The Dr. John Delony Show - Ask Me Anything #5: John Answers Your Questions About Himself

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

On this episode, we answer your questions on things like: What exactly are intrusive thoughts? Is it okay that I don’t want family to hold my newborn? Is therapy always so emotional and draining? Lyrics of the Day: "Firework" - Katy Perry Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. So we're going to start this AMA. I have an overactive conscience and was raised to over-apologize. You have an overactive conscience? I do. I tend to apologize for apologizing. You have like three open beers under the counter right now. Nope. No, I don't. Mother, no, I don't. Gangster, what's up? This is the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'm so glad that you're with us on the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever, ever recorded.

Just going to keep saying it, keep saying it, keep saying it it so glad that you're with us um it is one day two days before new year's two days two days before my favorite moment of the year and if you've been riding with us for a couple years you know new year's is my favorite time because all of us just collectively take a mulligan we're like, you can literally say anything like, ah, man, I really got into heroin bad, but my new year's resolution is, and everyone's like, cool. That sounds great. It's like, man, I, uh, I just started burning down people's homes, but like my new year's resolution, no more arson. Everyone's like, awesome. That sounds great. You can say whatever you want. You just get a mulligan, you get a control delete on whatever just happened.

And I, I know know you can you can change your life whenever on any random tuesday right um and i i've i've had to do that this year but i just love new year's as a time that we all collectively exhale and we're like let's do that one again let's let's do that one again so i'm glad that you're with us um as we do every year on um the new year's show or right before new year's right after new year's is uh we do every year on the New Year's show, or right before New Year's, right after New Year's, is we do an AMA, Ask Me Anything, questions that people have written in.

Jenna and Kelly's still out taking care of her family. Her mom passed away, and so our thoughts and prayers are still with her. And Jenna's here to run things. Hey, and before we get going, listen, the show that you actually listen to or watch is very different than the show we record because the show we record is full of me stumbling and messing things up and saying things incorrectly and saying things that would get me fired, all that. Sarah just had a birthday. So happy birthday, Sarah. 21 is a big one. You can drink beers now, so it's going to be weird. But happy birthday and congratulations on making it this far. It's so awesome.

All right. So Jenna, the force is with you. Yes. Thank you. Let's do this. And with you too. All right. So we're going to start this AMA.

First question. Are you ready? Let's do it. This is the one that everybody wants to know. What is your current morning routine? Okay. So backing up three years, it was intense. It was like 14 different things or 50 different things.

And I crammed it all in an hour and a half in the morning. It was very regimented. And then last year, my life exploded on this show. Not in a bad way, but I just started traveling all over the country and was writing and things just went bananas. And really, I got off in a pretty major way. And so, I revisited the importance of the morning. So, there's tons of research out there, tons of data. Taking ownership of your morning is critical. Having an intentional plan for your morning, whatever that looks like for you. And there's some debate on what's good and what's not good and when you should drink caffeine and when you shouldn't drink caffeine.

For most of us, there's a group of optimizers, people who are living their best life. They're making a bajillion dollars. Things are under control and they want to take that to the next level. Awesome. I have found millions and millions and millions and millions of people just like me, whose life is just a frog's hair away from being a mess. And so how can we begin to get a hold of that intentionality? And let's practice that for a year. And then after that, let's begin working on optimization and making things, the schedules tighter and things a little more better.

And should I do workout first and then eat? Or should I eat and then should I fast? Let's get the basics, the blocking and tackling down. So all I have to say is I had to revisit mine about halfway through this year. What's my morning? How am I going to re be intentional about my mornings? And so I was like this morning, um, got up at around right around five, a little bit after five. And I checked my HRV, which is a thing I do all the time. Um, and with my whoop strap, I checked my HRV and then I went downstairs and had a giant glass of water.

And then I went down and I either read, I'm in the middle of writing another book, or I write for about 20, 30 minutes in front of a big light. It's one of those winter lights, the seasonal affective disorder lights. But you can get it anywhere, but getting light. And it's been really rainy and gray here in Nashville but morning sunlight Huberman's done a great job talking about that so that's been a that's always been a part of my practice but it's become even more intentional so I sit in front of the light and let my body and mind fully wake up I do drink coffee right out of the gate I drink coffee and

then do a really tough tough workout in the morning Um, and so there is some research that says waiting an hour and an hour and a half Maybe two hours before you consume caffeine For me hopping right into a hard workout is important. So I then go from there to My workout so it's about 5 30 5 45 now And i've got my workouts on most days down to about 30 to 45 minutes. Um, and, uh, it just depends on what season I'm in. I've been running the maps program from the mind pump guys right now. I've, I've created my own workout program that is

really hard and it's really, but it's not very long. And so, um, then I get to working out and then I try to go upstairs and be totally present with my kids, by the way, no phones to the best, to the best I can. I do fall off that wagon, but no phones. Usually, uh, I have to turn my phone off and put it in my bag and let that just be off. Um, my whoop strap has a alarm on it that can wake me up in the morning and I rely on that. Um, and then I go hang out with my kids and do the morning stuff and take all my thorn vitamins and do all that. You like that product plug? That was pretty good.

