The Dr. John Delony Show - Caught My Husband Sexting an AI Chatbot

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife who discovered her husband uses AI for his sexual fantasies A mom angry that her son was slapped by his girlfriend’s mom A man overwhelmed because his pregnant wife refuses to help around the house Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people. Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news. New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I found out my husband was using a anime chat bot to discuss his sexual fantasies. Is it create a character, too, that talks back to him? Yeah. And that character will do whatever he types in that box? Yeah.

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. We've got relationships just hanging on by a thread. all over the planet and relationships are what keep us all tethered together and so man i am invested with all i got to helping people reconnect deep in connections get stronger again and i've

been doing this for two decades sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what do i do now what's the next right move so if you want to be on the show go to john deloney dot com slash ask it's an honor to get to sit with you it's one of my life's greatest blessings and um for everybody who's brave and honest on this show. I'm really grateful. It's got to Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to Morgan. What's up? Morgan, how we doing? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me on. You got it. It's good to hear from you. What's going on? Oh, I'm pretty nervous.

So I'll just cut to it, I guess. Cannonball, yeah. Tuck those knees in and jump all the way off the high dive. We can do it. So I think it was about two weeks ago. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. Take your hands. I want you to squeeze them together as tight as you can. Okay.

Make really big, balled up fists. Okay. Three, two, and then let them loose. Okay. And then take a huge deep breath as deep as you can, all the way in your tummy and in your chest. And hold it in five, four, three, two, exhale. You're safe here, ma'am.

Okay. You're good. Okay, so I would say about two weeks ago, I found out my husband was using a... like an AI chatbot to discuss his sexual fantasies. And I mean, he's been kind of working through an addiction to a type of pornography for a while. And anyway, this is just, I don't know. I feel like it was a new level of betrayal.

Yeah. And I don't know. I just needed to talk to somebody about it. Thank you for calling. Nobody really knows. Okay. Thank you for calling. what did you find

what do you mean I can hear in your voice that you didn't find him just texting jet chat GPT back and forth with some run-of-the-mill sex stuff it sounds like you walked in on or read some things or saw some things

that were pretty troubling Yeah. He really likes anime. And, you know, he and he and I are both, we're both raised religiously. And so, like, generally he does his best to steer clear of anime that is sexual because he knows that he gets, triggered, but then anyway, so it's basically an anime chat bot and

you know, it's like they're having a conversation and it's supposed to be erotic and does it create a character too that talks back to him? Yeah. And that character

will do whatever he types in that box. yeah yeah and we'll cheer him on as he masturbates or does what he's going to do on his side yeah yeah i'm sorry thank you and you hear me say this a lot on the show but i'll tell you directly you're not crazy to have your heartbroken and be disgusted and be weirded out and to also be looking yourself in the mirror in the morning wondering why is a fictitious cartoon robot more appealing than me? Yeah. All of it. I'm sorry.

How long have y'all been together? We're coming up on nine years. You've got kids? We have three kids. How old are they? The 6-year-old and the 4-year-old and the 2-year-old. Oh, man. You're a pretty chaotic house, huh?

Very. Do you work? Does he work? He worked full-time. I just recently started up a side hustle because one of our main goals together is trying to. to buy a house so that we can establish roots. Yeah, and that's a nightmare these days trying to save up for a house, especially in Salt Lake City, geez. Yeah.

Tell me about the past conversations and experiences he's had with pornography. So before we even got married, he disclosed to me that he struggled as a teenager. with masturbation. He didn't really get into pornography until after we were married. And that's one of the things I was very thankful and still am. He's very open with me. He's honest with me and he will come to me and tell me when he's looked things up that he shouldn't have or when he's masturbated or So I really

That was one thing I really appreciate is that he's so open with me about it Instead of trying to hide it Yeah there's there's some there's some that's that can be good But after 10 years together The constant disclosure without any changes in actions or behavior Can leave you carrying a ton of for lack of better words It's like he has this thing that violates his core values. Yeah.

