The Dr. John Delony Show - Are These Relationship Issues a Red Flag?

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Join us for today’s show as we hear from a man trying to discern the difference between feeling fear and seeing red flags in his relationship, a woman coming to grips with how to serve in her job, and a wife who’s wondering if it’s time to divorce her husband after another DUI. Lyrics of the Day: "Empire State of Mind" - Jay-Z  "Why Georgia" - John Mayer Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Why did y'all get separated? Mainly because of his drinking. And I know that you know what I'm about to say. Okay? You're trying to keep a fantasy alive. And you have to let it go. Your kids are bearing the brunt of this.

What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Glad to see you. And if I can't see you, I'm glad to be the voice in between your head. It's probably not good for both of us, but I'm glad to be there. I hope you're doing well. I hope your family's doing well. On this show, we talk about mental health, relationships, being well, mental wellness. This is the best mental health podcast ever, ever. And I've got six people who've DM'd me and told me that, so that data works for me. I like statistics that back up what I already think. Hashtag America. And so, it's good to see everybody. If you want to be on the show, give me a call 1-844-693-3291,

1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And hey, quick shout out. So one of my best friends on planet, this guy named Trevor Moore, and we were in Dallas recently and we lived in the dorm together and had all kinds of shenanigans. Dude, his kids came out to the book signing and his son, Elliot, dude, drew me this incredible picture of Spider-Man and Hulk. And he wrote, this is me and Dr. John. We're both wearing Texas Ranger hats because they know that I don't like the Rangers. I'm an Astros fan. Awesome. And then his daughter, Poppy, wrote this incredible, lovely card. She drew pictures in it. Have good luck with your book.

So excited to see you today. Proud of your book. Love, Poppy. Dude, there is nothing cooler than seeing somebody that, maybe I didn't make great decisions when I was around when we were kids, and now they've got kids, and they're raising great humans. And I think, America, we're going to be all right. We're going to be all right.

If those of us who didn't make good choices are raising people who made good choices, make good choices, we're going to be all right. All right, let's go to Code Man. Let's go to Cody in Atlanta, Georgia. What's up, Cody? Hey, how are you? I'm good. Hey, remember that time the Astros were going to get to win the World Series and you all ruined everything?

Remember that? Yeah, we finally won something here in Atlanta. Well, I hope that was fun for you. It was not for me. So what's up, man? Hey, so I'm 25. I live in Atlanta. And then my girlfriend, she's 26, and she lives in New York City.

She just got her master's in acting actually this week. MFA? Yeah, MFA. Very cool. Was she at school in New York? Yeah, she moved to New York about three years ago to do that. So y'all have hung in there long distance for three years, huh?

No, so she came back during the summer to see her family and stuff, and we met at the coffee shop that I work at. And so we did three months together here in the summer, and then we've done the past eight months. Ah, okay. All right, so it's about a year, and y'all met at the coffee shop.

Whoa. Is that it? It's the candy shop. That's the candy shop song, not the coffee shop song. The coffee shop song is the boring, slow version. The Coffee Shop, whoa. All right, so y'all have been together about a year, and then what? So originally we planned on me moving up to New York around this time

because I do coffee and I do live sound. So I was like, I can get a job anywhere. And she wants to do theater and acting. And, you know, the best for theater. That's right. And New York is where dreams are made of, right? Yeah, absolutely. See, there you go. I sound just like Alicia Keys on that one, I'm pretty sure.

Okay, so I keep interrupting you. Go ahead, go ahead. No, you're fine. You're fine. Um, but, uh, you know, I, I recently found, um, you know, the Dave Ramsey stuff. I started getting into that and trying to get ahold of my finances and I just don't see feasibly how both of us can live in New York when we're in the entertainment stuff and just, uh, it's just costs so much to live there. Yeah. It's wild, man. Um, and so, I mean, I told her, I was like, I just can't do that. And also at the same time,

I've been getting a lot of good opportunities here, uh, in Georgia with doing sound, which is what I went to school for. So, um, I've been getting a lot of good opportunities with letting corporate stuff and just churches in the area. And there's a lot, there's a lot of entertainment opportunities with letting corporate stuff and just churches in the area. And there's a lot, there's a lot of entertainment stuff moving to Atlanta. It fast track into Atlanta, which is just a, it's an incredible, I remember back in, you know, I was, I was in Houston most of my childhood and all my childhood.

