The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “What Does a Healthy Sex Life Look Like?”

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

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I'm calling you off something. So you said that if you think trading orgasms with your spouse is a good sex life, then you're wrong. And that might have struck a chord with me. So in your opinion, what does a good sex life look like? I'm more interested in where that struck a chord with you. What's going on? What's going on? This is John, I'm the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Thank you for joining us. Real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on this show. You want to talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, your sex and intimacy life, your money, whatever you got going on in your life. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Been sitting with hurting people for more than two and a half decades now. Man, I'm getting old. But I would love to join you and figuring out what's the next right move.

Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on the show. Let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Anne. Hey, Ann, what's up? So I had a question based on maybe a month or so ago. You mentioned in a podcast. Uh-oh, is this bad? Oh, yeah. I'm calling you on something.

Okay, good, good. Okay. So you said that if you think trading orgasms with your spouse is a good sex life, then you're wrong. And that might have struck a chord with me. So in your opinion, what does a good sex life look like? Oh, great question. I'll answer that.

I'm more interested in where that struck a chord with you. Yeah, I think I was kind of surprised that it did. I've been married and with my husband for almost 20 years. We have sex. We enjoy it. We're happy about like the frequency and things like that. Our kids are not little anymore. They're not hitting the hormones yet.

So we're in a sweet spot, I think. but yeah I think it just kind of hit like a you know are we doing something wrong is there more to what we should be doing you know what I mean is there something that we could experience together moving forward that I just don't know how to tap into um so yeah a lot of questions kind of came about when you said that yeah so I just I need to applaud you great great question and great like hey that struck a question and I don't even know why and then digging into it. And then maybe you get, it strikes a chord and you realize, I think he's wrong.

Or I don't, I think, like in your case, I think our sex life is exactly what we both want it to be. And that's fantastic. Is that mean it something's bad. Okay. So my, like, without a doubt, foundational answer is no. Nothing is wrong with you and your husband. If y'all are being intentional and if y'all have created. co-created this thing together, whatever it is that you want.

That's what it is. And I don't remember the call where I said that, but it's a, it's something that, that the conversations especially when, when folks come visit me at my house or I'm sitting with folks in their, in their own homes, it comes up over and over, which is sex becomes a thing that you do for me and I do for you, it becomes a very, a very mechanical transaction. Yeah. And the whole goal of sex becomes, I've got to get off. And it's your job to do that for me. And then give me a chore list and I'll get you off and then we'll go about our lives. And so what happens in that moment, I mean, when a sex life becomes distilled down to I get off, you get off. And then we part ways. Then, man, it's just, it's such fertile ground for somebody at the office to think you're a little bit funnier than normal. And and you get a way deeper emotional, intimate connection that way. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying for sure. So I'm trying to think of the next right question for you. And again, Ghaly, you've done a great job kind of calling me out. I hate to go fishing for things that in a pond with no fish, right? It's not a good use of anybody's time. But do you have ideas in your head or thoughts? or when it struck a core, did you think, huh, it could be dot, dot, dot, or we're missing fun or, like, tell me what you're thinking.

I guess, I guess I am more like, you know, what are we missing out on maybe? I think, you know, when you said sort of like, oh, kind of not transactional, because that sounds really awful because we do have fun. So I think it's more, I feel like we've kind of, maybe the peasant. pattern that we've established over by habit, by whatever it is. And we, you know, years ago, like pre-kids, we had some infertility struggles. And so there was a script there. And then we kind of, you know, survived the young kids era. And I think it just kind of, it, it, by habit, maybe not intentionally, like we didn't have intentionality, I guess, into what we wanted our sex life to be.

And here it is. And maybe we're kind of coming up for air the first, you know, for the first time in a while. and we're kind of thinking like maybe and I think what that cord might have been and this is my theory is just maybe that's struck though like oh there could be more than what we've you know kind of got to by habit yes a one million percent and by the way you are speaking for millions of of married people right now so thank you for having the courage to do that um this is a an incredible moment for you all because things are good and there's no

like it doesn't sound like there's any nobody's perfect we know that right where each other rider dies like for sure there you go that's awesome yeah but even when you're right or dying sometimes somebody like cut you off right but but like

this is a perfect moment to take some time to say hey we get to build this new version of our marriage. And my hope is, is that for couples that sex becomes a continuation of an extraordinary friendship, but it becomes a, the words I use to describe what intimacy is, it's a secret world.

