The Dr. John Delony Show - Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A husband desperate to fix his marriage - A mom of three struggling to find motivation and accomplish her goals - A woman grieving the relationship and life she thought she’d have Lyrics of the Day: "Walk on Water" - Eminem Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Organifi Eight Sleep Apollo Neuro Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Emma, you grew three human beings and you kept them alive. Hey, what's up? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. Some say the greatest mental health in marriage and relationships, dating, parenting, whatever you got going on in your life, YouTube show, podcast. So glad that you've joined us. We're here in Nashville, Tennessee.

And if you want to come visit us, we've got free coffee and cookies and a studio out here where you can come watch the show, hang out afterwards. And if you want to be on this show, and this show is about real people going through real challenges in their life. If you want to be on this show and give me a buzz and we'll sit down and figure out what's the next right step. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291

or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. What, what, what? No, you did everything fine. I forgot. I realized yesterday because we were running a little late as we are today that I did not say do you happen to know who the NFC East champion was?

Do you know who? Oh, the Cowboys? Yeah, I just want to make sure that everybody was clear on that. Now, I realize by the time this airs it could all have gone fantastically wrong.

Hey, but all we care about Or we could be getting ready for the Super Bowl. All we care about is that the Eagles have found their way down the toilet drain. Dumpster fire.

Correct. And to my friend Jalen. Yes, I'm talking to you, Jalen. You've been texting me and blowing me up, asking me what size Eagles jersey Kelly and I would want to wear. Not a chance in hell.

I may have bet that you and I would do that. I have faith, which clearly you don't. Well, we don't play them. We're not right now and we're not slated to play them next week either. We're not going to play them because We're not right now, and we're not slated to play them next week either. We're not going to play them because they're not going to even make it.

They're going to be out next week. And chances are, even if they won this weekend, we're still not going to play them. Chances are. Yeah, right. Chances are. I was about to say, but look at the world around us. Chances are lots of things come true. And, you know, any given Sunday, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, exactly. So I just wanted to make sure we were all clear on who the NFC East champion was. We're all clear. Okay. Go Astros. All right. So if you want to be on this show, if you want to be on this show, 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message.

It can be long. It can be detailed. Sometimes people write out what their question is, and they just read that question over the voicemail. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And you can write in a word document, cut and paste it, drop it in there, and we'll get you on the show. Let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh, by the way, before we go to Minneapolis, please take a second and like, or subscribe to show. It makes such a difference. If you're on the tubes, we've got some pretty audacious subscription goals this year. I want to blow the roof off.

And we did it with social media this year. We did it with the size of the show. We want to do it with our subscriptions to YouTube. So go to YouTube, hit subscribe, and let's knock the top off this thing. All right, now let's go out to Minneapolis and talk to TJ. What's up, TJ?

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course, man. How are you? Doing better than I deserve, I guess. Excellent, excellent. Hi Dr. John Thanks for taking my call Of course man How are you? Uh Doing better than I deserve I guess Excellent

Excellent I like it So what's up man? Um Just calling to See how I can Change my behavior Long term

To Help Save my marriage What's going on? Um There's been some Recent arguments I've had with my wife and come to the point where she's stated that she's weighing the options of divorce

and basically pinnacling from I don't respect her and I don't value her decisions and her opinions and ideas and criticize her too much is she right definitely I would say so so what's the what's the man I guess the logical question is tell me about your reasons for treating her that way. Because based on what you just said, if she was my daughter, if she was my sister, I would say, yeah, dude, I'll help you out. I'll call the lawyer for you. Yeah. In the moments, I guess, I don't think about how she feels about stuff.

Why do you wait till the moment? I don't know. I don't really think about her stuff, I guess. Why do you wait till the moment? I don't know. I don't really think about her opinion, I guess. I don't know if it's a selfish thing or... Yeah, 1,000%. How long have you been married? It'll be 10 years on the 1st of February. Okay.

So this has been going on a long time? Has it always been this way and she just said, I just can't do it anymore? Actually, we talked about that and she did say that when we first met, it wasn't like this at all. We met in high school. We were at a different point in our life than we are now. But then when we first met, I full con collective, never got worked up about anything. And now he doesn't see that anymore. So what's happened in your life, man, that you've become somebody you don't want to be somebody that you didn't

used to be, but now you are. I don't really know. I guess I've had a lot of life changes since that point in my life. And well, we all had life changes, man, but we don't all treat our wife the way you treat yours. As though there's somebody not worthy of us. I guess...

Is she not doing something? Is she not stepping up to the... Here's the deal. I don't care about in the moment. In the moment is an excuse. Like, if I surround... If I go to the grocery store and I buy tons of junk food and I fill my house up with it and every cabinet's full of junk food, and then I wait for a moment when I get mad or when something happens or when a bill's higher than I thought it was going to be, or a paycheck

is lower than I thought it was going to be, or my middle schooler mouths off. In that moment, I've set myself up to fail. Because now I'm going to open a cabinet, there's going to be junk food, I'm going to eat it. Or if I struggle with alcohol, there's going to be alcohol, I'm going to grab it, I'm going to drink it. And so in the moment, in the moment, in the moment, that's not where the focus has to begin. Because in the moment, it reveals the state of things in the moment is just a it's a it's a it reveals the state of things in the moment right right so back me out of this thing man um you've created a world for yourself where you in the moment you are unable to be who you want to be or you choose to not be who you want to be.

