The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “My Parents Are Racists”

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

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I started dating my boyfriend, and he is just the best. He's been nothing but kind and caring, but my parents don't like him, and they don't want to have anything to do with me now because I'm dating someone outside of my race. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people, going through any number of wild things. Family stuff, your mental and emotional health,

your kids, your marriages, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on the show. And don't forget, take two seconds, please, to subscribe to the show, to share it to your friends, pass along episodes. Man, it makes such a huge difference for everybody. Everybody in the club.

So go out to Little Rock, Arkansas, and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing well. Excellent. What's up? So I wanted to call and ask you today about a family issue that I'm having. Probably two years ago at this point, I started dating my boyfriend, and he's just the best.

I anything positive I could ever say I I mean it towards this man he's been nothing but kind and caring he's helped me through some of the the scariest and hardest times of my life so far but gross there's a there's a butt okay I thought you're just going to call and say I'm dating somebody awesome it's me my favorite call I've ever taken on the show but there's a but what's the butt but but but my parents don't like him and They don't want to have anything to do with me now because I'm dating someone outside of my race. And I think, yeah. So just for context, I guess, I'm white and he is Latino.

And that has been enough for them to call me on this past Christmas Eve and let me know that they don't want anything to do with him. and my parents haven't talked to me in six months. So at this point, I've gone through so much in the past six months. Yeah, hold on, just sit there. Don't even try to run over it for a second. I'll just sit in this with you. I hate this for you. I hate this for him.

Yeah, it isn't how it should be. I'm sorry. It's gross. It's disgusting. It's all those things. You know that. Yeah. I hate it for you.

How old are you? I'm 29. 29. Man. So they called you on Christmas Eve and said, hey, don't come. I don't want him at our house. Yes. What's his nationality?

I know you said Latino, but is he Mexican? Is he? What is he? Yes, he's Mexican, but I mean he's American citizen, born in America, everything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to get heritage. So, yeah, I hate that that's still here. and where we live, but it is.

I hate it. Hate it, hate it. So how can I help? I mean, what a mess. What a mess. I mean, at this point, I don't think there's any salvaging the relationship with my parents, unfortunately. No, they chose bigotry and hatred over their daughter

and over a really good man and over a potential amazing, Like they have as a dad of a daughter My dream is my daughter calls me one day and says Dad I've met this guy and describes him exactly as you just described Your boyfriend of two years right? Exactly Like that he's amazing and sits with me during hard stuff And he treats me like like a princess like all those things

Like the way you just described him That's how I want my daughter to call me and say dad I've met this guy And I as her dad, I'm going to say, let me have him. Of course. But my goodness. That's my dream. That's my dream.

And that's the way it should be. I'm sorry. Thank you. Yeah. I don't have a good answer for you other than they've made their position pretty clear. And go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry.

No, I guess I just don't know how to move forward with my life because I had a, a major medical emergency at the beginning of this year. And I could have died from what happened. And it's really just made this sit on my heart even heavier because they have no idea that even happened. So I... Yeah, but listen, they walked away from you. They chose bigotry and hatred over loving their daughter.

And I hate that you had to go through this alone, but it's a choice they made. you know what I'm saying and so you're right to be heartbroken you're right to feel lonely you're right to be like deeply sad but don't add to that a layer of I should have

done something different right right because you're doing everything right and in your moment of need even as a 29 year old your parents said no we choose hatred over over love

right And just for whatever it's worth, it should never be that way. It should never be that way. I mean, beyond the obvious nonsense of this particular situation, right? They've been doing this to you your whole life, haven't they? Yeah. I would say we, I didn't really have the best relationship with my parents. Because there's somebody who weaponizes their relationship with their children to get what they want.

That's evil. Ashley. You know what I mean? That's cruelty in like in the worst kind of way. That a parent would dangle their relationship, their love over their child's head, like the sort of Damocles and say you, you sing and dance how I want you to sing and dance, or I'm withdrawing the one thing that will keep a child alive and that's the connectivity to caring adults. It's cruel. I mean, that's just, oh man. Yeah. So my question for you is like not by your hand but in your lap this thing's happened your parents cut you off that means the work ahead of you is not to go crawling back to them and say okay i'll become somebody i don't respect

i will live out of like not aligned with values and by way this isn't even like a belief difference right like i believe in this and y'all believe in that we can still agree or disagree at the table this is them saying you're not welcome here right exactly Which is wild. I mean, it's, I'm laughing to keep from cursing, right? So the question for you, the work ahead of you is, who are you going to put in your life that you can lean on that will sit with you when you're in the hospital?

