The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “I Can’t Stop Yelling at My Wife”

Episode Date: October 16, 2026

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A man trying to control his anger around his family A mom wondering how to tell her kids about their family secret A husband struggling to get his wife to go to therapy   Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in.  🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 00:01:10 My Rage Is Destroying My Relationships 00:19:25 My Mom’s Doctor Is Secretly My Dad 00:31:16 My Wife Refuses to Go to Therapy   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I've got an issue with anger. For me, man, it feels like it's breaking containment. Obviously, that's had some really. big impacts on my relationship with my kids, with my wife, my relationship with myself. What had growing up look like? I think you probably already have an idea. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show.

I'm so glad that you're hanging out with us today. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes. This is a show with real people going through real challenges. And we're going to pull up a not real seat. We're going to pick up the phone and talk to each other,

try to figure out what's the best next right move for you, for your family, for whatever you can control. I'm super honored to have people call into this show, and I'm super honored to have folks who put their earphones in, their earbuds in, and listen and become part of this community that we're building here. Let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk to JT. Hey, J.T. What's up, brother?

Hey, John, thanks so much for having me on the show, man. You got it. Dude, thanks for calling. Yeah. Hey, so the headline for me is I've got an issue with anger. It's something that is, you've described before as somebody that feels like they have like a nuclear reactor in their chest. Yeah. Kind of walking around.

For me, man, it feels like it's breaking containment. Like it's leaking. Like I can feel it pretty constantly. And it feels just like something I can almost kind of tap into at any moment. It feels like a constant presence. And what that looks like for my daily life is it doesn't take much to get me to kind of react really strongly, kind of lash out in anger. And obviously that's had some really big impacts on my relationship with, my kids with my wife, my relationship with myself.

I'm trying to figure out work through. How can I do a better job of controlling this so I can be a better husband, a better father, a better person overall? How many kids you got, brother? I've got two. Two kids. How old are they? They are five and seven. Five and seven.

Take a breath. I'm glad you're here, man. Thanks. That was hard to say that out loud. And I'm not going to beat you up, okay? I'm here with you. Cool. Sounds good.

Pull the string for me. What did growing up look like? I think you probably already have an idea. I think this kind of thing runs in families, especially, you know, as a man, seeing the example of my dad, he had huge issues with anger. I think he felt cheated in life, like he never got opportunities.

And he really took it out on us. I was never physically hurt, but I was terrified growing up. You just never knew what was going to set him off. And, you know, is tonight going to be the night that, you know, he breaks this thing that's really important to me, or smashes, smashes something or you know, my mom walks out the door, something like that.

So it's, it was an unstable childhood. Where was your mom in this? She was there, but she was really, really passive. Really passive in the whole

situation. And, you know, there are times I don't I didn't really remember this until my brother brought it up to me so it was just me and my brother growing up um that she tried to leave a few times uh going so far as to like just walking down the road um and us not knowing exactly where she went and my dad tracking her down with us in the car um it was yeah i i think obviously really hard for her and then I think she stayed there because of us. This is one of those hard things to say publicly, okay, out loud, because I know how it's going to resonate and I know there's in like massive complications. It's a much easier thing for me to sit, to look you in the eye and say this if you or an eye were one-on-one in a room without microphones. Okay, so I know what I'm going to say is

going to cause all kind of stir. Um, but I don't have a rest of. responsibility to the stirers, I have responsibility to you, okay? And so you were let down by both of your parents. And I never want to blame a woman in an abusive situation because I know what that means to, I mean, I don't have a lived experience, but I've sat with enough folks to know what it means to start a life over and possibly not have protection, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. But I'm only speaking to you right now. And I have deep compassion for your mom. She can't leave two boys, two children, two kids, two babies in a cage with a ferocious bear, right?

Yeah. Yeah. And so hear me say this. Your anger's right. And I'd be willing to bed if you and I talked for a while, I could be wrong, but it's rooted in powerlessness. and now you're married, now you've got two kids, and the same dragons

are still in the middle of your chest, which is you've got all these other people telling you what you have to do, all these other people relying on you with their whims and their concerns and their problems, and it gets tighter and tighter and tighter, and you're looking for something to punch a hole through. Yeah, I'd say,

uh, I'd say that's pretty spot on. Um, I also, uh, that really rings true, mainly because I, like, looking back and seeing the, the experiences where I've, where it feels like that nuclear reactor is just, you know, has escaped containment. Those are the times when I felt the most powerless. My wife and I were foster parents.

