The Dr. John Delony Show - Anxious Kids, Avoiding Divorce, & a Marriage Stressed by Work Travel

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advic...e on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 3:26: My 9-year old has been through a lot and I want to make sure he's okay mentally 17:07: How do I approach my marriage growing up with divorced parents? 28:30: The January Sugar Challenge 33:46: How do I deal with work travel and a wife who struggles with separation? 44:02: Lyrics of the Day: "What It Takes" - Aerosmith tags: parenting, anxiety, divorce, marriage, fitness/physical, health, nutrition, workplace/career These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, on today's show, we talked to a mom of a nine-year-old who's had a lot of life challenges. What can she do to make sure he's OK? We also talked to a young woman who's from a house of divorced parents, and she's about to get married. And she wants to know what she can do to divorce-proof her future.
Starting point is 00:00:18 And finally, we talked to a husband who loves his wife, and he loves his job that has him on the road all the time. What can he do to stay connected while he's always gone stay tuned hey what's up what's up I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney show. A show for you, about you, by you. Where we are walking alongside one another through trying to figure out the next crooked, wobbly step in this thing called life. How to be human beings again, how to be in relationships with one another. And we are figuring it out as we go.
Starting point is 00:01:04 We talk about everything on this show. Anything and everything. No matter what's going on in your heart, in your mind, or your family, in your relationships, in this new year. We've all been waiting for months and months for it to be 2021. Well, here it is. We're here. And I want you to know that so many people are going through the same things you're going through you're not alone you're not by yourself and I want you to give me a shout right give me
Starting point is 00:01:30 a shout give me a call at 1-844-693-3291 or you can go to johndeloney.com slash show and fill out the form see if we can get you on the show here and like I said we talk about everything on the show and this is a special episode. It's coming out, I think it's January 6th, right? It's a special episode because it's my birthday. I am officially 28. It's a big day. I'm not 28. I just lied to you, but here's the thing. A new 2020 resolution we're all going to make together, 2021, we're all going to make together. If Facebook has to tell you that it's one of your friends' birthdays, they're not your friend
Starting point is 00:02:10 and you don't care. If an algorithm has to tell you when somebody's birthday is, let's just all call it. You don't care when their birthday is. I don't want a bunch of people thumbs-upping me or being like, hey, way to go. Happy birthday, happy birthday. If two or three of my thumbs upping me, right? Or being like, hey, way to go. Happy birthday,
Starting point is 00:02:30 happy birthday. If like two or three of my people in my life, whether it's my mom and my wife, my wife remembers most years. My mom occasionally remembers. I've got one or two buddies that never forget. They're awesome. But other than that, let's just call it. And the second thing is, let's don't be passive aggressive about our birthdays. Let's walk into where we work. And if you don't want to say anything, don't. If you do, just say it. Hey, everybody, it's my birthday. Like today, it's my birthday show. It's my birthday show. Let's call it out.
Starting point is 00:02:55 Let's don't do the passive aggressive like, oh, it's my birthday thing. Just passive aggressive birthday people. Let's be done with that in 2021. Let's call it. So here we are on the January 6th happy birthday show. We're going to talk about the 30-day sugar-free challenge. We're going to do that later. And the reason I wait until January 7th to do that, we're going to start that tomorrow. The reason I wait until January 7th is because my birthday is January 6th and I want that birthday cake, man. My wife makes the just murder row birthday cake, and it's awesome.
Starting point is 00:03:26 All right, so let's get into the calls directly. Let's go to Rachel in Houston, Texas, where I was born and raised. Rachel, how are we doing? Hey, Dr. Lovoni. Doing good. How are you? I'm doing well. Thanks for taking my call.
