The Dr. John Delony Show - Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A follow-up to a previous caller’s question about his wife ·      A wife frustrated by her husband’s dependence on his parents ·    �� A woman wondering when to open up about her divorce on dates Next Steps: ☎ ️Listen to Jesse’s original call. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night at ramsysolutions.com slash tour. Never before in what 700 plus episodes of this show have I been so incredibly lit up like a Christmas tree on the internet for how badly I just totally screwed up. Jesse was on the show. Kelly and I talked and I was like, dude, let's get Jesse back on the line. Jesse, you there.

What's going on? What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show. Hope you are doing well wherever you happen to find yourself. Hope there's a path for peace in all of the madness and if there's not and you feel stuck, I'm glad you're here. In this show, we sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show.

If you want to be on, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndoloney.com slash ask ASK. Love to have you on and figure out what's going to happen next in your life. And hey, all right, so we have this first caller that's up. He is, I'm gonna go ahead and invite him on. Um, Auburn, Alabama. Jesse, you there? I'm here, Dr. John. What's up, my brother? How are we doing? I'm doing okay. All right, so I'm going to give everybody the backstory here.

So, Jesse was on the show, um, probably a month ago, three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Okay. So Jesse was on the show talking about a complicated issue and never before in what 700 plus episodes of this show have I been so incredibly lit up like a Christmas tree on the internet for how badly the internet people said I blew the call. I just totally screwed up. And so Kelly and I talked and I was like, dude, let's get Jesse back on the line.

Cause here's the deal. I get to hang up the phone, right? I hang up the phone, I finish the call, then I go into the next and people who are on the show, they're just kind of there, right? Jesse, you're just like on the other end of the line when I hang up right? Right yeah, so I wanted to give you an opportunity To a just let me have it if I needed if you just let me have it. I would love to know after the

After the call you hung up What you felt if you felt heard if you felt seen if you felt heard, if you felt seen, if you felt like I attacked you. And most importantly, how have the days been since? Are you still haunted by what you called me about? Yeah, so I thought you gave some relevant advice. I took it to heart as I do all advice and then I make it my own and I take it into my situation, my reality. And you had advised me to, you know, apologize

to my wife for feeling that, you know, making her feel that part of her wasn't welcome in the home and at the same time, you know, just let her know that the things that she had said about her college pass 20 years ago had bothered me. It made me feel a certain way. So I did that in some regard. I did take that advice and, you know, spoke to her, you know, about what I'd seen and, you know, let her know that there's...I'm sure there's a reason she feels she can't talk to me about those things and then shared it with some other people. And I told her, I don't think that justifies you going and talking to other people. I don't appreciate it and I don't appreciate the way it makes me feel. But I thought about

a couple of things from our last conversation, Dr. John, about kind of had we had this conversation that she didn't speak that way. And I responded no. And then I got to thinking, yeah, we did. You know, when we were standing on the aisle on our wedding day and promising to forsake all others and promising to cherish the other person, I considered that to be the conversation that we wouldn't have inappropriate conversations about our past, especially with people that, you know, either of us spouses or partners knew that we were having. I told you in the last call, I knew she had a group of friends that were there during those days and they talked about it and it doesn't bother me a bit. But bringing it to these people that

weren't there and are new people just felt totally inappropriate to me and I still feel that way. I also got to thinking about, you know, me feeling like she was tainted. I felt that way during the phone call, a way that I'd never felt before. And I felt that way for several days after. And then I thought and thought, and I said, I don't feel that way. I don't feel like she's tainted at all. I love the day we got married. I love the beautiful, strong, sweet woman I got married to. She had a few partners in college, nothing outlandish like some of these text threads are saying, which is hurtful to me.

Sure. When you hear people speak like that about my beautiful wife, just cause she did what 99% of other people did in college and have just a handful of partners that, yeah, I'm not happy about, but nobody is. You said that yourself, but she's not a tainted woman. I don't feel that way, but I do feel like her recent conversations have tainted our marriage. And not that it's irrevocable

or irreversible or maybe it is a little irreversible. Maybe it's always going to be a thorn in my foot that I'm going to have to walk with as I will be married to this woman for the rest of my life. I know that. And I know that she is not cheating on me and not wishing that she had done other things. And we're inseparable. We had the greatest twenties and the greatest thirties. And as you said, we raised humans together and great communication. And you know, people get into their forties, they get into a lull. And I do think that she found a new group of friends and they had some work trips and had a little too much to drink. And she likes to get a rise and a joke out of people.