Let me say it like that. So tell me about this world. Does she not love you anymore? Does she not care about you anymore? Do you not like who you see in the mirror anymore? She still loves me. She said that she loves me, and it's definitely part of—I don't like who I see in the mirror by the way I act around her and other people too, in some regards as well. I don't know how to fix myself in that way, I guess.

And the fact of, I just see an issue or a problem and I just want to address it. And I don't really take in regard how people think about that. And I just want to solve the problem, I guess. But you don't want to solve the problem of being a better dad or a better husband. Because if it was just that easy to just solve it, that's just who I am. I just like to get in there and solve it. Why don't you just get in there and solve this one? Because I think it's deeper than that. What has happened in the last 10 years of your life that makes you not happy with the life you've created for TJ? I think my expectations for

how I perceive my immediate family should be and how, you know, we should, we should make this much, we should make this much. We should do this much. You should, you know, go to church. We should just trying to set these expectations for what I have. My, my, my kids' room shouldn't be clean. You know, I just have this bar set of where I see our lives.

And then when it, it doesn't line up with my vision of it, I don't know. What is that? What does that imaginary fantasy vision get you? Cause I have a similar one. All my rooms, my kids' rooms to be clean. My family to go to church on my family.

I want to make this much money. I have that too. I have incredibly high standards. Um, I don a family. I want to make this much money. I have that too. I have incredibly high standards. Um, I don't know. When, when I don't see that happening or my vision of that happening, I don't want to say I take it as like a personal attack,

but I guess I, I get on the defensive about of what, why hasn't this been done? Or why would you think that? Or I don't like that idea. So almost every, I'll just cut to the chase here, man. Almost every person I've talked to over the last 20 years in this situation

who puts external metrics on those closest to them, external expectations. I want my kid's room to be clean, my son's room to be clean because I know he has my brain and I know that clutter and chaos will make his day more difficult and challenging I also know that long term for him to be a man who gets things done in an orderly fashion and to become some sort of husband to somebody someday there has to be some man who gets things done in an orderly fashion and to become some sort of husband to somebody someday there has to be some sort of order and some sort of ritualistic cleaning and tidying up after himself that's psychology right i know the data there but it's not i don't carry

it as though it's an affront to my um my self-. I don't look at his dirty room as though I have failed as a father and he has failed me. And almost every time I talk to somebody who lives the way you live is you don't like yourself so much, and you are so bored and exhausted with the life you've created for yourself that the only way you can get out of that is to put all of those negative feelings that you have toward yourself on other people, and you create these standards. And the standards in and of themselves aren't the problem. It's that those standards are signals to you of your worth. Your value.

And if somebody causes your value to be less than, you lose it. Sounds accurate. So I'll ask you, why don't you like TJ? Do you not make enough money? Have you gained a bunch of weight? Do you not like having kids? Do you wish you hadn't been married? Like what? Do you live in the wrong town? What is it about the world you've created that makes you so freaking miserable? I don't know. I think it's just the unrealistic expectations I've set in myself and my family. Forget your family for a second. Forget your family for a second.

What are you failing in? To be honest, it's probably being a good husband and a good father, but that's obviously not my, front of my mind when these things are coming up. Well, if you have created a lie in your head that says, I'm a good father and a good husband because my wife does X, Y, and Z. And I'm a good father and a good husband because my kids, their room is always perfect. Their clothes are always perfect. Their grades are perfect. And if you have outsourced that sense

of I'm a good husband and a good dad to the performance of other people, when they fail in their performance, then you suddenly are a failure. Do you realize how you've made your wife and your kids, your kids, your report card? And that's not their job.

You're right. You're right. Is that fair? Yeah. And, and since I wrote into the show, it's been a little bit, and I've been told from my wife that things have been getting better and I've been criticizing her less

and not dismissing her opinions when it comes to our life decisions as much. Yeah, you're still headed straight for divorce court. Because this is not going to be done by just reducing it to a trickle. You have to change your life. How serious are you about keeping this marriage? 100%. How serious are you about keeping

your kids? 1000%. Do you understand you about keeping your kids? 1000%. Do you understand you're about to lose them both? I do. Okay. How radical are you willing to get? As radical as I need to be. All right.

Sometime this week, probably not tonight, because you need a minute. I want you to take your wife's hands. And by the way, don't read the comments on this because you're going to get a bunch of moronic idiots who have never held a marriage together

and don't know what being a good father looks like, okay? You promise me on that one? I promise you. All right. By the time this comes out, you'll have already done a 30-day challenge.

I'm giving you 30 days, okay? Right. Actually, you know what? I take that back. Tonight, I want you to put the kids to bed and tell your wife you have something important to talk to her about. And I want you to get on both of your knees in front of your wife and hold both of her hands and say, I am so sorry. I'm begging for your forgiveness.