We adopted one of our kiddos out of foster care. and that whole experience with being foster parents was just being told we could not do things. We could not do what we knew what was right for our kids that were put into our care. And then recently, I actually just lost my job earlier this year. There you go.

That's a lot. Yeah. So I want to, I want you to hear me say this And I'm not saying this in a bro way, okay? I'm saying this as a guy who loves you, okay? Yeah. I'm sitting here right now. I'm not scared of your anger, okay?

And so I want you to feel free to set it down for a second. Okay. And I'm going to push on you, but I'm pushing on you not as a like two guys outside of a bar. I'm pushing on you because I believe you're stronger than you think you are by a hell of a lot. When you speak to yourself, the stories, you tell yourself that this thing that lives within me is breaking containment, that is the exact dragon you've been chasing your whole life, which is, I am not in control. And so I want you to change your language with yourself. I am in control. I don't accidentally punch a hole through

something. I don't accidentally scream and yell. It doesn't build up so much that there has to be a release. I chose that. And that means I can choose to not do that. And if in that moment, I literally can't choose to do that, which I've, and I've sat with those folks, I will choose to go with the help that I need. Yeah. But it's all about you saying, I will be in the driver's seat from this point forward. And that is you reclaiming your own power. that has been taken away from you since you were a little, little bitty kid. Yeah,

my wife calls that controlling the controllables. It's annoying when our wives are right, right? You know what I mean? I mean, yeah, she's a, I'm pretty lucky. Yeah, I think my question for you, though,

is yeah, I guess in that moment, I can say, you know, I can't control this. I can't control my reaction. I want you to stop focusing on the moment. Because, I mean, that's like, it's like, it's an alcoholic surrounding himself with alcohol at all times.

You've already lost. Right. Right. When I, when I, when I'm, there will come moments when you have to make hard choices. I'm going to walk out of here. I'm going to go for a walk, right? Like, I get that. But I'm talking about really what your wife said.

What in your life can you reclaim autonomy over? agency over. And I'll tell you for me, it was walking into a therapist office and finally for the first time telling somebody the truth about some wild crap that happened to me. Yeah. It might be you going to an inpatient program, going to like our friends at Capstone and just say, I'm going to go spend three to five days and doing intensive. And like I'm unplugging for you.

You don't even have a job. I'm going to unplug for a minute. I got to unhook this reactor in the middle of my chest. Well, let's say we don't have the resources to do like a three-day, you know, time to get away. If I'm, and I can't leave, I need to, you know, just logistically, it can't work. How do I kind of in my daily life create opportunities to release that pressure or practice? I want to, I guess for me, it's like, how do I practically create more, momentum towards controlling this part of me.

How old are you? 41. Has anything you've tried in the last 36 years worked? So at some point, the most courageous thing you can do is to tap out. Yeah. And say, I need to go get somebody to help me. Yeah. Because the path for you is not managing the pressure.

The path for you, like if you're thinking of like a two-liter bottle that's completely shaken up. The path isn't how do I learn how to just gently release the cap at the top so that no liquid gets out, but all the gas gets out. It's cutting a hole in the bottom of the two liter, so everything drains out. I'm not playing the game anymore. You get what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But you have to look in the mirror and tell you're something, tell yourself something, and believe it that your two primary caregivers didn't tell you. And that is you're worth feeling good in your own skin. Yeah. We repeat those stories. based on what people told us and if you've never been told that story it will feel like a lie. If you can't get away because of resources, it will look like you going to see somebody locally

because that's courage and you're not going in there and acting hard because you've been acting hard your whole life, dude, it's going in there and dropping your shoulders and telling the truth for God's sakes. It means getting off all screens and going to bed early. Yeah. Because you're a ruminator and ruminators become scrollers and scrollers become unscrowless. slept maniacs. Yeah. I mean, I'm doing a little bit of that.

