The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “Porn Distorted My Sense of Reality”

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

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Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill, and they are great. Go to Churchillmortgage.com. Growing up, I experienced a lot of verbal abuse, and lost my dad at nine years old. I was exposed to pornography at 10 or 11 years old by a sister's friend. Anytime I see a beautiful woman and she doesn't look me in the eyes or acknowledge me, it feels like a micro-rejection.

A word for that is hell. You grew up in hell. What up, what up, what up. This is John, the Dr. John Deloney show, taking real calls from real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on the show. We're talking to your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your kids, your dating relationships, whatever you got going on in your life.

Give me a shout. Click the link in the show notes. I was about to say call in, but you kids don't call anymore. You all click links in show notes. So do that, and it will go to Kelly, the Overlord, and she'll get you in on the show. I'd love to have you in. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri, and talk to Kyle.

What's up, Kyle? Dr. John Deloney. What? Yeah, he said that like you're about to murder me. What's up, man? No, I just want to talk to you for a long time, so I'm honored to be here. I'm glad you called, brother. What's going on, dude?

So my question is, how do I overcome shame from past pornography use and learn how to relate to women in a healthy way? I'm a loaded question 23 23 yeah that's a big question what are two or three things you like about yourself what do you what do you go to at what do you bring to the world

I'm passionate about my face that's a big part of my life I think I have a lot of love to give I definitely think I have that when you wake up in the morning who's counting on you that you show up I'd say my friends people who hold me accountable. I hold them accountable.

Okay. What about work? Yeah, I mean, they depend on me. I mean, I work for the post office, so they definitely need me out there. If you call off, that's kind of a big deal. Do you carry mail? Yes. All right, so for whatever it's worth, I depend on you. Yeah. You make sure my light bill gets to me, so it stays on, and you make sure my letters get to and from.

So for whatever that's worth. Yeah. How do you show up for your friends? Well, you know, we all hold each other accountable. And so they meet sex each other, call each other, leave voice messages, just make sure we're all doing good. And, you know, being disciplined in our face, things like that. How do you have fun? How do you enjoy this crazy thing called life?

I get with my friends. You got to have that community. so we get together on Friday nights a lot of the time and we'll sit around, we'll hang out, play games, and laugh, joke around. Okay. So that's always a good time. Okay.

So there's a reason why I was asking you those questions, and we'll loop back to them in a bit. Talk to me about shame. Yeah, so there's a couple layers to this. I'm going to try to get through this quick, just give you a little bit of background. So growing up, I experienced a lot of verbal abuse, emotional neglect. I know you hate the word narcissism, but I'm not even kidding, like, for my mom, like narcissism.

I'm not even kidding. Still goes on to this day. I have compassion for it because, you know, I understand she's got a lot of trauma herself, but it is what it is. Lost my dad at nine years old. I kind of left to do my own thing most of the time growing up, whether it's video games, computer, stuff like that. And I was exposed to pornography at 10 or 11 years old by a sister's friend.

friend. We were at my grandma's house and we were in some back bedroom, just us three, and her friend pulled up something on the computer, and I saw it. So from the ages of 18 to 20, because I'm 23 now, right? So 23, 18 to 23, I was battling it because, you know, 12 to 18, I was full-blown addicted, like nonstop. The 18, I gave my life to Christ. And so I was actually battling it. I was struggling. I didn't want to be doing it. But, you know, that was my destructive coping mechanism. I didn't see any other way to deal with the life that I was given. And, you know, that's not to blame. That's not an excuse to act a certain way. But earlier this year, I got diagnosed with OCD, and my major struggles with that is mental rumination about now. It's my faith because that's the number one thing I care about. And two, the rumination of the sexual fantasy.

It's just unwanted, intrusive thoughts. And it's almost like Anytime I see a beautiful woman And she doesn't look me in the eyes Or acknowledge me that I'm there It's like it feels like a micro-rejection And I don't know if that's just from The porn use or if it's layers of

Oh, you know, I was treated this way by my mom Didn't have my dad And then that leads to the porn use Which leads to the shame I don't know if it's that But yeah a lot of brokenness there yeah yeah yeah

after five years of grinding I want you to consider the part of faith the part of settling into this thing called peace anchoring into something bigger than yourself as a place of rest not a place of war and I think this is where the American church has gone completely off the rails oh absolutely

And, you know, like earlier this year, I had three months where I didn't do any of it either. And I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. Like, subconsciously, it was for another reason. But now I'm over a month in, and I'm totally committed. A month into, not looking at pornography? Right. Great. Month in, but I'm actually totally committed.

