The Dr. John Delony Show - Anxiety About Death, Dealing with Infidelity, & Recovering from COVID

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 6:22: My mom died at 41 and I have anxiety as I get closer to 41. 21:01: My wife was seeing another man. We have tried to work on our marriage but she doesn’t seem like she is interested. How do I change her mind? 37:36: I recently recovered from COVID. How do I get over the mental part? 52:37: Lyrics of the Day: [redacted to protect John's dignity] tags: sickness/illness, fear, anxiety, family, infidelity, marriage, parenting, fitness/physical health These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, on today's show, we're going to talk to a young woman whose mom tragically passed away when she was young. And as she approaches her mom's age, she's starting to become more anxious and more anxious. We're going to talk to a great dad whose wife had an affair and is not interested in keeping the marriage going. And he wants to know what to do next. And we're going to talk to an awesome young woman who is recovering from a rough bout of COVID, who just wants to know, how can I turn my anxiety alarms off and what can I do next? Stay tuned.

Hey, what's up? What's up? This is Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your life, your relationships, schools, marriages, parents, your mental health, your depression, your anxiety, your ADHD, your bipolar disorder, how you're going to love better, how you are going to deal with people you are frustrated with. On this show, we talk about all of it, and it's your calls.

It's your emails. It's your notes. And here's the thing. I'm not immune to this. I am walking alongside you, man. So whatever's going on in your life, whatever's going on in your heart, in your mind, in your home, in your schools, in your neighborhood, in your country, geez louise, give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash show and you fill out the form. It goes right to Kelly and she will go through it and see if you are a great fit for the show. So we've got a new segment today and it's a a one-time segment, just for today. And it's where I tell you that I did something that I got on this show and said,

never ever do. And here's the consequences. So if you're watching this on the YouTubes, that's one of those internet TV shows that people with camcorders can now make. You can see I've got these permanent scars on my arm all up and down my arm here you may be blinded by my incredible tan if you're watching this but beneath that glare that's that's coming off my skin is forever scars down my arm and here's why um during christmas break me and my son were clearing some brush out at the house that sounds way cooler than it really is in your mind i know you immediately thought i had like this red filson outfit on and a matching carhartt jacket and a cool hat i didn't we look like i look like an

idiot my son looks good and we're clearing brush cutting down just junk and shenanigans and i got covered up in poison ivy which is not a thing in january except in the south it super is and so i'm covered up in poison ivy and what did i do you know i did i asked my wife hey um i've had this before here's what i did and she's like yeah that's a good idea which is to get some like calamine lotion put it on there and just ride it out but I did something even better I did something that I got on this podcast and said

I hate it when people do this and I thought you know I hate it so much I think I'm going to do it I got on the internet and looked up remedies for poison ivy and then i ended up with oh i wonder with i can use all of these voodoo magic dragon encrusted um essential oils which by the way can cure cancer it solves math problems it can bring um fairy dust, it can do anything. It's actually bringing the

polar ice caps are refreezing due to essential oils. Those things can do anything. And I thought, man, I bet if I Google essential oils and poison ivy. So what I did, and you essential oil wizards out there are going to groan at this, but I covered myself day after day with straight oregano oil. Because oregano oil will solve everything. And evidently in the essential oil world, oregano oil is basically turpentine. It's gasoline. And I poured it on my flesh. And then Christmas night, or Christmas Eve Eve night which I spent in the ER by

the way and I don't even go to the doctor I'm in doctor years I did that night because I was taking a shower and big chunks of my body started coming out it was coming off as I was showering and I remember thinking oh that doesn't look good and so I got a shower and I showed my wife and I said hey I know I'm prone to drama she knew what she married we dated a long time but I said I'm going to show you this it doesn't look great and I showed it to her and she without even breaking she said we're going to the hospital right now and I was like it's not and it was bleeding all that but I mean chunks not just skin was coming off parts of my body were coming off so I went to a rural ER in the middle of the night and to his credit the doctor walked in he goes all right I just want. So I went to a rural ER in the middle of the night, and to his credit, the doctor

walked in and he goes, alright, I just want to be honest with you guys. It is Christmas Eve, and I'm in a rural ER. I just want you to know what kind of doctor I probably am. And we all had a good laugh about it, and then I had to go back with the healing, but I'm going to be scarred for the rest of my life. Moral of that

story, number one, this is my confession. I did what I said with the healing. But I'm going to be scarred for the rest of my life. Moral of that story. Number one. This is my confession. I did what I said don't do. Don't go on the internet and look for health advice. I know it's so cool to be like, oh, you know what? They're so smart. They're edgy and cool. And if you just eat pork rinds and frogs, you're going to get ripped.

Stupid. It's dumb. It's dumb. Talk to doctors or people with degrees who know what they're talking about when it comes to medical advice. Not. It's dumb. It's dumb. Talk to doctors or people with degrees who know what they're talking about when it comes to medical advice. Not voodoo people who are going to tell you to put essential oils all over your body.

And number two, if you do something that you tell everybody not to do, you've got to be woman enough or man enough to admit it. So this is me telling you I'm an idiot and I did what I said I wasn't going to do. Don't put oregano oil on skin burns

because evidently chunks of your body will fall off. Alright, that's it. That's my usher moment of the day. We're going to go straight to the calls. We're not going straight to the calls. We're going to the calls after I just ran my mouth for five minutes. Let's go to Stephanie in Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

Stephanie. Hi. What's going? Hey, you're at Pine Bluff. You know about Poison Ivy, right? I do. I've had it before. Did you douse yourself in essential oils and have to go to the ER?

