The Dr. John Delony Show - Family Issues: A Lame Husband, a Desperate Brother, & a Newlywed Son

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode I caught my husband in an "almost" affair just following a three-year separation. I am just tired of his crap. Teaching Segment: Moving Past Infidelity My brother seems to be struggling in life and I don’t know how to help him. He tells me he wants to harm himself and then says he doesn’t want my advice. We're asking our son and daughter-in-law to move in with us to help them pay off debt. What things do I need to be concerned with so this is successful? Lyrics of the Day: "Babylon" - David Gray tag: infidelity, marriage, family parenting These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we talk to a 55-year-old woman who is struggling with an unhappy marriage. We talk to an awesome big brother who's trying to figure out how to help his struggling younger brother. And we talk with an awesome dad whose son's getting married, and he wants to know how he can help them move back in without causing chaos in a new marriage. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, good folks? This is Deloney. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I said my name backwards.

I don't even know why I did that. This is Deloney, John, with the Dr. John Deloney Show, where I take your calls about your life, your relationships, your marriages, that guy you're dating, schools, kids, all of it, right? All of it. We talk about mental health challenges, family and relational IQ, anything you can think of, addiction, parenting, all of it is right here taking your calls about your life. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291.

That's 1-844-693-3291. And here's the thing. I know somebody is driving their car right now listening to this. And things are real, real hard. And I know that somebody is vacuuming, listening to this in their earbuds, or you're like me and you've got headphones with cords still on them, because evidently that's so old-fashioned. And you're vacuuming and things are real, real hard. And some of you put on headphones because your kid won't stop crying and you just got to block it out. And some of you are walking around the neighborhood right now to avoid your

family. And I get it. Here's what I want to encourage you and challenge you. It's hard right now. The adrenaline of the election is wearing off. The exhaustion from COVID just won't stop. Our kids are slowly getting some emails around the country that school is going to kick back up just in time for spring break and just in time for workplaces are figuring it out. Things are hard and messy. We've got a whole bunch more decisions to make. And I want to encourage you. Reach out and talk to somebody that you love. Don't do life by yourself. to make and I want to encourage you. Reach out and talk to somebody that you love.

Don't do life by yourself. Shoot me, send me one of the, I think the kids call them the DMs, right? Send me a direct message on Instagram. Shoot me an email at askjohn at ramseysolutions.com Go to the show page, johndeloney.com slash show.

Fill out the form and I'd love to get you out here. But here's the thing. Don't do life by yourself. And the final thing, don't give up. Don't give up. And sometimes it's me on this show. There's the pot talking to the kettle here. Take another step and another step and another step.

Life's hard and it's long and it's exhausting and sometimes just flat out boring. But keep going. Find people to do it with. And I tell you what, man, there's light at the end of that tunnel. And as my friend Dave says, it's not a train. There's a light at the end of that tunnel and it is peace. People often ask me like, what is peace, man? What does that do? Here's what peace is. Peace is just laying down at night and going to sleep. Peace is finishing your dinner and looking at your kids and realizing I don't have to worry about, I don't have a bunch of extra bills.

My wife and I are on the same page. Like, let's just go outside and play. Peace is your wife saying, hey, I just need some time by myself and you smiling and going sweet. We're going to have a good time, me and the kids. Or you go have fun, I'm going to go have fun and then we'll circle back and there's not any tension, not any,

is there a problem or things work? That's what peace is, man. And so many of us don't even know what that feels like. It's just a fantasy. It's not even real. So here's what I want to encourage you. Just take another step. Take another step. It's boring. I. Just take another step. Take another step.

It's boring. I know. Take another step. I'm exhausted. I know. Phone a friend. Go see somebody. And then take another step.

