The Dr. John Delony Show - An Aging Man Feels Lost, a Good Stepfather, & a Burnt Out Wife/Mom

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode I'm struggling with depression at 60 years old and I feel lost I have a 2-year-old daughter and my fiancée has a 3-year-old daughter. How can I be the best dad and stepdad I can be? Teaching Segment: Box Breathing I'm married with two kids and a job as a special ed teacher. I am overwhelmed and sometimes wish I could walk away. Lyrics of the Day: "Terry's Song" - Bruce Springsteen   tags: depression, counseling/therapy, workplace/career, money, marriage, parenting, sexuality/intimacy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a 60-year-old man who's struggling with what to do next. We talk to a young man who wants to be a great dad, and he's getting married, and she's bringing a daughter in too, and he wants to be a great stepdad too. And we also talk to a woman who's got two adopted kids, struggling with work, struggling with their marriage, and she's thinking she might want to walk away. Stay tuned. Hey what is up This is Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show Hope you're doing awesome

Awesome is such a dramatic word That people who work with high school kids use on a regular basis So I'm not going to use that anymore Hope you're doing well Hope your family's good I hope you're healthy Awesome is such a dramatic word that people who work with high school kids use on a regular basis. So I'm not going to use that anymore. Hope you're doing well. Hope your family's good. I hope you're healthy. I'm glad you're walking alongside us, listening and watching the show today, however you're consuming this.

We take your calls on mental health, on your wellness, on your relationships, on your marriage, on what's going on in your life. Good stuff, bad stuff, tough stuff, hard stuff, all of it. All of it. We're so glad that you're here. Sometimes on the show we talk about really positive things, sometimes we talk about hard, hard truths, and sometimes I just have to admit some things. So after one of my podcasts the other day, I was driving home from work, alone in my car, and my buddy called me from Texas and he said the following, I've got something that's really annoying for your annoying part segment. And I was like, great,

what is it? And he said, you, you are the annoying part because you said the words literally three times in a podcast. And I was like, dude, I didn't say that. I would never say that because it violates one of my core tenets about overuse of adverbs. And he said, man, you did it. And it's ridiculous. It was annoying. And so I would like to call you up being annoying. And so I think it's crazy how many adverbs we use. For those of you who don't know, adverbs on the whole are L-Y words. And so an average sentence these days is something like, it was terribly embarrassingly ugly how weirdly and spaciously she moved around the room

with her hairy and horrifyingly horrible clothes. Right that like what are you saying just say what you're gonna say and then we all use the word literally wrong so i hereby declare internets podcasts universe whatever a moratorium on adverbs let's just say this she was really sad not she was terribly terrifyingly sad she was really bummed man that's it we're gonna reset starting today control alt delete on all language use in the known universe no more adverbs and here's another thing i will begin sending out 10 free books that's probably a lot five free books every time i use an adverb we can just going to keep a jar. We got to fix the language, man. I'm just an idiot. It sounds awful. And I use the word literally three times. So every

adverb, I'm going to send out five free books to people on the internets. All right. Today's show is going to be fun and hard and exciting all at the same time. So let's get right to the phones. Let's go to Brian in San Antonio. Brian, how in the world are we doing, man? I'm doing okay, sir. You? I'm doing okay as well. So, man, for our listeners here, I want to let them know how I got to know you and how you and I talked for a few minutes briefly, I think a week or two ago.

And I was so grateful that you're willing to reach out and catch back up with me on this show so we can talk a little bit more. I was co-hosting the Dave Ramsey show with Dave and you called in and said you were struggling with some things. And we got up against a break in that call and we answered the financial part of that question, but I had this sneaking suspense in my guts that there was way, way more to that call. And gratefully, off the air, you talked to Kelly about it, and you were willing to come back and chat with me a little bit further, man. So I want to tell you, I've been thinking about you all week, and I'm glad that you reached back out, and I'm glad that we get to spend some more time together.

I appreciate that, man. So, um, walk me back. Tell me what's going on in your, in your world and your heart and your mind, everything.

Uh, when I called y'all, I was reaching out because the few times that I've listened to Dave, it just seems like he really cares about the people he talks to on the phone. Yeah. And I was looking for somebody to give me a little direction. Yeah. And I was talking to y'all. I guess you came up that I'm having issues in my head a little bit,

and you wanted to talk to me some more about that. I mean, I'm just looking for some help getting myself straightened out. You know, I'm 60 years old and I need to get my head in the right place and my finances in the right place and get ready for whatever's coming on after this, I guess. So, man, you said a lot there without saying very much. So when you say get your head right, tell me what's going on. We're here together, man. Just be honest and be open as vulnerable as you feel comfortable being. But what's going on in your head?

