The Dr. John Delony Show - Can I Make My Wife Love Me Again?

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man who wants to win his wife back after she said she doesn’t love him - A woman afraid of losing her relationships to bi-polar disorder - A wife unsure what to do about her toxic mother-in-law Lyrics of the Day: "I Want To Know What Love Is" - Foreigner Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My mother-in-law's not really a nice woman. I was fluctuating with my weight and depression, and she would just say like, oh, you're too fat for my son. And my husband saw it. Where is he in all this? He said, that's just my mom and she'll stop.

Dude, he needs to step up, man. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you are with us, giving us your time. There's a billion podcasts out there and you chose this one. And I'm so grateful that we are all hanging out. Hey, do me a huge favor. Please please please take one second literally one second and hit subscribe whether you listen to a podcast you're watching this on youtube hit subscribe subscribe subscribe

and it helps it kick it up into the into the algorithms and it puts it in front of more people and uh man we want more people to get the help that they need and not feel like they're so alone during these crazy times. Crazy times. Go ahead and hit subscribe. Send an episode to your friend. Send an episode to your friend. That would be awesome. And just above all, thank you.

Thanks for riding with us and being in our wacky little gang here, man. All right, let's go to Brian in Huntsville, Alabama. What's up, Brian? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing? I'm good, man. Things going all right? They're okay.

I've been married for seven months. And about three or four weeks ago, right before Christmas, my wife told me that she hasn't loved me in a year and is kind of regretting getting married. And she hasn't ever really been alone. and is kind of regretting getting married and she hasn't ever really been alone and she needs to try to find herself and i just like i don't want to get a divorce she did say she would go to counseling but i don't really know what that means i don't know what i need to do like i want this thing to work i don't think she she said things aren't

looking great i just don't know what all of this means. Yeah, that's my first question to you, man. One, dude, I'm shell-shocked with you. Does this catch you off guard? Kind of had a weird fluke last year, but her brother passed away in December of the year before, and I just thought it was like an anniversary, just kind of a hard time.

Plus, it was the holidays. But now she's just saying, like, she's just out of love and just isn't feeling it. And I don't really know what to do, what to try to change. Is she giving you any insights as to what you're contributing to this? Or is she doing the classic? Anytime somebody says, I don't feel, I don't feel, I don't feel, I always really want to challenge that. Because, man, I don't feel like exercising a lot.

It's still not the right thing to just go eat donuts. There's times I don't, quote, unquote, feel in love, but I still need to do the right thing because I love my wife, right? There's an underlying connectivity there that is way more important than my feelings. And so when someone says, I don't feel, I don't feel, I always want to know what are the, what are the things that are happening around you that are not letting your feelings feel like you're connected and safe? Has she given you any of that info?

She says I'm not, well, we kind of got in a fight cause she said she just didn't feel like she had space. And so I just kind of was like, well, I can go stay with my parents for a few days. And then the next day, I was just coming in and feel right. And then she said she felt like nobody really listens to her. And then she just feels like she never really has figured out what she wants in life. But I don't really know like i guess my thing is i was like you know the whole time we were dating like she was you know wanting marriage you know we talked about marriage she was all on board we planned the wedding and then she's just

saying now i gotta find myself and yeah i i wouldn't go I wouldn't go backwards right now okay it's easy to say yeah but just like seven months ago you said this what matters right now is what she's saying right now and you're alright to feel completely

hit upside the head like stunned by all this because of what just happened seven months ago or 10 months ago. But the important thing is right now. And it's hard to move forward with. It sounds like, and so this dude, I don't have any like super clinical insight here. It sounds like I've heard this same refrain before a hundred times, almost without exception. Either she has met somebody else that has caused her, either she's got feelings for somebody else

or she's met somebody else and it is causing her to doubt her commitment to you, or she's upset with herself. And so she's like, I shouldn't even have gotten married. I wasn't ready yet because I clearly have feelings for somebody else, which is dumb because you always have feelings for other people. I mean, it's just life. Or she is through with this marriage and she doesn't have the courage to say, I screwed up. I want out.

And so she's going to slowly make you the bad guy over time. And the way she's going to make you the bad guy, she's going to slowly hold you underwater. And when you start fighting to breathe air, she's going to point at the fighting and be like, see, look what you're doing. Yeah, we really weren't fighting. I know she kind of had like a weird childhood.

I don't care about any of that, honestly. I mean, she told you she was going to be with you forever. And so now it's how do we create a marriage and how do we love one another and how do we help meet each other's needs and heal from what happened to us? I mean, you don't just, you know what I'm saying? Like it provides the context, but it's not an excuse, right? But let's look at the bright side. She said she'll go to counseling. You said you don't really know what that means?

