The Dr. John Delony Show - Connecting with an ADHD Kid (Don't Forget to Remember)

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   17-year-old son with ADHD. He has no desire or drive. He is failing classes and doesn’t care about consequences. How do we help him? Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It - Gabor Maté MD Mom recently asked me to help her open account at our military only banking institution. She has major boundary issues and this could get us in trouble. Lyrics of the Day: "Look Away" - Chicago   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation     tags: parenting, kids, ADHD, divorce, money, family, boundaries   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we take a deep dive into ADHD, especially with teenagers. We also talk to a new wife and an expectant mother on how to draw boundaries with her mom. Stay tuned. What's up? Hey, what's going on, man? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

And I just came in kind of high-pitched, almost like I'm going through puberty. That was a little bit much, everybody. So if you're listening, apologize. You can turn your radios back up. I'm going to talk at a normal volume and at a normal voice register. Hope you're doing well. Thanks for joining us. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show where we talk about your life, mental health, relationships. Man, I'm still kind of tripping out a little bit.

I came in a little hot. What's up? Hey, everybody. I'll do it a little bit different. I'm going to restart ready. Dun-dun-dun-dun. Hey, what's up? Good morning.

It's Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well. That sounded stupid, too. I'm just glad that you're with us. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to talk to you. The world needs what they may not need what you're thinking about, but they probably do. Right? Somebody out there is struggling with something that you're struggling with and your vulnerability and bravery to walk through it on the air is a gift. Right? So give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show and you can be on the show. Fill out the form and we'd love to have you on.

So real quick, we got an email last night. I won't make it us versus you. I'm going to make this all about me, okay? That was me to the booth. Here's the email from Janet. Hello, Dr. John. The first time I heard you say this, I thought it was simply a one-time mistake. I don't make a lot of one-time mistakes. I tend to do the same thing over and over, but I appreciate your heart, Janet. But you use the word frequently, and it's cavalry, army, in parentheses, not Calvary, in parentheses, where Jesus died. You don't need to send in the Calvary where Jesus died, but rather the cavalry, guns and horses and all that stuff.

Pew, pew, pew, pew. Hope you take this in the helpful spirit with which it was offered. You might also note that the PH in the word pamphlet is exactly that. It's not. It sounds like an F, not a P. I just did it wrong. Pamphlet. Pamphlet.

Not. Okay, so now that I'm very popular with your team, I'll sign off. Blessings to you, Janet. You know what, Janet? Blessings to you. You are very popular with your team, I'll sign off. Blessings to you, Janet. You know what, Janet? Blessings to you. You are very popular with the team. They were very happy with your email because they feel like they have been misaligned on this show inappropriately as the grammar police, as the dress code police, as the, hey, will you put your bag down, put your things up, clear up this thing, police, which they are. But you, Janet, you called called it out so here's the thing i would like you all to take

your pamphlets to the cavalry where you will teach the army and those who ride horses and shoot guns and go to the alamo you'll teach some things with your pamphlets do not take your pamphlet to calvary and then if you, you'll be drownded. You might get drownded by the cavalry if you go around reading your pamphlets to everybody. I know I'm really making a great case for why you should go to grad school, because you learn all your right words. You learn all right words so and here's another thing that's driving me crazy today i haven't got a haircut in a long time and my friend buddy pointed out when we lived together back in college that if i don't get my hair cut it grows into a perfect shell like a helmet

and he used to call me chin strap and it would just be like and that was a that was a reminder, hey, I'm going to go ahead and click your Chinstrap because you look like you could run into the side of a brick building with your, I see it's all slicked over like I'm some kind of, I don't know, gangster of some sort from 1844 with a bunch of grease. I don't know, grease. I want to be in social distortion so bad. I was going to say the jean jacket and the poison shirt kind of play up the part i like it i'm just saying my pomade uh did you not catch that subtle reference by the clothing police of which james is also i said i like it you look like it's outsider chic outsider chic

follow me on instagram at outsider chic slash john deloney that's not really a thing all right that's enough of that i'm gonna going to get a haircut this week, and I'm going to be able to run faster because my head will be lighter. All right, let's go to Sarah in Bismarck, North Dakota. What's up, Sarah? How are you? Hey, I think I just mispronounced that.

