The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “My Fiancé Thinks I’m a Sex Fiend”

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

📋 Weekly Rundown (your weekly marriage check-in)   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose intimate desires don’t align with her fiancé’s   A son grappling with the effects of his dad’s financial and relational decisions A woman wondering if she should hold her homeless ex accountable   Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to Churchillmortgage.com. My fiance and I have a big mismatch in libido, kind of at a point where I'm wondering, is this just incompatibility or do I need to take the next right step, as you like to say? Where else are you all mismatched? Everywhere.

What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life for the last, golly, man, more than two decades. Now I've been doing this a long time sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move in your life. If you want to be on this call, I would love to have, on this show, not on this call, but if you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you on. click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this show

or watching this show and it will send you to a form that will go right to Kelly and she will get you on the show. So go to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Leah. What's up, Leah? Hi, Dr. John.

Thanks so much for taking my call. You got it. What's going on? Yeah, so I had a question I've listening to you for years but my question today is my fiance and I have a big mismatch in libido. It's been going on for a few years now, and I'm kind of at a point where I'm wondering, is this just incompatibility or is it something we can work through, or do I need to, you know, take the next right step, as you like to say.

Which would be what? Exiting the relationship. Okay. Are you there? I don't know. Okay. What does, before we get into the actual libido conversation, um, What does, where else are you all mismatched?

I knew you would ask that. Everywhere. Tell me about it. Do me favor. Do me favor. Do me favor. Do me favor. I can feel it all in you.

Okay? Yeah. Take a big as deep breath as you possibly can. Hold it for five, four, three, two. We're good, okay? Yes. All right. Okay, so tell me about it.

Were you all sideways? What we want our future to look like, honestly. Values around religion. I'd love to have a family. I, you know, he's tried to get there, but he's not. He's older than me. He's 48. I'm 36 times ticking for me.

And I think those are, you know, the biggest ones. obviously I've listened to you guys for years, you know, money or, you know, we're pretty aligned. But I think just how we want our future to look, I'd like to find meaning and fulfillment. And I know necessarily that doesn't need to mean I need to be a mom to do that. And I can find that in other ways. But I don't feel that he and I are building anything together. There it is right there. How long have you been together?

Four and a half years. But we've known each other for 11 years. For how many years have you been pouring money in a sunk cost fallacy? I would say two and a half years that I'm willing to admit. Okay. So where you happen to be right now has nothing to do with sex. And you knew that before you called. Yeah.

I think I've been trying to convince myself that if he could at least get on the same page with that, I could feel like I'm not so alone. Yeah. Which if you pan back, how I heard you say that is, if I can find a way to squash part of myself yet again, then I won't be alone. I think you're worth more than that. Because there's a difference building something together requires both people to put in both hands, right? And there's compromise, there's negotiation, there's I love you, so yeah, I'm not super into this movie or I wasn't. super feeling like having sex tonight but I'm every time you're safe and every time I do it I'm

never sad that I did it so yeah let's do it like you negotiate those things over the course of a marriage um but one of you doesn't squash themselves in order to feel like I've got value enough to sit at the table and I with all my guts do not take lightly the other side of this for you the Can I just be super blunt? Is that okay? Please, yes. I wouldn't be this blunt this quickly if we were just, if I just met you and we were sitting down doing this in person, okay?

I don't take lightly. In fact, it breaks my heart with you. The thought of you ending this and being 36 and a half years old, waking up in your home or in your apartment. With that free feeling, that exhale, but also that, oh, God, right? That untethered feeling. That's terrifying.

It's horrifying. Yeah. And, you know, I've been married once before. I know I'm going to be just fine. I'm not necessarily worried about that piece. If I'm, like, real with myself, I think it's more, you know, I saw a life with him and, you know, I've poured a lot of myself into this relationship and to try to make it work.

