The Dr. John Delony Show - Caller: “Will My Affair Cost Me My Marriage?”

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife wondering if her affair will destroy her marriage A woman struggling with her husband’s hurtful communication A man whose parents don’t approve of his fiancée   Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤ ️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I had an affair. It was a two-week, your elite was a cool thing. What did the affair mean to you? I felt alive. It felt like something that was all mine. I'll have this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids.

It didn't have to be about my husband. It was all about me. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Man, I'm so glad you're here. There's a trillion podcast, and you picked this one. there's a hundred trillion YouTube clips

and you pick this when I'm so glad you're with us talking to real people about real problems going on in their lives. Man, I'm just so grateful that everyone is here. Thank you so much for joining us. If you want to be on this show, we're talking about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, the affair, life after kids, life with kids,

your mental and emotional, all of it. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will go to Kelly and she'll get you on the show. So it's the Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up? Hi, John.

How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you? I'm fine. Thank you. What's up? I am calling today because I want to know how to respect my husband's wishes after my affair. Tell me more.

I had an affair back in June, and since then, my husband has been on and off. whether we should stay together or he wants to divorce me. Okay. So June, that's, I mean, we're taking this call at the beginning of August, and so that's pretty fresh, right? Yeah. Tell me about the affair. It was a two-week, purely physical thing,

and it was some guy that I knew from back when I was a kid. My husband had just switched to being an over-the-road truck driver instead of an at-home truck driver. We've been distant for years, which, of course, is no excuse. But he gave me attention, and I wanted that. What, um, how long have y'all been married?

We just passed five years. Okay. The beginning of July. What did the, um, this is going to sound like a strange question. What did the affair mean to you? No, I've actually thought a lot about that.

And the answer that I can come up with is, like, I felt alive. Like, it was, it sounds dumb. No, that's, that's the most common answer I get, by the way. I'm glad to hear that. Um, it just, it felt like something that was all mine. And it was, I got to have this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids. It didn't have to be about my husband. It didn't have to be about that I'm a responsible adult. It was just, it was all about me. And now there's a chance that your life may truly be just all about you, right? Yeah.

So how did your husband find out? Tell me about the aftermath because, again, it's pretty recent. He's known the whole time. Like, I thought I was really good at hiding it, but apparently not. Okay. And he called me while he was on his way back from one of the states that he was in. It was just like, hey, I just started crying. You just cut out on me.

He called you from another state, and what do he say? Yeah, he was on his way back, because he's an over-the-road truck driver. He was on his way back, and he was just like, and he did tell me what's going on. Something's going on, and I know with something's going on. And I was just, I start crying, and I'm like, you're right. Like, I've been having an affair with this guy. And he was just like, what does that mean? I was just like, well, he's, we've been intimate several times.

So then he was just like, I can't talk about this right now. After I get off work, we'll talk about it. So he got home, and I'd already put the kids to bed by the time he got home, and he was trying to figure out what exactly that meant, when, and how, and kind of details. And then he was just like, I need to go somewhere for a couple days. So he left, came back, and he was just like, I don't want a divorce. Like, our boys deserve better. My kids deserve better.

He's got two kids from his previous wife, and then we have two boys together. Okay. And I was just like, okay, like, I don't know how to make this better, but I do know that, like, this was on me. This was not anything you did that led me to this. And he was just like, no, I know I haven't been a good husband. And I was just like, even still, it doesn't deserve this kind of betrayal. And he was like, I get that.

So then we were able to talk, and then it turned the next day where he's, screaming at me, yelling at me, telling him wants a divorce, calling me all sorts of names. We have this punching bag that he brought into the living room, and any time he was talking to me, he's hitting the punching bag and very aggressive, like, in my face. And then the next day it was back to, I love you, I'm sorry. I know I messed up. Like, we can work from this. I don't trust you, but I know I need to figure out how.

So then I told him what you said of here's how we rebuild. trust. It's a week by week kind of we're checking in. How can I love you today? Here's what I need from you. And then through the actions consistently over time, learn how to rebuild trust. He didn't like that very much.