If I vacuum this floor one more time, I know. I know. Take another step. And you know that I'm talking to you. Right now, you just thought, is he talking to me? Yes, I'm talking to you. Right now you just thought, is he talking to me? Yes, I'm talking to you. And if this isn't you, if you are just doing awesome, if life is going really good for you right now, pause this podcast and then call somebody. Call somebody that you know isn't doing well because they're going to surprise you. They're

going to be open to you. They're going to be vulnerable with you. They're going to let you know some stuff's going on in their heart and mind, and you're going to be that person for them. So pause right now. I'm probably the only podcast in podcast history to tell people to turn this off and go do something else. Turn it off and go call somebody. Then you can always come back. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm probably going to be telling the same story when you get back. So just take all the time you want on the phone call. All right. So that's it. So let's go right to the phones today, man. Let's just get to it. Let's go to Patty in Cleveland, Ohio. Patty, my love, what's going on? How are we doing? I'm doing good. Thanks for taking my call, Dr. Galoni. Thank you so, so much for calling. How can I help? Well, I'd like to know

what I can do to move forward progressively. I caught my husband having an online affair two years ago, and I'm still not over it. Ah, okay. So walk me back to that moment when you caught him. What happened? Well, I think the Holy Spirit was urging me to look in his laptop, and I did, and right there it was. And I screenshot it all, confronted him with it, and I thought we had just reconciled after three years of separation. He didn't deny it. He said, I don't know what's wrong. Maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis. He ended up going to a psychologist for a good probably four months, and then she dropped him.

Something came up in her life, and he never went back. I went to marriage counseling on my own. Good for you. And she gave me some tools, you know, how to work through it. But I just, that trust has been betrayed, and I don't know how to get it back. I just don't know how. So you were separated from him. Why were you all separated?

Mental and physical abuse, and he's got a drinking problem. Okay. So you've got, you're not psychologically safe, or you weren't for a period of time. You were not physically safe, and then you left. You got back together, and how long were you together before you found out that he was cheating on you? We were back together probably about a year, 18 months. Okay. And this is all two years ago, so fast forward to now. What's the state of your relationship right now? It's much more loving, but I find myself whenever we're in a public situation that I am very aware of who else is in the room, in the establishment. I find myself watching him intently, taking everything he says directly to heart and not brushing it off,

especially if he starts drinking. And I just, I'm getting to the point where I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Do you want to be in this relationship? Yes, yes. And that's part of the problem. I do want to be in this relationship. I'm 55. This is my second marriage, his fourth marriage. Yeah, but not failing is not a reason to stay in an unsafe, abusive, alcoholic, cheating marriage. Oh, yeah. He has not done any of the above aforementioned since I busted him. Okay. It's just, I can't seem to get over that hump and to let the trust come or not. And, you know, give him enough rope, is he going to hang himself?

It's not the most encouraging analogy of this guy you're trying to rebuild with. I'm going to see if he'll just kill himself. Not a super firm foundation to rekindle a marriage on. Here's the thing. Kudos to you, right? Kudos to you, Patty, for owning this. One of the biggest challenges in relationships when there's infidelity, when there is a separation of any kind, right?

A violation of values is this idea of we're going to come back together. And then once we come back together and you say, I'm all in, I am pushing all my cards on the table, I'm all in back on you. Then that means you are committing to doing the work on your end too,

to rebuild trust, to allow yourself to be trusted, right? Because you still don't trust Patty, right? To learn to trust him and you're not doing that. So you passed my initial test, which is do you even want to be in this relationship anymore? Why don't you just get out and move on, right? And your answer to me was, because I'm 55

and this is two for me and four for him, are you okay just being roommates and riding this thing out? That's kind of what we've been doing. Why are you settling for that? You're halfway done, Patty. I know. I think there's something more in the horizon. I think there's something that I the horizon I think there's something that that

I am meant to stay in this relationship I have been praying and praying and praying and I've asked I've asked and asked do I stay do I go do I divorce do I what do I do and then I went to the the Ramsey Solutions and I started listening to your podcast. And I went, you know what? I'm going to ask him. So Patty, when's the last time you woke up early before he gets up? And you went and cooked something that he loves. And he came in all snotty and gross and making old man noises. And you went up and grabbed his chin and you looked him in the eye and said, I love you. I want you to know that. When's the last time that happened?