This is just ours where we can go to the party and nobody in that party knows what we just did before we got to this party. And you can just look each other across the room and you just see that each other's eye and you're like, yeah, I know. And you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. And it's that level of intentionality of what could this be. And if this is what this is and we both love it, then it's awesome.

But it's just being that word that I keep coming back to is intentionality. Here's what would be a fun thing for you all to do. Clear the deck. Go out and you hear me say it's a billion times. Go to breakfast, go to lunch sometime and spend some intentional time. You or your spouse get a babysitter or whatever and go. and while things are good, say, hey, give me four things that we used to do in the bedroom that we don't do anymore that you kind of miss. What are three or four things that you used to love and now you're not really into it anymore, but you're just kind of like playing along because it just is.

Give me two or three crazy fantasies and commit to whenever he says, whatever he says and whatever you say, commit on the front end, curiosity over judgment. not, oh my gosh, it's sick, you're crazy. But, but wow, tell me what is it about that? Right? Because usually underneath those things, there's a, there's a sentiment there. And so those, those conversations I've found with couples become almost, if not more intimate and connecting and secret world building than actually doing whatever the things you'll talk to about, whatever positions or, you know, whatever, dressing up weird, like, whatever the things are. the fact that yeah this is our little world nobody comes in here this is rad that becomes a fun thing and setting it up for once a month once every three months once every six months how are we doing

anything you want to try um here's a and you may have heard me talk about this on the show this was a joke from five or six years ago in the middle of uh it was during COVID so it was like a virtual marriage retreat that me and my friend Rachel did and I see suggested coming up with the John Deloney erotic envelope system, which was a, it's a 99 cent. People started writing in like, where do I buy it? And I was like, dude, it's not a thing. But now we actually made nice ones and we give them away the money at marriage retreat. But you get some note cards and an envelope. You write 10 things. He writes 10 things. You'll put it in the envelope and commit to once a month, once a week, once a day. I don't care.

We're going to pull one of these things out and we're going to give it the old college try. right absent like obviously absent something degrading something like the violators or pain or whatever like I'm going to give us to try and I don't even how it's a work but we're going to figure this out and the the joke is but it's not a joke the first time I made this for me and my wife the first thing I ever pulled out ever I pulled a card out and it was it was like a French kiss only for 30 minutes or something like that and I was like are you kidding I was so defle that I was like, what? And, but here's the thing, instead of, and my impulse was to be like, are you kidding me? But I remembered my own teaching and it was like, dude, be curious. And so I said, okay, what is it about this?

My wife explained what it was like when we were freshmen, when I was a sophomore, and she was a freshman college, and we met each other. And we would just steal away and kiss and then sprint off to class. Right. and how she could tell that how much I like was super into her. And but it was this whole other context. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

And so that conversation was so rad. And it planted seeds for me like how do I recreate that sense of desire she felt from me back when we were like 18 and 19, right? And so it just, it res sparked our house. So that's where that something so silly and simple and basically free can be a fun thing that helps with intentionality. Awesome. Okay. Yeah, we'll have to give it a try. We'll give the 99 cent envelope. And I'll send you guys the Questions for Humans Intimacy deck and the couples decks.

Just the conversations themselves tend to open things, open up new possibilities and new worlds and whatnot. But I do love, I love that you ask this question. It's awesome. It's awesome. Thank you. I appreciate the help. You got it. Hey, well, thanks for calling in. I'm really grateful for you.

And stay out of trouble, okay? When we come back, a man asks what he should do if his child's teacher was investigated for sexual harassment and is still teaching. Great question. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the time. the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at

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H-E-L-P.com slash deloni. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Milwaukee, Wisconsin and talk to Anthony. Hey, Anthony, what's up? Not a whole lot. How about yourself? Doing all right, brother. Just plugging along, man.

School started and summer's wrapping up, and we are in the middle of it now, man. No kidding. Summer flies right by. So, so far, we'll just stick with the facts. school year, 25 and 26, a teacher at the school was investigated for allegations of sexual abuse or harassment. That particular teacher happens to be the teacher of my child going into that school this

year for 26, 27. A police investigation was done following the allegations. He was placed on leave from the school, was found not guilty, or I. I guess I'm not sure if that's the proper terms that I should be using, but nothing following the investigation called for any consequences, if you will. We've heard a ton of stories from the rumor mill, as you'll have with any story in today's world. Some stories we trust and find value, and some we don't.

