The Dr. John Delony Show - Are My Weight Issues a Response to Trauma?

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Today, we hear from: - A woman stuck in a toxic cycle with her weight. - A husband seeking to better support his anxious wife. - A wife feeling led to move her family in with her recently widowed father. Lyrics of the Day: "Mona Lisas And Mad Hatters" - Elton John  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My wife is a self-diagnosed hypochondriac. Her dad died of brain cancer. Her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. In the years past, her grandfather had throat cancer and her grandmother has COPD. This is the demon of anxiety. It's kind of right.

What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney's show, the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast that's ever existed. I'm just telling you, man, if we just keep saying it over and over, it's going to become true. So glad that you've joined us. If you want to be on this show, let me know what's going on in your life. If you've got trauma you've got to deal with, you've got parenting issues, you've got problems with your kids' schools, what's going on at your universities with your kids,

whatever's going on in your life, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go to Rhea in Alberta, Canada. What's up, Rhea? Good morning. Thank you for having me on, Dr. John. Of course.

How are you? You sound so lovely. I am well, thank you. So my issue is weight. I got to give you a little background. I have been a Dave Ramsey follower since 2007. I saw him at an event in 2007 in Salt Lake City, and I kind of have been on the program ever since. One time I had a fall off, but I got back on.

Hey, way to go, sir. Have you paid off? You don't owe anybody any money? None. Wow, way to go. Yeah, house paid off, got investments. You don't have a house payment? No house payment, no house payment, no credit card, nothing.

Hey, to people listening to the show, there's a big chunk of our listeners that don't know what the Dave Ramsey program. Tell them what it feels like to not have a house payment. You got inflation. You got Christmas coming up. I know. Tell them what that feels like.

I sleep at night. Yeah, because you know, like, oh, gas is more expensive. It's annoying. It's not a choice between gas or food, right? Yeah. Wow. It is. And you know what?

Sometimes, I mean, this Christmas is going to be a little tight. Yeah. But, you know, so I'm 75. I've got five kids, 14 grandkids, but, um, they all know that grandma is not going to be a cash cow this, this year.

And I just kind of live with, live within my means. That means you, you've also over the years of paying all your debts off, you've also learned how to have hard conversation, not hard conversation, but just direct conversations, right?

Yeah. Ah, so great. You're incredible, Ria. So how can I help you? you've also learned how to have hard conversation, not hard conversation, but just direct conversations, right? Yeah. So great. You're incredible, Ria. So how can I help you? You mentioned weight. How can I help you? Yeah. So, you know, since I was about 12, went into puberty, I grew up on a farm. I was the oldest one in the family. So I helped with farm chores. I was always kind of a stock your build, like, you know, not real slim, trim, 100 pound. My frame is not small.

And so I always grew up kind of with low self-esteem. I mean, I was 127 pounds for all of high school, where all the other girls were 115. Like that, you know. So I think my mom was overweight my grandmas were not hold on hold on hold on did were people ugly to you or was this something in your mind were people mean to you no i think maybe it was in my mind okay and i was saying your mind like you're not crazy or anything like that, but the difference between 115 and 127 is not a great, it's not a significant gap, right? No. But maybe to a 14 year old it is. So I'm not trying to minimize it. What I'm trying to get at is, was this something you sensed in yourself? Or were people making fun of you?

Were they laughing at you? Was your mom always making comments? Was your mom always on a diet and your dad making comments about her and you absorbed some of that? That's what I'm getting at. Yeah, my mom was always on a diet. Absolutely. I don't think my dad ever made a comment. I don't think my dad ever made a comment. I don't think so.

Okay. But your mom was always talking about weight and was always on a diet and partitioned a pear tree. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So you're 75. You've had a remarkable life.

You've got grandkids, your own kids, and here we are. And, you know, I'm really, I mean, I've had some hard stuff. My oldest daughter passed away when she was 15 from cancer. It was not diagnosed properly, and she passed away. My husband died in a car accident. You know, I did go for counseling after a number of deaths in the family. I did go for counseling after, after, you know, a number of deaths in the family, I did go for counseling a couple of different times, but it was more grief counseling. And it was,

it was astounding how much good that did. Um, I tried to go back with the same, well, it was two different counselors actually did two different times. I tried to go back and talk with them about the weight because I still think I have that self-esteem issue. In fact, I know I do. But bottom line, they are so busy that an issue of what I'd like to lose is about 30 pounds, maybe a little bit more.

But it's just enough to make me fluffy instead of streamlined. And I want to be streamlined because that's, I will feel better about Rhea. So. So. I had a gastroplasty and it partially helped. Yeah. Okay.

How much did you lose after that? About 60 pounds. Okay. And have you maintained it? No. Okay. So it came back plus or did it come back about level? About level.

