The Dr. John Delony Show - Best Calls of the Show (One Year Anniversary Special)

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode It's the 1-Year Anniversary of the show and John, James, and Kelly pick their favorite episodes and dissect them: I'm Living in a Sexless Marriage! What Should I Do? I’m Seeing a Married Woman and I Feel Guilty! My Girlfriend Has Gained Weight! What Should I Do?! Boyfriend Thinks I’m Lazy and Out of Shape I Get Annoyed By My Wife's Feelings... Lyrics of the Day: "Wind Beneath My Wings" - Bette Midler   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? It's our one year anniversary special show. We go through five of the top calls of all time. We replay and we talk about what I did good, what I could do better next time, what's going on in the hearts and minds of listeners, and we tell you what's to come. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So glad you're with us. There's like a billion podcasts and you somehow you picked this one. So we're so glad you're here and you're with us. James, Kelly, Nikki B, Sarah, everybody, this is the big one, guys.

It's a big day. You like how I did that? This isn't that big a deal. It is a big deal. It is a big deal. Trust me, from our perspective, this is a big deal. After all of the meetings that we're like, oh, we think this is going to tank. This is the one-year anniversary show on the big Deloney show.

Can you believe we're all still employed? This is such a big deal. First episode came out on August 31st 2020. Man. And I haven't killed you yet. Look at that. I'm going to disagree with that. I mean, this is John 3.0. I disagree.

Hey, so look at that! Hey, I don't know how you can turn the thing that away, the cameras. Everybody out there, this is part of the Deloney squad, the gang, who helps everything stay together. And I like Jeremy over there is acting like, hey, I'm one of the gang guys. I'm in. He's super not. He's, there you go.

He's out of here. Will and even Don and John, everybody, Rachel and Rachel, Corey, Brad, Natalie and Berlia, it's so good, Meg, Alicia, everybody. Andy, that's only like half of the crew. I knew that you would just wing it, so I actually wrote down the names just so we could include everybody. Cody and Corey and Eva and Brad, Natalie and Berilia, Rachel, John, Will, Shelby, Connor, Trevor, McKenzie, Alicia, Zach, and Zach, and Sarah and Nick and Ben and Catherine and Brooklyn. We still talking about Brooklyn even though she...

All right. Half these people I think you drove out of the company, but we'll still thank them. That's actually a fair statement. They were like, oh, we see the trajectory of our lives and we're out, right? Brooklyn, we miss you if you're listening to this. Same with you, Catherine. And Rachel and Dawn and Amy and Jeremy and Blake

and everybody. Blake, the godfather. Dude, good to see you, man. Hey, listen, everybody, I'm so grateful. There is 0% chance that we thought this would still be happening a year after we started this thing. Zero. And none of this.

I was going to say to the listening audience who's like, man, that guy's really smart. They don't think that ever. And none of this happens without you guys. I'm so grateful. Thanks to everybody. High five. Congratulations to all the guys for randomly wearing guys. I'm so grateful. Thanks to everybody. High five. Congratulations to all the guys for randomly wearing blue.

That just seems weird. Oh, am I supposed to do this? Oh, gosh, dude. And Cody. Cody's wearing blue, and he brings a cake in. How do I get the camera to see this? It's right there. I don't want to tilt it.

Can you see? We got John a Les Paul cake. A Les Paul cake, man. You have to eat it on air. I'm going to eat it on air. This is the first sugar I've had in six months. I appreciate it. Well, come in here.

Come wave. This is Cody. Cody runs my entire life. He's everything. And he wears blue shirts. And we wear the same clothes. Good to see you, man. Congrats, dude.

I fought for a Tele cake, but... Who made this? It smells good. Lauren at our company. Lauren Piper made that. It's a Gibson cake. This is so great. Well, hey, everybody.

Cheers with your coffees and your high fives and whatever. Thank you all so much for being around. We made it a year. All right, so here's the data. Ready? Oh, man, I got cake on my arm now. I'm going to move this over here. This is not going to end well.

Oh, man. It smells so good in here. Oh, my. That's sugar-free, right? Oh, yeah. It's all stevia. It's... You don't even know what that means. That's so great.

All right. So, we're one year in. We've got 10 million views on the YouTubes. I learned I had a YouTube channel a few weeks ago. That's pretty exciting. 75,000 subscribers. Is that good? Everyone I look at has like 11 million.

I'm going to go with good. It's fine. You'll get there. And then the podcast, dude, we hit 5 million downloads. That's kind of a big deal, huh? Is it? I don't know. I feel like people are going to Google and be like,

dude, me and my brother have a show about cats in our basement, and it's got 5 million. I don't know. I feel like people are going to Google and be like, dude, me and my brother have a show about cats in our basement, and it's got five million. I don't know. That sounds great. It is good. I always say, okay, we have 17 listeners. I have five friends, and I don't have five million, and my mom can't even hit refresh.

So that tells me it's good. So, hey, what's your favorite part of the show been so far, Kelly? Let me put it this way. What's your favorite part about entering this new world? Honestly, it's been, because, you know, James and I do the Ramsey show as well, and we started that. It was already a huge show. It was already up and running, and then we kind of took over and just basically tried not to sink the ship, which we've done pretty well. But this was fun to build from the ground up it was completely different than anything

I'd ever done starting it, building it, figuring out what it was going to be like so that has been the most fun for me. Jimmy? Yeah none of us knew what we were doing this type of show like Kelly said we've done like a color driven show but not one that's not live and

that has to be produced and stuff like that so we were all new at this and it's been awesome to figure it out as we go together. And we got Blake back there. We got Nick, who's been running the cameras for a couple months now, man. Nick, we're glad you're here. Sarah, are you still back there? Yes. Who cuts and pastes all this.

So great, man. What a rad crew. This is awesome. Okay, so today's show, we're going to go through. We picked our favorites, right? The top five of all this. So great, man. What a rad crew. This is awesome. Okay, so today's show, we're going to go through. We picked our favorites, right? The top five of all time. And we're going to go through them. The ones who have ended up becoming the best clips ever, I guess.

Is that how you say that? I think the best clips ever are just the ones that we remember that we liked. Yeah, so we got Connor, our YouTube guy, and Eric, our podcast guy, in terms of who deal with the distribution, to send us the most popular episodes on YouTube and on podcasts. And then we kind of picked out our favorite five. We sort of each picked one or two from those. And they're the most popular,

so they're the ones that got the most views or the most downloads. And so we're going to kind of show them and then talk about them afterwards. So you're up to about first. We watched these last night. There's like a trip down sadness lane, man. A, some of these were in the old studio. I was not good. How we have, I'm not great now.

There was some roughness back then. They weren't great. Hey, they're the top performing episodes for a reason. I don't know what that reason is. I don't know what the reason is. That's right. Okay, so you want to introduce the first one? You can do it.

You're up first. All right, the first one, the one that is spun up on us is I'm living in a sexless marriage. What should I do? It was episode 17, and it aired on October 7th, 2020. Man, that was right in the middle of the world chaos.

Living in a sexless marriage, what should I do? I live in a sexless marriage for over nine years, and I don't know what to do. I've gained weight. I'm a little depressed. I don't know what to do. So sexless marriage, it's been sexless for nine years, or you all have been married for nine years and it's evolved into this? We've been married for nine years, and since we got married, his libido or his desire has decreased.

He has been tested. His testosterone is low. Then we just recently tested, and it's high now. It's normal, but his desire isn't there. Okay. tested and it's high now it's normal but his desire isn't there okay and it's hard for a woman to have um a higher desire or i guess maybe i don't know if i'm the only woman that has this in america but my husband has like zero desires we have intimacy once every two months, once every month, once every three months. It's very difficult. Yeah. So you posed several questions there. So number one, no, actually,

it's a big secret and it's a secret that weighs on the hearts of women, millions of women across the country. It weighs in the hearts and backs of millions of men across the country is this idea of expected libido. Guys are, the cultural narrative is that guys are just these sex crave lunatics that are always wanting to do it. And that's all they ever think about. And wives are prepped for this. Well, you know, he's just gonna, and then they get to this marriage with a set of mixed matched expectations and then things just go awry. So out of just sheer curiosity, what are the things you've tried over the last nine years? Well, I've tried role-playing. I've bought very sexy lingerie. Even though I'm not into porn,

and he was very into porn when we were dating and then suddenly it just, he took off all the porn out of the house when we were dating. Our sex life was awesome when we were dating. And then I've even suggested if that stimulates you, if you want to watch porn, we can try what they're doing. And it just, I don't know. We've even tried to set up a schedule to see if such day we can role play and we'll meet me at a bar, we'll go to a hotel, nothing. And so, yeah, you've gotten to the point where you're trying to force feed it in there. You've gotten to a point where you're trying to make it happen. What does he say? He's very ashamed.

We had a huge fight a couple days ago. I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional. No, of course. And he just said that I have to deal with it. And it's difficult. Yeah, absolutely. We've been trying to have a baby, but like I told him, we need to try. If we're trying to have a baby, we haven't been able to conceive in five years, but we both need to do our part.

Right. So I just feel lost. I feel very lonely. Yeah. I feel very alone, abandoned emotionally. I've never, ever cheated on my husband. I've never wanted to do that, and I don't want to do that ever. I'm a Christian woman. I love my husband.

I don't know what to do. And I sank into a little bit of depression. I feel I gained 20 pounds because of it. I don't know what to do. So number one, I want to applaud you for reaching out and being vulnerable, okay? Thank you for honoring me with your trust there, okay? Thank you.

The second thing is, as trite as this sounds, this is more than likely not a Valentina issue, okay? And I want you to, I mean, high praise to you for giving it all you had and for really trying to work through if it was situational based, if it was desire based, if it was all do fantasy based, whatever it happens to be. It sounds like you've put in the effort and the love and the care, and you've tried to really do your part there, and I salute you, okay? I want you to hear that.

The other side of you just got to deal with it, that's not an acceptable answer to me. And so where this call is hard for me is I can't talk to him. Right. And so my guess is, well, I don't even want to speculate. There is so much that leads to low libido. There is so much that leads to the potential for sexless marriages. And it can be everything from, like you said, shame. It's relational based all the way back from childhood.

