The Dr. John Delony Show - Christy Wright on Taking Back Your Time

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode John interviews Christy on taking back your time. Take Back Your Time - Christy Wright Lyrics of the Day: "Let's Get It Started" - Black Eyed Peas   As heard on this episode:  Conversation Starters BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+     These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, I talk to number one bestselling author and good friend, Christy Wright. We talk about her new book on work-life balance and how it's not even a thing. We talk about the different expectations on men and women, kids, being a husband, a wife. We talk about everything right here. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. We're so glad you're with us today. A show about mental health, relationships, boundaries, parenting. And listen, today I've got a very special guest, a good friend. Her desk is like two over from me here in Nashville, Tennessee. We share a building and we share ideas and she's awesome. Her name is Christy Wright. She's the number one bestselling

author and she's got a new book coming out where she talks about unicorns and magical dust and work-life balance. All three things that are not real, but that, I don't know, the universe says we should have, right? Does the universe say we should have unicorns and dust? I don't think so. I don't know. I probably screwed that up a little bit. But she's here.

It's an awesome conversation. I love talking to Christy. She's really, really wise, and she gives zero crap she tells the truth and i love love love that so stay tuned for my interview with christy wright right here on the dr john deloney show i just tried to say hello and it was like patriarchal comment just doing nothing why what are you doing it's so good he so good you feel good about this no no i'm glad you're my friend i know do you have people that aren't your friend that are scared of you yes do you yes who people i was just on an interview about this and they somehow came up

with the enneagram and i was like eights are not and they somehow came up with the Enneagram. And I was like, eights are not terrifying. Like, for people that are into the Enneagram. Are you an eight? Yes. Everybody thinks they're terrifying. I'm like, they're not terrifying. No, I don't think so. Yeah.

But anyway, yes, people. Yeah. What is it? I don't know enough about this voodoo witchcraft Enneagram. I don't know. Is it, are you born that way? No. Lady Gaga style? Or is it like, could you become it?

I don't know that. I mean, the thing with, if anybody even cares, but the thing with AIDS is there's a trend that you have a wound from your childhood that taught you that you can't trust people. And so your strategy to survive on your world is to not trust people because you don't want to get hurt again. So it's like when you talk about it, you're kind of just showing your wound. It's not so much like something to be proud of. But anyway, you know, they have traits like being aggressive.

I don't know anything about that. I don't think you're aggressive, though. Thank you. I don't think you are at all. I'm passionate. When's the last time you got super, super mad? Like, raged out. Oh, gosh.

Besides this weekend when you were eight miles from your boat ramp and your boat's floating in the middle of the water that's when i was stranded can i ask you this did you look at matt like at your husband and just like this no no no because here's the thing i love a good adventure so i'm like oh how's this gonna turn out i don't know it's gonna be great now i would have not been in good mood if our kids were with us because that is not fun that's just super stressful but because it doesn't like we can I would not have been in a good mood if our kids were with us because that is not fun. That's just super stressful. But because it's us, I'm like, we can figure this out. I just love a good adventure. I'm like, oh, things go wrong.

So you just float in the middle of a lake? Yeah. Yeah, literally. On the other side of the dam from where our house is. So it's not even like we could call our neighbors. I would just be so pissed. Just float in the middle of the lake. Hold on.

Well, so how's this for a romantic date? We're just sitting in the middle of a lake. Hold on. Well, so how's this for a romantic date? We're just sitting in the middle of the lake. This is not how I saw it going. Dang it. But then we did end up driving to our favorite waterfront super country restaurant and saw some awesome sights. Just country people on a Saturday night, line dancing and bad karaoke. It was just so great.

Did you all dance? No. Matt's not a big dancer. I'll work on that. Thanks, that'd be great. That'd be great. But I love to dance. Me and my girlfriend, we'll have girls' nights. We'll go dance.

Well, thanks for being on my show. Yeah. Hey, you've been here seven years, finally had me on. Thanks. Thanks. Whatever. Glad I could make an appearance nine minutes

nine minutes we've been doing this we have no one we have no one on this particular week ah Christy Christy sits over there or

we're like hey can we get some of my co-workers on the show and they're like yeah they're not gonna do your show just call strangers

in America that's not true because I told you, you and I could tag team some phone calls. We are setting that up for sure. We're going to have some phone calls. I got some things to say to your callers. I don't even know what the question is,

but I got answers. Okay, so just so you know, one time I walked out of the show and repeated a call. Christy and our desks are next to each other and I repeated a call that I just had and I was fuming. I was pissed.

And I repeated the call and the only person and I was fuming. I was pissed. And I repeated the call and the only person in that office more mad than me was you. You tell her that! I was like, yes! I was like, give me your phone number. I'm going to call her right now. Let's call her right now. Hey, so you got something big. Let's do this. Let's talk about your book real quick and then we'll

dig into the human behind this book. So dude, you got a new book. Tell me about it. Yeah, it's on a topic that people have a lot of feelings about. So, dude, you got a new book. Tell me about it. Yeah, it's on a topic that people have a lot of feelings about, life balance. Everybody's got feelings about everything. I know. That's true. But, you know, this is so, again, typical of my personality.

It's like if there's like an area of conflict, I don't tiptoe around it. I'm just like, I'm just going to bulldoze right into it. Yes. And here's the thing. People can have all their feelings about the topic of life balance. That's fine. But they still keep asking because it's the number one thing I'm asked about and has been for 10 years. Okay, so it's life balance, that's fine. But they still keep asking because it's the number one thing I'm asked about and has been for 10 years. Okay, so it's life balance, right?

