The Dr. John Delony Show - Do I Force My Daughter To Have a Relationship With Her Dad?

Episode Date: April 26, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A mom worried her daughter will regret not having a relationship with her dad - A woman wondering how to help her special-needs son thrive - A man unsure of how to communicate boundaries to his father-in-law Lyrics of the Day: "I Won't Back Down" - Tom Petty Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He got her into really competitive teams and whatnot. It seemed like it was more so for him than it was for her. So she wasn't really enjoying it as much as he wanted her to. Your kid is not a window whose sole purpose is for you to relive your childhood. What up? How's it going? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you are doing well. This is a marriage and parenting mental health show. Probably the best one ever. And here's the deal.

I got one goal with this show. It's to help you, the listener, not feel so alone in this world that's gone sideways. To let you know that you're probably not nuts. Or if you are, maybe for the first time, someone that you trust is going to tell you, yeah, it's you. This show exists because I want people to have a better life. I want them to have a more peaceful marriage. I want them to be able to sleep at night without medication, to be able to drink coffee in the morning because they want to, not because they have to. I want parents and kids to reconnect. I want people to feel safe in their

schools and to feel like schools are helping out and navigate the college process. I want to walk alongside folks. And so that's why the show exists. And I continue to be so grateful for everybody who reach out and say, Hey, this is, this is how my marriage is different. Now, this is how, um, my interaction with my kids is different. Now this is how our sex life has improved. This is how I finally got the courage to leave my marriage after this many years, um, because of the abuse and all those things All those things, it brings me such joy. And so I'm grateful for everybody who's a part of this show, continues to grow exponentially, and I'm just so grateful. It means all of the world to me, but that doesn't matter.

It means all the world to folks struggling to get through their day. If you will hit the subscribe button, if you will hit the like button, the follow button, if you will leave five-star reviews, it just puts the show in front of other people who otherwise wouldn't know we exist. And for those of you who've been riding with us since day one, thank you so, so, so much. We've gone from 17 listeners to millions, and it's just extraordinary. So thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Savannah, Georgia and talk to Sophia. Sophia, how are we doing? What's going on? Pretty good. How are you? Excellent. Excellent. What's happening?

All right. So I'm calling because I wanted to ask you or get your opinion, your help. I have an 18 year old daughter who basically has no, she doesn't have a good relationship with her father. Where'd he go? Well, he's around. I can give you a little bit of a backstory. So him and I, we were never married. We never lived together, but he would always see her. Up until about 13, when she turned 13, they had a pretty good relationship. You know,

she'd go over there every other weekend and during the week and whatnot. At 13, she started playing sports, softball to be precise. And so he got her into really competitive teams and whatnot. And it seemed like it was more so for him than it was for her eventually. So she wasn't really enjoying it as much as he wanted her to. And so... She wasn't fulfilling his dreams as much as he needed them to be fulfilled by his daughter. So ridiculous. Exactly.

So eventually she got out of the competitive teams and she just stuck with high school ball and middle school or whatnot. After that, it seemed like their relationship just went downhill because he would always complain and say, you know, she didn't want the responsibility. She didn't want. No, she was 13. Right. Of course she doesn't. Oh, my gosh. You are pushing my buttons, and it is early this morning.

I know it. Well, tell me about it. Oh, geez. Okay, let me just pause it here. To every parent listening, your kid is not a window through which whose sole purpose is for you to relive your childhood and your kids

think about it it's another kid tossing a ball and another kid hitting it with a stick or chasing a anyway I can get derailed here and it's too early to be drinking Dick are chasing us. Anyway. All right. I can get derailed here and it's too early to be drinking.

So go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. So, um, basically, you know, the years pass by and,

um, she's, she's 18 now. So she just graduated high school. Um, and throughout the years he was, he just kind of got a little out of her life. Um, little by little, I think the whole softball thing was what triggered it. And then he would just say,

oh, well, when I call her, she barely talks to me. Or if I text her, she just answers with, you know, hi or no, or, you know, one word answers or whatnot. And I remember I'd always tell him, well, you know, she's a teenager. I don't think she particularly wants to sit down and have a huge conversation about life with her dad right now, or her mom for that matter, you know? So he would always complain about that.

He is an immature coward. Yeah. And if you've listened to this show, I don't throw that around a lot, but I'm so sick oh the only thing worse than i get more frustrated over i get frustrated over kids unfettered access to social media that's number one i get super frustrated by parents obsession with travel sports and forcing their kids along and then saying it's for them. And I especially am sick of kids being responsible for making mom and dad feel special and loved. And that kind of, she just responds with high or whatever. It's the parent's job to show up in that relationship because they're kids.