My wife keeps me honest. You're doing a lot of it. So I want you delete it all, brother. Delete it all. Delete it all. What's it, what's it giving you? Distraction.

Yes. It's another drink and another drink. It's feeding the rage machine. Yeah. Ask your wife for a 60-second hug when you wake up in the morning. morning ask your wife how i can love you today go get two jobs give yourself a purpose not because i've got to because i get to because i'm driving now anger is right it points to things that should be a different way

it points to things that matter and so when you get angry about something write it down give the angry you of see this he's always going to be at the table yeah you know that one idiot cousin that always runs their mouth at christmas and everyone just rolls her eyes when he starts telling you the story about the truck engine he's going to get and he's going to change it out that's your anger he he is going to have a seat at the table when he starts talking you it's not you it's one of the seats at the table one of the voices at the table roll your eyes and get on about your life and i'm making it sound way too easy it's not that easy you're going to need some professional support yeah okay and if alcohol if food if media you have to know this thing sets me off and so for the time being i'm

out. I'm abstaining totally. I cannot drink anymore because one alcohol, one drink turns into 30. Yeah. Yeah. This is not about you flexing anymore. It's about saying I'm powerless. This is AA. Anger you win. I'm not carrying you around anymore. And if you haven't, you've probably heard me say this, but forgiveness is for you. And so possibly writing a letter to your dad, writing a letter to your mom about all the tough stuff and about who you're going to become now. Don't send the letter, set it on fire, burn it in the trash bin, put it in the grill, whatever. And again, all of this is stuff you'll do with a counselor, with a professional therapist. I want you to, you've got to go sit with somebody professionally.

You wouldn't be calling me if you weren't on the edge. Wake up every morning and write yourself in a small little notebook by your bed. Today I'm going to. you're worth it my man you're worth it your kids are worth it your wife is worth it but man i'm talking to you you're worth it and i'm so sorry so sorry but i'm proud of you and if resources i know resources are tight for everybody man it's a chaotic time economically hang on the line i'll hook you up with three free months of better help um we'll get you set up there um do reach out to my friends over at capstone you're an ideal candidate for a three to five day and ten

do reach out to them and see what they can what kind of deal they can work out with you but it's it's it would be transformative for you I believe um and call me back anytime all of this starts with an identity change which is you look in the mirror and saying I'm worth peace and I'm an agent of peace in my life in my marriage in my parenting relationship in my home and I'm going to reverse engineer that with action steps they're going to bring me here I love you my brother and I'm grateful that you called. Today's day one. Congratulations. Game on. When we come back, a woman asks how and when she should tell her kids about their donor conceived family history. We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Every year you tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently. You're going to stay calmer. You're going to feel more peace. But then the same old patterns show up. the same family tensions, the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries, and you find yourself cranky and tired and even snapping at people that you love. Listen, this year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions. And you can develop a plan from moving through the holidays with peace. Therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it.

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Listen, you know what's coming. This year, you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloni to check out your payment options. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloni or click the link in the description. All right, let's go out to Phoenix and talk to Roxy. Hey, Roxy, what's up? Hi, thank you for having my call.

Thank you for picking up and being a part of the show. What's going on? So a few years ago, my mom and dad invited my brother and I over and let us know that my dad was not my dad and that my mom was inseminated. Through that process, we discovered it was the doctor. And I want to tell my teenage son. Hold on. It was the doctor? It was the doctor, yeah. Did he do this maliciously?

The feeling is that no, he did it to help. You know, I met the other siblings. That's kind of the thought behind it, that he had to do it in medical school, and he just randomly helped women throughout the years. That person should be in jail. Yeah, I mean, he's no longer with us. This is a long time ago.

I'm in my early 40s, And I guess this was just how it was. That was my biggest hurdle was the ethical implications of this. I mean, he delivered me. It's crazy. Good God Almighty. So he just thought he would quietly help out women by... Yes.

He's a psychopath. Yeah. I mean, yeah. It was hard to swallow. My gosh. I'm so sorry. Good grief. Yeah.

Um, yikes. So how old's your son? My son is about to be 16. Okay. And the issue that I really see is that my brother has no desire to tell his kids. And my son and his son are two weeks apart. Best friends go to high school together. So I don't know how to tell him about making him keep this big secret.