No, no, no. I was 240. I'm 180. And I'd like to get down to about 150. Okay. So you're still down significantly. Oh, absolutely. Okay. All 150. Okay. So you're still down significantly. Oh yeah, absolutely. Okay. All right. Okay. So there's a lot to unpack here and I'm going to try to do it in as digestible. I was going to say bite size and then I was going to say digestible and I don't want to make food

references. They were just from what was coming out okay um i'm gonna try to make this um as simple as possible is that cool perfect thank you um i could talk nerd all day we could call some x like we could talk nerd all day let's get to the meat and potatoes here and again there's yet another food reference sorry about that so um there's a an extraordinary man who is also a great actor. His name is Ethan Supley. And he in the world on nutrition and weight loss and building muscle and taking care of your body. He told me that Ethan one time said this. When the house is on fire, that's not the time to try to figure out why the house is burning. Like, where did the fire start? Why did it start?

When the house is on fire, we just need to get out. Let's just get out of the house. And then when the fire has burned itself out, then we send in the arson investigators, the engineers, the whoever, to go in and then to figure it out so that it doesn't happen again right yep so similarly you can and you've done the work you've thought through this a lot about where did this idea that ria is less than where did that start yeah and you've you've pinpointed it as a 12 year old little girl working on a farm that you were a little bit bigger than the other girls in your class and that that may just feel outside of the bounds a little bit.

My guess is it's deeper than that. And also my guess is at this point at 75, doesn't matter. Okay? Let's do the things that we know are going to help. And I'm going to tell you all that with one giant caveat. Okay. And this is a hard caveat. If you lost 30 pounds in the next 30 days, you know who would be there?

Rhea. True. And if you lost 50 pounds pounds Rhea goes with you too gotcha and so I want to promise you that you'll feel that you'll see that number on the scale and you'll feel so proud

and good for a minute and then you'll look at Rhea and until you make peace and love her regardless of what that scale says, you're going to be chasing ghosts. Okay. Okay? The Rhea I've got to talk to today is incredible.

You've been through hell and back a bunch of times. You grew up in Canada, for God's sake. I grew up in Texas, and they told us at church hell was hot. I don't believe that. I think it's cold, and Canada sounds a lot, right? You've been through so much, and you can sit back and look at your family, and you're going to have a house full of knuckleheaded little grandkids in a couple of weeks. You've been a part of changing your family tree

and changing your family legacy. And as an outsider, I see a lot of reasons to love Rhea. She's an impressive woman. Okay? So the first thing I want you to do before we do anything else, we get off the phone over the next couple of days, is I want you to write a letter

to that 12-year-old little Ria. I want you to tell Ria what you think of her. I'm going to ask you to be really kind to that 12-year-old little girl because you wouldn't talk to her the same way you talk to grown-up Ria, would you? No. Nope. That little 127 pound 12 year old girl

was beautiful was a hard worker was probably hilarious and probably had to deal with some of her mom's demons too right yes

and that 12 year old little girl you know what she deserves to look in the mirror and just smile from ear to ear and be absolutely in love with herself because she's beautiful

and she's fun and she's silly and she's goofy and she doesn from ear to ear and be absolutely in love with herself because she's beautiful and she's fun and she's silly and she's goofy and she doesn't need to absorb mom's weight issues and mom's personal struggles and mom's trauma that she endured as a young girl and all that. But here we are. So I want you to write 12-year-old Rhea a letter.

Tell her that you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Let her off the hook Okay Yes Alright so that's step number one Step number two Is we're gonna focus on

We're gonna practice in this upcoming new year On a new identity You are not Rhea the overweight lady You are gonna be Rhea The woman who's a good steward of her body. Okay? Let's pretend you got 25 years left. I'm a good steward of my body.

I'm going to take care of it. That means I'm going to move. I'm going to exercise some. I want to be able to, when I'm 85, to kick my grandkids' little booty all over the living room floor when we wrestle. That's what we're aiming for, okay? So we are going to become a good steward of our body. That's our identity. Not we're fat and we have to get smaller so that we can finally love who we are. That's not going to work. We're going to become a steward of our body.

And if we are a good steward of our body our weight will take care of itself Okay Yeah, so I want you to spend some time over the next couple weeks before the new year rolls over Asking yourself what's going to make me a good steward of my body? And let me tell you, uh, we're going to get through some of the details down here, but this is important This last weekend my church had a potluck. I love potlucks. Y'all have those in Canada? Absolutely. Oh, man. And my favorite part of the church potluck is the card table full of desserts.

And because I've got a great friend in Dr. Lane Norton who has been really direct with me and been a real blessing to me. You know what I did? I went in at lunch and I had my lunch and I annihilated that dessert table. At one point, I sat down and my wife looked at me and her eyes got big and I said, I'm making poor choices and I know. And she said, okay, just wanted to make sure you were conscious And At dinner I had a small omelet Because, like a budget, I'd spent my money at lunch

I didn't save it for dinner And you know what, the next day I was down 1.2 pounds Okay So I want to tell you that sometimes being a good steward of your body is just having a great day. Okay? It's not always

torture and it's not restriction all the time and it's not hatred. As my friend Sal over at MindPump said, you can't hate your body into making it looking better. That's not sustainable. It's like hating your husband into loving you more. That just doesn't work.

