The Dr. John Delony Show - Can I Learn To Love My Body as It Is?

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman obsessed with body image during her weight loss journey - A man wondering if it’s too soon to ask the woman he loves to marry him - A man who wants his mom to downsize after his father’s death Lyrics of the Day: "Flowers" - Miley Cyrus Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. In the grand scheme of everything that's going on in the world, still is kind of like a dumb question. Wow, can I stop you right there? I can almost guarantee that's part of the problem. Whatever you're about to ask me. How do I learn to love my body even when I'm incredibly overweight? Like 160 pounds overweight.

Because I don't love my body. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're joining us, hanging out with us. If you want to be a part of the world's greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast, and when I say greatest, I don't mean by numbers or even the quality of the things I share here. I just mean that I just like to say that over and over again. And hopefully it becomes part of the way you talk about the show. And then we all win, right? Do you want to be a part of the greatest mental health and marriage podcast ever?

The best in the world. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And I do get a lot of Instagram messages from folks overseas asking if they can call in. Yes, absolutely. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask and fill out the form. And we've made it work from multiple countries across the world. And actually I love hearing different perspectives. So it's awesome. And real quick, just housekeeping. Please go follow us. Follow me on Instagram.

Just saying that gives me hemorrhoids. Follow me on Instagram and the TikToks and all those things. And like and subscribe the show. You know that drill. Just help a brother out. How about that? All right, let's go to Merlinda in Oklahoma. What's up, Merlanda?

Hey, not much. How are you, Dr. John? Partying. I can't think of a more Oklahoma name than Merlanda. That's fantastic. Well, thank you. I take that as a compliment. You should.

You should. So what's up? Well, okay. So I have a question, and in the grand scheme of everything that's going on in the world, it feels kind of like a dumb question. Wow. Can I stop you right there? Yes. I can almost guarantee that's going on in the world, it feels kind of like a dumb question. Whoa, can I stop you right there? I can almost guarantee that's part of the problem. Whatever you're about to ask me, I want you to have permission to own whatever's bringing you down.

Okay. You promise? I promise. And I might cry. Bring it on. I might cry with you. Okay. My question is this. Sorry. How do I learn to love my body even when... Sorry.

Hey, stop apologizing. You're good. Same team. You're my friend. How do I learn to love my body even when I'm incredibly overweight, like 160 pounds overweight? Because I don't love my body. Okay. When did you?

I hate it. I hate the way that I look. Okay. How long have you struggled with your weight? My whole life. I look. Okay. How long have you struggled with your weight? Um, my whole life. I'm, um, I'm a twin, a fraternal twin and fraternal twin is, grew up super skinny. And I knew from a comparison age, like whenever I first started noticing that we look different, um, I was the bigger one and actually was dubbed that as a child. Just at basketball games, my friends, my family, I'm the bigger twin. So my whole life.

So most of us who have struggled with what we see in the mirror, who take our shirts off and look in the mirror and are grossed out. And I'll put myself in that category. I've talked about that here. We have an imaginary idea of what we would look like in another body. Or if we would finally just start taking care of ourselves and stop being so lazy or whatever other crap we pile on ourselves. You walked alongside a literal person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She was athletic. Who was the popular girl who was pretty and, and I love her. She's my best friend and she knows all of these things. But I, I even remember Dr. John, like at a young age asking her,

and then I actually, so I have a twin and then I have a younger sister that's just 16 months younger. So we were pretty much like triplets. Um, and she again was skinny, tall, popular, pretty athletic. And I remember like probably junior high asking them repeatedly, like, Hey, are, are you embarrassed of me? Like, do I embarrass you? Or do I you know do you want do you want to be seen with me like unprompted would just ask them that you know of course they'd be like we don't care like you're you like you're fine but in my mind um i was less

than yeah and i still like, I still feel that way. And I, and like today's culture, you know, like it's like something that, and this has been more recently, like I, I found like these inadvertent thoughts of comparison. Um, you watch a commercial, you know, like, and, and I've noticed like, Hmm, there's not very many fat people in that commercial, you know, like, or I'm also, I'm a worship pastor. So that's always fun because we live stream services. So, you know, I, there's a video every week of that. I, if I would allow myself, I people who look like me and realizing like there's not.