There could be this moment when you became girlfriend, you became wife, and he's got a picture of wife, which is really just an elevated mother, and guys don't like to sleep with their mothers. And so it could be this big psychological quagmire. It could be something not testosterone related, but something other more medically biological related. It could be that he is finding himself attracted to men and not women.

It could be a hundred thousand different things. And we've discussed that. You know, are you homosexual? Do you like men? He says no, he's not attracted to men. He's not a sex addict, a drug addict at all. Right. He's not into drugs. He's not cheating. addict at all. Right. He's not into drugs.

He's not cheating. I've looked and nothing is just because. But so here's the deal. Here's the deal. Listen, listen. This is going to be hard to hear, but he is not a puzzle to be solved. Okay. And he's not a problem to be fixed.

He's a person to be with. And what I'm guessing is the amount of shame he is walking through the world right now is extraordinary. And people who are feeling shame, think of a backpack full of cinder blocks. And people who are carrying that around say things that they don't mean. They get frustrated at the world just because their knees hurt just taking simple steps. And so statements like, you just because their knees hurt just taking simple steps. And so statements like, you just got to deal with it,

that's not a statement of somebody who loves and cares and desires somebody. That's a statement of somebody who's hurting. Okay? Yeah. And he's had an erection problem, so he has ED. Right.

He does have that, but... And the root of so much of that can be psychological and physical and trauma. It can be so much. Have you guys gone to see a counselor? Has he gone to see somebody psychologically? We have the first year of the marriage because from the day that we got married, we had intimacy that day, and then five months later, we didn't.

And I kept, you know um pursuing him and nothing so I did go to a counselor by myself at first he did go for one or two sessions but then he didn't want to he was too ashamed to talk there you go to a woman about the situation about the fact that he can't get an erection and it's difficult for men than for women. That's what he said. Well, that's just, again, it's not, that's just guys, him trying to package this in a way that he can wake up every morning because the shame is pretty overwhelming. So he's got to, this is not a, you know, I think this is a have to. He has to go see somebody and talk about the things that are wound up in his heart and soul.

And here's the thing. You can't make him do that. The more you try to control and pressure and push, that's more bricks and more rocks of shame in the backpack that he's already fallen over from, right? What you can do is you can go see somebody to deal with your frustration and your heartache, and you can model for him what somebody standing a little bit taller and a little bit taller and a little bit taller looks like. Okay?

Okay. I'm telling you this, but I'm also telling anybody watching this, anybody listening to this. Life is too short to live in a sexless marriage. Life is too short to live with bad sex, with people who don't talk to one another, people who don't communicate, people put up for a decade with things that they don't like, they're not comfortable years, 20 years without having hard conversations. And, and suddenly, man, we find ourselves sitting on a couch again, two inches apart from one another and 2000 miles away. We're on different planets, right? And life is too short for that. I'm speaking to the choir here. I know that the only person, this is gonna be hard to hear, the only

person, Valentina, that you can deal with right now, the only person that you can change is you. You can control your thoughts and your actions. And the things that he says, the things that he doesn't respond to, a decade of trying to become his muse is wearing your soul out. It's heavy and it's exhausting. And I want you to walk with a professional counselor for a season to make sure that that doesn't become your shame that you're carrying, that somehow your value is diminished because you couldn't accomplish this thing in somebody else.

You have more value than that. You've got more integrity than that. And you are worth more than that. And I want you to model for him what getting well looks like, what being whole looks like. I'm not concerned the fact that he's got libido issues. That happens. I'm concerned that he doesn't care enough about you to go to the ends of the earth to try to be whole and well. And men listening to this, men watching this, there is not an excuse to not be honest with a doctor. There is not an excuse to not go see a counselor and say, help me. I am drowning the person that I love more than

anything else in the world because of crap that I'm carrying that happened to me when I was a kid. There's no shame in not being able to put down your own bricks, guys. I'm telling you from a dude that struggled with it. It's hard. It is hard. But when we commit to somebody for the rest of their life and we tell them that we love them, we have an obligation to go to the ends of the earth.

The ends of the earth. That means going to have an awkward check at the doctor. That means sitting down with a therapist, male or female, I don't care, and saying, here's what happened to me when I was a kid. Here's what I see when I look in the mirror. Here's what a wife meant to me growing up. And all of a sudden I can't be, I was wildly in love, passionately in love while dating, recklessly erotic when we were dating. And now that we're married, I lost it. The whole role transmission, the whole thing changed.

I'm terrified of being a dad. Whatever the thing is, the combination of medical, psychological. Guys, go see somebody. And this is not just about sex this is about depression this is about anxiety this is about guys who are worried about being good parents i don't care what your issue is guys get over it the world needs us to step up and start feeling the world needs us to step up and start being vulnerable the world needs us to step up and start being with people, not over them, connected to them,

not in charge of them. And so I'm begging you guys, go talk to somebody that will hear you and that will love you. All right, that was it. Hey, cheer everybody. Sexless marriage, right?

We're going to make this as awkward as possible for everyone involved. Listeners, viewers, everybody. All right. So I'm living in a sexless marriage. What should I do? What do you think, James? Man, this was, um, she was really, really sad. It was, she was very vulnerable to call in.

And I think this was so early on. This was only October. This was a couple months in. And for people to build trust with you that quickly to where they would call and ask your advice about something this sensitive is pretty amazing yeah she she was heartbroken and I that's when I knew early on that people needed a place because I remember the first few shows I don't even know if these aired but the first few shows when I would ask somebody,

like, why are you calling me on the radio? And their answer was indicting. Just answering, I got nobody. I got nobody I can tell this stuff to. And you could hear the pain in this woman's voice. Kelly, what'd you think? We got, so I'm the one that, I go through all the emails

and we got so much feedback off that one. And it made me realize what an issue this is in marriages, because we had so many people that say, I'm exactly the same place. What do I do? Men and women both. I would say primarily women that emailed in, but we got so much response that it just made me sad that this is a real legit thing in marriages right now.

What is strange, and again, this is the nature of my marriage versus others, how we've gotten to a place culturally where we can create kids together. We build homes together, and yet we cannot have this conversation in our homes, right? And it's such a barometer of where the status of our relationship is. What's our sex life like and to hear this woman the pain she was experiencing 10 years she had taken this as rejection and then had tried to solve for rejection for so long on an issue that it is clear to me it was not hers right and then i think the deeper level beneath the sex on this call was, or lack of, was that she was all in times 10, and he wasn't. And her shame and guilt drove her to try to solve this problem, and his drove him to neutral, right?

And I just think she deserved better than that, and I know he deserved better. Like, man, it was just a mess, And I, I, I, my heart's out for folks like this. Um, I think that the hard part when you're, when you love somebody and you're trying to do everything that works, you try one thing and you try another thing and suddenly you find yourself out way out on a limb, trying way out there and you lose perspective of the whole, the whole relationship. I don't know. What do you think I could have done differently on this call? I don't know what you could have done differently but i know this was a cool example early on of how sometimes you go into call and you think it's black and white like this person's wrong this person's right and you you often will take a call that seems that

way and you'll say hey i'm proud of you for trying all this stuff but also he's not the way you said he's not a problem to be solved he's not a puzzle he's not a problem to be solved, he's not a puzzle, he's not a problem to be fixed. And showing that like in almost every situation, there's responsibility on both sides and things that both people could be doing differently. And so it was like, your show is very much a both and show and this was a good example of that.

So it was cool how you said he's dealing with a lot of shame and the more that you try to fix him, the more he's going to kind of back off. Yeah, we live in a, I think we live in a culture that has, we try to fix people, try to fix a, find a problem and fix it instead of healing.

Healing takes time and it's gradual and scars remain, but sometimes bones grow back strong, right? So there's all kinds, it's changing the metaphor, I think. And then, yeah, getting back to that both and, that's maybe been the greatest lesson for me over the last year is this guy's hurting really bad and he has a responsibility to go get better, right? She has done everything she can to try to stay in this relationship

and she deserves more than where she's landed, right? So it's both and. And I think leaving both and in, we just live in a culture that says it's either this or either that. And I think it's both and. Kelly, anything else before we go to the next one? No, I just thought that one thing I liked a lot you talked about already is that there's obviously something going on with him

and he's probably embarrassed. Oh, I know he is, yeah. And if it's a physical issue, that's hard to talk about, but then she's taking it as in maybe I know he is. Yeah. And if it's a physical issue, that's hard to talk about, but then she's taking it as in maybe I'm not attractive. And so they're like living on these two islands and they probably both want the exact same thing. You know, I don't think he wants to live this way either, but they're both on these islands and they just have to figure out how to, how to connect on it. But it is, it's, it's a hard thing to talk about, but we can talk about

a million other things in marriage. But I think we also get so transactional once there's kids involved and time and a house and it's easy to let that fall to the wayside and then it's hard to get back to it. Yeah, I think somebody, I say this too often on the show, I need to come up with some different things, but somebody's got sometimes got to flip the lights on

and say, dude, our sex life's a mess and we need to talk about it. And, or I'm at a place now where I want something different or I want something more or I want something unique or I want something weird or I want something that I never thought

I wanted until now. You just got to have a relationship where you can have those conversations. And then for God's sake, when you go to the doctor, go to a counselor, tell the truth, right? Guys are the worst about lying at the doctor's office.

No, I'm good, man. Or with their counselors. If you're going to pay a professional, it's like bringing a roofer over your house and not telling them about the leak in the back, right? Like, I don't want to tell them. So we're just going to be quiet. Now, if you go to a professional, man, just tell the truth and get the help you need so that you can move on. I know there's shame and embarrassment, man. We got to get over this stuff. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks.

And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves

behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10%

off your first month. That's betterhelp.com. All right, James, what's the next one? Kelly has the next one. I chose the one, I'm seeing a married woman and I feel guilty. And that was episode 135, just recently back on the 12th of July. I'm sure you remember the one I'm talking about. I do remember the one you're talking about. 35, just recently back on the 12th of July.