And I get that. Um, at the same time, it hurt. It hurt like, and I know some people, um, you know, say, Hey, get over it, man. You know, everybody does that. And I, and I am over the past. I am over it. To say that it doesn't have a little bit of an irritating feel of the past would be a foolish thing for any human being to say. Everybody is going to, as you said, not love that their life partner had some experiences before them. I think any decent

person is going to not like that. There may be some body count 100 people out there that say get over it. They don't count. They're not in this conversation. The conversation I'm having is with my spouse who has been the love of my life. And I know that I've been the same to her. Our, our twenties were, were the greatest. They were adventurous. I mean, I'm close with her friends and they've just come to me with wows and beginning and I'm still close to them to stay. But the fact of the matter is, and what I'm calling about is, is I found some conversations that were hurtful and made me take a step back and realize that marriage is very challenging. Even when you seem to do everything right and everything feels right.

And then you find out that for a year or two, your spouse is making some inappropriate jokes, just a handful, you know, just a dozen. But you know, it, it, I just can't, to me it hurts. If it doesn't bother other people, you know, they can go live their life. That's right. But so can I, can I tell you, um, I was outstanding and I really, I'm really honored that you laid that out there that way. Well done. Right. It's well done. How did your conversation go with, let me pause real quick for everybody listening and you're like, what is he talking about?

Maybe they missed the episode. Jesse called me and there was a, Jesse had chosen to only sleep with the person he was going to be married to. And his wife didn't have that same value system when they got married. And then they have been inseparable since. And then Jesse found out that on a work trip with some friends, she was talking about her past.

She was talking about it was the greatest time of her life. And it was when the good stuff happened and whatever. And Jesse, I took Jesse down a whole different path, right? And so that made people uncomfortable. And Jesse, I want to tell you, I didn't do a good enough job, I think, in that call of, I guess let me say it this way. I came into that call with a bias and it's my personal bias. And I think it's because I get so many calls about before, about partners who had different value sets

before they were together. And somebody trying to hold them accountable for values that, I let my own baggage come into this conversation. And what I didn't hear, because I was too blinded by my own. And what I didn't hear, because I was too blinded by my own bias, what I didn't hear was a guy saying, hey dude, I really love my wife, but she hurt me.

What do I do next? And that's on me, man. And I want you to hear me say, I'm sorry that I missed that. Cause I had a hurting guy in front of me and I chose to take something that I'm naturally, I'm increasingly frustrated about culturally and I made you the whipping boy for that. So I'm sorry.

Well, I appreciate the apology. I also think, you know, in your defense, me and you may have been headed to the Rocky Mountains and we got on the train in the Great Plains and we got to the next station and we're like, Hey, there's no mountains. We're just not there yet. I think the conversation ended prematurely and maybe we would have got there. Yeah. What's there was more. Well, how did the conversation go with your wife? It went well. Um, my, my biggest complaint today, and I guess the reason I'm back on the show, um, is because she did break down and apologize, wrote me a letter, uh, realized she took our marriage for granted and didn't, you know, said some inappropriate things. Um, kind of, you know, blamed it on, you know on a little bit of alcohol, a little bit

of wanting to get a rise out of some people. And we've had several conversations since. I mean, some of them have been productive and some of them have been, you know, maybe after a little too much alcohol again and we just run in circles. But I'm just not getting the closure that I want to get to move on. I continue to wake up at night and which is unusual for me. But for the last month or so, I mean, I just wake up every night, stay out the window, and because I can't seem to get the closure because one thing that you... I heard you say before is, you know, you have to come to these conversations willing to be vulnerable and willing to accept

the fact that there's a chance that the other person will leave. I don't think we're in that conversation, but I'm not... I don't feel like I'm getting the full vulnerability or the full admittance of guilt. Not that I want to shame her once again. I mean, I just have to say that again and again, but I need her to say, I've done this. This is why I did it. I don't know why she said those things other than a joke and that doesn't seem like a justifiable Does it seem like a justifiable Vulnerable

Comment that I can Let it hurt me for just a moment and then can let it hurt me for just a moment and then know that we went there. Is it because you know in your guts it wasn't a joke or there was a little bit of truth to it? Or I mean, there's a little bit. Yeah, you said it. You said it so good. 20s were wheels off 30s.

We had kids and built a life and then 40s and got kind of they start to get stale. They get routine people just get into the roles and I'm wondering if you feel that too and to hear her and to read it how she articulated what she was feeling as a sense of regret as a sense of the good old days as a sense of this is just I'm kind of Like to use your train analogy. I'll just get dragged behind this train now That's just the way my life is but man it used to be like and there's some sense of I Guess there's some sense of truth to it and maybe

You're not getting that There's truth in every joke. I mean even the worst of jokes. That's right. That's right. That's why comedians I think they're modern-day prophets right because they make you laugh, but they're like, oh, that's kind of true, right? They have more truth than anybody there is. That's right. That's right. And so I know that yeah, you're right There's that a little bit of truth to it is what bothered me so bad and the fact that she won't come out and say that Did she um, she was she unwilling to admit that there's distance between y'all now? That happened before this, this kind of shined the light on it,

but that we were kind of just running side by side and it's time, you hear me say this on the show all the time, it's time to clear the deck, let's build something new, man. We're in decade three, let's build something rad. That's what I want to do. I want to knock down the building, but I feel like she won't admit that there is that little bit of truth in there because she's terrified of hurting me.

