The Dr. John Delony Show - Dealing With Mom Guilt & Comparison

Episode Date: May 13, 2022

Today, we hear from an exhausted art teacher whose life was turned upside down by the coronavirus, a new mom struggling with guilt over being unable to breastfeed, and a railroader afraid to get married after learning the divorce statistics in his industry. Lastly, Delony dives into why Gen Z and millennials aren’t as weak as we all think they are. Lyrics of the Day: "I've Been Working on the Railroad" Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I teach at one of the best schools ever, and my joy and my passion for teaching art is just waning. Where are you finding joy in other places in your life? I don't. That's probably a lot of the problem. Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots.

Ruined your... James, listen. This weekend... So, you know, my son's, like, all obsessed with 90s country. This weekend, the one and only dude, Garth Brooks, came to town. And, like, a few months ago, my son was like, Hey, Dad, listen. Have you only dude, Garth Brooks came to town. And a few months ago, my son was like, hey, dad, listen, have you ever heard of Garth Brooks? And I was like, no, son, tell me more. Anyway, we went, dude, I had these visions of our first concert together being like Metallica or something dramatic. And it was Garth Brooks. And dude, he sang his little 12-year-old heart out,

and I did too. And man, we hugged, we danced. It was the best father-son event. Way to go, Garth. And by the way, welcome to the John Deloney Show, dude. Good to see everybody. I kind of got carried away a little bit. James, it was so fun.

I've heard that even if you're not a country fan, that he puts on the best show that people have ever seen. It's so frustrating how good it is. It's so frustrating. And I'd like to say, hashtag John and James, which should be a new hashtag. Is that how those work? He's got two guitarists.

He's got a Fender player and a Gibson player. And together they created magic. So like a guy that can really play and then a guy that just plays power chords. Exactly. And runs around and goes... I see what you did there. That hurt my feelings. Hey, welcome to the show. If you want to be

a part of the madness, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And we talk about mental health, relationships, your marriage, what's going on if you should get married, what's going on in schools these days. Anything you want to talk about, give us a call. And you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, fill out the form, and we would love

to have you on the show. Let's go to Kelly in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. What's up, Kelly? Hey, how are you? We're just rocking on to the break of dawn. How are you? Good, good, thank you. Oh, you're in Oklahoma.

That's like, that's the home of Garth, right? It is. Isn't he awesome? He just kind of pulls the whole world together. Have you seen him play? No, I don't like concerts. Listen, Kelly. Listen.

I don't even know what your question is, how we're going to end up with this thing, but one of the things I'm going to tell you to do is to make sure you catch it when it comes to town. It's fun. It's fun. So how can I help? Well, I am an art teacher here in Oklahoma City. I teach at one of the best schools ever. I have one of the best principals ever,

and my joy and my passion for teaching art is just waning. It's so confusing for me because I've been teaching for about 14 years, so I was pretty late to the game. But I love the kids. I love seeing the creativity light come on above their heads. And I just can barely stand it anymore. And I just, I don't know what's happening. Where are you finding joy in other places in your life?

Well, I don't. That's probably a lot of the problem. Tell me what's been going on in the last few years. In other parts of my life? Yes, yes. I have a sister a couple years older than me with full-on dementia now. Oh, man. I've got a husband that works all the time.

Yeah. And my son is 21, halfway through college, and he's kind of out the door as well. So I think I've really put a lot into my teaching and with the pandemic and just with my Facebook friends around the world, my Facebook art teacher friends, they're all feeling this burnout. Yeah. It's worldwide. And the kids are totally different. I don't know how to help them. I don't know what to do.

It's like we just need to start a new find a new starting point yeah man you're just you're putting such great beauty you're putting beautiful words to the hurt and so thank you so much for your call

so when we when this call airs I want you to go back and listen to it and listen to how you talk about art, teaching, your students, the kids, their creativity. Your whole voice is different. And then when I asked you about the last few years, your voice changes in rather dramatic fashion. Okay? in rather dramatic fashion, okay? One of the things the data is telling us is that a bunch of people have been changing jobs

and that most people who've changed jobs, I think the last one I saw was 75% of them, wish they hadn't have changed jobs. And what that tells me, there's a hundred different reasons for that, but what that tells me is that over the last 10, 15 years, we have found increasingly unskilled in our life. We don't know how to deal with our teenage kids. We don't know how to deal with the transitioning marriage, what that even looks like. We don't

know how to date anymore. We've lost the ability to be successful in these normal, our faith's all screwed up, church is a bust. I mean, we've just got all these areas where we're struggling, but we were good at work. We were good at our craft, at the thing we did. And so over the last 10, 15, 25 years, we've dumped everything into that world. And that's where we found our purpose and our joy and our connectivity.

