The Dr. John Delony Show - Did My Privileged Upbringing Give Me an Unfair Advantage?

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

On today’s show, we hear from: - A man plagued with guilt over the privilege his life circumstances have given him - A mom struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety - Delony on how to appropriately respond when your kids hurt your feelings Lyrics of the Day: "Thunderstruck" - AC/DC Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And looking around, I feel guilty for how good I've always had it. I'm so high on life. Every single person ever who's made it, they have had somebody or people in their corner. Your guilt helps nothing. What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Greatest mental health and marriage podcast that's ever been recorded. I'm so glad that you are with us and you've joined us. Me and I have, I'm a little bitcaffeinated, so I'm going to try to tone it down. We had wild storms come through last night, and I didn't sleep much.

I don't think any of us slept much, but we're here, and we're ready to rock and roll. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And leave a message and we will holler back girl at you even if we ain't no holler back girl and don't forget to hit the subscribe button it makes such a huge difference

and the five star reviews make such a huge difference I had no idea no idea none, zero but here we are look at me learning about how the internets work in the worldwide hive mind. Thank you so, so much for being with us and for hitting subscribe.

Let's go to Tommy in Pittsburgh, PA. What up, Tommy? How's it going, Dr. John? Rocking on to the break of dawn, my man. What are you doing? I am in the Florida Keys on vacation, so good times. Well, thanks for kicking us while we're down. Hope that was fun for you. Hope that was fun for you.

Hope that was fun for you. We're all at work, Tommy. Real cool, man. Real cool. What's up? So I'll just get into my question here. Huge fan. I've bought your book, listened to all your stuff,

and it's really helped me grow and find a lot of peace. But the question is, the more your material and just psychology material in general I read, it seems like everything that makes up who we are comes from our upbringing and our environment and experiences. Nothing we do is really by our hand. And looking around, I feel guilty for how good I've always had it. I'm so high on life when it seems like so many people are so low. And this can also manifest itself in feeling incredibly responsible for some of the relationships in my life. Man, there's a lot here.

Can I unpack almost all of it? Is that cool? Yeah. First thing is you're partially correct. And so much of who we are comes from the stories the things we've done, our experiences, the way we see the world, the people we've hurt, the people we've taken care of. And so it's a mix of both. Okay. So just to free you from any nonsensical guilt, you may feel every single person ever who's made it to whatever that means. That means they got their first job as a plumber or that means they're a multi-billionaire. They have had somebody or people in their corner.

There is no such thing as a self-made man or woman. I reject that notion. It doesn't exist. It's a myth. Okay. So everyone had a coach or a business partner or a romantic partner, had some grandparent, teacher, whoever walking alongside them or a group of people or someone who gave them their first opportunity or somebody who said, I believe in you, whatever that thing is. And even if you didn't have a quote unquote person, you want to fight me on that, then I'll tell you that you went to your first job on roads paved by other people and use electricity on lines pulled by other people. And you dial into your laptop on a computer made by other people. And we can just go down the list here. And so the idea that

you're sitting there, Tommy, and you're like, man, all these other people are just been doing it on their own and grinding it out. And I've had this awesome life where other people helped me out. That's not true. Okay. None of us got to where we are by ourselves, period. And you've had more of a headstart, right? Tell me how you've had a headstart. Uh, I mean, uh, parents that always took care of me, they never, divorced or fought. Anytime I went through trials and tribulations, they supported me financially, emotionally. They taught me how to connect with people so I can have friendships. I've always been good at sports and connecting with people, can kind of pick up any talent that is thrown my way. And then I just feel like I've always just been able to like, also just let things go and enjoy the things that I'm into. Um,

and, uh, like I said, even I've, I've definitely faced tribulation just like anybody else. Um, but it's just kind of like, how far do you go back? Like even when I face difficulties, um, I've had people that have shown me how to overcome those kinds of things, how to look at the good, how to choose gratitude. And so it's kind of like everything that's good in my life. I feel like I owe to kind of how I was growing up and, uh, even the things that haven't been good i learned from someone how to overcome those and find relationships and make them good so it's just

kind of like like i said feeling guilty of like everything i owe to someone else so i think i yeah all of us are in that boat and what i'll'll tell you is your parents have given you the world. And one day you're going to get hit in the mouth in a profound way. Somebody you love is going to die. 100% chance that happens. You're going to get fired. You're going to fail. You're going to violate one of your core moral values in a moment of weakness.

