The Dr. John Delony Show - Could This Secret Destroy Our Family?

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose brother-in-law is cheating on his wife A wife waiting for her husband to follow through on his promise A husband pondering how to tell his wife he doesn’t want to foster parent   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm calling for the good of someone else. He had an affair about 12 years ago, and the affair ended. His wife found out they've been okay, I guess, since the affair he and his wife. Fast forward to about a year and a half ago, and I got a message from the woman that he was seeing that they were seeing each other again. Yo, yo, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, comedy alive from Nashville. I'm live, you're not. But we're coming to you live, taking real calls from real people. We're not live We are right now

Right this second But when people hear this It's like three weeks later That's not our fault If they were here right It kind of is That is our fault It's our fault

I guess we could release it live Nope Not a chance Yeah you edit a lot Yep Because I want to keep my job Oh that's fair And you have to feed your family

So you're welcome There is some comedy people Who listen to like me live And they're like Oh, oh. This is the unedited version. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Holly. What's up, Holly?

What's up? How are you? Awesome. How are you? I'm good. All good. You're not good. You wouldn't be calling.

Oh, maybe you are? Maybe you are. You calling this. I'm good. I'm calling for the good of someone else. Oh, nice. Call in for a friend. That should be a new second.

Yeah. Calling for a friend. All right. Perfect. So what's up? I've been married for 37 years. It's been a wonderful, wonderful ride. My brother-in-law, my husband's brother, it's very, very, very good guy.

He's a nice guy, but he hasn't been a great guy. He had an affair about 12 years ago. And I found out by accident. He asked my husband to keep it a secret. I eventually found out. was very upset with the both of them for keeping secrets. And the affair ended. His wife found out their grown adult children do not know.

They've been okay, I guess, the last, since the affair, he and his wife. Fast forward to about a year and a half ago, and I got a message from the woman that he was seeing, same woman, that they were seeing each other again. Yeah Wasn't great Went on for probably About another six months or so What did you do when she reached out to you?

You know I listened I had spoken to her She called me after the first affair And apologized For doing what they did to our family Did you know her? I did not

I did not she was very nice she was very humble she was kind about it even though what she did was extremely wrong what they both did and we let it go that was you know all that time went by

and it happened again and she reached out to me and said hey I really need him to leave me alone I don't want to do this again we've been carrying on for a little bit can you please talk to him and tell him to stop contacting me Whoa, hold on, hold on. That's wild.

Yeah, crazy. That's wild. Why would she reach out to you and not his wife? Because apparently they swore to each other that he didn't want his children to know. And she said that she would never do that to him. She had enough care and respect for him that he would never, she would never blow the whistle on him. But she blew the whistle just dragging you into this thing. She did, you know, and that's when it became my business. So the moment, the second phone call, the moment she hung up, did you tell your husband?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. No secrets. Where are y'all now? Where is this whole mess now? So they ended it about a year and a half ago, the second time. The second time his wife does not know still.

Oh, so now you're a part of the secret keeping? I always have been. His children don't know. My children do know they found out by default. And I had to explain it to them. They're grown. They really don't want much to do with him. But my husband, he and my husband are very close. My husband defends him. And it's caused an issue with our relationship. Well, you defend him too, because you started the call by saying he's a very, very, very, good man. No, he's a nice guy. He's not a good guy. Okay. Big difference.

Yeah, big difference. I know lots of really nice guys that I don't want around my kids. Yeah. Right? And I know some really like just crass, goofball, like classically not nice guys that I would love around my kids because they're good men, right? Right. Right. They're just morons.

Right. And so I want to pull it apart, okay? Okay. You got issue number one where you still have something in your spirit about the fact that your husband kept secrets from you a decade ago? I don't. Okay. Now, as time has passed, we don't have that kind of a relationship. I understand why he did it.

His brother confided in him. I respect that, but we have a very, very strict rule. of not keeping secrets. And I think he would tell me eventually. He just didn't want it. He just wanted it to go away. Right. And it didn't.

And it never does. But him keeping a secret from you, here's how we handle this in my house. I would say something like to my wife like, hey, somebody we know, somebody we care about, a family member just dropped a humongous bomb in my lap and asked me not to tell you about it.

Just know it's a big, ugly man. mess. And my wife, who honors, just because of her work and what she does and what I do, she honors confidentiality. But here's what I wouldn't want her to do. I wouldn't want her to feel me carrying extra weight that I don't normally carry and her thinking there's something wrong with us. Right. Right. So I don't need to know the details. She doesn't need to know the details, but each of us owes it to the other person because we're married. Hey, we're both carrying something ugly. But so that's, that's issue number one. So, You say you and your husband are good and square.

