The Dr. John Delony Show - Can a Liberal and a Conservative Fall In Love?

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm in a relationship where we don't agree about anything, can we make it? My parents don't approve of my sister's boyfriend and I'm caught in the middle My stepson is being released from rehab and I need to set boundaries Lyrics of the day: "Dear Marie" - John Mayer   tags: disagreement, parenting, boundaries   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. On today's show, a conservative and a liberal fall in love. Now what? A sister is caught between her sister and her sister's boyfriend and mom and dad and nobody approves of anybody. And we're talking about setting boundaries with a son who just got out of rehab. Stay tuned. Hey, what is up? I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're talking about your life, your relationships, your relational IQ, your mental health, that annoying neighbor that drives you crazy,

borrows your crap and doesn't return it. We're talking about everything. Everything. And listen, if you even walk by a television, you see that the world's literally burning down around us. Here's the deal. It's not. It's not. Smoke sells, right? Fire sells. literally burning down around us. Here's the deal. It's not. It's not. Smoke sells, right? Fire sells.

Actually, I did hear that there's places in the country that are actually on fire right now. So those places are burning down. But most of the things are not. It just feels like it is. And I want to hear from you. I want to hear what you think is on fire, what's hurting in your heart, what's hurting in your home. And I want to help everybody make the next good decision to think through what's going on in their heart and minds.

So give me a call. 1-844-693-3291. That is 1-844-693-3291. This is a caller-driven show. It's about you. It's for you driven show it's about you it's for you and it's by you real calls real conversations

with real people with real pain and so this show is for you again that's 1-844-693-3291 or you can email me at askjohn at ramsay solutions.com, and you can leave your name, your number, tell me what's going on, and we will reach out and get in touch with you and see if we

can connect to have you on the show. So I'm excited. We got a whole slate of calls today. Let's go straight to the phones. Let's go to Lynn in Topeka, Kansas. Lynn, good morning. How in the world are you? Hi, Dr. Milini. I'm good. Lynn in Topeka, Kansas. Lynn, good morning. How in the world are you? Hi, Dr. Melanie. I'm good.

Thank you so much for calling. Oh, you're welcome. I wanted to get your insight on how I can set up my relationship for success when we have conflicting opinions. I'm in a dating relationship of about seven months and it's getting serious. But we disagree on almost all political and even almost COVID-like issues. So what is, you said that awesome. So it's getting serious and we disagree on everything. So when you say serious, what does that mean? We agree on our faith. Oh, so you agree on faith.

Yes. And what faith is that? We're both Christian faith. Oh, so you agree on faith. Yes. And what faith is that? We're both Christian. Okay, you're both Christian. So you love Christian. So serious means you've gone from holding hands like this to now you're lacing fingers. Is that where we're at now? Like it's crossing over, right?

Well, we're older. I guess we're 35. He's 45. Oh, okay. So I think we're just in a place in life where? Well, we're older. Ah, okay. I guess we're 35. He's 45. Oh, okay. So I think we're just in a place in life where we know what we want now. Okay. So is this first, if y'all got married, would this be first marriages for both of you? It would.

Okay. All right. So you're getting serious. You know what you both want. You think he's pretty good looking. He thinks you're hot stuff, enough to keep around for seven months, right? You both are Christians, so you have the religious thing down. You just disagree on everything else and COVID. Walk me through what that is like. Well, you know, it comes up in ways you don't think but like even

we disagree on immigration and i made a friend who is undocumented and i was unsure about how to tell him about that because i know he doesn't see that the same way i do or guns he owns a gun i wouldn't want a gun in my house. We need to compromise on that somehow. On COVID, we both don't want to go to church, but he doesn't want to for his own convenience of not wearing a mask, whereas I want to protect my family. It's just we see things differently. experiencing something that hundreds of millions of people across the world are experiencing, which is the pressure of COVID is helping squish out disagreements and helping really magnify cracks in relationships, right? So, when you've seen some of these things pop out, things like immigration, guns, I'm just going to guess here. You got immigration and guns and masks.