Starting point is 00:03:40 Thank you so, so much for calling. How is Houston? You doing okay? It's actually cold, but we're surviving. Wow. Very cool. I don't hear that very often. So how can I help, Rachel? So I have a nine-year-old son with an ex-husband, and he's been through a lot. And I just want to know if there is a way, in addition to maybe also seeing a counselor, that his dad and I can just check on his mental well-being periodically ourselves. That's a great question. There's a
Starting point is 00:04:13 lot to that. So when you say a lot, what does that mean? Okay, so I made a list, and I'll try to just run through these really, really quick. Okay. After he was born, I had really bad postpartum depression. So I left and he stayed with his dad. He lives with his dad still. When he was three, I remarried. When his dad, I'm sorry, when he was four and a half, his dad remarried. And his dad's wife is really strict. So much so that if I had to leave him with her, he would cry. And then
Starting point is 00:04:49 when we'd get to the house, he would stop because that was not acceptable. And so it was kind of like a red flag. Things seemed better. When he was six, I had his baby brother and his great grandpa passed. When he was eight, his regular grandpa passed from suicide. He doesn't know that. I don't want to tell him. And then now at nine, we just found out we're having another baby. And I feel like that's a lot of stuff. Right. So what behaviors is he putting out into the world that makes you think he's not doing okay? Well, that's the thing. There's nothing nothing like he acts like he's totally normal what does totally normal mean to you i mean he's silly and he is super loving um um he's a little emotional like i feel like a lot of boys that i meet that are his age or
Starting point is 00:05:42 about the same um they i they, I don't know, kind of cry a little bit more than I would think the boys do, but I don't know. I'm a girl. Um, and yeah, I just, I just, to me, he just seems like he's doing really well. And I just want to make sure that I'm not missing something. So I'm going to answer the question and then i'm going to ask you a question behind that question okay and one question or the first part of this will be easy the second part of this won't be okay is that cool okay the reality of it is if he's presenting okay or i'll just say it this way a young person a nine-year-old is going to be as stable, generally speaking, as the connection and relationships in their life.
Starting point is 00:06:32 And so, if he is tethered in to two parents who truly, deeply love him, and you've heard me say this over and over, touch him regularly on his face and on his hands and play with him and act like he is important to them and doesn't put the weight of the house on him, right, has appropriate boundaries, then he's going to be okay. And he doesn't have abuse in any of his relational situations. His teachers may not be the best, but they're not abusing him. He's not in places where he is being trampled over. But most of the time, kids are super resilient, especially when they are connected and when they are loved. Okay? So that's the reality of it.
Starting point is 00:07:18 I would wait to begin projecting microscopes or magnifying glasses on him, looking for problems until he presents them. And kids will not be bashful. You'll see it, okay? If he's got, or not if, but as you have laid out his life, you've laid it out where he has suffered one trauma after another, after another, after another. And he's got some, what I would call legacy trauma. And take me back to the person in his life who killed himself. Was that a grandparent? Yes. He only knows that he passed. We didn't tell him how.
Starting point is 00:08:00 Okay. And what's the story behind that passing? What did his dad tell him? I don't, I didn't ask. Was it his dad's father? Yes. Okay. So somewhere along the way, this young boy has depression being modeled for him on both sides. Okay. depression being modeled for him on both sides, okay?
Starting point is 00:08:29 And he'll have a reckoning with that at some point, whether that's happening quietly now or in the future. It doesn't sound like it's happening now, so it's not something I would lose sleep over, especially if he is in a caring, connected place. And here's where the hard conversation is going to come into play okay yes he is going to struggle with the fact that his parents are divorced and he is going to struggle with the fact that at some point mom left being you okay have y'all had that conversation Have y'all ever talked about that? A lot. He asks all the time, why did you leave and not come back?
Starting point is 00:09:14 Yeah. What do you tell him? So my answer has changed since he's gotten a little bit older. I try to be as honest as possible with him. So when he was little, I just told him, oh, mommy was sick and she needed her mom. And then, so now he understands. Excuse me. Sorry. Oh, you're okay. Hey, you're okay.
Starting point is 00:09:53 You're good. He understands that it was postpartum depression, although he doesn't know what that means. Right. And so what role did postpartum depression play in you leaving your husband? Was it something that you had to just get out of there? Were you feeling you were going to hurt somebody? What about postpartum made you have to leave? It's really hard for me to answer that question. I became a totally different person and I was resenting my husband and I just had had enough. Yeah. And so, I mean, it's... So I'd rather you begin to take ownership of that decision instead of putting it on postpartum depression. Because here's what it's going to do for your son. It's going to make him think that at any moment this looming thing is going to come upon me and make me do something that is going to be irrevocable.
