The Dr. John Delony Show - Ask Me Anything #6: John Answers Your Questions

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

On today’s show, we ask John anything—and we cover topics including intimacy, burnout and whether or not it’s okay to drink with your underage kids. Lyrics of the Day: "Mouth For War" - Pantera Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Does caffeine cause anxiety? Check out this article to find out. https://www.ramseysolutions.com/personal-growth/caffeine-and-anxiety   Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. We are back with a special 400th, 400th, special, we have 400 episodes, a special Ask Me Anything show. We made 400 episodes. I don't even think I've been here for 400 episodes. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's the 400th episode. 400. If you're one of the original OG17 listeners, how much money did you lose on this one? We made 400 episodes.

Wow. I don't even think I've been here for 400 episodes. Man, we ran off. James got rid of that guy. Kelly's here. Jenna's here. Joe and Drew and me, dude. We made 400, guys. It's awesome. I mean, really, and Drew, and me, dude. We made 400, guys.

It's awesome. I mean, really, who would have thought? When we were down in the basement down there, the first few, I'm not sure any of us could say we thought we'd get here. I thought I would feel so much better at this job. I thought I would know what's happening, and I feel like the longer this goes, the less I know. But as we do at every hundredth of the century intervals, today is a special Ask Me Anything.

AMA derived from questions that you all have sent in either via the johndeloney.com slash ask or on the internets on social. So Kelly, who's asking the questions today? I am. You? Yeah. Good. Jenna makes me uncomfortable. on the internets on social. So Kelly, who's asking the questions today? I am. You? Yeah.

Good. Jenna makes me uncomfortable. Not really. That's not nice. You asked questions the other day. Actually, I'm not going to lie. She did a great job. Of course she did.

She said no mean things to me in my headphone. Yeah, well. Yeah, see? I'm still working on it. Out loud, right. Yeah. You kept them all in your heart. All in my head, yeah. That was fantastic.

I loved it. It made me happy. All right, so let's do this. Let's make internet magic. All in my head, yeah. That was fantastic. I loved it. It made me happy. All right, so let's do this. Let's make internet magic. All right, the first question. Can a marriage work without intimacy? No, but I'm going to caveat it. I think we...

So most people say sex. People in polite company, especially people in faith context, often don't say the word sex. They say the word intimacy or people who are trying to be proper say intimacy. So if we're using the word intimacy to mean sexual intercourse, yes, you can have a great and wonderful marriage without sexual intercourse on the regular, particularly as you get older, as you age, et cetera. The key here is it's something that has to be navigated and discussed and negotiated together. It can't be one person deciding this is the way this is going to be and the other person's got to live with it. But I take a much broader view of intimacy. Intimacy is a connection at the soul level, at the intention level, at the every minute of my day, I'm thinking of ways I can meet my partner's needs and they're trying to meet mine.

Intimacy is about doing the things that I know help you have a better life. And in turn, you're doing the things that help me have a better life. And so intimacy is reciprocal and it is connectedness and it's together. And so, no, I don't think you can have a marriage without that, without a shared connectivity. But yes, as you get older, as there's medical issues, as your sexual interest, like actual like doing it, doing it, wanes and other things are more important. Like I just want to sit here on the front porch and hold your hand.

And like that can be deeply intimate moments. The key again is that they're discussed. Is that fair? Yeah, because like I think it's more than, I think the question is asked, I'm asking it, so I know what it is. It's not just sex. It's yeah, it's beyond just sex.

It's because intimacy is more than that. We've talked just sex. It's beyond just sex. Because intimacy is more than that. We've talked about that. There's more than just that. All right. The second one, how do you choose your tattoos? Oh, man. So usually I go with somebody and we take seven or eight shots. And I'm just kidding. We don't at all. Usually it's a couple of things one um like i've got tattoos down my ribs of my children and the kids that we lost uh the names of the children we lost um at pregnancy and so sometimes they're deeply meaningful the tattoos down my back are from uh childhood stuff and when i was trying to be a uh a poser wannabe fighter um the ones down my arm are usually a collection of things that are meaningful to me and or kind of dealer's choice.

