The Dr. John Delony Show - Disgusting Racism, Boyfriend Won't Propose, & Family Boundaries

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I've been with my boyfriend for four years and we function as a married couple. I thought this would be the year he proposed. He still says he isn’t ready. How do we let in-laws know we won’t be around my brother-in-law when he gets out of prison? I am an Asian male experiencing racism.   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp   tags: marriage, relationships, goals/life planning, boundaries, family, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we got a hard show ahead of us. We got a boyfriend who's non-committal after four or five years. We got boundary setting with a brother-in-law who's getting out of prison. We talked to our new friend, Park, an Asian who's studying here in the United States, and the disgusting racism that he's facing. Stay tuned. Hey, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're staying out of trouble.

I hope your friends are getting along well. I hope you and your family are doing all right. And if you're stuck somewhere by yourself, I hope you're reaching out to folks. I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're laughing. Hey, if you haven't watched the new Nate Bargatze special on Netflix, it's awesome. It's hilarious.

I hope you're finding ways to laugh, right? This isn't really a commercial for Nate. But, man, I'm so glad you're here. Give us a shout if you want to be on the show. We talk about relationships, mental health stuff, marriages, breaking up. All of it, man. Everything. 1-844-693-3291 that's 1-844-693-3291

we have two things of business here um one for the podcast team and one for the youtube crew so i was just getting ready to go with the show here and so here's the thing i work at ramsey solutions here in Nashville, and this building is full of like 1,000 of the most creative people on earth. There's people from Disney and Pixar. All the places you can imagine there are creative folks. They migrate and work here. Even James and Kelly work here.

They were here before things got really creative, but they're still here, right? So we're about to shoot the show, and then my man Matt Hudson comes in, the creative extraordinaire, and he brought me these. And if you can't see it, these are, can you show Matt in there in the booth, Zach? Look at that guy. Wave. Dude, he made me a bunch of stickers that are rocket ships being fueled by diarrhea. Rocket diarrhea stickers, if you will. Do what? Can you? It's the most absurd, awesome sticker. I've already put it on my water bottle here. This is why you work with creative people because they will make rocket diarrhea stickers. Listen, the first person to DM me after this episode airs and just say, I want a sticker, I'm going to mail you some. Way to use your

creative talents to bring joy to my life, i'm gonna put these all over my kids lunch boxes i'm gonna i'm gonna put them all over my wife's car i'm for sure gonna put them on kelly's car this is so great you've made my whole week man thanks brother for using your creative talents for good you could have been using them for evil to make stickers that say like my kids an honor student or stupid stuff like that but nope you took the show colors and made rockets being fueled by diarrhea dude i'm so i'm so happy that makes that makes me laugh it makes me joyful all right and here's the other thing um so the guy who serves is kind of the vp of deloney right the guy who's like the manager who runs my life here um he lives

in a neighborhood and last this past weekend nashville just got smoked with with rain i think we got seven inches six half inch something like that in one night it was wild and um there was flooding all throughout the city um just a lot of damage a lot of people struggling a lot of people rallying together and then this there's like a neighborhood um facebook page in his neighborhood his name's cody in his in cody's neighborhood and somebody's house flooded and they had standing water all through the house and so they ran the sub pump all night to get all the water out and it's probably a sub pump that was borrowed by another neighbor or somebody dropped it off everybody's helping each other out and then somebody dresses up so they disguise themselves so they're not seen on the little ring cameras.

And they go up to the door and they leave this note. And it's a picture of a note here. I'm going to read it to you. Here's what the note says. Your sub pump, dear so-and-so, your sub pump kept our entire family up for the entire night. It clicked off about 4.30 a.m., likely because there was no more water in your house or yard. It's so loud it shakes our house. How can you think that's the neighborly thing to do?

Want water out of your backyard? That's fine. Do it at a reasonable hour. There are quiet hours in this neighborhood. Next time the cops will be called no questions asked so since this is my show i just wanted to say if you wrote this you're not a very good person and i want you to know that people like this exist out in the world and they get swallowed up by the people who show up and were cleaning houses for neighbors. They were showing up and loaning equipment.