Awesome. Now, what's Thanksgiving? I do have a little bit of resentment toward him because of the fact that he still continues to not defend his brother. He feels some sort of it. They had huge trauma as kids. Trauma bond is sick with those two. Sure. And I understand that part of it as well.

but I feel like it's just a little bit of betrayal and he needs to go to his brother and say, hey, dude, that's not what you're doing is not cool. And you're affecting my family. And he hasn't done that. And that's that. So your brother-in-law doesn't know that his mistress reached out to you? Oh, yeah, he knows. I've told him everything.

I've read him up and down. I am not afraid to say. say what I need to say to him. So let your husband have his relationship with his brother. Okay? Because that's, it's, I'd have no problem. Yeah, yeah, I've got no problem with the right or die aspect to it, but is any part of a good relationship?

And this is what I call loyalty, right? Loyalty does not mean, like, I'll just do whatever you say all the time forever. Loyalty means I'll be there when you need me, and you better believe I'm going to to tell you the truth too. Loyalty is both sides of that, of that, of that, you know, scale, right? And so the men and women in my life that are most loyal to me, dude, they are there if we need to hide the bodies and they're going to let me know what they think about that, right? So let him have that relationship with his brother. What I don't want you to sacrifice is your integrity. Because you just said, you don't mind saying what you want to say when you want to say it, but you haven't told,

you haven't told that woman that you haven't told your sister-in-law at Thanksgiving. have you? No, we don't, we don't have much of a relationship. She's very private. She's very dependent on him. Okay. I let that go a long time ago. That's for them to figure out. Okay. So what's your concern? Because I'm still carrying this secret and it's causing me anxiety every time we see them because their grown children think that they have this idyllic, wonderful marriage and he's this great guy and I'm sitting there where all my whole family is sitting there listening to this. facade. And it crosses every boundary that I've established for myself. So what would, in another way of saying that, it sounds like you feel forced to become somebody

you don't want to be from a moral and ethical standpoint. Yes, and to appease my husband and for him to continue this relationship with his brother. Okay. So, who do you want to be? I want to be the person that tells the truth. Okay. So when I asked why you haven't told his, your sister-in-law yet, you said, well, I don't have a relationship with her, she's private.

Again, you're making it about her, yet the issue is you're struggling with the woman you see in the mirror because you're not whole with yourself. The word integrity comes from the word integer, whole, round, never stops, right? And you're incomplete inside your own chest. I'm trying to please everybody else to make this. That's right.

That's right. Not. Yeah. And so there's a difference in saying to your husband, I respect till the end of the earth, you have a special relationship with your brother. I'm glad you have each other in fact. And if you're struggling with respecting him because he's not upholding his end of what loyalty is, which is to look at his brother and say, hey, this isn't who we are as men.

or he's not wrestling with the reality that, no, that's who my brother is. That's who he is for a decade. Yeah. Then, I mean, you can. Take it or leave it? Say that again? Take it or leave it?

Take what or leave it? The burden of carrying their secrets or? No, it's not about that. It's about you looking at your husband and saying, hey, you're welcome to do what you want to do in this relationship. this is who I'm going to be. Okay.

And either I'm going to have this conversation and I'll give you all 30 days because I'm not carrying this other woman. And by the way, I would block that other woman. That's a weird end around triangulation that I would not be a part of. Okay. And you could tell him you married a woman of integrity. And for a year now I've been carrying around this bag of lies and I can't participate. Or I'm not going to make the phone call,

but I'm not showing up to these family events anymore in pretending everything's okay. And I don't think you have any responsibility unless you have a close relationship with your nieces and nephews and you feel like you're lying to them. You don't have a relationship to their adult kids. That's their, if they want to lie to their kids, they're going to lie to their kids. I do have a relationship with them and that's part of the package. Okay. So I think sitting now your husband is saying, I am being forced to be somebody that I abhor that I don't want to be.

