The Dr. John Delony Show - Dealing With Severe Childhood Trauma

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Today, we’re talking to a young mom whose traumatic childhood has led her to return to self-harm as an adult, a new husband wondering how much of his own traumatic story he should share with his wife, and a woman who’s upset with her dad for remarrying when she’s still grieving her mom who died five months ago.  Severe childhood trauma led me to cutting & I’ve started doing it again How much do I tell my wife about childhood trauma? My mom died 5 months ago and Dad’s already remarrying! Why sleep is one of the cornerstones of mental health Lyrics of the Day: "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show, how did your brother scare you? Just, I mean, he would, like, come at me, like, across the room and, like, get into my face. When we were younger, he would, like, literally push us down and, like, get in our face and, like, pin us down and, like, wouldn't let us go. Yo, yo, yo. What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Welcome. Welcome.

We're so glad you're here. Welcome. Hey, if you are in a bad mood, have we got the show for you? I just said that. I don't even know what's coming in the show. So if you're in a bad mood, this actually might not be the show for you. It might, though. Here's what's cool about it. You're going to find out at the end whether you shouldn't have listened to it or you should have. That's the cool thing. That's what we do here on the show. If you want to be

on it, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK or give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. After this incredible show intro, you can see what just high quality this thing is. If you will, make sure you subscribe on the tubes or to podcasts, that would be awesome. One quick funny thing. So right after this show, as soon as the show's over, I'm going to sprint into the next studio over here and do a national media hit. And it's a pretty long interview on basically the biology of women's stress and the way the pandemic has

affected women's particularly in the elevated stress that women are experiencing. And this morning I was telling my wife, I was like, hey, I've got to do a long interview today about women's stress. And she just sat down on the chair and looked at me and goes, hmm, really? Tell me more, man, male. And so she was right. So I thought that was a good reminder to everybody. Sometimes I answer questions on the show. It's kind of ridiculous that I'm answering these shows, right? I don't have lived experience in all of these things. And so I always want to point back to experts when I can. I always want to point back to the science when I can.

And most importantly, the reason I love the show is that it's real people telling their real stories and the real experiences that they're having in their lives. And so always remember, man, I went to a lot of school, but I'm still figuring this out too. And I love walking alongside people. I do. And tonight, you can rest assured,

I will not be talking to my wife about what I know about women's stress. I'll be asking her, how are you? While I'm doing the dishes and vacuuming at the same time. Let's go to Tyler in Dallas. What's up, Tyler? Hi, can you hear me? I can. What's up? Okay. So I don't know where to start. Just anywhere is cool. We can make it up as we go. Okay. Okay. I have come, I guess, to the conclusion that my parents were very emotional and mature, I think is the word. And it was really hard growing up.

And I had an older brother who really scared me a lot. I just didn't know what to do. As a 15-year-old, what else do you do? I say that as a joke. How did your brother scare you? Um, just like really aggressively. It wasn't anything like, like sexual or anything, but just, I mean, he would like come at me like across the room and like get into my face.

And, um, did he ever hit you? Uh, not so much by the time I was 15, but when we were younger, um, he would like literally push us down and like get in our face and like pin us down and like, wouldn't let us go. And, and, um, you said us, did you have other siblings in the house? Yeah, I have two older brothers and a younger sister. And I would like lay awake and like be scared. And I don't know. Sometimes I just wish my sister was a little bit more vocal than I was. And I was scared for her. And I would just think like just hush.

Like you don't know what he's going to do. Yeah. And anyway, sorry. No, don't. Hold on. Never apologize. Okay? I'm so sorry that happened.

Your older brother is supposed to be your pathway through life, right? Supposed to clear the deck for his baby sister. Supposed to hold her up hold on your brother should have given you some things that he didn't give you and I'm so sorry and your parents should not have let that nonsense go on

and I'm so sorry thank you and I don't I've never actually said things like that out loud. Anyway, so I'm just by myself a lot because I just don't want to be around people. And, you know, your mind can take advantage of you sometimes. And I started like self-harming, I guess maybe is the term to use. I don't know. That's like all clinically. Tell me about what actually happens in practice.

I guess maybe like cutting myself. Yeah. And anyway, it was never for like, like suicidal reasons. It was just, I don't know how I got to that point. I don't know how, I don't know what made me think that was a good thing to do. I don't know. Um, anyway, so that's kind of the premise of my recent problems. Um, I had my, and I did that all through high school. That's kind of the premise of my recent problems.

