The Dr. John Delony Show - Depression, Adoption, & Tech Boundaries with Kids

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 4:04: My husband is going through deep depression; how do I support him? 20:50: I'm retiring next year with plenty of money but no plan on what to do 26:35: Teaching Segment: Tech boundaries for kids 36:42: A caller tells his story about his own video game addiction 41:49: I put a child up for an open adoption 3 years ago and it is getting difficult as she gets older 50:46: Lyrics of the day: "Love Song" - Tesla tags: depression, counseling, retirement, goals, technology, boundaries, kids, addiction, screen time, video games, adoption, parenting These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we're going to talk about loving somebody who's got depression. We've got a couple on, and they're going to talk about their dynamic in their home. We're going to talk to a young woman who gave her daughter up for adoption three years ago, and she's struggling with that phone call every week. We're going to talk to an awesome woman who is in retirement, has plenty of money, and wants to know, after a lifetime of service to her kids and to her family and to her business, is it okay just to bike across America and have fun and adventures? We're going to talk about tech boundaries with our kids.

Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. The show for you, about you, by you. We talk about relationships, relational IQ, your mental health, parenting, falling in love, falling out of love. We talk about being on an elevator. Crowded. Everybody's all masked up and then a door opens. And then instead of people being

humans and waiting their turn for people to get off the elevator, they all just start piling in like weird fish swimming the wrong way down the stream. Listen, here's the rules. When the doors open, the people on the elevator get off first and then the people outside get in. Everybody listen, we all took the elevator. We were all too lazy to take the stairs, or we couldn't take the stairs, whatever works. We're all going to get there a little bit sooner because we took the metal box going up and down.

Let's just all wait for people to get off the elevator, and then you get on. Now we're all on the same page. So if you're looking for honesty in a world where truth doesn't exist anymore, if you're looking for a stranger's opinion on what to do next, I'm here. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291.

Email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. We're getting emails from all over the world. It's awesome. And hey, here's a quick note, a quick plug. I'm getting so many wonderful calls, so many wonderful emails. People are sending their opinions on things. I wish I'd answered it this way or not that way.

I love those. Keep sending them. I'm learning still. I'm getting good information. I've got a team of counselors and mental health professionals and medical professionals across the country that I check in with. I ask them to listen to some calls. We talk about things. So I'm continuing to learn here too. One thing that I hear all the time is, I love your show so much. I love your show so much. And I always am crying by the time it's over. And I love that these calls are resonating.

The people are calling and they're being honest and they're being truthful and their authenticity is ringing through the phone. Like it's making its way through our headphones, through our podcast and through the YouTube, right? But I also want to make sure I'm putting some positivity out in the world. I'm putting some joy out into the world. And so I want to start a segment on this show that just acknowledges one excellent person. One person who's being an outstanding husband, an outstanding wife, an outstanding kid, an outstanding dad who used to be a crappy father and he's turned it around. Or somebody who was not a great mom growing up.

She had a lot of struggles and now she's the best grandma ever. So if you've got somebody in your life that you'd like to shout out, an awesome neighbor who loves your kids well, a great wife, a great husband, a wonderful boyfriend. Send it in. Email me. Tell me what's going on, how awesome they are, and we're going to put it on the show. I may even call you and have you give them a shout out on the show too. I just want to create a segment that's just like way to go once a week or something like that. Something positive that we can end the show with. I think that'd be excellent. So thank you so much for the calls, for the reviews, for the shows. We've got hundreds of thousands of downloads in just a few weeks. It's just blowing my mind here. But thank you so, so

much. We're doing something a little bit different today. We're going to talk to a couple. We're going to talk to Carolyn and Matt in Wisconsin, and I'm looking forward to hearing what they've got going on in their world. Good morning, Carolyn and Matt. How can I help? Hi, Dr. John. Good morning. It's good to talk to you good folks. How's Wisconsin? Yeah. Well, it's getting cold's getting cold already, huh? Yeah, but it's beautiful this time of year. Lots of fall colors still. Oh, I love it. I love it. So how can I help this morning? So I guess I will start. Um, my, so my husband is going through a pretty serious depressive episode, something I've never experienced in my life before.

And ultimately, my question is, what can I do to help him because I'm just at a loss? And I guess I'll let Matt kind of explain where he's coming from. Yeah, so Dr. John, probably about three months ago, and I mean, this entire year has just been kind of mentally taxing but about three months ago I just kind of went to a pretty dark place and it's been pretty difficult and I sought out counseling rather quickly and ended up working with my doctor as well to see about medication. So I'm trying to be proactive with this thing, but it's really been pretty tough. So when you say dark place and pretty tough, those are general words. What do you mean by that?

