The Dr. John Delony Show - Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

🇺🇸 Watch United States of Anxiety Exclusively on the Free Ramsey Network App! In this special episode of Ask Me Anything, John answers your questions about relationships, self-care and his personal life. Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Head to Poncho Outdoors to check out all their styles! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel[MS1] [JC2] [KD3]  💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

This is a special episode. This is an Ask Me Anything that we do at the end or beginning of every year. Usually we do them on the 100, like the 100, 200, 300. You forgot? No. We've been sending you the questions to pick from since June, and you haven't. It was supposed to be on the 600th episode and this is episode 679. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show. I'm so glad that you're with us. So, so grateful. Every single one of you. Mowing, vacuuming, just sitting under the covers, trying to ignore your family during the holidays or the new

year. When is this coming out, Kelly? Kelly Soule- Two days after Christmas, which for most people is probably past mowing season, I would think. For most people. Kyle Soule- Yeah, but if you're like me, you can hide on the mower, dude. You can just be like, ah, got to mow. This is when you can hide and mow up all your leaves.

You're not doing anything. Or you can snow blow. Is that a thing? I just remember that from Short Circuit. Remember that movie? Yes. But I think for people living far north, northern, farther up north than we do, snow blowing is a thing.

That's literally the most southern thing you've ever said. More northerner? Good job. This show is brought to you by Kelly's reading ability, Hooked on Phonics. She has an app out. You don't. So hey, this is a special episode. This is then Ask Me Anything that we do at the end or beginning of every year. And I don't know, we've been doing this for four or five years now. So we've maybe done two or three of them. So maybe sometimes we do this.

Actually, we've done quite a few because usually we we do them on the hundred like the 100 200 300 but um, If we're being real transparent here, you forgot no Uh, we've been sending you the questions to pick from since june. Yeah, and you haven't yeah So it was supposed to be on the 600th episode, but I like I like ama's coming in cold and then um, Just so people know so it was on the 600th episode, we planned it and this is episode 679. I like... But you never said that, you just ignored the email.

Listen, I like coming in cold. I can't stand like overly prepared because they look like, they look... I don't like prepared slick like TikTok- TikTok-y, video-y things. I like listening to somebody, do you actually know what you're talking about? And is it in your gut somewhere? I don't think anyone will ever confuse us for prepared and slick. I just don't. You know, those words have never, you know, like, Delaney was very prepared.

That sentence has never been uttered ever. Ever. All right, so let's let them rip. All right. question number one. Ask me anything. What is the most common relationship advice people get wrong? Relationship advice that people get wrong,

that they can, something around, they can do something to change their romantic partner. That there's some kind of behavior, some kind of something that I can do to make you do something different. We just don't have that kind of control like we wish we did. Can you give an example? Maybe the most common question I get is I want my partner to stop drinking. How do I make my partner have more sex with me? How can I like you can do things like not be an ass, like be kind. You can do things like be hygienic.

You can do some things, but the other person ultimately has to make a decision. More heartbreaking, how can I help my husband be less depressed? How can I help my wife be less anxious or how can I help my wife with her postpartum? The challenge is you can help with the environment, but at the end of the day, somebody's got to want to or be able to or take your hand and walk with you towards healing.

And it's hard when you love somebody and they're hurting on the other end of that. But I think the most common advice is five tips to make him fall for you or three tips. It's just all bull crap, dude. You can create a context, but the most important thing is can you sit down and look at somebody and say, here's what I want, here's what I need, will you be with me? And they have to say, yay or nay. And that's scary, scary. That's a lack of control that we don't have a psychology for in our culture.

So I'm going off script here a bit. So I think it's more prominently female than male, is my guess, that we grow up with the idea somehow of we can change it. Yeah. And I don't know where that comes from. I think it, I don't know how old that sentiment is, but I'm guessing it's 25 or 30 years old. Maybe I can be way off from that. Oh, way older. I mean, I think that's been...

Because I think my mom and dad in their generation of being married, they're in their seventies, men just were and women just were. And then it became this idea that men, masculinity, this idea, and there's all different derivatives of this, but there's something wrong with it. The fact that men go to work and duke it out with each other every day over tiny little postage stamps of yard, right? There's something wrong with that inherently.

And so if men would just fill in the blank with any number of different behaviors, and somehow that became a woman's responsibility and she's always held, not always, but for the last couple hundred years especially, she always held chastity, always held like the cornerstone here because women have out like disproportionately held the, if this thing goes bad, right, you have to remain chaste 200 years ago because getting pregnant could kill you, right? Or it could be great shame to your family if you got pregnant so you had to or you have to just kind of suck it up for the last

Thousands and thousands of years because you weren't allowed to have a job. You're not allowed to own property, right? so I think in the last 25 30 40 years as things have Have the playing field has begun to level a bit with same jobs and rising incomes and women just have more options They have looked at men as projects like oh I can make him X Y and Z Yeah, so it sounds almost like so I'm a Gen X that it's kind of we were the first generation of I'm totally making that up I don't that's actually a good X, that it's kind of, we were the first generation of. I'm totally making that up. I don't, that's actually a good question,

but it sounds right to me. Yeah, because I mean, I know there's the idea of, you know, you date the guy that's kind of an ass, but you're like, and you know that, everyone's told you he is, and then you're like, oh, I can, I can fix him. I'll be the one who can. I can change him, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And it never works. I'll tame the wild dragon, yeah, yeah. Right. I don't know. Ben, I know you were called the wild dragon back in high school. So I've never even heard it. How'd you know? I mean, your tattoo that says wild dragon across your back.

But I'm making that up. But and let's take for granted, maybe for all of human history, women have thought I can change him. I think there's been this assumption that men don men don't have to I don't have to change I can just be the way I am However, I want to whenever I want to and that's just not the case anymore because women can leave they've got other options and so Maybe that's it All right question. Does that ring true? Oh, I think so because I think even well So I'm thinking back to, because you know

I'm a huge history buff, especially like 14th, 15th century history. And when women, you know, we didn't have the rights, we couldn't divorce or leave. But I know that, you know, there was a way that women would manipulate situations. You deal with the power you have. That's right. You know? And so I think that that's probably gone through the centuries and the decades as women had more power and more power because it was the only way they had to control their environment. And so yeah. Stay safe and not dead, right?

