The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “My Husband Thinks I’m Brainwashed”

Episode Date: October 26, 2026

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose husband thinks she’s being brainwashed A wife wondering if she should share her business account with her husband A daughter deciding if she should reconnect with her estranged dad   Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in.  🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 01:01 Have I Been Brainwashed by Social Media? 20:05 Give My Husband Access to My Business Account? 40:10 Should I Stay No-Contact With My Dad?   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get started today with Churchill Mortgage. Equal Housing Lender • NMLS ID 1591 • NMLSConsumerAccess.org Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill, and they are great. Go to Churchillmortgage.com. My husband and I, who originally when we first met about 19 years ago, had very similar views on politics. But over the last decade or so, we have come to be almost on completely opposite sides of that.

And it makes him very upset that that's the case. What's going on? on what's going on this is john with the dr john deloney show i'm so grateful that you're here pull up a seat and we're going to just hang out we're going to figure out what's the next right move for you to take what's the next action step you can take in your marriage with your kids with your mental and emotional health even with your physical health with your work your job whatever you got going on in your life pull up a seat and we'll figure out the next right move i'm so glad that you're here if you want to be on the show click the link in the show notes and we will get you on let's go out to dallas

and talk to the great and wonderful Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up? No, I'm doing good. Good, dude. Thank you for taking my call. I'm very nervous. I'm so glad that you're here. It's good to talk to a fellow Texan,

even though you're from Dallas and that's the whole thing. But listen, I'm glad that you called. What's up? Well, over the last, I guess, decade or so, my husband and I, who originally when we first met about 19 years ago, had very similar views on politics. But over the last decade or so, we have come to be almost on completely opposite sides of that. And it makes him very upset that that's the case. I, of course, not happy that we don't have the same views, but for him, he kind of puts it in this framework of that I,

I don't, because I don't follow him in that area. I don't have respect for him. And I feel like I've just come to these views because I consider these positions and thought about them. But he seems to view it as a threat to our relationship. And I don't, I don't know what to do with that. Wow. So he, he's hinging this idea of respect equals perfect agreement.

Not even an agreement, but I should come to him first for any information about the world. Like he's told me, oh, no, don't read these websites. Don't listen to these people. You find it disrespectful that I would seek outside sources about political or other cultural information before coming to him and that I should be following him. and I just I don't understand it it doesn't make any sense to me yeah yeah that that's a level of control

I mean because you're talking about thought control at that point you're talking about like yeah mind filtering and that's yeah that's how I feel it is I'm like really you want me to just turn my brain off and only be like oh he said this so because he thinks I think he's stupid or that he's I think that he's not trustworthy

And I'm like, no, I don't think you're stupid. But I think we just have different views of what's going on in the world. And he just cannot accept it. He says, you know, the kids, the kids are disrespectful, then, you know, oh, look, you don't respect me. They're not respecting you. And he kind of makes it this thing. Take politics off the table for a second. Because, I mean, you know this, I know this, every listener knows this.

there's probably as long as I live. Like of the few things I, like when I'm going for long runs or long walks in my neighborhood or I'm hanging from a tree during hunting season, I'm just sitting by myself for hours. And I try to contemplate, try to get to the bottom of a thing, right? Yeah.

This is one that I will never understand. I haven't been able to grasp. even my understanding of, and it's limited, but even my understanding of like evolutionary psychology and tribal behaviors, I can't wrap my head around above family, above work, above friendship, above faith. There's been this lockstep allegiance to a particular political viewpoint and everything else falls through that, filters through that. And I honestly don't have a great answer. for you there. Okay.

What my, so I want to take politics off the table for a second because this rarely happens in a vacuum. Where else does he accuse you of not being respectful or not following him?

How much time do you have? Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot. It's, you know, my priority is about what I do during the day. We homeschooler, three children, choices I make, you know, with that.

often it's like if I make a comment that I don't feel as disrespect. I mean, I'm not calling him names or I don't try to put him down, but he'll come and that was really rude and disrespectful. And I'm just puzzled by it. And it does create a lot of anxiety because I'm kind of feeling like, will what I say today be considered disrespectful? Right. You're on eggshells in your own house.

It's not a safe place anymore. Yeah, it doesn't feel that way a lot of the time. And now, especially with, you know, We've got the elections coming up. And everything is just so there's political ads will come up. We're watching, you know, streaming service together in the meeting. Come up and I'll just tense up because I'm like, oh, my gosh, you know. Is he going to start something?

Yeah, here we go. Exactly. And if I try to, like, kind of speak my opinion, you know, he'll have something, you know, to counter that. And then he'll get upset because, you know, I'm not just immediately kind of going over to what he's saying and realize, oh, what he said is true. even though, I mean, I have checked some of the things he said, and they have turned out not to be accurate. I don't bring that up either. I don't know that's going to make it worse.