And then over the last 24 months, it got taken away from us. And we had to deal with what we thought was in the rear view mirror, but was actually in our back seat, which is my husband works all the time. And my 21 year old kid, my identity was a mom. And now who am I now that my kid's 21 and he can buy beer for himself. And that's weird, right? All those things, especially for creatives who are teaching, that becomes such a difficult transition to look back and go, oh, man. I didn't hear in your voice that you're sick of teaching.

I hear in your voice that you're exhausted by life. Tell me I'm wrong. And I'm happy to be wrong here. There is times when it's run its course. It's been 15 years. I need to go express my creative self and my professional self differently. That's great. I didn't hear that. I hear somebody who is just looking right at her life saying, is this what this is going to be? Yeah. Well, I do teach 550 littles a week. That's a lot. In a public school, that's kind of how it rolls. You see every

student. Where do you go for restoration? I sit on my couch and I watch TV. I just veg out if I'm not teaching. Yeah.

Tell me about your relationship with your husband. veg out if I'm not teaching. Yeah. Tell me about your relationship with your husband. I know he works a lot. Is he... I see this a lot with men too. They're not successful at home. They feel a gap with their spouse and they don't know how to bridge it and they don't know what they're doing wrong.

They don't know what to do with transitioning adult kids. They don't know what to do with transitioning adult kids. They don't know what to do with newborns either. But they're really good at being an architect or they're really good at being a lawyer. And that ends up being where they spend most of their time. You know what I mean? Right.

And he jumped from the corporate world and fell in love with teaching. So he's teaching at university now. Ah, okay. And he is just in love with it. So he's teaching at university now. Ah, okay. And he is just in love with it. And can I tell you, there's nothing greater than having 30 or 60 or 120 college students think that you're great. You know what I mean? Oh, exactly.

It feels good, right? Yes. And it's different than a bunch of second graders saying, can I go to the bathroom? I peed. You know what I mean? It's so different. But their hugs are pretty awesome graders saying, can I go to the bathroom? I peed. You know what I mean? It's so different. But their hugs are pretty awesome. Those hugs come from the depths.

They're so great. So here would be my recommendation. I would love to see a couple of things. Number one, I'd love to see you get a couple of art teachers in or music teachers. Here's the other thing. You found your profession on the margins the last 15 years. So you're not just doing the creative work. You're having to fight for its existence, and that's exhausting.

And it's especially exhausting because it's insane. You know what I mean? When you're fighting for a dating, like you're dating somebody and you're fighting for the relationship and you know that guy kind of sucks, it's different because you're fighting for it, but your body knows like, eh. But when you find yourself farting, I mean farting, that's kind of sucks. It's different because you're fighting for it, but your body knows like, but when you find yourself farting, I mean, farting,

that's kind of funny. When you find yourself fighting for, um, art, like the value of art and children and teaching them play and creativity and how to like do drafts and how to do a first draft and a second draft and a third draft and come up with something powerful and work hard. When you find yourself trying to explain why that's more important than

doing a drill or kill worksheet on some, you know what I mean? It's maddening. Oh, right. That's exactly right. Yeah. You've got to defend yourself on every level as a art teacher. So absurd. So here's what I'd love for you to do. I'd love for you to get three or four women in your world who are also teachers. And you know as well as I do, because I've been a public school teacher at a giant school, that a lot of times teachers get together and then we complain and we complain and we complain about the parents and the students. And can you believe that? All right. And what I would love for you all to do is something different than complaining. I'd love you all to get together and go get chips and salsa or something and just, or get coffee or whatever it is.

And I want y'all to grieve. I want y'all to, even if you have to write it down or y'all can doodle like and draw off your art teachers, I want y'all to talk about together what used to be and what we still love about this thing and what's not. And that it just is hard because in the plowed fields of grief, you can look around and there's no green, there's no trees, there's no fruit, but that's where the soil gets ready for what comes next. And out of that grief is where the, okay, so how are we going to turn this thing and reach these kids? Because what we were doing is different now. And I'd love for you to sit with your husband and say, okay, so how are we going to turn this thing and reach these kids? Because what we were doing is different now. And I'd love for you to sit with your husband and say,

hey, we both work a lot and I miss you. And we've got 40 years left of this thing. Let's make them as fun and reckless and silly and joy-filled and intimacy-filled as we possibly can. And that means we're going to have to completely clear the deck and do something different. And have you written your sister that letter yet? Have I what? I'm sorry.

Written your sister that letter? Oh, no. You need to. The one where you tell her, I love you and I miss you and I hate having to take care of you. And I had a picture of what our life was going to be like as we got old together and it's going to be different. Yeah.