And should I just accept a new reality and find happiness with what I have versus letting it all go to try to find this thing that I think might make me happy or might be fulfilled? And perhaps it's not even something that I'm ever going to find, if that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, there's a scarcity piece of that. that's that's always looming, right? Right. Should I stay in this crappy job that's killing me slowly, that I have to be a totally different person

just to walk in the door, right? We all have to wear a uniform to work and we all have to do those kind of things, but like this job's killing me, but there may never be another job ever, right? So I get the thought process there. It's almost never reality, but I get that sentiment, right?

the the the the the the the the the the the pushback i'll give you is you're not you're not aligned on the things that make you who you are so what you're trying to do is you're trying to take part of an argument and make it and try to make it apply to a part where it doesn't fit here's here's what i mean in plain speak my wife and i both have shared values we both value we both value hospitality. We value some sort of relationship with the divine, which by the way, we don't believe the same stuff most of the time. We value not owning you by any money,

which means we value freedom. We value curiosity and artistic expression. And she likes to go to bed. She needs to go to bed, quite honestly, biologically. She needs to go to bed at about 9 o'clock, 8.30. that's right when I like to wake up from a nap and spend the next six hours running around town. And so because I'm anchored into somebody

that we have the same, we both wanted kids, we both wanted a bunch of kids, we both wanted a family. Like we had those same anchor points. And so a lot of nights, I don't go out. I stay at home. And I have to get a full night of sleep and feel great the next day. Whatever, right?

Like, whatever. And last night, this is a big deal for us. People might roll their eyes at this. She stayed up to 11 o'clock with me. Yesterday was a rough day for me. And I was like, you know what I really want? I want to watch a couple of dumb shows and just stay up too late. And she's like, I'm in.

And so when it comes to should I just give up this part of my life or for that part of my life? Yeah, and the small stuff and the trivial stuff and sometimes. And yeah, of course. That's part of being in a relationship with somebody. But, man, I would never. recommend somebody give up things that truly deeply matter to them. And I can hear you already using cultural language to try to talk you out of the thing that you want the most, which is a family. Yeah. Fria, India, she's a writer. She works with Jonathan Hyatt and his team. She's a, she's a,

she's a really brilliant thinker. She comes at things in a different way, but she wrote an essay a few months ago that just stopped me in my tracks. And essentially she was talking about our culture has said the only thing you can be committed to is yourself. And if you are committed to having a family, if you're committed to a partner, if you're committed to a job, people call you stupid. The only thing you should be committed to is having multiple options. The only thing you should be committed to is, you get what I'm saying? So I want you to anchor into this, be willing to risk the grief of it not happening to say, I really want a family. I want to be a mom. And I want to ride or die husband who's a great husband too. And if you say it out loud and you etch it into stone,

then there's a risk on the other side of it. It doesn't come true. And I'm going to be fully, I'm going to be engulfed in grief there. But I don't want to hedge that future might not happen by just slowly suffocating my way along the way in the present. You get what I'm saying? Yes. So you sound like you're pretty thoughtful and you're pretty smart. In fact, you sound real smart. I play smart on the internets, but I can always tell when somebody's smarter than me, and you are. What is trapped you here?

Let me put this way. You sound like somebody who makes very confident decisions in your day in and day out life, and almost you're as perplexed by your decision in this situation as I am. am. Is that ring true or no? Yes. 100%. I think part of it is my mid-20s when I met him. We used to work together. I was madly in love with him. He was, you know, in his late 30s at that time. He wanted nothing to do with me as far as relationally. But we did have a hookup relationship that went on for about two years. And then when I turned 28, I realized he wasn't going to give me what wanted and I ended it.

And then that's when I found my first husband and got married and that ended very quickly. And I think it's the, I think it's the 25-year-old me that had this dream of the life that I saw with him that I thought I finally was going to have. And I don't know. I think I'm still holding on that part of me saying, you're the one who really wanted this with him. now you have him and you're so unhappy. But you don't have him. You don't have them.

I know. You have that. I feel like I give this recommendation all the time. I want you when we get off the, not right when we get off, but sometime soon, I want you to write 25-year-old you a letter, a handwritten letter. And let that girl off the hook because she's, her shadow is cast over the course of your life. Yeah. The free, fun, beautiful, smart. met this older guy who's kind of like seen the world and he's exciting

and he's just dangling carrots out there but you can't quite grab like man that's 25 right yeah and here you are at 36 still chasing that smoke and that's all it is is smoke has this guy lied to you as he changed his story on you has he promised you one thing and then given you another or has he been pretty consistent since you were young this is kind of who I am man Yeah, he's definitely been pretty consistent. I think that when we reconnected about five years ago, he was very apologetic and said that he wants to get this like a real go.