And I remember when Austin started blowing up, they call it started calling the third coast, right? People started moving it. And I feel Atlanta is there too. Like there's just some incredible opportunities there, which is great, man. Good deal. Absolutely. So, um, ultimately what's your question? Yeah.

So, um, she, she eventually, um, not eventually that's terrible. She also saw that she couldn't do that. So she's moving back home and, um, you know, we've just been long distance for so long and, uh, I'm just scared or not scared. Like I, we have fears, but I'm just trying to figure out what is fears versus what are the red flags when it comes to our relationships. Hmm. Is there have to be a difference? I don't know. Um, so a red flag for me is something that violates one of my core values. Or probably initial red flag is going to violate what I believe to be one of my beliefs.

And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to dig in on that red flag and see if my belief is what I thought it was. If it's a make or break belief, you know what I mean? Like me and my wife have voted differently at times. Great. That's awesome. We have different opinions on theology sometimes. We have different opinions on a lot of stuff, especially on music. She thinks my music is awful.

And so – but those are beliefs, right? And when I was 25, if you had told me – I was married by then, but I was 24, let's say, and I wasn't married. I used to have a rule. If you didn't like the show Seinfeld, I just knew we weren't going to be friends. Right? So if someone's like, I don't, I'm not into that show. I just, I wouldn't even continue, not trying to be a jerk. I just know where this ends. And this ends with me making a joke that's a little bit sarcastic and you get in your feelings hurt and we're not gonna be friends. My wife is the first Seinfeld, a person who didn't like Seinfeld that I ended up remaining friends with, and then now we've got a family and a couple of decades of history. So all I have to tell you is a red flag is something that initially violates a belief of mine and ultimately would come down to a red light, if you will, would be a – this violates a value of mine.

You want to continue to hook up with other people, and that's not somebody that I want to date, right? Or whatever. I could come up with a million different things. A fear would just be uncomfortable, right? A fear would be your body telling you, hey, this is a risk. Is this worth the risk? And that's an equation that only you can answer, really, right? Okay, yeah.

So are you guys fighting? Are y'all having disagreements or where is your, is your, is your, like your, that feeling in your guts, where's that coming from? Yeah. So, um, I mean, she said something that I didn't, you know, it took me a second to process. Um, but like she said that she feels like we'll never move out of Georgia because I'll always have an excuse to stay here in Georgia. Okay. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, like, I don't hate it here.

You know, I've lived here my whole life. And then it just kind of felt like it was like she's always going to be upset with me for not wanting to move if opportunities come up where I'll find an excuse. And so probably the truth is yes and yes. Is that fair? So the only example I can give you is from my personal life. I come from the city and I moved out to a West Texas town that was a smaller city. And the moment I landed there, I started plotting my exit.

I have to get out of here. My body can't live here. I don't want to be here. And then my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, said, this guy will get me out of here. Like, I don't really think he's that attractive. And he has a humongous head. And he puts too much product in his hair. And he listens to annoying music.

But he'll get me out of here, right? So she hitched her wagon. And we ended up living in that community for between 15 to 20 years. And it was where our closest friends are. And then there came a moment when it was time to go. And we knew that. And it's been great.