And it can't just be just a boyfriend. It's got to be a gang. It's got to be a community. It should be your family, but they laughed. Do you have siblings? I do. I do. probably my best friend in this world is my younger sister.

And how she responded to all this madness? They've kept it really siloed, so they haven't told her anything in relation to me. They just kind of pretend like I don't exist now. And I'm the one kind of telling her, you know, hey, this is happening between me, mom and dad. And that's just how it is. She thinks it's horrible. She doesn't agree with any of it. Why hasn't she called it out with them?

I mean, she doesn't want to rock the boat. The boat has been rocked. Your parents shot holes in the boat. They blew it up. There's no boat anymore. Like, and again, I don't put her on blast because she's not on the phone, but there comes a moment when somebody's being abusive, when somebody's being so grotesque that there's a line.

You're still my parents, of course, right? they'll always be her biological parents but at some point there are two adults that are destroying my sister and I have to choose who I'm going to stand with you know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, I hear you. And I get that she's trapped in the middle and all this

but at some point, man, I'll just say this, family members are not, I just don't associate with people who live like that who live hatred first. I've probably the vast majority of my friends disagree with me on things but we still love each other and care about each other that's awesome my family members and I disagree on just about everything on the planet

but none of us lead hate first yeah so what's your next move what are you going to do next I I'm not sure honestly I I've just been taking it one day at a time I mean I'm starting there soon. I think that's really the only move I have in my my pocket at the moment. So I'm going to give you some different, some action steps, okay? Okay. Therapy's probably good to unpack all this, but I want you to have a clear action plan.

Okay. Do you have college professors? Do you have minister? Do you have local folks in your community, maybe even your boyfriend's parents that you could sit down across the table with and say, hey, my parents have walked away, and I'm going to need some adults in my life that are 10 years, 15 years, 20 years ahead of me. I'm choosing you. Like, if somebody did that to me, it's happened in my life. It's one of the most honoring things when a young person sits down and says, hey, I'm going to need you to walk alongside me. And I'll tell them, like, you can always call my phone. I'll always answer.

Right. But that's your work, is you identifying who is two or three or five or seven people. down the road from me. And you having a couple of hard conversations with your sister and other siblings. And then it gets real nitty gritty when you're like, hey, I've got to plan alternative Thanksgivings and alternative Christmases.

Because I'm not going to sit at home on Christmas by myself and just be devastated that mom and dad cut me off because they're racist bigot hating people. I'm going to take the clumsy awkward steps to surround myself with people that I care about, and we're going to celebrate holidays, and we're going to have meals together. Right.

It's the grief is going to be there, but what are the things, not that you're going to get in a room and just talk about and talk about and talk about, but what are the things you're going to do to begin to build the life that you want? I like that a lot. I'll definitely do that.

You promise? You promise you'll start being affirmative and, like, reaching out because it's going to be hard, but you've been sitting alone by yourself for six months, just in that fog. And the fog won't lift on its own, I guess is what I'm saying. It's going to take action steps for you moving forward. No, that definitely makes sense.

I promise I'll make an effort to do that. And your body's going to want to protect you from that because it's been hurt by the people that were supposed to love you the most. And I want you to, like, sometimes you'll have to catch yourself and put your fist in your chest and say, I got you. You're trying to take care of me. I'm good. But I need some people in my life,

and so I'm going to go, I'm going to go be weird. I'm going to go first and be weird, right? Let me ask you this. When is this knucklehead going to marry you? Soon. We've already been looking at rings, so probably by the end of the year.

Gross. Tell them to hurry up. I don't know. I'll say Dr. Johnson, hurry. Good. And since your dad opted out, tell him he can call me and ask for my blessing, and I'll put him through the ringer on the air.

How about that? That sounds good. Is that good? Perfect. Thank you. Awesome. Hey, you're not crazy. This is wrong and disgusting and gross at every level.

And as the dad who loves, I just drop my daughter off at a day camp, like a summer, I don't know, arts and crafts camp or something. She's super creative. I don't know what they're building robot things. I don't know what they're doing. But when she got out of the car, it still catches my breath because I love that girl so much. and I want you to hear me say my hope and my prayer for my daughter is she calls me one day and says, Dad, I met this guy who, and almost verbatim

what you said about that guy when you first called me. Okay? Yeah. You're not crazy. Sounds like he's an awesome guy, and he won the lottery with you. Thank you so much. And you with him, right? For sure.