Will you forgive me for the man I've become and the way I've treated you and our children? I'm sorry. No explanations? No, but you know, because just beg for forgiveness because she's walking out the door. Okay? Okay.

That's number one. Number two, I want you to look her in the eye and say, this little act right here means nothing if I don't back it up with action. So I want you both to get up and sit at a table and I want you to get out a pen and a paper and ask her this question. How can I love you? And tell her, I'm not going to respond. I'm not going to speak. I'm simply going to write this down. Here's what we're doing. We are overhitting the pendulum the other way.

There's going to have to be some balance here. But right now, you have to change the way you interact with the most important people in your life. And so this can't pass your algorithms. This can't pass your rational thinking. That doesn't even make sense. But you go by the gas station every day. Why should I fill up your car? I'm going to fill your car up with gas every Sunday night. And I'm going to pray for you and our marriage on the way to the gas station, on the way back. It's going to be an act of monastic service. After the kids are in bed,

after you're in bed, I'm going to get in the car and I'm going to drive. I'm going to pray for you in our marriage. I'm going to fill your car up with gas every Sunday night. And if she says,

when I get home from work, I just want to talk to you. I don't want to be told how dumb I am and I don't want you looking at which things aren't done in the house. And that leads me to number three. Every

time you walk in the house and start to criticize something, you go do it. I can't believe there's dishes left. I'm going to go do those dishes. This isn't forever. This is for 30 days. Because I want you to begin to switch your body's understanding of what being a husband is. A husband is not your wife performing for you so that you feel good about yourself. A husband is about service. And so I want you to begin looking at challenges in your home, quote unquote problems, messes, little things, big things, not as things to point out for other people to fix for you,

but for ways you can serve. You see the flip there? I do. You're still going to notice the carpet that needs to be vacuumed. You're still going to notice the kids' clothes in the corner. But instead of noticing them as wife failures, thus husband failure, you're going to notice them as, oh, sweet, I get to serve my family. I think that perspective would definitely help.

Is that fair? That's fair. Okay. For 30 days, every time you criticize her, you have to send send 25 to the charity of her choice Now that doesn't mean you don't get an opinion in your own home What that means is you have to be a man of strength and bravery and you have to say the word I Not you didn't you have to say I need to come up with a solution about all these dirty clothes everywhere. How can I help? Versus You always leave all the,

you see what I'm saying? See the difference? Definitely. Hey, hon, when I get home, I have this picture in my head that we're going to have, like, dinner's going to be ready to rock and roll, and I know you're running around with the kids.

I know you've got your own job. I know whatever's going on in life. What can I do to help this? See how one is an invitation, a curious invitation, and the other is an accusation and a criticism. Every time you use the word you, you're going to put $25 in a jar or you're going to write a check and you're going to send it to wherever she wants you to send it. Fair? That's fair. Okay. On a daily basis, this is number number four before she leaves the house i want you

to hold her ask her can i give you a hug a long one and i want you to hold her and there's not going to be an roi on this hug that's immediate there's not going to be like i've got 15 seconds not that i'm going to hold my wife and then i I want you to ask her, how can I love you today? And here's what we're doing, dude. We are practicing. Okay. We're practicing. Whenever you see your kid's room messed up and it starts to set off, I'm failing as a dad and those kids need to relax, man. Relax. My office and my house is an absolute nightmare. It's a disaster right now. It Relax, man Relax My office and my house is an absolute nightmare

It's a disaster right now It shouldn't be, but it is And I had an incredible financial year And I wrote two best-selling books over the last two years And I've got a good show My life's okay Your kids are going to be fine Okay?

Okay If I have to make an error one way or the other, I'd rather my kids want to come home and be with me than have had a perfectly made bed their whole childhood. Is making your bed important? Absolutely. Is picking up your clothes important lesson to teach kids? No question about it.

Am I going to burn my relationship with my kids to the ground over that? No way. And that's, and I, I realized that when I'm in those, after I'm in those situations and I just feel guilt after that, like doing their homework with them and I get frustrated and why don't you understand this? And then after the fact that they're just sad and.

So you're going to, here's the number five. I'm giving it to you. You have to begin to circle back and say, I'm sorry, your daddy messed that up. Do you forgive me? And they'll say, it's okay, daddy. And you'll say, no, it's not. Because dad shouldn't talk to their kids like that.

I'm sorry. I know you're trying your best. I remember how hard school was for me too. You see how easy that is, man? Yeah. Like I can feel my shoulders relaxing just saying that. It takes so much pressure off that you have to be this perfect thing

and then you have that guilt and shame. The only way you can feel guilt, the guilt and shame, the only way you can make it go away is to then try to feel powerful again. And the only way you can feel powerful is by beating up on your wife and your kids again. And it just creates this loop that never ends until your wife walks out the door. And so you have to open your hands and let

it go. And you're going to find a strange thing. The more you honor your wife, the more you say, I'm sorry to your kids when you blow up. By the way, I'd have a family meeting where you say i'm sorry to your kids when you blow up by the way i'd have a family meeting Where you say daddy has become very mean And I don't like it anymore and dad's gonna make some big changes around here But sometimes i'm gonna have to just walk away for a minute because that's daddy working on and practicing not being mean And so if I walk away, I want you to know it's because I love you I want you to tell your's because I love you. I want you to tell your kids that.

