The Dr. John Delony Show - Are You Struggling With Addiction In Your Life?

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 02:09: I have a decade-long addiction to webcam girls 15:28: Teaching Segment on Addiction In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Dr. Gabor Maté I Don't Want to Talk About It - Terrence Real 24:13: How do I break the cycle of toxic behavior in my family? 34:30: Family keeps sharing political articles and videos on social media, how should I handle it? 40:25: Lyrics of the day: "Where the Streets Have No Name" - U2 These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Quick heads up for those tuning in, today's show is adult-themed, man. We've got addiction challenges, we've got childhood safety and relationships, and so make sure if young eyes or young ears are watching or listening that you preview the show first. And we're also going to be talking about parents and grandparents who won't stop sending end-of-times, political, crazy electronic communication to their kids. And what the kids can do about it.

Stay tuned. Hey good folks, I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show where I'm taking your calls about your life as you work, live, love, and interact with people in your head, in your home, in your schools, in your neighborhood, everywhere, everyone. Live, love, that sounds like one of those Pinterest things that go up in your living room, right? But whatever, we're talking about go up in your living room, right? But whatever. We're talking about your relationships, your relational IQ.

We're going to talk about parenting. We're going to talk about addiction. We might even talk about that one dude you have in your life that's dubbed themselves the grammar police, right? When you're telling a story and you're all into it and they stop you and they're like, it's not me and my friends, it's my friends and I. And you're just like, oh, you shut up. We're talking about all of it today, right? So if you want someone to hear you, you want a second opinion, worth about what you're

going to pay for it, or anything, I'm here to walk with you, right? So give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message Leave a detailed message Kelly will check out your message Leave your number She'll call you back

And see if we can get you scheduled for the show If you're more comfortable emailing Email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com Askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com Leave your name, your number And a brief message And we will get back in touch with you. So we're going to go right to the phones.

We're going to talk to John in Seattle. John, how are we doing? Honestly, I'm tired, man, but I'm good. Oh, man, I'm so grateful. So listen, before we get going, I want to talk directly to the audience here and kind of let you know about my conversation coming up here with John. The reality is John and I have already recorded a conversation together, and it went about 20 minutes or so, maybe a little bit longer. And the short of it is,

I messed up the call. I didn't do a good job responding. I was wordy and verbose. And most importantly, I didn't pay attention to a couple of key things. And so I used wrong language. I was wordy and verbose. And most importantly, I didn't pay attention to a couple of key things. And so I used wrong language, I used wrong terms, and I stumbled through, just my response was just poor, right? And one of the reasons that I wanted to talk to John again is what he has, what is going on in his life is important. But two, I want to let everyone listening to this show know, coaches aren't perfect, mentors aren't perfect, counselors aren't perfect. The people in your life that you entrust your heart with, your advice to, man, they stumble and they mess up.

And so I wanted to go first in this exchange here and let everybody listen to the show. John, let you know, man, I'm sorry. I didn't do a good job the first time around, still getting used to the show, how everything works. And your situation was unique for me, man. And I want to let everybody know that it's okay to give somebody else another shot. So John, I'm really grateful for you calling back and letting me have a mulligan on this one, brother. No, I appreciate it. And listen, I'm a big fan of yours. I respect what you do. Um, and I value your opinion and I, and I realized myself that I do need a little bit of help and, uh, yeah, I, I, I appreciate it. And I'm, I'm thankful for getting another shot to

talk to you. Well, thank you so much. So let's, let's walk it back to the beginning. What's going on in your life and how can I help? Yeah, so, you know, I'm in my late 40s. I like to consider myself a success. I have a very well-paying job, thankfully, and I work a lot of hours like I did yesterday, about 16. Yeah, I know. And that's every other day or so. And, but I, I struggle for a long time now with an addiction to, you know, I guess what I like to call webcam models, talking to a woman online, you know, only online and just talking erotically to them. You know, that's my addiction, and I spend a lot of money doing it. Tell me about the money you've spent. Tell me how much time.

Tell me about what this is costing you. Well, I mean, financially, I mean, tens of thousands of dollars, probably a year at least. And that's probably being kind. And time, I just find myself, you know, when, you know, instead of reading a book or working on a novel, I should be writing or something. You know, I'm on the Internet, just looking around on these websites for probably a connection and interaction um you know that only lasts you know 10 or 15 minutes um but you know before you know it three hours has gone by you know and it's it's a it's a time suck. Right. And so for those listening, webcam girls are really people on demand, right?

