The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “My Husband Regrets Having Our Baby”

Episode Date: September 30, 2026

💬 Tired of having the same arguments with your spouse? Get Dr. John Delony's Conflict Game Plan   On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband regrets having their son A man wondering if he should reconnect with his convict father A woman wanting to implement Delony’s principles in her classroom   Next Steps: 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in.  💬 Get the Free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My husband has recently expressed remorse about bringing our child into the world because they could one day reject Christ and potentially spend an eternity in hell. Good God. Yeah. This is a rare moment, but you stump me on this one for a second. What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney's show. Talking to real people who are struggling, who are going through life.

Some people are celebrating. They're doing great and they just want to figure out what's the next right step. Wherever you find yourself, whether you've got questions about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got. That's what this show's about pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Wherever you are in the world, click the link in the show notes and we'll work to get you on. It's got to San Francisco, California, A, and talk to Melinda.

Hey, Melinda, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. It's a true honor to speak with you. It's an honor to talk to you. It's not even, there's like no sunshine up yet. You're early on the West Coast, so thanks for calling. Well, yeah, I have a baby, so I don't sleep very much, though.

No problem. Nice, nice. Yes. So what's up? Well, my husband has recently expressed remorse about bringing our child into the world because they could one day reject Christ and potentially spend an eternity in hell. And so my question, yeah. My question is how do I both honor and understand the sphere of his while also challenging his way of thinking?

Jeez. Man, this is a rare moment, but you stump me on this one for a second. Oh, no. Let me talk. I'll just talk my thought process out loud and we can kind of get there together. where else in his world do giant fears kind of pin him down? Like economics, world war, the left is taken over or the right's taken over. Like where does he have things in his world where the weight of it feels so big that he makes big, grandiose statements like that?

You know, this is honestly the first time I've ever heard him make this kind of statement. So we've been married for almost three years. I'd say the other fear in his life is when he stands before the Lord and has to be accountable. And he does have fear of like looking back on his life and God's saying like, oh, what have he done? Even though he is like a wonderful person who gives himself fully to others. Yeah. And that's a That's a tough

I wish I could just have a cup of coffee with him. Mm-hmm. That's like being married to you and I'm gonna put out into the world that you're the best wife ever. You love him just recklessly and you'll laugh together and have fun and all that. But that's like him opening his eyes every morning and hoping to like being almost paralyzed and doing everything he possibly can

because he thinks you're going to look at him and say, I hate you. Yeah. Right? And that's a way to miss out on the beauty of relationship. It's the way to miss out. It's completely misses the exchange of love. Right?

And it makes it very, yeah, I would love to hear his story on how he landed in a place that, Yeah. Relationship is so fear-centric. Yeah. And unfortunately, he's down the phone. So what I would talk to you, what I would walk with you is asking yourself two scary questions. One, what can you control here? You can't control his innate existential fears that seem to guide every moment of his life, right? but you can control asking him like I've heard you I don't want to hear that again you've made your you've made your point clear I don't want our child growing up in a home where one of us is saying out loud I regret bringing you here I don't want that air to be in our home and so I'm asking you to find somebody else to talk to about that yeah whether that's a minister or a therapist or a group of friends

Um, but I, I don't want that air in this home. Yeah. And then if he looks at you and says, now, you know what, I get to say whatever I want because it's my house. Well, now you'll have to deal with that marriage issue, right? Right. Because honor and respect and kindness and love goes both ways. Right. The second question I would ask you is, you being honest with yourself, is this just a huge seasonal change.

It has sparked a guy who clearly has some deep, existential anxieties, just about his, not even, not even on earth, but like the future, right? Is this him, suddenly his world is different? He's a dad now. He's a, he's a husband to a woman who's a mother now. And they just, like, all of his identities have changed. And so there's, there's, he's saying things out of fear, out of frustration that he probably doesn't mean, um, or maybe he does. And so come into some sort of reality there. What do you think? Yeah, I, I think, Change is really hard for him. I think change is hard for everyone.

We also, you know, our baby, we had to be in the NICU, and there was an extensive surgery, and it was a really rough way to start in your hood. Very scary. And so we didn't have control at the beginning. And we found out my 20-week ultrasound about this condition. And so for half of my pregnancy, we were just, you know, very fearful of the outcome of our baby's life.

