The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “I Don’t Know My Husband Anymore”

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering if it’s time to leave her husband A man struggling to find a social life within marriage A man aiming to correct his compulsive lying problem   Next Steps: 📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to Churchillmorgage.com. My husband and I, we both met in the service, and they said that he had like an addictive personality disorder. He's addicted to just like collecting things. Sex is another thing that if I can't give it to him, he has to have it. And it's just like, I felt like it's ruined our marriage.

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Kelly, listen. It happened today. I've been waiting for this to happen. It happened. I am real nervous about whatever's coming next.

Today's first day of school from my fifth grader and I got Tudaloo to Lude. Tudaloo Barbecue. That's a funny thing show he says to me. But we got up to the door and she was with her friends. Oh, but she let you take her to the door.

So that's still something. It took a lot. Yeah. a lot to go to the door and we got there and she's like okay and i played it cool man dagger to the soul hey like i said you so got to the door i got a half hug though which is so you got like a side hug kind of thing pretty much like uh like a macy's day parade but because next year it's gonna be can you drop me off a block away yeah kind of well i can't take the bus and yeah my friends i'll take the bus will you just move yeah could you never

Act like you don't know me. Because how about you go to another country? Just said money, right. Tooteloo barbecued. I can't believe it, man. Hey, I don't even know. How did we start this show? Hey, well, I'm glad that you're here.

I'm just having a moment on this show. That's what we're talking about. Parenting, mental, emotional health, relationships, marriages, whatever you got going on in your life, pull up a seat. And if anyone wants to call it and try to make me feel better, that it happened it happened no matter how hard I try

I'm still just a dad yeah they come back they do yeah but they you know what they are gonna come back but I'm just gonna tell them the money will be there

when you come back but not in between whatever I know whatever all right let's go to Jacksonville Florida and talk to Sarah hey Sarah what's up hey how's it going

Doing all right. How are you? I'm good, good. I just wanted to start off by saying that I really appreciate what everybody does. I like everyone on the cast there because dealing with mental health, you know, is not easy. And you as people, human beings, you deal with your own things every day and you're out here, helping other people with their problems. And I really admire that. Well, thank you so much, Sarah. I'm grateful that you're with us. What's going on? Yeah, so I guess my question is really is that if I am making the right decision by leaving my husband, even though he struggles with addiction and basically just trying to be faithful.

So my husband and I, we both met in the service. and some time ago, and we're talking about like 2014, they said that he had like an addictive personality or addictive personality disorder and some compulsive disorder or something like that. So that has made like a big effect on our marriage. So there's been like lots of fighting and stuff like that because things are not perfect and the way that he needs.

it and mind you I work full time and we have three children together and um it's always and I've constantly caught him in infidelity he's like um he's addicted to just like always collecting things like cars he has four trucks that he'll get over that and now he's like into motorcycles and collects all the motors but it is like excessive you know and it's been a big big problem and sex is another thing that he just like if I can't give it to him he has to have it and it's just like it's I felt like it's ruin our marriage um I'm gonna give you some context and then I'm gonna kind of lay out some ground rules I have for myself okay when somebody gets a diagnosis of any sort I'm not gonna say that not of any sort but of most sorts okay

What that is is a roadmap. It's a destination point for where somebody's going to have to put in a ton of work and effort. It is not a free pass. I also, years ago, had multiple clinical diagnosis. It was not an excuse to cheat on my wife. It was not an excuse to put my family into financial ruin with my projects. it wasn't an excuse to be abusive with my language just because my wife didn't do exactly what I wanted her to what it was was a clear path of what I needed to work on so that I could show up and be the the husband that she deserves right right so if you're if you are um diagnosed with addictive personality disorder I have to go back and check the DSM I don't I've heard of substance abuse disorder but it's been a long time since I've dug into that stuff. So, but let's say that is.

Let's say that's a thing. That doesn't mean that you get a lifetime pass on addiction. Right. That means you have a lifetime of really working hard on sobriety. If you have compulsion disorders of which I've had, that doesn't mean you just get to buy whatever you want, do whatever you want, and everyone in the whole world has to follow you. That means I got to go do some work.

Right? And so it's a context, not an excuse. Got it. It's a reason your body responds to genetics and environmental stressors, things going on in your life, to all sorts of things. But it's not an excuse to just run roughshod over everybody closest to you. Right. And so my ground rules are, except in very rare situations, I don't tell people to leave their marriage. You've got to own that.

Right. I will tell you, I believe with all my heart, that you're worth being in a marriage where you're not being cheated on and your physical health isn't being put on the line. God knows how many times. Right. You're worth being in a marriage with somebody you can count on. Right. You're worth being in a marriage with somebody who you can anchor into as much as they can anchor into you. Right.