So they'll come into your internet in your house, or if you put it on your big screen TV, they'll come in and you can talk with them. You pay by the minute, right? What is it? Three to five, three to six bucks a minute, something like that. And they'll basically do whatever you ask them to do over five minutes ten minutes two hours is that am i am i right there you're a hundred percent right and the interesting thing it's like in today's world of the internet it's it's not just like

it's actually you know people would be surprised i think by who these webcam models are you know these are normal women who have had regular jobs and now because of covid or whatever they needed to make an extra income from their home you know they're single mothers they're real people which i think is what also makes it so enticing you know sure um you know so you do feel like you have some type of real connection to them, which I lack, you know. Their job is to make you feel connected, right? Like they're actresses. Their job is to make you feel loved, appreciated, and more importantly, to keep you on the line as long as possible. Because every minute is another cha-ching, cha-ching.

Is that right? Overall, yes. I don't think they all are – they're real. They realize you've got to go, you've got to do things. Okay. But that's what I'm saying, they're just real people, which I think is what also makes it so enticing. It's not necessarily just a fantasy girl

that is completely unattainable, if that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. So last time we talked, we dug in a little bit to your past and just for the sake of the time, you don't come from a home of abuse. You've got good parents. You've got a great job. You are somebody that your community counts on and is always with you. When you step back 30,000 feet and you say, I've got this behavior that is costing me money,

it's costing me time. Where do you think this comes from? What are you hiding from? What vulnerability are you protecting yourself from getting hurt? Yeah. You know, that's a good question. You know, it's, I don't know. It definitely comes from you know a long long time ago you know uh i used to read erotica um and like that's when i was like in college somehow i started reading erotica and as with a lot of addictions you know the erotica you know becomes a more heightened sense of erotica and that's what you know when things progressed you know it became just calling you know. And that, you know, when things progressed, you know, it became just calling, you know, somebody on the phone, you know, before the whole, you know, webcamming.

The old 1-900 numbers back in the day, right? Yeah. And then that turned into, oh, you could actually see somebody's face. So it goes back quite a long time, well over 20 years. So what happened now that makes you want to stop doing this behavior? Well, a lot of it is financial. And yes, I do make a good living, but I recognize how much money I'm spending. And I have for a while. And I don't know, like maybe because I'm so close to being debt free,

you know, following, you know, your boss, Dave Ramsey, as you alluded to last week. It really bothers me how much money I am, you know, I'd say wasting, but wasting, you know, and I have been in relationships

where I don't do it. You know, I don't have the compulsion to call if I am in a relationship, but I am not often in a relationship, you know, and that's probably a whole nother issue. Like, why can't I fall in love and meet that right person? Right. But what I do look for somebody, you know, and this is the other reason, I think it inhibits how I think of that person, like, initially. Like, I want to know, are they open-minded? Are they, you know, for lack of a better word, kinky?

Okay. You know, and I think that's not healthy. One of the things that stuck in my head the last time we talked and it's just kind of bounced around like a bouncy ball in there for the last couple of days has been this idea that I don't know, or I haven't been convinced by you, John, that you want to stop this behavior or this interaction. I understand that you don't like the derivative effects. You don't like a smaller bank account. You don't like that when you meet somebody new, your head immediately goes to, I wonder how bizarre this person would be or how different this person would be. Or to not use normed words, right? I wonder if this person shares my same sexual identity. I wonder if this person is into the same things I'm into. And you miss the human exchange, right? Just the hi, how are you's and just the joys and ups and

downs and sadnesses of just getting to know somebody. I didn't get a sense that that's something you want to stop, webcam girls. You just want these other things. Do you really want to quit this behavior or do you just want to be debt-free and have a good relationship? And I hope you can see the difference of my question there. Yeah. I mean, I think there's a happy, yeah, that's a good question. There's a happy medium in a way, you know, I mean, listen, if I'm in a relationship, I do not feel that I need, you know, these women, you know, on the internet. Um, but, you know, I do feel, or I've convinced myself that they are giving me something, you know, with, you know, decreasing with decreasing my anxiety before work. Or I do feel sometimes it's necessary.