I had my, and I did that all through high school. And then after high school, it got a lot better. My brother did eventually move out and eventually stopped coming back. And so that helped a lot. And I met my husband and that helped a lot, a lot. And, um, so I thought I was getting better. I thought I was getting better. And, um, anyway, two years ago, I had, um, my second son and around three to four months, I noticed there was just something different, and I couldn't handle it. I just couldn't handle it,

and I just sort of started, I guess, cutting myself again, and I didn't know what to do, and over time, I think I've gotten a little better. But now I worry that, like, what if it comes back? And, you know, I have kids now, and I just don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone, but I don't know, like, necessarily what to say. And I don't know like necessarily what to say. And I don't know. I'm worried that like,

I'm worried that if I start talking to like, let's say a professional, does that mean I have to kind of tell everyone else? And cause I don't, I don't want to tell everyone else. I don't know if that's like the wrong way to look at it, but I don't want anyone to know. And my husband does know as far as, um, before we met and, but he, I don't, I don't think he knows like recently and unless he just doesn't want to say, I don't know.

And I don't want him to start worrying about me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. So number one, Tyler, this is some of the bravest five minutes that has ever taken place on this show. Okay? Okay. In your heart, silence keeps you safe. Disappearing keeps you safe.

And it has your whole life. And at the same time, our bodies will scream at us from the inside out. Help, help, help, help, help, right? And you've learned, you watched your sister who talked a lot. She got it worse than you did. And you've learned silence.

And that thing that kept you alive is now slowly burying you, right? And so before we start walking into some of this, I need you to hear me say loudly, when you tell me that you're cutting, that doesn't even make my eyebrows go up. You're not broken. You're not screwed up. You're not messed up.

You're not dysfunctional. You're not less than, okay? And if you've listened to this show, people tell me things and I go, wow, oh my goodness. I'm not doing that with this, okay? Okay. I can tell that this is a coping strategy you don't want to use anymore. And I applaud that. And I think there's some way better coping strategies.

But given what you've experienced, and I bet you and I could sit down And I think there's some way better coping strategies, but given what you've experienced, and I bet you and I could sit down for a couple hours over some nachos and you could tell me some stories that would make my eyebrows go through the top of my forehead. Is that probably true? Is that honestly true? Yeah. Just things like my parents used to say. That's right. And that your brother... They'll keep me up sometimes. Yeah, there you go. And so the first thing, will you do me a huge favor? I want you to take as deep a breath as you possibly can.

Hold it all the way in. Breathe it all the way in and hold it. Ready, go. Hold it. And let it out. And right now, I bet your shoulders are two inches from your ears. I want you just to drop them down. Okay?

Saying your hurt out loud is one of the single bravest things you can do. And you just did it. And I'm so proud of you. I'm glad to call you my friend. Okay? Okay. So, cutting is, I'll do a whole show on it one day. We'll do a whole segment on it one day, okay?

That's not for today, but we'll do that one day. We'll kind of walk through it all. Ultimately, over the last 20 years, I've worked with so many young people, usually women, young women who are dealing with stressors that exceed their body's ability to help themselves. Okay. It's when like this cup only holds this much water and the pipe bursts above it. And I've been really inspired by Dr. Anna Lemke's work

about dopamine and how the pain pleasure balance works and all that. But most of the time over the last 20 years, the words I've heard repeatedly are something along the lines of, I just had to feel something. I needed a release. It doesn't even hurt. It just makes everything feel a little bit better.

Do any one of those three words apply to your situation? Yeah, I would definitely say it was just, it was, I don't know, it seemed simple. Don't minimize it. Which one of the ones that made the most sense to you just then? Maybe just had, maybe the last one. You may have to repeat it. Just that everything builds up inside so much maybe the last one you may have to repeat it just that everything builds up inside so much

and it doesn't even hurt as much as I can see it I can see the bits of blood I can see it, I can feel it and then shortly thereafter whoosh yes definitely

like how your voice is right now after taking one deep breath and dropping your shoulders. It's that, right? Mm-hmm. Our bodies release our own opioids when we're hurt. And sometimes there's a hack to it. It's not an all-the-way opiate. It's not like taking, you know, Oxys or something. But there is a path that way that sometimes just goes.

Okay. I want you to know as a little girl who had a repeated trauma with her big brother, you had a bear that your body was trying to run from, except he lived in the next room over. Right. That you have a little cup underneath the pipe that had burst and it just overflowed. And so as a high school kid, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that by yourself. You're not screwed up from cutting.

Where you end up getting yourself, where I've seen people get themselves into trouble, let me say it that way, with cutting is the shame that follows. And it's everything is about secrecy. Everything is about, I just have this, I've got this tool, I've got this hack that lets me get to the next minute and to the next minute and to the next minute. And as I've heard you say it, I don't want anyone to, if I tell a therapist, I have to tell everybody. I don't even want my husband to know. That's the language of shame. That's the language of somewhere deep inside is a little girl asking herself, why wouldn't my parents just freaking protect me? And they didn't.

