The Dr. John Delony Show - Are You Letting Immaturity Hurt Your Relationships?

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   My wife and I are unable to have children and are having bitterness toward family that found out they're pregnant How can I regain my husband's trust after breaking it? I keep getting annoyed with my wife Lyrics of the day: "I Ain't No Joke" - Eric B. & Rakim   tags: jealousy, infertility, rebuilding trust, anger, immaturity   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Today we are talking about infertility and a lot of immaturity. Stay with us. Hey, good folks. I am John and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's a caller-driven show. We're talking to real people about real challenges. What kind of challenges? Talking about relationships, relational IQ, your mental health, parenting, dating, right? Being a good friend or that annoying guy at your office that will not shut up about keto and how great his life is now that he's on

keto. Dude, I don't eat grains and sugars either. We get it, man. And while I'm here, vegans, congratulations. We get it. You are morally superior to the rest of us. You are incredible. And I do mental health for a living. And I've tried to figure out how carrots and lettuce elevate the human spirit. I don't get it, but good for you. But how about this? Let's just turn it back a couple of notches. Just let's dial it back. We're all on the same team here.

We're all moving forward. Anyway, in a world of chaos, a world where people just need truth and they want a second opinion, I'm here to walk with you. So give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Keto fanatics, vegans, everybody's welcome. Everybody belongs on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you're doing well. I hope everybody's doing okay.

Last night at my house, man, a wackadoo tornado storm came through and knocked all the power out, the internet out, the satellite, everything was out. My wife just texted and said she's on the phone on hold with the internet company. She said her estimated wait time is 478 minutes. And she said, and I'm not even kidding. So that's the kind of morning we woke up to, but we're going to make it good. We're going to have fun and we're going to go straight to the phones here. We got Justin in Las Vegas, Nevada. Justin, how are you this morning, man? I'm doing well. How about you, Dr. D? Doing all right, brother. How can I help, man? So yeah, a little backstory. My

youth and I, we've been married for about 10 years. About five or so years ago, we found out that we can't have children naturally. So we're hoping to adopt soon. But my question comes from, my wife has a younger sister. She's about 10 years younger. And she found out that they were pregnant. It's completely unplanned, but we're happy for them. My wife and I can't help but feel a little jealousy. It's a large family, so we try to get together at least once a week. And since we found out about this pregnancy a month ago, it's a huge topic of conversation at every family gathering.

And so, like I said, we're kind of feeling kind of jealous, and we're not sure how to handle it. I'm more of a confrontal person. I just want to tell them to stop talking about this. I'll stop talking about this. My wife is the exact opposite. There's been nights where we get home and then she'll start crying and kind of crying to me and saying it's not fair. And, but again, we're happy. So again, we're not sure what to do. Is this a conversation we need to have with your family or is this something we need to figure out to deal with on our own. I don't like that you're making this a binary choice, man.

And so I'm going to speak from experience here. My wife and I experienced seasons where we were trying to have kids and it didn't work out for us. We ended up being fortunate enough to have two biological kids down the road. But there was big chunks of seasons throughout that time. And so, man, I want to affirm you. I've been there. The pain is real. The pain is super real. And it is frustrating and annoying and all those things to hear other people talk about

it. I remember having conversations with my friends, my wife, when people would say, oh, no, we're pregnant again. Or, you know, somebody at church or somebody at work would be talking about their 18-year-old. They found out they're having a child. And there was this sense that they didn't want the kid and it was unplanned. And what are we going to do? And we're over here thinking, golly, it would be so great. This is all that we thought we wanted at the time.

So that's real and good. What I'm concerned about is that you're making it an either or, that you either have to shut down the conversation and effectively own taking joy off the table for your family and your parents, your in-laws, or it's got to be the other thing. And I just don't think it has to be either or. You said you were confrontational. Why would you want to stop that conversation when your family's talking about we're so excited, we're going to have a new baby in the family? Why would you feel the need to tell them to stop talking about it? Just because you're uncomfortable?