Some guy came and was helping me. My driveway got completely washed out, and he shows up with his tractor and starts helping with the driveway. My son and I were pulling sticks out of the road and logs out of the road. Everybody in this company is helping folks who had stuff, had their houses covered up in water, man, people reaching out to each other. I want you to know that there are idiots and morons and just genuinely bad people in the world. But I want you to know this. There's more good than bad. There's more good people out there helping and serving than this type of person.

And I want you to know if you receive a note like this or somebody pipes into your social media outlet or whatever your stupid little digital box on the Facebooks or the internets, whatever, and they leave you stupid notes or evil notes or mean notes, I want you to know that they're not the only voice out there. And somebody who's going to leave this kind of note has got a lot of demons in their own heart, in their own soul, in their own family, and I'm going to think positive thoughts about them because I'm not going to wear this stuff,

and I want you to know that there's more good than ugly in the world. Period. End of story. And as this person writes here, to the neighbor who disguised himself and left this letter on my sister's doorstep, your lack of compassion and self-awareness have not gone unnoticed. I'm certain it wasn't the torrential downpour,

the thunder, or 2,000 plus lightning strikes is what have kept you up. I pray as you watch the news today on this Palm Sunday, your heart softens as your fellow neighbors help each other out. Happy Sunday, y'all. I concur. Oh, man.

That makes me think we all need another Rocket Diarrhea sticker right there. Can you imagine, James? Can you imagine? You're not even a good person, and you wouldn't put a note like that out there. Good God almighty. Now I'm feeling really guilty for writing the thing. You should. And what's super funny is you weren't trying to disguise yourself. That's just how's just how you look that's why black that's just that's how you showed up

all right let's go uh to jamie in indianapolis jamie what's going on how are we doing i'm doing well how are you i'm good i'm good i've got my stickers i've got my bad attitude out of the way and now we are ready to to help some people and you're up. What's going on? Well, first of all, I'm super jealous of your stickers, and I'm super grateful to be talking to you. Thanks for taking my call. Listen, Jamie, you should be super jealous of these stickers. If you can see them, they're incredible, but such it is. All right, so what's up?

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years now. It'll be five years next month. Why? That's so long. Um, well, we're basically married without being married. Um, and this is probably my own fault, but I really, I thought that this would really be the year that he proposed that he would propose. And it sounds like that's not happening anytime soon. What made you, what made you think that, that this was the year? I tend to read into things way too much. So that's, like I said, my own fault and I own that. But I work every year. He's got to pick vacations right at the beginning of the year.

And he happened to have off Valentineentine's day and my birthday and our anniversary and i thought for sure it would happen at one of those times so he didn't say anything you just looked at the calendar you're like one of these is going to be it yeah which yeah it's i shouldn't have let myself think like that i don't i don't know if that's necessarily the case i mean i I'm as hopeful and optimistic and reading into things as the next person. Why do you want to marry this guy? He's a good person, and we make such a good team. We've knocked out debt together, which I know is definitely not what you guys teach, but I mean, we just make such a good team. We

build each other up. We've helped each other grow so much. We love each other like crazy. I mean, we just make such a good team. We build each other up. We've helped each other grow so much. We love each other like crazy. Why doesn't he want to marry you? I wish I knew, and I think that's what I'm having the most trouble dealing with. So in one hand, you've told me all these things you do together. You make such a great team. You compliment each other.

You're Rene Zellweweger and he's Tom Cruise. You complete him and it all comes together, except you can't have this one conversation about why you're not married. I tried to bring up the conversation and it upsets him when I bring it up. What do you mean it upsets him when I bring it up. And he more or less asks me to be patient. What do you mean it upsets him? You said that like a young child and it's like, we must keep the floors clean before daddy comes home because it upsets him. Like what do you mean it upsets him?