Starting point is 00:10:49 Oh, yeah. And he will live his life under a cloud. And when he finds out granddad took his life, that's going to be yet another cloud that he's always going to be looking over his shoulder to see if it's coming after him. Oh, that makes sense. And it feels like you're doing him a favor by letting him know, mommy did not leave because of you. Mommy didn't even leave because of her own decision. Mommy had to because she was sick. And when a kid is little, you did the right thing.
Starting point is 00:11:20 You did a noble thing. And letting somebody know that somebody's sick, that's actually accurate language. That's good. But over time, you're going to have to, and it's going to be hard because he's going to look at you and think you chose somebody else other than him. And to a degree, you did. You did. You moved out. And you're going to have to reckon with you too, which means you're going to have to go through a grieving process and a forgiveness process and a grace process so that you can be whole for your son. You can be whole for these new, wonderful kids that you've got as well, right? And they're worth having a full, whole Rachel, right? So, what's happened has happened.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Are you remarried? Yes. Okay. And you got one new one and another one on the way? Correct. Okay. So at the end of the day, the sooner you can morph that conversation to one of ownership, the better. The sooner your son realizes that there's not this illness that's going to take over his mind and his heart and his character and make him do evil things, the better.
Starting point is 00:12:29 The more he learns that he's ultimately in control of his thoughts and his actions, the better. And let's deal with dad. Is dad a good guy? Oh, he's wonderful. His birth father? Yeah yeah his dad is wonderful do you regret leaving him no okay so it was in your heart was the right of course but i'm really happy with my new husband great okay and yeah and here's i take that question back i asked you an unfair question i don't hear a lot of people talk about their ex it as they're so wonderful okay so that's
Starting point is 00:13:20 fair okay um so i asked you i asked you an unfair question, so I take that question back. All that to say, you are blessed in that you do not have to, you're not walking around feeling like you have to defend or protect your son from his dad. You get to co-parent with him, okay? Yes, and I feel like we do a really good job co-parenting. Wonderful. Wonderful. So have you ever been open and honest with your husband about why you left? Yes. Okay.
Starting point is 00:14:01 I told him that before we even got married because I wanted it all on the table. Okay. Gotcha. Good deal. So here's the thing. You and your husband keep a close eye on your little boy, but not too close. Let him grow up to be a little boy. Let him know that he is loved with reckless abandon. And when he asks questions, commit to never, ever lying to him. When there is tension in your home, which there's going to be, right? You're going to have another young child. He's got, he's back and forth between homes. Let him know that his feelings are valid. They don't always tell the truth, but his voice is one that can be heard, right? And he doesn't get to make the final decision on everything because he's freaking nine, right?
Starting point is 00:14:51 And that he is loved and that he is loved over and over and over again, okay? And the first time he has a bad day or a sad day does not mean that everybody rushes off to the counselor that he's got a psychiatric illness that he's broken that he needs to go get counseling he may just need mom or dad to stop what they're doing for a minute and take him fishing to plug in with him and listen to him to have a letter writing campaign with him, right? Building some of these things now so that when these traumas catch up with him in a demonstrative way, in a way that we can all see it, that he goes to you first. He doesn't hide. Does that make sense?
Starting point is 00:15:40 Yeah, it's super helpful. Thank you. So you're playing a five-year game and you're playing a 10-year game. You're loving every day, but you want to, when he has to have a conversation with somebody, he wants to think of you first. He wants to think of dad first. There's no competition between the two of you. And he may fall head over heels for his stepdad, your new husband.