Exactly. And I have to figure out some way to get what I want because I don't have a say so. And then all of a sudden when things were not completely level, but more level. You can get a mortgage and a credit card. Right, exactly. You know, you could get a bank account without having to get my husband's thoughts on it. That's when things went sideways in the Kelly Daniel household, but keep going. Anywho.

But yeah, so then all of a sudden it was like, well, now I can fix him. And- I kind of have my life exactly as I want it. Right. And I want the bad guy right I want I want the bad boy but I want the but I want him to be the bad guy in in the world that I create in my context yeah within my guardrails that are okay yeah and I think there's also something and I may be out of you know out in left field here on this one, but this is probably not overly kind to my own sex either, but there's a whole idea that we're the, like, we can change him

because we're so amazing. Like, he's going to want to be with us so he'll change. I think there's definitely some of that about I'm the one that'll be, I'm the one. I can do it. And I'm the one that can change it when no one else could That's interesting because I've always I've always known about The world-shifting power of teenage male American Western arrogance When they would line men up so like for all human history, they'd line up, you know warriors and say

99 out of a hundred of you are not home. And there was a Zen about it. There was the, whether it's Marcus Aurelius, whether it is ancient Eastern, there was a Zen, a I'm going to give my life to a greater cause. This is my role. And then you get this adoption of a Western male in World War I, World War II, they lined them up and they said, hey, 90% of y'all are not coming home.

Nine out of 10 of you will die. And they lined them up and looked to their left and looked to the right and was like, sucks to be that dude,all are not coming home. Nine out of ten of you will die. And they lined them up and looked to their left and looked to the right and was like, sucks to be that dude, because I'm coming home. And there was this sense of this insane self aggrandizement. Like I am, I will beat the odds at every turn and if enough people think that, weirdly, a lot of y'all beat the odds. But it never occurred to me that women do that too. Like, you know, I'll change them. I can change them. Oh, yeah.

I think that that's... Do you agree, Taylor? Is that still a thing? I can do it. Yeah. I can be the one because either I'm so amazing, not even that, but just like I can do it. I'll, you know, all these other women who talk about what a horrible human he is. I can... I got it. I got it. There's something in me or he'll see something in me and he'll be like, oh, she's the one. I'll change so I can keep her. Like you're so worth it, I'm gonna change for you. That's it, I'm so worth it.

Look at me learning today on the John Delaney show. That's awesome. All right, question two. When should you delete pictures of your ex significant other? Geez, this is a question that's like beyond me because I grew up. I didn't grow up in this world I've still got like I remember my wife Hilariously made like back in the day you just had stacks of photos that you would get developed My wife one time is we were probably three or four years and she made it. It's hilarious

and I still have it so it means somewhere in the Delonie archive somewhere. But she made me like a photo album of all, like any X photo that she found. And it was hilarious. Like from middle school, high school in the cot. Like she made this like thing and it was funny. And it was her kind of being like, I won. But also like, she's like's like well she was really pretty and she I mean so it was it made for a hilarious interaction but I don't know I mean I I'm sure there's pictures in our house somewhere in an old photo album of my wife's boyfriend I don't know I just I could less. I know the game has shifted dramatically to all this is public facing and there's these public declarations. What

was it that, who's that country artist that's kind of a big deal right now? Zach something. Zach Brian? Zach? Yeah, whose girlfriend said she found out that she got dumped on Instagram on an Instagram post. Like, it's just a world that's foreign to me. So I guess here's the, what I would say is the magic answer. Talk to each other. And I could, I could give seven boxes of farts if the photos of my wife's ex-boyfriends are somewhere in a photo album. If they're on a frame on the wall, That's weird, right? So maybe social media

That's what that is now, right? That's the frame on the wall So yeah, I would take them down pretty pretty quick But like in terms of like I don't know that you go and scrub everything I remember an important conversation with my wife one time and it's I mean, this is several years ago It's not a long time ago, but I said hey you've never asked I mean, this is several years ago, it's not a long time ago. But I said, hey, you've never asked about, you know, X, Y, and Z, this person I dated or that person I dated or who I was dating during this period.

And she said something that was really instructive. She said, I've never asked because I can't know. I said, what do you mean you can't know? And she goes, I just, I can't, I can't. I just don't want to go there. Like I love my life and I love our life together. And in my head, I'm thinking, we've been together over a quarter century.

And then later on, maybe three, four weeks, a month later, I don't remember. But I said, hey, it feels like there's parts of me that you can't love or that you have to pretend don't exist. And I said, that's weird to me. It's not weird that you don't wanna hear the intimate details of my old girlfriends. That I totally understand. But it's weird to me that like there's parts of me, there's there's closet doors

you can't open. And she smiled, she goes, you got me on that. I think you're right on that. And so then out of the blue, maybe six months later, she's like, all right, who are you dating from here to here? And it ended up being a hilarious, funny, like no way! like it was a fun conversation but I think there's we like to pretend that everyone's past doesn't exist up until the moment we're with them and their history begins the day we say hi right and I don't think that's healthy I think there's a healthier aspect to know like I want to know all of you and know about you. And if there's parts of you that I think I can't know about, I mean, my understanding of exposure therapy

and working with anxiety and this time, like you have to head into that. Like tell me about it. I want to know all of you. And there's always the moron who weaponizes. Like that doesn't mean you go into all of the grotesque details of all of your escapades and all of your, well she was really good at, no, no, no, you're a terrible person, break up. But I think there's something about

knowing each other's history. What about, so this situation came up this weekend, so I have a friend of mine that recently got divorced and we were at her house and I'm at her house all the time. But one of our other friends happened to know, she was like, you still have one of your wedding pictures up. And she was like, well, he's still the father of my son. And like she had pictures in her house of them as a family. She's like, well, because this is still his house and these are his parents. But like I know I have, I was married prior, no kids, but I have a box that's like our wedding album and stuff like that.