Gotcha. And I told her that I want her to hurt me. The only way that I can get through this is to get that vulnerable, rock hard pain so that I can know why she said it because you're right there's a little bit of truth in there I don't think there's been a distance here lately I think there's been a lack of excitement possibly sure that happens and it's you have to you have to practice novelty and playfulness those things are hard right when you're been married to the same person for 20

something years but I can't get her to fully admit to it. I mean, she wrote me a letter a couple of times and now I've played my cards. Like I don't get to bring it up again. Let me say this. Can I challenge you on another thing? On the other side? Yeah. Is there anything you're not bringing to the table? Or have you said out loud, I feel a

distance and I want us to begin to build something new with our marriage? It's very possible I haven't been that clear, but I did bring vulnerability to the conversation. I'm proud of you for that. I have since changed my day-to-day conversations to be a little more open and a little less hiding. I mean, I'm no saint. I've made some mistakes in the last five or seven years too that were, you know, little one-off things you got to go ask forgiveness for.

Sure, everybody has. You know, it was this pattern of a person I didn't recognize. I was disappointed in the immaturity and, you know, disappointed in just Just you know, I mean so can I I I did not do this outright last time so I Want to give you permission to feel disappointed I Want you to have permission to feel? Unnerved because the person you've been married to for two decades You saw some things that she had written and some things she had said and that made you go I don't think I know you. Yeah. That you have permission to be heard that

yeah it's not cool like what you say like nobody wants their spouse to be talking about man I'm married to this person. They're great, but man, I used to, nobody wants that. That's a violation of the, I'm gonna say the sanctity of marriage. That's a violation of just dignity and respect for each other and what y'all have together. So I don and what you'll have together.

So I don't want you to feel crazy. I believe it was a betrayal. I mean, I don't think it was these emotional affairs that people talk about. There's no one isolated person. There's been comments in the thread that this person so and so. No, no, don't read those threads. They'll make you nuts. Comments in the thread that this person so and so no no don't read do bro. Don't don't don't read those threads Don't read those. They'll make you nuts, but let me let me pause it one more thing. Okay

I've never met somebody In the criminal justice system. I've never met somebody on the other side. I've never met somebody on the other end of divorce. I've never met somebody when somebody does an accident or whatever or commits a crime or has an accident and they lose a kid or what. I've never met that person who finally has that big conversation and it feels like they thought it was going to feel on the other side of that big conversation. And I'm wondering if that might be what you're wrestling with, which is let's take her at her word. She wrote you the letter.

She drank too much. She was being stupid. They were one up in each other and she was like, oh yeah. And they called her goody two shoes and she was like, you know, college me. And she told some stories about the good old days. Yeah. And that really hurt you. And she wrote you a letter and said, you're my ride or die.

I love you. That was stupid. I made some bad jokes and I'm sorry. No. Right? I don't know that what you anticipated the other end of that was going to feel like, but I've never met somebody who nails it. I mean, I don't know either.

I've never been hurt like this before. Well, and I guess what I want to challenge you, not challenge you, but just speak out into existence is most of the time people still hurt after the apology. Oh yeah. It doesn't make what happened go away. And I guess that's frustrating for me because and I hate I don't mean anything as far as I won't hurt or feel bad. But what I'm trying to say is like, you know, the crime, punishment doesn't fit the crime type thing. Like, okay, I got a letter and I'm just supposed to move on. No, I think we circle back. I think it's, I, so I want you to stop thinking in terms

of like you said, like we're, we're keeping score. Like my pain's gotta be the same as your pain. And if I hurt this bad, you have to hurt that bad. That kind of score keeping, man, is always gonna end in contempt. And that's one of the Gottman's Four Horsemen of the end of a relationship. Because it gets to be this hierarchy. You did this, so I get to do this. Forgiveness is, I'm not carrying that anymore.