And she said, I just, you know, she laughed. She goes, I just played the long game. Here's what I'm telling you. Are we ever going to leave here? Or I don't see my future in Georgia? Or those are all great, valid conversations. Those are great and valid disagreements, things to talk on the front end. If somebody looked at me, and I've got friends like this,

I will never move away from the town that my parents live in, full stop. That would be a, I need to examine need to examine that can i live in this community forever because you're being very clear with me i will never want to have kids going into this relationship we're shaking hands on this is are we all on the same page because so in five years and you say i really want kids i'm gonna say i told you as a you know i mean so um it sounds to me like she is falling for you and is trying to come up with reasons why you don't want to – she's trying to think 15 years down the road or five years down the road or 10 years down the road

and come up with future reasons and project them into the now. And it sounds like you're doing the same thing. And what I would tell you is, both of you say, yes, if we have great opportunities here, it's great. And if something cool comes up, I'm absolutely open to hearing that, unless you're not. And if you say, I will never leave Georgia. And I grew up in Texas. There was Texans. Dude, they'd be unemployed, fighting war. It doesn't matter. I will never leave Texas. Good for you. Just make that clear to the person you're going to marry.

Does that make sense? Absolutely. Are you pushing her away? No, I think it was just like, you know, for so long we talked about being in New York and then now it's flipped to her now moving here. So I think she just got scared of me. Like, it's like all kind of recent. Yeah. Um, I've got a good one.

I want you guys to have a funeral service for the dream of New York together. And I want y'all to grieve that it's going to suck because y'all had started making plans about this life and you were going to run a coffee shop and you were also going to start running sounds for big shows and she was going to be on Broadway and it's not dead, trust me, it's not dead it will happen, but right now there's just a dot dot dot after it

and it feels like you'll have failed like you'll have lost something and you didn't lose anything other than a dream and if you don't grieve this thing and sit on it, the grief will make its way into well I told you this and you never want to do that. That's how it'll end up. It'll come out.

And you'll end up in fights about things that are just proxy wars for, I'm really sad that we built this picture together and it didn't come true. Because it's just too expensive to live there. If y'all will grieve it and be able to go, we wanted to do this and it didn't happen yet. It didn't happen right now. And your wife, your girlfriend was to read a letter about how sad she was. And here's what she wanted to do about it. And here's her dreams and they're not coming true right now. And here's her fears. And you read your dreams and your fears, you know, read them together and then you can set that stuff down. And then what you can do is say okay for the next year let's build a awesome relationship here in Georgia let's put some what let's let's look at how can we make Georgia as awesome as possible for

one year let's just do that and let's love each other and let's date and let's get serious and let's have fun and let's build one year and then we're gonna reevaluate well put on the calendar we'll commit to in one year we're gonna circle back and say, how was this year? See what I'm saying? And don't, don't have problems 15 years down the road or 10 years down the road that

aren't really going to materialize yet. Okay. Unless you know, in your soul, I will never leave Georgia. And if that's the case, tell her that a part of being in relationship and loving me is never leaving Georgia.

And I would tell you, don't do that., tell her that. A part of being in a relationship and loving me is never leaving Georgia. And I would tell you, don't do that. Don't do that. There's a big, big world out there, man, and love's a really cool thing. And it will take you to all corners of the earth, right? But don't get into, is this fear, is this red flag? Dude, just jump in. Jump in and say, this hurts.

What can we build next? But that's a, man, that is a great, great question, Cody. Thank you for asking that, man. I don't know. For whatever reason, maybe I'm just in a good mood today. I feel really good about where y'all are headed. It's awesome. Right where y'all need to be.

We'll be right back. All right, troublemakers, we're back. Let's go to Elizabeth in Cleveland. Oh, what's up, Elizabeth? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you so much for calling. What's up?