And so I think I've talked about it here. I travel a lot. And so I just decided I was gonna start getting new tattoos in every city. And so sometimes, man, there was some pretty sketchy things, but usually it's something that means something important to me. All right. How do you choose yours? Just let's, that's coming up on another question.

Oh, is it? Sweet. How do we let go of blame? Blame is good for honestly evaluating how I ended up in a certain situation. Somebody shoved me. Now I'm in the middle of the road. That's helpful info. But it doesn't get me out of the middle of the road.

And so I get over blame, honestly, because it has absolutely no help. It's of no help to me in going where I go next. Unless I know I'm not going to go back on that side of the road because that guy just pushed me in the road, right? So it might give me some direction here, but it's not going to help me make my next steps. And so I just think blaming is a complete and utter waste of my time.

It just has no value. What about you? You love blame. It makes your heart feel good. No, I don't, y'all. Seriously. I'm not that bad of a person. But I have this need in like you should take,

like you should be responsible for the things you did. Probably more to other people than I am for myself, which is not good. But so I tend to hold on to it inside sometimes more than I should. So it's a justice thing. Yeah. This is the way this needs to be. Yeah. Like, you're wrong.

And so I'm going to hold on to this. Gotcha. Because clearly that's a good thing to do. Sometimes I'm bad about that whole, you know, it's like taking poison and then hoping the other person dies. That's something I work on, but it's not an easy thing to let go of blame. Blame's helpful for me in reflection.

It's like, what is it? Righteous, you know, indignation. Yeah. I feel like I'm holding onto this because it's right.

Makes you holier than thou. It's a little bit of like, of that, if I'm being real honest. Yeah, I get that. It's like, I exercise and that suddenly makes it okay that I eat my body weight and garb. Yeah, I get it. So I just tend to think that blame is a waste of my time. And so I want to pull that string all the way.

So let's say I was sexually abused as a kid and I have real challenges making close connected relationships as an adult. Or let's suggest that I was physically abused as a kid. And so when somebody's angry or somebody wants to have a strong disagreement with me on the basis of my ideals or my ideas, like at work or in a marriage, I instantly hide. I run. Those things in my childhood happened. No question about that. And my body naturally created defense mechanisms so that those things would be less likely to happen in the future.

No question about that. But for me to continue as an adult to blame what happened then for the things I need to do to be well and whole and treat people with dignity and respect in my life as an adult, it does me no good. I can't bring them from the past to make right my present. It just doesn't know how it works. And so I just tend to, on the whole, blame's a waste of my time. I'd rather be about what comes next. How do I get to the next place? How do I participate in healing? How do I get a new group of people to walk alongside me? Nice. All right. Top three favorite books on parenting and relationships. Okay, say that one more time.

Top three favorite books on parenting and then top three favorite books on relationships. Oh, geez. That's easily, easily the most common question i get is questions about hey what books what books what books what books um i almost thought about getting a master's degree in library science just because of how many how often i get that um i think my number one parenting book of all time is is hold on to your kids by gabor mate and gordon newfield hold on to your kids um an absolute absolute absolute masterpiece everything gabor mate writes is a masterpiece that guy is just uh like an international treasure he's from canada otherwise i'd call him a national treasure

um there's another book out that i haven't read this to me being honest i haven't read. This is me being honest. I haven't read it. It's called Baby Bomb by Kara Hoppe, H-O-P-P-E, I think. And she has another author, Stan something. I've had it recommended a bunch. I've got it on my shelf. I haven't read it, but I think it'd be worth picking up just from the people who have recommended it to me. I highly trust. I don't know that I have a third, probably Scattered by Gabor Mate. It's a book about ADHD, but it has a broader picture about raising kids and stress and maternal stress and paternal stress. And so that's a phenomenal book. As it comes to relationships, The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real is extraordinary. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, the book on sex. It's more about a relationship between a woman and her body, but I think the