Still hurts. Still hurts. I lost a little bit of trust in you. If that's the case, I'm going to ask you to not drink on these trips because that was a betrayal for me. It hurt real bad. And I guess I also want you to be careful of putting yourself in her head and assuming you know how bad she's hurting or not hurting just by how she's responding

but also Dude, it is super. Okay to say okay. It's been two weeks. It's been three weeks. You wrote me this amazing letter I want to read it out loud to you and I want to let you know how I feel when I read it Like I want to read it out loud to you I don't want to do that. It would it would really it would really mean the world it. Like I wanna read it out loud to you. I don't wanna do that. It would really mean the world to me if I could read this out loud to you. But also, yeah, be careful of wanting to hurt her back

or wanting her to hurt back. And I guess be weary of your own expectation of what you think it's supposed to feel like on the other end of an apology. Sometimes it just still stings and you forgive her and you say, okay, I get it. Be weary of your own expectation of what you think is supposed to feel like on the other end of an apology. Sometimes it just still stings and you forgive her and you say, okay, I get it. And it still stings. And the next time she's going to a trip out of town, your heart rate is going to go up

and you're going to text a little bit more and she's going to commit. Hey, I'm not going to drink on this trip. Not going to do that. Not, I'm not going to do that because I know I hurt you last time. And I guess part of that is just trusting in, if you keep showing up and saying, how can I love you today? And she keeps showing up and saying,

hey, Jesse, how can I love you today? That over time, that pain stings a lot less and your default setting slowly resets itself. But you're not crazy for being hurt. I don't think you're crazy at all. I just want you to be careful about pushing and pushing and pushing to make sure she feels in some way as bad as you do. Or like you said, she can't just get off scot-free with an apology. I want you to think that all the way through because

that makes you the judge, the jury and the executioner and be real clear about what you want her to experience on the other end and you may never get that. And I think that's part of being married, it's part of being in a relationship with somebody. So thank you so, so much for the call. I'll put you on a whole, it's like the background noise is really loud. I want to say this to everybody. I brought my own bias to that last call.

I brought my own frustration with outside issues and I, man, I dumped them all those center blocks into Jesse's backpack and said brother. You're carrying this I Did hear in that last call that there was this feeling this sense of I made better choices than she did and So somehow there was an inequity. So I'm glad you said like man. I hadn't thought about that I'm glad we got to have that conversation, But also I want everyone to hear, I brought my issues to a hurting person and Jesse, that's not right. And so on behalf of everybody, I want to tell you, I'm sorry, I missed it. And man, you're allowed to have your heart

broken and I'd be heartbroken too. If my wife was telling everybody, man, before I met my husband, it was really awesome. I'd me heartbroken, man, as a betrayal. I think the big question is, what does forgiveness look like? And in your home, what does forgiveness feel like? And most importantly, beyond looks and feelings, what are we gonna commit to doing day in and day out, minute by minute, hour by hour,

so that our marriage gets stronger and back on track over time? You're an awesome guy, brother. Thanks for calling me back and having the courage to let me know where I got it right and where I didn't get it right. And took a lot of courage for you to come back on. So I'm really, really grateful for you, brother.

But I think y'all set up another meeting and you read that letter back gently, not in an accusational way, but gently. And let's get back on the same page and we're gonna still keep moving forward. All right, so we come back, I'm to talk to a wife who does not respect her husband anymore because his parents are still way too involved. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go out to Riverside, California and talk to Ray Ray. Hey, Rachel, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. Lady, what's up? So I'll just kind of dive right in. Rachel, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. Lady, what's up? So I'll just kind of dive right in.

I'll give you a little bit of context first. So my husband and I have been married for going on six years. We have two kids, two and four year old. And my question is, how do I handle and move forward after losing respect for my husband? Or am I being too prideful and wanting us to be self-sufficient as a couple? Ooh, man, that's a good one. How old are y'all? We're 36.

Okay, 36. Man, y'all have had a busy six years, huh? Yeah. I mean, we only dated three months before we got engaged. So things kind of moved quickly. You know, within a year after we got married to you, we had our first kids. So, and then it was right in the middle of 2020. So you add all that. Yeah, I'll do it as well. So yeah, we're, you know, just right in the midst of it all.

Dude, you guys are in a relationship now that's like, yeah, we can figure this out. We figured out a global shutdown and a worldwide pandemic and a pregnancy in a relationship now that's like, yeah, we can figure this out. We figured out a global shutdown and a worldwide pandemic and a pregnancy in a three month, like we will figure something out. That's fantastic. All right, so how is his parents still over involved? So they have kind of pulled back a lot.

I think because just full transparency, I have been a lot more closed off towards them just because of the past six years, things that have happened. But basically, just the reason for my call is the financial aspects. They've bailed us out of several financial situations dating back to, like I said, five, six years ago. And I just felt like he and I should have at least talked about these situations and then worked through them together.