Right? Right. Madness. Madness. Madness. And that's what I've always told him because he would ask me, oh, well, you know, what do you think the issue is? You do. He's the issue. He's the issue.

Right. I would tell him, you know, I think you're the one who needs to show up. You're the adult. Now that she's 18, he said, well, you know, she's an adult now. You can't use that same excuse. And I said, well, you know, she's an adult now. You can't use that same excuse. And I said, well, you never really tried either, you know? And so I guess at the end of the day, what I'm wanting to, to know is if I should tell her, Hey, why don't you try and have a relationship with him?

Just because I don't want her feeling like, what did I do for my dad? Not to love me. She's going to feel that no matter what because her dad doesn't. Right. So you're trying to create a fantasy that's not real. Okay. I am heartbroken for you

that your daughter's dad is such a spineless coward that he's walked out on his daughter. I'm sorry. Because I know that you love your daughter a lot and you don't want to see her hurt like she's going to hurt. Right. And she is.

Yeah, and she tells me it doesn't bother her. But it does. Of course she has to say that. I know it does. She has to say that. Jeez, man. Yes, she is going to miss her dad. And she is going to find all sorts of substitutes in life

to fill that massive, massive hole in her heart. But he's a spineless coward. And that's all there is to it. That's all there is to it. Even the language of, well, she's an adult now. You can't use that. Yes, you can. Because I've seen 70-year-old parents who are abusive and who were dogmatic and who were obsessive about this is my religion or my rules

or my i'm right and they finally dropped that charade nonsense and they said hey you're my kid i love you and the kid was 38 and i've seen healing there too But it has to come from mom and dad. Because they're the parent. Yeah. And your sweet little girl doesn't have that. And so. Right. If I'm.

Here's the deal. The only thing I can tell you here. I don't have like a clinical study to back up what I'm going to say. I'm just going to tell you that if I was sitting across from my daughter and her mom had just mysteriously left and then would say things like, whenever I text her, she just writes back one word letter. So she doesn't even like me. What a stupid crap like that. By the way, I do want to put a pin in something you said before I get back to it. I know I'm all over the place because this just gets me all fired up. The whole idea that quote unquote kids just naturally pull apart when they're teenagers is actually not true. It's not born out in the scientific literature. It's not real. They do it because they have to survive.

There is some, and I don't mean this in a gross, abusive way. I mean this in men become terrified of their daughter's sexuality, and they don't know what to do with it. And so they don't, they're not creepers. They're not abusers. They just disappear. And that child has to have somebody in relationship. Moms have a weird interaction with their daughters at times, especially teenage

daughters. And it's easier to just kind of back up. I don't want to get in the way. They want to be with their friends. So we have a generation of kids who are being raised by their peers. And we've heard the studies that peer influence is more than parent influence, but that's because we have become wholly unlikable people as parents. We've abdicated our responsibility to schools and to screens and to other peers. And even my buddy, like a youth minister, parents come up to him and it's like, hey, you're going to teach them this, this, and this. And it's like, that's your job. You're the parent, right? So the parents have outsourced everything. And now kids, their parents aren't trustworthy. And so of course they're going to hang out with other people. But let me tell you something,

when you meet kids who trust their parents and whose parents are fun, likable people who also hold them accountable, I'm not talking about just chaotic, but I'm talking about who are good, solid adults. It's incredible to watch. Their kids love their parents. Of course, they love their boyfriend or girlfriend and their friends, but they love their parents. It's not a weird thing like it is in so many millions of households. So I want to put a pin in that. If I'm you and I'm having this conversation, I would sit down before my daughter goes to college and let her know something was wrong with dad not you and i'm heartbroken and sad that dad chose immaturity and dad chose um uh other things but that she is not the problem

dad is yeah and i've had that conversation with her because uh like on father's day or on his birthday, if she texts him or calls, the first thing he says, Oh, you finally remembered or, Oh, you remembered because it's a special day or whatever. So I'm thinking, you know, why would he even do that to her? He's a spineless coward. He's an immature. She's a child. He's a child.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. but here's what you cannot do so if you can't do this you cannot put this burden on her right okay and you can tell her i'm really heartbroken that um you don't have a good relationship with your dad because that's such an important part of human development is having a good relationship with with your mom and your dad because that's such an important part of human development is having a good relationship with your mom and your dad. And you don't have that. I'm so, so sorry. I think that conversation is true and real. And maybe woman to woman saying, hey, here's how you might go looking for that relationship out in the world. Don't. Or here's how to do this wisely,

right? Because that leaning will be there. is to fill up help fill up that other that gap but oh man um don't put the emotional regulation of of an immature dad on an 18 year old girl she can't carry that weight it's not her it's not her responsibility at some point if she chooses and again not as an 18 year old i'm talking about a 22, 25. She's established. She's got a job. She's figuring out life. If she chooses to say, I want to be in relationship with this guy. I want to have something to do with him.