men that have read it have found extraordinary value in it as well. And I think it's a great book that couples can read together. And Lori Gottlieb's, is it Maybe You Should Talk to Somebody? Yes. Is that right? Yeah. That's an extraordinary book as well. Anything by Esther Perel. What about you, Kelly? Do you have a parenting book that means something to you or relationship book besides the Karma Sutra? parenting wise, um, as a parent of a, of a boy, one of the best ones we ever read was, um, David Denton, who is a, uh, sorry, David Thomas. He's a counselor, local counselor here at Daystar, same place Sissy Goff works. And he wrote a book called, um, Wild, Wild Things. And it is the,

it has been the most referenced book at our house for raising boys. And it does a really good job of putting like two to four, here's who they are. Four to eight, here's who they are. And it talks about, here's who they are physically. Here's where they are emotionally. Here's what they need from mom. Here's what they need from dad. Here's what they need from outside sources. Here's what they need spiritually, you's what they need from dad here's what they need from outside sources here's what they need spiritually you know and then like to the point where the point now where it's like mom you're not as big a part of the picture now and that's really sucks but so you treat me well there you go um but so here's what they need from you and here's what they need and if if there's not a dad in the picture if there's not a mom in the picture it's like a handbook that's cool and it And it has been amazing how closely, as I've looked at that and then watched our son, that he follows those things.

And it's been a great one. And then relationships, not my favorite book overall. You mentioned it the other day, but I think it's worth it, is The Five Love Languages. Only because my husband and I are extremely different people. And so I finally read that one, understanding that, well, maybe what I'm doing is not, isn't working. He doesn't understand that that's my way that I show I care. And so that did a good job of the whole idea of it.

Like you have to learn your partner and learn what works for them because I can buy him gifts all day long, but if to him that doesn't mean anything, it's useless. Yes, and so I agree with you there. That book gives a great, it's a great conversation starter, I think. I personally don't think there's just five love languages, but I do think that provides a great basis for a place to start. And you just said it perfectly. Most of us go through our lives trying to help other people and our hearts are good, especially those that we love the most.

But we help them in ways we want to be helped, not in ways that they're actually desiring to be helped. And we end up pushing them into the margins or hurting them in an attempt to try to love them. Right, and they don't see it. They're like, well, gosh, they must not love me or like me. Because if they did, they'd mow the lawn, and we're over here buying expensive gifts or whatever. So it's just about getting on the same page. Love it. Yeah.

I love it. All right. So those are the great books there. Hang with us. We'll be right back with this 400th episode AMA. Stay with us. All right. We are back with a special 400th.

400th. We have 400 episodes. with a special 400th, 400th special. We have 400 episodes, a special Ask Me Anything show. Go for it, Kelly. Go for it. All right. How can a traumatic childhood that predates your memory

impact your development? Well, I think it goes before that. So there's some pretty remarkable, it's controversial, but some pretty remarkable research suggesting that trauma is past genetically. That can actually, things that happen to your grandparents show up in their grandkids genes. That doesn't mean things are deterministic, but that just means that the possibility that things are going to emerge. So you probably heard me talk on the show about genetics and gasoline cans in the garage. Things that happen to your grandparents can put gasoline cans in the garage of grandkids. And what that means is a spark that might otherwise just cause some smoke damage, may cause a house to explode. And so when it comes to

trauma in an individual's childhood, even if you don't remember it, to not sound woo-woo, the body does. Or as Van Der Kolk says, the body keeps the score. And so as a young kid, if you learn as an infant, mom is not safe, you will begin trying to solve that relationship for the rest of your life. Your body knows I can't do life without a close attunement, a closely attached relationship to my mom or to my dad or to my primary caregiver. And so it will continue to try to solve that forever. If you're abused as a young kid, sometimes your brain has some remarkable mechanisms to take that memory off the board for a while or forever. But your body knows when a guy comes in the room and turns the lights off that it's time to go to war or it's time to disappear. And so I often, and I think the research bears this out, the memory is pretty unreliable across the board. It's just pretty unreliable. I think what is a more helpful way of healing and seeing the world is what is my body telling me right now?