Either way, we wanted our child placed in a new classroom. The new principal this year, honestly, I'm not, coincidentally, this year there is a new principal as well. That principal sent us to the superintendent. He refused to move our child and refuse to give reason as to why. And so we met in person with the principal. We thought that would probably be a better way for us to get a feel on the situation. for the character of the new principal meeting in person is always better. That went well.

We felt significant and more comfortable with that. And in addition, with reaching out to some of their parents that were also having concerns, ultimately we made the choice to continue sending this child to the school. We're just not sure if we made the right choice. We're hoping that we did. We plan on just having conversations with our child about what's safe and what's not safe, with behaviors and touch and all of that stuff. You know, we don't have any facts to make any drastic measures,

so we were kind of put between a rock and a hard place. We're just seeking your advice. Man, I'm going to double and triple applaud you, man. You're a good dad. and your child is lucky to have you and your spouse on their team. It's awesome. Like what you just described to me, you've done all the right things. So I've been, you probably know this.

I was in educational context for more than two decades, right? And I was, a lot of the years I was there was a part of these type of investigations. And mine usually started with the student side. and sometimes I was involved in the administrative, like the actual employee side, and sometimes I had to hand off what I knew to the other investigators. You are right that there are different evidentiary standards. So in a court of law, right, it's innocent until proven guilty. And so, but in a educational context, they're different.

And so it's more likely than not, right? And so your concern brings up several global issues for me that are just tough. And we're just in a new world. And here's issue number one. We don't trust anybody at all for anything ever anymore. As a culture as individuals, right? We all used to believe that at the end of the day, our doctor was trying to help us be healthy. Nobody believes that anymore.

You know what I mean? like because there's been so much there's been actual misconduct that's made been made public like gross disgusting like world shaping um misconduct there's also like doctors are people and they make mistakes and that stuff now in social media can just get blown up and now who knows we don't trust that right and that's that's new for all of us we all thought that the government was like we knew the government was crooked and you know but But we all kind of thought the government was out there working out for the people. Nobody believes that anymore at all.

Right. Same with church. Same with education. We thought all of our teachers were on our team. Now, and here's the thing, I work with a ton of, and I'm friends with a lot of physicians. I trust my kids' lives to them. I trust them. And I've had some seeds of doubt planted.

Right? And so I do my homework too and yada, yada, yada. Same with education. So that's number one. And so that idea that we don't know who to trust and it all feels, ugh, and this is my kid, and I'll go to the ends of earth from my kid, I want you to know you're not crazy. That's our cultural zeitgeist right now. Trust no one, all right?

The second part of this is in the current litigious world that we live in, this is this is totally my opinion. I can be way wrong, okay. for a school district to take the risk to put a teacher back in the classroom is a truly like if this teacher was to be found guilty of doing this again then the school would be on the hook liable like would be liable to such a degree that it would be maddening right so for them to take the quote unquote risk of putting this teacher back in would be really significant and so if you've met with the principal and you feel good about it and you've asked the hard questions and your principal is obviously not allowed to talk about HR issues which is frustrating and they're not allowed to give details which is frustrating because there's a child involved also that made allegations or whatever and here's the third part and this is the most disconcerting okay um i was a part of a lot of these conversations with students of all ages with um

administrators with faculty, with staff. And there were times that the thing that was that somebody was accused of just flat out didn't happen. Or it was misinterpreted. Or it was a knuckleheaded 22-year-old teacher trying their best to be supportive. And this other student had tons of social media and got a TikTok that said, the five ways you know you're being groomed. And suddenly this this well-meaning young and inexperienced, but this well-meaning teacher suddenly has their entire career put on the block, right? And so there is, that happens with some regularity. My rule of thumb was always, I'm going to believe the kid,

unless I'm a part of an executive conversation, right? Then I've got to look at just the facts. But I'm going to believe the kid, and then I'm going to hand it to the people that are supposed to make the decision. Right. And gathering facts. I always want a child to know you got at least one adult in your life on your team. And by the way, there's also parents who just flot out throw grenades, right?