And, and I don't know if, um, people do that consciously or unconsciously, but I immediately do the comparison game and like, okay, well, that's because you're you. You're less than. Yeah. So let's – I want you to imagine I'm holding your hand, okay? Because I want to walk through a few things and it's going to be uncomfortable for a minute until it gets to the other side. Is that okay? Absolutely. Okay. And I'm going to use some intentional – I'm going to say things in a less than – normally I try to be pretty careful with my language.

I'm going to be intentional about some things. Is that okay? Absolutely. I want you to give me some words that come to mind when you think of fat people. The judgments you make Just let them rattle off the top of your head, go Dumb Don't hold back now

We're already in it now I know, I know I'm trying to say it when my voice doesn't shake Unattractive Ugly Less than As far as like Not as productive ugly less than as far as like not as productive not as efficient

people don't respect you as much you want more? we could and if you and I were sitting down together here's what I want you to put out there. I do think you don't like your body. I don't make any mistake about that.

I'll even go as far as to say I believe you that you hate your body. But you hate Merlanda. And those words you use to describe all those other people are the words you use. That's the stories you tell yourself. And I'll also go with you that those are stories you inhabited. That was the air you breathed, that you're the big girl. You're the – and there was a reality to that. You have a different genetic makeup.

Your body is different than your twin sister. Right. Right? So there was a reality to that And There was a narrative that You were the this one And you were one of them Not one of them

To the point that As a young kid Most kids Can be so unaware That they're Different You were not So somebody somewhere

Was making it pretty Pretty clear Not 100% And so that story Over time you were not. So somebody somewhere was making it pretty clear. Not 100%. And so that story over time, those stories from the kids, from your parents, from that aunt that's just like, oh, honey, you shouldn't eat that. Like all that when you're six, for God's sake.

All of that, those stories, they become stories you tell yourself in your own voice. I agree. I learned this in a heavy conversation. If you haven't heard my interview with Sal DiStefano, I had him on my show a while back. He's one of the mind pump guys. Okay. One of the heaviest conversations I've had around this topic, and he said something that I got choked up on the interview because

that never occurred to me. He said, John, you cannot hate yourself. You can't hate your body into better shape. You can't go to the gym and try to get rid of how disgusting you are. You can't look at healthy food and shove it down your throat because you are so grossed out by, it doesn't work like that. It's a recipe for crash and burn. And probably for yo-yo dieting because that's what I've done my whole life. Yes. And you know how you can yo-yo diet because you're one of the strongest people around. You can grit your teeth because you're strong. You've had to be your whole life. You're real strong.

You can grit your teeth and you can lose 30 pounds, but you still hate Merlanda. Yep. And so what we're looking for here is less about how do i not hate my body it's how do i make peace with merlanda and when i decide to go work out i'm giving merlanda a gift because i love her when i decide to not go crush another box of whatever which was me last night i I bought seven, seven boxes of Girl Scout cookies, those evil kids who sell them one month after everyone's New Year's resolution.

But I didn't dominate them last night based on a conversation I had with Lane Norton who said, hey, it's a story you're telling yourself that you can't help yourself. Yeah, you can. And John, my friend, is worth more than that. And when he told me those words, it was like a light bulb came on. And Marlena, I do this for a living. I've been having this conversation for 30 years.

And here I am now. Oh, yeah, I can't hate myself into long-term behavior change. I got to love myself that way. Same as you can't hate and nag your husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend into changing. It doesn't work. Right. Right?

So, tell me two or three things that Merland is really amazing at. Contrary to my own beliefs, I'm a really good leader. Okay, can I stop you right there? Yeah. Um, contrary to my own, my own beliefs, I'm a really good leader. Um, I am. Okay. Can I stop you right there?

Yeah. Can we agree on the outset that your beliefs about yourself are inaccurate often? A hundred percent. Sweet. All right, cool. That's usually like seven or eight sessions right there. That's fantastic. Okay.