But he was always pretty upfront that he was not looking to have a family. And right out of my divorce, I wasn't either. But I think, you know, I think how women are naturally wired you are with a guy. And he truly is very sweet to me, very special. thoughtful. He's not some like a whole. I don't know if I can swear, but, um, you know, all the things my ex-husband wasn't, he is. And, you know, that's always kind of the mistake we make is you get out of one relationship. You were star for one thing. The next guy's got it and you forget about everything else that matters. But about two years ago, I came to him and I said, things have changed for me.

Like, I don't see my life without a family. And it's because of you. Like, I think you'd be a wonderful father and you're the kind of person I would want to raise a family with. And he said he needed some time to get there. And I do believe that he genuinely has been trying to. He's typically not the kind person's going to say one thing. And then behind my back, no, thinking there's no way I'm going to get there. But I just don't think he can get there. And I think I've been waiting too long. Let's do a weird exercise. If you had to, and this might be hard, if there was a Venn diagram, of your husband, your ex, and this guy. Where do they overlap in the middle?

Very much, like, not a go-getter in their personal life, if that makes sense. Like, at work, he's incredibly successful. Your ex was too? My ex at work was honestly the same at work as outside of work, not a go-getter. Okay. I was always the one driving everything. Like, we need to get out of debt. We need to do this.

I want a family. Like, you know, it was always me. And I do see that with him, too. If I'm not the one bringing things up, if I'm not the one pushing for things, he's very happy to just go to work, come home, watch the World Cup, scroll X, golf, and do that every day. Okay, so is it that you strangely married or strangely dating the exact same guy just with different clothes in a different world? Yes Okay

That light bulb Should resonate deeply with you It does And I know that sucks Yeah And the only I feel like the only thing useful I could tell you right now

Is The temptation will be to look back On the last five years And say you wasted them I don't think you did If at 36 your eyes are opened And you can see the world As it truly is

Like you unplug yourself from the first matrix and you're like oh this is this is a person that I'm drawn to maybe it's how my dad was maybe it's how my mom was maybe it's like it's the natural iteration of the energy I bring to a relationship I can see now and I can also see that this is not what I want moving forward so I'm going to have to practice relationship in a different way and it's going to it might feel uncomfortable at first it might even feel not attractive at first but there's something else I'm looking for which is Y or Z. If you can look back at 36 and say, my eyes are open, I wish the 25 year old me had got it, but not many of us were thinking with their head straight when we were 25, right?

Right. I can't tell you what to do next. I can tell you I think you're worth living a whole life where somebody's aligned with you and their values and they are putting as much of themselves on the table as you are. I think you're worth that. And strangely, I think, I mean, not strangely, I think he's worth that too. I think he's been very much. pretty clear. Yes. And that sounds like it stinks for both of you.

And also, I think part of being in a relationship, especially long term, is sometimes people's values change. And part of the relationship is navigating those changes together. I think culture would say, then it's just over, right? It's run its course or whatever stupid line. we get from Hollywood but I think part of changing together is hey I initially didn't want kids I was fully aligned with you and over the last two years like the way you said that was so poetic it was beautiful watching you makes me want to change my life with you like you having the courage to

say that in that way it's amazing and part of being in her marriage is being like okay the person I'm with is now different. I've got to get to know them. I've got to get to know myself. I've got to reimagine our world together. But the whole thing is we're doing this thing together. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think I've just felt very alone for a long time.

Yeah. Probably for a long, long, long time. Mm-hmm. Not just two and a half years. It's probably for a long long time, right? Yes. Yeah. You're worth not being alone anymore.