Oh, I do that darn near every weekend. I'm a day shift person here too, but I get up at 3.30 in the morning. He doesn't get up until 8. I start work at 6. He starts at 8.30. So when's the last time he got up before you, made you breakfast, and looked you in the eye and said, honey, I love you. I'm so glad that you stuck through my stupidity and my heartbreak and my addictions and my problems. And I'm so glad we're still here.

I would say back when we first got together because he doesn't think he's got a problem. Okay. You told me he doesn't anymore, and I trust you. I don't believe you, but I trust you. Those aren't two things. He doesn't think he's got a problem. He's maintained. There's no more abuse.

The drinking has gone down to minimal. Patty, you don't want to let this go. No. And I'm asking you why. Because I love him. No, no, no, not the relationship. Why won't you let go of the

just the sandbags you're carrying around from the last five, six, seven years. Why won't you just let it put it down and head off into tomorrow? Good question. I've tried that. I actually have tried to just let it go and move forward. No, no, no. It's not an ethereal thing.

It's not an ethereal thing. It's not something that you just declare. Like that one Office episode where Michael Scott comes out and he's like, I declare bankruptcy. It's like, that's not an ethereal thing it's not something that you just declare like that one office episode when michael scott comes out and he's like i declare bankruptcy it's like that's not how that works there's a lot of forms there's seven years you get right it's a lot of stuff but there's something about you that is hanging on to that past and here's the thing it's not weird that you are you were hurt in a lot of different ways. You were married to somebody who was an alcoholic. Those are hard, hard relationships because those are disconnection issues. That's hard.

You've been through the trauma. There's a part of your brain that is protecting you 24-7 from this guy, right? Yeah. And then there's the other part of you that says, I love him. I'm going to ride or die with this dude for as many years as I got left I'm 55 so I'm about halfway done right because you're gonna live to be 110 Clevelanders just live forever right I don't know if that's true I just made that up for 100 years all right so you got what 45 left right so here's the. You have to make this choice. Do I want to live however many years I got left teeter-tottering on this relationship?

Should I stay? Should I go? Or am I going to cash everything in and go all in? And here's what go all in means. Go all in means I'm going to be vulnerable. And vulnerability is like if you go look up vulnerable in the dictionary, it means exposed. And exposed means,

it's like I have a little puppy right now and that little puppy, when she's wrestling with mother dog, when things get really tense, she'll just roll over on her back. She is exposed. That big dog could bite a hole in her tummy and it would be all she wrote for that puppy dog.

Right? So exposed means I'm opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt again. And that's what a marriage is. That's what a relationship is. I am going to put all my cards on the table. I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to tell you I love you and I'm still struggling. And then what you're going to do is you're going to give yourself an opportunity to be fully, fully loved by this guy.

But here's the other edge of that sword. You're going to give yourself an opportunity for him to say, I don't love you like that, and I'm out. Right. Right? And so here's the— Right, and that would push me forward, yeah. Well, it's not so much that you don't need to push forward. You just need to make a decision.

Am I all in? And all in means at some point somebody's got to go first. Do I think it should be you? No, but he's not going to. So it has to be, right? Right. Right. You are right.

So what I want, I can hear in your heart you're at a breaking point, right? You're at a, it's got to be something other than this. Either I got to just sit down on this lawn chair and say, this is the bait I'm going to fish with, or I'm going to cut the line and I'm going to start over. And nobody wants to start over at 55, but I'm telling you what, you don't want to be 70 or 62 and have wife number five pop along. You don't want to be 62 and have the old demons of abuse come back

without having gone all in and had a conversation about how are we going to live this thing differently? A friend of mine, she was in her second marriage. In fact, she was a wonderful, wonderful person. She told me something and gave me a reference point

for being a late life second marriage that I just loved. Here's what she said. She said, I'm not going to build another life with somebody. I did that. I was with somebody. We raised kids. We moved from the starter home to the other home and we had a car and we wrecked a car. We did all that stuff.