I know he's immature. I'm not coming to him to fulfill my needs. I'm not coming to him as a daughter trying to be full and loved, but I do want to know my old man. That's totally her idea. And I would 100% support that. But she would be going,

it's almost informational at that point. It's almost, I want to learn about myself. It's self-exploration more than it is some sort of cathartic healing relationship. Dad left her, man.

In every stage, he's left her. And when she quit, and here's the meta, when she quit performing for him, when she could perform for him, he was in. And when she could make him feel good about himself, she was in.

But he didn't have the capacity to make her feel loved and seen. And I hate that for everybody I'm sorry but for for all the oh gosh all the parents listening it's not your kid's job to make you feel loved I don't care how old they are it's your job it's your job to make them feel loved and if they don't text you the right way or they don't care how old they are. It's your job. It's your job to make them feel loved. And if they don't text you the right way or they don't call you the right way or they do call you, don't start off with passive aggressive.

Oh, so now you decide to just answer the phone and say, oh my gosh, everything in my day is better because I get to hear your voice. I'm so glad you called. And by the way, don't wait for your kids to call. Be an adult. Be a grownup. Be an adult. Be a grown-up. Be a parent.

You call. Let them tell you. Let them roll their eyes and you keep calling and keep calling because never let them think for a second. I don't have a safe place to go with him. I don't have a safe place to go with her. Golly. Breaks my heart, breaks my heart, breaks my heart.

Thanks for the call, call Sophia we'll be right back this show is sponsored by better help October is the season for wearing costumes and if you haven't started planning your costume seriously get on it I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body but whatever look it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

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You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Ashton in Jacksonville, Florida.

What's up, Ashton? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Thanks for taking in jacksonville florida what's up ashton hi dr john how are you good how are you good thanks for taking my call of course what's up i'm going today well i have almost like an iceberg of a question initially it's fairly simple but when it just goes into so many facets of my son in my life it just becomes more complicated sure go for it so a quick backstory i'm in my mid-30s i more complicated. Sure. Go for it. So a quick backstory. I'm in my mid-30s. I'm happily married to my husband, and we have two children together.

Our son was born about 10 and a half years ago, and he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. He is doing amazing. Wow, that's awesome. We were told originally his prognosis was he might never speak clearly. He might never walk without assistance. And he's overcome all those hurdles in these past 10 years. That's amazing. Congratulations.

It's so cool. Thank you. We know we are blessed. Absolutely. We have supportive family. We have supportive church members. But it feels almost as if we live in this in-between world. Because he's doing so well, a lot of people can't tell initially that he does have special needs. But he also does so well that he doesn't necessarily, I guess for lack of a better term,

fit in with children with special needs. So I'm just asking for some advice on how to help him navigate now that he's becoming a teenager soon. We don't want him necessarily to fit in, but have the confidence to know who he is and know that, wow, there are limitations. I mean,

it is a reality. So there's a, there's another side to this. He doesn't fit in with what we would traditionally think is as a classroom with full of children with special needs. But that means he also doesn't fit in with the kids running around playing PE or football or PE and running around and being a normal jumping up and down. So he's kind of finding himself in no man's land, right? Exactly.

And he started to realize this recently. He mentioned to me the other day that he was feeling a little bit lonely because, you know, the boys will run off to play tag. And he can't do that. But he can still play. Sure. So if it's okay with you, Kelly, the producer of the show, has very personal experience with this, a very similar situation with her son. And I would love to invite her on to her expertise, her lived expertise in this. Is that okay?

Absolutely. Can I just share one more little factor? Absolutely. You got it. Okay. So my husband is in the military, and he's gone a lot, like most military members. However, when he's gone, there's no contact while he's gone. There's no phone calls, no letters.

And so it's really just me for five, six months of the year. So that makes it a little bit more challenging in my opinion. Yes. I'm going to give you a meta picture that I'm going to unpack here, but I want Kelly to speak into some of the very specifics with your young one, okay? Okay. Okay. It sounds like there is a fight going on inside of you

between the way this should all look versus the way it does. And here's how that unpacks. Who wouldn't want to be married to a special ops guy who comes home and says, I'm going to save the world literally. Can't tell you where or when, but I'll be home. And that sounds so amazing. And then... Very romantic in a book. And that sounds so amazing. And then... Very romantic in a book.

That's what I mean. In the movie, when Chris Pratt flexes and it's like, I'm like, Chris Pratt's looking pretty good. I'm into it. And then all of a sudden,

he's gone. And there's also month four of Black Ops deployment. It's really lonely. And then there is the two kids running around and who wants to be having a conversation with their kid about what they can and can't do, right?