What is it trying to protect me from why is it feeling unsafe and how do we go from here that i'm finding that to be an infinitely more important question than what happened what happened what happened i can tell you also as a mother of two adopted children especially my son um that because i remember thinking oh he's two he won't there's it'll be just like he's ours and everything's fine. But that's not the case because he was two living in an orphanage for two years. And so he didn't have anyone that held him. He self-soothed. So yeah. And I can only imagine the stress that his birth mother, she was young, had him early, that all of that put on. So I remember thinking that's like, he doesn't

even remember this. Well, he doesn't, but he's got coping mechanisms. And it's interesting how when things get stressful, like when our house flooded, I saw him do some of those same self soothing mechanisms and he's 17, but it's because of what he reverts to. It's what he knows. That's right. And if you think about both of those in combination, that what did his birth mother in Russia, right? Ukraine. Ukraine. Very different.

What did her grandmother experience, right? The hell that that was at the turn of the century, right? So you imagine those things getting encoded in a young boy, and then he finds himself in an orphanage, right? So, I mean, it's mess on top of mess. And it's rare that even anywhere in the world that trauma just springs out of a family unit. It usually comes from, it rolls downhill, right? So, yeah, there's a big mess when it comes to trauma, but it's always stopping to ask yourself,

what is my body trying to protect me from right now? I'll just say thank God for counseling. Thank God for counseling. All right. Which one of Kelly's tattoos is your favorite? Oh, dude. The other day when you came into work and you had your shirt tucked in on itself and that awesome thug life tattoo across your stomach was amazing. It was incredible. You had, you did, you had that denim shirt. It wasn't tucked in. You had it tied up real high. And it was like, everyone was talking about it. Like, why is Kelly showing her abs?

And then you turned and that thug life tattoo was happening. That was awesome. That was good. And I can tell you've had that for like 20 years. I mean, it had faded back during your Tupac day. I mean, it was dope. It was good. It was good. That tell you've had that for like 20 years i mean it had faded back during your tupac day i mean it was dope it was good it was good that's my favorite one so far i have none i have no tattoos people i would just like you to know that you're such a liar i have none why don't you oh why don't you take you've been on this show for 400 episodes and you still

are denying core parts of who you are none not a one i'm considering my first one it's gonna be a picture of john with a big x on it whatever a big picture of john with dollar signs yes that's what it is all right next question i'm an icu rn how do i know if I am burned out or depressed? Oh, man. I'm going to answer this in a way that's not going to be popular. The answer is most of the time, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. If you get nerdy and you go down the burnout literature and people trying to figure out is burnout an actual physiological thing or is it an emotional thing versus the depression literature, which is just so vast.

The symptoms of those things end up very similar. And I've read that burnout leads to depression or burnout is just related to a work environment. And if you change environments, it suddenly you feel better. Whereas depression sometimes does. I think if you are an ICU nurse or you're an elementary school teacher or you're a leader or you're an attorney or you're a doctor or whatever you're doing, man.

If your body is telling you enough is enough is enough, trying to sit down and figure out what kind of enough it is, is really, I mean, it goes back to the old, there's a tiger at the front of your cave and you're wondering, is that a nice tiger? Is that the petting tiger? Is that the mean tiger? It doesn't matter, it's a tiger.