Yeah, I mean, like I said, I'm happy for them. I'm totally stoked. I'm happy for this child and this new real thing. But yeah, once we start bringing it up, as the topic goes on for minutes and longer, a part of me just starts getting annoyed and wants to change the conversation.

Why do you get annoyed? Like I said, it's more jealousy um because we want this um and it's kind of a more of a jealousy kind of thing is like yeah so here's the deal man i'm i don't want to be a jerk but i'm going to be direct with you i promise everybody i'll tell the truth um jealousy isy is normal and jealousy is fine. It's when you say, I'm going to take my ball and go home. That's when you act like a fifth grader. It's when I'm uncomfortable. And since I'm uncomfortable, then y'all all have to stop being comfortable so that we can all have this neutral playing field, right? And man, I want to encourage you strongly, dude, don't do that. Don't take other people's joy.

That doesn't lessen your hurt, right? But there is a moment where you can celebrate with them. You can be joyful with them. There's also seasons where, you know what? I can't have that conversation today, dude. So I'm not going to go. I'm going to remove myself from that situation, but I'm not going to take their joy from them. Does that make sense? So you all get together

all the time. Maybe you and your wife skip a couple of those and y'all go on a date night together. And maybe the dynamic has shifted for a little while until you guys heal or until you guys are able to adopt and bring your own home, your kid home but i just man taking other people's joy is um because you're jealous or because you're annoyed by the conversation or you're frustrated that they have something that you don't have um man that's immaturity at its deepest and and most rooted right and that doesn't minimize your pain um but all you can control is your thoughts and actions, right? And choose to act mature and choose to act in other people's best interest, right? Right.

So this is a more personal question. Who's biologically challenged? Is it you or your wife? She is. She is? Okay. And so what I want to also encourage you to do is that's an extra deep, painful burden for her to carry. And as a guy, I'm going to be honest and vulnerable, dude, I missed it by 100 miles. I did not understand the depth of my body's failing me, that my body doesn't work right. I'm broken. I'm a woman and I'm put here on earth for one thing and I can't do the one thing. Man, I missed that so deeply. And I want you to, at the same time you're celebrating your other family members as they have one kid and two kids and seven kids and all that stuff, I want you to

not minimize your wife's pain because this is existential, this is spiritual, and this is deep, deep, deep in her heart. And so that may mean that y'all go talk to somebody. That may mean that you spend some extra time not trying to solve her problems but being with her and listening to her and encouraging her to talk. That means y'all may keep like a couple's journal together on your journey towards adoption and give her an opportunity to voice some of that pain that she's feeling. That it's not something that, Justin, it's not something that you and I can understand,

but it's something that we have to be aware and be really acutely attuned to. Okay? Okay. Is she speaking with anybody? Does she have someone that she talks to? Does she have women in her life that she trusts, that she can be vulnerable with? She's, in the past, she doesn't,

she used to speak to a therapist in the past when we first found out. Okay. Right now she has her sister, she has her mom, she's really close with their family. She has a couple of friends that she's really close to. And it's a conversation that we've had.

Good deal. Well, man, it sounds like you're on it with her. And I'm glad that she's got resources and support. The greatest thing a partner can do, especially a knuckleheaded guy like me, a knuckleheaded guy like you, Justin, and I'm just lumping you in with all of us, a great thing you can do is to make intentional time where you will hold her hands, you will look her in the eye, and you say, I want to hear how you're really doing today. And she'll make soft play it because she wants to protect your feelings and

your heart too. And when she says, I'm good, I'm just upset. I just don't want to hear the stories anymore. You say great things, but really, how are you doing today? And then when she tells you, she may not, she may unload on you. She may cry from a place that you didn't know she had inside of her. I don't want you to try to solve it. I don't want you to give her more information. I want you to hold her hands. I want you to look her in the eye and say, that sucks, but I love you.