Well, she's just very, like, pessimistic. Like, we talked yesterday, and she was like, I mean, if you want to move back in, it'll kind of make it easier on everybody, but I really just don't see this thing turning around but what really what happened i don't know we were like i just i i don't know if i just got too comfortable or dude you've been married seven months man like that's kind of how i feel i'm like i just feel like it's too short to fail. I mean,

even if she really fell out of love a year ago, I just feel like that's like, like it wasn't until I moved out that she really kind of was like, well, I don't feel like, you know, like I'm getting like, you're listening to me and stuff like that.

And then she keeps trying to say, she's trying to find herself on what she wants, but I don't really know what that means. She hasn't really elaborated. And so I'll say in her defense, okay? Sometimes this idea that I'm with somebody and they're suffocating me, and maybe it's like you don't even know that you're hurting her or that you are trying to solve her or fix her issues. Or you are doing things that make her body feel unsafe. What it looks like. And dude, you sound, I don't think you have a mean bone in your body. Like you have no intention to do that, but her body's

telling you, I got to get away, got to get away, got to get away. Whatever that means. It could be completely unrelated to you. It could be childhood trauma, like coming forth now that she feels bounded and trapped. Who knows? You can't always articulate what your body knows. And that's hard to be in a relationship with somebody who can't quite articulate.

Like, dude, what is it about me that my presence says you've got to run? Right. That's a, that's a terrifying, scary feeling for anybody. Cause you love her, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And like, I don't, I don't want to make her feel like uncomfortable, but I feel like she had a hard time like trying to express like what's going on. She's never really been big into like deep conversations or like how she feels. And that's always been a little weird. Well, and it may be that growing up, you said she had a weird childhood that like telling somebody how you felt got you hurt

or got you made fun of or got you told you to shut up because nobody cares about your feelings. And so you've just learned, she learned over two decades or three decades to just bury them. And now they're coming out in full force because now she's trying to create her own new home or marriage.

It could be a bunch of different things. What counseling will do is let y'all practice relationship with a third party. It'll let you say things or that person will ask questions that you might either haven't thought of or um, you've thought of you just don't feel like you can say it but when somebody asks you in a In a therapeutic context and you can say it and be like, hey, they asked me I'm, not just throwing grenades at you. They wanted to know what was in in the suitcase And it makes it um, it's an easier way to have that conversation, but y'all get to practice saying something She gets to practice saying something hard, you hearing it. And then you get to practice breathing through it and asking how

you can help be a part of the solution, et cetera. Does that make sense? So I look at therapy as relational practice. It's a way to re-engage connectivity. It does, I mean, it breaks my heart that she's like, I'll do it, but it's a waste of our time and money. Like if I'm you, I'd be like, well, crap, should I even do even do this i think you should it sounds like there's something else here um here's how i would have that conversation i would tell her i would ask her point blank are you finished with this marriage just point blank are you done and i'm kind of asked her similar before and she's just kind of been like i don't know okay like it's not looking good but she hasn't like i guess fully tell her that's that to me

is not is is again is holding you underwater and you haven't started fighting yet in fact you took the easy you moved out you love her so much you want her to be comfortable so much you just took off which good for you. That was noble. I'm walking away from a fight in the bar. Y'all have a great night. I'm out of here. Good for you.

But that can't go on forever. And so this whole, I don't know, man, I just don't know. Man, you're going to get paper served on you and you're going to get blindsided again. And so I'd sit down and say, are you done with the marriage? And this whole, I just don't know yet. That to me is not a good answer. Okay.

Like, if you're in, then we're going to go to counseling. We're going to try to make this thing work. If you are done, have the courage to say, I want to end our marriage and I'm going to do it. I'm going to file for divorce from you and I'm going to do it. I'm going to file for divorce from you

and I'm going to end this thing. That would be, I don't like that for you. I hate that for you. I hate that for both of you, but to do anything other than that is just cruel. I just need to find myself and I need to go on a journey. You got married. And so any journey you take from this point forward, y'all take together. Even if you got to go by yourself right my wife goes to her counseling on her own i talk to people on my own we're not doing that together but i'm doing that so that i can be well so that i can be the best husband i can possibly be that makes sense i told her like i want to like support her and like you know if she needs anything or what like finding herself looks like, but I don't really know.