She wanted it a right-away thing. Okay. Then after, I don't know, a month maybe of going back and forth, this is the end of July. He said he just needs to be. needed some actual space away from me and not just a couple days. So I took our boys to stay with my parents in a different state. And he called me a couple days into that trip. And he was like, I'm done. Like, I'm filing paperwork. I can't do this with you. Okay. So is, is, is, as he filed?

He has not. Okay. It is now, I've been back home for just over a week. And it's pretty consistently he's saying I still want a divorce but then he'll come back a couple hours later I want to work this out and I want to want to work this out I just don't know how to get past her okay um what happened in his first marriage um they got married right out of high school like high school graduation they ran away together and alope and then they had a kid right away and then another one couple years after that and she had been having multiple affairs their entire relationship. That's what I was.

And his mom had had multiple affairs throughout him growing up. Yeah. So like this cuts deep for him. Yeah. So let me let me say this above and beyond everything. Okay. I've heard you take ownership. I've heard you like regardless of your marriage wasn't great.

he was on the road trying to provide for his family. You're taking full ownership. I went and slept with somebody else. Like, I hear you owning that and that's good. The big picture, though, is nobody, in any circumstance, needs to not feel safe in their own house. Okay. So if he's making violent threats,

if he's screaming, if he's punching things, like, I'm leaving. I'm getting the kids and I'm leaving. Okay. Now, I want to just put a, put a, like a nail in that coffin. Safety's first. Okay. So I'm assuming I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that, like you've heard me say,

it's something like you've listened to the show before. Like, you blew the world up. And so there's some volatility there, meaning one day it's going to feel good. Next day, it's like, this is insane. The next day, it's going to feel good. then at night all he's going to do is just keep having like lightning bolts of images of you having sex with somebody else and it's going to be layer like you said on top of his first wife cheating on him all time his mom blowing up his childhood home and so yeah you're right there's a ton here okay and probably

underneath all of that is he swore to himself especially after his first wife i will never put up with this again yeah he said that and then it happened again right and so he is at war with himself. Are you a guy that you can trust? That's what he's that's what his body's asking itself. And if you don't keep your promises to yourself, you get I'm saying. So that war, that volatility you're feeling is originating inside his chest. Okay. Okay. And you're there in the room and you're the recipient of that up and down, but that war is inside of him. And so the first, the first, first thing he's got to do is go sit with somebody and unpack it. I think space was wise. I'm glad he had the courage to say that. And I'm glad you had a place

to go with the boys for several weeks. Space was good. But if he just used that space as a time to hit the punching bag and to replay his imagination of you and this guy having sex over and over again, that wasn't productive time. In fact, it was entrenchment. It was entrenchment time. Okay. It was entrenchment time. It actually reinforced the fantasies, the stories he's got just not the stories, the movies he's got playing inside his head. So when you told him what I say, you left out a key part. And you're all good there. I love that. I love the sound of kids. You left out a key part. And the key part is he gets to give you a path to reestablish trust. and you get to decide whether you as a grown woman are going to walk it or not.

And so it's not just a matter of how can I love you today. It is, I'm gone five days a week. And so here's what I'm going to ask of you. You still there? Yeah, I'm here. Okay, okay. So if he won't do that or can't do that, then nothing else works. Because he's going to be chasing a feeling.

I'll trust her when I don't have these images pop into my mind. I'll trust her when, and he's gone five days a week over the road. So he's going to be chasing a feeling of trust instead of the actions of trust. Okay. And I have to be super honest with you. I understand, and tell me if I'm out to lunch here. You know what you did violated your core sense of value, and you know what you did hurt your husband. But I'm not hearing that you regret that it happens.

I definitely read it. If you could go back. Every single day, if I could go back and change it, I know exactly the moment where I was like, you know what, it's okay. Like, I am so done. Like, it's very aware of what I did and I would change it in an absolute heartbeat.

Okay. This was not worth those two weeks. Okay. This wasn't even worth once. Okay. So the question before you and your marriage, is A, will he give you, and the week by week is, here's what I want this week.