You gotta go, you gotta move. And so I think asking whether it's burnout, whether it's suppression, I think the real question we need to ask, we have a culture so obsessed with diagnostics, obsessed with diagnostics. What label is the right label for you? I am much more interested in a society that really learns to trust its body, the individual bodies in this, and also has a group of people that helps us with that. Because sometimes my body lies to me. Sometimes my body says,

she's not safe. She's super safe. And I need to check in with some people that I trust, whether that's a counselor, whether it's close friends. And so I want an ICU nurse who's struggling to wake up in the morning, who's struggling to sleep at night, who can't breathe, who's lost interest in things that used to bring her great joy or bring him great deep satisfaction, not interested in sexual connection, is not interested in hanging out with friends, not interested in these things that used to bring them life. Whether that's burnout, whether that's depression, I don't really care. What I care about is that you honor yourself enough to sit down with somebody and say, I'm not okay. And let's go from there. Let's go from there.

One thing isn't worth more attention than the other. All of it's worth attention. And I contend that somebody can, we have to have people, let me say it this way. We have to have people that do these really, really, really hard jobs. We have to. Got to have people who are ICU nurses. The society stops, right? Got to have people who are trauma surgeons and police officers. We got to have people who are firefighters. We have to have sewage work. We have to have these people that show up in the middle of the mess. And then their bodies are going to respond in particular ways. And we've got to have the support network for these folks to stay well and whole so they can continue to go back and go back and go back into these hard jobs.

So at the end of the day, I don't really think it matters. If you end up with clinical depression, your doctor, the person you're working with, the counselor, they will let you know. And if you need a very specific treatment option there, great. That's cool. But if your body's telling you we're not okay, don't immediately run to the labels. Instead, step back and look and see what's on fire. And it might be that you need a break. It might mean that you need some support. It might mean that you need

to start treating your body better. It might mean that you need some connection with friends and community. It might mean you need to work in a new hospital. It might mean a whole bunch of things that don't require a label. That's my thoughts. All right. How many guitars do you currently own? Oof. Not a lot. I've got the Les Paul that my wife bought me

when I graduated with my first PhD, and I got the Flying V that I just love. I have an SG that I love, and then I have a Martin acoustic, and then I have an SG that I love. And then I have a Martin acoustic and then I have an Everett acoustic handmade by a dude in Atlanta. And it's one of the best sounding guitars I ever heard in my life.

And I'm going to get a couple more. There's a couple more that I want to get. I got my eye on. But that's it for now. That's it for now. Not a lot. I talk a big game, but eh. I am going to visit the

Gibson factory soon. And, um, hopefully come home with a haul. That'll be a lot of fun. That'd be good. All right. Hey, we'll be right back on the 400th 400, 400 episodes. AMA. We'll be right back. All right. We are back for the last segment of the 400-episode AMA. Go for it, Kelly. My friends let their kids drink alcohol in a, quote-unquote, controlled setting. What are your thoughts on this? Not smart. Not wise.

And by friends, you mean you. I know that you mean you. I know that you do this. No. I'm just kidding. Okay. Let me think through this out loud. Number one, I experienced this as a kid. So not as a kid, but as a late teenager and on into college.

So I get this. I get it. I get it. I've been there. A couple of things. Let's do the pragmatic stuff first. When it comes to teenagers, there's no such thing as a controlled setting as much as you think there is.

There just is not. Teenagers are brilliant at navigating boundaries. They're incredible at it. And so the idea that you're going to create some kind of bubble that they can do dumb stuff in or break the law in, make wise choices in is nonsense. It's just dumb. You're wrong. You're incorrect. So number two, man, when I was a kid, there was no cameras anywhere ever there was no video i mean it just wasn't the liability a parent takes on nowadays is madness i can't fathom an adult doing that in in this day and age with so many cameras so many recordings so much all of it right um in such

a increasingly litigious society one one thing goes wrong. One kid gets sick. One kid gets in a wreck. One kid starts feeling depressed. One kid fill in the blank, sends crazy texts or sexed somebody or asks for it and receives it. And I don't know why anyone would put themselves in that position. And let's take the broader view with kids. When I look at the data, this is just the data, right? I like a beer as much as the next guy. I like a great bourbon and whiskey just as much as the next guy. I'm just looking at the science part. Alcohol is destroying people from the inside out. It's destroying them at the micro level where one or two drinks a night is slowly eroding sleep, which is slowly eroding mental health, which is