And then on Tuesdays I take, uh, Hank and I, my 12 year old and I go to breakfast. Uh, this morning, Josephine and I went to breakfast at Waffle House, not a healthy restaurant at all, not even pretending to be, but still awesome. And my daughter and I had a blast this morning. I found out somebody has a girlfriend and somebody's got a boyfriend and they were only in kindergarten and it's just a scandal. It was awesome. I spent time with them. I do try to spend three or four minutes intentional with my wife in the morning just to check in. What's the picture of today look like? And, um, then I head off into work. And so globally speaking, I need to take my cold showers in the morning. So I get some light exposure, some significant light exposure, some really hard exercise. I do eat breakfast. I've been eating breakfast for the last year or so, which if you're new to the show, is that weird? I did intermittent fasting for years and so I just never had breakfast. I have to eat breakfast again for a whole host of reasons that nobody cares about.

And cold exposure and really close connective time. And then I'm off to work, man. That whole thing takes about an hour, hour and a half, sometimes a little bit more, sometimes a little bit less. And then occasionally I got to write or something. So it blows up my whole morning. Great. I owe my body a workout. I owe my body some movement and we'll just go get that done. So that's my current morning routine. Is that like yours? Yes, exactly. Exactly. You just read my exact, it's like you read my diary or something. I did actually. Yeah. Your husband sent the diary. We're going to read that in the next segment. Oh, great.

Love it. Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah, no, I don't really have one. I probably should get a corner morning routine. I just like roll out of bed, and then I get ready, and I go out the door. Next question. I get a cigarette. I shake off the morning, get a Coors Light, and then head to the office.

Pretty much. All right. Next question. How do I talk to my father about his health, and do I get a vote? Directly and no. That's a loaded question because I don't know how old her dad is. I don't know how old this person is. I'll tell you about a conversation I had with my dad recently. Like, how are you? How are things going? How's your, hey, I just got some

numbers back from a blood, some blood work I did. How does that compare to your blood work? Hey, I tried this, this particular intervention over this thing. So I have a pretty open dialogue with my dad about that kind of stuff. I did, I got a colonoscopy a few months. I think I talked about this. I got it and I called my mom and said, hey, I just wanted you to know I'm going to get a colonoscopy. I don't know why. I didn't call her just for that.

We're talking about something else. I don't call my mom like, mom, guess what's happening? I didn't do that. But she said, oh, that's probably a great thing. And she rattled off all these people in my family history with, they've had colon cancer. And I was like, mom, I need to know that. And she's like, I know.

So my dad and I talk about it. Here's where I don't get a vote. I don't get a vote on what he eats. I don't get a vote on his weight. I don't get a vote on whether he works out or he doesn't work out. If he becomes incapacitated, then we've had discussions on medical power of attorneys and things like that but when it comes to the choices my grown father chooses about his health

no i don't get a vote i can't make him do something until again he becomes capacitated incapacitated and i become his legal guardian But I do believe in expressing love and care to our parents. Hey, I'm worried about you. You haven't seen yourself, seemed like yourself lately. Man, you've lost a ton of weight. You look amazing. Or hey, you don't look as healthy as last time I saw you. You're doing okay. If you don't have that kind of relationship with your parents and you just launch out of the gate with, wow, you put some pounds on, that's a recipe for disaster. Don't do that. But I do think spending some adult time with your parents, if you can, and you're in proximity. Sometimes my mom and I went for a long walk when I was back in town. Sometimes my dad and I would go to breakfast

together. But there's something about saying, hey, check it in. How are you? How are you feeling? How are things going? Anything changed with the will? Anything changed with like, so that's just a regular part of our conversation, but I also have to hold loosely. I don't get a vote. I don't get to decide how he's going to live his life. That's good. Next question. Man, this one really hits home. I have an overactive conscience and was raised to over-apologize. How do I get out of this? Oof. You have an overactive conscience? You? Me? Why is that surprising?