So I'm going to assume that climate change is a thing. LGBT rights is a thing. Whatever, who we're voting for are all those things too. It's all this big pile of shenanigans. Okay, so what do you want to do? Do you want to marry this guy or no? I, I want to work it out.

Yeah. I want to, I want to be able to respect him, but I feel like sometimes I just need him to make decisions. I can understand with facts we agree on. But sometimes we don't even agree on the facts, you know. And that makes it harder for me to respect his opinion. Okay.

So when you – so let me put this out there, and then we can kind of walk through a little bit. So there's this idea of values versus beliefs. And I had this epiphany a few weeks ago, and it's really kind of wormed its way through my head down into my heart. And here's the idea. Values are these unflinchable things, right? And values are, I treat people with dignity and respect. I don't steal. I love everybody. And I take those three things and then I have these different beliefs, which means that may inform how I see immigration, right? Here's an easier one. And I work here with Dave Ramsey and here's an example of something that happens to us in real time on the Dave Ramsey Show.

Dave and I share values that we both love people deeply, and we both share this idea that we want people to be treated with dignity. And we both want to respect people, and we want to help people. Those are values we share. And then somebody calls and they say, hey, I just took out a giant loan of a bajillion dollars for a depreciating car. And my husband's mad. And so Dave may feel like the best way to help them is to get loud and to do a classic Dave Ramsey rant and be like, what are you doing? And my default setting, my way of thinking I'm going to help them, my belief is I'm going to get quiet and be like, hey, look, dude, what are you doing? We have the same values with different beliefs. And what you and your husband, whoa, I screwed that one up. You and your hot stuff, seven-month

fiance, dating, relationship, whatever you want to call them, you have to decide, are your values the same? And is that okay with different beliefs? So here's the deal. I've been with the same woman for 20 something years, dating and married. We've got very different beliefs on some core issues, but we share similar values. My concern with what you have presented so far is you have stated, I don't know if I respect him, which tells me there's a value issue. And it sounds conversely, he doesn't listen to me because he gets hotheaded and he gets all up in his feelings and doesn't look at data, doesn't look at facts, gets fired up, and I don't feel respected. So am I on to something there?

You know, I would say it's probably like an 80-20. You know, like 80% of the time he listens and it's really good. Sometimes he just brings you know, his feelings and that kind of ends the conversation because you can't argue with someone's feelings there. You have to respect

those feelings and so if that's how you feel you know, that's, I understand that and i accept that and um so the big question is do you a accept that and b will you accept that 10 years from now or 20 years from now yeah or to just to distill it down into a very visceral real moment you have a good friend who's a good human being. He's got a great soul and they're undocumented. And that person comes to you and says, hey, listen, I just got evicted from my apartment. I need a place to stay. And your Christian faith says, come to my house. I've got a bed for you. And you're married to a Christian guy who says, my Christian faith says, I will not have someone who is violating the laws of the land or whatever his rationale for it is, and they're not welcome in my house.

That's the conversation you need to have. That's good. Because you're going to have – you are making these things about ideas, and again, values are very tangible. Beliefs come and go. I've been an educator for my whole professional life. I hope over time my beliefs evolve and change. That's why I read books. That's why I've got friends. Listen, Lynn, I've got friends who make Bernie Sanders look a little bit right of center. They are so far over the left. I mean, it's comical. And I've got friends

on the right that even Trump would be like, whoa, guys, let's rein it in, right? So I surround myself with people who see the world differently than me. One, because I just love folks. But two, I'm always looking for ways I can shape and mold and move my beliefs around. And so that's why I read books. That's why I don't consume a ton of media. But that's the goal, right? And if you have somebody whose values are, here's the ever-ending truth. There is a period at the end

of all of life sentences, and I don't have any interest in changing my beliefs. That's something you're going to have to manage and challenge yourself with and deal with. But I'll tell you this, this won't go away. This will just manifest itself in one of you taking a dive, being silent, being quiet. Or this is going to be an extraordinary opportunity for you and this guy who you've been with for seven months and you think, I'm kind of leaning heavier and heavier into this one being our forever relationship. This could be a remarkable moment for you two to sit down and go through, what are our values? How do I talk to you when you have stayed a feeling? I feel that climate change isn't real. And you say, yeah, but the data says this. How do you want me to respond to you, handsome, handsome man of mine, and let him talk to you?