You're asking me to be a liar and that's not who I am. You're asking me to be a person who's not, he doesn't have any intent. integrity and that's not who I am. I can't play this game. And by the way, y'all put me in this position. It's not like you went digging. Their dishonesty brought it to you. Yes. Okay. And as the old saying goes, not by my hand, but in my lap. Because if you keep everybody's secrets and you end up melting yourself in the process. That's what's happening. Like for what, right? Yeah, that's what's happening. And I don't, I don't, I don't want to do that. It's got a, it's got stopped. I can't. It's too heavy. Okay. Yeah, set it down. All right. But I'll challenge you as a part

of being a person of integrity is not blindsiding people and not hiding from truth or not hiding from reality, right? And by the way, your brother-in-law will probably run you down. I can't believe she can't keep a secret. She's going to blow up my whole family. And hopefully your husband is of the character to say, A, don't talk about my wife. And B, bro you did this yeah like you blew up your family not us

yeah I have empathy for him he's hurting and it's obvious and I want him to find a better path and and find some happiness but he doesn't want that for him he doesn't want that and you can want it for him all day long

but he's I mean he's made his bed with another woman for for 12 years yeah All right. Yeah. Wow. Okay.

At the end of the day, all we can control is us. Yeah. Your thoughts and your actions. That's it. And it feels powerless sometimes, but that should be a really empowering, an empowering thing to hear. All I can control is me.

And at the end of the day, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say I did the next right thing. And I'm a person who tells the truth. And I want to be able to look my spouse in the eye and say, I don't respect you right now or I'm not respecting this part of you

because of this and this and this and with all due respect few bonds, few bonds or more right or die than a close brother or close sister, close family bonds. But when he looked at you 37 years ago and said till death to his part,

you became his number one. And so he gave you a sacred obligation if you will, and said, we're in this. And I'm not going to put you in positions where you have to bury yourself. That's unfair on his part.

And he might say, this is why I kept secrets from you, this is why I didn't tell you, and y'all are going to have to deal with that part of your marriage. Because if keeping secrets and keeping facades is more important

than connection and love, then your marriage has bigger issues, right? Y'all may be sitting around with a facade too. And so be as honest as you can be, indirect as you can be, and give him a path to do the next right thing. And man, I'd block that woman. I don't play a triangulation game. I'm out of those things.

But I'm also not going to look somebody in that I lie to him either. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back. A woman asks if it's reasonable to want to move closer to family, if it means her husband would take a career and a pay cut. We'll be right back. All right, this is going to sound wild, but I have a couple of pet lizards. And the other day, I went into a local pet store to get some crickets. And I just wanted to buy a few crickets.

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Your spirit is darker and colder than mine. Well, it's also my job, so... Hey, oh. Let's go out to Houston, Ochtown. Home of the Surging, surging Astros, and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? Hi, thank you for talking to me today.

Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? So me and my husband keep going back and forth with whether we want to live here by the Astros or up north. How far up north? Wisconsin. Oh, my gosh. That's the moon if you live in Texas. That's not up north? That's another solar system. Oklahoma is up north. It's pretty cold up there.

Yeah. Wow. Okay. So. So you don't take leave in Texas lightly. Yeah, what's the question? Well, for us to make that move, I think I'd be a happier, well-rounded mother and wife. But the career he has here in Texas is slim up there. So he would be changing careers, and in doing so, be taking a substantial pay cut.

So the decision is to move up north for my mental health. or stay in Texas and be financially secure. Well, that's a no-brainer. But the way you phrased that is, I mean, tell me more about your mental. What about changing locations is going to, quote, unquote, help your mental health? Well, so it's just my husband, myself, and my three kids here. We've got a very small circle, no family, you know, very few friends. Okay.

And I feel like I'm, go ahead. Let me interrupt you. because when you get on this train and it heads out, that's a story you've told. I can already tell. You've told that story to yourself over and over. You tell it to your husband. Why do you have a small circle?

Why have you chosen that? I think as a stay-at-home mom, it's maybe harder to meet people. And sometimes you meet people and maybe you don't click with that person. So it's this never-ending cycle of playdates that end up going nowhere because the moms don't click or the kids' ages don't line up.

You change schools, you change daycares, you change extracurricular activities. And it's hard to build a long-term circle. It's very hard. And it's also hard to change jobs and careers and move literally, entirely across the country. Both of those are hard. Absolutely. One of the concerns that do you have family up north? Is that why we want to go home?

I mean, go up north? Yeah, yeah. Who's up there? We've got mom and dad, brothers and sisters. I've got grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins. Okay. So, yes, if you are struggling with your mental health and you need to do something else, whatever that thing is, move, change jobs, whatever, that's your well-being and your relationship with your spouse and your relationship with yourself, it's always more important than money, always, right? And I always want to keep two truths in hand, okay?