And I've had to go to professors. I've had to go to teachers and say, hey, I know you are trying to be extra accessible and you gave all your students your cell number. Terrible idea. Yes. Right? Because one of those kids is going to text you at 1130. And if you text a child back at 1130, a student back even at 1130 at 1130 at night,

you're off to the race. That's it. That's it. you are now, you put yourself in such a ridiculously vulnerable position. So all I'd to say is there's a million different things. The one thing I would ask

if possible, are you at a public school or just a private school? It's public school. Okay. I wonder if you could do a FOIA request, a Freedom of Information Act, and request certain emails. Like email correspondence,

and you have to be specific when you request these things, but I want all of the administrative emails between the principal, the outgoing principal and the superintendent. The, right, and you can, like, you have to be specific and they're going to redact stuff, like they can't put children's name in there and things like that. But there is a way you can sometimes get context. That's how reporters end up with information.

And once you make a Freedom of Information Act, back in Texas, I want to say it was 60 days. There was times I had to print off big chunks of my emails and just submit them. I just print them out and put them in a binder and give them away, right? So there is that possibility. After you met with the principal and you, are you married? So actually, this child's mother and I, we are divorced. And I have, I'm currently engaged in my new fiance and um the kid's mother my ex-wife we all get along great we're all on the same page um i couldn't couldn't ask for a better situation as far as that part of the situation so when y'all three like huddled up after meeting with the principal what was the sentiment um we we felt we felt

like our voice was heard we didn't feel like it was just like a nonsense meeting just to you know just to get the water off the ducks back if you will yeah We definitely, she encouraged us to come and meet with her any time. She said her goal as a new principal is to try to be out and about in the classroom as much as possible. I did have a full days worth of probably 15, 20 emails back and forth with the superintendent about just policy and why my child couldn't be moved and about the police investigation. And the superintendent encouraged us to go get the police report from the county, which we did and we read it. And there is a lot of mixed up stuff in there that I can understand, you know, both sides of the story. Kind of like what you were saying, oh, sometimes kids, you know, take something and run with it for a mile.

Sometimes parents launch grenades. I could see some of that going on in there. And that's when the legal part of it to me was explaining that in this, at least in our state, that if something like that happens at a school, parents don't need to be reported, only the parent of the child that, like only the child that's associated with the allegations are informed. A statement wasn't made from the school as a whole. Gotcha. Some schools have gone to that where they don't do their own, what I'll call an HR investigation. They don't do their own.

They just turn everything over to the police. Correct, which is what happened here. Okay. And sometimes that is right and good, and sometimes the evidentiary standard that the police have to have is so high that a district attorney would have to have is so high. I have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this person was doing this, whereas you can look at context and this and be like, this is not right. Right. You know what I mean? And in the police report, too, there was detail that this particular family that made the allegations had stirred up some dust in several other school districts in the area.

There you go. Which leads me to lead us to bleed that there may be some foul play going on. It's just as a dad, it makes my blood boil that I wasn't informed about it. Right. Even if it was like a blanket statement without sharing any details. But I'm starting to understand more and more just all the nitty-gritty-gris. details behind the scene stuff that I maybe don't understand. But it's easy for me to just take right off when my kid's safety is put in jeopardy. It's easy for me to just grab my pitchfork.

I mean, I'm right there with you. Your gut impulse is right. What I can't tell you here is that you're all good. Well, without more information that I might just not have access to, and that's the reality of the situation that we're in, you know, we might not be able to have that information. However, We did discuss moving this child to a different school, and we have some gripes about some other surrounding districts, and then just came to the decision in the world we live in. There's always going to be something fishy going on or something that you don't like. So we'll take the facts. We'll run with them. We'll keep our eyes and ears open.

We'll make sure that our child is educated on appropriate behaviors at school. And leave the rest in God's hands. It's his plan, not ours. How old is your child? Third grade. Third, who, third grade.

There it goes. There's my blood boiling now. Like, man. Whew. And I got a fifth grader. And so I, I, 100% agree with everything you said

except for one thing. I don't want us as adults, as parents, as really the, the stewards of the next generation to just accept, well, there's just bad stuff everywhere.

That's not good for me. And so I'm going to keep asking questions. I'm going to keep, I'm going to keep my finger really close to the pulse of what's going on in the world of my child. And I didn't, I didn't mean that in the sense that I was just, that it would be swept under the rug. I mean,

we're, we're, as a trio of parents, we've made a point that, you know, we're going to make sure we're asking. more than just the how's your day at school question every day after school. And we're communicating if we hear anything fishy.