Those things will happen because that's the arc of life. And so while they may have set you up over here, they may have taken some of that burden from you and it's going to hit you harder because it's going to happen in your 30s when you got a mortgage and two kids. And what I'm saying, and the other side of it is, my friends that only had a single parent and they were working three jobs and they were left alone.

And one of their brothers is in jail and the other sister, they haven't really talked too much anymore. And they decided, I'm going to figure out a way to get through school and I'm going to grind and I'm going to do it. They've got that side. They know how to get hit in the head and they know how to get hit in the mouth. What they don't have is a path for how do I communicate to this group of people and how do I – so everybody's got stuff to learn. What I'll tell you is your guilt helps nothing, okay? And so you've got a couple of paths forward here, but I want you to start shifting really hard man from guilt to gratitude Wake up every day and don't be like, oh man, I don't have any like my parents never fought

Thank god your parents didn't do that Be super grateful that your parents are still married. Okay, what you're gonna have to do like so let me give you an example for me um I was uh still married. Okay. What you're going to have to do, like, so let me give you an example for me. I was a real, real fast in high school as a runner, very, very fast and like full scholarship to college fast. And I was one of the weakest members of my Texas high school football team. And so I always have to put in the work where I know I'm going to have shortcomings. And so for you, as you look around your life and you say, okay, I got shot out of the cannon ahead of people in my class, ahead of people that aren't in the school that I'm at. I got a headstart on this track. Great. What are you going to do with that headstart? You just deciding to walk helps nobody.

You deciding to help the people running around you, now you're talking about changing your community, changing your life, changing everybody's life. And so the question is not, how can I tear up this lottery ticket I got and throw it in the trash? It's how can I use this for maximum good for me my community my neighborhood my country my family and everybody in between does that make sense? So I want you to start choosing the hard path What does that look like that may mean your parents take care of all your bills. You don't have to work go get a job That may mean that your parents, uh bail you out every time you get in trouble. The next time say, I'm not taking your money this time. I need to learn how to deal with this thing.

That may mean that you regularly surround yourself with people who have life harder than you and practice service, practice empathy, practice listening so that you get an understanding of not just a conceptual understanding, but a real hard nose understanding that the world is not for most people how you experience it. And then you become, you start learning ways. Okay, I can be of support and service here. You see what i'm saying yeah i'd say like the second part of that is uh i feel like the reason i like i

i feel like part of the reason i feel guilty is like i've had that like punch in the mouth moment like uh you know like suicide watch like life sucks for like a month or, you know, a few months. And like, now it's like, like, I, I definitely like live with incredible empathy and gratitude. And so it's more so like, just not. Yeah, bro. But you're staring at your belly button. Yeah. You're great, grateful and empathetic towards yourself. And I just, that just runs you around in a circle, man. You got to look up and see the world around you and get involved in other people's lives. As they invite you.

Don't come in as some sort of savior. As they invite you. Okay, so that's the second piece is like the incredible responsibility. Like I have had friendships and relationships where I can see where someone's hurt comes from or like what they're struggling with. And it's like, I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, like, am I carrying too much of this? And I need to like, like, I'm feel like I'm, if I leave them, it's like just another person that disappointed them. Like I can feel that pain or like I put that on myself. Yeah. I mean, you've, you've got no business in somebody else's pain unless they invite you in. Okay. Does that make sense? Like I do this

for a living and it's really hard for me sometimes to be sitting next to someone I love or someone I care about or a stranger that I just met and they're telling me what's going on in their life and they're not asking for my input or my support or my help or anything. They're just vomiting on me. And I have to make a choice. Do I want to continue to get vomited on or do I want to step back and say, thank you so much. I appreciate your honesty. And you see what I'm saying? Like I can't just jump in the middle of everybody's issues because then I'm using them to prop me up. And if you feel guilty about how the set of cards you were dealt

and you're going around trying to solve everyone's problems around you as some sort of ways to make amends for all this good fortune you've had, dude, then you're using people around you. Very similar to someone who's struggling with addiction, who asks all their friends for money all the time. You're trying to take something from them to make you feel okay. And what that tells me at the core is you don't feel okay with you. And it could be from guilt. I'm actually not buying your full story, if you don't feel okay with you and it could be from guilt i'm actually

not buying the your full story if i'm just being honest with you i think you're super talented i think you've got great family support and i think you probably struggle mightily with depression it'd be my guess am i right i would say it's like 95 of the time I'm really high and then the others would be the opposite. Okay. And then you feel guilty for feeling bad, don't you? I feel guilty when I'm high. Do you talk to somebody, a professional? I have.