So you know that your feeling signals can be off or they can be wrong, which is awesome. Okay. So you're great at worship leading. Does that mean you're a great singer, a great guitarist, or you're great at bringing people into community? Bringing people into community. Awesome.

Not just like on stage, but like in... I can think of few gifts greater to humanity than someone who can rally people together for a common purpose. Good for you. What else? I'm very, very kind and caring for other people. One of the things I'm good at, I've become, I don't know.

Why is this so hard and the negative things are so easy? Well, because our brains are wired for them. And you've had a steady stream of negativity dumped into your heart and mind your whole life. And negative things are what get us killed, not the positive stuff. So our brains are wired to look for the negative because it doesn't want to die.

And that means we have to work really hard, especially in this world with all the cell phones and all the attention and all the video streams that you're on every week, that when our brain is going, there's a threat, there's a threat, there's a threat, there's a threat. We also have to counter that with,

and there's joy and there's laughter. And there's somebody who's working to really love herself after a long time of not having a roadmap for what that looks like. Yeah. Here's a way, a place I want you to start. Okay. A couple of things. Number one,

I want you to start treating my friend Miranda like you treat those people at your church.so and I did this. You say, oh my gosh, I love you. And I want you to treat Merlanda like that. And what that means is that's a morning practice and an evening practice. And you're going to have to do it double time because you've been on this track for another set of tracks for a long time. I love Merlanda because. And don't make a logistical. Sorry. Yeah, go ahead Like

You mean like I'm a logistics person And I tell it to like One of my small group classes a lot Like Get a Go get a Go get a journal

Today From the store A brand new one That you've never written in before Okay And then And I would put swear words in it If I wasn't talking to a worship leader

But at the top I would put Why words in it if I wasn't talking to a worship leader. But at the top, I would put why Miranda is worth loving. No, not even that. Miranda is worth loving, period. How about that? Merlanda, I'm sorry. Merlanda is worth loving, period. And then underneath it, write down.

Merlanda is somebody who treats people with dignity and respect. Merlanda is somebody who is loved. Merlanda is someone who, and keep going. And by the way, you're going to start seeing that a lot of this stuff is performance-based about what you can do for other people. I want you to get beneath that. Is that like part of it? Because that is like as you were asking what's, you were asking What are the things that I'm good at I mean I

100% or I would not 100% But probably 97% of all the things That I think that I'm good at Is how I can make other people's lives better That's because your whole life You always felt worthless And not pretty And not worthy of being talked to or looked at or sat with

And so you created a world where you could go out and act your way into worth and value. And God, Marlena, that's exhausting, isn't it? It is. And you're spot on. It's exhausting. Here's the second thing I want you to do, and this is going to be the most annoying challenge, okay? And you're going to have to practice this. If you and I started salsa dancing classes, we would be terrible, right?

Right. And we would know that because we had never taken salsa dancing before, and we would laugh and stumble around and fall, and our instructor would be like, oh, get out of my class, and then we'd pay him, and he'd be like, all right, you can come back. It'd be a whole thing. So as you're practicing this new thing I want to – this new task I want to give you, give yourself grace. You don't know what you're doing.

You've never done this before, okay? It's going to be a lot of stumbling and falling and tripping, and it's okay because it's all new. And you'll be like, oh, man, I screwed that one up. Have that attitude about it. Not, well, there's another thing I can put in the Merlanta sucks pile. Okay.

I want you to carry this journal around with you everywhere. And by the way, I got one right here on my desk right now. Okay. I want you to carry it around with you. And when you have a negative thought about Merlanda, write it down. Okay. Every single time. It's like taking a budget except for your thoughts. You know, like you have apps, like I use the EveryDollar app for my expenses. And every time I buy something, it shows up and it reminds me, you just spent this, you just spent this.

I want you to do that with your thoughts. Because what we have to do in real quick order is take capture of our thoughts, the things that are circling in your mind all day. You're going to be stunned at how often you walk by a mirror and think I'm disgusting or gross or why do I wear this shirt? Or when you're watching yourself and there could be a thousand people in your church being led through a pretty remarkable worship service. And all you can see when you're watching the tape back is how unattractive you think you look. I want you to write all of that down. And here's the second part of that. Write it down and challenge that. Is this true?