Gross! But so, awesome. Hey, for real, thank you for calling, and that's all I'm going to say. I'm going to get myself in trouble. I just, life's too short and not going to be around people who hate first and

who discriminate first. I'm just out on that. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of it. I'm grossed out by it. I'm done with it. I'm going to be around people who want to go make this world a better place and who are going to be surrounding themselves with all kinds of people, especially people who love really well.

Thanks for call, Ashley. Tell that guy to call me. I can't we talk to him. We come back. A man asks how to handle finances when his spouse refuses to discuss money. We'll be right back. This weekend, I got a big box into my house, and when I opened it up, it was full of Thorn Supplements. When it comes to supplements, there's one company I trust.

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That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloni. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and talk to Walter White. What's up, Walter? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? Good, thanks. So what's up? My question is, my wife and I have set the goal of purchasing a house early next year.

And, of course, you know, there's a lot of financial planning that has to get around. You know, that's part of that. And, you know, my wife is a bit of a spender, and when we try to talk about it, things just never go well. And, you know, me handling the finances, I'm, you know, looking at the writing on the wall, and I just don't see how the math is going to get us there. And it just doesn't go well when we try to talk about it. Which part, well, there's a couple different paths here. Path one is you are a guy who, and I'm going to start with the negative first, okay?

Or I'm going to start with the mirror first for you. you're a guy who always has a plan and I don't mean that in a positive way I mean that like you always got a scheme right like oh dude I'm gonna get some crypto and I'm gonna day trade and like you always have a thing like I'm gonna get into Tupperware and essential oils and your your love language

which I'm not a I'm not a super fan of but like you're with that of that phrase but like the thing that would get you in the mood for a hot and heavy night is a spreadsheet and is that you? Are you that guy? And by the way, that doesn't make you a bad guy. But is that you or no?

No, I wouldn't say that. Okay. I would say, yeah. I've been a schemer in my past, and I recognized, you know, after doing some reflective work, like, oh, I'm so annoying to talk to, and I'm unreasonable to talk to you.

Okay. So the other side of this thing, which I never like to talk bad about anybody's wife, but here we are. Is she bullheaded and unreasonable? Like, I don't care what math is. All my friends, all my neighbors, whatever, have this house, have this car, and that's what I'm going to have. Kind of a spoiled brat.

Is that her? I think she just very much lives in the here and now and sometimes struggles with, you know, looking forward. She had a very unsafe and a very traumatic childhood. And I think she's just, I feel like sometimes she's just looking for, you know, comfort now, if that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, I get it. True healing from an unsafe childhood is getting, is, it's not being safe right this second, right? Like, there's a, there's psychology on like a poverty mindset, which is, I don't have time to think about tomorrow or next year or my retirement. I need food today.

Right. Right. And so helping somebody from who grew up in abject poverty, who grew up with like wondering if a meal was going to come, is teaching them to get their eyes off of today and begin looking at tomorrow and beyond. It just takes, that's a process. But it sounds like you're being overly generous.

Like you don't want to talk bad about your wife, which I super respect, super respect. But there comes, let me say, this way. There comes a point when I want to be safe, right? My wife's out of town. It's just me and my daughter right now. It took everything in my bones to not have

ice cream for breakfast. You know why? Because it sounded delicious and I wanted it. Right? Like, I had to think about future John tonight and tomorrow and I would feel terrible and then I'd be grumpy and then blah blah. And so, like, it's a context, not an excuse.

Like, I get that She wants to just live life right now. But that's not an excuse for making bad decisions that are going to endanger the future of y'all's family unit financially. Yeah. So I guess if I had a, you know, like you said, it's hard to have this thing to protect my life. But I guess if I had to put, you know, opinion exactly what it is, is I think my wife has a, and she's acknowledged it in passing, but a pretty serious spending problem. Okay. And I'm, you know, we're, it just seems like I'm never going to, we're never going to get out of it.