No, I did have to go to the doctor and Calamine lotion, all of that. I know. In bed for a few days. See, you're my Stephanie, we are brother and sister. You just made my heart feel good. If you're from Canada or the Northeast and you're like, what's poison ivy? Hmm, on you. Okay, Stephanie, what's up?

How can I help? Okay, so when I was 12 years old, my mom passed away of colon cancer. Oh, man. How old are you now? I'm 33 now. Okay. And she was 41 when she passed away. Oh, that sucks.

I'm sorry, Stephanie. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. So from the date of her diagnosis to the date of her death was only 16 days. We weren't prepared. Whoa. No. Yeah. to the date of her death was only 16 days. We weren't prepared. No. Yeah.

And it was just really fast and very shocking to everybody. But I'm 33 now, and I'm married, and I have two kids, and life is good. But the closer that I get to 41, I just dread it. And I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I know I have eight more years, but I dread 41. I have like a mental block about it and just want to know how maybe I could work through that for myself and for my family. Yeah. So how old are your kids? I have a six-year-old daughter and a three-year-old little boy. Okay. So as much as you turning 41, keep an eye out for the older that your kids get.

Yeah. Because you've got a 12-year-old girl in there that is just hunkered down, holding the fort down, right? Right. Yeah. All right. So tell me about your mom. She's awesome. Yeah. We were— I can hear you smiling through the phone, by the way, when you just said that.

Tell me about her. Yeah, she was awesome. She was a wonderful mom. I mean, up until when she got sick, she still did my hair every day. We picked my clothes out every day. We went to the grocery store together every week, helped her cook most nights. Every weekend, we're in the kitchen making desserts and her famous chocolate cake. She was just very loving, lots of physical touch.

She was just like a perfect mom, huh? Yeah, she was awesome. Oh, man. So tell me about your dad. And he's great, too. He really stepped up when she passed away. I mean, he never dated. He never remarried.

He still wears his wedding band to this day. Wow. Yeah. I mean, he committed his life to my older brother and myself once she passed away. I don't know if he was already committed, but even more so. Wow. Wow. He just stepped in the gaps and tried to be mom and dad.

Yeah. So what is this dread? What does it feel like I don't want to leave my family like she left us I know the hole that was left after she passed away and I dread that for my husband and for my kids because that hurt is still there of course yeah yeah um when you you just gave me a thought, how does it feel? You're driving down the street and you are, you know, a few, you're getting closer, right, to that 41, and you feel it. What does it feel like? Yeah, that gets that warmth in your stomach?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then tell me the thoughts that are going through your head. Oh, gosh, just that I just don't want to leave. I don't want to leave them because I love the life that we're building. Of course, yeah. I don't want them to feel the hurt that I felt and that my dad felt and that my brother felt. I don't want my family to feel that.

How did you grieve her loss? I mean, and again, even if you knew it was coming, you can't, there is no process for a 12-year-old, right? Right, right. Especially with a wonderful, loving mom that was plugged in and all of a sudden just vanishes. How did you grieve that loss? How have you grieved it over the years? I was very angry at first, of course. I became extremely independent because she did so much for me.

I became independent, and I'm still very independent to this day. But I feel like I grieved it well. I never did counseling, even though my dad kind of offered it to me. And I was like, oh, no, that's not for me. Looking back, I probably should have. But I can't. You know, I'm going to answer you there, but I'm also going to speak to everybody. There's this idea that every time there's a tragedy, everyone's got to run to a counselor.

Right. everyone's got to run to a counselor and one of the one of the um trauma counseling phrases that we live by is most people are okay most of the time that doesn't mean that they're going to be perfect they're not going to have permanent scars obviously you will forever this is an extraordinary woman that just got ganged from you right the cosmos just took her from you um but that doesn't mean you have to go run, spend the next five years with a therapist, right? So, if you felt great and you still feel strong there, good for you, okay?

I don't want you to feel like you screwed something up and should have done something that now is setting you on a poor trajectory somewhere, right? Yeah, right. So, you didn't go see a counselor. You had friends, family, community around you? Yes. Oh, yes. Lots of you had friends, family, community around you? Oh, yes. Lots of my best friends, their mothers stepped up and helped me get through the teenage years. And yeah, I really jumped into church and had a great community of people around

me and still do. Yeah. So here's, you're in a pretty unique spot. So have you ever heard of ACEs, Adverse Childhood Experiences? No. If you haven't, there's, it's a remarkable, it's basically a new direction that just talks about childhood trauma can set us up down the road for increases in things that we would never expect, like stroke and cancer and heart disease and obesity, things like that, that up until just recently,

we haven't connected. We've been chasing biological interest, and we never thought that the inflammation spun out from those traumas, especially cumulative traumas, can send us down these hard, hard health paths, right? And one of the cornerstones of this research is that one of the most important things that can help a kid who's experienced a robust, dark trauma like you did is a buffering adult, people, community that step in those gaps that are there for kids it can't take the hurt away.

Nothing will take that hurt away. But we'll help a kid get to the next day and to the next day and to the next day, and they don't lose that ability to learn how to connect. And so you know this, but wow, I just want to call it out. What an absolute gift your old man was. What a gift those men and women who stepped in the gap and the teachers and the coaches and just the folks who probably showed up with meals all through your childhood. And it may have been a blessing, but you didn't have to deal with also the hard stuff of getting

to know a stepmom and watching your dad fall in love with somebody. You didn't experience that. And that's not always a bad thing. Sometimes that's a wonderful thing. But wow, what a great moment that brings us to right now. Okay, a great life that brings us to right now. Here's what your brain is doing. It is just scanning the environment for ways and things that you are going to be taking from your family, right?

