The Dr. John Delony Show - Engaged After Two Weeks..Then Married In Vegas

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A woman who got engaged to her fiancé after only two weeks -       A man struggling with sex in his marriage -       A mom wondering if she should force her teens to go to church Next Steps   📞 Ask John a question! Leave a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or click here: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show/ask-a-question 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: https://bit.ly/3EL5ubR 📝 Anxiety Test: https://bit.ly/460QXUp 📚Own Your Past, Change Your Future: https://bit.ly/47q7Skm ❓Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: https://bit.ly/472lIKd 💭John's Free Guided Meditation: https://bit.ly/3MAGpEV ❤️Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway   Offers From Today's Sponsors   -       10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp: https://bit.ly/3seoBCe  -       3 free months of Hallow:  https://www.hallow.com/delony  -       25% off Thorne orders: https://www.thorne.com/u/delony -       Save up to $250 on the Eight Sleep Pod: https://eightsleep.com/delony  -       15% off your Apollo Neuro order: https://apolloneuro.com/pages/delony-lp?utm_source=delony&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=lander -       Save 20% on Organifi orders: https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/WDCVCJ692nIQm8xyiVdjH2?domain=organifishop.com [AP1]    Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈EntreLeadership   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy   Twitter (@johndelony) Instagram (@johndelony) Facebook (facebook.com/johndelony/)

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Broke up with a long-time boyfriend after 10 years and immediately found someone, met online. We decided that we're older adults and we just wanted to get married and just move forward. Family, friends, all freaked out. No, really? Yeah, my friends's having an intervention. What's going on? Hey, everybody, this is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Talking about your mental health, your marriage, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, the good stuff, the tough stuff, whatever you got, I'm here to sit with you and we will figure out what the next right step is. If you want to be on the show, real people going through real challenges, it's 1-844-693-3291. Give me a call, leave a message and we'll holler back girl at you. I ain't no holler back girl. We'll holler back girl at you and then we't no holler back girl. We'll holler back girl at you. And then we will get you on the show and we'll figure out what comes next. Hey, don't forget, please, please, please run over and hit the subscribe and like button and follow us on the Instagrams at John Deloney. All those little thank yous and the likes and the subscribe.

All that makes such a huge difference for everybody. And don't forget money and marriage is coming up in October. It may be sold out by the time this thing gets out, but money marriage go to RamseySolutions.com slash marriage and go check it out. All right, let's go out to down the street, Nashville.

Oh, this is Carly. I've been wanting to talk to Carly. Carly? Yes. What is, I've been wanting to talk to you. We were scheduled to talk to Carly. Carly? Yes. What is, I've been wanting to talk to you. We were scheduled to talk right before the snowpocalypse out here. And we

need to figure this out, right? Absolutely, yes. I know, it kind of snowed us in, didn't it? Okay, so listen. I get like a couple of lines of a call. That's it. I don't get like the, I don't ever hear the message or I don't ever get like the full thing people write in. But the couple of lines I got in anticipation of our call was amazing. And then I wasn't able

to talk to you. And so now you went, you went through with it and I can't wait to hear where everything is. All right, so bring us all up to speed. So I broke up with a longtime boyfriend after 10 years and immediately found someone, met online. We had this connection that was just amazing. For me, being a Christian, I feel like it was a— It was an AOL dial-up connection. That's what it was, but go ahead. All right, it was an amazing AT&T streaming

connection. Alright, so you connected and then? And then we decided that we're older adults and we just wanted to get married and just move forward. Both of us being Christians, we felt that connection through the Holy Spirit and we just knew that we were meant to be together.

Oh no. Amazing. Okay. Alright, go ahead. And then? And then, so family, friends, that we were meant to be together. Oh, no. Amazing. Okay. All right. Go ahead. And then? And then, so family, friends all freaked out. No, really? Yeah.

My friends had an intervention. Yeah. Good for them. Good for them. Yeah. And I know it came from a place of love. My aunt, when we told her at Thanksgiving, was absolutely no. And I had to have a strong conversation with her as well. And because she acts as my mom figure,

my mom passed away about 18 years ago. So my aunt is my mom figure. And so, you know, it's just been kind of strained, those relationships since. But far as the gentleman that I met, you know, we did get married. I know we were supposed to talk actually right before the wedding, but, you know, because of the snow apocalypse, we didn't. So we did get married and, you know, things are still just a little bit weird with the friends and family. But, you know, things are off to a great start. What's his middle name? Wayne. Where was he born?

Same small town as me. Oh, gross. This is like Dawson's Creek. Yeah. We grew up probably four miles apart from each other as children and didn't know. Oh, geez. Yeah. Don't you ever watch Netflix?

Like, don't you watch these murder mystery things? This is how they all start. I know, but I did his background check the second day. I mean, I went ahead, I background checked him. No, you're the one that's going to murder him. You background checked him on day two? Oh, yes, absolutely, absolutely. And, you know, being a mental health professional,

like I'm in a similar field. And so, you know, I've already done his psycho uh you know social like it just even with talking with him seeing you know just for his past relationships how that's how it's formed his personality uh his geniogram i've already kind of connected it i know but you also know you know if you went to grad school you know about confirmation bias you also know that you're not supposed to do diagnostic testing and psychometric mapping of your loved ones because it makes

you that person. Yeah, I know, but I was trying to make sure that I was off to a good start. No, you weren't. You were trying to make sure you had reason to justify this new powerful feeling after just... What happened in your tenure relationship?