Yeah, I'm curious. And excuse me, I'm coming out after a cold. So if you can't hear me, let me know. But I'm curious to hear your perspective on the difference between what some would consider a biblical call to live a life of sacrifice and then also self-sabotage. Tell me more. Yeah, so I was part of just Christian ministry work for a number of years. And since then, I opened up my own for-profit business that doesn't have a religious affiliation with it. Um, and I think my mindset when I was doing the ministry work and then my

mindset now is just very different. Um, right now I'm very interested in just becoming a responsible steward over the people I'm overseeing and the things that I'm overseeing. And sometimes it feels a little like self-focus and sometimes it feels like the more that I help for myself to be a sustainable person, it is getting me off track from where I felt very alive and very in step with my beliefs in the Lord and with my relationship with the Lord. And so now I'm just curious where you would say that balance would be. But what I was doing when I was doing my ministry work, some of it felt, you know, very off the cuff, keep moving, you know, good things. But also kind of like I know I wasn't setting my people up well back there. I know I wasn't being a responsible steward of all of these things. So now that I'm in this jump of, you know,

healing process from a lot of things, and I'm just kind of curious as to what you think that, that balance is or what that looks like. That's a great, great question. So there's, there's four or five different angles we can take here. Let me get one more piece of data from you. So give me an example of a couple of things you were doing that you would classify under quote unquote ministry. So things that I was doing, a lot of it was

dance ministry. So I would be leader or choreographer or prayer leader, et cetera. Um, and we would do performances in a number of different settings, whether it was a prayer meeting or sometimes during some services. Um, but then we also took that overseas. Um, and we did similar things, just met with people, talked with people, very little sleep. Um, because, you know, we were just trying to put the people and each other first and just, you know, time with the Lord. Um, and what does time with the Lord mean? Time with the Lord, like reading the Bible and praying and things like that. Reading the Bible, praying. Yeah, excuse me. I guess just at that time,

I had just more regular conversation with the Lord, like more thoughts that were in that connection. Okay. Whereas now a lot of my thoughts and a lot of my practices are like, oh, what can I do? Gotcha. How can I fix this?

Gotcha. If that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, totally. So there's a great theologian. He's a songwriter. He's most famous for his songwriting. I think he, in 100 years, will be more remembered for his theology, Rich Mullins.

And Rich Mullins said something that deeply affected me 15 or 20 years ago and he said be weary of anybody or anything that says that divides this is my occupation and this is my ministry right because we tend to if you are a person of faith and you have a quote-unquote ministry, you wrap up and you segment in your life quote-unquote ministry-y things. In your world, that was artistic expression. That was prayer time. That was reading important text or scripture or whatever books you were reading,

having those type of thoughts, right? And now you're in your quote unquote job and you're trying to run a business and you're trying to make payroll and you're trying to make sure that ding dong shows up on time. And that person doesn't say the things, and this person's got a 504 accommodation and I got to deal with an angry customer. And so what I would challenge you on is this. I don't believe that ministry is doing Jesus-y things. I think ministry is honoring people. Right. Here's a great, another great quote, Rich Mullen says, he tells a story of the time he was hanging out with some missionaries overseas. And he was hanging out with the

missionaries and one of the missionaries says, man, what's on your mind? And he said, nothing. I just feel so overwhelmed with joy and love for God. And I just want God to use me however he needs me. And he said, the missionary started laughing. And he said, my brother, God does not need you for anything.

Nothing. Treat people well. And so I would challenge all people of faith that ministry is flushing the toilet. Ministry is tipping well. Ministry is letting somebody in at the stoplight even though they're driving like a moron. Ministry is taking care of homeless people

and hungry people. Ministry is how I treat an angry customer. Right. Right. Right? And so what I would suggest is the work you are doing, you are in a position to do infinitely more, quote unquote, ministry, service to people where you are right now.

That's statement number one. Statement number two is there is a true, I don't like business. I miss art. I miss dance. I miss travel. And that's a occupational question you have to ask yourself. Often we get messy is we try to, we believe that if you're a person of faith and you believe in God, that the language I hear about calling and passion and purpose is though God hid that from you,

like an Easter egg. And your whole life is like trying to find it. You know what I mean? Like, I just got to find my calling. I had to find my passion. No, dude. Like, I'm trying to run a business. I don't like it.