And it violates the values that you two have established for your marriage. And then he comes to you openly and just has a cinder block and says, well, I did this thing that violates what we agreed on. Here, you carry this. I'm going to go back. Right. And then nothing changes. And then a few months later or a year later or two weeks later, he pops back up and says, ah, did it again.

carry this and it's almost like you're so burdened carrying all this stuff you're trying to figure out how does this align with a guy who's like provides for the family maybe he's a good dad he's present with these three little kids whatever and so you have to say things like well at least he's not doing this and at least this isn't happening and it's almost a way that you can excuse all of this insane weight you're carrying. So I guess at the beginning of this call, I want you to at least

exhale and if you can, close your eyes for two seconds and just imagine yourself dropping all of those bricks and center blocks. Just set them down. And then you have to sit there and look at this guy who says he's one thing, who in some areas of his of his life

acts a certain way. Is he a good dad as he show up? He's an amazing dad. Okay. Is he a good husband outside of the fact that he keeps outsourcing feelings and eroticism and play

and fantasies to like pornography and now to an escalate, basically a live pornography, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Literally other than other than the pornography

and masturbation, he's my best friend and we love hanging out and shooting the breeze and we just, there's, I don't know, we're really good together other than that. So let me say this, my best friends in the world don't violate the core value agreements

we have with each other. it's not what best friends do yeah so how did this um when you discovered this how'd the conversation go like i had no idea that kind of thing existed yeah it does yeah and it was i don't know a new level of shock i suppose and um i asked him to stop and um i asked him to stop and to get help and he says he doesn't know if he'll stop okay

and but he is I mean he started therapy two weeks ago right after I asked him to so I don't know I do know that pornography like that changes your

brain chemistry and so I just am hoping to be able to help him get the help he needs to be able to rewire his brain so it's not yeah i wouldn't think of it in that way because that makes it sound like he's forever altered right things are different now there's an exposure in your marriage now yeah and depending on the stuff he was looking at um i'm less worried about like brain plasticity is is extraordinary up and down, like left and right

all over the place, right? I'm more worried about that you can't unsee some of the things that you saw him asking this sexual being in the form of an AI like projection. You can't unsee some of the stuff that you

didn't even know was in your husband's head that he wanted to see expressed that he was sexually excited by. Mm-hmm. It's hard to unsee and unknow that. Yeah. it's disturbing right so you talked about like

I need you to stop I need you to do these things I want you to do something that's going to sound counterintuitive and I want you to reclaim autonomy in this moment because right now you feel devastated right yeah

and reclaiming autonomy happens in a couple of ways it's you taking very serious a pen and a paper and being clear despite the ramifications clear about what you will and will not tolerate in your home and then it's being very clear about what a path back to trust looks like

because this guy blew trust to smithereens not only in pornography you've talked about this a million times not only in him having a, I'm going to call it a digital affair. Okay. He had an affair and a really seedy, disturbing affair. Yeah. Right?

And you creating a path back to what trust may look like, if you have any interest in that. Or if this was the final straw, and when he looked at you and said, I don't think I want to quit. And I'm hearing words like this. I love this AI bot. I'm in love with this thing.

This bot doesn't judge me like you do. This bot will do whatever I ask and you won't, et cetera. However those conversations go. And you being able to say, if we're going to, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm done with this thing. or you saying this is just my husband and he does good in some of these other areas so I'm just going to take it I'd recommend not doing that but you're free to do that you're

an adult or we're in ash I'm going to here's the path back if you want me to trust you if you want to stay married to me if you want to stay present in the lives of your kids all the time here's what trust is going to look like no more screens no more phones we're deleting all the stuff off the, I mean, you're going to, I mean, he's going to have to act like a child. Yeah. Like a teenager who just got caught. It's y'all going to couples counseling. And there's going to be some really tough stuff, which is you being curious, not judgmental,

you being curious about, I want you to teach me, what is exciting about this? He's going to have to do the work to get to the level of shame that he experiences, that it's continually looking for off-ramps, for intimate connection, and all of these not-real ways and avoiding that with you. Yeah. And you're going to have to be honest with him about the grief and the fact that the marriage all had is over now. Do you want to build a new one?

Because you can't unsee what you saw. Do you want to stay married to this guy? I do. Okay. So you're going to have to be very clear about what it's going to take for that to continue. Yeah. You're carrying a lot of shame on his behalf right now. You're carrying a lot of embarrassment.