Uh, I mean, your values are budding up again. your brother's values. And that's your brother's responsibility. His choice to not be honest with his son is going to have consequences. And you can't hold all of those consequences. That's his, that's his boundary that he's drawing. That's his decision that he's making. What you can do is the next right thing for your son,

which is to be honest with him. This has medical implications. This has genetic implications. This has all kinds of implications that he needs to know about. That's how I feel like, you know, we're not hundreds, which is what I kind of tell myself. You know, there's only 10 that we know, a little over 10 that we know of. But yes, you need to know. Yeah.

He needs to know. I just don't know how to tell him. Well, I think you need to get the picture in your head right. And, or to co, essentially, because you're not there anymore and it's all backstory. and who knows how and what? Who knows, like, if this doctor and your mom sat down and had a conversation, if this doctor was, like, evil, like, insiminating women without their consent or knowledge, just in an effort to spread himself all over the planet, you know what I mean?

Like, who knows? I do, you know, like, my mom had told me he was like, no, I'm not doing it anymore. I did it when I was younger, and she was, like, crying. She wanted a family. My dad couldn't. And she truly believes that he did this to help her. And there is a large gap that we know of at least 10 years between my brother and I and the other siblings that all seem to be just out of medical school.

So, I mean, the story tracks. And, I mean, the siblings are all friends and they're friends with his actual children. And it's just all weird, but. Wow. I mean, I don't know what. I don't know what benefit they would have to just become enemies with everybody. So kudos to them for being adults in a really crazy situation. Yeah, once you get this story in your mind right,

grandma went behind granddad's back and did this. Oh, he knew. Yeah. Oh, he knew too? Yeah, he knew. Okay. No, they didn't guarantee it was a doctor. They just suspected.

Okay. My dad was part of the, let's have kids. Okay. So, I mean, that honestly makes it a bit easier, which is you're 16 now. So I've got to tell you about our family history because it's going to be important to you as you get older. Look him in the eye and say, it's going about to get real, real fresh in here with me and you. And I know your mom, you don't want to hear about these stuff, but we're doing it. And he'll be like, no, mom, no.

But just go through it. But let him know, here's the best case. Here's the best situation we have. He's probably going to want a DNA test. He won't, but one day he might. Have you already gotten a DNA test? Yeah, that's what prompted all this. Okay, so it's confirmed.

Okay, so it's confirmed. Okay. So you can say, like, I know granddad will always be granddad, but you're biologically, we are connected to this other man. And so it'll be important to have his medical records. It'll be important to have his information. That kind of stuff will be important. And here's a whole list of half siblings that you're technically

you're related to. All right. Yeah. And best of luck to you on all of it. Is there a certain age? Like I have two other children, but they're younger. Like, is there a right age to introduce this information? No.

If it, if it was you, Mm-hmm. Like, your mom waited way, way, way too long to where it's disorienting. Mm-hmm. Exactly. This is, this is one generation removed. And so you're talking family lore at this point that does impact them genetically, but doesn't super... You get what I'm saying?

Yeah. Them needing to know your parents' fertility struggles, they don't need to know that at 10. Okay. All right. Once you get to be 14, 15, 16, yeah, I think we're sitting down having conversations. But again, your kids will take their cue for how serious or are. awful or tragic or traumatic this is from you. Okay.

And so if you sit down and be like, I got a wild one for you with a smile on your face, guess what I found out a few years ago, and I'm still wrestling with this. I'm still wrestling for what it all means. I didn't know all that. You know what I mean? But having that conversation with your kids in that spirit versus you sit down, you sit them down and your tense as all can be and you're nervous, they will pick that up and they will own it and they will hear everything you say through that speaker.

This is scary. This is bad. This is awful. This is big. And it may be those things. And if it is, sit them down and say, I've got something really heavy and serious that's on my heart and mind, right? And I just don't want to put stipulations on it, but I don't know how to, I understand if my brother's feeling like, do I let him know?