Mostly it's just, I mean, I like what I do, where I work and everything, but I have a hard time getting up and getting there. I'm just tired all the time. I don't know if it's physical or mental or a combination of both. It's just hard to get up and live every day. On the days off, it's really hard. I don't get much accomplished because I just drag all day long. So you're 60 now. Take me back to Brian, who's 20. I don't, I don't, when I was 20,

I just moved to Texas, um, worked a job that, you know, required lots of hours and had no issues getting up and working and spending as many hours as I needed to on the job. And, but,

uh, Brian at 20 did not plan for Brian at 60, nor, nor at 30 or 40. So I'm sitting here at 60 with not a plan on how I'm going to keep on keeping on when I can't get to work and make a paycheck every day. Yeah. So you ever been married, man? For five years.

Tell me about that. When did you get married? I was 30. 30. And so you got married at 30 and five years. So what happened with that relationship? I got her pregnant, and I thought getting married was the right thing to do. And after we got married, she said that I talked her into it.

She didn't really want to be married, and she pretty much, from the get-go, wanted to be divorced. So I fought it for five years, and then finally she had all she could take and said, that's it. We split the blanket. So take me back to Brian as a 10-year-old. Where were you born and raised? And tell me about your folks. I was born and raised in northern Indiana. My folks were some of the best people in the world. My dad was an incredible man.

They cared about their kids. They took care of us. some of the best people in the world. My dad was an incredible man. You know, they cared about their kids. They took care of us. I don't, you know, they both worked. What brought you to Texas? I grew up on a farm, and after doing that, working on another farm when I got out of school, I wanted to try something different.

I had some friends that I went to school with that lived down here, and they invited me down. I found a job and just ended up down here. I love Texas. It's a great place. I agree. I agree. I talk about it too much on this show, man. That's where I was born and raised.

So you mentioned you had a kid um tell me about your kid uh i think that he's a great human being he's 30 years old now yeah uh you know he's everybody that has deals with him and his life is good things to say about him. I'm proud to be his dad. How often do you get to see him? Oh, with this COVID thing and stuff, it's, we've only been able to get together a couple times in the last year.

But before that, you know, several times a year, we'd, I'd go up there. he'd come down here. Yeah. Are you a granddad?

No. No? Someday? Uh, you know, with the way the world is now, I don't think that's in the plans. What does that mean? Uh, I, I just, it seems that a lot of the people in that 30 year old and younger feel like the raising the kids is just too much to handle. And I kind of have to agree that raising kids is not the easiest thing, but it's the best thing that ever happened to me. That's right. Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. So you fast forward here, you're 60.

Tell folks what you do for a living. I work for the state and maintenance job that keeps me outdoors a lot. And I'm down here in the hill country where it's beautiful. Yeah. And so when you say you just wake up every day, you're hurt, you're tired all the time, have you gone to see a doctor and get checked out physically? Yeah. And pretty much all they say is we've got to get your blood pressure under control.

Okay. And I say, if I wasn't so tired all the time, I think the blood pressure would correct itself. Yeah. Who do you hang out with? Who are some buddies you might have or some friends you might have? I don't really. I'm pretty much a hermit. How come?

It's pretty much who I've been all my life. Yeah. What makes you laugh? What brings you joy? Well, What makes you laugh? What brings you joy? I don't know about laugh, but I, you know, sunsets and sunrises and pretty days and, you know, wildlife, things like that. I mean, it just makes you know that there's days worth living. Yeah. What makes you have days that you wonder if they are worth living?

I don't think I have an issue with that. I just have an issue with wondering how I'm going to keep on. I don't feel like I ever have days. I just know there's days when you, it hurts and it's hard to keep moving and you wonder if you're going to be able to keep, keep going. Yeah. That may be what you mean right there. Yeah. What, what scares you about the future of the world? About the world?

About, about the next next 10 15 years in your life what what makes you nervous what makes you a little bit anxious he makes you want to go out and go for a walk and in on one of those trails that you help support um i just not being able to uh you know pay the bills and and have a place to live and afford a doctor, that's, like I said, I didn't plan for. My plan was just to keep on working forever, but I find out that it's not an option. Harder and harder, huh? So do you love your job? Are you open to getting a new job? To doing something different? Well,

I love where I work at and being outdoors. I've got nine years invested in it. And it's got a retirement and all that. I just don't think that's something I can turn my back on. So when you say, I don't know how I'm going to keep the lights on, keep the bills paid, be able to afford a doctor, you say you got a retirement, at some point you have some sort of social security. Is there something deeper, or is this just a math

problem, and you're just, man, I did the math, it's going to be tough. Or are you in a predicament where i really love my job and my body is not going to allow me to do this job much longer and i'm going to have to figure out something else to do i just really don't want to well the math problem is just not sure that what little money is going to come in is going to be enough. And I'm not enough of a mathematician to know that. And the physical part is, yeah,

I wouldn't mind, you know, I was, I, and what I do, there's jobs where you can work part time and work in parks and travel a little bit. And to me, that sounds real cool. Yeah.