Why'd you stop? Uh, so I felt like, so at that time I was like really low, didn't value myself, uh, worked through a lot with like family and friends and then went complete opposite, felt the best I've ever felt. And I feel like I've been there ever since of like feeling good about who I am. Okay. All you're talking about is feelings. What are you doing? What do you mean exactly? You are being dragged around by a leash and the person on the other end of the leash is your feelings. I felt really bad and then I felt really good and now I feel great, and now I feel that. What are you doing? Are you in school?

No, I'm a, I just, I finished my master's like six months ago, and I'm a fisheries biologist. Okay. Are you working? Yeah, full time. How's that going? Are you contributing? Yeah. Do you have good purpose i feel like i feel like i create uh like i'm basically i get to work with improving fisheries so that people get to enjoy them with their friends and family okay um it here's what i want you to do i

want you to step back and begin to look at what does purpose look like for you, man? Because it sounds a lot... I don't know, man. Quite honestly, I think you and I need to spend some more time together, which means I think you should sit down with a counselor and say, okay, I've had these moments where it was really low. I had these moments where I was super high. Now I'm kind of leveling out into this is the rest of my life. I got my graduate degree. I got my job

and I've got a lot of good fortune that I'm resting upon. What am I going to do in the next stage of my life to be a contributor and not a taker? How am I going to be a maker? How am I going to be someone who encourages others, helps others, supports others, and at the same time doesn't use others for my savior complex? What am I going to do there? And begin a relationship with a counselor, not because you're in crisis anymore, but because you are looking at heading off into what comes next for you. In the world you want to build for yourself, you can't keep riding on mom and dad anymore.

And they shot you out of the cannon in a profound way. Awesome. And hear me say this again, walking around feeling guilty for your good fortune does not help anybody at all. and looking around at the world around you and saying, how can I be of service and care for these folks? How do I use this ticket for good? That's the greatest gift you can give humanity and yourself, by the way. And maybe therapy is not for you. Great. Get a group of guys and y'all meet every Monday night, every Wednesday night, every Thursday night, whatever. Pick one night a week.

You'll always get together. You'll always hang out and you be honest with them. You'll always get together. You'll always hang out. And you be honest with them. You tell them the truth. You invite them into your life. And maybe if you're lucky, two or three of them or one or two of them will invite you into their life. And now you've got the making of a long-term friendship, long-term relationship. So we can go from there.

But I want you to pick your head up and not just figure out. Think about your academics and your life and your, start looking around, start looking around. You got a gift, man. You got a gift. Tearing up that gift and throwing it in the trash doesn't help nobody.

Feeling guilty about that gift doesn't help anybody. Looking for where can I use this gift to be of the most value to the most people around me. Now we're talking. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Ashley in Columbia, Missouri. What's up, Ashley? Hey, John. How's it going? What's happening? I'm doing great. How about you? Doing okay. Doing okay.

Awesome. I'm a little nervous. Oh, good grief. Have you heard the show before? Oh yeah Lots of times Ashley I'm not good at this I know

You have nothing to be nervous about You're good What's up? So I had a baby Back in October Is congratulations in order? Yes

Yes Awesome Congratulations Very cool Thank you Thank you But And so it's my second one um it was my first one i experienced like postpartum anxiety but with this one i'm experiencing like the depression and maybe the anxiety with it um i just i don't know how to

navigate that like through my, through any of it. Like, it's kind of new to us. And so I made a doctor's appointment to try and get on some medication. So we just got that taken care of. But I just don't know, like. You've already, have you been put on something? Yes. Like, I haven't been able to start it.

I've been fighting a little bit of a tummy bug, but. they give you? Oh gosh. That's all right. That's all right. That's all right. So if nobody's told you this, I'm sorry that I'm the first guy to tell you this. Anxiety and depression are on the same trend line. Okay. They're just different ways your body's trying to take care of you And um, this is a crass way to say this but like having a baby is a human explosion Okay, your hormones are all over everywhere and one of the worst demons about Ppd postpartum depression is or postpartum anxiety, whatever However, your body is trying to take care of you All the switches and levers are all goofed up all over the place.