We built a life. And then he passed away. And so the way she shifted her view of the second marriage, right? And she was 50, 55. The way she shifted that view was, I'm going to have somebody in my life and we are going to have more fun. We're going to burn every bit of tread off these tires until we're done, until it's all over. So they are at the lake every week. They are laughing and smiling and carrying on and dealing with each other's arthritis

and whatever stuff comes up, and they drop off each other at the doctor's appointments. They have a totally different view. They are not trying to recreate the notebook. They are trying to love one another and have a blast. And that starts with a conversation, right, Patty? That starts with you having this conversation. Here's how I want it to go.

I want you to let your husband know, hey, we're going to have a DTI. It's what the kids, no, DTR. That's right. It's what the kids call it. We're going to have a define the relationship. And he's going to look at you cross-eyed because if you were my wife, I'd look at you. I don't even know what that means, honey. We're going to have a DTR. It's what the kids are doing, honey. And then I want you and him, this is old school, Deloney. I want y'all to go get breakfast together. And I want you to tell them, I'm going all in. It's been a couple of years.

It's been a year, two years since you came back. I've hedged my bets. You hurt me in the past. You know that. We're not going to go all over that again. You have healed from your abusive past. You've quit drinking so much. I'm trusting you that you're not cheating on me anymore.

And I'm ready to go all in. Here's what that's going to look like. And I'm being vulnerable here. You can really hurt me right now, so be gentle. But I want you to love me like crazy. I want you to get up early every once in a while and make me breakfast. And I want you to tell me that I'm beautiful. I want you to tell me that you're so glad that I'm waking up in the bed next to you, even when my breath stinks, even when my hair looks crazy, all of that. And I want you to love me like this.

And Patty, you deserve that conversation. You deserve that sort of marriage. And my hope, hope, hope is that he looks at you and his eyes tear up and he says, oh, Patty, I'm all in. And he says, I was embarrassed and ashamed for how I treated you in the past and I've been struggling to come back. And now that I hear that you're all in, I'm all in too, baby. I'm all in. And here's what that's going to look like. But just keep one eye open because here's

what could happen. He could say, I'm not, I'm not going to do that. And then you're going to have a decision to make, but at least you know, right now you're drowning in ambiguity and at least you'll know. So while we're here, thank you so much for that call, Patty. I'm grateful for you. I really want to know how that conversation goes and I want to know what the next steps. And hey, before I leave this, Patty, I got to just say this. So many folks I talk to all day after day after day. I just want to know what God wants me to do. I just, I met with a pastor and I just, what am I supposed to do? I've been thinking about these things. I just don't know what to do. I just, just take a step. Just take a step. We get so paralyzed by what's the next step. We get so paralyzed by what God is asking us to do. We get so paralyzed by fill in

the blank, just take the next step and know that love and trust are things you practice. Titanic lied to us. The notebook lied to us. You just got to practice it. And then you got to negotiate what that even looks like together. And that starts with that vulnerable conversation. Again, while we're here, let's talk real quick. The hardest thing about moving past infidelity is twofold. Number one, you lose trust in somebody else, right?