And so I just, I don't want to be a burden to my son or to anybody. So, you know, I want to be able to support myself until I can, until, you know, it's not needed anymore. Yeah. So here's a couple of things I just want to pass along to you. And you may know this stuff. And, man, Brian, you may hang up the phone and say that guy's full of crap and it is what it is. But I want you to hear a couple of things that are profound truths that I've seen firsthand. Okay. profound truths that I've seen firsthand. Number one, I don't care how Texan you are, how strong you are, how old you are,

how anything you are, every single one of us, myself included, brother, and I hear you in my voice. I hear so many men, my friends' dads in your voice. Something about you rings a bell in my soul in a way that I haven't had it rung in a long time. And I need you to hear that people would benefit and would love having Brian in their life. My gut tells me you've got some stories and you've got some experiences and you've got a heart for service. You love working outside, taking care of things behind the scenes for people so they can enjoy these parks. You have single-handedly kept the stitching and duct tape fabric of our society together by keeping these parks open during COVID the last year so people could get outside.

And the phrase, I'm just a hermit. I just like to be by myself. I get that, man. I get it so much. That's my tendency. But I want you to know that value and wellness and wholeness and this idea that I can't wait to wake up tomorrow comes from one thing, and that's from being connected to other people. The second thing I want you to know is this is a challenge. This is a friendly challenge to a guy like I'm considering you my new friend. My mom took a new job at the age of 57, and she hadn't been in the workforce much in her whole life and she went to school she at 57 she got a job and now at age of 70 she's making more money than she's ever made in her entire life she's had this whole wild second life and then her 60s she wouldn't get on an airplane she just didn't like to fly she just wouldn't do it and now she jet sets all over planet earth from

Wales to teaching in London she's a professor now all over the place. And this is somebody that never went to college until her first community college class was the age of 42. And I just want to tell you, whatever you want to do, man, you're in a slice of history where you can get any new education for free, if not for cheap. You can find people who will rally around you, new opportunities there in San Antonio day after day after day. I don't want you to pin yourself in and say, this is just is what it is what it is. And I'm destined for this being the period at the end of my life. The last part of your life can be whatever kind of adventure you want to wrap around it. And the third thing I want to tell you with all my heart, I get the sentiment that you don't want to be a burden to

your son, this guy that is a great human being that everybody around him loves. But I want you to flip that around and I want you to sit down and talk to him and tell him, hey, young man, I want you to know that I love you and I'm really proud of you. Everybody I talk to talks about how great you are and I think you're great. And I also want you to know I need some help planning for the future. 20-year-old Brian didn't care about 60-year-old Brian. And by the way, very few 20-year-olds care about their 60-year-old selves, right? But I want you to tell him you're lonely. I want you to tell him you love him. I want you to tell him that you'd love to have him in your life. And here's the thing. You may think you're going to be a burden to him, but you may flip that around and be an extraordinary blessing to him.

You may be able to open up parts of him when it comes to empathy and parts of service. He may not know how to ask, hey, dad, how can I lean into your life and help and be someone who cares about you and loves you? So give him an opportunity to love and care for you the way you loved and cared for him for all those years. That doesn't mean he's going to pay your rent. That doesn't mean you're going to move into the room down by his bedroom, right? But it may mean that y'all are going to have a future together and be a lot closer, a lot more intertwined. I'm so grateful for the... My dad at age 68 got a new job and he's, man, he is rocking it.

I'm here talking about my mom, my dad too. And my relationship to my mom and my dad continues to go deeper and continues to go deeper because they're vulnerable, I'm vulnerable and we're figuring it out together. But I think you're somebody worth relationships, brother. And I'm going to challenge you to start thinking about new careers that's going to pay you more, that's going to give you more spark.

I want to challenge you to join some organizations around where you live, whether that's a birdwatching group or a hiking group or a something group, and be uncomfortable. Take that hermit and say, I know I'd rather just stay in bed, but not today. Today I'm going to go be around people. And I know it's cold. I know all that stuff. But I want you to really double down on meeting new people and reaching out to folks.