I'm sure you remember the one I'm talking about. I do remember the one you're talking about. The reason I, I hate to say the word liked this one, but the reason I chose this one is this was one of the first times we had see you get, we've seen you get really direct with someone. Whereas before it's always been, oh, that's bad. I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah.

And this one, you were like, dude, you're alone. Yeah. But it's what was necessary for this. And it's what he needed to see. And that really struck me because it was just something different. And we've seen more of that now. But sometimes things require that. Yeah. Everything can't be

handled with kid gloves. It was about three months ago or four months ago, I realized I think I was doing a disservice to people by not getting to the point faster. Plus it's boring to listen to, just me yammering. But also, man, we got to get to the point and get there quick.

All right, so here we go. I'm seeing a married woman, dot, dot, dot, and I feel guilty. I'm calling you today because I am the other man and I'm struggling on what to do and how to progress forward here. What is the other?

I don't know how much time I have to really tell you everything that's going on up to this point. So cut right to the chase. So you made bad decisions, and you're the quote-unquote other guy. I'm pretty sure I know what that means. Yeah. She's been married. She was married for about a year. you made bad decisions and you're the quote unquote other guy. I'm pretty sure I know what that means. Um, yeah, uh, she's been married. Uh, she was married for about a year.

We, you know, first I was friends turned into relationship. Now it's about, you know, nine months or nine, four months ago, uh,

after nine months of being in a relationship, she's trying to find out if she's pregnant. Um, with your kids, she's pregnant. Uh, I doubt it's mine. It's like very low out if she's pregnant. With your kids? Now that she's pregnant, I doubt it's mine. It's like very low chance it's mine. Timing doesn't make any sense.

But at the same time, there's a possibility. And the guy, the husband, still doesn't know about me. Still doesn't know about anything that's going on. So why are you calling me, man? Because I feel like my moral compass has been wrong for so long that I'm trying to debate about how I step out of this and do I tell him?

Do I confront him? I just feel like my moral compass, I mean, is making wrong choice after wrong choice. How do I make it right? I'll ask you, man. how do I make it right? I'll ask you, man. How do you make it right?

I mean, it's like I have feelings for her. I love her. And I'm struggling on how to progress and either phase out of this because I love her, because I know it would be best for a family to be together. Hey, how does this end, man? How does this end? Her husband and you and her go to dinner one night, and he's like, you know what? We're married, but y'all are more perfect than us.

And so my brother, Joshua, I am handing this one off to you. I wish y'all the best. Is that how that ends? That's probably not how it's going to end. Yeah, zero percent chance, dude, that it won't happen that way. It only ends in ashes, in a disaster. And let's say she calls her husband and breaks it off, and y'all

get together. For the rest of your relationship, every time she takes a call, you're going to be wondering if there's another another guy. Every time she gets an email and closes her laptop as you walk in the room, you're going to wonder, I wonder if there's another another guy there's no way this ends right and by the way

you don't love her she is a safe person to get into a relationship with because she's anchored in and you can just trapeze off the side of this thing with all the fun and excitement and joy and you have no responsibility at all. None.

Well, I mean, I'm trying to do the responsible thing, which is, I mean, even if it is my kid, I mean, I want to raise her. I want to be with her. And, I mean, it's just hard to make the decision of stepping out. Joshua, the responsible thing is to walk away. If this happens to be your kid, which you told me earlier it wasn't, if this happens to be your kid, then yes, this whole thing got real, real, real messy. Right? And you may have a single woman

to start dating because if her husband's a person of character, he's probably going to high-five her and be gone. Yeah. Because she's having a baby by somebody else. And God, no. Are you friends with her husband?

No, not friends. I've met him a few times. There's no reason to call him. I just feel like I've done so much damage, you know, after. Walk away. Walk away. You're like a surgeon who is taking somebody's organ out, and they realize they cut the wrong organ.

And they realize, oh, gosh, I've caused a lot of damage. I think the best thing to do here is to keep cutting out other organs. And just keep cutting and keep cutting and keep cutting. At some point, the smart thing for that doctor to do is to stop. Put the scalpel down.

Yeah. And you know this. Why did it take a phone call to a stranger? You know this, man. Because take a phone call to a stranger? You know this, man. Because it's hard to hear. It's hard to walk. I've struggled with finding somebody that matches me.

I'm tired of being alone. You're still completely alone, man. That's the farce of this. You're totally and completely alone. You are somebody else's chew toy on the weekend. You are somebody else's excitement. You're a video game for somebody else. But they have their stable, locked-in thing.

You're completely alone, Joshua. And that's what breaks my heart for her. It breaks my heart for you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You're not on a team right now. No. No, you're right.

You're right. And you're worth more than that. She's worth more than that. Her husband's worth more than that. This baby coming into the world's worth more than that. So true. You know what I mean? Am I crazy? No, no, you're not crazy. You're not crazy.

Bro, you're totally alone right now. It's hard to accept. Trust me. I know it sucks. It's awful. It's hard. But I'm not going to lie to you. Do you have friends that know this is going on? Do you have some guy buddies that you sat down and talked to about this?

Well, I have got buddies, but the problem is I haven't told them about it because I'm ashamed. My shame has kept them in the dark and kept me from saying the truth. Will they hold you accountable? They would. Yeah.

So, here's the thing, man. You can do what you want. I'm going to tell you right now, I've been around the block long enough to know, this thing ends disaster. Whatever fantasy you've come up with in your head is not real. Okay?

So, if I'm you, I would probably talk to, call my buddies over tonight and say, we got to have a talk just so I'd have somebody with me when I go ahead and make that other phone call

because you're not going to see her again. You can make that phone call and say, I'm out. I'm done. If this baby, when it's born, is mine, then i will

step back in but until then i'm gonna do the thing of uh the right thing i haven't been a virtuous person i've been a person without character i've been sleeping with a married woman i've been violating somebody else's marriage and i'm out walk Walk away. That's it, man. Or, dude, rock on. No, no, you're right. You're right. I just need to,

I just need to hear from somebody that I respected of a man of character. So it's just, it's hard for me to confess it to somebody I know. I got that.

I got that. Hey, that's, that's the first step here and that's what I'm going to tell you. You need to do it with your guy buddies so they'll be there with you.

And if your guy buddies are like my guy buddies, it's probably going to get physical. Yeah, they're going to wrangle me. They should. That's what men of character do for one another. That's what men and women of character do for one another, man. Yes, you called and you asked. The right thing is this is over before the day's over. And you got some guys in your life that are walking alongside you.

And I get that you're tired of being alone. There's a right way and a wrong way to do that. That's like saying I'm tired of being broke. I can go rob a store or I can start taking community college classes and get three jobs. One of those are going to result in money at the end of the day. One of those is noble. One of them is not. I don't know how to come back in from these. Do we go, woo?

Like, I don't know. What do you say? Like, that was it. Wow. What do you think, James? Hold on. What do you think? Dating a married woman and I feel guilty.

Half of y'all cheered and Corey was like, boo. Yeah, I mean, Kelly's right. Especially earlier on in our shows, there would be some calls where it was kind of like, you're kind of circling the plane. You're trying to be a little bit too nice to the person. And it was kind of like take a cue from dave and he has nine minutes to answer this call and he sometimes gets right to the core yeah and this was one where we're back here like cheering for you because you didn't you didn't sugarcoat it for this guy you're just like hey man

you're worried about being alone you are alone yeah and i find that getting out of a fantasy, out of a myth, is it's hard to gently walk out of a fantasy. Sometimes you got to just shake that cage and just say, hey, this is not what you think this is. I don't know. Did the guy ever write back in? I asked him to call back in. I know people call in a lot.

Yeah. No, I never got anything back from him. He's one I wanna follow up with someday and see if he actually broke this thing off or he's still living in La La Land. My favorite thing that you said, the one that really struck me was when you said, how do you think this is gonna go? Do you think that y'all are gonna go to dinner

with her and her husband and he's gonna be like, eh, it was a fun run, but obviously you two are better together. Y'all should just run off. That was just so kind of a 180 and to be like, it was a fun run, but obviously you two are better together. Y'all should just run off. That was just so kind of a 180. And it was like, yeah, how do you think this is going to end? But that was my favorite part of the whole call because I think that's when he was like, oh, crud. Well, and I know it happens, but that's always the, you know, somebody is thinking about leaving their spouse for somebody else and like

how does that conversation actually go like you think you know what i've been married for a few years we're wrong she's way better and everybody high-fives each other and like you're right let's hug it out and go ahead and take the couch too because it's good and uh i'll see the dog on the weekend like just getting to how is this actually going to roll out right i loved your surgeon analogy where you're like you know if a surgeones up, he doesn't keep cutting and just hopes that it works out. He's like, you got to stop. You stop. Yeah, yeah.

Even it's the non-malfeasance, right? The I don't know what we're doing now intervention-wise, but let's stop doing this, right? That's become a slogan for me in my personal life, which is do something different. If you're living in a way, like I just can't, just do something different. I don't care what it is because that's not working, right? If you're yelling at your kids, if you are ignoring your spouse, whatever, if that's not working, just do something, just try. Remember opposite George on Seinfeld, and it just worked out great when he just started. I'm going to do everything opposite of my

instincts, and it went well for a while. I feel like that sometimes. You just got to do something different. I'm looking at the political landscape and we just think, you know what? We've been yelling at each other for about 18 months now. What we probably should do is just keep yelling and just like, that's not working. So what if we all said, I don't know, what if we hugged? Let's just try hugging. It can't be worse. Maybe it could be worse, but I don't think it could be worse than it is now. Or, you know who else is stupid? What if we just quit doing that? Because it's not working.

Anyway, I don't know. The other interesting thing is that he was basically calling to, he hadn't told any of his friends, he was calling to sort of confess it to someone. This is my confession. That he didn't know personally, but that he respected and thought had character. I started looking through the YouTube comments on all these,

which was a huge mistake. You never do that. But one of them was like, this is basically like the Protestants' version of confession, like calling it to a show. But there is something to that. Like he had to get it off his chest. Yeah.