Be specific. Well, yeah. So, um, I think the thing that's been the most alarming is that emotionally I've just felt checked out. Um, it's been really difficult for me to be present in, in situations. I mean, we have a one-year-old daughter, um, and she just had her birthday, um, a couple of weeks ago and, and I found it really difficult to be present during that. And so I just, I felt really, I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately just by work and our living arrangements and just, you know, the fact that being 25 and both of us being 25 and having student debt and needing to get out of that and just life just ramped up. And it feels like, you know, obviously it's never going to slow down, but I just, I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. So before I dig in a little bit deeper, Matt, I want to tell you, brother, I want to high five you. I want to give you a hug from Nashville. It took a lot of courage for you to go see somebody, to get on the right meds and to say something pretty quick that you are

struggling. And so I want to give you a shout out. That's impressive. And that's a good deal. And that also for whatever it's worth is a sign of good things to come. One of the most challenging things when folks get down into that dark hole and they feel like they're underwater is they don't reach out. And you did. And I want you to know that bodes well for you getting well in the future. Okay. So talk to me about how long this has lasted. Is this something you dealt with as a kid? Is this kind of out of nowhere? You have a new baby in the house and all of a sudden you just feel like you're getting dragged under the carpet? What's the trajectory on this? How long has this been going on? Well, I think I didn't

really experience anything like this when I was a kid. And I think that's the thing that's been most alarming to me. It's just not ever, you know what I mean? Honestly, I've never felt this way, but it's almost like you don't feel anything. You know, that's almost what it feels like. You just, you know, you're kind of void of feeling. But this year, I mean, everything with work, everything just kind of hit the fan. And I probably didn't really see the warning signs that things weren't going well, you know, like just becoming quick tempered and, um, not really engaging in the workplace of July. So it's been just shy of three months that things got really quite bad. And honestly, if I, if I'm honest with myself and through counseling, um, getting to see what kind of led up to this point that, um, there were definite

warning signs that I probably just didn't make note of. Um, that probably, you know, should have, I don't know, should have, should have been a little more obvious to me,

but so, uh, ramps up. So Carolyn, tell me how this experience has been for you. Be specific. What have you been experiencing? So it's,

it's been kind of tough because, um like I'm the only, I'm sorry. No, you're good. Like I have to be the adult. Right. I have to make sure that our daughter is getting taken care of and we're hitting our goals financially and just all those things that we were always a team for. Because he struggled to be present, it's hard for me to talk to him. I feel like anything that I say to him, I should be saying something

that's going to be helping him. And because I'm struggling to talk to him, he feels like he's a million miles away from me. And obviously, I don't want him to feel that way. I want him to know that I'm right here. I want to help him. I want to be here. And we're going to get through it together. But it's difficult for me to, I don't know, I just, I feel like it's wrong with me to want to continue to work on these other life things when he's going through this. So I want to give you a shout out too for being brave and saying what's actually in your heart. Because the demon of being in love with somebody who's struggling with something

is that you feel guilty for having your own feelings and for being frustrated and for feeling like you've got to be, as you said perfectly, the only adult in the house, right? And it's exhausting and it's a beating. And at the same time, you can't say that out loud, right? And it's exhausting and it's a beating. And at the same time, you can't say that out loud, right? Because you feel like you're going to put another foot on somebody's head who's already drowning, right? Exactly. Yeah. And so I want to high five you for being a supportive spouse who loves her husband and who is trying to raise a little baby and who is brave enough and bold enough to have her own feelings and be able to express

them. That's a big deal. Okay. And I want you to minimize that. Cool. So, hey, Matt, do you love your wife? Yeah, more than anything. Do you trust her?

More than anything. Yep. Okay. When you've worked with your doctor, what did they, did they give you some diagnosis? Did they tell you you've got something? Yeah, my doctor was pretty convinced just based off of talking with me for a few minutes that she thinks I was going through a rather severe bout of depression and might have been compounded by some anxiety brought on by various situations that happened this year. Um, so, and then my counselor feels the same way, um, and actually recommended that I reach out to my, my doctor and actually was working with

my doctor hand in hand, which was really nice. That's awesome. Have you had suicidal thoughts? Have you thought about hurting yourself? No, I haven't. Okay. Okay. So I want to give you all a couple of things to think through as a couple. And I'm going to, Matt, I'm going to talk more to Carolyn. Okay.

But I want to give you some thoughts too. And you're working with two professionals. And so I want to, I don't want to get in the weeds. I don't want to get in the way of the work they're doing together with you. Okay. But I'll give you some 30,000 foot stuff. Here's a couple of she's and he's right. So it's important for Carolyn. It's important for you when he sits down and has the courage to tell you, here's what I'm feeling right now. it's important not to minimize that with, yeah, but we have this and, yeah, but we have that. And I know that's hard, right? But on the other hand, Matt, it's important that when you are having up moments, when you are not in the toilet, when you are not underwater, that you're able to talk to her with words.