And I remember one time years and years ago saying something to my husband about, should I get rid of this? He's like, why would you? It's part of who you are. And plus every six weeks or seven weeks, you get half a bottle of red wine and you're just going through the box and you're like, me? A, no, I don't drink. B, just no.

And then? And I think that'd be weird if I was doing that. But if the idea that he's like, I mean, it's just part of who you are. It's in a box in the attic, but it's like throwing it away doesn't make it not exist. And my kids know I was married. Yeah. So anybody who dates your friend knows she made a life with somebody and it didn't work out for whatever reason.

It didn't work out. And so that's a part of whoever that person is going to date. So pretending that didn't happen is insane. And also like there's that Michael Scott, remember when he, he's dating that, that woman and he cuts out, he cuts out her husband, ex-husband's face and like on a ski photo with the family and tapes his face in there, glues his face in there. Don't do that. That's insane, right?

And I do think there's a moment where if your friend got remarried, having a bunch of photos in the house of another guy hanging on the wall, that's weird, right? So I can see a bunch of photos on my social media profile if you're newly married to someone who used to have a long term, like that's weird, that's weird, but is what it is. What about when your iPhone or Facebook account pulls up photos that you would rather not be seeing on your day to day life? Like if you have a painful breakup, then what do you do? Like not wanting things to be curated of Facebook saying like, remember this?

And you're like, God, no, I'd rather not. Maybe I'm crazy. I think part of dealing with pain and part of dealing with trauma is metabolizing it, not avoiding it. And so I want to be able to get to a place. My wife thinks I'm part of like, it's a pathology for me. I'm friends with almost all, not all of them,

but almost all of my exes, even back to high school. Like if I see, hear from them or see them, it's always, I always remember joy and they may remember me like, no, no, no, we hate you. Like we don't like you, John. But like, I don't know. I always wanna work through those things. There's very, very few people that when their picture comes up,

that I don't at least smile. Either I'm laughing at them or remember when, or that was a good time. I just, I don't like the avoidance thing. So maybe in a weird way, Apple's like helping us. It gives us little annual reminders of how healthy we actually are or not. At the same time, it's really dangerous to have a bad weekend in your marriage and go check out your old college girlfriend.

That's really unhealthy, right? And she's becoming a fantasy. She's becoming a numbing behavior. And also, it's interesting to be like, I wonder where that girl was that I kissed at that dance in seventh grade. Like, where is she at now? That's natural. It's never happened before in human history that we have all that at our fingertips now, which leads to a bunch of weird marital challenges. But I don't know. I think it's messy. I think it's messy. And I don't know how Apple does all that stuff. So there he goes. Internets, people, you win again. All right. Next question. What is your favorite thing to do on a day off?

I just well, so my wife and I went we had an I had a speaking event. Whoa, is me in at a resort in Mexico. It's pretty awesome. And she came with me. And she laughed and I was like, Hey, let's do this, this and this. And she just cracked up. And she's like, Nope, you will sleep 20 hours a day. Like every, every hour you're not working, you're not speaking or doing your thing. You'll be cashed. And I was like, no way. I just go so hard all the time. I just collapse. And so honestly, I like to rest and be chill. This weekend starts, and I go in seasons, this weekend starts hunting season. And so I get rather feral during the season and people always comment like, wow, you haven't

shaved in a long time. And I'm like, don't speak to me. And then I'll go through like the, it's all coming down the end of January, into February, like our show's failing. What am I doing? I need to go back and end of February. Like our show's failing, what am I doing? I need to go back and be a professor. This whole thing's awful. And then in March, the sun comes out and I'm like,

let's go, let's go for a hike. Like so, it just is cyclical and seasonal for me. Cody, my manager knows just, he doesn't take a lot of my emails during the month of February because they're all caustic and ah. And he also doesn't jump at everything I suggest in March or April or May because he knows I'm overly want to take the world on.

I'll say yes to everything and then I'll be sad in October, November. So just cyclical. But I like to spend time with my kids. I love spending time with my wife. She's a close buddy. I like playing music with the gang. I like to go into concerts. I love going to stand up comedy and I like being out in the woods catching something.

What about you? What do you like to do besides just drink and get tattoos? Seriously, only because of the show. But I don't, it's just the thing, y'all. I don't even drink. So she lies to y'all America. I tell the truth. She does not.

I think they know. It depends on if it was a day like if my husband and I just had, we're home, you know, breakfast. Slow down, family show, slow down. Breakfast. Okay, breakfast. Out like, my idea would be we'd be able to go to Loveless Cafe when it's not a two and a half hour wait, you know, have a nice breakfast, walk around downtown some little tiny town that we have a ton of these here in that area where you have the little town squares with shops

and stuff in them. If it's just me and I have a day off, probably a lot of, sadly, I would love to say I have all these grand things, but it's probably a lot of napping in front of the television, falling asleep. But if I have, you know, if I'm up and about and doing things, I get out in the sun, go take a hike, go walk around. And I also love the idea. I love like going to coffee shops by myself and I love eating meals by myself. No problem doing that whatsoever. Going to a movie by myself, totally fine with all that. I love it. Isn't she a joy, America? Because I deal with all of this a lot, so sometimes I need-

She won the lottery. A little alone time. A little, yes, a little don't talk to me time. All right. What's your favorite social distortion song? Oof. Two of them are a tie. When the Angels Sing, which is pretty extraordinary, off the White Light, White Heat, White Trash album and also on that same record, my other favorite song by them is I Was Wrong.

