The Dr. John Delony Show - Can a Relationship Survive Without Physical Attraction

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A woman struggling with attraction after rekindling things with her ex -       A mom wondering how to prepare her teenager for grief -       A man who has a hard time controlling his emotions in life and work Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of Therapy at Better Help!   3 Free Months of Hallow  25% Off Thorne Orders  15% off the Apollo Wearables Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle!  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY Next Steps 📞 Ask John a Question!  click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭John's Free Guided Meditation ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Is attraction or like sexual attraction necessary for a relationship to work? So I was with my ex for about a year and a half. We broke up last year around February. And we've still been kind of in each other's lives. How often have y'all hooked up in the interim? A lot. Okay.

So y'all didn't break up. Yo, yo, yo, yo. What's up? This is John. I'm the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're with us. So glad you're with us. It is an extraordinary Monday morning

wherever I'm recording this. I don't know what day you're going to get it. Looks like you're going to get it on a Friday, but I'm recording this on a Monday and it is beautiful outside here in Nashville. And I started changing the way I eat a few days ago and I feel amazing. And can I just say this, Kelly? I just had like this big spiritual moment. Like I need to get, I need to change the way I'm the food I'm putting in my body.

And during the season, especially, um, have not been a good steward of the old machine. My, sorry, what prompted that? Oh,

I was just feeling like a box of farts. I just wasn't feeling good. And probably surrounding me smelled like a box. I would like the world to know. I regret asking that question right now. I just felt awful. I was starting to doom spiral a little bit. Just old habits, and it happens sometimes. And anyway, man, it's been transcendent.

And on Friday, our team, not this team, but the management team, they decided to throw a gummy candy party. And I just had to stare and watch. But I didn't participate. Not that that's a goal or a win. Like, what? But man, if I can't trust myself, then who can I trust? Hey, on this show, we talk about your emotional and mental health And my eating habits

And how wonderful Kelly is If you want to be on the show, we talk about We talk about that a lot on this show? That was the first time 550 episodes and we're there Oh, so we're going to start talking about it There we go Yes, exactly

In celebration of your V-neck today, we're going for it. We're just going to celebrate how wonderful you happen to be. Usually, Kelly's a turtleneck kind of gal, and she went full V-neck today. I despise turtlenecks. You sure wear them a lot. No, I never wear them. I hate them. It's like being slowly strangled by a weak person all day long. Hate them. Mitch Hedberg, nice. Hate a turd in the neck. We talk about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your parents and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life.

And we try to have a lot of fun too. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. And let's get to the calls because that's why you're actually here. Let's go to Las Vegas and talk to Ariana. Hey, Ariana, what's up, lady? Hi, how are you, Dr. John?

I'm good, and you? Great. Awesome. What's up? How can I help? So I have a pretty general question. So my question, I'll give you some context after, is attraction or like sexual attraction necessary for a relationship to work? So I was with my ex

for about a year and a half. We broke up last year around February and we've still been kind of in each other's lives since then. So like for a year we've been friends or tried making things work and then went back to friends. How often have y'all hooked up in the interim? A lot. So y'all didn't break up? Technically. You didn't break up? We like dated other people.

Okay. So y'all opened the relationship up, but y'all haven't broken up. I mean, you haven't broken up. Okay like months we did go like a couple weeks or like a month or two without talking and then we'd like hang out again so that made you a modern married couple but y'all didn't break up all right nothing marriage i want so what yeah exactly what what um one of y'all did something. What was it? Um, so before we had, we were actually friends before we had dated. Um, and before we dated, he kind of led me to believe that he was more financially well off than he was. Um, so we ended up dating and living together. Um, I did not know that he had a gambling issue.

So we had like a lot of financial hardships during our relationship, like almost got evicted kind of thing. And then one time, like we would solve things. And then one time I had been like cocktailing for like a month and he took all my money without knowing and gambled it. And that was what ended our relationship. Oh, he took all my money without knowing and gambled it. And that was what ended our relationship. He took it without knowing or he took it without you knowing?

Without telling me. Okay. So is your question, so when it comes to, you said sexual attraction, is it necessary for a romantic relationship? Yeah. So that like now he's like better doesn't gamble anymore and is like doing in the financial aspect as far as i know

better that's it that's it that's it that's all that matters right there what you just said that's it sexual attractiveness this is this is kind of a this is just the way we say it in the counseling world the three b Bs, right? Biceps, boobs, and butts, right? It's way more than that. Sexual attraction involves agreeableness. It involves character. It involves safety.