Why didn't my older brother be the normal older brother and beat up my boyfriends and make jokes? But also I knew I was a princess around him. Why didn't I get that older brother, right? Does that sound right? Yes. I used to look at my friends when they're siblings and I don't know how they had that. So here is the, I want to take cutting and put it over to the side for a second, because as far as I'm concerned right now, cutting is not the problem. Cutting is the, I want to take cutting and put it over to the side for a second. Because as far as I'm concerned right now, cutting is not the problem. Cutting is the solution, okay? So when you feel that urge, and also it's super common with post-pregnancy, okay?

Postpartum cutting is super common too. There's that sense of like, I don't know, what are we doing? What are we doing? And it just builds and builds and builds and builds, right? Going back to, I've got that little cup and it's overflowing. So let's put cutting over to the side here. Okay. That's not the problem. The problem, again, this is you and I talking for just a few minutes here, but the big neon sign that I want to start with is what kept you alive is now hurting you. Okay? The same thing that kept you alive is now hurting you, and that's silence. The greatest gift you can give your body, your husband, your children, you, is to begin to tell your story.

It's to, as the great Brene Brown says, shame eats secrets for breakfast. And so what we're going to do is we're going to start to lean into a secret free life. And here's what that will do. It will be the most exposing. It will be like running down the street naked in a parade. Okay? You've never done it.

You've never had to do it. And it's going to be a skill that you're going to have to learn and practice. And it's going to come in fits and starts and rages and tears and yelling and hiding. It's going to come all that stuff. So expect it. The same as you went and had surgery and you have to go through rehab. That's where we're at now. We're going to learn how to tell what happened.

And we're going to do that with a therapist who knows what they're talking about. And when you go see a counselor, you have to tell nobody. And if the counselor tells somebody, they're breaking the law, okay? And their license gets taken away. But this story's got to be told. Just feel how your body feels right now after saying it once for the first time.

Yeah. And when you find yourself in a position where you feel like cutting, you're going to develop, and it's not going to take you super long. You're going to develop a language with your husband where you say, hey, I'm feeling really stressed right now. And that's not you being a wimp. That's not you running and hiding. That's you understanding that your voice matters, that your role in your relationship matters, that you matter. And that right now I'm starting to, things are piling up on me. Sure, we all know that seven miles down the road, what that could end up at, that could end

up as me cutting again. That could end up as me having too many drinks. Or in my house, that could end up with me and four cartons of ice cream in the middle of the front yard, and I'm not wearing a shirt. I'm just sitting there in a bathing suit like a weirdo, right? We all know where that could go. Those are all solutions. The problems are back here. Does that sound reasonable? Yeah. I'm nervous you're going to get off the phone and you're going to feel better for about five minutes and you're not going to say anything. I don't know what to say. Would you call a counselor today in your area and tell them I'm not okay? Yeah, I can. Do you promise that you'll do that? I promise. My dad, he was a homicide detective for a long time, but then he became a minister for a short season for a while, for several years. And so since my dad's a minister,

if you lie to me, you'll get struck by lightning or something like that. It's not really true. I just made that up. Do you, you'll get struck by lightning or something like that. Goodness. That's not really true. I just made that up. No. Do you promise you'll make that call? I will. Okay. I will.

And here's the second conversation. I want you to bring your husband on board. Okay. Will you tell him that you're not okay? I will. I may let him listen to this call maybe. It won't come out for like a month. Yeah, you're right.

Nice try, Tyler. I know. I know. Bye, Tyler. Okay, how about this? Okay, well, they're going to clip it, and they're going to send it to you. Is that cool? Okay, yeah, that's great.

Here's what I heard when you just mentioned your husband. He's an incredible guy, isn't he? He is. Like of all of the men who failed you before, your brothers, your dad, he stepped up, huh? Mm-hmm. Okay. It's going to be hard to reach out across that and trust. And I think he's earned that, according to you, right?

He's earned that trust. Yeah. So I want you to do it while holding his hands, okay? Okay. So here's how the conversation goes. I talked to this podcaster today and your husband's going to go, what? I thought you were, and he's going to be like,

I know, I know, I know, I made a call. And then we held hands and then you want you to hold his hands and say, I've got some hard things I got to tell you. Starting with, I'm not okay. Starting with, the stress is built up and I've got some stuff that I've got to deal with from all the way back to when I was a little girl,

but it's paying off right now. I've started cutting again. I'm stressed and I'm struggling and I'm going to reach out to a counselor and I want you to walk alongside me in this. I want you just to say it just like that. Okay. Okay.

