The Dr. John Delony Show - Don’t Let Holiday Anxiety Ruin Your Christmas!

Episode Date: December 7, 2022

Today, we hear: - John answering your top questions regarding the holidays, family and how to survive - A woman who suspects her father-in-law is verbally and physically abusive - A husband desperate to reconnect with his spouse after their romance has totally dissolved Lyrics of the Day: "The Little Drummer Boy" - Pentatonix Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My mother and father-in-law have been married for over 50 years. They just kind of appear to have it all. This, however, is not the same behind closed doors. And then a couple weeks ago, they came over and I saw she had a huge bruise that was like a band around her arm right above her elbow. You have to do something, okay? So that ship has sailed.

What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. And I hope you're having a great week. Hope your day's good. Hope you woke up and it's chilly. And it's beautiful.

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Let's go to... Nope. There's nobody on the board. Nope. There is not. Because it's time for your favorite thing, lightning round. For those that don't know Hold on, it's such like leather pants Like foot up on the monitor Just like thrusting rock jams

Yes Good gosh Who? Is that your music, Joe? That was Ben's Incredible Incredible All right, cool

All right So for those that don't know This is where we have 10 questions That John has not seen. And I will ask him the question, and he has one minute to give us a brief answer. And then we move on to the next one. And this is your favorite. They are because you don't know.

And I can't say my name in a minute. So this is fun for everybody. So this is one of my favorite things that we do, which is why we do it more often now. All right, let's dance. All right, so this one is on all of these questions are around holiday anxiety that our listeners sent in when we asked, you know, what are your issues around holidays? And these are the 10 that we picked. Okay. All right.

Let's sing and dance. Question number one. Do I have to buy my friends gifts at Christmas? I can't afford it, but I don't want to look like a cheapskate. No. You will only feel anxious if you, let me say it this way. You're going to feel anxious either way. You're only going to poison your relationships if you do something that you can't otherwise afford

that is going to put you in a less safe position. So here's the right way. You're feeling anxious about it. I don't want to feel like a cheapskate. Cool. Go directly through that storm. Let your friends know, hey guys, this is a tough year financially for me. So I'm not doing gifts this year. I'm going to do whatever. I'm going to write you all a song. I am going to sing your favorite song and record it. And y'all, we're all going to watch it together. Whatever cheesy, I don't care whatever's coming up. I'm going to write you a letter and let you know how much I love you. Um, but this year I can't do gifts and let it be choose guilt over

resentment. Choose the guilt of not having a gift over the resentment of buying stuff, putting on a credit card that you can't afford. And it's going to cost you hell to pay weeks and months down the road. Look at that slid in there. Awesome. All right. How do you do holidays with your family and in-laws when everyone lives in the same city? How do I live without you? Nope. Time started already.

Here's what you do. Direct, clear, wonderful boundaries. Very strict. Hey, on Christmas morning, we're going to do until until two o'clock just our family just us no one else is going to come over we're not going to go anywhere we're just going to have our own little time together we're going to have breakfast we're going to get up we're going to open presents on our own and then we will go about whatever um what nights are we going to

get together be very specific put it on a calendar and hold everybody to it. Let everybody know, hey, don't just, we're not just gonna have showing up at our house. We're gonna make sure the kids are still going through their sleep routine. We're still gonna have bedtimes. We're not gonna just poison our kids with all the sugar. We're just gonna leave that to a couple of days. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

And I have found in my personal life and with those I work with, clarity on the front end saves decades of heartache on the back end. Awesome. All right. How do I have conversations with my family at the holidays when we are politically divided? Don't, don't say this magic phrase. We are not talking about politics. And if anyone starts talking about politics, I will say, I don't want to talk about politics. And if anyone starts talking about politics, I will say, I don't want to talk about politics. And if they continue, you are asking me to leave and I will be happy to oblige you. End of statement. In my house, we all have different political beliefs, some radically

different than others, and it makes for a fun sport and it makes for awful holiday time. So every year we send out a note, an just a reminder no politics and so we can all go back point back to the email when somebody's like well you know what's happening and hey uh-uh we're not doing that we already set the boundaries no politics all right all right and hey somebody turned the news on no no no no news Why would you do that? Why would you choose to be like You know what? I'm just going to take crap in the middle of the living room

Don't do that No news No news All right We are just flying through these Look at you When I see my family at the holidays How do I feel the intrusive questions like

When are you going to find a husband? Oh boy Directly When are you going to find a husband? Oh, boy. Directly, right on the nose. If somebody has the nerve to walk up to me like, so when are you going to find a husband? I would just say when a husband finds me or when one shows up or I don't know, how's your marriage going? It doesn't look too great.