And so I don't know if it would have been like this if we had just a normal. Sure. I don't know. So there's small things that happen in tiny bite-sized moments in a marriage and a relationship. And it sounds so trite and silly. I know that, okay? but what we're doing is working with somebody we love, we're connecting with somebody we love,

and the aim here is for both of us to reset our default setting. So for 20 plus weeks or however long you carry this pregnancy, this baby meant terror. Yeah. Right? To you, to your husband, and there's no way that doesn't impact your relationship. Yeah.

Right. And so beginning to change our default setting to now this baby means love and opportunity and reckless joy and laughter and sleepless nights and millions of diapers, right? Yeah. But that default setting doesn't change in one big fell swoop almost always, right? The way it changes is every morning you look at them and say, hey, before you go to work, what are three things you're grateful for about our new life, about our baby?

And you give three things. And then right before you go to sleep, you say, What's your three favorite things of today? Yeah. And you all begin to, what you'll, Brene Brown is a great quote that I love. It's what you go looking for in the world you're sure to find. Oh, wow.

And so if y'all begin to orient yourself towards not what could have been in this angst and every conversation becomes tense, and by the way, here's things that nobody talks about in these moments. There's serious financial ramifications here that impact your life. There's serious work complications. There's time.

off, there's all of that stuff, right? Yeah. There's identity issues I've sat with, I mean, I can't even count the number of women I've sat with that had this underlying, I can't believe my body didn't, like, it's supposed to do one job. Yeah. Right? And it becomes this, I'm not, I can't even trust my own body, right?

And that becomes disorienting. Totally. And so being able to have a new marriage, which by the way, you'll have a brand new marriage, The one you had is over, right? What do we want this thing to look like? And more importantly, how do we want our house to feel? And I talk about that a lot, like, from how fun that conversation is. But sometimes that conversation is, I want you to stop talking about X, Y, or Z.

Right? Because if we both want our house to feel warm, to feel full of love, to feel whatever, and he's always being like looking at this baby, this sweet. How many months old? Four. Four months. I've got baby fever so bad right now. Like a little four month old.

It's pretty great. Yeah. But also it's pretty not great. It's both, right? It's the best, worst thing ever, right? Yeah. And I don't, if you look at that baby and you're like, can't believe I brought you here. Like, I may have doomed you for all of eternity.

Like, that becomes a pretty gnarly way of experiencing this magic. Right? And you change the default setting slowly over time. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess what I'll tell you, man, also, there's only limited influence you have. Yeah. And he, because of this, he doesn't want any more children.

And he said, you know, we could adopt because then we'd be helping somebody already born. But right now, he's like, I think we should be done. And, you know, that's heartbreaking for me. It is, but you also have an equal vote at the table to say. Yeah. I don't think we are. Okay. And say like, we got tension here, making big, huge life decisions with a four-month-old sitting here,

especially after a one or two or three-month-a-nick-you-stay, not a good time to make, like, final declarations, right? Yeah, yeah. The guy who trained me, Dr. Andy Young, one of most important men in my life, the guy who trained me on crisis stuff, he always, he told me personally, like, this is a to you, John, but also globally, but after a big life-changing event, don't change anything in your life for minimum of six months, but probably better a year. Don't sell your house, don't quit your job, don't, just let the smoke clear on this new world you have. Yeah. And that is not how I operate, like something big happens. All right, let's, like, right,

the stock market's going to go down. Let's sell everything. Let's move to the wood. Like that's my impulse and is like, just hang tight for a second. All right. Hang tight for a second. And so I would hear that and remember that you have an equal voice at that table. And if you find that he won't hear you, shut you down, that is a point of tension.

You hear me say this all the time. Tensions the doorway to great communication, to a great marriage. So the bigger conversation there is The story I'm making up is that your opinions are more important than mine in this marriage And that makes me feel small That makes me feel less than And he might say, you're right, I'm the man And if y'all got to deal with that problem, geez Louise

Or hopefully he would say, oh no, no, no, that's not what I mean Yeah Right And then he would be the second one, yeah And that's my hope for most of the time But yeah But he would say, I've got really big feelings about this, and you can say, I do too. And our feelings, big feelings are different.