And he sounds like a man who will grab you in his arms and holds you tight and say, I love you. I'm not going to try to solve you. I'm not going to try to give you advice. I love you. And then we're going to start from there. Is that cool? Yeah.

Is that the kind of guy he is? Yeah. He's the best. So good. So good. Can I tell you, I don't come face-to-face, nose-to-nose, eye-to-eye with bravery very often, and I did today.

And you and I could, like I said, we could spend, this is just scratching the surface of this call, and I know that, sweetie, and I know that you and I could talk for a long time about cutting and about trauma and about your brother's abuse and about your parents' dysfunction. I know all that stuff. But right now, everything is you looking in the mirror and saying, I got two little babies. I got a great husband.

And most importantly, I got me. And I'm worth this conversation. I'm worth calling and getting help. I'm worth not carrying this stuff around. I'm not carrying my parents worth this conversation. I'm worth calling and getting help. I'm worth not carrying this stuff around. I'm not carrying my parents' crap anymore. I'm not carrying my brother's crap anymore. I'm changing this family tree and it starts today. So, so grateful for you, Tyler. Bravery, bravery. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time

for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Jacob in St. Louis.

What's up, Jacob? Not much, Dr. John. How about you? Man, we're getting there, man. We're getting there. What's up? I just had a question for you um i was wondering your thoughts on how much detail of my trauma i should share with my

wife oh that's a great question tell me more um i so i've been through through a bit um lots and lots of childhood trauma um so i'm she knows that some stuff has happened. We just haven't gone into a whole lot of detail on some things. You know, she knows she's seen some of my scars, you know, things like that. So, sorry. No, dude, you're good, brother. So I just, I've got a therapist that I go to. I've got a really good group of guys around me.

I just, I don't want to add too much onto her. And I know that marriages, we're walking through life together somewhat. I just don't know where that line is because I don't want to lay her down too much. That's, man, your heart's so good, man. And good for you for doing the hard, hard work of getting a counselor,

getting a group of people around you. That's awesome. Good for you, doing the hard, hard work of getting a counselor, getting a group of people around you. That's awesome. Good for you, man. So you know this, and so I'm going to talk to the audience, and I'm going to talk to you like we're having a conversation, but really I'm talking to a broader audience for about 30 seconds. Is that cool? Totally. Yeah, absolutely. You know the difference between discussion of general trauma and gory details, right?

Yeah. There's a difference between saying, hey, that guy hit me and that guy beat the crap out of me and that guy ripped chunks of flesh out with a board because it had a nail in it, and he wouldn't stop hitting me that one time. And then he made me get dressed and go to church. Right? You see the difference in those three stories? Yeah, yeah. And what I've found in my own personal life, dealing with my own trauma and walking alongside folks is there's this, I want to be known, and I want to be fully known, and I want to be known and I want to be fully known and I want to be fully loved. I want both of those things.

I think that's the core human need, right? Is to be known and loved. And when I can let somebody know and say, hey, I was abused and they'll go, man, I'm so sorry. And then I want to be like, yeah, but you don't fully know. Hold on. Right. And the temptation is to keep going and going and going. And then here's the other temptation.

For most people who were abused, had some sort of trauma, who then go on a healing journey, we become protectors. Am I right? Yeah, yeah. That's absolutely me. We look out for the others. That becomes our life's work. I'm on a podcast right now, right? I mean, it's like help.

This is what we become. This is who we become. We help other people, whether we're accountants and we notice that woman at the coffee machine, her head's hanging a little low. We just become highly attuned to other people's hurt. Why?

Because it kept us alive. Kept us safe, right? So here's what I'm going to challenge you to do. And this is hard. Actually, before I challenge you with my challenge, I'm going to write my challenge down here. Why now? Why has this come up?

I stuffed it for a while. And it's been four years of therapy. And I just recently got married, actually. So five weeks tomorrow. um, four years of therapy. Um, and I just recently got married actually. So, uh, five weeks tomorrow. Um, so that's probably part of it. Yeah. Or as they say, all of it, um, is any of your trauma family and origin? Tell me some high level, as much as you're comfortable with. High level. Um, I was abused sexually in some ways by my mother and father, physically abused father, stepfather, mother, a couple elementary school teachers as well.

That's the super high level, but mostly family of origin. So your brain's got a, it's put a pin, right? It's put a GPS pin and a couple of origin. Yeah. So your brain's got a, got a, it's put a pin, right? It's put a GPS pin in a couple of narratives. Husband and wife, not safe. Teachers, not safe. Uncles, not safe, right? See where I'm going? Or men in power over me, not safe. Yeah, absolutely. What do you do for a living right now? I'm a program manager in a training department. Okay. So I make sure everybody gets trained. There you go. You will make sure everybody.