You have to be able to trust somebody implicitly so you can fully be vulnerable with somebody in an intimate relationship. And you don't trust this dude as far as you can fully be vulnerable with somebody in an intimate relationship. And you don't trust this dude as far as you can see him. Yeah. And so what you're starting to do is you're starting to resent yourself because you continue to hook up with the person that you're not interested in, that you don't trust, you don't feel safe with.

And, um, you're, you're moving that resentment from yourself to him. Tell me if I'm right or wrong. I do agree. And I've tried ending things with him and every time you haven't, you can, you can, you're scared to be alone. Why are you scared to be alone? I feel like I'm scared to be without him. Why? I feel like I'm okay to be alone. Why are you scared to be alone? I feel like I'm scared to be without him. Why? I feel like I'm okay to be alone. No, no, no. You're scared to be with him. Yeah.

You've trapped yourself. Why are you scared to be without him? I don't know. And I think like, so like dating in Vegas is just horrendous. And every time I've like gone through a bad experience dating someone, I do go back to him. Mainly because like, I do feel like he really cares about me and he really loves me and would do like anything for me. That means, hold on. Whoa.

That means you're using him as a Xanax and that's not fair. Yeah. The same level of lack of the same lack of integrity he showed by stealing from you, you're now showing by using him as a home base until he does a thing that he always does. You go, and then you run into the arms of somebody else in Vegas. And then you repeat,

and then you repeat, and then you repeat. And the narrative that you continue to tell is that he's the bad guy he's not attractive he's not you to quote the old movie poster you're just not that into him but here's the deal you are becoming and he's not on the phone so i can't talk to him sounds like actually he's gone done the work yeah and you you're the problem it's you to quote the great t swift right yeah no i do agree like i i completely know he's done so much work on himself um what's he still doing with you why is he still with you? And I'm just, I don't know why I just don't necessarily,

like I love being with him. Like me and him, like our best friends in that way, but I don't like hooking up with him. Like I don't like, and he knows I've told him that. Then stop, then stop. You've told him that, but you've heard me say it a thousand times on this show, behavior is a language.

Yeah. And you tell him that and you go do it. You tell him that and you go do it me say it a thousand times on this show, behavior is a language. Yeah. And you tell him that and you go do it. You tell him that and you go do it. Have some more self-respect in that. And treat him with more respect than that. Yeah. Fair? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, he deserves it. Yeah, and you do too. You played house for a year. And the illusion of it was fun. And you were married to someone who was sick, who was struggling. And you also didn't tell the truth. What do you mean? Sorry. He thought he was working towards something. Yeah. And you knew early on, but you went along with the charade anyway. What is it about, was home growing up tough? No, I mean, my dad's not in my life.

But it wasn't necessarily tough. Hold on. I'm smiling with you. This is when I would pass the nachos. No, it's great. It's great. My dad abandoned me, completely left. I don't know who he I would pass the nachos. No, it's great. It's great. My dad abandoned me completely left. I don't know who he is or where he is, but yeah, it was awesome. I mean, my mom's amazing.

Of course she is. And here's the deal. Sometimes the need to play house and have that fulfilled is so strong. That need for like, if I just had this, if I just had a home, if I just had a partner, if I just had this structure, then everything would be okay. And that's how hearts are broken. then everything would be okay. And that's how hearts are broken, that's how people lose their minds,

I mean their souls financially, that's how people lose their souls, like in spirit. They just begin to do things and become things and become people that they don't respect in and of themselves and other people. And that's how kids get born accidentally and all of a sudden it's like hitting the whole cycle starts over again. Yeah.

And so the, the illusion of if I just had these two people, the ghost you're chasing is dad, what was so bad about me? Yeah. Right? Probably. No, I'm right.

