The Dr. John Delony Show - Ending a Friendship & Getting Married Again After a Messy Divorce

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I’m pregnant and my boyfriend left because I wouldn’t get an abortion. Should I keep the lines open in case he changes his mind or plan to move forward without him? How do you end relationships/friendships to make room for more growth and time in your personal life? I'm 23-years-old and divorced. I have a girlfriend now and I am getting comments from friends/family about getting married again. I am terrified to marry again.  Lyrics of the Day: "I Will Wait" - Mumford & Sons   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp   tags:   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young woman whose boyfriend left when he found out she was pregnant and she wants to know what to do. We talk to a young woman who wants to know, how do I end friendships that aren't romantic? And I talk to a young man who was recently divorced and his family is pressuring him to get married again. And by the way, we talk about whether we can root for the Astros, who are a bunch of cheaters. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Hope you're doing well. Hope things are going well in your life. And if they're not, I hope you're on track to get things turned around. Hope you got folks who are walking along with you. And if you don't, I'm glad you're doing well. Hope things are going well in your life. And if they're not, I hope you're on track to get things turned around. Hope you've got folks who are walking along with you. And if you don't, I'm glad you're with us. And if you do, I'm glad you're with us. We are going to talk about everything on the show today. That's not really true. I just say that all the time.

And now it's just become routine and it just comes out of my mouth. And then right when I say it, I'm like, no, we're not. We're talking about like three or four things and that's it. And then we move on. But I like to speak almost entirely in hyperbole, right? So I hope you're doing well. If you don't know what hyperbole means, look it up. And let's just start here.

If you want to be on the show, give me a shout at, Zach, you pointing? You look beautiful. 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Zach is the video guy back there and he makes it all happen. It's just a good spot here. Zach, I can't hear him in the studio. I can only hear James and Kelly's lovely, lovely voices telling me how much I'm tanking the show on a regular basis and what I should be doing otherwise professionally other than this show and I can only hear from Zach

I can only see Zach out of the corner of my eye and it's a thumbs up or a thumbs down that's how he speaks to me exclusively thumbs up, thumbs down sometimes shows get lots of thumbs down and it hurts my self esteem and my feelings but Zach hey listen

baseball season has started and you're a huge Braves fan, which is embarrassing for you and your family, but it is what it is. I've got a problem, and I need you just to solve it with a thumbs up or thumbs down. To the listeners to the show, I am a diehard to the death since I was born Houston Astros fan. I was born in Houston, raised in Houston. My buddies and I used to go to the Astros games when they were $4 in the Astrodome. It was four bucks, general admission in the outfield. And we would just terrorize outfielders back then. And it's just

a part of my soul. And so then when they won the World Series a few years ago, I was, I wept. I woke my son up. I cried. It was this moment. And now I find out they're a bunch of cheaters. They cheated the whole thing. So we took a mandatory year off, but it wasn't even a real year because it was shortened.

Here's the thing, Zach, as a baseball fan, I'm looking for you for some moral guidance here. Can we be fans again? Or do we just have, are the Astros done? Are they dead to us? Oh my gosh.

See, here's the thing. As a Braves fan, they're dead to me. What do you think, Oracle, James? I could not have less of an opinion on this. I know. I just want to play my guitars and make beats with my, with Pro Tools.

James hates all American pastimes, and that's why he plays fender guitar that's not true i've been playing catch with my son in the yard a lot but i don't care about the astros i've been playing catch with my son look at me trying to be an all-american guy all-american dad part of me wants to bring the astros back zach and part of me is just still stuck if you have an opinion i guess email Kelly, and she'll delete it faster than you can actually send it in. But Zach gives me the thumbs down, like any good Braves fan would, because

here's the thing. The Braves aren't that good, and the Astros routinely beat them and embarrass them and their families, and so of course Zach's going to be like, no, down with the Astros. I don't know what to do, man. It's a moral dilemma for me. I do remember when I had to sit down and talk to my son about it and say, hey, this team that we rooted for and cheered for, they cheated. And my son was so devastated. Astros, you ruined my relationship

with my son. You didn't actually. You gave me a good teaching moment. And you also gave me hours and hours of my month back because I quit checking on scores and stuff and started quote unquote playing with my family. And then my relationships got better in my house. So that was all good. I don't know. I'm just torn on what to do. I'm going to, I think I'm going to, I don't know. We'll just have to, I'm going to call into the show and talk to myself about it. But no more talking about the Astros. They've ruined enough of my life. Let's go to Amanda in Fargo, North Dakota. Amanda, how in the world are you?

Oh, I'm doing all right, Dr. John. Thanks for talking with me. Thank you so much for calling. I hope you're doing well. How can I help? What's going on? Well, I'm pregnant. Excellent.

Congratulations, I think. Thank you. My boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn't get an abortion. Oh, golly. I'm so sorry. How far along are you? 18 and a half weeks. 18 and a half weeks. Okay. So this thing's happening. Yep. Yep.

Okay. So tell me what's going on in your heart and mind. What are we doing here? Well, I think he might change his mind and come around, if nothing else, at least to be a part of the child's life eventually. So I'm just wondering if I, how do I prepare for that? Or do I just go on as if I'm on my own? What makes you think he's going to come around after he bailed on you? He, he has a big heart. He really does. He didn't show it. No, he didn't. A lot of people were really disappointed in that. Well, they should be because he failed you.