And no matter how much, and, you know, the house, you know, getting a house financing it all, you know, I'm all just, I'm expected to get it done. And I feel like I can't. Okay. I'm going to call you out on that. You have to say no. And you have to be willing to weather the storm for the sake of your, you and your family's safety. and for the sake of your marriage. And what that looks like is,

I can't just get this done unless we have an honest conversation about math. And so when you're ready to do that, I will drop what I'm doing and we'll take a hard, real, honest look at where we are. But you're talking as though she's your boss and she's going to fire you, right? And if she is, if she's willing to walk out the door

because her husband wants to keep people safe and wants to be rational when it comes to money, unlike anybody else on the planet? Because by the way, this isn't the only place that happens in your marriage, is it? No. Right. She also wants what she wants when she wants it in other areas too, right? Yes. Yeah. And so I want you to be her husband, not her dad. I want you to be her husband and not her personal assistant. Yeah, that makes sense. And at some point, you have to start with what does self-respect look like? Am I becoming the man, the partner, the husband, the friend that I want to be, the answer's no.

Or you wouldn't be calling me. And what would it look like for me to get there? And you're going to have to weather that storm in between. So if you sat down, like roleplayed that with me, if you sat down and said, hey, where are we on this? Are we getting this house? I found the house that I want. And you said, honey, I'm not looking at a house.

I'm not filling an application until you and I sit down and have an honest conversation about money. When you're ready to do that. In fact, I've moved some things around So Wednesday night at 7 o'clock I'm ready to do that If you want to come, great, if you don't, okay, you tell me when

What would she do? What would her response actually be in real life? She'd probably get angry. Okay, what does anger look like for her? Very defensive. You know, and try to point out, you know, I, you know, I've given up so much for, for this marriage and this family, and I've already given so much.

What is she given? I mean, she, you know, she's, she stopped, you know, we, she has a tenure, she had a tenure from prior marriage that I've since adopted. Okay. And she's stopped going on, you know, she put off school because we had another baby, and we actually have a third one on the way. and, you know, her family does not, what little family she has does not live near here. She grew up in the foster care system, so her closest family is some foster parents

that moved away a couple years ago. And she just, there's this recurring thing about how she said, like, if we, you know, if we weren't married, your life wouldn't change and mine would change dramatically. What does that even mean? I think she means that. I think she feels that we're not equal partners.

I think, you know, she's mentioned that, you know, since I'm the one who has an income and she stays home with our kids, that she, you know, I act like, I think I'm superior to her. Is she right? Or is she just projecting that on to you? I feel like I try really, really hard to involve her in everything, in our conversations and everything.

And it just, you know, it just really stresses her out. And her instinct, her reaction is always to, you know, come back at me to try to, you know, counter, I don't know, make me upset too. I'm not sure. I mean, I have a problem with conflict avoidance. That's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. Sure. And so conflict is really, really hard to me. And I feel like there's a part of me that she knows that

and might try to use it to sort of shut down hard conversations. But in that moment, you have a choice, which is to be sturdy, right? Like knowing you have a problem with conflict is a big part of the solution there. Like, oh, my body starts to shut down when I do this. I need to stand firm. Not to fight and combat you, but to be a port in the storm. And there's a weird dance that y'all are going to get into, which is a kid who grew up in the foster system, who's then left her foster parents, who also was in a previous relationship where she had another child. Like, she's always going to be testing to see whether you're going to leave too.

Yeah. And she knows how to make you leave. You don't walk out the door, but she knows how to get your spirit to leave your body. Yeah. And so part of breaking that dance is you letting her know, I'm going to stop withdrawing. However uncomfortable it feels for you, I'm going to be a man of integrity.

I'm going to stand here in the storm, and I'm not going to yell. I'm not going to scream, but I'm not going to run away either. I love you too much. I'm in this with you. But do you get how you prove her point every time? Yeah.

Yeah. I think what scares me the most is, you know, a few times, every, we have to have these hard discussions. The ultimate, like what it boils down to

a lot of times is just, well, if you don't like being married to me, you can leave me. What's your response to that?

I've said very clearly, you know, I'm never going to leave you. I'm never going to leave you. Yeah. And it just, it just keeps, but it just makes me,

It just makes me afraid that, you know, if everything I do results in this, what I feel like is an overreactive anger that the next thing I do is going to be the thing that, you know, she finally does it. So I want to give you something. I'm going to tell you something that hopefully will free you and hopefully will make you sad too. Is that cool? Sure. her responses are not about you. There's a six-year-old little girl in there saying he's going to go to. Everybody's always left.

Yeah. Right? And so her responses to you are not about you. They're about her body trying to keep her safe. Now, what it's doing is it's ending her relationship, right? So if you listen to my show, you always hear me say, the things that kept us safe as a kid will destroy our adult relationships. That's happening in real time in your home, right?