They violated your core values. You said you would be there. You said I was the only one and you violated that. And when someone cheats on you, when someone violates your covenant, you lose trust in yourself. Why did I not see this coming? How could I have been with somebody who was going to be like that? I should have known. Now I don't trust anything. Every time he says he's going to the store, I just think, oh, who's he with? Every time she says, hey, I'm just going to the gym. I just like, oh, who's she with? And you just make yourself nuts, right? regrets right so here's the thing infidelity tells us a lie which is you're replaceable well that's not really a lie technically you are right technically somebody can walk in and say you

know what you weren't the one for me i'm out that's so scary and so we at the when you're thinking about coming back from infidelity you got to remember every relationship starts with risk, not with certainty, with risk. If it's all guaranteed, man, there's no desire there. If it's all guaranteed, there's no passion there. That's like a relationship with a math teacher. Like I know she's going to be there. I'm going to be there, right? My business professor, my law professor, I know she's going to be there. I'm going to be there. Man, that's not a deep, powerful, strong covenant marriage relationship, right? So if you're going to stay with somebody after infidelity, right? I don't tell people to get divorced except in very rare situations. Here's the deal. If you decide I'm going to stay, you got to be all in.

You can't go part ways in. And I know that sets you up to get hurt again. And that's like swimming upstream, right? You can get hurt again. You can drown because you're going back in that same lake. If you decide you want to forgive, to stay, to rebuild, you've got to do just that. Rebuild something new. You can't go back to what was, right? So Patty, you're not trying to reclaim what happened before you found your husband's stuff on the phone. You're not trying to reclaim what once was. You're building something new. Whether you're 25, 45, 55, 85, you're building something new. You've got to look at it like we are building a new tower together. We're not going to sweep up all the old dust and ash and glass and twisted metal and try to rebuild it with that materials. Nope. We're going to excavate that

site. We're going to build something new and we're going to do it together. And I see it all the time when someone says, I'm going to stay with them. I'm going to stay with that woman, but they only stay part ways, and you're just shooting a hole in the lifeboat. If you're going to be all in, you're going to be all in. You're going to have to get a couple of friends who are going to walk alongside you because it's hard to rebuild trust. You're going to have to have people you can reach out to. You're probably going to need a marriage counselor to walk you through this. If you ask any marriage counselor worth their salt, what's one of the most common and less worrisome things you can work back from, they'll tell you infidelity. Marriage counselors are not scared of couples coming back from that because they do it all the time, but they both have to decide. We're both all in. We're going

to address the underlying issues. We're going to get to the root of some of these challenges, and then we're going to build something new. We're going to be all in. You can do it. Thank you so much for that call, Patty. I'm grateful for you. I look forward to hearing how that call went. Let's go to Will in Florence. What's up, Will? How can I help? Hey, how are you doing today? I'm good, brother. Good. Hey, thank you for taking my call. I really appreciate it. You bet, man. So what's up? So I would love to hear your perspective and get your advice on how I can help my younger brother out. He's having a lot of trouble just really getting his life together and doesn't really listen to what other people are saying. I would love to hear your perspective. Give me a little more information. If he doesn't listen to you, this is a pretty short call because I'll just tell you, yeah, he won't listen to you, man.

So what is your role? What is your influence in his life and what is he struggling with? Sure. So in the past, he's had a very wild lifestyle, like all the drugs and lots of different people sleeping around, stuff like that. Yep. Um, and he sounds a lot like James Childs, a lot like James back in the booth. Yeah. And he's, um, he says he's moved on from that, but he's never really moved forward, if that makes sense.

So he's having trouble holding onto a job and, um, he, uh, so like he'll have a stressful day at work and say, well, that was a stressful day. So I need to take the next week off. And, you know, there's the can't hold on to a job. And so he is just really having trouble moving forward. And we have a good relationship. And he says, like, he really looks up to me. And he, you know, my opinion means a lot to him.

And so I try to help him out and give him coaching. And he knows all of the right things to say. So I always, for the last several years, I'll talk to him about something and say, okay, here's a plan. Here's what we can do to get you in a better place. And he'll say all the right things that I feel encouraged. And then he just doesn't do it. How old is he? And he'll say all the right things that I feel encouraged. And then he just doesn't do it. How old is he? He's 25.