But you have to own the decision to leave. Yeah, I left already because I kind of had my breaking point. I just had a mastectomy for cancer and my mom just passed away from cancer. So it's kind of like everything has been hitting the fan at once. And, you know, I had a conversation with him about, you know, because I listen to your show a lot. I said, okay, I need transparency, a roadmap. You know, actions are everything. And, you know, your actions mean everything and it's not just words anymore.

We have to do this. And it was just like I caught him. I looked, he was just like, fine, you know, that he was going to do it. But when I saw, I felt like I. just gave up off of that one day, but even though it's actually been years, I don't know. But this time I actually gave like a roadmap, like I had an actual roadmap. I had a plan. And, um, but the very next day, I saw that he had deleted message from a female. And it wasn't nothing bad. It was just like, you know, he was reaching out to her, but he deleted it. And for me,

I felt as if like that was already a betrayal so quickly. And I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I couldn't anymore because I just had so many things in my life that's been going on. So let me say this here. You're not crazy. Okay. I hate that you're going through this. You're in a season of hell. Oh, yeah. And the beauty of doing life with somebody who's right or die with you is that you don't have to go through hell alone.

And you've been going through it alone. I'm sorry. Yeah. It's not supposed to be like that. Yeah, sure is lonely. You know, he moved me here and, well, I chose to move here with him. And I have no family. Yeah. And I finally moved my mom here and she died.

Yeah. So the heartbreaking question I'll ask you, is what are you going to do next? Well, I have a place. I mean, we're cramped here, but, you know. How old are your kids? 17, a male, 14 female and 9-year-old male. And then plus I have my brother. My mom adopted him when he was a baby, but he's my brother.

He's an adult. He's 21. And he helped take care of my mom a lot while I was down because I couldn't do it anymore because I was having treatments and my mastectomy and stuff. Where was your husband and all of this? So, well... No, no, hold on, Sarah. I want to press you on something, okay?

Yeah. I want you to stop defending him for a second. Okay. Stop. You've been defending him for years. Right. Stop. Right.

When you were diagnosed with breast cancer and had to go have a mastectomy, where was he? And if you tell me any place other than right next to you holding your hand I'll tell you straight as direct as I can

he failed you as your husband period well he did take the time off and he was with me he was home with me I think for like two weeks and then he went yeah so

then he went back to work so he was there for me okay so what are you going to do next yeah I think I'm I already have the divorce papers and I'm just moving forward

I just really want to make sure that I that I didn't give up too quickly because of that text message that I found because he told me it was nothing but in my heart I felt like it was a door opening to something if not he would have never deleted it But my plan is, since you're saying I'm not crazy, my plan is just to move forward and, you know, sell everything and we'll have the kids 50-50.

Okay. And so I want you to metabolize that. That's going to mean you're going to have to make a budget for your new household based on your income. Yeah. And that means you're going to, like, I want you to, I want you just to make a, make a path from, in the same way you gave him a roadmap. Here's what loving me looks like. Here's what I want. Yeah.

And he immediately walked out and did something different. Right. Right. And I want you to give yourself that same roadmap. And I want you, it's going to sound nutty. You can't, you can't, if you run a restaurant or if you're working in a restaurant, you can't fill up all of your customer's water glasses unless you're picture's full. Right. So I want you to ask yourself, what must be true for me to be well so that?

Mm-hmm. As a newly found single mom, I can take care of these three kids. I got a 21-year-old crammed in here, too. Right. What must be true? You're going to have to get some help and support and some friends. You just can't do it by yourself. It's too much.

Yeah. Which means you're going to have to do something you probably don't like to do, which is ask for help. No. What does taking care of your physical health look like post mastectomy? What does taking care of your mental health post being with somebody who's just disregarded you for so many years? Right. What's taking care of your mental and emotional health, just processing that your mom passed away? I want you to be in service to you first so that you can be in service to all these other responsibilities that you have.

I'm trying to work on myself so I can be there for the kids And if you'll do me a favor The favor is really for you but do it for me if nothing else right now Don't work on yourself like you're an old car engine that needs to be repaired Right Honor yourself Right What are some ways I can love myself

So that I've got a full picture to serve these three kids and my brother and my full-time job but I feel like I don't know what that looks like because if you're saying don't work on myself like a car

I really don't really wouldn't understand I guess that's something I got to reach deep inside and figure out because I don't know it's just it's a it's a tiny shift in language

that you'll end up on a different trajectory If you wake up every day opening your eyes thinking you're broken, that's an exhausting way to live. If you wake up every day and you open your eyes and your first thought is, I'm worth an hour this morning. I get to go exercise.

I get to go call a counselor. I get to go make breakfast for my kids. Or even better, your 17-year-old, I get to eat the breakfast my 17-year-old makes. Because he makes breakfast on Monday, and my daughter makes it on Tuesday, and my youngest son makes it on Wednesday.