I want you to tell your wife that. You got to stop the cycle, man. Is that fair? That's fair. Absolutely. Okay. So I've given you the roadmap, dude. I'm also going to send you a copy of my book,

Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's got a roadmap in there too. And my guess is you have built for yourself such a tightly wound life that it is hard to maneuver inside of that thing. And so it's just leaking out on everybody you love. I will say this. I'm proud of you for saying, I've got to do something different

because you don't like criticizing all the time. You don't, You miss your wife. You like sitting there working on homework with your kids even when it's frustrating and hard, but you don't like that look when you say, are you kidding me? How do you not know this? And they just drop their head.

You don't want this either. No dad does. Be with your family, not over them. Be with your family. And when you're going to find a service and leadership, comes underneath people and lifts them up. It doesn't lord over them. I've given you the roadmap, my brother. Hang on the line. I'll hook you up with this book too. Best of luck to you, man. I hope you change everything. I think you can. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body,

but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Alright, let's go out to Toronto,

Canada and talk to Emma. Hey, Emma. Hi. What's up? Um, strange. Um, it's like... I know. All the people I used to date, like in high school. Do what?

Like my virtual and real life just mixed. It kind of did. All through high school and college when I would date, people would be like, oh, this is strange. And so, hey, I'm used to that. So it's okay. What's up? I'm good. But frustrated, which is why I was calling.

Let's do it. And I wrote down my question because I'm not sure I would be able to say it otherwise. Perfect. Perfect. Read it. Read away. So my question is basically, how do I make myself do the things that I want and need to do?

And to explain, I'm 33 years old. And up to my mid-20s, I was always top of my class, had a full scholarship for my PhD, and I was working on it from morning to evening. I'd wake up early, go to the library where I would stay until closing time, then go to a cafe and work until midnight, and I loved it. The library was my home and my community and my safe space. I then met the wonderful man who's now my husband. And in the past seven years,

we got married, moved around a lot and had three sweet little kids. But my kids are all in daycare now. We just arrived in Canada five months ago. So I'm still working on a work visa. So I have time to complete my PhD and other stuff

when the kids are not at home. And yet I just don't work. I'm three years already without a scholarship. My PhD isn't complete. It's a monstrous 600-page research that I'm now trying to edit down. I studied for a teaching certificate last year in order to get a job, but I have one seminar work left to do in order to get that certificate, and yet I'm procrastinating on that too. When my kids are in school, I just sit down

to work, but I end up scrolling through Facebook or watching YouTube or cooking, and then I get frustrated with myself and avoid that feeling through scrolling on my phone, even in front of my kids and my husband. I just seem to be in a constant state of distractibility and frustration and avoidance. I lost all self-respect. I'm lonely. My friends and husband have all gone on to become respectable adults who earn money,

who keep on studying and learning, and I'm just stuck in a rut. I just feel I've done my fault and I'm lazy and useless. So how do I make myself do what I want and need to do? Why am I not letting myself do what I want to do? And how do I get my self-discipline back? You may be one of the bravest people I've talked to in a long, long time. Thank you. And I'll just say say this it's one of my great honors to talk to you thank you man as you described your last uh 10 years

it's it's fascinating to me how you and I so quickly land on very different pictures of what strength and accomplishment and awesomeness, to sound like a high school kid, look like. I've got two PhDs, right? So I can talk from some gut knowledge here. Okay? Yeah. In the last seven years, I've written a few books. And it sucks, right?

You got to get up early and I got two little kids too. So you got to deal with the kids and I'm married and I got a job and then you write in the nighttime, you're on the weekends and all that. Emma, you grew three human beings and you kept them alive.

Yeah, but that's supposed to be the basic. No, where in bloody hell did you get the story that some arbitrary academic certificate was of more global importance, more accomplishment and achievement? Because it's not about the accomplishment. I love the learning. I love the research. I love the study.

I love it when I do it. Do you love it or did you love it? No, I still do. Whenever I manage to make myself sit down and work, I just remember every time why I love doing it. And for some reason, the next day, I can't repeat that trick. It's just beautiful. I mean, I'm working on something so interesting and fascinating and new, and I just... That's why it's got to be 600 pages. I explored every single aspect of it.

I know. But you're a different person seven years later, Emma. I can't stop now. That's not true. It is. It's absolutely not true and here's how I know that for a fact I'm one course short from something

I've never talked about this publicly one course I've had an incomplete for going on five years now every semester I email the professor and say can I get this thing knocked out? And she responds, absolutely, waiting on you. And I don't do it. And it occurred to me recently, my life has moved on. Now, I'm stubborn as a mule. I'm going to go grind it out so I can get this

thing done. And here's what's crazy. I'll never talk about it. No mule. I'm going to go grind it out so I can get this thing done. And here's what's crazy. I'll never talk about it. No one in my world is going to know about it. My wife might. But my life has changed. I have different priorities and different values now. And if I have like a weekend, I got really sick this past weekend. And I read an entire book,

and then a half of another one. Oh my gosh, I loved it. It was heavenly. All right? I had my highlighter out. I read. I laid in bed. I would fall asleep.