And everybody has a different path back to homeostasis, or some people are forever different, and that's the beauty of it all. And it's disorienting, right? It feels like you are lost at sea. Exactly. Right? And so I want to first applaud you because tell me if I'm off here. There is something completely unnerving when your body is saying, I need these, like I should be enjoying these kids.

These are my babies. They're healthy. They're this. My husband's great. All those stories. And then you go to war with your body. You get really frustrated. Then you get down on it or you get spun up on it. And then you start to feel crazy. And then people around you start saying, why don't you just cheer up? Or why don't you just slow down? Or why don't you just rest? And it's like, oh, I hadn't thought of that. Genius. Right? And now it sort of feels like you're against everybody. Is that fair?

Okay. Absolutely. Okay. What in your current life? Oh, so before I get there, I want to applaud you for having the courage to go talk to a doctor. My first note when you started talking was call your OBGYN and go be honest with how you're feeling. Okay. What are some of your, as comfortable as you are saying them out loud, what are some of your low thoughts? They'd be better off without me.

They get the life insurance money. Do they really need me? You know, like um gosh um I'm a horrible mother because I should be enjoying every moment with them but yet for some reason I can't get past things I can't let things go I can't stop worrying about the smallest of things um it's like the worry and things like that just steal the joy from the day i can get caught up on something so small and insignificant that it just tears my whole day apart my whole week apart um what have you tried i have highs i wouldn't even say tried what do you mean what have i tried like between your first

baby and your second baby what have you what are some things you say tried what do you mean what have i tried like between your first baby and your second baby what have you what are some things you've tried to do um definitely like working out getting on a good multivitamin um just pretty much everything but medication okay all right um i'm going to give you a couple other things I want you to try. Is that cool? Mm-hmm. The first thing I want you to do is to just carry a note card in your pocket. And how old is your new baby? He's four months old. Yeah.

When your baby's under a year, you can wear any kind of awesome zipper claspy things no matter what. Nobody's going to judge you, right? So I want you in one of your zipper claspy bag things, I want you to have a note card, okay? And I want you to have a pen. And anytime you think the words, I can't or I should, I want you to write those down. And my guess is very quickly, you're going to realize those, the can'ts and the shoulds are going to circle around each other in one or two or maybe three very specific things. Okay. These thoughts feel like they are coming at you at a million miles an hour and they're all around you like a video game, right? And you're trying to shoot them all

down and they're just coming and coming and coming and it starts to overwhelm you and then your body just says, I'm out. Yeah. Right? What I want you to do is begin to capture them, to take ownership of them. Okay? I'm going to write them down. I can't even enjoy my babies today. Is your body's way of saying, hey, we need some rest. I should be able to fill in the blank. Is your body telling you, hey, let's ask for help today. And I know Instagram says mom should be doing all these things. Great. My body's not there today. Thank God I've got a husband who's going to show up. You see what I'm saying? I want to begin to take, every time you say the words, I can't, every time you think the words, I should,

I want you to write them down and begin to look at those. Okay. And ask yourself, what is my body trying to tell me? The second thing is, where in your life do you feel unsafe alone in my thoughts i would say um i don't physically feel unsafe or anything like that maybe here's another way of asking where in your life do you feel not listened to or unheard oh man or unheard? Oh, man. I think maybe I fear talking to people because I don't want to be a burden on them. There you go. That's the magic word.

So I don't talk. Okay. And so maybe your body is finding fear in those who love you most. Because somewhere along the way, you thought reaching out and telling your husband, hey, I need this today. And it's different than what I needed yesterday. That you're going to burden him because he works hard and he's probably tired too. Oh, yeah, for sure.

And I'm just going to circle this up. I'm not going to call my mother-in-law who's offered to come stay. I'm not going to call my mom because I don't want to bother them. They got their own lives. And you said it best. At the core, that story is I'm a burden. My kids will be better off without me. My husband will be better off without me.

I'm just dragging the boat down. Fair? Yeah, yeah. Nail on hedge. Yeah. I need you to hear me so clearly. That's not true. Feelings are incredible traffic signals. They are terrible destinations. And so I want you to rest in anytime you feel like a burden Remember my voice saying you're not And so then The next question you have to ask yourself is what are you going to do?

Not what are you going to think you think enough for about 15 people, don't you? Yeah, likely Thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking next is, what are you going to do? Okay. I would really, really love to see you get a group of grown-up friends away from both babies at least once a week that you can go be a grown-up with. My co-workers are actually just inviting me to like a Bible study that they have every Monday. If that's a good place for you. Cool. Sometimes Bible studies and sometimes coworkers.