It's kind of hard to describe. It's almost like a trauma response. He feels really angry and almost a little bit attacked. And I don't, it's kind of hard to describe. I'm sorry. So, no, that's okay. So, in lieu of him feeling attacked for you saying, hey, we've been doing this for four or five years, you know my heart. You know where I want to be. You know that we are great together. You, instead of him feeling one quote-unquote attack, you endure small attack after attack after attack every single day upon week upon month upon year why is his feelings and um emotional state so much more important than yours

i guess that's a good question because you're hurting right it does hurt yeah and i mean i'm trying to hey hold on no no it's okay to hurt. Yeah. This sucks. And people can say whatever they want, blah, blah, blah, about, well, you shouldn't have. Man, I would have done the same thing. I would have looked at the dates and been like, ooh, one of these is going to be it. I would have done the same thing. You know what I mean? You're not dumb or bad or anything like that.

You're heartbroken, and that's okay. I'm never going to take that away from somebody. The real question is like, what can I do to help? What do you want to do? I guess I just need help knowing how to be patient with him. Cause that's, that's basically what he just asked me for was patience. What's he waiting for? I mean, he's, I think he's still just kind of scared by

the idea of being married. We, I mean, a lot of marriages in his family aren't good. We just watched my parents go through a really bitter divorce. Do y'all live together? We do, yes. And you've joined finances together. I mean, what does he think is going to be different? Is he just leaving the door cracked a little bit in case he just needs to run out? Or is not getting married like his little blankie that keeps him warm and safe at night? I'm not sure. I mean, that probably could be a good way to put it, honestly. I mean, when I've asked him about it before, I mean, he says stuff about divorce statistics and...

The living with statistics are just as bad, if not worse. Oh, yeah. I've brought that up. See, so it's not a data conversation. So I'll tell you, here's my personal story. Me and my wife dated for five years. We broke up a whole bunch and dated people off and on in between and all that. And it was ultimately a conversation I had fishing with my buddy Ryan. And he looked at me as only guys can do at midnight after, you know, you stop like pretending and we're just sitting out there with our stupid catfish lines in the water and there's nothing doing.

And he said, why aren't you married? And I said, bro, I don't know, man. I'm just like being single and he said dude you know you don't you don't do anything single people do you're boring you don't go out you don't date or like what are you doing and i remember thinking i don't know what am i doing and he's like that's the person you're supposed to marry what do you and it was that i had to have somebody just talk to me, right? Otherwise, I was just peeing around and being a wimpy child brat is what I was being. And we weren't even living together.

I mean, we were just dating, dating. Here's the thing. You've already accepted this as is. And so for him, another year can be another two years, can be another three years, can be another five years, can be another 10 years. be another three years can be another five years can be another 10 years because what's why why change what he's got right now he's got a great roommate he's got somebody who he loves he's got somebody who's on the same page with him financially he's got someone who's on the same page with him everything except doesn't want to be commit to stability so why change it for him?

There's nothing in his world that needs changing at all. And if the person he says he loves wants to change, then all he has to do is throw a timber changement about it, get his feelings hurt, and then you'll back so far off and you won't bring it up again for a year. You'll hurt over it. You'll ache over it. You'll ache over it. You'll dream about it. You'll check his calendar about it, but you won't wade into that uncomfortable water. And then you're out. And so there's no reason for him to change. And so I'll ask you,

what do you want to change? I mean, I would like us to be married. I just love the idea of everybody that matters to us being in the room together and holding us accountable to those vows we would make to each other. I love that too. Dude, I'm self-admitted. I'm an old-fashioned marriage nerd when it comes down to it. I'm still a sucker for it.

I love it. So, yeah, I'm with you on that. But at the end of the day, you got to ask yourself, are you going to walk out the door or are you going to hang on? So five years later, are you still in the same boat? Or is there a or what moment for you? Or an if-then moment for you? Have you put a date on the calendar?