Like just slap it up, flip it and reverse it. But those, here's the deal. Most people who ask those intrusive questions are trying to show you that they love you and just trying to invite you into something. Maybe you didn't, maybe you didn't realize how great it is being married. And you thought just being lonely and single was so wonderful, they might be trying to help. So I'm going to let that roll off my back. And if they keep doing it, say, hey, I'm not really interested in talking about my dating failures right now, or I'm not interested in talking about how much I love being single right now.

Let's talk about other stuff. All right. The next one is a two-parter. When is it acceptable to start listening to Christmas music? And then what is the worst Christmas song ever? Oh my gosh. What a great question. I think it is morally and should be legally. What's the right word? I think it's immoral and it should be illegal. Let me say it that way. To listen to Christmas music before the Friday after Thanksgiving. I know some people who

hate babies and hate love and joy start on November 1 and those people should be removed from society. They should be removed from society. And no question, the worst Christmas song, Jenna's like dying in there because she listens to Christmas music year round. I used to have a buddy that I worked with named Kevin Claypool. And Kevin, I love it. He listened to Christmas music all the time. He loved it. He loved it. He loved it. He loved it, man. And I loved how much he loved it. I just think it's immoral. And the worst Christmas song ever, by far,

Little Drummer Boy. If somebody starts playing Little Drummer Boy, no, no, no. That's all I'm going to say about that. Can I just say real quick? Here we go. It brings me joy.

So if I want Christmas joy on November 1st, dang it, I'm going to have Christmas joy on November 1st. I just think you should going to have Christmas joy on November 1st. I just think you should find joy in other things that are more profitable for humanity. That's all. That's all.

What about you? When do you start listening to it? Not until after Thanksgiving. Because you're a human. Yeah. And you care about America. Joe, when do you start? Well, I guess around Thanksgiving.

I'm old school. I i appreciate that and you're wearing an alabama hat and i usually wouldn't take your opinion seriously but i do now because our opinions align that's because i'm humble all right on to the next on to the next how do we do santa with our kids while still teaching them that jesus's birth is the. I think that's just a false dichotomy. It's not an either or. Santa is a fun, and I get this a lot, like you tell us, say, don't lie to your kids, but it's telling them about Santa light. No, it's participating in fun. Like that's like jumping out and wearing a costume and scary, like having fun, like boo, gotcha. It's part of a cultural story. It's part of a cultural myth that we're all a part of. And some people consider the Jesus story that too, right? If you fully believe in the

Jesus story, that has a sense of reverence, a sense of worship, a sense of awe and wonder. The Santa, that's just fun. It's just having fun. And people are like, my kid finds out they're going to think I'm a liar. No, they're not. They're going to know that you participated in a fun, like, man, we were enjoying your childhood as much as possible. So I would hold, they're not an either or proposition. Like the birth of Jesus in your home, if that means the world to you, it's important to my house. If it means the world to you, great. Have some reverence around it and do Christmas, talk about Santa Claus, do the whole nine yards. Have fun with it. Awesome.

What is the best way to approach the first holiday season after a loved one has passed away? Oh, that's good. I really believe in getting upstream as much as possible with that one. Ask your family members, how do we want to best honor so-and-so during the holidays? Usually people don't have that conversation. And so there's a big gap and everybody feels that gap. This elephant just walks in the living room and parks right in the middle of the living room. And it just adds, it's like a tractor beam for all the joy in the room. It just sucks it out of the room. So send an email around to everybody.

Hey, grandma died. Hey, dad passed away. This is our first Christmas without dad. I would like all of us to write down on a piece of paper our favorite memory of dad and Christmas, and we're all going to go around the room and read it. And we might all weep. We might all bust a gut laughing.

We might get really silent, but you're not going to avoid that weight, that grief, that missing him by ignoring it, by pretending she didn't exist. So get upstream, ask everybody how we want to honor this person, what we're going to do, and then everybody participate in it. And my promise to you is you'll feel it, you'll feel it, but it will also add a sense of connectivity to the entire gathering. Awesome. All right. I don't want to spend the holidays with my family.

How do I tell them without feeling guilty? And then how do I tell my kids? You probably can't your first time around. Do it without feeling guilty. Maybe your second, third third or fourth time. And Dave Ramsey, my buddy likes to say, uh, parents are often, uh, travel agents for guilt trips, right? So you might say it and they're like, Oh, I'm going to make you feel guilty. I'm just going to beat you. That's just part of, of putting up boundaries is often, often is feeling guilty. So get over that

part. Um, and what was the second part of that? So how do you tell your family and then how do you tell your kids that we're not going to be seeing? You know, what we told our family this year was I'm coming off a wild travel season. We are still adjusting to having a middle schooler and now a first grader and the new year, like heading into the new year is going to be wild. And I've got a book deadline, which makes me wholly unfun to be around. And so this particular Christmas, we're not gonna be traveling. We're gonna stay at home.

And we're not gonna have people staying at our house this year. And so I was just pretty direct. But really the problem, the issues, if you will, they're all me centric. I'm not gonna be a good host this year because I've got so much going on and I want to be a good steward of my time and my family and my rest. And that means that the best way I can love you is by telling you this isn't a great year.