I'm not, this isn't for me. I don't like it. Or I'm running a business and there's just parts of it I don't like. And there's probably parts of dance that you don't like and parts of the travel and parts of being exhausted. So it's really, what do I want to do? And more importantly,

who am I going to be while I'm doing it? Right. Does that make sense? And so I would love to see you look at your business. Is your business successful? Are you doing good stuff? I mean, we're trying to, I mean, ultimately I would say yes. I think the pandemic threw a wrench in some things. Sure. So we're, you know, still trying to get back in it. But I think that's also the challenge is, you know, when I opened this business, I had it with that foresight of this is just another expression of, of ministry.

And yet now that I'm, you know, about five years in, it just, I don't know. I think it feels like the way that I, yeah, I don't know. Can I tell you a hard truth is what it sounds like? Yeah. It sounds like you're blaming the business. Hmm. And I would love to see you reverse engineer who you want to be with your faith community and who you want to be in relationship to God and start there. Yeah. And if you are in sync with your spiritual life,

and if you're in sync with God and you're in sync with trying to honor people and love people the best you can every single step of the way, that all of that goes into how you're going to quote unquote lead your business or deal with a troubled supplier or honor somebody who you did. We had on this show, we had a sponsor and it just didn't work out. It just didn't fit. And we called and gave some of their money back, and we actually canceled the contract, then we gave some, that never happens.

And even the business owner reached out and said, that never happens. We feel so grateful. And in my head, it was, we're just doing right by you. You know what I'm saying? And so good business backs up to being a good human. And a good human backs up for me to my faith community and my spiritual principles, right? And my relationship to God.

So all that to say is it sounds like you found yourself exhausted after five years, especially the last 24 months of just trying to survive. And it feels like you are distant from who you remember being in a former life, which part of that's a fantasy too. And now you're looking for why, and it's easy to point fingers at the business. I would love to see you look in the mirror and say, look at my daily practices. What is it about my life that has become disconnected from my spiritual beliefs? Is that fair? Yeah, very much so. Thank you so much.

No, you betcha. Listen, if this is any consolation, you're right where you should be. Thanks. Like you're not crazy. Is that fair? That's very good to hear. You're not nuts. And if you decide next month to just quit your business

and go back and find a ministry to work for, that's not a bad thing. Yeah. If you decide to get a coach and sit down and say, here's who I want to be. Are you married? I am. Okay. Have y'all sat down and said, who do we want to be? Yeah. So we're in the process of that. We've been married about a year and so we're just starting. And my lease is coming up with the business. Ah, okay. A lot of those big conversations. So do me a favor. Don't start with, should we close the business? That's the wrong place to start. let's do a how'd the year go what do we learn what was hard what was weird what was different than we thought and you'll have to be honest with one another and have it be a no pressure

a low pressure you know i mean um i want to just tell you i thought hooking up with you is going to be one way it's super different than i thought i thought that laundry was going to look different like like let's talk about what was and then. And then the next part of that conversation is, who do we want to be together? Right. And then we're going to backfill what that business looks like. Okay. If you start with, should we close the business, that's going to be made with a lot of emotion and a lot of feeling. And a lot of the emotions and feelings are exhaustion right now.

Right. Because you've been trying to be married, and try to run a business and you're exhausted and trying to stay alive. And all of a sudden your spiritual life has taken a backseat. And now you feel, you see what I'm saying? How it just runs that way. Have a low pressure. Who do we want to be together?

We want to tour the, we want to travel the world. Well, it's probably not going to be good to run a business then. We need to do something else. We want to make a whole bunch of money so we can give away a hilarious amount of money. That's incredible. Great. We're going to have to come up with a great business that serves our local and national community in a way that honors them as we're known for good business practices and makes us a great salary so that we can give stuff away. All those are great, holy endeavors. It is a matter of setting that identity and just working backwards. Is that cool?