And you're so grateful that he's doing so good and he's beat every prognosis. And yet we still need to have this conversation because high schools, middle schools can be tough on a man. Right. You see what I'm saying? And so there's something to be said for the devastating. You have to grieve it at some point. Owning the reality. This is my picture. And from there, from the choice to own

reality out of that is, okay, here's what we can do. Here's the conversations we can have, the support networks I need, but I'm going to live out of this because if my body's still trying to solve for this picture that's not real, it's going to be hard. It's going to constantly feel like you're at war with yourself or it's that underlying, that burn of anxiety that never stops, that exhaustion, right? Because we're trying to make a life happen that just isn't our reality. So I'm going to bring Kelly on here. Kelly, tell your story about Nathan. Hey, Ashton, how are you? Hi, good. Good. So I am a few years down the road from you. I have a 17-year-old, and we adopted him when he was two. He has CP as well.

Where yours is right side of the body, ours is lower half of the body. He walks with a limp. We've had quite a few surgeries and years of therapy, which I'm sure you know that. Oh, we live at the therapist. Exactly. Yeah, it's like you might as well just move in with them. Yeah. A lot of physical therapy, some surgeries that were life-changing for us. And, but you know, it's still, it's the reality we live in. It's his reality. He still has a limp. There's still some things happening. There's still a lot of

things he can't do. So I understand where you're going with that. And so what you say, you, you talk about how he's starting to question that. Is he at the point where it's like, I want to play football. I want to do that. I want to do these things. Yes, it is. You know, I want to do some more things, but even more so it's, um, like in PE where, you you know he can participate to a certain point right and he doesn't want to be separated from his friends and i just i think so he actually is highly intelligent that was my next question so developmentally he's fine yes he has no emotional or intellectual delays he actually was skipped a grade. Wow.

Because he is so intelligent, which is wonderful. But now he's with even bigger kids. Right. I was about to say that. Yeah. It's a double-edged sword there. So let me ask both moms here. Kelly, is there a benefit to teaching him?

My wife calls it exceptionalities, that you've got some differences and I'm going to teach you how to begin to advocate for yourself both with your friends and with a PE teacher. And that's going to be conversations that you two moms will have that I won't have with my son. Right. But it's teaching him to own the reality, right? Right. We've always been very, very open about talking about the disabilities because I've got two kids with disabilities and about this is just, you know, your reality.

And we talk, we always say that the only thing this gets you is better, you know, parking at the front and better line, you know, front of line at Disney, which it doesn't even get you that anymore. They took that away. But, you know, this just gets you better parking. You still have to function in the world. But it does look different, and there's different ways you have to do things. Does he have an IEP?

No. We go to a small Christian school, Okay. And we chose that school because we can speak directly with the teachers. And every year we just have a document we sign with the school with certain exceptions for him that they will follow. Physical, yeah. lot and it's been my experience that often not every time but public schools because they have to they have to provide resources by law often small private schools will roll out of responsibilities or say well we just don't do that or we can't help with that when public schools absolutely 100% will because they have to by law they have to and one thing we found with very skilled workers, very skilled workers and other kids like him. Yes. So that is, that leans into the, he is doing so well. Um, we spent months, we even actually had to go through a legal process where

the city had said, you know, save these services for a child who really needs it. Oh my gosh. Wow. Wow. He's intellectually advanced. We're not looking for a legal battle. We're going to do what we need for our son. You need to reach out to Disability Rights

Jacksonville. Disability Rights Florida because that's their purpose is to fight nonsense, crap like that. I hate, God, I hate that.

Okay, let me get back to like, just, Okay, sorry, you're getting me all fired up. Yeah, I know,

that's where I want to go with that but with the issues you're dealing with, does he have a group of friends? Yes, at the school, he does have a group of friends. Good.

Those, especially those boys are going to become his lifeline. Mm-hmm. My son had the same group of friends from kindergarten and we moved in high school and you know he's dealt with that he's done it but we found out that the when I dug into those kids and you know they're how they how that group worked because I was I had always had that fear that are they getting left behind are they making fun of him my son falls a lot.

That's just who he is. He trips and he falls. And they just know they wait. Yeah, every day. It's part of their world. They just wait. They're like, it's just Nathan. It's what he does.

And so those group of boys, I started a lot of having those boys around, not just in school. We did things with those boys. It's who we did birthday parties with. It's who we had over because I knew they were going to, they will start to protect him from anyone else. Because for them, they're just like, no, it doesn't matter. It's just, you know, whatever your son's name is, it's just him. And they don't think anything different. And we started having to find, because my son did that, well, maybe I could play basketball. And you know in your heart, that's not going to happen.