Or I justify it, well, I'm single, so it's okay. So make no mistake, man, they are giving you something. They are giving you release. They are giving you connection. However broken and crooked it is, it's still connection, right? It's still intimacy. And not true vulnerable human-to-human intimacy, but it is an intimate exchange, especially as you mentioned, these aren't models. These aren't professionals. These are run-of-the-mill folks, normal folks from our neighborhoods, right, trying to make some extra money, they are giving you an opportunity to escape. They are giving you an opportunity to not live in the reality that you're lonely, not live in the reality that for 20 years you've wanted this thing, and not living in the reality that life is filled with complexion and frustration and real relationships take a lot of work and they are hard and they're uncomfortable. They do give you all of those things, right?

And so when you're coming up against an addiction, there's got to be a moment when you say the pain of continuing this addiction is I want that gone more than the benefit I'm getting from it. And to be honest with you, man, I don't hear that from you yet. I hear an annoyance and a frustration, not a face in the dirt. I have to be done with this. And for a 20-year addiction, I think that's where you've got to be. I think you can't casually or sort of or happy medium your way out of this situation. Or you've got to find somebody who's going to be a partner with you that's going to be into it too. And that's a whole other phone call, right? But it doesn't sound like you're at a place where I've got to be finished with this.

Am I wrong there? I don't know. That's a good question. I mean, that's a good question. I know I keep saying that, but it's, um, I think by reaching out to you and putting, you know, to air to whoever hears it, I'm pretty close to that. Um, you know, I feel very vulnerable. Uh, I mean, part of me, part of me wanted to call also because I appreciate all the people who call about other things that a lot of people don't talk about. And I know a lot of people have this type of thing. And I thought it was important also for them to hear who hears this, you know, about, you know, this type of addiction.

But I do feel you're you're right i mean because i deal with alcoholics and i i haven't hit rock bottom you know in that way and uh you know i think because i do make a good living it's almost in a way preventing me from hitting rock bottom because i haven't lost you you know, my family, my home, alienated, you know, personal relationships in my life. And that's a common challenge with functional recreational drug users, right? As it begins to slowly take over everything. If you are excellent at your job, you do make a good living, you can buy yourself years

of punting that challenge down the road before it comes and gets you, right? So here's the thing. I want to address a couple of things, and I even brought some notes this time. I think it's important for everyone listening to this, an addiction to webcam girls, an addiction to what I would call a sexualized addiction, where you are numbing the challenges and the frustrations and the fears of real relationships, and you're trading that for really, I guess the old joke is the oldest job on planet earth, right? Which is sex in exchange for money. I want everyone to hear that that's sensationalized, right? This is a real challenge in a real person's life, but most of us don't walk through our

lives struggling with an addiction to webcam girls. But I don't want a listener to this podcast to give themselves a pass on the idea that addiction is addiction is addiction. As a culture, if you look at what's happening in COVID, we are drinking too much. I heard 300 times alcohol sales are up. Working too much is an addiction, sexual infidelity. Purchasing things, buying things, just getting that quick dopamine hit when you click through Amazon. Working out too much, being addicted to measuring

your macros and micros. This, as a culture, we will do anything to not feel the pain and frustration and exhaustion of just everyday living. And so while, John, while your thing is out there, right, it's sensationalized and it's webcam girls and millions of people listening to this are going to go, whoa, I don't even know that exists or I've never even heard of that or I just read about that once. I don't want people to give themselves a pass, right? So addiction is addiction is addiction. The second thing is if you actually want to solve this problem, right? And again, I'm not super convinced that you're fully in there, John, but if you do, I want you to do two things. Number one, I want you to pick up a book by Gabor

Mate called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's the single greatest book on addiction I've ever read. I know there's probably a million other ones, but it's a book that really spoke to me. As an author, Gabor, Dr. Mate speaks to my heart in several ways, but it's a book on addiction and it walks through the path that people take to get where they are. I also want you to pick up a book by Terrence Real called I Don't Want to Talk About It. It's the secret legacy of male depression and folks, men especially, who get wrapped up in sexualized addictions or addictions of power or addictions of disconnection. They just go off into another place and then you find yourself out in the woods somewhere and you don't know the path to get back.

So those are two important books. I also want to just, I can't say this strongly enough. You cannot get through addiction. You cannot change your life behavior, particularly one of 20 years, by yourself. You're going to have to get into a Sexaholics Anonymous group. You're going to have to get into a 12-step group of some sort. You're going to have to get with a local church or a local community group. You're going to have to get to some group.