Yes. I would be really honored if you would have that meeting in either you and or you and your husband call back and say, here's how that went. Here's how the meeting went. I would love to hear how that thing goes. It's one of my favorite conversations to have with my wife. And one of the conversations I avoided for about a decade of being married, which is who do we want to be? And then how do we get there? That how do we get there clarifies things that we're going to do, but more importantly, it clarifies things we're not going to do. And that's hard for me because I like to go do stuff. I don't like to not do stuff, but that setting that identity up front really clarifies my actions, both affirmative, what I'm going to go do and what I'm not. Love it. Love it. Elizabeth, you're right where you need to be.

Take care. We'll see you soon. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can

be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, kids, let's go

to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and talk to Samantha. What's up, Samantha? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Good to speak with you. I'm good. How are you? Remarkable. We are rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up? Okay, so I

am currently separated from my husband for about three years. We have two children together, and I recently found out that he got a DUI. So I'm just wondering how or if I should talk to the kids about this, the boundaries I should set. How old are the kids? 15 and 12. Well, almost 16 16 she's turning 16 next month so my first question is why in the world are y'all separated but not divorced well the one thing that's keeping us married right now is insurance. I carry the health insurance and, um, just trying to, you know, give that to him for now. Um, instead of adding an extra expense,

why did y'all get separated? Mainly because of his drinking. Can I tell you some real hard truths? Is that okay? Yes Okay And I know that you know what I'm about to say Okay? Mm-hmm You're trying to keep a fantasy alive

And you have to let it go Okay You love this guy Possibly more than he loves himself And he's also dangerous and he has hurt you, correct? Yes. Okay. You made a choice for your safety to leave, whether that's physical safety, emotional safety, psychological safety, whatever.

You made a choice to go. But what you're doing is you're suffococating everybody and you're not letting people go. And so the idea that, did you leave him? Yes. Do you have some deep guilt over that? Um, I do because, um, I kept the house and he, he moved out. Um, so I kind of have, of have guilt with that.

And he still says, I'm the one that did this and made this choice. So I do carry that. It feels like you were trying to pacify or band-aid over your guilt by saying, but at least I give him health insurance. Right. I've kicked him out. He's created his own life. But at least I still provide him health insurance.

Yeah, pretty much. And Sam, I'm never going to, you've heard me say this. If you were in an abusive situation, I would tell you, something told you you have to leave. You got to get out of there. And you left, but only partway. And if you're going to be gone after three years, you got to go.

Your kids are bearing the brunt of this. Okay? And I know that's hard to say, and it's hard to hear. I'm a dad too. That's the worst thing I could possibly hear. But your kids are continuing this fantasy that mom and dad are still married. They just live separately and still, and your husband's drinking is clearly still not in control.

And now he's putting your kids' lives at risk because they get to go see him. Is that right? Well, they only really see him about once a week for a few hours. Okay. That will begin to change as they get older, unless there's some sort of... Okay, let me just cut to it. Did he ever hurt you? No.

So why'd you leave? Did he cheat on you? No. I just couldn't take the drinking anymore. And he was getting a little verbally abusive, calling me names, just being mean towards me. And I just, you know, we were fighting all the time and I didn't want, I didn't want the kids to continue to live in that situation. Right. And I think that's a wise choice. I'm not, I'm not for one second going to say that wasn't a good choice. Um,

do you have desires to be married to him? No, I have, I am grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be. There you go. But I, him being the person who he is right now, I do not wish to be with him, no. Okay, the way you just said that suggests, but maybe one day he'll not be that person that he is, and then it will all work out.

And you're trying to have a foot in both worlds, and you can't do that. Because you're asking this 15-year-old and this 12-year-old to have feats in both worlds too, and they can't do that. You can't do that. And I'll tell you, even you're making yourself insane. You know that. You are, right? A little, yeah. You're running two households, and you're parenting him too.