What if people found out that my husband was looking at this stuff? What if people knew my husband was jerking off to this stuff in our family house while the three kids were playing downstairs? Yeah. And you reclaiming autonomy is refusing to keep secrets. I'm not saying broadcast this. I'm absolutely not saying make a big, long, dramatic Facebook post or anything like, or calling your dad and be like, guess what I'm not recommending that at all. Please don't do that.

Okay. But I'll also tell you, you have to find people that you trust, whether it's a therapist who's bound through licensure to not, to keep confidentiality. whether it's two girlfriends that know you and have stood by you through your pregnancies and through your births and through ups and downs that you could call and say I'm not okay but you carrying this burden around takes your autonomy you're you're playing defense in your life and I want you to switch to offense if you want to fight for your marriage I want to give you permission to fight for it here's what that's going to mean your husband violated things and blew things up and so you walking on keeping all of that secret is weighing you down and it's you saying i'm not keeping secrets anymore i'm not going to bleed on the neighborhood but i'm not keeping secrets anymore because i need to heal from this so that

i can see clearly a path for us to stay married for us to get well together but i you're right to be out of your mind disgusted by what you saw you're right to feel like i think this isn't a fair it is it's It's a digital affair. Absolutely 100% bar none. It's an affair. He created a relationship, a sexually intimate relationship with somebody else. That somebody just happens to be AI.

If people are listening to this and rolling their eyes, I'm telling you right now, AI is good. In fact, I'll say this. Kind of like a twinkie is better, taste better than broccoli, right? it'll kill you but it tastes better than broccoli AI can be better than a person because AI just says you got it

AI just says you're amazing AI doesn't get tired AI doesn't get frustrated AI doesn't have normal emotional rhythms like regular humans do and so it can be better not not better for you but it can it can feel easier let me put that way it can be easy here. Morgan, you're right to say, I don't know who you are anymore. And he's right to look at you and say, I went down a rabbit hole.

I got curious and then I got over my head and now I'm scared of death. The fact that he showed up and said, I'll go see somebody right away. That's cool. But you're going to have to be an integral part of the healing. And you've got to be prepared for him saying, I'm not moving any further. I'm a grown man I can look at what I want to and you're going to have to decide

as a grown woman as someone who's going to protect your children do I want this in my house or not I'll be with you every step of the way Morgan you call me anytime and I'll sit with you I hate that you're going through this

and everybody listening this is our future that we're staring at this right now and so if you haven't had conversations about AI relationships about interactive digital pornography, about anime pornography. By the way, it's already moved to not just cartoons,

but there are AI people that will do whatever you want. It looks like a person. It talks like a person. I mean, it's as real as it can be. They have those conversations now. Because we have started a Manhattan project on an arms race. I'm building this thing.

and it is already everywhere. Thanks for the call, my sister. We'll be thinking about you. You're hurt and your pain, and the violation you feel is very, very real, unlike this digital relationship that your husband thinks he has. We come back, a woman asks how to support her son

after his girlfriend's parent hit him. Yikes, we'll be right back. This show, was sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, this time of year can be tough for all of us. So I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, hey, I'm thinking about you, how are you doing? And we ended up having a great conversation that was hard, but we also laughed a little bit too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage

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for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. I want to invite you to something really cool that's happening this month. Hallow, the prayer app that I use every day, is teaming up with the Bible app and other Christian organizations all over the world for Global Bible Month.

Heading into the holidays, there's no better time to slow down, reconnect with your spiritual life, and bring prayer back into your daily routines. During global Bible month, Hallow will offer a 30-day Bible story challenge. These are some of the most popular stories in the Bible, read by incredible voices that you already know and love like Lauren Daigle, Jonathan Rumi, and more.

And while you're using Hallow, check out their thousands of prayers and meditations, as well as their sleep series that can fill your mind with positive thoughts and stories as you drift off to sleep. Join me and millions of others around the world for Global Bible Month on Hallow. Let's dive into Scripture together. Join now and you'll get three months of Hallow for free at hallow.com Deloney. That's Hallow-H-A-L-O-W.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to Amy in Houston, Texas. What's up, Amy? Hi, how are you, Dr. Deloney? I'm good. How are you? Very good. Thank you. Awesome. What's going on? Well, my son, my 19-year-old son who was in college, he met this new girl and started her

relationship. It seems like the parents are very strict. So when they met him as a friend, they liked him. But apparently they did not approve their daughter to be dating even though she's in college. So when she told them that she's dating my son, they went as far as initially cutting her off to support her financially. And why don't they like your son? I don't know. He's a lovely young man. Of course you say that. You're his mom. Like what reasons is he telling you that they're saying we're cutting her off?