I don't know. I do. I tend to apologize for apologizing. You have like three open beers under the counter right now. Oh, good God. Nope. No, I don't. Mother, no, I don't. So, over apologizing. Let me ask you this um so uh over apologizing let me ask you what does over apologizing get you i think i just feel like i don't want somebody to think that i purposefully

did something or like if i messed up i feel like i have to apologize because that's not my attention like i don't want them to think that of me okay tell me if i tell me if i'm wrong the pursuit of happiness which i think is is insane turns into the avoidance of discomfort and i often so we've created a culture for ourselves of which i'm a fully a member of where we don't know how to be uncomfortable like the woman who called said yesterday on the show, she's like, I quit smoking weed. And now I just feel like I'm standing there wondering what to do with my hands. Cause I haven't felt awkward before. Cause I just smoked and covered it up or I ate and covered up or I spent and covered it up or I went and hooked up with somebody else,

covered up whatever our addiction of the day is. And so, um, apologizing apologizing, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. That is a way I can offload any discomfort. So it's less about them and it's more about protecting me. And so if somebody wants to stop being an over apologizer, then you have to be willing to sit in relational discomfort that isn't of your volition. Meaning when you over-apologize, you are trying to take ownership of how somebody else feels and fix it for them. You can't.

They are adults and they get to choose that. Does that make sense? Yes, that definitely makes sense. So why do you do that? I'm just kidding. Don't ask this. It's the worst question. No counselor should ever ask,

why did you do that? That's not a good question to ask. So I think it would be, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable and to say, I can only control me. I didn't try to hurt that person. This person is choosing to be hurt by what I said. I'm sorry that they're uncomfortable. And if they want me to explain more, if they want me to dig into, I'm all for that. But I can't just walk around and be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And by the way,

not only are we covering up for our own discomfort, we're trying to take away discomfort from somebody else. And I don't have that kind of power. I'd like to think I do. Like my kids feel uncomfortable. Oh, I'm so sorry, son. And my son's like, dad, I didn't do this. It's on me. I'm like, I know. I'm just so sorry. I can't take away that hurt. It'd be better if I just went and sat with him and hugged him and said, this is the worst, man.

You know what I mean? It's a different thing. Yeah, that's really good. Stop apologizing. I know. I need to stop apologizing. I feel like I just sometimes I'm like, I just need to be like, I like to be in control. And I feel like when I'm not in control of like how somebody perceives, I don't know.

I need to just let it go. As Elsa said. Exactly. Don't hold it back anymore. Yes. Awesome. Okay. Next question.

What exactly are intrusive thoughts? Intrusive thoughts are lightning bolts. They are, you're walking down the road and you see somebody in a particular kind of jeans and you instantly go back to that girlfriend you had or that boyfriend you had. And then that thing they said to you, like it is boom. Or if heaven forbid, you've lost a child or a loved one. It's, you're just doing something and you look in that picture of them in the funeral home pops into your mind or that feeling you get when something happened to you years ago and it just reemerges. So that is an intrusive thought. They just come. at the end of the intrusive thought, the cascading sense of worry and shame and now my body's trying

to protect me and all that, I just have to deal with that. And that's not true. The moment an intrusive thought happens, boom, I'm going to take ownership of it. So I'm going to remember that picture. I am choosing. I'm not going to think about my kid at the funeral home. I'm going to think about my kid laughing so hard, cotton candy and milk came out her nose at the same time. I'm going to not intentionally, oh man, that time you got dumped. And when so-and-so said this,

I'm not going to meditate on that. I'm going to meditate on the person I'm with right now and how much we laugh together and how much fun we have. And what will happen over time is your brain will stop. It will begin to change the automatic dial from these moments of, remember, watch out, to look how beautiful, look how beautiful, look how beautiful. And quite honestly, intrusive thoughts, they just are what they are. I just don't lose a lot of sleep over them anymore.

I used to let them run my life, and they just don't get a vote anymore. Do you have them? Yes, I think I do. Yeah. Yeah. I think I have intrusive thoughts of like, more so of, I don't trust myself. Ah.

I have a huge fear of heights. Okay. And so I find myself like, if I'm up high somewhere, I'm like, I don't trust myself to like, I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't trust myself to like, I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't trust myself to not throw me off this ledge. So I just avoid it. I know that seems weird, but you should go see somebody. It's like,

like, I'm just like escalators. I hate escalators because I know there's nothing on the sides of them. And I get on the escalator. I'm like, but what if I just like something in me just is like flips over and I fall out. And I just. And so that's a great moment. The moment you think, what if you were able to go, nope, my body's trying to protect me. Thank you. I'm good.

Escalator's just going to the top. And we're able to cut that sucker off right there and smile about it. Not go, but go, oh, look, my brain's trying to take care of me again. I'm square. I'm good. Not a lot of people fall off escalators. It happens. They're on Instagram, but very rarely, right?