Do I say, hey, don't say anything to your grandfather. It might be uncomfortable. Like, I guess I don't know how to handle that. You set the, yeah, I would tell him, my brother, your uncle Jim, right? Uncle Jim has decided not to tell his son. So I am going to ask you to not, to be a person and a character and not pass this along. Okay. And yes, we're not going to, you can tell him, I'm not bringing this up with my mom and dad.

this is not for you to bring up with your grandparents. This is between us. Okay. This is just to give you a fuller picture of your life. You're about to turn 17, 18. You're going to have to start answering medical questions. You're going to start going to start going to the doctor on your own in a year and a half or two. Going to college, like you need to know family history stuff and I'll give you the best information I got.

Okay. All right. And I think it's important for him to know, like, do any questions are okay? Okay. Any questions. Any mechanical questions, any, like, whatever questions. And I'd also tell him this. This is another big one.

I would tell him as a 16-year-old, you are not to be reaching out to potential half-siblings. When you're 18, you can do what you want. But 16 is too young. Okay. And if people reach out to you, you need to let me know ASAP. So if I were you, I'd probably map all this out. I'd probably write it down. And again, how I have conversations with my kids is especially big ones like this.

Like I try to intentionally have a smile on my face and say, hey, I got a big one. Here we, this is going to be a big one? And I want them at that level of ease knowing I'm not scared of this conversation, but it's a pretty big deal. And it's a big enough deal that I'm kind of getting the chuckles. or if I have to have a hard conversation with them, I tell them, hey, this is a big deal. And they hear it in my voice that we're not laughing, we're not playing.

This is a big deal. But it's my job as parents to set the tone, the environment, the electricity in the room, if you will, because your kids will absorb, absorb, absorb that. So, man, I'm sorry this happened to you, Roxy, and it sounds like you're on the right path. It's a messy world we live in. That's all I'll say.

messy world we live in. Thanks for the call. Best of luck to this conversation and to you and your kids. When we come back, a man asks how to support his wife through severe mental health struggles when she refuses to get care.

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That's zander with a z dot com or click the link in the description. All right, let's go out to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Peter. Hey, Peter, what's up? John, how are you doing today? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? I am busier in a beaver on a new dam, but having a time of my life. Excellent, excellent.

What's going on, dude? How can I help? Yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Been married to my wife for about two years now, and some stuff's coming up. We're both realizing that she has some pretty serious trauma. She's taking the Aces score just on her own. She scores a 10 out of 10, so pretty high trauma there. And we both grew up at homes where therapy was poo-poohed. Doctors were poo-poohed.

And that whole side of life was like, oh, you just tough it out, you know, pray, you're good to go. So all this trauma's coming up, she has a massive distrust of therapists in general. I've been like, hey, I really want you to go. And she's like, yeah, I know I need to. I just, she tells me she doesn't believe she can open up to a therapist. And she doesn't believe that the therapist can actually help. her with what's going on. And so I'm like, well, I can't force you to go.

But I'm struggling with resentment because, you know, with an ACEs of 10, she's got some stuff to deal with. And so she kind of ends up vomiting on me sometimes. I was going to say, your life is hell. Hers is too, but your life is hell. Well, sometimes. Sometimes, yes. Hold on, hold on.

I know you love your wife and I know you're a good man. I don't want you defending her to the point of dishonesty with me on this call, okay? Yeah. It's hard, isn't it? Yes, it is. Okay. Home can be tough sometimes.

Home can probably tough a lot. Yeah. Because even when it's good, there's that, there's that edge, right? Yeah. Yeah. And we both want to have kids someday and we're just trying to deal with this as best as we can. So I just want to figure how I can encourage her to go to therapy. what can I do?

I feel like I'm out of tools. I listened to you for years and I've used as many tools as I can from you and you tell me a ton so thank you for that first off but I just need some more tools like she's my right or die I'm her right or die.

I'm going to push on you. She's not. You're riding and she's riding next to you but she's dragging behind her a chain with 10,000 pounds behind the bike. That's exactly.

And so she's not interested at this moment of cutting that chain. So she's not riding or dying with you. She's riding or dying with her trauma, her traumatic past. Yeah. And she'll let you ride next to her if you want to drive real slow.