I want to see your phone. I want to look at all of your messages. I want us to share a single checking account so I know where all the money is coming and going. I want you to check in with me every, I'm making up stuff now, right? I'm being ridiculous, but I want you to check in with me every hour where I'm on the road.

I want to geolocate your phone so I know where you are. So I can look whenever I have a panic attack on driving, where's my wife, where's my wife? I can just pull it up and look. he's going to give you that map and then you get to decide whether I'm going to do those things and then at the end of that week when he feels like I don't feel like I trust her yet a that's right but he's going to have a path he's going to see she walked this path right and so we're going to begin to teach our body that the feelings we have because his feelings

are going to do one thing try to keep him safe and you aren't safe because you're just another in a long line of women who he trusted who heard him And so, like, we're going to have to, he's going to have to see action steps and begin to recalibrate his feelings. And that's hard. It just takes time. But if he's going to throw around divorce, throw around on filing, then y'all need to have that conversation.

I'm already doing all of those things. Like, we didn't have a shared checking account. I stay at home with the kids. He would send me money or give me his card when I need to go get something. Well, that's a stupid way to do a life together. I mean Tell me about it I've tried to talk to him about

He doesn't care And so reestablishing trust is He can't sit on the side of the river And watch you row He has to get both feet back in that boat too And that means he's got to have to risk Getting hurt again And that's going to be a scary proposition

For a season But that means I have to risk Man she did this too I've got to risk We got to go all in this thing together because part of that aliveness, that's going to be the lesson, I mean, that's going to be the thing you'll have to work on down the road,

which is how do we create aliveness inside of our own marriage? We have two little kids. You're gone a lot. We have to be extra intentional about creating life inside of our own marriage, inside of our own home. It can't just be that you sit at home as basically a single mom with two kids. You're not trapped inside your own home, and you're not allowed to leave. And you have to go beg daddy for money.

Like that, that's not a marriage. he's your dad and you're the babysitter you get what I'm saying? Yeah I think the time What do if he just wants to be done then you're going to have to own

this is the consequence of what I did and then you're all going to have to work on being the best co-parents possible I mean what's the other alternative yeah if he files on you files on you but I think you're not asking that question and y'all kind of dancing around it

because he made a pretty, pretty grandiose proclamation. And you're right to not just sit there and take it, but to sit down and say, okay, a month ago, you said you're filing for divorce. I'm in limbo here. I've told you I want to rebuild this thing. I'm asking you for a weekly path. It's going to take time.

There's not a light switch that you're going to be able to flip. And I understand that I, in your first wife, your mom, I did it too. But I'm 100% recommitted to building this thing back up from the floor up. And tell them, I'm not, if this is the truth, I'm not going to file on you. I never will. Or if you want me to go do it because you don't have the courage to do it, I will. But you can't just sit there in limbo.

The kids can't be in limbo. He can't just sit there in limbo. Okay. But, man, this isn't going to be fixed in 30 days. It's not going to be fixed in six months. Or fix is the wrong word. It's not going to be healed in six months. It's going to take a long time.

because this is a guy with deep, deep, infidelity wounds already, but it is going to take both of you saying what must be true for us to trust each other. So thanks for the call, I wish I had some better news for you, but I think right now it's a matter of clearing the deck and being really honest with each other.

And the volatility, the ups and downs, the big swings, he needs to go sit with somebody. He's going to melt himself from the inside out. And you need to go talk to somebody too. Hand the line here. We'll get you hooked up. We come back. A woman asks how to revisit what was said during a fight after the apology.

We'll be right back. The other day I went to the movies with my family. I used a driving app to get to the movie. I had to order my tickets online from another app. I had to order food in the theater using yet another app. Every app asked for loads of personal information, my home address, my phone number, my email address, my geolocation, my card number. And this was just to go to the movies with them. my family, no matter what you and I do, our personal information is everywhere on the

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Me helps you take back control. Go to join deleteme.com slash Deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. All right, Salt Lake City, Utah. Let's talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up? Hi, just hanging out in my car because make sure the kids aren't here. Very cool.