Because they didn't want her to be dating. Oh, so it's just any guy, your son just happened to being the wrong, with the wrong person at the wrong time? Wrong person, the wrong time. And, um, because they did like him with a minute him. Yeah, sounds like it. I mean, um, you don't have to, like, yes, they are. Okay.

But hey, you know what? They're nuts, but they can do what they want to. If she's on their dime, if she's taking money for them, they get to set the rules, I guess. All right, so your son found a girl at college. They started dating. Mom and Dad went B-A-N-A-N-A-S, cut her off, and then what happened? Cut her off. And she's like, you know what, it is what it is.

And she was brave and she was independent. I don't need them. You know, I got full-right scholarship and everything. I made a little bit money for my spending. How do you like them apples, mom and dad? Good for her. Yeah, absolutely. But then that same night, when I met her the first time and learned all of this, the parents went to her dorm where my son had taken her back. And apparently they got into an argument. So she asked my son to be next door while they sorted out their family business.

Then my son next door heard that she got slapped. The mom slapped her. So he immediately opened the door and stepped out. Then the mother slapped my son. Ooh, where I'm from, which is Houston like you, we say, oh, hell no. Exactly. This other mom hit your kid? Correct. Whoa.

Did he call the cops? Well, so I guess the residential, the hall staff did that. Yeah, good for them. The cops showed up. I used to work in housing. I trained them well. Good job, right? So they called 5-0, and then what happened?

Then they asked my son if he wanted to press charges, then he declined. Okay. And then so the father pulled him aside, talked to him even though my son says that he's scared of the father. But they talked him down. And then after that, you know, the girlfriend asked him to leave, which he left and came home and told me all about this. What did the father say to your son? You know, I am not sure. I would find out.

If he pulled him aside and said, hey, my wife is nuts. And that should never have happened. I'm sorry that happened. You're a good kid. I'm getting her out of here. Like, if that happened, that's one, that gives me some information. Doesn't undo what happened, the assault, but it gives me some, a clue. That's true.

If he leaned over and said, oh, you think that's bad, young man. You press charges and I'll find you. I want to know what that guy said. Actually, a good point. So I don't know he said any of what you just described, but he did ask my son for his driver's license, and my son declined as well. So I'm not going to give you my driver's license because at that moment, my son felt threatened. He was afraid of him, and he didn't want him to come and charge in our house with a gun. Yes, all of that, yes.

And it's not he didn't feel threatened. He was threatened because the other adult hit him in the face. Yeah. Yeah. And we don't do this in our house. We don't grow our kids. We never lay hand on our kids. So, of course, when I heard this, I was furious because how dare you, whoever you are, lay your hand on my son?

Of course. But my son, of course, when he was telling me and my husband about this, he immediately defended the girl because I think we put an image in our head is our family values don't match. I don't think this is going to go anywhere. Well, I can tell you, it's probably not. having worked with college students my whole life it's probably not yeah and y'all are right to say i don't want you around her i don't want you around them they're like they're they're unsafe people they're neurotic you don't have one adult okay the only thing i would say is i like if they walked in

and your son was sleeping with their daughter I would say it's wrong that she hit him but I could understand that makes sense it's not right but I could get that if they walked in and they were sleeping together

and dad grabbed your son by the collar and pulled them out in the hallway and said I want all this information from you I would say you can't do that it's against the law You can't put your hands on a kid and demand their license. Who do you think you are? But I would understand.