The song I Was Wrong became an anthem for me back in 2000, 2001 or 2002 when it was released and Mike Ness, the singer of the singer of that band was just the pillar of punk rock attitude, not like Green Day punks where you have green hair and you're like, Oh my gosh, girls. But it was like real thick black boots and jeans and we're going to fix the car and we're coming over to your house to burn it. It was like old punks. And so he was the picture of, you don't apologize.

You don't say like you like you just go hit the next guy in the room. And when he came out with that song, it was at a pivotal point for me growing up, like going from being a kid, being a college kid to it, like, I've got to be a grown man now. And for whatever reason, that lodged itself into my soul. Like I was wrong, and it's okay to say that. And the whole song is called I was wrong. It's one of my favorite songs of all time. But those two songs are pretty amazing. I've lodged a self into my soul. I was wrong and it's okay to say that. And the whole song is called I was wrong.

It's one of my favorite songs of all time, but those two songs are pretty amazing. All right. I'm going to go again off script off with this favorite favorite Guns N' Roses song. Favorite Guns N' Roses song. Great question. I've got multiple memories wrapped around him. Is that okay? Patience was a song that me and a guy named Brandon who was one of the most amazing musicians I've ever played with we used to play Patience all the time we had a little acoustic duo and we travel around like little coffee shops and little at college and stuff we play and

That was always just the crowd favorite back in the day. It's such an amazing song. It's so good. And he was so talented. It was just, that was fun. I remember Paradise City coming and being the first, that was like my generation's Bohemian Rhapsody. It was like an eight minute, there's 14 songs. It's just utter chaos, but it's controlled. And there's a sing-along chorus to it. It was just the perfect song for a guy growing up trying to learn what rock and roll was and one to have his own band That beginning of Paradise City just the strum when it's just slash I have so many frickin memories tied to just that beginning I mean I can think of a million things because I was so you were probably in middle school because I was

What was it 89 newborn? 89 I think and so I was, what was it, 89? I was a newborn. No you weren't. 89 I think. You were graduating college. I was a freshman in high school. Yeah, sure. And so, but I just have, yeah, for some reason that bit right there, especially a million, it's just a flood of memories.

For nerds, like for music nerds, I listened to that intro strum. It's the most perfect, like time signature wise, tonally, like it's the most perfect that... That first chord, I would just hit, I would just back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up, because I was so perfect. And then the end chaos where you can hear everything exploding when you see it live and they're running around and there's rockets everywhere, it's just what it's supposed to be.

Like, whatever you think rock and roll is supposed to be, it is. That song played live. I just remember smiling ear to ear. I've seen it twice live. I smiled ear to ear and I didn't stop. It was just every little boy on planet Earth has imagined themselves being Slash, standing up in front of the whole screaming crowd, playing that solo at the end of Paradise City while Axl's running around behind you just

doing some sort of- Probably having a tip or change from about something. Of some sort, but yeah, those are important. And then there was just songs when that, when Appetite for Destruction came out, it was just such an inappropriate record. And it was just a way to like be a little rebellious kid without doing anything. You just had to put your headphones on. And much to my chagrin, 25 or 30 years later, when I saw that concert, I was like,

oh, all those songs are downloaded in there. Like, I knew every word to every song, so. Oh yeah, my Michelle, Mr. Brownstone's one of my favorites, and I know it's horrible. I'm fully aware of what it's about, but I love the song. I remember they come out and they started playing their first song, and I I mean the place erupts

And I'm with four of my oldest friends. I mean three of my oldest friends on the planet One of the mothers one of my childhood second moms She calls me I live eight hours away And she said I know this is crazy And this is the the mother of my closest one of my oldest friends on the planet who's paraplegic now. She said I did something crazy I heard there's a Guns N' Roses show I bought four tickets is there any way you could fly down and the whole old gang go and I was like

I will be there and it was a one of the it was a fun wild night, but Two lines into the first song. I remember going whoa. Whoa, whoa, I have a daughter. I'm not singing this. What song was it? I don't want to say. Like, was it Rocket Queen or My Michelle? I just remember going, no, no, no, I have a daughter. We're not, this is,

Mr. Rose, you're being rude and tacky. It's inappropriate. Inappropriate. So I crossed my arms for that song. But then we got back into it. But I just remember being like, oh my gosh, no kid should have listened to this record. Well that's pretty much all music from the 90s. I know. That I listened to in my car and I'm like, this is awful. And then I turned it up and yeah. Yes.

All right, last question on this one. Favorite Metallica song. Favorite Metallica song, my gosh, that's fantastic. Going all the way back, there's a song off their Killamall record called Whiplash that I remember being the fastest. I remember thinking I didn't know how human beings could play a song that fast and it being like being electrified. I remember being like that's what it yeah let's I want to play that fast and so I remember Whiplash and gosh, all those Ride the Lightning records and I just, I guess if I had to pick one, there's just, this is very unpopular to say, but it is very hard

to beat. Interstand Man. Interstand Man. Yeah. As the greatest metal song of all time. It really is. Yeah. It's perfect.

It's perfect. It is perfect. If I have to pick one, like to me it's like Interstand Man and then everything else. Yeah. It's perfect. It's perfect. It is perfect. If I have to pick one, like to me it's like Inner Sandman and then everything else. Yeah. Nothing else matters. For some reason, I just, I love that. See, I was, I remember being so upset with that song. Like I wasn't allowed to listen to the record.

Like oh, you guys sold out. Cause when they played one, it was about like a war veteran. They played sanitariums about someone going crazy. So even their slower songs were about something caustic, right? But then just like James having a bad day singing about it. Yeah, it's something in Hetfield's voice in that one that I love. There's something in his voice that I just love. It sounds like a person being seen naked for the first time. Like this is what this is me. And there's just that awkwardness to it. That's really, it's pretty rich. Yeah.