Truth number one is people were storytellers and we often fantasize where we're not. And so it's like you'll pick yourself up and drop yourself in the middle of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Maybe that would be wonderful. But maybe you get to see them a couple of times a year on a year. holiday or once a year on holiday and everyone's on their best behavior and there's food out and there's laughter and there's telling the old stories again and the same rhythms and routines and we're not clicking and the kids don't line up that will be present there too yeah my husband does tell me something similar you know that we currently we see them once a year on vacation and he

says i have this you know rose colored colored glasses where yeah everybody's gathered round we're laughing, we're having a good time, but that's not the reality of their day-to-day life. He's right. He's right. But then I come back to Texas, and it's hard to not envision, even getting to see them once every other month. You know, six times a year would be so much better than once. Okay, so that's not only for just me, but my kids as well. Sure. You know, they have a small circle here. Yeah. So that's truism number one. And I think your husband's right. is it's easy to just pick yourself up and say it's going to be a holiday 365 days a year and it's absolutely not. There's going to be way, way, way more days. You're a stay-at-home mom

with a few kids by yourself and your cousins are working and your sisters and brothers are working and their families are working and you'll get together maybe once a week, once every two weeks, maybe, maybe. But you'll have games and you'll have school and you'll have kids growing up. Like, that's all reality. The second truism here is the one I want to focus on. And that is this, wherever you go, new job, new spouse, new person on the side, new raise, new million dollars, you will go with you. And so when people tell me they need to do something else for their mental health and they're not in an abusive situation, I always want to pause. Because if you're struggling with anxiety, you're struggling with depression, you're struggling with things right now in your real life, those things you're not. you will go with you wherever you go.

And so if it's hard to connect, if it's hard to just drop your shoulders, if it's hard to be like, oh man, I had a couple of moms over and our kids played. They were nice. They're fine. They're not going to be my people.

I would want to dig into that. What prohibits you from going again and then going again, right? What is it about you that has kind of closed that circle off and said, I don't want to meet, I don't want to get close to people here in Houston. You know, I think we've been kind of planning to move up there for so many years that I've put things on hold here.

There you go. There you go. You haven't lived where your feet are. Yes, you haven't lived where your feet are. And that is a recipe for anybody to feel untethered. And feeling untethered is a recipe for hanging on to the past or projecting into the future, which is anxiety, depression, all those things, right? Yeah. I mean, I've told him before, if I could, I mean, if I could, like, release myself of this, like, strong desire to go up there, I would. I guess I, I feel like he's, in a way, led me to believe that eventually we will be there. So, it's just back and forth that's been going on. And I would dig into that, because if he said, I'm going to work here for. three years and then we're moving and now we're on year 10, yeah, I would sit down and say, hey, I've got some integrity concerns.

Here was our plan that we made together and it seems like you've unilaterally changed the plan, right? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I feel the plan does get changed. I mean, we own some land up there currently that I thought eventually we'd build on and that's been years. you know, we try to reach a dollar amount goal-wise as the finish line. And we reach that goal and then that gets moved as well.

Yeah. And I know he's kind of climbing the ladder in his position here in Houston. And I know how difficult it would be to make a certain amount of money and then have to step away from that. Well, I mean, the money gives you margin, money gives you options. Money is, I mean, you work the job so you can have the life, you want, right? And most people get that backwards. They try to get a job they want and they try to cram some sort of life into that. And that's backwards. But really the conversation is to clear the

debt completely and ask yourselves, you and your husband get together and say, what kind of world do we want to create? Because we get to choose. And every one of those worlds will come with sacrifice and with change and with shifting and all that kind of stuff. And every one of those choices comes with hard things. But I can tell you as somebody who lived in Texas for 40 years. And then we packed up and moved across the country. We left our friends. We left our families.

I didn't just leave friends. I left 40-year friendships. Right. And we left our families. And part of the thing we did was we budgeted for a lot of trips. We had a line item in a budget for years, for flights, and for gas. because part of us coming here was we're going to go back. And also, my wife did a way, way better job than I did.

She immediately plugged in and said, if I'm going to be well and whole, I'm going to choose to live right here where my feet are, and I am going to have to make good close friends. And she's got some ride or die friends. I struggled with that because I left some long-term friendships. And over the past several years, I've really put an anchor down. And I tell you what, man, I sleep different now. Right?

And she recently told me, it shocked me. We were driving somewhere and I said, hey, we haven't talked about this in years. Like, do you still want to be buried back XYZ place in Texas? And she said, nope, she'd have buried me in Tennessee. It's where my home is. And for two Texans who lived for 40, you know this. I mean, that was a wild, like, wow. You know what I mean?

That was a big shift. Yeah. Oh, I guess I just, I mean, I could come to terms with staying here. Don't come to terms. I think, come to terms with the life you want. And if that picture of your life is, I want to be surrounded by grandparents and family and jillions of cousins, et cetera. And there's a reality to that. Then let's put that on the table.