You know, and so it's not going to work. Well, possibly that could work. What are some other options if you don't do that? And now my son plays e-sports, which is basically a glorified way to play video games. But it's where he's found his community. It's where he's found his people. And he loves it.

And so relying heavily on those boys and their families, getting to know their families. And there are jokes that my son will make about his disability with his friends that I will tell you make me cringe. But it's how he thinks they're funny. He's okay with it. And I always say, you know, you just make sure you're okay with it. Oh, I think it's hilarious because it's just who I am mom it's not I'm not hiding anything yeah my son's comedian too he yeah call his like if he can't pick something up he'll be like oh right he's not working today yeah and you know my son does some dj stuff and he wanted to be date be dj

crippled at one point I was like no we're not that. We're going to call a big no on that. But we've always with Nathan just kind of let him lead the conversation because let him lead how he wanted to do it, but put plenty of options. You know, here's the options. And if you want to play basketball, buddy, great. You never know. You might find that coach that will let him do it. But the way he sees a counselor, his counselor told me something that really helped. Let the S's of parents always be the yes. Let the coach or the whoever be the bad guy.

If you want to play basketball, bud, great. Let's talk to the coach. Or if you want to play football and then you get to hug them and hold them when they cry because you know it's not going to happen, but you're the one that says, great. I'm behind you if that's what you want to do. But then because you know it's not going to happen. But you're the one that says, great, I'm behind you if that's what you want to do. But then when you know it's not going to happen, all right, well, let's look at chess or acting or whatever.

But that you've – That was very helpful because I – my husband and I want to raise him as he's just a person. Right. He's James. You know, this isn't – it's a part of his life, but it's not his life. It's not who they are. It's just, you know, it's just like I have brown hair. And it's a part that sucks.

I always encourage him. And I wasn't sure now that if he's getting older, I should say no, because I've just been doing what you had recommended, giving other options and saying, okay, well, we'll see. But look into it. And as he got into middle school more, we had, well, why don't you go talk to the coach? Kind of making him do it a little more. And then when he was like, mom, he said, you know, that he doesn't think it'll work.

Okay, well, do you have any interest in being the manager? No. Okay, well then, you know what? When you cry, that's where I come in. And by the way, for parents that don't have kids with special needs, my sister is a savant. She's a brilliant.

She was on the academic decathlon team. My little brother missed like two questions on the ACT. And then there was me, the football player in the middle, right? So my parents had to have different conversations with me. Every kid is different. That's right. And so I think it's backing out of your expectations and dreams and wishes for this one

and saying, who is this human being before me? And what special contribution can this kid make to the world? And what limitations is this person going to have? And every kid is going to have them. Children with special needs are going to have more pronounced ones that we can all see. But it's – You can't clear every obstacle. Right.

You just can't because you're not – he's going to have to live a life. And you can just – we've told Nathan before, I can't clear this obstacle, but I'll help you figure out a way around it. Okay. And what can I do to help you? And if you need me to advocate for you, if you need whatever, I'll do it. But it's not just going to go away because it's just part of the world. They have to live in the world still. But yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. As a parent with a child's special needs, I've seen all sorts of children in a therapy to go to the doctors. And I see so many families who have it much more challenging and heartbreaking than us. And I struggle with feeling almost guilty using services sometimes. Stop. Stop with that. Get that out of here right now. Don't ever feel guilty. Bye, Felicia, with that. Yeah, that's done.

You cannot compare tragedy. Right. You can't compare pain. You can't compare individual circumstances. Your reality is your reality. There are plenty of services. You need them for... It's not some zero. Yeah, there's not just a

pie and this is all we get. There's only so many services. You have as much right to those services because you're advocating for your child. So yeah, you got to let that one go. Because we've gotten our child everything that had been recommended. It's just we've had to go through several locations to try

and find someone who would give it to us without us having to fight them. Right. And we live in a messy, ugly... And sometimes you will have to fight them. Yeah. And that's okay because there are services, I hate to use the word entitled, but that you have the right to, but don't ever feel guilty. And I mean, like there's times with, you know, like, hey, the handicap parking spot, there's one four down from that that we could take. And Nathan's like, I'm fine walking that, mom. I can do it. Okay, great. We'll do that, you know, and not take up that spot in case somebody needs it.

But yeah, you got to let that guilt go. Yes, there are, again, we don't compare tragedies. There's different versions. Everybody's fighting their own battle. So yeah, you're doing what you got to do for your boy. Okay. Smile, smile big, smile big. And for whatever it's worth, I've taught at the university level, at the highest level with doctoral students, and I've taught law students.