I could just go on. I don't want to beat you up. I'm just telling you, you've got to make a decision. I'm going to be married with this guy, and we're going to go to therapy, and we're going to try to figure this out, and we're going to go to therapy, and we're going to try to figure this out, and he's going to decide to stop drinking and stop being unsafe. I think that ship has sailed. Okay.

Then you've got to move on with your life. Yeah. For your sake, for his sake, you're dragging him through this. He still thinks there's a chance this comes back together. If he got completely sober today, went stone sober, went to AA every day for 30 days, got clean, came back to you, would you have him back? I don't know. I think there's a lot of hurt and resentment with both of us. So I'm not sure if that would even be enough at this point. Somehow you've drawn a line in your house between kicking him out and getting divorced. Where does that line come from? Because it's been three years. I know.

You have an imaginary line between that this is not great, but it's okay. But if I cross this line, I'm done for. And I would tell, here's what I tell you. You've crossed that line. You're way past that line. Yeah. And so what you've done now is put yourself in an unsafe position because you were still legally bound to this person. Yeah. Your kids are still

legally bound to this person who is demonstrating again with the what third DUI he's unsafe. Yeah. And he's clearly needs help and support. And I love the guy. That's I think the greatest gift you could give him is to cut him loose. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And I wouldn't say this for 30 days. If you were having a 30 day separation, I think those are important sometimes, or a sick, we've been in part for six months and we're still going to therapy. This isn't that this is you've been divorced for three years.

You've just never gone through the process. Right. Right. Yeah. And here's another thing. If you called me and said, hey, this happened three years, and then my husband's been clean for four months, and I still love him, I would say go all in. I'd be all for that. Obviously, do it safely and all that, but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen. Yeah, no. No, he doesn't think he has a problem. Okay.

And so that exceeds the scope of this call. What I would tell you is you've got to at some point start making some plans. Okay. If, to answer your original question, I would not have, if I felt it unsafe to be with somebody, I would feel especially that about my kids. Yeah. Okay. That's the way I would look at that problem.

If people get divorced because such and such cheated on me, I still think people can be good, great parents there. I think you figured that out. You co-parent. Or we just fight a lot, whatever. We just have different values. People get divorced for a million different reasons. If somebody leaves a home because that person's unsafe, then I'm going to go to the mat for my kids too. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yes. And I think that's partially why I do not push the issue of him having the children more because I just not sure if that's the best for them. Say that statement again but tell me truthfully. You said I'm not so sure that that's the best

for them. Tell me the truth on that statement. I'm not sure what... You know that it's not safe for them yeah you know that somebody told you a long time ago that what you think and feel and believe doesn't matter and I'm telling you it does and living with an alcoholic

that's often you're crazy you're ridiculous you're not seeing things oh yeah all the time did you grow up with an alcoholic too that's often you're crazy. You're ridiculous. You're not seeing things. Yeah. Right. Oh yeah. All the time. Did you grow up with an alcoholic too? No.

This is all new. Yes. Okay. Well, I mean, he's had a problem ever since we were together. Okay. Um, I just felt he would grow out of it.

You were going to fix him. That was so kind of you to think that way. Yes, exactly. And then it's like, oh, I know what will help. Let's have a baby. And it's like, oh, I know what will happen. Help two babies. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. And here you find yourself. I'm heartbroken for you. I'm heartbroken for him. I hope, I hope, hope, hope he gets the help that he needs. He deserves that. And those kids deserve their dad.

Based on what I'm looking at right here, he doesn't sound safe. He doesn't sound safe. And you've put yourself in a situation, your kids in a situation, and him in a situation that's untenable. Just this kind of half in, half out fantasy life. I'm not, I can go through my day and never have to say the words, I'm divorced. I get to say that. I mean, it's just kind of, it's bordering on disingenuous at this point.

Yeah. And that might mean you have to sell the house and split equity, all those, all that ugliness, right? That's part of legal separation. But I would suggest that's part of the decision you made when you decided to move out three, or kick him out three years ago. Not that it's a wrong decision.