Are you a super optimistic woman? Yes, I am. Okay, so are you seeing this? your life is changed dramatically. You're going to have a baby. This is exciting and scary. And how old are you? I'm almost 35. Okay. So you are all in on this thing. You've lived life. You know what's up. Lived life. That made it sound like I just called you ancient. I'm not doing that. but you're not 17. My doctor did too. No, I'm not. Oh dude. If you're 35 and you tell your doctor you're pregnant, they're basically like prepare you for end times. And I hate it. It's so awful. I, uh, my wife had to go through that where they're like, well, you know that, um, you're going to come in here on a walker

and that it's awful. So good for you. for you so um but you're not 17 right so you you have seen life you understand life are you making a fantasy out of this relationship with this guy because that's how you're getting through every day no i mean i i have two other kids okay um i've been divorced for 11 years and so I've been a single mom for 11 years. They're going to be 12 and 13 this summer. Okay. So, I mean, that's not new to me. Yeah, but the reality of it happening again is super new to you?

Yeah. And my guess is you are equally excited and equally what is happening to me yeah it's I wasn't expecting to be alone but I mean my thing with him is like he's super affectionate to his dog and super affectionate to his lizard. Hey, listen, I'm laughing with you, not at you, okay? No, he takes the lizard out of the cage and gives her a bath and calls her honey. Amanda, Amanda, lizard. It's a lizard. I'm literally, the insides of my body are twisting around as you're talking.

But he's got a lot of compassion. You know what? He doesn't. He has compassion about animals that he controls. Yeah. He does not have compassion, the reckless, wild, unabashed love that you have for somebody that you're going to create life with. He does not have that reckless, I'll do anything, I'll burn the city down for my child love that a parent has.

He has a lizard that he lets walk around his apartment, right? That is not the same thing. This dude is super, super, super lame. And I hate, hate that he's responded to you this way, and I hate that he's responded to his future baby this way. Can he come around? Yes, of course. Many, many, many people sat down with my wife before she married me and had these dramatic cups of coffee telling her how lame I was, right? Yeah.

So he can come around. He is not there. And I hate this. hate this for you. What is it about him that is making you dig so deep to find some redeeming quality that you are now trying to compare a child with a lizard? I think that's just the type of person I am. The type of person that you try, you will mine the depths of hell to try to find something good about somebody or that you are, that you live in an alt universe so that your today will be okay or both? I look for the best in people.

Okay. You were looking really, really hard. Okay. Yeah. And I mean, like three and a half years, it wasn't, it wasn't a two month fling or something like that. You know, I've, I've seen what he's capable of and knowing his potential. But that also makes the devastation that much deeper and greater when he bails on you when you need him the most. Yeah. Right. And it, it can pull the rug out from under you when you think, I know somebody, and we're

down the road on this thing, and I'm not going to be alone, and I trust him with my kids, and I don't trust anybody with my kids, and I trusted this guy, and then all of a sudden things got really real, and he's out. Right? He may turn around. You're right. I hope, hope, hope, for. You're right. I hope, hope,

hope for a thousand different reasons. I hope he does. But I don't want you continually kicking this fantasy down the road and just prolonging the inevitable that you may be raising a third kid as a single mom. Yeah. And so here's a, just a phrase I live my life by. It's just one of those cornerstone sayings.

Things usually turn out okay, and sometimes they don't. Right? And so I live my life pretty optimistically, and I don't owe anybody any money just in case. Right? I live a really nonviolent life. I don't get angry at people very often at all and i trained in mixed martial arts for years and years and i know how to handle a gun right so

i never want to use these things but if right and so what i that same principle will apply to you here meaning you've got to wrap your head around a reality where you are going to be taking care of a third kid by yourself. And you're going to have that decade gap that is going to be both exciting and terrifying, right? Because now you're both dropping third graders off and changing diapers. And you are both going to a fourth grade graduation and a soccer game and trying to squeeze nap time in, right? All that is very, very real. And you're going to have to figure out rent and a network of support and what kind of job you can get that's going to give you the time off, but also support. You're going to do that. And you've got to prepare to share this child with his father for the rest of his life

because it's about the kid not about you right right and you regardless of how much this guy sucks as a partner as a guy who should be sitting by your side right now um this is still going to be that kid's dad right and so how do you prepare a world where you have to operate out all the machinery and i also have to honor this idiot because this idiot is the father of my kid and that's a hard both end right um my boys's dad hasn't seen them in almost eight years so it's like i said that's kind of familiar territory. So guys who suck are, yeah, I mean, that's my jive. You live in that world, right? Yeah. I hate this for you. I really do. How are your other two boys doing? Great. Fantastic. One of them just graduated out

of the Reading 180 class and got to start a tech class. He's super excited for the 3D printer. Awesome. The other one, it's his last couple months of fifth grade, so they'll both be in middle school next year. They're going to go spend the summer with grandma about 200 miles away so I can focus on work and getting some money saved up, and so grandma's not lonely during the summer. That'll be a lot of fun. They can have an adventure. So are you going to be lonely there growing a kid number three, or is this going to be a time for you just to make snow angels in the carpet with no middle schoolers running around?