Is it Bismarck? Yes, it is. Yes. I can read. Thank you. All right, that made me feel better about my life. All right, so hey, what's going on? How are you? I'm good. Thank you. All right. That made me feel better about my life. All right. So, hey, what's going on?

How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Good, good, good. So how's it going? What can I do to help? Well, I have a question about my teenager.

I have a son who is 17. He has an ADHD diagnosis, but we don't have him on medication because we tried a few different ones and had really bad side effects from those. Okay. But anyway, he's really struggling in school right now. He's failing, I think, two classes and D's and a couple other ones and then a C. But we just have really, really struggled with him in school. And he just has no motivation to want to do good in school, to do well. And like, we've tried a lot of different things. And it used to work, you know, we'd threaten to take away his electronics or we would take away his electronics, take away cell phone and he'd work you know do what he had to to get his grades back up so he could get his stuff back and

and now that doesn't even work anymore and it just he just doesn't want to seem to understand why he needs to do good in school and you know other things too i mean he like he has no desire to get his driver's license he doesn't seem to need it he says and i just i don't know how to get him motivated i guess so take me back to your um take me back to are you still married yep take me back to, are you still married? Yep. Take me back to you and your husband, um, y'all's dating and your marriage. What was that like?

Well, actually I, I am divorced from Mason's dad. Okay. Um, I remarried when, um, Mason was five. Okay. And we're still married. We have three other children. So. So is Mason the oldest? Mason's the oldest. Yep. Awesome. So tell me about your, tell me about the dating life. What was it like being a single mom dating with a young kid? Well, you know, it was great. I actually met my husband on match.com,

and he was like the first person that I really dated after Mason's dad, and it was even when we were emailing back and forth, like I just had a feeling that he was the one. And here we are 12 years later. Very cool. So why did you and Mason's dad get divorced? Well, Mason's dad and I, we were high school sweethearts. And so I guess I just kind of felt like the expectation that we would get married. And I guess that's what I thought that I wanted, and looked past a lot of other things, thinking that eventually he was going to grow up and get past the wanting to go out all and wants to be outgoing, doing, seeing, whatever. And I wanted to be a wife and a mom. And those two worlds didn't really go very well together.

He ended up having an affair. We tried to kind of do some counseling and stuff afterwards. But everything was his way or the highway. So I kind of just said, okay, that's fine. Gotcha. We're done. Well, thank you for being vulnerable and welcoming me back there. So how old was Mason when all that went on?

He was two. Okay. And so as we work through this, by the way way and this is for you and for every listener I've wrestled over the past five six seven eight nine years as we talk through these things because it's hard to be honest and it's hard to paint a full picture that offers hope and light without people's natural tendency to want to focus on blame and shame. Does that make sense? Yep. So I want to paint a full picture as I can in just a few minutes here, but I want to

do that with your promise that your goal, your emphasis, you'll end this call with a smile on your face looking forward, not trying to re-edit the story of the past, which is something you can't re-edit. Is that cool? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Awesome. Okay, so when did Mason start checking out? You said you used to be able to threaten him with things,

like I'm going to take this away, or I'm going to, you have to do this or else. When did he finally just say, you know what, I don't care? Probably about a year or so ago. Okay. Talk to me about that. Well, you know, I think like his sophomore year, we were still able to kind of, um, say, Hey, you're going to lose this or you need to do that. But I think, you know, once he, school stopped last year with COVID and then, um, he was home and he actually even started out the school year. Our kids here did go back to school last fall on a hybrid schedule, so like every other day. But they also had the option to do 100% homeschool. And so it gave Mason the option to choose which one, and he chose to do homeschool or 100% distance education or whatever.

And so I would say that during that time frame, it's gone downhill for sure. Yeah. So what is something that Mason loves that he zones in on and he will just lose time um electronics um talk to me right now it's reading on his phone okay talk to me about it what's he reading where does he go What kind of vortex does he get into? Talk me through that. Well, he pretty much stays in his room unless it's mealtime, and it's getting harder to get him to come out for that.