I'm like, well, I checked on, you know, that's another thing, too. If he finds that I have checked on, like, something that he said, that makes him feel like, oh, she doesn't trust me. Without seeing the irony that he's not trustworthy. He will swear up and down the sideways. He's done everything he should ever do that I should trust him. Right.

He does provide for a family. Sure, sure, sure, sure. He's involved with the children. He's not, you know, going on to do and stuff. Here's what I want to be careful of. So I don't think this is about politics. Okay. Possibly, I think politics is a huge proxy war y'all are engaging in on a regular basis

because it serves as a tangible flashpoint. Right. But the thing beneath the thing is there is a husband who's increasingly loobeyed. losing his grasp on himself. What he knows to be true, what he believes about the world, trying to see through the fog of what's a future going to look like for me. How am I going to continue to provide? And on either side of the aisle, you have somebody yelling all of your pain, all of your frustration, all of your angst is because of them. Right.

And we're going to dehumanize the other side. We're going to like call them names. we're going to just point and point and point and point. And that's a way that somebody who feels like they're drowning can feel like they're grabbing hold to something. And my hope would be that he would grab you and you would grab him. Right. And y'all would say, hey, the world is chaotic.

It's a total zoo. And now everyone's telling us we're all going to be dead in four years. Like, you know what I mean? Like in that fog, my hope would. be that y'all can grab each other and say it's you and me versus the world it's you and me instead of you verse me and so politics is an easy place to say you're right and you're wrong i've done my research well i've done my research right like like that's an easy place but the real issue is there's a husband there's a man in your life that feels like he is losing his grasp on his

world and the only thing he is he's trying to control what he can control and he has come to believe that that also includes you and the thoughts you think. Right. And my wife and I had a long, like, talk last night just thinking through some of the science, some of the, some of the responses of the Sydney-Sweeney thing. Last night we did. I am desperate for somebody to give me a different way of seeing something than the way I see it. And so I don't find, I find very, not only do.

Do I not find security and everyone around me believing what I believe? But it makes me start to get itchy. Makes me start to assume that I'm missing something. If everybody around me is like, yeah, I start to get, and maybe that's just because I'm a contrarian by nature and whatever. But I don't have a psychology for what your husband's going through other than to say you have to make a choice because all you can control is you. You can't control that. Right. And so my dream for you and your husband would be that you are able to get somewhere where

clear the deck and say, hey, I still love you, I'm still in on it. But we got to get down to this, like, we got to come up with a joint definition of the word respect. Yeah. Because it's also, I mean, wildly disrespectful to not let the person you love have their own thoughts and their own feelings and their own emotions and their own opinions and their own insights. I can think a few things more disrespectful than that. Right. Right. But y'all have to come up with some common definition. And if you can't, if he says, my definition is you do what I say, you come to me, you don't ask anybody, you go to no websites, you talk to no friends. I'm going to tell you that's

abusive. That is a way of controlling another human being that is diminishing and ultimately unsafe because it won't end there. Right. It will then become, and if it's not already, you will do what I say. And then it will be, you will do things. I don't care how uncomfortable they are, how tired you are, how sick you are. You will do what I say because you must, because I own you basically, right? I own your mind.

I own your body. I own everything. Right. Right. I have tried to, again, like, this is not respect. Like, you're asking for obedience. This is something different. And he's really got it in his head that, because I think he's,

I think if he feels, if he, he purposes feeling in himself as he's being disrespected. And I think it's something deeper than that. It 100% is. Yeah. I mean, there's no question about that. So I guess I'll turn around and hand the baton back to you. What are you going to do? What's your path forward?

Honestly, I don't, I don't have a plan right now. I just, I feel like if I do bring it up, it's just going to be more. He's very determined, excuse me, he's very determined that his way is the right way. Is there, is there, so I'll take a track and I may be off base here. Let's say he is trying to always retain footing as the, as an alpha, as I'm the man of this house. I provide. I'm the this. You stay at home. You homeschool my kids. Right. Like, I'm trying to take that track. Yeah. even the most hardened men like that that I know.

And I don't like to associate with men like that, but I do know those guys. Their wife looking at them and saying, you're making me feel less safe. Being in my house, our house, or heaven forbid, in your house, I don't feel safe here. And even the most hardened guy, their shoulders drop and they don't want their wife, their girlfriend, their partner. and their partner to feel unsafe. And if he can't hear that, then my challenge to you is to just acknowledge the reality that you live in,

which is either A, I'm going to make peace with the fact that I live in a pretty anxious, tense home. And over the next few years, just expect that vice grip to tighten and tighten and tighten. Because I don't see anything but chaos coming our way. Yeah. And that's why I'm so adamant right now in this season of helping people be married well.

Because that's a built-in gang. Built in, y'all got each other when you got nothing else, right? And either you make peace with that or you make peace with alternative plans. Right. Tell me what he would do. Like, you're sitting down and y'all are at a, I don't even know if a diner would be a good idea for y'all too. Okay. You're sitting on the back porch and you hold his hand and you say, I hear you don't want me to do these things, you feel disrespected when I don't agree with you, etc.