Well, we'll see. I'm scheduled 10 hour days at my job. They've been really understanding with all my appointments and everything recently. Fantastic. I have a dog. I have two horses. I can reconnect with some of my friends. Hey, this is great news. Along with your horses, your boyfriend's got a lizard, right? Oh my gosh. All right. So here's the thing. If dad comes back into the picture, right, this is going to be about you and him and your relationship because he loves you, not just to duct tape and stitch together some sort of pseudo relationship so that y'all can all pretend that it's going to be great because there's a baby on the way. Right. Because you've lived that life, right?

Mm-hmm. You've tried to make stuff work with the dad of the other two boys and it doesn't, right? You've been down this road? Yeah. Okay. I want to make sure you don't compromise your soul for an idiot with a reptile. Well, that's how the abortion didn't happen. I wasn't going to compromise who I was and my beliefs in that standing. I mean, I take responsibility for the mistake I made with not telling him it was a possibility at the time. And so that the other precautions weren't taken. But other than that. He's a grown up, too.

Hey, listen, he's a grown up, too, Amanda. Okay. Everybody's in this deal together. Right. What did the breakup look like? Okay. Everybody's in this deal together, right? Yeah. What did the breakup look like? I'm just trying to wrap my head around what's a conversation. When's the last time you all have talked? Well, I had a piece of mail at his place yesterday. Okay. I found out in January and told him. We looked at it.

I was open to looking at the options. There was three times that I told him that this was what I had decided. Twice I said, okay, I'll think some more. You weren't really thinking. Were you trying to just get him to get on the road a little bit with you? It was a little bit of both. It is a lot of, but like I said, it kept coming

back to, it's a life, and I'm being asked to kill something for a relationship. Because he did say if I was to get the abortion that he would put a more solid effort into repairing our relationship

because it had been a little bit rough for the last year or so. Amanda, this guy sucks. I'm not in the business of talking bad about other people's partners, but this guy's no good. Yeah. Anybody who's going to put an ultimatum on your values

and then they're going to work harder at your relationship is not worth the air you're breathing. They're not. That's not how relationships work. You don't have these conditional, if you do this, I'll start trying to love you a little bit better. That's not how that works, man.

Yeah. And I told him, I said, you know, the baby is a guaranteed thing. A relationship with you, even without the baby is not necessarily a guaranteed thing. Yeah. Take some, take the emotional charge of the baby off the table. Um, if he comes in and says, Hey, listen, if you start mowing the yard, I'm going to really, I'll start making an effort then. He sucks if he says that, right? The effort is because you are you, right?

Because your relationship's worth salvaging. Every relationship goes through really messy, muddy, ugly, like no grass left in the yard seasons. Every relationship, the best marriages on earth, there's moments when people are hanging on by the fingernails. That's the nature of it, right? And it always comes back to, they're worth it. This is worth it, right? And then you start scratching and clawing and making your way back, right? Right.

And so it's not, you know what, if you perform and achieve, then I'm back in. That's not how that works, man. Because then the whole base of the relationship is on what you do for me. And man, there is no relational foundation for that. It's what I do for you. And then what you do for me, and then now we're building something, right? So, yeah, Amanda, I'm telling you, even if he says I'm coming back, I would think long and hard about bringing him back,

just the character of the person you've told me who he is, right? Yeah, yeah. And do you want this guy to – do you want to build, right, the foundation of your house with this dude moving forward, man. Um, I don't know. I know there's two sides to every story. I know there's a whole bunch here. Um, bottom line is you have to prepare your heart and mind. And that's a dramatic way of saying you got to prepare, prepare your finances, your living situation, your kids, your in-laws, your job, where you live. Do you have enough support, not just emotional support and somebody bringing you casserole support, but do you have babysitting support and do you have financial support? I mean,

do you have people in your life that are going to hold your arms up in the desert when this thing gets hard? Because you think you remember what it's like having a newborn i promise you don't i forgot i super forgot and i had five years between them not a thousand like you do um and then the second thing is if this guy looks in the mirror one day and says i can't be this guy anymore and i you know me i want to be about redemption all day long and he knocks on your door and says, I can't be this guy anymore. And you know me, I want to be about redemption all day long. And he knocks on your door and says, I screwed up bad. And I'm all in. I'm all in on you. I'm all in on this baby. I'm all in on your other two boys. Then you say, cool, before I do anything, say anything, we're going to see a marriage therapist now. We're going to go see a relationship counselor today or tomorrow morning. And you're taking off work and we're going to go see a relationship counselor today or tomorrow morning and you're

taking off work and we're going and we're going to build this thing from the floor up. We're not going to recreate what was because what was was awful where you were forced into searching so hard for a shred of humanity in this dude that you were trying to compare a new baby to a lizard. He loves his, he lets his lizard out of the cage. Oh my gosh. And he hugs his dog. Totally different. And you know that, Amanda, you know, and I applaud your effort into trying to find humanity here. I applaud it. But here's what happens. And I want everyone listening to hear this. Sometimes when we spend this much energy, Amanda, that you're spending trying to find humanity in others, we give up our own in search of theirs. We give up

who we are. We give up what we actually know to be right. We give up what the values that we have. We give up our futures and hopes and dreams. We give up our voice because he's got a lizard. Like, I'm trying to find something, right? We do that with politicians. We do that with our religious institutions. We do that with school. We try so hard to find some redeeming value. We end up way down a road we never thought we'd be down, ever thought we'd be down because we're trying to find some redeeming glimmer of hope. And what I want everyone to do is to stop and look in the mirror and say, who am I? What are my values? What is right? And if you don't know, find somebody that you trust and say, where are we, man? And then you build it from there. You build it from there out, right? Not the other way around.