I haven't. I'm very type A, and I've considered it, but I've... Type A is usually a defense mechanism. Yeah. What's in your heart? If he says, hey, I'm not getting married to you. I love you, you're my person, but I'm not going to do it. Are you just going to call it what it is and just be together for the next 10 years?

Or are you going to say, I want someone who's going to respect me and the life that I want to live, and I'm out? Yeah, I guess that's kind of where I'm at an impasse because he keeps saying it is going to happen, but... There is zero, none, zero impetus for him to change anything. None. I'm not even blaming him. There's nothing. There's no reason for him to disrupt his life.

None. My concern for you is what happens when he does marry you. Then the kid question comes up. The, whose parents are we going to stay at over Thanksgiving comes up. Hey, we're going to go to my parents for Christmas, and then we're going to go to his parents for Christmas. These hard conversations will emerge time and time again.

They're just going to get way, way more complex and harder, right? Are we going to send our kids to this school or that school? Are we going to move to this? Cause I got this new job. And my bigger concern for you guys is not that you were together for five years. I did this and I've got a better marriage than most of the folks I know. It's hard. All marriage is hard. All relationships are hard. They're a mess. They're a challenge. Um, so the time isn't that big a deal. My concern is y'all don't have a platform to have hard conversations together. Or deep, meaningful, this really matters to me conversations.

Because it sounds like when you lay that on the table, he turtles up, says, you don't care about me. This really hurts. And it's everyone's. And then you back way off because you want peace. Is that fair? Yes. And that's totally fair. And I am trying to work on that. I've been reading Gottman and Chapman and trying to pipe up more about these things. You don't have to read anything else. All you have to do is remember this. What you want really, really matters. And often, 21st century women are conditioned

to be peacekeepers. Your job is to make sure everybody else is okay. And I want you to know that's not your job in this relationship. You are a fierce co-member of this relationship. You're 50% of it. And you should be 100% of it for him. And he should be 100% of it and you should be a hundred percent of it for him and he should be a hundred percent of it for you and i know that math doesn't work and i don't care relational math never works y'all should be in this all together and you should at least be able to sit down and have this conversation to where he can explain to you without getting his feelings hurt without being drama without throwing a temper tantrum it's coming it's gonna be without all that nonsense he should be able to sit down and say,

here's what really scares the crap out of me about this. And his feelings could be really valid on that. I just hate grown-up temper tantrums. And vice versa, you should be able to articulate, here's why I want to solidify this, etch it into concrete and stone so that we are ride or die until the end of time. Because right now, I just want to have a party so everybody holds us accountable.

That's not a good reason either. Why do you want to take what you guys have and elevate it to marital status forever? Why are you going to bind yourself to this guy? You'll need to be able to have that hard conversation because it just gets harder and harder and harder. And I tell you what, there are some girlfriends in my past that I would do anything to go back and redo conversations because I acted like an idiot. I was a child. I was a moron. I hurt people's feelings.

Not because I was trying to be rude or I just didn't know how to do it. And then I would do anything to be able to go back and have some conversations early in my marriage with my wife because I didn't know what I was doing, and I threw temper tantrums, not in a slamming door kind of way, but in the kind of way you're describing, the, you know what I mean, just that dramatic, and so here's the thing. I want you to have the courage to have your voice be heard. You deserve to have your voice be heard in this thing. What you want, what you deserve, what you envision in this thing, it matters. It's important, Jamie,

and it counts. It counts. And if you've already over four and five years created a world where all he has to do is throw a temper tantrum and he gets what he wants all he has to do is um say i don't want to talk about it and you're like cool cool cool cool man you deserve more than that jamie and i'll tell you your if if your fiance husband i mean your boyfriend whatever when your boyfriend hears this you deserve you deserve to articulate what's going on in your heart, man. Not just play some kind of angry, it's going to happen someday. Sit down and have grown-up conversations. And if y'all can't do this, go see a counselor right now. A relationship counselor together that helps you map this stuff out together.