Starting point is 00:16:00 He may fall head over heels for his stepmom, your ex-husband's wife. Either way, everybody's on the same page that this boy is going to know that he is loved, connected, swallowed up in people who care about him. And he will never feel like he is being haunted by some giant cloud that's going to take his judgment, take his character, and ultimately take his family, and ultimately take his life from him, right? I do expect, Rachel, like being totally honest, I do expect him to have something he's going to have to work through in the future, probably. I also believe for as messy as this situation is, he is blessed beyond belief to have two parents who still love him and still care enough about each other to not be idiots and not act like children and to
Starting point is 00:16:52 be respectful about one another and to lean into that little boy. So thank you for that call. I appreciate you. Love that little boy recklessly. And I would say take him to an Astros game, but I don't even know what I think about the Astros anymore. So, all right, let's go to Alicia in Chicago. Alicia, how are we doing? I'm doing well, Dr. Lonnie. How are you? I'm doing so good. So good. So how can I help today? I just want to get, you know, kind of your advice on how does one approach marriage after growing up with divorced parents? That's an interesting question. So where's that question stemming from? Are you about to get married? I'm in a serious relationship, just about two and a half years, and we're, me and my current
Starting point is 00:17:37 boyfriend, in very serious talks, you know, with the next year, kind of, you know, preparing for that next step. But before that next step, I just have a little hesitation, not from not believing in marriage, but definitely waves in the back of my mind having divorced parenting going through that. It's just, it's one of those things I feel like I could do everything right to prepare, but you can't predict the future still. Right. So let's answer this big question. Number one, by the way, you may have heard me laugh. You said we're in very serious talks and that's like contract negotiation language
Starting point is 00:18:12 that I read like on ESPN.com. So the way you said that was awesome. Like he put an offer on the table and you're thinking, I don't know about that. I'll take this offer. So that just made me laugh. So this is a serious conversation. How were you hurt by your parents' divorce?
Starting point is 00:18:31 Mainly, I was 15, so, you know, prime age, freshman high school, and an only child. Oh, man. It was very close to both of them and still very close to my parents. So that was having to, you know, split time. It was just really, really difficult. My parents did almost everything right after, you know, separating in terms of they never spoke ill of each other in front of me. They put me first 100%. They co-parented.
Starting point is 00:18:59 I mean, they really did an excellent job after that. But you just can't take away some of that, you know, pain and hurt that it came with. And still today, having just to deal with it, small things like, you know, two houses for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And, you know, it still exists today, even though we're, you know, 10 years in the future and just a really great place now. So why in the world would you even want to get married? Who's this guy you're marrying? What's his name? His name is Matthew.
Starting point is 00:19:30 Why in the world would you even be considering Matthew? You've seen it go south. You see what happens. And you saw it happen with people who handle it well, really well. Yeah. Why in the world would you marry Matthew? Well, I still believe in marriage and you know really having a partner you know in life and then why why why do you believe in that
Starting point is 00:19:52 why do you believe in that i think i think only because i saw it for like a lot of years my parents for the most part had a very healthy marriage they were a team uh you know they were young when they had me they just fought hard and they worked really hard and um just put me first and it was so i had a really good childhood you know very loving home um and things still didn't work out so there was a there was a part of me but now meeting uh seeing before me matthew i still had you know that hope there to get married um but then after meeting matthew and seeing um he's just a great person and just the best partner. I mean, he's just like the best teammate and just very, very good.
Starting point is 00:20:35 So I want to change some of your language, okay? I loved you listening to you talk about your parents, right? They loved each other. They fought for it. They went for it. And then you tossed in something that was a throwaway line, but it is really heavy and it's really existential. And I want you to never forget what I'm about to tell you, okay? Okay. The phrase, it just didn't work out, is not real when it comes to relationships. Oh, 100%.
Starting point is 00:21:10 Somebody, whether it was one or both, made a decision to no longer continue rebuilding, to continue investing, and they pulled their chips off the table and said, I'm out, right? A hundred percent. And so when you get married, we live in a culture, right? You know the stats as well as I do. Every friend you have probably has parents who are divorced. Every friend I've got, not everyone, a number of them have parents who are divorced. And even some of those who are still married are just roommates, right? We you and i both experience that and so the reason i was asking you why even do this why go down this road and you answer a question right because having a partner is worth it and finding somebody and saying i'm all in and I'm going to continue to be all in, even as the game changes, as the tables change, as the number of chips we both have to play changes,
Starting point is 00:22:10 as we continue down this wild adventure, it's all going to continue to shift and change. And this phrase, it just didn't work out, is a decision. It's not a just for some it does and for some it doesn't, right? And so if you decide to get married to this guy and you're in very serious negotiations right now, right? You're very serious talks.