I rarely say it like that, I'm right. But here's the thing. Instead of answering that question, which is a brutal, hard, scary question to answer, because ultimately what was wrong with you, nothing. Nothing. You're an amazing little girl. For whatever reason, your dad bailed on you. So the problem was with him. And if there's a problem with him, half of you is him. And that means, wait, am I not perfect? You're not. None of us are. But until you go down that road and answer that question and heal from, I'm not carrying my dad's bricks anymore. You're going to continue to create, whether it's work,

whether it's chasing money, whether it's chasing sex, whether it's chasing this illusion of a home, you're going to chase and chase and chase and chase and chase to try to give yourself that stability and you're never going to find it. You're never going to find it. So to answer your question, ultimately, is sexual attraction important? Absolutely. Sexual attraction is made up of a cocktail of characteristics that is more than just physical attraction. Anyone who tells you physical attraction is not important is lying to you. They're trying to sell you something, run the other way. It absolutely is important. And the studies show that it's important to both men and women. They're attracted to different things and for different reasons, but it is important. And physical attraction is different for everybody. You take 10 guys, 10 women, they're going to say different things. Some of them are going to be consistent, but some of them

are going to say different things. That's okay. But also you have to feel safe. And someone has to be a person of character. And someone has to be reliable. And they also have to be a little, you know, yeah, I'll give that a whirl. Right. They got to have some spontaneity and some deviousness. I mean, that's all that is bound up in desire and attraction. Eros.

All of it. And at the end of the day, if you're using somebody because they feel safe, you're still using them. Sorry, Ariana. I wish I had better news for you, sweetheart. I wish I did. I wish I did. I wish I did. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of On Your Past, Change Your Future.

And I want you to begin to trace back those stories that you heard growing up, that some people told you, and ultimately have become the stories you tell yourself. I'm going to start pulling the strings on those and begin to heal. Thank you for your call, sweetheart. Call any time. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow.

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How's it going, John? I'm good, brother. Good to hear your voice. How are you? It's good to hear yours. What's up? Doing well. So my question is something that I'm trying to work through, and I hope it can be good for you and the listeners too. So I'm just looking for tools on how to better show empathy, um, without getting choked up. Why in the world would that be a goal? So, so I've got a lot of, uh, a lot of chances in my life where I'm working with people in deep hurt as a chaplain assistant in the Army. And then just with friends and family, too. And I tend to be very, very emotional. my, my empathy is coming across in a way that it's, it's giving people a disarming good sense that they can open up with their

emotions. And I just want to make sure that, so sometimes I hold myself back from crying. But then I can tend to be kind of apathetic where if I shut down my emotions, I don't feel like I'm really being effective at being present in the, in that interaction. So I've noticed on your show at times you can catch yourself when you get choked up. And I was just wondering kind of, what are some of the tools that you use to figure out in that situation?

Is it helpful for me to show emotion or should I hold it back to an extent? That's a great, great question. So before I answer it, I want to differentiate for folks. You know what? I'm not going to. You can figure it out on your own

and people can figure it out on their own. Here's my thoughts on that. Emotions, vulnerability is the only way humans connect with other humans, period. And so if I am sitting with somebody in a situation that I am not playing a solving role, but I'm playing a with role. And again, I don't have any notes on this call, so I'm just, I'm rattling it off in real time. This is how I do this, okay? So for instance, I show up and someone's just been told your kid's got pediatric cancer. I show up and just been told your husband has died of a heart attack or is on life support. I don't have a to-do there. My only role is with, I'm going to be with you. An emotion becomes a powerful way to connect with somebody.

The only time I'm afraid of emotion is if it's so profuse, if it's so heavy and I'm weeping so hard or I'm so like buzzing so bad that the person who's hurting that I'm there to support feels like they got to take care of me. That has happened only twice in my career. And it was when I had a young, my daughter was very, very young. And I went into two situations, um, unprepared. And one of them I knew was coming. The other one, I was kind of, I was like surprised and they were dealing with the death of very small children and talking to their parents. And both times I did my job and then I left and I left my partner, which is a, which is a no, no, but I knew I'm going to, I'm going to cause more problem to the situation I'm going to add. And it became my job to not show up for a

few months into, or I took about a year off of showing up with tiny kids because I had a little kid and I knew my body was highly attuned to the health and safety of a young child. And so, um, other than that, I think tears are amazing. Some of the most holy moments of my life have been sitting with people when I'm hurting or I'm experiencing loss, and I look over and they've got tears rolling down their face. Then my body knows I'm safe and I'm not crazy. If I'm called into a situation, like when I was in a university building when an active shooter was loose