I love, love, love your heart, Amanda. You're in for a long road. You know this. You've got two other kids and you're in for an extraordinary, beautiful, life-altering adventure. And this new baby is going to be loved. He's going to have two knuckleheaded brothers that are going to love him like crazy. He's going to have a mama that loves him like crazy. And you know what? He's going to have a lizard-owning dad who's going to love him in his weird way too. And you're going to have to figure out how to make peace with that because this little kid's going to need his dad too.

However misguided and goofy and broken dad is, he's going to need that too. And dad, if you're listening to this, fix it. It's not too late. It's not too late to turn it around. Alright, let's go to Anna in Phoenix, Arizona. Anna, what's going on? How can I help? Hey John, how are you, what's going on? How can I help? Hey, John. How are you today? You know what? I was doing great to learn about that last call, but I'm doing good.

I'm back to doing good now that we're talking, Anna. How are you? Very good. Good, good, good. What's up? My question is, what is an appropriate way to end relationships, specifically friendships, that detract from your personal or professional growth? So, broad topic. Yeah.

It's funny. I was just talking to some buddies the other day. Like, we don't have, like, grown-up. Like, you don't have breakups with your regular friends, right? You only have breakups with romantic friends. We don't have, like, a cultural system for saying, like, I don't want to be your friend anymore. So, please never call. We don't have that, right? You only have breakups with romantic friends. We don't have like a cultural system for saying like, I don't want to be your friend anymore. So please never call. We don't have that, right? We just quit returning their calls basically. Exactly. And I don't want to do that. Okay. So you have something going on. So tell me what's actually happening in your world.

Like put a context for this. Yeah. So I've got like lots of beautiful people in my life. And even the ones I'm trying to end relationships with, they're also great people. But they've kind of, there's a couple of them who've put me on this pedestal almost, and have become very obsessive, and demand a lot of my attention and time. Okay. And I've tried setting boundaries. They're not respected. And so I just want to figure out how to end it. Give me an example of you set a boundary and they didn't respect it. What does that look like? Oh, wait.

So I took my medical boards a couple months ago. Did you pass? I took it. I passed. Yeah, dude. Way to go. All of America just cheered. We only have like 32 listeners, but we're all cheering for you. That's so good.

Awesome. And these are your boards for med school? Huh? These are your med school. Oh, congratulations. That's so cool. Way to go. Right.

And as you understand, they were incredibly exhausting. Like you're in a hole for months studying. And afterwards I had told everybody like, Hey, I'm going to lay in my bed for like three days. I can't respond to anybody. Right. Well-deserved. And like one of the people was just so happened to be 30 minutes away from her home in my neighborhood. It just like showed up. So things like that. And it's like, I made it clear. I need alone time in my bed. So is, is that enough that you want to end relationships or are you about to move across

country? Like when you say I want to end this thing, what does that mean? You want them to never call you again? I guess not, but I don't know how to set the boundaries. Like, I would be there for anybody, even if, like, some stranger broke down on the side of the road, you know, and they're like, hey, you, help, and I would. Of course. But, hey, it's way, way easier to help strangers than it is to help people that we're in a relationship with, right? Right. And they are good people, because if they were a jerk, it'd be easy to end.

Right. But it's like, if I give them an inch, they keep trying to take a mile, and it's just exhausting even telling them no all the time. And when they ask a lot, it's like eventually you say yes, and then you're just drained. They wear you down. What kind of doctor are you going to be? So I want to go into endocrinology. So that's the path for now. And for those who don't know what that is, give them a 30-second primer on endocrinology. So I want to, so it's like a little bit unconventional, but I want to help people. So as a personal trainer and nutritionist prior, so I want to help people with lifestyle changes to

balance hormones, but overall give hormones as needed to get people into balance and then change behaviors. Excellent. So there's two things at play here. Number one, I think there's a part of you that loves, loves, loves being the go-to person in your community. And I know that because I'm the same way. And it's exhausting, too. Is that fair? Yes. And so it is super cool to have people reach out ask questions my guess is you've always been the smart one in your crew you've always been the fun one that will do crazy things you've been in med school you've been everybody's token med school friend right and

that also comes with a cost because they call you at all hours of the night hey you look at this weird mole what do you think about this is covid real? You do that all the time, right? Exactly. And so it's exhausting also. And it's especially exhausting when people think they have a friend who's a doctor or a mental health person or a finance person. Their emergency always has to be your emergency, right? And so they call all the time. What is it about you that won't just turn your phone off? Like you make this announcement, I want a three-day sabbatical from Earth. Why didn't you just turn your phone off and not answer the door?