You need to write that down and read it to her. And that'll be one of the hardest things you've ever done. But here's what we're doing. Most of us at the end of the last three years, which is on the back end of the last 15 years, we have to sit down and be exhausted. And we have to sit down and grieve what was. Grieve what was. Because it's been hard.

And we've just been moving and running so fast that we have, our bodies are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We've missed a lot. We've missed a lot. We've missed a lot. Call your son, tell him you miss him. Whatever those hard things.

Do you miss him? Yes, yes. Do you tell him? Sure. Good. Yeah. So all these things I'm saying, what do you think? You were hoping I would just say, yeah, get a new job. I know. Or go part-time or something. Yeah. Hey, listen, if you want to go part-time, go part-time. Don't lose a second to sleep about it. My fear is just, and again, I'm basing this just off the tone of your voice, is if you went part-time, you would take away the last shining light you've got in your life. It may give you a ton of space to breathe again,

but if that space is just going to be used up on the couch watching TV, then God help you, don't do that. I'd love to see you get home. And before you sat down on the couch, I'd love to see you take that exhausted, tapped out body and go for a walk and listen to an audio book or a podcast. I'd love for you to call a friend and use one of those headsets so you don't have to hold your phone up to your ear and you can just go for a walk and pump your arms mom style down the road and just say, hey, how are you to a friend who does something totally different and not just come home and plop down on the couch. And if it's time to go, it's time to go. It's cool.

I'm cool with that. I don't think you're there yet. I want you to look at your world and say, hey, I'm worth more than this. And God help us. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Kelly.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call

my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Yeah, James,

in that last segment, you ever been farting? What did you say, Kelly? Everybody was kung fu farting. Yeah, that's the time I'm going to sing it from now on. I'll for sure sing it. What was I even saying?

Fighting? You're talking about art, so that's where it came in. Oh, art and fighting. Fighting for art. Fighting for art, otherwise known as farting. And let's go to Diane in Milwaukee. What's up, Diane?

Hi. How are you? Thanks so much for taking my call. I'm well, thank you. How are you? I'm so glad you called. I'm good, I'm good. So what's up?

How can I help? Okay, so I'm calling. This seems like a minor issue compared to so many of your callers, but hopefully it'll help somebody. Hold on, hold on, hold on. No comparing what's going on. Promise?

Okay, yes. Are you struggling through stuff right now? Yeah, a little bit. Okay. No, don't minimize it. That's why I'm calling. Don't minimize it, okay? I'm so glad you called. I don't even that's why i'm calling don't minimize it okay i'm so glad you called i don't even fully understand why you're calling but i'm so glad that you called cool okay yes okay cool i got a little bit on my screen here but i'm gonna let you tell me the

full story so go for it yeah all right so um about almost four weeks ago uh my husband and i welcomed our wonderful baby boy into the world. Awesome. Number one. Very cool. Baby number one? This is baby number one, yes. Welcome to the adventure.

It's so cool. All right. Yes. It's crazy and cool and wonderful. But at the hospital, everything went really well with the birth. Very non-traumatic as far as births go. Sounds great. Hold on.

Time out. As far as, I don't mean to keep interrupting you, but as far as births go. Sounds great. Hold on, time out. As far as, I don't mean to keep interrupting you, but as far as births go, as this massive trauma happens, you are the best minimizer ever. Okay, go ahead. Okay. So after he was born,

we were at the hospital, you know, overnight, and he lost too much weight, basically, over the course of our stay. So we had to supplement with formula. And I also was told to see a specialist about breastfeeding and see what's going on. And it turns out that I have something called insufficient glandular tissue, which basically just means that I'm never, at least with him, going to be able to produce enough milk for him to survive off of me. So he's just going to have to be supplemented with formula. And that was something that I just, I did not expect at all.

And like beforehand, a lot of women had told me like, oh, rest being so hard, but if you stick with it, you know, if you don't give up, um, if you're not, you know, if you don't just throw in the towel, it'll get better and it'll be the most wonderful thing you've ever had experience kind of thing. Um, so I didn't really anticipate just not being able to, um, and it was really hard the first couple of weeks, especially just like every single time he needed to eat. It was like, I'm not enough for him. And, um, like, yeah, and still when I talk about it, apparently, um, it makes me just feel like I'm a deficient mother and wife, you know, like both of both my husband and