Yeah. I feel unsafe in our home. What would his response be to that? Probably that he doesn't want me to feel unsafe, but that things are supposed to be done in a certain way, that this is a certain framework that, has been put around a family and that I need to understand that. So he wouldn't say he wanted me to feel unsafe. He would try and reassure me,

I'm not going to, you know, but it would still be him, I feel like it would still be him sticking to this is the way things should be to have a good family and that I am the one who, myself and the one who is kind of making it not possible by not following in his footsteps.

That's how I feel it would go. I mean, I might be wrong. I've never done that because I just, I don't like conflicts and I don't like where it goes. Well, and so I guess what I would pose to you is you're in a conflict. Yes, that's true. And there will be a showdown at some point.

There will be a line that he crosses. There will be a, like, you just give up. And your kids, by the way, are absorbing all of this. And so I always, always, always, always prefer the negotiating table over war, always. And so at some point this is happening, you're already in a conflict. So trying to avoid a conflict now is too late. The ship has sailed. A conflict is upon you.

I would spend some time writing down what you would love to say and finding the most compassionate way forward and be prepared for, an or what statement right and i always tell folks that like or what if he looks at you and says that's stupid i'm not doing any of that stuff you will do what i say yeah and then you have an or what moment are you going to pack the kids up and you're going to go stay at your mom's house are you going to just exhale and say this is the rest of my life yeah are you going to just put the kids in school and say i'm going to get a job like you you you get to take an autonomous track my hope is y'all do it together but it's not always possible right sorry i can't be more hell No, I appreciate it.

I'll quote when my buddy Ian Simkin says, whatever you think hate is doing, whatever you think your control is doing, love can do better. Opening your hands up can do better. Saying, I'm scared and I don't know, can do better. We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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It's going back to Dallas, Texas, and talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn, what's up? Hey, how are you? I'm all right. How are you? I'm doing well, thank you. Awesome. What's up?

Okay, I'll get right to it. Should a husband and a wife share their business accounts with each other? Ooh, nice. Okay, so tell me about your particular situation. Great question. So my husband and I each have our own separate businesses. I've had mine for almost 15 years, and he has had his for about 12 years. And we're signers on each other's account, but I have no ownership in his, and he has no ownership in mine.

And recently, he asked if he could have a debit card to my account. And it surprised me, and I asked why. And he didn't have an answer. He didn't know. And in my heart, I was thinking, no, you can't. And so, yeah, so that started. I can give you quite a bit of context whenever you're ready. Yeah.

I want to go backwards on this one. Usually context is really helpful, but I think there's like a first principles thing here, okay? So you've probably heard me say, I think 99% of couples should share a single checking account that all the money goes into. And you've heard me say this over and over y'all's debts or y'all's debts. and y'all's bonuses or y'all's bonuses. And so I like that framework. And my wife has her own business and I, it has never occurred to me to get access to that.

Right? Like that's her business account. And I have, I work for a network, right? And so, but I've got, I don't know, multiple streams that come in in different places and all, like my take home, goes, it all goes into the same checking account, right? And so I'm, I'm uncomfortable that you're uncomfortable. Right. So give me some context here. Because I, I, no, my, my immediate answer is,

no, I don't think y'all should share. Let me put it this way. I know the bank that my wife's business is at and I'm on, I've got access to those things, right? But I don't have a debit card with the bank account. I don't have any access. I, like, that doesn't make. any sense to me. And so, no, I would never go spend money out of my wife's, so no, y'all don't need access. It's like there's two different businesses, so no, zero access to that kind of stuff. But your take-home pay that you, y'all pay each other, your draw from each of your individual businesses should go into a single account. So that's what we do. That's exactly what we do. Perfect. And then when it comes to the business, so when he started his business, he started

it because he loved how much I loved being a business owner and doing my own thing. I was like mom before and I could just kind of balance my schedule. But I was struggling financially. I didn't have any other employees or anything. So he started a business and we always joke that he's able to make a lot of money but he's not able to manage it. And he was very nice. If I needed, you know, something for spending for my business, then he would help out. And so now here we are years later. And my business, is doing amazing for the first time ever. I'm completely out of debt with the business. I've got money saved up.

Not a lot, but I do. I'm in a really good place. And I haven't used his business for years and for him all of a sudden to say, hey, I'd like access. And I should say that, you know, if his, so his business is kind of slowing down and he actually has a full-time job doing something else

and he just has this side business. But because he doesn't manage the money well, he often doesn't have enough money. in his account. And he started asking me, hey, can you, you know, transfer for some money? Can I borrow money? And if he borrows, he always gives it back. So it's not a, where I'm not willing to share. It's literally the access for the debit. And I should say that when he asked me this about a week ago, I said, no, but what do you need? I can help you. And he said, hey, I need to transfer in a thousand to pay for something.