Okay? You hear that, Matt? Yep. And she probably experiences you under a blanket or experiences you staying in bed yet again. And what happens is there becomes this little sliver, becomes a break, and that gulf gets wider and wider. And then you touch less, and then you kiss less,

and then you talk less, and you kiss less and then you talk less and suddenly you are a thousand miles apart, right? Even though you're sleeping in the same bed. And so it's important that you use words. And at the same time, you've got to trust her that if she tells you something that she's not lying to you, right? Right. The most important thing I want people with depression to hear is that your feelings are real and that your feelings lie to you. And one of the greatest

gifts, somebody who's struggling from depression is somebody that is trustworthy, that's with them, walking alongside them, that can say, I get that you feel like this is always going to be this way, but it's not. I get that you feel like your business is all your fault and that you're a terrible dad and you're not. And that's when somebody who's struggling with depression can just gently, gently lean against that truth and know the nerd word is cognitive distortions. My brain's lying to me right now. I am a person of value. I am worthy of my daughter's love and my wife's love, and she's doing what she can, right? And so the challenge for you, Carolyn, is to continue to be honest and to continue to speak your truth and to be honest with him directly but not in a way that crushes him, right? And that's like you're going to have to be walking a tightrope. And by the way, you're carrying a one-year-old around, right?

Right. So here's what I'd recommend. I'd recommend you set up some specific times when you want to have conversations about you, and you're allowed to do that. And Matt, I'm going to ask you as part of your little wins to know that she needs you too, right? Because you have value in this relationship. You're important in this relationship. And I want you to be a part of her being well too, right? Right. And one of the suckers, one of the demons of depression is that you got no value. So here is your wife needs you, your daughter needs you. And so when she says, hey, let's have a, let's have, go for a walk today, let's have a talk today, I want you to feel empowered and feel like, sweet, I've got value here.

I may be sucking at work. I may not want to get out of bed, but I'm going to trust her, and I'm going to lean up against this, and we're going to have this conversation. And I want you, Carolyn, to focus on a series of little wins. My guess is you know before he does when he's headed down a path. Is that fair? Yes. I would say so. You could probably tell he eats a little bit less. He's starting to be a little bit quieter, a little bit sharper. He's going to bed a little bit earlier, right? You can usually tell. A good

partner can tell. Oh man, here we go again. My wife will tell me, you've spent a lot of time X, Y, and Z the last two days. And that's a good signal to me that I'm headed down a road I didn't even know I was on, right? And Matt, I want you to trust her that when she sets up – and Carolyn, I want you to go take some time and think about five or ten behaviors that you see in Matt that are signal behaviors. He's headed down a road. He's starting to eat a lot more Doritos and Twinkies this week or whatever the thing is. And then, Matt, I want you to be encouraged this way. I want you to trust her and not get heartbroken and frustrated.

And I know that's super easy, right? That's the demon of depression. You can't just not do it. But I want you to – it's just a matter of a degree to lean up against her and trust her and her, and she's being honest with you. Is that fair? Okay. Yep. And then I want you to, and there's gonna be days when you look at her and say, I just can't go for that walk. And don't beat yourself up. Don't, don't grind yourself down. She'll say, great. I'm going for that walk. And I want you to go Carolyn. And I want you to take the baby. And Matt, if you can, if you can make yourself go, go. And if you can't make yourself

go, lean up against her and see if you can go again. Okay. This is about little tiny wins. And what's going to slowly start happening, you're going to work with your counselor still, you're going to continue to work with your doctor. And most importantly, you're going to begin to reconnect with your wife. And I want you to hold that baby girl. And when you have feelings of, I suck as a dad, I want you to challenge those feelings because here's the deal, you don't. And when you have those feelings of, I'm being a crummy husband, I'm not good enough to be a husband and a dad, I want you to know your feelings are lying to you. And you have a woman that you trust and she's telling you that's not true.

That's not true. Carolyn, I want you to work with him. I want you to work with yourself on putting your thoughts out on paper and challenging them, right? Demanding evidence from those thoughts, those dark, dark, circular, just thoughts, right? And continue and continue. And here's the deal, Carolyn, do you have somebody that you can talk to right now? Probably. I haven't really thought about it. So here's the suckiest part about loving somebody who's hurting.

You are the only person that can take care of you and you can't fix them. And so the best thing you can do for you right now is to be well. The best thing you can do for your one-year-old little baby right now is you be well. And we've talked a lot. We've talked for 15 minutes about you helping him, but the reality is you've got to help yourself here. And so you need to make sure you're exercising. You've got to put on your oxygen mask first.

You've got to exercise. You've got to find friends or a counselor to talk to. You've got to spend quality, one-on-one eye contact, joyful laughing time with that little baby. And that's going to lift up the entire house like a hot air

balloon, right? Okay. You can't, listen to me, you cannot feel guilty for taking care of yourself in this season, okay? Okay. Do you promise? I promise. Say, I promise.