And let's let that disconnection slowly bring us together over time instead of draw bad of lines in our marriage. Yeah, this is a tough one. And I think it's especially tough when somebody's anxiety response is the exact opposite thing of what we need right now. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Or maybe even different than need, what we desperately want right now,

our partner's anxiety response is just the polar opposite. Yes. And that's hard to navigate sometimes. The only way to navigate is put it all on the table. So let me tell you this, you're not nuts. I rarely talk about the intricacies of my faith on the show. It's just I, that's mine, if you will. Mm-hmm.

But I think if he was sitting in front of me, your husband, I would tell him you got this thing wrong. The purpose of this thing is love. The purpose of faith, the purpose of belief in God and higher power is so you can exhale. Because you're anchored to something bigger than you could ever be. Your love is the connecting fiber of every cell, every tissue and you're. your body, every heartbeat. Like, that's what's woven through the fabric of humanity. Even the rocks cry out. Like, it is, it is the fabric. And if you miss that and just look for what your particular denomination says is some ultimate punishment and you just live in white-knuckle fear,

man, you've just missed the whole thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I hate that for him. And you can't change that. I can't change that. Hopefully he's will come to some, revelation with good mentorship, with good friends. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he's just started counseling or therapy. And so he, and he talked to his therapist yesterday about it.

And he's really, really wanting to get help with this. That's awesome. My gut belief is, my gut belief is that this is an expression of a much deeper anxiety issue. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not diagnosing him in any way,

but this is these grandiose statements, these big prophetic, existential statements are rooted in a deep-seated, unanchored man. And, man, the fact that he's going to work to get himself anchored is so great, so beautiful, so awesome. So thank you so much for the call. I hate that he said that. I hate that y'all have that tension in your marriage, but I do think this tension is a path forward for both of you. and remain optimistic as best you can that we're going to create a new marriage here. And we get to decide what it looks like, what it feels like, what we're doing, what our roles are. And with a four-month-old, you're going to recreate your marriage like six times the next year, right?

But we are going to continue to work to come closer and closer together. And both voices count at the table. Thank you so much for the call, my friend. It's great talking to you. When we come back, a man asks how to navigate. reconnecting with his father after 16 years in prison. We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray,

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It's the greatest marriage conference on planet Earth. It's the money-of-marriage conference that me and my friend Rachel Cruz put on here in just outside of Nashville, Tennessee, it's a two and a half day retreat. It is the best. Tons of Q&A, tons of interactions. You'll get to meet us.

We get to ask your questions. Lots of teaching. And every year it's new, so if you've been before a couple years ago or three years ago, whatever, every year we wrap it up and do something completely different and new.

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strengthen your conflict skills. Man, we talk about sex. We talk about money. We talk about all of it. And we want you to leave with a toolkit for building the marriage that you and your spouse want. So October 22nd to 24th here in Nashville, click the link in the show notes and it will get you to the page.

And hopefully there's still a few tickets available for you. So go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Ramon. What's up, Ramon? Hey, Dr. John. Nice talking to you. Thank you for taking my call. You got it, brother. Thanks for calling in, man.

What's up? Yes, so you kind of alluded to it earlier, but my father is getting out of prison here in the next 25 days after serving 16 almost 17 years. He went in when I was eight years old. And everything before that, we were best friends and everything after that. I only have talked to him a handful of times. And so, yeah, this is coming up and it's kind of, you know,

reawakening some old fear, some old traumas. And yeah, I just need help navigating that, how to set boundaries. and then also my family from my mom's side wants nothing to do with him and I'm kind of in the middle so I just want to hear your opinion you're one of the guys I look up to the most and I relate to a lot of what you say

so I just want to hear what I'd say well brother I'm honored by that I appreciate you riding with us tell me about your family first you married you get kids yes so I just got married this a year a couple months ago. Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah, we are, we don't have kids, but that is in the near plans. And, you know, I am the middle child of three. I have an older brother and a little sister. And they both have kids. They're awesome. My nieces and nephews, it's kind of one of my favorite things about doing life as being an uncle to them.