Absolutely. So he called his mommy and said, mommy, I need some money from me and my new wife. Well, mostly it was, I think it was more his dad just kind of jumping in and saying, hey, we got this, don't worry about it. And he has a really hard time backing his parents off, to say the least. Okay, got what? Did they reach in in 2020, they found out their son's married, oh gosh, suddenly they're pregnant, they're having a baby, it's 2020. Hey guys, I'm going to cover your rent for six months. Is that what happened? Not necessarily rent, but I do think that's kind of the context. And when it's been brought up, they're like, well, we wanted to help you and we just let love giving you know we want to give you a gift and we don't want you to worry about it so like the big the first big thing I'll kind of uh kind of

dive into is when our daughter was about six months old it was like April 2021 so kind of getting through everything we were going to move out of our apartment found a rental home um and his parents just like jumped in and it was no, it was never a conversation that was had with me. It was just like his dad and him and they paid for like the entire move, the rental truck, the movers and everything. And I moved a lot in my life and I was excited for the move and I was like, Hey, great. Like now he and I can come together and figure out the logistics of everything.

So I was like, I felt a little like let down that I wasn't even involved in that conversation. So how did that, how did that, how did that, how did that conversation go? And you found out, Hey, no, no, no, I just hired movers. My dad said he wants to cover the movers for us to move. Got a new baby is 2021. Dad's got everything covered. What was the next conversation? It was pretty much just an argument of how I should accept the gift. I should be grateful for it. And yeah, that was kind of it. It was just, and then that was it.

So are there strings to this money? Well that's kind of how I feel sometimes. I do feel like... This is obnoxious for me to say it this way, so I'm being ridiculous. Okay? Let's move your feelings to the side. What's the data say? What's the reality here?

Do they give you money and then they say, no, no, no, no, no, we have Thanksgiving on this day, you'll be here? No, they don't do that. Do they give you money and then they say, no, no, no, no, we have Thanksgiving on this day, you'll be here? No, they don't do that. Okay, so besides the feeling part, how do they lord over you? Do they still pay your cell phone bill and they go through your phone calls?

So his parents do pay his cell phone bill and his car insurance still. Oh, good Lord. And I have more examples. So I don't really feel like they hold it over us necessarily forthcomingly. Like they're not saying like, hey, we pay for this. We want you to do this.

There have been a couple of times where, I don't know, his parents bought a high chair and like a walker for our baby. And they were like, well, you never even said thank you. And so- But why didn't you say thank you? Well, that's a whole other story, but I did say thank you, but I was in the midst of like postpartum depression and anxiety and I was anxious about everything.

And they bought our child like one of those walkers and I had told his mom like, oh, I don't want to use those. They scare me. And then they went out and bought one anyway. And then they were mad at me for not being grateful for it. So it just, yeah, like so tell me, tell me about, tell me about for you growing up. You said you moved a whole bunch. Did you move cause you had to a lot? Yeah. So my dad's job, he worked for a company that like worked on resorts and theme parks and it's like did

outlandish like waterfalls and rock work and everything. So we moved, um, you know, like I said, up from gosh, zero to about eight, um, 10. And then we were pretty consistent from 10, right. When I was 10 on, um, but yeah, we moved a lot just because my dad was the sole income provider for the home. My mom was stay at home mom. I had three brothers. So there were times where money was very tight. But I saw my parents like work together to overcome so many obstacles. Sure. So forget the money part of it, but you have a spirit inside of you that is awesome and strong. But it's also, I will freaking do this myself.

Where does that come from? I'm asking a double-edged question. One, that's exactly how my daughter is, and so I just kind of want to know where that's coming from. But also, where does that come from? Was that survival? Cause you had three older brothers. Was that, cause you had to do a new school every year

from zero to 10 years old. Like, was it college? Did you have somebody hurt you when you were like, where does that like, no, no, no, no, no, I'm doing this. Or maybe you just shot out of the cannon that way like my daughter was. So a little bit of both, I think, like with my family, I was very much like, you know, with my brothers too, I was kind of the one that was always bossing them around, so to speak.

I had one older and two younger, so it's kind of in that middle. So I had no problem within my family to be like that strong, like this is what I'm going to do. I want to do it my way. And my daughter is very much that way as well. So I'm getting a little bit of taste in my own medicine. But I think like when I was away from my home, sorry, I'm getting emotional because this is something that affects me.

But I just feel like I had so many critics. I played sports growing up and I just had softball coaches that would, I feel like, try to tear me down. I wasn't very vocal. I was pretty quiet and shy. Um, and I just feel like I have so many people telling me like, I guess I wasn't good enough. Um, and then I didn't feel good enough. Um, and it's funny cause even his mom has told me like I'm a very strong person, but it's taken years to get to this point. Um, and now I feel like since I, we have kids have kids, I feel like I often have to be their voice and be that strength that I know they're going to need someday. And can I tell you something crazy?