And I'm going to recommend if your addiction is on the internet, if your addiction is online, that that's not a good place to find community. And I know that stinks, especially now in COVID, man, that just sucks. But going online, logging in, that whole thing is going to kick in a trigger and that's going to start the compulsion process. Dr. Mate in his book, he talks about five quick things, and I'll run through them real quick. He talks about when you have these urges, remember that this is not a broken brain. You don't have a disease. You've got a disordered brain, a malfunctioning brain that is trying to compensate for a lack of stability, a lack of vulnerable relationships, a lack of identity, right? And so what you're trying to do when you change your thoughts and your actions out of an

addictive behavior, you're really trying to heal and transform a malfunctioning brain, he says. So here's the five steps he gives you. Number one, you have to relabel thoughts and urges, right? You don't need to eat that junk or withdraw, but you've got to stop yourself as these urges come, right? You may have a feeling, this urgency, you know, John talks about this feeling of urgency, this compulsion, but there's actually nothing urgent going on. And so you have to relabel those feelings as things I have to do to, okay, now I've got to ask myself a hard question. What's my brain trying to protect me from? Is it the stress of going to this busy job

that John has? Is it this frustration that's, ah, I need to get this released before I go to work so I can be calm? It's this impending anxiety. Whatever this feeling, this compulsion is. Number two, you have to re-attribute it to something else, right? You've got to re-attribute it towards from these things that happened to you or this bad behavior or here comes my compulsion. Again, I'm feeling myself, want to log in. Stop dumping a bunch of garbage onto those thoughts and just re-attribute them to, man, what's my brain trying to protect me from? Anytime you're about to buy something, smoke something, drink

something, text that old girlfriend, anytime you are about to go back to the gym for a second time, ask yourself, what is my brain trying to protect me from? And then you can even get to a place through mindfulness where you think your brain. You say, thanks, brain. I appreciate you taking care of me. The third thing is you've got to refocus. And I know this sounds cheesy or lame, but you have to decide in that moment when you feel that compulsion and you relabel it to, thanks, brain, for taking care of me, you have to then choose to go do something else. In 12-step programs, you call your sponsor. In weight loss programs, you go outside of your home and you go for a walk, right? Whatever it may be is you are starting to refocus and teach your brain that it doesn't have to obey, as Dr. Mate says, it doesn't have to obey the urgency

call. The fourth thing is you have to revalue. And he suggests it's called devalue, right? But this is just to really drive into your head that the real impact of this urge is disaster. It is tens of thousands. The last time John and I talked, about $100,000 he spent on webcam girls. At some point, somebody at work is going to find out. Somebody's going to release the footage of the webcams. Somebody's going to put something out there. Somebody's going to look at your receipts and see just how much you've been drinking. Or you're going to miss a ballgame.

Or you're going to drive drunk. Or any number of things that are on the back of addictive behaviors. You've got to revalue it and understand that this only leads to disaster. It's going to feel good right now. It's going to give me release. This ends in a train wreck. And then you've got to recreate. This is the final one. You've got values. You've got passions. You've got talents, capabilities, he says, but you have to recreate. You've got to recreate new relationships, new default settings, new behaviors. And that ultimately your brain will begin to, instead of feeling that compulsion to log into Webcam Girl, to go have something to drink, to get on Amazon and buy something, to just sit in front of Netflix and mindlessly scroll. It will say, we need to go for

a walk. We need to go hug my wife. I've got to take my kids and go hold both of their hands. And we're going to go out into the woods and the rain, whatever it is, but your brain will recreate new paths that you can follow. So again, I want to, I want to thank John for number one, for giving me a mulligan on this one. I want to thank him for being vulnerable and take, taking something out of the darkness that people struggle with, whether it's pornography, whether it's sexual addiction, infidelity,

whatever it is, webcam girls, and broadly announcing to the world, hey, I struggle with this and I've been struggling for a couple of decades. I also want to encourage John and everybody listening, find people in your life that you can be vulnerable and open with. That's the only path to true recovery from addiction. And then check out Dr. Mate's book.

These five values are in that book. And it was a transformative experience for me reading that book. It looks at how we treat addicts in this culture, how criminalization, it talks about all of it, right? So it's a good place for you to start. So we took a little bit longer with that call and with this idea of addiction. So again, I want to thank John and thank you all for listening. Let's go back to the phones. Let's talk to Marcus in Seattle. Marcus, how are we doing, good man? Doing great.

How about yourself? Good. Hey, first and foremost, how's the fires going? Are you and your family safe? Y'all doing okay? Yeah, we're doing fine. We got some rain last night. It looks like it cleared up the smoke a little bit.