And by the way, all my family went, oh, thank God. That'd be so great to have a year off. And so everybody was glad that I put the boundary out there. Why are family and holiday traditions important for kids? Oh, that's such a great question. We live in a culture that has pulled the string on every tradition. We have this idea that if it's not innovative and new, it's somehow a relic and it's trash. And we are paying the price culturally for unwinding all of our cultural narratives that bind us together. There's some that need to go,

some filled with hate and evil. Those got to go. But throwing everything out is no bueno because it leaves you anchorless with your family, with your community, with your traditions. And so giving kids anchor points, giving them memory points, if you will, core memories, right, from the movie Inside Out, giving them those moments. Every year, as rando as it is, I make sure that one of my kids, I pick them up and we put the star on top of the tree. It's a tradition. My mom and my son watch some movie. I forgot what it is. They watch the movie every year. They don't even like the movie anymore, but my son's like, it's tradition. It's what we do. And it just becomes this anchor point and it becomes a story he's going to tell at her funeral, right? The star thing is going to be a core memory that my kids remember. Dad trying to pick up his humongous

13-year-old son and wield him over, not knock the whole tree over. Those make important memories. And so give your kids the gift of tradition. Give your kids the gift of recurring memories and recurring actions that they can anchor to as they move on through their life. Last one, and this is kind of connected to that one. What's your favorite Christmas tradition from your childhood? Man, I just, all my family,

very similar to an earlier question, we all lived in the same city and we all lived in Houston, except for my Aunt Jane and my Uncle Tom, they, good hours. I loved it. That was my favorite. And even into college and into when I was married for the first decade or so, we never missed it. We always went back. And then I talked about this on a previous show,

but the punk rock show, Third Foot Fall, every Christmas we went, me and one or two of my buddies, and then turned into my wife came with me. But that was just a fun gathering of people. Many people who that was their Christmas celebration. And it was fun to get there and just cut loose and sing some songs and be a little rowdy, be a little crass and go home and plan for the new year. That's it. Awesome.

Good job, man. You nailed it. I wish all these were this. This is not easy, but this simple. Yeah, you You nailed this one. I wish all these were this easy. This, not easy, but this simple. Yeah, you really nailed this one. I feel like my mom could have sent most of these in. Maybe she did. She probably did.

She doesn't listen to this show, so that's all good. None of my family does. All right, that's fantastic. All right, hey. That was a lightning round? That was a lightning round. We'll be right back. All right, we are back.

Let's go to Maddie in Omaha. What's up, Maddie? Hi, Mr. Delaney. Thank you for taking my call. You got it. What's up? Okay, if you don't mind, I wrote everything down because I didn't want to mess this up. So good.

I appreciate you doing that because I should probably do that more. All right, go for it. I can interrupt if you need to. Okay, so my mother and father-in-law have been married for over 50 years. They're in their 70s. If you ask anyone, they'd tell you that they're just

the nicest people you'll ever meet. Always smiling, working hard. They had four kids and now loads of grandkids. They just kind of appear to have it all. This, however, is not the same behind closed doors. I don't know the extent of it, but I fear that it gets pretty bad. And I don't want to be right, but I don't want to stir the pot if I'm wrong.

Since marrying my husband 20 years ago, their son, my mother-in-law has tried to run away, driving several states away, even getting a different phone. She has also tried to end her life, but was found in time and taken to the hospital. Nobody outside of the immediate family knows about that. I overheard him yelling at her one time when he didn't know that I was in the house. And she was silent the entire time. And as soon as he saw me, he stopped. A couple years ago, I noticed she had bruising around her eye that she tried to cover up with makeup.

And when I asked her about it, she gave a strange explanation, but I just thought, well, it must be possible. So I let it go. Um, and then a couple of weeks ago, they came over and I saw she had a huge bruise that was like a band around her arm, right above her elbow. And it looked like she tried to cover it up with makeup. And I asked her about what happened and she got really flustered as if she was like searching for an answer. And she just said she fell and that she bruises easily, but it didn't make sense because it was a band around her arm. Um, my question and questions are what if I'm wrong? And what if I'm not? And if I'm not wrong, but I say something and she doesn't want to do anything about it, they've been married for 50 years, you know, that like, I just don't, I don't know the steps to take. Yeah. Thank you for, thank you for being brave and, and, um, writing all that out. You know, it's hard to put down on paper because

you look at it and all of a sudden your heart starts beating. Like I got to do something right. Um, my, my big first question is, well, let me just say this. You have to do something. Okay. So that ship has sailed and now we're going to figure out what that is um your husband lived with this he knows why is he avoidant or doesn't want to get involved i've brought it up several times and i feel like they kind of try to keep everything seeming that perfect, happy life, even for their kids and grandkids. And so I think he just fears messing all that up. So his mom's about to be dead. Right.