So what's going on? So pretty much, I'll keep it as simple as that. Just how do my partner and I actually talk about the things said during the fight? after the apology or after, you know, it's kind of just set down. How do we talk about it and move forward? Tell me what happened. So I guess there's like a specific one that afterward I was writing and wrote into you. But it's kind of a repeating pattern where just as usually I bring up

a want and I try to make sure to address it as like a want in our relationship and then instead of it just being the conversation about that he'll bring up

like what I see is more like character personality issues of me and it kind of I guess more so the original problem gets dropped

and then becomes like a bigger issue. It can even be, you know, really long until we both kind of just get tired of it. And either both apologize because we don't, you know, we love each other and we don't want to be in that fight or, and it doesn't, but it doesn't, we don't really move forward. You know, like it keeps happening. Yeah. Long conversations, long, long drawn-out conversations. never solve a problem ever sometimes they are cathartic and they feel good because everyone's just tired yeah and i can give you a path for solving an actual issue but there's something i in my guts

i feel like there's something beneath this so give me a real example you told him one day hey i want this and he responded with what what did you tell him and then how did he respond so the situation that most recently happened was very small compared to other ones we've had. But I kind of a bigger issue. I wanted better communication with his work schedule. Something for a long time we've kind of had issues with

where if he's working late, I just want to feel like thought about. You know, he doesn't, he doesn't have to tell me what time he's coming home. He doesn't have to have like a clear plan. Like, but I just want a quick text like, hey, I'm not going to be coming home. You know, like, it's going to be a late night, just something. Where does he work? He got, he is a plant manager at a machine shop.

Okay. And there's not a regular routine or schedule? No, it's, it's kind of been, we're in one of those seasons. in a winter storm where the shop kind of has turned over. He just became the manager new ownership the last year about. And it's kind of just a season of a lot of hours. I actually ended up last week personally working there for like 15 hours to help out. It's a busy time.

And just meeting deadlines. This isn't forever. This is just a messy season. Yeah, a messy season. There's even like an extra strategy for like this whole project, but even before that it shouldn't be like, yeah. So what in the world, what in the galaxy could his, could he have a problem with you saying, hey, at five or six, can you let me know? that seems like a basic form of human decency. That's not even a way you treat your wife.

That's the way you treat a roommate. That's the way you treat any human on the planet. Hey, I'm not, tonight's going to be a late one. What in the world is the negative response to that? Sorry. No, you're good. I did not think I get, I'm not sure. Sorry.

Well, you're walking around your own home feeling like you're a nagging lunatic because you want to just, hey, are you coming home at six or at midnight? That's human decency. It is very refreshing to hear that not in my own voice. You're not insane, Sarah. I know many wives who are like, no, no, no, I want to know the minute. And if I'm going to call your supervisor and how dare you come home late? That's not you.

You're just saying, hey, I need to know if to put an extra plate out. Yeah, yeah. I need to know if I'm going to go to bed early tonight or if I want to stay up with you. I want to be a good wife. I want to be plugged in. I've tried to explain to him like, I'm good. Like I have, so we are a blended, I guess, family. We have a lot of, it's been a rough road.

I have four kids, but we have 50, 50 custody. And so they're at our house half the time. And like, like, he is amazing. like when he's there, he's so plugged in. He does breakfast and he packs lunches. He's really an incredible person. But it is like, it is just the feeling of being, like, communicated with. And I've said that to him, like, I'm, like, our household functions really well.

And, like, it's not a new. need, it's not a logistic, like, there's not a, hey, I have to have you do this because it's, and I've told them, like, it's just I want to feel like you're thinking about me that we're sharing this life together and that you know that, you know, we want you home. And like, and if you're not coming home, like, that's totally fine, but like, that you know we're here. And what's his response to that? What, what, how does he turn that into a character issue? about you? Well, it kind of goes away from that

because the response to that is kind of more so just he got pulled into a meeting and didn't see the time and, you know, didn't realize how late it was. But then it gets, like, moved away from that conversation completely into he was frustrated that I didn't consider his day. But, like, he had, and, like, he validly did.