Because it may be a moment of vulnerability. His feelings may be a moment of him saying, I don't know what I believe. I don't want that to be true. So I'm just going to feel angry about it. I'm just going to feel frustrated about it. Or how do you lean in when you say, I just feel like this person needs to come over to our house. And he says, yeah, but the facts are it's against the law. How do you want him to respond to your feelings, right? This could be a great moment for clarity, for really digging into who you are as a couple. And I want to leave this one little nugget. There is some data, some neuroscience that suggests that how we feel about topics and people and circumstances influences how we feel facts. I mean, I'm sorry, how we hear facts, how we hear data. and frustrating, and kind of frightening is if you are super conservative, let's say you are

super conservative, and you hear data, here is one plus one equals two on a more liberal cause, it can actually reinforce your conservative values. And you flip the whole thing over, right? If you are uber left wing, you are so far left, you're almost making a complete loop around. And somebody says, hey, here's just some facts about how economics works. Here's some facts about we need to pay our bills and not have debt. It can actually reinforce that. So this whole idea that feelings don't matter, only the facts, that's not actually a fact. The fact is that your feelings influences how you hear facts,

and facts influence your feelings. It's reciprocal. They work together. And so in a relationship, in a community, in a country, the starting point is not, I've got more feelings and I'm angry, or I've got more facts and I'm right. It's really sitting down and saying, I feel vulnerable.

I feel out of control. Here's the way I'm feeling this. Here's how I'm seeing this. What are you seeing? And then someone can say, I'm looking at the same data and I'm seeing it this way. I have these feelings and I'm feeling this way.

And if we can start there, you can slowly start to come together on, okay, what are our shared values? Our beliefs are going to move and mold and shift and go with the wind. What are our core values? And from there, if you share values, there's very little that you can't do as a couple. There just isn't. There's just very little you can't overcome as a community, very little you can't overcome as a country. I recommend go out to lunch, go out to breakfast, sit down and talk about values,

sit down and talk about how you're vulnerable with one another, sit down and talk about how do you want each other to process feelings, and then see if he's the guy for you. See if he's the guy for you. If you choose that he is, if you decide that he is, or if you decide that he's not, call me back, Lynn. Now I'm all invested in this deal.

I've got a picture of what he looks like in my head, and I would love to see that wedding photo someday if you choose to pull the trigger on it. So thank you so much for the call. Let's go out to Leah in Tallahassee, Florida. Leah, how in the world are you? I am good, Dr. D. Thanks for being on the team this year.

We have all needed it. Thank you so much. I'm grateful for you. So how can I help? Well, my sister is dating someone who my parents and I see as not being equally yoked regarding some of their values, actually. And I'm just having some trouble being caught in the middle of it. So explain to me what caught in the middle looks like. Both parties calling and complaining about each other. And I agree with where my parents are at, and I don't necessarily

agree with where my sister is coming from. So I'm just having some difficulties with loving them both and not being caught in the middle, not being that person that they are calling and complaining to. Yeah. So this is a classic, classic relational triangulation is what they call it in nerd school. And you have become the point of tension release for your parents, leaning against your sister and vice versa. And so the first and most important thing is to honor everybody is to get out of your triangle triangulated position back out.