You get that pain. It does not want you to be the person who inflicts that pain on the people around you. Do you go to the doctor regularly? Now that when you have colon cancer, obviously every time you ever go to the doctor, they ask you about it. Have you been screened? Are you healthy? Are you good?

Yes, I've been screened. I've had a colonoscopy. I had that last year, and I'll have another one every other year at this point. Yeah, I've had genetic testing to see if I have any cancer genes, because both of my grandmothers had cancer as well, and I don't carry any cancer genes right now, of course, unless I get something from the environment. So here's the magic, Stephanie. You're not going to get cancer at 41. Yeah. You're not. Does that mean you're bulletproof?

No. Does that mean a bus may not come along? No. Right? Does that mean that a meteorite bulletproof? No. Does that mean a bus may not come along? No. Right. Right? Does that mean that a meteorite might fall? No. But you're not going to get cancer.

And I'm telling you that out loud for this because our trauma alarms, our anxiety alarms don't always follow math, right? They don't always follow facts. And so what I want you to commit to over the next five to six years is two things. Number one, you have a ringside seat to the value of every day that most of us waltzing through life don't have. And sometimes that insight can be seen as a burden or you can work really hard to acknowledge it as the gift that it is. And you go to sleep tired every day because you suck the life out of that day, right? And so I want you to, it sounds like you're on that trajectory. You've got a beautiful family. You've got people who love and care about you. And you

are so thoughtful about the people around. You're not even telling me I'm scared I'm going to die. That's not your words. Your words are, I'm scared the people that I love are going to be hurt. You are a special, rare-air woman, Stephanie, and they need to keep your DNA and replicate you because we need more of you in this world. But number one, continue on that checking every day for how can I drain this day for the joy, drain this day for the experiences and the adventures, and drain every drop of love and connection I can out of that day, right? Number two, obviously keep yourself well. And I said I had two things. I got three.

Obviously do the things you need to do to keep yourself well. It's, man, I have talked to so, so, so many people over the years who have somebody who's got heart disease in their family or cancer or anxiety or depression and their response is to bury their head or to drink it away or to sleep with somebody else and somebody else and somebody else and somebody else and somebody else away, right? To do anything to numb it and you're not. You're facing that demon head on. You're getting colonoscopies every year, which are just a barrel. It's a circus, right? Everyone loves a colonoscopy every other year. Right. And so you're facing it head on.

You're a true, true gangster. And the third thing is this. When those thoughts start spinning, I want you to speak out loud affirmatively. No, thank you. I'm healthy, and I'm going to be here when I'm 41. Okay. And what I want you to start doing is speaking out loud, and I'm going to be here when I'm 41. Okay. And what I want you to start doing is speaking out loud, and people are going to think you're nuts. Now, don't do it in a Target.

They'll call somebody. But when you're driving, right, or you're laying in bed, and you just have had an extraordinary day with your kids and your husband, and your stomach starts getting that warmth, like, oh, what if I'm not here? That's when I want you to whisper to yourself, no. I'm not going to get cancer. I want you to smile big, and I want you to whisper to yourself, no. I'm not going to get cancer. I want you to smile big, and I want you to take a big, deep breath. I'm not. I'm not going to get cancer because you know that's the truth.

And if the thoughts start spinning and they come quicker and more, I want you to step up, get out a piece of paper, and write them down. And I want you to demand evidence from those thoughts. Am I going to get colon cancer at 41 and leave my family? No. Did the unthinkable happen to me as a 12-year-old girl? Yeah, it sucks. Am I going to continue, continue to love these crazy people? Because the end of the road is the same for all of us, right? For you, it's going to be 94. But for all of us, we have the same road. And so, man, we're going to just continue. We're going to drain life of all of its adventures and joy. But I want you to write those thoughts down when they become heavy, heavy, and heavy.

And I want you to make sure you commit to staying vulnerable with people, staying open with people. My guess is the alarms will get louder the closer you get to 41. The closer your daughter or your son gets to 12, it's going to get louder and louder. And if it gets loud to where you can't function, to where when your kid goes to school, you find yourself where you're crying, where you find yourself being unreasonably over the top. Like you can't go outside because I don't want – when you have those moments or every headache, you think, oh, this is it, and your heart starts racing. You go straight to the internets. Don't do that, by the way. That's when you may need to go step in and see somebody now.

You didn't need to see someone as a counselor. You had great buffering adults. Maybe now that you're older and you're heading into a season, you're going to have to have a season of practice to learn some adult skills, right? Some adult control over your thoughts and actions. And that's just a skill to practice. That's totally normal. We should all be doing that. And that's just a skill to practice. That's totally normal. We should all be doing that. And you've got some extra special reasons. But my guess is you're going to have those fleeting moments, those heavy moments,

but you're well, Stephanie. And you're not broken. You're not sad if your body and your brain remembers a trauma that heavy. That means you're normal. That means your body's working great. That means you're still a great mom and a great wife to your husband. That means everything's plugging along. That means you're just not going to forget that wonderful, wonderful woman. She's just not going to evaporate into the mist, right?

Thank you so, so much for that call, Stephanie. As you get closer, if you, you know, there's the chance that Dave fires me, Dave Ramsey fires me in the next four or five years, strong to quite strong. Let's be honest. I'm not super good at this show, but if we're both still around when you turn 41, please call me back. Cause I would love to hear how you are navigating that.

I know you're gonna be doing it well. And the people around you are going to be loving you, loving you, loving you, man. The world needs more Stephanie's. All right, let's go to Jeremiah in Los Angeles, California. What's up brother Jeremiah. How are we doing? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing, sir? I'm doing All right, let's go to Jeremiah in Los Angeles, California. What's up, brother Jeremiah? How are we doing? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing, sir?