Yeah, we should follow up. I hope that he did end it and walk away. He didn't, but. All right, so what's next, man? All right, next is a doozy. My girlfriend has gained weight. What should I do? Why'd you pick that one, James?

Because this was one that pretty quickly turned around. Whenever we get these in, Kelly lines them up ahead of time, but we only have, like, a little premise to go off of. And so I remember when this one came in, it quickly circulated around the team, Then Kelly lines them up ahead of time. But we only have like a little premise to go off of. And so I remember when this one came in, it quickly circulated around the team. And we had a little bit of an audience in the control room to see how it was going to go. And it kind of turned out a little bit differently than we thought. So we'll watch it and then talk about it.

Cool. Right here, my girlfriend has gained weight. What should I do? So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year. And in the beginning of our relationship, we gained some happy weight. What is happy weight? Just going out to eat and cooking at home and just experiencing life during COVID and stuff like that. Eating probably more than we should.

Okay. And not working out. Okay. Steven, I'm just going to tell you right now, I feel like you are setting me up. Oh, man. I have a feeling I know where this is going, man, and you're already giving me hives, but go ahead.

And so we've been working out for the past few months, and with how serious we're getting in the stuff I have planned in the near future, the issue of our weight keeps coming up in our conversations. And it's really kind of pushing back the plans that we have because it's creating a strain. And I'm trying to figure out if you could help me out, figure out a way to approach it in a better way so we can grow our relationship and get over this hurdle. Oh, Steven, you are being very diplomatic in your use of pronouns, my man. You are saying our and we. I need you just to cut to the chase, man.

And I'm flinching for what I think you're about to tell me. But go for it so i've gained about 25 pounds and i ended up losing 10 pounds from where i started at so i started at 220 and i'm down about 210 205 after going up to 240 yes sir okay and she has gained about 40 pounds and is uh continually um doing her best out. But unfortunately, it's not really helping out. Stephen, are you calling me to ask how you can tell your girlfriend that she's gained weight? No, we've had conversations and to the point to where she wasn't able to afford a gym membership and she begged me to get one and I got her the one that she wanted. And for the past five months, she's gone nine times.

And now it's $135 a month. And we even changed lifestyles. I started grilling out, took all the junk food out. I stopped drinking alcohol because she said that's one thing she wanted to do. So I was like, you know, if I want to make this happen and we want to make this happen, she wants to make this happen. I have to set an example of what, you know, needs to change. And unfortunately, we're having a hard time understanding each other in this moment of what we need to do to move forward and begin to get to the process of where we want to be with our physical appearance. Oh, man.

Steven, there's so much here. And you know that we live in a cancel culture, right? If I say the one wrong thing here, I'm done forever. You realize that, right? I know, and I don't want that to happen. You have just put a ball on a tee for me, and I'm also trying to be nice to you because I kind of want to set you on fire right now.

But that would be rude, and I'd go to jail. Okay, so here's the thing. I want to just kind of cut through all of it. Okay. You've got to let the fantasy go. You are dating somebody who does not share the same values as you. You are dating somebody who is speaking the words that you want to hear, but is making decisions for any number of reasons to live how she wants to live,

which is different than a value you share. And for some reason you don't want to see this, that she's not a math problem. And suddenly you're becoming her dad by fixing her diet. And even the way you just said a month tells me you got some rage underneath there, brother. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of, I have a personal experience with this because in late high school or the college, I actually got up to 280 pounds. I know, but here's the thing.

Here's the thing. For you, it was a discipline decision and a moral decision and a character issue. And you're assigning your character and you're assigning your discipline to somebody else who is not seeing it that way. And no amount of male assignment to a young woman is going to, she's not going to go, oh, that's the thing. That's what I, ah, that's it. Thanks, man. I gained 40 or 50 pounds because I just didn't know about X.

And you changed all of my food and you bought me a real expensive thing and you got angry and you sent me great discipline and Pinterest quotes and you told me about your journey of weight loss. You lost 70 pounds, which is really impressive, by the way. Thank you.

That's what I was missing. Thanks, man. Dude, that's not going to happen. So how do I change my view set on this to, I guess, Steven, you leave. To stop hindering. Steven, you're getting all of the signals you need. Okay.

That's tough. It's real tough. Because just a few weeks ago, I talked to her parents about some stuff. Yeah, of course. And I might have made an investment. Yeah, you're in it, brother. Oh, it's tough. It is.

Do you want to leave her? No, she's honest. Her character is above reproach. Everything you want. Okay, Steven. Okay, Steven. Will you love her 50 pounds heavier than you have her in a picture in your mind yes will you try to be a person who co-creates a future

with her and who supports her and loves her and doesn't try to father her yes Yes. Then she's the one for you. And I guess I need to get over that superficial mindset. Hey, hold on. It's not about that. It's not about that because it's not bad to say, hey, who you were when we dated was 50 pounds less. If I showed up 50 pounds more to my wife right now, that would be a thing. And anyone who says different than that is not telling the truth. But at 10 pounds, at 20 pounds, my wife would come and sit down and say,

hey, you're not whole right now. Are you doing okay? Not, hey, we should have more fish and chicken, right? Yeah. And she would know me well enough to know that when I said something like, I just need to get some more kettlebells, she would say, no, man. John, you go to the gummy candies when you're not doing well, when you're stressed, when you're anxious, right?

John, you drink more than normal when fill in the blank. Yeah. And if I was dating somebody Who was crushing it And trying to give me dietary tips And trying to Ask me why I wasn't using The expensive gym membership they bought me I'd drink more too dude

So I've just been I've been approaching it Completely wrong Is that kind of where you're getting at? I'm getting at this. Start treating her like she is a person to be with and a person to love and not a puzzle to solve. She is not a malfunctioning Chevy engine that just needs to get the, you know,

new headers or, you headers or new spark plugs. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I understand. She's dealing with something in her heart. Or she's not. Or she's not. She may think she's beautiful and that things are great.

And she gets to do that. Yes, she does. She is beautiful. It sounds like she's told you she doesn't like the trajectory of where she's headed, that she doesn't like feeling unhealthy, that she doesn't like the decisions she's making, which tells me she's got underlying things. And again, don't hear this, everybody listening, and say, because she put on weight, you're such a jerk. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if somebody is saying whatever the behavior is, I'm out of control and I can't stop. I've had several of these declarations in my adult life about my addiction to sugar.

I've got a problem, dude, like a bad problem. And there's been several times that I've reached out to friends or to my wife and said, I can't stop. I have to not have sugar in the house for about a month, and I got to give away my debit card. And my wife says, cool, I got you. And her and my kids will go to Sonic without me. They'll sneak and go while I'm at work. But that's not about food. That's about something totally different.

But I've also had seasons where I'm like, brother, it is dissertation time. I'm writing a book time. I'm just going to eat. I'm going to enjoy my life. I know I'm going to pay for it later, but I'm like, brother, it is dissertation time. I'm writing a book time. I'm just going to eat. I'm going to enjoy my life. I know I'm going to pay for it later, but I'm going to have fun with it. Right? And those are two totally different mindsets. And so if she's not loving the way she looks and she is heartbroken, I want you to ask her where the heartbreak comes from.

I want you to hold her hands and say, I'm not going to give you any more advice. I'm just going to give you a safe place to share. Or if she says, I'm really struggling with drinking too much. Then, man, that's not a weight issue, brother. There's something else going on. Yeah. She may be really nervous because she knows you're about to ask her to marry her. Yeah.

She may be really nervous because she's not totally sure about your relationship. Or she may just be really nervous because 2020 sucks. Yeah, it sure does. And she's in the middle of a pandemic and, and work and whatever and whatever and a partridge in a pear tree. All that to say is this.

I can hear in your heart that you love this girl and I can hear in your voice that you are doing the best things that you love this girl and I can hear in your voice that you are doing the best things that you know how. And so on behalf of every guy across the country, I want to honor you trying to love her the best you can. I also want to tell you that it's not working. Yeah. And so I'm going to ask you on behalf of every guy in America, stop. Okay. Okay? From this point forward, I want you to ask permission to give advice. When she tells you something, I want you to say, are you asking for my input here, or you just want me to hear you? Okay.

And she may fall over dead. She may absolutely pass out from that new Steven, right? Yeah, for sure. And I don't want you to beat yourself up over shallowness and superficiality, right? 50-pound weight gain in a year says something's going on. Yes, sir. Okay, something's going on, right? Whether it's physiological, it's biological, it's psychological, something's going on there, right?

Mm-hmm. And that's not something that fish and chicken is going to solve okay well I appreciate all the input you've given me well I appreciate you being a guy that's

I'll tell you this when you were first rattling this stuff off I thought you were setting me up and you were going to get me fired and I was just going to

say mean things to you after hearing you I actually I really believe that your heart's in the right place and you're really trying to do the best you can. And this is just a hard season for everybody. I would strongly recommend that you and your wife go see a premarital counselor. If that's

the road you're taking and you don't have to get engaged to do that, you could say, I see us spending some time together in the future. I want to learn ways that I can support and love you better. And I'm a knucklehead. I love my gym time. I love finding new discipline quotes from Jocko. I love finding new keto diet recipes. Beefcake 2000, right? But she doesn't. And you want to learn new ways to communicate with her and support her and love her better. To give her a safe place. A peaceful place. And if at the end of the day, she chooses, man, I just have no interest in the physical health stuff that you're interested in. I like to eat.

I like my body. I think I'm beautiful. Then you have a choice to eat. I like my body. I think I'm beautiful. Then you have a choice to make. But I want you to start with listening, start with loving, start with leaning into the relationship part, not to the fish and chicken fix. Here's a new program. And by the way, dude, when you invest money in somebody you love and it doesn't work out, don't hold them hostage with it. She wanted to go to a really nice gym. She thought that's what it was going to be. And then you did a cool thing, a noble thing.

You sprung for an expensive gym. And then she probably walked in there and saw all those super fit people and all their super fancy million-dollar workout clothes. And she said, nope, I'm not going. And I know too many women who've had that exact experience. I know dudes who've had that experience. So it is what it is. It's a sunk cost.