Well, I'm also really good at helping her. I bring peace to her life. and in a strange way this is going to sound awful for me to say this okay if you continue to show up and be her regulating device she will never learn the skills to self-sooth to self-regulate to become present in her own skin

yeah and so what the only thing you can do here and this is you're going to feel powerless and bro I wish I had known this in year two I learned this in year like 20, okay? The only thing on planet Earth you can control is you. Yeah. And here's what that means.

If you're screaming and yelling, I will walk out the door. If you are breaking things, I will go stay at. If you, and I will always be here to pick you up to take you to whatever. But the only person I can keep safe right now is me. because I've given you three, four, five paths to staying safe, and you won't walk on them. I hear you. You're creating a codependent trap for you and your wife, and it's going to be a nightmare to untangle it. Yes, it's already there.

And growing up, I was the one who did this say, you marry your past trauma, and that's my parents were. So that holds true. So you know, you have a. lived experience of the futility of being responsible for other people's emotional states. Yes, absolutely. And you're recreating it again. And it's a absolute stone recipe for you resenting this woman. And I don't think she deserves that.

And I don't want that for you. No. So here's another little layer. Whenever, like what you just said, you know, you said, hey, if you're screaming or whatever, I'm just going to leave and come back when you're, you calm down. she was pretty much abandoned when she was growing up and so she sees me leaving that conversation is just me abandoning her

and that winds her up even more I mean is there something she can do like yes she can go she can go therapy do what is there is there just like stuff she can do just herself to prepare for therapy to start opening that she has an ACE's score of 10

that tells me that she is at extremely elevated risk of cancer, dementia, heart attacks, all sorts of pain. Yeah, I don't mean. Everything. Yes. Yep. Yep.

And so this isn't something she can flex through. This is not something at that level that she's been through hell, brother. Yep. If you hear some of the stories, man. Yeah. And so short of, and I don't know you've tried all these things, I'll go with you. I'll hold your hand through it. I'll

figure out, I'll work extra shifts and we'll get a concierge therapist will come into our home. But the war she's going to have to fight is that vulnerability would have gotten her killed as a kid. Yes.

And that's the medicine that she needs right now. That's tough. Everything you're saying is true. It's really tough. So maybe I could get her to start with. Have you started seeing somebody? Not yet.

Okay, then you can't get on to her for not until you go. Okay. And I appreciate that. Every time you go, go by example, and I want you, because you grew up in hell too. What's your Aces score, by the way? That's around a five or a seven. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

So. Maybe successful, but. Well, that's the problem sometimes, right? People pat you on the back for it. They either put you in jail for it, or they put you in jail for it, or they pat you on the back and give you money for it. Exactly. You being honest about your lived experience in therapy.

Okay. Seeing somebody. Okay. I'm sleeping a little bit deeper. Today was a hard, hard session, and it was really scary, but I feel good right now. I feel worn out right now in a good way. Like a good, like after I just got, I remember leaving a few sessions where I left feeling like I'd been through hard workout.

Yeah. And I sat on a couch for an hour, right? You going first and giving her a lived experience. And then after three or four times saying, I would really love it if you came with me. And she might say no 20 times. Okay. Maybe. Showing her the benefits of it, showing her how it's helping me, like you said, leading by example.

Just lead by example. Would you say better help is a good option for me to start with? with her, no. Not with her? No, she needs, she, she, she needs some in-person treatment. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, Better Help might be a good place. Like if she won't go any, well, someone in her situation, the challenge, like, you might be okay to start with BetterHelp, um, with an online platform like that. My concern for somebody with an ACE score of 10 is they're going to end up in the same place. They're going to talk for one or two sessions. and they're going to be like, hey, you need to get referred out, and that will feel like abandonment. Okay. Okay.

Oh, I'm too much even for a professional therapist, not understanding the ins and outs of context and in person versus, like, right? It's just going to feel like another rejection. Yeah. What is there any particular therapist I should look for? Yeah, like look in your local area for people who are trauma-focused trained. Trauma-focused trained. Okay. And the reason I'm bringing this up to why just right now is we're both young and I want to get this out of our system before we start getting older.