We were off and on for several years. He would never commit because he wanted an open relationship. And he basically wanted to go out and sleep with people outside of our relationship. And that was never okay. I'm just kidding. That seems to be the cool thing these days, which, geez louise. I know. So that's a whole other call.

Maybe we should take that call one day. All right, so have you had a moment that's very real and honest and true on the 10-year relationship? Have you sat in that heartbreak yet? Yes. And you probably were sitting in it for a year or two before you actually called it on the relationship. Fair?

Yeah, I was. Or it was dead a long time ago. Right. Okay. Do you understand intellectually why your friends and family rushed to protect you from yourself? I do. Okay. All right.

Like them doing, like, I'm proud that you have those type of relationships because they rushed to stop you from doing something that, statistically speaking, has a very low probability of ending in anything other than heartbreak and hurt, right? Right. So, and I think, I don't know. a very low probability of ending in anything other than heartbreak and hurt right right so and i think i i don't know i'm kind of i think your friends are honorable is what i would say now yeah does that make it any easier like you you know this in relationship counseling like you always tell people don't say something negative about that other person because they might stay together and they're never going to be able to forget what you said about their person. Right.

Yes. Yes. Um, all right. So here we are. You're married. Yeah. Is it blissful and wonderful?

Oh yeah. It was awesome. We went to Vegas and, um, and did it. It was just him and I, and which was awesome. Didn't have to worry about anything,

you know? And so, yes, it I, which was awesome. Didn't have to worry about anything, you know. And so, yes, it was wonderful. Have you reconnected with your friends and your family? Yes. Family is a little bit still, it just feels a little forced, but I'm still just, I'm trying to close my anxiety loop with it. And then, you know, with my friends, it's still, like I said, a little bit weird, but we're continuing to, to get together and, and everything.

I do need to probably just talk with them a little bit by coming up soon, just to make sure that we're, our friendship is so good. You know, I think it would be really special for you to sit down with them and say, Hey, I want to, I want, um, to thank y'all for loving and caring about me so much that you were willing to risk our friendship to protect me. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. And what I did was crazy, and I still think it's right, and this is where we are. Because you're smart enough to look at the data, right?

And you're smart enough to, like, if one of your clients came in and was like, hey, I just got out of this 10-year relationship, and I found the one on the internet, and I'm pretty sure Jesus set this up, you would be like, okay, right? I mean, that would be all of our impulse. And yet here you are. So I don't know. I think that would be a good bridge back to your friends because here's what I don't want you to do. Often couples who are together against the advice of the people in their world.

You build this really tight connected bond over they don't understand. And it's an awesome way to form an initial identity. And you end up on an island. And eventually you go in the bathroom after he just destroys it. And you realize, oh, he's just a dude like everybody else. Or then he's like, oh, I forgot to tell you I was engaged once. Or twice. Twice.

Third time, she said no. And you start finding these things out. Which, by the way, I've been married to the same person for 21 and a half years. And we dated for five years before that. I still these things out, which by the way, I've been married to the same person for 21 and a half years. And we dated for five years before that. I still find things out. I'm like, what? She's like, yeah, the dog. We had another dog that was orange.

Like what? Like, so open, keep your hands open. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. But I want you guys to make an effort to reach back out to those Who have walked with you through chaos And chose to love you enough to say Don't do this, don't do this

And you went and did it anyway And the line I always give my friends is I'll tell you if I think that's stupid Because you've invited me to that And then when you do it I'll sit with you And whatever happens next Right?

So that's kind of where everybody is Right So how can I help? I just started talking I was so excited to talk to you because the note I got said, like long-term relationship, just met somebody new on the internet, getting married today. And I was going to tell you, no, but you did it. So I'll tell you now. Hooray. Here we are. Right. Yeah. Well, the main thing is just making sure that I build the right foundation for our marriage going forward.

And you talking about ending up on the island because of that, of isolating from my other friends, that is important. So I don't want to do like a trauma response bond, you know, with him. I'm going to say something scary. Okay. You do not know him. Okay. You don't know him. Okay. You don't know him. You've seen him naked.

You slept with him. You probably walked in the bathroom after he's been in there. Y'all went to Vegas together. Yeah. But you don't know that guy. And he doesn't know you. Okay. And so I think it's opening, keeping your hands that open,

learning a bunch of facts about somebody rarely means that you know them. And so keeping hands wide open. And I'm going to send you a whole bunch of our questions for humans cards, just to give y'all some conversations to have that you never even thought about having. Okay. I'd recommend y'all read, ask him, here's something I just asked my wife. And I think it'd be perfect for you guys. I asked my wife, and I think it'd be perfect for you guys. I asked my wife. I'm going to tell you something that is kind of embarrassing, has not a lot to do with where you are, but we're going to land in a place I think would be really helpful for both of you. Okay?

And I think this would be helpful to everybody out there who's married, whether it's been 30 years, 20 years, or one and a half days. Like, y'all. Here it is i was having this imaginary conversation with myself which i do probably too often but i especially do every year and i thought what are the two things that i say are the most important things in the world to me i would tell you my faith and my wife my family okay and i also then thought how much money to the tunes of hundreds of thousands of dollars have i put towards my phd work my graduate school my master's degree work my bachelor's degree work so if i was to look at in the books that i read on a regular basis the hours and hours and hours, I just read all the time. In my nerd research that I read, like the journal articles, my time and my money would tell a very different story about what's most important to me.