You learned. Don't beat yourself up. Don't beat her up over it. It's expensive. Yeah. Chalk it up, man. If she's the girl for you over the next 50 or 60 years, you'll have plenty of those moments.

And she's going to buy you something fancy, and she's going to miss the mark on that too. It's just part of it, right? Hold on. Studio. She gained weight. What do we do? We need like a live roaming mic for them to give commentary.

Absolutely we do not. We don't. That'd be a dreadful idea. I love the term happy weight. They gain happy weight. Yeah, I mean, like I said, we were all like, oh, man, Deloney's going to smash this guy. Oh, I was ready to go to war, dude.

Yeah, it was like a Rocky. It was like a montage scene before this. And you saw it coming. And when you said, I kind of want to light you on fire right now, that was my favorite one. Okay, I need to stop there right there. So I listened to a couple of these last night. And so I'm a year removed from a lot of these.

I haven't listened to these stuff. I don't ever, ever go back and watch these things again. Dude, I've got to apologize to the listener. And I'm being serious about this. I have so many references to, I would hit that dude in the mouth. I would light this on fire. I'm probably the least violent guy I know. And those are, I checked out some least violent guy I know. And that those are, I went, I checked out some of

the YouTube comments again, cause I was, you know, I was like, yeah, I haven't been sad in a long time. I'm just going to, uh, jump swan dive into the sadness pool. But a lot of them were right. And, uh, I remember somebody made a really crass disparaging remark about somebody with special needs. And I told a wife to hit her husband. Like, A, that's me trying to, like, shock value. And it's not good. Like, I wouldn't hit anybody. That's such a stupid, useless way. I trained MMA for you.

Like, I know I like fighting. And it never solves anything. So I just don't. I've banished it from my life, and I've got to stop making those type of analogies here because I don't want someone to hear that and be like, well, you know what? I should. Because it's stupid. I think people take it as hyperbole, and it shows that you're fired up, but I get what you're saying.

When I went back and listened to it, it sounded like I was being a bravado idiot. You know what I mean? I don't know. I'm going to quit doing that. I'll put that in the money jar for Kelly. Yeah, I'll count on that. Yeah, just start. Yeah, go ahead and get your Amazon account set up.

We'll get you paid. You're going to pay for my son's college before this is all said and done. That's right. That's right. We're going to get a time zone jar and a swear jar and a listen jar and a violence jar. It's going to be great. Excellent. So, okay.

So, yeah, I wanted to hate this dude. And then halfway through, I realized, oh, no, he's a really good human being. He's trying to love her the best he can. He doesn't have the tools in his toolkit. And then as we started talking about him, he was all about. Because he even said, oh, no, I've been doing this all wrong. And he thought just encouraging her to get on her exercise bike or eat fish and chicken or when she's crying, be like, well, why don't you just get a good workout? Right, whatever.

And to hear, to tell him, dude, what are you doing? And him to go, oh, no, you could hear it on him that he was such a lovely human who's just doing it sideways. Yeah. I will say when I had to call this guy and schedule this call, it was one of those, you know, I don't hug, I don't hold my tongue. Well, we all know. And boy, I know, but when I had to call this guy and schedule it and I was just like, what would you like to be on? Because I was thinking, I hate this person. He's shaming this woman. So I probably, I apologize to him if he's out there. Wasn't as friendly as I should have been because I had the same thing. I was like, we're going to get this jerk on the radio and then just bash him. And then by the time it was over, I was like, oh, well, there's a lesson learned for me. But also because he really was doing it from such a good place. He wanted her

to be healthy. He knew she was unhappy. And that's such, I mean, that's like the whole, you know, do I look, honey, do I look fat? You know, never answer that question. Take a dive, dude. Don't answer that. Yeah. Yeah. And, but he just wanted what was best for her.

And he was, he was going about it the wrong way. And, you know, but how was he to know? So this comes back to, I think, one of the most important lessons I've learned over the past year is what looks like something on the front is almost never what it looks like. And it's always worth sitting down and asking somebody, tell me some more about that, instead of just swinging at them. And man, we've gotten good with our little cellular devices and our Instagrams and whatever's of just beating each other up on face value without asking some deeper questions. And this guy's a perfect example. Like he was watching somebody he loved in pain and

frustrated and he wasn't as attracted to his. I mean, all that stuff was true and I think he's allowed to say that out loud. And I don't think so. I know he is. It's how you do it and with the heart behind it and the intention and, and, and,

and, but yeah, it was another both end thing where it's like, you're allowed, like you made the point. If I came home 50 pounds heavier, it would be a thing like that. It seems like kind of in today's world,

you're not allowed. Like you can't say that out loud, but it's like, no, you need to go about it the right way and have the right motive. And she needs, you know, she needs help. And clearly there's something else going on. So that's cool.

Why don't we talk about weight? Especially when we have to. If you look at the obesity trends, if you look at the metabolic disease stuff, it's unfathomable, the numbers. Why can't we talk about weight? Especially right now, it's such a taboo thing. Why? It's supposed to be acceptance, but there's a difference between acceptance and I hate to say like endorsement of, you know, yes, you still love people regardless, but there's a health issue as well. But yeah, it's such a taboo topic that you're not supposed

to comment on or even like notice. Yeah. Well, and just the attraction, the health, the how you sleep, the how you feel, all those things have just become so third rail that everyone's supposed to just shut up and ignore each other. And I don't know. I think, yeah, it comes back to a heart issue and sitting down and saying, are you okay? Are you all right?

And being honest all the way around 360. I don't know. What do y'all think? You can't even answer. Don't answer, guys. Don't. I love it. Y'all make me so happy.

All right, what's next? Which one's next? So the next one was also one of our most popular ones. But it was, to me, it's kind of the other end of this. Yes, yes. So the title of this one is Boyfriend Thinks I'm Lazy and Out of Shape. This is episode 107 from back in May.

And this one... I got pretty fired up on this one. Yeah, this is one where there was not a... There wasn't so much a... Actually, he has a point. It's like this guy is just a straight-up jerk. And it got even... It started off kind of like, man, can you believe this?

And then it got just really sad. Yeah. So we'll watch this one and then comment. All right. Boyfriend thinks I'm lazy and out of shape from episode 107 from May 7th, 2020. Here it is. So my boyfriend and I have been together for six years and we have two babies together. We have a seven month old and

a two-year-old so you're in it now huh yeah i'm in it do you even know what day it is i i actually don't i know it's somewhere in april oh i love that okay um all right so you have a two-year-old and a seven-month-old. You don't know what day it is. And I can only guess where this is going. You've been dating this guy for six years. Yeah. And then what?

Yeah. Well, so he kind of, so we live together. You know, we play house house as Dave calls it. Okay. And he has a hard time with me. I guess I should say I have a hard time keeping up with his kind of expectations. So he wants me to exercise more and to get my body back to the way it was. But I feel so overwhelmed. me to exercise more and to get my body back to the way it was. But

I feel so overwhelmed. Hey, just a quick thing. Does he know that you have a seven-month-old? And a two-year-old? I think he might pick that up by now. Okay.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Walk me through how that actual conversation takes place. Okay, so I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Walk me through how that actual conversation takes place. So he sees you breastfeeding a kid, and there's a two-year-old just screaming, and you have dinner cooking, and he looks at you and goes, yeah, this body is not cutting it. You're going to have to fix it. How does that even happen?

He'll get home from work work and he'll be like, so did you do your exercise bike today? Oh, gosh, what? I say, no, I did not do my exercise bike today. Now, Dr. John, I'm dealing with a guy who has the mindset of Jocko. I know, but listen, I do too. I love Jocko. I'm going to do a speaking engagement with him in a few weeks.

I love him. And you know what I never, ever did? Looked at my wife holding a seven-month-old and be like, so how'd your workout go today, babe? Never. You know why? Because I have a soul. And I actually care about human beings, right?

Like, I don't care. Jocko wouldn't do that to his own wife. And he's got multiple. He's got care about human beings, right? Like I don't care. Jocko wouldn't do that to his own wife and he's got multiple, he's got four or five kids, right? God almighty. So I always want to try to find the soul in somebody, what they're trying to be helpful is. And my body's not even that bad. I've lost 70 pounds. No, listen.

Nikki, this has nothing to do with your body. That's why I'm trying to get to a place where I can empathize with this guy before I just hang up on you and I call him directly. That's not even our main problem, though. Oh, sweet. We'll continue, Nikki. Go ahead. So he thinks I don't keep the house clean enough. Oh, gosh. Nikki, go ahead. So he thinks I don't keep the house clean enough. Oh, gosh.

Nikki, listen. And to the point he wants to kick me out. Hey, listen, go. Bye. Take both of those kids and go. I know. I can't do that, though. Hey, listen.

Go. Go. that though hey listen go this guy's not worthy of another second of your love and your time and your affection and i try i try but it's just so much in a day he says i spend too much time on social media and i i get that but i just i don't have the motivation right now to do anything. Yeah. Nope. Have you left before? Yeah.

I just came back like a week ago or, yeah, about a week ago. I left with my dad. So you moved out? Okay, so how was that time away? It was very good. It's hard, you know, living somewhere else. Yeah. Why'd you come back?

Two little monsters. Well, I just, I want, I miss him, and I want my kids to be around their dad. I don't want my kids around a guy like that. I don't want my kids around a guy like that. I don't want my friend Nikki around a guy like that. I don't want my kids around a guy like that. I don't want my friend Nikki around a guy like that. Now, here's the thing. He may understand that exercise, especially for folks with postpartum, is really good for you. He may understand that scrolling social media is not good for you. Right. And he's right on both of those things. But he also needs to know that beating up on a struggling mom of two

tiny little babies, clear there's other things going on in your relationship. Clearly. And if he is somebody who has chosen not to commit to you after six years and two kids together, and now he's putting ultimatums on you because he wants his old life back, and it's your job to get that old life back for him, then he's not somebody that's going to be there long-term for you. Okay. Do you hear what I'm saying?