I mean, you know, my frontal lobe just developed on like 26. She's like in her early 20s. So I want to get this before it really sets in. And I think that's wise and this is this type of healing is not fixing a broken leg. No. These stories are a part of you for the rest of your life. It's like a scar that sits on you that you have forever. The way I would describe it is this.

The thing still happened, but your body doesn't respond in the present as though it's happening. Okay. And so you can think about a thing. You can remember a thing. You can be driving down the road and something flash into your mind, an old, old memory. And your body doesn't go into immediate fight or flight. I got to get out of here now. Yeah.

And in your situation, given your wife's history, history, y'all are sitting on the couch relaxing after a day at work and you reach over and put your hand on her leg and she goes full catatonic or full panic. Yep. She can accept your, like feel your hand on her leg and it feels like home. It feels like peace, not like a declaration of war. Yeah. That's what healing is. It's not going to take away what happened.

No. well I can't right but but you can and this is a it's a multi-year process you're thinking like three for sure knows how you'll take dude take all the time limits off okay take all those time limits off because here's the deal when you all have kids another threat detection system pops back up that you don't even know

was there because it's been through kids before okay and it recognizes when you if you have a daughter who turns six and that's the year your wife started the uncle started showing up at the house. Yep. That whole system gets lit up like a Christmas tree as we hope it would. Yeah. And so she's in a lifelong conversation about I wasn't okay then, but I'm working hard to be okay now.

Okay. And our dream is... It's tough for me. I don't like... I know. I don't like not knowing. I know. Yeah.

But that's how you've responded to all the chaos in your life is I will control every variable. Yep. And that will bury you in this situation. Okay. Your freedom that you're looking for is on the release of variables. Yep. Right. Okay.

And I think there's some, I'm sure your wife's been through the battery of diagnostics and all that stuff. Not yet. No, just trying to get her to go. Yeah, you're right. I totally blew that. Yeah, she won't even go. So you're right. If she wants to call into the show,

I'd love to talk to her. She may not talk to me either, but here's the thing. And this is going to sound bananas. The focus I would take with your wife out of the gate is, her body's probably working directionally right. It's trying to keep her safe. Yeah.

And sometimes that simple reframe is trying to its best to keep you safe. And it worked for a while. And now it's just in a different context. So you've heard me say this a million times, but the things that kept you safe as a kid, even marginally safe will destroy your adult relationships. That's where we're at.

So it's just, it becomes less of a you're broken, and you've got to go get fixed. And more, I need to go learn some new skills. Okay. I like that. Accept yourself and go,

hey, your body was protecting you. Now it's just different context. You don't need to go fight the beasts in the jungle anymore. Yeah, dear. You're a safe house. That's it. And so now we have to learn how to,

go outside in a jungle where there's no lions and exhale. And here's what really sucks is we live in a crazy world. There might be lions. Yeah. Right? And so that's the balance. That's the balance. And if you look at it as one loss,

heal or broken, or fixed or broken is a better way say that. If you look at it as one lost, fixed or broken, then and like now and then, man, you're boxing yourself into a really binary algebraic equation

and that's not how healing works okay healing works from the inside out it's she's not going to walk out of her room after six months of therapy and be like I feel amazing yeah I'm healed what will happen is

you'll say something dumb and she'll be walking together get some coffee and she'll realize, oh my gosh, my body didn't just set off. Huh. Yeah. Or she won't scream back at you. And you'll go, huh.

That's what healing looks like. It looks like a hug that lasts a little bit too long. That'd be nice. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I just want to say, that's really, thank you for love and your wife. Yeah. There's a few more powerless feelings in the world when you got sick kids and there's a, it's

powerless feeling when your spouse, your person you love more than anything in the world is struggling? It is. It carries into everything. It does. Money. Everything. Just joy, just peace.

Just just laughter in your home, warmth, all of it. Yep. Yeah. Totally. John, thank you. Really appreciate it. You make a good path forward. I'm going to take it.

When all else fails, go first. I will. Okay. Thank you, sir. And do you have an iPhone? I do have an iPhone. All right, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with a year of the Together app.

I want you to practice with your wife tiny steps. Tiny steps. Tiny steps of reconnection. And here's what that will look like. That will look like one action step that will slowly over time teach your body that some men were not safe, but this one is. Get the nail on the head right there. Okay. And it will teach you that sometimes my wife has really giant feelings, but not right this second.