Okay. And so I hired like a guy who's a former theology, associate dean of a theology university. He's transitioned out and I hired him for a semester. And I said, I want you to write me a course and meet with me every week as though I'm one of your students. And we're gonna do faith 101. I wanna go back to the beginning

and decide, land on a place that I can articulate what this means. And then I went to my wife and I told her what I just told you. I tell everybody in the world, the most important thing in the world to me is you. And yet I spend all my energy reading mental health books. And so I don't know the books that my wife reads. I don't understand those books.

I don't know the podcast she listens to. I don't know the, I don't read all of her short stories that she read. So I asked her, I want you to make me a graduate syllabus of you. What books, what 10 or 15 books should I read that you and I can then go on a date and we can talk about what they meant to me? And maybe the conversation is this book was so terrible. I wanted to set myself on fire as I read it. Give me 10 movies. Give me 10 albums. Give me 10 albums. Give me 10 podcasts

and begin to, like, I want to get to know you, the things that influence you, the things that bring you inspiration, the things that bring you joy. And she lit up, was like, dude, I love this. And then she said, this is scary because what if you come back and say, I don't like you? And I said, I'll never say that. I might say, I don't like you and i said i'm i'll never say that i might say i don't like your books i don't like your podcast um and she was like well i'm not gonna go to pantera with you still and i was like i know i know this it wasn't just a big ruse but i wonder if you sat down with your your new brand new husband and said hey let's take a graduate course in each other that would be me and let's just read the books that made you let's watch the movies that made each other. Let's read the podcast.

Let's listen to the sermons. Let's get to know one another and keep – I think it's cool to put on the table. We actually don't know each other. We know about each other, and, man, we feel electric with feeling. As we begin to establish safety in one another, you're going to be there. You're not going to cheat on me. You tell the truth The excitement will fade so how do we How do we invest in that excitement? How do we invest in eros?

How do we invest in feeling and in that erotic energy in the house? We get to really know each other really well So set that up as a foundation Just call it out. We're going to get to really know each other really well. So set that up as a foundation. Just call it out. We got married. We don't know each other. But I really want to get to know you. And over time,

I'm going to become best friends in the world. And let's get off this island and let's go reconnect with people that we love. Hey, Carly, best of luck to you. You're my neighbor. Come by and see us anytime up here at the shop and at the studios

and call anytime. I have a personal, for whatever reason, I have a vested interest in this thing working out. So don't blow it, Carly. I'm here to help any way we can. Hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a bunch of questions for humans and I'm going to send you Financial Peace University and the EveryDollar app so that y'all can at least start your new marriage and get your finances squared away too. send you a bunch of questions for humans and I'm going to send you financial peace university and the every dollar app so that y'all can at least start your new marriage and get your finances squared away too and that's going to force y'all into some conversations that many couples won't have with one another appreciate you we'll be right back this show is sponsored by better help

October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask

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All right, hey, we're back. Hey, listen, I put out a note, I guess, on a, on a, Kelly, like a few episodes ago, I mentioned, I guess by the time this comes out, it'll be about a month later. I just asked, hey, would people be interested in like a nice leather-bound marriage journal, like strategic planning journal, like the weekly meetings? Like I have never received so much positive. Like it's been unbelievable. Yeah. And so, you know, I gave you the sheet with all the tally marks. I was going to tell you today, easily since then, 40 more.

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean- And that's just on email. Instagram, on, they're just saying hundreds on YouTube. Amazing. Y'all have spoken. We're going to get that thing out and it's going to be incredible. And my hope is it's a gift that will help transform your marriages, make them stronger, let them last, and that you'll be able to pass along to your kids so they can see it. Here's what mom and dad wrestled with. Here's who they were. Here's the things they thought were important. And it will give your kids a little bit of peace as they enter into their relationships into the future. It's awesome. Thank y'all for reaching out, man.

It's the response. It's been overwhelming. All right, let's go out to Chicago and talk to CJ. Hey, CJ, what's up, man? Dr. John, good to hear from you, bro. Oh, my gosh. What's up? How you doing? Dude, I'm doing great. How about you? Hey, I'm doing good.

I'm doing good. I'm talking to you, bro. Let's go. Come on now. What's up? What's up? How can I help, man? All right, so let me walk you through it.

So this, let's talk, let's talk. So this question is going to be a sexual question in nature, just so you know, just so, just so you're aware. Um, so in November, Have you listened to this show ever, ever before? Uh, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I think like half of them are, so it's all good, man. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I just wanted to, I just wanted to, you know, prime me, you know, so you're not caught off guard or anything. Bring it. Who can catch you off guard? That's a tough thing to catch. Yes.

Go for it. Go for it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. So November of 2022, my wife and I got married. We were Christians and virgins when we got married. And that was great. Um, but then

what happened was, um, we quickly found out once, um, we were married that, um, she suffers from a condition known as vaginismus. Um, and, uh, do you need me to kind of walk through what that is? I know, I know. Yeah. It's, it's, uh, I'll say it's common, but it's, I'm trying to think the last I looked, like 7% to 10%-ish or so. It's a sexual pain disorder, right? Yeah. Where there's involuntary vaginal muscle spasms that make penetration impossible or very, very difficult, right?

Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, that's correct. And it also has a really, really high, again, this is the last I've looked and I'm not an expert in this, but it's a really high, um, treatment success rate off the charts. Um, okay. So, so yeah, so y'all, y'all waited for like this one, this one moment, the music plays and then, uh, oh, my wife's in pain. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So actually, we didn't get a chance to do any kind of penetrative sex or anything like that kind of at the beginning. And actually, it took us kind of a few months to figure out what this condition actually is. But the result of that is we have not actually been able to have sexual intercourse the entirety

of our marriage, John. Um, so has she been seeking treatment? Yes. So she's been doing a great job. Uh, once, once we figured out, um, that's kind of what it was, or once we have the suspicion, she started going to the doctor, um, and she got officially diagnosed with that. And then she works with, uh, both a counselor, like a, like sort of a sexual psychologist and also a physical therapist and also like a gynecologist that she works with. Um, so she has kind of a gauntlet of doctors that she's working with, which is great. Okay. But you're working on more than a year plus, right? Is there something, is there something a layer deeper here? Well, um, basically John, my, my question for you, that kind of leads us to now is that how can I be, um, the best husband that I can be, um, right now in this season, um, while she's

working through everything. Cause you know, obviously I have my own, uh, sort of wants and desires, which are, you know, I think perfectly natural and, and, you know, everything I want to have, you know, a full sexual relationship with my wife. Um, but that's just not possible right now. And so, yeah, my question is how can I learn to, to be a good husband, to support and encourage her in this season while also managing my own expectations in this time? Yeah, I don't, I don't, I mean, you're, you're using really elevated, um, almost distant language as a way. And here's what it sounds like. It feels like a, you're using really elevated, almost distant language as a way. And here's what it sounds like. It feels like, A, you're trying to protect yourself.

A, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to talk bad about your wife, which I think is noble and good. And you're trying to very carefully in a very careful culture say, like, I'm dying over here, man. I waited my whole life to have sex with one person and I can't do it And i'm going crazy And I want you to know all three of those things are okay All three of those you're not you're not there's nothing wrong with you, dude The only thing I would say is I think you're doing a pretty Well, I would call a heroic effort, but I don't mean you're being a hero

I'm saying you what you're doing is you're doing something very difficult, which is trying to keep all of this disappointment and frustration at arm's length. Okay. Okay? And in a weird, weird way, you're going to start, your body's going to start taking over because it's going to assume you're not getting the message at how big of a deal this is. And you'll start feeling anxious. You'll start feeling unable to sleep. You'll start getting short and snappy and it will start this weird

dance between you and your wife. So let's, let's put, let's put, um, am I onto something right there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I don't think I'm, you know, it was harder in the beginning when we didn't know what it was, right? Sure. And when she wasn't seeking treatment. Hey, let's be honest. It doesn't happen night one.

It doesn't happen night two. It doesn't happen on your whole honeymoon. Yeah, yeah. You go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and go, oh no, right? Yeah. You're not crazy. And you're not a bad guy for that okay

that's a scary no absolutely what just happened and imagine her she's terrified too right oh sure oh yeah it's it's both here's the challenge are y'all sharing the grief here because here and here's here's the hard part about this if she any conversation you have any frustration any how are things going turn into you being treated like you're accusing her let me put it this way if she is feeling shame guilt fine because of course she wants to be a wife wife that has a wild, fun sexual relationship with her husband. Fair. If it turns into shame and then she blames you for it. And you have to be quiet.

You're learning in year one of your marriage. I need to keep my feelings to myself and shove them down as far as they'll go. Then your marriage is gonna crash if she says hey i can't like my my um for whatever reason my body is terrified of having something from the outside come inside right and it shuts the whole thing down. Is she able to go to OBGYN? I can't remember exactly if it was OBGYN. I think it was

a gynecologist type thing. That's what that is. Shows what I know. It's all good. Is she able to go through a full exam? No. She. Is she able to go through a full exam? No. No, she hasn't been able to.

Okay. All right. All right. Has she walked through – is there any kind of conversation about where this may have stemmed from? In terms of like in her past, no. There's no like abuse history in her past or anything like that. Is there some really heavy religiosity that, um, that could be the case. I mean, we both grew up, you know, as, as Christians and,

you know, really valuing sex. But I think what the pivot is, I think in a lot of Christian culture is sex goes from like a thing that's pretty much bad to something that's great and awesome. As soon as you get married. Right. And I think that's just a really hard like pivot to make, you know, basically like literally overnight. Right. Well, and if it becomes your identity, I'm who I am because there's a thing I don't do. Right. Versus I am who I am because, um, let me, let me say it this way. Like I am strong because

I do squats. Right. And then one day you blow your knee out. Right. One day you blow your knee out. You can't do squats anymore. You begin to ask yourself, oh crap, who am I? But if you say I'm strong because I go to the gym every day and i take care of my i'm a good steward of my body then you blow your knee out and you're like oh that sucks it's the worst and you go through a dip and you go through like a low run and then you go back to the gym you do other things if your identity is i don't have sex before marriage, period. Yeah. And then you do. It destroys who you are versus my identity is I'm a good steward of my body. And I want to stay safe.

And because of the way I want to keep my marriage with a particular level of holiness and I get to choose that, dude, now we're onto something. See what I'm saying? And so there's, there's some identity, like, but here's the deal. She's working with the right people. Um, and as is have is having the conversations with the professionals and working with the professionals. And so I would, I would tell you is rather like the, the, the data, and again, it's been so long and I'm not an expert on this, but the data tells me this is a super, super treatable thing. Okay? So I don't want you to be like, oh, this is forever. My next question for you is, what is sex and intimacy besides penetration?