I mean, we live 10 minutes from the school and we're always at the school. We're close with a local pastor who does a Bible club in the school. And they're always in the school. We know some of the other teachers. I mean, other than being there every day, we're just about as, we're just about as involved as we can be. We've had a positive experience with every other teacher that we've had. Man, it sounds like you're doing the best you can, keep your finger on the pulse, and I want to applaud you for not being a lunatic and not trying to burn everybody to the ground based on what may be baseless allegations, but also committing to doing your homework, having the hard conversations, not just saying, okay, whatever.

Like, no, I'm going to go sit with the superintendent. No, I'm going to go personally take time off of work, and I'm going to go sit with the new principle. I'm going to ask hard questions. I'm going to begin making sure that my son or my daughter knows right ways to respond to things and what's appropriate, what's not appropriate. Man, I applaud you. That's the right way to handle it. And your child's in great, great hands with you and the adults in his or her life.

Man, at the helm. Congratulations, man. Call anytime, brother. Thanks for the call. It's a great, great question. We come back. A woman asks how to heal after being attacked by a friend during a seven. during a psychotic episode.

We'll be right back. All right, everyone. Summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. I hope you took the time to slow down and relax because now we're back to real life. Full, overwhelming calendars,

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Use code Deloney. And don't forget to take their post-purch survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, we're back. Hey, go to the link in the show notes and click on the weekly rundown. This is a, it's free, it's a PDF, it is simple, but this is just a step-by-step guide

for having a weekly rundown conversation with you and your spouse. Talks about what's coming up on the calendar, was talking about who do we want to be this week, talking about what expenses do we know coming up this week. It just gives the week a framework and then you can begin to put in, where is sex going to go on the calendar? Where is date night going to go on the calendar? Where can I love you this week? Because this looks like it's going to get real busy for you. Where can I

step in here and love you in a way that I haven't shown up for you in the past? This simple PDF, man, thousands of people have written us back. It's changed my marriage, but it's also changed theirs in different households. And obviously, you can modify it to what fits you and your family, but just having this one step of intentionality, it takes 10 minutes, 30 minutes. It can take as long as you all want to sit there and talk and reconnect, but it will transform your home. Click the link in the show notes on the weekly rundown and go pick it up. It's totally for free.

Squad to New York City, New York, and talk to Amanda. Hey, Amanda, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. I'm good. How are you? I'm doing great. What's going on? Okay.

First of all, big fan. Love your show. I cannot believe I'm actually. I have something to talk about, but just thank you for everything you and your team have done. Thank you. I'm a big fan of Amanda from New York. Thanks for calling. It's awesome. Thank you. So I had an incident a couple months ago where one of my husband's friends had a schizophrenic-induced episode where he had attacked me. And I am struggling with moving forward and kind of the dynamic of the, friendships having changed. So paint me a fuller picture here.

This feels cut and dry to me and whenever it feels that way, that's a signal that it's usually not. Paint me a picture here. Yeah, of course. So me and my husband have been together for over 10 years. We really pride ourselves on trying to have a very welcoming and open home for people to come and gather together. So for the past couple years, usually about,

Once a week, his friends come over, like a bunch of them. You know, they play their video games and we'll play poker. Just like a really great time. Very cool. And one of these friends, again, I've known all of them for the length of our relationship. And this particular friend, we'll call him Chris. I've spent many hours talking to. He's, you know, slept over.

Like, you know, we all knew that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. but, you know, from what he's described and what from everyone's known, it was always like, oh, okay, like sometimes he hears, like, negative thoughts or whatever the case may be, but it's never come up in any big way, maybe other than, like, rambling sometimes if, you know, whatever. So it really never was on anyone's radar of anything severe. So a couple months ago, we had one of our normal parties, and I went to bed pretty early because I was tired and I was going to wake up with our three-year-old the next day. And I'm laying in bed and I hear the door open to our bedroom and I thought it was my husband. But I turn over and it's Chris standing in the doorway. So at first I'm like, oh, Chris, like, is everything okay? Like what's going on? And he doesn't say anything. And then he steps in the room and shuts the door. For a split second, I didn't think anything, but then it just kind of felt weird. So he comes in a