Yes, the guilt-free guide to life balance is take back your time, the guilt-free guide to life balance. And what we're asking, we ask about time management and productivity and efficiency, all that stuff, that's fine. But we've got deeper issues going on when it comes to our calendar

and I want to dig into that. And that's what I talk about in the book. And yes, I'll help you with your calendar and all that stuff, but I love digging into the issue behind the issue of why we feel this way. Why do we walk around all day, every day feeling like we're failing at work, at home? We just feel like we're failing. We have this narrative that we're failing no matter what we do. We're sure we're doing the wrong thing. We don't know what balance is. We're just sure we don't have it. I'm like, I don't know. It feels like something I want to talk about.

I want to fix it. So in this book, you dress head on. So I'm getting the sense that balance isn't a thing. Not in the way that we understand it. So when I'm asked the question, the question is always asked this way. How do you balance it all? Balance is a verb. How do you balance it all? And we've got all the analogies, walking a tightrope, spinning plates, juggling balls. Some balls are plastic, some are glass. Which ones do you let drop? I don't know, John,

all that sounds stressful. You just rattled off like nine crocheted pillows. Well, that's these cliche answers you get from people that we see as successful. And the truth is when I look at jugglers, they don't look real happy or balanced or relaxing in their life. I don't want to do that. It looks stressful and hard. And it also looks like I could do all that. And I've done all that. Walk the tightrope, spin the plates, juggle the balls, and still feel like something's not right in my life. And still feel like I'm not balanced, whatever that means. And so I started asking a different question. What if balance isn't something you do, how you balance it all? What if instead it's something you feel?

What if it's something you create? What if you could be a balanced person in an out of balance world? What if you could create a sense of balance and still be busy? What if balance looks more like this? Being confident in your choices when you say yes to this thing or no to that thing? What if it looks more like, I don't know, just being happy in your life and how you spend your time and shaking the guilt that's been following you around for a long time? I think when we ask about balance, that's what we really want. We just want to be proud of how we spend our time in this one life we've been given. We want to shake this guilt that just haunts us everywhere

we go. And so that is the version of balance I define in the book. And you stole my book title with your whole redefining anxiety thing. I want it to be redefining balance, but we did come up with something else. I don't think balance is about balancing it all as we talk about it. I think we have this pressure to have this 50-50 split between work at home or more common to do everything for an equal amount of time. I'm going to work out and spend time with my spouse and spend time at church and spend time with my kids and spend time at work and also personal goals and time with God. That sounds stressful and it's not realistic. And so the thesis of the whole book is life balance

isn't doing everything for an equal amount of time. It's about doing the right things at the right time. And when you do that, you will actually feel that sense of balance you've been looking for. And that's the kind of balance I walk them through in this book. That's awesome. So I had this thing happen to me the other day. I took my first vacation in forever and we just went to like a KOA, me and my family. And then we went with another family with little kids and we had like a pre-game meeting

where the four of us, like me and my wife and the other couple, we all met and said, what are you looking to get out of How do you visualize this? How do you see this vacation plan out? Well, it was basically, I can be weird and awkward and my wife was trying to prevent

that. So, what do you want to get out of this vacation? What do you want to? can be weird and awkward and my wife was trying to predict i mean trying to prevent that so what do you want to get out of this vacation what do you want to and it hit me in a way that i've thought about this before i've talked about but it never it never hit me and tell me if this circles back here if you see this i think at first blush i wanted to go on vacation so i could do nothing the goal was this illusion of nothing. Okay. And I would go, and I didn't have a picture of it. I just wanted to not be doing these other things. Whatever this is.

Which was food prep and being around people and talking and working. But I didn't have a thing of what we're going to go do. I just wanted to not be doing those things, which meant I just wanted to do nothing. And then I've looked at the idea, like, I can't wait till I retire. I've had buddies that came me on 20 years from retirement I think I don't want to just do nothing and I see a trajectory towards getting to

like my recliner at the end of every day like people just can't they work all day so I can get here and then they can go to bed and repeat it feels like this idea of balance I'm going to run run run run run run run so that I can get to this place where I don't have to do anything. And I realized that doing nothing, all the research tells me is that your body falls apart,

your mind falls apart, your relationships fall apart, and then you just die. Like if your goal is to do nothing, right? Yeah. But I don't know that this idea of balance, this feeling of I'm either getting to a place where I can finally do nothing, or I can do things that I want to do, and there will be no stress or pain or frustration or any... Does it make sense?

What are people looking for when they say, I want balance? Yeah. Yeah. So that's what's interesting, because when I walk through this whole redefining what this could look like, we talk about what would it look like to have a sense of peace, even in a world that's chaotic, or to be confident in your choices, even when those choices are hard. But you make a good point. I was actually just talking to someone earlier today about this. I think sometimes we jump to these conclusions about certain words and we associate them with something being really negative or wrong. So for example, I'm tired, so that must be something's wrong. Or I'm stressed or I'm overwhelmed, or this is a really hard season, so I must be failing.

As if we have this unspoken expectation that life is supposed to be easy and effortless. And we know that it's not in our mind. We know intellectually it's not. But then when things get really hard, we think, oh, I'm failing. This is terrible. And so on. And one of the things, I actually talk about this in the book, but I want to differentiate between just because you're tired doesn't mean your whole world is out of balance. Just because you're stressed doesn't mean your whole world is out of balance. Just because you're tired doesn't mean your whole world is out of balance. Just because you're stressed doesn't mean your whole world is out of balance. Just because you're overwhelmed doesn't mean your whole world is out of balance. Each of those things might be a clue if you felt like that for a decade.