son deserve something better than I can give them. And I don't know how to, I feel like mentally I've, I've written myself a letter and told myself it's not my fault. Um, but it still doesn't take away the fact that I, I can't do something that I really want to do. And, um, I feel, and I'm worried too, that like, I know in the future, there's going to be things with my son that I want to do. And I feel, and I'm worried too, that like, I know in the future, there's going to be things with my son that I want to do for him that I can't do for him. So I just don't want to feel this way the rest of my life. So I'm kind of wondering how to, how to handle this. Wow. Thanks for, man, the number of folks who experienced this is,

is in the bajillions. And so thank you for having the courage to call. Um, cause this is a call that's for all of us who are parents, right? And you just said it so eloquently. There's things we want to provide for our kid that we're going to run up against those boundaries in our lives. how do we how do we deal with that so where where where did this picture come from that that a good mother that my husband and child deserve equals these set of variables where does that picture come from you said other women have told you this yeah um like women in my community um who are moms um i've just heard women kind of judging other women for using formula you know and it's kind of like an implicit thing that like if you if you really are willing to put in the

effort to be you know give your child the, then you'll breastfeed exclusively kind of thing. And I know my mom breastfed all of us, and I don't remember her being particularly judgy about other women. But it was just something I kind of expected to be able to do myself. What is, like, what's a big regret you've had in your life? Just in the past sometime, it could be when you were seven and you didn't make the team or when you were 14 and like, what's a regret you have? Uh, I feel like I've, I've kind of dealt with every disappointment and felt like I've, my life has turned out pretty great. And so I don't really regret anything that might've happened that I didn't like at the time.

So where, here's where I was going with that. Yeah. There is an entire ecosystem designed to a T with a thousand points of entry, a hundred thousand points of entry. It's a war zone for mothers. No matter what you do, you will feel guilty because that's how we get you to buy stuff and click on stuff. You're not enough. You're using the wrong this. Why are you putting them in those clothes? And you can put them in that clothes. Oh my gosh, can you believe mothers? But it's an entire oxygen.

Like it's an ecosystem with its own air, its own water, and it's insane. And what the heartbreaking part of this for me is somehow, not somehow, it's very intentionally, that you found yourself in this ecosystem and are unable to see how blessed and fortunate your son is to have you as his mom. And how wildly, out of all the crazy women he could have picked, your husband picked you and won the lottery. That's what he says. Yeah. And he's probably not an idiot, so he's not going to lie to you.

And if he didn't believe that, he would just say nothing, right? Because he's a good guy. He actually believes that. And somehow a picture got put in your head that this is the only way forward. And it sounds like the picture came from gossipy, whiny, judgy people who are trying to prop up their own lack of what in the crap am I doing as a new mom? They're trying to prop that up by spitting on other women. And so my suggestion to you is to opt out of the entire system. Here's what I mean by that. They don't get a vote.

And the way around people don't get a vote, you wrote yourself a letter that said it's okay. I would love for you to write another letter and write yourself, dear Diane, here's why I'm an incredible mother. Because in writing yourself a letter like it's not my fault, the focus of that letter was on the deficiency. And I want you to shift the whole boat here towards gratitude. And thank God we live in an era when science can swoop in and say, hey, you've got a particular thing here and we got you. And we can all cheer and high five each other. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And, hey, I've got a husband who in the 1400s might have had me beheaded. And now he loves it, right? He loves it. Like, whatever. And all that to say is, man, there's such a big picture here. And I hate the fact that you, like millions of other women have been dragged into this cesspool of, oh yeah, oh yeah. Cause it's, cause you're so much more than that. Here's the, here's the honest to God,

ugly truth. You're going to have to practice your way out of this on a daily basis, which means you're going to have to grieve. I wanted to be able to have these moments with my kid and I'm not going to. And I'm not going to hate on other moms who get to have this experience. It's cool. The same way as when you're older and maybe your kid is going to be five, six, and you're going to have a friend whose kid is six, eight, and she gets to sit on the front row at varsity basketball games, and you're not. And you could say, I really wish I had that experience, but I'm going to go to my kid's art exhibit. So it's okay to call those out. In fact, I think you have to call those out. Parents are like, no, it's cool. It's the same. It's not, it's different. I wanted it to be like this, and it's like this. That's great. It's okay,

but you got to acknowledge it. And then you have to practice. You don't get a vote. You don't get space in my head. You don't get space in my heart. And God help you, you don't get between me and my baby. And I'm a huge proponent on whether you're breastfeeding or whether you are bottle feeding. Skin to skin contact is skin-to-skin contact. So still make that happen, okay?

And connect yourself with that kid. You don't have to check out of the whole process just because your body doesn't produce enough milk in this season. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. The person you've got to be graceful with is you. Yeah. You know what I mean?