Right. Right. And it will take some weathering of the storm. I'm never going to leave you. I love being married to you. I don't love the situation that you and I have both found ourselves in, and together you and I can walk through this. But I love being married to you.

I want to get you a house too. We're just not there yet. I want to have tons of nice things, but that means we're going to have to sacrifice for a short season. Yeah. And you take the problem off her chest and you put it out across the table. and I also know if she's not well is she willing to go talk to somebody

she's been seeing the same therapist since she was 16 years old okay she needs somebody new because they're not helping because she doesn't have action steps and strategies for being a wife and a mother and a regulated person in the real world moving forward you know what I'm saying

yeah I mean you know having that's a relationship that she's how longer than she's known me. And I don't know how I would approach mentioning that to her. You know, hey, maybe it's, maybe it's time you saw someone else. I'm not sure how to do that. I would invite her.

I would tell her that, hey, I want to learn some skills. I love you more than life itself. And I feel like sometimes the story I tell myself is I don't communicate that well enough to you. And so I would love for you to come with me and help me. me practice some new skills so that I can love you better. And that when you do that, you're taking all of the weight and putting it on you, and you're actually giving her a role to play in you being well. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. Yeah. And my hope would be that she can, and you all walk into a marriage therapist office and you say, we are only interested in learning new skills for how we can build an amazing marriage moving forward. Because the proxy war here is the math problem, is they getting the house. The real problem is you're married to a woman who's got a pretty traumatic background who's now a very immature adult.

Yeah. Every moment she opens her eyes, she feels less than in her own home. And I trust you that you're not like, I make the money around here and that you drive way nicer car than her and that you always decide where y'all go to eat. Like, I'm trusting that that's not you. and that the majority of the challenge here lies in her own chest. Like she's just got to believe and slowly practice just because he's the one. Like I, I, my wife largely, she has a small business that she runs, but the vast, vast, vast majority of income in our house comes with a paycheck with my name on it.

Right. But make no mistake. It's our money. It's our home. Yeah. And that's part of what I, that's part of what I struggle with it, too, is that, you know, I'm of the firm belief that, you know, she, I don't get another vote because, like you said, the paycheck has my name on it. I want to take all the decisions together, which is what makes it hard for me to, you know, she makes her decisions. You know, we have one bank account, you know, one debit card, everything. And it just seems like it just can't, we can't get out. But if she's spending you all into oblivion, part of. loving her well and your family well is to say for a season, I'm going to keep our household

finances separate. And that might cause World War III in your home. Here's the thing, the war is upon you. It's just who wants to call it out and are we going to weather this thing together? Because what's the alternative, man? You're just going to keep resent, you're going to like the, you're tilling the soil of resentment. You're going to get more and more frustrated. you're going to become somebody you don't want to become. I've noticed that about myself too. Yeah. So the only thing we can do, we can't control anybody.

That's the hardest part of being married is we can only control ourselves. The question we have to ask ourselves is, can I become, will I continue to remain the best version of myself, regardless of the circumstances? So I'm always going to be a person looking out for the safety of my home. I'm always going to be the person who love and honors my wife. And sometimes love and honoring my wife is putting really hard stuff on the the table. And if she storms away or throws her attacks, I'm going to weather that storm. Because I, in this situation, it probably isn't about me. Thanks for a call, brother. Hang on the line here.

I'm going to send you all the Together app. It's not going to be a fix-all for y'all, but it will be a small thing y'all can each do every day. And the app continues to grow and grow and expand and what it's capable of doing. And it will walk you through. Now there's some learning modules in it that will teach you and her. I'm going to send her. I'm going to send her. I'm going to send her. it to both of you and y'all can use that together you can just say hey this guy on the radio gave this to me um i'd love us to try it out together no just give her one thing she can do every day and it will give you a thing you can do every day sometimes in your situation it's less the big talk it's i'm going to wake up every day and give her a cup of coffee i'm going to wake up every day

and leave her a note that just tells her how much i love her little things thanks for call it brother is a tough, tough situation. We come back, a woman asks how to help her husband understand prioritizing their marriage benefits the kids too. Be right back. All right, so it all started with cozy earth towels, these giant super absorbent, comfortable towels. And then I got a cozy earth comforter, and I got cozy earth blankets, and my house got more awesome. And then I got cozy earth socks, and my feet got awesome. And now, Cozy Earth is in every nook and cranny of my house.

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People on the Internet sometimes get super mad at me when I mess up. So I'm going to try to do this one, do this one good. So what's up? So my question for you today is, how can I help my husband understand that prioritying our marriage is beneficial for our children? All right. Tell me more. So we have two daughters. They're still little right now, so two and four.