And I said, that's no problem at all. And then the next thing I knew, he went into the bank to do it, and he said, well, I didn't need that $1,000, but I went ahead and took $250 out. So I had some cash just in case I needed it. And I said, that's the problem. We can't do that. I budget and I need to know what everything is. If you need that $1,000 for a specific thing, that's one thing.

But if you're just going to take $250 out, that's a totally other thing. And so by the end of the weekend, he ended up meeting $1,500. So all of a sudden I had loaned him close to $2,000 and the $250 that he just kind of took out was, I don't want to say it's lost. He's going to pay me back, but it was unnecessary. And now he totally disagrees with me. He says that we should be sharing our business accounts. And he's threatening divorce.

He's passionate. I'm what I think I'm similar to your wife. and he's similar to you where he has a lot of emotions and feelings. And, I mean, he's almost crying. He's saying, I don't understand why you will not share this with me. Because it's, I don't like that you're loaning money. Right, right. Like that, you all, like, I don't like that he's asking you, can I borrow some money from your business?

I mean, you have a Burger King and he has a McDonald's. Right. Right? And there's no, like, hey, I need to borrow some buns or something. some cups, like they're different. If you wanted to take an extra $1,000 draw and put it into your personal checking account and y'all, like I've joked in my house like when my wife's, she's an author and let's say she's doing a book release party, I'll say I want to invest into your company with our money,

right? Like I want to make an investment into this, I want this book lunch to be even more ridiculous than you want it to be. right right we have that talk but it comes from our checking account right right well and that's what i've but here's the thing this and a gosh i feel like i'm saying this all the time now this business to business thing is the proxy war the real issue is and i'll say this pretty boldly your husband's not trustworthy and now he's threatening divorce right and y'all have way bigger fractures in your marriage than this business? You're 100% correct. I think that I've gotten into a place where becoming more successful and he's not shocked or surprised, but he's used to being the breadwinner, which he still technically is,

but I've got this company that's doing really well. And so he sees it successful. And he'll make small comments. Like one time we were talking to people and I was talking about my new office and he said, oh yeah, I office out of there, but he doesn't. And he's just, I don't know if it's a power thing. Or what it is. It sounds like a deep, deep, weird insecurity. Yes. So I don't know what. You know what I would give for my wife?

Just suddenly just start crushing it. Well, that's what he says. He wants me to be successful. And that's why I'm shocked. And I don't know what to do. I mean, am I standing on my, standing my ground about this account? I think the more y'all fight about the accounts, the further apart you're going to get.

You're missing the main point. Right. Which is, honey, I've seen you become increasingly more dishonest, not to the point that now you're threatening me. You're lying to our friends. Like you told me you needed $1,000 for a specific purchase. I foolishly said I'll loan it to you, which creates a division at our kitchen table.

That's on me. And then you went and stole $250,000, I mean, $250 out of my account. Mm-hmm. You can't do, I mean, my business and his business aren't slush funds, especially for a business that's now a hobby. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets, well, first he gets angry. But this one, he's, I mean, he almost has tears in his eyes, which doesn't happen a whole lot. But he, it's like we're in two different planets.

And I don't know how to make him understand because he just completely disagrees with it. And culturally, he's part Hawaiian. I've noticed as we've been married for almost 20 years, I mean, they're a very giving culture. It's amazing, but it's to their detriment. And I don't know if it's something like that or what it is, but I don't even know how to explain to him that he can't because I need this for my business. And I'm willing to give. One of my best friends is from, I get the cultural part of that. I want to say y'all have built something for two decades.

Right? And y'all have norms and y'all have a world you all have built together. And it appears that the violation of the norm you all have built together is what is what's here. And you going spulunking to try to figure out, well, maybe 30 years ago and 25, like, I'll tell you that's a, it's a distraction from the problem at hand. Right. And so I again, I always come back to these first principles. All you can control is you. And what I am, what I'm going to do and what I'm not going to do.

And if he's to a point where he's weeping with you and saying, you, oh, this is mine. You all have to get to that deeper layer, which is we're on separate pages in our marriage. And we got to rebuild this marriage from the floor up. One built on trust. And you got to tell the truth. and you like if you need money for a thing it's going to come out of our joint checking account we're not just going to trade business dollars back and forth to each other okay but again like the the the and i use the word flippant not as like a as a pejorative not as a negative thing right but how flippant you are about yeah here's take this take this um that I'm trying to say this carefully you can just say it Yeah, I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it carefully. You're dangerously close if you're not already to have lost respect for this guy.

I have. Okay. That's where we got to start. I agree. Because, so I know that diagnosis, but I mean, he is ADHD and bipolar. I'm clinically diagnosed, and I've known it for a while. We spent quite a bit of time on it. Is he being treated? So he was, but now he's. Stop taking his medicine. Okay.