Thank you, Dr. Sean. Thanks for a call. I wish I had some, uh, I wish I, could like then like throw fireworks or confetti or something um this is one of those hard truth calls thanks for being honest and for being brave appreciate you calling um i think your bravery is going to help a lot of people because i hear this i have this conversation behind closed doors a lot thank you so much for the call all right we come back a man asks how to convince his dad he's being scammed by an online romance without pushing him away we'll be right back

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Yeah. Bro, this is happening all over the country. Yeah, it's rough. How much is he in financially? He won't disclose that I guarantee you it's a lot Yeah Three years is a long time for them to hang on

That means they're getting paid handsomely Yeah Oh my gosh dude I'm so sorry I appreciate it Never never met this person Obviously face to face No not at all Yeah he divorced my mother after 43 years

Over it Over this new relationship that he thinks he has Oh, oh, he got divorced over an, oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. So now there's a super sunk cost fallacy. Now this thing has to work because he blew his whole life up for it too. Yeah.

This isn't just like a lonely 70-year-old who's like, whose heartstrings are getting tugged. This is a guy who blew his whole life to smithereens for something. And so this has to be right. Yeah. and getting him to talk about it is pulling teeth. I mean, for the first year, he wouldn't talk about it. I knew that something was going on, and he just would say, hey, I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

I put up, I established with him, hey, I'm not, you know, I don't want to speak to you until you're ready to be honest and talk about things with me. Finally got him to talk about it last year, and I approached it with curiosity, let him tell me all about this relationship. And afterwards, I said, Dad, I think that you're being scammed out of your money. I don't think that this person is real and tried to walk through that with him. And he said, well, let me, you know, let me think about that. And then every time after that I tried to broach the subject, he just, you know, put a barrier up and said,

no, I'm not willing to talk about this with you anymore. he blocked my number, cut me off on social media, that type of stuff. And so my older sister lives in the same area as he, and we're both aligned on what's going on, but it's just incredibly hard. And I've been talking to my therapist for over a year about this, and I recognize how much I can't control around this situation. But it's still hard every single day feeling like, like someone should be able to save this situation

to be able to rescue this, you know, person or whatever. So y'all are not in contact at all with each other anymore? He's cut you off? We have been in contact over the last couple of months. Primarily just because I'm willing to not talk about the subject anymore. Sure, okay. So that was, yeah. What is, this can sound like a strange question.

What's his financial position? Is he well off? or is he going to be homeless at the end of this deal? Yeah, he's not well off. Yeah, like my family, my folks are public school teachers. Yeah, so that's what it is. So I don't have a great answer for you. Your therapist has given you a great therapy answer.

You can control what you can control, right? And it's hard, like that's the reality, and it's hard when you're watching a, slow moving train wreck and you know how this ends it ends with him either in a homeless shelter or living with you right or maybe your sister right that's how this ends you know that you know that how the story wraps up and not only that it will be a shamed shell of a of a of the man you used to know as your dad right so you can see that coming so i get the control what you can control that's the right therapeutic answer i get it and i'm going to tell you what i would do in my life okay this is one of the

moments I would get on an airplane with some the statistics that show the billions of dollars that these online scam romances are causing and I would put it in front of him and say I know you're a smart man and I also know your heartbroken and I'm watching my dad go away and here's why I would do that I would need to look myself in the mirror and know I went and climbed into the ring and took the biggest swing I could we're not talking over social media we're not talking over phone, we're not talking over text. I flew to your house and sat in your living room because I love you that much. Almost think of it like a like an addiction intervention. Exactly. I'm willing to burn

our relationship to the ground in order to save your life. Yeah. I have, yeah, I have felt that way. The first time I got him to talk to me about it, I felt that way. I felt like this is it, you know, like I felt, it felt like very much like an intervention. And I, I absolutely agree with you, that's how I feel every single day. So, so if it, and you may even know 99.99% chance he's going to say to get out of my house. But here's the question I always ask myself in these, these, these basically winless situations. What kind of man do I want to show up as in this moment, right? yesterday I was driving home from the office

and I was weaving through a neighborhood and there's just kind of a janky turn and I was driving my truck through there. I had a green light. Well, this older guy who was driving who I instantly made up a million stories about him, he wasn't paying attention and he laid on the horn on me

and I just had a rough day yesterday. And dude, it was like old John, like back in my 20s. I almost came unglued. and it was this weird like I started to slow down like I'm going to back my car like it was like old school John and it was that quick question who are you going to be right now and you grip the wheel a little tighter then you let go and you just drive on home and so like the question I would ask you is the man the story that you tell yourself about the man you are is that a guy that would go down swinging for those he loves probably yes or you wouldn't be calling me right? Yeah. And so what can I do in that moment?