And Wednesday, because he's nine, that's not a great breakfast, but it's a breakfast. Right? And I get to watch my kids slowly develop into adults. Right. Because I'm worth that. And by the way, they are too. I'm worth sitting down and writing my mom,

a long, long letter telling her how much I miss her. I'm worth writing my body a letter, which is what I recommend for folks who are on the other side of cancer, telling your body how grateful you are for it, and also telling your body how pissed off for they tried to kill you. And telling your body how you're going to honor it and take care of it moving forward, and you're going to ask it to do the same. Try to take care of you, right? All of this is from a position of strength.

from a position of for the first time in your life, Sarah, I want you to look in the mirror and say, I'm worth feeling well in my own skin. I'm worth not wondering if my husband's out sleeping with somebody else. I'm worth getting home and not feeling good and not having on top of not feeling good shame pile that my husband's demanding sex and it hurts, I don't feel good.

And somehow I feel like I'm the wrong one here. Right. Right. So it's less about having to dig deep and it's more about not waking up every day saying I'm somehow malfunctioning. But it's saying, no, my body's working pretty good for the situation it's in. And now my spirit is going to start emerging. And I'm going to do things that I've wanted to do. I'm worth doing things I've wanted to do. I've got a lot of responsibilities with three kids now. And with a 21 year old. And by the way, at 21 year was going to start to keep pulling their weight. Pretty awesome kid that took care of mom. And now pretty awesome. young man who's going to go get a job and work real hard. And if he's going to live here, he's going to be a contributing member of this house because we need him.

And by the way, him feeling needed, him having a purpose is going to help him too. The greatest gift you can give a 21-year-old is responsibility. Helps their muscles grow. We're not going to wake up every day thinking there's something wrong with us. We're going to wake up every day saying, I get to go do whatever happens next. So sorry, you're going through this, Sarah. Thank you for the call, sister. Call anytime.

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That's three months for free at hallow.com slash deloni. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay.

talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapist, someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. Better Help therapists all follow a strict code of ethics. and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall

is in a weakness, it's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, we have a couple calling in from Seattle, Washington. Let's go out to Andrew first. Hey, Andrew, are you there? Yep. Awesome. Most excellent. All right. Let's bring in your wife, Maria. Hey, Maria. What's up? Hi, good morning. Good morning. All right. So are y'all both in the same house? Oh, okay. Is this a spicy call?

No. Unfortunately, no. No. No. Fortunately, yes. I need one. I need a regular call. What's up? I'll start off I'm the one with the question Okay So The main question is How do we maneuver or Handle socializing outside of our relationship

When we both have two socializing Different dynamics Tell me about it Those are some big words Tell me what's going on So, long story short, I'm starting to come out and be a bit of a social butterfly trying at least. Yeah. And my wife, she tends to be a little bit more particular with how she socializes with people.

You're saying it all so gently, like she's standing behind you and she's going to hit you. So you like, you're starting to, and it sounds like this is new for you, you're starting to want to go out, do some things, and Maria likes to stay at home and read a book? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Okay. Maria, what's going on with you? Let's see. I'm just an intro. I've never been very social.

I don't really have a need to be around other people. my job is physically and emotionally taxing and whatever downtime I have, it's for me. It's for me in the house or the household, I guess. You all have kids, too? We don't. Okay. We don't have kids. We just have dogs.

So when you say you in the household, does that mean everybody except for Andrew? Oh, let me say it this way. Only Andrew. Only Andrew. Okay. So you get home from work, you have a taxing job, you want to curl up on the couch, and I'm making stuff up, who knows, but I don't know what you actually want to do, but you want to just kind of drop your shoulders and hang. And Andrew's like, cool, now that you're home, let's go out. Pretty much. Okay.

So there's no tension here. Just kidding. Y'all's house sounds exactly like my house. Tell me the purpose of this call. Did something happen, or has it just been building over time? Andrew, can I throw it back to you? Yeah, yeah. So we both had the same job.

We both, for the longest time during our entire relationship, we had the same taxing job. It was emotional, it was physical. All the energy was drained out of us five days a week on the weekend. All we wanted to do was just nothing. We didn't want to do anything. And we were both fine with that kind of dynamic of just laying down, watching movies, maybe going to a hike here and there.

But now I left that job. I kind of drew back and now I have a retail job where it's just a little physical, but nothing too crazy. And now I have this mental energy and emotional energy to kind of spend it and just want do stuff or try to get out there and socialize because I've personally felt like I've had that missing for the longest time. And for me, I feel like there's that missing something. Our relationship is great. Finances are good. Household is fun. Honestly, everything about us and the four or five months that we've been married has been almost perfect.