I'd wake up and read some more. I took tons of notes, and that's not my life anymore, and I can grieve that's not my life anymore and I can grieve that's not my life anymore give me something I don't want to grieve this one I want to live this one

but I feel like you're at war with your body I am but I want it so badly okay so let's take another track here. What if your body's right? What if it's right? But it's not just the PhD. It's practically everything I need to do.

What is that? When we first arrived and I had to take care of getting my paperwork for my permanent residency that's my husband helped me take care of that paperwork money everything okay but have you given yourself some grace you in adult life where's home not just my PhD where's home not Canada okay far away yeah will you give your body a minute? It doesn't even know the air it's breathing or the ground it's walking on. I can't really.

You know, I'm 33 years old. I've not lived for longer than four years in one place in my life. I've come always moving. I've actually only lived twice for four years in one place. It's not gonna change we're here only for three years okay

well here's what I'm telling you as directly as I can because I love you you're gonna keep hammering it away and I did it I'm I am 10 years ahead of you

or 15 years ahead of you I did it my body said stop then I had a kid I did it. I am 10 years ahead of you or 15 years ahead of you. I did it. My body said, stop. Then I had a kid. Then we lost a lot of pregnancies. Then we had another kid, and my body said, dude, stop for a second. And I didn't.

I almost lost everything, Emma. How did you make yourself do it? If I had to do it over again, I would have done it very, very differently. How? I would have relaxed. I would have taken it... In what way? How? I would have honored the season I'm in. You're 33 years old.

I mean this with all due respect, but you're just getting started. I didn't start my second PhD until I was 35. My mom didn't start hers until she was 42. You got three little kids and daycare. You're in a whole new country. You're unable to work. The government won't even let you work. Yeah, but I don't want to be spending my days

just scrolling through Facebook or listening to YouTube. One million percent. I got you on that one. You're right on that. The only way I found success there is to be draconian. To turn screens off, give passwords to somebody that I care about, get rid of them, delete everything off of them, which is tough if you move countries because that's your lifeline, right?

Yeah. And so I want you to look at your brain as recognizing it is lonely and as scared as it has ever been. And this magic little box is giving you a lifeline to your former life. Yeah. And like heroin, it needs just a little drip. Please. This isn't some big cosmic moral failure on your part.

This is your body trying to adjust. Okay? Yeah. Although, with the news these days. I know. I know. That doesn't do anyone any good either. But can you solve that?

Yeah. I guess I've got to be draconian, as you said. Is there anything Emma can do in Canada with three kids to solve some political challenges back home? No, but I can be helpful here. There are some things I can do to help from here. More importantly than that, there's some things you can do. You can get to know your neighbors. You can make...

Canada, the suburbs, everything's quiet and empty and there's no one on the streets. There's not. But if you go put flyers on people's doors and say, I'm having coffee at my house every morning at six o'clock, somebody will show up.

It doesn't look like it's snowing outside. I know, I know. And that's the story. That's the loop. That's what anxiety and depression do to us, hon. And I'm not diagnosing you. I'm not saying that's what happens, but your brain starts to tell stories

that this is the way it's always gonna be. It's the way it's always been. And then you go through the world looking for what you wanna find. And then you go through the world looking for what you want to find and what you're finding right now, because it justifies the story that you're not enough and you're not going to make it and you're going to quit just like everybody else. And you are grieving your old life, the life that was 24 seven dedicated to your academics, learning, coming up with new ideas, having late night coffee shop conversations.

And that's juxtaposed with, hey ma, hey ma, can I get a snack? Can I get a snack? Can I get a snack? Hurry, let's go kids. Hey, hurry, hurry. Do you have your shirt? Do you have your socks?

Right? In no way are you broken. Do you need infinite less screen time? Absolutely. But I want you to go back and listen to this call. As painful as it is to say this out loud, every time I put something on the table, you instantly have a response for it.

And what that means is your world has gotten increasingly smaller and smaller and smaller, and your grip on things has become so tight that even light and joy and peace can't get in. I don't know how to let go. I know. If I give you some really tiny trite things, do you promise to try them? Yeah. It's not going to sound like what you, it's not going to be what you want me to tell

you. Okay. You promise? Yeah, I promise. Okay. You've been married seven years, so it was 26, 27 when you left wherever you were? Started having babies? Well, we moved around four times since we got married, but we moved country only five months ago. Okay, I want you to write yourself a letter to Emma on her wedding night. Yeah. And I want you to let that naive, wonderful, brilliant young woman off the hook, because she didn't know what the next seven years were going to look like.

Four moves, multiple countries, three children, and I want you to write her a letter that says, hey, I love you, and I know that you're walking on the aisle with this man that you love, who's a great guy, whatever, whatever and that you think things are just going to go as they were everything's about to change and that's okay and I want that to be a lengthy letter

that you spend some time on and I want you to promise me that you're going to start a daily journaling practice period and it starts with Dear Emma Good morning I love you Period. Okay. Okay? And it starts with, Dear Emma, Good morning.