And thank you for sharing. And Justin, that's it. Every guy across the country, the women in our lives need less information, less of us trying to solve their hurt and pain, and more of us being with them. Just hearing and acknowledging, looking them in the eye and saying, this sucks. It's not fair. It's wrong. It hurts. I'm jealous. I'm pissed off. I'm frustrated. And I hear you and thank you for sharing that. And just the presence of

being with somebody is so powerful and important, man. But Justin, thank you so much for that call, brother. And yeah, to everybody, there is a difference between your pain and taking somebody else's joy off the table and wherever possible. Pain is not some zero. There's not just a certain amount of pain. Comparing pain doesn't do any good. Pain, pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. It is what it is. But joy is the same way. There's not some zero on joy.

And Justin and his wife are going to have to reframe what their picture was going to be. They're going to adopt. They're going to have a beautiful adoptive family. It's going to be incredible. They're going to love them deeply. They're going to be great parents. But it's going to be a different picture. And that's all right. So good for you, Justin. We'll be thinking about you, brother. After you adopt, after you get that first baby and you come home, Justin, I want you to call me back because we're going to celebrate with you here on the show.

All right, let's go to Katie in Dickinson, North Dakota. Katie, good morning. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you, John? Good, good, good. How can I help you this morning? Well, I was calling because a couple years ago, Ryan and I, my husband and I, we went through a really tough time. We moved out to this rural

place in North Dakota and I just started living this kind of single life even though we were still married. What does that mean? Uh, just like, so he was working nights and I didn't, I had a bunch of time to myself. I was working remotely. I didn't get a lot of adult interaction. So I picked up like an extra job and I was, after my job, I'd go out every night and I would stay out late. And I was, um, you know, making friends with guys. And even though it was platonic, like I didn't understand how, I don't know, I guess irresponsible or not okay that was. And so there was a lot of trust issues just because then he was kind of trying to forbid me to hang out with these guys. And I didn't really get it and how important it was to him. And so I just didn't stop.

And we would go play basketball and then go hit the bars and go play volleyball and then have something to drink. And it was just... Did you ever cheat on him? Yeah, I did not. So that's one thing is that while no infidelity occurred, he was still as broken as if it did occur. And after this time, we had a certain amount of time, I can't remember if it was six months, you know, we finally got to

this breaking point where I think it hit me, and we went to a counselor, and we saw a good priest, and over time, I would say about two years ago now, we got to a point where we were whole again. And while it still hurts for him, so this is why I'm calling because couples fight. So a couple of days ago, a fight happened and he brought up stuff that happened six months ago, eight months ago, two years ago, and he brings it into current fights. And while I want to be understanding of his wounds, and I totally know I hurt him, and he still has these trust issues, not only with me, but his past relationships. How can I be understanding and listen and be a good wife and listen, but not dwell on these past issues. I mean, I don't want to live in the past because I really didn't like how ugly of a person I was,

but I have to know that that's still so fresh in his mind, and those probably trust issues are going to come up for a while yet, and how do we work around this, or how can I be more understanding of this while not, I don't know, yeah, just dwelling on that person I was. I think, number one, you've got to forgive yourself. And if your husband, through time with a counselor, through time with just time separate, right, for a couple of years since then, if your husband's forgiven you, if he sat with your pastor, your priest, and he said he forgives you, you've got to forgive you, number one.

Number two, fights and painful moments, man, they dredge up old stuff and things come firing out of us sometimes. And you've got to give him some grace too. But at the same time, if he said he forgives you and he said he's ready to work on the marriage, this is two years ago, and y'all are whole and you're moving forward, then you're whole and you're moving forward. And so at some point, he's got to stop weaponizing the past also. Right. Now, I'm telling you that to tell you this. You cannot in a heated moment bring that up. That's not helpful.

That's not helpful. That's not supportive. Afterwards, right? Y'all go to breakfast, you go have lunch and you talk about the fight and you say, Hey, I didn't like what I said. I got frustrated, but I need you to not weaponize the past again. And you said, you forgive me. You said we put that stuff down. I'm living this new life. I've recommitted to our relationship. We're two years away from that stuff now. Let's continue to move forward. And at some point, both of you have to put those bricks down and stop using them to burden yourselves or stop using them as weapons. Or you just need to go your separate ways, right?