Oh, that's fantastic. What a blessing. Well, Marcus, how can I help? Good man. So I have a question. How do I break the family cycle of behavior? How do I convince my daughters to get counseling when they do not want to talk to a counselor? My daughters are 10 and 12. A little backstory. I'm active duty of 14 years. I've been going through a divorce

process for almost a year and a half, and I was awarded full custody of my girls in March. During the divorce process, my ex was ordered to get a psych eval. It came back with an intermittent explosive disorder and paranoid personality. There are other behavior issues on my ex's side of the family that I'm concerned with. My ex has a set of twins with someone else, and she has called my youngest daughter a traitor, screamed at my oldest daughter because she didn't get the response she was expecting. And she claimed that my daughters are not mine, and I believe that they are, my girls. She's thrown baby bottles at me full of water, spit in my face, assaulted me.

I caught her on video and turned it in to the police, and she's facing domestic violence charges. She has claimed mental disorder in her defense, and now we're waiting on her to get evaluated for the trial. She went to NCIS and claimed that I sexually assaulted her nine months after our last sexual encounter. Also, she went to a Navy organization and claimed that the girls were harming themselves, but has no evidence to support the claim.

She has a history of control issues where she's not in control of the situation. She becomes out of control. All right. Hey, Marcus. Marcus. Yes. You've told me a lot about her. Tell me a lot about you.

Uh. As you've been talking, it sounds like you're're a broken exhausted ex-husband and you're a broken exhausted dad am i right yeah do you love those two girls nearly and then and then with uh covid and having to deal with homeschool all the time. Yeah. Thankfully my, my command has worked with me so I can be here during the day when, when they need me most.

But this is the part of the, I forgot to go through. Yeah. So Marcus, I want to tell you a couple of things. Number one, just dad to dad, I love you and I'm am grateful for you, and I'm proud of you, okay? Because what you're going through is a nightmare. Nothing gets in a dad's soul like somebody messing with his girls. And I know that that's their mom. I know that that's your wife. And normally, I'm pretty protective of ex-parents, but this sounds like a situation that is about their safety, their physical safety, their psychological safety, their spiritual safety. And so I want to reiterate, you're doing the right things.

I know that it's a DEFCON 2 pain when somebody reports something to your administrative structures and NCIS and those crews have to go through the rigmarole. That's such a beating and they want all your texts and emails. I know that just sucks, man. And so just the exhaustion of it, I want to hear you and say this sucks, this sucks, and I'm sorry. A couple of things that I want to put out there for you and then direct you to a few places. Number one, your daughters are 12 and 10. They don't get a choice. Yeah.

They have to, everything that they know about relationships, they learn from their mother and from their dad. And you know this with just forgetting the diagnostics here. They did not pick that up from mom, and they're going to have to, they're going to have a significant learning curve and a relearning curve. This counseling, I'm going to recommend you all do it together for the foreseeable future, because they're going to have to learn with the help of a neutral third party and with you involved how to have a real

relationship. And my guess is right now, broadly, they don't know how to do that. They've got a dad who is going to war for them, literally and figuratively. As a 10 and 12-year-old, they don't understand that yet, right? They don't get, they will circle back and realize, oh my gosh, my dad, what an incredible man. They're just 12 and 10, they don't get that, right? And so what you want to do with family counseling right now is to help them turn those alarms down to turn those off and or at least quiet them it's going to be hard as long as mom is is continuing to be a part of their their lives and i'm going to tell you something marcus i don't normally tell folks you tell me you got full custody is that right yes so you're going to have to be pretty protective of them and their

interactions with their mom because mom's not safe. Mom's not safe. Right now she's limited down to text messaging because of her conduct. And I would be relentless. I wouldn't give my 10 and 12 year old a phone. I've got a 10 year old and he doesn't know how to turn on a phone to save his life. I'm kind of a lunatic about that kind of stuff, but I would be relentless about checking their phones, checking their communication, because as your daughters get to be 14, 15, and 16, and they're going to be desperate for a womanly presence in their life, mom's going to transform to this cool, hip friend, right? is going to turn into this person that dad's not right and so i would be just relentless just relentless and um be over attuned to things like

physical touch make sure you're hugging your daughters you're holding their hands you're looking them in the eye that you come home turn all your electronics off and make them the center of the universe for a while. And I know that's hard. It's not convenient. That's mind-numbing and frustrating. But, man, you're in it. And I wish I could tell you otherwise.