I love you. I know it sounds silly. Number three, I want you to begin to look in the mirror in the morning, and I want you to make a fist when nobody's in the bathroom. And I know as a mom of three small kids, it's almost never, right? But I want you to tell your husband, I get private bathroom minutes.

And I want you to stand in front of the mirror and put a fist in your chest and say, I love this girl. And I want you to repeat that five or ten times. Okay. Okay? Mm-hmm. Okay Okay The fourth thing is Your mission Your singular mission Is to find a friend An in-person human

That you can do life with Whether that's going to coffee shops Whether that's enrolling in a local class That's separate from your PhD just to go meet people. The worst part about the dissertation process is there's no more deadlines. It just is. Yeah. Yeah, that is the worst. And so I think there could be some real benefit to signing up for a class or a course that has a deadline to it, that has people in it, that you show up and you meet and you say hello. And if that fire starts to slowly spark up again, that's amazing. That's awesome. And if you find, I just don't want to. Okay. But you've got to find people. The last

thing I'm going to tell you to do is you have to make daily movement a part of your life, which is very hard in freezing tundra of Canada in the winter. Yeah. I used to run. I can't get myself out of the house now. I know. Do you have the seasonal lights in your home right now? What is that?

You have Amazon there, I'm certain? Yeah. Okay. I want you to get on Amazon and I want you to get two or three light boxes. Okay. For seasonal affective disorder, SADS. When it gets very loud and very cold. I mean, I'm sorry, not very loud. When it gets very loud and very cold, I mean, I'm sorry, not very loud.

When it gets very dark and very cold, your whole body starts to shut down. And turning on very bright lights in the morning has an extraordinary outside psychological impact, a neurological impact that changes your brain chemistry. Okay. Every morning I start my day by going down to my basement and flipping on some of the craziest bright lights you've ever seen in your life.

Wow. And that's only if I can't get outside and see natural sunlight. Okay. I can't go down to my basement. It's too dark here. That's fine. And cold. If you get those bright lights and you get them cranking in your house and your husband

and your kids are going to be like, what are you doing? And you're going to smile and say, I'm bringing the sun to the bedroom. I mean, into our bedroom, into our living room, right? Yeah. Okay. Here's what we're looking for. I want you to keep this in your soul. Write this in your journal.

Little wins. Okay. Little wins. And if that means I'm going to edit one page On my dissertation I want you to give yourself a few weeks before you get back into that I'm going to edit one page And then I'm putting this down Oh but I got on such a roll

I don't care One page Yeah Then the next day do another page Is that fair? I don't care. One page. Yeah. Then the next day, do another page. Is that fair? Yeah. Most of all, I want you to re-fall in love with the woman you used to be in love with, which was you.

You loved the life you built for yourself. You loved the adventure you were on. You loved your research. You loved Emma. Mm-hmm. You loved your research. You loved Emma. And I think you love your husband, right? Yeah. You love your kids? You love your kids, right?

Yeah. They're amazing. Okay. What you don't love is the life you have. Yeah. I want you to find little glimpses of feeling alive again. Okay? You're going to finish the dissertationimpses of feeling alive again. Okay? You're going to finish the dissertation.

I got no question about it. I want to tell you, though, on the other side of it, you're going to get the graduation. You're going to get the new name. You're going to be Dr. Emma. It's going to be awesome. And your kid's going to walk in and go, can I have a snack?

I don't have any underwear. And you're going to realize life just keeps going on. And I promise you this because I've done it twice. And that's with every great achievement, a number one book, the best financial year of your life, all those things, you end up the person in the mirror the next morning too. Hang on the line, I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's going to be my gift to you. I want you to read it. I'll send it up there to Canada for you.

You call anytime where I'm walking with you. I 1,000% believe in you. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Megan. Hey, Megan, what's happening? Good morning, sir. How are you? Good morning to you. I'm doing great. What's up? Well, I was wondering if you can give me some tips or tricks to successfully grieve a life that I thought I would have and accept. Why don't you have it? I don't have it. What's the life you thought you would have right now? I expected that I would get married and around, I'll be honest, I had it laid out.

I just kind of, you know, you take for granted, I guess, certain things. And I just assumed that by 25, 26, I would get married, have the wedding day, and I would have two or three kids between 27 and 32. And that's what I saw. New incomes, minimal debt, family vacations, and life just went a whole other direction. What happened? Where'd it go? Well, I, it's, I, what I tried to, I did not meet anybody

that felt right for a long time. And then I decided at 32, 33, I was like, okay, well, I'll just do it myself. And so I lost 50 pounds to up my chances and I put money away and I. Hold on. Up your chances for what? Artificial insemination. Ah, okay.

So take care of yourself. I thought you were like, I'm getting rid of these dating apps, but you're talking about like, no, I'm going to just become a mom on my own. Okay. All right. All right. Ah, okay. So you take care of yourself. I thought you were like, I'm getting rid of these dating apps, but you're talking about like, no, I'm going to just become a mom on my own. Okay. All right. All right. No, I, I decided, you know, well, I can do this myself. And so I looked into artificial insemination and I was like, okay, I'm definitely gonna need money and I will have better chance at success. If I lose some weight some weight. I did three rounds, and two of them didn't take. One did, but I lost it, which was disappointing. Hold on, hold on.