And I'm not a fan of that at all. It sounds like you've reconciled it and y'all are back in the same place. But picking up old bricks to throw them at each other, it does nobody any good. It just leaves bloody broken messes. So even if he has forgiven me, like obviously this hurt is still, you know, it's still maybe more fresh in his mind than we would like it to be. Is that something where he needs to go see a counselor by himself? Would it be more beneficial for us to see a counselor together?

You know, we've had some sessions. We've obviously been through marriage counseling, you know, for quite a while, but, you know, we took, we haven't been to one for probably a year now. Or is that just something he needs to work? Maybe I should give him the option to work through himself or if he wants to be by his side. Yeah, I think asking him, I think that's being a supportive partner, asking him to, um, what he needs, what he would like would like right his role in this deal

yeah i think it's i think you're a year out after something that was tough for both of you um whatever it works it y'all experience it as tough so a year out yeah go get a tune-up go check in let uh let him know you didn't like the way that fight ended you didn't like stuff coming up from a couple of years ago that you thought you were both past. You sound like you need help forgiving you. And you're still like to go back to the backyard and pick up old bricks and carry them around to the front yard every once in a while. We all do that. When I get sleepy and I haven't been eating well, and I'm having moments of shame and self-doubt, I'll think of things I said when I was 14 that I wish I could have back. And I'm an old man now. And I don't know where those things come from, but they pop up and I've got to be really diligent about controlling my thoughts and my behaviors and not giving them

headspace to dwell and to take root again. But your husband's got to go do some work for himself. You mentioned he's got past relationships where he's got challenges. He obviously ran into some trust issues with you. He didn't like the way you were handling yourself, which – and let's be honest. I don't blame him. If he's working nights, he's feeling like he's supporting you. He's supporting this family. He's trying to grow this new house, and you basically started dating again. You didn't cheat on him.

You didn't do anything that violated the letter of the law there. But for whatever reason, he was uncomfortable with you having a bunch of guy friends and going to bars and going to play and going to hang out and going to movies, which again, I don't blame him. But at the same time, it's not like he talked to you. Y'all worked it out. You forgave each other. You went and got counseling, and now you've moved on to this new life. So I don't want to belabor the point, but at some point, he's going to have to go do the work to get whole too because he's still hanging on to stuff. And this is a broader conversation for everybody, this idea that once you forgive something and you look somebody in the eye and you say, I am done.

I forgive you. I am giving you pardon or you've made, you've paid your penance. We're back together here. To pick that back up and hit somebody with that is just violence. It just doesn't make any sense. It doesn't help you. It doesn't heal them. I do understand saying things when you get frustrated and you get sad and you get upset. When your patience and your wisdom and your exhaustion thins out your decision-making ability, things pop out. I get that. But don't bring up stuff from the past just to abuse folks with. Don't do that.

Don't do that. And if you feel yourself doing it, if you feel yourself that becoming your default setting, this is the third night this week, the dishes are out. Just like that time three years ago. Don't do that. Don't do that. Because that becomes your issue, not theirs. All right, let's go to take one more call. Let's talk to Matt in Louisville.

Matt, hey, before we get going, is it Louisville or Louisville? It's Louisville. Louisville. I'm from Texas. We can always tell when somebody's not from the area because they say Louisville or Louisville. I'm from Texas and Tennessee. I'm going with Louisville, man. All right, Matt.

Always says this, sir. Matt from Louisville. Go ahead, brother. Yeah, so I'm calling in because my wife and I, we've been married almost 10 years in this October, this coming up October. This has come up before where she said that I've just been a very selfish person. A lot of times, like, she'll come and tell me that I've made her upset about something, and my go-to emotion seems to just be anger. Like, I just get mad at her for telling me that I messed up with something and that I didn't fix something the right way. And like, I guess I kind of get scared like when she brings that to me because I feel like I'm supposed to fix her problems.