This doesn't sound like that at all. No. No. Can I tell you this? I always had a rule that I always taught parents of college students and high school students. Mm-hmm. And that is if something doesn't smell right, it may not be right. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So I know you love your son. sweet sweet sweet little son precious son of all the crazy interactions I had with college students over 20 years very very rarely did something like this happen unprovoked I would love for you to circle back and say all right son I've done some thinking and I love you

the story that you're telling me sounds nuts what really happened and he might say it is exactly as I told you and then I would want you to follow up and be like I want you to tell me exactly what that father pulled you aside and said because here's the deal if he pulled him aside and said I want your license because I'm coming for you boy

then I'm going to suggest your son go back and press charges less for this particular moment but I want it documented I want them to know we're not scared of you and we're going to use the legal processes to protect he's going to use the legal system to protect himself. Otherwise, this dad,

this kind of behavior is not going to stop. It's going to roll unchecked. Yeah. Right? And I did work situations that were outside of the bell curve that would have ended up on the news without some intervention.

Okay? So your son's like, I'm worried this guy's going to be out in the parking lot. He's right. He should be nervous. Yeah. But the school, when you're dealing with adults and I know it's weird

it's like he's my precious son but he's 19 so in the eyes of the of the university of the government he's an adult he has to advocate for himself right and that can be a no contact order that can be the parents not welcome on campus

I don't want them on this campus they assaulted one of our students and the school may say we can only do that if there's a criminal record because they can punish they can punish a student, but they can't punish the adults sometimes. They can go through a bunch of matters, but you as a parent can reach out to the dean of students, and by the way, I had parents reach out to me over these kind of issues and say,

this is what happened, this is what this other parent told my son. I want them banned from campus. They can't be there. Okay. And here's the word you use, safe educational environment. Right. This other adult off campus. hit my son in the face.

And they give a simple no trespass. Yeah. And his girlfriend will probably freak out and say, don't do that, please don't, whatever. Or she may say, thank God somebody can do it. And by the way, she can join too and say, this adult, who happens to be my mother, but this adult came into my residence hall room

and assaulted me also, she can file a no contact order against her parents, especially since she's on her. own financially well but after this apparently you know um the parents reach back out to her and uh revoke that so i think they're in speaking terms right now well of course they are they lost their leverage yeah she flexed on them and they backed down like cowards but now here then here's my real question after all of this of course you know i i my husband and i would prefer that they stop going now we didn't tell him that.

We just told him you really need to think about this. Our family values are obviously very different. So I don't know. And he interjects it. Well, it's not her fault. Yes, but, you know, imagine the environment where you grow up. Let me tell you this, mom. It doesn't matter.

If your son's head over heels, he's head over heels, man. He's not considering our family value. You're thinking like, hey, if y'all get married, I'm stuck with this other couple for the rest of my life. He's not thinking like that. he's thinking, man, she looks pretty in this dress and she's fun to go out with. Yes. That's what he's thinking.

So trying to rationalize family values and like 10 years down the road, which is where your head's going. A 19-year-old's not going to get that. He's not going to get that. I guess I can't help thinking, okay, what if one day I have to meet the parents? I don't think I'm going to have a happy face meeting them.

You shouldn't. And if they ever reach out and want to meet you, you can write back it's my understanding that the last time you all met my son one of you hit him and the other one of you threatened him so much so that we had to write a no contact order i'm not interested in meeting right now thank you yeah i'll also tell you this if you let your son know that that's going to be your response if they ever reach out to y'all yeah he may come forward with well, here's what actually happened. Actually, we were hooking up

and they busted us. Yeah. Actually, I thought I heard a slap. I opened the door and I got between her father and her and I said this and this and so he stepped to me. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Right? There's always another side. Gotcha. And such is having kids in that in that liminal space between you're recognized as an adult but you're still a 14 year old right and your frontal lobe right it's just talk talking to your kid about 10 years from now we may have to all have dinner together he's not going to hear that he's over his head he's in love

yada yada statistically speaking this isn't going to work out in a forever relationship but it might we'll cross that bridge when we get there right now i'm going to focus on keeping and my kid's safe, teaching my kid how to act when ego's in the way, making sure my kid is telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth about what happened when that other mom and dad rolled up, did really this crazy mom just come out and hit my kid in the face and dad threatened him or was there something else going on that doesn't excuse behavior but provides a little context. Like, all right, I understand it. It's wrong, but I understand it. what a mess what an absolute mess that would be the next right move and being scared that he's going

to get his heartbroken again here's the truth he probably is he probably is that's the nature of dating that's the nature of being like head over heels that's the nature of trying to figure out let me put this way even if they get married she's going to break his heart and he's going to break hers that's that's love that's connection that's marriage that's all of it it's dating It's making sure that you don't do anything that would keep him from ever calling back out and calling home. And it sounds like y'all have done an amazing job raising a young man who knows. A, if there's somebody in distress, I'm going to go get involved, awesome, and I can call home and check him with my parents. Well done, Amy.