You both deserve to live in a relationship where both of you are fully heard, fully expressed, and fully happy. And those are not all mutually exclusive. Not everybody wins, right? But listen, if you win and he loses, you both lose. And if he wins and you win, everybody wins. And there's ways to do that by communicating. Listen, Jamie, I know this is hard. I know this is heartbreaking. And I'm not going to take that from you. I already said that And I'm not going to take that from you. I already said that. I'm not going to take it from you. I hate this for you.

I want this to be the moment you say, you know what? My voice, it matters here. It matters in this relationship. It does. And if you don't have somebody in your life that thinks your voice matters or that theirs matters more than you, I want you to think hard about meeting with somebody about is this the relationship for the rest of your life? Because it just gets harder from here. Thank you so, so much for the call.

Let's go to Tracy in St. Louis. What's up, Tracy? You know, just living the dream. Good for you. I'm glad somebody is. That's awesome. What can I do to help? How are you?

No, it's actually funny because I had a pretty bad day before this but my question is how do my husband and i tell his parents my in-laws um that we're not going to have anything to do with my brother-in-law who is soon to be released from prison without it sounding like a declaration of war, you know, like, you know, like you have to pick a side. I don't know. I don't know that you can. It sounds like you've declared war and you've picked a side. Well, no, we don't want them to feel like they have to pick a side, but we want to make

it clear that like, we're not going to have anything to do with him. And so like, he's not invited to our house. We won't be attending gatherings that he's at, but we're happy to be, you know, flexible if they're going to do things together. You know, we're not going to say, well, Christmas dinner is at our house at noon, be there or don't. What did this guy do?

That's irredeemable. So he's in prison for committing burglaries. Okay. But leading up to that, he had stolen over $50,000 from my in-laws. That's their issue. Yeah. Our issue is that while he's been in prison, he has sent hundreds of letters to my in-laws' house where we used to live, talking about all kinds of crazy and violent things, including fratricide. And he also thinks that my nine-year-old stepdaughter, my husband's daughter, is his spirit child

and he is spiritually her father. Whoa. And that combined with the violent letters makes... We're not willing to risk her or my husband. Yeah. So are your in-laws planning on welcoming him back with open arms or are they going to get a restraining order the moment he gets out of jail i i don't i mean my mother-in-law just tried to buy a house for him that didn't pass the home plan so he's not actually going to be really he was scheduled to be released this coming

saturday um but because it didn't pass the home plan he's not coming but now we're like okay we need to have this conversation because i mean the main issue is really my stepdaughter because i'll die before i'm near her so let's step back from him because this is super charged okay this is really heavy let's back it up and just say that your in-laws asked you to go camping in the arizona desert in august as a family and they said hey this is our jam this is what we do you just married into this family little lady we all go camping in arizona in august and it's hot hot and we get sunburned it's kind of a family tradition in fact we we uh put little stickers on our bodies and we

get sunburned all around them we're just weirdos right and you my family did that that's not weird just for the record tracy it's super weird but it's not it's not weird at all um but you didn't know about this you married him and then all of a sudden one night uh y'all are laying in your bed and the lights are off and you just say hey honey he's like yeah babe and you say there's no chance i'm going camping in arizona none zero and he starts laughing he's like i was waiting for you to say that i get that and then you have to have that conversation with his in-laws and it's just as simple as hey we love you guys're not going to go camping this year, but we can't wait to see you at the holidays. And the more you try to explain, dramatize, give reasons, examples on

the back end, the more complicated and messy it gets. And so that's not a charged situation. It could become one depending on how cool or lame your in-laws are, but it is what it is. When it comes to this, this is somebody who's demonstrated to you in your eyes that they're not safe, that they don't intend on being safe. They haven't been safe in the past. They're not going to be safe in the future. And so it's just a very simple, we will not be communicating with this person in any shape, form, or fashion in any way. And we may even pursue a restraining order when they get out of jail. We don't want them near us, near our daughter, and then we're going to go happily about our lives.