Yeah, that's a good question. It's because you kind of liked it. And you want to be connected, but you want, I'm not going to. It's because you kind of liked it. And you want to be connected, but you want to be connected on your terms. And those aren't real boundaries. Those are pretend boundaries, right? Or I call them indignant boundaries. It's where I will go by, I'll come up with some terrible analogy here.

They're just indignant boundaries, right? They're screen doors. They're just indignant boundaries, right? They're screen doors. They're not walls. And then I want to be able to see out there and make sure everybody's doing good, make sure I'm still important. But when you call, I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you, right? And so I would say when you put up a boundary, you have ownership there. It's your responsibility to draw that line A and then hold that line. Because people are going to test and see if that boundary holds firm or not.

And if you're – this is cool that you're learning this on the front end of what's about to be a long journey to become a licensed medical doctor because this is going to just get crazier for you. You're going to be this way for everyone in your community. You're going to have friends of friends who call you, right? This is just going to be your life. And so when you set a boundary, then you are then responsible for making sure that wall's firm, right? It really bugged my buddies when I would start turning my phone off on the weekends. It bugged me more. And then quickly, everybody kind of just learned, right?

And now I'm not so militant about it. And I'm kind of sad that my friends don't call me on the weekends. But I set that boundary. That's me, right? I set it up. So that's number one. It's super annoying that you put that out into the universe. I don't want anyone to check on me. But my guess is you've set up boundaries like that before. And then people show up and you're like, oh, come on in. And you have coffee and ice cream together and you all hang out and have some laughs. They leave. And then you get indignant about it. So I would say you put it out. They violated your boundary, but you opened the door. They showed back up. So if you want to have those boundaries, draw them. Here's the second thing. You are entering into a profession where the crux of your success in this profession

is not going to be academic. There's a lot of smart people. It's not going to be the information you quote unquote have in your head. It's going to be how you communicate hard truths to people in a vulnerable and exposed way and let them hear and listen to you, not be devastated by you, and then know you love them, but then they've got to go make behavioral life changes, right? Right. This will be most, you will be most successful in this if you can have some congruence,

which is the nerd Rogerian word for I'm the same person at home as I am at work, as I am at the store, as I am at church. The more you can be the same person, the better, right? And you know where I'm the same person at home as I am at work, as I am at the store, as I am at church. The more you can be the same person, the better, right? And you know where I'm going here. The more you can sit down with one of your friends who you love and say, hey, look, I'm taking a three-day sabbatical from life. For sure, don't call me. I'm going to turn my phone off. I love you.

Or if they show up and bang and ring the doorbell, ring the doorbell, ring the doorbell, you meet them at the door and you say, hey, I seriously, I love you, but this is some sacred time for me and I can't hang out. And I know it's going to be super frustrating, but I don't want to. So I'll give you a call in two days after my sabbatical with life is over. And you shut the door in a gentle, compassionate, loving way. And then if they sit there and honk their horn and they air horn out your window, that's when you call the police on them and say, I have a crazy person in my front yard, right?

But all that to say is learning how to have these compassionate, but direct, loving, but hard conversations, which don't have to be a production. They don't have to be a show. They are just simply, here's my boundary. Here's my truth. And you're not, you are not, I don't like that phrase, my truth, because there's, we weaponize that, but here's my boundary. And you're not,

I've asked you two or three times to not text me after 10 o'clock. And I turned my phone off and you keep texting, you keep calling, you keep knocking on my door. Why do you keep violating my boundaries? Right? That's going to be an easier version of five years from now when you sit down and say, hey, you have thyroid cancer and we're going to take this out. And you're going to have to have some exogenous hormones for a season. And you're going to have to really change your diet or you're going to die. Right?

That's just a precursor to that conversation. So let's practice really quick. So give me a new boundary in your life. Okay. I am a new boundary in my life. Yeah. I will not answer the phone. I'm going to say after 7 p.m. because I go to bed early.

Dude, you just made my heart feel good. Doctors that get a full night of sleep change lives, everybody. Okay, cool. I'm just going to knock on your door. Hey, Anna, what's up? Let's go party. There's some

super cute fill-in-the-blank at fill-in-the-blank and fill-in-the-blank. And the show starts at 9. You're coming. And then I open. Do I not open the door? I don't know. You're the grown-up here. You're the one who's about to be a doctor.

You tell me. Yeah, if I hear them talking about party, so I open the door. Hey, sorry. I told you I'm turning my phone off at 7. No, hold on, hold on. Let's back up. No need to apologize. You've already stated it.

That's true. Right? They should apologize to you for violating your boundary. True. So, hey, I asked you not to call after 7. Why did you come here? So I would tell you that the door isn't the place for the why conversation. Because they're going to be all gussied up like, ah!

Just don't answer the door. Don't answer the door. Nobody's home. Yeah, and then since your phone's off and you've got your white noise machine on, you're not going to hear it anyway. And it's this, I can hear it in you. You have this compulsion to make sure the people around you are okay.