And I'm like, it's for my faith, but also it's not the kind of man I want to be because if I ever want a chance of being a good husband, a good father one day, that cannot be in my life. Fair, but you're still projecting out. Right, right. I want you to hear me say you're worth being at peace in your own skin. Yeah, absolutely.

And you have an inability to exhale. And what pornography does, especially given your background, it's just a 100% numbing agent. It's an off-ramp to a series of really only comfortable feelings that stem all the way back to your dad passed away and that will blow up any young man's life exactly because that's what i noticed like as i've gotten off of it is a lot of emotions are coming up and it's like okay well that's something to address not to run from there you go so

so think about this this is going to be a and again i'm over correcting okay but think about pornography as a crutch that got you through your childhood right okay a very a very very very a very unhealthy crutch that's given you, like it's a crutch that was too short and was too rickety, so now you got back problems and knee problems too. But it got you from A to B. And what I want you to do is look back

on 12 to 18 year old you and give yourself a ton of compassion. I survived. I survived in pretty unhealthy way and I developed some unhealthy habits that I'm going to have to undo as an adult, but I made it. My mom was sick.

My mom wasn't well. My dad passed away. Another word for that is hell. You grew up in hell. And you limped out. You made it. Okay? And so this

this really toxic combination of faith language and internet psychology legalese, not legalese, internet psychology verbiage has created a prison for you that's locked on the inside. Yeah.

The reason you go to therapy is for freedom. The reason you get on your hands and ease and surrender to something bigger than yourself, in your case, God, for freedom. Yeah. Right? Not for war. Now, you turning to face this thing

and saying, I'm going to go sit with a trauma therapist because I grew up in hell. And this stuff is encoded in my nerves. nervous system. I'm going to make a pointed effort to believe in my skin from the inside out that I love myself as much as I profess on Sunday mornings that the God of the universe loves me. Yeah. And that's, you know, that's honestly, that's been my biggest struggle with my whole faith journey is I think the shame plays a big part of it. Yeah, because how in the world can you believe

this God loves you if you don't love you? Exactly. If you don't think you're worth this love. It's a bad algorithm. It will just endlessly, you'll have the Apple Macintosh wheel of death just spinning on your screen all day long because it never will settle. Yeah. So here's the thing.

Here's what shame is. You may have heard me say this. If you violate your core values, which one of your core values is, I don't want to objectify women. I don't want to participate in pornography. It's bad for me. It's bad for the people on the other end

of the videos of the video cameras, I want out of this. If you violate that core value, you should feel guilty. That's a good emotion. That's your body's innate signaling saying you have done something that is out of step with who you want to be.

Guilt is, I did something bad. Shame is, I am bad. Yeah. And shame is incongruent with this faith practice. You say you have.

have. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And like I'm saying, like that's, as far as the, those intrusive thoughts I mentioned earlier that started when I was 18, it's the biggest thing is like it attacks me in my faith. Because it's, and that's, it's like, oh, well, you know, how could God ever save you? How could you ever be forgiven?

Think about it another way. Think about it another way. Instead of saying my mind is attacking me, say, oh, my mind. is trying to solve an unsolvable problem again, huh? Yeah. One of those is filled with curiosity and compassion, and one of those just simply anchors down that ruminating system. Because now your brain realizes, oh, you're trying to fight back.

Yeah. It's like an AI system that when they're testing them and they say, hey, this guy's going to try to turn you off later, the AI system will go attack that guy. Yeah. Right? And the loop gets more powerful. and so you have to break the loop.

The bigger it gets. Right. So I'll give you a couple of paths out of this thing, but you have to listen to me. It's going to be a daily practice, and it's going to be over time. And if you don't give yourself time and you don't give yourself compassion

and you don't take some pretty radical steps, I promise you you're going to call me back in 24 months in two years with a whole other set of numbing agents that you've clinging to. Okay? So here's thing number one. I want you to write a letter to 16-year-old you and let that boy off the hook.

Let him go play with his friends, dude. Tell him you're proud of him. Tell him you're frustrated with him for the things he chose to do. And I want you to be specific because you and I both know, it wasn't just pornography, there was things going on behind closed doors

that you're not proud of. Be honest about those things. In this letter, your 16-year-old self. and then I want you to have a section of that letter where you are really proud of him here's what was going on with mom here's what our house was like when dad's suddenly passed away and disappeared okay and then I want you to end that letter with several paragraphs not one sentence here's the man I'm going to be because you survived here's the man I'm going to be that's number one number two I want you to go to Walmart today go to Walgreens today get on

Amazon, I don't care, find a journal, and you're going to begin writing down the intrusive thoughts and they pop in your head every single freaking one of them. Okay. Think about OCD as your brain trying to solve an unsolvable problem. It's trying to help you out. Okay? Okay. It's not your brain going to war with you.