Okay? So, we're going to start with a new identity. We're going to be a good steward of our bodies for as long as we've got it left. Okay? Here's the second thing. Awareness and intentionality. There's a gap between stimulus and response between all of a sudden I miss my husband, or when your daughter's birthday rolls around and you miss her, or one of your grandkids calls and says, Granny, I got a C instead of an A.

And your default sitting might be to grab a cookie or to go to the store or to get a large Coke and pour the whole right. All we're looking for. That's an absolute default. Okay. So here's what we're doing. We're just going to look for the, get some space, just a gap between that initial feeling. And I'm reaching for it last night as I'm learning learning this i'm practicing this right along with you Okay, i'm no i'm not obese. I'm not struggling, but I am trying to get control of my intentionality Yesterday I was on the phone having a conversation on the way out the door. I grabbed off my boss's desk He's got a bowl of candy. I grabbed a box of the milk duds And I started walking out and just before I opened them, I had that space and I

set them down on his admin's desk. So I carried them for about 15 feet. And it was just a gap between stimulus and response between I'm having a hard conversation. I picked these up. I don't want these. I'm going to set these down. Okay. That's what we're looking for. Just a gap. A big part of that is tracking. Okay. And so here's a cool thing. My friend, Dr. Lane Norton has what I think has been a blessing to me. My friends are on all using it now. Um, it's the single best tracking app for what we eat in the world. It's called Carbon, C-A-R-B-O-N. And he is going to gift you a lifetime membership. You can have it forever. Okay. So I want you to hang on the line. I want to thank Dr. Norton. It's been a blessing to me. And I called him last night and said, would you be willing to gift this? It's been such a blessing to me to this caller I've got tomorrow got tomorrow. And he said, absolutely. Um, and so you'll stay on the line. We'll get your

contact info. And it's just an app that you log into and it tracks your protein and your calories. It just, it helps you be intentional about what you've eaten over the course of a day. And I thought I was eating about a thousand calories less than I actually was. And so there's been a few weeks, a few months where I've had to learn like, I'm not starving. I'm not hungry. I'm just used to this space being filled up with gummy candies and milk duds, right? Yes, yes. And I just have to feel what that feels like.

Ah, feels good. Or it feels not great, but I'll be all right. See what I'm saying? Yes. It's the single best weight loss app. Not even weight loss app. It's a coaching app. And it's incredible,

but I'm going to give it to you, okay? You put on your smartphone and you can just carry it around with you. And it's going to be something that you practice with, okay? And you're going to have to come up with, here's number three, some sort of restriction

that you can live with. Some do vegan. Some do keto. Some do what – I don't care what it is. But at some point, you're going to have to say, I'm through – I spent my money for today. And money is just calories, right? I've spent them for the day. And so I had a humongous breakfast full of pancakes and bacon.

Cool. I'm going to have a really light, light dinner. I'm going to go for a walk. Right? Because I spent my money today. It's just like a budget except it's calories. Okay? And then the final one is a part of our stewardship of our bodies.

We're going to move. Whether that's exercise, whether that's going to the local YMCA, whether that's getting in one of those swim, those like water aerobics group, whatever that is. I'm just going to commit to movement. It might be me walking around my yard. Okay. Yeah. I love to walk when there's no ice.

Yeah. Don't go walking in the ice. My kids gave me a bike. No, my kids gave me a recumbent bike two years ago for Christmas. Oh, great. So I've got no excuse. There you go. Hey, watch got no excuse. There you go. Hey, watch your favorite show.

There we go. Put it on there. Which is Dr. Deloney, right? I mean, that's going to make you pedal really slow. It's kind of, it'll put you to sleep. All right, here's the last, last thing. I'm going to let you go, okay? Okay.

The last thing is I want you to write a 75-year-old Rio letter. And I want you to tell 75-year-old Rio how proud of her you are, how much you love her. I want you to be, hug that woman for the hard stuff

she's been through. Hug that woman for the great stuff she's, for the hard choices she's had to make over the years, for the, her ability to pay off all her debts and have hard conversations with her kids. I want you to write 75-year-old Rio

a letter and remind her that she's not a failure. Her whole life hasn't been a sham. She hasn't screwed up everything. She's a really cool lady. Thank you. Is that cool? cool yes it is alright I am I cannot be more grateful for you thank you for calling for sharing your journey with us

thank you for being brave thank you for letting that 12 year old little girl go play for the first time in a long time and thank you for loving

my friend 75 year old me and big shout out to Dr. Lane Norton and his team, like the incredible Carbon app. Go check it out wherever you get apps. It's worth it if you're thinking about losing weight in the upcoming year

or you want to start lifting weights more, whatever your goals are, check it out, Carbon. And by the way, I have no financial affiliation in this thing at all. None, zero. I make $0 off of this thing. I just use it personally and I believe in it in a deep and profound way. Rhea, you're awesome. Everybody will be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as

Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be

for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Paul in Welcome to Miami.