and I had students, I called them, they were my students, and this is my responsibility, then it's a totally different ballgame. Or if I'm rolling into a scene and somebody was actively contemplating suicide or somebody was actively cuttingating suicide or somebody was actively cutting and they're bleeding and then it's not time for emotions because I'm trying to solve

a problem in that moment, trying to get them to the care they need right now. And for me personally, I've never had that as my body shuts off pretty good. We got to go to work. In fact, I would say that's one of my superpowers is when things get really bananas, everything slows down and gets real still for me. Some of that's training. Some of that honestly is just disposition. If you find yourself called into some of those roles and your body spins out on you, that's when you ask and you get some additional training or I need to be

honest and say, this may not be the job for me. But when it shows, it comes to showing up, man, I'll take a minute. I'll take a minute. And sometimes I just got to breathe through it because I feel it starting to well up. But if you notice on the show, sometimes the most profound things are what I don't say.

It's when I just get quiet for a few seconds. And on the air, it feels like it's 20 minutes, but it's really three seconds, right? Yeah. So give me a situation that you felt that you blew it because you got too emotional. So I don't want to get too introspective because I've kind of worked through that as far as the social aspect of caring too much what people think of me. So I've worked through that a lot and put my identity in Christ. And so I truly hope that my empathy is that it is out of a loving, like a pure heart,

the right heart posture. So some instances, I mean, it can be, hold on, hold on, hold on. Go back to that.

What do you mean by that? Like if somebody's, if somebody's experienced loss. Yeah. I don't, I mean, I don't know. You have to overthink it.

No, you're allowed to show up and be of support and cry. Yeah. You know what I don't know. You have to overthink it. No. You're allowed to show up and be of support and cry. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yes. Yeah, I agree with you, John. Okay. Yeah, and those more dire instances,

I'm not overthinking it in that instance. I guess some of the instances where I question whether or not it's helpful is when they're just starting to open up. When it's still the surface level, we haven't really gotten past the presenting issue and to the deeper issue. But when they're just starting to open up and I can see the hurt that's in their heart, just what's going on in their life. And they haven't really come to the point that they might trust the situation and they can feel openly. And that's where I think it is helpful. I've had guys that have seen me start to get teary-eyed, and they feel that they can then open up more.

When I was still active duty, I had soldiers that I would do monthly counselings on, just their performance counseling. And often that would turn into them talking about deeper issues in their life. And so, well, you were asking for a specific situation. It's hard to think of one off the top of my head and I don't want to give away too much information. No, that's fair.

Do you think you're not good at this? No, I know that God's gifted me at it. What's the ultimate underlying... I guess the difference between sitting with a veteran and your eyes start glistening and a tear rolls down your face. Yeah. That's a connective tissue. And if somebody is so hardened that they look at that and they're like, I ain't talking to this dude, then they're not ready to talk to anybody. Right?

That's true. Yeah. And there's a difference between what I just, what I just described and somebody says, Hey, I lost a best friend. And then you double over and start sobbing. That means you got your own work to do. Right? Yeah. And those are two radically different things.

Right? One is your, your, your grief is bleeding all over a client or you're bleeding all over somebody in front of you. The other is, no, I'm a dad and a brother too. So one of those is highly connected. The other is you using them to prop you up, right? And also sometimes I'll tell people, hey, somebody comes to me offline,

like a friend of mine, or somebody will call and say, hey, my daughter's very, very sick, or my son is really struggling with X, Y, or Z. And I'll tell them, just so you know, I get choked up about this conversation. And I don't, if I'm not the right person for them

that's great that's okay I'm not connected to the ending there but I need them to know I'm going to show up I'm going to be as direct and open and honest and love you as much as I possibly can and but when I talk about X, Y, and Z I can get pretty choked up

and it's just I'm going to take all the bullets out of the gun before we even start talking. That's good. That puts the focus on the other person in the conversation, and you lay it out on the table, sit with them, and just be present in that moment and don't let anything else interfere with that. Well, and here's the other thing. When you put that vulnerability on the table like that, you're modeling for them. You're teaching them this is okay. So if you lead with what somebody might call a defect,

I would never call it that. I think it's a strength and it's an act of concrete and rebar. It's strength to say, hey, when we start talking about hurting kids, I get choked up. We start talking about lost brothers, I get choked up. We start talking about spouses who cheat on you, I get choked up, just so you know. And you're saying, it's got nothing to do with you, it's me. And I ain't afraid to talk about it. And what you've just given them is a path forward to talk about whatever they need to talk about. That's good.