slowly eroding physical health, which is slowly eroding work performance and relationship performance and tracks all the way to dementia and beyond. And alcohol on the macro level, on the deaths of despair, when we step back and look at alcohol and then its sister, opioids, why in the world, why in the world would you lean over to a kid, a child, and say, I want to introduce you to something

that the data tells me might be a part of killing you in the future. Why would you do that? I'm not going to do that. Parents are in desperate need. I mean, children are in desperate need of parents who aren't acting like they're friends. Children are in desperate need of adults acting like adults and being parents and saying, no, as a society, we've all voted.

You got to be 21. Sorry. Got to be 21. And that's not even like the Motion Picture Association of America, like a group of people in some shadowy room deciding what the rating of a movie is. As an adult, cool. You get to figure that out. But we all voted as a society. I just want to lean on that. So that's my thoughts on that, cool. You get to figure that out. But we all voted as a society. I just want to lean on that.

So that's my thoughts on that, Kelly. What do you think? I mean, I remember having a couple of parents, friends of mine when I was in high school that would let us do that. But now as a parent, no way. No chance. Like you said, every camera, every phone, but I've also seen the effects of alcohol on people in my life. And there's no chance that I would introduce my child to that or somebody else's child without, especially without their knowledge. Because

I remember growing up and we had a particular friend whose parents would let us drink over there. They were calling our parents. They never called and said, is this okay? No. But they were the cool mom. Right. You know, and now I have no desire to be the cool mom. No, thank you.

No, we need a generation of parents who don't want to be the cool parent. Yeah. We'll be friends. My son has said, we're not friends. No, we're not. We'll be friends later. You're 25. Yeah.

Then we'll be friends. So I can't imagine, yeah, introducing that. And I feel like I'm going to talk out of both sides of my mouth now when I'm talking about downstream effects of alcohol. I would take my kid out and buy them their supposed first drink when they're 21. I'd do that, right? It's within the – I wouldn't have a problem with that. But to take a child in and say, hey, I don't know. It just feels stupid. And it's illegal. yeah yeah yeah period yeah on huge levels because like you said you just don't know what they're going to go out and do and you're right that saying controlled setting with a teenager

is just such an idiot i think back to the quote-unquote controlled settings we had yeah they were not that was before we had the world in our hands in a box where we could take a picture and tell somebody and then all of a sudden it's before you know it it's all around school it's just no way it's just stupid yep good for you all right um who is a person besides your parents that you look up to or seek advice from um gosh um I would categorize that in experts and mentors and friends. And so, um, experts on like, I mean, when COVID came out, I didn't know anything about viruses. I was super privileged. I had friends who worked in that world that were research biologists who studied stuff. So when it came to like, should I get the vaccine or not? I asked them because they knew I didn't. When it comes to like landscaping things, you know what I'm good at when it comes to landscaping? Mowing.

That's it. And dude, I can work an edger, a weed eater. Like, I'm incredible. But I call Rachel Freis to come over and like look at my yard and she's a friend and she's also like a renowned expert in this so um i ask experts for their ideas on things i asked dave ramsey for personal money uh tips right and i know most of many people millions of people in america would love that And, haha. But I, I mean, I just ask him for it. Um,

I asked Kelly for like tattoo aftercare information because she's an expert. She's got a thousand. Um, and then I got friends that I just love and have done life with it. Uh, I trust and they trust me. And so when I've got a hard decision to make or a conversation or making sure I'm seeing something right,

I love asking them for that kind of stuff. Um, and then mentors, you know, men and women who have been with me for a long, long time and that I've looked up to for a long time that I reach out to for help and support like Darby Dickerson or like John Noel Thompson or like Randall DeMint. I mean, I could just go on and on and on, but men and women who have really been important to me in my life trajectory. So yeah, I guess experts, mentors, and friends.