Like, so this little fear of, I just don't want to ruffle feathers. Moms, you're about to go to a funeral. Right. That was wholly preventable that's what i fear and so i look at these things behavior is a language so when somebody's running away somebody thinks in their mind i would rather not be here at all than be in this that is somebody yelling as loud as they can, but without the words help. Right. And I'm disappointed in, in their kids

and somebody has got to do some, someone's got to step up somehow. Okay. As far as, um, three of their kids don't live anywhere near. Yeah, but they know. They grew up in this house. This doesn't just happen. That's what I wonder, but yeah, I don't know if things changed after everyone moved out or... Okay, let me ask you this.

Was your father-in-law rough on your husband growing up? He was strict and ruled with an iron hand, but he didn't, he wasn't that physically abusive. Like my husband can point out one time that his dad did something. What about the, has your husband ever told you about times he hit mom? No, never. That's why why that's why it's confusing to me it's because i i always thought well they would know something and but i mean usually it was just a bunch of yelling and but he never really mentioned physical stuff which is why i

fear that i'm maybe i'm wrong in reading into things so here's my philosophy as always. And my philosophy is very biased because I've been on the other side of this and I've been wrong. So when it comes to perceptions of abuse, it comes to perceptions of suicidal ideation. I have made the choice in my life that I'm going to err on the side of asking too many questions and turning on too many lights than not doing enough. Okay. That's just the choice I've made. You don't have to make that same choice. What I would do if I'm in your situation is I would tell my husband, I have seen bruises on, under her eyes. I've seen bruises on her body that she's trying to cover up. And when I ask her about it as a woman, I know she's not telling me the truth. I know she's covering for somebody. And so I'm going to ask her directly, are you safe?

And I would, y'all live in the same town? Yes. Me and my husband live in the same town as them. Okay. I would take her to breakfast or i'd take her to lunch and i would say i'm gonna be very direct with you because i love you and i consider you a mom almost as close as my real mom and i have a woman's intuition that you're not okay you tried to run away You tried to die by suicide. You've got bruises when you come over to my house that you're covering up. Are you safe?

Are you okay? Okay. And you are very, very right. She might say, I'm 50 years in. That's just him. If I just was quieter, then he wouldn't get so angry. That's how those, she's a grownup. She can make that choice.

At some point it becomes elder abuse. And I know there's some different power hierarchies and yada, yada, yada. If somebody is unable to take care of themselves and they're being abused, I'm going to let somebody know. And at the end of the day, this might end with you calling the police. If you tell her, hey, the next time I see bruises on you, I'm calling somebody. Okay. Right? And it might be you call for a welfare check, and she lies to the police officer. She lies to the social worker, and she does that.

But at least you will have sent a message to everybody involved is, I'm watching, and I love you seemingly more than anybody else in this, in this fear. And also, also be open to being completely wrong. Okay. Okay. She might tell you,

no, I, I, I know how this looks and it's not what you think it is. Okay. Um, but your guts tell you something's up, don't they? Yes, absolutely.

Okay. I don't know if I've brought other siblings into it or I've spoken to my husband, but I haven't talked with any of his siblings. No, I would make this a very personal woman-to-woman conversation.

I've had conversations with grown men before. No, I would make this a very personal woman-to-woman conversation. Okay. I've had conversations with grown men before where we've just gone out to lunch or gone to grab a drink or something. And I've said, hey, this isn't technically my business, but I'm choosing to insert myself into this. If you talk to so-and-so again like that we're gonna have a problem or i'm not gonna bring me and my kids and my family around this i love you and i like being your friend like hanging out you can't talk to women like that not in my presence not in presence of my kids and if this goes down she's welcome to come stay with me you or not I've had that conversation a few times and it hasn't been awkward because a I had a relationship with these folks and I wasn't Trying to like be like, yeah, bro. We're gonna fight out in the park. I had nothing to do with that

Just had to do with hey, this is right and i've had people do that for me Right, like hey john, like what you're doing right now is not right. It's not who you want to be It's not who you say you are As our friend group, it's not who uh, we've what you're doing right now is not right. It's not who you want to be. It's not who you say you are. As our friend group, it's not who we've agreed we're going to be. This needs to stop now. Does that make sense? So I've had people reach out and tell me they love me in that way.

And so that's all you're doing here. It's a private conversation. And so if I have this discussion with her and she kind of just laughs it off, I kind of picture kind of picture her doing like, is that pretty much, that's all I could do. And I back off. No, I think, I think you let her know. Um, I understand this is scary. And if you've lived with this for a long, long time, um, I, I, I understand how big of a deal this is. I need you to hear me say, if I see bruises on you again, I'm going to call somebody.

Okay. If you want me to go with you to make a report, if you want me to go with you to sit down and tell your husband you're no longer allowed to hit me anymore, I'll go with you. Your husband,

her son will come with us too. So it's the after after it's the, I see what's going on here. I love you. I'm with you. And here's what I'm going to do next. Okay. That makes sense.