And he just sits on his phone and he just reads. He lays in bed. Last night I think he fell asleep when he got home from school and i went down to his room at nine o'clock and he was i woke him up i'm like mason you're not gonna sleep tonight um so and he i guess i think anime is kind of what he's been reading. Okay. So I'm going to say some things that are not very popular, and I want you to go with me for a minute. Is that cool? Sure. All right.

So the most convincing evidence I have read about the development of ADHD, I reject wholeheartedly that it's a brain disorder. I reject wholeheartedly that a kid's brain is broken if they have ADHD, mainly because I am a card-carrying member of that crew. It's not a dysfunction as it is as much a response. And if we were in another show, I've actually been on other people's shows, if you will, to discuss and argue and debate whether it's a genetic thing or this or that. The most compelling research I have read suggests it is a natural response to maternal stress, a chaotic early childhood, and a chaotic and or power-driven elementary school, middle school, high school years.

And so, it not only doesn't surprise me, it paints me a picture that's both sad and encouraging. Okay. So hear me say that, that when he was his youngest, that at the time that a young child would need the most, and I'm going to keep going back to this one word, connection, connection, connection, the most connection, you were dealing with a major trauma, a person that you had loved and hitched your wagon to for years, suddenly violated a core covenant of yours, right? Yep. And then you had this thing called trust that you trusted yourself, and that guy took that away from you. And the resulting tears and heartbreak and let's work on this and fights in his way, highways, all those things for a little two-year-old or

three-year-old or five-year-old. And then you introduce some other guy to the picture who sounds like he's wonderful and great. I'll go with that. Awesome. All of that is chaos for a little kid, right? Not right, wrong, or indifferent. Well, some of it's not right, but it's chaos. Okay. And so the brain becomes scattered to use Dr. Gabor Mate's word. It becomes, it picks up highly, it picks up different things in the environment. It locks in on some things and it completely ignores others. All in this loop-de-loop-de-loop, it becomes highly, highly sensitive to rejection. Highly, highly sensitive to, am I valued here? And here's where it's hard. Most parents know one technique, and that is power. That is, I am bigger than you. I

am stronger than you. I own your stuff. So you will do what I want. You'll do what I say, or I will take stuff away from you. I will withhold things from you, whether it's you can't play in little league or you can't ride this bike or you can't have your video games or whatever. I'm going to take that away. And that actually works for a season just because you're bigger. I got bigger muscles than you do. Right. And then you run into a wall where there's always a tipping point. Often it's when kids go to college for the first time and they feel quote unquote free. And that freedom translates to a kid who's struggling with ADHD is you don't have to do anything, which then turns into, I don't move. I just eat. I just play video games all day. And then the biochemistry kicks in when your body's got to move and you got to eat healthy

and you got to get out and stop staring at screens and so on and so forth. So there's this power dynamic where you're going to do what I say or we're going to do X, Y, and Z. There's going to be a consequence. And we'll loop back to this because those are important too. You do what I say, there's going to be consequences and it works and it works and it works. And then a pandemic hits. And then a kid gets a weird thing that they've never had before, which is called control. I get to choose whether I go to school or not. I get to choose whether I'm around other people or not. And since school for ADHD kids is often a failure factory, it's often a reminder about how you don't fit in. Of course, I'm going to opt for home, which for an ADHD kid whose brain is screaming for connection is, you know, it's a death gong from an old, you know, from an old kung fu movie.

It rings the gong and all of a sudden you know, uh-oh, it's coming, right? And then over time, the same power techniques, they don't work anymore. And kids begin to just unhook. I'm out, right? And now you're faced with a 17-year-old. And I need you to unhook. I'm out. Right. And now you're faced with a 17 year old. And I need you to know there are millions in your situation. You're faced with a 17 year old who's just unplugged from life. And he's going to go down his own rabbit holes because that's where he can escape. And so the challenge you have in a short order, is he a senior or a junior?