You are judging yourself like those other women, and I want you to give Diane a break. Yeah, I see what you mean. I also want you to be really, when's your next checkup? Later this week. Okay. Will you make me say I promise? I promised. I'm so suckering you into this. You don't have to actually do this, but here's what I would like you to do.

I would like you to tell the nurse practitioner or the OBGYN when you check in, if you're still waking up and this is the first thought on your mind, and you continue to have words like, I'm a failure, I'm a quitter, I didn't try hard enough, I want you to let your doctor know that you're struggling, okay? Okay. The postpartum weight of some of these thoughts is heavier than they should be. And I don't know you well enough to do any sort of diagnostic on that. And in fact, I don't even know.

I could diagnose somebody with postpartum. That's just not my expertise. But I do know week four, week five, week seven, week eight, those thoughts of why in the world did this beautiful baby get stuck with a crappy mom like me? I know those thoughts are coming from a different place. And sometimes getting a little extra support is really, is a game changer for new moms. Okay. Yeah. Last thing, can you give me one more thing? Sure. I want you to do this just for two weeks, okay? Just do this for two weeks. And if it works, keep doing it.

If it doesn't, you can just be like, that podcaster's a moron. I want you to tell your husband, can we not say anything? And can we just sit by each other on the couch and hold hands? Okay. Okay? That's simple as that. If you want to be really pervy about it, you can take your socks off and y'all can touch feet too. Okay?

All right. What I want your body to do is I want it to reconnect itself with your husband. There's a lot of tiny little gaps that emerge in this season, some of which are imagined, some of which are very, very real. And all couples with a new kid, they have to set aside time to, a lot of it is, hey, when can we get back to sex? When can we get back to sex?

When can we get back to sex? That's all fine. That's a different conversation. I want people to reconnect right away. And a lot of the reconnection is, look at the baby, look at the baby, look at the baby. And the relationship ends up sideways or it gets put in a drawer in the back of the closet

because we've got other stuff to do. And I want you to take 20 minutes, 30 minutes, just watch a show. Tell them that some guy told you, you got to watch a show together. I want you to hold hands and touch feet while you're doing it. No making out, no, just connect

and drop your shoulders, okay? What will happen hopefully is in a couple of weeks when he says, I cannot believe how fortunate and blessed I am to have you as the mother of my baby. Your body will receive it. It won't reject it out of hand. Is that fair? Yeah. I'm sure he'll be up for that. Listen, he's a good guy. He's a great guy. You could tell him right now, got a window, use it wisely

You could tell him We need to re-roof the house And he's like, oh I got it This is a season when husbands feel so Incredibly useless And any sort of way they feel like they're helping Is Yes, they're all in

Unless they're idiots and then they're like No bro, I gotta go to work and hang out with my buddies And then that's a whole other phone call on this show Listen, Diane Yes, they're all in, unless they're idiots, and then they're like, no, bro, I've got to go to work and hang out with my buddies. And then that's a whole other phone call on this show. Listen, Diane. Mm-hmm. Yes. Your baby won the lottery.

Thanks. Hey, I give bad advice sometimes. I don't ever lie. Your baby won the lottery with you. And I'm so grateful that that little boy gets to grow up with you as his mama for his entire life. That kid won life. And it's just beginning. We'll be right back.

Alright, we are back. Hey, actually, we already got four emails from moms who have some opinions for her. Oh, over the... This episode's not even out yet. We're not even done recording, but we already got some feedback on that.

I guarantee you one of them was like, if you just use Thieves essential oil and... Dude, have you tried the keto diet yet? It's so good. You should be vegan. It super helps with lactate production. Oh, gosh. Listen, moms, you'll all know. You'll all know how hard this is.

Be kind to one another. Husbands, shut your mouths. Moms, be nice to each other. Be kind. It's so hard We already got two more emails, didn't we? I can hear it going Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding

Let's go to Robert in San Diego What's up, Roberto? Hey I have a dilemma In my mind Let's go into The mind of Roberto and see what's up. Hi, so I am a blue collar worker. In my industry, we travel 90% of the time.

What do you do for a living? Railroader. Okay. How long have you been in? I just started six months ago, roughly. Okay. And so when I started working out here, they told me that our divorce rate is extremely high.

That's right. Higher than normal. And right now I'm with a lady. I've been with her for a little bit over a year and I love her. I want to marry her. She's expressed to me she wants to marry me. The thing that bothers me though

is that divorce rate. I've gone out to look at rings. I mean, I want to get something for her. I want to start a family something with her. But I don't want to be part of statistics and it hurts.

Brother, I cannot, man, you're a hero to me today. For real. And I don't say that lightly. Thank you for calling. Man, you're a hard worker. I've got somebody I love. He's a wise friend and mentor for me.