I'm telling you this because I love you. Okay? Yeah. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you. How old are your kids? Two and four. Okay. Yeah. So grateful for you. Thank you. How old are your kids? Um, two and four. Okay. When we over voice for our kids, now our kids need us, they need us to be sturdy. As Dr. Kennedy says, we need to be plugged in, anchored in. Yeah. And I will burn your village

to the ground if you hurt my daughter. Yeah. Right. Make no mistake. But I will burn your village to the ground if you hurt my daughter. Right? Make no mistake. But our kids pick up really fast every time a parent becomes their voice. And that meta message, and this is a crazy thing that happens, okay? You are not alone in this. This is the pot talking to the kettle here. But in a wild way, you recreate your softball coaches with, hey, you're not enough, I'll

do this for you. You're not enough, I'll speak for you. You just sit there and be quiet, I'm going to do it for you because you're not enough. And you may have got that message explicitly and in an effort to shift and change it, it gets passed along implicitly. So here's what I want to, I want to just put this out there, okay? Because I want to, I'm thinking, let's say I knew, I knew all of that about you. And I was a brand new husband trying to navigate what in the world is happening with a pandemic and a new baby and whatever.

I can imagine saying, dude, I am taking all the postpartum, I'm going to take all that stress away. And my dad pulled me aside and said, Hey, we've been blessed. We've got stuff figured up. Anything you need, you let me know. And he's like, Dad, can you help with the move? And he's like, gotcha. And I can imagine your husband coming home with a smile nine feet wide being like, got it. And then all of a sudden your inside says, once again, Rachel can't do it on her own. Once again, someone's telling Rachel, I don't want your voice. I don't care.

You're not enough. And here we go again. And it just becomes a matter. I say this so often and it sounds trite, but I'm serious. It's a matter of pictures and words. When you both said the words, hey, we're moving on Saturday, he had a picture in his head. I'm going to be the best husband ever. I know a guy that wants to help out with anything.

Yeah. And you said, this is a way we're going to build a forever marriage by working hard together and sweating. And I'm still a little bit postpartum. I need to get out and move and do something. And all of a sudden y'all flew past each other, both trying to love each other the best you could. You know what I'm saying?

I do, yeah. And I know that's not line for line. And there comes a moment when, bro, you gotta pay your own cell phone bill, stop. I feel silly, Your mommy's still paying your bills. Yeah. Right. So, but, but you see how it's not, it's both and. Yeah, I do. There are, it has been one of my life's journeys to learn to say, I accept this or thank you. I accept this or thank you.

It's very hard for me. Yeah. And also, like there's a grown-up part, like I'm also want to be an adult too. Yeah. You're not gonna pay for my cell phone and my car insurance, good God Almighty. Right? Unless, it's like dude, I get it for free. This would be dumb for you not to take it and the modern world with all the digital is just silly, right?

But I think it comes back to you all sitting down and saying, hey, here's my picture of what this looks like. What's yours? And also, be very honest with, I think your parents are trying to buy our influence, their influence in our lives. I don't like it. Or actually, when your mom brings toys for my baby, it makes me feel less than. Yeah. And I don't know what's true. Yeah, go ahead. I don't know if any of that is true.

I don't know. I just imagine how hard I tried being a new dad and how many times I got it so wrong, trying the hardest I could to love my wife. And I do think that's a huge piece of it. I mean, we are both just those new parents again, middle of pandemic, not sure what to do. Um, we have had multiple conversations.

He and I about the pictures we have, I guess, or more so the picture I had for our marriage, our family, our life. Um, I've talked about how I feel like his parents have overstep boundaries sometimes, but it's always, um, for lack of a better term, like my fault. It's there. There isn't a whole lot of like, well, let's talk about that. Why do you feel that way? It's usually an immediate, no, you're wrong.

They just want to help. They love us. Um, and you know, it's gotten a lot better. Like I said, I still have, I know there's been other things, but his parents will give gifts and things and I just have learned to accept it, to be grateful for it, to thank them for it. Um, but it's more of the bigger piece is some of the bigger, not bigger, but like financial situations, um, he's like allowing them to continue to, to cover and pay for, and it just makes me lose respect for him as, you know, quote unquote, the man of the house. Um, I look at him at, you know, he's a husband, he's a father and he's willing to

pass off these these financial duties, um to his parents whenever they are, you know, they offer. Well, and I think maybe the bigger pictures and words conversation is have we been married for six years? We've got two amazing kids. Um, I've brought my struggles here. I've brought my struggles here. You've brought your struggles here. I want you to tell me, what's your picture of a wife? Yeah.