A junior. A junior, okay. So you have a year and a half, or you've got a little more than a year, and you'll have your work cut out for you, okay? And it's going to depend on how much, how far down the rabbit hole you want to go, and it's going to depend on

you being able to transition from a short-term game to a long-term game. The goal here is to over-connect with him, to let him know he has not only value, but he's got a role in this house. And that role, the house ecosystem functions only because he's in it. And that when he opts out, when he chooses to not do his academic work, when he chooses to not help around the house, then the system falls down without him.

Not there is an operating system that we are making you be a part of. And if you don't, we're going to take things that you love away from you. Okay. And so what does that actually look like? So let me just pause right here. Is any of this ringing true? Or do you think I sound like a hippie? Actually, it sounds very interesting. Okay. And here's the thing that stinks. Parents were 20 years ago, 15 years ago, parents were told, hey, your kid's got ADHD. They've got a brain disorder. Here's some medicine, and it's going to fix them.

And the crappy part about most medications for ADHD is their speed, and they work for everybody for a short term, right? We all know what it's like to wake up – I mean to not sleep, and then we just mainline coffee. It'll prop you up until about noon, right? And then you've got a hard decision to make. Am I not going to sleep tonight, or am I going to just crash in the afternoon? That's the trajectory till about noon, right? And then you've got a hard decision to make. Am I not going to sleep tonight or am I going to just crash in the afternoon? That's the trajectory of a kid, right? And so good for you guys for recognizing the side effects, but then you're left with what do we do now, okay?

So here's what I want you to start thinking through, right? Do you want your son to grow and learn or do you want him to do right? And what I want to convince you of or hope you will get is, I can't convince you of it, is growing and learning is going to end up in him living the right way, okay? And he's got a rough road to hoe. I do. I still do. The other night as I was laying down to go to bed. My wife said, and I quote, and we've been together 20 something years, I got a job I go to every day. I got health insurance, okay?

So I want you to know the future's bright for your son. But she said, as I'm getting into bed, hey, are you doing okay? And I said, yeah, why do you think that? And she said, well, just look around in our room. And whenever the room starts to look like this, I know you're not doing okay. To which then I got all huffy and puffy and I got out of bed. I was so tired and I cleaned the room. I was like,

I'll just take five minutes to do this. It took like 45 minutes because it was such a train wreck. And so I need you to know that it's still something I'm working on to this day. Okay. And it's become, I've found people to connect with, not that try to beat me into submission, okay? So here's a couple of things you can do. Number one, I would take your son out just to you, get him off site, get him out of your house and take him somewhere. Like the joke on this show

is always take somebody to breakfast. I like breakfast because people are awake and they're not exhausted and they're not trying to text with their friends at 10 o'clock at night. And just get a pulse on him. See how he's doing. How does he feel? What's going on? And let him know, hey, I've tried to do this one thing this way for so long and I'm sorry. It's not working. And I'm much more interested in loving you than having your electronics at the top of my closet. So I want to pause right there. Is the idea of going

and being vulnerable with your son, is that hard? Is that something you've already tried? Is that something you're willing to do? Well, you know, we've tried throughout the years to do one-on-ones with all four of the kids, and we're not consistent with it at all. Okay. But, I mean, it's definitely something that we have on our radar and would like to do more of, for sure. Okay. Does he have a good relationship with his stepdad? It's kind of hit and miss. Okay. Is he still connected to his birth dad um yeah he but his his birth dad lives um in las vegas okay so he doesn't see him all that often

so here's what i want you to do i want just you, I want you to write out on a piece of paper. Take some time. I want you to take a couple hours to do this. I want you to remember the things about your son that you love. Funny memories y'all have together from the past. Things that you love about him. Quirks, things, when he makes you double over with laughter, when you thought he was going to tank something and he came through in the clutch, whatever that may be. He's a great artist. He is silly. And these can range to all 17 years of his life. I want you to write those down.

And I want you to take him out to breakfast and say, I'm your mom. You have to listen to me tell you this stuff. Okay? And he'll roll his eyes and be like, Mom, man. And you got to make him turn his phone off, put his phone in your purse. Mom, I don't want you to.