And he has been in the railroad for a long time. And so Jenna let me know that we're going to have a call about a railroad on today's show. So I reached out to him. And I said, hey, let me back up. For you guys who don't know, the life of someone who works on the railroad is absolute, unfathomable hell. Everything from the way they do, when you find out when you're working

to what you're working to how you're working, it's an absolute chaotic mess. Your family never knows. It's just a zoo. And you've been there for, what, six months? And you've experienced this, right? Totally, yeah. It's so much so that several railroads give the spouse a full pension upon retirement.

Does yours do that? Yes, that's a real retirement. So think about how bad it is and how much, how sucky a job it is that they say, if somebody will stick it out with you this whole time, we'll pay them too. That's how bad it is. And, man, I wouldn't have believed it had I not, have I not seen it up close. It's unbelievable that a group of people decided to run a business like that. It's just madness, madness. But I reached out to him and here's what he told me, okay?

I'm gonna tell you, actually he sent me some text messages, so I'm gonna just read them directly to you. Is that cool? Okay. All right. Now, also understand this guy runs a railroad in the South, and so he's got some other opinions too. Is that cool?

I'm going to read it. Here's what he wrote. Number one, get out of Cali. Number two, go to a yard job with a schedule if your seniority allows and base your budgets on yard wages. Getting out of Cali to somewhere with a lower cost of living will help. Have you been able to roll off to yard yet or are they just putting you all on trains? My type of work is not necessarily working on the trains. Okay.

But I haven't had the opportunity to get a yard job. I'm still working on that. I know seniority. Yeah, so for those of you who don't know, you could have put in your vacation two years ago for Christmas to be with your spouse who's coming home from overseas deployment and somebody with five months more seniority than you can just bump you. They just take it from you, and you just got to get back in and go and nobody cares, right? So seniority, yeah, I just keep bumping you off

the jobs that will help your family. Here's number three, and this is the hard one. He wrote, I'm assuming you're young. If you have less than 10 years seniority or more than 20 years to retirement, start looking for an exit strategy and do something else. And I know that one's hard to hear because the pay of the railroad can be really good and enticing, right? Yeah. And it's designed not, it's designed to keep families apart,

which is why they pay your wife off at the end. Here's another thought though. This person that gave me this wisdom is also married happily, got a great wife, got a bunch of kids, and they figured out and make it work. When you're on the road, you got to stay out of the bars. When you're on the road, when you get home, go home. Don't run around with women at the terminals. Don't get caught on when you're getting laid off, I mean, laid up and you're having to do your eight-hour rest at some community. And it's so easy just to run across the street. You got to have enough strength and fortitude to stay in your hotel room and go to bed.

So we can blame the job all day long. What I know is there's a lot of divorce in a lot of different jobs. Police officers, there's a lot of jobs are hard. And you've got to make some choices. I'm not going to cheat on my wife. When I'm home, I'm going to be so fully home. And she needs to know what she's signing up for. Based on what I've seen, his wisdom to, if you can do something else, if you can make good money,

working hard somewhere where you find value and joy, go for it. My friend, Kevin, is the CEO of a yardscape company, dude. And they take care of those guys' college. They take care of a lot of stuff for those folks and their kids. And those guys work real hard. They're blue collar guys and they work their butts off and they go to bed tired every night. But it's more conducive to families and mechanics that I know have great family lives. You know what I'm saying? So there's hard working steel slinging jobs out there that aren't railroad jobs. When I say he recommends you doing something else, what's the first thought in your mind? Honestly, I came from working blue collar

in the construction trades and everything. And I haven't found a job that pays as well. That's right. Compared to out here. I was swinging a hammer. I was pounding my thumb with a hammer. Yeah. Prior to this.

And it's difficult because my whole career has been around working with trains. Now I'm with a train company that specializes in that type of work. And, I mean, that's one of the first things I was told when I started the railroad. Hey, what's a good tip you'll give one of us as a new guy? Leave. That was the first thing they told us. Wait, say that one more time. When I started the railroad, I asked one of the old

old heads what's a good tip that they would give us to succeed working for the railroad and what he told me was leave was he messing with you no

so here's what I'll tell you and I'll tell everyone I've told my work team here the day my wife comes to me and says we can't do this I can't do this life anymore is the day I'm out because she's more important than this

when I've worked at there's a university or two I worked at when she came and said, you're not okay, you're not well, this is hurting us, I left. Because I made a choice that she was more important than this. And if you're ready to make that choice,

then that choice will be what it is. And it might mean I got to look at living somewhere else in the country to get a job where I'm not throwing a hammer and there's no water and it's hot, right? Or San Diego is the most beautiful place in the country, but it's also really, really, really expensive. Is there another place I can go and get a different, like whatever that looks like? If she's right, she'll be worth it. And if she's not, that's okay, man.