What's it like? Is it rambunctious and fun and exciting or is the whole thing a terror shutdown? Well, we do pretty well, John, we try, we try to be creative, um, and, uh, you know, do stuff, do stuff other than that, obviously, because, you know, sex is way more than, you know, just that, just that act in and of itself. Um, but I think sometimes what I struggle with, you know, maybe I'm wrong, Like, like I'd love for you to tell me, but you know, there, there are times for me where it just feels kind of, you know, incomplete, right. There are times where I'm like, okay, you know, there's supposed to be something kind of more here. And so I think,

yeah, that's a part that I kind of struggle with, I think, um, at times. Yes. I think that struggle is okay. And the struggle is okay and the struggle is real. Here's where the struggle becomes not okay. When you shut it down and you lock it down and y'all are not able to talk about that struggle together. Okay. And so the challenge is, let me say it this way, and y'all been married a little over a year.

So let me just plant the seed in your marriage now secrets will destroy your marriage you'll kill you okay and that means that we have to learn to hear hard things here's a good example such as my um wife has a book coming out so her life has been chaotic planning the book release part. She's doing independent, not like me. I had a whole team. She's a team of one. Things have gotten chaotic, right?

And we've got school. My son's going to go to high school next year. He's got the school play coming up. My daughter's got X, Y, and Z. I'm traveling all over the country. Things are chaotic. Yeah, yeah. And this morning, we went downstairs and she, of course, her car's got a flat tire.

So she cranks up the farm truck and is going to take the kids to school in the farm truck. I say, no, I'm going to drive the farm truck. You drive my nice car. And she says, okay, great. Hey, you're going to need to stop at the gas station. It's only got a quarter tank left in it. I go, cool. That's easy.

I go downstairs, and I get in the truck, and the light is on. It doesn't have a quarter tank. It has maybe to get me to the end of the driveway, right? Now, she wasn't lying. She wasn't trying to be mean. She wasn't trying to set me up. In fact, she was trying to take one for the team. And she just didn't.

She just forgot. Or maybe the truck gets such bad gas mileage that she was running it for a long time because it's cold this morning. And maybe just burned it down. Here's all this to say. I took a picture and put a smiley face and said, quarter tank, huh? Or something like that. And I made it LOL. A, I shouldn't have done that.

B, she could have taken that as, oh, I'm chastising her. Because she felt embarrassed or shamed. But she didn't because I wasn't chastising her, right? I was telling her, there's not a quarter tank. There's no gas, right? And she wrote back and we had a quick interaction about what comes next. Here's what I'm telling you. You're going to have to be able to say the words, not in the day that we can have intercourse that we can have sex

yeah i can't wait and for her to be able to hear that and say i'm sorry i know i can't wait either i'm working on it and not immediately dump into well well, I feel bad and it's your fault. You made me feel bad. And so then you stop saying what you need and what you feel, right? Cause right now it's about vaginismus. Some days it's going to be about kids. Some days it's going to be about meals. Some days it's going to be about your work schedule. It's going to be about her work schedule. It's going to be about what her promotion, whatever the thing is going to be. And if y'all learn early on, there's just things that I can't say to her because she can't handle it. Or there's things I can't say to him

because he flies off the handle. Then what you do is you end up creating alternative relationships. Does that make sense? Oh, yeah. You've heard me say this, but you end up two inches apart from each other on the couch,

which are 2,000 miles away from each other. Y'all have very different people and had very different marriages. And so the goal is, how can I say some of these things out loud? So I'll ask you, how is she? How is she with the conversation? I think, again, it's gotten better knowing that there's a way out because it's like, you know, at the beginning when we didn't know what it was,

it was definitely like, man, is this going to be forever? Right. Oh, yeah. Terrifying. You know, is this going to be what, is this going to be forever? Right. Oh yeah. Terrifying. You know, is this going to be like what it's going to be like? And then, you know, started doing some, some, some digging as to, you know, what symptoms are and everything. And then there's like a way out. And now, um, you know, now that she's been going to, you know, physical therapy, now that she's been doing all these things, it's like, she's gotten a lot more comfortable with having the conversation, as you say. Um, and, and, and really opening up to, you know, what, what we want in the future and, and, you know, all these things. Is there a, and I'm not asking this in a gratuitous way, I'm asking this in an intimacy way. Um, are you able to participate in physical therapy? Are you able to participate in some of those conversations?

When you say participate, like go to physical therapy or counseling with her? Yep. Yeah. Her counselor actually said just this last time she went that I'm welcome to come along with her as well. Is that something that I should be doing? 1,000%. Okay. Yes.

Because what the counselor is going to do is give you all some language that you can use for one another to combat both the anxiety and the phobia and the shame and to be able to, okay, we're going to go slow. And maybe the first time you get halfway and you stop. Yeah. And how are you going to respond? I'm going to be disappointed and I'm going to be supportive.

Both things are true at the same time. And I'm going to make sure that fill in the blank X and Y and Z. And here's our plan. Here's our exit strategy, right? But yeah, I think that'd be amazing. And maybe you go to counseling and you just are quiet.