I did think about it because, like, I feel fairly, like, a participant in his shop. And, like, he did have probably one of the worst days. Just, he was preparing for an audit. And, like, it was, it was probably an unbelievable stressful day. And, like, and so his, he was like, you know, you didn't consider me. and there's just so many things of, you know, I don't consider, you know, I didn't consider his feelings. And then also there's no space for him to talk in the conversation. If I have negative feelings, then that's, you know, that's the atmosphere for the relationship.

Like, I control my feelings, control how we are. And you're kind of losing me. It's getting really abstract. I'll give you the path forward, okay? Like the getting, there's a lot of scorekeeping going on on his side, it sounds like. Look at all I'm doing. I've scored 30 points, so you need to score 30 points. That's just not how marriage works.

Marriage works with some days I need you to score 50 because I can only score 10. and some days I'm going to take care of all four of these kids and I know you're having a crazy day. I know that. And I still love you. And you're not out to lunch to wish he would step aside and be like, this day is bananas.

I love you too. Or maybe he's not a I love you too text or kind of guy. Whatever. But hey, I'm going to be late tonight. You all do dinner without me. and so if you've given yourself a mantra, I'm okay with this season. I'm okay with the nature of the shop.

I'm okay with this and you're not. I want you to be honest with yourself about that. Okay? Yeah. If you're drowning in four kids all over the place, all by yourself, because he's working 15 hour days,

I want you to be honest about it. I got to get some hell. Especially if this is just a season, this is the way things are going to be for a while. But they're not going to be. be this way forever. Great. We're building something together. Awesome. The path for, I want to solve an actual problem. You've probably heard me say this on the show. I'll repeat it for you, but it's pretty simple, and it's not foolproof, and it's not emotion proof. In fact, it's often the opposite.

But it is you saying, the story I'm making up is, when you're fully working, I'm a bother to you. thinking about us is a bother. And when you're working hard, the story I'm making up is you don't think I'm working hard too. The story I'm making up is I'm not worth a text message to say, hey, thinking about you. And whatever,

and you going first saying, here's what I'm making up. And those stories make me feel small. They make me feel less than. They make me feel real, real sad. They make me feel like I'm doing this all by myself. Because otherwise, he's going to think in his head, I'm working 15 hour days and I'm taking care of all this madness and I'm trying to provide

and I get up and I do lunches and I do this and now she wants one more thing from me and what we want we want to get away from that too he's just trying to run through a checklist because it sounds like the real thing is you miss your husband yeah and so saying here's the stories I'm making up here's how I feel about them and here's what I'm going to do differently whenever I wonder if why you haven't texted I'm going to text you and I'm going to start assuming if if I don't hear from you by five or by six, that you're not coming home for dinner. And I'll plan accordingly.

I probably listen to your show too much, to be honest. I have tried that. And I've tried to have that conversation with him. I've tried to show up that way. And it doesn't work. He doesn't care. And, yeah, it doesn't really feel like he's scorekeeping. Like, he does, like, I,

recognize that like, like, it's like my recognition that he does show up so much. Like, he's not putting that out necessarily as like an attack. But it's, it's just the, like, he just, and I think for like a long time since, you know, since we stopped dating each other. Like, I feel like we stopped dating each other. You know, he just, he's at work. He comes home. He wants us to date. be convenient and like and I've tried to rewrite like the narratives in my head and like part of me wants to be able to keep with that but after like weeks of just telling myself like I know he cares I know that I see the things that he does and I know that's his way of showing me. that he cares.

But that's the problem is it's my responsibility and my marriage to speak in a language that my wife can hear, not to do all the things that I want to do and expect her to interpret that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so there is, the most telling thing you've told me on this call is the expectation is that we're convenient. And that is an expectation that goes out.

the window when you take somebody else and say, I'll marry you, write or die until one of us dies. That's not convenient. There's nothing about love that's convenient. There's nothing about marriage that's convenient. We're building something. The challenge for you is it sounds like you've done the things. You've sat down and said, here's what I would love, here's what I want, here's what I want us to build together. And your husband said, I don't want that. Am I overstating it or is that true? He has said, I want to work on my career. I want to help out with the kids. And I want you all to kind of stay out of the way. Yeah, that's what feels.