What's a picture of a wife? What's a picture of a mother that's in your mind? And then you get a shot, like here's my picture of what a husband does. Here's my picture of what a husband does Here's my picture of what a husband because my guess is this money is the big is like a big glaring thing and it's an Easy thing to point at Yeah, but my guess is you lose respect for him in other places Yeah

And what I often what I often see happen is mother-in-law has become And what I often see happen is mother-in-law's become, yes, they can be intrusive and yes, they can become overly whatever, or father-in-law's like, I'm gonna pay for everything. And you know what, they can, like, do this at our house. We need to struggle through some things so that stop coming into the weight room and taking the weight off the bar.

Our marriage has to go through some hard times so that it can have the strength down the road. But often they become like an easy thing to point fingers at when actually I lose respect for you because of the way you treat the waitress. I'll lose respect for you because you don't open the door for me. I lose respect for you because you sit on the couch and play video games and have four beers every night while I'm trying to bathe the kids and get them in bed. And this general loss of respect is a much bigger cloud hanging over our home than just hey

You keep letting your mom pay your cell phone bill and you keep letting your mom pay for our vacations I want us to save up and struggle and pay for stuff ourselves And so I think the pictures and words is a bigger conversation about hey I'm losing respect in it with you as a man as my husband Here's my picture of what a husband is Inside and outside of the financial transaction stuff. And I think that's the place to have the conversation. And that's a scarier conversation to have because it un, it peels back a ton more layers.

But here's my promise. If you keep just packing and packing and packing and packing at them, mom and dad will back all the way off. And you're still going to have that respect issue with your husband that you got to deal with. So let's just go straight there and deal with that. Let with your husband that you got to deal with. So let's just go straight there and deal with that. Let's just lay that one bare on the table. And if you need a professional to walk with you, do that.

But let's start there with that conversation. And then some of this might be humbling for you. Some of it might be, dude, I got to learn to just smile and say thank you for the gift. If it's something that completely violates your values, like food or safety for your kids, whatever absolutely I'm not just gonna cave on that But sometimes it's you sent another set of clothes great. You sent another whatever great you bought us a car. Okay Sometimes you just say okay, I wouldn't have done it that way, but I'm just gonna be grateful and other times

You exhale and have the bigger harder conversation, which is husband times you exhale and have the bigger, harder conversation, which is, husband, I'm struggling with my respect for you on all these different fronts. It's a scarier, bigger conversation, but I think it's well worth having. And like I said at the beginning of the call, y'all been through a lot. My guess is if y'all both choose to, y'all can get through anything. Y'all are very, very strong. All right, coming up next, we talk to a 24 year old young woman who wants to know how soon is too soon to talk about

your past with new people you're dating. Stay tuned. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional health resources, but over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families, hurting people for years and people are scared to just take that next step. Listen, when people don't get help, it doesn't just affect them.

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and for no extra cost. Good folks, we're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to dear Marie. Hey Marie, what's up? Hey, you. What's up?

Pretty good, excited, a little nervous. I'm excited and super nervous. So let it rip, what's up? Yeah, so I'll just start with my question I submitted. My question is, when is the best time to disclose my divorce to people I date? I'm 24 and have just started dating again after getting divorced from my ex-husband

who I was with for five years. I feel like being this young in divorce carries a lot of stigma and I'm afraid of scaring people away with my past. It feels exhausting to go through the entire story with every potential partner, but also deceptive if I'm not upfront about it, as I know it will be a deal breaker for some people.

I wanna navigate post-divorce dating in the right way so I don't repeat mistakes. And determining at what stage I should share about my divorce feels paramount to this. And I can also give you the backstory of the divorce if you want that context. Yeah, what happened? So we met shortly before I turned 19. He had just got back from a deployment. We dated for about a year and then we got married right after I turned 20.

During that year of dating and that first year of marriage, she struggled significantly with alcohol and mental health to the point where there were many nights where he was gonna tell me he was gonna end his life and then just wouldn't answer my calls or my texts. So I wouldn't know if he did it until the next morning when he would text me and told me he was just drunk. Um, so about a year into the marriage, I can consider getting a divorce mainly due to the alcoholism and his refusal to get help. Um, but there

were tons of other reasons as well. However, he committed to stop drinking. So I was willing to rebuild with the very clear boundary that if he ever drank again, I would be done. Um, he was sober for two and a half years, but we were having significant marital issues. Um, we couldn't communicate without arguing. I felt like a maid and a mother. He would get very angry sometimes and break things in our house and yell. Um, but it was never directed at me. Um, and in response to me telling him I was unhappy and I didn't know if I wanted to stay married, he went out that night to a bar and broke his sobriety and called me the next morning and let me know and I just knew I couldn't live through that again.

So that's when I initiated the separation and the divorce. Okay, so the smoke is cleared. How long have you been officially divorced? Since December, but we've been separated since last May. So it's coming up on a year. So officially you've been divorced for like just a few months. Yeah. Okay.