Over time, your brain will stop trying to get your attention on escalators because it knows like, oh, Jenna's fine. She doesn't fall off escalators. Only they do, right? It's awesome. Very cool. All right. Hey, let's take a break. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Dillon Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea.

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slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. We are back for another installment of Ask Me Anything, New Year's edition on John's show. I think we should move to John's show. People get confused and think it's about toilets. I was literally just thinking about when you said that. I was like, they might be like the John show. Different kinds of commodes and toilets. It's a really riveting show. So exciting.

All right. On to the next AMA. On to the next question. My family makes fun of me for seeing a therapist. What should I do? No, quit telling your family that you see a therapist. Ta-da. Done. We have this culture of oversharing. We're obsessed with oversharing. And I did. I realized in the last segment, I just, I told my mom that I went and got a colonoscopy. Our family talks about that kind of stuff, but a lot of, I don't tell my parents every time my wife and I have a fight. I don't tell them when I'm seeing a marriage counselor.

I didn't tell my parents I was seeing a regular counselor or the psychologist or the therapist. I saw after that. I don't, I have, I have a coach that I talk to semi-regularly. I don't tell my parents about that. I don't tell them. It's not their business. They don't need to know that stuff. And if people are going to make fun of you for getting the help and care that you need, they are by their behavior. Remember, behavior is a language. They are telling you, we don't care about you that much. We are opting out of parts of your life. Cool. You are free to go.

You're free to go. So really with anything, if I feel strongly about something, let me, I'm trying to think. Here's a good example, hunting. I think I've talked about on the show, like that's a big part of my life. My family, we probably three or four nights a week eat wild game throughout the year. And so in the fall during hunting season, that's a big season for us. I hate killing. I don't like it. I do like provision and I do, it's a spiritual thing for me. And I've brought my son along with me. And I've also got some friends that I do this with. And so it's a part of our life. I also have friends that are hardcore vegans that are very anti-guns that are great. I love them. Our kids play together. They spend the night at my house

when they're in town. That's awesome. I intentionally am hospitable and I don't talk about hunting with them because I don't want to have with them because I don't want to have a fight. I don't want to have a discussion. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I'm just not that guy. And I know some of you are like, oh, they got to – you got to be able to – no, you don't. Stop. Stop.

Be hospitable. So that's just like – if you're going to make fun of me, you're going to talk about it. I just want to bring it up with you, and that's cool. And I'll keep that part of my life to myself, and that's all good. Every single person I interact with, every person I love and care about doesn't have access to every part of me that's good all right next question i just had a baby and i'm concerned about the rise of rsb my family gets mad when i won't let them hold her what can i do to keep her safe your family doesn't get a vote. They don't get a vote. And first time baby,

I'll just say anxiety, even though that's not clinically accurate. Just the anxiousness you get about cleanliness. Am I doing this right? Is this the right diaper? Is microplastics going to get in my baby? And is the pollution going to do this? And what about it? That's completely normal. And so what I know about me is when I get worked up about something, I get really emotional about something. When I get emotional about something, neurologically, I don't make good choices. And so one of my life's goals is to have a person. Just today, just today, I called a friend who's a banker who I love and I trust. And I said, I'm having a challenge with a financial decision I'm going to make. And you are going to get the final decision.

And he said, go for it. Because he knows this is how I operate. And I trust him implicitly. And he knows me for 30 years now. He also knows the financial markets and he knows, like he knows he's one of the, he's a part of my will, like in terms of being an executor. So he knows how much money I make and how much money I have. I'm completely open with him. And I said, Hey, what should I do about this? And he said, I would do this.

That's what I'm going to do because I've outsourced that decision. So I tell you that to tell you one of my goals is to have a guy, have a woman who's brilliant at a thing, have a man who's brilliant at a thing. And so when you find yourself getting anxious about your new baby, have one or two friends. Someone may be a nurse practitioner. Somebody may be a neonatal

nurse. Not everybody's got access to that. So have a doctor that you can call. Hey, I'm really worried about this. Is it okay to let my family hold my baby? Because I'm going to outsource those decisions that make me extra, extra emotional. I did that with COVID and with all the vaccines and all the drama. I knew I've got real strong opinions and I might be completely wrong. So I'm going to call people that I trust in other areas of my life and help and get there in more informed position than mine. Right. And I do that with a lot of things and it just makes a lot more peace in my life because here's what I've come to find out the wisest smartest smartest wisest and most peaceful people I know say the words I don't know, but I can find out more than anybody else. I know