Sure, we might need to figure out what's going on with you. But if you just didn't get sleep last night, you might just need a nap. Or it might mean that you worked really hard that day. Right. That's a good thing. Yes. You might have just had a hard day or you're dealing with a situation you don't know how to deal with. And so when we can separate our conclusions about our whole life from these situations,

then I think it gives us a greater sense of power and it reduces all that guilt. So another example I would use is when I talk about seasons, I've been guilty of this where I look around me and I draw conclusions about myself based on the season I'm in. So as an example, my house is a mess, so I'm a mess and I'm failing as a mom. I'm like, no, I am not a mess. I have three little kids that make a mess every day, multiple times a day. I am not a mess. But if we're not careful, we'll do that. We will draw conclusions about ourselves from our season. And I just want people to know your season is where you are, not who you are. Your season is where you are, not who you are. And so this is

the season you're in. It's the season of difficulty in your job or difficulty with your health or difficulty with a family member. This isn't who you are. But when we begin to separate ourselves, then we can look at, okay, what do I want my life to look like? What's right for me right now? Simple, powerful question. Then when you decide What's right for me right now? Simple, powerful question. Then when you decide what's right right now, then even when it's hard and even when you're tired, you're going, hey, but I'm doing the right thing right now. I'm real tired, John. Like I'm in the middle of book launch. We're in the middle of presale, traveling, doing lots of interviews. I am tired, but I'm also excited because I'm like, I'm doing what's right right now. It's a good thing. Yes. It's a good tired. Yeah, exactly. I'll never understand

we pathologize tired. Exhaustion, yes. But tired means you put it in today. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's a good thing. Yeah. How is this different

for men and women? Well... You've been working with women for a decade, for years. Yeah. So I think that men... Or is there a difference? Well, I don't know.

I mean, all of my thoughts on that are more just kind of, you know, gut intuition. But I have noticed a trend where I hear women say, I'm failing. And I don't hear men say that in that same way. Not from the same place of like, I'm failing as a dad, I'm failing at work, I'm just failing everywhere. Whereas women say that. And they say it and they reinforce it and they all say it to each other that no, you're not, no, I am, but you're not. This narrative that they're failing haunts them. I do think that, at least in my observations, you can tell me if you feel like this, but I think that men tend to compartmentalize easier. Matt seems to be able to compartmentalize a little bit easier, whereas when he's at work, I really don't think he's thinking about us,

which is awesome, because he's at work. Be where your feet are. The more I've tried to practice that, the more balanced I feel where I can actually be present in the moment that I'm in. But I feel like women are often like our mind is in a million places, and often it's in the places that we're not, and then we feel guilty. So I don't know. I mean, do you feel like you can compartmentalize more? I've got several questions on that. I'm taking notes here, industry.

So I used to until I read Terrence Real's work about overt and covert depression, meaning you look at the stats, it looks like on its face that women experience depression. They experience these seasons of guilt, this I'm a failure, way more than men. And what he came out and said, that's absolutely inaccurate. Men demonstrate depression by puffing their chest out, by flexing, by doing, by yelling, by

numbing. And so where a man may not put it out there to the world, they may not verbalize, I'm failing. They'll go have nine drinks and disappear in front of a ball game. They'll go golf all day, all day, all day. They'll go hide. And so it ends up being the same thing. They just, they have different words for it. Yeah. And so it may not be as identity driven.

The identity may not drive them to the ground, but they are killing themselves just the same. Well, when I have given this talk and this content, I've been speaking on this topic to our Entree Leadership audiences from Summit to Master Series, whatever, since 2013. So a really long time, different iterations of it. And even back in the day, years ago, it used to be much more male audience. It hit a nerve. Yep. Big time. Yep.

And so there's something about it that we all – there's something in us that we feel like there, there's something more for us that we need something not to do more, not to run harder and faster, but like something feels like it's not right. And I want to fix that feeling. And I don't know what that is. And that's, I think that we describe it with balance. I need more work-life balance. Well, you could take a vacation. You can take time off. You can leave at five. But if that, if you still have that narrative that you're failing, then it doesn't matter what time you leave work because you're taking that narrative home with you and you're bringing it to work with you the next day. You say this all the time, like wherever you go next, you're taking you with you. And if that story is a story you believe and nurture and fuel and accept and live out of,

well, then the story is what we have to fix. That idea, not just the calendar. One of the things I said the other day that I thought, oh gosh, that summarizes it so well. This is not a calendar issue. It's not just about the calendar. It's about enjoying the life that the calendar represents. I want to help people do that. So how do you help somebody? When I used to travel with work, and now we travel now, I used to, as soon as I'd get on the plane, I'd start writing notes to my kids. I would text my wife. I would start trying to anchor back to where I was because I was guilty that I was leaving Sheila with two little kids. I was guilty I was going to get to stay in a hotel by myself and sleep and all those things.

And it occurred to me a couple years ago, oh, I'm dishonoring whatever group I was going to get to stay in a hotel by myself and sleep and all those things. And it occurred to me a couple of years ago, oh, I'm dishonoring whatever group I'm going to speak to. I am not helping them at home at all. I am making a choice to be more miserable by trying to be having my heart back there, my work over here. So now when I leave the house, I'm out. I am focused on where I'm headed. It feels like there's an industry, there's an ecosystem,

there's air and water that we breathe and swim in directed towards women to make sure you're never where you are. Does that make sense? There's an industry of guilt that surrounds women in a way that I don't feel. Yeah. You should be at home with your kids. And if you're not, why are you at home with your kids? We worked all this time. You should be a vice president of a company. If you're a vice president of a company, You should be at home with your kids and if you're not, why are you at home with your kids? We worked all this time.