And I want you to have a conversation with your son. Tell him you love him. Tell him you're thinking about what the future is going to look like and you want him to be a part of it, but you don't want to be a burden to him and let him speak into your heart and mind. So Brian, thank you so much for calling me back and for just being vulnerable and being open. I hope you'll go see a doctor and more importantly than a doctor right now, you've been to a doctor and man, you've gotten some physical care. They talked about your blood pressure. If you want to really be brave, you want to really be tough,

I'd encourage you to go see a counselor. Somebody who to really be brave, you want to really be tough, I'd encourage you to go see a counselor. Somebody who's going to say, you can say, hey, I'm 60. I'm on the back half, man. Not a lot of people live it to 120. So who knows how long you're going to live, Brian, but you're on the back half. And I want to live well. I want to live with joy. I want to laugh a lot. And they're going to give you some skills, walk alongside you, talk you through some things, give you some opportunities to grow and make the last 10, 20, 30 years you got left an adventure so that you hit home base, man, with no tread left on Brian's tires. No tread left on the tires, brother. Thank you so much for calling. Those are my

challenges. Here's the thing. I hope you'll have those conversations. I hope you'll start reaching out, and I hope you'll give me a call back in a couple of months and let me know how you're doing and how things are going. I love talking to you. Like I say, man, you remind me so much of the men who have spoken into my life over the years, man. It's just awesome to talk to you. All right, let's go to Grant in Flagstaff.

Brother Grant, how are we doing? Hey, I'm good, Dr. John. How are you doing? I'm doing all right brother so what's going on man yeah yeah i just wanted to say man i've been listening to you since august and uh you just i don't know you give me so much hope and you i i look at you i'm 26 and you're the kind of man i want to be uh especially when i become your age dude what you're the first person to ever said that so thank you man you just you Like I said, you gave me a lot of hope.

I started a gratitude journal. I kind of developed a morning routine. I did the sugar thing, and I really enjoy listening to shows and having to work during the week. So my question for you is, I'm getting married in June. Like I said, I'm 26. I'm getting married in June, and I have a two-year-old daughter, of my own and my fiance has a three year old daughter and, um, kids seem a little overwhelming to me at times. And, uh, I have two and one and a half, as I like to say. And so I, I want to know, how do I be a, you know, how do I be a great husband? How do I be a great dad? And how do I be a great stepdad? It all kind of just seems overwhelming at times. Yeah.

Dude, it's overwhelming for sure, man. I just want to stop the show for a second, man, and just tell you I appreciate you. And I love your heart, brother. And thinking ahead, if every man would just stop and pause and say, this is a lot, and I want to be good at this, and I want to do this right, and I want to pick up some tools early on, man. Good for you, man. Good for you for setting an example for your kids and for every guy who's listening to this thing. Every guy listening, listen to Grant.

Be that guy, okay? All right, so two-year-old of your own, three-year-old of your own, two-year-old coming in with a fiancée, is that right? Two-year-old of my own, three-year-old coming in with a fiancée, both girls. Okay. 26, what do you do for a living, man? I work in aviation, so I manage, like, ground handling of, like, aircraft. Oh, so you, like, know how to do a thing, unlike me, who just runs his mouth for a living. That's pretty awesome. Okay.

So, tell me what happened in with, um, baby mama with the mother of your daughter. Man, you want, you want the whole story

or do you want the short story? Give me the, uh, short one. Uh, so I met her in college. I was going to college. met her,

we dated for five years. Um, we had an abortion, um, kind of dark part of my life. And when I tried to end things, I ended up having a baby. And so I tried to kind of make things work. You end relationships way different than I used to, but go ahead. Yeah, yeah. A little bit of a surprise. But anyway, so it was a pretty traumatic part of my life, kind of stressful part of my life, but

so anyways, my daughter came into the world, tried to make things work, and I just realized, you know, at the end of the day, me marrying somebody that I'm not happy with is way worse than, you know, being the best dad I can be to her and us not being married. So I see her a couple times a week. I have a pretty good relationship with her mom. Not the best at times. She's somebody that kind of struggles with some mental maybe instability. She's had her own past.

But I have a good relationship, not a great relationship. Like I said, I'd like it to be better, but a good relationship with her. Um, yeah. And tell me why you're getting married to this new woman. Um, so she just, she's everything I could hope for in a partner. Um, I think the thing, you know, my parents always told me growing up is, oh, when you meet the right person, you know, you'll just know that they're the right person. And I didn't really believe that, to be honest. And this woman came into my life, and everything just, she's so easy to get along with.

She's a Christian. She shares the same views as me, the same morals as me. She grew up a pretty much identical, you know, family life with married parents and just siblings, and she has two siblings, and I have two siblings, and we just really get along. Of all the stress in my day managing people, being around loud airplanes and everything else, I come home to her, and it's easy. It's not easy having a three-year-old, but, you know, it's, it's, um, she just, she makes me be the best version of me that I can be. Cool. Oh.

So do you, are you still have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah, I do. Um, having, having, you know, having a baby out of wedlock, um, my mom reminds me constantly about how I sinned. Um, so I'm telling you right now, no, you don't have a good relationship with your parents. Yeah. Not, not as, not as great as I would hope. Um, no, Hey you don't have a good relationship with your parents. Yeah, not as great as I would hope. No, hey, that's not a good relationship with your parents. Well, maybe your old man, but geez louise.