It's those who really struggle with self-esteem those who really struggle with their place in the world Those who really are trying to prove to everybody how smart they are that always have an opinion on everything And I I know that's ironic because I got a show where I'm always telling my opinion, but if you know me just hanging out, I don't know. I don't know. What do you think? I don't know. And I just think that's the sign of true wisdom. So if you're struggling with the rise of RSV and a new baby, have a medical professional who knows what they're talking about that you trust and ask them. Then if they say, yeah, it's so okay for your family to hold your baby. Then when you hand your baby over, feel that anxiousness. Ah, my body's trying to protect me

and my baby. And then exhale. That baby's going to be all be all right probably and also know this having a baby is scary because something could happen you gotta always hold that that could happen it could and trying to be a parent that prevents everything ever from ever happening to your kid is a um that's a that's a that's a miserable life for you and that child. And so we're not going to be, we're not going to not have caution. We're not going to be moronic, but also we're going to release,

we're going to open our hands, right? Call a doctor, call your friend, and let's get some good information. And if it's not safe to let your parents or family hold the baby, we're going to say, no, thank you. Or baby's not, we're not going to let the baby, we're going to say, no, thank you. Or, um, baby's not, we're not going to let the baby be held this time. Cool. And if they are like, oh my God,

then they don't get to see the baby. Ta-da. Um, and I'm, I'm, I'm going to feel guilty about it. I'm gonna feel sad about it, but I'm gonna move on with my life. Um, what is the difference between healing versus management and can we be fully healed man so that could be a number of things i'm just gonna assume it's like about trauma or anxiety maybe what do you think yes um i would say it just says like mental health issues like in general like anxiety probably so management is let's use anxiety management is i feel anxious so i've got five or ten breathing exercises and some apps on my phone and i've got some cbd gummies at all time and i have uh i don't ever watch tv because the news makes and i avoid all that and i never look at my tax returns or my 401k returns. And I completely avoid this part of the office because there's that one person over there and she's the worst or he's the worst. So I can manage my anxiety through some hacks, some techniques, and some avoidance. I can manage that. I can do that. And there is times and seasons when

that's really important. For instance, I got a big speech to give in front of 5,000 people. I'm going to get anxious about it. I'm going to manage the anxiousness, but the anxiousness is right. It's good because I'm about to go in front of 5,000 people and this could go horribly awry, right? So there's going to be some things I'm going to manage it. I'm not going to have as much caffeine. I'm going to do several things that work for me. Healing is creating, you hear me say this all the time, creating a non-anxious life. Healing looks like I just go to bed on time and I don't overdo it on the caffeine and the stimulants. And I only have sugar when I'm celebrating something. I just don't make that a regular part of my life.

And I make sure I check in with my wife on a regular basis and my kids on a regular basis. I'm giving my nervous system a chance to settle in so that it is ready for when an actual threat shows up. It's not running hot all the time and just going from hot to hotter. It's going from a low level hum to, oh, this is a pretty serious thing you should probably check into. That's healing. And so I was in Texas a couple of days ago for holidays and hunting trip,

just hanging out with some guys who also knew me. If you read On Your Past, Change Your Future, they were some of the guys I called to come look at my house when I thought the whole house was falling down. Right during 08, 09, 2010, during the financial crisis, I was an anxious basket case mess. And I tried to manage my anxiety through the right workout program and the right diet

and the right Bible study program and the right this and the right degree and the right job title. I tried to manage it. And then over the last 10 years, I've really worked hard to heal from my challenges. And I had to go back to the well and my relationships on the stories I was telling myself on my health, on a number of issues. I had to stop keeping secrets. I had to tell the truth about some hard things. I just had to shift and change and create. I had to pay off my debts. I had to stop owing people money. I had to stop coming up with schemes about this. I had to just settle in. It's going to be my job. It's going to be my job. I'm going to quit applying

for jobs. I said, create a non-anxious life. I had to get rid of clutter and crap everywhere in my house and in my life. And now we stumble into 2022 and there's inflation crisis and there's all kind of market madness. We're going to have a recession. Are we going to have a recession? Oh, my gosh. And every day is the next new drama. I literally have no anxiety about it. Zero.

None. And my buddies were like, dude, are you like on dope? Are you taking heroin? Like, how are you this chill? I'm like, no, I mean, I see the numbers and I don't like it when I go to the grocery store and I have to make alternative routes because the gas prices are so expensive

and I can't afford to fill up like that all the time. And I quit buying this and we decided to do this instead and Christmas is going to look different this year. But my body isn't taking off ahead of me in an attempt to defend me and fight wars for me that haven't happened yet. And so, yes, I believe you can heal. I really, really do. I believe you can heal from trauma so that you can think about, you can remember, you can feel the sexual abuse.