Even if it's not a problem between us, it's just an emotion that she's had with someone else. And she's coming to me because I'm her husband, and I'm supposed to be there to listen to her. And I just, I don't know why, but my go-to emotion is anger. You just jumped issues on me. So you made it sound like one thing, but it's actually two. So she comes to you with challenges about you first, and you respond with anger.

And then separately, so there's a period at the end of that sentence, then separately she comes and talks about other feelings she's having, about other issues she's having with other people, and that makes you angry and frustrated too because you don't know how to solve those? Right, yeah. Okay, so let's deal with the first one. When she comes to you and says she's got problems with you or she doesn't like the way you've done something, is she right?

90% of the time, yeah. So why do you get angry? I guess because I try to be, I'm a perfectionist. I try to make everything perfect, and when something doesn't go the way I thought it should go, it angers me. And if I'm doing something and I thought I did it correctly and it was great, but it upset her and then she comes and tells me about it, I think that's where the anger comes from.

I thought, well, in my head it was perfect and it was great. Are you angry at her or are you angry at you? I think ultimately I'm angry at myself, but I take it out on her. And maybe I am angry at her too for a little bit because she pointed it out. But I know that's how I grow and I make improvements to myself when people point those criticisms out to me. Yeah, so dude, here's the thing. Um, Dr. Chip Dodd, I love the way he presents anger. Uh, he, he helped me reimagine anger. All anger is, is a cue that you care about something. It's a good thing. It is a directional arrow towards something that you are passionate about, that you love or that you care about. That's what anger is, right? Okay. Acting immature and acting like a six-year-old

and stomping your feet and yelling or lashing out to somebody, at somebody who's trying to help you, that's acting like a baby, acting like a child. And so feeling angry, having that well up inside of you, ah, I tried my best and it wasn't good enough or I tried my best and I just did the wrong thing. Man, that's natural feeling. That's good. Treating your wife with disrespect, treating her without dignity just because she's trying to lean into you, man, that's not cool. At the end of the day, you're letting your feelings and your emotions drive your car instead of your thoughts and your actions. Okay.

And so the default setting you've got to adjust to brother is think about a car, the front two tires, those are your thoughts, your thinking and your actions. And so when she comes in and says, Hey man, you did the dishes last night. You put them all in the wrong spot. We've talked about this. Can you please put them in the right spot? And the thought pops in your head. Oh, yeah, well, you – that's when you have a moment to stop. Stop that thought and say, nope.

And then you can replace that thought with, you're right, we've talked about this, and I was trying to do something nice, and I didn't do it right, and I'm going to fix that. And then your actions are you can stand up and go fix it. Or you can stand up and look her in the eye and say, thank you for telling me that. I was an idiot. And let that be that. But instead, you're letting the back two tires of your car, which is your physiology, like the way your body feels. Your heart gets racing and your chest gets tight and you flex your muscles and you're like, what's up?

And your emotions, right? They rage. You just get angry, angry, right? Right. And so you have got to practice moving your... letting the front two wheels of your car drive, brother. And then the other side of this, man,

when she comes to you with, hey, this happened today, this is a feeling I had, this is a frustration, why do you get angry about that when she's trying to connect with you that way? I don't know. That's a really good question. And that's kind of like what I'm trying to figure out is why that upsets me. I guess that's where like my selfishness comes in to where I'm just like,

well, that happened to you. That didn't happen to me me but that sounds like really bad when i hear it i've never actually said that out loud and that doesn't make me feel good so i'm laughing i'm laughing at you not with you okay like what why would somebody that you're married to for a decade of your life she's basically another arm and leg for you, right? Why does her thoughts and feelings annoy you? I don't know. That's a good question. Where is that selfishness rooted in, man? I guess maybe that I feel like, I mean, there's a couple issues that we're trying to deal with. We actually just started marriage counseling Monday night. Right. And so we're kind of working through that.

But I know when something hasn't happened that I need in our marriage, it makes those times when she comes to me with her feelings and I'm kind of like acting selfish. So I'm like, well, you didn't give me what I need, so I'm not going to give you what you need. So are you talking about sex? She doesn't perform like you want her to or with the regularity you want, so you're going to show her? Right. And where does that behavior usually start?