And now this is the one thing that I'm starting to, I guess, feel lonely and in a way. That's the word. Yeah. I'm glad that you got there. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. And when I bring it up to her, I don't want to feel like she doesn't complete me because

she does. She's awesome. She's perfect in all the right ways. And having that conversation with her trying to figure that out, she's fully on board, but yet she has that particular thing when it comes down to meeting people and that social energy that takes a toll on her. Yeah. So let me challenge you.

okay and y'all can get off the phone with me and look at each other and be like that guy's an idiot okay y'all are free to do that um but maria doesn't complete you that's hollywood fiction yeah and she can be an amazing wife and an amazing friend and your ride or die partner forever and she can want to go to bed at eight o'clock and you want to go out at eight o'clock and there's always going to be that tension there. Okay. So the challenge, you're going to end up burying yourself and then she's going to be like the ultimate, she's going to pay the ultimate price for it, which is you say she's great,

wonderful, perfect, you complete me, you're the best thing ever. But I'm lonely inside my own house or worse, I'm lonely inside my own marriage. And what I want to tell you is that's okay. that is a problem that you and her sit on the same side of the table and that problem is on the other side of the table and y'all work together to find a solution against this different energy system y'all have because you're you're a few months away from the thoughts entering your head she's choosing this job over me and she's choosing sleep over me she's choosing to read a book instead of having sex she's choose like right and so

when you start to divvy it up like that, it makes it me versus her. And so stay on the same side of the table. There is no such thing as somebody completing you. And I think that's one of the hardest things, especially for young couples, because just the messaging we've got for the last 50 years is somebody will fill in every one of your gaps, and it's just not true.

And so I don't want to put anything on you, but let me tell you how this plays out in my house. there are some days, and I don't have another way to say it, there's some days I'm sad. Like I'm just sad, because my wife is zonked. And all I want to do in the world is go hang out with her.

Or, you know what, I'm going to reframe that. All I want in the world is her to hang out with me. And she does sometimes. And I also have that lingering. When she does, I have that lingering voice like, this is coming at a cost to her. And I don't ever want to be a burden to her, right?

Yeah. So I guess what I want to tell you is that tension's never going to go away. And that doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It just means y'all are different. And the paths forward for both of you is there's, A, going to be times that both of you choose not the most comfortable route for a greater good. And that's both of you. There's going to be times, Andrew, when you want to go out, you're just feeling itchy. Like, let's go do a thing.

and dude, I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. And there will be times Maria when you have a taxing day but not a wild day. And you're like, dude, it's 3 o'clock. I'm having a cup of coffee because we're going out tonight. And I'm going to feel uncomfortable, but I love this guy. And I think over time I can. Dot, dot, dot. And then, Andrew, there's going to be times when you're going to have to choose.

I wish she would be with me, but she's not. And so I'm going to go hang out and have a good time. And I always say this on the show. Go make good choices, but go have some fun. And Maria is going to go to bed and get her restorative sleep and decompress. And y'all are going to have to both decide we're not going to hold each other. We're not going to resent each other. Does that make sense?

And that's just hard. It's just as it is. in a perfect world, in a Hollywood world, somebody would complete us. So I threw a lot at you, Andrew and Maria. Push back on me or ask questions or say, I don't like that or whatever. What's going on in your heart and mind? Maria, me first, or yeah? You go ahead.

You go ahead. So we do, I think we are aligned with us kind of, this new stage in our life with this new, this new phase of me possibly going out and trying to do, go out, have fun, do the make the right choices. Even I'm trying to pick up a hobby here and there to kind of stay busy, have fun and try to find, yeah, exactly, try to figure that out. But yet, yes, there is that feeling of, I feel like I'm,

I'm leaving her behind or she's not a part of it or we're not spending enough time together. Even when we are together, she's exhausted or we're cuddled up in bed watching a movie doing the thing that we enjoy to do. But she's unwinding and I'm just there having, I'm hanging out while she's unwinding. And those days when I do have the energy to leave

and she's unwinding, it feels like I'm still not spending. There's that feeling of not being together, even though we are together. Am I making sense before? Yeah, it's, I'm almost certain to know the answer, but Maria, let me ask you, do you feel like if Andrew was to go out

and join a bowling league and start bowling, or he was going to go out and, I don't know, I don't know, start to go to the local chess club or whatever? would you feel like he's abandoning you? No. No, I wouldn't feel like he's abandoning me. I guess I guess I would want to be part of those hobbies. I just want to figure out how to also spend quality time.

Like all of my hobbies are at home. Yeah. His hobbies are out of the home. And so. And I'm, yeah. Do you, do you, like sometimes, social anxiety and like and I'm talking about clinical social anxiety plus exhaustion plus being a home body if you will plus like all that stuff in the word introvert gets thrown

around a lot all of that kind of gets it gets dumped into the same blender and so I want to pull it apart real quick do you do you want to want to go out or do you just it really don't want to. I don't. I do have social anxiety. You get it right on the head. Um, I, and I'm being treated for it. Okay. I'm under treatment and I, and I, and I have depression. And I'm being treated for that as well. Okay. But I've, I was raised, I guess, to not socialize and maybe that's what's stuck with me, but I just, I don't care to socialize. Okay. Well, and there's a difference between and I'm using, I'm being careful with my words here. There is, I don't want to, but I want to want to.