That's still be okay. I heard you talk about her though in a way that sounds like you've put a period at the end of that sentence. She's it for you, right? You've chosen her. Yeah. Okay. So here's what I want you to be real careful of.

When we get in these moments right now where we've got quote unquote hard decisions to make, we tend to back ourself into a corner and make it an either or. And it's an either or right now or else. I want to really caution you on that. Okay? You can get engaged tomorrow, get married the following day, and run the railroads for the next two years until y'all figure out what comes next. She may settle in and love the space, love that you're gone all the time and be able to work she may be an attorney and wants to do her like this is not a have to do this right now i still think

you can carry on your romance i still think you can continue showing up at the yard every day and get on train and do what you need to do and begin to look at what other jobs exist out there that can pay well, but also let me have a family and a home. And to everybody who is in management at a railroad company, stop. You will make more money if your people have families and are able to enjoy their lives. They will stick around. They will work harder.

It's unbelievable how terrible they treat y'all. Blows my mind. But listen to me very carefully, Robert. You're worth more than what they're going to offer you right now, okay? You just are. You just are. I've never met a single person who works the railroad who's been there for any length of time that says, no, dude, this is the greatest thing ever. You should for sure stay. Never, not one, not one. I've spoken with young people who just got back

from Fallujah, from overseas, being deployed. And they're like, dude, I'd sign up again tomorrow. And people were shooting at them. When it comes to this, though, what the old heads in the yard told you, that's 100% what I hear every time, is get out while you're young and go do something else. And what I'll tell you is the money over time won't be worth it.

So what about this? What if you did it for two years and saved every stinking penny? Live Spartan. Live so cheap. Save every penny and let that be a launching off pad for you. When y'all move to Kansas, y'all move to Texas, or you move to New Mexico or Arizona or something where the cost of living is a quarter of how much it costs or half of what it costs. And then you and your wife can start your life together. And man, I'm not worried about you getting divorced because you're already planning way ahead of the game. I'm not worried about you

because you are thinking it through. You're being intentional. And that is wisdom, my man. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back and it's time for our second installment of everybody's favorite segment, Facts or Your Friends, where we have simple conversations about complex ideas. Is this everybody's favorite segment? I'm going with that. I'm in the greatest segment ever produced,

ever. I don't know, that thing Jay Leno used to do on the street was pretty funny. That was great. But a quick second place to that one. Facts are your friends, simple conversations about complex topics. All right, so the other day, I was being interviewed on a guy's podcast. Guy was awesome, real hospitable.

We were having a good time. And he was like a, like a, like a guy. And in my new book, I have a line or a paragraph where I'm talking about, I don't think Gen Z, I don't think millennials are this dysfunctional, weak, lazy group of people. I don't think that they are cowards or somehow inherently deficient or broken. And he said during the interview, like, there's this perception, right? They're just weaker and softer. And if we could just get back to the old days. And he said, you don't really believe that, do you? Like, I know you wrote that in your book, but you don't really think that, do you?

I thought about the Gen Zers that I know, and I thought about the millennials that I know. And I said, yeah, I absolutely believe that. And he's like, come on, man. Seriously, look around. And I get where he's coming from. And he was looking at the data like everybody else. And he's looking at the mental health crisis and the rise of anxiety and the rise of depression and the rise of loneliness. And even our own Ramsey Solutions research, we did a big research survey here on people's mental health and shows that Gen Zs and millennials are more likely to struggle with mental health challenges than other generations. And if you take that one step back, right, look at the number of kids going to law school,

the number of kids going to med school, look at the obesity rates and the plummeting physical fitness and the rise in diabetes. I mean, you can point to all these things and say, yeah, see, they're just sitting around, they're playing video games, they're being lazy, they don't do crap. That's one side. It's one side of it. Having worked with them for the last 20 years,

just walking alongside them, thousands and thousands and thousands of them, and then being steeped in the data and the research. Here's another perspective. The moment they were born, they were told, hey, by the way, by the time you're like 30, the climate will have killed us because all these people have screwed up the environment, so you're going to be dead. You're probably not going to have kids. The moment they were born was in and around 9-11. And not only were they around 9-11, but they have been around adults who have lost their freaking minds.

Who stay glued to these little cellular devices. Who are obsessed with dramatic, sensational news stories. And the rise of 24-hour news and the rise of the murder podcast. Where when our regular day doesn't suck enough, let's listen to how somebody else's life sucks even worse. And they've been told that they can't trust the news, their churches, the government, their parents. You can't even trust yourself.