I'm going to walk and knock on your door and say, I love you enough to say. I'm scared for you. And if he says, get out. I don't love you. Say, okay, when this thing falls apart, me and sister have already talked, you can live with one.

I mean, go ahead and tell him. We already know the plan. And maybe that will be the, oh, I'm going to end up living in my son's basement because I'll have nowhere to go. But at the end of the day, I mean, the truth about what your therapist told you is right

yeah it's i i cannot tell you how many calls i've taken on the rams show the other show that i that i co-host of kids just watching their parents get scammed out of just untold millions and billions of dollars and they're just having to watch it happen and unless there is um you know unless they are incompetent and a judge will take away their civil rights, you just got to watch it happen. And it's, it's, it's one of the most gross, heartbreaking things. I mean, I guess if you could find out what her,

this, this fake person's contact info, you could turn over the authorities. Maybe they could, I don't know, but who knows, man. Yeah. Well, I appreciate that advice. I'm just telling you, this is one of those weird situations. I'm just telling you what I would do if it was me. And then I'm not saying that's right or wrong. I'm just telling you my impulse would be,

I'm going to knock on your door. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's, uh, that's always been my impulse. And it's why we haven't spoken, you know, a lot over the last couple of years because I've been the person who has said, we've got to face this, we've got to talk about this. Yeah. And my fear for your dad is, like, these fake online romances have a,

is this person's not in the States, are they? No. Yeah, of course. So these have an arc to them. and the fact that it's going on for three years tells me it makes me concerned he signed his pension over it makes me concern he's taking out life insurance policies it's made me because they're not going to hang around for three years

on social security and a in a pittance of a public school teacher's retirement monthly deposit right that means there's there's something else happening whether he's taking out massive loans I've heard of second mortgage I've heard of anything you can imagine I've heard of people cashing things out and taking in extreme amounts of debt

in order to fund these heartbreaking scam romances. Yeah, it's bad and it's hard to tell he won't give us a number on how much he spent with his 95-year-old mother is alive and it's hard to think about like, is he burning through her? Right, exactly. And so you could probably find out if there was a second mortgage on his home or on your 95-year-old grandmother's home. You could probably find that out. I've been open with her and that was a part of a barrier when he told me we didn't want to talk

about it anymore. I said, well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to tell every single family member. And so I told her and she had some suspicions anyway. So she's a where we talk all the time. And so I try to be diligent in that way. Well, if she would share her Social Security number with you, you could run a credit report on you and see if he's pulled out loans or mortgages or credit cards in her name with her number. Yeah, that's a great point.

Unfortunately, happens all the time. Right. And I would probably put a block on yours and your mothers and your sisters. I mean, they'll have to do it their own because they're adults, but I would put a hold on all of our credit reports. that way somebody with our social security number can't open a new credit line without our permission. That's great advice. But man, hate this for you, dude. I hate it.

Thank you. Thanks for having the courage to call, man. This is happening everywhere all over the country. And aging parents are just getting sucked down the rabbit hole of AI and scams and Internet conspiracy. It's just heartbreaking to watch. and there's not a lot of anybody could do it. It's a powerless feeling. Yeah, it's heartbreaking. Yeah.

But hey, I would say this, your old man's really fortunate to have a son who loves him like you do and a son who's become a strong, good man on his own. I'm proud of you, dude. Thank you. It's a good move. So, man, I hope anything I said helps it anyway. But if that was my dad, that's where I would be.

and I wish you guys the best. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back, a woman asks how to hold her ex accountable and still do what's best for her son. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, so my friends at BetterHelp just released their annual state of stigma report,

which is a giant report full of tons of data about the mental and emotional state of many folks across the world. And listen, it looks at data points, looks at why people avoid getting help for their mental health. And here's a data point that stood out when I read it. More than three out of four Americans reported anxiety or depression symptoms in the previous two weeks.