You should be a vice president of a company. If you're a vice president of a company, you should be wearing this. Does that make sense? Okay, I'm not going to get into the whole gender thing with this but I am curious. When you travel, do people ask you who's watching the kids? They do with me. They do? Yes. But I yes. Like where are your kids? Where's your family? Yes. No, who's watching the kids? No, the assumption is just my wife is. 100%. I get asked everywhere I go. Who's watching the kids no the assumption is just my wife is 100 i get asked

everywhere i go who's watching the kids i don't know the dog i don't know i just hope they work out like matt never gets asked that matt's never been asked in his whole stinking life who's watching the kids i'm like isn't that fascinating there there i think there is some just the assumption right 100 i think sometimes it's spoken sometimes it's unspoken and i'm not mad about i love being a mom like i love that people, that's great. But I do think that there is pressure there. And I will tell you that that is years ago, I discovered that's where so much of my guilt came from, was always focused on where I was not. So when I'm at work, I'm thinking about my kids. Oh, are they okay? Are they, you know, did I forget this, that? Are they sick? Do they

need me? Then I would go home and I'd be with them and I'm checking email and I forgot to write, to finish that chapter. And, you know, I got to respond to that. So if you are always focused on where you are not, then of course you feel guilty because you're always focused on where you're not. And by the way, you also are completely missing the moment that you're in. So the analogy I use is a car, flip your focus. Instead of always looking through the rear view mirror of what you're leaving behind, look through the front windshield of where you're going and be where your feet are. So I'm just like you. When I walk out the door, bye.

I intentionally channel my focus to what I'm going to. And then when I go home, same thing. It's like I'm shutting this off as much as I possibly can. It allows you to not just be more present. It allows you to experience and enjoy those moments more because you're actually in them now. And by the way, you don't feel guilty because you're like no i'm focused on the thing i'm doing look i'm doing great now i'm gonna go home i'm gonna be doing great then versus i didn't do that i didn't do that i'm leaving that behind you know so tell me tell me about how you grew up

kids mom dad brothers and sisters no brothers and sisters okay only child yeah that explains Only child. Yeah. That explains everything. Go ahead. All of it. I'm going to flip it to you next. My dad and stepmom had a little girl when I was 16. Okay. Had a baby when I was 16. So I did grow up an only child, but I have a half sister now. My mom, single mom, started a cake shop when I was six months old to raise and support me. And my dad was

not in my life from the time that i was eight until i was 14 okay so that drastically shaped me yeah absolutely uh who i was in high school and college and then even after that but i have a great relationship with now i found him when i was 14 and we have a great relationship now um yeah i i mean my parents if you met my parents my mom and my dad, both so similar, like adventurous, spontaneous, entrepreneurial, hard worker to like a fault, like don't know when to stop. It is me. Like it just like, oh, yeah, this Christy makes sense. I'm so I'm so much like what I watched. So how do you how do you live with?

I see this and I feel what that was and I've experienced what that was and I'm going to make I want this to be different for my kids and my marriage and my work how do you balance that well I think it actually I just did there I didn't mean to say balance but how do you how do you filter that yeah so I think one of the things that I have always had a very strong sense of I think strong-willed children have this I was a a strong-willed child. I'm a strong-willed adult, whether Enneagram, whatever you want to call it. I have a very strong sense of ownership over my life. Meaning not like in a territorial way, but I have a strong sense of a right to myself. So if I'm parenting my children in some way and someone judges me, I'm like, well, you

got your own kids. You do what you want with your kids. These are my kids. This is my family. So the reason I bring that up is Matt and I have been very intentional to say, what do we want our family to look like? You talk about this, like visualizing planes for the weekend or whatever. What do we want our family to be about?

And truly my growing up could not have been more opposite for Matt's growing up and both had good qualities, but it's almost like we've come here into the middle where it's like we're going to take the good from my side and the good from his side and the parts we didn't like from each side and try to not do those things and just try to be better. I mean, I think that's what most generations try to do, try to fix the stuff we didn't like. Is that intentionality exhausting? I think the conflict initially was exhausting. It can still be, but initially trying to navigate that and discern that was really hard.

Like y'all did Christmas this way and y'all did house responsibilities this way. And, you know, I mean, the communication around that was exhausting. Now I think it's more effortless because we very much are in a rhythm and we have three kids. We've been doing this a little while. We've been married almost 10 years. Like we've got a rhythm of what we want our family to be about but i think figuring out what we wanted it to be about was hard you know because i don't even know that we knew like what do you mean like like when i when we got married it's like you know in sickness and health we're like yeah great are you ready for kids yeah

totally yeah they're like a dog right but like they just cry more i don't know no we had no idea like we had no idea what we were doing we had no idea you just figured as you go but um hard conversations like we were we were willing well some of us were willing some of us got matt didn't love that but i mean we i mean you know we're different personality styles he's more an introvert and extrovert i'm an extrovert obviously so so what what what when you look at mom you look at dad and then you look at you have three little ones what is one thing you want to make sure they get that stays on that line um i want to say yes more than i say no and that's something i good i got from my mom my

mom was a yes mom like it was like hey let's go get ice cream at you know eight o'clock yeah like she's a she's an adventurous mom like she's spontaneous now i had no rules and i got myself in debt because i didn't even know how money works so there's plenty of like the responsible side that was not her sweet we'll get to the other side yeah yeah but but she was spontaneous and fun it was like live like it was like live like like like live every moment she just has the zest for life i want my kids to have that so so in my is that hard for an eight no that's very i'm eight wings no i'm like i'm no all in okay oh yeah so like when my son says um i don't know i'm probably gonna get hate mail from this but that's fine tolerable filter you're gonna have to well I have to get in line when you're

driving like when we're driving down the road and in my neighborhood's very my in-laws very small safe neighborhood and my son Carter from the backseat yells can I stick my head out the center if I'm like yeah right now my default answer as a tired mom wants me no because I'm tired because because it's just easier but I'm trying to find opportunities to say yes. So when he says, can we go do this thing, that maybe takes a little more effort for me. But it's going to be fun to a six-year-old. For example, let's use a better example. When my son wanted to be Waffle House for Halloween, not a server, the building.