Starting point is 00:22:39 I want you to both agree right now that divorce is never on the table. It is not an option. It can't be an option. It won't be an option. And we're never going to even have it here to discuss and talk through. And so once an option is off the table, then it's not an outcome. Then you have to do the other side of that equation, which is let's build a marriage where we always plan things together, where we always commit to being radically honest with one another, but not idiotic honest, and there's a difference. Where we budget together and we dream together and we talk about when
Starting point is 00:23:27 those dreams change and we express fears and we're vulnerable with one another and we talk about past hurts with one another. All these things that somehow stop over the course of a relationship and commit to that front end and commit to never having divorce as an option. And then your relationship is going to be as strong as you invest in the architecture and the continued reengineering of this thing. And so I'm going to give you the magic word here. If you don't want to get divorced, choose not to. Marry somebody that chooses not to. And can I give you one more uncomfortable moment? Yes. All relationship, 100% of it is a risk.
Starting point is 00:24:21 And it's a risk on the front end. And it's a risk on the front end and it's a risk all the way through it and if you knew the outcome if you knew how it ends it wouldn't be a relationship right it would be a it would be a business arrangement and so no going in that there is no there is no guarantee on the back end that's what makes it so exciting and so scary and so beautiful, right? It's a choice. And so as you hear me say that, it sounds trite and silly, right? Just a no. Talk to me about it.
Starting point is 00:25:00 Well, no, it doesn't sound silly. Just I very much am a person who likes control and would, you know, like everything to work out. But because I made every right decision I possibly could. So I think since now up until now, I haven't really looked beyond, you know, five years in the future, whether it was high school or college and, you know, early in my career. So now the thought, you know, looking, okay, let's dream, you know, 10, 20, 30 years in the future. It's like, whoa, that feels like out of my reach that I have control over. It is just scary. And that's basically it. And that is, hey, that's the rest of your life. That's what's so cool about this. That never goes away. The moment it stops being scary is the moment that people start looking over the shoulder. Right?
Starting point is 00:25:51 The moment that people get comfortable and they lean back and they're like, that's all right, is the moment they stop investing in new architecture. They stop trying to build a stronger foundation. They stop trying to do the repair work on this relationship. And then the whole thing, they find it in ash, right? So it is risky. It is exhausting. It is forever. And whatever you think you're planning for 20 years from now, I promise, I promise it will be different. I work on the radio now. I have Instagram, for God's sake. I had like one promise on earth is that I would never have Instagram.
Starting point is 00:26:33 That was stupid, right? So whatever my plan was, I wish I could go back and tell you what my plans were when me and my wife were dating. It probably involved, dude, I don't even want to get into it. It's not what my life is now, and my life is a thousand times better than I could have pictured it. And for whatever it's worth, there have been multiple, two or three or four times over the 20 plus years I've been dating and have been married to my wife, when we reached an apex and said, this could be it. And we chose not to. We chose not to, quote unquote, just say, ah, let's call it. It didn't work out. We didn't take our chips off the table. We may have got up and walked away from the table for a minute and walked around and then sat back down and said, these are the cards I've got. What cards do you have? Let's lay it all out on the table and let's rebuild again and let's rebuild again and let's keep rebuilding again.
Starting point is 00:27:33 I love, Alicia, I love that you're asking these questions. I love that you are a person who loves control and I want you to know you are putting that on the table when you go all in on somebody else. And if you're listening to this and you don't hear anything else, I'm high on marriage. I still think it's got, it's one of the most important cultural touchstones of our time. And I don't believe in things just run their course. I don't believe in things just didn't work out. I believe that people change and I believe people grow and I believe people change and grow together. And I also believe people at some point just cash in and say, I'm out. I'm done. I can't be here with you because you won't do X. I can't be there with Y because she won't do X, Y, and Z.
Starting point is 00:28:22 And it's a risk. It's a risk. It's all in. It's a risk. But Alicia, I said go for it. All right, let's go. You know what? Before we take this last call, I want to talk about the January 7th, the January 7th month, the sugar-free month from January 7th to February 7th. I'm hoping that everyone listening to this will join me in this. Here's the thing. We can't not deny, I guess science has got a bad rap these days. We can't deny the science. We can't deny the reality that we're not sleeping. We are sick sick we are overweight we're out of shape we are not moving we are not um nutritionally sound neurologically neurobiologically at the end of the day guys that starts with sugar and we are eating trash we are overuming sugar and other sweeteners logarithmically way, way too much.