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you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Listen, don't let stigma stand in the way of you getting the help you need. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloni and get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash deloni. All right, let's roll out to Oklahoma. City and talk to Sue. What's up, Sue? Oh, goodness.

So there's a lot to this, but I'm going to keep it for you. So I am a 41-year-old mom, single mom of a 10-year-old. And my ex-husband is, he does not share really any responsibility whatsoever. I am the sole provider for my son. thankfully I have a good job and so I'm able to provide. No child support, no visitation, no nothing. Nothing. Our custody agreement does say from a couple years ago,

it does say that we have 50-50 custody that hasn't been in the case. So several years ago, he got evicted for not paying his rent and has been homeless ever since. So that's why I'm the full-time caretaker. Okay. And so... Is he struggle with addiction? You know, I think it's...

There's a component of mental illness here. Mental illness, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like true mental illness, not Instagram mental illness, but true, yeah, yeah. Psychiatric disorders, okay. Yeah, he... Part of the reason we got married or got divorced was because he refused to work.

So there's always these, like, big ideas, delusions of, you know, I'm going to create this business and then, you know, it changes day by day and it just never materializes. So I think there may be some marijuana addiction. And that's, I think, self-medicating. Yeah, probably, probably that's trying to take the edge off of whatever's going on in his heart and mind and body. Yeah. Okay. Right. Yeah. So it's kind of a mess. But as my son gets older, you know, gets harder and harder financially, you know, he's wanting this, one and that, and having, you know, the responsibilities of Christmases and birthdays and just

making sure my son doesn't go without, right, because he only has one parent. So I feel more and more like I want to pursue some sort of legal action, you know, to keep him accountable. for his responsibility as a father. I just, every time I go to pull the trigger, I have this guilt and anxiety that keeps me from moving forward. And I think a lot of it goes back to my childhood and my experience being from a broken family. But I also, with the mental health component, I just, and knowing that he's homeless, it's just how to eat, like,

Yeah, like for what? I don't have a lot of hope that, I mean, I feel like he's going to get thrown in jail essentially. Sure. And maybe that's the greatest thing for it. Maybe he can get the medical care he finally needs. But a couple of things here. One, I do think you need to go refile and make sure in writing you have 100% sole custody. Mm-hmm.

Having that still floating 50-50 out there is not wise. Yeah, I agree. Especially if he picks up some other woman who's got some semblance of being put together who then wants to suddenly get her hands on your money somehow or somehow thinks he can, right? Like it may not even be him. It may be another person he meets down the road. Right. And so that's component one.

I would clear that out. Okay. Like, this is my kid and my kid only. Yeah. The second piece of it is, yes, you can go hire an attorney. But the question I guess for what? Right. Because you can't get 20% or half of nothing.

Right. Right. And so it's you backing up to that, like you feel frustrated that you can't give your kid the world. And I think that's relative. I think every parent feels that really regardless of where they are, right? My kid might want this and I want this. Some of that is you just owning, I'm a good parent. And just because my kid doesn't have this video game box or this other pair of shoes or this or this or this, I'm still doing the best I can.

I'm raising a happy kid that knows for a fact that his mom loves him to the moon and back. Yeah. And has a honest picture that dad was really sick. And dad's had a special sick that was in his mind. I two years ago met with an attorney's paid a retainer and have documents

drawn up and so I've gone not far but you know at the time he was homeless and you know how do you serve someone who doesn't have a home and for what? Like you're not going to get child support for him

they're not even housing themselves, much less their child. Exactly. Well, this was for custody. Oh, for custody. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

And there may be a, there, depending on what state you're in, there may be a, like, a default judgment, right? Mm-hmm. Or a default new arrangement, a new default setting, default arrangement in your divorce. Let me address this idea of guilt, okay? And I learned this from Becky Kennedy. She's a psychologist. She works with kids up in New York. She gave me a completely new reframe of guilt,

and it was pretty liberating for me, okay? Guilt is a good and right and natural, psychosocial biological response, which is a dorky way of saying, whenever you do something that violates your values, who you say you are, your body feels it and it should. It's right. So I would say guilt is a good thing. Okay. It helps keep ourselves in line with our own values, which helps us keep ourselves aligned with our community, which keeps us all alive. It's a good, guilt is a good thing. And so whenever you feel

guilty about having to hold somebody accountable or guilty by, because of the way somebody else is responding. Always go back and ask yourself, do I feel, do I believe that parents should be responsible for their kids? Yes. Do I believe even in divorce that both parents should work together with time, with energy, and with financial resources to make sure the kid, our kid, has the best chance of success? Absolutely. And so what you're doing is not a violation of your core values. Right. Or let's get deeper.