It wasn't disappointing. That's devastating. Right? Yeah. That was rough. Yeah. Let's don't just be like, oh, well. That's brutal so lots of money lots of time

lots of investment and then okay so then I I met my man I met him and it was that cheesy, weird feeling where it was the fireworks,

but it was also that sense of calm. It was, there you are.. Now, here he is. And over the course of several months, I ended up finding that he actually is, believe it or not, in prison. And he was wrongfully convicted of child molestation. And I know how that sounds. Believe me. You think it? I thought it too. And, I mean, we have been fighting it and here we are six years later and he's lost hope wow this is definitely a different picture than I would have ever guessed for myself so let's have it let's have it I know it's coming no I mean there's nothing no there's nothing coming I mean um I'm gonna put aside the single part because that's

hard that's a mess, especially these days. Especially if you think back to 10 years ago when all of the world's problems were going to be solved through dating apps and all that kind of stuff, that world, which is right when you were doing all this. That world's a mess. So I'm not going to harp on that. But I guess the thing I want you to

really internalize is this is the life you've repeatedly chosen on a regular basis. I agree. It's not a life that happened to you. Does that make sense? Yeah, and it's...

I don't regret my decisions to be with him. I think it's more of like I just, I feel like I always made the right choices in life. You know, I always went to school. I had, you know, the perfect credit score. I had my master's by 30. I took care of everybody. I juggled work and school and took care of grandparents and parents. Like I made all the right decisions. And so then I,

there's this child in me that wants to throw a tantrum and be like, this isn't fair. I made all the right choices. I did all the right things. Here's what you did. Here's what you did here's what you did you got the shiniest pair of tap shoes and the coolest hat and the nicest cane and you've been singing and dancing for everybody for 38 years and so you did all the right things but all those things were things that other people told you were going to make you valuable and worthy here's how I know that you don't care a lot about your graduate degree. People I know who are...

You hear me talk a lot about, we put all the marketing materials, I got two PhDs. I don't ever talk about my master's degree. You know why? Because it was a high five that the school gave me in route to something deeply important to me, which was learning this material. But there was a season

when I just wanted to get a master's because people told me that would make me more valuable in the marketplace. Yeah. I happened to work for a university and I got it for free that was it was like my mom said well it's a free master's no I would tell every friend I have I would tell him that I continued it I'll tell everybody on the planet if you work at a university and they get free graduate degrees of course take one the challenge is you thought it was going to feel differently and that it was going to be the key that unlocked the portal to not like more money or not more whatever it was going to solve you i'm gonna take care of grandma i'm gonna take care of mom and dad i'm gonna go do the next right thing i'm gonna make sure i don't

borrow a lot of money i'm gonna have all these things were supposed to be what made you feel still inside. And they didn't. And my fear is you're waking up at 38 realizing you've been, and even the last six years, I'm not going to fight you on whether I think this, your boyfriend's guilty or not. But for six years, you've been fighting somebody else's fight. And my fear is you've woke up at 38 realizing you made a bunch of choices every day for your whole life.

You never bothered to ask Megan, what do you want to do? I think what I, I, well, I knew what I wanted. I wanted a wedding day where my mom could see me in a dress and my friends and family around. I wanted the relationship with my child, like my mom had with her mom and I have with mine.

I get that. But. And that's gut-wrenching. I'm sorry. I'll tell you, now that I've learned since being in this mess, it's like it's so eye-opening. You know, you just don't know anything about the justice system or the prison system. And you get into it and you're just like, what in the world? Yeah. It's wild.

It's hard not to just to get caught up in it because I mean, it's just, here's, here's my, we thought it would be different. We wouldn't, you know, we thought that we thought that you know i we got a post-conviction lawyer and he was super experienced and found a dozen errors some of which were egregious and constitutional and the court of appeals agreed like if this is true we'll do remedy and we were like, okay, this is going to be over. And it's just, I mean, all this for you with all of it. You are over 38 years. You have mastered the art of taking a left

of saying, look over here. Because looking deep inside the mirror hurts, doesn't it? It was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be different. The only way I can tell you, I can give you a couple of tips and tricks on grieving, okay? Most importantly, I want you to pick up a book by David Kessler called Finding Meaning.

It's the single best book on grief ever written, okay? And there's some important things in there. Whether you're grieving the loss of a life that you wanted or whether you're grieving somebody's passed away in your life or you've lost a loved one, whatever. And you've had a lot of loss in your life. And I can give you a couple of quick things that you can, you know, just for you and the audience here. I'm going to tell you, you're going to have to sit down and own this for your body to metabolize it. And you're so quick to not feel that hurt to move on to the next and to the next and to the next and to the next.