No, I'm going to say some things to you. And it's going to start with, I love you. And I've been trying to show you I love you by trying to make you get good grades and I'm sorry I really really want you to get good grades because I know you're super smart

and I want you to be accomplished and I want you to achieve great things but I've gone about it by taking stuff away from you first instead of connecting with you first and then I want you to ask him how he's doing how are things going how are you feeling first instead of connecting with you first. And then I want you to ask him how he's doing.

How are things going? How are you feeling? And then ultimately, here's the ultimate goal here, okay? Number one, you've got to get him to buy into your home system, how your home works, that he's a vital member of that place, that it can't work without him. And that when he chooses to not be a part of it, his decision impacts other people, right? It's purpose, it's value, it's connection, okay? And so at some point after he knows you're connected and he knows, hey, you know what?

You're 17. If you're going to fail, you're going to be in summer school all summer. And you're going to have to repeat your senior year. You get to choose to do that. You're 17, right? Not under my roof. I can just hear the listeners right now. Not under my roof. I'm taking away all electronics. And what I want to point you to is how's that working out? It's not. It's not. He's going down a deeper and deeper and deeper hole. Could you constrict him so much? Absolutely. You could cut off all power, all internet. You could take us all electronics away and he'll be a thousand miles away from you standing right next to you holding your hand. Okay. Yeah, we've done that. There you go. It doesn't work. Okay. People change that. You can compress and power somebody through something,

but at the end of the day, you're going to have to change their heart through connectivity. Okay. And so I want you and your whole family at some point, and this is going to maybe be a month or two down the road. He's got to buy back in that you're all in on his team. Okay. Here's what that's going to be. It's going to be weird.

I want you a couple of nights a week to go lay in bed with him in the evening. Go lay next to him in that disgusting bed that probably smells and is full of sand and all kind of stuff. And say, hey, it's gross. I did it with my 11-year-old son last night, and I'm not the cleanest guy. And it was, oh my gosh.

Okay? But I want you to hold his hand and say, uh-uh, I'm your mom, and you have to hold my hand. He's going to go, mom, it's gross. Nope, you're holding my hand. Okay? You don't have to look him in the eye because that's hard for a 17-year-old, and that may be hard for you. I want you to lay by him and say, you have to tell me three things about your day. Three things that were crappy and three things that were awesome.

And here's what we're doing. We are rebuilding connection from the floor up, and you're going first. And my gut tells me is that you don't know how to do this either. And so you're going to have to practice along the way. And the more you tell them, I think this is weird and vulnerable, but I think I miss you. Not, I think this is the right thing to do to help your ADHD. No, I miss you. You're my son. I love you. And you start from there. And then at some point, you're going to, as a family,

say, hey, we're going to develop the family rules. All the kids around the table, everyone's going to vote. We're all in this. And that's how you get buy-in. So that when he chooses to just sit in his house, like, I mean, sit in his room

and not participate in the family. He's opting, he is choosing to let the family system fall down, right? I want you and your husband to go somewhere and talk about what kind of outside of a bedroom experience are we creating that our kids want to go hide from us? Are we just coming home and plopping on the couch

and watching TV ourselves? Are we just sitting around arguing? Are we telling everybody, get this, clean up this, do this, do that, all that? Or are we having a laughing family? Do we go outside and run around the front yard? Are we throwing food at each other? Not that you can have food fights, but is it an environment that kids want to be a part of? Where they see their parents as humans, not as robots?

Well, I know Mason will say that he stays in his room because his siblings are too loud. Okay. Well, hey, here's the thing. A key factor or a key thing of ADHD is sensitivity. And it makes people nuts. And you'll look at them and go, what do you mean sensitive? You're watching anime, blowing out the rods and cones in your eyes, and you've got headphones on 24-7 listening to house music,

and you're going deaf. It just depends on certain people at certain times. I sit in my house, and I think it feels like elephants are running around, and I look around, and it's an 11-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they're just laughing, having fun. So I have to remember the problem is me. And so that's when you tell him, I want you to be a part of this family. If they're being too loud, I want him to learn some skills, not disconnection and running away. He can learn some skills to say,

hey guys, let's color instead. Let's do something. Let's engage the problem, not run away from it, not power through it, right? I want you guys to have hard conversations in the coming months about sleep, about nutrition, about physical space. I want you to clean your room. A lot of kids with ADHD, especially 17-year-olds, their rooms are nightmarish, right? Oh, my gosh. We just took three garbage bags full of stuff out of his room. It was awful.