And we're going to slowly work back together. Hang on the line. I'll hook you all up with that as my gift. Yeah, you go first. And, man, I hope I don't sound fatalistic. But if you have an AIS score of 10, you've got to get some professional intervention. That's every risk factor is just a neon red blinking light. and just having to surrender and say this, I grew up in hell and I need some folks to walk with me out.

And thankfully, we live in a time and a place in history where that's possible. So I wish you guys the absolute best blessings to you. And if she ever wants to call on the show, we'll get her on. I'd love to talk to her. Thanks for a call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, everyone, summer is over. I hope you had a great one.

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survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, we're back. After first talk about this, I know you told me there's a follow-up call that we need to get to, but now we have a,

a real problem you and I, Kelly. Because last week I was on the road doing comedy shows in cities I haven't been to in 15, 20 years. And the rooms were packed. I brought a couple of comedians from Nashville who were hilarious. It was

a barn burner time. And in the signing lines in both states, people handed me giraffe paraphernalia, Kelly. Stuffed giraffe. It's a thing now. Giraff stickers.

Those giraffe stickers that you... They're hilarious. I don't know where the person got them, but kudos. They're incredible. Those were fantastic. I know. My wife saw them and she's like, these are incredible. Who made these?

And even funnier joke, the woman who gave me the stuffed giraffe had an OU necklace on it because she knows my disdain for... Anyway. As a fellow Texan, I do appreciate... I feel that. And it was in Oklahoma. But I'm the giraffe sex guy now. Clip that.

Clip that. You just have no idea how happy that makes me. I laughed so hard. Yeah. The first one I got, I was back in the green room. And one of the comics was like, hey, some woman just came up and said to give this to you. And I was like, what is it? What?

Oh, God. And I started dying laughing. I went and chased out to, to, find out who she was and then it just kept happening. Oh, and then Sunday night, I'm on stage with Annie Downs for her book release party. And she's like, all right, going through this quiz. And she's like, all right, rapid fire quiz questions. You have to let one animal go extinct. First animal, giraffe. And I was like, come on, Annie. And she's like, she had no idea. And I totally thought she was playing it too. See, the universe is conspiring. It's conspiring against you.

Listen, internet's. I don't have a giraffe thing. I don't. I don't. I beg to differ. Oh, boy, that's what I need. All right, so, what you got, Kelly? All right, so on the show that came out just two days ago, for those that are listening to this on the day it comes out.

So this comes out on Friday the 16th, this came out on the show that came out on Wednesday, the 14th, featured a caller. It was Ray from Milwaukee. And he was having trouble. connecting with his teenage son. And so he was talking about his son had dyed his hair blue and he was just really struggling with connection. Oh, I remember that guy told him

he should die his hair blue. Yeah, yeah. He did. No. Yes. We were posting a picture. Ray gave his permission to post a picture. He did it.

And so I want to read what he said. He said, well, you said it would be cool to dye my hair blue like my sons and sent you a picture. So I figured I couldn't talk the talk without walking the walk. I'm not sure my son knew what he was getting himself into

when he told me wanted blue hair, but apparently now we're a matching set. Honestly, this whole thing started as a conversation about wanting to support my son while still being his dad, setting boundaries and letting him become his own person. I never expected the dire hair blue to become part of the parenting advice. So here we are. Father and son, rocking blue hair. Thanks for the advice, the perspective, and for reminding me that sometimes supporting our kids means being willing to overlook, to look a little ridiculous ourselves. Nice, Ray. That's awesome.

Now, if the next letter, Ray, if your next letter is, well, I got fired today for going to work with blue hair and my kid got kicked out of school. I'll tell you, that's my, that's my bad. But I don't know. There's something that takes the punk rock out of certain activities, like the hardcore when your dad settles up next to you. Like, oh, look at my blue hair. And you're like, I'll just, I'll just die it back to Brown. Ray, you're a hero of mine, dude. Well done.

I should have done that. I've been complaining about my son's like bro country haircut. I should have just mulleted out. Game on. Oh, it's happening now. It's happening. Love you guys.