Yes, absolutely. And she might not be able to tell you when it happens again, but she might show up. If she knows you're going to call, she might show up that very next morning after she gets hit the next time and let you see that bruise and that's her screaming help with words she doesn't know how to say that make sense yes absolutely um that phone call to the police is not a He's beating her up whatever it is

Hey, i've got concerns and I feel like I would sleep i'm gonna sleep better knowing that I made the call And that I reached out on behalf of somebody that I care about. Um My mother-in-law keeps coming to the house with bruises. I've been in the house where there's a rage screaming. Um I'm fearful that she's being abused. I've talked to her about it. She said, no, no, it's okay. Something's not right. I would like y'all to do a welfare check on her.

That's how it goes. And that way, I'm not throwing grenades at him. I'm not, this is purely on me. This is what I'm seeing. This is what I'm feeling. And my intuition says something frightening is going on. And by the way, let's remember this. Intuition is simply your body remembering what it has seen before.

Have you seen this before? Yes. Yep. That's what intuition is. Okay. Well, I appreciate it because I just felt lost. I felt like I was supposed to go with my husband

but when he didn't really when he kind of brushed it off I didn't really know where to go from there so yeah

and it it may be that he truly doesn't know it may be that he didn't really take you seriously he may be he may know

oh oh Maddie if we open this if we open this box it's World War III and I would continue to remember y'all are about to go to a funeral Oh, Maddie, if we open this box, it's World War III. And I would continue to remember, y'all are about to go to a funeral. Okay. All right.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you so much for caring and loving those in your community. And to everybody listening who's going like, oh, my gosh, she needs to mind her own business, whatever. Look around. Look around. Look around. This is the culture we've got with that kind of attitude.

If somebody thinks I'm beating up my wife, I hope to God they will step in front of me and call me on it. There's a great story that we did a few, um, man, it's maybe six or seven months ago. It was a great story where, um, a guy was walking into a grocery store and his was carrying his daughter over his back and she was kicking and screaming and hollering or no carrying him out of a store. And she was kicking and screaming and a man walking into the store in the parking lot stopped and said, honey, are you okay? Are you safe? And she's like, no, no. Turns out, I don't remember what the exact, like she wanted to buy something in the store

and she threw a temper tantrum and dad's like, we're getting out of here. But that dad who was carrying his daughter out said, thank God somebody in the parking lot stopped and saw a screaming kid to make sure everything was okay. That's the community that we need with one another, man. We're not being involved not, not being involved, like not being involved, putting our heads down and walking. It's not helping, man. It's not helping. And I don't want a whole bunch of people going to a funeral that was, they don't need to

be going to. Step up, step up, have the hard conversation. Your community needs you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to— Hey, before you move on, I have a question. In that last call, you said, intuition is your body remembering what it's seen before. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah, we often, you hear me talk about alarm systems,

like our body puts GPS pins in things that it remembers and it sees, and then it sets the alarm off later. That's intuition. And we often think intuition's like this mystical space cadet-y thing it's like oh i'm in touch with my spiritual it might be but more than likely your body has seen that before and so it's responding to something it's seen before it's that's why i told her, you got to say something and be, be open to being wrong. Because sometimes that GPS system, every guy with dark hair is not scary. Right. And every time he comes in here, I just feel a sense of not good. It's important to look at, answer those feelings to feel them and then demand evidence from them. is this true, right? But intuition is simply your body saying, I remember this, this is not okay. And it starts swelling up the anxiety, it starts swelling up the heart rate,

it starts that discomfort. It's when I go into a place and my wife says, we need to go right now. I used to just laugh and roll my eyes. And now I've learned, like, her body has seen this story before, it's time to go. And it might be that you're about to be an idiot and say something stupid or you're going to get in a fight. You're going to do something dumb. It's time to go. Yeah. So does that ring true in your life? Oh, definitely.

Yeah? Yeah. Because I always think of that women's intuition. Could it also be something maybe not that we've seen before but you've read about, heard about? Well, and that's the problem with media. That is, it puts stories into our bodies and our bodies often can't distinguish whether you listen to enough murder podcasts, you're going to start looking over your shoulder, right?

It just is. It just is. You watch enough Law & Order SVU, every guy walking hand in hand with a little girl in a grocery store is probably molester, right? And so I do think media plays like a damning role in shifting our bodies.