That's not your job. Your job is to make sure you're well and taken care of. Because you deserve it. Everybody does. Exactly. But all of us who are helpers like to make sure everybody else is okay, because that's where we get our value and esteem from. Everyone else is okay. And then we get super annoyed when they don't have the same respect of our lives and our boundaries. And then it was a big shock to me to realize, oh, I'm in charge of that. I'm in charge of my boundaries, of my wellness, of my taking care of me. And that's super annoying because that's hard,

real, real hard and real, real annoying. So, what do you do? You make firm boundaries and then you hold them. And then know that the people in your world are going to try to lean up against them. Are they real? Are they going to hold? Are they real? Are they real? They're real. They're going to hold. And number two, if they violate them, you have a direct non-apologetic.

I asked you not to come over and you rang my doorbell till 10 o'clock last night. Please don't ever do that again I was exhausted. I'm going to school taking a break. Oh my gosh. We just wanted to play. I'm so sorry, man It's cool. I hear you Um, please if I tell you i'm gonna be out i'm gonna be out. Okay. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm i'm sorry Come on, dude. We're just gonna go to the show. I don't want to go to the show. Um, I need some sleep So thank you so much. We'll go to the show next time

I'll let you know when i'm ready to go back to the show. And it's with a period at the end of it. And then either they're going to bang their head up against your boundary a few times and realize they don't like you anymore, which is super cool, problem solved. Or they're going to honor your boundaries. And you're just going to be that weird friend that goes to bed early. I'm that guy in my friend circle. And they're going to continue to reach out.

Or they're going to send you a text and be like, hey, if you want to, we're all going to fill in the blank. And then you get to decide. And I love those because then I get to decide and I go sometimes, I don't go sometimes and I don't lie. I don't make up. I'm just not going to go. Thank you. Or I'll be there. See you there. You get to decide those boundaries and practice having those hard, direct conversations because they're the rest of your life, Anna. And I'm so glad that someone with your heart is out there changing lives, especially being a doctor who's interested in lifestyle change. You just made my whole heart swell bigger and bigger than I thought it could. Thank you so much for the call. Quick left turn here, but not really.

Not really. We're both going to pay some bills here on the show and I'm excited about this and just so you know we get lots of opportunities to have sponsors on the show to talk through certain things like hey would you guys want to sponsor this and we pass on a lot this is a big deal because I'm getting this call over and over

and over in direct message and email and email and email. Deloney, I'm looking everywhere in my community for someone who I can go see as a therapist. You keep telling us to go see a counselor. You keep telling us to go see a therapist. And the wait list is 100 years. No one's taking insurance. They're only taking cash, and it's $800 a session. That's an exaggeration.

Or I went to the one good counselor in my community because I live in a small town in rural Kansas or North Nebraska or wherever. And there's nobody, nobody, nobody. And I went to the one counselor and they're terrible, right? And they just want to talk about themselves and whatever. And this is an exciting move. I was super skeptical when this kicked off in COVID, when every therapist on earth put their practice online because we couldn't go see people. I'll never forget when my dissertation chair, a guy that I have high respect for,

who was my mentor through the counseling program. I won't say how old he is, but he's older than me. And he said, hey, he's not the most tech savvy guy. And he said, hey, I've moved my practice online and I have to just say it, this changes everything. I'm a better counselor. I'm a better therapist. I am able to show up. My clients who don't have a ton of money are able to not waste an hour driving across town and then sitting in session for an hour and then wasting another hour across town to go back to work because they're working hourly and it's expensive.

And they can just go out in their car. They can go in their house. They can go in a safe space with their iPad, with their cell phone, and we can do counseling direct. And so we partnered with BetterHelp. And I'm so excited about this partnership for you, the listener.

This is live, not just like high five, bro, count, count, uh, coaching, right? This is customized online therapy. It offers video, phone, even if you don't want phone or, um, a video live chat, you can go back and forth with your therapist. If you get connected with a therapist and you don't connect with that therapist, you can tell them there's a process for getting a new one. There's a process for getting another one, right? You can join millions of people who are in therapy. They're seeing what it's all about. It's virtual. It's online. It's on the phone. It's texting. It's direct. It's on your terms here, right? It's way more affordable than traditional

in-person therapy. And you can start communicating with a therapist in less than two days, right? So it's not like I'm having a crisis now. I just found out that he cheated on me today. I found out that she's leaving me today and they go, great, cool. We'll be able to see you in six to nine months, right? No, less than two days, you're having a conversation, right? Here's the deal. Dr. John Deloney show listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y. That's betterhelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. 10% off your first month. Listen, just try it. Just try it.

If you've been sitting at home and you're nervous, especially you tough dudes and tough women who are like, I don't need to do it. Just try it. Just try it. Connect. Betterhelp.com slash Deloney. Go see somebody.

You are worth it. Your relationship's worth it. Your kids are worth it. Everybody in your ecosystem's worth it. Do it. Alright, let's take one more call. Let's go to Dylan in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Dylan? How we doing? Hey, Dr. D. How are you?

I'm good, brother. How are you? Oh, it's just another day. It's just another day. Well, listen, this is important. The Astros are going to beat the Dodgers this year, so there's that. Alright, so what's up, man? How can I help? I don't know about that.