Absolutely. That took some more effort for me to create this cardboard building. I want to be a mom that says yes. And we made that stinking Waffle House and it was awesome. I just want to be a mom that says yes. I can't always say yes. There's plenty of things I have to say no to. But when I can say yes, I want to say yes.

Yeah. I want his childhood to be fun memories that if I could do it, I tried to do it. What's the reverse of that? What's one thing that stops with Christy and Matt? Oh, my mom's going to listen to this. See, my family doesn't listen to my show, so I'm good. I'm psychotic about being on time, picking him up. She was always late to get me.

I'd be the last kid picked up after school. Just so you know, Christy was in the studio today before I was, before everybody was, before Kelly and James and everybody. Christy was in the studio today before i was before everybody was before kelly and james everybody christy was here first uh i wish it translated to everything in life but there was one day truly carter was literally two years old in a preschool and i was gonna be like five minutes late and i cried the whole way there like you could just psychoanalyze that all day but it's like it's it's like that is a we will never be late to pick him up because i don't want him to be the last one like i just remember that feeling yeah so uh there's lists on both sides of all of it right like we've got good things bad things on all oh yeah yeah yeah i'm

so i'm always interested in what what people's what drives people toward what they're running towards and what they're saying no yeah okay so another one my mom is creative entrepreneur. She's like, imagine any movie you've ever seen where there's an inventor. Like she has patents, like the beauty and the beast, the crazy inventor dad, like that's her. So her house was always a mess. And so I'm like weird about keeping my, and I'm not like Monica and friends. I'm not like a, I'm not one of those people. I'm not like a perfectionist. I don't, but because I grew up at a mess, it's really important to me to have straight house, which is extremely hard with three kids under six. So I've had to reduce my expectations of even what's realistic.

But that is something that comes from that childhood place of having a messy house that I wouldn't have friends over. I want friends to be able to stop by, and they can come in. And yeah, that's hard. So on being on time and keeping a clean place, two things. John Deloney's not doing four. Hey, we'll be right back. John Deloney. Whatever, dude.

Whatever the show's called. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body,

but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn

to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. On the cover of this book, you do have your... What? Tell me about the shoes off. It was an accident. It was?

Yeah, we were in between shots. Did you literally, on the cover, when you do the shoot, did you kick somebody? No, that would have been a better story. But we had all these

different shoes. We were taking pictures with all the different shoes and different outfits. And we were in between and i was literally just standing there and then seth started taking photos we're like oh that could be cool like that could be cool with shoes off like oh you know like you know at the end of the day switching gears between work and home and whatever and we liked it so we just tried it a few more times and then got that and i love it and it's funny because i had a friend tell me when she saw that she goes

i was showing her all the covers there was like six we were testing and she said that one's my favorite by far she said because only if you have seen that you understand the freedom of getting home at the end of the day and kicking your shoes off like the feeling of just like okay switching gears like I'm here yeah taking your hat off for whatever yeah James do you kick your your shoes off every day I do but don't you sleep in shoes, don't you? Your next book cover, I want you to be wearing

the Vibram shoes with the toes. Don't you have some of those? Oh my gosh, do you have those? You so would have those. You seem like the kind of guy that would have those. That running book

that got so popular, all my running friends were running barefoot and in the Vibram shoes, even on trails. I'm like, how did they do that? They were incredible,

weren't they? I didn't do it. You didn't do it? Mm-mm. I didn't get in with the trend. I'm like, how did they do that? They were incredible, weren't they? I didn't do it. You didn't do it? Mm-mm. I didn't get in with the trend. I just used tennis shoes. Normal person. Running shoes.

Okay, so you give advice for a living. Yeah. Okay? And you give advice for a living. It's what you do.

I talk. I talk for a living. You talk for a living. All my friends are like, how did you manage this? Know your strengths, people. Exactly. What I've learned is the things that make me successful at work. Like having to deal with a producer that doesn't even listen to and or like this show.

Having Kelly, the associate producer, who literally despises the hour she's in here with me. Or when people are giving you six photos to deal with a photo shoot and you're a writer and you've got editors saying, we want to say it like this. You're like, no, I wrote it like this. And then you're talking to business leaders. What I've learned is the things that make me successful at work, and this is back when I was a professor, this is back when I was an administrator, can melt my family, right? If I come home and I'm always, like Sheila says, hey, I'm struggling with this. I'm like, well, you know,

and I treat her like a collar. I will be sleeping. On the couch. Not, no, not inside at all. In the barn with the chickens, right? How do you balance? Gosh, I need to stop doing that. You just keep doing it, yeah. It sounds like I'm just pitching you. I'm enjoying it now. How do you shift gears I need to stop doing that you just keep doing it

I'm enjoying it now how do you shift gears to get out of the same things that make me successful at my work to now I'm a mom now I'm a wife now I'm a friend so one of the exercises I went through and this actually came out of Entree Leadership Summit last year

I talked for that so that was before I wrote this book I wrote this talk this is the background to it. I think asking people, if you tell people, you know, figure out what matters and spend your life on those things, which is essentially what I'm saying in this book and showing you the steps to do it, that can be hard. People say, well, what does matter? Well, what's important to me? What do I want for my life? They don't know, right? So I said, what if you ask a different question? And I asked this on stage and it really resonated. And then it's something I've been doing, too. Instead of saying, what do I need to do? What do I need to spend my time on? You know, what are my priorities? What do I want? All that stuff, which can be really hard to answer, especially when you're busy and you're in the weeds.