I'm doing all right, brother. How are we doing? Oh, you know, it's one of those days. It's a good day today. So, you know, that's all I can say about that. That sounds ominous, man. But that could mean a lot of things, somebody calling from Los Angeles. So what's going on?

How can I help? So I'll just get straight to the point. I've been with my wife for 14 years, 12 married. Found out last year that she was kind of having an affair with somebody at our local gym here. Hey, can I stop you right there? Yeah, sure. What does kind of having an affair mean? Well, I guess to me, I mean, I'm thinking of it as like a physical or uh more of a uh emotional than a physical so i just say kinda okay don't say if it was a violation of y'all's boundaries don't say kinda let's just call it what it is okay yeah yes okay she has she was

having an affair okay with a with a guy at the gym and uh it was probably you know going on for about six months i kind of had an inkling to it you know before before i found out officially but i mean it was just kind of in the back of my head um but officially found out last year for sure that it was going on and so it's been a year since then when i found out and just things right now are rocky um you know we, we're trying to work it out. Well, I guess I'm trying to work it out, but really it's, it seems like a one-way street with us. Um, you know, I'm trying, trying everything here and then, you know, I've never reached out to anybody else besides, you know, my brother, family, stuff like that. But, uh, you

know, I saw your program on YouTube and, you know, I was listening to it. I was like, you know what, I'm going to reach out to Dr. John and that's where, that's where we're at. I appreciate your trust, brother. Um, and it's just important to acknowledge. I know we hear about this all the time, all the time, all the time, but this sucks, man. I'm sorry this happened to you, man. No, thank you. I appreciate it. Um, so when you and your wife sat down and talked about this, I don't know if you saw text messages or you saw she was sending him photos or something like that. You find out, then you sit down and have the conversation. What was the conversation like?

So the conversation was, I found out at work with the text messages actually from the guy's wife that she was seeing. So I got the text messages. I I'm thinking in the back of my head, like, no, this is, this is fake. You know, I didn't know the number. I'm just putting it, put everything behind me. I'm like, nah, that's not real. And then they sent the text messages back and forth and I'm just like, oh my gosh, my world just crashed. Yeah, dude. So you talked to your wife, you talked to your wife. How does that go, man? Of course. Yeah. Your heart's broken. You don't even know what day it is, right? You're not eating. Yeah.

How'd that conversation go? For the most part, I mean, I came home early that day, and I took her by the hand, and my daughter was in the room. So I said, you know, let's go to the back. I got to ask you something. And, you know, I was real level-headed, cool. I wasn't angry or anything. I wanted to just, you know, hear it from her. Like, is this for real? Like, I mean, I showed her the text messages and everything. And you know, like I told you before, I kind of had an inkling. So when I saw those, I just was like,

oh my God, oh my goodness. You know, like, I can't believe this right now. So, I mean, um, you know, she was very dismissive about it. Just like, oh no, he's just a friend, you know? Uh, and then after we talked about it a little more, it's like oh no he's just a friend you know uh and then after we talked about a little more it's like other things start coming out like oh he's my best friend i can talk to him a lot and mind you he's a stay-at-home dad himself and she's a stay-at-home mom which she has been for the last 10 years yeah so um you know i i don't know i just was i just was in shock dr john yeah yeah yeah rightfully so my heart was in a thousand pieces i John. Yeah, yeah, yeah, rightfully so. My heart was in a thousand pieces. I'm over there trying to pick it up, trying to put it back together.

And that's what I feel like I've been doing the last year, and it just doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. So her first response was denial and a lie. When did she circle up and say, finally admit, like, yeah, I've been seeing this dude? I mean, I would say probably like a couple weeks after. We were having conversations all the time about it. Yeah. And she just finally said one day, he's my best friend. I just want to see him all the time.

And that was another killer. It's like, how do you say that this guy's your best friend when I'm your husband and we're supposed to be best friends? We're supposed to be the ones talking all the time. Were y'all having, were you, was this a total shock to you? Were y'all having problems in your marriage? Have y'all talked about being distant in the past? No, no, that's, that was another thing is like, we, we, I always felt like our relationship was very close. You know, we're, you know, we're always, we're always honest with each other. We're always talking to each other. And then, um, you know, for this to come about, it just was, like I said, a total shocker. I just couldn't, I just couldn't wrap my head around it, honestly.

Yeah, man. I'm sorry, dude. So, so why do you want to stay in this relationship, man? Because I love her. I mean, she's the love of my life. I've been with her for 14 years. Um, we have two beautiful girls together. Um, and we, we both come from broken marriages. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 18. And she didn't have her

dad, you know, pretty much most of her life. And he still isn't a part of her life to this day. So when you say she's not invested, she has no interest in staying, is she telling you, I want to be divorced? She's brought it up a couple of times, but it's never, the trigger has never been pulled on it. She's talked about separating, you know, I just don't feel the same way about you. You know, I feel like we're on two separate paths and it's like, you know, I've always been on the same path, Dr. John. I work, you know, all the time to provide for the family. You know, that's my role as a man. I feel like, you know, I came from that type of background. And, you know, I don't know if it's some type of resentment she holds towards me because I get to leave every day and leave her

with the kids or what it is. So I'm going to tell you this, Jeremiah. You're going to make yourself stone insane trying to get inside her head and figure out why she's thinking the way she's thinking. Right. Okay. And when we get hurt or we get scared or we get out of control, that's a temptation, man. I know why they did that because of X. Man, you're going to make yourself nuts. You know what I mean? And there's probably a temptation, man. I know why they did that because of X. Man, you're going to make yourself nuts. You know what I mean? And there's probably a thousand different things.