She hasn't really said what that looks like to her yet. Yeah, that's somebody that's read a lot of internet articles and has a feeling of, I'll say this. Let me just say this. I don't think I've ever said this publicly in my life. So here we go. It was after my first or second year of marriage. I didn't think me and my wife were going to make it. And I was meeting with a guy, we were in the mountains of New

Mexico. I was speaking at an event and we were, there's somebody that I really, really trusted. And I said, I don't think I should have gotten married. I don't think I was ready for this. And he wisely said, that's how you feel, but that's not true. And in his own wise way, he was telling me there's a difference between reality and truth and your feelings. Our feelings don't tell us the truth. And so you made a commitment and now we're going to get to the bottom of that commitment. We're not going to be led by a nose ring, getting yanked around by our feelings all the time. And you can't discount them. Our feelings are great alarm systems. They get our attention. They point us in directions. So you got to listen to them and you got to honor them and you have to acknowledge them. And so I would tell you is I wouldn't give up on this marriage. I hope she doesn't give up on this marriage, even though she's seven months in and feels like, whoa, I just feel like, go to counseling together. Because at counseling, you'll be able to say, here's what I'm feeling.

And then a good therapist will say, tell me more. And then tell me more. And then tell me more. And where is that in your body? And tell me more. And you get to the crux of it. And that's where the healing will begin. But this amorphous, I don't know, I just got to find myself. Man, close the computer. Go talk to an expert. Close the internets.

Stop reading the whatever, the magazines in the line and go sit down with somebody and say, here's what's happening inside of my heart and my mind and my soul come struggling. Brian, let me know how that conversation goes. Let me know how your counseling goes, man. Cause I want to, I want to, um, I want to walk alongside you guys as y'all, if you'll have me, um, as y'all figure out what's next for your brand new marriage. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change,

and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress.

Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill Certified Home Buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, let's go to Lynn in Portland, Oregon. What's up, Lynn? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. Thank you for calling what's up well okay uh two very important pieces of information you need to know but i forgot

to put one of them in my question initially i have borderline personality disorder okay and i also have a traumatic brain injury tbi what happened uh i got hit by a car when I was 17. Oh, man. Yeah. Is the effects neurological? Are they ongoing? Yes, it's permanent. It was originally labeled as severe. I think when I got a little older, they bumped it down to moderate. Uh, but I do struggle with like memory loss. Um, my, uh, frontal lobe was pretty badly damaged. So was my temporal lobe. So, um, memory decision-making, um, executive functioning in general is not, um, the best. You are an impulsive young lady, aren't you?

Uh, sometimes. I've got to do it right now! Yeah. Okay, so were you diagnosed with borderline before this, or has this been a result of the traumatic brain injury?

So, here's the funny thing. I was diagnosed at six with bipolar two, which they should not have done. I was too young. I was going to six with bipolar two, which they should not have done. I was too young. Good Lord. Good grief.

Yeah. And I ended up going to a mental hospital back in 2020. And that's when they realized, just so you know, you have borderline personality disorder and whoever diagnosed you with bipolar did not do their research. Yeah. So many things here. So many things.

So let's go back. So you had a pretty chaotic childhood? Kind of. Like my dad and my grandmother died when I was pretty young and they were at three months apart. Me and my brother were pretty young. I just started middle school. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. I just started.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I just asked, did you have a pretty chaotic childhood? And you said, kind of. My grandma and my dad died as I was entering middle school. So let's just stop there. You had a very chaotic childhood. Mm-hmm. A painful, traumatic childhood.

Okay. Can we sit on that for one second? Yeah. It was hard, huh? It was. Yeah. It is. Fair?

Yeah. That is fair. What was your dad's name? Chris. Do you miss him? What's that? Do you miss him? What's that? Do you miss him? Oh, every day.

There you go. Okay. So let's, I don't want you to gloss over it. I want us to, let's just, as uncomfortable as it is, let's own reality. Okay? It's hard. And then my guess is your mom struggled a lot, huh? Oh, yeah.

My grandmother, that was her mom. My mom was never the same after my grandmother died. Yeah. Or her husband, right? Well, they were divorced. Oh, good grief. Was your childhood chaotic? Kind of.

I came from a divorced home And then my dad Good night So yes Yes I bet your aces What's your aces score? Have you ever taken that? I've taken what?

Your aces score No I don't even know what that is It's a 10 question questionnaire It's the adverse childhood experiences I want you to take it when you get off My guess is Just listening to you

Yours will be A 6 or a 7 you your body has been struggling to find its place in space since you were very very little fair yeah and i bet as a child you shouldered a lot of i can i guarantee you did because just how you answered the first question, that whether you were wondering why they got divorced, why daddy chose to leave, why mommy kicked him out, what happened to dad, why did grandma die? Like all that as a young kid, you were trying to figure out what you did to make some of those things happen or what role you played in some of those things. Fair? Yeah, sometimes. Okay.