If you choose to have them in your life, great. We will not be there. And there's just a period at the end of that sentence said in a matter-of-fact way, not a go-to-war way, not an angry way, but just a way that this is what's going to happen, as though the sky is blue and our grass is somewhat green. Right. yeah it's just it sucks it's not you didn't cause it but now it's in your lap and you've got to deal with it right right somebody ring your doorbell we're really close

and I guess I worry that like this is definitely going to be a barrier to that if your in-laws choose for it to be it will be that doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing it doesn't mean that it doesn't change over time it doesn't mean that four years later three years from now two years from now this guy's out and he's cool and he's doing his work and doing

his thing and taking his meds whatever he's got to be doing and y'all make some concessions and changes um but if y'all don't feel safe if you don't feel comfortable this is an easy easy situation an easy boundary to draw this isn't like hey i don't like sleeping outside this isn't like i don't want to drive halfway across the country i guess it's a simple boundary to draw it's not an easy boundary to draw because like it's like you know like it's simple like it's straightforward and i get that i guess i was you know spoken like oh he's really good at stuff maybe he'll have something to say that won't upset people and they'll just be like oh yeah i totally get your viewpoint

there is when it comes to somebody who has lost perspective with one of their kids there is no rational conversation you can have. Straightforward, as short as possible, and then you separate. That's it. So whenever you're bringing somebody in to let them go, to fire them from their job, that should be a very, very short conversation. And we're going to let you go in a week or two. We'll circle back and you can meet with HR to get the specifics that we've chosen at this time to let you go. If you would ever let me do that job, I'd be so bad at it. If you've got, well, it's the kindest, think about it ripping a bandaid off or a surgeon,

right? Do you want the surgeon to take the blunt instrument and just drag it across your poor little leg? No. You want them to use the sharpest item they've got, the smallest, most precise tool, and they want to make a quick cut, a concise cut, and get it done. Same thing here. It cannot be a surprise to your in-laws. It can't be. Unless they've just become delusional too. And that does happen, right? When you're talking... I met with parents like that, with students of mine that were that way. We had a come to Jesus talk two Christmases ago. Okay. Because I say it's my in-laws, but it's my mother-in-law.

Okay. You know, my father-in-law, if you take him aside, he is totally against it, but... Then he needs to stand up too for the safety of his family and he's choosing not to so he's choosing not to protect his family yeah and you know my husband has two other brothers and vocally they're you know also like no he can't be back into our lives unless he's willing to go through all of the hoops of probation and parole and get on medication and get help. Because clearly, what's in those letters? He cannot be of sound mind.

And I am sympathetic to that. Hey, you're super lucky here. So join forces together. Do that meeting together together make sure everybody's on the same page maybe even write a letter and if you want to be really straightforward and bold send him a letter in jail that because of your behavior because of your letters you're not going to be welcome at our home until you do the following x y and z let him know up front so we can hold this letter. We love you. We

wish the best for you. We can't help you at this time. And the things that you're writing in these letters are making us uncomfortable for the protection of our family. You don't have to do that. You can. You can write that letter to your mom or your mother-in-law knowing that she's probably going to show it to him, right? But here's the thing. There is no shortcut to a hard conversation. Say it. Be clear, concise. Know exactly what you want to say, and then get out and bail, right?

It's as straightforward as humanly possible. And there is no easy way to do it. There's no way that it isn't uncomfortable. The quicker and cleaner that cut, the quicker and cleaner it can heal, right? I just never even thought of that surgery analogy till just now, and I think it works pretty good. All right, let's take one more call. Thank you, Tracy. Thank you for that call.

It sucks. I do want to know how the conversation goes, though. If you will have that conversation with your in-laws, draw that line. You're going to feel weight leave your shoulders. We've done it. This is it. You are not going to feel good when he gets out of jail.