What's up, Paul? Hey, how you doing, Dr. John? I'm good, man. What's up? Oh, not much. Living a Jimmy Buffett day and relaxing at home. Cheeseburger in paradise, baby. That's right, that's right.

So what's up? Thank you for taking my call. You got it. Um, I'm calling because my wife is a self-diagnosed hypochondriac. I love you and I'm sure your wife is awesome, but I think we can all agree that self-diagnosed hypochondriacs. Whoa. And she also states she loves going to the doctor. Oh, gosh. And hey, here's what... I'm saying, oh, gosh, not because she's dumb or a moron or somehow less than.

I'm saying, oh, gosh, because I know how hard this is in your home. And I know how miserable it is for her and how miserable it is for you. Y'all got little ones too? Nope, no little ones, not yet. But plans for the future. Okay. So she's got health anxieties. Fair?

Yes. Yeah, health anxieties. She does have general anxieties as well. She gave me a list of active worries that she has. Okay. And then you always say to lead with the big things, so I could do both of those if you like. Go for it. So to caveat, she does say this started at a young age, this self-diagnosed hypochondriac.

Sure. But her active worries are all forms of cancer, heart failure, blood clots, brain aneurysms, COVID, any lung or heart issues from COVID, and pneumonia, to name a few. Cool. And the big things are, three years ago, her dad died of brain cancer. Okay. This past year, her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer okay um in the years past her grandfather had throat cancer okay and her grandmother has copd okay so um this is the the demon of anxiety is uh it's kind of right.

Right. Right. So I don't want to parse apart health anxiety versus generalized anxiety. I think that can be an academic waste of most of our time.

Okay. Your wife struggles from anxiety. I've been there. It's debilitating. It's hard. It messes up stuff. One of the things we've seen in the medical community over the last 15 or 20 years is an

increase of people with pain disorders and who are struggling from like, I think, oh, I think my heart rate is racing. I need to go to the doctor. Because often that's the only place where somebody stops what they're doing and puts their phone down and looks at them in the eye for 15 minutes or gently touches their skin, takes their blood pressure, right? It's much more about human interaction or it's as much about human interaction as it is about the diagnostic, okay? That's a body screaming for connectivity. So she grew up as an anxious kid. Where did that come from? Mom, dad, who?

Well, from what she's told me, she did have, in my own opinion, some significant trauma through childhood. She was sexually abused by an older sibling. I know you've talked about screaming a lot for children, and she was in a household with a lot of screaming. And she's never been very close with her mom. Okay. So she's got a lot in that sweet little body of hers. Okay. And the manifestation is some people dig holes in the ground and create underground bunkers. And some people hoard things and protect themselves with stuff.

And some people respond to anxiety by shutting the, drawing the shades in and get under the covers and Netflixing themselves to death. I tried to solve my anxiety with information and so it's really cool to tell people i've got two phds it's also a trauma response okay it was me trying to prove that i was smart and it was me trying to get more data and more data and more data and more data she happens to try to solve her anxiety from being uh over the top in tune with her physiological functions to the point that she's lost perspective and she seeks the comfort of somebody she views as wise and someone who finds value in her, which is a medical professional or a nurse or a doctor, right? Sure. Okay. So she's going to have to decide. This is a person who, if I say, I want you to write your fears down and then demand evidence from them, when you are in the throes of deep anxiety, she's got all the evidence she needs.

Every one of her family members has died of cancer or has cancer. Right. So she's got all the data she needs. Yeah. Well, we've talked about that exact cause cause we listened to you every day. And so we've talked about that as a team together and she says, well,

I can find the evidence. That's right. So I'm going to go back to, um, something my buddy Todd told me. And I've mentioned on this show, and I'll mention it again because it was such a shapeshifter for me. It might not be helpful for anybody else. But one of my deep worries was the implosion of the financial system.

I didn't understand it. I still don't understand it. But I didn't especially understand it then. And it didn't make sense to me and things that didn't make sense to me were a threat to me. And then I start trying to solve things that didn't make sense to me. And that's even makes even less sense because I don't even know how it works. I'm trying to solve something. I don't know how it works, but I was sitting down with him grilling him one day. And here's the other thing. I'm not dumb. And here's the other

thing. We were in the middle of a – it was 2009, 2010. During the middle of the madness. So I had all the evidence I need. This whole thing is going down. This whole thing is a sham. This whole thing is on a house of cards. And we were going through this thing and this thing. I was like, what about this?