And what I'll tell you is it's a fool's errand. You're never going to fully get there. And you're going to drive yourself mad. So here's the – man, I – man. You're going to be straight, Dr. Joe. Yeah, I'm going to. Here's the thing. you can't change her mind right she's an adult and she's gonna have to make that decision um what this tension is and what

this back and forth is and what this yeah i don't know on her end and um the tension you feel in your own house walking on eggshells in your own house. And my guess is it probably vacillates between this is my damn house. I'm going to be who I want to be. And then also you're on eggshells because you want to make her mad. And then you're starting to feel yourself lose it, right? Yeah, exactly. And then you talk to yourself.

You have these pep talks on the way home. Your heart rate gets up. You get kind of fired up about it. And then the next day you're going to bring flowers. You're just going to start spinning yourself out so there's the important part of the just y'all being adults right and i know i'm talking this is a pot talking the kettle here but two adults have got to get in a room and have this conversation but there's a reason underneath that you need to have this conversation because y'all need to have this conversation because you don't need to have this conversation, right? You just need to make some decisions.

But I'm going to tell you right now, you are not passively influencing your daughters. You are affirmatively hurting them. Okay? Okay. They are absorbing this tension. They are absorbing your back and forth, your wife's indifference, whatever she's saying about you when you're not there, her staring at her phone all day while they're in her presence or not.

All of that stuff they're absorbing. And here's the deal, brother. They are in their little minds. How old are they? Ten and six. Oh, gosh. Yeah, and they're ten and six-year-old. That's about the age of my kids.

Every interaction with their parents, every bit of tension they are absorbing is their fault, and they're going to spend their life trying to fix it. My goodness. It's not a good thing. No, it's not. All of that tension, all of that ambiguity, frustration, they absorb. And sometimes kids try to solve that through being perfect. Sometimes kids solve that through addiction.

They solve that through one relationship after another after another. They solve that through the – they go on religious walkabouts, whatever that may be, but they spend their life chasing that down. Very similar situation you find yourself in, right? Yeah, definitely. And all that to say is this. You have got to have a hard conversation in a respectful, kind, dignified way. Because there is a chance that your wife is a terrible, terrible wife and an extraordinary mom. She might be a great mom to these girls.

Does she love those kids? Oh, yeah, she does. She's a great mother. I'll never take that away from her. She's the best mom. Well, just like I said to the first caller, man, we need more guys like you in the world. I appreciate your heart here. My guess is this is probably a long time coming.

And whether you missed it or whether your wife was highly deceptive, usually it's both and something sneaks up on people or something doesn't sneak up on people, whatever it happens to be. I need you to go to your wife and say, listen, for the sake of our daughters that are absorbing this, this is rewriting in their hearts what relationships look like, what relationships feel like, and they are taking all of this tension on their hearts. We can't do that to our daughters. We've got to make some decisions in this house. And I love you. I want to be your husband.

I'll go to the ends of the earth to figure out how to make this work. Please don't give up on us. Let's go get a marriage therapist. Let's go all in, right? And let her make a decision. Yeah. And I know that's a scary thing because there's a reality that she's going to say, I'm opting for not you. And that's real scary, right?

It is. Very. Yeah. That's heartbreaking. That's, yeah, that's all in, man. It sounds like she... Does she care about you? She says she does. Okay.

Obviously, behavior, the affair nonetheless. Is she still in touch with this dude? Are they still interacting, talking all the time? No, they're not talking at all. Actually, the day after I found out, we went and changed her phone number and all that kind of stuff. So she said she hasn't been in contact with them at all since then. Also, too, if I could just mention it, like with our sleeping arrangements and stuff, she's out on the couch. I'm in the bed by myself you know intimacy is out of nothing we're not none of that's going

on when's the last time y'all when's the last time y'all slept together like slept together or sexually sexually yeah it's probably been about like a month and a week okay something like that okay when's the last time you sat down and said, we just need to have a grown-up, intimate, direct conversation with one another? Just actually the other day, honestly. How'd it go? You know, it went better than I thought. Okay.

I sat down, I talked to her. I let her know that I was in contact with you guys with your show. Sure. And I let her know that Wednesday I'm going to be talking to her. I let her know that I was, I was in contact with you guys, with your show. Sure. And I let her know that Wednesday I'm, I'm going to be talking to, you know, uh, Dr. John. Um, he's a counselor, stuff like that. So I let her know that I'm reaching out there to, to try and make this work. Sure. Have y'all gone to see, gone to see a marriage therapist? Have y'all gone? She won't go? No, she won't go. We've, we've had that conversation. She's like, well, what are they going to tell us? And I was like, well, they'll tell us what we need to do. Yeah. You know? And it's like,

that's what I was saying. It's like a one-way street with this relationship. It seems like right now it's like, I want to reach out. I want to save it. But it's just doesn't seem like she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to save it. Does she want you to be the bad guy here? Does she want you to be the guy that breaks it off? Why what's keeping her from walking out the door? That's what I'm saying. I don't know. And I think that's what she wants is for me to make the decision. I said, you know what? No, this is your decision. I am not making the decision because I don't want to make that decision. I don't want to leave the relationship. I want to be with you. I love you. Yeah. You know, and, and I don't know, I, I, I think she's waiting for that.