Okay. If you allow yourself to be triangulated by your parents and your sister, then what's going to happen is you're going to end up burning the whole system to the ground, or you're going to be the flashpoint by which they burn the whole system to the ground. So the best way to step out of this is this. Number one, tell your parents, hey, listen, I love my sister. I've heard you guys. I don't want y'all to talk bad about my sister anymore. And I know that's a challenging, hard conversation. How old are you, by the way? I am 32.

Yeah, there you go. So you're an adult. You're a grown woman. This is a grown-up conversation that just says, hey, mom, hey, dad, I can't do it anymore. She's my sister. She's making decisions I don't totally it anymore. She's my sister. She's making decisions that I don't totally agree with, but I can't keep going back and forth between you two. And then you sit down with your sister and have that hard conversation, which is, hey, listen, I can't have you talking bad about mom

and dad anymore. You're making your decisions. You're a grownup. I'm assuming she's a grownup too. Is that right? Yes. Okay. And then you lay your thoughts and opinions down for what they are, and then you love and support your sister. Or I guess you could walk away and abandon your sister, whatever the decision she's making. What are they, by the way? What are these decisions she's making? They're unequally yoked.

I really, really like him. What does unequally yoked mean? Well, he's not a Christian, and she says that she's very strong in her beliefs and her values, but it just seems that it's actually a lot like the call before mine, and I just see this being a struggle for them in their marriage, especially if they bring kids into the picture, if they're not on the same page with religion and politics and all of the above. And it's very difficult when my family believes very strongly about some of these things. So, my hard question for you, Leah, is this. Why do you get a vote into how your sister chooses to live out her faith that she says

she has and live out her loving relationship, which she says she's going to do? Because it sounds like you're putting a lot of heat and a lot of, she's not thinking this through. She's going to end up like this. She's going to have these challenges down the road. And that sounds like you're bringing your baggage to that situation. Well, I've seen how it's worked out

in other family situations and the hurt that, yeah, it is, you know, her relationship, but inevitably it does affect other family members, especially when kids become involved. So I just, I just don't want that hurt for her and for her future. And the suckiest part about being in a relationship with somebody is they can only make that decision for themselves, not you. Right. And at this point, you have two choices.

You can speak your heart and mind and then say, I'll love you and support you. Or you can say, I don't approve of your decisions, plural, and I'm out. I'm not talking to you anymore. I'm breaking up with you as your sister. And I'll tell you, I've seen both of sides of those. And one of those is a treacherous, ugly, gut-wrenching decision that takes generations to unwind. And the other is frustrating and annoying, but people end up getting closer and closer over the long term. At the end of the day, here's the deal. Your sister has to make these decisions. And if she marries somebody who doesn't share the same faith as her,

will that be hard? Maybe. Values-wise, yeah, they're going to have to have some hard values conversations. I've also seen folks who say, I'm Christian, you're Christian, we both love Jesus, and they get married and they never have the values conversation, just like the previous caller, right? And loving Jesus means something totally different to one than it does to the other. And so, sometimes the shared religion helps bypass a conversation about values that people should have had a long time ago. And so it may be that your sister enters into a relationship that they have to have really hard, direct conversations about what values looks like and beliefs are. And here's how we're going to raise our kids. We are going to go to church. We are going to do these things. And at the end of

the day, it's her decision and her and her future husband's decision to make. The challenge then becomes, are your parents going to let those kids come to Thanksgiving? Are you going to be cool Aunt Leah who's going to have the kids over just because their dad's not a Christian? That's the conversation you're going to have to make less about them and their kids. Now, hear me say this. I don't want for one second to doubt your heart in this deal. My guess is you really love your sister, and you really want her to be loving and whole and have a great life.