approaches the bed and then jumps on top of me. And I just am in a reactive, like, mood. I don't know. Like, I don't know how I just reacted. I rolled over onto the floor, like, just as he was on top of me. And I put pants on, you know, like, I was in bed. And I'm like, Chris, like, what are you doing? And now he's in our bed. Like, oh, come here. Like, I know you want me. And I'm like, whoa, whoa. Like, Chris, I don't know what's going on. like, let's get some air. I guess that was just what I was thinking in the moment. So I get out of the bedroom. My husband and a couple of the friends are playing poker in the kitchen. So like he, my husband sees my face and I'm like walking and Chris is behind me. I'm like, you need to get some air. Like go get some air. And he's, you know, following very closely behind me, um, saying inappropriate

things like, oh, I want you so bad. It's just so uncomfortable and out of character. So I finally make get to my husband who clearly see something is wrong. And I kind of like make Chris go outside. So I'm trying to tell my husband what happened. And then Chris starts screaming, just like screaming nonsense, not total nonsense, but you know, why did they do this to me? Why did this happen to me? Why does my mother do something? You know, and now I'm kind of like, we're all kind of like shocked. We've never seen this happen before. And we're like, okay, like this is really, really uncomfortable. And so I tell my husband, like, I'm really freaked out right now. Like, I want to stay here.

Like, let me go put on some more comfortable clothes and I'll, like, come right back. So as I'm walking to the bedroom, I hear my husband saying, Chris, stop. What are you doing? And as I'm walking through the hallway, he is behind me. And he is, like, running, like, not running, but like very fastly walking right behind me. And so then I just kind of froze in fear. I could feel him getting really close to me. And I just, in that moment, didn't know what to do. And so my husband comes and grabs him by the neck and is like, Chris, like, what are you doing?

Like, stop. And he's not stopping. He's still trying to get at me. And I am still just standing there, like, just frozen and uncomfortable. And he eventually gets him off of me. And then I say, like, my daughter's room is two doors down. Like, what are you doing? Like, you need to, You need to go. You need to leave. And then something like clicks in him and he storms off downstairs. And then there was kind of some like yelling downstairs that he was doing. And then one another friend had, we found out later, had taken him out of the house and brought him home. And, you know, me and my husband were, you know, we're just like, everyone was very shocked at that situation. So, so that was what had happened. My God, I'm sorry that happened to you in your own home.

Yeah, it was really, I didn't know how to process it. I had for a couple weeks I was experiencing some panic attacks. I felt like I've opened my home to people and someone who I didn't think something would happen like this. You know, it did happen. Man, I'm so sorry. Thank you. And I don't want to put anything on you, but I heard it. several little tiny slivers of you judging your responses at certain times.

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I feel like... Amanda, Amanda, you've got to give yourself some grace. Yeah. Everybody has an idea of what they'll do when things like that happen, and then they happen. You know what I mean? Yeah. And trust yourself that your body was doing exactly what it knew to do in those moments.

Yeah, I just thought that now since things have kind of like not died down, but it's been like a little bit of time. I feel like how calmly I had responded, maybe didn't. I don't know. I don't know. I just kind of been thinking about it too much because now that it's been some time, now there's this uncomfortable discourse kind of going on. because so at first I really did try to approach with grace and understanding that he has schizophrenia from what from the friend that brought him home. He had no recollection of what happened.

He even went back the next day and saw him. And he said that he told Chris what had happened and he had no idea what happened at all. And so for the first couple weeks, I was, you know, I would kind of ask some of the friends like, hey, like, have you talked to Chris? Like, is he okay? And I was just kind of trying to know, like, is he okay? Did he have any help?

Did he go to the hospital or anything? And that didn't happen. So are you feeling pressure now to have him back in your home? Like, what's, tell me how I can help. So now other friends, like now friends that we have had for years, they are hanging out with Chris and having these get-togethers with him where, you know, it was very clear the boundary. He's not allowed in our house.

I don't want to be around him. And people are still hanging out with, like, these friends, like people that are very close to me, like one of them being our daughter's godfather, you know, is hanging out with Chris. And I'm finding out there is no conversation about what happened anymore. It's just, look, what he did was. messed up, but he's still my friend and I don't want him to be alone and it's shifting to, oh, Chris feels so alone now because he's not invited to things and like, oh, he had a schizophrenic episode so it shouldn't be held to like whatever standard. And now that sympathy that

I had now is turning like to anger and resentment and seeing our friends in a different light because I do think there is some accountability finding out afterwards. He wasn't supposed to be smoking weed or, you know, doing the things he was doing. Right. Where's your husband in all of this? He is 100% supportive of me and has said that whatever I needed to be comfortable, whether it be telling people, hey, look, if you associate with Chris, we can no longer have you in your life, have you in our life, things like that.