But now y'all got to do the next right heart thing. When we come back, a man asks how to handle expecting twins while feeling unsupported by his wife. We'll be right back. I'm beyond thrilled to announce that Montana Knife Company has now joined my team. For years, I have used one company for every knife I need, Montana Knife Company. These knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. My family and I use these knives in the deepest parts of the woods, in back river creeks, and in our kitchen. When you first pick up a Montana Knife Company knife, you can feel.

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Go to montananinife company.com to see what's available right now. That's montananinife company.combe. Toledo, oh hi. Holy Toledo. Let's go out to Toledo and talk to Corey. What up, Corey? Hi, how you doing? Outstanding, brother. How are you, man? I'm super excited.

Awesome. It's been a heck of a ride so far. Very cool. What's up? Well, my wife and I, we have one daughter already, and we're expecting twins next year. Okay. It's been such a great, thrilling experience so far. It's brought me closer to my wife, and it's just been this moment.

but I cannot help but feel like there's all this weight on me and I can feel it into my chest. Tell me about it. I have to say like I have been like the most stressed in my entire life for the last like month. Like stuff going on in the world stressed, financial stress, missing your wife stressed. Like what are you stressed about, man? I just feel like the amount of things that I have to do, the amount of projects I'm trying to get done around the house, and the amount of things that I have to do on a daily basis,

I'm not getting that good of support for my wife. Tell me more. Okay, here's the one of the challenge, okay? Here's the only challenge you. A, anything you say, I know that you love your wife. wife and I know that she's awesome okay so you don't have to great man you don't have to couch that she's wonderful but she can be wonderful and you can still be struggling at the same time both can be true okay and uh here's the other thing when any anybody tells me all of these things i quote unquote

have to do i always my next move is i want people to be very specific about what is what are the things you think you have to do. And let's go through some of those. Almost always, there's some very real things. The banister is broken. I got to get that thing fixed. I can't afford to hire somebody or I can. I said I've made the call.

There's those kind of things. And then other times, it's more existential, bigger, longer term things. Like, I don't have enough money for a college fund yet. And you're already spinning up about kids that aren't even born yet 20 years from now. Right? So let's hone in on

what are these things you have to do and what is the support you wish you were getting that you're not getting as in as specific as you can. I got a lot of house projects I need to get done before these twins come. Tell me about it. Like what?

Bedrooms, I need to get prepped. I bought my own family home and it hasn't been updated in like 60 years and you can imagine like the amount of like painting and like redoing the floors and it's like I have I progress is so slow yeah and I got handrails I need to replace and I've been doing a lot of work and but it's like I have such little time to do that because I'm actually spending so much of my time doing day-to-day chores okay and I've like my if I feel like if I stop doing any of my daily chores,

everything this piles up. Like I'm, I'm, you're talking about laundry, like what are we talking about? Me and my wife, we've had a mismatch what it came to doing chores. Somehow this has been an argument that we have never solved. and it's more or less for the fact that I take care of my own laundry. She takes care of her own laundry.

But it's like in the last several months, she's had really bad morning sickness. She is nauseous so much of the time. I understand that I'm like, okay, I will take care of everything I can. But I'm at the same time, I'm like, I feel like I'm having to do everything. Absolutely everything. You keep saying these big words, everything, all of it. Like, are you having to cook meals, clean up meals, change diapers, do all the laundry, vacuum the house? Like, when you say everything.