So then you have this traumatic brain injury and what happened were you driving another car were you walking across the road what happened um i was crossing the street and i have to say it partially was my fault simply on the fact that i was jaywalking and i crossed the four lane road and i got to the last lane and i got hit by somebody i went flying over their windshield and, uh, yeah, it almost killed me. Yikes, man. I'm glad you're all right. And so what took you to a, um, to a, uh, psych hospital in 2020? Uh, I was living with somebody, um, my cousin and we were drinking a lot. I mean, I'm talking multiple bottles a day and it got to the point where we were drinking a lot. I mean, I'm talking multiple bottles a day.

And it got to the point where we were just enabling each other. And one day I just couldn't take it anymore. And I was just in a very dark headspace. And I realized I can't do this anymore because if I don't go get help, I'm going to slit my throat or I'm going to do something. I don't know what, but I need help. And I went twice that summer for um, both a three day stay each time, a voluntary fall. I went, I chose to go. Um, so I could leave whenever I wanted. I kind of wish I would have stayed a little longer at the time cause I had the means to do so. Can't say I have that now, but even now,

I think about going back sometimes. Are you still, are you still, um, actively suicidal? Oh yeah. Um, some days are better than others. It kind of depends on, you know, am I taking my meds? Am I, am I in my routine? Little things like that to make a big difference. But some days it just comes on and I'm not even prepared to feel crappy. It just happens. Yeah.

It's really important to me that you call somebody after this and you get checked in. Okay. And that's just cause I love you and I want you to be all right. Okay. Okay. Do you promise that you'll do that? I swear.

Okay. So how can I help you right now? Well, I have gotten to this point where I've been a bit out of control. And by that, I mean, I've been getting more aggressive towards my partner. I've been yelling and screaming and calling him names and getting in his face and just not been a very nice person to him. And it's affecting our relationship pretty badly. And I just don't want to be like that anymore. It seems to be a common trend when I live with somebody, some conflict happens and then we're fighting and yelling and screaming, but I'm usually the one who's fighting and yelling and screaming first.

Well, and that's one of the cornerstones of Borderline, which makes it so hard, is this sense that you feel everything 100x what everybody around you is feeling. So when you meet somebody for the first time and you kind of have like, man, I think she's pretty good looking, man. I kind of like her. You freaking love me. I love you.

I'll sleep with you right now. Right? And then when it's like a disagreement, like, God, that's annoying. You're like, I'm going to burn you to the ground, right? I'm going to kill you and your family. And so it's this, am I right? It's a thousand, it's a thousand X for somebody with borderline. And that's what makes it so hard is somebody who wants to heal. Now I want to hold a big caveat here. You have a traumatic brain

injury. If you've got permanent damage to parts of your brain, this may be something that you wrestle with for the rest of your life. And that's okay. That's just part of it, right? I've got – I had a knee surgery. Like I'm not going to go play basketball anymore. And I loved playing pickup basketball. I'm just not going to do it anymore. I got to – I had to grieve that.

It's a bummer. Now, is that the same thing as like a hippocampal injury or frontal lobe injury? No, you'll have more stuff to deal with, but it's just the cards you were dealt and let's roll with it, right? And so I hope you hear I'm speaking with that light of a, yeah, this is the cards I got, right? And so I'm going to roll with that. I'm not going to go to war against those cards because all that does is make me and everybody around me miserable the challenge for somebody with borderline is i have to choose to feel less intensely i have to choose to begin to parse through our feelings and it feels so good to be in love and it feels so good to be enraged those are drugs right and you have to choose to like get off those drugs does that make sense

oh absolutely it's so frustrating have you been through rounds of dbt dialectical dialectical behavior therapy a little bit um my current therapist who i recently got switched to he oh hey hold on don't be a borderline switcher. Every, okay. Every therapist knows that when you get somebody and they sit down and they go, you're the best therapist I've ever had in my life. My last seven therapists, they all sucked. They were the worst and whatever.

Everyone knows, well, it looks like you've got a borderline here and you just got to hang on for the ride until you turn on them. How many have you been through? Me? Yes. Um, not very many. I have a bit pretty, um, good relationships with my therapist. It always just came down to my last two therapists had a different job or got different jobs and they had to leave. Oh, good. Okay. You just made, okay. I thought you were burning through them. All right. I take back what I just said about you. Not at all. All right. All right. I was wrong. You were right. Way to go. So, um, you got a new therapist and you like him.

Tell me more. He certified. He knows how to do DBT. And he does DBT groups at my doctor's office who hold a lot less intensive of a program compared to like the Portland DBT Institute. But on our last visit, he told me that I should find a way to make some space for a more inpatient, I don't know if it's inpatient or outpatient, but a more intensive program because he's worried about me. He's worried about my impulsivities and all of my out-of-control behavior. We've talked a lot about it.