Okay. All right, so how do you be the best dad you can be, right? Right. And so here's why I asked you those questions. I want to paint a picture because every dad's a little bit different, and every dad's bringing different bricks in their backpack to this wild adventure of parenting, okay? And every dad has got different things on the table.

There's some things that we all need to be doing in common, and there's some things that are going to be very specific to each one of us, okay? So I'm going to rattle a bunch of stuff off here as I go, okay? And you can either write this down, or you can just keep this podcast forever or go onto the YouTube internets and cut and paste it and hold on to it, okay? Okay.

Here's number one. You've got to love your new wife. You have to model it. You have to love her like crazy. Okay? This relationship is about you and your new wife. This relationship is about y'all coming together and being in love and all that fun stuff.

And it's also modeling for these two young baby girls what it looks like to be treated by somebody who loves you. Okay? Okay. So you'll be a walking college course to your baby girls on this is what love looks like, this is what I deserve, this is what somebody who says the words I love you, this is what they do. So you have to go out of your way to love that

woman like crazy. Okay. My guess is by the way, your mom talks to you and the challenges you've had in the past, you're going to need some skills, some new skills. That's not a bad thing. I don't know many guys who don't need new skills when they enter into relationships, okay? We'll talk about that in a second. So number two is never, ever, ever talk bad about the mother of your girl. Don't ever talk bad about the ex-husband, ex-the father of what's soon to be, you know, your fiance's baby girl and your baby girl number two, okay? You're modeling, here's what relationships look like, here's what reconciliation looks like,

here's what people who have had challenges in the past, here's how they treat each other with dignity and respect. Count on problems over the years. Count on there to be struggles, there to be custody issues, count on all of that. Decide before you get married, decide before you take on another daughter into your world, I'm going to be this type of person. I'm not going to go to war. I'm not going to yell. I'm going to do what's right, right? And I'm going to, if there's injustice, I'm going to be right there in the middle of it, but I'm going to do it with dignity. I'm going to do it with respect, right? Number three, say I love you every single solitary day of these young girls' lives and hold their face and say it into their eyeballs so they can see you, okay? There will be days when they don't want to hear it. They're going to be like, no, dad, Matt.

They're going to say, I don't care. You will hear the words out of my mouth every day that I love you. Right? High touch. High touch. And here's a key. And I got a five-year-old daughter, and so I'm wrestling with this right now, and it's hard for me, but I think I'm getting it right. And that is this.

And sometimes my wife has to say, I'm like, I knew it. Okay. It's this. It's really high touch with autonomy. What does that mean? That means I want my daughter to know that I love her more than anything. And I also want her to know, I want to teach her at a young age that she is in control of her body. What does that mean on the ground?

That means I might say, hey, come give your daddy a hug. And she'll say, no daddy, because she's being silly. Or no daddy, I don't want to hug you. I can then say, I told you to come give me a hug. Or I can run over there and grab her and force her to. What am I telling her? That at some point, some guy who's bigger and stronger can say, no, you will love me, and it will look like this. And I ultimately, because I have bigger, stronger muscles, I'm in control of your body. And I don't want her to ever feel that. So I'm teaching her at a young age, she's in control of her body. I'm not going to weaponize my love.

I say, hey, baby, come snuggle with dad. And she says, no, I want to sit over here. From that point forward, it's about me. I want her to come snuggle with me. She doesn't want to. I got to go. Cool. Hope you're having fun over there on that side of the couch.

And I'm going to go about watching my show because I'm not going to get into it, right? But it's about high touch with autonomy. And what I'll tell you is, saying I love you every day, they can be tough and silly. But, man, when it comes to bedtime, when it comes to quiet time, when it comes to reading stories, and we read stories to our kids every single night of the week, man, that touch comes, man. They crave it. They just want to fall into it. And so it's letting it happen naturally.

Sometimes I got to go to bed and be like, well, my daughter hates me. She doesn't. She's being five, right? Get on the floor and wrestle with these little girls. Let them know that you care about them. Act interested in dragons and ponies and baby dolls and frogs and trucks and hammers. Whatever the thing is, make that the most exciting, important thing when you're down on the ground with them. Don't go down there with your cell phone, right? Take care of yourself. eat right, exercise, have friends, model what friendship looks like. Last two things. Are you

ready? Yep. Be really slow with advice and really long on presence. Most dads love to love their daughters by telling them info. Well, you know what you should do is this. I would, if I was you, I would go do this thing. Oh, you need to tell that teacher, that guy. Oh man, most of us, our daughters are really, really, really smart and intuitive. What they really need is us to get down on a knee and look them in the eye and say, I love you and I'm so sorry that happened. That stinks. Or, oh my goodness, I can't wait to see that dragon. Come show it to me again. Or sure, I'll put my phone down and read you this

book right here in the middle of the living room floor. Let's just do it right here. That tells a young girl, I matter. I've got value. My daddy loves me. And the last thing is this, often guys, dads, they will be great fathers. They'll do their best. They'll plug in and then they'll go work on their car. Then they'll go get the oil changed. Then they'll go to the bank. They'll go do these other things that unfortunately have been gendered and domesticated, right? This is what guys do and this is what girls do.