And most of the time, the answer is no. Now, I'm also going to tell you a hard truth. Is it okay? Absolutely. If you look at a photo of yourself or you walk by the mirror and you think the words, I need to lose weight, you probably do. But not to be loved. Not so that you finally have value, but because you're worth getting up and your back not hurting

and your knees not hurting and you feeling recklessly beautiful and you live in to be 80 years old so you can continue to bring people together in joy and love and comfort. Is that fair? Absolutely. Yes.

And so, like I said, exercise becomes a gift. It becomes an awesome thing that you give, Merlanda. Working with somebody to change how you eat, all that stuff, that becomes a gift. It doesn't become a burden or a chore. It's an annoying gift. I don't like all my gifts, but it's a gift. It's definitely felt like punishment. Of course.

My whole life. Because you hate you and you deserve to be punished. Right? Yep. Merlinda, that stops today. Same team? Same team. Will you reach out and call somebody in your area

and tell them I've hated myself for the last time? Yes. Yes, I will. I'll be with you every step of the way. Okay? And again, I want you to hear me say this. This isn't a weight loss journey.

This is going to be a journey about rediscovering Marlinda and finally giving that little girl a voice. Finally letting that little girl know that she's loved and valued even though she doesn't look like her sister. And here's another honest take. You may need to get with a doctor. They have had some advancements in obesity care that is unimaginable 10 years ago. It's incredible. Yeah. Okay. See, I've thought about those things and it's made me think, oh, well, it's just because you're weak. Even though I completed 75 hard and I could do a CrossFit

workout and I haven't had sweets since November 1st. Like I haven't had any candy or like I could do things, hard things, but in my mind, I, that's negative thoughts just start derailing me. You can do some hard things, but you can't do the ultimate hard thing yet. The ultimate hard thing is forgiving Marlena for hating herself for so long and deciding today I'm going to go do something different. Okay.

I took anxiety medication for a couple of years and it saved my life and I don't recommend people take medicine and I sat at my kitchen table and I wept I felt like such a freaking loser and anxiety medication did not cure me but it did give me the opportunity to start doing the things that would heal me.

Sit down with a doctor and going through whether it's medication or whether it's – there's all kinds of different paths here. And don't let any nonsensical influencer or moron on YouTube – it's between you and your doctor and your physician, okay? You're not weak. You just happen to live in a sliver of history when we have some of the most extraordinary advancements in the history of mankind that can help people in our situation. And our situations are different.

Fair? No, but fair. That makes sense, though. Starting today, you like Merlanda and you're nice to Merlanda like i like merlanda is that fair fair thank you for being one of the bravest people i've talked to in a long long time anything i can do along the way anytime you want to call back and say i'm stuck here i need some help here holler at me i walk alongside you i'm so grateful for you. We'll be right back.

All right, we're back. Jack, let's go to Stephen in Ontario. What's up, Stephen? Hey, John. How's it going? Partying, dude. What are you up to? Not too much. Just enjoying the day. Is it one in Canada right now? How cold is it? It's actually been pretty warm this winter. It's about zero right now. Normally it'd be minus 20 Celsius, but it's been a warm one this year. I don't even know the words you just said, man. I don't understand you, Steven. I don't understand you. All right. What's up? Yeah. So I got a relationship question for you today. Okay. Bring it. So for some context,

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a bit more than a year now. And it's been a great relationship, very loving, great communication. I kind of ask for anything better. And after some internal reflections of thought and kind of sitting with the feeling for a bit, I think that I'm ready to start having a more serious conversation about looking at what next steps might be in terms of engagement and kind of planning more seriously what life together might look like. Cool. How old are you?

I'm 24. I was hoping you were going to say 16. Okay. 24. All right, cool. This would have been way more fun if you were 16, but okay.