Starting point is 00:29:30 And so there is all these fad diets. Here's the thing. I was obsessed with fad diets and you know what kind of nerd I am. I used to keep spreadsheets and track my progress. I need to go back and find them. I don't even know if they exist anymore, but I kept spreadsheets. I bought my own glucose monitor. I had a scale for all stupid good that did, which it does about no good. But I had all these different metrics and I would track fad diets.
Starting point is 00:29:55 And so I would come home and every month, it got to where my wife would be going to the store and she'd be like, hey, what are we? This month I'd be like, we are raw vegan, right? We are gluten-free or paleo or keto, whatever it is. And there's all these different diets. Here's a couple that we pulled off the internets. Vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, paleo, keto, intermittent fasting. That's not really a diet. It's not a diet, bro. It's a lifestyle. The carnivore diet, Atkins, Whole30, cabbage soup diet, grapefruit diet, juice cleanse, charcoal detox. Awesome.
Starting point is 00:30:25 Baby food diet, Weight Watchers, the 5x5, the fill in the blank. Right? Not to mention all the powders and potions and pills that help you lose weight fast. Lose weight fast for $19.95 plus shipping and handling. They don't have shipping and handling anymore, do they? They just have all free shipping. That's a bummer. I didn't think about that.
Starting point is 00:30:47 But here's the thing Some of you are already a week into the new year And if you listened to the earlier podcast You considered yourself a person Who's going to be a steward of their body Right? And you maybe did something dumb Like said I want to lose 50 pounds I want to put a number on it
Starting point is 00:31:02 Let's all just agree to do one thing i want everyone to join me january 7th to february 7th january 7th to february 7th no sugar that's no sugar no artificial sweeteners that's basically water and tea and coffee right topo chico if you're into the bubble water. Oh my gosh, it's so good. But no Cokes, no Diet Cokes, no orange juice, right? The fruit juice is loaded with sugar. No Gatorades, right? No sports drinks, no Red Bull bulls there's no sugar candy no work the work you know the dish of candy no gummy candies for guys like me oh my gosh my birthday is today so i'm gonna have a birthday cake tonight and then i'm off starting tomorrow and i hope you'll join me that you commit just give yourself 30 days with no sugar. What's going to happen is this, you're going to feel like you got hit by a bus in about a week. You're going to feel terrible.
Starting point is 00:32:09 You're going to have headaches. You're not going to sleep. It's going to be uncomfortable. And I'm going to tell you to push through. I'm going to be posting about it on Instagram. You can follow me at John Deloney. You are going to begin to feel uncomfortable. And then you're going to realize, oh my gosh, I'm an addict. I'm an addict. If you're really into this, try no alcohol for 30 days because alcohol reduces itself to a sugar in your body too. It has a very similar, not including the alcohol part, it has a very similar glycemic response to just regular sugar. So try no alcohol, but for all intents and purposes, cut the sugar.
Starting point is 00:32:49 30 days, you can do it. You're going to feel terrible. And after about a week, after about two weeks, you are going to feel like somebody pulled a cataract off your face, off your eyes, off your soul. You're going to feel yourself full of energy. You're going to feel yourself walking around taller. You're going to feel yourself looking of energy you're going to feel yourself walking around taller you're going to feel yourself looking at people in the eye it is magic and it starts with getting off sugar by the way you got to eat healthy on the back end too you can't just cut out sugar and just do nothing else right so eat healthy get good good healthy fats eat good protein right eggs and good meats take care of your body, take care of yourself
Starting point is 00:33:25 But let's cut the sugar for 30 days I want everyone to go for it And let's see what's on the back end If you get off sugar for 30 days And you don't see radical improvement in almost every area of your life Holler back girl at me And let me know And I will read your
Starting point is 00:33:41 I will personally discredit myself on this show. It'll be awesome. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to John in Springfield, Missouri. John, what's happening, brother? How we doing? Hey, I'm not so bad. How are you?