As many places you can possibly take those two girls, take them with you. Take them to help you make them get out of the car with you. If you're going to go play catch, bring them along with you. If you're going to a buddy's house to help mow the lawn, bring them along with you. Let them be involved in the day-to-day rhythms of your life. No matter how quote-unquote boy of a job it is. I just hate all that crap. Bring them along with you. Bring them hunting. Bring them fishing.

Bring them everywhere with you. If you play Call of Duty, just stop playing video games. But other than that, bring them with you, right? I don't. There you go. You're my man, Grant. Bring them with you and just set up your life to where your buddies know, hey, when I go out, my daughters will come with me because I love them and they're awesome and they're rad.

And they will get to watch dad, have friends, will get to watch who dad really is. And that will shapeshift everything about their life. And then the last, last, last thing. I already said the last thing. I got one more thing. Okay. How bold do you want to be, brother? How good of a dad do you want to be?

Bold and courageous. All right. Bold. I want you to go see a counselor for your trauma. I want you to go see somebody. Have you? Well, so I wanted to, it's kind of a side note. So I did see a counselor through the, you know, the traumatic stuff with my baby mama.

But I just, you had said a while back, you know, universities have, you know, counselors and trainees reach out to you, practice from labs, whatever. So I reached out beginning of the year and they paired me up with this guy. And the first counselor I had was a girl, but they paired me up with this, the one I had a couple of years ago.

But the student one that I have is a guy and I met with him yesterday for the first time in person because I got my COVID shot and they're letting us like meet face to face. And so anyways, um, I just, I don't know. I don't really seem to click with him. Um, and I just, I don't know. Do I keep going to him, Dr.

John, or do I just stop it now? I usually recommend folks go two or three times. And if you don't click, you don't click and then you move on. Don't judge him by how tall he is or how much hair he's got or how high or low his voice is or anything like that. Be as vulnerable as you can.

Be open and vulnerable. Tell the truth, the whole truth, all of it. Even with me just now, I'm not calling you a liar. I'm saying like, hey, how's your relationship with your parents? They're great. My mom reminds me what a failure I am, right? So be honest about your past, your childhood,

the stuff your parents expected of you, the way they still beat you up even though you're 26 with almost two kids. All those things, be honest in these sessions. Give this – Well, John, one thing that he said was, you know, I went and saw this counselor for two years, and I never really, like, I couldn't even tell you, I don't know what her husband's name was, you know, like,

and obviously it's, I'm not there to be friends like you talk about, but, you know, I said, I'd like to know a little bit more about you because, you know, he's like 28, 29. I said, where are you from? You know, where'd you go to, where'd you get your undergrad? And like, he said, well, you're making me uncomfortable, Grant. And like, why are you asking me this? And, and I understand where he's coming from. Like, you know, they obviously got to protect yourself as a professional,

but on the flip side, I said, well, I want to be able to relate to you. I feel like, you know, I listen to you every week. Like I relate to you.

Or do you think that's irrelevant, John? Like, yeah, I think my guess is that's a, go in there to get some help and not to build bridges. Okay. Yeah, counselors are trained not to make it about them.

And usually when somebody starts digging into their past, where did you go to school? Why are you doing this? Where are you from? How many kids do you have? That's usually about the patient, the clients, trying to do some distancing, trying to get some things there, take some ownership of that relationship. Man, you're in there to learn some skills and to get well. The relationship matters for sure, but I wouldn't go in there asking a bunch of questions. I'd go in there ready to go. Go in there ready to go. Trust this person wouldn't be in there asking a bunch of questions, I'd go in there ready to go, okay? Go in there ready to go.

Trust this person wouldn't be in there if they didn't know what they were doing. And if you get in and you just don't feel comfortable, man, ask for another therapist. It's simple. This is about you. You're not in there to make a therapist feel good about themselves. They're grown up big boys and girls.