And maybe you go to counseling and she has to turn and say, I didn't tell you this about my childhood. And maybe she turns and looks at you and says, hey, I didn't tell you this. But who knows? Who knows? But yes, I think if it's often a veiled invitation,

hey, the counselor said it'd be great if you want to come with me next time. That's her saying, would you please come? so yeah i would definitely go and i would put it out there anytime i can come to physical therapy anytime i can come to any of those appointments i'll do whatever i can to get out of work and come with you okay the same as if this was rehab for a knee the same as if this was she suddenly became incontinent for a while. Right? This is for better or worse for sickness and health. I'm going to be right here with you.

This just is extra sensitive because on the back end, when everything works out, then y'all got to have sex. Right? And it makes the whole thing like, I can't say that out loud. Yes, you can. You can. You can. Yeah. Okay. I'll tell you. say that out loud. Yes, you can. You can. You can. Yeah. Okay.

I'll tell you, your spirit's impressive. I appreciate you. Because it sounds like you really honor and love this woman. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With all my heart, John. I mean, I've, you know, we all had a picture.

You know, we both had a picture of what we thought, you know, we wanted things to be like in terms of sex and all that stuff, especially as, you know, Christians and virgins and stuff. And it, it just wasn't that. And so, um, you know, to be on this journey, I guess a journey, I suppose you'd call it, you know, it's been, uh, nobody wants to go on. Nobody wants this journey. Nobody wants this. No, no, absolutely. Yes. No, no, no. People opt into like, let's climb out everest people did not opt into this one right um but but here you are that's right and so i the only thing i'll challenge you on is to not use distancing language okay you love your wife and man she's a trooper she's a brave woman going like all those appointments those things suck dude having all these conversations is the

worst and she i promise she hates. And she hates the doctor. She hates the doctor, John. Oh, man. Get another doctor. Just in general. Get another doctor. I mean, no, no, no. Like just in general.

Like, you know, any doctor. She hates like taking medicine when she has a cold. Like that's how she is. And it sounds like, again, I don't want to be an armchair because we're two or three people removed here, but it sounds like that any foreign object entering your wife, whether it's a pill, whether it's you, whether it's anything, an OBGYN, whether it's a tampon, whatever it happens to be, her body says no. Yeah, that's right. Her body says no. And so – Yeah, that's the hard thing too because at the beginning I thought it was like – I thought it was me.

That's right. It felt like a rejection of me, right? Yes, yes. But I know now that it's not that. Most men never get over what you just said, so I'm proud of you. That you didn't make her pain all about you. Good for you. And, dude, you can be really disappointed that you're not having sex.

That sucks. It just does, right? Yeah. Both things are true. I'm proud of Right. Yeah. Both things are true. I'm proud of you. Yeah. Keep walking with her. Keep holding her hand as much as,

as she is comfortable with you participating in any like counseling PT, any of that, um, accept that invitation and, and do whatever she can. But I want to challenge you both to create a world where, um, can we say the disappointments out loud can we say our frustrations out loud can we say the things

that break our heart and make us sad out loud the same as we're going to say the wins out loud i know married couples who when somebody gets a big bonus they can't even tell their spouse because spouse gets jealous like how can we create a world where it's okay and i know that when you say did you like that meal you'd be like i still wasn't my favorite have we discussed what's the best way you want to hear news that's going to be hard for you to hear she might say not in the moment she might say never never tell me that ever and be be like, well, we can't do that. She may tell you, just give it to me. But just be kind about it.

You don't have to be a jerk. Whatever the thing is, come up with that plan inside your home. Because unfortunately, I wish I could tell you, man, after this, it's just all going to work out. There's going to be challenges that hit y'all all the way through. That's just the nature of marriage, nature of all relationships. Work, family, friends, romantic, all of them. Whew. And for everybody else who's listening to this, if there is any sort of sexual pain,

sexual discomfort, if intimacy hurts, please, please go see somebody. Go talk to somebody. Talk to a licensed professional. You're worth that conversation. As embarrassing it might be, as hard as it might be, as uncomfortable as it might be, you're worth that conversation. Go have that conversation. You're worth it. Thanks for the call, CJ. Call me anytime, brother. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate.

And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging

from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline.

Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to San

Antonio and talk to Veronica Mars. Hey, Veronica, what's up? Hello. How are we doing? I'm doing good. Thank you. How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you for hopping on here. We had somebody cancel last minute and I appreciate you joining us. What's up? I hope I don't come as just thinking about myself in this call, but I guess I might need some hard truths. My question is... Hold on, Veronica. Hold on. Veronica, before you ask, who told you that thinking about you is bad? What?

Somebody told you that just thinking about Veronica is no good. I know. I was not expecting that. Who told you that? After listening to the previous call, it's kind of hard to think, well, you know, why am I just thinking about my perspective? So I said, I may hear some hard truth in this call, but I said, we'll find out. I think your perspective matters, but go ahead. All right, go ahead.

Go for it. Yes. Yes. I mean, it's important to me, and that's the reason why I sent this question. So my question is, should I continue to force my teenage sons to attend church? We've been having this discussion for a long time where I have to be nagging, where I have to be telling them we're going to mass at a specific time. Like that's the only thing that I kind of won't let them get out of in addition to going to school. But it's this constant battle and this debate,

especially with my 15-year-old son, who I think the more I push it, the more resistant they are. And I really don't want to push them away from religion or from having or finding a connection, you know, with God, but I just don't know which better way to get them closer, or, and I know that, you know, well, I come from a religious family, but I have found throughout the years, especially as I'm older, that just having this church connection gives me some food for my spirit, and that has helped me so much on the hard times. So my hope for them is that whenever they're older and they're going through hard times, or even now,

that if they lose hope in the world, that they can just, you know, be able to say, God loves me and kind of reach out, have that kind of connection. But I'm not sending the message. I just feel like we just keep talking about it and there's no agreement. We're not going anywhere with this. Hey, we're not going anywhere with this. Okay. Hey, you're not crazy. It's a great question.