That makes sense. Yeah. I get a lot of criticism on the show just for making jokes about myself. And I know I go too far. And I know I've got my own, you know, self issues that aren't great. But it can be disarming in a way and give people a path forward. So when somebody calls and says, hey, I'm super nervous, and I'm like, I'm not that good, then everybody goes, ha ha ha, and it kind of just

your shoulders drop, right? Yeah, it brings the human aspect that we struggle with the same thing. That's right. I'm nervous too. Same team. Let's right. I'm nervous too. Same team. Let's figure it out. Let's, let's, let's figure it out. Are those, does that help?

Yeah, it does. Romans 12, 15 says rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Yeah. I think it's extraordinary wisdom. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. I appreciate it, John. You definitely helped kind of tie some stuff together and give license for me to feel that I'm not burdening people by letting them be disarmed and that I'm there with them to weep with them or rejoice with them. You're giving them a gift, my brother. You are giving them a path forward, a picture. So well done, my friend. Well, well done.

Thanks for calling, Noah. I'm glad that you're out there loving people, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard. We'll be right back. Hey, we are back. Before we go to the call, quick call out to everybody listening. The survey for the Dr. John Deloney show is live. And at the end of the day, this show exists for one reason, you. My wife mostly likes me on most days. My kids mostly like me on most days. My dogs always love me. Chickens, I don't know. But I've got my same group of gang, my same friends, right? So the show is not for me. The show is for you. When I started the show, I wanted to show my kids,

hey, your old man got in the ring and at least tried to make the world a little bit of a better place. And if I'm not serving you as a listener, I want to know. Or if you love certain aspects of the show and you want them to stay the same, I want to know. So if you will text the word survey to 33789, that's S-U-R-V-E-Y to 33789, or click eight, nine. That's S U R V E Y to three, three, seven, eight, nine, or click the link in the show notes. Um, if you're listening on podcast or YouTube, fill out that quick survey and listen, I know, I know everybody's surveying everybody to death. You go buy a burrito. They flipped the screen around. Will you tip me $40 for this burrito? And we fill out a survey. No, I just want a burrito. That's it. Totally get it. Totally

get it. Totally get it. And if you'll fill out my survey, I'd be a burrito. That's it. Totally get it. Totally get it. Totally get it. And if you'll fill out my survey, I'd be really grateful. And hit the subscribe button while you're there. That would be dope. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Andrea. Hey, Andrea, what's up, lady? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Thank you for taking my question. I'm nervous, but good. Excellent. Excellent. All right. So what's up how can i help okay so the situation is that my 13 year old daughter's best friend has cancer and his recent scans were not what they hoped for and moving forward his treatments will be palliative okay how long we don't know she's not specific on his mother she is not specific on timing because there's no way to really know at this point have they given him a cap i'm not sure what that means

usually they'll usually they'll say this this doesn't go past 12 months or this doesn't go past right um well they what i know is that they're doing palliative care and they're arranging for hospice. Okay. So it's very quick. Okay. Yikes. Can I take a second? My daughter.

I need a second to exhale. I got a 13-year-old. Okay. And whenever I'm sitting with somebody and I feel it come up, I just need to sit with it for a second. I just try to imagine myself sitting down having that conversation with my 13-year-old son. Man. Okay. So your daughter's best friends with this person? Your son, daughter?

My daughter. Okay. Awesome. So my daughter knows that her friend's death is possible. However, I haven't been too explicit about the seriousness of his particular diagnosis. But at this point, I feel like she can't be blindsided. I'm not really sure how to help prepare her for the grief to come. Okay. Has she not talked about it with her best friend?

Their friendship has revolved around mutually adored video games, texting, and funny memes and such. And it's been a pretty cancer-free zone. They don't really speak about it. But we feel like that's been a good thing for him, especially. Kind of gives him a refuge and a place to be that isn't all about his cancer. Yeah. Um, but since he's in the hospital nearly every day and has no immune system, she doesn't see him in person very often, but they text every day.

Okay. Um, is there a way, um, and it might not be possible. Um, I know that you can get so immunocompromised there at the end. Is there a way that she can see him in person relatively soon? We've been trying to figure out a time, but we

have to be so far away from sicknesses and they have to be open and available. But literally every day he has infusions and treatments and things. So so it's, it's, it's complicated, but we're going to try. Okay. Uh, and the reason I say that is yes, 100%. Um, you need to have that conversation and begin that conversation.