He's very, you know, open to everything. He's been amazing. Okay. I wish I had a cleaner answer here for you, but it's usually after a big thing that you see somebody's true colors. And the, what I hate on videos, like if something bad is happening, something's going on, there's an active shooter somewhere. I hate the Monday morning quarterbacking of that, right?

when people get the video cameras or the cell phone cameras and they want to critique who moved in what way and who got behind something and who didn't do like I don't super love that because most people haven't been in that situation and in like you experienced for most people who aren't trained um their your body just does what it does it reacts where I begin to my sympathy falls off is in the post when the smoke is cleared a little bit and people's minds are clear. Then you find out, oh, you care more about keeping the peace than you do about making sure nobody's wife is safe.

Right? Or I guess, and I would ask you, like, it's easy to sit at home now and you would be uncommon. I don't want to put this on you, but you would be uncommon if you also didn't have this weird sense of guilt is probably the wrong word, but that sense that this thing, this get together that was beautiful for a decade. This thing that happened all the time is now over and I was involved in it, right? Yeah. And then that should make you mad that you feel that way and then that makes you resentful and it just works in a big loop. I guess what I would ask you to do is to hold,

you don't know what conversations are being had with two men looking at each other saying, if you smoke weed again, we're calling the cops. If you show up somewhere and you're unmedicated, this is what the results will be. You don't know if those are conversations are happening or not, and the stories you're getting firsthand or second or third or fourth hand are that no conversation's happening, everything's back to normal, and that may or may not be true.

But since you're never going to really know that, you get to pick what story you're telling yourself. And our body's default to the story, that's going to keep us the safest. And so we're going to, it will tend towards the more scorched earth story. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

At the end of the day, you have to deal with a heartbreak that somebody you trusted inside your own home attacked you in your own bed. That's a scary place to be. Is it unfair of me? No, no.

Like, nothing is unfair. It's not unfair for me to tell. my husband like I don't want people around me if they associate with him. No. No. But what about having schizophrenia? I don't know anything about it and about you know the not

knowing what you're doing in the moment and if somebody has a psychotic break I mean yeah I've sat with folks who have no recollection of what they've done and that's there's a difference between

why something happened and what happened. And as the victim of what happened, I'm not going to put that burden on you to put yourself in harm's way over and over and over again because there's a what happened or there's a why something happened. The fact is it happened.

Now, if this, if this, and schizophrenia is on a spectrum. And so some folks manage it, can manage it really well. it is like kind of like you mentioned like a little bit conspiratorial a little bit voices a little bit right and it can be managed and folks can it'll always be a struggle they've always got to be on medication they've always got to be talking to somebody um but there are things that that you can do to where most people wouldn't know you know what i mean only people really close and then it also scales right so

it also can move over time it's not a static it's not static right the voices can get louder is a simple way to say it and medications may need to be changed and all it to say is management of this thing is an ongoing process all of that to say you as the victim of an attempted assault in your own bed one door down from your daughter with your husband in the next room do not have to participate in that management and the only pushback I would even like, I am 1,000% on your side when you say that your husband's amazing and great has handled this great. The only pushback I would have if he called me is that I would ask him since these are his core group of friends that he takes this burden from you. Does that make

sense? Yeah. Yeah, he has asked me what to do, like what would make me comfortable. And he was, you know, he's willing to, you know, put out the, hey, you cannot associate with him and still be in our lives. But that puts in it, but it felt scorched earth. Well, it puts an incredible burden on you, the victim here, to also be responsible for the, what happens next. And so one of my rules of thumb in somebody in an assault or an attempted assault is you're driving. but up to a point since I'm in a like a right or die relationship with you, I would probably flip it and I would probably look at my wife in this situation.