Starting point is 00:33:56 Good. Not so bad. Hey, real quick. Do you say Missouri or Missouri? No, the correct way is Missouri. I'm here to settle the argument. I heard it both ways, but the correct way is Missouri. I'm here to settle the argument. I heard it both ways, but the right way, Missouri. You are the greatest person I've talked to all day,
Starting point is 00:34:17 and that makes me happy. Every once in a while, somebody totally comes through in the clutch, John, and you just did. You don't have to go to church this week. You don't have to be nice to most people. You're good. You are squared up. Thank you so much for being able to read, right? But good for you. All right. So how can I help you? You help me. How can I help you? Right. So I do a lot of traveling for work and my wife and I need some help strategizing and getting the tools to be better when we're apart. My job has been traveling all over the state, out of state for surprise trips of a day at a time up to a week of a time. I've got conferences all across the country and classes that I have to take all over the place. And whenever we spend time apart, it's difficult. I mean, she's great. And I think she thinks that I'm pretty great, too. And we talk a lot, but sometimes it's hard for me to focus on my job. Sometimes it's, you know, just lonely being in a hotel room looking at the ceiling.
Starting point is 00:35:16 Are there ways that we can or are there things that we can do to make the most and really, you know, try and get through these times? I hate feeling like i'm just you know having to trudge through is there a way that we can make this time better when we're apart man that's an awesome question i appreciate that um let's think through that together first what kind of work do you do i'm in cyber security cyber security and so even with the shutdown this year they've had you traveling all over and still attending things and learning things and being in people's drawers and whatnot. Less than usual. I work a lot with the cameras and door won't close or door won't open part of it.
Starting point is 00:35:57 So, you know, if the door won't close, I got to go out there and close the door. Gotcha. Okay. And tell me about this lovely wife of yours. Does she vocalize that she doesn't like your job? Do you just sense it on her? No. What's her opinion? She doesn't like my job. It's much more of a distance thing.
Starting point is 00:36:24 What is it about this job that makes you want to keep this gig i i i love it okay i like from the bot like it's what i'm supposed to be doing ever since i was a little kid i would you know be eating waffles in the morning and getting on the computer and learning like this is it's it's a dream job. What's the dream part about it? The cybersecurity part of it, the internet's part of it, solving problems part of it. What's the dream job part of it? It's the solving problems.
Starting point is 00:36:55 And, you know, sometimes it's more difficult for me to say that than others when you're just a little bit, you know, deep into the problems. But, man, I just love it. It's a calling. I'd like to help people, and I like to get online and fix problems and work through stuff and be able to provide solutions to people immediately
Starting point is 00:37:18 and seeing that immediate result. It feels really, really good, and I'd like to think that I'm okay at it i get paid to do it at least yeah so i'm gonna tell you something hard that i just heard okay when you were first called and you were talking about your marriage and your wife and she's you love her and she's good you said all the right things. You said all the right things that were good and noble. And then when you talked about your job, you came alive. Is that indicative of your relationship?
Starting point is 00:38:00 I don't think so. Okay. I'll be honest with you. It's easy for me to get chatty about my job. I'm pretty close to the chest about my relationship same thing. It's hard for me to reach out to somebody and ask them, I've got this issue and how am I supposed to address it? I'm used to just fixing things as I go and knowing the solution and just making it happen. Right.
Starting point is 00:38:36 So at the end of the day, you talk about your job as your calling, something you've wanted since you were a little kid. And I want you to put that same sort of existential weight on your marriage and specifically that woman that you promised yourself to for the rest of your life. And so I want you to have very clear in your heart and mind that if it ever comes to a point that you've got to choose between the two, that's going to be a difficult but clear-cut decision, and that will fall to your wife. And I want you to start there because anything else is going to be strategy, and marriage can't survive on strategy. Strategy is a part of it, right? So you're calling and saying, what can I do in a hotel? Well, man, they've got FaceTime. They've got all kinds of mutual games. They got all kinds of stuff you can do.