I'll walk you through how to do that. But, um, what I don't want to happen if, if at all possible is that she gets this news and immediately wants to race out and communicate. And the only way they have to communicate is text message. Makes sense. And if you think about it, you know, we've all heard the stats, 70 to 90% of communication is nonverbal.

Right. And part of the healing process is going through the hell process. And the hell process is seeing how somebody is losing weight, is seeing their smile that is faint, but it's not real, but they're faking it and they're trying, but it hurts and it's scary. And skin contact, all those things are part of the healing process. And in the last 20 years, we've just robbed everybody of that because we text everything yeah and what what being in proximity to somebody uh it i won't go into it all i'll bore you but it's important if if nothing else facetime would be really important

would be a cheap next substitute if you can't get there in person um so are you suggesting we broach the subject with them in person? No, no, no, no. I think you should have that conversation long before they meet together in person. Okay. It would be important for her. So the idea of a cancer-free zone or a place where we don't talk about it,

I always let the person who has cancer determine that for me. Yeah, that's how it has been. Okay. She just doesn't bring it up. Well, I do bring it up. I do bring it up. And most often folks who are struggling, like with cancer or something else, won't bring

it up because they have been put in a position to make sure everybody around them is okay. And so they don't bring it up because they don't want to burden other people. And so I'll ask pretty directly, hey, do you want to talk about this? Tell me where you're at. Is it okay to talk about? And they'll say no, but I want them to know

I'm not afraid of this conversation no matter how ugly the ending is because I love you. And you get this weird dance on either side of the fence, like, I don't want to bring it up, but I'm terrified I have no one to talk to. I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to be the person

who's always bringing it up. I'm sure he's sick of talking about it. And then what happens is there's a lot left unsaid. Okay. And so... Your suggestion is to talk about it beforehand and then just have her avoid the subject by texting until she's safe with him? No, so let me walk you through all of it.

So the first thing I would do is to ask, to let her know, hey, we've gotten some tough news. Okay. Have you checked in to see how your friend is doing? I think it's time to ask him directly. How are you feeling? How are you sick? And let him say, or maybe she texts him and say,

Hey, I would love to talk about your cancer. If you're willing to talk about it, give him an invitation. Let him do it. And he can say, Nope, I'm not interested in talking about it.

Cool. And she may come back to you and say, I'm not interested in talking about it cool and she may come back to you and say he don't want to talk about it alright great that's his boundary and that's for him you still have a hard

conversation to talk with your daughter the second one is hopefully he'll say yes and if she's the praying type

like I've been praying for you but thinking about you and I haven't known how to talk about this I just just got to put on table. I got to ask you, how are you? Right. How sick are you? I'm seeing my mom's more concerned. Whatever the, whatever the entry point is, the way they talk about. Okay. Um, and see if he'll, he may do the disclosure. Okay. He may say things have gotten really bad. Okay. Or things have gotten really scary. Hopefully his parents are being honest with him. Some parents are not.

Well, she's pretty open about his journey on social media. So I would be surprised if she wasn't just as open with him. Have you called her? Is she your friend? Um, we've chatted a few times, but only because the kids have gotten together. I think you should call.

Yeah. Yeah. And say, I'm going to ask you a really hard question. Um, just mom to mom, how are you and how are things? And if you don't want to talk about it,

that's okay. Okay. And she may say, I just can't talk about it right now i am overly forward with those conversations and i know that's not easy for everybody i just had the unfortunate privilege of having that conversation too many times um but i like taking the awkwardness off the table. Okay. Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. No. It just buries it. And I just

am heartbroken by how many people feel responsible to make sure all the healthy people in their life are okay. Yeah. And then when it comes

to sitting down with your daughter, I think you sit down and honestly, if I can just speak as boldly as I can, is that okay? Um, I would tell her, um, we've got some really hard news to tell you and we should have done this earlier and I'm sorry, but he's very, very sick. Yeah. I know mom. I, no, no, no no you don't know how sick they're starting to prepare for what the last stages of his life

is going to look like and I would be in a place where you don't break eye contact with her if possible where she sees you cry too where y'all can hold hands or she can bury your face in your chest or in your husband or both.