But it sounds like you've had a, I thought, we were gonna and heat your husbands like I thought we were gonna and y'all had we're saying the same words but you all had different pictures of what you thought your life was going to look like and feel like and so in the process of I thought we were gonna and I thought we were gonna now y'all are further apart than ever yeah I definitely don't think he thought this is how it was gonna you know happen once we had kids together yeah I was completely fine but I had a different circle of course too before I had kids. Sure.

How old are your kids? I've got nine, five, and two. Yeah. And, you know, the older, my oldest, the older he gets, I just, I see him not having a relationship with his grandparents, with his cousins. Um, it's, and I have this mom guilt about it and I feel bad, um, that they don't have something that I had and, and cherish so much growing up myself. Yeah.

And so A, that's real, okay? Feel that. And B, your children's lives are not your life. And trying to run it back in any shape or form or fashion is a fool's errand because you're trying to give them what you had and they have different lives. It's a different time. It's a different planet. It's a different everything.

And that doesn't mean that wanting, I think more family should be closer to more families. I get that totally. totally get that and my wife and I make extra like we I mean it's it's tough but we make extra sacrifices

to make sure our kids know some of their extended friends and our extended friends and family I get that totally but also my kids have a different life than I had

yeah I mean what's a safe amount of time or how do I just come to the conclusion that if this is what we choose, when those feelings come up that I'm sad because it's Easter and my entire families together

and we're not there or my son has a pre-K graduation and I see grandparents with their grandkids and my kids don't have that. How do I not dwell on that and not spend, not let it just ruin the occasion? Yeah. I'm of the belief now, and I've changed my mind over this over the last several years.

I don't believe we can help the initial feeling. I think a feeling's come. I think they're wired in because of genetics, because of personal experiences. I think we have feelings. I think we get to choose the moment we get that feeling, however small or however big it is, to then go do the next thing for us, the next right thing. and so if you see if you're at a pre-k graduation

and you see a bunch of grandparents and you are looking at your kid who's looking down at you from the stage and they're beaming holding their certificate feeling that pain of I wish grandma and grandpa were here that's real you can't run from that

that's a real feeling inside your real body and then sometimes a quick quickly, quietly whispered prayer saying, miss you, Grandma and Grandpa. And then a moment of gratitude for, look at all these other kids. Like, that's awesome.

And then recognizing, I chose to do, I chose this life for me, for my kids, for everybody. And then I'm going to, I'm going to try to be as present as I can in that moment. And by the way,

that takes practice. That's not something you can just, a switch, you can flip on and off. And sometimes you just got to deal with, I'm sad. I wish they were here. I wish they were here.

and if you want to move, I think there's another layer here. If your husband's really good at his job and he's quote unquote climbing the ladder or whatever and he's doing that stuff well, wherever he drops himself in whatever town, he's going to make his way through the ranks at whatever place he shows up at.

If he's good at what he does. If he's good with people and he does his work with excellence and he works really hard and he's fun to be around, he's going to make his way through whatever profession. My fear for you guys is that you have fantasized about not being where you are. And yes, it's going to be awesome.

And yes, it's going to be cool to be around cousin, to try to run back your childhood. And at the same time, it's not going to be, you're going to go with you. Your feelings are still going to be in the middle of your chest. And in fact, there's a chance that it all works out great. And there's also a chance that it hurts worse. Because you're my sister, my cousin, you're all supposed to be here.

Well, we got to work. We got this. Timmy's got soccer. Billy's got violin practice or whatever. Do you and your husband have a good marriage? You know, I mean, I think we do. I think this is, you know, really the biggest issue we have because it comes up more often than it should.

Okay. Have you? My fear is I'm going to, eventually resent him for me thinking he's keeping me here in Texas. Okay. And why, you know, when he sees how upset and distraught I am frequently, why isn't that enough to make him say, okay, let's go? You have a great point.

And if he was on the fun with me, he would probably say the opposite. I'm working so hard to give her the life that neither of us had. Absolutely. We go home a couple times a year. Neither of us had this kind of money. We're able to give our kids this opportunity and that opportunity. And by the way, Christmas is not as fun as she remembers it when we get home. And Thanksgiving is not as great as she remembers it when we get home.