I promise. All right. That little girl needs you, you need you, and Matt needs you. Loving somebody with depression is hard, but it's also gritty, gnarly work that is good, and it is right, and it's holy, and it's hard, and it's tearful. If anybody listening to this hears a couple of things, depression lies to you. It tells you this is your fault. This is always going to be this way. And eventually it rolls into, and you're a burden on those around you. And that's a lie.

It's not true. And if you love somebody with depression, you can't see their broken leg. You can't see their bloody knees. And so it begins to feel like, is this real? Because I'm carrying all this crap. And I want to tell you, folks who are struggling in the throes of depression, it's very real. And you all know me enough. I'm not a huge fan of just racing to medication.

If you are struggling with depression, medication is often a great support system, especially for helping you climb out of that pit and begin to do the hard work of counseling and the hard work of reconnecting. Depression is rarely from a single thing. It just comes on you, and it's often seasonal. And so I'm encouraged by the fact that he didn't experience this as a young child. I'm encouraged by the fact that they've got a one-year-old baby in the house and this kind of came on him in a season. And that tells me that it could be seasonal, especially if he continues to be brave and do the hard work. Matt, you are blessed beyond measure to have Carolyn. And Carolyn, you are a saint and a wonderful wife.

High five to you. Ah, what a blessing. All right, let's go to Lexington, Kentucky and talk to Eva. How are we doing this morning, Eva? Good morning, Dr. Darnie. Thank you for taking my call. I'm doing well. Thank you for calling.

It's my pleasure. How can I help this morning? Well, I'm 61 years old, and I decided to retire next year. Okay. And financially, we'll be fine. That's not a problem. I'm kind of struggling with the transition, though. Why are you struggling? Well, you know, all our life, we were working full-time. We raised

three children. So our life was pretty busy and I was always busy. And I just worry that one day I will wake up and, you know, think how I'm going to justify my existence. So you've got all the money to retire, you've raised your kids, and now you're wondering what was it all for? No, no, no, not in that sense. It's just that I don't want to spend the rest of my life, you know, just watching Netflix

and seeing the birds fly by. And I have some things that I want to do, you know, but they are fun things. So, Eva, what are they? What do you want to do? Well, I'm thinking about riding bicycle across America. Do it! The whole way. Do it!

So what's stopping you from going to buy an awesome bike, besides that it's winter, going to get a bike and riding it across the country? What's stopping you? Well, no, I'm going to do it. Yes! Good. But, you know, it's all

everything that I want to do, like travel and spend time with family. It's all fun, right? And I feel like I'm, you know, I worry that I will feel like I don't contribute anything. That's my problem. Tell me about how many kids you have. Three. Are they wonderful?

They're good kids, yes. Did you do a good job? I hope so. No! Eva, Did you do a good job? I hope so. No! Eva, did you do a good job? I guess. They're not in jail. Do you have any grandkids?

Not yet. But they're coming? I hope so. You know, the kids are just coming out of college. Ah, okay. So here's the thing, Eva. You deserve to have fun. And joy is fun and adventure is a cornerstone part of a good whole life.

And I've never heard – I've sat with a lot of people who have passed away. I've sat with a lot of people whose loved ones have passed away. I've never, ever heard somebody say, I wish I had less, fewer adventures. I wish I'd had less fun. And I wish I had just worked more and produced more. I've never heard that sentence. That's very true, yeah. And one of the things folks do when they they get in a season of mission a

season of focus or productivity when you got three kids you've got a business you've been successful so that you can i mean you can uh graduate literally graduate you can retire at 61 is you get driven and you produce and you focus and you do and you accomplish and you achieve. And man, if you don't stop along the way to ride the bike across America, man, that's what you're going to regret. So I want you, Eva, to have as much permission as you want to go have fun, go have adventures. I know you. You're going to have that first grandkid and you're going to be that crazy grandma who wants to move in next door. You're going to be all in their business

and it's going to be so wonderful and good. Maybe not for them. Hey, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Right. But you're going to find mission. Right now, you want permission to just let your hair down a little bit, and you fully, fully got it. Fully got it. Okay? I guess I needed to hear that. Do you have some young man that you spend time with? Young man, meaning?

Your husband? Oh, yeah, I have my husband, yes. But he's a homebody, so he's perfectly content sitting at home and doing small stuff. Is he still handsome? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, good. Hey, get a two-seater bike and strap him to the back, and you'll ride across America. It's going to be incredible.