That's a hard, hard place to find yourself. Hang on the line. I want to hook you up with my buddy, Luke Lefevre. I want you to go through his, he teaches journaling courses, but he helps you get to the feelings beneath the feelings, beneath the feelings. And I think right now you feel so lonely, and right now you feel just nuts. And I want you to go through his course. So hang on the line here.

I'll get your information and I'll connect you. with Luke and he'll put you into his course but I want you to go be a part of that for a few weeks or maybe a few months and this is something you can do on your own and it won't cost you anything but I want you to go through this and I want you to begin to develop your voice and not a dramatic this is my voice I want you to develop here's what's actually going on in my chest here's what I actually feel and here's what I now know beneath the feelings beneath the emotions here's what I know to be true. Because I don't want spouses to have to manage each other.

And I don't want spouses to be, this is going to be an inconvenience to hear how my wife feels about something so that I can get on to the more important things of scrolling or having my alone time or being left alone. That's not a life. It's not a marriage.

And yeah, if you're not married yet, I mean, you're getting a visual of 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road, road, what you're signing up for. And maybe he got hurt bad in his last marriage and he circled the walls up and said, never again when I get hurt like that, I'm going to manage every moment of my life. You get to decide whether you're going to be married to that or not. Thanks for the call. We come back. A man asks that to honor his parents while moving forward with his marriage. We'll be right back. You know why I keep talking about cozy earth? Because every cozy earth product I've ever tried

has been great, so great that they've become integrated into my home. I love cozy earth's bamboo sheets. They're soft. They're breathable. They're temperature regulating. I've got them on almost every bed in my house. I love cozy earth's towels. They're awesome. I got the huge, thick and ridiculously comfortable ones, and I got the thinner waffle towels. They all survive multiple loads in the dryer. They're the best. And I'm not a pajama guy, but my wife and my daughter love their cosier's pajamas. They've started changing into them way before bedtime because they're so comfortable. Most companies have one thing they're known for. Cozy Earth somehow makes everything incredible.

Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. And if you get a post-purched survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. Make home the best part of your life. All right, Allentown, Pennsylvania. Let's talk to Chris. Hey, Chris, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm all right, brother. How are you? Excellent. I'm doing great. Thanks for taking my call. You got it. What's up? So I am getting married in a couple months. Congratulations. I'm excited about that. Thank you. Yeah, great support system. I'm just super excited.

my parents are not in support of the relationship or the marriage. And so I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about how maybe I can move forward relationally with them in this season and try and work through some of those things with them. Sure. How old are you? Yeah, I'm 35. Okay. Why don't your parents support your marriage? We are, all of us involved in the situation are born-again Christians,

but my fiancé has been married and divorced. before and my parents are just very opposed to any kind of remarriage after divorce. It's a belief system thing. So I'm going to sound crass or I'm going to sound, not crass, a callous. Is that okay? Yeah, please. All right. So I'm going to say things like obtusely.

Like, I keep saying dorky words. I'm going to say things real direct and I want you to push back on me if I'm wrong. Okay. Yeah, it's one of the things I love about your show. Go for it. Okay. You're 35. A.

Yes. Are you going to marry this woman? Yep. Are you? Yes. Okay. Then who cares what they say? Here's next thing.

Underneath that, they've judged a lot of things you've done over the course of your life and held that over you for a long time. True or false? True. Okay. They always have had opinions about decisions you've made and decisions they haven't made. and often their opinions are wrapped in some sort of faith value system of theirs. True or false?

Yeah, true. Okay. So let's not expect anything different this time. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you still going to marry her? You said yes. Yeah. B, you had a fantasy, a picture, a fantasy. I always use that word.

It's the wrong word. You had a picture that you painted. They were going to be standing next to you at this what? They're not. So now I'm going to retract to my first statement I said, who cares what they think? Of course you care what they think. They're your parents. And not only that, they are using the same label for their value system that you use for yours.

But it's different. And so they're trying to weaponize your value system against you because y'all both use the same label for your value system. But your values are very different than each other's. and often that happens when people want to control what other people are doing. Mm-hmm. Are they going to come to the wedding? No, no, I don't think so. Okay.