And that's a whole other thing. Yeah. Because he has his highs and his lows, and he doesn't like, he always has this stigma, you know, because when he's on his medicine, I can tell if he didn't take it. And all of a sudden, he's so mean. He's so mean. But that's not who he is. You know, I love him so much. Hold on, Lynn.

Hold on, Lynn. It is. It's part of him. Right. Right. It is. Right. It's part of it.

I mean, I have things that are wrong with me and I take medicine. I try and tell him, this helps you. Totally. So, but, so yes, going back to the respect thing, you know, are taxes. I can't do my business taxes because he has been procrastinating on his business taxes, which then effect are personal taxes. Or, you know, when he's spending money and I know that he shouldn't be in his company, it's almost like I want my company, yes, because it's mine, but because I can hold us

in case something else happens where he's dropped the ball because he's procrastinating or not, managing or not planning or doing something. And so I'm just trying my best. But if I talk to him about it, he always comes back to, you always say it's me. I'm always the problem. But what if it's you?

And I don't want to feel like I'm on my high horse at all. But I know that he's not treating something that he has. And we just get stuck because I don't want to argue with him. Well, and so that's got to be the baseline. Okay. Like you have to do the things that you need to do just to be well and whole. And what an amazing.

stroke of luck, blessing, whatever you want to call it, to be alive in a sliver of history where sitting with somebody at some intervals, weekly, monthly, and taking the right medication can be transformative. How amazing, right? Right. Amazing. And so I will net, I mean, my whole career, my whole life has been sitting with people who have all kinds of different struggles but sometimes you can't change you can't just snap your fingers and like weightlift or you know nutrition your way out of certain psychiatric conditions that's that that just isn't is the same as you can't just like nutrition your way out of out of certain medical conditions right cancer like whatever but it's your responsibility to go get treatment and to stay a part of to keep

treatment protocols going so that you can show up and y'all can anchor into each other. And you are not, not only are you not a bad wife, I would actually say you're an incredibly loving partner. If there are seasons when you have to say for the sake of our home so that we can keep it, for the sake of our light so they'll stay on, for the sake of our groceries so we can still have them. I'm moving my money. to this account so that because you're unpredictable. And if you're with somebody who's with untreated bipolar, there's going to be real highs, highs,

and we don't talk about it very much because the highs get a lot of the credit, but there's the low lows are what's tough. Exactly right. And so I have to, because I love you this much, weather this storm. Or your other or what statement is, if you are unwilling to love me enough,

to love yourself enough, more importantly, to do what you need to do to stay well and whole, then I have to make other choices then. Because you are increasingly unsafe. It sounds to me, and again, tell me if I'm wrong, it sounds to me like you're holding on to a marriage that doesn't exist. I didn't think you'd say that, but, I mean, I've thought it. I just, you know, I listen to you a lot,

and I hear the people that love their spouses, and they're trying really hard. And I don't know if, I don't know, I don't know what the right answer is because I know he loves me. He's just sick. Yeah. But he won't fix it. Yeah.

And so if you choose to stay in this, which is I, I, a thousand percent support, I mean, you're a grownup. You do what you want and I will sit here with you. Know that staying in this with a husband who is struggling and refuses to manage it. And that's, he has to decide he wants to do this. that. Right. Or submit to somebody who will help him with that. He won't do either. Then to remain in that, to remain safe in that, then you have to fill in the blank, right? You've got to take control of what you can control. And that means I'm going to weather these storms. I'm going to walk away from the outbursts. I'm going to protect us and myself financially. Again, I wish I had

more concrete. You need to go do this and this and this. The other thing you might do that I would probably do in your situation is reach out to his psychiatrist who he used to see to reach out to his therapist who he might have seen in the past and let him know he's headed down a pretty rough track and see if there's any way they can reach out they can do some supportive care because I'm afraid he's going to get to a place where he starts burning so many bridges he it's it's going to it will escalate it at a pace that he can't that you can't that nobody can grab and then you get to wait for the rack the rack and I don't wish that on anybody Yeah, I'm so sorry I can't be more help other than to say you're not out of your mind,

but I want you to, the best you can, step all the way back and begin to look at this clearly. And if you have a couple of people in your life that you trust, whether it's a therapist, whether there's some good friends, to say, hey, I need some wisdom on this thing. What are you all seeing too? What are you all experiencing also? Because this type of behavior is going to be showing up at his day job. And this type of behavior is going to be showing up at his side hustle. There's going to be messes, everything.

everywhere and maybe a some sort of intervention some sort of cohort of people who can sit in the living room and say hey we love you too much to let this let you keep um setting your life on fire maybe um i haven't seen a lot of those be successful in this particular situation with with bipolar but maybe that's a shot thank you for the call sister i wish i could be more direct help here um but we're with you and if he ever wants to call on the show i'm happy to talk to him happy happy talks from him. We come back. A woman asks how to know if rebuilding a relationship with her estranged dad is healthy or driven by guilt. We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic

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Hit the like, share, subscribe, whatever buttons, and share the episode with friends or family that you think would benefit. That would really be grateful for everybody. not grateful for everybody. My words aren't working good. That would be awesome for everybody. How about that? And I would be grateful.