So I've been in across the board here, right? Or I wouldn't say I taught law students, served law students. The opportunities for your child are going to look different, but the world is open for them, right? And so let that little boy be who he's going to be and be the fuel in his jet pack, not the GPS system telling him where he's going to go. Does that make sense? Yes. Yeah. Two other things.

Hold on. I want to say real quick. Not a bad idea maybe to start a counselor. We started a counselor with our son about maybe 12, 10, 12, because there's going to be some anger issues. And there's going to be some things he doesn't want to talk to you about. We actually just started counseling for him. That is a great thing. I wanted to find a man who could be there for him.

That's what we did, and it was great. And Nathan's 17, and he still goes once a month, and he loves it. So that's a great thing to put in place. And then learn to be the sounding board when he comes home and says, mom, it really sucked today because they played basketball and I couldn't do it. You can't fix that. Remember that you can't fix it, but you can sit there and go, wow, that must've really hurt. Tell me, tell me about it. Can I hug you? Yeah. You want to hug or, you know, whatever you can't fix them all. And sometimes you just have to sit there and go, I'm sorry.

Yeah, bud, I'm sorry. That really does suck. And can I challenge you and husband? Yes. This is easier for me to say because it just doesn't apply to me at this moment in my life. I would love to challenge your husband to every week he's home, write a letter and put it in an envelope that's undated

so that every week he's gone, your two kids get a letter from dad telling him how much he loves them and how special they are, how an exciting memory he might have that he could share a piece of or something, but that they are getting something, some sort of communication, some sort of reach out. And five years from now, 10 years from now,

25 years from now, the effort, the kids will understand what links their dad went to to make them feel special and seen and loved even when he was out fighting evil in the dark.

I think that'd be a cool thing. That's a great idea. We're definitely going to implement that. That won't be fun for him, I know, but I think the gift downstream to your kids

would be magical. But all in all, kelly thank you so much for your wisdom and insight there uh thank you for being a great mom ashton thank you for being a great mom and congrats to your son for just continuing to defy the odds um i love the idea of every parent sitting back and asking themselves not what can I make my kid do What what what is my kid capable of? Who is this person in front of me? What are they into? What do they love? What are the things we need to rally around them, right?

So if your kid is all into theater and choir, that's incredible You're gonna be helped with with movement with I think I want you to play soccer I want you to we're gonna go outside and go for walks together because movement's important. And if your kid is just jock 2000, let's go crush him. Cool. I want you to take a piano or violin too.

Like it's our job to round out our kids, but it's not our job to say you will end up here. I'm telling you, can't count the conversations. Lots of them. Kids in their fourth year of grad school are finishing up a PhD or finishing up an undergrad degree

saying, I absolutely hate my life. And I'm only doing this because mom and dad said, this is what you're right. They forced me into a path. Moms and dads just love our kids. And Ashton just setting a great example for her little one. Thank you so much for the call, Ashton. We wish you guys the best. Holler at us if I can ever help. And thank you and your husband for your service. And for all those that are out on ops that none of us know about, except for the husbands and wives sitting at home with their jaw clenched,

we're grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Charlie in Kansas City, Missouri. What is up, Charlie? Hey, John, how's it going? Partying, man. What are you up to? Oh, just working.

Very cool, dude. What's up? So it's kind of? Partying, man. What are you up to? Oh, just working. Very cool, dude. What's up? So it's kind of a complicated question, but also not, you know, doesn't seem like a huge deal, but it's really been bothering me. Okay. Bring it on. So recently I just got engaged to my fiance and her parents have generously gifted us 10 acres to build a house on. Is that 10 acres connected to a family place?

So yeah, there's 30, I mean, it's 40 total, but no one lives here. So, but it's theirs. Yes. So, you know, they've just used it recreationally over the past you know whenever they bought it 20 years ago um and you know didn't do much upkeep just hired a farmer to farm the fields and then you know rode four-wheelers or dirt bikes or whatever um so over the past you know year and a half two years we spent a lot of time and money. Talk directly into your phone, Charlie.

There you go. Is it better? Much better, yeah. Okay, so over the past year and a half, two years, we spent a lot of time and money fixing it up, putting in a road, building basically the utilities for it so that it's usable. Are you all already living together? Yes. I was wondering why you were fixing up your girlfriend's parents' place. We've been dating for a very long time. We should have been engaged probably before we did, but that's

besides the point. It took me a while to get around to it. The problem we did, but that's besides the point. Um, took me a while to get around to it. Um, so the problem comes with my fiance's dad and it's not that big of a problem. And he's a wonderful guy to be around except for when it comes to working out at this, you know, this place we're building a house. Um, I, I have very high standards, um, you know, with my stuff. I like to keep it nice and keep it looking good. And it seems like every time, um, he comes out here to help, uh, you know, things get ruined, you know, roads get trashed, you know know stuff gets mowed that shouldn't be mowed um you know that type of stuff and i you know it makes me angry so you know kind of like you say in your your podcast when you get angry walk away and i try and do that you know so that way i don't you know i don't know the right word for it, but it, how much of the frustration here of your anger is because you're not clear. You have a vision for this place and then he comes to help.