We've talked a lot about the yelling and the screaming and the name calling and just the outright just piss poor behavior i've been showing lately and it's are you self-harmed me no i mean no i don't like cut or burn myself or do any of that stuff but i suppose i self-harm in the sense of like i don't really dig into my hobbies like i should i just watch tv a lot or do a lot of monotonous activities because it's all I feel like I have time for or the energy for. Why don't you think Lynn deserves peace?

I've been around chaos my whole life. Your whole life. It's hard to feel like I can have some quiet for a change. Yeah. Because when chaos is your drug, peace feels very, very stressful. Oh, yeah. Sometimes.

And it's learning, how do I learn how? This is something you have to practice over time. That's what DBT is. You're going to have to practice feeling enraged and letting it run through you. And then going, okay, what's the reality here? This guy loves me. He's not going anywhere. I am enraged.

I'm going to take a break. I'm going to go for a walk. And that sounds bananas to you right now because what you want to do is hit him as hard as you can. And it's a choice that I want my life to be more peaceful and I'm going to have to practice it. I'm going to have to learn it because I've never even seen it. I don't even know what that, I can say peace all day long.

You're like, okay. It's like trying to explain a dinosaur to somebody who's never seen one. Like it doesn't make any sense. I don't know what you're talking about. And so you're going to have to decide Lynn is worth a less electrified life. And I need you to hear me say, I think you're worth that. Your therapist thinks you're worth that. And the crummy thing about being an adult

and caring about people is we can't make you do that. You have to choose. That's true, yeah. And what I'll tell you is you have exceeded your capacity to handle this by yourself. Not in those words, but you're not the first person to tell me that. Or at least people around me are aware that I'm at a heightened state.

Okay. And that I'm struggling. Yes. Call today. I feel bad, though. My family doesn't always know how to help me. I know. But I always try to tell people, like, I'm not expecting people to, like, have solutions for me.

All I ask is that you sit with me while i'm going through it and i feel like a lot of people have figured that out but i feel like there's some people in my life that haven't quite checked up on that here's here's the hard thing they get to choose that they get to choose that and sometimes our rage and our our lashing out and our yelling and screaming is a way we can buffer sadness. Because our bodies don't know how to feel sad. Because last time we felt sad, dad moved out. And last time we felt sad, grandma died.

And last time we felt sad, dad passed away. And last time we felt sad, mom was just checked out a zombie. And so your body's created some really powerful strategies for not being sad it's a black hole right yeah and you can't go through you can't go down that hole alone i need you to hear me i need you to promise me you will call somebody today i will no say i love lynn enough that I will call somebody and get help today. I love Lynn enough that I will call somebody today when I get off the phone. Thank you.

I'm proud of you. What you're about to embark on is going to be hard, and it's going to be something you're going to have to grind through a little bit, and you're going to be brave, and I'm really, really proud of you. I appreciate that, Dr. Dunn. Is it cool? It's really cool. Are you going to hang up and be like,

that guy's the worst podcaster ever? Because that'd be a very borderline thing to do. God, no, no, no, no. I was surprised you guys even picked my question. I honestly thought it was going to get lost in a sea of a thousand questions. Honestly, I'm quite honored. You're really good at what you do. I'm honored that you trusted me.

I have a deep heart for folks with borderline because it's a tough, tough, tough road to hoe. And the thing that you need more than anything is peace in relationships. And the hardest thing in the world to come by is peace in relationships. And it's hard to be in relationship with somebody with borderline. It's hard. It's hard to love somebody

that is so back and forth all the time, right? You know that. And it's hard to be so deeply in love and to get hit in the face or to be told, I can't breathe without you. That's how much I love you. And then 30 minutes later, it's like, I hate you. It's hard. Yet it is so powerful.

And so I've got a special place in my heart for folks who are struggling with this. And my oldest friend on planet Earth is a TBI survivor, a traumatic brain injury survivor, and so I've got a heart for that. So I'm grateful for you, for your trust, and more so than that, I'm really grateful that you're going to call today and get somebody that's going to walk alongside you, get a whole team. It's inpatient time, and we're going to go spend some time getting some rest and getting the help that we need.

I'm grateful for you, Lynn. We'll be right back. All right, all right. Let's go to Ava in Richmond, Virginia. What's up, Ava? Hi, how are you? I am most excellent. How are you?

I am good. Well, I think I'm good. Oh gosh. So you're not good. It's okay to say it. What's up? Um, so my question is, um, as you know, the holidays, you're dealing with families in laws and, um, we had a trip with my in-laws and I've been with my husband for we're going to be 18 years in February, no, 19 years in February. Congratulations. We've been together forever.