Because the path through social anxiety is exposure, right? I'm going to slowly introduce myself to social situations. Not, I'm not going to go to giant parties and where everyone, I'm on display, but I'm going to go to a dinner with three friends. And then I'm going to, I'm going to feel how that feels. And I'm going to feel how drained it I am. But also, I'm going to be. honest about, do that kind of felt good. I had good conversations. And so there is a practicing, but then there's the, I don't have any interest. Like, I just have no desire. I don't even want

to want to. You get what I'm saying? Yes. And so it sounds like you grew up in a certain way, you're being treated for multiple pathologies. The path forward, the treatment path, either now or eventually with your mental health professional is exposure. I'm going to go do a thing even though my body's saying I quote unquote feel like not doing it. I know the right thing is to go do it. Kind of like this morning. I woke up and I didn't feel like running, but I'd made a commitment to myself. So I'm going to go do it.

And I'll tell you what, on the back end, I felt like a million bucks, right? But man, I sure didn't feel like it. And so I didn't want to run, but I wanted to want to run. so I'm going to go run. You get what I'm saying? Yes. The challenge for you, Andrew, and I'm telling you, man, if I can save you 15 years of your marriage, like for me, I took it all personally. You get what I'm saying?

Yeah. And that still sneaks up on it. And what I mean by that is if Maria doesn't want to go out one night or she's just wiped or she's had a really rough day at work and just her anxiety alarms are ringing off the hook that particular day, you can choose, and this is not a feeling choice, because feelings are going to do what feelings do, it's an intellectual choice. It's a next right action choice. You can choose to not take it as Maria is rejecting Andrew. You can choose to say, Maria is choosing to take care of herself so tomorrow she can be the best version of herself, and that really bums me out,

because I wanted to be with her tonight. And then you go choose the next right action for you. And that could be you scrolling YouTube clips until 2 a.m. And that's going to be a disaster. Or you could just say, okay, cool, I'm going to call it a night. Even though I want to go out, I'm going to call it a night. And I'm going to get some good sleep. So I'll be my best self.

Or you say, man, I'm going to go to my chess club or my Dungeons and Dragons Club or whatever tonight. And I'm going to miss my wife. But I'm glad that she's taking care of herself. You get to choose that story. Does that make sense? And I want to tell you, I spent 15 years. with my shoulders slumped and my head bending

like just looking at the floor walking out of my house to go hang out with some of my knuckleheaded buddies heartbroken and it took a long time for me to realize and by the way it still pops up sometimes I'm just being honest that it wasn't about me

it was about my wife trying to take care of herself you know what I'm saying? Yeah and I think what I'm kind of nervous about If I was to go take those actions and work through that, I guess the fear would be that I'm working to myself, but then also we find ourselves kind of doing our own separate thing and not finding time for each other.

I don't think those are mutually exclusive. Like if you listen to my show a lot, you know I love going to hang out at the comedy club. I just hang out there, whether I'm performing or not. that's like that's like nails on a chalkboard for my wife and she likes to be by herself writing her next novel or writing poetry or reading

about ancient whatever stuff and alone out in her garden and I like doing that stuff too but for like 15 minutes right and so what you have to be able to parse apart is I'm going to go do my thing

so that, or let me put it this way, I'm going to be in service to myself, both of you, so that my cup is so full that I can be completely in service to the other person. And so Maria, if you're unplugging from the world

is, that's the end, that is, that's the end. I'm not unplugging so that I can refill my battery and love Andrew to the moon and back, but I'm just unplugging to unplug. And unplugging means I unplug from him too. Then that's going to cause problems down the road. If I'm going to unplug and I'm going to keep

going to treatment so that I feel my best self so that I can give my entire self away to this man that I promised my life to, man, now you're talking about a ride-or-dye marriage. And Andrew, if you go a couple nights a week and go hang out with your buddies and go learn new hobbies and stuff, so that you can plug fully back into your house, plug into Maria, man, that's awesome. But you'll have to be intentional about together time in addition to intentional about the things that restore each other. Y'all both sound like you're pretty awesome.

Thank you. I think we both think we're both awesome. I like the fact that you both are working on yourselves. What I want to add to that is, We're both working on ourselves so that we can be the best version of ourselves for each other. We're doing our best. And your show has helped a lot. Well, I appreciate that.

I mean, I'm just a goofball with a microphone. Y'all are actually doing the work in real life. Y'all are actually putting the time and the energy in. And by the way, y'all are four or five months into this marriage. Don't put so much pressure on it. Y'all have never done this before. Y'all are practicing. You're just finding your way through it.