Awesome. Well, I'm glad you did that. Hopefully, it wasn't a fight. Hopefully, it back to that. Don't forget to remember, right? There's nothing better for an ADHD kid to wake up in a room full of order and it's clean. That's, that makes an ADHD soul breathe. And the ADHD soul forgets to clean up their room every day. Right? It's maddening, right? And so it's that don't forget to remember. My wife tells me that.

When we go out to eat and I'm about to just unload on some food, she'll say, hey, just gently, don't forget to remember. She's not going to lecture me. Don't eat that because then I'm going to get all up mad. Why do you always do that? She doesn't because she doesn't pull away. She just gently says, hey, don't forget to remember. And I know that she's saying, don't forget to remember that you're not going to sleep

tonight if you eat 11 pieces of pizza. Don't forget to remember that if you have more beers, you're going to snore all night. You're not going to sleep. You're going to feel terrible tomorrow. Don't forget to remember. And then I go, oh yeah, I was about to forget how bad tomorrow's going to be if I don't live into this now. But listen, she's only allowed to do that because she leans into, not away from. She doesn't lecture, she loves. She doesn't try to power through, she tries to connect.

All of this for the 17-year-old though starts with you saying, I'm sorry. Starts with you saying, I've wanted the best for you, and I didn't have the right tools in my toolkit, so we're going to learn how to do this together. I want to direct you to what I think is the masterpiece, the seminal work on ADHD. It's called Scattered by Dr. Gabor Mate, M-A-T-E, and we'll link to it in the show notes here. It's the masterpiece and it's a hard read. It's a hard read. My wife wept through a lot of it, right? Because you start to take ownership

of the ecosystem that's in your home. And we've had to work through, like, man, it's not your fault. It's just what we know. It's just what we know. And let's work on this together. And it's been a magical transition in my house. Okay. It's called Scattered by Gabor Mate.

Parents whose kids are struggling with ADHD. Number one, go back and look at the ecosystem the kid developed in. Number two, look at how you are trying to get them to do what you want them to do. Is it through power? Is it through coercion? Is it through, I'm just going to medicate you?

Or is it through connection and purpose? And what do you love? What do you love? Right? What do you love? And I'm going to draw connections. If your kid loves soccer and obsessed with soccer, just wants to play soccer, never wants to do homework. We're going to draw connections between soccer. Man, you can do hard things. You're really good at this. And look at that. I want you to apply those same skills in the classroom, right? Because in this house, we all value responsibility, right? That's a lot. Thank you so much for the call. Man, thank you so, so much for that call, Sarah. I get so many calls about ADHD. If you've got more questions on it, give me a lot. Thank you so much for the call. Man, thank you so, so much for that call, Sarah. I get so many calls about ADHD. If you've got more questions on it, give me a call. I want us to begin to

approach this through connection, not through power and coercion. Thank you so, so much for the call. And by the way, I'm not a hippie. I'm not. I just want you to always go back and ask yourself this one question. Is what I'm doing making my life want you to always go back and ask yourself this one question. Is what I'm doing making my life better? Am I actually solving this problem? We just need to do it faster and harder and louder. Often, you're not right. Often, you're not right.

Thank you so much for that call. All right, I want to take a quick break and answer one of the most common questions I get. Deloney, I can't find a counselor in my area or I can't afford one. Listen, help is here. I've partnered with BetterHelp for customized online therapy for you. Video therapy, phone therapy, or you can even text with a licensed therapist in your area or somewhere across the country to get the help that you need when you need it. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney for 10% off your first month. Listen, online therapy is less expensive than in-person therapy. I've taken away all of your excuses.

Now you have to recognize you're worth being well. Go see a counselor online with betterhelp.com today. All right, let's go to Sasha in Carson City. What's up? How we doing? Hey, Dr. John. It's so good to talk to you. You too.