So 24. Awesome. So what's your, how can All right, cool. This would have been way more fun if you were 16. Okay, so 24, awesome. So how can I help? Yeah, so the one thing I'm really considering with this is that while I very much have sat with this feeling and kind of thought about it a lot and do you really feel it? I think that, you know, it has been just over a year and that it might be kind of more prudent to sit with this feeling a bit longer, you know, get a few more seasons of life under our belts and more experience with life beside each other before kind of stepping forward with something like that.

And it's kind of dealing with the conflict of, I very much really do feel that feeling of i'm ready for that next step but also kind of reining myself in a bit and just saying hey like time's on our side and we're pretty young and let these feelings kind of continue to deepen and sit with them for a bit and just kind of get your thoughts on that yeah man thanks for the call um i think first and foremost you need to take your feelings and flush them down the toilet. Okay. I think you are being led around by your feelings.

And if you set into a long-term relationship... Now, make no mistake. You feel in love and you feel super all jazzed up to be next to her. All that's cool. They're awesome, right? They make great road signs.

They make terrible directions. Okay? Because here's what's going to happen. You're going to be four or five years into this thing. You're going to be married and then she'll have a kid and you'll be figuring X and Y and then you won't quote unquote feel it anymore.

I've been married 20 and a half years. I can guarantee you the feelings come and go. And at some point, if you heard my conversation with Jordan Peterson, I made a covenant. I said I would. And the times I have been dangling over the edge to leave this thing and to walk all that, I've been held back by that one thing. I said I would. Said I would. I said I would. And so feelings are fine and good, especially at the beginning.

What I begin to look for over time is, are our values as we know them right now aligned? Right? And we very much have had those conversations. And over time, increasing complexity and seriousness. And we definitely, I think, have come to the conclusion that our values very much do align. But I think it's kind of sitting with each other and kind of living those values out and kind of getting consistency over time with that. Man, you're, you're running this thing like it's a computer program and it doesn't work like that. Okay.

Because my, my first impulse is to say, yeah, you could go through a lot of life rigamarous and experiences and do all that dating, but that's the stuff that makes relationships really remarkable and strong. That's the stuff that makes relationships really remarkable and strong that's the stuff that you get to share with other people when you've you're committed when you're fully anchored in and as the great poet Stephen Connell says love is a promise that comes what comes I'll be right here and so more so than any feelings is this idea that I'm going to decide every single morning for the rest of my life that I'm going to love you. Whether I feel like it, whether you're sick, whether we're broke, whether you've hurt me deeply,

every day I will wake up and look across this room or look at the bed next to me and say I do and if you can do that it's game on why wait if you can't

if you refuse to make that commitment and her make that commitment don't do it man you've had a great run it's been fun you like dating it's a blast refuse to make that commitment and her make that commitment, don't do it, man. You've had a great run. It's been fun. You like dating. It's a blast.

Feelings will come and go, my brother. And anybody who gives you some sort of matrix, do these 10 things or this is the 15 ways to know if she's the one. They're just selling you snake oil, man. It's nonsense And I think you've definitely Zeroed in a lot on who I am And I'm very much a Systems driven kind of person I can hear it all over you if you're not a coder

I can hear it all over you Not quite but I'm pretty close Exactly So Okay I'll explain it this way This is the best way I can explain it Do you know who Dave Ramsey is? Okay, I'll explain it this way. This is the best way I can explain it. Do you know who Dave Ramsey is?

Oh, of course I do. That's how I got to you. Okay, yeah, he's my boss, right? And he took a couple of us skydiving this past summer. There is nothing in my life more terrifying than heights for me. I'm talking like I don't like to get on a ladder. I don't like to look over the edge at a second story, like up a set of stairs, dude, I've trained with pro MMA fight. I I'm not, I've been in active shooter situation. I'm not scared of much of anything.

I hate heights, hate them. And so when he sent the email around saying, Hey, I'll, um, I'll pick up the tab. We all go, uh, skydiving's in? A couple of my colleagues said, I'm out. I'm out. And I instantly just went, I'm in. And dude, I didn't sleep for however long. I mean, I was terrified, man. But listen, it was a spiritual experience for me. And I know that sounds all woo-woo and lame, but here's what it was for me. It showed me this adventure I'd been on in my

marriage where for so many years, I tried to love harder by clamping down, by holding on tighter, holding on to my wife, into our values, into our rules, into the way things are in our house and how's our house going to, and it was this constant revision. Are we aligned? Are we on this thing? And then I jumped out of that plane, man, and you just let go. And I had to lean in and trust the dude behind me, this former Navy SEAL who had a vested interest in landing safely also.