Yeah, but Intersting Man is the perfect metal song. It's really, it's pretty rich. Yeah. Yeah. But Intersemin is the perfect metal song. It's the best metal song I've ever written. It just is. Except for Walk by Pantera. Oh my gosh. But if I'm being objective, Intersemin is the greatest metal song of all time. Alright, so we'll be right back with more Ask Me Anything right after this. Christmas time is here. There's parties, there's buying last minute gifts, there's being sad that nobody bought you anything, there's traveling, running around, all of it. And there's so much going on that we can forget

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This show is sponsored by better help. Hey this time of year Most of us just want to stay in and get super cozy. My perfect cozy night at home is something that me and my family call bed pile. And that's when my whole family gets under some blankets around the fire and we either read some books out loud like a bunch of nerds or we watch a movie together. For a lot of people though,

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h-e-l-p dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Ask me anything. We just talked music. So what are you talking about now? All right. Trauma has become a buzzword. We'll just jump right in. We'll talk about trauma. What is it really and how do you recognize its effects? I guess as simply as I could put it is trauma is your body reenacting something in the present that happened to you in the past. And you can detect it when your body begins to try to protect you from something.

That's probably the easiest way I could say that. Whether it's a hard conversation, whether it's fear, whether it's somebody you feel somebody come on up behind you, it's just your body trying to take care of you in some shape form or fashion. Particularly, ah, it's probably, you know what, that's not a good answer. Here's a better answer. Traum is when you have a memory of an event, a thing, a person, a situation, and your body goes into fight or flight in the present right now. It jumps to protect you right now.

Other things are just actually scary, right? Walking in a dark alley doesn't mean you had trauma, just means you're in a dark alley and someone might hatchet murder you as they would in one of your podcasts. Or in Nate Dogg's dreams. Wild dreams there. But yeah, traumas when you have a memory of a person, a place, or thing, an event, and our situation, and your body gets flooded. It just tries to protect you. And heart rate, numbing devices, sweaty, like there's any number of things, crying, tearful, anything. All right. This one says, I want to journal and be vulnerable, but I worried that someone will read it. How do I get past that? Mommy, my honest answer is find somebody you can read it to.

Go straight through that fear. Like write it down and sit down with somebody and say, I have to, I've got to tell you something bananas. I remember someone who I loved dearly, not my wife, someone I loved dearly was really struggling with some intrusive thoughts postpartum and had just convinced herself that if somebody knew the thoughts she was having, these images that they're going to take her kid. And so it was so it's like I let him rip tell me and You just watch this like I should remember her physiology changing in front of me because she's been holding it So tight and I said you go see somebody right away, which she did

But I think there was that initial I'm not gonna take your kid. You're an extraordinary mom. You love your kid What's going on in your head and your heart. And then she went and told her over GYN who was amazing too. So I could actually do something about it. I couldn't do anything about it other than just be there. But I, yeah, I'll leave it at that. All right.

How do you feel about your impact on other people's lives? Only in the last year has it gotten very real and it gets, it's gotten pretty heavy. So in a strange way, I have to stay pretty distant from it. Um, cause I think at the end of, like I say this and not to be trite, but like, I have the easiest part of this thing. That's just to sit and talk on the phone with somebody. And I look straight at a camera, so I don't actually see the person I'm talking to. And the real heroes are people who listen to this thing and then go sit down and they

tell their wife like, hey, I want to do something different. Or I don't know how to be a better dad, but I want to, or the wives who say like, I need more help around here. And they've never said that. They've never seen somebody model how to say that. And so, or the person who says I'm struggling pornography or I cheated on you or like whatever has to, whatever has to happen so that we can go to what happens next. And that's bravery. So I'm always impressed with people who call.

I'm always impressed with people who reach out or see me in an airport somewhere and says like, I went and did the thing. That to me is awesome. But I have to be careful not to try to carry everybody's story because I can't. I don't have that kind of strength. I'm not that strong. And so over the last year, I've recognized the weight of it all. And it's pretty cool and it's neat. And I've had to consciously remain at arm's length from it. Otherwise, it can become a part of my identity

and that's not safe. What about you? People write in and say like, hey, thanks to John and they always say, and team, which I guess it means you. Like, that was me being sarcastic by the way, everybody. I think we all caught that. Yeah, they do way more than I do.

But like, how's it for you? Well, I think- think you read all the emails that I don't read, I don't get access to those. Like you read all the emails that come in and you hear the stories over and over and over. Yeah. When we first started doing this show, man, that took some time. I remember my husband walking in, I was working at home one night, like 11 o'clock going through emails and I was just crying, and he walked in and he was like, nope, this has to change. This can't continue.

And I had to learn how to compartmentalize it. And that's why we talk about, I think we all talk about, as soon as I walk out of here, I can't tell you the calls we just did. It's really a strange phenomenon. Yeah. And I think we all feel that because I have to shut it off. It's like an SOS catch just gets shook and then we're out. And then it's like, okay, onto the next one.

And I know when I go through emails, sometimes I'm sure it seems heartless because I have to be just so yes, no, yes, no, because we get 200 a day. So it's just, yeah, it's a matter of just turning it off. And I'll have, when we're in our content strategy meetings and our Trevor, our content strategist will be like, so when John was doing this call, what did he say? And Taylor and I are like, we don't even remember the call. And he's like, it was last week. We don't remember yesterdays because we've just turned it off. You have to. Yeah. And that may mean that sometimes I sit at lunch and I don't sit with people and I sit by myself and just put my earbuds

in. That's because she's antisocial. Partially. Or like if it's at the end of the day and you've my earbuds in. That's because she's anti-social. Partially. Or like if it's at the end of the day, and you've had to, you know, I go home and there's like no radio in the car, you know. I do that often. Yeah, it's just silence.

Peace. But do you ever, do you ever, one of the coolest things is when somebody stops me somewhere and says, I don't want to bother you, just need to tell you, I started talking, I've been listening to your show, I started talking to my wife different, and it's made all the difference.