Gosh, the trauma just keeps replaying itself. Or the roots, the rings. My dad used to say, like, you throw a brick into a lake and the rings just go, right? And people who have been experienced trauma who then go on to become helpers, it's just, it's almost like a script sometimes. So you get married, you bring somebody really, really close to you, your body's gonna sound the alarms that,

hey, we remember this, Jacob, not good, not good, right? Yeah, yep. And you also have done enough work and you're an extraordinary, golly, I wish I could connect you with the previous caller, man, because she was brave as all get out. You're brave as all get out

and you're just her down the road a bit because she's starting her bravery journey now. Yeah. And that's not true. She's been on a brave journey forever. She's starting her, the healing process in a new way. I'm proud of her.

I just wanted to yell through the phone. I know. I know me too. I just want to, yeah, it's so good, man. But Hey, she'll hear the chorus of people who love her too. And you will also. Um, so you've done enough of your work to know the only way to have a good marriage. The only way for you to continue to heal is to actually get closer to the relationship.

At the same time, your body is going, what are you doing? Right? Yeah, exactly. And you're going to try to protect your wife. And so here's the challenge for you, okay? Okay. Is to let her be an adult. And this is what I mean by that.

How old is she? She's a year older than me. She's 29. Okay. All right. So she's seen life too. It's not like you're 19 and she's 18, right? Yeah.

And I know internet's, I'm an ageist when it comes to some of this stuff. Just everybody has to shake it off. So she's 29, you're 28. This is where you invite her in. Invite her to a counseling session or you let her know I think at some point in our relationship I'm going to want to tell you

some of the depths of the things I've experienced but I also want to respect your boundaries of what you want to hear what you can hear what you're interested in hearing. And let her own her own autonomy. Okay. And you're going to have to dial back the protector impulse you have, which you've developed honestly and good over the last 20 years, 30 years. And also you're going to, you're going to be co-creating a new relationship that you've never experienced before, which is where both people say their needs out loud and

both people work to help the other person meet their needs. You see how, how, what we're doing here? Yeah. Yeah, I do. So don't protect her and don't bomb her either. Invite her into the conversation and also say, if you don't want to hear the gory details, and you may want to use more sophisticated, eloquent language than that. My wife tells me that sometimes I'm a little bit obtuse when I just put things out there and I could probably be a little more sensitive.

If she wants to hear some of the details, you would love to tell her someday. You'd love to invite her into that conversation when she's ready, if she's ready. Um, and you may want to do that with your counselor the first time because that's been a safe place for you to do your trauma work, right? Yeah. And she's part of the reason I married her is, uh, she actually started going to counseling with me before I even proposed. Oh, there you go. So you all have a routine already, right? We do. We do.

Okay. And so maybe in your next counseling session, does she still go with you? Yeah. Yeah. We alternate. So one week, one of us, and then the other week we'll go together. Golly, dude, your marriage. your marriage you realize dude you have changed your family tree you did jacob jacob no no not going you did and most people at the walmart or wherever aren't gonna see underneath your flannel shirt that you're wearing and see all those scars and the burn marks and the scars they're not going to see it but your grandkids that haven't been born yet will be a beneficiary because you turn and stare down that forest fire like i do i don't want you to miss that because the four years every other week

it turns into this and i'm going to work and i'm making sure billy hasn't turned his programming thing in and the TPS reports and the cover sheets. I need you to hear me say the work you have done is generational and I'm proud of you. And it sucked, didn't it?

Yeah, yeah. It sucked a lot. The way you said it was awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did, John. Thanks for bringing that up, idiot. Yes, it's so hard. I'm so, so proud of you. I mean, there couldn't be a better call on planet Earth. I'm so grateful that these things lined up

this way. Jenna, man, Kelly, y'all, so great that Tyler entering into the story and you at the transition phase, man, so beautiful, so beautiful. I'm proud of you, my brother. Invite her into that conversation. You guys are way down the road. I'd bring it up at the next counseling session and just say, hey, I would like to invite you into some deeper details here. And I want to give you permission to say, I don't want to be a part of those things. I love you and I don't need to know those things, or I am interested in knowing those things deeper. And give her permission and don't hate her either way. Don't get upset either way.

It's not personal. It's her stating her boundaries and her needs, which are awesome. And they'll shift over time too, one way or the other. So, so incredible. I'm gonna give you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I'm gonna send you two actually, one for you and one for your wife.