You can feel not the actual sexual abuse, but you can feel your body take off on you your heart rate drop you can feel the getting fired the divorce the dad when he hit you way way way too hard and your body doesn't try to protect you in the present because it knows it's in the past and it also is healed

your nervous system is adjusted to your new norm and we're going to move forward so i absolutely think management of uh symptoms is really important especially when you're on a path to healing um but yes i believe with all my i wouldn't be doing this job if it was just about management i really believe with all my heart and I've experienced it in myself and countless other people. Absolutely. You can heal and healing is uncomfortable. It's like after surgery, man, going to rehab. It's the worst.

Like you have to do all those exercises with your shoulders and knees and everyone's watching. It's the worst. And healing's on the other side of that, right? Yeah, that's the worst. And healing's on the other side of that, right? Yeah, that's really good. How do you get a healthy amount of sleep with a full-time job and two kids at home? Dude, it's the worst. It's the worst on top of the worst on top of the worst. My sleep has fallen into a dark hole of sadness.

It's a mess. It's just not great. My whoop strapped the last few weeks. It's just, I wake up and it looks at me and goes, that wasn't sleep. Like, it just is not great um my whoop strapped the last few weeks is just i wake up and it looks at me and goes that wasn't sleep like it just is not happy with me um so the only word i can let me tell you a couple things if you have two little kids you're just gonna have a season where getting sleep is gonna be a challenge just remember it's a season. The same as in the wintertime, there's just going to be a time walking from your front door to your car or going for doing your exercises

outside when it's uncomfortable. It's cold. I got to wear a jacket or I got to wear tights underneath my workout clothes. I got a goofball, right? It's just a season. So if you've got two little ones, you got a two-year-old and a one-year-old, getting nine hours of sleep at night is just about impossible. I don't know a scenario. I do know that I'm going to work extra hard on not overdoing it on my exercise routine, even though I am going to make sure I exercise. I'm going to be extra cautious about how much screen time I get. I'm going to be almost pathological, but not quite on nutrition and what foods I'm putting into my body. I'm going to be almost pathological, but not quite on nutrition and what foods I'm putting into my body. I'm going to be super pathological about having other people in my life. So if I

look at sleep as a major, major lever in a non-anxious life, and that one is going to be not able to, I can't pull it all the way because I got two little kids or I've got a huge work assignment due or we're moving in this and my husband just got laid off and my wife is this. Okay. I know this. So I can toggle the other levers. And that's just called intentionality. And it's also called boring and really annoying and super frustrating. It's not fun. It's not fun not knowing what's going on in the world It's not fun turning all your electronics off at 7 p.m All of them because then you're going to sit there staring at your spouse and your two-year-old and you're like, what do we do now? Um, it's not fun. It's just not like let's go for another walk. Let's go for another another walk

But that's the path right and? And then if you're like me, I got two kids. I got a 12-year-old and a six-year-old, almost entirely. My sleep issues, I've been averaging five to six and a half hours I wish I could blame somebody. It's 100% on me going to bed, getting off my stupid phone, not watching another show. And then another show and another show. I started reading fiction several years ago at bedtime. I don't read science in bed anymore. And then I got into some good fiction recently and I'm reading two hours before I go to sleep. That's just, I stop. I have to be a grownup and say no more, right? No more. Um, gosh, that's hard. Cause I love, I love all the other things, but I know that I can't be the dad. I need to be the husband. I need to be the

professional. I need to be, I can't show up for you all. I can't show up for myself if I don't have seven to nine hours of good sleep. And so 2023, that is one of my main focuses. I'm a guy who will be on time and a guy who will get sleep. Those are two of my major, major shifts going into 2023. So sleep's the worst and you got to, you got to. All right, we'll be right back and we will wrap up the AMA when we come back. Stay with us. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our

emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back for the third and final section of the AMA. Let's do this. What you got? Yes, let's kick it off. All right.