but yeah as you can imagine they're kind of hesitant to with all this going on how much older is your brother and how much younger is your sister so I am the middle of he's two years older and she's about two years younger okay so there there actually is um and we'll get into some of the specifics here but I think that what I want to you to let guide you over the next few months is grace for everybody. Now that doesn't impact what you do next, but it impacts the ethos with which you operate in the world. Here's what I mean. You were eight when your dad went away. Your brother was 10. There's a big difference between 8 and 10. That's third grade to fifth grade. Right? And so his memory, his experiences, he was probably a little bit bigger

kid could see some stuff, could experience some stuff, is going to be very different than yours. Yeah. Your daughter, I mean, your sister who was six at the time, she may not remember anything. Yep. You got it exactly right. And her memory has become a cocktail

of stories people have told her and possibly being scared in the middle of the night if your dad was going off on something. You know what I'm saying? So if they say absolutely not, we're cutting him out, he can't see his grandkids. Let your first breath be one of grace. I get it.

You don't know that guy. Or I get it. You're scared to death. Because if if, and here's the deal, if you respond with rage, how dare you? It's our dad, whatever. It won't change them at all. All it does is ruin your day, your moment. You know what I'm saying? Right. And so I don't have to agree with you,

but I understand. And that's just a helpful way to go through the world. But why why did your dad go away for 16, 17 years? Yeah, that adds another layer to it. When he was younger, he did commit kind of child molestation. Not kind of. Yes, sorry. Yes.

He did commit child molestation against a family member. And, yeah, this kind of came to light about 15 years later. and the judge ruled and he was put away for 16 years. So. Okay. So your brother and your sister's impulse

that I don't want this man around our children, that's a good impulse for them to have as parents. Yep. That's what they've always said is when you have kids, you'll understand how we feel. So, yeah, it puts me in a weird position

because I don't, but I understand. And I've always just kind of been, the handful of times I've talked to him, it's like all about his kids. And it's like, it's kind of the thing that keeps him going in a way that he says. So I've always kind of had that empathy towards him.

Yeah, but that empathy for you becomes a really big burden, and here's how. He's sitting with you in either one of those weird little dimly lit or like awkwardly lit cafeteria rooms where he's allowed to have visitation once a month or once a year with this adult son or y'all are talking through that plexiglass thing on the phone like however y'all are communicating right what he does in those moments is he tells me he misses y'all wants to know how everybody's doing wants to know about grandkids all that but then he takes the brick of his well-being and he's and he hands it to you and says, hey, you carry this. You're my reason for being alive. If you don't do X, Y, or Z,

I'm not going to make it. And I'll tell you, as a young man, that's not your responsibility to carry the anchoring of your dad. Right. It's his job to find meaning and purpose outside. And, man,

he's dealt with some significant consequences, and those consequences is don't just end the moment you walk out of prison, right? Right. And so handing you the responsibility to make sure he's not okay, like food and water, right? Right. But that he is psychologically and spiritually and emotionally grounded. That's not your brick to carry.

Right. And so my hope would be he would come out mature enough to say, it breaks my heart. I want nothing more in the world than to hug my gritty. grandkids that I've never met. I want to hug my sons. I want to hug my daughter. And I understand that they don't want that right now. That'd be my hope. And that he makes his life's mission about becoming the man outside of the of the walls that he can be proud of. And maybe, maybe not, earn back trust over time. But that's his job. Your job,

and I get a lot of hate for this, but your job is to honor your father. That doesn't mean you give him 100% unfettered access to your life, to your world, to your wife, to your nieces, to your nephews. That means I'm not going to talk bad about you. That means if I feel safe and I feel comfortable, I'll meet you for coffee.

It doesn't mean he gets a key to your house. Yeah, no, that's what I'm trying to figure out how those interactions and how I'm going to navigate that moment. How old are you? I am 26. Okay. I'm going to tell you something that I wish you had been taught when you were younger,

and I wish I had been taught when I was younger. And it's very hard to do what I'm about to tell you, okay? Very, very hard. But if you learn this at 26, you're going to save yourself 20 years. of ugh that I personally endured because I didn't have the skill set for this. You ready? Yes. You hold all of the cards.

All of them. And you have, get to be, get to stand up as a 26 year old husband, man, future father, and say the words, as for me and my household, this is what this is going to look like. Taking a stand like that will come with backlash. It will come with other people's opinions. It will come with that I'm not talking to you anymore or you're not welcome here either.