Dude, it was a total abandonment, trust like i've never experienced i gotta trust this guy or i'm dead gotta do what he says or i'm dead and it was one of those mad my wife came with us actually and on our when i got home and we were just talking about it we both had a conversation about oh that's belief is not trying to get all the rules right it's letting go that's love it's not trying to take you it's not trying to suffocate my wife and my family and my kids it's letting go and when i let go then she feels safe enough to be so deeply rooted in our marriage that she feels safe. And when she feels safe, she can breathe. And when she can breathe, then all of a sudden – see what I'm saying?

I think I do. It's going to be exactly opposite of your impulse. I want to control every variable. I want to make sure every T is crossed, every I is dotted before we do this other thing. Because once we do this thing, there's no coming back. I'll tell you right now, dude. You're going to cross that line and be like what happened yeah right the thing that you can control on this side of of that experience is

come what come i will be right here and i'll spend the rest of my life trying to meet your needs will you my love spend the rest of my life trying to meet your needs. Will you, my love, spend the rest of your life helping me meet mine? And that's the dance. I think that's very well put. Yeah. And I would do anything to have your way of seeing the world, by the way. I'm kind of a chaotic mess. So you will bring immense value to your marriage.

Hopefully you're marrying somebody that's going to drag you out dancing, and you are going to be the guy that's like, how about we pay the light bill too? Hopefully that's how you all work, right? You have an incredible value to relationships. I need people like you for real. If it wasn't for my wife, I would have an awesome podcast and be homeless at the same time. So you have immense value.

But when it comes to this one decision, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. Come what come, I'll be here. And my feelings are going to be a part of the signal system, but they are not going to be the direction. The direction is come what come not going to be the direction. The direction is, come or come, I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere. That's love. And I hate to say this so crassly, but my brother loves a choice every day for the rest of your life. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Chicago and talk to Aaron. What's up?

Hey, Ron, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing? Good. You doing well? Doing well. Excellent. Thanks so much for taking my call. Appreciate it.

You got it, man. What's happening? Hey, so just reaching out to you today just for some guidance regarding a hard conversation that eventually got to happen with my mom. Just to give you some background information for you. So my father passed away suddenly in December of 2021. Man, I'm sorry. Yeah, no thanks.

What was his name? His name was Leon. Was he pretty cool? Yeah, man, thanks. What was his name? His name was Leon. Was he pretty cool? Yeah, man, he was the best. I miss him every day. His name was Leon. Did y'all used to watch those Leon commercials together? Remember those?

I don't think so. Do you remember those? They were ESPN. Leon can't do everything. You remember those? They were fantastic. Oh, I don't know. Tell me something that was amazing about your dad.

He could just like do so many things. He was a handy guy. I mean, he helped me like redo my kitchen. He refinished like four or five basements in his lifetime. Was he one of those hardcore Union, or almost Union Chicago guys that didn't always say the word, I love you, but you would wake up at 6 a.m. and they're pulling your cabinets down to replace them for you? No, he wasn't a Union guy. He just loved to stay busy and work with his hands. And just during his retirement, he just was a handy guy and was painting walls for people and installing flooring. And just, you know, he was 75 years old and he could do like circles around 65 year olds at times. He sounds like he, he sounds like he loved well. Totally. Absolutely. What a cool... I can think of... I hope my kids say that about me.