What if this happens? What if this happens? And then finally he said, oh, dude, I don't have a meteorite plan. And I was like, what do you mean? And he said, well, I do all the things I know to do right now which I carry no household consumer debt he paid his house off I have this and I've got an emergency fund and I don't have any debt on my cars and I put money in retirement here and I've got a couple of rent houses over here and then if the monetary system goes away I'll deal with that when it happens. And for some reason,

it was a light bulb moment for me because I wasn't taking care of all the other things that I actually could control. I was just trying to catch a spaceship, which I couldn't do. And so I channeled my energy over time. I had to learn how to do this into, all right, well, I guess I'll go see a counselor. And I guess I will start hanging out with my friends again because I need relationships. And I guess I'll get my debts paid off because I know that you can't be non-anxious if you owe people money because your brain's screaming at you. You're not safe. You're not safe. You're not safe. So I started taking care of the little things and it was amazing how the big stuff kind of evaporated. And here's what I mean in my house.

I got a family history of cancers. I got a family history of heart stuff. Some of it I didn't even know about until recently. And so I get my blood taken every year by a great doctor, Dr. Vickery. And we go through it and it's expensive. We go through the whole thing and he does an incredible job. My wife does too. And I take really good care of myself best I can, unless I'm having a gummy candy day. And so I'm doing all the things that I know to do. And then I'm going to, if I get throat cancer, I get throat cancer. You know what I mean? I don't have a meteorite plan for that after I'm going to do the things that I'm going to be intentional about longevity. So here's what I'm telling you.

She's going to have to choose to be less miserable in the present, not rehearsing tragedy for a thing that may happen someday. Sure. Right. And, and I think it comes down, I think some of it might be a control thing as well. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, control thing as well no no no no hey i wouldn't go there i wouldn't go

there it is but you're talking about a little girl who was sexually abused and that little girl's still in there so yes she is trying to seek control of something because the things that were supposed to love her the most her brother her mom and dad they didn't show up. So yeah, she's trying to control everything. I think my question would come to how to be a good husband. There we go. When she brings up a concern, because I think I've gone through different, I don't know, ways of trying to support her best. And now I'm just wondering is if she comes with a concern, a health concern,

a very specific health concern, what's the best way I could support? Because right now what it is is if she brings a very specific health concern, I'll say, okay, well, why don't we go to a specific doctor and we can get that checked out? But I'm not sure if that is a long-term solution. No, because that becomes self-reinforcing. Meaning she gets anxious, she gets anxious, she gets anxious. Y'all both go do a thing that you know is really not a good use of medical resources, of the doctor's time, and of y'all's time and money. But you're going to go do it because it's going to make her feel better right this moment. And what it does is it reinforces the anxiety that the way to feel better is to go do this thing and then so your body see what i'm saying it starts a loop that your body's going

to start seeking out these things every time sure and so when i say the only way to heal is through it it's to oh i just woke up and i think i'm i think i'm having fill in the blank sure right and since we've already got a blood test we're going to get a baseline test since we've already just woke up and I think I'm, I think I'm having fill in the blank. Sure. Right. And since we've already got a blood test, we're going to get a baseline test since we've already got a cancer screening, since we've already done an echo, an echo cardiogram. So, and I am suggesting go get a good baseline, like getting great blood to get a good baseline. Sure. So that, um, when the field, I think this thing you can roll back to oh we just

like 60 days ago we got this great baseline here yeah yeah and we do we do annual physicals great

and it came up to where maybe a month ago she said well that's been six or eight months ago you know things can change

and so it's kind of it's kind of like you would like to go again. That's right. And so those are the moments we're going to breathe in. We're going to head right into the storm, meaning we're going to feel that anxiousness. We're going to know that our bodies are okay. We're going to hold loosely a meteorite that might be coming. You're right. We could have had 10 years of great blood tests.

And then you got eight, seven, eight months. And then, bam, stage four throat cancer. Right. Right? I'm not a cancer doctor. Sure. But that's, you recognize,

she recognizes how unlikely that is, right? Yeah, she does. And I've always said, you know, at any point, if you want me to

help you find a therapist, I'm happy to, but I know I can't push her into it. I know that from listening to you, it has to be a decision she has to come to on her own.

Right. And so what we need to do is when she's not anxious, we need to come up with a game plan that y'all are both going to shake hands and agree on. Because just running to specialist to specialist for the rest of her life is going to become cost prohibitive. And it really is taking resources from somebody else who needs to be there. And we don't want to blow over if she actually is having an incident. She does have an increased risk for cancer because she's got it

in all of her family members. She does possibly have an increased risk for fill in the blank. So sit down with somebody and map that out. And I definitely think seeing a counselor is important. I think if she won't go, then you go on your own. And if she asks you, are you going? Tell her, I want to learn some better tools on how to relationally connect with somebody

who's struggling so deeply from anxiety. Okay. What you're going to be tempted to do is to create a universe on your own. A world that's not crazy. A world that's a little more stable. And what she's going to do is feel you by degrees. One degree, two degree, three degree.

She's going to feel you pulling away and that's going to spark up the anxiety even more. Sure. Okay. So when you say what's the greatest thing you can do, I can tell you don't try to solve her as though she's like an engine issue. Lean in relationally and you'll have to have already planned out what that looks like. When she comes to you and says, I think I'm having a stroke, already have planned out.