Thank you. Thank you. You have kids? Yes, we have two kids and I mean, we have two kids. And, I mean, we've been through so much together. You're about to say he's your what? He's my high school sweetheart.

Oh, gross. I met him in high school. Gross. Yeah. I'm sorry, but it is what it is. I met him in high school. That's love. I love it. I love it. I love it. And so I fell in love with him and all this stuff because he's a really good, I think he's a good person.

But, you know, throughout our relationship, we've sort of had issues with my mother-in-law's not really nice woman. And I was really, I was when I first started. had issues with my mother-in-law's not really nice woman. Um, and I was really, um, I was, when I first started, I would say a very nice, I,

uh, in my culture, you know, and I think I'm a lot of cultures, but, um, they're very big on respecting elders. Like it's a very, like it's, it's very very, like it's very,

like it's very big. What's your culture? And I'm Ethiopian. Okay, excellent. And so it's very big in that aspect. And so when I met his mom, she would just be the meanest, evilest person in the world.

And, you know, I come... Give me an example. An example is I came home and I was living with her. I came home from finding out that... I'm adopted by the way, so having a

family is very big for me. I came home that I found out that I was already four months pregnant. I knew that. I was happy, but I was having issues. And I came home and I lived with her and she stood there and she speaks a different language from me. But she stood there in front of my husband and said, you know, you killed the baby, right? And I could understand at that time because I've been with him about two years. I could understand Spanish. I'm so sorry.

No, I mean, that's like the nicest thing that she did. No, that um not great and it would be times where i was fluctuating with my weight and depression and you know um of uh and and all these things and so um she would just say like oh you're too fat for my son or she would say like um just a lot of mean things. And my husband saw it. Where is he in all this? He just didn't say anything. He said, that's just my mom and she'll stop. Sister Ava, dude, he needs to step up, man. Oh, so he's definitely, you know, he's...

A coward? Yeah. Yeah. No, dude, he's... He's a coward man he's the first boy hey listen I could care less I'm the first boy in my house

yeah well his father is not in his life so I feel like listen if my mom said that to my wife it would I mean but I wasn't his wife at that time. You were about to be the mom of his baby.

Yeah, but he allowed it. And he's continued to allow it? Hmm? And he's continued to allow it? Oh, yeah. But, you know, over time, I sort of, what he wanted is for me to stand up to her. No! And so that was a little bit.

No, no! That's his job. That's his mom. I know. So that was a little bit, that was the most difficult because in my culture, you're not even supposed to like come to someone that's older than you in that aspect. And so I continue to sort of put my head down. Hold on. There's a cultural aspect, 100%.

You honor elders to the end of time. You go down to the bottom of the ocean on that ship. I get that. There's also something you're not admitting to yourself, and that is your husband is leaving you out to dry Oh, yeah, I would I would tell him that if he was on the phone

I wish he was on the phone because I don't like talking about people in the other room But he's another room. I can get him for you He has got to Say mom we are not coming to your house anymore Because of how you talk to my wife, the mother of my children. Period. Conversation ends. Yeah.

I wish that was that because it just kept rolling and more things happened. And then we'd get over it. I wouldn't talk to her. And I would stand up for myself. And he's like, good job. You're standing up for myself. And he's like, good job. You're standing up for yourself. And, you know, me, like I said, I'm a doctor. I was in so many years of my life where I was not protected by anyone and I didn't need anyone to protect me, but I felt sort of.

Yes, you did. We all do. We all do. I do. We all do. We all do. We all do. And you still do. Yeah, we do. I still do, all do. We all do. We all do. And you still do.

Yeah, we do. I still do. But, um. Okay. So what happened? Did you have a big blow up? Did you go to war? So my mother-in-law, we wanted her to be with us because me and my husband, we, when we traveled, we're like, Hey, we have an extra room. You can stay in that room. You have your own bed, your kitchen, everything. Awesome. And she was fine. And then like when her other kids start coming, she sort of like tends to take things out on me because I'm easy to take out on, you know, I'm not related to her. So it's easy to be mean to me. And so she would just say certain things like oh you know like I love to cook I love to like I just you know I want it I'm very um I think one of the things my husband maybe doesn't like about me is that I'm very I think about others a little too much and maybe I don't think about myself um but I was like, you know, that's probably because he loves you and cares about you and watches you,

you know, drive yourself into the ground trying to be a peacekeeper. Right. All right. Go to it. Go to it. Go to it. We're getting up against the clock.