Or I sat down with my husband and we're seeing a counselor and I think we're going to make it. Like they'll walk away and that's one of the greatest gifts somebody can give me is like, because we all hit send, right? And we go home to our lives and it's not like a live event where you can feel it and you know it's there and you meet people after the show and all that. This is just like you hit send and then so there's something really extraordinary about somebody stopping and saying hey thank you. Like that I can't tell people who listen what a big deal that

is. It's awesome. All right. If you could play lead guitar for any band dead or alive for one show, who would it be and why? Lead guitar for any band. Good gosh, that's a great question. I will probably go to yikes. It's a great question, man. Stumperoo. I would go to 92 to 94 Pantera.

There was a, they would, it's the only band I've ever seen. That's not true. There's only been a couple of bands, very few, that you walk into a room and they absolutely have absorbed the soul of that room room or the stadium or wherever you happen to be. Those were electric seasons. I just remember that guy could play guitar. These were the best of all time ever.

It was pretty cool. So yeah, the way they could move a crowd with that stuff was just astounding to me. What about you? Well, I don't play guitar. So first of all, that'd be a miracle. But if I could ever, so I'm going to ask you a question and I'll answer it too. This kind of goes with that. If you could see one band, one artist, dead or alive, ever, you know, one time, just to

watch them play, who would it be? Queen. Oh, that's why it's Queen. Queen. Freddie Mercury Queen. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. I mean, I've seen most of the bands I wanted to see. I would love to have gone to like see somebody like Buddy Guy or Howlin' Wolf, like old blues guys in a dive in New Orleans. Like I would love to see that. Shows like that I would love to go see or I can catch them in the early days. But man, seeing Queen and just being swept up in nothing. I can't even, yeah, that'd be incredible.

And Brian May is just the, I mean, he's just the perfect guitar player. Oh yeah. So I've seen most of the bands that I wanted to see in my life. It would have been cool to catch Hendrix or something like that. But seeing the spectacle that was Queen would have been amazing. My second would be Journey with Steve Perry back in like 79, 80, a huge Journey fan. Love him. Yeah. But like that's right when you were doing your first marriage, that was an important

time for you. I was five. Yeah, whatever. Six. I'd just like to point that out. Whatever. The show's brought to you by Geritol. Yeah. Because I have a sister, my brother and sister are quite a bit older than I am. So I grew up listening to, I had a Kiss poster on my wall when I was five. It explains a lot.

But because I was listening to their music and so I've been a Journey fan since practically since they were. This is Sacrilege in the rock and roll community. Kiss is the one band that I've never been able to figure out. Oh, they're a marketing, I mean it's is the one band that I've never been able to figure out. Oh, they're a marketing, I mean it's a hundred percent marketing. I've never understood them. Like the fixation.

And I hear that a lot of it was reading liner notes because they didn't have MTV back in the day. They didn't have all these pictures of these guys in the albums. And that's all you had. There was no websites, there was no social media. So you just would buy the record and you'd open it and there'd just be these pictures and you make little booklets and Well, and I remember they were the first that my brother was a huge kiss fan and he had the kiss t-shirt Because I have a picture he went to school picture day with a kiss t-shirt. My mom was so mad But we still have that he had a kiss lunchbox and they just they were the first ones to do that

Nobody did that market everything. Oh, yeah yeah they're geniuses when it comes to that kind of stuff but my favorite my poster was Peter Chris the drummer when he would sing Beth. I just think you like it. It's not good. He was dressed like a cat. It's not great I mean you listen to it you're like that's not great. But it's just. Kelly has a thing for men fortunately her husband does not have this but she loves men with like just stringy Burger King manager mustaches. And Peter Chris just like painted his own. And you loved that.

Shout out. I was a Burger King manager mustache. I only tried to drag you guys down because you all are making it happen with that Whopper with cheese. But like, you know what I mean? Like just the little like, oh, just let's just shave that guy. You love that. I can't hear you. I said, does that explain my fascination with Kid Rock and Dave Navarro? Yeah, some of those guys, probably.

Every once in a while I'm right on the nose. Yeah. All right. All right. We'll be right back to wrap up this AMA if you're still with us. There's no one's listening to this, Kelly. We'll be right back to wrap up this AMA if you're still with us. There's no one's listening to this, Kelly. We'll be right back. Ayo, I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside Club. I think I'm the only member. And yet, I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life, pretty much living entirely on the Internets.

And as a society, we're creating more and more in online accounts all of the time. We're signing up for promos and giving away our emails and personal numbers and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account. Every business wants to survey me and become my friend now. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff and it drives me nuts.

And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, Delete Me will find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they will send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. As of now, I'm getting fewer and fewer of those spammy text and phone calls which allow me to let my guard down just a little and feel some peace on the internets.

This holiday season, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's joindeleteeme.com slash deloney. All right, we're back with I guess the last segment of this Ask Me Anything. It's mostly been talking about Kelly's music preferences. What does healthy masculinity look like? Oh my gosh.

Can I just say the phrases that just popped into my head? Yeah. Can I just say the phrases that just popped into my head? Yeah. I can and I don't have to. I get to and I will. And I know when to fight and I know when to provide and I know when to love and I know when to lay it all down and Masculinity is knowing

When can you give me an example of the can I can I get to all of those We've never really talked about on the show we're gonna lose some listeners on this one, that's okay. I spent years I was listening said, no one's listening anymore. I spent years learning mixed martial arts so I never have to fight anybody. I can and I won't. I just will walk away. And I grew up, my dad was a homicide detective. I grew up around guns and I know how to handle guns so that I never get some fantasy about using them. I know how to go out and hunt a deer and to, from start to have it in the freezer and then cook it. I know how to do that. So, man, I really enjoy a hamburger and cheeseburger. right? And so it's, I think there's this idea

that you do all these things so that you can exert your will on the world. That's such a lame way to live. It's an exhaustive way to live. But also equally exhaustive is this new world where men are happy about the things they don't know how to do. I don't know how to do that. I would never want to, that's insane too, right?