This will be a visceral, full body experience. And if you try to hide it, if your husband tries to hide that pain, just imagining you're in that same, I mean, in your friend's seat, right? Then your daughter's going to feel crazy. But if she sees this as crushing mom and dad too, you're going to get the feeling like, I got to be strong through this so I can have this hard conversation. Not at all. You need to be as vulnerable as possible. No, I blubber about it anytime.

Exactly. Your kid needs to see you blubber about it. Because that's going to be where y'all connect in the grief. Okay. And I think if there's no way for y'all to see him in person, if he can't do FaceTime or whatever, the next step needs to be, I know you're not ready for this,

but I got some really nice, go to Michael's or go to one of those craft stores, get some really nice thicker paper and say, I want you to write him a letter that we're going to give to him. Yeah. All of that churn inside

of her has to go somewhere. And since they can't be together in person, man, it's got to go somewhere. And so knowing these words are going to get in front of him will be important. And so knowing these words are going to get in front of him will be important. And she'll be mad. Why didn't he tell me? Oh my gosh. Or I know we've been talking about it. I just haven't told you about it. Who knows how the conversation goes. No, I think she understands

that it's bad. She just doesn't bring it up because he doesn't. Well, and she may not understand that it's like three weeks or four weeks bad. I'm not sure exactly how long, but yeah. Here's the other thing to be aware of. It often catches people off guard as they head into, as loved ones or friends or family head into palliative care or head into hospice care, the last few weeks are not like the last few months. Right. The last few weeks are gnarly. Yeah.

Bodies do wild things as they're heading out. And it usually catches people off guard because they think I've got two weeks left with so-and-so and you don't realize you're going to be bobbing in and out of consciousness. There's going to be different levels of medication, different levels of like body fluids. It's a very different experience. And so in her 13-year-old mind, okay, I got three weeks. I got four weeks. Not really.

Not necessarily. Right. And so I would begin planning as soon as possible here's this letter let's get this done i'm going to try to arrange a meeting however possible in person and if you got to take off work if your husband's got to if y'all got to figure that out figure that out but that last touch point will be really important part of the healing process for sure and it's part of the it's part of the honoring process and then of course it goes without saying she's got to go to the funeral.

She's got to be a part of that, all that stuff. Absolutely. Yeah. She'd be a part of making mom food, be a part of, um, channeling that energy into, Hey, let's make some, we're going to make some snacks for the family. We're going to do something. Right. Okay. The fundraiser school, but give her a place to put that energy and not just sit in her room and text. Right. And that means you, mom, are going to have to do, do, and do.

And that sucks for you too, I know. Yeah. What we do. That's right. But it'll also be a part of your healing also. Okay. All right. So I've laid a lot out there.

Any questions? Any ideas? No. I appreciate the advice that you brought up, some things I definitely didn't think about, which is why I asked the question. No, it's hard, right? It's hard.

Andrea, you call anytime. Thank you. Let your daughter know, honey, there's going to be times that I, I'm just thinking of times in the past when I had to tell a family, your child has passed away. Your child has died. I had to tell, I would show up to a house and have to hold a mother while her child had passed away in the next room. And a couple of times when I got home at 2 or 3 in the morning from that, I would go into my son's room and I would just crawl into bed with him. And he wouldn't wake up. But it was a thing I needed to do. And so I think it's fair to tell your daughter,

I'm walking with a family right now, very similar situation. And I've told my, my kids don't know, but I'm extra huggy these days. And I'm extra teary these days. Quick, quick, I got a quick trigger on my tears.

So tell your daughter, there may be days that I walk by your room and I knock on the door and I'm coming in and I just need a hug. Let her know that. Okay. And what it's going to do is humanize you, but it's also going to make her feel not crazy. And you tell her, anytime you knock on my door, I got you. Sure. Thank you.

I hate that there's pediatric cancer it's one of those it should not be but it is and I'm glad to know there's people like you Andrea who love their friends and love their neighbors and are willing to go get involved there's no

easy way to do it. Thank you for heading right into the middle of it. Your daughter's going to learn a lot by watching you and your husband in this process. You make mistakes as you will, let her know you made a mistake. You do it right, let her know this is how you do this. And say way, way, way less than you think you're supposed to say. Just show up. Your presence is enough. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back for an Am I the Problem? Go for it, Kelly. All right, this is from Jay in Mississippi. Am I the Problem? Hold on, you're smiling. I can just tell this one's a good one. It is quite interesting. Okay. My husband has an uncle who constantly calls to talk to our kids. The uncle has his own teenage kids, but tries to act as though our kids are somehow his special little grandkids. My husband has expressed discomfort about his uncle's interest in our kids, and I feel the same way.