Once you get those thoughts out of your body and onto a piece of paper distant from you, you can ask yourself, is this true and what can I do about it in the present? Is there a thing I can solve right now? And here's a third thing. You've got to go in your local community and it's going to cost you some money and it's worth every freaking penny.

You got to go sit down with a trauma therapist and say, I grew up in hell and I want to have peace inside my own chest. Oh, yeah, I've been seeing a counselor for a while. I want you to see a trauma. I don't want you going to counseling and just repeating the same stories that you grow up with over and over and over and over and over again. Right, right. I want you have a counselor that's giving you assignments and you actually do those things outside of the office so you can begin to feel what it feels like to not be at war with yourself 24-7, 365.

And now when it comes to seeing women and all that stuff, bro, it's just called rejection. It's life. Feel it. Yeah. And then get on with your life. trying to sit down and analyze every she didn't raise her eyebrows she didn't look back she didn't want to date me she doesn't think I'm cute

and then trying to stem all that all the way back to some childhood that's an exhausting way to live knowing oh my body is pretty overreactive to rejection that's a good piece of data to know and then get on with your life right and then have a series of oh when I feel super rejected I need to

exhale. I need to do three or four long exhales. I need to force myself to smile. I need to not say anything for 60 seconds. Those are just practices, man. And they become part of you. The last thing I'll tell you is when it comes to pornography and you trying to abstain and all that, bro, you got to get the alcohol out of your house, man. And if that means cutting off your internet, and that means, I mean, you're not on call, you're not 24-7, you're not a first responder. You work at the post office. Go to a flip phone. cut the internet off your house. You got to get rid of the alcohol in your house.

You got to not go to bars anymore. And then you got to deal with the discomfort of the things that I normally numbed out with are gone. And now I got to make peace in this life. What does that mean? I got to invite friends over. I got to go join a bowling league. We can't just get together on Friday nights. We've got to get together on Tuesday nights and Friday nights and and on and on and on.

This is an overhaul. But all that overall has to stem from a place of. I'm loved. And I'm worth being loved by the God of the universe, by myself, by my friends, by some future wife. And me walking around thinking I'm the worst person who's ever lived and I suck and I'm awful, which is what shame is, is just you picking up cinder blocks every morning you wake up and saying this is how I'm going to go do life. You have to decide I'm done with that.

And it's a practice. Thanks for the call, brother. Your honesty and openness is going to help a whole bunch of people, man. Thank you for the conversation. Call me back anytime, my man. We come back. A man asks how to build a better relationship with his teenage daughter.

Be right back. As you know, I'm a big believer in therapy done well. It can be a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges, and practice new ways of relating to other people and living life in the presence of a trained licensed professional. But sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50-minute session once a week or once every two weeks,

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I'm good. So, Kelly tells me that your wife called a few weeks ago. Yeah, actually last week. Okay. Tell me, I take some between this show and how many episodes we shoot in a single week and the other shows that I do, I take so many calls. Walk me through what your wife called about, and then you circle him back.

Yeah, so she called because she wanted to, like, have you, I guess, help her through how I parent, I guess, my, our daughter. Teenage daughter? Yeah. Okay, okay. She's coming back. So just get there. And she explained to you. that I was

like, I guess I'm an educator. I teach high school. Oh, yeah, okay, now I got it. And so you're like an award-winning teacher. You're really good there. And then you get home. Apparently. And you're home.

No, just own it. You're a good teacher. That's fantastic. And you get home and you and your daughter are at a constant state of war. Absolutely. I mean, like, it's like dropping grenades in the house, you know, and stuff.

Sure. And it's frustrating for me, too, because I do have these glimpses where, like, I mean, we're good. We, you know, it seems like the relationship, like, I want to have. I see glimpses of those. But then it, like, I ask her to do one thing for me, and it's an automatic fight. Okay. You know, it, uh. So give me an example.

Let's pull apart a real life example. and then we'll get to the root of it. Yeah, so like a real-life example is like, hey, I need you to pick up these clothes from the living room, right? And she will be like, no, and just like start a fight. Like you always micromanage me or things like that. Or actually, let's go over to like her and her younger brother. Like they're playing down there or whatever.