Does forgiving someone mean that you have to let them know that you forgive them? No. No. Because some people can't hear it. Some people don't want to hear it. Some people never want to talk to you again ever. Some people blame you for all of the things in their lives. And you calling them saying, hey, I forgive you, creates a whole

hurricane, blizzard, diarrhea storm. No, they don't. Forgiveness is you deciding, I will no longer carry the weights you have put in my backpack. I'm done carrying them. You don't have the power to make me angry anymore. You don't have the power to make me sad or upset or cry anymore. I am taking away your power to make me sad or upset or cry anymore. I am taking away your power to do that. There is some really cathartic, beautiful relational moments when you can look at somebody and say, I forgive you. I'm setting this down. And that can be life-giving to people. Often, you know, often, you know that this conversation is going to be fruitful. It's going to be productive. But other than that, no, you do not have to tell somebody to their face, I forgive

you for it to count. Forgiveness is an internal exercise. I am no longer carrying your crap. All right. Next question. You disagree? You look like you disagree with that. No, I don't disagree with that. Okay. No, I'm just in the game. Oh, you're in a zone. You know? All right, I got to make sure

I read these questions right. A lot of pressure. I got Kelly's shoes to fill now. Oh, they're like size fours. They're so small. How do I grow up and become an adult when I lacked childhood discipline? I don't want i grow up and become an adult when i lacked childhood discipline i don't want to grow

up listen i don't care what happened uh what you lacked as a kid ta-da you're an adult now and you get to make adult choices i would instead of being like well this happened when i was i don't care the real choice the real question you gotta ask yourself is what am I going to do next? And if you didn't learn childhood discipline, right? You didn't have childhood discipline. Nobody made you make the bed. Nobody made you turn things in on time. And now you keep getting fired from your job because you are show up and you're non-hygienic or you show up and you're not getting your work done or you're like i didn't get it done on time and like well you're fired because i had to be done on time

you get to choose from this point forward i'm going to begin to practice discipline in a major major way i'm going to get with people who are successful who are one step two steps ten steps ahead of me in a particular job in a particular particular field, in a particular, they're married and I'm not, they've got kids and I don't, whatever. They're super fit and I'm not, and I'm going to ask them, I'm going to take them to coffee, take them to dinner and say, all right, I need to pick your brain. How do we get from A to B? And there's no, I've done that with J jocko. I've done that with sal and the mind pump guys I've done that with dr. Lane norton. I do that with dave ramsay. I do that regularly Hey, help me with this. I called rachel cruz the other day. It's like hey help me think through this because i'm thinking

It's it's all about getting wise counsel from people. I did that this like I said I did this morning with my buddy todd there in houston I mean, they're in, um, in West Texas. I'm always seeking wise counsel from people for things I don't know how to do. So I want you to start looking at this lack of discipline as a set of skills you don't have that you can learn just like kicking a soccer ball, just like strumming a guitar, just like learning how to cook. It's a set of skills that if you want to, you can learn. But this excuse like, nobody made me make my bed. Don't give a crap. Get to work on time. Nobody ever made me. I don't care. Your boss is gonna, or you're not gonna eat. It's up to you as the adult to solve this problem. Ta-da. Was that mean? I don't mean to be mean. I kind

of mean to be mean on that one. No, I think you, yeah. Just stop. Just stop. Okay, good. Why is being busy so praised in this culture? I don't know. I'll just think through it out loud. Say it one more time. Why is being busy so praised in this culture? I think in this culture, we have defined, we have a number attached to the question,

what are you worth? That's a math problem in the Western world. It's not a relational question. It's not a spiritual question. It's a math problem. It's all the vacations you did or didn't go on, all of the colleges you did or didn't attend, the clothes you did or didn't buy, the raises you did or didn't get, whatever. What are you worth? How much money do you have in accounts and in the bank and in your cars? How much you got? And stemming from what

are you worth is a question like, so what have you done to get that worth? And underneath what have you done is how hard have you worked to get that worth? Now, it's cool and in vogue these days to assume that everybody who's got wealth or resources who have done or are successful just inherited that or stole it from people. And that's simply not true. The data suggests that most, most, most millionaires in this country are first gen, man. They are figuring this thing out and they worked really, really, really hard or they've been very, very, very disciplined. The stunning stat was the third highest category of millionaires in the United States is teachers. They don't make a lot of money, which tells me they have made choices like, oh, I've chosen a profession, which means I'm

going to have to choose a lifestyle that is supported by that profession. I'm going to be a Corolla person because I'm dedicated to being a teacher. I'm not ever going to be a Lexus person or a giant suburban person. I'm going to drive a Corolla and probably used one of that. And that's what I'm going to do because that's the life I want to live. And so I'm going to live within my means. I'm going to retire. I mean, I'm going to save.