Like our bodies are like, oh, I remember that guy. I remember that guy. That never even happened, right? That was just fiction. But yes, I do think that happens. Okay, I had a weird situation at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago

with a guy that just, he appeared on every aisle. It was just something creepy about him. And then when I walked out, he walked out behind me and was standing no he like had abandoned his cart it was gone and it was just one of those something felt weird and i've never had that happen before but something told me it was like you know it's time to leave but you may have had somebody do that when you were nine and they were 10 and they kept showing up at the dance

And you were just like ah, it's just you know what I mean? Um, or yeah, you may have watched one too many horror movies allegedly I don't know what you're talking about Yeah, uh that goes back to you'll say listen to your bodies listen to your bodies man, um and One of I think our great life lessons is how can I better hear what my body's trying to tell me? And I think that's a good exercise for all how can I better hear what my body's trying to tell me? And I think that's a good exercise for all of us.

All right, let's go to Jim across the northern border in Calgary. What's up, Jim? Hey, how's it going? Good, man. How are you? I'm not too bad, not too bad. Sunny, but it's an old day here today. That's so good, man. Hey, can I just tell you, your accent brings me joy.

It makes me happy. I have an accent? Well, I'm a Texan, so we're basically on the other side of Earth, and I get the same thing. Like, man, we love your Texas accent. I'm like, I don't have an accent. I guess definitely I do. So, yeah, it's fantastic.

So, hey, so what's up, man? Well, I used to go, I'm looking to try and, I've been trying to think of ways I've been trying to reconnect with my wife. I have not, I've not been able to, I'm looking for ways to try and reconnect with my wife. It's just, it's just been, uh, just been going south for quite a long time now. It's, uh, we, uh, we haven't really been all that close. We've been basically roommates for years.

When's the last time y'all had sexual intimacy? Probably over three years ago. Wow. Yeah. Part of that is that I am basically working day and night, literally. It's not figured out, it's literal. I drive courier service from 10 at night till 5 in the morning, and then I work construction in the daytime till about up to 4 p.m. Sometimes 5 p.m. Go to sleep. And so I'm lucky to get a four is a six hour sleep a day, a night, whatever.

What, what, what are you, what are you running from? What am I running from? Yeah. Uh, I don't know if I'm running from anything.

Maybe, uh, the bill collector. That's about it. I mean, that's like, are you, yeah. Are you running from financial insecurity? Are you in a season where you're trying to earn a bunch of money to get your guys solvent? Cause you're scared financially or have y'all created? I'd say that's accurate. Yeah. That's, uh, yeah. Um, we, uh, we,

I, I, I'm self-employed, so, uh, uh, we were, I, I wrote, I'm self-employed. Okay. So, uh, uh, run my own exterior business and, uh, things were going quite well for, for quite a while there. And we were doing really good. We were like, and we were just like a mom and pop, uh, shop, right. Uh, we just do it all on our own. Like I did a lot of it on my own. I actually built up to about four crews for a while and I was going good for a while and we were looking good. And then all of a sudden the recession hit here in

2015 and everything just went south all at once. And, and, uh, yeah, it's, uh, just, you know, the good graces of, uh, cotton friends that we were able to hold onto our home and things like that. And it's just, you know, and, and I've been, uh, like, there was a people have been all, they've been saying, you know, why don't you just go bankrupt? And it's like, no, I, I don't want to do that. You know, I, I, they're my bills. I want to pay them, you know, that's, that's noble and good. Um, is that when your marriage took a turn?

Um, yeah, it would be short, right in that, right in around that time. Um, there, there's a lot of,

uh, geez, oh God, my, if you want to go back into my, my past life, like it's, it's like a,

a person would probably make a career on me, you know, um, just with a lot of different, uh, a lot of different things that have gone on in the past. Uh, are you talking about in the past in your marriage? Uh, but I've had, this is my third marriage. Uh, so, uh, my, my first marriage was just a complete disaster. A very young wife got pregnant, and I wanted to be around my daughter. But that just fell apart within five years. And then my second marriage, my wife just walked out.

That one didn't go very well. And then, um, it was, uh, with, uh, my wife now and,

and, uh, we've been together going on now, guess it'd be 24 years now, but we've only been married, uh, nine. So,

and she, she's, she's left you too, Jim. She stays, she's she's left you too jim she stays she stayed she left you too she stays in the house with you but y'all aren't we're not we're not even in the same room you know so so and part of part of what's going on is it with it that i think uh what really really hurts me is like i i'm I'm concerned about how this is affecting my daughter. Like, I'm sure she's not, she's not stupid, but she, she seems like a happy child, but I just don't know how it's really affecting her. Right. And like, uh, she's

my, my daughter's like, she's my wife. How old is she? 12. 12. So your current wife isn't on the phone, so you're the only person I can talk to in this relationship, okay? Is that fair? Mm-hmm. That's fair, yes. So if I look back to the last three relationships you've been in, there's been one common denominator, and that's you. Yeah, well, trust me, that's crossed my mind, too. All right, so your first one, it just fell apart. I don't believe in that relational phrase.

That's not a true statement. Things don't just fall apart relationally. People stop trying. They start putting their attention into other things, like building a business or alcohol or still sleeping around. They put their attention other places and not on the relationship. And like if you stop changing the oil in your car, it doesn't just fall apart. It quits working because nobody took care of it.