Kelly, she doesn't have a lot of gratitude in her heart and spirit. So who knows? She might be, though. Let's go to Wichita, talk to Wichita, Kansas, and talk to Rebecca.

Hey, Rebecca, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Good morning. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good, great. So I've listened to your show

for quite some time. And I didn't have any inkling just yet to, you know, put in a question to you, but a few weeks ago on one of the recent episodes, you had a pastor that, you know, had a conflicting issue with marrying his, his soon-to-be wife with very controlling parents or just seeing the relationship of the parents were a lot deeper in layers than expected and And that episode definitely spoke to me very much so. So my question is I have been no contact with my father up until just August. It's been about 10 years since I moved to Wichita Hall for work and got a couple things with kind of textbook. He had an affair for probably 10 plus years, God know how's long, with an individual that, you know, kind of suspected but wasn't shocked.

But the issue where it came to just cutting clean ties with him was he had a lot of lies that built up the whole deceit show. Like, I didn't admit that this happened, went through a whole, like, a lot of, what's it called, charades to show that, you know, I'm the family man. And I'm this, I'm that all for everybody else except my mom. And when I found out, they had told us, like, right after my college graduation, that they were not living together for a couple years and didn't realize that because I was out of state. And he travels a lot. And there was just enough of things that it's hard because growing up, looking back, he was my best friend. We did almost everything together.

everything I've done up till now was his influence, but it happened to be something I was passionate about with my work, with my hobbies, everything. And after my mom officially found out, like, when I first moved to Kansas, I was like, yep, that was it. You know, I was trying to do my best to put up front with for my parents to be cordial, but that's when I just decided just to cut off ties.

And he's been, every so often, been emailing me in last 10 years trying to connect back. And I told him, I said, I'm not ready. And when I'm ready, I will reach out, but don't come on your turn. And we've seen each other for a couple funerals, my sister's wedding last year. So we've kind of existed in the space, but it was very weird the first few times because it felt like a stranger. So are you thinking about reconnecting with them now? I have. Okay.

I have opened up just in August. I had an option to invite five people for my master's graduation, and so I extended that, and it was in California. So I went ahead and did that. And when I finally did that, it felt very, oh, my goodness, it felt like I was talking with a work colleague. was the dad. I have personally, Dr. John,

since I had cut ties with my dad, I felt like I grieved the dad that I, that raised me. I had come to terms with it, but there has always been the last probably two, two, three and a half years that I'm like, should I reconnect? Do you think,

I always check with myself, is it time? Should I do it? And I've always either chickened out or just felt like because he's always advised me what to do for my whole life. I'm like, I'm afraid that once I let him in, he's going to start backseat driving my life again. So I have come up until now I'm 30, almost 34, and I've managed 10 years in my adulthood to make myself my own person. So let me jump in here. So what is it?

It sounds like the person you don't trust here is you. Hmm. Okay. So if, and you may have heard me say this before, but one of the most disorienting things that I hear from couples who experience somebody cheated on the other person is not only the deceit, right? Not only like the image of you having sex with somebody else, but how did I not know? what does that say about me and or what kind of person am I to have been not seen the signs and been with somebody who could do that kind of thing

so what I hear often is yeah I don't trust my partner anymore but I've lost trust in me or you may have a really strong opinion like if you ever cheat on me I'm out of here and then you choose to stay and then there's that like self-judge judgment, like, oh man, I've been judging all these other women, all these other men for staying for all these years. And now I'm that person. And so it's disorienting. And I think, yeah, go ahead, sorry. Well, and I think one of the cornerstones of adulthood is the both and. Because if you're honest, and this is a hard honesty, your dad was really helpful to you. And he gave you a lot of building blocks. And he encouraged. your passions and he put a lot of jet fuel in your in your tank and he destroyed your mom both things are true he blew up your family and then he lied to everybody about it for years both things are true

and i think the the in the world we live in now what we like to do is mine something one comment somebody made 15, 20 years ago. And we like to drag that and say, that is who that person is. Forget all this other stuff. Or we like to say, if you do good, good, good, good, and then, man, you really mess this up. All of the good gets wiped away. And I think the complexity of being a grown-up, the complexity of being well and whole is being able to hold the tension. Mm-hmm. And I feel like, too, where I feel like this last 10 years have opened my eyes as an adult. So, like, I knew that as a child, as a teenager, I couldn't control anything my dad did. So I have accepted that fact a lot. So that's done. However, I feel like what sucks is the last 10 years, I have learned what really, you know, other parents and different parenting styles could do. Like, what other

friends of mine childhood had. Like, frankly, I have told people that, you know, I haven't had contact or relationships with my dad as an adult, but my father-law has become more of a dad for me than my own dad. And I feel like you're probably hitting a point of that it's maybe an inner me thing that I am starting to second guess myself of like, maybe this is what we should have, I should have had as a relationship or I sound like I have an expectation. going forward of what should be. And it's very hard. And I'm trying to, there's a part of me that I'm like,

I want to feel like I want to rebuild with my dad. But at the same time, it feels so fake at the same time, too. Because there's so much stuff that's been broken in between that, you know. And so I want you to, and this is an exercise, right, but I want you to stop saying I should have. Because you're here now. Mm-hmm. And I will celebrate the fact that you lost your dad and you opened yourself up to let another amazing paternal figure into your life who's been incredible.