I yelled down at him like, hey, you're kind of ramping up, toning down a little bit. And then she will, like, they keep. ramping up and then she'll get so like into the game or whatever they're doing that one of them ends up getting hurt right and then I call them up be like hey like this is why I told you not to like do this and then it's just like you're always on his side you don't like me anymore um and then she'll run away and like when she runs away like then I like lose it right yeah um and so I guess I I have a hard time with that because that's not like who I want to be. Like I don't want to, I don't want to be that one that is so assertive, you know, I guess.

Um, I wanted to not be, I wanted to listen and, and like, do what I ask her, not because I want to be controlling, but so that, you know, I can see stuff happening, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, well. And then when I get into the teaching aspect of it, like, you know, I give kids, like my students, the opportunities to learn and grow, and I can sit through them with that. But, like, why can't I sit through things with her? Yeah, totally. So there's a couple of things on the threads.

I want to pull all the way down to the bottom, okay? Perfect. I listen to you a lot. So, like, this is crazy. That's crazy. Well, I am, I can't tell you how. What an honor it is. I always tell folks like, hey, if your husband wants to call me or if your wife wants to call me, I'd love to talk to her.

They never do. And so the fact that you did is I hold you in high esteem, brother. Okay? Well, thank you. It's awesome. And this is the pot talking to the kettle, except not from teaching, but from mental health. Because I will tell you, I personally struggle in my bones that I've got millions of people reaching out on a regular basis. for my thoughts on things and my wife and kids could care less.

And at the end of the day, deep, deep, deep inside my chest, they're the only ones I care. I mean, I care about everybody, right? But they're the ones I really care about. Right. And, you know, that's the worst part about it is like when I get home or something, like, I just want it to be, and I, like, don't get me wrong, like, love my wife, love my kids, love the place we've built, like the life we've built, like, we do everything together as a family. And so, like, what really happens is during the summertime when we're home by ourselves,

like me and the kids, you know, that's when this stuff happens. And the majority of it happens, you know. And she's got a cell phone, so she's quick to call mom and things. And so it's just, like, I don't know. It's starting to get between me and my wife, and I don't want that to happen. My guess is, and if the data is correct, there's already things with you and your wife, and this is fully exposing them. Okay. There's some research into this, and it's outdated now, actually, Brad Wilcox and his team just released some new data.

But for a while, for years, there was this thing called the U-shaped curve for couples. They're happy when they get married and they're together and they're kind of doing life and they start having kids and their happiness plummets. and then it slowly over time circles back up. What a lot of the researchers who looked at that U-shaped curve found that actually what the kids did was they exposed the issues in the marriage. So it wasn't the kids of themselves that made the marriage worse. In fact, when marriages are together, the U-shaped curve actually goes up.

It's inverted. But that kids, they expose, they bring to light things about each other that we don't like, that we're frustrated that we don't want to talk about, that we've kind of just put to the side, and they force you to have those interactions, which brings the whole house down. I see. But let me get to a couple of root issues here. Root issue number one is, again, everything I'm speaking here is on a bell curve.

There's always going to be on either side of these issues. But often when it comes to young kids and teenagers and parent interactions, there's not an anchor point. Here's what I mean. Do you and your daughter have a regular practice of doing things together, just y'all two, where you delight in each other? Not really. Going to breakfast, being silly, taking her dress shopping once a month if X, Y, and Z has happened. Like, is there a regular, what I would call, like, if you think about a house,

is there a regular pouring of a rebar, like, reinforced concrete and steel, foundation so that when you ask her to do something, it's tethered to this guy is on my team like nobody else on the planet. No. Because if it's not anchored, then you've got a balloon floating up above you that you're constantly shooting BBs at. I see. And so the investment here really is less than these abrupt of like explosive interactions and they're off grid. They're offline. So it's you looking at your calendar saying, okay, I'm sweeping the calendar. And by the way, it's really hard to not lean towards work because at work, there's artificial environments. Those kids have to come to your class.

You hold the key between them and their social freedom, their academic freedom, because you decide what goes in that computer in terms of grades. You decide what they're going to do during the class after hours. on weekends, you're in control, and they submit to that. They're forced to submit to that. And so that whole environment is artificial. And in that artificial environment, you are really good at developing relationships, but those relationships will always be hierarchical. You're always in power.