Right. And your second wife just left, right? She just said, I'm not doing this. Your third wife has just parked, right? She didn't fight. She didn't flee She just froze. This is it. This is the life. I got i'm moving into this bedroom and i'm going to try to create A world where I can survive inside of a pocket of whatever chaos I live in Or i'm going to continue to be a mistress to all these jobs and imagine her wondering, man, what is so unbeautiful and unsexy about me?

What is so undesirable about me that I'm second place to a courier service? Well, actually, I don't do the two jobs by choice, because I've discussed with her on the number of occasions where I don't want to be working two jobs and because she doesn't work. She's, she stays at home. Um, when she, uh, when she was born, um, when my daughter was born, she, uh, we agreed that she was going to be a stay at home mom, you know, and I had no problem with that. Things were good at the time, you know, um, business was going well and all that. Um, and, uh, I didn't have a problem with that, you know, and we just,

we thought it would be better for her to be home with her mother instead of in daycare or whatever. Great. Babysitters and stuff. And quite frankly, my daughter never had a babysitter ever. That's probably not good because that means y'all have never been on a date. No, we haven't. Yes. Not since she was born.

That's not good. That's a terrible statistic. My kids have had tons of babysitters because me and their mom are always going out. I have tried that. I have made suggestions to go out. Uh, anytime that we have gone out, it's with our daughter. Okay. So, um, and I love her to death. Like, uh, I know that totally, I totally believe that. Um, there's no question about that. But you know, there's, I've, I've wanted to go out and do things like just us go out, you know. Like before our daughter was born, you know, we used to go out and dance and stuff.

We were country-western dancers. Sure. So here's the deal. We enjoyed that quite a bit. Your wife has a life, has created a world inside of your marriage that includes her and her daughter and not you and this is a pretty common thing that happens and then you create a life financially that you have to have and one of you just keeps working and adding jobs and doing stuff because the data you've received over the last 15, 20 years is you're not very

good at relationships. And you love being a dad, but she's just better than you at it. And so the one thing you are good at is work. And so you say, that's the best way I can support and show my wife and my kid that I love them is I'm just going to work more and make sure their needs are taken care of. And there's some nobility to that, but I promise you, you are working yourself into an early, early death. Oh, I know. I keep mentioning that. Like I said, I have brought this up with her and I've wanted to quit the night job.

Here's how we bring this up. Here's how we bring this up. We bring this up, you two, and I would push pretty hard for a babysitter. And I would push pretty hard for a babysitter. And I would push pretty hard for a, actually your kid's 12 now. He's not really a babysitter, but somebody to come over and keep your kid or let your kid go play at somebody's house for a weekend. And you and your wife are in desperate need of some sort of retreat, whether it's four hours or half a day or whatever that looks like.

Do you have a history of yelling, getting fired up, getting raged out? Actually, no, it's on the other end. Okay. So your wife's got a history. Yeah. I'm usually the calm one and I'm usually, uh, it, it, uh, wouldn't, wouldn't it, like, I don't even try to discuss things anymore. Like I, I basically am constantly just walking away because I refuse to fight in front of my daughter, for one. I came from a pretty rotten family. My family life was pretty violent and abusive.

And actually, my wife came from something similar to that as well from what she tells me she was abused quite a bit so so here's where we get when we argue it ends up into a screaming match well I

I very rarely raise my voice I get angry and I rarely raise my voice I will say things like get angry and I rarely raise my voice and I'll, I will say things like you don't need to yell. And then she gets really loud. Exactly. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, coaching somebody on how they're angry is usually not the best strategy. Um, it usually the best strategy in that situation is later to say hey whenever we're having a disagreement which everybody in a relationship is going to have whenever you raise your voice it reminds me of being a kid and i shut down my body just shuts itself down and so it would be really a gift to me if when we got into a disagreement we figured out a way to do that

calmly or we wrote each other notes or whatever as we practiced this. So earlier I said you were the common denominator. That goes one of two ways. The common denominator being you are the guy that's really hard to be married with and all these women are marrying you and then they're like, dude, I'm out of here, out of here, out of here. Or you've heard the old saying that's actually true. We marry our unfinished business And it might be that you keep picking the same partner over and over again because your body has identified relationships is something that's abusive Yeah, you know that has crossed my mind too

Well, and I and you have a little boy inside of you wondering what it was so bad about you That your mom talked screamed at you like that and that dad beat the crap out of you wondering what it was so bad about you that your mom talked, screamed at you like that. And that dad beat the crap out of you, whatever happened. And you have a little boy that's constantly trying to solve it. And you tried it with wife number one, and you tried it with wife number two, and now you're trying it with wife number three. And your wife's probably marrying her unfinished business because you look like a nice stable guy, which is a hundred percent different than what she grew up with. The only problem is she does not have the relational tools to be connected to a calm, quiet guy.