Even just in this conversation. I want you to write 26-year-old Megan a letter. Say, dear Megan Megan I'm sorry and this might sound cheesy but it might be a matter of you sitting on the floor and literally hugging yourself but I want you to envision yourself hugging that 26 year old girl and saying hey this picture that you have it's going to be different yeah I never had time to. No, I want to change your language. Okay. You've chosen not to have time. I want to begin to own these things as choices because otherwise it feels like the whole world is happening to us all the time. And you did take some pretty bold action. I'm going to go

the artificial insemination route. It didn't work. Very expensive. You had lots of dreams. You dreamed about holding that baby. You probably started going through names. You went down that rabbit hole and that's painful. But even in this call, you avoided it. You're like, yeah, that kind of was crummy. No, dude, you got to sit in that for a minute. It feels like a loss. You had a name, right? Oh, I had a few. Yeah.

And I had friends that were like giving me baby stuff already. Of course they were, because they were all in this with you. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe write a letter to that little baby say I would have loved to have been holding you right now I'm sorry we didn't get to meet I know

but this sucks too right yes it's not a slap in the face but this is a slow being held right underwater and you can see the light you can barely almost breathe but you just can't the last thing I would tell you to do is to get and you may have heard me say this early on in the show

I used to say this a lot but I want you to get a cinder block of some sort I want you to go to Lowe's or Home Depot get a cinder block and get some duct tape and write it on that cinder block. Was going to be married by 26. Was going to be this, going to have three kids, going to be this. Was not going to have spent six years with a convicted child molester trying to fight the justice system. Had a different picture when I was 38

and I want you to carry that cinder block around your backyard for a little while. It's been some time being really sad and really angry and really frustrated.

And your shoulders are going to ache. Your hands will ache. Your forearms will get really tight and heavy. And then after five minutes, 20 minutes,

however long, until it burns, I want you to throw that thing on the floor, on the ground, somewhere in the back corner of your yard, or out in a field somewhere, and say, I'm never picking that up again. Because choosing to carry that with you only brings misery into today. It does not solve what didn't happen at 27, 28, 31, 33. And the question you have to ask yourself now is, what am I going to do now?

Am I going to stick with this guy? Just be married to a convicted felon forever? Or in love? I am sticking with him. Okay. Then you have to own the choices. Knowing all the ins and outs. Yeah.

Great. You have to, like I'm choosing to be single for the rest of my life. Or I'm not choosing to be single, but I'm choosing to not have another intimate embrace for the rest of my life. Period. I'm not saying that's a bad choice. I just want you to fully own specifically the choices that you make

I'm, never gonna have a family around a christmas tree That's that's the the the you know, the the the The storybook traditional kind you're gonna have family. You have your parents. You have cousins. You may adopt a kid you may have all kind of things but I want you to fully own what that choice means and And I'm not saying don't make that choice, man. But the more you make you stand firm, I'm staying with this guy. And don't acknowledge the cost of that decision. The more your body tries to solve for the gap in the declaration, I will live in this town, in this house, and work this job.

I will stay with this convicted child molester because I know he's innocent. Okay, cool. You get to make that choice. And here is the cost on the other side. Your body, as Vander Kolk says, keeps the score. It knows. That means we don't have anybody to keep us warm in the winter. That means we don't ever have anybody to stroll and

just go shopping. We don't have anybody that's going to surprise us with flowers or ice cream. And that's okay, but that's a choice you have to own. And so when you long for, God, I wish I just had somebody on the couch watching this new season of, you have to go, no, no, no, I picked him. I picked him. And this goes for any relationship, man, I wish I just had a wife that wanted to go to CrossFit with me. I picked her. I wish I had a husband that made more money so I could get the new Tahoe. No, no, no. I love him. I picked him. Start with that letter to your 26-year-old self. Tell her you love her. And tell her you've chosen the life that you wanted, and it's hard. Maybe you don't regret it.

Or maybe you start to keep a cost accounting sheet on the other side and say, all right, if I stay with this guy, here's what it's going to cost. It's going to cost this and this and this and this and this, and all these dreams are going to go away. That's cool. I'm going to grieve them because I wanted them, but it's not the life I chose. I want you to begin to take active role in choosing,

owning your life. I just don't want you to wake up at 58 and go, what did I do? I just let the whole thing slip through my fingers. And by the way, you're 38. You're just getting started. I'm way older than you. Not way.

Kelly is way older than you. I missed a few years older. And if you make some changes, it can all be pretty amazing moving forward. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious

or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, take ownership. Actually, I'm going to do an event with Jocko in a few weeks.

I'm going to high five him and say, great book title. Take ownership. Today's song is by Eminem. It's called Walk on Water featuring the queen Beyonce. Song goes like this. I walk on water, but I ain't Jesus. I walk on water, but only when it freezes.

Why are expectations so high? Is it the bar I set, my arms I stretch, but I can I can't reach a far cry from it or it's in my grasp but as soon as I grab squeeze I lose my grip like the flying trapeze into the dark I plummet now the sky's blackening I know the mark's high butterflies rip apart my stomach knowing that no matter what bars I come with you're gonna harp gripe and that's a hard vikin to swallow so I scrape these as pressure increases like khakis i feel the ice cracking because i walk on water but i ain't no jesus i walk on water but only when it freezes set the bar real real real high and go get it but smile along the way we'll see you soon