So there's going to be a season of grief, be sad. And this may be an open door for you to finally begin to unhook yourself from they get a vote in the decisions that you make. You still love them, still going to treat them with honor and respect, but they don't get a vote in the decisions that you make. does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And I agree with all that. I do some counseling myself, and that's the advice that I would give, certainly. It doesn't make it easy, though.

No, no, it doesn't. Like you said, it's a belief system thing. So at the end of the day, I am objectively wrong, and they are objectively right. And it's hard to have a relationship when they're on God's side, and therefore I'm not. So tale is old as time. Yeah. Right?

I mean, you've probably heard that that in a war, both sides are praying to their God. Right? One of them is going to lose. Right. And so as long as you try to morph and twist your value system to match theirs, nothing about their life will change. you will just become a diminished lesser version of yourself. And if you haven't already,

I would take the time to write down your personal values and the day after you get married, not the day after, that's kind of lame, but shortly after you get married, you and your wife, or beforehand as a part of a premarital thing. Like, write down, who are we going to be? Let's have a joint value system for our marriage.

I mean, for God's sakes, we do it in our businesses. You're a minister, is that what you said? Yes. y'all have your church has core values or whatever um like i don't know why marriages don't have that marriages should this is who we are going to be and then other people get to opt in or out of your value system but my i'm man maybe i might be reaching but just the fact that you're asking this question at 35 tells me they've been hovering over you your whole stink in life fair yeah and at some point you have you have

to have the courage to say, y'all don't get a vote. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's exactly where I'm at. I don't, I don't mourn that. I mean, I don't, I'm fine moving on and making decisions. I am, is that kind of relationship worth pursuing? Obviously, they don't get a say, they don't get a vote. My wife and I get to determine what our life is going to be. I think you send them a letter, I mean, that just says, I'm sad,

you aren't going to be able to make it. I understand y'all are making a principled decision. and I respect your right to make this principal decision. I'm going to miss you. And we hope to have kids someday, and I hope you'll be a part of their lives. And if your principals don't allow that, it'll make me sad that y'all are adults

and y'all get to make your choices. My front door will always be open. And then they get to choose where they walk in it or not. Most people are not prepared for the heartbreak on the other side of that. sort of statement, that sort of boundary, if you will, when they choose to not walk through it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Because they would rather be right in their version of right than be in relationship with their freaking son, man. That sucks. That's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. Do you and this woman, do you all plan on having kids?

We're not sure. Okay. I'm biased, so I hope you do. But I don't want to put my bias on your. everybody, but I hope you do. But here's the thing. The thing, well, a thing here that you can control is moving forward, my kids will know wherever you happen to be. I'll be right there. I'll chase my kids to hell and back. Yeah. Right. Yeah, absolutely. It's definitely changed my perspective on that and looking to the future in that, in that way. That's, that's true.

You will probably, if you truly metabolize it, you'll probably enter into a a pretty dark season of anger. Because this has probably been happening a lot. And you could probably go back to elementary school and middle school and your college choice and the relationships you did or didn't have as a young adult, the decisions you made where you lived, you'll start to realize, oh my gosh,

these people have been using their set of values to force me in a particular direction my whole life. By the way, since you're an adult, they haven't forced you. but sometimes it takes a while for that light to come on, right? I've made choices to stay attached to their value system, and I don't, it's not a part of my life anymore. And by the way, I say this often on the show.

My, the executor of my will, one of my greatest friends on the planet, is an executive at a bank. And my day job is telling people to get out of debt, right? a co-host a financial show that helps people get out of debt. That means that when it comes to that core value, every day of his life,

he goes to work trying to get people to borrow more money. And that means that the core value, every day I go to work, I'm hoping his business fails. And every day he goes to work, he's hoping my business fails. And he's one of my best friends on the planet.

Right? So it doesn't mean I'm not going to mean a relationship, it doesn't mean I'm not going to love you. But it means we don't agree on everything. Great. but if his front door is open like it was two days ago when I was in another state

I walked right through it and he welcomed me with open arms and his awesome wife did too and my son who they haven't seen in a couple years I wanted them to see my son what a cool kid he's growing into what a great young man he's turning into

because they were a part of his life when he was really little and so our disagreement on a shared value sure didn't stop me from walking in there wide open door and sure didn't stop them from opening that way door for me. You know what I'm saying?