You got it? Yes, I will try. All right, good. Eva, you're going to go forever, ever, ever, ever, Eva you're gonna go forever ever ever ever and you're gonna go across America y'all are gonna laugh and have adventures because you've earned it

you've put in the hard work the hard work I'm excited for you and you're gonna find purpose you're gonna find mission I already know that stuff's gonna happen you're gonna be an awesome grandparent but you're going to find purpose. You're going to find mission. I already know that stuff's going to happen. You're going to be an awesome grandparent. But you're not going to get to the end of your days and regret not having more joy.

And you're not going to get to the end of your days. And whatever proverbial bike ride across America is, even if you don't end up doing that, even if you just go camping or start quilting or whatever thing it is, you become a catfisher woman. I don't know what it is. Whatever you're going to do. Go have adventures and have fun. You're 61. what it is. Whatever you're going to do, go have adventures and have fun. You're 61. You are still young. You're still beautiful. You got a handsome guy

in tow. I'm excited for you, man. That's so cool. I want to go to a quick little segment here. This is something that's come up quite a few times with my friends and family. It's come up over and over in the emails. It's come up on the YouTube chats. And then this Netflix documentary came out and everyone went abuzz. And so I want to talk about tech boundaries with your kids. I want to talk about this wackadoo season that we are in. We are amidst one of the greatest social experiments of all time. We're almost overnight, and I'm talking about from like 2010 to 2019, we started putting everything up online. We started spending lots and lots of hours playing video games. We started putting everything on Facebook, all of our family photos, all of our friends, all the things we love,

all the things that we are interested in. And the tech companies started tracking us and listening to us and watching us and then watching how we behaved and how we answered things and whether we loved things or didn't love things and like things. And then all of a sudden, 2020 hit and everyone went home. And what little privacy left, what little human interaction left between a teacher and a student, between a college professor and their grad student, all of that went online. But hard conversations between a boss and an employee, that went online. We're doing everything virtually now. And so we have taken all of our lives and dumped them into the internets,

onto Zoom, onto FaceTime, onto all these platforms, into these laptops. We are doing a massive social experiment. We are putting everybody's words and thoughts and dreams and hopes and snapshots, what are normal developmental processes. We are putting them in black and white to be etched in stone forever. They're always going to be there. And we don't know how this wraps up, right? If you haven't watched The Social Dilemma, watch it. It's intense and it will hopefully make you rethink some things about the way you engage with social media, the way you engage with the computers. But I want to talk

about screen time with kids, screen time in your homes. I think tech can be, it's got some great uses. It's got some really extraordinary things that help us see different pictures of our earth, of our world, of relationships, etc., but can also be dangerous. And handing a, and I don't say dangerous in some dramatic Orwellian dun-dun-dun kind of way. What I mean is kids are kids and we live in a world now where folks are going back and mining things that 14-year-olds said, that 12-year-olds said, that 18-year-olds said, that 25-year-olds said. and we have this science that say their brains aren't developed and we have this science that says they are not smart and yet we are holding people accountable they're putting things in black and white that they can't take back

they are bullying is happening in a way used to your neighborhood bully said something to you and it went in one ear and you got sad and you got your heart broken and you got punched in the stomach or whatever happened and then it it was gone and you had a group of friends and over time it heals or it doesn't right it lodges itself in you and you work it you work it out now you just see it in black and white and you read it over and over and over according to some google analytics pornography searches increase by 4,700% when children under the age of 18 are not in school. Instead of asking their buddy what such and such, such and such is, or asking their mom or dad, they just Google it. And so kids are being raised some of these hard questions. What's the meaning of life? Is God real? I don't know

what this particular sex act is. Instead of finding somebody to ask, they're just going to the computer and they're getting to see it in real time. They're getting to see a lot of violence. They're getting to see a lot of things that they may never have experienced. And some of that's good, not the violence part, but sometimes seeing that other people do Christmas differently than they do. Other people sing and dance differently than they do. That's great stuff, but some of it can be negative. And so here's the thing. I want parents to stop for a minute. We thought this was going to be a few weeks to quote unquote flatten the curve, right? And here we are nine months later. I want you to step back and parents have a hard conversation with themselves, with each other. If you were a single parent, I want you to step back and parents have a hard conversation with themselves, with each other.

If you're a single parent, I want you to get with a friend and I want you all to talk together about tech boundaries in your house. And I'm not saying this to be an alarmist. I'm saying this is what I do in my own home and this is a big deal to me for a hundred different reasons that we can talk about later. But a couple of things I want to recommend folks do. Number one, I want you to lead by example, moms and dads, single moms and single dads, married couples. I want you to lead by example, put the screens away. And this is the pot talking to the kettle here, man. During the hurricanes, during the COVID kickoff, during some of the election stuff, man, I'm finding myself glued to it. Even my Astros made it back

to the championship series and I find myself checking in on them. Man, we got to lead by example. That means we got to put our screens down and start looking our kids in the eyes. Number two, if they are at school on Zoom all day, or if they go to school and their school has a big Chromebook program where they just sit in front of a computer all day, that goes into their overall screen time count for the day. So if they are in school by Zoom, then when school's out, the screens are off. That is their time for the day. They don't need to then pick up the phone and then pick up Netflix and then pick up Netflix and then pick up video games. That's their time. Okay. That means we're going to have to get soccer balls again.