My dad was nuts. He was kind of a moron, but he loved well. That's awesome. All right. So tell me about your question. Hard conversation you got to have. Yeah. Yeah. So like I said, you know, just, uh, it was a shock to us all and, um, didn't see it coming. And, um, so in 2019, my mom and dad moved to the home where they current, where my mom currently lives. And, um, it's a bigger home with about, you know, 26, 2,800 square feet, got three car garage, decent size, you know, residential lot. And, um, you know, my mom, she's, she's healthy at this point. She's, she's active. I mean, my mom's incredible. She's not afraid of hard work. She cuts the lawn, she shovels the snow. She's, uh, she's an active,

healthy 73 year old. Um, as far as I know. And, um, just like, you know, in time, just how big the home is and where she lives, just, you know, my sister and I have really liked her to consider, you know, just sizing down just to, you know, for her own health and safety. And, um, just, um, also to, you know, I think it would be a stress relieve her for her as well. But, uh, at the same time, I think, um, just in previous conversations, like broad conversations, she's made the comment like, Oh, I don't think I could move again. And, and things like that. And being that it's been over a year now that my dad has passed, just got to look ahead and have the conversation and just to find out if she'd be willing and just how to do that. So that's really like my question.

And your mom, I'll tell you this. Your mom is lucky to have a couple of kids who love her so much it's awesome it's awesome yeah thank you um all right so i'm gonna tell you some hard truths and then give you maybe like a plan is that cool sure yeah all this i'm just rattling off top of my head here so it may be worth i don't want it any other way the free advice um it sounds like by the way you just described this that this move would be more for you and your sister not your mom at this point this and or this move would alleviate your tension and your fear and your angst not your mom's yeah and i know that sucks to say that out loud. And you know, another thing is something

that I forgot to mention is, um, I mean, like I said, she's, she's healthy. I do know that, um, she does kind of have like weaker bones where she goes in like monthly, temporarily, and she's having like injections done to kind of make her bones stronger. Is she a osteoporosis? Um, yeah, she does take like, I think medication for that. And she has mentioned to us, um, at one point that she was going down, um, like, uh, some steps, it was just, uh, two or three steps that's in the house. And she did fall and she didn't like tell us till two weeks later. And's like ma what the heck come on tell us this when it happens so does she still have um inside that home is there still pictures of your dad everywhere are his clothes still there

uh no his clothes is not there. Yes, there are pictures. I mean, his tools and things are still there. That's, again, something that we're going to have to tackle at some point and figure out. So my bigger question is, for your mom, is your dad still inside this home? And that might be a, that's a different conversation than, hey, let's make your life easier. The other conversation is,

as a family, we've grieved dad for a year and it's been hard and we miss him. And I can't even, I mean, you still can't even talk about him without getting choked up because you loved him so much and he loved you so much. And we got to let dad go.

And that doesn't mean dad doesn't live with us in our hearts forever. And dad hasn't made a ripple through time that will continue to ripple through generations and generations on. We got to let, we got to let dad go. And that's a different conversation than, Hey mom, what if you didn't have to shovel the driveway? Would that sound awesome? See what I'm saying? Yeah. Right. So I would approach, so I'm just going to tell you this, how I would approach this if I were you.

Okay. Okay. If this was my situation and my dad just suddenly passed away, my dad's like your dad. He loves recklessly. He's a big personality. He's loud and goofy and just amazing guy. And if he suddenly just overnight went away, right?

So I look up a year later and I flew to Texas to sit with my mom. And what I would say is, mom, this house looks like and feels like so much work. And I want you to hear from me. I want nothing but peace and laughter and joy for you for the rest of the time we have you the moment you're ready to do the hard work of digging in and selling some of this stuff

and selling the house and moving to a patio home or moving in our basement the dad refinished whatever that looks like I want you to know we are

I'm ready to rock and roll by your side and so it's more forming an alliance and less pressuring her more. I'm on your team. And when you're ready, we will come in with our goggles on like the home repair shows. We'll be ready to rock and roll.

And less about I'm your son, but now I'm taking the role of your dad. I'm going to tell you what to do. Right. You see how that's a little bit different? Totally, yeah. You know your mom way better than I do. I mean, I don't know your mom at all.

How does that conversation land with her? Yeah, you know, I think just, you know, coming from our heart and approaching it that way, it may turn on a light bulb and— Make it all your problem. Make it a hundred—like, Mom, I worry about you. You're a gangster. Like, you're out shoveling the snow and doing flips off the roof into the yard. Like, you're awesome.