I'm going to create within my means. I'm going to retire. I mean, I'm going to save. I'm going to create this world, right? Underneath that is this idea that busy gets you more stuff and more stuff gets you more worth. there's also an antiquated it's going away very very fast butts in seats right be the first person in the last person out that's going away quickly to do a good job do your job really really well and if you can get done early knock your lights out man or go pick up and help your neighbor or someone in the office but um i think being busy has been equated to production and production has been equated to uh accumulation of things and accumulation of things have been equated to accumulation of things and accumulation of things have been equated to worth. And so all of that stems back to be really busy all the time. And by the way, busy is a good drug. Busy is a great, great drug. It gives us something to do when we feel less than, when we feel idle, when we feel out of step with our relationships, I'm just going to go be busy. I'm gonna go do, do, do,

do, do. Um, and it helps us wallpaper over that a little bit. I know. What do you think? Do you have an opinion on that? Um,

yes, I feel, yeah, I feel like it goes back to like, it's our worth. Like if we're more busy than the next person, we're worth more. It's that we're more valuable,

more valuable. I'm more valuable because I was able to do more or it it's kind of like a one-up kind of thing. Oh, well, you did this and this. Well, I had to do this, this, and this. So it's like, yeah, it goes back to you're more valued the more that you do. I like that. Last question. Okay.

I just started going to therapy. Is it always so draining and emotional? No. You wrote that question in? Dang it, no. Thank you. No. You wrote that question in? Dang it, no. Thank you. Thank you for putting that question in, Jenna. No, it is not.

Depending on why you went to therapy and what you and your therapist are working through. I mean, it's just like going to the gym. There's times you go to the gym and it is miserable. Or you want to lose 30 pounds. That first, I mean, getting back into the swing and it is miserable. And or you want to lose 30 pounds. That first, I mean, getting back into the swing of things is hard. It's draining. You just leave all beat up. And in short order, you start leaving the gym with tons more energy.

My workout this morning was brutal. And I left just electrified. And I feel so good, man. And so there will be seasons when you leave the counselor and you cannot wait to go take on the world. You've got some new tools. You're able to process some things. You feel lighter. So you feel good.

But at the beginning, when you're just saying some things for the first time, when you are allowing your body to finally feel some of those things for the first time, the shame, the regret, the sadness, the heartbreak, the fear um the anxiousness all those feelings you do that for the first time it's overwhelming that's why having a therapist is so important because you've got somebody that are with you figuratively like holding your hand right um but no it will not be like that forever stick it out i tell people unless there's just a clear ethical violation or a clear, like this is a bad vibe. I am finding myself lying to this person because I can't be in their presence. Um, stick it out three or four sessions. When you go stick it out three or four sessions, get through, get through that initial, ah, and get to the other side of it. Um, and that's where

the piece is. The only way to heal is doing the hard, hard work. It's going right through the middle of it. That's it, man. So great, great question on that one. All right, hang on. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here.

Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, thanks for being with us during the AMA. It's kind of a loose-fitting jacket that feels good, man. It's just kind of has us hanging out. So, thank you. If you have questions, we're going to do more AMAs coming up. We just get a lot of off the, like, hey, I have a quick question about this, or what do you think about this, that isn't always wrapped up in a call. So, write your questions in, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK and Jenna will get those. And you can just put AMA question and you can ask that

AMA question. And thank you so much for being with us and be intentional about your new year's resolutions. I'm so excited about it. And we'll talk about my news resolutions coming up in the next show um as we wrap up today's today's uh ama it's the great nathan the guy working all of the screens back there you would not know this he's quiet he's very very talented one of the most talented guys i've ever worked with he is obsessed with katie perry he always he's always wearing katie perry t-shirts his katie perry tattoo is like a big old i mean it's a whole thing it takes about you know people always like hey you want to see pictures of my kids he's always like hey you want to watch the super bowl show she did over and over he's got a saved on his iphone it's a it's weird but it is what it is um but he got to pick the show uh the song that wrapped up today's show and of course

he picked his favorite, the one he's always singing around the office. You could just be in the bathroom coming out of one of the stalls, top of his lungs, T-O-L is the great Katy Perry's Firework. And it goes like this. Maybe the greatest opening line of a song ever.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Katy Perry, genius genius genius opening line do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start start again do you ever feel feel so paper thin like a house of cards one blow from caving in do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under screens but no one seems to hear a thing? Do you know that there's still a chance for you, Nathan? Because there's a spark in you.

You just got to ignite the light and let it shine. You got to own the night like the 4th of July. And this is when you're washing your hands in the bathroom and you just start to turn behind you and belting out of the stalls is this. Because baby, you're a firework. Come on, show them what you're worth. Make them go, ah, ah, ah, as you shoot across the sky. Baby, you're a firework. Come on, let your colors burst. Make them go ah ah ah you're gonna leave them in awe awe awe and that's in

the toilet flushes and it's super weird but baby you're a firework hey happy new year stay in school don't do drugs we'll see you soon