That's a dangerous combination, but if it works for you, incredible. That's awesome. Okay. Okay. Will you go, will you commit to going for the next, I don't know, six weeks, seven weeks, eight weeks? Yes. Okay. The greatest gift you could give your kids is for you to go be with other adults for a while.

And to come back a little more at peace and a little more whole than having two human beings treat your body like a jungle gym and a filling station. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. I also, it's going to be hard to say these things out loud. I want you to sit down with your husband and start these with these words. The story I'm telling myself is that if I ask you for some more help, you're going to leave. The story I'm telling myself is if I tell you what I need you're going to do it anyway at the expense of your own health

and I'm scared to tell you what I actually need because I don't want to be a burden now you know your husband better than I do if you sat down and told him that what would his response be he would do anything in a heartbeat okay this is from a dad of two young kids myself. Will you give him the greatest honor and gift

and letting him love his wife during this time? Instead of considering yourself a burden, consider yourself giving him the greatest gift you can give any modern male, which is the illusion he's taking care of his wife. How's that sound? Yeah, sounds good. If you can't do it for yourself, hopefully you can get there soon, but do it for him. Allow him to participate. All of this circles back to this one important thing.

You are not a burden. You're a gift. Always know that the end of that sentence, I'm a burden. My kids will be better off without me. The ending of that sentence is always, that's not true. Okay. And I don't know if you are. I want to take this from you.

The first time I, the only time I, but I did't know if you are I want to take this from you the first time I The only time I but I did it for a while when I sat down and took medication My but my buddy was my doctor He was a close friend of mine And so he could speak some truth directly to me probably a little more direct than he would to just a normal patient And i'm probably more stubborn than the normal patient um I sat at my kitchen table with the open package and I wept. I just cried.

I thought it was such a failure, such a loser. It's kind of how you feel. Yeah. Like my last resort, you know? Yeah. And Hey, here's the deal. Good for you. It was my last resort too. And you didn't have too much pride and you didn't have too much ego to not go tell your doctor the truth. Okay? So know this, it's not forever. And sometimes we just need some help turning the alarm systems down so that we can sit in front of those we love and say, I need some help so that I can have the energy to get up and go take a walk outside so that I can have the courage to go hang out with some friends, even though I feel like

I'm failing my kids if I leave them for two hours, which you're not. Okay. The greatest gift I gave my wife and my little young son at the time and then my daughter down the road Was I went and got myself the care that I needed And then I didn't stop there because medication is not going to quote-unquote fix it it's going to provide you a path So that you can go do the things that are going to make you well Does that make sense? Yeah, i'm really, really proud of you. Thank you. So what's your next step? Get with the girls. Yes. On Monday nights and sit down with

my husband and talk to him. Dude, you're awesome. And the third thing i'm going to put out there is promise me you will always tell your doctor the truth and be in close contact if you ever ever ever start crossing over into some really darker thoughts okay okay promise thank you promise i promise awesome hey you're one of the braver ones i I will talk to you this week. You're probably one of the brave ones I'm gonna talk to you this month um I'm proud of you proud of you By the way, one quick last thing. Sorry. I know everybody's fading it out Um, you may want to check in with your doctor and ask for some hormone panels and some hormone testing I just thought of that as i'm letting you go here

um That may be worth your time. Even if you're just getting a baseline to see what things are going to look like in two months and three months and five months, ask your doctor if there's any sort of blood work or any sort of hormone testing that would help to identify some of the chaotic, the chaos. Okay. All right. That's it. I'll let you roll. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Here we go again.

It's time for Facts of Your Friends. We've got to change this music. I mean, from the bottom of my heart. All right. You know what? We're at Smashing Pumpkins time now. I'll take Smashing Pumpkins over that. And I think- You truly hit a low point.

It's lower than low. As the producer of this show, that's a no. Okay. So I made the internets really uncomfortable the other day. And so here's what I wrote on the Instagrams. This morning, I planned to take my seven-year-old daughter on a Valentine's breakfast date. I got up early and got my workout done. I told my daughter we were going on a date and she said no.

She wouldn't go. I was crushed and it really made me sad, but my sadness is not hers to carry. So I told her I loved her to the moon and back and I would love to take her on a date anytime she would have me. I then wrote, parents, managing our emotions is our job, not our kids, even when it hurts. Whoo, man, people got opinions on that. People got opinions on that. So I'm going to clarify. Dig in a little bit.