Back to your childhood. Is it my job to make sure everybody is okay except for me? Is it my job to make sure everybody feels okay? I feel like I've, that's who I've become. That's who I was as a child. That's right. But is that right? But it's not.

No. No. No. And so what we're trying to do is we're trying to pick somebody else's feelings out of their chest and hold them as close. to our own as though they were ours. Right. And we're trying to manage somebody else's bad feelings.

Mm-hmm. And they don't even know we're doing it. Yeah, absolutely. And so that's not guilt. That's either codependency, that is either, I mean, I can throw a whole bunch of nerdy counselor words at you. But at the end of the day, what you're feeling isn't guilt.

It's probably anger and it's probably powerlessness. And it's probably your, running the same script you had to run as little girl, it's probably a whole bunch of things, but it's not guilt. Yeah. Because you didn't do anything wrong here. Yeah. And I don't know if part of it is I was the one who

wanted the divorce and I don't know if I feel you know that I blew up our family even though I did aunt takes two. But yeah, I mean, definitely I agree on the custody thing that's been on my radar the past couple of months. I've been really

stressed about what happens with him for my son if something happens to me. Right. There you go. That's a huge. His other parent can't even keep his cell phone on. You know what I mean? So he's not even in the contact. If you leave money to your kid in a will or a life insurance policy.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right? Or a college fund. Or this happened when I was working at universities. Parents would take out student loans in their kids' name. Yeah. And just spend them on.

knows what. Yeah. Right? That happened all the time. And so all I have to say is, yeah, that getting him out of your child's life for good is awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

And don't mix, don't conflate heartbreak and sadness. Mm-hmm. Like, let's just think of your kid. That sucks to be him. Yeah. And I think I wanted so badly for. him to have both parents in his life because I didn't, I didn't. And I think, um, I just, I feel like I failed my son, you know.

Yeah. So it's hard. But I, I, I hear, yeah, I think I know this. I just needed a push to, to move forward with it. If it was me, and this isn't a therapeutic answer, this is, I'm just telling you what I would do. If it was me, I would definitely file for a. sole custody. And I would close that loop up.

Yeah. And if I can't find him or there's a half-hearted effort to serve him and he's not around, like, then I'd file a petition with the court and use the fancy court language and I would get that wrapped up. Yeah. I probably, not probably, I wouldn't chase child support. Yeah. Not at this point.

If suddenly he gets medicated and gets cleaned up and goes to recovery and he's providing for himself like he's not living on the street then yes he needs to play a financial role but he's not in a place psychologically or health-wise or emotionally to even take care of himself so that would be me throwing good money

down the drain really yeah fair and then there is a reckoning for you which is I had this picture of what my kid's life was going to look like and it doesn't look like that anymore and you haven't reset the picture Yeah.

You keep going back and looking at the old one that you wanted it to be and judging the present against that old picture you drew. Yeah. That picture's burned. It's ash. Yeah. So now what he's waiting for you to do, what you're waiting for you to do, is paint a new picture of what's going to look like.

It's going to be me and you, kid. Yeah. And there will not be another kid on the planet is loved like you are. Yeah. And by the way, I can't afford those shoes. You get to learn the realities of money. And it sucks. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

And even if you have a good job, being a single parent right now, is the worst. It's a nightmare, right? Yeah, yeah. There's just no way around it. Yeah. Yeah. And I probably lean too far the other way to make sure that, you know what I mean? He never wants for anything.

He needs to want for things. That's you letting him go in the weight room of life and start lifting weights. lightweights. Yeah. He's not going to want for food, but he's going to want for Jordans. Right? Mm-hmm.

And that's going to be the muscles he lifts to deal with a hard, cruel world. Yeah. And you're going to be right there with him because you love him. He'll never have to do that alone. All right. How old is he?