And I don't know what it is, I'm working as hard as I can for her. I don't know what it is about this amazing life we've built here that she's so unhappy with. He'd probably say the same thing just on the other side. right? Oh, he does. And I do see his point. He does very well for us and we don't want for anything. And I don't want that to go unappreciated. It's just these feelings that I just can't shut off. Sure. I want you to do the work of two things, two homework assignments for you. I want you to be very clear. Not I had this, so my kids have to have that. right i call that uncle riko syndrome it's a little bit more sensitive when it comes to family because i think relationships with kids and their grandparents is sacred and i think i love the idea of kids and cousins all being big masses of i love that um it's not always reality for most people um but i want you to actually be honest with yourself what do you think that is going to give you

day in and day out the second thing is i would love for you to commit to 60 days, 90 days, 120 days of I'm going to plug in fully here. I'm going to pretend I live here forever. What conversations would I have with my neighbors? What conversations would I have with my kids, their friends? Would I have a house full of 13-year-olds and 9-year-olds or 2-year-old, whatever the ages of your kids are? What I call other moms, right?

Like, I'm going to pretend this is where I live forever. Yeah. And what does actually plugging in here look like? Because if you always have a foot in Wisconsin, you're never going to be where you fully are. Yeah, that's true. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm really grateful.

We come back. A man asks how to support his wife's desire to foster while being honest that he doesn't feel ready. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here and everything is gone awry. The kids are out of school, routines are out the window, we're traveling, we're getting home, we're doing laundry at weird times of the day, we're sleeping less.

Listen, if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress does not just go away. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your relationships, in your interactions with your kids and your spouse and your patients everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy or seeking help and you've stopped because your schedule has gotten bonkers, it's important to keep finding ways to get the help you need. And that's why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences.

All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right inside the app. If it's not the right fit with your first therapist, you can switch anytime at no extra cost. Get the help you need. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Deloney and get 10% off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Indianapolis.

Indianapolis. Don't look at me like that, Kelly. I can read good. And talk to Eric. What's up, Eric? How's it going? Good, man. How are you?

Good, good. Hey, thanks for taking my call. You got it. What's up? I'm calling because my wife really wants to do foster care. and I really struggle with that. I don't feel the same way. I don't know what to do with that.

I love my life and I wanted to be happy, but I don't want to allow myself to get pushed into it or pulled into it and then wrestle with potentially, like, resentment or feeling trapped in the life I don't like. And so I don't know how to navigate that. Like, how do you... What's the helpful way to converse as a couple and decide on this? It's one of the things you push through

because like nobody's ready to foster, like nobody's ready to have a kid or what? I mean, fostering is different than having a kid. Those are different things. And fostering is a huge, huge, huge, huge blessing and a huge responsibility. It's hard, right? Yeah.

I would be careful about trying to nail down jello and the jello is, quote unquote, a life I don't like. Right? Because you don't know. You don't know what it would. will feel like to have that extra responsibility and that extra anchoring and that extra like yeah like I'm doing good in the world I get to love a little kid really like wildly right

and I get to watch my wife come alive um probably this is one of the reasons you married her because she has a big heart huh yes yes okay um I like if you're honest what scares you what do you things going to happen. Oh man. Life like already just feels very busy, feels like overcommitted. I don't feel like I have enough time myself. And so yeah, I think that's like mostly what concerns me. Do you have your own kids? No, we don't. No, we want to have kids, but I think we're probably unlikely to naturally. We'll make sure you think that that's we we've had some like fertility tests and stuff and so looks like might be a difficult road for that okay um and i've been down that road personally so uh shout out to you guys

it's hard it's hard um can i ask a personal question sure it where does the the infertility challenges lie uh i just i just uh you just cut out On my end with me. I had to do like six months of chemo when I was like 15 or 16. Okay. I'm pretty sure that. Yeah, I've got some close personal friends in a very similar situation. It's tough.

I mean, they're an in equals one, and this doesn't work out for everybody, but I can tell you that exact situation. And they just, they're on foster number two. And it's been a gut-wrenching, amazing, scary, terrifying, life-changing, wonderful adventure. And I've spent time with both of their foster kids and both of them are amazing and super challenging and all that stuff altogether.

If there's any shame or guilt on your end, I want you to be honest about that and head directly into that. As though you don't want to capitulate to a plan B for your wife because you can't give her kids. and if you're wrestling with that, I don't want you to be honest about it, okay? Yeah, yeah. And that's hard.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't feel like, yeah, I haven't really experienced that. I mean, I know there was nothing really that I could do about it. Like, I was just stuck with, you know, doing chemo. Yeah, I mean, of course, of course. It's not a matter of guilt like I screwed something up. But if you married somebody and all she's wanted since she was a little girl's kids and she chose you, that's hard, right? That's just hard.