It will come with consequences. But here's a deal. It will be yours. And so if he gets out of prison and you find yourself instantly, and this is very common, by the way, your body will go right back to where you were eight years old. okay and then you will all and you probably had some responsibility to make sure dad didn't get mad make sure dad's that you've been carrying that forever and you feel especially heavy like somebody

put a couple more plates on the weight bar because your brother and sister don't want anything to do with him so you feel extra responsibility and what you end up becoming as a peacekeeper you end up becoming your life is not building a beautiful safe like concrete and steel marriage with your wife and for your future kids but it becomes like you you become an emotional uh caretaker right but if you met him for lunch when he got out and you had met with your wife and y'all had come up with a plan and you sat down with him and said dude i'm glad you're out yada yada blah blah blah Here's what our relationship will look like over the next six months. Right?

And you outline, you detail, here's what this is going to be. And he can fight you, he can push you back. I guarantee you he has this movie he's been playing over and over in his head for the last 15 years on what this day will look like, what the next few weeks will look like. And it's your job to tell him, here's the actual movie, here's what's going to look like. And there's no way around it. This is a brutal, hard conversation. yeah right and the important things

I would tell you is be as honest as you can as clear as you can crystal clear and put time limits on things meaning for six months that I'm not going to give you my address I want you to get out

get settled get here we will meet for coffee once a week or once a month or I'm not ready to meet with you on a regular basis but here's what this will look like you know what I'm saying yeah

no I really like that I think having a six month plan sitting down with my wife going over exactly what I want and I'm still trying to figure out what I want and

a good a good spouse will be able to see your blind spots if you will just last night my wife and I were driving to a dinner and in the car, I said, hey, here's some things I'm thinking about doing. Will you look for or listen for blind spots? I've gotten this. And as I rattled off, I want to try this, I want to do this, I want to do this, I want to do this.

She was able to say, this particular thing that you called out, you're always a wreck after that. Is it worth it? And that's not her telling me no. It's her doing exactly what I asked and her showing me great love and friendship. and, but her willingness to wade into my big plans and I've always got big plans and say, this is how I experience you. This is how our kids experience you. This is how you experience you after this. So if you sit down on a plan with your wife and say, man, I want to, we're going to give six months.

I'm going to meet him once a month or once a week for coffee or for lunch or whatever. We're going to slowly come back in here. And then you look at your wife and say, as you hear me say this plan out, What do you feel? What do you feel about me? How have you experienced me when I got home from visiting him in prison? Was I a wreck for two weeks? Was I feeling full of shame and guilt? That I get mad at my brothers and sisters. Give her an opportunity to speak into what she's experienced in real time. And that will bring you all the closer together just as a couple. But also, man, she provides an extraordinary second set of eyes on you. And you staying well and whole and anchored in this

in this interaction is going to be really powerful. But you hold the cards here. Honest, clear, and time limits. Three months, six months, one year, two years. We're not going to do Thanksgiving. We are not going to do Christmas. We are going to be very clear. And it will set you free that clarity.

And also, it will come with consequences, make no mistake. And you're probably not going to make anybody happy. And that's okay. Do us right for you. with for your wife and for your home and always show up to those interactions with your dad in the best version of yourself be a person who's respectful even if somebody doesn't quote unquote deserve respect be somebody who treats people with dignity even if the world says they don't deserve dignity i'm going to always be kind i'm going to always be honest i'm going to always be straightforward

i'm going to always treat you with honor and respect and honor and respect does not mean you get to tell me what to do with my life thanks for the call brother You're a good man, dude. You're a good, good man. It's amazing how you've grown up with a dad-sized hole in your heart. I'm proud of you, brother. Stay on the path and get some good men in your life that you can trust to walk alongside you. We come back.

A woman asks if teachers can use the phrase, how do we want our classroom to feel to create classroom expectations? Love it. We'll be right back. This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states visiting several states more than once. I made a 40-hour round-trip drive across the country, and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee.

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to Portland, Oregon and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on? I am a school teacher and teach third grade and I'm headed back to a students next week.