Mm-hmm. And there's going to come some grief with that because that should have been your dad and it wasn't. And there's some joy there because he showed up and he's still showing up. That's all great. And wanting it to be either or. all awesome or all bad, it just isn't reality. The reality is it's messy. Yeah.

And so the question you have to ask yourself is not what I should have done five years ago or seven years ago. The question is, what are you going to do now? And I personally don't know that you need a big existential why at this point. Okay. Just kind of drip feed it essentially. I think it's good for you to ask yourself, like, what am I hoping to achieve with this relationship? Mm-hmm. Because we're reestablishing it, and what do I want this to look like?

Okay. And if part of you, now that you're 34, do you have kids yet? We're wanting to and we're trying to, yeah. Okay. So if part of you, way down in there, underneath your anger and your heartbreak and your grief, kind of wishes you still had some of that dad advice, that doesn't make you a bad person. Doesn't make you weak.

And if some of you is terrified or all of you is terrified that he's going to come in and try to co-manage your life again, you're probably right, but you're 34 years old. You're married. You get to choose what that looks like. And if he chooses to run over your boundaries again, then he is choosing once again to not be in a relationship with you. That's fair.

Yeah. And what I'm kind of going forward now, I think graduation was the first big step because that was on my terms of inviting him in. I, in the last, you know, I'm not from here. So when I do go visit family back in California, I check myself, I'm like, do I want to meet up with dad this time around? Maybe not. Maybe this time. and I've got a couple opportunities going back to California, the remaining of this year that I'm like, okay, do I want to,

last time I was there last week, and I could have, we just, our schedules couldn't connect, but I was like, should I just meet with him, him and I, you know, cards on the table kind of open. Take should off. Take should off. Okay. And ask yourself, do I want to go have coffee with this guy, who I haven't talked to in a decade who is basically a stranger.

And do I want to reestablish as though he is somebody that I used to know? Yeah. And knowing I can always just get up and walk out of the coffee shop. I'm a grown up. I'm 34 years old. And I know your body will instantly transform you to 10. I know that's how that works. Yeah.

Right? But knowing, pre-setting up with your husband, I'm going to text you and you're going to come get me. me or like what like i i'm going to open my heart up a little bit again and by doing that i might get filled up with joy and love and i might get filled up with more pain that's the human experience yeah and i think there's a part of me too there little detail there um he ended up marrying this person and now has a i think he's six or seven now yeah so you have a half support yeah he's got his own family, yep. Yeah. Yeah. And so there's a whole lot of thing. I'm trying to impact myself.

Yeah, I think the, I think the lie that my community, the mental health community has handed you is that if you get all these thoughts in the right order, if you do all the thinking about it all, that it will all make sense one way or the other. And that's just not how it works. What will make sense is you sitting down and saying, this feels fake, but I don't know you, kind of like a hinge date. Yeah, very much. Right. And so it's like, I'm sitting here.

Hello, stranger. Who, by the way, when I was young, gave me life, gave me a bunch of wisdom, put me on a path. It's now the path I've been on and blew my family up. And so there's something to be said for, I'm in the driver's seat and I'm going to have a cup of coffee with this guy. and I'll tell you on this end whatever imaginary conversations you've had with him like letting him have it it will not feel as good as you think it's going to

it just won't I think I would be too scared well you'll end up feeling more sick and on the other side of it just going there and pretending nothing's happening being like dad I've missed you that's not true either no and so something about looking him in the eye

and saying what you did hurt us, but you did hurt me. And I've had 10 years of growing up and I'm ready to meet you again for the first time. So you think probably, and I think the first meeting we had was very much felt like we were pretending like,

yeah, we've like picked off where kind of strangers are last time I saw him because it was a bigger group setting. Sure. you think that we can just because it's just going to be the two of us, at least in a public environment, just cards on table. I don't know him. And I don't know you. I know I have entered back into a lot of these type of situations.

Okay. And I'm a sucker for sentimentality. I'm a sucker for I'm overly optimistic all of the time about former relationships. Yeah. To a looney-tune degree. Right? And so I know that about myself and I get myself hurt all the time. And it makes my wife sad.

Yeah. And I definitely don't want, and what has been bothering me last 10 years when he's tried to put him back in himself is he pulled on the heartstrings of, you know, the memories that we've had together. I was like, I get it. I've got it. It's in my head. And I forever will remember.