I'm an Angels fan. They just whooped them out. They super did, man. They did. Good call. For those of you who don't know, the Astros played the Angels last night, and the Angels beat them,

and it was embarrassing. It was a good comeback win. Good for them. All right, brother, so how can I help, Dylan? Man, you clowned me on that one. I am 23 years old and I've been divorced for about a year and a half.

My age is 19 through 22. We're pretty bad and that included divorce. However, I've been with my current girlfriend for about 18 months. I've been getting some comments here and there.

When are you guys going to get married? When are you going to propose? Blah, blah, blah. And I thought about it for a couple weeks. Hey, Dylan. Hey, Dylan. Talk directly into the phone, man. Can you hear me now? Ah, way better. Perfect. Okay. All right. I've been getting some comments about getting married. When are you going to propose? And I thought about it for a couple weeks, and I realized I am absolutely terrified of getting married again because of my last marriage, which was completely self-inflicted.

I have accepted that and dealt with that, but I was wondering how would I get over the fear of getting married again, the fear that that might end up really badly again. Yeah, man. I appreciate your question, dude. People all over planet Earth are going through this right now. It's been a rocky season for relationships and people trying to grow something new out of the ash, man. So I appreciate your heart on this. Who's making these comments?

Just some family members and friends. They're kind of joking, but it just got me thinking seriously about it. Why do you care what they think? If you're not ready right now, you're not ready. Why are you giving audience to those critical voices? I guess I take a lot of what people say. I know I shouldn't, and I try not to,? I guess I take a lot of what people say. I know I shouldn't and I try not to, but I guess I take based off of my past marriage and how it ended my military career

and it was just really bad. Based on that, I guess I take a lot of heart to what people think because I grew up so badly over the last couple of years that I just, I take to heart a lot of what people think, and I shouldn't, it's a bad, it's not a good thing to do. What happened in your previous one, man? Well, I mean, I was in the army, I was stationed out there at Fort Campbell, actually, and got back from deployment, started drinking a lot, and it just, I wasn't the best husband,

we had my son, and then shortly after that, it just fell apart, and we separated, and then divorced six months later. Okay. So you ran around on her, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Here's what I'm trying to get at the bottom of. When you have a situation where a marriage implodes, right? And you may have heard me say this before, and I'll keep saying it over and over

because we don't talk about it enough as a culture. When a marriage implodes, when a relationship that you care about implodes, when you do something you never thought you would do, which is cheat on somebody that you love, especially the mother of your kid, right? No one ever sets out for that, right? You lose trust in the relationship, right?

And you have the normal grief and picking up the pieces after a train wreck of an ended relationship. But beneath that, you're kind of hinting around the edges here. You lose trust in you. You're like, who is this guy, right? I thought this guy, I thought I was better than that. I thought that I was fill in the blank. And suddenly you betrayed yourself, who is this guy? I thought this guy, I thought I was better than that. I thought that I was fill in the blank. And suddenly you betrayed yourself. You stumbled and you thought you were running just fine.

And now you're in a new relationship. You like this person. You're a year and a half in. It's cool and all great. But you don't trust Dylan anymore. And now you're trying to outsource that trust to other people, man. And that's when people find themselves way over their head, making stupid decisions because you give audience to idiots, right? We all do it, man. But that one buddy who's like seven beers in, it's like, bro,

why don't you get married? And you're like, I don't know, man, maybe I should, right? Or some uncle that you wouldn't even, if he called you with a good deal on a car, you'd be like, uh, no, but he makes a comment about something. Right. And so, um, you start giving, you start giving audience to other voices. I really want to see Dylan learn to trust Dylan, man. So what'd you learn from the last situation? What'd you learn about you? I learned that, uh man, I learned to own up a lot.

I learned to take accountability of what I do, not try to bury myself deeper, lie, to try to make it worse, to cherish and not take for granted the people we love and the basic things. Like, you know, I have my house, my family. Not to take things like that for granted and just not to screw up things that you love and you cherish. And just, yeah. So listen, brother, you just talked about responsibility. You talked about wisdom. You talked about accountability. And you've learned it the hard way. But if you start to wrap your head in a real way around those

lessons, those commitments at age 23, you're ahead of more than any, you're ahead of most of society. Look around, brother. Nobody will take accountability. Nobody will make wise choices. Nobody will say, hey, I make wise choices. Nobody will say, hey, I screwed this up. I have to be better next time. And you have, right? So give me one example of what not taking for granted, what cherishing a relationship, what does that look like? How are you treating this new person differently than the old person? Well, I mean, she never opens her car door anymore. I always open it for her.

Okay. Give me something way more, I mean, that's cool. That's chivalrous, and I support that. I'm an old Texas kid, man, so I'm high-fiving you. Give me something deeper than that. We actually talk. When we get home for the day, we talk about how our day went. If one of us has an issue with the other, we sit down and we discuss what the issue is

and where we're going to go from here, which I never did in my last marriage. You know what that's called, brother? That's called vulnerability, man. You know what that is? That is the soil of a relationship that's going to work, right? That you plant in that soil. You can plant any kind of crazy seeds in that kind of soil. And if you, as a 23-year-old guy, it's going to make you a great dad.