So I, when I moved to my new place out here, I live on some acres out here. I mowed my neighbors. I live next to an elderly neighbor. I mowed their field for them it took me four hours i was trying to be a good neighbor show this new person how great and i mowed their hayfield down like yeah i i totally screwed up dude i i say my wife came home and she's like she grew up out and on acreage too and she's like what have you done and i was like i'm a great neighbor and she's like no no you're not but i I was like, I'm a great neighbor. And she was like, no, you're not. But I didn't know. I didn't know.

So is there a clarity issue or is he just like a good loving disaster? And that's part of it. Whenever we bring something up, you know, he apologizes and says he won't do it again. And then the next time he's out here, something happens. So at what point do you quit inviting him out? But the thing is, you know, it's his place as well time he's out here something happens so at what point do you quit inviting him out but the thing is you know it's his place as well that's the problem but he's doing it all out of the goodness of his heart you know um so it's it's i don't know how to here's the here's the magic line you got to choose guilt over resentment because you're going to get dangerously close to getting

sick of the side of this guy well i that's the thing i mean he's wonderful to be around elsewhere i love seeing him but then when he comes out here it's like oh no yes and so choosing guilt over resentment meaning i'm gonna have to choose the guilt I'm going to feel by telling him, hey, I want to learn how to do all this stuff. And so I'm asking you to not help with this property anymore. With the fencing we want to build, with the house clearing, with the field clearing, whatever's going on, I want to do this work myself, or I want to go through the bid process. And I'm so grateful for your heart, but I want to do this. And you're going to feel really guilty and he might feel hurt. And he might even say, I just gave you 10 acres. You can't tell me what to...

And then the other option you have is, I'm not going to take 10 acres adjacent to family farms because they're always going to think it's kind of ours. Yeah. Or I'm going to buy the whole thing. I'll buy all 40 acres from going to think it's kind of ours. Yeah. Or I'm going to buy the whole thing. I'll buy all 40 acres from you, and it's just mine. Yeah. Well, and that's what, I mean, we kind of talked about. But, I mean, that's the thing.

They say, you know, we can do with it exactly how we want. You know, we've maintained all of it. We mow all of it. We, you know, do all the stuff for all of it. We mow all of it. We, you know, do all the stuff for all of it. And then, you don't have any kids. No,

not yet. When you, when you'll have kids, you'll realize, Oh, that's not what they, that's not what they mean. Yeah.

Like, of course you can do whatever you want to with it, except not really. Cause it's kind of still mine. Cause I gave it to you. So what is your, what does your fiance think about this? She thinks you're being ridiculous.

No, she agrees. Um, why won't she talk to, why won't she tell her dad? Hey dad, would you stop doing this? Well,

there's communication problems there. Correct. So, um, uh, here's what's about to happen. If it hasn't already, you're going to start getting your frustration at him is going to start

bleeding off on her. No, that is not the case. I happen if it hasn't already. You're going to start getting... Your frustration at him is going to start bleeding off on her. That is not the case. It's not there, but I'm telling you it's coming. I'm telling you it's coming. So how do I... I mean, it's not necessarily my place to tell him what to do. So how do we go about this? it's not necessarily my place to, you know, tell him what to do. So like, how, how do we go about this?

I mean, it's your place to say, Hey, please stop coming on my property. Um, I mean, it is your place unless he gave it to her and it's not technically yours yet. Um,

well, and, and she agrees that we don't, we want them to come out and have fun, ride their bikes, whatever. Just please stop working. Stop. Have you ever sat down with a, I don't know, like a piece of graph paper or a map and said, here's our dream for this. And here's what we want to do.

And here's what we're not going to do anymore. You ever done that? What do you mean? Meaning, have you ever sat down with him and said, hey, these 10 acres, here's what our plan is. We're going to put a pond over here. We're going to have grazing over here. We want to raise chickens over here.

And so we're not going to mow this area at all anymore. This area over here, I want to hire a company to come in and do some professional pond work. I know you can probably do that. I could probably do that, but I want to hire this out and I want to learn how the GC process works, how the general contracting process works and what it's like to do it. I want to learn all this stuff. It's going to cost money. It's going to take time, but I want to learn how to do it.