And Maria, you may have never had a guy like always. there, right? And Andrew, you may have had this dream about when we get married every night. It's just not reality. It's not how it's going to play. So just stay patient with each other and keep coming back to the table. I've got, I will send it to you directly. And for everybody listening, once a week, I want every couple to get together and just say, how are we doing? What are we got coming up this week? Can we put time together on the calendar? If we're busy, can we put sex on the calendar? can we go ahead and run through what this week is going to cost us with groceries or we got this dinner with family or whatever how are we feeling and i got a PDF that um is the guy it's the

same it's basically the same meeting that me and my wife have every week we've had for years um but it's in the show we'll click the link in the show notes if you want to get that PDF and Andrew Maria i'll send it directly to you and Andrew Maria i'll also send you the together app as my gift for your new marriage um and it will have a help you guys come together one action step at a time. Keep putting the work in on yourself so that you all can give your entire selves away to each other. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, a man asks how to stop compulsively lying to others and become a genuinely honest person. We'll be right back. I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing

called life. And life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time. And we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life. So why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest? This is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis so I can feel better in my own skin. And this, is why I'm a huge fan of Joy and Bloaks. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms, and Joy and Blocks is most excellent.

I strongly encourage you to check them out. They start you with a very comprehensive blood test that will give you real data about what's going on in your body, why you're feeling, how you're feeling, but it doesn't stop there. Joy and Blocks pairs you with a clinician who reviews your results, helps you create a personalized plan, and this is key.

They walk alongside you while you take action. whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes or a supplement tweak or a much more comprehensive treatment plan, everything can be prescribed and managed through Joy and Blocks. Joy and Blocks is for men and women who want to take ownership of their health and live the best life possible. Go to Joy andblokes.com slash Deloni and get 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J-O-I and B-L-O-K-E-S. Joy &Bloaks.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to Cincinnati, Ohio, and talk to Aaron. Hey, Aaron, what's up, man?

Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? I'm all right, brother. How are you? Oh, I'm doing great. What's up? Yeah, so my question, just looking for help, creating a roadmap for myself to quit compulsively lying to others, just work on a sense of integrity for myself. Dude, I love that question, man.

Where does that question come from? Tell me about yourself. Yeah, so I definitely value, you know, being honest to others and upholding my values. It just seems like I have a hard time putting that into practice. For instance, it's like it's not the big things in life that I'm lying about, but it's just all these small details and kind of exaggerating achievements. things like that. What is it about you that you don't like?

I think, I don't know. I think I'm just disgusted with the behavior, to be honest. No, no, no, deeper than that. Let's reframe it for a second. Lying works. Lying has served a role in your life. And so if we look at lying as a thing that's been working for you, what has it been wallpapering over?

how has it been helping you not deal with reality? Yes, I think, I think if I look a little bit deeper, I guess lying has, you know, helped me be revered more in the eyes of others and get a sense of like a pat on the back, just people thinking I don't know more of somebody that has higher achievement levels than somebody that doesn't right

so I think when it comes down to it it's about the acceptance I don't think it's about acceptance it's about you when you're in the presence of somebody else or an organization or a group you instantly feel yourself not as peers with them but you feel less than.

And lying helps you. It works. It helps you reestablish your standing within your own chest among a group of other people. And so my question is, what is it about you that you feel less than when you're in the presence of others? I think, yeah, I just, I don't,

not proud of myself. Why? I don't feel a, I just don't make enough money. You don't have enough abs. You've had acne when you're a kid. Like, what is it? What do you, you get what I'm saying?

I want to get down to the root of the question. Yeah, I think it's kind of all the above. Oh, I was just making stuff up. It's right there. Yeah, it's like, you know, for instance, I ran a marathon early this year and I finished in three hours, 55 minutes. You know, people ask me how. I was going.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I was, I finished in three, three minutes or three hours in 35 minutes, I guess just to have people be more impressed. And yeah, like, like you said, I think it comes from a place of me not loving myself or feeling less than other people for. Yes, it's not even love. It's this, it's a vicious loop. I'm going to go run a marathon. which is awesome and laudable and cool, right?

But underneath that, then there's the, I'm going to break four minutes. And then underneath that is this myth, this fantasy, that then I'll be okay with me. And to 99.999% of the world, completing a marathon, much less breaking four, is pretty dang impressive. And so there's, I mean, if you, like,

DNA, if you didn't, if you didn't finish, or you ran it in 32 hours, right? And you'd been hyping yourself up talking trash all week. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm, right? And it didn't. Lying's still not okay, but I get it. Right? Because there's, like, I'm trying to save myself from embarrassment. It's not they don't like myself. It was like, I put in a poor performance and I don't people that know. That's not what happened here. It's somewhere at the bottom of the line you didn't run this marathon for yourself. You ran it because you want to make sure other people might like you a little bit more. I think you're right. Yeah, I guess I've struggled with the self-image and, you know, putting myself on a lower status than other people, basically for as long as I can

remember. And that's... So let me tell you the war you're going to have to fight, man. It is being next to others, feeling less than. Like, recognizing, oh, there's a feeling here. Distancing yourself from that feeling. And continuing to stand right there. Another word for it is ownership.