That means we're gonna have to get tennis balls and old tires and sticks. I don't care what it is. That means we're gonna have to go to a neighborhood park with a mask on or whatever it is in your community, wherever you are listening to this. But that means the screen time's up because we're, we're, we're slowly morphing our kids to where they're spending 10 hours a day on a screen. And we're calling it different because one's school and one's counseling and one's violin practice. My son is doing his violin via Zoom right now. And then all of a sudden, now I get my TV time. It's like, no, man, you've got your screens.

You've got your screens. Number two, I want you to have a family meeting with your kids. And I want you just to be honest with them and say, we were not designed to stare in front of a screen 12 hours a day, 10 hours a day, 8 hours a day. And so we are going to have a cold turkey cut starting – that was kind of funny, cold turkey cuts. That was hilarious. I didn't even mean to do that. But we are going to start stopping this. We're going to put a period at the end of these sentences.

We're going to quit spending so much time on the screens. And then I want you to write a plan and put it in a common area. I'll just tell you in my house, my kids get one or two shows a week. Sometimes that's a movie they get by themselves. Me and my wife just want to have a date night. Sometimes that is Saturday morning cartoons and they can watch a couple of whatever episodes on Disney plus or whatever it is. But we try to be pretty intentional. What that means is we got to go play with them. That means I got to not just sit there and scroll mindlessly through the Astros game and whatever election nonsense is going on. I got to go actually go play with my kids. And it's frustrating and it's tiring. And I never, ever, ever regret it. I want you to not let kids have phones or tablets or screens in their bedrooms. Don't do that. People ask me all the time. I know I'm a little bit of a lunatic when it comes to this

stuff. My kids don't have phones. They're not going to have phones. I've drawn that line. I've worked with too many folks behind closed doors with tech stuff. I've got too many friends who have worked in the tech industries. It's just a terrible idea. If you dig into it, folks in the tech industries don't let their kids have screens. They don't let their kids have phones in their bedrooms because they know. And so I want to challenge you all. I know you're going to send me your cards and letters and be like, I can't believe it's child abuse.

You don't give your kid a phone. Fine. Call on me. I want you to replace screen time. And I said this over and over and over again, replace screen time with human beings. That could be you. That could be play dates. That could be go to the park time. That could be just go for walk time. I don't care what it is. I promise downstream it will help you too. And the last thing is this. I can't tell you how many times over the years I've heard my kid's addicted to his phone. My 14 year old is addicted to his iPad. My six year old is addicted to whatever screen,

whatever TV show, bull crap. No 14 year old is addicted to a screen that a parent hasn't handed them. No seven year old is addicted to an iPad or an iPhone that a parent hasn't handed them. You are the boss, moms and dads. And for single parents who are working three jobs trying to figure it out, this sucks. I wish there was another way to say this nicely. This is awful. It sucks. It's heavy and it's hard. I get that. I so get that. You get home and you just want to lay down. It's exhausting. You get tears in your eyes just thinking about it. It's exhausting. I know, but you're the boss. And if we got to go get coloring books, we got to go get Legos and blocks or whatever the thing is. I don't give your kid

a shovel until I'm going to dig a hole. I don't care what it is, but you're in charge of the screens. You're in charge of what they're doing in their off time. I want to give every parent permission to take those reins back. Take them back. Think of your kid's overall screen time as a big picture, not just school and then violin and then entertainment and then weekends and then violin, and then entertainment, and then weekends, and then, and then, and then. We can do it. And I am optimistic that this thing rallies around that we all realize, man, after nine months of just being captivated by screens and video games and more stuff that we all go, whoa, this wasn't life. So I want to go to Jacob. Jacob actually called in here, Jacob in Wisconsin. Jacob wrote in and sent me a real nice email. We did a show a few weeks ago about a husband who was addicted to video games and Jacob wrote in and I just said,

hey, I want to talk to Jacob directly. So Jacob, it's good to hear from you, brother. How are you doing this morning? I'm doing fantastic. How about yourself? I'm doing good. So you sent me an email, and so tell us about it. Tell us what you sent. So I sent an email in after I heard your show talking about the husband who was addicted to video games, and that really resonated with me in my life because I lived it.

In my college years, I was addicted to a video game. I played it way, way more than was healthy. So I wanted to share my story. Man, so what advice would you give somebody who loves somebody who's addicted to video games or to a 22-year-old who's listening to this or a 38-year-old who's got two kids and uses video games just to hide? What would you tell them? or, you know, dating somebody or being made to somebody who's addicted to video games, be willing to stand your ground. Be willing to stand firm and set a boundary around it.