Yeah, I am. And you know, I'm right, aren't I? You are right. And I know my mind is like, you know, if he's not willing to marry me, you know, and not be like, well, maybe if you, because he says this is like, this is the job interview. And if I want three, wait, six years and two kids and you're interviewing. Yeah, I know. Nikki, you know who wouldn't put up with that crap?

Jocko. And I won't either. You're worth more than that. Are you struggling right now yes is exercise always I tell him it's just a season we're in the thick of this we're in the thick of this right now and he just it's like it's in one ear out the other doesn't care and just it's like the only thing he sees is the house and the house is a little messy we've got dishes and we've got dirty laundry and there's toys everywhere and that's all he sees I swear that's all he sees is the house and the house is a little messy we've got dishes and we've got dirty laundry and there's toys everywhere and that's all he sees i swear that's all he sees and so one of jaco's core tenants is when you see a challenge fix it yeah and what every husband

who's got a wife with a two-year-old and a seven-month-old in the house should do is step up and help with the dishes for crying out loud and the vacuuming and the laundry. And I don't care how many jobs you're working. I don't care how busy you are. I don't care how tired you are. As you mentioned, you're in a season. When it's winter, everybody puts on a jacket. Everybody has to de-ice the driveway. Everybody has to do different things in winter because it's winter. And when you have a two-year-old and a seven-month-old, everything feels a little bit heavy. Is that right?

Oh, yeah. Okay. And now listen. I will tell you in a more gentle way. You will never go wrong putting those kids in a double stroller and going for a long walk ever. You will never go wrong by being on your phone less. Right? Yeah.

And you know that. Right. Oh, yeah. You will never go wrong by making a list of the things that you need to do in a day and really leaning into them to use Jocko language to crush those things on that list, however big or small they are. And sometimes they're as small. For a mom with a seven-month-old and a two-year-old, sometimes it's as small as I'm going to make the bed, I'm going to take a shower, and I'm going to fill in the blank.

I'm going to do one thing around here, right? And you're going to sit down with him and you're all going to plan that out. And I would recommend doing it to the day. But if he said the words to you, this is a job interview, I want you to walk out of the job interview. Because you don't want to work there. You know what I mean? You don't want to work there. And that is scary and that is terrifying and that is frustrating.

That guy does not deserve you. Okay. You don't deserve to be interviewing after six years in kid. I know. I, I, I, I completely agree. Okay. So what's stopping you? What's stopping you?

I don't want a broken family. It is broken. It is. You running around with duct tape doesn't make your tile floor not cracked. Yeah. And what's happening

is these two little kids are figuring out, wow, this is how parents act. This is these two little kids are figuring out, wow, this is how parents act. This is how two people who play house and love each other act. This is how they treat each other. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I get it. I get it. This is how a grown man treats the wife of his two little babies.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I'm afraid of. treats the wife of his two little babies. Yeah. Yeah, and that's what I'm afraid of. Don't be afraid of it. Because when you say I'm afraid of it, that's like saying a bear might come. This has come. It is at your door.

It is in your home. Okay. Oh, gosh. I know. I know. So when you were off at your dad's house, was he calling you saying, hey, come home, come home, I'm sorry? Well, let's make note that there was not any I'm sorry thrown into this at all. Okay. thrown into this at all okay um he said he wanted to but he didn't want to seem desperate i'm like what we're not date like we're not like at the beginning of our relationship

you don't have to play it cool i i can't date a robot anymore i need to know like feelings i need to hear these these feelings i don't want to be desperate i know i don't want to seem desperate and i was like what do you mean desperate like if your wife and your two babies leave your house that is the definition of desperate and what it was so funny i got it oh god it was so funny he called me because he was like hey the lights are out how do you pay the electric bill your lights got cut off

no we didn't I didn't pay it in time and so he was like hey could you pay this for me I mean using his card and stuff and he pays for it but he didn't know how to

so I'm like I think that's a little desperate honey okay so here's the Nikki. Here's what I want you to do in all seriousness. And I know that you are laughing to keep this overwhelming tide of grief to come over you. Is that fair? Yeah, definitely. Okay. So I want you to today call a local counselor in your area and set up an appointment for just you. Okay. Okay. Spend whatever you got to spend for childcare. Call whoever you got to call.

If you got to drop them off at your dad's house, drop them off at your dad's house. But I want you to go see somebody and I want you to lay out. Here's what's happening. And if you want to try and save this real I was gonna say save your marriage but it's not even one you have a daughter two sons okay so one of your sons comes home in 22 years 23 years 24 years and says hey mom you know, I've been dating for six years. We're having a second kid.

And I told her this is going to be a great tryout for her. To see if she's going to be the one we're sticking around. What would your response to that boy be? I'd be so mad at him. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Yep. Okay. that's right yeah yep okay

and I want you to treat yourself with that same level of care I want you to treat those babies with that same level of care my deepest wish is that your husband goes what am I doing or your boyfriend

does goes what am I doing and he snaps out of it okay and maybe he's misreading Jocko and misreading the understanding of what that guy talks about but the root of what he talks about is ownership responsibility accomplishing a mission right right? Not berating a exhausted, frustrated, postpartum mother of their two babies. Okay, and to every guy out there listening to this,

stop, stop. You want your wife to get off social media? Give her a place worthy of being off social media for. You want a wife who's not so exhausted all the time? Pick up the crap around the house. Sit down and have that conversation with her and say, how can I honor you today? And I know you're off making the money.

I know you're off doing your work, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Cool. You know what you're not doing? Dragging around two little kids. My wife's been out of town for a few days, and I've had the kids at my house. Coming into work is a blessing and a gift and a safe, safe, quiet place.

And it's been like three days. Not day after day after day after year after year. Nikki, I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm not telling you anything new, right? Right, yeah.

Is your dad in your corner? Is your mom in your corner? Definitely. Okay. So I want you to lean on them, but today I want you to go make an appointment with a counselor and start getting the help and care that you need and either come up with a a if

then, if not now, then conversation with your boyfriend, a practice conversation or an exit strategy sooner rather than later. You are not on a job interview. You are not trying out for this guy's love. You're better than that.

You got more than that. Husbands, create a home for your wives so they don't want to be on social media. They want to be with you. Create an environment where they've got space to go exercise and move their bodies

and to walk because there's not 40 other things that you've given them to do or they feel obligated to do in this space so they don't even have time to take care of themselves. Create a world

where your partner's got space. Man, I hate that for you, Nikki. I'm heartbroken for you. Jeez Louise, I don't even know how to end this show, man. No, you know what? You're going to end this with strength. Just like I told the caller earlier, you've got the pen now.

There's a period at the end of that sentence when he said, I don't want to appear desperate. Cool. You are desperate. You're at the end of your rope. And now you've got a pen. You get to write what happens next. And I want you to write, I matter. My kids matter. I'm worthy of being loved. I'm worthy of being in a situation where I'm not trying out, where I am fully known and fully loved. And I'm going to start taking the next step to get there. It's a teeny tiny, frustrating, collapsing step, but I'm going to get there. I'm going to take the next one.

I'm going to lean on my dad. I'm going to lean on my mom. I'm going to lean on my counselor. I'm going to lean on my friends and my community. Because this guy said he won't be there. Not until I pass the tryout which is I guess is six years and two kids later

but you're going to be a fierce bad man with a jam of Nikki and we're all rooting for you let me know how that conversation goes let me know how connecting with that counselor goes gentlemen be better I'm saying this to myself I got to be better too but we got to be better

we got to be better. We got to be better than that. And if we got friends in our lives that talk that crap to their wives, to their girlfriends, we got to be willing to step up and say no, absolutely not. Absolutely not.

It's not funny. It's not a joke. It's not, hey, bro. Nope. Be better than that. We got to hold ourselves accountable, gentlemen,

starting yesterday. What do you think, Kelly? Winner winner chicken dinner, huh? I have thoughts on this one. What are your thoughts, Kelly? I mean, I just was flabbergasted. What does that word even mean? Just kidding.

Astounded. That was a big word you used. That here she was with a seven month old and a two year old. And then he wants to know, she got on the exercise bike today. And my thought was, dude, you do it. You do her job and then work out and then make sure the house is clean.

I just don't think he had any clue how exhausting what she was doing was. And that's assuming there's no postpartum issues. That she didn't have a C-section, that everything went great, she feels fine. All of that aside, I just wanted to just tell him to shut up and tell her to run.

And then you even get to the whole, this is a tryout thing. Yeah. Very, very rarely do I ever hear on this show, you say, you gotta go. Yeah. Because at all costs, we want families to stay together. But this guy would have to do so much work.

And if he was willing to do it, great. But I have my doubts. So there was a part of me that, again, wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, which was he knows exercise important. And he knows that, yeah, I mean, him the benefit of the doubt, which was he knows exercise is important, and he knows that, yeah, I mean, we've all had friends in our lives who are just scrolling mindlessly. You want to tell them, hey, you're on the phone too much, right? To me, the one that pushed me over the edge said, oh, this is not that.

This isn't a guy who's trying his best and just doesn't have the right words. It was from a level of superiority. Look at how I'm doing it, and you need to do it differently. And then just imagine you're holding a five-month-old in one arm, and you got an 18-month-old in the other arm, and he sits you down and looks at you in the eyes, says, honey, I got an announcement for you. And she's like, what is that?

I'm just picturing her all tired, like, hair is there. Like, what? What's the announcement? You are officially in the running now to be my wife. And having her be like, oh, hooray, hooray. I'm so excited. What do I need to do? And then being like, two big ones ones clean my house and get that body back

and then we're gonna talk about i just can't wrap my head around that it kept getting worse and worse because first it was body back and then it was like keep the house clean and then it was your trying out and then when she finally left him he said well i want you back but i don't want to seem desperate yeah i can't say i'm sorry for being like I don't want to seem desperate. Yeah, I can't say I'm sorry for being, like, I don't want to seem like I'm. Yeah, and then he's like, hey, while I have you on the phone, how do I pay the electricity bill? Okay, so the big question is, how do you get so far down the road? Because that question when I asked her, how would you treat,

what would you say to your son if he came and told you this? And she just started crying. How do you not be able to see in the mirror? I have an answer to that. I'm just asking you guys, what do you think? Well, I answer, you know, of course, from a female perspective of we're taught to try harder, do more. And so she probably thought, okay, as long as I do this thing or do this thing or wear this or, and that gets, and then you just get in that wheel of it. And then on top of that, I mean, I say mommy brain, but parent brain, she's probably not sleeping.