Right. And I wish there was another way around it. It's a practice. it's it's recognizing oh my body's doing a thing it's trying to protect me i don't need protecting right now i'm good yeah and i that's probably going to spend some time with a therapist because lying works man it just does and then it ends up you end up it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because nobody wants to hang out with you yeah and i you don't want you don't want to hang out with you right yeah i've i've seen that kind of uh come to fruition throughout my life it's it's

seems like it's hard for me to have close friendships. But do you see how the very thing you do to try to facilitate friendships, it ends up burning them even more. Right. Very few of my friends could run a marathon. They're just not healthy guys, right? I would much rather have friends that never even considered running a marathon. Or if you said, hey, you should run a marathon in their first thought was, that's stupid.

I'd much rather have that friend. I'd much rather have a friend with acne scars. I'd much rather have a friend who doesn't make very much money than a friend who isn't honest about it. Right? And so if you are worried about your standing in the world and you're worried about feeling less than others and it's not worry, like, I'm just worrying about AI.

It's not that, this is in your body. I feel less than. So I'm going to inflate it. What you're going to confirm is people are going to back away from you, not return your calls, not want to hire you. And it's going to be, I told you so. See how this just becomes a sick circle, man. Yeah, it's a vicious loop for sure.

So I'll give you a path out, but it's uncomfortable, okay? Yeah, I'm fine with that. I'm ready to change for sure. Okay, ready. It's going to sound so simple and you're going to get annoyed with me. But that's all right. Number one, never, ever lie again, period. Number two, when you do, in that same sentence slash conversation,

catch yourself and fix it right there. Yeah, dude, I've been at 335. Wow, that's amazing. No, no, no, no, no, not 335, 35, I'm sorry. I'm going to correct it right there. Right. I am going to never I'm going to feel it

I'm going to feel uncomfortable I'm going to feel less than dude I heard you read a marathon but yeah dude I crushed it dude I didn't crush it I didn't finish it I didn't finish oh seriously

no didn't finish dude that sucks let's go get a hot dog that's what will happen you know what I'm saying but you have to sit in that pocket through that daily kind of practice

I will never lie again Yeah, making that commitment And it comes from The first thing you have to reestablish is your identity I am a man who never lies And that means when someone's like Dude, did you like my band? Nope

Right I saw y'all work really hard Or that was fun Yeah, but were we good? It's not my thing, man Right, you'll get You'll get better at telling the truth but I am a man who never lies, period.

And that means I'm going to weather all of the discomfort living into that new identity. And then if this is a lifelong war, you're going to have to sit down with a mental health professional, with a therapist, a counselor, or getting a group and be honest with yourself about the stories other people told you at a younger age that became your stories over time

as to why you think you, think you don't deserve to walk and breathe the same air that everybody else does? Yeah, I think when I was younger, I just saw a lot of praise in the things that I was able to accomplish, you know, from parents and coaches and things like that. And like you said, lying easy and it works. So yeah, it just became ingrained in me to speak the praise rather than, uphold my integrity, unfortunately. So cool.

Instead of carrying that around with you for the rest of your life, put a period into that sentence. How old are you? Yeah, 29. Great, cool. Today's day one. Yes, sir. Right?

Like, I'll never lie again. This has been my way of being since I was this many years old. And by the way, if people praised you for the things you did, that means they also withdrew connection from you as a young kid when you didn't do things. Yeah. And it's often we look at what we're seeking, got reinforced, but it's often what was taken away. That's the real pain. It's not that I got an extra add-a-boy when I ran really faster on the track.

It's that I got that disgusted look from dad when I didn't. Right. that's the true hurt here. Yeah, and I guess, because my wife and I just welcomed our first son six weeks ago. Hell yeah, dude. Congratulations and perfect time. Right.

Just start new. Yeah, I think it's like you always say, you know, we're starting a new marriage, and I want to start off on a better foot that I can be more proud of in the long run. Okay, so does your wife know about this? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Are there things that you need to sit down and tell her? Nothing big. Nothing big. I mean, it's small things that, especially to her, like, did you do dishes? Oh, yeah, I did those. You know, make sure I just get them done before she gets back from work or something like that. Nope, it's not even that. None of the big.

It's not that. It's not that, Aaron. That's not the problem here. The problem here is when she said, hey, did you do the dishes? and you didn't, that you feel that sense of, dang it, I should have. Right. And you say, no, I didn't.

I'll get him done. And then she and her postpartum exhaustion gets mad at you and you weather that because that's a right response if you said you were going to do it. Yeah. Right? That's the healing.

But otherwise, you're just trying to avoid the uncomfortable situation yet again. Now, if you said, I'm going to do this today, then yes, being a person of integrity is I'm going to figure how to get that done. And if I don't, I'm going to look her in the eye and say, I mess this up. Yeah. And if she's on board with this, I want you, if y'all both treat it like sobriety, then give her permission when she feels that wasn't exactly true to call it out. I need the, need the accountability. Not her verse you, but her with you.

Right. Because we have a house where nobody is dishonest. You want to be really silly? Not silly. You want to be really like put it all the way on the sidewalk here. Once a week, you all have like in your weekly, how's our week going? How are we doing? How's this new marriage we're building?