That's maybe that's why she's, you know, not, we're not sexually active anymore. Maybe she's waiting for that. Maybe that's why she's, you know, we're not sexually active anymore. Maybe she's holding out on me for that reason. I have no idea. See, again, don't get in her head, man, okay? You're going to make yourself bananas. There's a thousand different reasons why intimacy happens and doesn't happen and all that. I'd love to talk to her. If she'll call the show, I'd love to love to talk to her to get what's going on in her heart and mind if she would um but all i have to say is this if she won't have an adult conversation and she did if she

won't make an adult decision yeah for you for herself you'll have to make some decisions for your daughters okay yeah sooner rather than later and my my hope, hope, hope, again, man, I'm the most naively optimistic guy on the planet and I'm not naive about it. I just, I've seen people come back from so many different brinks, come over so many obstacles because they fight and they claw and they say,

I'm not giving up on this thing. I thought this marriage was in ash and we're going to redraw it. We're going to rebuild it and we're going to create something better and new and different. It's not going to be the old thing that we just reconstruct. We're going to do something remarkable. I've seen it over and over and over. I've had moments in my marriage, dude, that I was like, oh, man, things are going down.

It's going down. It's going down. And we hung on, and we rebuilt something new. We're still rebuilding something new. And I think every marriage is continually rebuilding and rebuilding and adding and growing. I've got high hopes for you, man. I do as well. My hopes are very high. She's got to, y'all got to make a decision sooner rather than later for those girls. So here's my challenge to you. Do what I just said. Sit down with her and have that hard

conversation on behalf of your daughters, on behalf of you, on behalf of her. She's killing herself, man. She's got to make a decision. And you can let her know equivocally, I will not end this marriage, period. But we've got to fix this. I want you back and sleep in bed with me. I want you to, we go to a marriage counselor. You know what they're going to give you? Tools. They're going to help you have hard conversations with one another, tell the truth with one another, be open. You may hear things about, I promise, you will hear things about you over the last decade that you don't like, that you didn't even know you were doing.

But you're going to hear them, man. That's what a marriage counselor will do, to give her a place to be fully honest and open with you. And there'll be a referee there, but also someone who's going to teach you. A teacher is going to give you guys some tools you can work on and rebuild this thing from the floor up. But those little girls are hanging in the balance, man. They're hanging in that tension, and they're absorbing every second of it, man.

So the last thing is, man, I'd love for her to call the show. I will move her to the front of the line if she'll call the show or shoot me an email. I'll go to johndeloney.com slash show. Let her know that, um, she's Jeremiah's wife and we'll move her to the front of the show. I'd love to hear her perspective on this. She's probably not going to,

but, um, I'd love to hear from her, but man, we're thinking about you and let me know how that conversation goes. Let me know what that final decision is. Shoot me a note back and we'll let the listeners know how things played out. Don't give in to despair,

Jeremiah. Don't give in to treating her less than with dignity and respect because at the end of the day, that's just going to bring you down and drown you. So, it sounds like you've taken the high road on this thing. Continue to, even if you get the worst of worst news that she's moving out and the thing's over. Continue to think about those girls. Continue to think about what you can bring to the table as a person of integrity and dignity. And treat your wife with respect regardless of how this thing plays out. She's still the mother of your kids. I hate that man. All right, let's go to Sharon in Atlanta.

Sharon, what is going on? How are we doing? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much. It is an absolute pleasure just to even talk to you. I'm so excited. It's a pleasure to talk to you. How can I help? Okay. So I actually had COVID starting on Christmas day and I'm still recovering. Merry Christmas, right? I know. And what a way to start the new year. But yeah, so I actually, you know, just went through like. And what a way to start the new year. Um, but yeah, so I actually,

uh, you know, just went through like, like on a scale of one to 10, it was literally a 12. Like that's how bad it was. And I never get sick, but I'm just like mentally and physically just so exhausted. Um, because it was just so draining and, you know, just being stuck in a room the whole for two weeks. And you have all these goals in mind. You want to start the new year with all these goals, and you have plans. And I feel like everything got kind of put on hold. So just kind of asking what your opinion is, what you think.

How could I get myself back on track just to get back to kind of normal almost? Like after COVID. Man, you just gave me like 10 different shows with the material just here all right so number one um you didn't slightly get derailed your whole 2021 got blown up before it started right you're that kid i don't know if you you weren't in cub scouts but they have like the pinewood derby where they make these fancy cars and they all get in a line on these ramps and they let them go. Yours is the one kid that got stuck right when they dropped it and all the

other kids went down and looked all smooth and pretty and yours just, your car sucked. It just got stuck there, right? It went nowhere. And so there's number one, you got to be honest about what happened. You got blowed up before you even got to go up i'm gonna i'm gonna trademark that that's probably the smartest rap kind of thing i said

today you got blowed up before you got to go up um number two how honest do you want me to be with you because i you you share and sound like a really kind person like a lovely human and i can play high level or i can be super blunt and jaco willinick with you i can just be direct which one i i would like for you to be as honest as possible i mean because it's just because like i'm a very like social person and and i've been out of work since then i'm a flight attendant so it's just it's just been so hard because i've been in my bubble this whole time yeah just getting out you know even socializing i gotta learn to it's just been so hard because I've been in my bubble this whole time. Yeah. Getting out, even socializing. I got to learn to – it's just been weird.

I just feel like I'm in a weird place in life right now. Yes, yes, yes. I'm just exhausted. Okay, so here's – I'm going to walk you through real fast everything in a nutshell, and I want you to just hold your breath while I do it, okay? Okay. Ready? I'm ready.

Almost a year, we'll say nine to ten months of varying stories between if you get this, you're going to be dead, it's not a big deal, what's going to happen, and you're a flight attendant, so am I going to get laid off? Am I going to get to keep my job? What are we going to do? Oh, I've got to be on this plane. They're making me fly with all these people. We're all going to get sick.