This is what it is. And nobody did anything wrong, but life just handed this to both of you, right? The second part of it is, man, if you're, if you're quote unquote already overcommitted or you don't have any time for yourself, I would say you have a wild scheduling issue. How old are you? 33. All right. Can I be a jerk for a second? Is that cool?

sure like if we were if we were hanging out having a drink just eat nachos I would take a drink before I said this my daughter was just in the booth because my wife had to go to a doctor's appointment and she dropped my daughter off who got to hear the first call and a half by the way she was not impressed she's 10 not impressed at all um and I have two kids a high school kid an elementary school kid plus a full-time job plus I'm on the road all the time plus my wife's got two jobs and I'm writing a book like and I go to stand up comedy and I play in a band where do you not have time? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Like I feel like I've got a pretty busy life and I've got a pretty amazing wife and there's seasons when I don't have time but like tell me what you're experiencing where you don't think you could You don't have quote unquote space. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I mean, I own a coffee business with my family. So that keeps us pretty busy just like running that and probably in like a growth season there. So there's some thoughts about that. I also just like things around the house, like the more we put on our calendar,

the more chaotic and disorderly the house feels. And that might be a big one just like coming home and it's just like feels chaotic. And we're working on buying this house to my grandpa. It's kind of like a fixer-upper. And so like I just see these projects when I'm at home and I see these projects when I'm at work. And it's just like constantly kind of spinning.

I try to block out evenings or whatever just to like turn everything off. So I'm not just always spinning, but those are probably like bigger, the bigger ones, I guess, specifically. So remember these truisms, okay? We work so we can live. We don't live to work. And the reason we work is to help people. And as a bona fide caffeine addict, I applaud you. Thank you for putting coffee into the world.

And hopefully it's good coffee. as someone who loves family businesses, I honor you for working with your family because that's hard, right? But we do those things so that we can have the life we want. Right? Not the other way around.

And if you want to take on a cool project and resurrect your grandfather's old house and fix it up and you and your wife want to do this together, that's amazing and awesome. But that's a life you're entering into. It's not a bunch of crap you have to do so then you can quote unquote turn it all off. What I have found is when people open their eyes in the morning and they try to get through their day so they can get to the recliner at the end of the day, they've built a life of misery for themselves.

And what I want to do is get to the end of the day and collapse in my pillow because I worked really hard. And I had a day full of laughter and relationships and adventure and hard work and sometimes tiny little amounts of fun or whatever. right I can just tell you this in a million years in a million years 22 year old me would have never

for a second believed that when I open my eyes nowadays I can't wait to get up and go into my garage home gym and work out with my 16 year old son ever I could never have imagined that when Turnstile was coming to town the first person I

would text is my son saying you finally get to come to a real mosh-pitting show with your old man. Never in a million years what I think I'm scanning the country music concerts to take my son or my daughter to. Everything changed. And I could only see it on this side of the fence. And so what I don't want you to do is to imagine all...

The math doesn't work. I'll say it that way, right? You will have less sex for a season, and then it will come back. You'll have less money forever and ever, amen, right? Like, you'll be busy. You'll always have that sense of there's another human being relying on us. And so the algorithm on this side of the fence never makes sense. But I tell you what, man, I did not realize what being alive was until I was on the other side of that fence with two kids looking at me saying, hey, dad. And so I can't tell you, if you say, hey, I don't want to foster, your wife is owed that level of honesty and integrity.

And please, please, please, don't just quote unquote do this to keep her happy. That little kid that you take in deserves more than that. Yeah. Yeah. And yes, there is no, there's no, like, right time. Like, you're never going to be not busy enough or the house will be just perfect enough or whatever. Right. But I promise you this, man.

when you're 90 and you're in a rocking chair on the front of an old creaky porch holding your wife's wrinkled up hand and you all have had a series of foster kids and you end up adopting a few of them and you all have a wild, exhausting, frustrating, adventure-filled life,

I promise you won't look at each other and say, man, I wish we hadn't have done this and we'd change the cabinets. I can promise you that. Yeah. And also, It sounds like I'm berating you. I'm not.

If fostering is not for you, it's very, very hard. Very hard. Navigating the court system, learning this kid's story as it unfold, like all that is really, really hard. It's not for everybody.