I'll just cut to the chase. It starts on a playground, right? You didn't pick me for your team, so I'm not going to pick you for my team. Again, we are back to my brother Matt in Louisville acting like a four-year-old. The beauty is, I will say this, you've done a very admirable

adult thing, and you have decided you're going to go work on this. Now, she may be dragging you, but the deal is you're going. Here's what I want you to promise me and the entire world listening to this podcast. You got it? Yep. When you go to your next counseling session, I want you to

tell them, I talked to some Yahoo on the radio, some quack on a podcast, and I said some things out loud that made me realize I'm selfish and I'm immature and I want to fix that. And my promise to you is there are ways to fix that. You and your wife are in a wonky dance right now where you have shut off all environmental signals for intimacy and for connection because she's coming to you with her feelings.

She's coming to you with her heart. And you are getting frustrated and annoyed by that because she's interrupting your game or you're checking out golf stuff on a website or whatever weird stuff you do in Louisville. And you're frustrated. And so she has no environmental signals saying that you want to be connected, you want to be intimate. And then you circle around and be like, hey, I'm not getting enough sex. And so I'm going to show you. And there's nothing sexual about what's going on in your house right now because you're annoyed by her. You're annoyed when she shares her heart.

You're annoyed when she doesn't do exactly what you want. And it's just making this figure eight of frustration, right? And so at some point, somebody's got to step up and say, I'm breaking the figure eight. I'm going to stop it. And sexuality and intimacy and volume, that starts with a series of environmental offs and ons, not a series of my sex drives more than yours. That's a whole other conversation that we can have another day. But I want you to start with your therapist, start with your marriage counselor. I'm proud of you for going, man. Walk in that door and say, hey, listen, I'm selfish. I'm immature. I act like a child.

The way I respond to you leaves no room for you to even think about intimacy in here because I've not created a safe and welcoming place, a place where you belong, where your feelings belong, where I can listen to you, where I can just look you on and say, that sucks. I hate that somebody treated you like that at work today. Or man, I didn't do the dishes right again. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm going to get it right. I walked right past my shoes that I left on the front porch. I didn't fill your car up with gas. I'm sorry. I'm going to make that right. And not that little boy rage. It's like, oh yeah,

well, I'm taking my bag and going home. That starts with you, Matt. That starts with you. And I think you've got the courage to do it. And I'm giving you a hard time because I see some of that behavior in myself. I see that behavior in millions of men all across the country where we were not taught, we were not trained on how to be in relationship. We were taught how to win. We were taught how to compete. And we were taught that being a boy meant being over, not with. And I want you to take this time, take this snapshot. You've been together a decade. You got decades ahead of you.

I want you to take this time with a marriage counselor, and I want you to learn the skills of connecting. Learn the skills of shutting your mouth and being with. Learn the skills of when you feel that anger inside that tells you you're not good, you failed, you suck, that you go, nope, I am a person of value. She loves me, and I'm going to go make this right because she's worth it. So, Matt, I want to honor you, man. Thank you for the call. Thanks for reaching out. Thanks to everybody who called today.

And as we always do, we're going to end the day with the lyric of the day, and I'm going to be honest with you. I wrestled with this because I've got four or five or six albums that I think are just incredible but at the end of the day no album can touch there's like Zeppelin

and the Beatles and Jay Z and then there's a big gap and then there's Poison and then there's a bigger gap and on top of that mountain sits Eric B. and Rakim. Eric B and Rakim from their classic album Paid in Full. And here's what they want everyone to know. They want everyone to know. Eric B and Rakim want everyone to know. They ain't no joke. Here's what they say. I ain't no joke. I used to let the mic smoke and now I slam it when

I'm done and make sure it's broke. What? And when I'm gone, no one gets out. No one gets on because I won't let nobody press up and mess up the scene I set. I like to wander in a crowd and watch the people wonder. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.