Why? Because you have a diagnosis. You've got something wrong with you. They've been the guinea pig for world-changing innovations like social media and smartphones. They've been diagnosed with things that nobody heard of 100 years ago. They didn't exist. And some of that's good, actually. Some of that we've been able to go, hey, that's actually trauma.

This is actually depression. This is an important thing. But some of it has been madness. Some of them have just been doped up because they can't sit in a room for nine hours and not move. They've had processed food shoved into their faces since they were born. They've had PE and movement and laughter and play and joy taken out of the schools. They've had athletics taken away. They've had art taken away.

They've had music classes taken away. They don't go to concerts. They just stream them. Because mom and dad are working two full-time jobs plus two side hustles. And I don't have time to take you to that. We're not going to do that. So when I look at it from that perspective, of course, they're completely burned out. Of course, they're exhausted and fried and anxious and depressed. Of course, they go towards a video game because the real world they've inherited is on fire, literally on fire. It takes an especially strong, resilient, creative, and adaptable generation to take on what the world has dumped in their laps. And yes, I know.

My dad told me he used to have to do nuclear weapon drills when he was a kid. He did. Because there were nukes in Cuba pointed right at, he was in Houston, pointed right at him. I get the world's always been bad. But there's been anchors in education and we're gonna be all right in an American spirit in or a whatever spirit is.

There's been collective theology that binds a group of people together and says, hey, there's something bigger that we're serving here. And this generation has none of that. All they have is caustic. It's all coming down. And so when I see a kid in a local university, when I see a high school kid making it work, it's incredible.

And when I see kids that are struggling under the weight of the nonsense, my heart breaks for them. And pointing fingers at them and calling them lazy, that's not gonna help. Yelling and screaming at the news, not going to help. Sitting down and saying, hey, I'm sorry that we've given this to you this way.

Let's do something else. And if you spend time with young people, it's incredible. They can be extraordinary in their vision and their hopes and the way they think, well, I guess this is how the world we've been handed. This is how we're going to have to make do. And so my biggest takeaway from this whole exchange with the interviewer was this. We need to stop defining strength as being silent, stoic, and working 90-hour weeks, just flexing and crushing.

On the flip side, we need to stop considering any sign of struggle or dysfunctional weakness. Instead, maybe strength is choosing to move forward despite the uncertainty, to grieve despite the pain, to choose healing despite the fear. I went to college and got out in 2000. And the world was like, it's all like, you can do anything. And now to graduate after two years of having to do online, back in school, back in school,

online, online, back in school, schools canceled, by the way, you're just going to be dead from climate change anyway, and plus inflation is going to kill you, and by the way, there's going to be a World War III, and you're going to get nuked, and so why even, why are you even doing whatever you're doing, go play Fortnite and just move on with your day, to graduate college in that and say, no, no, no, no, I'm going to keep pushing forward i'm gonna change the world that my friends is strength that my friends is resilience that my friend is saying fine not by my hand but in my lap this is what got dropped here i'm gonna make do and not only am i gonna make do i'm gonna make changes i'm gonna make this thing better so hear me say stop throwing grenades at other generations, if you will.

They are people like us trying to figure it out. And I'm grateful for the young folks figuring it out. And if you're a young folk and you're stuck and you don't know what you're doing and you found yourself a hundred pounds overweight or you don't like yourself or you're in a marriage that you didn't know how you stumbled into it,

reach out and ask somebody for help because there's a different way to do this. And if you're 55 or 65 or 45 or 35, and your whole identity is based on, I'm telling you, it's going to come down. Stop. Reach over and tell somebody I'm not okay. Reach over and say, hey, you know what else is cool? Rest, holding hands, love, compassion, kindness, patience. Those are virtues too. That's Facts of Your Friends today, guys.

Simple combos about complex ideas. As we wrap up today's show, we're going to make this one happen, everybody. It's the old classic. Do we even know who wrote this? No clue. It's a legendary song. Do we even know who wrote this? No clue. It's a legendary song in honor of Robert from San Diego. I've been working on the railroad

all the live long day. I've been working on the railroad just to pass the time away. Everybody. Don't you hear the whistle blowing? Rise up so early in the morn. No? Y'all are the worst.

I love that verse. I learned a different version. Yeah. Cool, guys. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. So I am calling to see how to reconnect with my husband after I broke up with my boyfriend. This will be good.

Go ahead. I'm a bit of a unicorn, so I've been told. Remarried, and it was my happily ever after. We were married about nine years, and he passed away at about the one, one and a half year mark. And so I started dating, reunited with an old friend from high school. We hit it off. We were married a little over a year and he died.