That's just a little sliver of history. So I think this idea that I can and because I can, I don't have to is a, I think Jordan Peterson says becoming terrifying so that I can be as gentle as possible. Because if you're not, if you don't have that power and that strength that you know you can draw upon, if I didn't know I couldn't go get my family food if I needed to, then I'd become an anxious mess. You follow every political trend

and you outsource every decision, every everything, every ah to everybody else and you never have peace. And in the book, I don't want to talk about it by Terry Reels, one of the top five books of my lifetime, but he talks about going to meet a warring tribal chief, I think in Africa. And he noticed that they were overly, overly like affectionate with their sons, holding hands with their sons, hugging their sons, kissing their sons all the time.

And he asked about the interplay between this war tribe and this affection, like which one is it? And the chief said something along the lines of, it's both and, it's the mark of a true man is knowing when to do which. And that always sat with me, like that's it, right? It's I can, so I don't have to. And that to me is it.

Love that. So how do you limit kids access to social media when they're at school or with their friends? Because we've talked a lot about at home. Well, number one, if they don't have a device, they don't have a device. Number two, if a kid shows them something, they're going to show them something at school.

I mean, you play as much defense as you can, but you got to send your kids out into the world, which means you can't just, you can't play defense by prevention and have no conversation. You you gotta talk about it. And I always go back to those like, it's the investment in relationships so that when they see something that they can't process,

like some kid shows them a terrorist beheading video on some social media account, or they show them the first topless woman in their sixth grade, show them that for the first time or fourth grade or third grade and they don't have a psychology for they just saw other than it was terrifying or it was awesome or it was like kind of amazing or like I want to throw up, I can't sleep. It's the image stuck in my head. That's the reason you go to breakfast every Tuesday over the course of five years, six

years is the reason you drive your kid to school with the radio down. There's those reasons so that there's a relational context for when those things pop up. And, um, and you always enter those spaces, not with who showed you that I'm going to, you show it with, man, thank you for sharing that. That sounds scary. Or yeah, somebody that I shared on is pretty amazing that's why it's bounded in this context right that's why it's important to so I I you you're gentle and you open with curiosity but kids are gonna see stuff cuz gonna see stuff that doesn't mean because I hear this all the time they're

gonna see you to school so I might as well that's insane that's like saying my kid might get punched in a by a bully So I'm just gonna hit him all that like stupid. That's just stupid and there's I mean we're I'm over the top as a parent and but Especially when my son was younger when he's in middle school and elementary school We if he was going to a place where there's unfettered phones and internet He wouldn't want to go. I just said no, he just said no. And thankfully the parents were always so gracious and cool.

So. All right. Can you pick a couple of your tattoos and tell us the story behind them? Um, I guess, yeah. You want me to take my shirt off? I can't believe I'm going to say this, but yes, you've been asking for that forever Kelly it would help the YouTube show Yeah, I guess let me see here All right, let's see here so

Here's a funny one So I had this little just gap right here. So I got these prayer hands. Have I told you about this? Yeah, well, I you told me so I don't know. I got these prayer hands I just saw my old social distortion something rather and I thought they were cool But my daughter they're praying hands, but my daughter Josephine when I came home She was like, why did you get a tattoo of somebody clapping for you on your own arm? And I was like, she said something like, do you need that? I was so like such a skewer.

I think she was six or seven. The cardinal is my grandmother had collected porcelain birds as a little boy. I wasn't allowed to touch them. And I always wanted to. And there was a blue bird and a red bird in my eye line as a little boy. And right before she died, she gave me both of those. And after I got this tattoo, I got it downtown New Orleans. Super sketchy, but it was good. And then came to find out that Cardinals, the myth of the Cardinal is it's somebody that you've lost is visiting you. And so I spent a ton of time out in the

woods and whenever I'm hunting or just out there in the woods quiet and a red bird comes, a cardinal comes, I always just smile. I think of my grandmother. When I see a bluebird, I just pretend it's my granddad and it's cool. And even the other day, a bluebird came and sat right next to me while I was in a tree and just sat there and I got this overwhelming sense of peace and out of nowhere I texted my sister and said, this is going to sound crazy but I just heard from granddad and he said, whatever you're working through, it's

going to be all right. And she texted me back, she goes, well, when I get done crying, I'll call you. And I guess she'd been working. I mean, so it's just a cool little serendipitous is what it is. This was the last Christmas card or birthday card my grandmother wrote me. It just said we love you and they took it and tattooed it. So I'm just a sentimental guy. I love that.

And I got this one because of demons and dragons. I'm just like the least hard guy there is. All right, so last one. If you could pick three headliners for DeLoni Cella, what bands are you choosing? DeLoni Cella. It would be the Avett Brothers and Turnstile and

Kyle and My Weekly Low. That's our great choice. Great choice. Dumb button. No, I would not pick that band. I don't know. Who else would I pick? I don't know. Who else would I pick? I don't know. I can't tell you that.

Pantera? I'm trying to think. Yeah, I mean, OG, if I could bring him back from like two of them have passed away. Like you said, like 92 Pantera. That would have been tough. Turnstile and the Ava brothers could work. Pantera and the Ava brothers would be a little bit of a stretch. Hey, it's your show.

Be whoever you want. It could be whoever it was. It is my show. Yep. You know what else I would bring out? Like, 85 Run DMC. I like that. 85 Run DMC and Licensed to Ill Beastie Boys. But they had already written Ill Communications so they would play some of those songs even though that record wasn't out yet. And then the Avett brothers would come on and shut the whole thing down.

And God, can I just tell you this? Of all the concerts I've ever seen, in the top five, in the top five, which is a bold statement, Mumford and Sons absolutely annihilated the place that I saw them. It was three dudes and they had like another couple of guys kind of on background instruments. I've never seen anything like it. Yeah, I've never seen them live but I've heard they're amazing. It was something to behold how great it was. And so if they showed up as a surprise guest, that'd be kind of cool. I'm not even a huge Mumford and Sons fan. I just remember leaving being like, there's no way I just saw that. how great it was. And so if they showed up as a surprise guest, that'd be kind of cool.