That decision comes with consequence. Like all decisions happen, right? Right. And so it's time to get with a good counselor and a good lawyer and start having those hard conversations. Or to sit down with him and say, where are we? What's the status of our relationship? Does he still have fantasies about getting back with you? I don't think so. Okay. Why hasn't he filed on you? Because of our relationship? Does he still have fantasies about getting back with you?

I don't think so. Okay. Why hasn't he filed on you? Because of health insurance? Yeah, I mean, really, the insurance is like the main thing. He has already signed over the house to me. Really? The only thing, yeah, it's just an extra expense that he doesn't want to have right now.

What's the equity accumulated in that home? Oh, probably $60,000. Oh, that's it? Yeah. Okay. Oof. Okay, so he just gave it to you.

Yeah. So yeah, do what you want to do. I would not, if I was in this situation and I had been married to somebody who was struggling with alcohol abuse and alcohol addiction, and they have a history of DUIs and they got you at another one,

it would be less about, do I tell the kids and all that? It would be, my kids will not be, dad all that. It would be my kids will not be. Dad's struggling. Dad's sick. He's struggling. And we're not going to get in the car with Dad. I, as the parent, am not going to allow that. I'm not going to allow it.

And if he's unsafe at home too, he can't be there when he's drinking, which is all the time now, so we're just not going to go over there. Yeah. They don't typically go over there. Yeah. The best way forward there is a court outlining those protections. Because right now he's their dad, and he's still your husband, and so there are still some, at any moment he comes in and says, no, those are my kids, and I can have them whenever I want them. And you would say, no, you can't. And he'd be like, who says who?

Right? Yeah. That's where the court really helps define because the court says, I say so when it comes to child safety. Okay. All of this breaks my heart, Sam. I'm sorry. Thank you. I know it's the worst.

You have somebody with you. I know. And this isn't how you drew it up, right? You didn't want it to be like this. You didn't's the worst. You have somebody with you. I know. And this isn't how you drew it up, right? You didn't want it to be like this. You didn't want your kids to come from a divorced family, right? Absolutely not. I know that stinks, man. I'm sorry.

Sorry. Thank you. Yeah. Your values and beliefs and feelings count. They matter. They're important. And... Thank you.

Yeah. Good luck with what comes next. It's going to be... Hey, listen. Make no mistake. It's going to be hard. The next few steps are going to be hard. Actually, they're going to be harder than you think, and they're going to be easier in some other ways.

That's tough. That's tough. That's tough. Yeah. Get with a counselor and get with an attorney soon. And let's dig into what's next. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, in honor of today's show, we're gonna do two best songs of all time. We're gonna do them really fast, though. The first one, Empire State of Mind by the great Jay-Z, featuring Elisa Keys, and it goes like this.

Now I'm out of that Brooklyn. Now I'm down in Tribeca, right next to De Niro, but I'll be hood forever. I'm the new Sinatra, and since I made it here, I can make it anywhere. Yeah, they love me everywhere. I used to cop in Harlem, holla at my Dominicans. De Niro right there up on Broadway brought me back to that McDonald's, took it to my stash spot, 560 State Street. Catch me in a kitchen like a Simmons whipping pastry.

And John Mayer's. Why, Georgia? Why? I'm driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. Four more exits to my apartment, but I'm tempted to keep the car and drive and leave it all behind. That's why she wants to leave Georgia.

Because why? Why, Georgia? Why? We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. It's man, the last probably six, seven years,

I'm just done. Like I, I sometimes I, I throw my key in the ignition and I, I'm going into work and I see the cases I'm assigned. I'm just like,

I don't want to do this anymore. Your exhaustion is well earned and your body's been through the ringer and you're a guy that holds it all together for everybody. In June, 2020, uh, I attempted, you know, I was in the hospital due to her attempt to suicide, but that happened, and, you know, my mom, she already struggled with depression,

and she just, it made it so much worse. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You didn't make it so much worse. You didn't.