He's 10. 10? Yeah. I'd give him until sixth grade. Sixth grade at a very cursory level, he can start knowing what things cost around the house. That'll be nice. Not that it's his responsibility. No, but just awareness, right. But the awareness like, hey, here's what the light bill cost every month to turn on. Oh my goodness. Here's what the water bill

cost. And here's how we're going to work together. And then when we go to the grocery store, we have $120. You and I are going to do shopping for $120. Can we do it? Oh, yeah. All right, Let's do it. And we're going to, he's going to learn math and addition skills at the same time, right? But I'm going to start to bring him into the realities of this. He's never going to give it to him to carry, right? I don't ever want a kid being like, I don't want to tell my mom that my shoes are too small because, like, I don't want that. They don't need to carry that burden.

But giving them a little bit of sensory reality of how the world works, yeah, that's a good thing. That's a good thing. My kids still don't know. I don't tell them what our take-home salary is, but man, they participate in what things cost and how we budget for things and how we're going to put this purchase off for two months. And here's how much your school stuff. Like, we're pretty open about that stuff because I want my kids to be wide-eyed about how the world works. Thanks for call, sister.

I hate this has happened to you, but you're an honorable, good woman. And your little boy's lucky to have you as a mom. We'll be right back. What's up? Dr. John Deloney here. When was the last time you and your spouse got away, just the two of you, no kids, no work, no distractions, just time to reconnect. Most couples can't remember. That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the Money and Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville to laugh together, learn and grow with your spouse. We have a weekend on sale right now, October 22nd through 24th, 2026. Get your tickets at Ramsey, Salisville. solutions.com slash events or by clicking the link in the show notes. All right, we're back. Kelly, it looked like during one of the breaks, Alex spilled Coke all over his keyboard or whatever.

Didn't happen. What are you doing back there, man? Yeah, he did. It was awful. What was it? Pepsi. And it wouldn't even Coke. It was Pepsi.

Get out. I would have gotten Coke. Get in your Square Kia and drive home. I would have, I would have gotten Coke. but there was no coke available. I know, then like an adult, you abstain. You just don't have any then. That's fair.

My bad. Spill Pepsi. I also have an Android. What kind of hiring practices do we have here? If a guy rolls up holding a Pepsi and an Android and Square Kia, what are we doing? I would like that, pointed out. I just showed up. No one actually hired me.

I just showed up and they sort of paint. You're like Kramer. You're just here. You're just like, hey guys. Just Sipping He's just volunteering

Yeah, just sipping from your Pepsi Doing donuts In the parking lot In your square Kia Listening to your house Music What music do you like?

I'd say like punk rock Name one band Okay Pop punk I guess More like Panic of the disco I like that kind of stuff You're fired Yeah I know

I know I knew that was kind of Panic of this That's not punk rock Yeah I know It's pop punk That's not even that That is Elevator music for set

old stuff was was the old stuff was he's right the old the the OG album was emo fair the new stuff is just sugary pop yeah like the old stuff Kelly am I the problem let's kind of hard to move on from this but here we go I'm just bathed in disappointment right now I can see it on you two we don't share a lot but I think we share a disdain for that guy You know, but he has a love of horror movies that I very much appreciate. I want to say that because I do. Because we share that.

Bro. Did you see obsession? What did you think? It was incredible. Out of ten, how many? Oh, it's probably nine. Nine out of ten. It's really good.

It's up there. It's extraordinary. I agree. I loved it. I saw it twice. I feel like it's really, um, If the movie was reversed,

I feel like that's what we all experience around you. Wait, like, how? Like, I think deep down, you're really nice. But on the outside... I'm nice, damn it. A little murdery. See? I think you're like the obsession character just inside out.

Like where she's like playing nice, but inside. Yeah. I just kept watching that movie being like, like this. It feels like Kelly and I don't know why. Like that. the bad way. Yeah, sure. I'll find the compliment of that.

I think we just just end today's show. Let's just be done. Am I the problem? Go for it. You are. Let's just in today's show. Why? I think we're just done.

Because I, you know, I think we're good. No one's listening anymore. That's probably fair. Love you guys. Bye.