And when y'all get done with them, you can give one to a friend of yours who's working through a similar thing. A lot of folks who've made the turn you've made dealing with severe childhood trauma, who've gone on to be a helper and done their own work. Other people who've been traumatized, just find them. It's just the way the world works, man. And you'll be able to hand this book. So I'm going to send you two copies of this. Thank you so much for being awesome. And Kelly, let's send one to Tyler too. That'd be awesome. Awesome. All right. Hey, everybody, we'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Jennifer in Ann Arbor, Michigan. What's up, Jennifer? Not much. How are you? Good. Are you a huge Ohio State fan? Uh, no.

Uh, no. In fact, I'm hanging up. How are you? I'm okay. I'm okay. Just dealing with some family issues. Aren't we all? What you got? What you got? So, at the end of September, my mom died.

Can we just park there for a second? What was her name? Catherine. Had she passed away? She actually had ALS, but we didn't find that out until the January of that year. So she passed about 10 months, yeah, almost 10 months after we found out. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's okay.

She'd been dealing with something we couldn't, nobody could figure it out for a couple of years. So it was good that she passed quickly because she was basically bedridden. That's so hard. That's so hard on everybody, man. Yeah. So then the family showed up. Then what happened? Well, that all went okay.

But two weeks ago, my dad called and dropped a bomb on me. And the bomb is that he's getting remarried. I was going to say, is he getting married? Oh, my gosh. To who? Somebody from church that he's only known for about three months um and you know that my dad was the youngest child of six and when he moved out from his parents he moved in with my uncle and then he met my mom and married my mom and moved in with my mom. So he's never lived alone and had to take care of himself.

So I understand that he's really lonely and probably hungry too. But the thing that bothered me, I wasn't even really upset that he was going to move on. I wasn't even really upset about that. How old is he? He'll be 72 this year. Okay. All right. What I'm upset about, though, is that he didn't even give one second thought about me in this whole process.

And I'm his only child. I have a half brother, but he's my mom's son. Um, you know, like he never told me he was dating anybody. He never told me that he was spending time with anyone. And I would,

I, you know, I called him weekly cause he knew, I knew he was lonely. He only had the dog and the TV for company. Um, you know, it was like he didn't want me there. Yeah. Can I reframe it for you?

Sure. I just talked to somebody recently, very similar experience, very similar age. And the word, and they've started talking to somebody. And the word that kept coming up over and over was guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. And I'm imagining a scenario, right? I'm making this up. So there's two stories here. One is your dad's a jerk. He's cutting his daughter out. He's like, screw you.

I only got 20 years left. I'm going to ride till the wheels fall off and you're not a part of it. That could be story one. Okay. Story two could be, I want to give my daughter as much time as possible to grieve her mama

and the picture of our family and the good stuff and the bad stuff and the messy stuff. I don't want to break her heart. But God, I'm lonely too. And then Miss Thang just walks in here to the church, and then it's all right, and then that happens. And then Celine Dion starts playing,

and the whole thing just, here we go. So I think there's really two ways you can move forward. One way is you can sit down and tell your dad, hey, dad, I just need you to know this hurt my feelings. Yeah. Well, you don't even know the rest of the story. Oh, okay, bring it, bring it. So I did talk to my dad,

and he said he was sorry for hurting me. I'm like, you're not hurting me that you want to get married. You're hurting me that you're excluding me from it. Okay, so hold on. Can we just stop? God, this is like the show of bravery. Good for you! You expressed your feelings to your dad, man. What a rock star. This is like the

I'm going to put all three of y'all's faces on the cover of the show. I won't actually do that, but wow. So I rarely talk to them. They're like, what? I can tell my dad how I feel? Good for you! And then it went sideways. So what happened? It did go sideways. So I rarely talk to, they're like, what? I can tell my dad how I feel. Good for you. And I said, can't, you know, can't you wait until we're down there in May? Like, you know, two of my boys are going to be able to come. And my husband and I will be down there. Could you wait so that we can all be together and do this?

And he said, well, I'll talk to her. And then she actually messaged me on Facebook and said they were going to wait. But then my mom's best friend called me and said, your dad just came over here and invited us to the wedding. And it's April 2nd. So they're not waiting. Did you call your dad back? My dad has not called me and told me that they decided not to wait. Did you call him back?

No, I haven't. I haven't. I just did all of this praising about how brave you were, and I take it all back. All of it. I'm just kidding. I just wasn't, I wasn't sure. I wasn't, I don't know. I kind of feel like it's his responsibility as my dad to call me and say, hey, I know we told you we're going to wait, but we're not going to wait.