Instead, ask yourself a different question. Who do I want to be? Who do I want to be to my kids? And when I, it's almost this out of body experience of like saying, like looking at myself more objectively instead of who do I think I am? I think I'm failing. I think I'm this, whatever it's like, no, who do I want to be?

And that's another common thing I have seen from at least the women that I work with. They say things all the time. Like I'm not a fun mom. I'm not a business owner. I'm not a runner. And I'm all I can think is says who go do something fun. And boom I'm not a fun mom. I'm not a business owner. I'm not a runner. And all I can think is says who? Go do something fun and boom, you're a fun mom. Go put your idea out there. Go run it into the street. You can fix this right now. So instead of thinking about like,

who do you think you are and living within those labels we put on ourselves or those limitations we think we have, then instead just say, who do I want to be? And so when I wrote a list of who I want to be to my kids, that then determines what I do when I get home, because then I act like the person I want to be. So if I want to be happy, if I want to be fun, if I want to be present, if I want to, then I act out of that intention of that, what I decided I wanted to be. And then what's interesting is I become that because our actions determine who we are. So it's like, I choose who I want to be and act in line with that. And then I just, by default, become that. And it's not perfect at all. No, but it's directional. But if I don't decide that I will come home and like, well, we're doing this and then this and

then this, and you need to get, fix your clothes. Like I would be drill sergeant because at work, I'm so switching gears so fast. Now I've got to do this. Now I've got to write. I'm so task oriented at work. And we run so hard and fast here that like, I would not be present in the moment with my kids. I would not be able to enjoy the spontaneity, enjoy the, when my, when my son takes, I don't know, seven and a half hours to walk down the stairs, which I'm like, how could you move slower? An actual snail could be beating you right now. Like. But it forces you to slow down and just be with them in their world and what's important to them and what sounds fun to them versus your ideas about what should be important and whatever. So I think that question has really helped me.

Who do I want to be? And I can do the same thing at work. You can do it anywhere. Who do I want to be? I read a book this weekend and it was fascinating. And they talked about there's two different brain circuits. And I hate to use those tech or mechanistic metaphors for humans. But so when you use the word I, like I am, I am in, I am, can't believe I said that. I can't believe I did that. I'm late to pick up my kids again. That feeling of in it triggers a fight or flight response. Your cortisol adrenaline, you are in it.

When you use words like you or when you talk to yourself, hey, Christy, you actually solve that problem over there and it doesn't trigger your response. Or when you go future. So two examples of this I've seen is when me and sheila are in the middle of something and i i'm thinking what is happening in my marriage right now and then i come to work and someone says hey can you help me me my wife are and i can go yeah this this and this because when i'm in it i've got a hormonal chemical response to this to fight it or run from it when i'm over here i'm distanced from it my body can doesn't unhook my frontal lobe right i'm in

it i can answer those questions and what you just is a, is a awesome way of distancing yourself from, and it lets you just go, huh, I can be a part of this one and this one and this one. Otherwise, except when I'm in it, I'm gonna start solving this thing, right? Because I gotta, I gotta be, I gotta be fighting it or running from it or freezing with it. And it seems like a gentler way, right? Well, it's interesting that you say that because I think for me, one of the things that is helpful about it is you don't feel held back by who you think you are. Like, oh, I feel like I'm failing or whatever all these things are. But it also just helps you decide that you can become that person.

You can decide who you're going to become and you can do that. And I think that for a lot of people that feel like they're not a good mom or they're failing or whatever, that narrative is not even true. But if you can act in line given moment. And by doing that, it not only steals my sense of balance and all that, but it actually turns me into someone that I don't like. So let me give you an extreme example. Last year at Christmas, I wanted to, like all moms for the record, wanted to get a picture of all my kids in matching Christmas pajamas in front of the Christmas tree. I realized this is a big ask, but I just want to make it happen. Okay. These dreams are real. all the women can relate right now it's like okay guys i'm bribing i'm rewarding i'm you're doing great

here we go i they don't even need to be perfect but just everybody looking in the general vicinity of camera oh no oh no 600 attempts ornaments are flying off conley's kicked his brother mary grace is screaming someone like it's mass chaos and because I'm trying so hard to capture this photo to show what a fun time we're having, I created a situation that is the exact opposite of fun. And by the way, turned myself into someone that I don't like. And so let's use that example. Separate yourself from that. Go, who do I want to be in that moment?

I want to be a mom that's like snapping pictures of what's actually happening. And if we capture one cool, like now my new photo rule is three. I try three times and I quit. And if I get it, great. And if I don't, I don't. And we move on. And those pictures will be equally, if not more fun to talk about in 30 years. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. There's a, do you ever watch the show Little Fires Everywhere? No. Okay. Well, there's a scene, Reese Witherspoon plays Elena, and there's that exact scene where she ends up screaming and cussing at her daughter in front of the Christmas tree, this thing. That's an extreme example, but we all do it where we get caught up in things

that we think are important that are not. But because we're so focused on that, obsessed with that, spending time on that, energy, money, whatever that is, and you can fill in the blank with a million different examples, we become someone we don't like so instead I just want to decide who I want to be someone that I would like that I'd be proud to be

and then just what would that person do how can I act in line with that idea in my head of who I want to be versus reacting to all these unimportant things

that I get caught up in that I think is so easy to get caught up in I love that so who keeps you accountable to that do you and Matt have a code word?