Looking back, like, I ultimately was given an ultimatum that it's either my fiancé or the video game. And that was the best ultimatum of my life. And you chose fiancé, right? Oh, of my life. And you chose fiance, right? Oh, God, yeah. Okay, good deal. Good deal. And sadly, I can look back at that time and say it was actually a difficult choice for me. And it's something that I'm ashamed to admit, but I feel like it's important for people to hear and know that it really can get to be that much of a presence in your life because it is addicting. It can be addicting.

What would you tell the 38-year-old who's stuck right now? There's a better way. And the people that you engage with online, they feel like your friends. And when you're playing the game, they interact with you like friends. But when push comes to shove, they're not going to be at your table when times get tough. They're not going to be there to help you

when life gets hard. And if you play the game to the point that I did, where I was playing it more than 40 hours a week, nobody else stays around because you don't have the time to invest in the real relationships. What's one thing you would – like one tactile one thing you would tell somebody, you need to do this right now? What would that be? You've just got to – you've got to get something else in your life. One of the things I did to help break it was I started bicycling. And I got out and I spent over an hour a day just going and doing something different,

something that would help me direct my focus elsewhere. And so like I was just talking about with parents and these tech boundaries, you were trying to get off of video games, and so you chose another behavior, which was riding bikes outside for an hour. Did that end up healing other parts of your life too? Oh, yeah. I mean, it made a huge difference for me physically as well. I mean, I was playing a game 40 plus hours a week and sitting in a chair. It doesn't lead to positive physical health either. Yeah, you weren't super ripped, huh?

No, definitely not. Man. Well, Jacob, man, I want to, number one, just thank you for reaching out. I appreciate all the emails and cards and letters, even the positive ones and negative ones. I love them. But more importantly, I want you to pat yourself on the back, man. I want to thank you so much for reaching out and letting me know about your journey, letting me know that you've got a heart for people who are stuck in this video game thing. And if you don't play video games like me, it's easy to go, what are you talking about? This is like a controller. It's up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right.

You're like BA Select Start, right? This isn't like, what are you talking about? This is addicting. And then I forget that I've got my own challenges. I've got my own addictions. I've got my own drama in my life. And so I want to thank you for having the courage to just come on the show and tell everybody there's a better way. If you are in love with somebody who's addicted to video games, stand your ground.

Have an ultimatum. And if you are playing video games 30 hours a week, 20 hours a week, 40 hours a week, there is a better life. There are going to be real people around real tables that provide you real vulnerability and real joy in real life. And you're worth making those changes. So man, Jacob, I'm really grateful for you, brother. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Rachel in Austin, Texas. Rachel, good morning. How can I help? Good morning. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. So what's going on? So about almost three years ago um i placed a little girl up for adoption um it is an open adoption um but i guess i'm i'm going through that i'm kind of processing it now to where i'm going

through that i guess you would say trauma um and i don't really know how to get through it yeah because she's getting older she's getting more of a personality and becoming more of a person to interact with, huh? Yeah. We still talk like once a week. But, I mean, I just don't know how to have those interactions without letting her, I guess, live her own life with her adoptive family. So, paint me a picture of what that struggle is like. So we'll maybe have a call once a week. We'll talk about how her day is, how she's doing with school, stuff like that. And then, you know, she'll go about her day. But then whenever that

phone call ends, I kind of have this, I guess it's this disconnection and then this kind of emptiness, you know. And you know that's okay, right? Yeah, I do. I mean, I'm real close to the adoptive parents, but. Are they doing a great job? Oh, they're doing an amazing job. Amazing. So how young were you when you got pregnant?

21. 21. And what set you on the path to make the courageous decision to adopt your baby? Out. Oh, I wasn't ready. And I knew that. Yeah. Absolutely not ready.

And this family that I had placed her fort with, they had been trying for over 10 years. So it was absolutely time, and I knew they were perfect. But I guess it's kind of just getting to that point of I'm just preparing myself for that question of, you know, why didn't you want me kind of thing. Yeah. One thing I'd recommend you do that would be a great, great gift to this baby. And not only this baby, but this kid, and not only this kid, but this young woman, and not only this young woman, but this future mother someday herself, is if you began to honor yourself and honor her by writing down your experiences and keeping really detailed

journal notes for her. Because one day you're right. She's going to come and say, hey, mom, how come? And 10 years from now, you're not going to have as good an answer as you did three years ago, right? But if you've got a journal, a serial series of I miss you and I'm so grateful you're in the place you're supposed to be and your parents were incredible and I wasn't ready. And one day she will recognize the courageous, gangster, awesome mother that you are and that you knew enough to know that the best thing for her was to give her to a great, wonderful family who had the scope and the means to raise her. And open adoptions are beautiful and they are really, really hard because these are uncharted waters, right? We're not used to this. But I also want you to honor the fact that you know that you did the right thing and this also sucks and one thing that we don't do good as a society is to live in this tension of it's got to be either

awful or really great and this is just a middle road right where it's going to be this bittersweet joy and excitement and also really hard and really frustrating do you have somebody in your life that you can be open with and really frustrating. Mm-hmm. Do you have somebody in your life that you can be open with? I do. How do those conversations go? It's normally with my sister. She's the one who was there and read me the adoption papers that I signed in the hospital.