Go to it. So, okay. So what happened is, um, we had a big blow up. Um, whenever I said something and I,

um, I disrespected my husband in front of her. What did you say? I said, it's really bad. I said, I'm the unlucky dumbass being with you. Kelly says that to me all the time. Well, his mother said something in regards of, I don't want to curse, but she sort of said, you know, she said, I don't want this B-I-T-C-H to talk about my son or treat my son like this now mind you i i take i think me personally out of anyone that they know they know my husband their their brother their son is treated better than their own husband

they know that like i believe everyone in the family knows he is taking care of a lot. This is somebody who is, yes, was what you said mean? Yes, fine. That's somebody who is looking for any tiny, tiny little crack. Yes, yes. To just blow right through it, to knock the whole building down. Yes. So the whole thing is that. I would say this.

If my wife said that about me in front of my dad, my mom, they would laugh and they would say, yep. Nah. Okay. I just want to give you some other context. My parents are great people. My parents love me dearly. But they also trust my wife implicitly. Yeah.

Like a daughter. Not like some weird tumor that's been added onto our family okay so that's how she treats me how can i how can i help so my thing is the whole blow-up happened it got physical because she pushed me oh i pushed her back damn gina y'all in it okay we were it was i've never touched like it was really bad anyways my issue is throughout the trip my husband and me discussed it and i said hey you have to protect me you have to put a pause on your mom even the sisters were telling him like be careful with my like everybody knew and so my question is how do i i told them from now on i don't want his mom in my life that's just it i don't want her in

my life i just don't think I know how to respond when someone attacks. Let me say it this way for you. Your mother-in-law has opted out of your life because you owe Ava safety and you owe Ava peace and you owe Ava dignity and respect. And this person, I don't care if she's a stranger, somebody at the bus stop or your mother-in-law has chosen to physically assault you, to disrespect you, to take your dignity away from you, to make you feel less than on a regular basis to prop herself up and her place in her firstborn son's life and so you're not kicking her out of nothing yeah she has chosen to not be a part of your life because she doesn't treat you like a human being full stop so i don't want you walking around with the burden of guilt and don't let your husband put that on well we can't go because you won't be around mama no your mom has so what do i do then like for my son and my daughter like the

great jay-z says you brush your shoulders off and go on to the next but she's like no what do i do if it's family events sweet if she chooses to if the rest of the family chooses to have her there, then they are choosing to not have you there. And that's fine. That means don't go. If she goes there, don't go there. Why would you go there?

I don't know anymore. To experience violence, to experience disrespect. And listen, you're teaching your kids. Yeah. That's the sad part. Your husband is teaching your kids hey when somebody attacks

your mother or my wife we just keep going back for more we just keep going back for more i don't say nothing that's her problem so i should just like for the relation how do i stay out of the relationship between because i've never been i've always said hey juan you know um sorry hey don can you please contact your mom can you please um you don't need nothing all your mom how she's doing nope he is if he chooses to have a relationship with her great that's wonderful um unless it's not right i mean if he forgets her, that's a choice he's made. You're not his mommy. Yeah, so stop pushing that.

Yeah, I mean, ultimately, it's a non-confrontational. I'm not fighting anybody. Okay. I'm going to tell my husband. I'm going to tell my wife. Hey, I just want, i am drawing boundaries you have told me that this is my fight for my whole life you've never stepped up to help me out so i've i'm choosing how i'm ending this fight i will not go to events if if with with your mother there

she is she is chosen to um not be around me and so she's not going not be around me and so she's not going to be around my kids I can't tell you what to do you're a grown man if you want to go to family get togethers you're welcome to do that my kids I don't feel safe with them there so I can say

it's not crossing the line by saying I feel like I'm hurting someone I don't want to hurt anyone. I just. This is a little girl who's still wondering why her mom and dad sent her away. Yeah. Ava, you are loved.

So it's okay then to say to, and it's not mean if i tell my husband hey you know i you can go but my kids are gonna i don't feel safe with my kids being with her absolutely even if my kids want to go your job my kids want to eat donuts 24 7 365 my job as a parent is that's not safe right it's not good their insides will melt it's like it's it's it's that's my job as a parent is that's not safe right it's not good their insides will melt it's like it's it's it's it's that's my job as a parent my son wants to go ride four-wheelers he's not gonna do that he's you know what i mean like it's not safe and so it's my job and so yes there is a hundred a hundred percent every reason to believe that the animosity and hatred that that woman has displayed to the wife of her son will be transferred to your kids absolutely yeah absolutely yes

no question about it i also think it's very very fair and it might not be the season, but it is very fair. Okay. To tell your husband that you are heartbroken that he never stood up for you. Yeah. Heartbroken. She's not talking to him either. Well, because she's a child. She's a child.