Matt. Who do you allow into your life that says, Christy, we're done? Or do you have that? Matt doesn't have to say it. He has a look. Yeah. He has a look. Does that piss you off, though?

Yes. Because you're trying to get your pictures done? Yes. I'm like, you don't understand. You know what else he does? We'll be at dinner. You don't understand. He's like, I don't understand. You know what else he does? We'll be at dinner. You don't understand. He's like,

I do. What are we doing? We have these codes and he never like, he never like taught me the codes. I just haven't picked up on the codes after 10 years. One of them is a look

when it's like, you're being too much. Like all, all this about the Christmas, like he'll just look like, or he might just go, babe. And I know that look

is like, it's ever, you know what else he does? We'll be at dinner like this. I'm like, let's say a group of friends. He'll just gently place his hand on my leg. And I know that look is like, you know what else he does? We'll be at dinner like this. I'm like this like group of friends. He'll just gently place his hand on my leg. And I know that means I'm being way too loud.

He never told me the hand on the leg means you're being too loud. But I just, I did notice a pattern that I would be at a very loud volume when the hand always came on my legs. I was like, okay, I'll just bring it down a notch. Sheila gives me the, you're being a lot for everyone it's just a it's a pressure on my shoulder and it's just like hey hey and that's uh all the things come out of your mouth you're gonna regret tomorrow and um i don't even think you're you're with us that is so brilliant because he didn't have to say a word yeah it's just it's a it's a look or it's a hand on my leg and i'm like, I know. The first 15 years that happened, I got raged out.

Like, I'm exactly. And now I'm like, you're exactly right. I'm sorry. Well, like if I, when I, you know, I don't know, need to rearrange our side tables or throw pillows for the 400th time. I'll be like, babe, I think they look great. I'm like. That's right.

See, and I would tell Matt to take a dive on that one. Like, let's let him, let him ride, dude. That's right. One time, he came, true story, this was a few months ago. He came downstairs and I go, do you like that side table?

He goes, I do. I also liked numbers four, seven, 19, and 29. I liked all of those side tables. I liked every. All the options

we've had rotating through the last few months. Okay, so what makes you a good mom? What makes you good at momming? Can I give you two things? You can give me as many as you want.

There are two things I really pride myself in that I think will matter later. I hope it does because I'm really trying hard at it. Being present. I know we've talked about that, but I'm with them. You're good at that? I'm in it. Yeah, I'm in it. Whatever story you're telling me, I'm in it.

Also being fun. Their version of fun. I'm not a sit back and watch them play. I am in it. Also being fun. Like their version of fun. So like I'm not a sit back and watch them play. I am in it. Like I am like we are making up games and scavenger hunts and building forts out of cardboard boxes. I'm super creative. So I just want to be fun. Fun and impressive.

What makes you a good wife? Like a good partner for Matt? I, okay, I encourage anything he wants to do. Now, granted, the caveat to that is he doesn't ask for much. So if he's like, I want to take a guy's trip, I'm like, yes, go golf. Yes, buy the fancy smoker grill. Yes, yes, yes. The smoker grill.

I don't know what it's called. The Komodo, whatever they call it. That is, yeah. I just, anything he wants, and he makes it easy because he doesn't hardly ask for anything. You know what I mean? So sometimes I'm like you should you know like I just I really I really try to encourage and affirm him he's one of those people that like he's always like puts everybody's needs before his own he's a deep sense of responsibility like that would be irresponsible like please go go run on do the trail running group go on a guy's trip go golf go yeah I just but I but I that goes both

ways I I want to be able to do that and i want him to be able to do that i want us both to have a healthy other parts of our lives than just each other and home responsibilities all the time what's one thing you're trying to get better at being a mom um typical enneagram eight but my anger like i'm not proud of that but man when you're tired and like they're just screaming and they're just wiping peanut butter on the walls the walls you just clean yeah yeah or my son conley will just like go through a room and literally just like throw everything on the floor like what different bookshelves anything just like just it's like they're just actual tornadoes and and and most

of the time i'm like like you know you read all these parenting books and they're like well just like you know just ask them how they're feeling i'm like i don't want to hear how they're feeling i just every now and then i'll snap and i'll just scream so do you do you get do you get angry at what they did? Do you get angry at that you had a picture of what this was going to look like and now it's different? Like what do you get angry at? Because I find myself there too. And what does that thing come from?

Or is it just your kids demonstrate a how little you actually control in the world like what what's the anger from all all of the above option d all of the above but i will tell you the one that is the most maddening to me is undoing work i've done and i think that's because i'm so tired and so like when i'm really tired and i pick up you know all the toy whatever and they come through and literally just throw it all out. That's maddening because I'm like, I was so tired and dug so deep to be able to do that. Whatever the thing is, fill in the blanks, whatever it is. It could be any number of things.

It's not just cleaning. It's not just toys. It's like anything. I'll get Conley all dressed for the day. And the next thing I know, he's literally just wiping yogurt on his shirt. We're going to go through the whole thing i know he's literally just like wiping you know yogurt on his shirt and i'm like oh we're gonna go the whole thing again that's right yep that that that that cuts me deep because i'm just like i have to do it again like it's it's it you go insane because you're like i'm doing the same thing and getting the same results over and over and over again but

i don't want to i'm trying to do something new but they just... And I find myself trying to do, explain algorithms and there's a child going, huh? Like I don't, what? And you have to go, oh, you're five or you're three.

You don't know what I'm talking about at all. Right, right. What about, what about, like, James just last questioned me in my ear.