But my guess here also, and tell me if I'm wrong, is that you, are you married now? I am. I'm married and I have a toddler. Okay. So my guess, my other guess is you have this picture of this future Thanksgiving dinner, this future Christmas, this future birthday party that this guy and his values and beliefs, or let's just say his beliefs, don't fit into that picture. And suddenly you're having to grieve this future fantasy, for lack of better words,

this future picture that you had for your family because your sister's making different decisions. Well, it's not so much hurtful for me as like that's more so how my parents feel. And those arguments that start to happen, you know, when it's my son's birthday party, it's like, guys, can't we get along and not have these arguments? And that's where you as a mom have to,

that's exactly right. What you just did, you have to draw the boundary. That's your job, which is, hey guys, if y'all are going to come to my house during my kid's birthday party and fight, you're not going to be welcome here. And those are really hard conversations between adult kids and their parents, but that's your job as your child's mom, right? That's where you draw the line and say, we're not going to have this conversation. Everybody in the family is welcome at my house, including my sister and her husband and whatever kids are going to have. That's on you to draw those boundaries, not your parents.

And quite honestly, they don't get a vote. They don't get a vote. And I know that sounds so harsh and hard, but they don't. Oh, it's so hard. Yeah, it is. So my recommendation to you is this. I recommend that you call your mom and dad and say, hey, I want to have a future talk about sister. And don't do it on the phone. They're going to feel caught off guard and people get caught off guard. They go

with their first gut instinct, which is often not a smart thing. They say things that they can't get back, et cetera. Say next Saturday, I want to have a phone call with you and dad to talk about sister and her fiance. And in that conversation, you tell your mom and dad, guys, I'm done talking about this. I know how you feel. I know this idea of unequally yoked. I know there's Bible verses that say believers should marry non-believers, and I get where y'all are coming from. But that's my sister, and she knows how we all feel, and she says she's going to marry this guy, and she's going to have a family with this guy, and I'm going to love my sister. And so from this point forward, mom and dad, I am not a place for you to talk bad about my sister anymore. And there may be some silence there. There may be some awkwardness there. There may be some, well, I can't believe what you, whatever. My guess is over time, they will respect you

deeply for drawing that boundary. And if nothing else, you will respect you for drawing that boundary. And then have a similar conversation with your sister, which is this. Mom and dad have religious beliefs, have faith beliefs that tell them what you're doing isn't smart and wise for your heart. It's not smart and wise for your family and for our family. You believe differently. I love you, but I also am tired of talking about mom and dad. I'm tired of rolling our eyes about mom and dad. I'm tired of beating up mom and dad. So we're done with that. I will talk to you about you

and your future husband. I will talk to you about my beautiful little toddler, your niece or nephew. We can talk about our knuckleheaded husbands or our great husband, whatever, but we're not talking about mom and dad anymore. Draw the line, draw the boundary, because here's the deal. At the end of the day, that's all you can control. Leah, that's the only thing you can do is control your thoughts and your actions. And if you do have this attitude of frustration, of judgment, of my sister's making the worst mistake of her life. She might be, but they're her decisions to make. They're her frustrating things to make. And all you can control is your boundaries. My hope is, my hope is, is that you'll be honest, you'll be

upfront and you'll be clear. But at the end of the day, your default setting will be one of inclusivity and love. That's my hope. That's my prayer. Go get them, Leah. Go get them. All right, let's go right back to the calls. Let's take Robin from Atlanta, Georgia. Robin, how in the world are you? Hey, John. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling, Robin. Yeah, I'm excited about your new show. Hey, thank you so much. Thanks for being on it.

Yeah, sure. I have a stepson. Now, I just got married two weeks ago, but I was dating his father for three years. And two weeks prior to us getting married, he was admitted to a treatment center for 30 days for opioid addiction. And the rehab center has not contacted, you know, my husband about what to do when he gets out this Sunday. And, you know, setting guidelines. He has a history of drug abuse. He has actually stolen pills from me after I had surgery, major surgery. And then my husband had major surgery. I actually caught him stealing them. And we confronted him. He denied it.