She is a spoiled brat child. Period. Period. Yeah, she's not talking to him because she said, he didn't even stand up for me. He said to her, you're making my life difficult. And she said, oh, my God. He told her that. He told her that. He got so upset and said, how can you go against me? You know, I am your mother.

How can you go against me? You know, I am your mother. How can you go against me? And he told her, I'm not going against you. The kids told me you put your hands on my wife. And then, and then also hurt the little, there was a little girl involved that she hurt. And so I was defending. And so even to yesterday I asked, I said, are you upset at me? You know, cause we're having huge issues now. And he's like, no, I'm not. I'm not upset at you because you defended yourself from my mother. I knew my mother was going to do that to you. I knew when I walked away knowing that. And to me, I guess with that.

That breaks my heart. That breaks my heart for him, man. Yeah, I wish he just sort of. I wish he could just say to me, like, I'm wrong. Like, all I want from my husband is just to say, I have not defended you all this time and protected you as what it should have been my duty. Have you said that to him? Because it's in there now. You've not said that out loud before, have you?

I said it to him so many times and it has been deaf ears and so maybe cool he's left you he's left you to defend yourself great I'm not going anywhere and I want you to um this is gonna be something that you practice, but I want you to say that with peace in your heart. I want you to say that with joy and optimism. Me and the kids, we're going to a water park. We're going to stay in a hotel and we're going to have pizza and movies and just be ridiculous for 48 hours. That's what we're going to do. I would love, love, love for you to join us. But if you want to go there, that's great. Okay. It's disgusting and disrespectful for a in-law to put themselves between their child and their child's spouse.

Yeah. It's one of the lowest forms of immaturity. Because that should be a relationship that parents should be championing and cheering for and lifting up. So glad that you of all people picked my son and I wouldn't have picked you for him. I think you're weird. I think you're not the right culture. I think you're not the right, whatever religion, but my son picked you and I raised a good guy. I trust him. And so he picked you. We pick you. We're all in. That's how that should be. And it should be every single thing I can do to lift you guys up. Yeah.

Not everything I can do to get between you two. You need to remember, I'm the mom here. No, dude. No, it's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong, Ava. And you're not the crazy one. For two decades, you have not been the crazy one. Is it bad or is it wrong that I, throughout this whole time, I thought about her.

I actually thought about how is she doing whenever she left the hotel. I feel so sad for her. Stop thinking that your feelings are bad or wrong. They just are. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What you, what you choose to meditate on.

Yeah. Like if you go down a roll, like a rabbit hole, like I just want the worst for her. I would say that's not right. You know what I mean? No, that's the opposite. I know, I know. I'm just saying. I want more for her i would say that's no that's not right you know what i mean or if you opposite i know i know i'm just saying more for her or if you choose to start sending her emails from a secret account just to harass her that's your actions aren't right okay your thoughts and actions you can judge those your feelings they just come man they come and you have never had permission to feel

yeah and so yeah dude you if you if that's the kind of person you are, oh gosh, I wish we had more hearts like yours. If somebody hurts you and on their way out, you wonder, I hope they're okay. I hope they're okay. That's, that's pouring heaping coals on the head of your enemy, man. Like, cause you, you literally hope, no, it's not bad. It's not good. It's probably not wise to then call and reach out and try to repair that relationship as though you did something wrong. Cause you didn't. Yeah. You popped off about off about her son. Who cares? It's not worth physical violence. It's not worth hurting a little kid. You're good.

You're good. And maybe for the first time, this is a season. How about this? I want you to get a journal. I want you to start writing Ava letters. About how you feel, what you're worth, what you wish had happened, and more importantly, what you need going forward. And these can be some awkward, hard conversation with your husband,

but you need him not to leave you out on an island, emotionally or physically. Y'all are in this thing together. Thanks for trusting us. Thanks for giving me your call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, I just want to thank y'all so much for being with us today. Don't forget, subscribe, pass it along, like, thumbs up, whatever else. Hey, follow me on Instagram too, at johndeloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y. I never thought I would say those words out loud, but I just did.

Follow me on the internets at Instagram. Today's song of the day, I was singing it walking into the booth today, and it just so happens that the first call was asking the same thing. The song's by Foreigner. Kelly does not have this tattoo. I won't lie about it. The song is, I Want to Know What Love Is, and it goes like this I gotta take a little time a little time to think things over I better read between the lines in case I need it when I'm older

I didn't know what that means now this mountain I must climb feels like a world upon my shoulders through the clouds I see love shine it keeps me warm as life grows colder in my life there's been heartache and pain I don't know if I can face it again. I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. I want to feel what love is. I know you can show. That's it.

All right, hey, I love y'all. We'll see you soon.