And she's been through everything with me. But she's open with them. She actually talks to the adoptive parents too. And so we have really great communication. Yeah, they sound wonderful. So what's something that brings you joy these days? I mean, it's probably talking to her once a week really? that's probably it

so I want you to spend more time talking to her on pen and paper or open up a word document and just start writing and one of the greatest gifts you will give her one day is knowing that she's not alone and she's not crazy and that

she will have a play by play of how much her birth mother truly loved her. She will have the connective experience of her adoptive family that raised her and loved her. And there could be a moment here when she's 18, 19, 20, 21, when she gets to just be showered by love that some of us may never get to experience. She's going to have two moms that love her more than life itself, right? And also, it may become time when you have to protect yourself. And if you're not healthy for her, then letting her know we're going to talk every other week. Or every other, other week.

Yeah, I think that's where I'm at. Cause I don't, I don't really know where that line is between. I want you to be with your adoptive family, but I kind of want you to make your own decision as to whether I'm in your life or not. Right. And for a three-year-old, that's not fair because she's three. Yeah. For a 10-year-old, that's not fair. For a 21-year-old, that's fair. And so if you don't feel like you're in a place where you can honor that relationship, and I say honor it, it's messy and it's hard, but that you can connect with her and she knows you and it's well. But if you're doing it just to fulfill you, that can be really hard on her. And so maybe practice.

See what it's like to do every two weeks. See what it's like to do every three weeks. You're playing a marathon here. So if you miss a week, you miss a week, right? Yeah. And I don't want to undermine or – not undermine is the wrong word. I don't want to minimize, okay? But I'll just tell you this experience.

My wife is an extraordinary scholar and researcher, and she was asked to come work at a school for a few weeks in Brazil when my son was – I think he was three or maybe he was four. And so I went with her and I brought him and my son and I were in Sao Paulo outside of Sao Paulo, Brazil. And we had two weeks of just father son time and we were in the parks and we were went to these weird places where he got to ride donkeys into the jungle and toucans were like flying around and we pulled mangoes and avocados off of trees. I mean, it was extraordinary. It was a once in a lifetime trip, me and my son in the jungle with meeting wonderful people eating new foods. And he's 10 now and he remembers not one second of that trip at all, none. And so I tell you that to tell you this, if you are working on your heart in this deal, if you are working on, I want to see if I can go two weeks, I want to see if I can go two weeks. I want to see if I can go a month between these conversations.

I need to begin to let go of the reins because I feel my grip is getting tighter and tighter, and that tight, tight grip is going to hurt her. She's going to know you loved her. She's going to be able to read that journal you're going to be writing. She's going to be loved by her adoptive family, and she's not going to remember that mom missed a week once or that mom went from every week to every month. She's not going to remember that. You will, but she won't. Yeah. Do you have any other kids?

No, I do not. Okay. When you have your next kid, one day, it will be hard then too. I think instead of your sister or in addition to your sister, I think it would be wise for you, Rachel, to get a counselor just to talk through it. Because I think that the separation part is going to be hard here, especially as you're 24, 25, 26. You're coming into your own. You have full-time employment, you meet somebody and you get a stable home. It's going to be harder and harder. And I think having somebody that will navigate this, not just as your sister, she's great, good person to be vulnerable with, but having someone that

can teach you some skills on how to take care of yourself, your heart and mind in this thing, I think that would be really awesome. So as we wrap it up, I want to thank everybody for calling. I want to leave us with this song, Easily. Easily the greatest song ever written. Most people don't think of this band when they think of incredible 80s bands. These weren't just an incredible 80s band. This was the 80s band

from their 1989 album, The Great Radio Controversy. The greatest band of all time, Tesla, and their greatest song of all time. It's just called Love Song. And it goes, so you think that it's over, that your love has finally reached the end. Anytime you call night or day, I'll be right there for you when you need a friend. It's going to take a little time. Time is sure to mend your broken heart, but don't you even worry, pretty darling. You could say pretty darling back in the 80s. I know you're going to find love again. Love is all around you.

Love is knocking outside your door. Waiting for you is the love made just for two keep an open heart and darling you'll find love again I know woohoo Tesla love song I love it

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