And then he came back and, you know, did say, yes, I did take them. I've had this addiction since he had had, like, hand surgery when he was, and, you know, did say, yes, I did take them. I've had this addiction since he had had like hand surgery when he was like 16. Sure. So, so you've got a, I guess a new son-in-law for lack of better terms, who's an adult, I'm assuming. Yeah. A stepson who is, you know, he just turned 21. He still lives with his mother. Okay. And so what's your question for me? How can I help? My question is, how do we draw boundaries? Because I would have thought that the rehab center would have contacted the parents and say, okay, this is what he needs to do when he gets out.

No, not for an adult kid. No way. Really? No, not for an adult kid. Okay. That's not going to happen. He's a grown man. He's a grown man. He's a grown man.

And as far as the courts are concerned, as far as his therapists are concerned or his rehab folks, they would never call a brand new stepmom ever. Well, not me. Not me. His father or his mother, yeah. I mean, I know it's not my deal at all, but, you know, I care for him, and I just want, you know, I keep telling my husband, hey, y'all need to come up with some boundaries, like requirements. If he's, you know, he's on his dad's insurance plan, he's on his dad's car insurance, which he is pulling him off of that because he was probably driving while, you know, under the influence of drugs. And that could affect, you know, my husband, you know, and his liability as far as, you know, it being in his name. But as far as boundaries, like, hey, you need to, you know, go to outpatient, you know, counseling. You need to have drug tests every week or, you know, however. And I just need to know how to, you know, help my husband decide what kind of boundaries to set.

Or do we just act like it's normal that he's been in treatment for 30 days? No. In fact, you nailed it. You, when he gets out, you have a welcome home, like a welcome out celebration. You take him out to breakfast or to lunch and you tell him that he's loved and you're excited that he's back. And then you tell him that you're rooting for him and you're cheering for him. And then you set a date for a couple of days later, two days, three days later, and you say, we're going to have a boundaries conversation because you're out and we want to be a part of your life moving forward. And a part of being in you being

a part of our life moving forward is you're going to have to get your own car insurance. You're going to have to have your own place to live. You're going to have to pay your way. If you steal from us, we're going to call the police. It's just, it's just like you laid it out. What it sounds like is your husband's nervous about making that, those boundaries, about drawing those lines, about really wrapping things up. And that can be from guilt. That can be from goodness. Who knows, man? It can be from frustration. It can be from annoyance at his first wife. Who knows where the challenges of drawing boundaries. At the end of the day, just what you just said, take them out and draw

the boundaries. That means that you and your husband, your new husband are going to have to also go have your own conversation about what those boundaries are going to be. What are they going to look like? What are they going to sound like? What are, are we going to hold them to it? And are we going to hold them accountable if he violates those boundaries? What happens when you come home and he's in your living room? After you told him he's got to call you, what happens when he quote unquote borrows some money? Or what happens when he comes home and he is all in on getting well, totally invested, kicking butt, working hard. Are you going to be able to forgive him? Are you going to be able to love him? Are you going to be able to love him? Are you going

to be able to let him go to his mom's house where you don't like the way things are handled over there and come back to your house? You and your husband are going to have to deal with your heart on this deal and really come up with some clear boundaries for you guys before you start putting boundaries on somebody else. That's my thought on that one. I appreciate your call, Robin. So as we wrap up the show today We're going to go to the lyric of the day The song lyric of the day And this is from a 2013 record

You know There's a lot of records made in 2013 There's been a lot of records made, I don't know In the past couple hundred years And when I think back What are the best records ever made One kind of emerges to the top and it's the 2013 record by John Mayer called Paradise Valley. And on that record,

John Mayer writes an extraordinary song called Dear Marie. Here's the lyric of the day. Dear Marie, tell me what it was I used to be. Oh, dear Marie, tell me what it was I used to be. Oh, dear Marie, tell me what it was I used to be. And if you're further up the road, can you show me what I still can't see? Remember me? I'm the boy you used to love when you were 15. And now I wonder what you think when you see me in a magazine. Dear Marie, tell me, do you still believe in me? Because I got my dream, but you got a family. Yeah, I got that dream, but I guess it got away from me.

Whew! John Mayer, this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thank you.