And I promise you, millions and millions and millions of moms across the country are asking themselves that same question. So thank you for being brave. What's dad's opinion on all this? Well, he says, actually, yes, he supports my statement. Sometimes I've been having to call and

say, hey, can you please talk to them or something, right? So he supports the fact that, yes, they need to continue. Yes, they need to continue. Yes, they need to go. But the example shows a different way. That's all I care about. Yeah.

Because your kids see you. Your boys see you. When things get tough in your life, they see you pray. They see you go to church. They see you talk to your church friends. When things go sideways in their dad's life, they do not see that. They see him turn to other things. So it doesn't matter what he's saying. It matters what he's doing. I had one great psychologist that I worked with as part of a practicum. And he told me, Dr. Gomez,

he told me, kids don't listen to you. They watch you. So if you want a particular behavior out of your kids, if you want to treat people right, treat people with honor and dignity, if you want them to work hard, then you work hard and you treat people with dignity and respect. If you want people, if you want your kids to believe that faith is a central part of a well-lived life, then they have to see that reflected in their parents.

Otherwise, it's just a thing I got to get up and go do on Sunday morning and I'm tired. Yeah. And so, I don't like the word force.

Okay? and so I don't like the word force, okay? But you have every right to say, if you're going to live in my house, you're going to live by my rules, and in my house on Sunday morning, we go to church. The conversation's over. We're not having the conversation anymore. It's what we do.

Okay. And you're going to write with me. Yes. And I think it's fair to say when you're 18, you can choose to make the choices that you want to make. When they're 18 and out of my house, because if I'm, they're still my dependent. That's right.

And if they graduate high school and they decide to not go to college and they're just going to crash at mom's house, cool, every Sunday morning, you're going to come to church with me. Yes. And you have to make peace with they're growing men and they are looking at dad as to what am i supposed to look like on a day-to-day basis and so they're gonna take a large um like that's gonna be the picture that they just naturally want to emulate. And so maybe the bigger conversation is with your husband.

Maybe not. Maybe that's a fruitless conversation. You may have had that a million times. But here's – I have no data to back up what I'm about to say, okay? This is anecdotal. But what I notice a lot is, barring some sort of like assault or like a big internal trauma, okay? What often matters for kids in their continuation of participating in faith activities, still believing and not only just, I believe in God, but living that out,

including church attendance. Often it's congruence. Do you know what that word means? Yes, congruence as far as... Basically, is my mom and dad the same person at home as they are pretending to be in this church building place? Yes. Okay. I get it.

And in church, if they're sitting there and the pastor is saying, you have to ask for forgiveness. And you go home and mom and dad never ask for forgiveness. If they go to church and they say, you have to have mercy. You have to keep your eyes open for people on the margins that society has kicked to the side and you have to invite them into your home. Then they come home and all they hear is you making fun of people who are different than you, who have less than you, who have different ways of seeing the world than you, then it's incongruent.

It doesn't match. Yes. And they don't want anything to do with the lack of congruence, the lack of things matching feels unsafe to a kid. So they opt out. Yes. And then they just do what they see. And if they see dad with a 12 pack on Saturday nights and kind of stumbling through the morning unshaven, grabbing a cup of coffee, that's the road they're going to take.

That's the map they have. I think part of what they say is the incongruence that they see. I mean, not with the family activity as much. I mean, I can see several areas, but, uh, but with just the religion in general. Yeah. And some of that is, I want 15 and 16 and 17, 18 and 25 I want people to have that. Yeah. Cause a lot of times churches have completely failed in that. They are incongruent. They're, they're, they're, they're embarrassing and disgustingly incongruent they're they're they're embarrassing and disgustingly incongruent yes how often have you seen people or heard churches and you think are we reading the same

book right so they're right they're right and they're also by the way faith feels really heavy to you they're also noticing this with their politicians and they're noticing this with their teachers. Oh, definitely. Right. It's different when you're 17 and you start to recognize a hangover and then you see your social studies teacher come in one, one Monday morning. You're like, Oh, right. Oh, you're a person.

Yep. Right. And so you, you, they're, they're, they're coming of age to be able to see the world begin to slowly see the world as it really is and picking on church the bunch of hypocrite and that's that's an easy thing that doesn't bother me when a 15 year old or a 16 year old or a 25 year old says 15 or 16 or 25 year old things it's okay what i want you what what i'd love for them is to be able to articulate it and for you to be honest yeah the bible does say they're going to know each other

by how we love one another and we are really mean to other christians we're awful we are supposed to take care of widows and orphans and we don't. Or maybe we do. Maybe we do. Right? But I think it's being honest about those things. And when your kid feels heard and they don't feel like you're trying to cover up the, like you're a politician trying to cover up the negative stuff and just like, look at the good, look at the good, look at the good. Then they're more willing to sit in that authenticity.