More than anybody in the world as a soldier, you know there's just moments when, man, we're just getting shelled and this is it. And you're in that season with these girls. And I can hear in your heart that you love them. And I can also hear that you're exhausted. So here's my question for you. Do you have a place where you can go be well, where you can get a break, where you can put your oxygen mask on? Um, not really because, uh, in the mornings I'm here with the girls and then I go to work in the afternoons. All right, so Marcus, you are worth being well, brother. Yeah.

And you are worth getting a good night's sleep. You are worth eating okay. You're worth working out a few times a week. You're worth falling in love with again. And if you don't take care of yourself, you know this, you're going to end up face down in the mud. Yep. Okay? And I don't know what that looks like for you.

I'm talking from a – I'm with you is what I'm saying. When people in my life are hurting, my self-care goes out the window, and we just have to remember that old thing from the airplane pilots that if we lose cabin pressure, we've got to put our mask on first or everyone in our row dies. All right. Well, I am lucky I do have someone in my life that I have found. Good, good. She has been a lifeline.

Good. So when it comes to talking to your daughters, you're going to have to walk a balance. And I'm going to recommend you don't bad mouth mom. You don't talk bad about her being crazy or she's this, that. I would let your daughters know that mommy's sick. Mommy's sick. And she's not doing well. And daddy loves them more than life itself.

Daddy loves them more than they will ever understand. And the older they get, the more fun stuff y'all do, the more connected y'all do. Maybe y'all keep a letter writing journal where it's a spiral notebook you have with each daughter. And her job is to write you a note every day. And when they go to bed, you'll read it and respond to it. Or you'll wake up early in the morning. Don't read those at nighttime because sometimes it'll be pretty dark. But wake up in the morning and respond to them and let them know that you love them, but it's going to give them something tangible that they can hold on to and make sure you are taking care of yourself. But going back to your original question,

12-year-olds, 10-year-olds, they don't get a vote on whether they want to go to counseling or not. Especially in this situation, they will go. You will all go. This is something that you all are going to be in for the long haul, and I'm not a fan of going to counseling forever. This is something you're going to have to invest in because your daughters are going to have to relearn. And I say relearn when we think about knowledge, right?

We think about our frontal lobes. I'm not talking about that right now. I'm talking about our amygdalas. They're going to have to relearn. And I say relearn when we think about knowledge, right? We think about our frontal lobes. I'm not talking about that right now. I'm talking about our amygdalas. They're going to have to learn. Their bodies are going to have to learn how to relax, how to breathe, and how to be in relationship with other people. And they're probably going to struggle with this for a while. Thank God they've got a dad who loves them more than life itself. Thank you for your service to our country. Equally as important, if not more, thank you for being a dad who gives a crap, Marcus. There's too many parents who don't care, who write their kids off. God bless you, man, for being in the fight for your daughters.

Ah, what a gift. What a saint, brother. Thank you so much for your call. And we'll be thinking and praying of you. I want you to give me a call back, Marcus. I want you to give this four or five months. I want you to give me a call back. Let me know how things are going.

Let me know how counseling's going. Let me know how your intentional connection with your daughters, eye contact, daily journals together, prayer time together, working out together, whatever that looks like. I want you to know. I want you to come out, call me back and let me know how things are going. I'll be thinking about you. All right, let's go to one more call. Let's go to Kevin in Los Angeles. Kevin, what is up? Oh, you know, trapped inside due to quarantine and now there's smoke everywhere. So man, you folks in California are compared to the last compared to the last phone call. I am doing

fantastic. That definitely put things in perspective. Well, hey, listen, we don't do grief comparing here, so you're allowed to have a sucky, sucky week too, man. We are just praying and thinking for you folks in California. That's just a nightmare on top of a nightmare on top of a nightmare on top of, man, your housing's expensive. It all kind of sucks right now, doesn't it? Yeah, somewhat.