It's going to make you a great co-parent with your ex who's going to be healing from what you did for years. And it's going to make you a great future husband. That is what I'm talking about, man.'s going to make you a great future husband. That is what I'm talking about, man. That's wisdom. That's accountability. That's learning, man. Good for you, dude.

Good for you. So here's the quick brain science. You got bit in the face last time. You reached way down to kiss a rattlesnake, and it bit you in the face, and it hurt, and it sucked, and you went through a lot of garbage, and you hurt people that you loved. Your brain has a vested interest in you never getting near that rattlesnake again.

Ever, ever. So every time you think about getting married, think about a committed relationship, your brain is going to sound every alarm it's got. Just know that is your body trying to take care of you. It's trying to love you the best it knows how. Okay? You are still learning trying to take care of you. It's trying to love you the best it knows how. Okay? You are still learning how to be in a relationship. My guess is your parents didn't model this for you. Is that fair?

Or maybe they did. Yes. Okay. So you're flying blind. You're on a mission with no map on what a vulnerable Southern California dude looks like in a committed relationship, right? Yes. Okay. So here's the deal.

I can give you 100% guarantee that you never get hurt again. You want it? This is 100% guarantee you will never get hurt again. Okay? Break up with your girlfriend now and never be in another relationship again, ever. That's a hundred percent guarantee that you never get hurt. It also is a hundred percent guarantee that you will never love, never get connected, and you will be miserable. The research tells me you'll die younger and you'll ultimately hate your life. And so the way to get over the fear of getting

married again, getting close and super connected with somebody is to do exactly what you're doing. You got to practice being a better partner every single day. And when you practice it and you continue to die to yourself and let her be more important than your temper tantrums and her be more important than your anger and her be more important than responding to that text from that woman that you know you shouldn't respond to because you know where it's going to go. When she's more important than one more beer and one more beer and one more beer. When you die to that self and she becomes number one, right? Then brother, you are just planting seeds and you're taking care of that soil. And that sucker is going to grow and grow and grow. And eventually your body's going to say, oh dude, this isn't life-taking.

This is life-giving. We're all in on this thing. And then at some point, brother, you got to risk because every relationship is risk. And so you got to get back in the ring again. 18 months sounds super quick to me. How long have you been divorced? Almost two years. Okay.

Officially divorced, yeah. Yeah. What's the rush, man? I mean, there's no really there's no rush i mean i know as of right now i do want to marry her but i i just figured i'd face it now that that i am i am pretty scared okay so man think of it as the first time you did rifle training and you held that rifle too far from your shoulder and you pulled the trigger and it kicked back and almost took your arm with it right and the only way to do that better the next time is to hold that thing real tight.

And that's scarier for your body. And you do it and you do it and you do it. And then pretty soon you start getting nervous before you pull the trigger on that gun, right? And so it's both and. Honor the fact that your body's terrified of getting into a relationship again. Honor the fact that 18 months is real quick, right? That you're still growing and you're still learning. And also honor the fact that there is no grand adventure in life. There is no deep, reckless, wild, insane love. There is no hard,

seasonal rises with the waves in the ocean, rad 50-year-old marriage that doesn't come with wild, putting it all out there risk. All in, and I'm going all in on you. And in your case, you've been all in before, but you only had like a two and a three and a six, and you went all in because you weren't playing right, and you lost big. And now you're going to have to get better cards.

And you're going to practice those cards and you're going to go all in. Your heart's right, brother. You're in the right place, Dylan. Keep taking baby steps. Keep practicing. And here's another magic thing. Be vulnerable with let your current girlfriend know where your head's at. Hey, we're a year and a half in.

I think you're the person for me forever. And I'm terrified because I screwed it up so bad last time. What are some ways I can continue to get better? Do something real crazy. Go see a marriage counselor with her, a pre-marriage counselor. See if y'all are on the same page. Begin to get some new skills and some more skills and some more skills. Man, I've been married for a long, long time. I'm still learning new skills. It's all about what the seasons are going to bring. And am I ready for the weather when it comes? I? So grateful for your heart, brother. You give me hope, Dylan. So glad you're out there. Dude, as we wrap up today's show, let's go with, you know what is the greatest song of all time.

I love it. I remember when this came out, I remember when this music video came out, I remember thinking this is the greatest song ever. And then I went and saw these guys in concert and they over-delivered. Three dudes, four dudes, I don't remember. A little folk band from the UK. Man, and they released this record, Babble, in 2012. Mumford & Sons took over Red Rocks in the video. And then, man, they were here in Nashville, and they blew the roof off. Never thought a guy with an acoustic guitar and a stand-up bass and a banjo and a piano

could blow smoke out of here. It was like a Pantera show, dude, except it wasn't. The song that took my soul away, took my breath away, my favorite songs of all time, I Will Wait, and it goes like this. Well, I came home like a stone and I fell heavy into your arms. These days of dust, which we've known,

will blow away with this new sun. But I'll kneel down, wait for now, and I'll kneel down and know my ground. And I will wait for you. So break my step and relent. You forgave and I won't forget. Know what we've seen in him with less. Now in some way shake the excess because I will wait for you. Oh my gosh, it's so good. I will wait for you.