And you're just trying to, she's in survival mode, not, and unable to step outside at that point and go, this guy sucks. I need to get out of this. You're just trying to make it work. You're trying to get through the day with everybody alive. The house is not burned down. Everybody got fed and hallelujah, that's a good day. And then trying to keep a family together as well

because you don't wanna be the one that says, that broke up the family. Yeah. And when someone's telling you, if you don't do this, it's gonna be because of you, the temptation is to try to solve that. So I read a book a few weekends ago. It's called Chatter.

I think the author is Kropp, K-R-O-P-P. We'll have to check on that. But there was some really fascinating research that was neat in this. And it's changed even in the last couple of weeks how I approach some of these problems. Said that there is, and I hate to use technology analogies, y'all know that, but said the wiring system when you are, say I, when I'm in it, that is the one that triggers fight or flight.

That's the one that says I, me, am not safe or I, me, am okay. There's a reason why when we're struggling with our marriages or with our friends or what do you do with my kids? We're like, I don't know. It feels like we're having to make all these decisions. And then somebody that you work with comes up to you and says, hey, what do I do about this? And you go, oh, do these three things. That your brain's got a different circuitry for handling over their issues or them issues. And so hearing her stumble through, I don't know what to do with my situation, but be able to answer her son's right away was boom. So clear. Two different circuits, man. She could see his so clearly. And so there's something about distancing yourself from your current situation and just asking. Some of the

stuff he asks or he, the author suggests is to, when you write your journal, write to yourself. Don't write like, I'm really struggling with this. Write, James is really having some concerns answering these questions. Or Kelly, write to yourself in the third person, and it allows some space between the issues that you're working through. And the solutions are so much clearer, and they come so much quicker when you're right in the middle of it. So if she is to write herself a letter saying, Dear so-and-so you have two kids

by this guy and now you're auditioning you would i mean you just laugh out loud like oh well then i'm out of here right you would just do that right away but when you're in it man it just feels like you're in it because you're every hormone and blood saving not blood saving chemical but adrenaline of course all that so you know stuff. Just to say and survive, survive, survive. And suddenly you find yourself weighted out way past where you should be swimming. Yeah. And when you pointed out, you know, she didn't want to have a broken family, you're like, look at this situation.

It's broken. This is broken as it gets. Yeah. And you can just hear her exhale like, oh, man, we're in it. You can follow up with her too. Yeah, I'd love to follow up with her. I think we're going to plan that for the coming weeks as we'll have a follow-up show

and get some of these folks back on. And it's so awesome if they're like, you suck, Deloney. We did everything you said and this is the worst. You're the worst. That'd be awesome. I went and talked to my therapist

and they said, you're a moron. That'd be great. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

We have one more? Yeah, one more. What is it? You got it. Where is it? Oh, last page. Yeah. The last one here.

I get annoyed by my wife's feelings. Sent in by James Child. James, so what were you thinking about this when you sent it in? This guy was from Louisville. I am from Nashville. So ridiculous. Louisville is how it's spelled, but Louisville is how it's pronounced. So ridiculous.

You guys out there, do y'all get, you men and women, powerful, brilliant men and women, do y'all get annoyed by your partner's feelings? Just take a dive, man. Rachel's like, everybody froze. Don't move, don't move, don't move. That was awesome. Except for Rachel. She's like, yeah, for sure.

Good job. We'll let them know. It's good. That's awesome. All right, all right. So here we go with the last one. I get them know. It's good. It's awesome. All right, all right. So here we go with the last one. I get annoyed by my wife's feelings.

Matt? Hey, before we get going, is it Louisville or Louisville? It's Louisville. Louisville. I'm from Texas. We can only show when somebody's not from the area because they say Louisville or Louisville. I'm from Texas and Tennessee. I'm going with Louisville, man. All right, Matt. Always says that, sir. Matt from Louisville or Louisville. I'm from Texas and Tennessee. I'm going with Louisville, man. All right, Matt.

Matt from Woolville. Go ahead, brother. I'm calling in because my wife and I, we've been married almost 10 years in this October. It's coming up October. This has come up before where she said that I've just

been a very selfish person. A lot of times she'll come and tell me that I've made her upset about something and my go-to emotion seems to just be anger. Like I just get mad at her for telling me that I messed up with something and that I didn't fix something the right way. And like, I guess I kind of get scared. Like when she brings that to me, because I feel like I'm supposed to fix her problems,

even if it's not a problem between us, it's just an emotion that she's had with someone else. And she's coming to me because I'm her husband. I'm supposed to be there to listen to her. And I just, I don't know why, but my go-to emotion is anger. You just jumped issues on me. So you made it sound like one thing, but it's actually two. So she comes to you with challenges about you first, and you respond with anger.

And then separately, so there's a period at the end of that sentence, then separately she comes and talks about other feelings she's having about other issues she's having other people and that makes you angry and frustrated too because you don't know how to solve those right yeah okay so let's deal the first one when she comes to you and says she's got problems with you or she doesn't like the way you've done something is she she right? 90% of the time, yeah. So why do you get angry? I guess because I try to be, I'm a perfectionist. I try to make everything perfect, and when something doesn't go the way I thought it should go, it angers me.

And if I'm doing something and I thought I did it correctly and it was great, but it upset her and then she comes and tells me about it, I think that's where the anger comes from. I thought, well, in my head it was perfect, and it was great. Are you angry at her or are you angry at you? I think ultimately I'm angry at myself, but I take it out on her. And maybe I am angry at her too for a little bit because she pointed it out but I know that's how I grow and I make improvements to myself when

people point those criticisms out to me yeah so dude here's the thing. Dr. Chip Dodd, I love the way he presents anger. He helped me reimagine anger. All anger is is a cue that you care about something. It's a good thing. It is a directional arrow towards something that you are passionate about, that you love, or that you care about. That's what anger is, right? Okay. So, acting immature and acting like a six-year-old and stomping your feet and yelling

or lashing out to somebody at somebody who's trying to help you is, like I said, that's acting like a baby, acting like a child. And so feeling angry, having that well up inside of you, I tried my best and it wasn't good enough, or I tried my best and I just did the wrong thing. Man, that's natural feeling. That's good. Treating your wife with disrespect, treating her without dignity just because she's trying to lean into you, man. That's not cool. At the end of the day, you're letting your feelings and your emotions drive your car instead of your thoughts and your actions. Okay. And so the default setting you've got to adjust to, brother, is think about a car, the front two tires, those are your thoughts, your thinking, and your actions. And so when she comes in and says, hey, man, you did the dishes last night. You put them all in the wrong spot.

We've talked about this. Can you please put them in the right spot? And the thought pops in your head, oh, yeah yeah, well you, that's when you have a moment to stop, stop that thought and say, nope. And then you can replace that thought with you're right. We've talked about this and I was trying to do something nice. Um, and I didn't do it right. And I'm going to fix that. And then your actions are, you can stand up and go fix it. Or you can stand up and look her in the eye and say thank you for telling me that I was an idiot and let that be that but instead you're letting the back two tires of your car which is your physiology like the way your body

feels your heart gets racing and your chest gets tight and you flex your muscles and you're like what's up and your emotions right they rage you just get angry angry right right and so you have got to practice moving your letting the front two wheels of your car drive brother and then the other side of this man when she comes to you with hey this happened today this is a feeling i had this is a frustration why do you get angry about that when she's trying to connect with you that way I don't know that's that's a really good question and that's kind of like what I'm trying to figure out is why that upsets me I guess that's where like my selfishness comes in to where I'm just like well that happened to you that didn't happen to me but that sounds like really bad when I hear it. I've never actually said that out loud, and that doesn't make me feel good. So I'm laughing at you, not with you, okay?

Right, I get you. Why would somebody that you're married to for a decade of your life, she's basically another arm and leg for you, right? Mm-hmm. Why does her thoughts and feelings annoy you? I don't know. That's a good question. Where is that selfishness rooted in, man?

I guess maybe that I feel like, well, I don't really know. I don't want to say this because she has, I mean, there's a couple issues that we're trying to deal with. We actually just started marriage counseling Monday night. Right. And so we're kind of working through that. something hasn't happened that I need in our marriage, it makes those times when she comes to me with her feelings, and I'm kind of like acting selfish, so I'm like, well, you didn't give me what I need, so I'm not going to give you what you need.

So are you talking about sex? She doesn't perform like you want her to or with the regularity you want, so you're going to show her? Right. And where does that behavior usually start i'll just cut to the chase it starts on a playground right you didn't pick me for your team so i'm not going to pick you for my team again we are back to back to my brother matt in louisville acting like a four-year-old. The beauty is, I will say this, you've done a very admirable adult thing, and you have decided you're going to go work on this.

Now, she may be dragging you, but the deal is you're going. Here's what I want you to promise me and the entire world listening to this podcast. You got it? Yep. When you go to your next counseling session, I want you to tell them, I talked to some Yahoo on the radio, some quack on a podcast. And I said some things out loud that made me realize I'm selfish and I'm immature and I want to fix that. And my promise to you is there are ways to fix that. You and your wife are in a wonky dance right now where you have shut off

all environmental signals for intimacy and for connection because she's coming to you with her feelings. She's coming to you with her heart and you are getting frustrated and annoyed by that because she's interrupting your game or you're checking out golf stuff on a website or whatever weird stuff you do in Louisville and you're frustrated and so she has no environmental um signal saying that you want to be connected you want to be intimate and then you circle around and be like hey I'm not getting enough sex and so I'm gonna show you and there's nothing sexual about what's going on in your house right now because you're annoyed by her. You're annoyed when she shares her heart. You're annoyed when she doesn't do exactly what you want.