Wow. Yeah, those are the best kinds of relationships in my experience where you can look at each other and say, we disagree on this, but come on in. I mean, that's exactly who I want to be. Yeah. And it would have been awesome if your dad set you down as a 35-year-old and he's 65 or however old he is. And he said, hey, I need you to know, I happen to read scripture in this way. and I think that what you're doing is not wise or isn't right even but you're my son and I'll stand here with you I've spoken my peace and now I'm a stand here that would be that would be awesome and the grief is it's not how it played out and I hate that for you I hate that for your parents for God's sake mm-hmm we sitting there on their couch scrolling their phones

while their son's life is transforming. And they're choosing right over a relationship. Good for you. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then your work that you got to do is you got to have people in your corner that are 10, 20, 30 years down the road from you.

Especially as a guy who other people come to counsel. That means you especially need wise counsel. Yeah, I found so much comfort in the past seven, eight months in family that I've chosen, friends that I've chosen versus my own family. So it's a strange transition, but I'm grateful I have people in my life. I don't feel like I'm alone or floundering. That's right. But, yeah.

And there's still going to be a hole there. And it's not tough or cool just to blow over it or to pretend it's not there. It's not there. It stinks. It's the worst. Yeah. So yeah, this is your. Independence Day, brother. This is like the freedom day. I want you to spend some time developing your core values. And I take back what I said earlier. I want you and your fiancé to do it before you get married. Who are we going to be? What are our core values as husband and wife going to be? In terms of hospitality, in terms of loving and service and caring and commitment, like all those things. Who are we going to be to each other? Who are going to be as a united front to the rest of the world? If we do have kids, again, I'm biased. You should have 50 of them. Like, who are we going to be going to be to?

to be to them, to their friends. Let's do that hard work. Yeah, absolutely. You're right. I'll do it. And I'll tell you, I'm a big fan of marriage. I'm happy for you, brother. Congratulations.

Hope this is a time of incredible celebration. Joy, laughter, dancing, silliness, fun. I hope you all build an amazing life together. Thank you. I'm excited. Yes. All right, hang on the line here. I'm going to hook you up with the Together app.

That's going to be my wedding gift for you. I'll give it to you for a year. Help you and your new wife get started on the right foot. With some daily micro habits, some daily action steps you all can take together towards each other to build an amazing marriage. Thanks for a call, brother. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your special. They don't see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges.

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Alex. Alex. How's the IBS situation? Under control today. Can't confirm. Can confirm. I saw you back there eating a blooming onion, though. My bad.

Not really. I would never eat a blooming onion. Even if I could eat onions. I wouldn't either. Not a fan. So people didn't like me giving you a hard time about your onion sensitivity?

Apparently not. I'm okay, guys. I'm okay. I'm not offended. I appreciate the support, though. The internet people came out full support of Alex and his onion sensitivity.

I'm trying to imagine 150 years ago if your dad was an onion farmer and you were like, Dad, I can't do it. At that point, it's natural selection. I'd probably just die.

Man, that got kind of dark. See, that's what... I wish, here's my dream. My dream for the Internet's is that if people see an exchange, like me giving him a buddy, Alex, a hard time. Their first thought would be, man, that's awesome that they are good buddies.

Not that you're in some sort of abusive work situation. and I'm this tyrant podcasting YouTuber. Well, okay. All right, hey, listen, if you're still listening, I created something called the weekly rundown. This is a step by step, play by play, PDF. It's as simple as can be for you and your spouse to do a weekly check-in together about what's coming up this week.

It's a version of what me and my wife do. We've been doing it so long. We don't have a list that we go by anymore. It's just kind of innate. But this is a step-by-step guide. It's for free. Click the link in the show notes, and we will ship it over to you.

It's a weekly rundown playbook for you and your spouse to get on the same page and build an awesome marriage. Love you guys. Thanks. Stay in school, do drugs. Bye.