Hey, did I say your name right? Sasha? Sasha. Sasha. Yeah, you got it. Beautiful, beautiful name. All right, so what's up? How can I help?

Oh my goodness. Well, how much time do you have? I have 11 hours. Go. This is a special podcast edition. Okay. So I reached out to you all. Huge fan, by the way.

Love all the Ramsey personalities. Love your show. Thank you. Reached out because I heard from my mom recently. She had a request of my husband and I to help her open up a credit union account. And this is special for people who, it's a credit union who caters to people in the military. Okay. Are you in the military?

My husband is in the military. Okay. Yes. And so by sort of default, she would be able to benefit from what the credit union has to offer. So she reached out to me kind of out of nowhere asking if we were a member and could we help her open an account? Is that a little bit shady? I mean, yeah. Or is that normal? Okay. For me, my knee-jerk reaction was, oh, what? I was a little, I mean, there's obviously a lot of weird.

That sounds like when I used to ask people to be my girlfriend in middle school, and their first reaction was, ew. So, yeah, been there on the other side of that one, Sasha. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down. Yeah, sorry to bring that back. No, it's good. So why don't you trust your gut? I do trust my gut. My real struggle is, you know, how do I kind of, I guess, reject her request?

And I know it's not going to go well. I'm feeling a little guilty and a little petty about it. But deep down, it just does not feel right. Okay. So here's what stinks, man. Parents often have the problems, and kids are forced to solve them. Right? Ooh, that sounds like an old line.

Check out the hook while the DJ revolves it. That's right. That's that old line. Parents have the problems, right, and kids have to solve them. And I hate that because it should not be that way. Parents should be mature and grown up and ethical and honest and they're just a lot of times not.

And so here's what's awesome about this call. I can tell you're really smart and you're kind and you're honest. And so that's nice. You don't know me very well but no the fact that your first your first thought when asked to do something from somebody that you want to please and that you want to respect and honor and they ask you to do something that's a wee bit shady that is using a military benefit for their their

good right yeah your first thought was no i'm not do that right it wasn't yeah let's see how we can gain the system for you um here's what sucks about boundaries you've got to draw them and you can't hold the outcome you can't be responsible for the consequences of your boundaries. And so you're going to feel guilty. You've already said it, but it's your mom acting immature and not being honest. Right? And here's what I'd rather you do. I would rather you hold a strong boundary, trust yourself because you're right.

Hold the boundary and grieve the loss of the mother that you fantasize about. Then, you know, bend the rules here and then not be forced to, like, not be forced to deal with the reality. Your mom's using you. Your mom's using your husband. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I mean, you said a couple of times the word boundaries and that's really the underlying issue. There's been a number of times where, especially in like a financial situation, there's been some boundaries that have been kind of a little watery or muddy. And so that's really why I'm just, you know,

if it were maybe a good friend and the rules applied, I would seriously consider it. But just we haven't had the best, like, boundaries when it comes to finances. How old are you? I am about to be 40. Okay. And how long have you been married?

Let's see. It's been about seven months now. Oh, wow. So you're in it now. Okay. Is this first marriage, second marriage? First marriage. We are also about to have our first baby.

Congratulations. Okay. So listen. It is the, I can't tell you how important it is that you and your brand new husband go somewhere, get together, and write out on paper your boundaries for your new relationship, your marriage, and you're about to be parents. If you thought mom was shady before, oh, man, it's about to get awesome. Okay? Yeah. I mean, some of that, some of that is definitely coming up and I, I promised myself I didn't want to call here and bash her. You know, she's obviously done the best she can. Absolutely. It's not a bashing. It's a, it's an, it's an honest declaration. Right. Okay. And there's a difference between

saying, I hate you. You're an idiot. You're a moron, and you are not good with money, and I can't allow that into my new young family. One is dishonoring and gossipy and just trashing somebody to prop you up and make you feel better. One is calling a spade a spade. There's a lot of people in my life that I love dearly that I would never hire, right? A lot of folks that I talk to somewhat regularly that make me laugh so hard, I don't know if my guts will ever work again, that I would not leave my kid with, right? So it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. You do have to be wise. And here's the thing.