And it's just making this figure eight of frustration, right? And so at some point, somebody's got to step up and say, I'm breaking the figure eight. I'm going to stop it. And sexuality and intimacy and volume, that starts with a series of environmental offs and ons, not a series of my sex drives more than yours. That's a whole other conversation that we can have another day. But I want you to start with your therapist, start with your marriage counselor. I'm proud of you for going, man.

Walk in that door and say, hey, listen, I'm selfish. I'm immature. I act like a child. The way I respond to you leaves no room for you to even think about intimacy in here because I've not created a safe and welcoming place, a place where you belong, where your feelings belong, where I can listen to you, where I can just look you on and say, that sucks. I hate that somebody treated you like that at work today. Or, man, I didn't do the dishes right again. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm going to get it right.

I walked right past my shoes that I left on the front porch. I didn't fill your car up with gas. I'm sorry. I'm going to make that right. And not that little boy rage that's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm taking my bag and going home. That starts with you, Matt. That starts with you. And I think you've got the courage to do it. And I'm giving you a hard time because I see some of that behavior in myself. I see that behavior in millions of men all across the country where we were not taught. We were not trained on how to be in a relationship. We were taught how to win.

We were taught how to compete. And we were taught that being a boy meant being over, not with. And I want you to take this time, take this snapshot. You've been together a decade. You've got decades ahead of you. I want you to take this time with a marriage counselor, and I want you to learn the skills of connecting. Okay, we're back. I don't even know what to say after that.

That was a, that was an early episode. That was episode six. Yeah. I didn't do a good job on this call. I talked too long. I tried to force an analogy with the cars and the tires and I don't know. I was trying to. I actually kind of liked the cars and the tires thing. That made sense to me. It's from an old psychiatrist William Glasser but you gotta set it up and it wasn't even my analogy

and so I ended up like ooh I got a good one tried to force it in there and it just I don't know I felt like I talked too long on that one this is another one

where there's something to be said for just when you say these things that you're thinking out loud to another person when he said you know she

she comes home and tells me she had a hard day and I'm just like real annoyed because I'm like, well, that happened to you, not me. And he's like, wow, I just heard how that sounded. Just saying it out loud. People would just, they don't have to call, they don't have to call someone, just speak your feelings out loud. And then you'd be like, oh man, now I understand. But that's another one of those where he could have written himself a letter saying, James, you're really annoyed when your wife comes home and says, hey, I had a rough day. And you'd go, like, what an honor that is that she would bring that home to me, not,

that's your problem. It's another call with the challenges around sex. So, so hard. It felt like once at the very end there, we got to, we're not having enough sex. And that is his filter by which he is viewing the status of this relationship. And then everything else is a barrier to him getting what he wants here. It means so much, so many different things to so many different people. And again, we have to be more open in our relationships about sex. I just don't, I can't wrap my head around. I'm sure there's some great cultural studies or something on how it just became so intertwined with our identity and an inability to have that conversation with our spouses. We talk about everything else except for that.

I don't know. It's just a strange universe we live in there. What do you think, Kelly? This isn't going to win me too many fans. We don't have a lot of fans, so we're good. The two. I am not very girly in my, I need to talk about my feelings at all.

And so I see where he comes from on some of that. We're getting annoyed too. And I can fall in that, that's your issue, not mine, because I'm just such a, well, go fix it person. Just go, that's stupid. Go do it. And so sometimes I don't have to be like, okay, just listen to how his day was and what all happened. And I'm sorry about that. But that's not, I don't default to that of being able to, let me tell you all my feelings about my day. I'm always like, it was fine. I dealt with it, you know, whatever.

But I loved the part when you talked about the figure eight part, because that is something in different issues, but that my husband and I went to counseling for quite a while about, I do this because you do this, but I do this because you do this. Well, one of us has got to stop doing this thing. The dance, man. Or we're just going to do this forever, because it's so easy to, this is my stand.

This is all I have to punish you or to whatever. But then it's just, you know, the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Yes. And it's not going to happen

until you just figure it yourself right into the ground. Right. And someone has to be the one to go, you know what, then I'm going to stop doing this thing and do something different. Yes.

Something, you talked about that earlier, something different has to be done. Anything different at this point. And that's, so if you're him and you're thinking, man, my, I'm not having the sex I want to be having right now. I guess you can try to get angry and annoyed and frustrated and you can make that your life's

mission. And then just step back and say, and what I do is what I'm doing working. Is it getting me and are we having more sex? The answer is clearly no. And so do anything different, right? Do anything different. Here's a great one. Try sitting down and talking and saying, I've been a jerk and I've been annoyed and I want to try something new or just start doing something new. I don't know for crying out loud. I do want to point this out though, Kelly, you bring up a great point. We often use our romantic partners as trash bins. We dump all of our crap on them. And so we get home and they're the person who gets all of, I didn't feel good today. My back hurt. My knees hurt.

Can you believe so-and-so did this at work? So-and-so did that at work. I used to be so guilty of that. Oddly, my wife would show up to events with us and she would not like people. And I would say, no, they're great. She's like, I don't like them because they always do this, this, and this. And I realized, oh no, like I give you five interactions out of a thousand that I have with this person because all I do is just bring home the junk.

And so I found two things. Number one, me bringing home the junk was I only had one tool on how to connect. So that's all I knew. And so if all you do is bring home garbage to your husband or your spouse, stop. Think of another way. You can find good things in your day to talk about the second thing is is i don't really know how to say this create some space whether it's we got 30 seconds to talk about work and then we're done with it like because we're not going to bring i'm

not going to bring that home all the time right so create a boundary where i'm going to tell you some negative stuff that happened and then we're going to get out of this thing but that again that that comes up with intentionality and deciding where we're going to connect, and it's not just going to be about crap. Yeah, because we don't know. She may just be following me around the house for five hours a night, and then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened. And that does get really wearing when that's all you're talking about or it's, like you said, bad news all the time. So sometimes you do have to set aside those. Okay, we've got 10 minutes. Tell me what happened.

Do you want me to fix it or do you want me just to listen? That's right. That's a big one. And then we're done with it. Because yeah, I mean, it can get really emotionally wearing. I remember my mother telling us when we got married, don't tell me about your fights with your spouse. It's great wisdom.

Because then when I see them, I think you hurt my child. I have to hate them on your behalf. That's exactly right. So don't tell me that your fights with your spouse. It's great wisdom. Because then when I see them, I think you hurt my child. I have to hate them on your behalf. That's exactly right. So don't tell me that. Yeah, you have to go fix that or talk to your girlfriends or whatever. So maybe she also needs other outlets

than just him, you know, girlfriends or therapists or whatever. Here's my guess in this relationship. She got the gap too. She felt it. And he thought it was a sexual issue she thought it was an intimacy connection issue so she tried to solve it by talking more and being more open about how she felt about things and they ended up being like the the same size of a magnet right and they just

keep pushing each other away even though they're trying so hard to connect man i think this this is i mean very early on episode number six we saw like how big of a deal intimacy is for everyone but especially our audience and it we just did an audience survey recently and that was like the top pain point for people is is struggling with intimacy i know all the live events you've done that's been a huge topic that we're starting to introduce it at live events and even you know as the show as our show progressed you started asking even when it seemed like it was left field you're like hey how's your intimacy because like you said it is a barometer for so

many things in the root of so many things in relationships and everything's revolves you know at some level around connection and intimacy. So it's cool. This was a sad call, but it's cool that we're starting to have that conversation on the show and at live events and stuff like that. Yeah, and if five years from now, the millions of people who are listening to this have learned some new tools just for having conversations in their house, what a gift, right?

It'd be such a shift because then their kids get to watch how you have those conversations and the whole tension in the house goes down, right? And the kids get to go to school with a little less tension in their hearts and minds. And man, you're talking about legacy change there. So, well, cool, man.

That's top five. Way to go, everybody. We made it a year. Thanks, everybody. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Thank y'all for all of your help in the gang. Makes my heart feel good.

Y'all are so awesome. Thank you. And even Z Ford back there with the internets on a cell phone. It's awesome. Thanks, everybody. Hey, so James, what do we got coming up next? So we're going to be trying out some new segments. We've kind of just done the

show where it's been you know we record for 45 minutes and kind of do everything during the show we're gonna try to experiment with shooting some stuff and putting it in and some different types of segments some fun stuff some more in-depth teaching stuff so um yeah you guys stick around and hopefully you'll like the new stuff we're trying and if you don't we can always just default to this lameness right exactly kelly thank you it's like one of the great honors of my life i'm so glad you're in the gang thank you it's been it's been a great year and james i think the most important thing here i wasn't gonna tell you good job it's cool james like signal to me like you're. But I wasn't going to say good job. I was actually going to say,

you and I have formed a pretty incredible metal band. And seeing you week after week, just shredding on that Gibson. It's actually Cody's Gibson. It's making my heart feel good. It's really brought us together. It has. It's brought us together.

If you're watching this show or listening, there is no gulf too big that you can't overcome it. You can build bridges. I don't know. That sounded cheesy and lame. So you said you got the lyrics for the day, dude, as we wrap up. Yeah, Kel and I got this one for the anniversary. Okay.

Yeah, we got it. So here we go. Yeah. This is in dedication to one year anniversary of the show. We went through a couple different options and some of them are a little bit creepy this one feels more appropriate and I'm going to try to read these lyrics

with the same amount of drama that you do on a normal show excellent bring them on alright oh oh oh oh oh it must have been cold there in my shadow to never have sunlight on your face you were content to let me shine. That's your way.

You always walked a step behind. So I was the one with all the glory while you were the one with all the strength. A beautiful face without a name for so long. A beautiful smile to hide the pain. Did you ever know that you're my hero? No. And everything I would like to be? Really? I can fly higher than an eagle because you are the wind beneath my wings.

I agree. I agree. I am the wind beneath your wings. All right, that's about enough of that. Hey, that's one year in. Thanks for being with us. We got 20 more years to go or so right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.