How's it working? Have a time when she can say, is there anything that you exaggerated this week? And you're like, yep, I'm not going to get a 3% raise. I'm going to get a 2.2% raise. actually I didn't go to the store all right like have you know that's coming

and all of that will be hurdles to keep you from lying in the first place because as of today your independence day day one you are a man who never lies I want you to hold your wife's hand

and commit I'm going to go see somebody I'm going to talk to somebody because at the root of all of this is a man who doesn't like himself not like I need self-love not dude I'm a guy who doesn't like himself and my kid our kid will never have that feeling

and that means I got work to do as a dad so I'm going to celebrate you brother day one congratulations on your new adventure walking through the world as a man who puts his head up high throws his shoulder back and says I'm worth breathing the same air as everybody no matter what money how much money I make

I'm worth breathing the same air as everybody I'm a dad I'm a husband and I'm a man who you can count on, to be honest with you. And if I mess up, man, you better damn well know I'm going to call it out. I'm going to say I messed up. I'm going to correct it right there. And we're all going to be awkward then. I'm proud of you.

Go get it, man. I would love it. Aaron, it would be an honor to me if you call back in 30 days. Let me know how you're going. We'll do a 30-day celebration for you, brother. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This summer has been a wonderful.

wild one for me. I've been to eight different states visiting several states more than once. I made a 40-hour round-trip drive across the country, and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee. The two constants in all this madness is, number one, I love traveling across the country and meeting new people. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is when I get home and I snuggle into my own. bed. And that great, amazing sleep starts with my amazing beloved mattress, my Helix Midnight Lux mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. My family, my friends, everyone around me is starting to sleep on Helix mattresses, mainly because I won't shut up about

how great they are, even when the cameras and the lights are off. Helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it. It takes like two minutes, and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. And they've got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers too.

A Helix mattress will change your life for the better. Their best savings of the season are happening right now. Go to helixleip.com slash Deloni for their best of the web office. and get 27% off sitewide. That's 27% off site wide at Helix H-E-L-I-X, HelixSleep.com slash Deloni. With Helix Better Sleep starts right now. All right, Kelly.

Something cool happening. What is it? Yes. So a while back, we had an Am I the Problem guy that emailed in about letting us two sons play Grand Theft Auto. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and because it was the only time they could get along. And so he was like, is this really a bad thing?

All right. And I for sure said yes. Yes, we agreed. I think we all agreed overwhelmingly. My kids are quiet when they watch porn. Can I just let it? Jeez. Yes, okay.

So this is from Joe in South Bend, Indiana. And he writes, I'm the one who asked if it was wrong for letting my two boys play GTA, because when they did, they got along. You liked my question so much, you answered it twice. How so? He says we answered it on two different shows. Anyway.

Wow, there's Kelly producing the show to her, the best of her ability. Uh-huh. And you hosting it clearly no idea that you... I hope I gave the same answer. You know how many different shows I'm doing a day? I hope I gave the same answer both times. He didn't say. That'd be hilarious.

Well, he said you were more understanding of it. See, he has us doing it a year apart. I don't keep them that long. anyway, but he said you were more understanding of it the first time. Oh, well, maybe he's been playing too much grand theft auto. His brain is mush. Anyway, in his first response, John said my kids had shown that they could get along, so I needed to be intentional about situations that I put them in.

I took that to heart, and I became the leader in their Boy Scout troop. I now have them work on their merit badges together. We go fishing and other activities, and things have improved big time. They can still fight, but the good interactions between them are starting to balance the bat. P.S. I, I too am an old punk rock guy. Since I know John likes the descendants, I guess I can tell him that I've answered Milo's question. What will it be like when I get old? Nice. And the answer is, things are pretty damn great. That's awesome. I'm assuming you know what that means. Yes. Great. That's one of, that's one of the famous descendants lines.

who, by the way, are opening up for social distortion here in Nashville. If you don't think I'm not going to be on the front row of that show without a shirt on, you are mistaken. I will not be anywhere in the vicinity. Well, you kept my... I was going to say you kept my shirt on the last time, but it won't take itself off. I'm taking it off this time. The strike, it just...

They just have a thing about them. But I'm going in full. Now, that's awesome, dude. And hey, here's the magic here. this this this was named joe joe chose to be more tired because i know that guy works hard he's got two young kids he's married he's got a house and he chose and it's so much easier just to hand the kids a controller and say they like this they're fine and this guy said i'm going to be extra exhausted i'm going to get more involved we're going to do things together even though everything is pushing

against that and the kids are the beneficiary and by the way so is he it's all Awesome. All right, so we'll answer this question again in the three or four weeks. We'll just keep running this one back. No, apparently it's a once a year thing. Once a year thing. Yeah. All right. So sometime in 27. All right. Joe, I'm the one. Another descendants line. Bye.