If you're not wise and you choose to duct tape over relationship issues, you're on a bullet train towards resentment. Yeah, I can definitely – when I imagine saying yes or kind of giving in, I do feel that sort of resentment like, okay, well, I'll help you with this, but like where were you at the baby shower? And like why can't we just talk about the baby coming, and why does it have to be about a bank account? Yeah. And it may be that she wants to open a bank account so she can put money into it for your kid. Yeah. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows?

Probably not, but it's fun to dream, right? Here's the thing. You're wise and you're a good person. So I tell you that to tell you, trust yourself. You live in a world where women are told, don't trust your intuition. I'm telling you to trust yours. And trust your new marriage. And trust that impulse that says,

well, that's not a good idea. And then get some time away with your husband. Plan and dream right down these boundaries. And then hold them firm. And then also be loving to your mom too. And what's that mean? That means be clear and direct and not passive aggressive.

Yes, yeah. go to coffee with her or if she's too far away and just talking on the phone sounds like y'all live in somewhat in the same area go to coffee with her and say hey mom i'm not gonna i can't use military benefits for somebody who's um not like who doesn't apply they don't apply to i can't do that i'm not gonna do that well i think i'm not mom we're not doing that yeah you can go get your own checking account or your own credit union account when you want to go get your credit union account i'm not gonna do that yeah and then you move on to the next thing and if she chooses to throw a temper tantrum on that that's a decision that she's making, not that you made.

Right? That's true. Yep. And it's coming times a thousand. Why don't you let me see my baby? I want to come see my grandkid. It's my grandbaby. Why don't you all just go out and I'm going to, hey, I'm going to got a new boyfriend.

I'm going to bring over to whatever the thing is. Right? Right. Right. Get those things down now. Right? Yeah. to whatever the thing is. Right. Right. Right. Get those things down now. Right. Yeah. That's a good idea. Okay. You're what you want has value. The right things are the right things. And you're going to have to practice holding those boundaries. And here's what's hard about boundaries. It takes so much energy and courage to lay

them out there that we want everyone to just honor them. Like, it was so hard to build this fence. Why did you knock it down? Or why do you keep bashing your head against it? Or why are you throwing things over it at me, trying to make it my fault that I wanted to keep my family safe? Always remember, the practice of developing boundaries is hard. The practice

of building boundaries and setting them up is really hard. And then when people try to knock them down, it hurts. All of that is part of boundaries. It is always in the short term easier just to be like, all right, whatever, dude, it's easy, whatever. And always comes back to bite you. Always comes back to bite you. You're awesome, Sasha. Congratulations on your marriage. Thank your husband for his service for our country. Enjoy being a mom. It's going to be awesome.

And man, build those boundaries. Alright, so we're going to wrap up today's show. I took a long time on that first call. So we're going to wrap it up today. Yeah, we're doing it i remember being a young young child back in 1988 for some of you listening to that makes me sound like a thousand years old and i remember this song came on i think it has a xylophone intro if i'm not mistaken that's embarrassing but it was the 80s so we'll go with it this is the first band i ever saw live

in concert when i was a wee little lad. I think it was Peter Cetera. Was our singer, is that right? Anyway, it's off the Chicago 19 album. Imagine an awesome, awesome xylophone intro. And then this. When you called me up this morning, told me about the new love you found, I said, I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you.

You found someone else. I guess I won't be coming around. I guess it's over, baby. It's really over, baby. Whoa. And from what you said, I know you've gotten over me. It'll never be the way it used to be. So if it's got to be this way, don't worry, baby. I can take the news, okay? But if you see me walking by and the tears are in my eyes, look away. Baby, look away. Oh my gosh, that's so good.

I love you, but I can't look you in the eye. If we meet on the street someday and I don't know what to say, look away, baby. Look away. Don't look at me. I don't want you to see me this way. Off the 1988 song by Chicago called Look Away. If you see me walking by and the tears are in my eye, look away. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.