Oh, make it a good one. All right, I'll make it a good one here. Let's see here. What's one thing you have okay okay well he has something similar so i would we don't do because he has something similar what are you good at at parenting that's being fun and present i'm acting see what's what is um what's something you two things one you've what's something you've changed your mind on last five or ten years you speak publicly you have a show um a fancy famous show you've got a like jillions of devoted people who pattern their life after you what's one

thing you've changed your mind on and then what's the one thing you have been out in the public sphere and you've come back and be like i think i was wrong on that but you've had to circle back and say i was on stage and i said this a lot and then i don't think i was right on that okay um we'll see the first one i feel like this could even be both of them i get well not the second one um the first one i mean this is getting into like you know just a topic that is super polarizing in our world but um so i grew up in a really diverse high school i was the only white girl on our track team i had a ton of black friends growing up so i never thought i had any ignorance when it come came to race in america like i would have thought I am cultured. If anyone gets it, I do.

Yeah. And it's not like I'm an expert, but when everything was coming out last year about racism and all of the experience of an average black person in America, I would have thought I could see that, I could understand, not like I've experienced it at all, but I didn't feel ignorant. And then I began actively seeking out content, teaching, wisdom, leadership from tons of people that I'd never gotten it from.

Black Americans that are leading in these spaces and teaching. It was just being talked about everywhere. And my eyes were so opened to some of the experiences they had that I never knew they had. Like, for example, even friends that I had in high school, one of my best girlfriends, I look at her differently now going like, oh my gosh, because we never talked about it in the context of our friendship, I guess I never knew it was there. And then I've since brought up some of those topics with my friends,

and I've been like, have you had these types of experiences, or these types of comments, or people know you know just some of the things that I didn't I would have I would have never known I had those blind spots and I did and so it's been very eye-opening to me to learn you know yeah yeah what's something you said from stage 10 years ago that now you think I'd probably do that differently. All of my first three years of talk. I don't know. Here's the perception. Once you get a show, once you get some books,

once you make the bestseller list, which this one for sure will be on there again, you've been number one national bestseller multiple times over. When you do these things that you quote unquote get there right you arrive and people don't understand like the oh my i just said this a lot on a stage on a live stream that it's been being repackaged and sold and i'm talking this about myself here i wish i'd said that differently well i can't get that back right or i i changed my mind i read a new book and I'm like, oh, I was wrong. I just told everybody in this audience to do this.

And I was wrong. And I want to communicate to people, hey man, we're still figuring this out too. Totally. But then I know you and you're smarter than me and you're more on top of stuff. And so you may go, actually, John, I've never been wrong. I for sure have those. I just can't think of anything from a long time ago.

But I'll tell you, just like two weeks ago, I answered a money question wrong on the Ramsey show. Oh, sweet. With Dave too. So I was like, okay, well, are we going to break now? There's that, there's something in my book I wish I could have fixed. So I talk about priorities and I like wrote this pyramid, Tyler pointed it out and I just, I, we were in a crunch time, but I, I talk about putting your priorities in a pyramid, you know, instead instead of like because most people put it like on all on one level like all these things and then you don't know how to make decisions so i'm like you need to make a pyramid and everybody's like asking all these questions about the food pyramid and like well is it the smallest the top the least important because it's the smallest triangle in the bottom oh god i should have just

flipped the ladder i should have made it a lot so you just yeah it's never done the work is never done my work is never done i was like I should I totally should have done a different image because everybody's caught up on like is the most important at the top or the most important at the bottom I'm like

that's exactly what yeah I'm tired just thinking about it alright well hey thanks for being on my show this was fun talking about your family this is the most casual interview

I've ever had I love it I'm gonna come back we're gonna answer calls though for real I can't wait for that I'm gonna set it up with James because I don't trust that you will

but me and Kelly and James will work this out she's the call person yeah see how i did that i'll take the blame that's what i should do right they really just want to go home i'm sorry i can see it on and they're like oh my gosh we stopped talking all right says we wrap up every show with the greatest song of all time and i ask christy right the best-selling author mom incredible wife we're doing the other one. The bass keeps running, right? That's this.

That's the song you picked. That is not that song. Yeah, it's how it starts. Oh, this is it. She doesn't even know the lyrics to her favorite song that she actually had us print out. I was shocked that this is the song you picked, but you know what? Nothing surprises me anymore with Christy Wright. What's your middle name?

Brown now. Brown's my maiden name cbw so this is it off whatever record i don't even know what record this was this is a famous song by the i don't know what record it is i don't know when did this come out james let's get it started listen let's give context when i'm tired as we've talked about extensively, I'll send the Black Eyed Peas to get pumped up. It's good running music or just cleaning the kitchen music, whatever you need. Hear that, America? 2004, the Black Eyed Peas dropped

this lyrical gem on America. Not only on America, on the world. And it fell directly into Christy Wright's heart. And as she said, when she's ready to get pumped up, for making peanut butter and jelly, for running or cooking or anything

that requires pumped upness, boom! This is her go-to. And I'll go ahead and do the honors. Is it cool? I would love it if you would. You want to? No, I want you to go ahead. Black Eyed Peas, let's get it started. And it goes like this.

And the bass keeps running, running, and... Running, running. And running, running, and running, running. In this context, there's no disrespect. So, when I bust my rhyme, you break your necks. We got five minutes for us to disconnect from all intellect. Collect the rhythm effect. I'm feeling pumped up now.

I'm just doing this. So lose an inhibition. Follow your intuition. Listen, free your inner soul and break away from tradition. Because when we beat out girl, it's pulling without Christy. James. Kelly. i feel pumped up i'm ready to go make some lunches go running because i'm running running and running running right here and running running on the dr john deloney show