The uncle has called at least 20 times since Christmas, and my husband has answered once and made excuses for the kids to not get on the phone. The last time we saw the uncle, he practically tackled our kids with hugs. Whoa. We still ignore his calls and try to limit their time around him. In the past, the uncle has shown himself to be unreasonable to any sort of input from family, so we feel our avoidance is the best policy. No! No! Are we the best? Are we the problem? He's the problem, but you're probing that problem. Let's try that again. What?

Well said. I'm known for my clarity. He's the problem, clearly. But whose brother is it? The husband's brother. Yeah. Or sorry, the husband's uncle. So it's these kids' great uncle.

Oh. So there's an authority. That makes it weird. Yeah, because there's an authority thing there. The authority I don't care about. Well, not authority, but. It's the age. Yeah age yeah if it was my brother i'd call my brother like dude quit calling my kids like call him once a week you weirdo or call him once a month um when it's yeah when it's a grandparenty kind of situation that gets a little bit more messy

um avoidance and dishonesty is almost never the best policy, especially in the age of cell phones. Used to, you could get away with it, I guess. You just can't much anymore. Yeah, I'm just trying to be pragmatic. You couldn't call that guy and be like, hey, you're being a weirdo. But 20 times, that's a lot. That's every week or every, a couple of times a week. Yeah, that's a lot. That's every week, um, or every, a couple of times a week.

Yeah. That's a bunch. So, um, maybe call him, maybe whoever's uncle it is call and say, Hey man, you've been calling a whole bunch. Like what's going on? Um, is everything okay? And see what he says. Like, no, I just missed my, I missed my niece and nephew and be like, all right, we try to limit their, we're going to limit their, we're going to limit it to one call a week or one call every two weeks or whatever. And let him know before holidays, hey, we are trying to really be careful about hugs and human connection or touch or whatever.

And if he can't abide by it, then yeah, we're not going to attend. Somebody's got to have that conversation. I think because it's not fair. I'm trying my best to think good of him, but every little like Oogie alarm I have is going off. Just feels yuck on top of yuck on top of gross on top of yuck.

Um, so yeah, in the off chance but I don't you know what it's just yeah something's not right something's something's not good I agree there's just something and the kids are like no it's fine but they're teenagers they're oblivious they're teenagers

but there's something weird he's got his own he's got teenage kids his own I's right. But there's something weird. He's got his own. He's got teenage kids. His own. I don't know. There's just something weird. It's just a, I think she's right to have a weird feeling. Yeah. One, I have a weird feeling.

And if it's going and he and her both separately said that, then there's definitely something. It wasn't like she said, hey, your uncle's creeping me out. He said it first. And she was like, actually, yeah, I agree. Okay. So here's the guideline. When it comes to protecting your kid, be as weird as you have to be or as awkward as you have to be or disrupt whatever it is you have to disrupt to protect your kids. Because I promise you, I promise you because I've been in the room with these conversations, you don't want to be on the other side of it where you knew something wasn't right.

And now your kid has explained to you how they were sexually abused for years, right? And in your, I promise you don't want that conversation. So go be awkward and weird on the front end. Have that family member be like, I can't believe you. Fine, I'll do whatever it takes. You'd get in a fist fight in front of your kids, right?

You would take a bullet for your kids. Take an awkward conversation with a family member for your kids, for crying out loud. That's my thought on it. So everybody's the problem in that one. Way more uncle is the problem. But they don't go away. The problems don't go away. Let's set some boundaries.

Hey, thank y'all for being on the show. But y'all weren't on the show The problems don't go away. Let's set some boundaries. Hey, thank y'all for, I was going to say for being on the show, but y'all weren't on the show. Y'all just listened. Kelly, V-necking it big time. That was huge. You're great at what you do, Kelly. Every day, I'm grateful that I get to be on your team. You heard it right here, America.

It's the Talking Positive About Kelly season. Love you guys. Bye.