I mean, honestly, life is pretty good compared to, you said not to compare. There we go. All right. Life is good. 2019 life was better. Yeah. All right, Kevin, so how can I help you, man? So one of the things I wanted to ask about was um my mom and my grandma keep sharing

political videos and articles often dozens of times a day and most of it looks like propaganda to me um without telling them i actually unfollowed both of them on social media just because they were stressing me out with all the stuff they were putting forward and then they started just directly messaging me like all these things, all these videos about like, it's going to be the end of America if X gets elected, or Y is trying to rig the election, this, that, or the other. And I talked to my mom and said, hey, this stuff stresses me out. Could you please stop sending it to me? And she responded, well, I just want you to know what to pray for. And I feel like both

she and my grandma are using the excuse of prayer to kind of fall down a political rabbit hole. So would you say it's disrespectful for me to just ignore the messages, which is kind of what I'm doing right now? Or should I try to convince them that what they're doing is unhealthy? Man, that's a lot there. So I'm going to run through this relatively quick. Are you ready, Kevin? Yes. Number one, you named one of my pet peeves, brother, which is people who use prayer, who use mindfulness, who use this shroud of love and care to spread gossip about people, right?

We've seen these people at church are like, I don't want to gossip, but you know what Susie's been up to, right? We need to pray for Billy because he's about to go to jail, right? It's just a way to snake your way into a conversation that really at the root of it is about disparaging people. I can't stand that, right? So number two, dude, you've done the noble thing, which is to have the conversation. My recommendation is to have it one more time and maybe even via email so they can have it in writing and they can go back to it. And here's why when somebody's amygdala is engaged, when the stress center or fear center of their brain is on fire, they cannot be reasoned with, right? And our brains work that way on purpose. They don't want us looking at the entrance of a cave and being like, hmm, is that a nice bear

or a gentle bear? Maybe that's a mean bear. Our brains just are designed to say, run, dude, there's a bear. We'll figure out if he's nice later, we're out. And so when we have people in our lives, and we all do, Brother Kevin, who are convinced that this is the end of time, this is it, things are up, that if President A is elected, we're all going to be okay. If President B is elected, we're all going to die. We are going to die. And there are hurricanes in the Gulf.

Two of them just landed at the same time. The West Coast is on fire. Fill in the blank. It's all a struggle right now. When we have folks in our life like that, just sitting down and trying to talk facts and sense is not helpful. It's just not. And so yes, at some point after you draw that boundary and say, I'm asking you all to stop, I'm going to continue to pray for our country. I'm going to pray for our family. I'm going to pray for everybody. I don't need the details anymore. If they do it after that, then yes, you got to ignore it. You got to cut

them off. You got to block them. You can tell your mom, I'm going to call you, but I've asked you to stop sending me this stuff and you continue to do it. And I know that's a hard conversation to have, but it is a bold adult conversation. And my promise is she loves you more than the drama. And I think she'll come around, Kevin. You sound like a wise young man, wise beyond many of the folks I run with who just let our parents bombard us with some of this stuff and our kids and our friends and coworkers. But, yeah, draw boundaries. And then if people violate those boundaries, you have every right, every responsibility to yourself and those who love you to say, I'm out. I'm not going to respond to this nonsense. I'm going to block your phone call. I'll call you if I need something. For sure, block people on social media and whatnot. But I think

the proper way to do this is to write an email to your mom and your grandma and say, I am praying for our country. I love things. This type of information, I'm not interested anymore. I don't want to see it anymore. And please do not send it to me anymore. And Kevin, I've had those conversations in my life and the folks that know me and love me have respected those boundaries. And so, man, I appreciate the call. I know that so many people across the country, millions are dealing with this exact thing. And here's the deal. At the end of this election, regardless of who's elected and who ends up in Washington, who's not in whatever, I'm still going to have to go to Starbucks, see the person at the counter.

I'm still going to pump gas next to you in your car. I'm still going to see you at the grocery store. I'm still going to email back and forth to you at work. At the end of the day, our relationships with one another is all that matters. My problems are not going to be solved in Washington, good folks. My problems are going to be solved locally, in my neighborhood, in my office, in my heart. I believe that strongly. And I want to encourage everybody to begin to open back up to your relationships around you with your loved ones and respect each other's boundaries.

All right, so that wraps up today's show. We're going to end the lyrics of the day. Listen, the last couple of weeks as this show has launched, I've said this is the greatest ever since greatest ever. I haven't been telling the truth. This is the greatest album of all time, and on this album is the greatest song of all time. It's a 1987 album by the band U2. It's the Joshua Tree record.

And the song that has burrowed its way into hearts of millions of people across the world is where the streets have no name. And it goes like this. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside. I want to reach out and touch the flame where the streets have no name. I want to feel sunlight on my face.

I see the dust cloud disappear without a trace. I want to take shelter from the poison rain where the streets have no name. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.