I am struggling. Yeah. And maybe that's an opportunity for her to give herself some purpose well i gotta make my son feel better again like who knows but make it your problem at this point now she breaks a hip she's unable to move you go by to see her in the yard it's four feet tall and there's snow everywhere and she can't get out of the house that's a totally different conversation. Right. That's the conversation folks have with their 90-year-old dads,

and they say, Dad, I'm taking the car keys. You can't drive anymore. You're not safe. Right. Those are hard conversations, man. And you hope that parents will volunteer, right? The same as old boxers. Dude, they have to be told by their friends and managers and loved ones, I'm not taking your money anymore.

You got to stop. Very few boxers are like, all right, I'm not taking your money anymore. You got to stop. Very few boxers are like, all right, it's time for me to go. You don't still do that. Right? And so that's hard. I would make this all on you at this point, you and your sister. Mom, we're worrying about you. We love you. to let this house go, to let dad go be with whatever,

wherever he is and us to create a new life with the, with the years we got left. Gotcha. No, that's solid. Thanks so much. Yeah, man.

Will you do me a huge favor? Let me know how that conversation goes. Yeah, I will. Absolutely. And one more, one more tiny little piece and I'll, I'll Will you do me a huge favor? Let me know how that conversation goes. Yeah, I will. Absolutely. And one more, one more tiny little piece and I'll, I'll let you go. Don't, don't spring this on her. Set it up. Okay. Right. No.

So I'd let her know, Hey, we're going to come over. We're going to talk about future stuff. And it's also a great time to talk about a will. Like, does she have a will? Did your old, did your dad have a will? Yeah. Okay, good. Do you know where it is and all that? I do, yeah. Great. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

God, your parents sound more amazing by the second, dude. That's awesome. But especially when you have those conversations, do we know where everything is? Like, I just want to make sure that we're planning for the future so we can best love you and take care of you in the coming years. And we got caught off guard with that. It was a shock.

We're going to be shocked no matter what, but we want to make sure we've got all our ducks in a row. Totally. I can't sleep at night because I think you're going to do somersaults down the stairs. Exactly. And if she's a good 80-year-old

snow-shoveling Chicago woman, she'll think that's hilarious. Right? exactly and if she's a good 80 year old snow shoveling Chicago woman she'll think that's hilarious right yes she will she sounds awesome hey man it's been an honor

to talk to you let me know how that conversation goes shoot us an email or give us a call back in and I'll update the audience here but I want to hear

how that conversation goes my guess is she's going to say, thank you for thinking about us and not making any decisions for a minute. And then all of a sudden you're going to get a call out of the blue that she says, Hey, it's time. Let's list the house. And then you are going to have to go through your grieving process because it's going to be very real, but that's something y'all can all do together. Life after loss is so hard and y'all are lucky that you have each other stay together. We'll be right back Hey, what's up deloney here?

Listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point In my new book building a non-anxious life You'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, one of Kelly's favorite singers ever, ever. Last year, you took a leave to follow her tour around, which is quasi-weird, but today's show. One of Kelly's favorite singers ever. Ever. Last year, you took a leave to follow her tour around,

which was quasi-weird, but it's cool. Front row Joe. Have you not been to a concert to see her? Oh my gosh. I can't believe you lied to America. Today's song of the day

is written by Kelly's favorite singer ever, Miley Cyrus. She actually, hanging from her rearview mirror in her car, is just a miniature little wrecking ball. Instead of the dice, she just has a little wrecking ball. Kelly loves it. Song's called Flowers, and it goes like this. We were good. We were gold. Kind of dream that can't be sold. We were right till we weren't.

Built a home and watched it burn I didn't want to leave you I didn't want to lie Started to cry but then I remembered I can buy myself flowers And write my name in the sand And talk to myself for hours Say things you don't understand

I can take myself dancing I can hold my own hand I can love me better than you can Whew That sounds harsh Bring it Miley Love me better than you can. Whew. That sounds harsh. Bring it, Miley. Now I know why you love her so much, Kelly.

Man. Hey, we'll see you soon, good folks.