But stop pulling up that. And if you want to make me memories. If you know he's manipulative and he's trying to get his hooks back in you, then I would stay away. And if he is a heartbroken dad who knows he blew up everything and is trying to move on, but he's got a humongous daughter-sized hole in his heart, he probably thinks of those memories every single day. And so I'm not going to fault somebody. If I know somebody is trying, I'm not going to fault if the way they're trying isn't the most perfect way. and you're going to have to choose to not be led by feelings because none of this will quote unquote feel right as it's happening

you're going to have to have a pre-established if he says these things I'm going to say hey I don't want to talk about that if he starts lying again or if he like what I'm going to get up and walk out if he's disrespectful or rude or ugly whatever and if he says I've missed my daughter how can I make this right I'd like to get to to know you again. You have an amazing little step sister, little stepbrother.

Like, you get to decide what that looks like, and it's going to feel awkward, and it's going to feel uncomfortable, and it's going to feel like I just want to hug him so tight until his head pops off, and I want to hit him as hard as I can't. All those feelings are going to be all over the place. Can we have those feelings and

trust ourselves enough to stick to the purpose of this conversation is to say hello. Just say hello. and if we don't want to do that we're not going to do that but we're going to take the shoulds off the table because you'll get buried in shoulds and you're going to get buried in should halves and you're going to get buried in maybe I'm 34 I've got my life I've got some great support I got a great husband I got a great gang working on starting a family but I miss my dad the good and not the bad. So maybe I'll have a cup of coffee or maybe I won't. You're the grown up now so you get to

make that call. But as a sucker, I would go on that, go have coffee because that's, that's the life I've chosen to live. And more often than not, I get my heartbroken. And when I don't get my heartbroken, I've got some life, life, life, life, lifelong friends. Because I wouldn't have that cover coffee. That's a risk, and such as relationships and love and life. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Here's something most people don't think about. You wake up a little stiff, a little tired, and you figure that's just how sleep is nowadays. But the truth is, you've gotten so used to the mattress you've been sleeping on for the last 10 or 15 or 20 years that you don't even realize how bad your mattress actually is. And it may be, while you're not

sleeping well. And I got to say this too. Old mattresses get gross. Now is it time to finally get a new mattress and switch to Helix. Sleeping on a Helix mattress will help you sleep better and better sleep affects everything else, including your attitude, your emotional regulation, and your health. With more than 20 different mattress models, Helix has a mattress designed just for you. Whether you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, whether you sleep hot or you and your partner have different you need Helix. Get online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and Helix will match you with a mattress built around how you actually sleep. I sleep on a Helix mattress every night. It's the mattress I have in every room of my house and it's the mattress I recommend to

all of my friends and all of my family. You don't know what you've been putting up with when it comes to your mattress until you finally make the switch and wake up feeling rested and restored. Go to helix sleep.com slash deloni to save 20% off site wide this month. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, Helixleep.com slash Deloni, or click the link in the description. With Helix Better Sleep starts right now. All right, something awesome happened. What is it, Kelly? All right, this is from Sarah in Indiana.

I'm not going to try and name the town because I can't pronounce it. So she's in Indiana. We're working on a reading good. We are. Well, Al, I'm going to pronounce it wrong. Hey, you're going to get there, Kelly. Don't give up. Don't give up.

You're an ass. I can read that. You can read that. That's only, that word's only got three letters in it. But it's what I use a lot. Yeah, you do. All right, so Sarah writes, not really a question,

but I'm not great with technology and clicking the link in the show notes is like asking me to find Narnia. So here we are. Sarah, shout out. Shout out. I still don't even know what a link in the show notes is. All right. I want to thank you for the incredibly important work you and your team are doing. I am the adult child of emotionally immature parents. I have a raging case of ADHD. I'm the wife to an incredible man who has stuck by me during a lot of bad behavior that I wasn't aware of.

And the cherry on top is that I'm a young female criminal defense attorney in rural Indiana running my own private practice and also maintaining a public defender caseload. My goodness, Sarah. Gravy on a stick. Seriously. Sarah's a gangster, dude. I started my own mental health journey earlier this year, and your podcast and book have become a part of that journey. More importantly, you are free therapy I can connect my clients to in an area with very limited resources. I share relevant episodes with my clients, and I keep your book and workbook in stock on my free mental health library in my lobby.

So thank you for all of these life-changing resources. Dude, that's awesome. shout out Sarah for being just a gangster. That's awesome. And thank you for, man, I have high, high, high respect for folks who are on the public defender registry who help out folks in their communities. And especially in rural communities, that is a special kind of person who does that. So kudos to you. And thanks for sending the show around.

This show should never be mistaken for therapy. I'm just a goofball on a podcast. but I do appreciate you sharing the episodes for folks you think might benefit from it. Thank you so much for caring for your community. It's awesome. Way to go, Sarah. See, Kelly, that's what a good person does with their life.

How would you know? Love you guys. Bye.