I'm not even a huge Mumford & Sons fan. I just remember leaving being like, there's no way I just saw that. Like three dudes come out, or four dudes, and just melt 16,000 people in this closed air basketball gym. It's pretty cool. But I love the Ava brothers with all my heart and Turnstyle is just the best, they're the best live band out right now. So I don't know who would you have? Michael L.B. Smith for sure. Steven Chris Chapman for sure. Let's just say no.

It would probably be 1992 Guns N' Roses. So, you know, original line up. So you'd have to go to church before and then after. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, because 92 was the last time I saw them. So, so good. I saw them in Metallica same day in a festival. It's amazing. Anyway Teddy swims And This is a random concert Yeah, there's lots of fist fights in the parking lot already. Yeah, and then I'm gonna make it even worse George straight George straight. Yeah in my top ten just amount of, just the catalog alone of George Strait. So it's a very connected concert up there.

I just remember Chris Stapleton walked out at the Ryman and just started playing this one song. I've never heard an audience that quiet. It was like we were witnessing something very spiritual. One of my best concerts ever was Stapleton at the Ryman just a few years ago. It's unbelievable. I had the chance to see him again at the big stadium here and I was like, I'm good. I've seen him at the Ryman.

I'm good. There's no way a human has that much talent and that much kindness. Like everyone talks about him in town. Like he's the kind, if I could, if people would talk to about me, one quarter of how nicely they talk about him. Like he is just the greatest human being. Anyway. Yes.

Okay. So a turnstile would open. Who did I say? David brothers turnstile. Run DMC. Run DMC. Beastie Boys. You cheated a little.

You know who else would come out? You cheated a little. Early 2000s, late 90s, Counting Crows. Back when they were in their heyday. Back when the brothers were still both in the band. Gosh, they were amazing. Yeah, I got to see them in concert in. No, that's the Black, you're talking about Black Crows. Yes, I would love that.

I would like, I want an All Birds concert. Counting Crows. I want Counting Crows. Black Crows. Black Crows and the Avett brothers. That would be cool. There'd be lots of drugs at that show being used by you. Me, I'm sober, but she is not.

Man, what's your favorite tattoo you have and why? No, I have none, literally zero. God, you lie and you lie and you lie. The truth is going to come out. We're in the age of the internets. Your Wikipedia page, let's do that. We're going to get a body composition. But if people will stick around for the outro, I have a fun question kind of around that. We'll be right back. All right. So y'all know that this show is hosted on the Ramsey Network.

We're a part of a company called Ramsey Solutions that has been helping people get control of their lives and their money for more than three decades. This January 23rd, we're throwing a party in the form of a live stream called Take Control of Your Money. Into the new year, everybody's worried about the finances. This live stream is for you. And check this out.

We're giving away $20,000 in cash prizes over the course of the live stream to five lucky winners. That's 4,000 bucks a person. And this live stream is gonna be rad. It's gonna have Dave Ramsey, my friends Jade Warshall, George Campbell, Rachel Cruz, and they're going to be talking about how to make progress on your money goals once and for all. And there's going to be live questions in a Q&A format. This is going to be rad. Go ahead and mark your calendars. January 23rd, take control of your money live stream. It's going to be amazing. All the cool kids are gonna be there.

I didn't get invited, but everyone else is gonna be there. I want you to be there too. And I want you to win $4,000. Go to ramsysolutions.com slash live stream. All right, we are back. As we wrap up the show, Kelly, you have one more? Yes, somebody sent this in. Okay.

If you could 100% design Kelly's next tattoo without her having any say, what would it be? Oh, no question about it. No question. It would be Delonie in Old English across your shoulders. I mean, no question about that. Like right now you have those two middle finger tattoos on each shoulder blade, like where the wings would go if you had gotten like, they give us two giant middle fingers, I would

go over the tops of the fingers with just the word deloni and old English. It'd be so good. When you're always wearing those white beater, like those take top things, it would look so rad. I thought I was done with my old English face. Oh, I bring it back for the deloni tattoo Yeah, I would because when you used to run you you You were associate producer of Dave Ramsey show forever and you have like Ramsey and old English like in that circle right over the top Of your belly, but he pays me that's true. I don't pay anything

Yeah, we all we all can tell like Kelly's a volunteer spirit, right? She's just doing this one. Oh, PBL, pro bono. Well, he still pays me. So, you know. Here we go. Here we go. Death Row is the label that pays you. None of y'all know that? Oh my gosh. Taylor just goes, what? Y'all break my heart. She's a lot younger than we are.

What would be the three bands at Taylor Palooza? I genuinely don't know, but I was thinking if you ask me, I'm saying like Justin Bieber, Britney Spears, just to really, really put in there that I'm millennial. But those are like classic rock to you now. You're right. Avril Lavigne, all of them. Oh my gosh. They're classic. She was a skater boy since her later boy.

I might have Avril show up and play a song or two. She played here a couple about two months ago And I know some people went and said she was amazing Oh when I saw her and she brought the house down it was me three other dads and 14,000 screaming middle school girls and That part was kind of awkward, but Avril crushed Avril crushed. What about you Ben? I think I would do like pop-punk like emo from like the 2000s like fallout boy panic at the disco like from their original album. Oh, dude like stuff like that

It'd be rad. Thanks for saying that in public that was a brave thing that you just said out loud This shows about braves. Wasn't easy. Yeah And the Nate dog would just have his strange xylophone bells things that he listens to. No. Just ta-ta-ti-ti-ta. I'd say like My Chemical Romance Green Day. Those would be my top two. Again, the amount of drug use that goes on behind that screen, behind the glass.

Hey, thank you all for being with us. If you're still listening, I know your holidays are not going well for you. So I hope they will go better for you. And man, I love you, love you, love you, love you. Thank you so much for being with us. We'll be back soon.