And I am right and you are not. Okay, so here we go. Here's some clarity to that Instagram post. The night before Valentine's Day, I asked my daughter, hey, I would like to take you on a date tomorrow to get waffles or pancakes, just a special time with dad and daughter. She said, no, I don't want to go. I want to have my regular morning and then go to school.

And mommy drives me to school. I disregarded her feelings. I asked her, and she said no, and I just blew right past it, and I moved into my little fantasy land that she wanted this date as much as me, and I was telling myself the story. It's going to be great for both of us, and then 25 years from now, she's going to remember how dad always showed up on Valentine's Day. I create all these stories.

Now, here's some backstory here. I've been a ball of tension and frustration and exhaustion. Writing a book, the process for me, it takes something from me. I leave something on the field. Particularly this last book because I had to dig into some stories I haven't wanted to dig into in a long time. And I had to be really honest with myself. I ended up calling a counselor after writing it, not because it's so dark and moot, but I realized I'm not doing some of the things that I'm recommending other people do to make their lives more whole

and less anxious and helping them be more well. I need to go take care of so it was hard. It was a hard process and this sounds cheesy and woo But writing drains the bloody hell out of me. It literally takes something from me I got deadlines and editor friends coming to town kids trying to be a good husband being on the road Got a show that we're doing every day And over the years I've become pretty good at stuffing it down Um, one thing that I feel really confident about is if I say I'm going to get it done, I'll get it done. And I'll get it done to the expense of everything around me, including my own health, but I'll get it done. I believe strongly in that.

And kids absorb tension. Also, for self-preservation, they have a highly attuned neuroception. It's a word coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, the polyvagal theory guy. And I'm not hook, line, and sinker on polyvagal theory, but 1000%, I believe the science is super clear. Our bodies are always searching the environment for threats. Kids, especially. If you think of it in evolutionary terms, they had to, because they're tiny little creatures that always are scanning to say,

is that guy safe? Is she safe? Is this situation safe? Is that guy safe? You ever introduce your kid to one of your friends? It's kind of sketchy. And they just hide behind your leg. They feel it.

They know. And I'm a thousand percent convinced that my daughter feels the underlying tension in my body. Her little body's always skin in the world. It senses my, it sees my tense shoulders and it hears the sharpness in my voice. It feels the tension in my muscles when I hold her. And so when she says, no, this isn't her being a brat, a whiny little baby. And I joke about it all the time, but that's not that at all. It's her trying to preserve herself. And I got to live with that.

I've created a world where my daughter doesn't feel safe. And I'm not abusive. I don't yell. I don't hit. I don't swear. But I'm a nuclear reactor sometimes, especially when I don't take care of myself, especially when I'm lonely, especially when I'm not honest about how I'm feeling. And so if you've ever listened to anything I've said, three critical important

things are happening. So listen to me super, super carefully. I can't think of anything I've got more important to share than this right here. Number one, I'm going to honor my daughter's request for bodily autonomy. If she feels unsafe around a nuclear reactor, which is what I've been lately, I'm going to teach her through my actions that she should learn to trust her body. And this also comes with consequences. I took her brother out. We go to breakfast every tuesday I went ahead and took him because that was our normal routine And she missed a great time and we hung out with the wait staff and we made jokes now We've become friends with the people at waffle house. I love those guys

And we ate too much. We had a blast. She missed it. So there was some consequence there Number two, if I force her to go, or I force her to kiss me goodnight, or I force her to give me a hug when I get home from work, I'm teaching her that when some man comes along who is bigger than her or stronger or has more power than her, she should bow before him and let him use her body as a way to make himself feel better. And I refuse to let my daughter go through the world thinking it's her job to make sure the men in her life are all happy and fine, especially at the expense of her body. I won't do it. And I'm going to teach her at a young age that she has autonomy and she gets to say no, period. And if her saying no makes me sad or hurts my feelings, that's for me to deal with

because she does not have the power to change my feelings because she's seven. She weighs about 14 pounds. She doesn't have that power. I'm not going to give it to her. That brings me to number three. My daughter's seven. Your kid's 14, 17, 11, three. However old they are, they don't have the power to hurt your feelings or

to make you sad or to make you angry. You are in control of that. And if you outsource it to your kids, they will try to carry that burden as long as they can until it finally crushes them. When I took a step back, I realized I wanted to build some relational equity with my daughter on Valentine's morning because it would be a gift for me. For me, had very little to do with her. I wanted to take her out on a date that I designed against her wishes because I thought it'd be great for her. It's not my daughter's job to make me feel okay. She can't carry that burden. And when I look around at the landscape, I've worked with young people for two decades.