All right, let's hold hands, both of them. I'll stop what I'm doing. I'm closing all the screens. I'm turning the game off, even though it's the fourth quarter, there's only two minutes left. I'm going to lean into this relationship. So we're going to breathe together. I'm going to connect with you together. And then once our breathing's under control, then we're going to walk through, okay, what are the three things? Or we're going to go for a walk right now. And while we're walking, we're going to take five minutes of just doing box breathing while we're walking. And then after minute five,

we'll talk through symptoms. Tell me why you think, let's be curious. Tell me why you think you're having a stroke. Yeah. Right? And we're just going to practice that. But listen, you're right on. She's got to decide.

I want to be less anxious. I want to heal from my anxiety, my health anxiety. And geez, don't diagnose yourself as hypochondriac, please. That's so hard. Don't give yourself yet another label, yet another diagnosis. Body's trying to keep you safe. It has been for a long time. And to your,

to your wife, Paul, I'm sorry that her family didn't show up for her. Her family hurt her. And she's lucky to have you, a guy that loves her so much. So we're going to have some anxiety healing and some trauma healing and some practicing some new behaviors

To your sweet wife she's watching this you deserve to be well and you deserve to be loved you deserve to stop Feeling like your body's failing The people in your life they did they failed you they abused you they hurt you Screamed at you made it your fault But failed you, they abused you, they hurt you, screamed at you, made it your fault. But you're good and you're whole and you're worth being well. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to, all right, so we got a husband and wife. Are they husband and wife? Yes. Okay. So I'm going to bring them both on. This is scary for me.

Alright, let's take... First we're going to go to Faith because you got to have faith, faith, faith. What's up, Faith? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking our call. Of course. Alright, hang on. I'm going to bring in the mighty PHIL, Phil. Is that cool?

Yeah. All right. Phil, you there? I am. How's it going? Are you all in the same house? I'm great. Are you all in the same house?

We are, yep. Oh, this is incredible. Okay. At some point, one of you will have to say something really mean about the other one, but you can't do anything. You're all in the same house. That's awesome. Okay. So some point, one of y'all has to say something really mean about the other one, but you can't do anything. It's awesome. Okay. So what's up?

What's up? Hey. Okay. So this is going to take a little backstory, but I'll just jump off with our question. We are wondering how can we develop and set healthy boundaries to protect our marriage and family as we consider moving in with my dad and my siblings still at home. Okay, tell me more. Okay.

So a year ago, actually January of 2021, we got some devastating news that my mom had esophageal cancer. We thought there was hope and she went through treatment, but November of 2021, we lost her. And it was just an awful year. So my parents had adopted, they have eight children, four biological. I'm the second oldest. And then four adopted. And of the eight kids, there are still three at home. My 18-year-old brother, 10-year-old sister, and 11-year-old brother. Whoa. Okay, so they're still like in it. year old brother, a 10 year old sister and 11 year old brother.

Whoa. Okay. So they're still like, I mean, your dad's still, he's still full of full contact parenting. Okay. Yes. A hundred percent. Um, and my little brother has a lot of, um, needs. He is paralyzed from the waist down and just very immunocompromised. He's doing better as he's gotten older, but a lot of physical needs and emotional trauma and anger and then add on the grief of losing your mom. So then the sister is doing okay, but the 18-year-old brother is also really hurting and exhibiting those behaviors. And then my dad struggles with bipolar disorder. Growing up, he really did a great job of coping with it as a dad and just having, handling it well.

But my mom was his big support. And so now she's gone. And so in this last year, my husband and I, we also have a little boy. And then we're expecting a baby. Congratulations. Because why not? Y'all should get a puppy too. Might as well. Might as well.

Just throw it all in. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, so we have been the siblings that have been in a place of able to help, wanting to help. What does that mean? Like, y'all have stable jobs, you've got income, y'all are the only couple that's married and likes each other. Like, what is you're able to help? What does that mean? Okay.

So we, I am a stay-at-home mama. Okay. Phil and then Phil now works from home. His job just transferred. So he works full-time in his office, but he's home with us. And two days a week, we have the kids over here after school. So I guess when I say we're the only ones able, I have an adult brother who lives at home, but he is also working full time and seeking to move forward with his own life. And then I have an adult sister who's married and has a baby, but they are just very consumed with their own family and jobs and boundaries.

Very nicely. Very nicely. You have said your other siblings want nothing to do with this mess. And you have transposed on yourself as we're the only ones who are able to, as you're the only ones who will. Can we call that, is that fair? I know you don't like to talk bad about people. I can tell it in your voice. You are the sweetest person on planet Earth, but that's the truth, right? Right. Yes. Okay, there your voice. You are the sweetest person on planet Earth, but that's the truth, right? Right. Yes.