You're not not unless you get some sort of police protection or some sort of come to jesus conversation maybe between your husband and him in the jail before you leave some some sort of closure conversation but chances are this is going to be something that's going to haunt your family for the future and y'all got to be really clear on your boundaries and really direct all right let's talk to uh park in indianapolis indiana what's up park how we doing brother i'm doing great how are you All right, let's talk to Park in Indianapolis, Indiana. What's up, Park? How are we doing, brother?

I'm doing great. How are you? Man, I could not be doing much better. It is beautiful out today, and I'm doing all right. So what's going on, man? How can I help? So first of all, I'm Asian. Yes. And I'm getting attacked frequently because of my race.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, hold on, man. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. Dude, I'm sorry. Yeah. Man, I'm heartbroken for you. Tell me about what's going on. So, last week,

I was at the parking lot at the front of the grocery store and there was a man who called me like Chinese virus, and he said, go back to coming to China. You don't deserve to be here. So he even kicked my shopping cart. I'm not exaggerating.

He kicked my shopping cart and I had to pick up all the stuff from the ground. So I'm so scared of going. No, no one helped me. No one helped me. So I was so scared. I felt so lonely. Yeah. And then so I'm so scared of going out and buy groceries going to class I feel like I might get killed because of my race you know

yeah dude I'm so sparked man hey I'm so so sorry how old are you man uh 23 23 what are you studying I'm studying economics in college yeah um what school what school are you at my school yeah um you know what you don't tell me that you don't tell me that that's cool um okay so tell me about tell me about who you are tell me about who you are. Tell me about your story.

Okay, so first of all, I'm from South Korea. Yeah. And I moved to the United States after I finished my elementary school from South Korea because of my parents' job. Yeah. So I first moved to Boston, and I attended middle school there. And after that, after finishing middle school, I had to decide whether I go back to South Korea for high school or stay in the United States. And then I decided to stay in the United States and then I attended high school. And at that time, I stayed at the homestay. And after that, I finished my high school and at the time I stayed at the homestay and after that I finished my high school and then I got accepted to the college in Indiana and I moved

to Indiana and right now I'm staying in apartment going to school, studying economics, and also I'm doing remote internship at one of the software, like IT software company in Silicon Valley. Awesome. Hey, good for you, dude. Listen, I hate this. It's disgusting, and it's evil, and that crap should not be going on, man. Absolutely. Listen to me. It shouldn't be going on. And I'm sorry that you can't go outside and you feel scared to go to the grocery store because somebody attacked you already. It's nonsense, and it's ridiculous, and I'm heartbroken for you. I'm heartbroken for the idiots

who think that's a good idea and that makes them feel better. I'm heartbroken for you. I'm heartbroken for the passerbys who didn't stop and intervene and even those who were terrified who didn't stop and help you pick up your stuff. I'm heartbroken by the whole mess, dude.

You deserve better than this from the citizens of Indianapolis. You deserve better than this from the citizens of Indianapolis, and you deserve better than this from the citizens of your community. And, Park, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't make you any safer at the grocery store, brother, but I'm sorry. It should not happen. Tell me about your community there. Do you have a group of people that you love and interact with

are you stuck all by yourself people isolating you tell me what's what's going on in your community there so you know since last year i have been staying by myself because majority of my friends are international students like mostly from china, Taiwan, and some of them are from like Vietnam. And since COVID-19 hit the United States very hard, majority of them went back to their country. And I also tried to get a flight ticket, but it was so expensive. And also, you know, in South Korea, if I enter there, I have to do self-quarantine for two weeks. And I have to pay for it. And also due to time zone difference, like it is so difficult for me to take class during the midnight, like 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning in South Korea.

So it's nonsense for me. So I just decided to stay in the United States. And since COVID, I have not meeting my friend face to face, only like chatting, like Facebook chat, and that's it. Oh, man. So listen, you may have heard me on the show before. Understanding the physiology of that, you realize that your body is slowly folding in on itself from loneliness, right? Right. And you're in a tough, tough situation because you have to be in proximity to other people.