And so all of this kind of came to a head maybe a couple weeks ago now. He texted me at like midnight and was just like, I just want to die, man. I just can't do this anymore. And I was trying to talk to him and calm him down. And I said, well, are you wanting to hear what I have to say this time? And he goes, no, I don't want to hear it. And so he was like, I just want to get stuff off my chest. So I think he's, you know, it's like he wants to listen, but he knows he's not going to do it either.

You know, he knows the right things to say, but he's just not going to do it. Are you in a place where you can meet with him in person? Yes. Okay. So I'm going to break your heart, and then you're going to – I'm going to give you some tools, okay? Mm-hmm. The truth is you can't help your brother other than connecting with him and letting him know that you love him. He doesn't need another plan.

He doesn't need another routine. It's not because he doesn't have the right planner. It's not because the right background music isn't playing during his workout. It's none of those things. The behavior you're telling me about tells me there's a history of demons there, some of which you probably know from your childhood together, some of which you probably have no idea about. And, dude, he needs a brother that's going to love him

and that's going to hold him accountable and that's going to love him and that's going to love him. And sometimes that love means you know where I'm at. Sometimes that love means if you, so that's the hard part, right? You can't help him. He's not missing a plan, okay? He's going to have to make some decisions on his own

in concert with community that he says, I'm going to make a run of this and I'm going to be whole. I think he'll come around because he's got a big brother that loves him like crazy. What he needs more than your judgment right now is your connection. And here's what that's going to look like, okay? I don't want you to bring up his past with him anymore. If he wants to talk about some things, decisions he made in the past that he doesn't agree with, great.

I don't want that to be a part of your conversation with him anymore. I want you to love him right now and love him for where he's going, not for the things that he's done. Okay? He carries that shame around enough. He doesn't need it. The second thing is I want you to get with him in person and I want you to tell him, I don't know how often you say this. You may say this all the time. A lot of brothers don't, but I want you to look him in the eye and say, I need you to hear me say these words. I love you and I'm glad I'm your brother. I will be here for you always.

I'm here. And if you ever threatened to hurt yourself, I'm calling in everybody. I'm calling 911. I'm calling mom and dad. I'm calling any, I don't know, grade school teachers. I'm calling everybody in the fire department, the neighbor. I'm calling in everybody because that's over my ability to help you. And it scares me and I'm not going to lose my brother.

And I want you to let him know when he's ready, you're going to continue to text him. You're going to continue to leave voicemail messages on his machine. You're going to write him letters. You're going to continue to let him know he's tethered in. But until he comes to you and knocks on your door and says, hey, I'm ready for a plan. I'm ready for some accountability. Help me out here. He's just going to continue to leave interactions with you filled with shame because he's not you. He's going to leave interactions with you exhausted because he can't do the things Big Brother Will's doing. Okay? And I know this is hard.

I know it is. But at the end of the day, you have to draw boundaries around yourself. He's going to have to make some hard, hard decisions. And, man, there are few things more powerful than a brother who loves another brother. All right? But nobody who I love gets to threaten suicide without me calling in everybody I know. Nobody around me who I love is going to not know that I don't love them, right? I don't know if I just said that the right way. I'm going to let them know that I love them is what I'm saying, Will, okay? And I'm

also going to let them know I'm not going to judge you anymore. I'm not going to try to force things on you. I'm just going to be here and I'm going to be thinking about you every single stinking day. I'm going to pray for you. I'm going to always answer the phone when you call, but that's the best I can do. And Will, I'm telling you right now, he needs connection. He needs people who are not going to say, well, you know, if he needs love, love and connection and that's, that's that, right? So thanks for that call, man. I do want to know how that conversation goes, Will. I want to know how it goes. And it's best had in person.

It's best had planned. Have it. Let him know that he's loved. Maybe this. I'm going to add an addendum. Write him a letter and give it to him after that breakfast, at that lunch you have with him. Write him a letter and hand it to him so he can take it home and read it and read it and reread it. And I don't want it to mention anything about the past. I don't want it to

mention anything about, I can't believe the decisions you're making. None of that. I want it to be short and to the point. I love you. I'm so glad I'm your brother. I'm so glad I'm your brother. And I love you, love you, love you. And when you ever need anything, I'm here. Love, Will. That's it. That's it. Everybody needs a brother like Will. Put the judgment down. Start connecting, man.