Okay. There we go. There she is. All right. So your siblings have left the building, and it's just you, and you're watching your dad slowly get pulled underwater, and you're watching these little kids slowly have to deal with the their bipolar dad and the death of their mother and yeah and the adoption stuff which is hard on kids all of it all at the same time and so you and your husband you and phil have decided we're gonna

move in we're gonna move our infant and our young kid into this house and we're going to help. Yeah. Listen, none of that is bad. I'm not saying don't do that. I just want to be like really clear about it. Here's what we're saying is going to be the solution to this. Okay. And I do want to say to my brother who lives at home,

he has recognized like, hey, there's probably more ways that I could support. And he's actually the one that is a valid, a faithful listener to you. It's like, you need to start listening. And so I did. And then I decided to email. And here we are.

Here we are. That's right. All right. So what is looking like moving in? Like moving in. What does that look like? Phil, I haven't heard from you. You're being intelligently quiet right now.

I try my best. It's kept me safe. Well, keep you safe so walk me through what you have experienced yeah so about a year ago

when our mom when she initially passed away the idea had come up about possibly moving in to just help around the house. And it was immediately shot down. We had zero interest. Um, at that point, who brought it up? Um, I think faith might've, and then just other people, um, in our life had kind of like mentioned the idea. Okay. Um, but at the time we just kind of shot it down. Our son was, um, five, six months old at the time.

Um, and it just, we just didn't think it'd be good at the time. Um, a couple months ago now, um, the idea kind of resurfaced. We had some other, uh, people we look up to in our lives, kind of bring up the idea again, uh, especially kind of after reviewing the year and kind of hoping, you know, things would progress. We would start to move forward. Um, as far as her dad's household is concerned. Um, and we just continue to see kind of the same issues, um, and things going on the most, the most recent of which being um that the 18 year old brother who was still living at home has actually moved in with us

um and uh just him and dad had a bit of a falling out and um the dad actually approached us um and asked if you know and said hey you, it's not working at home right now. And we just kind of decided, Faith and I, to take him in. So ultimately, yeah, let's do this. Let's drill down. How can I best help? Sure. So I think the biggest thing is we understand, I, we, we've prayed a lot about it and truly feel

God leading towards it. Um, that, that moving in, um, to their house is one of the best ways we can help and is, is what God's leading us to. So with that, um, we know that, um, it can be very easy for tension to arise, um, for miscommunications to happen. And so what Faith and I are really seeking to do is figure out the best, how to clearly communicate and what boundaries we need to have in place to make sure that we're maintaining our own family, because that has to be our number one priority, but also to helping their family in the best way that we can. All right. Excellent. All right. So I'll run through these and I'm writing them down real quick. All right. So the first and most important thing here is none of this works if your marriage falls apart. So cornerstone number one is you and Faith.

Faith, you're there. Y'all two getting somewhere. No kids, except for the one that you're in the oven now. And deciding what kind of marriage we're going to have. And I would recommend be real, real specific. We will go on. Obviously, you're about to have and i would recommend be real real specific we will go on a obviously about to have a newborn so that just throws all this into a blender but we will go on dates like this this many times a week um after we are back to sleeping together we're going to have sex this many times a week and so this is what we're going to have to do to make that a reality we are um here's how our finances are

going to be separate from this endeavor we're taking on here's who's going to do laundry here's who's going to do x and y see what i'm saying we are going to be really crystal clear he's going to shop really crystal clear about our retirement our saving for our kids college because it's real easy for this whole thing to get real blurred together and suddenly phil you're arguing with her about her dad but suddenly you're defending this 11-year-old who made her mad, and she spent money over here to buy groceries for everybody. And you see what I'm saying? You wake up in 10 years, and y'all are – everything's in ash. See what I'm saying?

So the first conversation is marriage has to go first. The second thing is you said it great. How are we going to protect our nuclear family inside of this thing? Because you have an infant and you're about to have a newborn. And infants and newborns need naps and they need sleep. And y'all are going to be up all night, all night. And sitter that's going to help out. Even though I'm a stay-at-home mom, I'm going to need some support and some help. Even though you're working from home, Phil, you still got to work, right? How are we going to manage an overwhelming situation and taking care of a 70-year-old guy with bipolar disorder and an 18-year-old who's really upset and sad that he lost his mom and a 14-year-old and an 11-year-old?

So how are we going to keep our nuclear family? How are we going to take care of the needs of two infants, basically is what I'm saying. And then we're going to be really clear about what our goals are, meaning what does help mean? And I think that you've probably heard me, if you ever listen to the show, I used to say it all the time,

talking about pictures and words, but my guess is, Faith, you have a picture of what help looks like, and I'm going to be real reductionistic and real general right here, okay? And so I might get this wrong, and I might mix up the gender roles and all that. I'm just making an example,

so I'm not trying to be ugly or anything. Okay. Faith, you may have a picture of help is this time next year. Everyone in the family is sitting around having Thanksgiving. You've got this almost one year old in one of those little papoose pouch things. And you're making dinner because you're a homemaker and you love it. And your husband comes it out of the study he's working from home and your bipolar father who's stable on his meds he

high-fives him it's like man you're a great husband my daughter won the lottery when she married you like you might have this picture of help and your husband phil phil you might have a picture of help which is i need you father-in-law to get a job. And I need you to not be in the house. I need all the kids to be quiet while I'm at work because I'm working from home now. And I'm going to need fill in the blank. And so help is going to look like six months where we're going to do this. We're going to get everybody back on their feet. I'm going to help dad get. And what we're going to have is we're going to have two people saying, we need to help. We need to help. We need to help. We need to help. And you're going to have is we're going to have two people saying, we need to help. We need to help.