Does that sound right? Yeah, that's good. Not, notice, the internets. Not the internets. No, never. The only time it's good to go to the internets is if you're looking for stuff that I'm saying. And it's great. You should all run to the internets and hit subscribe.

All right, go for it. All right. Best way to stay connected to our teens. The research would say, be very firm, hold kids strongly accountable, and be very kind. It's the combination of both of those things. And there's a four quadrants, but ultimately it's be a parent and don't be an ass. Both of those things together. We often like, I've got to hold them accountable. I'm going to wear them out. What an idiot. Why would you do that? And I want to be cool. I want to be kind. So I'm not going to hold them accountable. Well, that's dumb too. You can do both. You can with love in your heart, say, Hey, we're not going to do that. I, as your parent can't allow that. I, as your parent,

I've got to make the call to this teacher, to this, whatever. I've got to call this mechanic who I think's ripping you off. I'm going to, I want to a... I know, I'm your parent. So it's firm and accountable and kind. The thing that I've been wrestling with lately that I think all parents could really, really work on myself, and I put myself number one at this top of this list. What if we focused on being likable with our kids? If we focused on being likable with our kids? If we focused on, again, I think I've talked about this a little bit, but not turning every conversation into a teaching moment and not turning every good thing or failure thing into a moment where I can imprint on. My oldest son,

he's almost 13. He lost a tooth and we were laughing he came in last night lost a tooth we were laughing like most kids lose that tooth when they're eight and he was laughing we're carrying on and i pulled my shirt up over my head so you couldn't see my face and i grabbed a quarter out of like my coin jar and I flapped my wings in there and I turned the lights on. He was half asleep. He's like, what are you doing? And I was like, it's the tooth fairy

and inflation's bad. And I flicked a quarter on his bed and he started dying laughing. And then I just left. I just left. And that's the kind of story he's going to tell at his deathbed. That my dad was funny and my dad was silly and my dad made jokes.

Not that my dad told me a great life lesson after the soccer game. He's not going to remember any of that crap. He's going to remember I was annoying after sporting events. But I really have been focusing lately on being likable. And that doesn't mean a doormat. That just means that I am enjoyable to be around. And I'm finding that that's making me an infinitely more effective parent and really coworker and human being. But that's a whole other conversation. I want to add into that though. So the book I was telling you about,

about the raising boys, and I find this is from both my teens. When you want to connect with your teen, you have to go where they are. My son is not going to go shopping with me, and he's not going to sit down and watch Great British Bake Off. He might, but not willingly. I have to do what he wants to do. Right. And so last night, for the last few nights, he's watching this Formula One series on Netflix.

I heard it's fantastic. Actually, it's really good. Yeah, I heard it's great. But I'm watching a Formula One series. And over, you know, not too long ago, we watched Violent Night. The, the,

oh God, it was actually great. David Harbour, it's a Christmas, but it's super violent. Violent Night? Yeah, it's great. Did you put that in your Parent Christmas, but it's super violent. Violent night? Yeah, it's great. Did you put that in your parent of the year application?

I did. But, you know, I've got to watch what he wants to watch or my husband, they go do things that my son wants to do because he's not going to do what we want to do and be like, this is great. Thanks for, you know, making me watch Pride and Prejudice, Mom. That's not going to work. But if I can do what he wants to do, it gains trust. And I'm not making fun of it. Yes. You're participating.

I think I like that, especially around entertainment things and enjoyment things. I also think it's important for my kid to come with me when we're going to help somebody's house. Oh, yeah. and do servicey things. Right. And so that was more entertainment type thing. Yeah. I think that's right. If you're always like, no kids, we're watching this because my house, my TV, well, you're an idiot and you're not likable. Nobody wants to be around that guy. Right. And you're not that guy with your friends. All right. And if you are, you don't have any friends because you're an ass. Like nobody wants to be around you. And it's important that I know what makes my kid laugh.