Moms and dads, our kids are being buried under our expectations that they make sure that we're all okay. That they get the jobs we want them to have. They drive the cars we think they should drive. They marry who we think they should marry. That they work, they major in the thing we think they should major in. That we show up to the holidays that we prescribe for them, even though they can't afford it, or they're exhausted, or they're working like crazy, they got two little ones. It's their job to make sure those little ones are in our house so that we can have our, they're dying under our expectations that they prop us up. And as the world has gotten increasingly more and more lonely parents we have transferred our need for connection onto our kids

and now i've got Countless the number of moms and dads i've met with who are like no my 14 year old daughter's my best friend God help that 14 year old Me and my 16 year old are best friends Like my heart breaks for that 16 year old Because she can't carry your adult friendship. He can't carry your friendship. You got to have grown-up friends And let your kids have their own friends And here's one more note

A mother wrote me and asked about spilling her guts after her husband died. She wrote she read this post And she wrote me and said hey my husband died of cancer and now i'm feeling guilty because I Dumped all this out and my kids saw it all Letting your kids see you grieving and letting your kids see you devastated is an incredible gift, such a gift. Because your kids, if they lose their dad or dad loses his job or mom is sick or whatever's going on in your life, they're gonna be sad and devastated and frustrated too.

And if mom and dad turn into concrete statues and these stoic robots who just go through life like nothing's affecting them, I don't want to show the kids. I don't want to scare the kids. Then what happens is you don't scare the kids, but the kids go crazy because they feel it. And they look at mom and dad to see how they're supposed to be responding. And mom and dad are just walking around like automatrons. So the greatest gift you can give your kids is to let them know that you're sad. Let them know that you are devastated by grief.

Just don't force your kids to be responsible for making you feel less sad and less heartbroken. That's not their job. Here's how this looks in the real world, okay? I wrote this down. Mom is feeling so, so sad. This is a mom talking to their kids. Mom is feeling so, so sad. This is a mom talking to their kids. Mom is feeling so, so sad. I lost my friend. My friend died and I'm hurting so much inside. And I'm going to go see a counselor or visit with my friends because I'm in so much pain.

And if you're ever hurting, I want you to know you're not alone. And I'm always here for you for a hug, a good cry cry or to go for a long walk or maybe even Sneak some girl scout cookies Whatever you need. I want you to know that I love you. And if you're ever hurting like this Um, i'll be here for you That's different than Mommy's feeling so sad. I lost my friend. My friend died and I'm hurting so much inside.

Come give me a hug so I can feel better. Your hugs make me feel so much better. I need my hug so I'm not so sad and lonely. Now, mom has shifted the burden of her pain onto her kid. And that kid's going to begin looking for ways to make mom less sad, less painful, less angry. To make dad less reactive. less painful, less angry. To make dad less reactive. It's not their job. So back to my daughter.

I hugged my daughter and said, I love you and I can't wait to go on a date with you when you'll have me. And to be honest, I went in my bedroom and I wept. I cried hard. Not just because my daughter said no to me on her Valentine's Day, but because I know I've been a mess. And it spills onto people at work, spills onto my wife, and now it's spilling onto my kids. I've been avoiding dealing with my own crap for a long time, and my daughter's body called me out on it. It's my job to deal with my emotions, not hers. It's our job as adults to be the adults

and to go seek out relationships and support and help from other adults, not our kids. They got enough of their own crap to be carrying to not carry us. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, this is the lyrical masterpiece. Some people

don't understand that ACDC is actually a a group of poets check out these incredible lyrics from the classic thunderstruck thunder ah thunder ah i was caught in the middle of a railroad track. Thunder! I looked around. I knew there was no turning back. Thunder! Thunder! My mind raced, and I thought, what could I do?

Thunder! And I knew there was no help, no help from you. Sound of the drums beating in my heart. The thunder of guns tore me apart. Do you know what this means? Because I don't. There was thunder and then he was on a train track, so now there's drums and hearts and guns.

Ah! Ah! I love y'all. See you later.