Over here, I'm building a chicken coop. If you could help me with that, that would be amazing, right? And so what you're doing is clear as kind. You're being very direct on. And then if he goes and mows a field down that you've sat down and that, that would be amazing. Right. And so what you're doing is clear as kind, you're being very direct on. And then if he goes and mows a field down that you've sat down and said, Hey, we're preserving this. Then you can say, Hey man, we talked about this. Then it's a violation right now. It's just a guy trying to help. And it's like, Hey, I got it, dude.

He doesn't know what I got it means and he sees that you're busy and he, he wants to be a good father-in-law. You see what I'm saying? He just kind of gets messy because there's no clarity yeah so sit down and tell him how we actually feel well and i think i think it's before how you actually feel i think it's here's what our our intention is with this 10 acres here's our plan and here's how i want to see this thing play out here's how me and my, my fiance, it soon to be wife plan on doing this stuff. And then it's just,

it's just very clear for him. You don't have to sit him down and be like, and I'm really pissed off that you did it like this and like this. It's less about that. And more about here's our intentions for this. If he violates those, basically what you're doing is you're giving him boundaries. If he violates those boundaries, now we've got another conversation.

See, but that's kind of, I mean, we've already, every time something happens, we conversation. See, but that's kind of, I mean, we've already, every time something happens, we ask him to not do that. And, you know, something else happens. That's what I mean. So is he doing the same thing over and over?

I mean, not really. It's, but it's just. Give me an example of something he's just blown. We planted a bunch of trees and you know, they got bush hogged down, but they're not like they're five foot trees, you know, how can you miss those? Or, you know, uh, we've installed a, you know, hat or a quarter mile road. Um, and then he goes and drives a, you know, a big skid loader on it and tears it up,

you know, ruts it up and all kinds of stuff by not, you know, by going too fast or, or, you know, turning too quickly, which, you know, it takes me 15 minutes to go over there and smooth it back out. It's not a huge deal, but it's, it's, it, it's just the premise of it. I don't go over to their house and run up their yard. Right. And so what you just gave me is also, um, I hesitate to, but I call that a character issue. I had somebody come and absolutely trashed my yard recently. A vendor came and just rutted it up. And they wrote me a check for it. Because they

were taking care of their business. It tells me if he's going to come put huge divots and not realize that he's just completely rutted up your field or rutted up your driveway and he doesn't say, hey man, I'm going to take care of that. I'm going to come get it fixed up. That's a character issue. That's a sit down

and say, hey man, when you came over and trashed this, it really made this difficult. This, that was hard. That was hard for us. I don't have time to come back and fix this stuff up. I'm really grateful for your help, but ultimately here's the deal. You're trying to piecemeal this. What about this? What about this? What about this? And in your head, how in the world can you go bush hog down five foot trees? That's insane. I'll tell you, it's just a city guy. I mean, it sounds insane, but I can see myself doing that, just trying to be really helpful. So it's really helpful for a guy like me who loves to help, who loves being outside to have some clarity over what's right and what's not. That's number one, being super clear.

The second thing is being direct, choosing guilt over resentment. I want to be the person who does this, so would you please stop mowing my yard at all? Please don't do any bush hogging on the yard. Please don't be on the driveway that we just had redone. I'm working. Here's my picture. Here's what I'm trying to do here. And he might get his feelings hurt.

He might feel guilty. But if you feel comfortable saying, hey, this happened and this happened and this happened, here's what I want to do here. And he might get his feelings hurt. He might feel guilty. But if you feel comfortable saying, hey, this happened and this happened and this happened, here's what I want to do. I just want to stop all the work on the place. And I want me and fiance to work on it. And it might also be really important for her, since you're not even married yet, for her to sit down with her dad and say, hey, dad, we want to do this thing together. Just us two, just grind it out ourselves. We need you to stop doing work on the place. And we want to own what happens from here. If you want to have a contest to see whose acreage looks nicer, cool, we can do that. But

otherwise, I'm telling you, it might not be bleeding over now, but you're going to start getting frustrated with your wife because it's her dad. And you're going to start getting frustrated with yourself because the clarity or this, that choose guilt over resentment every single time. And dude, none of this is easy. I want you to hear me say this is easy at all. I got a great father and I love talking to him. He's a great guy just at my house. This would be a hard, I'm just imagining, this would be a hard conversation for me to have with him. Anybody try to help, But I still have to have the conversation. Still have to. Still have to make it happen.

Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show from the great Tom Petty, the song is I Won't Back Down. It goes like this. I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down. I'll stand my ground. I won't be turned around.

I'll keep this world from dragging me down. I'm going to stand my ground. Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out. I'm going to stand my ground ground and I won't back down. The great Tom Petty. Love you guys. See you soon.