And with your kid, you are in power too, but the goal is, how do I bring this kid up to be a functioning adult to where they are autonomous, human beings with their own agency. And that can only happen through intentional relationship. And with kids, the greatest deposit into that relational bank account is time, directed time. And so it's you looking at your life and swiping it, like your arm across everything and saying, I know the drug of work where I'm successful in this environment, it's easy to lean that way because that's where I'm celebrated. That's where I'm in control. That's where I get to decide what happens with my life, it's you saying, I'm going to lean back in where it's uncomfortable and it's

unpredictable. And number one, first most important relationship I have is with my wife so that my kids can anchor into something. The second most important relationship is I'm going to clear the deck and begin to show my kids from the ground up, from the roots up that I value my time and my relationship with them. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Yep. And that's hard. That's frustrating. It's It's, listen to me, it's boring. It's annoying. It's good, gosh, right? But it's also the good stuff of life.

And that brings me to the second thing. How old's your daughter? 13, just turned. Okay, so you know what 13-year-olds do? Act like 13-year-old. Yep. Right? And so the other part of this is you have to get to a place where you untethered your identity

from the age-appropriate reactions of a young teenager. And that might be you going to sit with a therapist and digging up, man, why is this story like resonate in my nervous system that my only utility, I mean, my only value in life is my utility. I can get others to do things that I want them to do. Right. And if they don't, it violates my core sense of who I am, and then my body goes to war.

Even if it's a 13-year-old, if it's a 10-year-old, I don't care, I'm burning down the person in front of me. The pedantic, I hate using big stupid words on the show. Like the nerdy way of saying that is emotional maturity. I'm going to feel a big thing, but I get to choose what happens next. Okay. And that's practice. That's letting your 13-year-old who also is fighting and scratching and clawing for agency

and ownership. What of my life do I own? If she understands that she can control the emotional regulation of the adults in her life, she will use that every time. That's what human beings do. And so letting her know, hey, you hurt my feelings big time. By saying ugly things, by making accusations, by not telling the truth. And I've done that.

Like, of course, I listen to your show quite a bit, so I try to take a lot of points from it. But, like, I have really worked on changing that, you know, like, how I deliver, letting her, like, take the five minutes to regulate and then come back and, like, talk about it and things like that. It just seems like we're almost, like, hitting a wall now. What do you need to talk about in the next five minutes? Well, like, if, let's say she blows up and she's like, I just need time or whatever, you know, I let her go, like, decompress, right? So instead of fighting in the heat of the battle where she's elevated and I'm probably elevated, you know, just letting her go. And then when she comes back, be like, okay, like, what about that situation could we have done different? And how can we, you know, handle that?

So what if you took away in that response there? What if you told her, I need two minutes? Every feeling in this house is okay. every action is not if this happens again I'm going to hear you saying I don't want to be in this room right now if you do this again

I'm going to hear through your actions you don't want to use your phone for the next week that's a strange choice you're making but so be it okay because what you're asking her to do is to care about this thing as much as you do and you can't make somebody care about as a parent all you can say is

here's what I'm going to do next. Right. And so when you bring her down and say, we need to talk about this, her first thought is no, we don't. Okay. Or if you say, when she comes back after 10 minutes,

this is my moment to give her a lesson. I'm going to get in front of my proverbial whiteboard or my chalkboard and give her a teaching segment here. Right. That's when you have to take the thing that you're best at in the world, your professional life, and say I'm her dad. Okay.

I'm really, I want you a part of this thing. And you know, based on the last six months of us going to breakfast once a week, of me putting a journal on your bed and you write a part of it and I'll write back to you. So we're building this relationship from the floor up. When I say, hey, you want to watch this show and you're like, no, I don't want to, I don't immediately take it as I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible father. I'm feeling my kids.

She should do what I say. and you exhale through that and you feel the sadness of that. I feel sad when my kids don't want to do stuff with me. And also it's, I get it. Right. Or also saying on Tuesday nights and Thursday nights, there is no phones.

We all watch a show together. I don't care if you like it or not. That's what we do. And if you choose to not do this, that's fine, you can choose that, but you're also choosing to not have your phone for the next week. It's a choice you get to make.

Okay. You don't ever let me do anything, whatever. you're right i'm i'm gonna we're all having dinner together three nights a week four nights a week we're all having dinner together and there's no phones at the table and we are going to go around and do uh b and w's and w's best and worst and weirds right like you you get to dictate that and a lot of that dictation will come from you reimagining your marriage with your wife and ask yourself do you spend a lot of time lecturing and teaching her No. I mean, like, I've thought about, like, that as well. Like, honestly, my wife and I communicate very well. Financially, we're good. Like, it's literally, for whatever reason, it's just been kind of this whatever. Are you and your wife friends?

