they're better than their partner forever, shout out to her too. For, realizing I don't want to be this person either.

And I've been trying to get my way. I've been trying to feel better by pointing out how that this guy's X, Y, or Z, 20 years in that has not got me the life I want. What if I tried being positive? What if I tried celebration? What if I tried to get him to know this guy? I get the life I want too.

So shout out to both of them, man. That's awesome. Good for him. And, man, this would have been the perfect ending if it wasn't for your dumb t-shirt. would have been awesome. You would have found something else to bitch about. No, I wouldn't have.

I'm probably. Love you guys, bye.