All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Glenn in Dayton, Ohio. Glenn, what's up, brother? How can I help? Hey, John. Thanks so much for taking my call. I appreciate it. You bet, man.

What's going on? So we are real excited. Our 21-year-old son is getting married this July to his fiance. Very cool. And she's finishing up her education degree at a private college, and he works part-time and is training to be a firefighter EMT at a local community college. Very cool. So right now, he's living with us.

Okay. So this is my question. We are discussing having them live in our home for a fixed time so they can attack their debt and save money for a down payment. They would have a separate living space in our finished basement, and we would just have to do a couple things like finish a bathroom for them. So my question to you is this. Is this a good idea or is this a bad idea? So I historically would have said terrible idea, never do this. I have someone who I consider a close mentor to me, someone who I go to for wisdom, right?

So he's a person I call, has done this with his son and daughter-in-law, and it has been extraordinary. Okay. And so I have to refine my original position on this. So here's a couple of things I would tell you. You got a pen, or actually you can just watch this thing, but here's what I would recommend, okay? But before I recommend anything, number one, I just want to tell you thank you for loving your kids and trying to give them a head start. Like your heart is awesome, man. Thanks, man.

Man, good for you, Glenn. And not only that, it's that kind of heart that led to your son to make great decisions about who his future partner is going to be, about a guy who's going to dedicate his life to serving other people, right? That's the kind of man you raised. That's the kind of home he's going to create. So, man, you judge a tree by its fruit, man. So congratulations, Glenn. This is awesome. All right.

So here's what I want you to do. Are you married? I am. Okay. 30 years. Man, good grief. That's awesome. All right. So here's what I want you to do. Are you married? I am. Okay. 30 years. Man, good grief. That's awesome. Listen, people, model it, and it just happens.

I'm telling you. Okay. So, Glenn, I want you to get with your wife, and I want you to listen to one another's fantasy about what this is going to be like. And there's going to be a great picture both of you have of what this is going to be like. And here's what it's going to be. It's going to be this romanticized picture. The lights are going to be a little bit dimmed,

not in a gross, weird way, but y'all are going to have dinners together and you're going to laugh and he's going to look into her eye and to his new wife's eye and she's going to look in his eye and you and your wife are going to smile because it's beautiful

and none of that is going to happen that way okay right they're going to move in and not want to hang out with you at all and they you're going to hear some noise when the basement at glenn's house is a rocking we are not coming knock right all of that's going to be there you so i want you and your wife to hear each other's fantasy about this is going to be like and then y'all are going to have to get down to the brass tacks. Okay? So here's a couple of things. I would recommend having something in writing and tell your son, I love you, and I'm going to pretend.

And you can just tell him, this is to protect everybody. Some idiot on the radio suggested this, so let's just all do it so we're all on the same page. We're all way above board so there's no confusion. So here's the thing. Here's the rules of engagement for our place, okay? Whatever those may be, if you don't want people coming and going at 2 a.m., let them know that up front, okay? If you don't care, they're married. Why would I care?

He's got a job. She's got a job. I don't care when they're coming and going. They can come to the side door in the basement. Awesome. Put that out there into the world. I don't care when y'all come and go, son. Okay. That way there's not that weird thing where he's like, Hey, it's almost 10. We got to go back to my parents' house. And then his wife starts resenting him and you. And does that make sense?

So clarify those types of things. I don't care when the trash is coming. Does that make sense? Yeah. So basically what I hear you saying is that communication is absolutely going to be key, and that's really kind of my heart. My biggest fear, I guess, is ruining any future relationships. He's our third kid out of four, so I understand the concept that they're not going to want to hang around with us, so I get all that.