If a client says, I don't want to work with you because I'm not feeling a connection, sweet, we're moving on to the next thing. Same thing here. You go find somebody that you're connected to. Okay. Make that a priority, but yeah, don't go in there asking a bunch of questions about their family and things like that. It doesn't matter. It's not relevant. You think that's going to help you build a relationship. It's not, it's a stalling technique. It's a punting technique for you to make sure

you've got control of that situation. Part of counseling is going there and being vulnerable. And I'm just going to lay it all out here in a safe space this person said they're not going to judge me this person's going to walk alongside me go in there and just put it all down okay go in there and put it all down um grant the fact that you're asking these questions tells me you're going to be a good guy a good dad go in there ready to rock and roll keep this little video clip with you tell those girls you love them be connected to them and above all else do your work on yourself and love love love their mom show that mom that you love her every day all right so i get a question with some regularity

about the meditation the box breathing thing so um i got the box breathing from Mark Devine. He's a Navy SEAL. He's got an awesome podcast too, if you want to check it out. He is a Navy SEAL trainer, I think. I think he trains future Navy SEALs. He's just smart and he's awesome. So here's how the box breathing works. And we'll just do it really quick here on the show. It works like this. When you get stressed, when you feel your heart rate taking off on you, when you feel your stomach drop, when you've got to go do something hard, you have to give a speech in a class, you've got to study, you've got to go have this hard conversation,

admit something to your wife that you've been holding back on a long time, a way to reset your physiology almost instantaneously is this. Box breathing, you breathe up for four, you hold it for four, you exhale for four, you hold it for four. That's it. We can do it real quick right here. Ready? I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Here we go. Up. Hold it. Exhale. Two, three, four. Hold it. And you do it again. Do that 10 times and your entire body goes whoosh. If you learn to do it while you're walking, it's even better. It's become part of my rhythm when I'm going for a walk. I just do box breathing while I'm walking. And you get to where you can hold your breath for six counts, 10 counts, 15 counts. You just begin to build up a reservoir of peace. And what happens over time is you start to get control of your breath. You get control of your

heart rate starting to take off on you. You control of your head when you're gasping for air when you're on 10 or 11 you're running out of air you get to learn how to just calm your body down when it's screaming at you so box breathing is just a quick technique it's simple, it's something I use all the time almost probably on a daily basis and it's just become part of my natural rhythm for getting in and out of a day. So that's it for that.

All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Elizabeth in Morgantown, West Virginia. Elizabeth, what's going on? Hi, thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's going on? Well, I am a mother of two adopted kids, three and six. You are, hey, let's pause two adopted kids, three and six.

Let's pause right there. You're in it. Yep. You're super in it, right? Yep. Open or closed adoptions? Closed. Okay.

So you're super, super, super in it. Are you married? Yes. Okay. And ever since we adopted these girls, they came into our lives. My husband and I have not been intimate, so I feel like we're roommates. Okay. And then I'm a teacher also. So with COVID and everything, my job duties have doubled.

So I kind of feel stressed and frustrated with everything and everyone. And I find myself yelling at my girls. And I just don't know how to be the Christian mother and wife that I want to be in my situation. That sucks. I'm sorry. I hate all that for you. I know it's exhausting, man. Being on an island by yourself sucks and I'm sorry. When did the girls come home? Did they come together? No, yeah. They're siblings. They came

at the same time. How long have they come together? No, yeah, they're siblings. They came at the same time. How long have they been there? Three years now. So you and your husband haven't slept together for three years? No. Tell me about that. What was that off switch that happened when you brought the girls home? Honestly, I don't know. I asked my husband

about it and he said, well, I've got two little ones in the house or, yeah, we're so tired. And, you know, that's basically about the gist of it, you know? What was your relationship like before you brought these kids home? I'd say it was, it was pretty good. Um, you know, I mean, I, uh, was a stepmother to two sons and then they grew up and left the house. And, um, so I don't know, um, conflicts with, uh with how he disciplined them, but since he was their biological, you know, father, he did, you know, basically guess our relationship is fine. We have a lot of agreements on things like spiritual beliefs, and we enjoy reading, but we don't have a lot in common other than that, I guess. How old are you?

How old am I? Fifty-two. Fifty-two? And my husband's 61. 61? Okay. Mm-hmm. Have y'all, the pursuits you talked about were all cognitive.

They're all informational. We like to put information into the front of our brains together. Other than that, we don't have a lot. And what I'll tell you is other people who share the joy of shoving information into the front of their brains are professional colleagues and, like you mentioned, roommates and people who sit next to each other in college classes, right? Not husbands and wives, right? Have you all ever gone to see somebody? We did, and he basically said, well, you know, it's really you that needs to see a counselor, and so I just automatically stopped it.