Starting point is 00:39:38 But at the end of the day, your wife has to feel as valuable as this job is. And maybe she does. She has to feel as though not only is your job a calling, something you've thought about since you were a kid, but that she is your purpose. She is why you get up and will get up in the middle of the night and catch a 4 a.m. flight to go fix a door. Right? Yeah. She is. And I can't shake the fact, John, that it sounds like there's a values misalignment here. Okay? She has permission to struggle with you being gone the same as you have permission to struggle being gone.
Starting point is 00:40:22 What it sounds like you all need to do is get in a room together. Maybe you all have already done this, but get in a room together and talk openly about what this job, what the travel is costing you, and maybe nothing. Maybe it's just some frustration, it's annoying, right? It's just, man, I'm gone a lot and I'm struggling with it. Or maybe it's way deeper than you think. Maybe if you sit down with her and y'all start going through, she's going to open up to you in a way that's going to be really hard. Or maybe this shutdown, you've traveled less and you've realized, this is my calling. I love this job. I love problem solving. I love doing on the interwebs. But man, I love being around my wife. I haven't been around her this much ever.
Starting point is 00:41:09 And I love it. And the thought of getting back on the road is starting to make me real uncomfortable. And what I'll tell you, John, is millions of people are reconsidering their profession and their quote unquote calling. I work with some of the best IT folks on planet Earth, and they go home every day at 5 o'clock. And they make great money, and they work their butts off, and we are recruiting them all of the time. And so I'm telling you, there are security jobs, there are IT jobs, there are Internet jobs that don't always require hopping on a plane
Starting point is 00:41:42 and heading off and solving that sort of problem. There may be that you are going to find a job that's different than the one you have, but in a similar field that still feels like the calling is still meeting that need with you. In terms of things you can do, man, it's all about intentionality. It's knowing what is your wife missing when you're gone besides your physical presence. It could be a, you're always writing letters to one another that you can hold and tangibly touch, that you have some rules and regulations, and I say rules loosely. You're invited to one another that you're always going to step out of whatever meeting you are at these intervals throughout a day and talk to each other
Starting point is 00:42:23 on FaceTime. You're going to make sure you FaceTime each other, watch a movie together at night. All of this is a distant second and third and fourth to actually being in the same room together. But again, it's just strategies. I actually like the idea of watching a movie together with the other person on FaceTime, even though it's kind of weird. But who knows, man? But it starts with you guys sitting down and figuring it out. Again, I don't want to keep circling back and saying the same thing over and over, John, but there's something else here that we could talk about for hours and hours that sounds like there's a disconnect between you and your wife and this
Starting point is 00:43:01 spiritual calling you have with your work. So tonight I want you to turn all the electronics off in the house. I want you to sit down with your wife and I want you to have a hard conversation with her. Maybe not a hard one, but a direct one, an open one, everything on the table conversation about how much you love her, about how much you love spending time with her. And I want you to ask her to be vulnerable with you about how she feels about you traveling. How she feels about you being gone. How she feels about you being home more this season. And then come up with a plan together.
Starting point is 00:43:35 Co-create a plan together of what travel is going to look like. What distance is going to look like. And is this actually the right job for you long term because man you may have been called to this job but you promised that young woman you for the rest of your life right so thank you so much for that call john from springfield missouri he said it right and i love it as we wrap up man it's one of my favorite songs of all time. I still randomly find myself singing this when I'm walking down the street, when I'm just taking out the trash. This song just pops in my head.
Starting point is 00:44:14 When I was a kid, I used to listen to it on a cassette player. You had to hit record and play at the same time when it came on the radio, kids. And you had to record it on a blank cassette tape, said the 900-year-old man. And I used to record this song off the radio and play it over and over and over again. And it's off the 1989 Pump album by one of the legendary bands, Aerosmith. Steven Tyler and company sing this classic song, What It Takes. And it goes like this. There goes my old girlfriend.
Starting point is 00:44:49 There's another diamond ring. And all those late night promises, I guess they don't mean a thing. And so baby, what's the story? Did you find another man? Is it as easy as sleep in the bed that we made? When you don't look back, I guess the feeling starts to fade away. I used to feel your fire, but now it's cold inside and you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat.
Starting point is 00:45:10 Yeah. So tell me what it takes to let you go. Tell me how the pain's supposed to go. Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice. Tell me what it takes to let you go. Tell me what it takes to let you go. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.

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