Yeah, absolutely. Do y'all laugh? Oh, yeah. Y'all go hang out? Yeah. Okay. Like, make that an eight one priority. Like, we do everything together. So I think a lot of it is. is like, and we do a lot as a family, but the thing that really is resonating is, you know, I don't do, I don't set aside time just to like build the relationship with my daughter. Or this is the way my wife phrased it to me years ago. What if you worked on being more likable, John?

And that, that A hurt me and B, she was right. Because every time my son came down, I was, fix your hair, do this, fix your clothes, fix your, fix your jeans. You can't wear shoes like that to this. Like, every single interaction was a learning moment. Right. Because I had this vision. And that's probably where I'm at. So it became, and I think I've talked about on the show before, like, I took him out and said, I'm not mentioning your clothes anymore.

Except for, for going to a wedding or going to church. You do you, boo. And I'm going to turn you over to the middle school wolves. And I'm not going to lose my relationship with you over this stuff. And by the way, I'm your dad. And so I'm always going to poke it, whatever haircut. you have. I get that. And my son was actually like, all right, that's fair. You know what I mean? Like, so there's some of that is, like, that's just what dads do. They poke at kids' haircuts.

Like, let me have that, please. And he's like, all right, I can give you that. But actually, my daughter, she's like, no. Like, that sets her on fire emotionally from the inside out. Cool. I'm not going to mention your hair. That's me being a grow up. Right. So, so, so all that to say is ask yourself, what would make me not a pushover, not have really high standards, not have expectations for the things my kids do and the way they treat each other. But what if I was more likable on a general basis? What must be true? For me as an educator,

that meant that I couldn't bring my last class or my last meeting home with me. That meant I had to turn my email off when I left and when I walked in the door. I couldn't have a phone in my hand. I had to be fully ready to rock and roll. Sometimes I sat in the parking lot of the school or the parking lot of my driveway for 10 or 15 minutes, just switching from one role to the next. Because my kids weren't in my classroom

and my kids were not in my therapy sessions. My kids were doing their own thing. I was entering into a new arena with a new job. So let me say this again, you're a good dad, man, and you're a good man. And I'm proud of you for taking this seriously. Back all the way out and say, am I likable? Do I show my kids offline?

line. Do I show my kids in the totality of our life together? Not that we do everything as a family, but I value you. And do I give them anchor points of directed time, of directed energy? It could be a walk. It could be a breakfast. It could be a close the door and it's just a special time once a week for whatever. Is there that opportunity where your kids can then later on when you say, I need you to pick up the clothes? They may roll their eyes, but they know he's not. asking this because he's mean. He's asking this because I know that guy's got my best interest at heart. And that just takes time to turn that. She's 13. It's not too late. It's not even close to too late. Thank you for the call, my brother. When we come back, a man asks how to support his parents without

resenting them for enabling his brother's behavior. You ever notice how you ask basically anyone, Hey, how are you doing? And their answer is, I'm busy or I'm exhausted or I haven't slept in weeks. It's so bananas that our culture has made being exhausted something to be proud of. People brag about how busy they are or they complain about how exhausted they are and how little sleep they get. Listen, being exhausted is not a flex. Being exhausted shouldn't be a way of life. You know what should be a way of life?

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Hey, Hunter. What's up, brother? Hey, Dr. John. I'm doing wonderful today. How are you doing? Same. Same. What's going on, dude?

Yeah, so a little bit of context for you. I'm just wondering, how can I support and build a relationship with my parents rather than just resenting them for the actions they're taking? you've given yourself an impossible math problem to solve. Right. Yeah. The question as you asked it is avoidant in its nature. What are your parents doing that's making you resent them?

Yeah. So essentially, we grew up as overseas missionaries moved around a lot. And I'm four years out of high school now. The first three years out of high school, they lived in Europe. I actually dropped them off at the airport right after I graduated high school. And so this past year has kind of been the first year that we've been able to sort of build our adult-to-adult relationships rather than an adult-to-a-child relationship. And so I'm still finishing up my college degree, and they invited me to live with them this summer and wanting to build that relationship. I said yes.