So you and your husband went and saw a counselor, and then he, after seeing a counselor, he looked at you and said, you're the one with the problems? Pretty much, yeah. Okay. Like, you're the one that needs to go to counseling, and I just, I said, okay, so we're not going, because if we don't, if two people, you know, aren't in agreement with needing counseling, it's not going to gonna help so yeah you can't go three years without having sex in your marriage particularly if one of you is dying on the vine i'm i'm yeah i'm telling you something you don't know right you know this um the way you keep yourself staved off from burnout the way you keep yourself engaged relationally the way you keep your heart and mind tethered in is when you are fully connected

when you are fully known when you're intimate with somebody intimacy doesn't always have to be sex sex. Okay. But intimate can be, we turn all the sound off in the house and we sit down and talk to one another every single night and we hold hands every single day. And yeah, sexual intimacy is a big part of that. And we, I wake up every day with the desire, how can I make his life better? What are ways that I can show up for what he needs? And he wakes up with that same thought about you, right? And if you don't have that man, you end up being untethered with everything you try to do. And you throw on top of that two adopted baby girls who are adjusting to all the trauma they've experienced and they are all over your house i can't even imagine i'm younger

than you and i've got a five-year-old and every day i think i'm gonna sleep the rest of my life starting right now right i can't imagine how tired you guys are at the same time that connection and that intimacy is what fuels that everything does that make sense yeah um so here's where i'm going to disagree with you if your husband's not willing to go get well he's got some challenges okay there's something happened of some sort of what i would call major significance that you brought home these two girls and a switch flipped off in your home. And I'd have to spend some time with you both directly to really root that out. And that's not my job here. But there's, man, this just reeks of major trauma somewhere.

This reeks of something major. Has there ever been infidelity in your home? No. Does your husband have a history of abuse? No. Do you? No, I don't hit him, no. No, no, no, not each other.

Have people ever hurt you in y'all's past? No. Okay. Man, there is something else here, and it will exceed the scope of this of this radio show here's where i'm going to disagree with you on i'm going to challenge you okay um at the end of the day you can't make him do anything right right what you can do is learn some new skills work on you and so i think that in this situation, I can't recommend more than enough. If I'm you, I would be on the call, on the phone today going to see somebody.

I'd be on the phone today reaching out saying, I'm going to see somebody. I'm literally suffocating from loneliness. Let a therapist know I am truly interested in being intimate with my husband and we haven't slept together in three years. I've got two adopted young girls that are driving us all ragged and I've got to be well and whole and start working on yourself. That's the best you can do. Five years from now, you're going to be five years later, right? So you're 52, you're going to be 57 anyway. You can be 57 and have an 11 year old and what a seven year old and be further exhausted and further withered out on that vine. Or you can learn some more things about yourself. You can

learn some new skills. You can at some point possibly model for your husband what it looks like and he's going to want to join you or he may just opt out he may just flat opt out but your marriage is on life support right now you need one another in a significant major way there's some other stuff here like i keep saying um and you need to take the first step because what else? You got to take the first step. Yeah, Elizabeth, you got to go, go, go, go. When it comes to being a teacher and all that, there's a lot of resources. All of these resources stacked on top of a foundation

of a home marriage that's got such a crack in it as yours does isn't going to help. So go get yourself whole. Go get yourself well. Start learning new things. Process this as a trauma that it is and then be about, hey, how do I deal with burnout at work?

How do I become a better mom to these kids, etc.? I'm heartbroken for you. I hate it for you. I hate it for you, Elizabeth. Go today and make that call. Go today. All right, so if we end today's show, let's see here.

Let's go with... You know what? We're going to go with this song. I used to drive around my hometown in Houston, Texas and listen to this tape. And I would feel this song. I would feel it. I would turn up so loud. I'm probably still deaf from that. I would listen to it and listen to it. And there's some

screaming parts where he just feels it. And I'd be like, yeah. And then for this show, I was thinking of songs that I used to love as a kid. And I printed out the lyrics. I wasn't singing these lyrics. I don't even know where these come from. I don't know what I was saying, but not this, not this. And so now I feel like all of my childhood was a lie because I don't know what happened, but I thought the song was way longer. It's a really long song and it's all into, I missed it here we go the greatest song of all time and this guy's emerged from the new metal music and man they're incredible i saw him live once man it was an experience it was a spiritual experience it was incredible for off their 1997 around the fur record the deftones yeah you that's what i'm talking about the deft oh you were telling me to look

somewhere else i thought you were cheering you were telling me to look somewhere else i thought you were cheering you were pointing i thought zach the video extraordinaire back there was like yeah he was pointing over here thanks man the song is called be quiet and drive far away he sings this town don't feel mine i'm fast to get away. Far. I dressed you in her clothes. Now drive me far away. It feels good to know you're mine. Now drive me far away. Far away. I don't care where, just far. I don't care where, just far. That's the whole song. I don't know what I was singing in my childhood. It wasn't that. Such is life, my friends. Such is life.

Thank you for joining us. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.