Yep, there is some evil out there. There is some evil out there. There is some folks who claim one thing and they're living completely different. You're right. There's a lot of that on both sides of the aisle. It's just all over the place. And as for me and my house, this is who we're going to be. Yeah, I think it's a hard thing for me to set boundaries with them or rules, hard rules.

So this has been probably the area where I have the most hard rules about them continuing to attend. Why are you scared to love your kids with boundaries? I don't know. I love my kids with boundaries. Wow. The greatest gift you can give your boys is boundaries. It's the greatest gift.

Okay. I'll see it as a gift and not as a gift. And Veronica, I grew up four hours from you. I grew up four hours from you. I know. It's hard. It's very, very hard. And you feel like every time I put up four hours from you. I know. It's hard. It's very, very hard. And you feel like every time I put up a boundary,

I am severing my relationship with them. You're not. You're building deep, deep roots. And 16-year-olds say 16-year-old things like, that's stupid. Oh my, are you freaking kidding me? They say stuff like that because they're 16. That's why as a society, we don't let them vote or buy beer

because they're 16 that's why as a society we don't let them vote or buy beer because they're 16 right i think and it's also because it's so different than than the way i grew up right so i would never dare to say anything back to my parents you know or or say it's a waste of my time or, you know, so it, so I guess the change is also kind of hard. The expectation of how come you're pushing back so much? Here's why, here's why kids push back. Cause they want to see if it's going to hold. Yep. That's true.

They want to see if it's going to hold. Well, these are persistent teenagers. Oh, absolutely. But here's the thing. You cave a lot, don't you? Yes. Yes. Yes, I have.

So why wouldn't they push? That's how you've trained them. And by the way, that's going to make them a lot of money when they become salesmen. It's going to make them powerful CEOs. We can't do it. It's impossible. And they're going to be like, nothing's impossible. Right? That's how you train them. But you also have to show them there are things in relationships that I don't move on. If you live in my house, we go to church on Sunday. It's just how that rolls here.

If you live in my house, we're going to fill in the blank. Any number of things, fill in the blank there. In my house, you can swear and run your mouth out with your buddies. I can't stop you out there. In this house,

we don't curse at each other, period. In this house, everybody sits around the table for dinner, period. in this house we don't curse at each other period in this house everybody sits around the table for dinner period in this house we turn the phones off at this time period and make those boundaries that's so dumb i can't even believe it's a waste of time hypocrite all right okay you say whatever you want i don't care if you like me i need you to know that i love you and my job is to keep you safe For as long as I can In whatever way I can

And so you're right on I again I bristle at the word force I want to back up So I guess at the end of the day like they keep pushing and pushing You can't force a 16 year old into a car. He's a big kid Like physically I cannot force you into this I can force my eight-year-old daughter she's little and i've got bigger muscles than her but boundaries are good and if they choose i'm not getting in that car and i'm not going to church

cool you've chosen to any number of consequences i I'm going to hold you accountable. And you made that choice, teenager, not me. So we're going to go. And then maybe the harder conversation is, Dad, are we living on a day-to-day basis the things that we are saying we value to these kids? And I know that's a tough conversation. It's really tough. Love your kid with boundaries.

Be firm. Let them see, hey, this is important to mom. Hopefully dad gets on board and says, I'm going to start living this too. That's tough, man. Teenagers are tough. Hang in there, Veronica. We're lucky to have you. Put up some boundaries and hold firm.

They're worth it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour. Just us two. And we're putting a new twist on this thing.

We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships. And we're going to tell stories y'all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible fun night, but every night is going to be totally different because you, the audience are going to help choose what we talk about. You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025. And then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn. And if we do our jobs right, you're going to change your life. Get your tickets for the money and

relationships tour today at ramsaysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we're back. Hey, I asked you guys to send me cool things that are happening. Good stories. So much of this show is about stuff that's hard and people are struggling. I asked you to send in and y'all sent some amazing stories. So, new segment time called Cool Stuff That Happened.

We have it as Cool Crap That Happened. Cool Crap That Happened. C-C-T-H. All right. C-C-T-H. All right. All right. Let's do it. All right. Hi, John. This is Jessica from Yakima, Washington.

That was the nicest you've ever said hi, John. Because it was someone else's. You were pretending to be somebody else. Yeah. It's the nicest that phrase, hi, John, has ever come out of Kelly's mouth. I'm writing because I want to share some cool crap that happened. My bestie and I are loyal listeners, and we have had your books, and our families play questions for humans on a regular basis.

Our cool crap that happened is that your show with Michael Easter really inspired us to get rucking. Our rucks came in about three weeks ago, and we have been rucking ever since. Then we got even more inspired and are now doing the Susan G. Komen Foundation 60-mile walk in three days in November to help raise funds to fight breast cancer. Wow. So from Team Mother Rucker in Yakima, Washington, keep on rocking till the break of dawn. Thank you for your show. We laugh, we cry, and man, do we learn a lot. That's amazing. Look at that cool stuff. Way to go. And my good buddy, man, Michael Easter, he's just out there changing the world slowly and surely. But good for y'all.

That's awesome. Man. And from someone who's had breast cancer, thank you to Jessica and her friend very much. I appreciate that. Team Mother Rucker. Isn't that awesome? Got to say that one slow.

Got to say that slow. Hey, love y'all. Stay out of trouble. Go to school. Bye. gotta stay that slow hey love y'all stay out of trouble go to school bye