And he's a great dad, very involved, very hands-on. And so he feels like he needs to pour all of his. time and effort into them, or else he's being a bad dad. Like, he's not showing up for them in every way. That also then leads to I'm put on the back burner, and our marriage is put on the back burner. And that's been leaving me with a little bit of resentment and just feeling kind of like the housemaid and the person that handles everything, and I'm not really in the unit. Yeah, a marriage is a secret world of two people and the kids don't go in that secret world.

Jobs don't go in that secret world. Exes don't go in that secret world, right? You get what I'm saying? Yeah. How has this conversation gone when you've talked to him? Not well. Tell me about it. He usually just kind of says like his job as a father is to take care of his kids.

and make sure there's a roof over their head and food on the table, which I agree, but also I want our girls to have a good example of what a healthy relationship is. Yes. Put it this way. That puts him too, that stresses him out too much. That adds too much to his plate to add that. You can't claim this alpha masculinity on one side and then say,

that's just too much on the other side. Right? You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. If you're going to be John Wick on one side, you've got to be John Wick on the other. If you want to say like, it's my job to take care of my daughters. You know what?

That's 100% right. And if you're a stay-at-home mom, it's my job to put a roof over this. You're right. It is. And I heard this from Dax once, and I just love it. Your daughters are going to marry him, some version. Yeah. And so the data is clear on this, but forget the data for a second. The greatest gift he can give those girls is to show them a man recklessly loving their mother, obsessively loving their mother.

Like we, like, not weird, but like, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like, if your four-year-old isn't going, ew, dad, or trying to always weasel in between y'all two because he's hugging you so much, then there's a problem. Yeah, that doesn't happen very often. So he's not on the phone, so can I ask you hard questions? Is that okay? And they're going to, I don't want, you can choose to hear them as accusations. They're not.

They are just open-handed, just being honest, okay? Yeah, let's go for it. Are you who you want to be in your marriage? I've been trying better. What does that mean? So I've been taking a little bit from your podcast. I started getting up in the morning and making him coffee. I pack his lunch for work.

I try to plan more dates for us to go out and do so that we have one-on-one time, which has been a struggle because he'll usually kind of turn it down or say, oh, we don't have, you know, I need to do these things instead of that. Okay. So I want to go a layer deeper, okay? Okay. I applaud you for that. Like opening your eyes and saying, I'm going to go first. Amazing.

That's awesome. And if behavior is a language, he's telling you, or actually he's using language as a language, right, saying I don't want to. Yeah. Deeper than that when I say, are you becoming the person, are you being, being the person you want to be. Do you feel good in your own skin? No. Tell me about that.

Do you find yourself angry a lot? Do you find, would you want to hang out with you? Is a harder, harsher way to ask that question? I would want to hang out with me when I'm not around him. Okay, tell me about that. I feel like I can be more myself when I'm around, like, my family and friends. I feel like I walk on like tiptoes around him sometimes

So what is it about him? I spent years walking on eggshells in my own house And some of those things Were because of the things some things my wife would say That was a truth to that But a lot of the time I walked on eggshells Because of stories I told myself That became my reality

Yeah I feel like sometimes if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, I guess I'm just always worried that he's going to leave. And I don't really know why. That's it. Where does that story come from? Has he told you, if you keep doing this, I'm going to leave? No.

He actually says the opposite. Like he's not going anywhere. But I don't feel like it's because of me. I feel like it's because of the kids. Is that a story you're telling yourself? That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Um, maybe. He's kind of, whenever I've asked him that, like, do you enjoy being around me? Like, am I a friend to you? He just says, well, I'm not going anywhere. We have kids. So. Yeah, that's a bad answer. If he was on phone, I would see. That's a terrible way to answer that question. And I don't know that if he meant it that way, but that's the way I took it was like, it's just because the kids.

we're here, we need to make it work kind of thing. So here, it happens by degrees, okay? And I'm going to paint a picture that may or may not be true, okay? But here's one version of how this story can play out. You all have this daughter. He's freaked out. He doesn't know anything about having daughters, but all he knows is that everybody says dads are useless and bums

and their daughters need their dads. And so he opens up his toolkit and he's got four tools in there. He's got a hammer, a saw, and a chisel, and a screwdriver. And he takes those four tools, and he does the best he can to build a world for that little girl. And he also gets in real time, you're not doing this right. I don't know how to do this. Why aren't you doing this? You never anymore.