Yeah. So if it's not for you, be honest. Yeah. Yeah. It changes you. And it's, I tell you what, man,

like I, few people, Do I salute more than those who choose to enter into foster care? And step, I mean, that's that's a team, a family that is heading into really messy lives and saying, and we're going to be the change we want to see in the world. That's a high, high calling. Or it's a high, high form of service. Because regardless of what parents are going through, regardless of what parents are struggling

with or doing or not doing. those little kids, man. So shout out to you, brother. I wish you guys the best. Thanks for call. We'll be right back. I've seen the data. So many of you avoid talking about life insurance

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and they help you find coverage that fits your family and your budget without pressure, gimmicks, or confusion. You don't need a sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Go to zander.com to get a question. quote today. That's Xander with a zee.com. All right, Kelly, something awesome happened. What is it? All right. So this was, I think I've mentioned before, there's a Instagram channel out there

called Good News Movement, and I love it. It's just happy, joyful things that are happening in the world. That's better than the Instagram joys forward me from the other channel you follow called Bowel Movement. I'm glad. Tell me about Good News Movement. That sounds way better than what you usually said. Nothing that you ever say will be featured on this channel. Let's start with that. No, so this was one that they posted the other day, and it's a little long, so bear with me, but I thought it was pretty awesome, and it ties into a lot of the things we talk about.

So, someone posted. I'm a cashier at a grocery store, night shift, 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. You see the same people, insomniacs, night workers, people avoiding empty homes. Last week, a man came in through my line at 2 a.m., bought $17 to $23 in groceries, paid with the $20 bill. When I handed him his receipt, he stared at it for a full minute, then looked at me and said, can I ask you something weird? Sure, I said, can you write something on this receipt? Anything.

Just something a human would write to another human. I was confused. Like what? Anything, he said. Your name, the weather, a smiley face, I don't care. I just need proof that someone saw me today. He said it so matter-of-factly that it was like it was a normal request. I grabbed my pen, wrote on his receipt.

Hope you have a good night from Marcus. He folded it carefully, put it in his wallet. Thank you. You're the first person who has said anything to me in six days. Then he left. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Six days without human conversation. How is that possible?

Started paying attention. The woman who buys her cat food at 3 a.m. but never speaks. The guy who gets his coffee and donuts at 4 a.m. headphones in. The teenage girl who buys single serve meals, eyes down. We're all here, same stores, same hours, completely alone together. So I started doing something. writing on receipts. Little messages. You matter. Someone sees you. Hope tomorrow's better. Did this for two

weeks. No one said anything. Thought maybe I was being weird. Then one night, the cat food woman, 3 a.m. She got her receipt, read it, looked up at me. First time we'd made eye contact in eight months. She said, so you're the one writing these? I nodded. She started crying, right there at the register. I'm going through a divorce, living alone for the first time in 32 years. These notes are the only kind words I've gotten in months. I've been saving them. I have 14 of them on my fridge. She showed me a photo on her phone, her fridge, covered in grocery store receipts, my handwriting all over them. You've been talking to me, she said. I just didn't know how to talk back. Words spread somehow. The coffee guy, the teenager, they started talking, to me, to each other. The store at 3 a.m.

became different, less lonely. People started showing up just to talk, not even to shop, just to exist around other humans who were also awake when the world was sleeping. My manager noticed, why are people hanging out at the store at 3 a.m.? They're lonely, I said. They need somewhere to be, expected to get in trouble. Instead, he did something I didn't expect. He put a bench outside the store with a sign that said, the 3 a.m. bench for anyone who needs somewhere to be. People started using it.

The cat food woman, the coffee guy, the teenager. Strangers becoming friends because someone put a bench outside a grocery store. The first man came back, the one who asked for the original receipt. 2 a.m., same as before. But this time, he wasn't alone. He brought his neighbor, David. David's going through something, and I told him about this place, and about you and about the bench. They sat outside for an hour just talking.

When they left, the man handed me something. A receipt from six months ago. The first one I ever wrote. He'd laminated it. Kept this in my wallet every day. On the bad days, I read it. Proof that someone saw me. You saved my life with a grocery store.

store receipt that night, Marcus, thought you should know. The bench is there every night now. People show up 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 a.m., when sleep won't come. When loneliness feels too heavy, when they need proof that someone sees them. They sit, they talk, they exist together. All because one man asked for something human on a grocery store receipt. All because loneliness is an epidemic that nobody talks about. All because sometimes being seen is the difference between surviving and giving up. I still write on receipts, every single one of them, because you never know who's counting the days

since someone spoke to them. You never know whose fridge is covered in your handwriting. You never know when have a good night is the only good night someone will have. So I write every time for everyone because being seen matters. Being seen saves lives. Awesome.

I won't even add anything to that. That's beautiful. Go out and see you, folks. Love you guys. Bye.