Yes. And that I know what my kid's into, first of all. Because then I'm also – I know who his friends are. And my husband every once in a while will grab a remote and play video games with him when he's playing online. So then we're hearing the people he's talking to. But then we know about his life. And it's the same with my daughter. It's different a little bit because of her special needs.

But if I want to do what she is into, or I can sit and make her watch, you know, Stranger Things, which is going to terrify her. I've seen a profound transition in my daughter when I just walk into her room quietly and I don't flick the lights on and off and start throwing our stuffed animals around like, let's fight the animal. If I just go lay on the floor and just grab my own coloring book and get right next to her in color and we won't say anything for five or ten minutes.

And eventually she'll say, hey, today is school and she'll just launch in. Right. And that's right what you're saying. But and that goes back to me just being likable and it's just getting in their world, man. Yeah. My daughter loves to do jigsaw puzzles, and so this weekend, I just put one out, and she just came over, and we don't get a lot of peaceful enjoyment time with her because that's just not her world. But for an hour, hour and a half, we just sat and did this puzzle together because I know that that's something she'll want to join in, and I can kind of, you know, it's, it's something that she enjoys. So I will come do that. I love it. Yeah.

So it's just being in their world because then you get to know who they are. I love it. It's great. All right. Last question. Let's do it. Piece of advice that you love to give, but find the hardest to follow? Eating nutritious stuff and sleep. Those are the two that, man, I struggle big time. And I found my sleep getting increasingly worse. I'm going to have to spend some direct time on it. I met with my doctor on it a couple months ago,

and he gave me some pretty harsh advice that I haven't put into practice yet. But he basically told me, you got to change your life, or you're not going to be with us much longer so i'm gonna have to do that eventually but yeah please do i need a job there's some other idiot that will be glad to spout their opinions kelly um but i so sleep and diet i just eat so much junk food um uh the other one is parenting um showing up. I often say kids, they don't have permission to hurt my feelings. And I find when I'm tired or I'm having a season of self-doubt or just not feeling good about myself, man, my daughter can flat out crush me. My son can crush me. My wife can say something that crushes me. And it's easy to sit here and say, you just got to keep showing up.

You just got to keep showing up. Man, sometimes I just want to go get a tent and sleep in the backyard for a few nights. And so I think that's the other hard one is just to keep showing up. I do a better job of showing up than I do not eating gummy candies, but we'll see. What about you? I feel like I'm constantly telling my kids, especially probably other people that, you know,

God's going to handle this. He's going to take it. And then boy, I like to control things like, you know, right now we're dealing with the house stuff and I am trying to control every little piece of that. And my husband keeps, you know, spitting my words back at me, but I'm a control freak. Tell me more, Kelly. No way. I know this is shocking. And I love control. But boy, I can tell other people how, you know, you just need to let that go and give that to God.

And then I'm over here holding things. And then you're like, I am God. I am. All right. Hey, hang with us. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here.

Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the 400th episode, AMA. Hey, thanks for doing the show with me, guys. I continue to feel like the luckiest guy in the building, man. Thanks for doing this show. And making sure you're employed. Making sure I'm employed and that when I gave up the big show over there, that it wasn't a bad idea. This is the little show that could.

We are. We are. We are. And on that note, the Mighty Pantera off their vulgar display of power record. The song is Mouth for War. It's so dramatic. Mouth for War.

And it goes like this. Revenge. I'm screaming revenge again. Wrong. I've been far for far too long. I've been constantly so frustrated. I move mountains for less with less. When I channel my hate

to productive, I don't find it hard to impress. Bones and traction. Hands break to hone raw energy. Bald and disastrous. My ears can't hear what you say to me. I'm trying to sound so hard. So tough.

Hold your mouth for the war. Use it for what it's for. Speak the truth about me. Determined. Such a great tip. So great. Hey, I love you guys. Stay in school.

Don't do drugs.