Whatever. And slow, tiny little, tiny little things. he recognizes, oh, I can win a little bit more over here, or I'm in control of what happens next in this relationship. Or to put another way, I'm a big guy, and these are little bitty human beings. I can pick him up and move them. Yeah.

Right? And you see him loving well, just not you. Which makes your edges a little sharper, and your criticism a little deeper, and your questions, are you, am I even your friend? And he's like, I'm not going anywhere. Right? Yeah.

And you see how just by degrees suddenly that golf gets wider and wider and wider. And then you suddenly need him to do X, Y, or Z so that you can be the best version of yourself. And he's like, dude, I'm just going to stay away into this relationship because at least these two little girls like me. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? And so in a weird way, everybody's trying to do their best. And edges start getting sharper and sharper and sharper. And then you find yourselves in opposite oceans.

I call it the drift, but y'all just slowly over time. And the only way I've seen people be successful coming back is to literally swipe the deck and say, we've never been married with two little kids. I want you to be the person I can be the most to myself. I want my heart to go, ah, when you drive up, not, uh-oh. Yeah. And so we get to decide what our home feels like.

and you get to say the adjectives that describe you. I want to become the fun, dancing, laughing, singing, sexy, whatever words you want to use to describe yourself. I'm going to bring her back. And I want to see that guy who used to skip his final exams to come have coffee with me. I want that guy back. Yeah. You give what I'm saying?

Yeah. I guess I want you to do the work to find out how much of these stories are stories you begin telling yourself that have become reality over time or if you if you just started playing music when he walked in the door and greeted him at the door dancing and smiling like the old days and again you may not be a dancer or a smiler I'm just making stuff up but that he would shove you away and say gross get off me well now you got some real data to work with or would he laugh and go, what got into you? Right? And then you make a crash joke back, right? Like, it takes one person to change a relationship.

Okay. I can definitely do that. I've been trying to be more aware of the energy that I'm putting out. Yeah. So I definitely feel like I can put more effort in on that side. I've been trying to do like small little things to make his days easier. because I am more so like my love language is acts of service. Okay, and I think that's a challenge here.

What are his? Physical touch. Okay. Yeah. So what often happens is when we feel a gap in our relationship, we really start trying to love our partner well, but we do it in the ways that we like to be loved and it actually drives us further apart.

Mm-hmm. And so what does it look like when he walks in the door to say, I need a big hug. And when he starts to pull away, you say, I'm not done yet. Okay. Like, it goes back to the roadmap thing, but like, how can I love you today?

But I think, I think y'all are at the place where little tiny, little tiny adjustments and tweaks aren't what y'all need. You need to say, hey, the marriage we had doesn't exist anymore. We have two young girls. We're different people now.

Here's, and this is a scary. everything to say, here's what I want. I want our home to be filled with laughter and fun. Because right now I think he hears every question you ask as an accusation. Yeah. He definitely goes on defense more than I would, like, it's not even my intention to be accusatory. It's just questions. And then he kind of just kind of gets ready to, for an argument to happen when that's not even the case. It's just, And so instead of saying, hey, there's ways to ask those questions that put you at the center, which actually make them invitations instead of what can sound like an accusation. Here's an example.

Do you even like me anymore? Yeah. Versus the story I'm telling myself is I've gotten unlikable. Have you noticed that? I find myself sharp in criticizing and kind of lonely stuck in this house those two girls. Am I hard to be around sometimes?

You hear one of those is an accusation. I mean, one of those is an invitation and one of those sounds like, hey, you're not being my friend enough. Yeah, that's definitely the wording I use is, do you even like me? Yeah, which, which, what's he supposed to say to that?

No, you're not likable anymore. Yeah. Or he's going to go, I'm not going anywhere, relax. Which again, then you're hearing everything he says as, you know, you get them saying, you all just get in this dance. Yeah. Yeah. And so clearing the deck and saying, hey, I've made up some stories about myself, about us. I'm sure you have to.

I want us to get away for half a day. I've even gotten a babysitter for the two young kids. I want to, we get to decide what our marriage feels like moving forward. We have a brand new marriage with two little girls. We get to pick. And maybe neither of you all have even seen this new marriage in real life. Cool. We get to decide how this house feels.

Here's how I want it to feel. I want it to feel sexy. I want it to feel fun. I want it to feel laughter. I want you to be so happy you're home. And here's a path towards that. What do you want this house to feel like? Y'all just have to decide, hey, we want to build a new marriage.