We need to help. We need to help. And you're going to be saying two completely different things by using that same word. So I want you all to get together in this retreat I'm proposing and be very crystal clear to the last detail. What does help mean? What are our goals by moving into this house? What are we going to accomplish by coming here? And then as a part of that, what can we actually do?

If dad starts yelling, what are we going to do? If dad says, I'm not taking my meds, what are we going to do? If that 18-year-old hits somebody, what are we going to do if that 18 year old hits somebody what are we going to do right so we sell our house we're all in I want to be very clear about planning some things on the front end so that we're not surprised

and we freak out and we get surprised and we get freaked out we make rash decisions along the way does that make sense and then we're going to communicate those very, very clearly to dad. And possibly if he would do it with dad's counselor so that he's got some non-parents, like he's got some accountability that doesn't include his daughter and her and the guy who keeps getting his daughter pregnant, right?

Yeah. And I said that on purpose because there's that sense in there, right? So all that to say is saying, hey, dad, you are paying for your groceries or you are going to contribute $500 a month and we will do the shopping. You will do your laundry or otherwise faith you're going to become the pseudo mom to a thousand people and try to raise a newborn on two hours of sleep a night and phil you are going to be the breadwinner of a whole bunch of people and a whole bunch of house and by working from home down the hall from a screaming infant an exhausted wife and a bonkers 11 year old and a pissed off 18 year old and a dad who won't take his meds

see what i'm saying see what i'm saying now i am not in any way saying don't do this at all i just want everybody to be clear yeah. There is no way that this isn't very hard, but I don't know anything on earth that's really good that isn't also very hard. Okay. So let's be very crystal clear about who we're going to be, what our marriage is going to look like, what our parenting is going to look like, what kind of help we can provide, what kind of help we're willing to provide, what are our boundaries, and how are we going to communicate them. And let's just be really clear about that. And if at any point you say, oh, this doesn't work like this in this house, that's a good conversation to have. And I would suggest that anybody that is encouraging you from outside of your family's unit,

outside of you and Phil, outside of you and Faith, you know, I think it'd be a good idea if y'all just moved in with your father-in-law. I mean, he looks like he, that's real, real easy to say if you're not moving in with your father-in-law and his three young kids right

and so it's simple to to lob uh what we call them uh it's simple to lob uh charity grenades on somebody man you should give them your car you should give them your you should just let them have that other house of yours well cool thanks that's that's easy you should just let them have that other house of yours. Well, cool. Thanks. That's, that's easy. You should just sell your house and move in. Maybe, maybe. And if you've been thoughtful about it, you've been obviously, um, y'all are very prayerful people and you've considered that deeply. Um, man, go all in, go for it. Like my buddies at Navy SEAL, like they don't look at the, at the task log. They don't look at the mission and be like, ah, this is too hard. No, man, it's real, real hard. That that's why you're a navy seal and we're going to be very specific about the challenges that we're going to face and we're going to be very real we're going to own

reality about what we're going to be facing and then we're going to be very very very specific about how we're going to overcome each one of those obstacles. And that's what I'm suggesting you do here. Y'all are Navy SEALs, Faith and Phil. Navy SEALs. Except you're not. You're just a really incredible daughter and a otherworldly son-in-law who loves his father-in-law and who's still grieving from the loss of mom.

And he wants to see those three kids be well and whole. They want to just be great people. So I'm proud. It's awesome. It's good to get to talk to you and know you. But let's be well and whole. They want to just be great people. So I'm proud. It's awesome. It's good to get to talk to you and know you. But let's be sober and let's be clear-eyed about what we're walking into so that we can have the identity

that we're going to be people who are well and people who are whole. I'm going to keep this thing, the train on the tracks here so that we can quote unquote help. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get

rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show in honor of the great elton john's final u.s concert this past weekend and for the great chris wright who was originally most importantly known as one of the guitarists of dump button the greatest bands that has ever existed also otherwise known as kelly's boss and yada yada yada but he's a huge Elton John fan and he specifically picked this song. And when your leader tells you you're gonna do something,

I guess that's how Kelly rolls. That's how she rolls. So the song is called Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters. That should be the name of this show. That's fantastic. Elton John's, Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters and it goes like this. And now I know Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say.

I thought I knew, but now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City. Until you've seen this trash can dream come true, you stand at the ledge while people run through, and I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. Faith and Phil, I thank the Lord there are people out there like you. You're amazing.

And you are too, America. Thanks for listening. We'll see you soon.