She has relational tools for war. And you two have to decide, I'm going to stop doing relationships as I've done them my entire life and learn new skills. One of you, you, I'm going to speak up more and I'm going to let my needs be heard. And I'm going to stop committing long tail suicide in the form of working 20 hours a day for year after year after year. And your wife's going to have to learn every relationship is not a battle. In fact, there's a totally different reason for relationships and it's peace.

And I've just never experienced that. So I'm gonna have to practice it and learn it. Y'all are both gonna have to make that choice or you're just gonna have divorce number three. And if you're gonna have divorce number three, I recommend sooner rather than later. But this works with you telling her, I want to love you the best that I can. And I have grown up with this and I want to do

something different. Would you be willing to go with me? And that's going to look like me letting my needs be heard, me getting some sleep and honoring my body, me spending private time with my daughter, us rekindling romance, you making some choices to learn different ways of communicating and not fighting and going to war. Because you're talking about two adults deciding we're going to do everything different from this point forward. And that's a tall ask. It is a hundred percent doable, but both of you have to be on the same page. I also know this brother, I can feel it on you that you think this is going to be a futile conversation. Yeah. Quite often I want to talk about something and I just figure what's the point.

All right. So here's what I want you to do. You know what's the point? You. You're worth the point. Your daughter's worth the point. Your marriage is worth the point. You still love that lady.

Your wife is worth it. That's what the point is. That's the why. So if I'm you and I know I'm wading in to the entrance to hell, I am going to write this down. I'm going to write a letter to my wife and I'm going to take her out. I'm going to read it to her. And the letter is not going to be filled with accusations. You don't do this and you don't do this. And we haven't had sex in three years and you don't, it's not going to be that. It's going to start with, I miss my wife. I miss you.

And I've participated in a marriage where we've ended up as roommates and I miss you. And I want to find our way back to one another. I don't want to raise a daughter who thinks this is what marriage looks like, that it's just roommates. I don't want to raise a daughter who thinks this is what marriage looks like, that it's just roommates. I don't want to raise a daughter who feels like she is responsible for mom and dad's emotional well-being,

that she's the center of our household, that everything revolves around her, so much so that my parents haven't had a date in a decade because of poor little old me, because she can't handle the weight of your household. She's 12. So you say, what's the point? You are, man.

You get one shot at this little life, dude. So write it down. Have the hard conversation. And for the first time, maybe in a long time, ask what you need. Ask yourself, what do I need, man? What am I willing to do? What am I willing to change? What am I willing to give? And ultimately the end of this conversation with your wife is an invitation. Are you willing to go on this journey with me? Where we both learn new ways of interacting. We both heal from our childhood that both of them are awful. I'm all in if you're all in.

And it's going to be bumpy and hard. We might have to see a marriage counselor together, which I highly, highly advise. I don't really see a way forward for you two without it. It'd be great. The point is you and your marriage and your kid. You're worth it, man. let me know how that conversation goes i'll be thinking about you because this one's hard i know because it takes two to tango man it takes two people to say yes let's change everything and it only takes one person to say shut up screw this get up. Get on with your life. And you've got some really hard choices to make.

And I'll be with you along those roads too, man, if that's where it ends up. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, I just gave, during the break, gave Jim, him and his wife,

a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. If you haven't picked that book up, if you're wondering, what do I do next? All right, I want to heal this relationship. I got childhood trauma to heal from. I just want my life to be different. As you enter the holiday season, you start thinking about

what the new year's going to look like. It's a great, number one bestseller. It did well, but it life to be different. As you enter the holiday season, you start thinking about what the new year is going to look like. It's a great number one bestseller. It did well, but it continues to do well helping people figure out, okay, here's what happened. What am I going to do next? So go to johndeloney.com and pick that up.

All right. During the break, Kelly came in and dropped these lyrics off. I haven't turned them over yet. I'm turning them over. Oh gosh, you would. Hmm. I don't know if y'all know this uh listening audience um but part of getting a phd is you have to take a class in latin and you may not know this but kelly daniel in latin is uh

it's latin for the worst the worst if someone's like oh that meal is The worst. If someone's like, oh, that meal is Kelly Daniel. That's Latin for that meal's terrible. It's the worst. Today's song of the day is a remix by Pentatonix. Pentatonix. Song's called Little Drummer Boy. The worst Christmas song ever. Ever.

They ran out of lyrics and they actually sang the snare drum. That's how great this song is. Goes like this. Come, they told me. Pa rum pa pum pum. A newborn king to see. Parumpapumpum. Our finest gifts we bring.

Parumpapumpum. Hang on to your hats, kids. Get the Kleenex box ready. To lay before the king. Parumpapumpum. Parumpapumpum. Parump pa pum pum. Rum pa pum pum. Rum pa pum pum. That's terrible.

It's the worst. Rudolph the Red Nose Ray. See you soon.