And I was thinking this summer about, you know, they want us to set up our classroom expectations with our kids and do that as a group of activity. Haven't really been very good at that in the past. But I was thinking this summer about using your system of, you know, how would you like, our classroom to feel, you know, to set up those expectations. And then if we, if that works, then how do we like enforce it and stuff? You are the best. You're the best. Like, you're literally the best. Um, thinking, like, let me just, like, on so many levels, you're the best. Like, the fact that you've dedicated yourself to third graders. That's a tough age. You're the best. The fact that you weighed into a education system that is basically designed to, like, ground you down to ash.

And you still show up because you love kids. And for the privilege of grounding you down to ash, you make less than minimum wage. So, thanks for that. Like, you're just an incredible person. And on top of all of that, or you know what, underneath all of that, heading into the year, your chief challenge in your mind and spirit is, how do I bring these kids together? How do I give them a place where they can drop their shoulders

and exhale? And then actually learn something. Right? Like, man, you're awesome. Like, you're awesome, Anna. Oh, thanks. I know that doesn't feel like that when you get your direct deposit,

but you're awesome. You're awesome. As a taxpaying citizen, we are failing you, and I'm sorry. So, yes. And here's, I probably,

I'm glad you're asking this question because I need to do a better job of extrapolating this out. That question that I credit with saving my marriage, how do you want this house to feel? 1,000% can be used in a classroom, it can be used in an office setting,

it can be used in any situation where there's relational interaction in a closed environment, right? What I don't do a good enough job talking about is after we made that declaration, how do we want this house to feel, want it to warm, full of laughter,

we both want to be happy when the other person's coming home. We both want to be happy when we're coming home. That came with a lot of discussion on the practices that had to take place

for us to get here. So for instance, and I don't know I don't think I've ever talked about this. Maybe I have, but I don't remember. After I vomited it up and I've told that story,

like, I want this house to feel warm, won't you be happy, I'm here, whatever. my wife's immediate response, and it was 1,000% right was, okay, you can't bring your last meeting with you home. You can't sit with students hurting people and their families all day and have no outlet, and we live five minutes from work,

and you bust in this house, because we all feel all of those conversations you had. Right. You've got to go to the gym. You've got to go for a walk. You have to go do yoga. You have to have a thing that allows you to transition from here to there. or from there to here.

Also, in my house, I went as far as when I eat certain things, and for me in certain volumes, right? Mm-hmm. One day, two, day, three days later, I haven't slept well, so I get up early, and then I don't feel good, and then I eat more crap, and then I skip a thing. Three days later, my family pays the price for my grumpiness,

my procrastination, my, right? And so to get, that house that we wanted, like this feeling we wanted, it took a ton of action. Okay. And really, the magic there was coming up with a set of shared values. This is who we are. Okay. And the beauty for that in a classroom is, if you gave your students the opportunity to,

how do you want this class to feel? And they're probably going to be like, third graders don't often have a good connective, good connective tissue like emotions, right? They're all over the place. Right. Right. But teaching them about that, emotional regulation, my gosh, you're changing their life. And then number two, you're truly changing their life because you begin to give them,

you begin to empower them that you guys actually have choices on how you feel on big things. And then what I think would be the magic of this whole thing is y'all coming up with a set of shared values for your classroom. Here's who we are going to be. Okay. And then here's a silly one. not a silly one this is a great one um no um no making fun of each other right because if we want this classroom to be a place that we love coming and we think is super fun and is a right making fun of people will hurt that for some people so we're going to say no making fun of people when because

they're in third grade when the first person makes fun of somebody the conversation you have the the disciplinary conversation, the behavioral correction conversation is so anchored. It keeps it from being you versus this kid. Okay. And it points back to, hey,

this is who we said we were going to be. Uh-huh. How do you get back to we? Yeah, I like that. Right? And it keeps, and that way you're always on the student side.