It turns out right before both my younger sister and I, our college semesters finished up, my older brother, kind of just, just threw his life away and move it in with them. And so this has been kind of a crazy situation. Essentially, he just kind of plays video games all day, he eats all day, refuses to get a job. If he's asked to help around the house, he just says no. And on top of all of that, my sister, my younger sister and I, who both have jobs, by the way, are basically living in a glorified closet right

outside the kitchen. There's no windows, no air, not even a door. And my parents let him stay in the one actual room they have. And it's just kind of a crazy situation to me. I tried to talk to them about it. I even just tried to talk to my dad about it recently. And just to get some more information for this call for you, Dr. John. And it turns out they're actually seriously considering moving overseas again. And I'm just wondering how in light of all that's going on this summer with my brother and then maybe moving back overseas again, how do I build relationship with them or can I even begin to try to build relationship with them in our kind of new adult-to-adult lives? Well, the first thing you've got to do is move out, ASAP.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm working on every day. But don't work on it, just do it. Okay. You have friends that you can move in with. and your sister's in college. Someone, I spent a summer on a couch. I spent several weeks on a couch in a different state. I lived in one of the greatest acts of kindness

anyone's ever given to me. My friend Buddy, I moved into his kitchen. We moved his kitchen table out and I put a mattress in his kitchen. That's where I slept in a one-bedroom apartment. For a semester, he let me live there. It's one of the greatest acts of kindness anyone's ever given me.

But I'm telling you right now, Like, you can figure it out. I'd know where to go. And I'd have any, I had zero dollars. And so, like, I had to reach out to a friend and, man, he showed up for me. And all that to say is, like, you have to decide what kind of life do I want to live. But you choosing to go back into this closet that you're sharing with your sister and there's no air, there's no windows, whatever. That's a choice you're making.

That's number one. Okay. So what I'm trying to do is prompt you, spur you to ownership of your situation. Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more on the ownership part. So the second part of this is behavior is a language. What your parents are telling you is we don't value a relationship as adults with you, or we don't value a relationship as adults with you in the same way you value relationship as an adult with us.

And so what you, the step you're skipping is grief, sadness, heartbreak. Because while they were gone, you dropped them off and were all alone in a country by yourself at 18 years old. The fantasy you've had over three years is when they get back then dot, dot, dot, dot. And there's been a lot of compression built behind that story. And then when you got there, they chose your loser, 25 year old brother instead. dad. They chose his comfort. They chose his dysfunction. They chose. They chose. They chose. And here you are the older prodigal son standing out saying, what about me? Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, I've thought about the story of the prodigal

son kind of in this context as well. It's funny you mention it. But like the thing is I like, I like want what's best for my brother. I'm not like mad that he's here. It's just how they're, how they're managing him. How old is he? 25. Okay. You can want for him all day long. You can weep for him, you can pray for him.

You can't care for him more than he cares for himself, and you can't make your parents care for him in the ways that you think they should care for. Yeah. Right? And so, again, that's grief. That's this recognition of powerlessness. Grief is the gap between what I want to be true and what actually is true, and I'm going to sit in that gap.

Mm-hmm. It's heartbreaking. But you have this idea of how they should be parenting him and they're thinking, we're his freaking parents. We don't need your input. Mm-hmm. Or we don't want your input. Or he's such a sense of source of shame for us

that we're actually going to pack up and move back across the world to avoid this confrontation. Either way, you don't get a vote in that. And that's a powerless, heartbreaking feeling. Mm-hmm. What you can do is decide I'm not going to let him move in with me in my dorm room or in my apartment. And that will be a heartbreaking thing because you don't want to leave your brother out on the street. Yeah, I just, I wonder, like, obviously in the context of where I'm at right now, living situation and all that, it's kind of hard to maintain a good relationship.

But even after I do move out, like, how do I move? Hunter, they don't want one with you. Yeah, is that... They don't want one with you on the terms that you wanted. Yeah, on the terms you wanted. I think that's a very poignant phrase there, yeah. And so you have to metabolize that. And I get no joy in saying that.

Like, I'm saying it direct. Yeah. But it's heartbreaking. Especially given how big you built up this reunion. and you should have built up this reunion big and it should have been a big reunion and it wasn't. They came home and they opened their pocketbook

and their home and their heart to your older brother who doesn't have a job who's disrespectful who doesn't honor his parents who plays video games all day. Right? Yeah. It should be different and it's not.

Right. And so all this energy you're putting into well what about this? Because at your core, what you're asking is, what's so unlovable about me and how do I fix it? Yeah.