I feel like I'm doing almost the vast majority of the work. Okay. And I'm... And is your wife just laying around watching TV? Yeah. Okay. And I'm like, I'm... I don't mind like...

doing some of these things. Like, I know I do it. Like, I do it with, like, the, that I know I'm serving my family. And, but, like, I, she's not making things easy for me. And I've told her that I'm feeling overwhelmed that I have this long list of stuff that I need to get to. And I'm like, and I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like trying to. to get her to participate and she does help and but it's like like she I don't know how

I really phrase it other than like she never asked me what I need help with okay there it is right there ever there is right there she never like it's like if she ever asked me to do anything I'm immediately up I'm like I'll right now like I like you know it's I'm just struggling for the fact that it's like I I just I just feel overwhelmed it's let me throw two things out here and see if this resonates number one you're working really hard to see and to know and to celebrate your wife yeah and she through her actions isn't caring to see how exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed her husband is not interested in knowing how she can love him today and is not even interested in

celebrating this guy if anything we're going straight to challenge hey you need to do this what happened to here why not this and chores have become the proxy war in your house i'm wondering if recognizing that is chaotic as your life is with one kid knowing that two more are coming and it's not going to be two times the craziness it's going to be a hundred times the crazy if this is not exposing a core fracture in your marriage and you're freaking out and you should be because the thought of this continuing this level of you open your eyes and you think how can i love and serve her today and she opens her eyes and doesn't really care about you at all.

That gets super magnified with two infants on top of a toddler. And I want you to at least exhale with me. And I know it's not as easy as just, it sounds like you've tried to talk about this stuff. I wonder if you all have talked about it superficially. What about this? We've got to get this fixed. I've got to paint this room. You don't even care about that.

Well, I've got morning sickness. You don't even know what's like to carry two kids. just kind of surface level stuff, but this sounds like a guy who is quietly asking himself, do I want to stay in this thing? Because she doesn't care about me. It's just

this problem has just been looming. I know. And then, congratulations, we're having twins. It just exposes. It shines up. bright light on it. It's a

and this has been like the crushing stress and I'm I'm trying to work hard. I know brother and you don't have to defend yourself with me. Okay? And we don't have to like just pile on your wife. I trust you that she's a good wife.

I trust she's a good friend. I trust she's a good mom and that she's feeling terrible because she's trying to make two humans right now. I get that too. The core deeper issue is you don't feel seen and known in your own house.

And here's a good example. My wife had an emergency appendectomy about a month ago, about three weeks ago. Two weeks later, she went back to the ER with a completely different abdominal emergency.

Maybe a week later, I was having to carry a lot around the house. And she was the biggest cheerleader possible. So it wasn't about me having to do a bunch of work. It wasn't about me having to not do some stuff that I wanted to do or needed to do because I need to take care of my wife. I got to get my kids to school. those kind of things wasn't that wasn't staying up all night in in the emergency room it wasn't that

at all it was the fact that i know that she saw me and she knew me and she would say regularly come here and hold my hand i'm just so grateful for you so it wasn't about the work it was about we're on the same team and it happens vice versa yesterday i was out of town speaking at an event and I knew that she carried it all the whole thing kids dinner food the house everything and when I walked in my immediate thing was to head to her and say dude thank you so what I'm hearing you say is less about the stress of carrying it all and it's the stress of carrying it all alone here's a couple of things you can do you can't control her so you have to exhale and let that go like you waking up every day wanting her to be different than she's going to be is a recipe to drive yourself mad what you can choose to do is pull out a piece of paper or you sound like an Excel spreadsheet kind of guy and put every house repair job you can think of have a vomit fest put it all down the little stuff the bigs the quarter round to the ceiling popcorn ceiling i need to scrape off to the new this to refinish all

if they put it all down a piece of paper and then be very honest even if you need to get a buddy y'all go get a drink and go hang out and then you get a buddy and you'll look at this list and say if two twins walked in the door today not ideal but could they live just fine with these unfinished projects and i guarantee you for 95% of projects the answer is yes and you make the choice cool I'm going to do these after the kids are born. It's not what I wanted. It's not ideal, but I'm making myself insane. Or you sit down and tell your wife, I can't be married like this anymore.

I need you to change, and I'm going to change. And that doesn't sound like that's going to be an effective conversation for you and your wife. I would never want to say it like that. I know, but that's where you're headed, brother. I'm telling you. And it gets in this. We are dance. She knows you're unhappy with her.

And either she doesn't want to or she doesn't have the tools or she feels sick because she's carrying two kids. Whatever the thing is, she doesn't know how to come back to you. So she just throws out a verbal, I appreciate you. And that actually puts gasoline on your fire because you start thinking inside, why don't you show it? Why don't you just ask me how you can love me today? Why don't you?