We're all going to die. Oh, my gosh, and I love my friend, but I kissed that We're all going to get sick. We're all going to die. Oh, my gosh. And I love my friend, but I kissed that boy. He's probably got it. He's probably going to die. Every sniffle for the last nine months, you thought, oh, this is it. This is death, right? And then I want to hang out with people.

It's not that big a deal. We're in Atlanta. It's not even in the South, so they say. So we're all good in Atlanta. And then it's, forget it, on freaking Christmas, right? And then you start thinking backwards to all the people I was around. Did I hurt somebody else? Because that's the other thing, right?

It's not only, I might have it and be hurting other people, not even mean to, but someone else is going to get sick and die because of me. And then it goes over and over. And I blew up my family's Christmas plans and my friend's plans. plans and what about 2021 i got this new journal with all these freaking ribbons in it that was going to help me on my day planner journal and month and goals and and it all just blows up and you are super super sick all by yourself in a bed on christmas day and so there's one word for that and it's just called trauma? And there's so many influencers on the Instagrams being like, dude, I had it for 24 hours. It was no big deal.

Woo! Or there's newscasters being like, everyone should die. Right? The reality is for some people, it's not a big deal. And for others, it is the scariest, terrifying thing. I've got friends at work. I've got friends in my family. I've got friends in my family. I've got,

I got friends in my family. I got family members. I've had people who have had it. Not that bad. I've had people that were terrified. Right? It is what it is. It was definitely scary.

You got real scary. Right? There you go. And you probably like my idiot self. You probably went to the internet to see what I could do and what would happen. And then they just really

fan the flame of joy. Right? Because what else are you going to do when you're stuck in a room by yourself? Right. And I never, go ahead go ahead um i never and that's another thing like i never get sick so that's why i think it like really hit me hard because like i actually had to go to the doctor twice and i was so sick like i i didn't think i honestly did not think i was going to make it because my breathing was so bad. And like, it was, it just hit me like, oh my gosh, this is real. And then you start thinking, oh, I don't ever get sick, but I did this time. I'm going to be one of the ones. And

right. So all I have to say is your brain is trying to do the best it can to take care of you. And your year got blown up at the end and at the beginning. The one holiday that you've had since you were a little girl that everyone just goes, that got blown up. Your work got blown up. Your health got blown up. Everything just blew up. And so what I want you to do, and this is going to sound ridiculous. Just go with me on it, okay?

I want you to hold some sort of miniature funeral for what was going to be, okay? And you can be as funny about this. You can get a glass of wine and get some friends on Zoom, and y'all can be silly about it, or you can be teary and weepy about it, okay? But I want you just to be honest about it. I want you to have a moment, a ceremony, a moment of just checking and pause where you're going to grieve what just happened because it sucks, right? And it's not just that you got COVID and got really, really sick. It's all of it, all the scary, all of the year, it all culminated and it all just goes, boom, right down your body, right? And then you had to sit for two weeks alone,

sick alone. There's nothing worse than being alone. There's to sit for two weeks alone, sick alone. There's nothing worse than being alone. There's nothing worse than being sick alone. Right. With just screens and sleep and screens and a doctor and then almost death. And then. Right. So it's just on and on. And then you have to let this fantasy of what 2021 was going to be go. And then I'm going to give you some joy, okay? Okay. There is a wonderful saying by the great, they're the great meditating gurus, but that every breath is a chance to start over, right?

Every breath is a chance to start over. And so I don't want to undermine what just happened. It's a big deal. And your body's wrecked because of it. And that means your heart and your soul and your spirit's wrecked of it. Hold the funeral, acknowledge what was, acknowledge what blew up in your face, and then say, it's Tuesday, January, whatever. I'm starting today. Right? Now I'm going to start 2021, however late we are. And hey, after what happened the last few weeks with the,

the, all the stupid stuff going on in the country with the politics and all that, why not start late? Right? That's true. So good. You're beating the system here. So way to go.

So you now have a level of empathy for the scared people that you're going to be walking up and down the aisle with in your work. You're going to have a new level of empathy for folks that you work with who haven't got it yet, who are terrified they're going to get it. You have a new level of empathy of what it's like to be just freaking alone. You have a new level of empathy for what getting sick looks like, the difference between media coverage, right coverage what's real and what's not you now have an insight to that you didn't have before would you want it?

no but you have it now and that is a firm beautiful foundation of empathy, love compassion and now there's no stopping me, now you had it now it's on 2021 now Sharon from Atlanta game game on, sister.

I'm going to go get it, right? And now you can do whatever you want. And you can... Yeah, I love... Yeah, I actually... You just pictured... I just pictured a whole sunshine after you said that. That's what it is, man.

I didn't even look at it that way. Yeah, definitely. Because there's other people that are probably, that are going through, especially after holidays. Okay. Don't do that. Okay. Sharon, Sharon, don't do that. Don't compare your situation to somebody else. Well, at least I didn't have that. Right. Don't do that. Your grief is your grief is your grief. You get to own it. It sucked. It was, if you got COVID for 48 hours and you just had weird, weird, weird boogers, right? And rocket diarrhea. And that's it.