And we're all about privacy. We remember our first year, so we want to give that all to them. Right. But so what I hear you saying is basically communicate in advance before we do anything at all. I would say explicitly communicate, right? So bullet point it, right? And I don't want to say a business arrangement, but almost.

A tenant relationship, okay? Right. Then the second thing is plan a regular check-in breakfast, a regular check-in time together. That way it's on the calendar and it's not weird. And you can say, I'm practicing being a landlord, son. How are things going? And he can say, man, y'all are really annoying, dad. Whatever. Give him permission. Y'all can, you can be silly about it, but set up regular intervals. That way, if there's any tension, any conversation needs to be had, there's not that added pressure on how am I going to approach dad? It's already

on the calendar. We're already going to meet once a month, right? Hopefully y'all are going to set up, you know, Sunday breakfast together or something like that, where you'll be interacting with one another anyway, and then have an end date. And you can tell them we'll revisit this as we get here, but we're going to do this for six months and um we're gonna this isn't going to be indefinite but put something on paper give them a plan to work towards and then as you get to month four and five as part of your regular meeting time you can say all right where are we at how are we doing and he can say man if we had three more months it would change everything feel free to extend it then but you don't want each other feeling But you don't want each other feeling like, I don't know how I'm going to move out. I don't know how I'm going to get these idiots out of here.

All of that is just once there's a plan and it's clear, simple. And then the last thing is don't make anything weird. Does that make sense? Like I know it's your house, but you're going to have to just wear pants for the foreseeable future right you're going to have to mow your lawn not in Crocs and socks like just wear regular shoes man

you know what I'm saying or don't make you know if you do hear the basement rocking don't Saturday morning be like so kids what was last don't be that guy you know what I mean of course make that joke with your wife and your other kids for sure, but not just with them. And that's, if I'm talking to the, this is a pot talk to the kettle, that'd be so,

so hard for me because I'd want to make jokes because I would think it's awkward. And then my way of getting out of awkward is making jokes and that just makes everything worse. But here's the thing. I have a thousand percent confidence based on the son you raised, the wonderful woman he's marrying, the way you and your wife have set this up that it's going to be a, that you are inviting them in. Man, that's awesome. Lay good ground rules, over-communicate. Bullet point this stuff. Tell your son you're practicing a tenant relationship. Let him know that. Set up regular intervals for when you're going to have conversations. And man, invite him to breakfast. Invite him to dinner. Don't get your

feelings hurt if they don't come. Then you get to have fun in the relationship part because you get to anchor in. It's going to be great. So good for you, Glenn. Man, he's lucky to have you. And he's lucky that you're thinking through this crap Before it is month three They're annoying, they're sloppy and messy And they're coming and going at all hours of the night And your wife's like get them out And you're like I don't know how

So wise that you're doing this on the front end Good for you Alright so as we wrap up today's show The greatest song ever Ever And I've said ever before But I've never said forevers The greatest song ever. Ever. And I've said ever before, but I've never said forevers. Forever, ever, ever, ever. That's forevers, right?

And it's not Sorry Miss Jackson. It is this. 1999. How old was I? I was about to graduate. Then a guy playing a piano put some beats behind it and recorded a record his fourth album and i think he recorded in his apartment if i understand he came out with a masterpiece and it's off the white ladder album david gray he's so cool he didn't need a band name he's like i'm gonna name

it after myself david gray wrote the song babylon and it goes like this. Friday night, I'm going nowhere. All the lights are changing green to red. Turning over TV stations, situations running through my head. Looking back through time, you know it's clear that I've been blind. I've been a fool to open my heart to all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule. But if you want it, come and get it. Crying out loud, the love that I was giving you was never in doubt.

Let go your heart, let go your head, and feel it now. Ooh, that feels good. Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now. Babylon. I don't know why he ends the song with Babylon, but it just sounds awesome. That's what happens when you name your own band after yourself, David Gray.

Way to go. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.