And then you crank the dance back up and you get further from her. She feels it. feel it. Somebody has to stop the dance. And the only person you can actually get to stop dancing is you. So I'm going to send you a couple of things. First thing I'm going to send you is building a non-anxious life, the book. I want you to read it. It's sold hundreds and hundreds of thousands of copies. It's helping a lot of people. I want you to use it as a roadmap for you. Your wife probably won't read it. If she will, that'd be awesome. Okay. I'll send you a link to the audiobook too so you can listen to it while you're doing some of your home project.

number two i'm going to send you a code for my new marriage app it's called together it's in the app store if you don't have an apple device that's that's problem number one for you right there just kidding um but if you got an apple device i'm going to send you a code for it and you can log in and use it and it gives you one thing a day you can do and for everybody else listening i kept it super cheap because i know everybody's struggling financially right now it's 599 and you can add your spouse for free both of you can use it for six bucks a month but it gives each of you one thing a day to do for the other person. Because everybody needs to be seen and known and celebrated and challenged, by the way, in that order.

But we all want other people to do that for us and that's the thing you can't, you have to go first. But your wife could get a text every morning that says, ask your husband how I can love you today. Go give your husband a 60 second hug. Find one thing that's on his plate and just take it off of his plate. Just go do it. then the last thing i want you guys to do is to get away for a couple for a couple hours in the morning and you say we're about to have a brand new marriage we're about to add two more humans to this house how do you want to feel when i come home every day what do you want this marriage to

look like because our old marriage is over we're going to build a new one how do you want this thing to look i don't know all right here's how i would love this to look i'd love this to look i'd love to hear from you. I feel like we're really far apart from each other right now and I miss my girlfriend, I miss my wife. And what I'm finding across the country is people who will wake up

every day and decide I'm going to do one thing for my partner, people who will have those harder conversations about how I can love you today, how can I love you today? What's your picture of today look like? People who do that. Chores take care of themselves, man, people get plugged in. projects get put off or they get finished or whatever

but it's not important more important than us but it's you getting beneath the spinning and the ruminating and they've got to have got to I've got to and really being clear about here's what I have to do there's a huge hole in the floor of the Tyler's new bedroom that they'll drop all the way to the first floor I got to fix that hole I don't have to pull the wallpaper off I'd love to get this done before they come home it's not going to happen

I'm moving on. On and on and on. You sound overwhelmed, Corey. You've got to find a couple of people. You can exhale and put all this stuff out of your head, out of your body, onto paper, into real life conversations. And then ask yourself, what must be true? Moving forward.

Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, folks, big news. If you've listened to my show ever, You've heard me talk about my struggles with sleep. I'm thrilled to announce that I've joined forces with the makers of the best sleep solution that I've ever found.

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What is it? All right. This is from Mariah in Winnipeg. And she writes, it's been a long season of healing around here. My GPS PIN started ringing alarm bells six years ago, and I began my journey to joy enlisting all of the supports. Counseling, your podcast, spiritual advisors, mentors, health and fitness, and somatic release. Dang, dude. What is somatic release?

That's what I did. It's body healing. Your body holds trauma in different places. and it's the worst and it's the best. Oh, all right. So she said, you name it. I've added those tools to my toolkit. I was an over-stimulated mom haunted by childhood trauma

in living and fear of inflicting the same pain on my own kids. I like to say I forgot how to have fun. Fast forward to last night. I had my two oldest kids in fits of belly laughter because I was being spontaneously silly. Thanks for the inspiration to solve for peace. I'm not there yet, but I'm tangibly closer than I was six years ago. my relationship with my kids is benefiting.

Amazing, amazing, amazing. I'll take zero credit for that. I'll take 1% just put it on the table. Give you all the credit. What was her name? Mariah. Mariah. Give you all the credit for actually saying,

I'm worth this, my kids are worth this, and taking the next right step. That's amazing, amazing. Therapy, spiritual advice, health and fitness. Man, doing the body work with trauma healing. That's amazing. I'm proud of you. It's awesome.

And there's few things on the planet more awesome. than being with your kids when they are belly laughing. It's one of the greatest moments in the world. Congratulations. Stay on the path. Love you guys. Bye.