And that marriage is a secret world. It's ours. It's our, like the two of us. We go in it. And there's nobody else's are in there. And we get to decide what's inside. But it takes two whole people shown up inside that secret world. Yeah.

For whatever it's worth, you're worth it. And for whatever, whatever it's worth, I've been exactly where you are except closer to the edge. My wife, too. There's a light at the end of the tunnel if both of you all could pull up a seat to the table and say, yeah, we can rebuild this thing, however we want. Cool. Hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with the Together app also. We'll send it out and ask your husband if he'll do it with you.

and use these words, I want to begin loving you super well. And so here we go. And this will give you a path to love me well. Cool. And I've set aside this time. I want us to go on a marriage retreat and just ask ourselves,

what do we want in our marriage? What do we want this thing to look like? Because we can decide it, whatever it looks like. It's a pretty amazing, empowering realization that y'all get to choose. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

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So Samantha from Wilmington, Delaware writes, she said this really isn't a question I would call in about, but more of a general question. Just pause real quick. Have you ever been to Delaware? Nope. I've never been either, but I feel like I want to go one day. You should do that. It sounds like it is lovely up there, but I... It seems like it would be beautiful.

And I don't know I have anything to base that on other than it's New England and New England's beautiful. Right. The only place I've been up in that area is New York. My wife and I for our 10th anniversary, went to Boston and Rhode Island and stuff, and it was... Oh, beautiful. Especially in the summer. I want to go to Maine very, very bad. Yeah, that's where we spent most of our time in Maine. Yeah, I've heard that's just amazing.

It was unbelievable. And the food was astonishing. It was just lobster everywhere. And I am good with that. Oh, my. It was unbelievable. Okay, so back to Delaware. So, Samantha and Delaware, she said,

I heard John define anxiety on an episode as, quote, bringing a worry about a potential future outcome into the present and trying to solve it for now. I get that, but what's the difference between that and just trying to be prepared? Yeah, that's a good question. So I would say the difference is a level of intentionality, meaning when you're anxious, it's your body trying to solve this future problem that in many ways you don't have any, A, you don't have any, any, you can't predict the future. You know if that's going to happen or not.

And B, you may not have anything you can do about it. Yet, I'm going to run around and try to solve this by dispelling energy, by yelling, by screaming, by getting solar panels on a 70-year note because the grid's going to go down, whatever your thing is, right? Digging a thing in the backyard to hide potatoes in, like, whatever. At your body saying, oh, you don't get what's, coming, I got to solve this right now. Planning into the future for, hey, college is going to be here, we need to start saving money, or I want to retire one day, or I want to pay off this debt, or,

hey, dad has Alzheimer's, we need to start planning for, like, we need to make some major changes or whatever. That's just being intentional. So the difference is when your body takes off on you and says, I'm going to solve this in the present right now. And I don't even know if that's real or not. That's the difference. And so the, you'll hear me say a lot, solve for peace. I don't know what's coming in my life, negative or positive, but I know things are coming. And so that's a big reason. I'm just, I'm not great with numbers. I'm not super quick with math, anything like that. But that's why it was a big deal for me and my wife, not owe anybody any money. Because if something happens, we'll have some margin to deal with it whenever that thing is. That's why I don't over flood my calendar,

because I don't know when you're going to call and say, hey, can we do this? And I'm like, yep, let's do it or whatever. And so those, I don't know, does that answer a question? Yeah, I think so. Well, and I think there's also a, there's a rumination element to it. That's what, when there's no solution and you don't have control over that outcome, you'll loop it and loop it and loop it and loop it. Just think of your body like making a missing an exit and it's just going in circles trying to find that exit to take to get to whatever whole foods, wherever you shop. And you're more of an Audi girl, but but like um.

Actually, yes. I wasn't a diss. I'm just saying like you're a conscious shopper. But there's no exit. You're never going to get off because there's no exit there. So stop driving, right? I don't know if that helps or not. I feel like I just made it worse.

Ask yourself. is what I'm worried about, what I'm planning for, actually true. And the second question is, can I do anything about it? Can any of us do anything about macroeconomic trends? Not really, but as for you and your house, y'all cannot owe anybody any money. If the grid goes down, I'm going to deal with that then because my stash of crypto and gold is not,

we're going to have bigger problems. So it's just asking ourselves, Can I control anything about what I'm worrying about? And if not, I'm going to set that nonsense down. Bye.