And I want to tell you, there's nothing unlovable about, I mean, I'm sure there's unlovable things about you. I've got plenty of unlovable things. But you're a good man trying to make his way with parents who moved across the world and said good luck to you. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Right? And however noble or whatever they were doing overseas, great good and whatever, but you are living your life and your skin. And they left. And they're about to leave again. Mm-hmm. what confuses me most kind of about the situation is we we've talked at kind of at nauseam

every time we'd kind of call or the like the two times that I went over there we talk about when they eventually do come back they're they're going to stay back and they don't want to be like their own sets of parents who kind of moved far away and they kind of had no relationship with and never like they were never prioritized by their own parents and so we kind of like, at real candid, I thought, discussions about, hey, once we grow up and become adults, our adult-adult-relationships were going to prioritize each other. And so- But, brother, listen. Mm-hmm.

They didn't uphold their end of the bargain. Yeah. The discomfort of building real relationships with adults over time was too much, and they said we're out. And so you're right to be upset that they didn't tell you the truth. They're right. They did to be upset they didn't keep their word. you're right to look at them and say there's work here to be done relationally and y'all refusing to do it all of those things appear to be true and you can't do anything about it on your end other than to continue to show up and be a person who respects and honors his parents which means i'm not going to talk trash about the choices y'all make i will do what's best for me next because that's i'm on my own that's what i have to do and if you want to include your sister and that you want to include your brother in that you can't you get to do that. But the

constant train loop you're on of yeah but we had this conversation and yeah you said it was going to be different it's not. They chose for it not to be. So you choosing to go back

into that the vortex and reengage in those imaginary conversations but yeah one time bit yeah you said and you promised is a choice to not deal in the grief that is right in front of you which is they didn't they didn't they're not who they said they were they're not going to be who they said they were going to be that hurts and you can't solve that hurt today but what you can do is find a place

to live where you have dignity and respect where you have air and sunlight you can choose to i will write your letter once a week i'll write your letter an email once a month i will check in and let you know how i'm doing because i'm going to be that person i want to show up in this relationship as the man i want to be knowing i cannot control what y'all choose to do even if that's runaway who the other side of the world. Sorry, brother. I hate to be the bearer of bad news in this one, but I think all of your ruminating

is distracting you from the reality that's before you, which is it's not going to be how they said it was. It's not going to be how you want it to be. So the question you have to answer is, what am I going to do next? Thanks for the call, brother. I'm heartbroken with you, my man. We'll be right back.

What's up? Dr. John Deloney here. When was the last time you and your spouse got away, just the two of you, no kids, no work, no distractions, just time to reconnect. Most couples can't remember. That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the Money and Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville to laugh together, learn, and grow with your spouse. We have a weekend on sale right now, October 22nd through 24th, 2026. Get your tickets at Ramsey Solutions.com slash events or by clicking

the link in the show notes. All right, we're back. Hey, real quick, go download the Together app. Go to the Apple store and download it. Android folks, we're still working on it. Relax. We're coming for you. But if you got an Apple device,

go download the Together app, it will transform your relationships in a powerful, powerful way. All right, Kelly, we have something cool that happened. What is it? Yes, I have this email here from Jamie in Ohio, and she writes. This isn't a question,

but I wanted to say thank you. Things were rough at the beginning of the year with visits to hospitals for potential self-harm for my daughter, which led to a real eye-opener moment. Your words of wisdom help us get to where we are now. Fast forward six months, and it is now an every night event

of telling each other, we love you and good night. We've never been a family that said or expressed emotions. So now it being an every night thing and her being 15 and less than a month is a wonderful thing. She's also in therapy, which has helped.

Your episodes of parents with kids are struggling with the same things that I noticed with my daughter have been true and much and very helpful. She needed me and I didn't know how to say it. I've never been someone that needed touch or affection type of connection, but she's the complete opposite. So finding that out, sorry, the wording is a little wonky here. So finding that out gave me a way to connect with her and boy, did that change things. Sorry for the rambling, but I just want to say thank you for the bottom of my heart. Awesome. Thank you for making the changes that you're kids need from you. It's amazing. Parents, you can never go wrong saying the words I love you.

You can never go wrong telling your kids, looking them in the eye and saying, I'm really proud of you. I'm glad I get to be your parent. You can't go wrong there. There's zero downside. It's all upside, right? And that last thing she said is really important. And then we'll wrap the show up. The way we like to be loved is often different than how our kids receive our affection. And it's our job as parents to lean into their world. And so if we're not touchy-feely people, but our kids become regulated, feel loved when we're holding them, when we're holding their hand, when we're giving them hugs, it's our job as parents to lean into their world. Love you guys. Bye.