And you have a friend who went to the hospital and she was put on a ventilator for four days before she got to come home. Both of you have a right to your hurt. Okay? Don't minimize it. Don't minimize it and don't be like, well, you're right. Other people in other countries have food. Don't minimize it. Don't minimize it. And don't be like, well, you're right. Other people in other countries have food. Don't do that. It was, that's why I want you to hold a ceremony for what happened to you. Okay. Hold it. It was what it was. And then yes, the sun comes up and it may not come up on the landscape we wanted. It may not come up in

the home that we wanted. It may not come up in the home that we wanted. It may not come up at the school we wanted to be at. It may not come up with the guy that we thought we were going to be. Whatever the thing is, but the sun always comes up. It always comes up. And then we go back to what the ancient meditators would say is every breath is a chance to start over. And I've been guilty, guilty of like, man, it's May. I've blown this year. I can't wait till New Year's, right? I'm going to start over New Year's. That's so stupid.

I blew a whole year, man. So all you lost was three weeks. That's, man, you were in it to win it. By the way, can I, Sharon, I want to thank you for that call. Here's what I want you to do. After your funeral, I want you to shoot me a note back. And I'm going to read what your note is after you have this miniature funeral. Again, it can be funny. It can be serious. I want you to do after your funeral I want you to shoot me a note back And I'm going to read what your note is After you have this miniature funeral Again, it can be funny, it can be serious

I want you to let that go The fantasy of 2021 is going to be pop rocks And fireworks and flowers It's not, it sucked, I got COVID I was stuck in bed and I almost died But now the sun's coming up and what are we going to make of it And then I want to hear what you're going to do I want to hear what you're going to write down

Here's the person I'm going to be in 2021 More empathetic, more loving, more looking people in the eye And then I want to hear what you're going to do. I want to hear what you're going to write down. Here's the person I'm going to be in 2021. More empathetic, more loving, more looking people in the eye and saying, I see you for the first time. That's going to be awesome. And then here's, man, this gets me a little bit ranty and I won't because I want to wrap the show up here. But you guys, I talk a lot about you got to match your pictures with words, right? We often use the same words and we mean different things. COVID is a great example about how different disciplines use the same words and then they run off into the woods with totally different meanings.

If you guys remember back in February or March of last year, when this thing started making its way around the world, I was in Manhattan when they closed Broadway. I was on Broadway with my friend Ken Coleman. We were walking down Broadway when they walked out and said, Broadway is canceled. And we both looked at each other like, that doesn't sound super great. And they said, canceled until further notice. And no one had ever heard of anything like that ever happening. So we were downtown New York when this thing started falling like a bunch of dominoes.

And there were some modeling experts, some epidemiologists, some modeling folks who made some predictions early on at university science labs. And again, labs, some of you guys think of labs with beakers. Some labs have people in them. Some labs have people in them. Some labs have computers in them. So I'm using the word liberally here. Liberally, is that? That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they said, hey, we think 13, 14 million people are going to die, or whatever wild number it was. So here's the thing. In science, when they say, I think this, for scientists, that means game on. Because the whole practice of science is based on iron sharpens iron, peer review. Oh yeah, I am going to reject your null hypothesis. I'm going to go try to find out where you're wrong. I'm going to look in the gap, look in the gap, look in the gap. And then shortly, a few weeks later, it had been revised down.

We think 7 million people. So those folks took those new models, new information, new data, and they're making new models and new models. And they're reducing, reducing, and they're getting better and better and better. So science has a built-in mechanism when it's honest with itself for, I think this. Here's my hypothesis. Here's what I think is going to happen. And then all other scientists in that area, in that field, or in peripheral fields, they go to war, dude. It is on. And it's this beautiful refining process to try to get to truth, right? But you know who doesn't have a refining process? Politicians and the media. Because they all walked out the next day and said,

14 million people are going to die. And they have no ability because of ego, because of narrow-minded thinking, short-term thinking. They have no way to go back and say, oh, you know what? The best information we had last week was 14 million people. The latest data tells us it's going to be 10 million. That's a great news, everybody. We're going to keep learning the best we can, doing what we have in our pockets right now, but the number's getting smaller. It's still way, way, way, way, way too big, but they can't do that. They have to look at each other and start saying, well, you lied. Well, you lied. Well, you're stupid. Science is dumb. And it's this cross talk that happens in marriages. It happens in families. It happens in businesses. It happens in schools where people are using the same language and they're using it to mean different

things. God almighty, if politicians could say these magic words, I'm sorry, I learned new information. I'm changing what I had said the other day and I'm going this way. And if we all cheered those people, you know why? Because that's wisdom. The ability to say, oh, dude, I got new info. I got new info, and now I'm wiser, and I'm going to restate something that I said earlier. I'm going to say something differently. I changed my mind, and we all cheered for them. Oh, can you imagine that? If the media was able to come out on a Tuesday after making a big report on Monday and be like, hey, we got that one wrong. Whoopsie-doo. Our bad. We got new information. We screwed that up. Here's the new thing. Oh, we didn't even screw it up. We just tried our best

with what we had. And we got new information. All I have to say is say the words I'm sorry. Be people of wisdom. Be people that said, man, I got new info. Alright, so as we wrap up the show, I could talk on that all day long. Oh, man. Alright, so I'm in it now, everybody.

I asked another young person in the office, I need the best song of 2021. No, I said the best song ever. It happened to be the best song of 2021, a song that has existed since 2021 started. That should have been clue number one. So it's off a record that was recently released. It's called Anyone by Justin Bieber.

And it goes like this. Dance with me under the diamonds, says Justin. Sleep with me. Hey, let me stop you right there. No Justin Bieber? No, we're just going to go ahead and wrap this up. It's a good tune, man. I listened to it.

It's good. No, no, they're waving me off. I'm a fan of his older albums, but we're going to go ahead and wrap this here. You can read two more lines. We'll see how it goes. If it's not you, it's not anyone. Not anyone. I tried, Justin.

This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show. you