And again, it's not happened. And so this is me talking out of what I think I would do and at this point I've been through this so much with other folks. I would say, hey, these folks are not in our life at all if they're going to associate with him until you tell me otherwise i'm taking the lead here because i want to carry the burden of like you've been through enough it's not also your job to co-manage like what should like friendship here and friendship these are my buddies this happened in my house to my wife and and again i'm using very possessive language unfairly right but

that's the sense of ownership i would feel and i'd be real real real direct with my other guy friends. Now if he came over and said, hey, I want to have a conversation with you and with your wife and he and your husband said, not in my house, you're not. Now, my daughter asleep in the next room, you're not. And you all met somewhere at a local diner or a restaurant. And he said, I screwed up real bad and I wasn't taking my medication. I knew I shouldn't be drinking and smoking weed and all these things happened in a row. And he looked at you and said, I hurt you and I'm sorry. You're my friend. I'm back to managing this thing. I'm, under the care of a new physician, I'm yada, and just laid out a path, I still probably wouldn't let him

in my home. Yeah. Not probably. I wouldn't let him in my house. But that would be a different context of if other people want to hang out with him. If my husband even wants to go have a drink with him or not a drink, but go have coffee with him or whatever, that might be a different thing. But as a husband, I would have a really, really hard time coming back from that, regardless of the context. My hope is this, man is able to sit with the right folks and has the right men in his life that won't just play video games with them but will also love him enough to hold him to a higher standard. He should be in jail or should have been arrested. Let me say it that way and gotten the psychiatric help he needs in a psychiatric facility.

But, man, I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad your husband has shown up for you too. But things are different now and you and your husband get to decide what that looks like. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. We all have a million decisions to make every day. Between what to have for dinner, who's going to drop off the kids, where to get an oil change. Listen, the last thing I want to think about with all that chaos going on is what to wear.

And with poncho, I never have to agonize over what shirt I'm going to put on. They're lightweight, they're breathable, they're stretchy, they're fast drying, and they're super tough, and they look awesome. I know when I grab it off the hanger, I'm going to look good. and feel good no matter what I get into that day. I wear them here on the show, mowing the yard, fishing. I wear them at church. I wear them everywhere. And it's college football season.

Poncho has shirts for over 20 schools. I got my Texas Tech one so you can represent your team and still look sharp. Head to poncho outdoors.com slash Deloni to find your favorite school and grab your shirts. Sign up with your email for a special offer. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell them that Deloney sent you. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni or click the link in the description. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right. So I have an email here from a listener, Jeremy. Jeremy spoke in class today. In what? Jeremy spoke in. Yes. Great song.

Great song. In Rice Lake, Wisconsin. You know what? When you say Rice Lake, Wisconsin. You know what my first response is? Yep. Of course there's a town called Rice Lake in Wisconsin. Wisconsin. It's perfect. Yes. And I'll try not to read it in a Midwestern accent. I think you should. That's probably somehow disrespectful. It's grievous cultural appropriation. But it's the only accent that I can do well. You actually nailed it. All right. Plus it's like kind of a serious thing. So I won't. Okay. Jeremy Wright. I don't have a question, but I wanted to thank John for suggesting the Theo Vonn interview with Steve Walt. Just to remind people, Theo Vaughn had Steve Walt on who runs Valor. Yes. The organization. The pornography recovery group.

Yeah, that's pornography recovery. I've struggled with porn addiction for years, and it really hit home. Ever since I've listened to it, I've made some changes and haven't looked at it since. The thought of watching it now fills me with a bunch of ick. Since cutting it out, I've been more affectionate with my wife. we've touched and kissed in more playful ways. Everything he talked about hit home with me, and because of that, I believe I've turned a corner.

Thank you for suggesting it, and thank you for being so willing to talk about such embarrassing topics with respect and understanding. I cannot tell you how much you've helped both my wife and I. Thank you for everything. I guess Kelly has to be thrown in there as well. Shrug, Jeremy. See, Jeremy, she was mocking you with her accent.

She shouldn't have gotten whatever. No, that, dude, I'm proud of you, man. And that huge kudos to Theo and his team for having Steve on. It's just such a great episode. And if you haven't listened to it and you know somebody who's struggling in pornography or if you are, go check it out. We'll put a link in the show notes again. It's just such a, I've got high respect for Steve. Well, I got high respect for Theo here.

He lives here in town. But, man, that was an important conversation. And both of those men were pretty vulnerable in that conversation. So it's worth listening to. and more importantly, it's not just a stirring it around. They actually have some true steps on what to do and how to do it.

That's pretty awesome. Pretty awesome. But a, proud of you, brother. That's awesome. Thank you for writing in, letting us know, Jeremy, the steps you're taken to heal yourself and heal your marriage

and heal those around. It's awesome.