You have to. You got to. You've got to have a community of people that you can interact with, talk to, communicate with, that will help that your brain feels safe. And at the same time, you're in a situation now where you can't even go to the grocery store, man. I hate it. Tell me about your school. guy at multiple universities we worked with students in your situation to make sure they were safe to provide them with some sort of community to make sure they could get to and

from places if they needed to there should be some support networks built into the university you're attending is that available to you or no uh that's available so actually like before i send you the letter i already talked talked to my academic advisor. And there is an organization that supports international students. And I already talked to them. But I feel like I have to share this story to everybody. You're exactly right. Ignorance is the problem for the racism.

Ignorance is the major cause. Yeah. So, you're going out to a whole bunch of people, right? To millions of people. If, and you have done a brave thing by calling into the show, and you've done a brave thing by putting a name in a situation to this. I want everybody listening here. A guy just went to get groceries and

somebody kicked over the cart, call him a bunch of derogatory names. That's something he has. He's trying to go to college. He's trying to help out you and your communities. This type of stuff is disgusting, man. So if you could say anything to the millions of people listening to this, what would it be? I'm also belonging to your community. Yeah. Yes, I'm Asian, but I'm not type of virus. I don't carry virus.

I already took COVID testing for two times and they're all negative. I have been wearing mask. I have been washing my hands. I have been following the rules. But why do I have to get blamed? Because I'm Asian? Because I'm international student? Because my accent is not American?

That's ridiculous. Amen. Yeah. You're right. So, here's what I want every listener to hear. When you're walking at the grocery store, looking at the prices of the fruit, looking at is there any discounts on cereal, and you see somebody that doesn't look like you, I want you to understand they're having a totally different experience in that aisle than you are. And if they happen to be

Asian American, they happen to be Asian, they happen to be visiting your community, putting money into your community and getting educated at the schools that you're attending to like our friend Park here, I want you to know there's a chance that they are walking down that aisle terrified that you may reach out and hurt them. That you may reach out and kick their cart over and no one's you to know there's a chance that they are walking down that aisle terrified that you may reach out and hurt them.

That you may reach out and kick their cart over and no one's going to sit there and bend down and help you pick up your stuff. And so I'm calling on every listener of this podcast, every listener of this podcast with kids, every listener of this podcast who's married or dating somebody who's got parents, open your mouths and open your eyes. What's happening is ridiculous. It's stupid. It's obnoxious, and it's embarrassing for our whole country.

It's embarrassing. We've got to be better than this. Park, I want to tell you on behalf of everybody, I'm glad you're here. Thank you. And I hope that the ignorant, ridiculous, heartbreaking actions of a few morons Thank you. to step up and start serving the least of these in our communities, especially those folks who don't look like us because everybody's fighting a battle inside their heart and mind every day. And we just look like we're pushing grocery carts and we're not. Life's hard. The person walking in front of you in the grocery store, walking a little bit too slow, you don't know what their marriage is like. You don't know if they got a kid in the hospital. The youngian american guy the young asian guy just going to get groceries you don't know how terrified and

how tightly he's gripping that cart because he's scared to death park thank you so so much for your call thanks for being brave and hey um if somebody reaches out with a hand of support let me know and if any more further nonsense calls let me know please don't hesitate to call the police because they're there to serve you too. Please don't hesitate to call your campus support networks because they're there to support you too. Please call on your academic advisors. Please gather allies if possible. Let your classmates know what you're experiencing. Let those kids in your internship class know what you're experiencing. And my hope is when they hear your story, that you're no longer a headline.

You're no longer an issue. You're no longer something happening in somebody else's town. Hey, hold on. That's our buddy Park. No way, dude. We're all going to the store now. Park, you're coming with us. And that's how we combat this nonsense.

Park, you're coming with us. All of us, no more. No more. Man, no more. Oh man, James. I'm going to wrap up the show here and I don't I think we're good yeah I think we're good I'm out no song for today guys men and women when your neighborhood needs you pull out your headphones

and go help your neighbor turn this podcast off and go help your neighbor this has been the Dr. John Deloney Show