And, you know, you can sing the wedding from the church and here's what day we're doing it, what time we're doing it. And he hasn't done that. And so I just, I don't know. I didn't know if I should call him and call him out or. I, if based on what you've told me about your relationship with him so far, I would, because I'm not, especially like a message from somebody else, from somebody else on Facebook, I'm not, especially like a message from somebody else on Facebook, I'm not going to let that affect my physiology and biology until I can just talk to the real person. Yeah. And so I'm just going to, yeah, I would be on the phone and just say, did you move your wedding up to April 2nd? Or I just got a message from a message that you moved your wedding up to April 2nd.

Is that accurate? And part of me in my guts thinks that you know that's probably actually what's happening. Is that what you think? Oh, yeah. My half-brother told me, yeah, dad texted me and invited me to the wedding, and it's on April 2nd. Hmm. So all the stuff I said earlier, if you're listening to this show and it applies to you, great. so can we like so all all the stuff I said earlier if you're listening to this show

and it applies to you great Jennifer I'm just gonna say I'm sorry that sucks it does like your dad kinda hosed you and I'm sorry yeah

I wish it wasn't like that and there's part of you that feels like you're it's not it's not feels like you're lost it's not, it's not, it feels like you're lost to parents. And that's, that's hard.

Yeah. I feel like, you know, she's got three daughters. They all live down there. He's got a new family and it's, we're moving forward. You know,

you're part of the past. So, yeah. I mean, I don't really think that he feels like that, but that's kind of how it's making me feel. 1000%. And it's hard when you've expressed your feelings and the person in front of you says, I hear you, thank you so much. Then they go do exactly opposite or they're dishonest with you.

Right. It's brutal, man. That gets in your soul, right? I'm sorry that happened. So, yeah, I wish I had another nicer way. Like your dad's just hosing you he's allowed to do whatever he wants to do he's not

being a person of character he's not being a person of integrity he's not respecting his daughter and I'm sorry because you deserve all three of those things your dad's integrity your dad's respect and I hate that for you man so ultimately Integrity or dad's respect. And I hate that for you, man.

So ultimately, when it all distills down, you can't do a single thing about him. His actions, his thoughts, his love for this woman, none of that. Right. All you can deal with is you. So my question for you is what's next? What are you going to do? That's why I haven't called him because I just wasn't sure how I wanted to handle it. Okay. Yet.

It sounds like the two paths forward are to get in touch with him and say, hey, did you move your thing to April 2nd? And not in an exasperated way, just a factual, facts of your friends. Like, hey, did you move this to April 2nd? And you know what you could do? You could send flowers. Just be like, we can't make it on that day. And we'd already told you, we can send flowers. And we wish you all the best. And in four months, when this thing's off the rails, being weird, and he calls you,

then you can make that choice then. The other thing you can do is go to war. And I just, you got a guy who's broken and grieving and war is just going to end up in piles of bodies. Why? You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I do.

I don't think your dad's moving on from you forever. I think your dad has found a tiny flashlight in a giant pit of despair and it's something that he just keeps staring directly into the middle of. And I think that will resurface in a few months. Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe your dad hasn't liked you ever

and this is his moment to finally escape, Jennifer. Finally. And he's going to be on the front row with his face painted in Ohio State garb. Maybe that's the case. And he's been in your Michigan family forever. My guess is probably not. But I will say this, just as your friend, I'm sorry. You deserve better than that.

Thank you. I wish there was another thing. I wish I could give you another thing. It just kind of is what it is. No, yeah. That's what my husband says too. And hey, let's be super honest. Is there anything worse than when your husband's like, right?

What's the worst? My husband's always right. Somebody finally said it. Somebody finally said it. Well, Jennifer, I'm so grateful for you. Thanks for calling and walking us through and letting me throw all my theses, theses, theses, thesi, I don't know how to say that.

All of my thoughts against a wall. But yeah, man. That's just hard. I'm sorry. Being left out of the new wedding and the new life and the new all of this. So, so hard. If I'm you, I'd call him. That's the best I can say. I'd call him and say, hey, did you move it

to April 2nd? And then I'm going to send flowers and then I'm going to move on. And I hate that, hate that, hate that kid. He's your dad. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, let's take a breather. Those calls, man, calls on today's show were heavy. They just were heavy. And there's some excitement and there is some deep, deep hurt

and trepidation. And there was also some just like they left me, right? This has been a heavy show. I want to pivot a little bit and just do a quick, man, I talk about this so much. Got a partnership with a mattress company. I tell everybody on planet earth 10 times over, they need to be listening to podcasts with Dr. Matthew Walker on them, who's one of the sleep gurus. In my new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and I just hear anytime somebody hears the phrase in my new book, they're like, ah, right, I'm done with the podcast. Hang with me, hang with me. One of the important things we talk about is this idea that we've become smarter than sleep. I'm obsessed with it, yes, but we've become smarter than sleep.