I hate that you, it breaks my heart that you made fun of Susie because now you can't do this thing. And this thing is not as fun when you're not with us. right right and they begin to grasp really deeply my choices have direct consequences and this woman here called my teacher she loves me and she's just willing to sit in my hug with me and give me a path back to us to we yeah i like that so yeah i wish every teacher would ask how do we want

this room to feel and go through that exercise because it points back to a set of shared values and then you may get a kid like i was a public school teacher and a private school teacher you may get a kids like, I don't, those are stupid, those aren't my rules. And sometimes you get that and we've got to just go right through the middle of that, right? Because we're the adults, but it does give an anchoring to a classroom. Well, that's what I'm looking for. Well, and if you, by the way, if you call it out, like let's say y'all come up with four or five words how you want this room to feel. Uh-huh. When they have those sweet spot moments, especially at the beginning of school,

when the whole room feels warm, when everyone's laughing really hard. when somebody does a great job on a thing and we're celebrating them as a class, call that out. Go point to it on the board or on the wall where y'all have hung it up, your set of values, and look at them and say,

we're doing it. This is what this feels like. And they'll begin to connect the dots there. That sounds great. You are awesome. You are awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome. Thank you. I appreciate your time and you're helping me walk through this.

No, you're the best. And I know, can I just say this? that loud, this is going to be really hard in the face of third grade. I don't know how it is in Oregon, but for most states, that's what they've got to do their mandatory testing. And that's when they have to. Yeah. Right.

And we've got to do our read alouds and we've got to do it. It's going to be hard to try to keep a human center amidst all that robotic, mechanical, nonsensical madness. Right. And so, man, you doing that? Ah, so good. And if they have to do test prep, if you're calling it out and saying, this for right now, is not going to feel warm or joyful.

But when you are confident on this test, you're going to smile when you know the answer. So we're working, we're going to do hard things now to get to these feelings later. I like that, yes. You're like, man. Anna, you have, you've given,

I'm going to smile all day because I've got to talk to you. You're the best, the best, the best. Thank you for loving those kids. And every teacher out there, man, watching how teachers impact my children. I got all choked up here, so I'll be quiet. It's magic. To the great teachers out there,

thank you so much for giving your lives up for kids like mine. And it's an honor. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times. but then no one sees you snap at your spouse.

They don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapist, someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying.

They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness, it's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Deloni for 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, we're back. It's sad day, Kelly.

I know. Now, I know I realize when this show comes out, this will have happened a month ago, but for us right now, Dolly Parton died yesterday. Yeah. And I will quote a message I saw on social this morning that just said, I wasn't even, I had never even fathom

the fact that she could die. Yeah. It was like, we would just always have her. Yeah. It was kind of like, wasn't that the agreement with God? We always got Dolly?

The, the, her ability to be universally loved by everyone. And to, in my opinion, get way, way above the fray, the nonsense, the madness, the, Where do you stand on this person who, like, behind closed door?

Like, what I love to see is the notes and letters coming out from everyone from hip-hop artists to heavy metal singing. Like, she's constantly sending people notes of encouragement. I see you and I appreciate you. Her giving billions and billions of dollars to help children's literacy. Like the food stuff that drives that she does here in Nashville. Like, the stuff that never made the news. like her stand of like she took a stand by never taking a stand like I don't need to stand my stand is love and I'm going to move forward and do the next right thing for my community

for people for people I don't know for the least of these it's such an extraordinary the fruit is everybody's having kind of a low day today you know what I mean and uh yeah it's just kind of yeah like it doesn't occur to you she could die yeah yesterday when we found out on our floor. I mean, there was legit tears from people. It was just so shocking. Yeah. Yeah. And as Tennessee ends, I don't know. I mean, I think that we're hit a little harder just because she was one of ours here. And she did so much for our state. Yeah. In addition to everything else, but millions and millions of dollars of aid and help from, I mean, from her personally when things happened in our state. So maybe we feel it a little more, but I think everyone feels it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I woke up early this morning and listened to Jolene and it just felt right. So shout out to the great Dolly Parton. I do have to ask, what's your favorite Dolly Parton's song? Oh, there's no question. Jolene, it's a masterpiece. Master, master, master, master, masterpiece. And there's so many layers to that song that's awesome.

Yeah. I, yeah. That's the first song I listened to this morning when I woke up. Just shout out. So however you grieve, however you mourn, however you show respect. You know what? Today it feels like, and I remember when Johnny Cash died. It was just kind of this larger-than-life person that doesn't occur to you.

Like, there will always be here. So however you honor somebody and celebrate them, shout out to the great dollar partner fellow Tennessee. And love you guys. Bye.