Sleep was a thing that we had to do until we came up with better things. In the 40s, Americans slept eight hours per night in the 1940s. And our average today is about six and a half hours. In less than a century, we've lost almost 20%, 15, 20% of our sleep. We just lopped it off. And on most nights, 40% of people in the US, one of two, are sleeping less than six hours a night. Please hear me say this. That is catastrophic. You can go to all the counseling. You can eat all the keto diets or be fully vegan.

You can have all the deep tissue massages and YOLOs and treat yourselves you want. If your body isn't getting the restorative sleep it needs, none of that matters. It just doesn't matter. It's like you can build the coolest, biggest, awesomest house with solar panels and out of concrete and steel and lasers and whatever. And if you build it on a poor foundation,

the whole thing falls down, all of it. Somewhere between the 1940s and the start of time, the dawn of time, and between the 1940s and today, with all the lights and screens and events, we used to not be able to go to Roman Coliseums at nine o'clock at night because there was no light.

They had to do that stuff during the day. Go back and watch those cool old movies. All the cool sporting events were in the middle of the day because there was no lighting rigs, right? We have 24-hour news cycles. All these things, sleep has now become something that's in the way. It's in the way of our productivity.

It's in the way of our entertainment. It's in the way of our fill in the blank. So we're not just skipping it. We're telling ourselves a story that is optional and that we can come up with other things to do instead. And it's not. Sleep and lack of sleep affects everything. Cardiovascular, reproductive, metabolic systems, our immunity, emotional, mental health, our attention span, everything. Everything is affected by sleep. Dr. Walker says that every single human function is improved or enhanced with sleep. Let me say that again.

Every single human function is improved with sleep. And every single known psychiatric disorder involves impaired sleep. Long story short, the less a person sleeps, the more likely they are to die sooner and painfully. So take a quick, honest inventory of your sleep. How long do you sleep each night? And probably subtract an hour from that. Because if you like lay down at nine and you read or toss and turn or talk or whatever,

then it's 9.30-ish before you're actually starting to fade. And it's about 9.35-ish to 9.50-ish to 10 o'clock-ish, depending on what your sleep latency is, until you're actually asleep. And then you go to the bathroom, you get up, all these things you didn't even know. So take an honest inventory of your sleep. How long do you sleep each night?

Do you turn off screens an hour or two before bed? Do you treat sleep like it's optional or you treat sleep like the core life-giving function that it is? Being well, you have to rewrite these stories. It's things like sleep are optional, that food can be whatever. Like we have to redo those stories. You have to rewrite them and flip these things over so that we can live well and whole lives. And again, I talk about these stories. You have to rewrite them and flip these things over so that we can live well and whole lives. And again, I talk about these stories in my new book, Own Your Past,

Change Your Future. If you pre-order today, you'll get so many bonus items, including as we've continued to talk, I'm so grateful for my friends at betterhelp.com. Had some time to hang out with them in Los Angeles. They are extraordinary, Who are giving away a free month of therapy for people who pre-order the book. Go to johndeloney.com today. Pre-order the book. Get it, get it, get it. It's 20 bucks, man.

And it can change everything. As we wrap up today's show, we're gonna just right on the nose, guys. But this is this is literally one of my top 10 albums of all time

off the License to Ill record I remember I got in trouble my parents found this tape under my bed or something and my dad was like License to Kill and I was like

no dad it's License to Ill and I remember him being like I don't know what that means but he didn't say it because he was a dad in the 80s and he just looked at me. Does not compute. Gotcha, dad.

License to ill record, the Beastie Boys and their classic, No Sleep Till Brooklyn. And it goes like this. No sleep till Brooklyn. It's kind of an on-the-nose intro there. Foot on the pedal, never ever false metal. Engine running hotter than a boiling kettle. My job's ain't a job, it's a damn good time. And city to city, I'm running my rhymes on location.

Touring around the nation. Beastie boys always on vacation. Itchy trigger finger, but a stable turntable. I do what I do best because I'm illing and able. Ain't no faking your money I'm taking. Going coast to coast. No sleep till Brooklyn. We'll see you later. Coming up on the next episode. So I recently got diagnosed with OCD. Welcome to the club. Welcome to the gang. It's so fun.

Isn't it though? It's been a good time. Isn't it though? Hey, most people just do things once. We get to do them a bunch of times. And it doesn't make us feel any better. My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends. It sounds like you're going to be miserable.

I don't think I'm miserable, really. I just... Yeah, but it makes you jealous. And you wonder going to be miserable. Yeah, but it makes you jealous, and you wonder what's going on, and you wonder why not you. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that's misery.