Have you exhaled yet? A little bit. Because what I hear wrapped up in your call or in your question is almost you still wondering if you did the right thing. Yeah, I think there's days where, especially I've listened to your show a lot since all that happened and talking about rebuilding and things. And it just makes me think like, what if I had given a chance of saying like, okay, but this is very clear what I want.

And if you like giving him the option to opt in or out, I didn't do that. I just kind of did that. You did, he opted out. You're very clear if you drink again, you're smashing things and it's not safe here in this house. And when you said, I don't feel safe in this house, he went out and got wasted.

He gave you his answer. Right? Yeah. But what I'm hearing is the person you're not okay with is you. And here's why I'm here's where I'm coming from with that question is a person you meet on a first date or a second date or even a third date, they don't get a vote into your life. They weren't in that room

when that trained veteran was smashing things. They weren't up all night wondering if your ride or die was dead. Night after night after night. They weren't in that house when a drunk intoxicated person says we're doing this actually tonight no matter what you say. They don't get a vote. And so I guess my answer for you is I don't think you're being deceptive by saying, Hi, my name is Marie. How are you?

And I don't think you have anything to hide to say I got married when I was 1920 years old and it was a, ended up being a pretty unsafe situation. And so I'm a 24 year old who's already been through a divorce. How about you? 24 year old who's already been through a divorce. How about you? And if that scares somebody away, then that's a better sorting mechanism than any swipe right could ever be.

Yeah, you're right about that. And to be fair, the people I have gone on dates with and told, I mean, their reaction is obviously a little shocked, but there's not really any judgment. If anything, they're like, Oh, okay, that's cool. I mean, when I tell them like, you know, it's given me a different perspective on things I want and you know, they they're accepting of it. I think it really is a an inside battle.

Yeah, I mean, it feels like an inside battle and and if I can just like, I've heard this over and over and over again for forever. I mean, for as long as I've been having these conversations, it doesn't matter if somebody's been separated for five years. The day that divorce is finalized starts a new grieving process. Now I've seen it on Instagram, like the hooray or the divorce party, I'm finally free and I'm sure that happens. I'm sure there's super scary, toxic nonsense messes that people are just so free to be like legally detached from.

But most people when they're honest on that day, or most people when it's not a situation like that, it's like outside the bell curve, but a divorce, somebody scared me, somebody I loved, it was struggling with addiction, somebody that became somebody they weren't only when they were drinking, but man, when things are good, they were so good. That kind of divorce, even if you're separated for a year, man, my guess is they're still smoke and fog. It still feels weird being 24 years old saying, I'm divorced. Yes, it does.

And I mean, we were officially divorced in December, but like things kept being drug out because he wouldn't stick to the agreement. So he's been assigned paperwork he needed to sign. So it felt like even though it's been finalized, like, it's still not like done, done. And so that was maybe like two weeks ago that it finally got done. There you go. And so now it feels like I can finally like done done. And so that was maybe like two weeks ago that it finally got done. And so now it feels like I can finally like, okay. And also let's be honest, this is no judgment, okay?

This is just me laying facts out on the table. You are also dating and not officially divorced. Yeah. Right, and so there's still that nagging like, all right, but I mean, technically I'm married, but you know, like I'm cut. And you also roll your eyes enough to know that that's what every guy says when they're out,

who's cheating on their wife, right? They're like, no, no, no, we're like separated. It's all good, right? And then they find out they got a wife and three kids in the house, right? So all I have to say is, you haven't been settled in your own spirit for a long time.

Yeah, I mean, I still feel that way. I think a lot of what I'm worried about is the reason I let telling people that like, oh, I left because he broke his sobriety. That to me just sounds so cold. Like you couldn't stick with the person you love. But what was beneath the sobriety? He made you not say.

Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, you don't have to get in that kind of detail. Yeah. I went to really, I got married super, super young and it was really tough. It was tough. And then maybe after dating someone for a couple of months,

a couple of years, you can get into some of the, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is what I went through. This is why I don't drink. This is why I don't meet people at bars. Right, but that's not a conversation you come into right on day one. It's like, yeah, I'm 24, I'm divorced. And by the way, there's a disorienting feeling, right? If there was like a, yesterday I was driving home, okay?

Yesterday I was driving home and all of a sudden I saw all these guys, there's a house that's being built in my neighborhood. They knocked down an old house and they're building a new one. And all of a sudden, all these guys just start running across the street. Traffic is wild. They're running across the street. This is a residential street, but it's backed up for what looks like a mile. They start sprinting across the street, holding sticks and shovels.

And I'm like, what are they doing? And I look up and there's a car that has just been nailed and it is upside down And these guys who were building this house were running across the street to try to help this person who was trapped in the car I immediately zoom up pull off and there's already three or four guys in that car. I'm trying me around the car and I Don't still to this day, I don't know how this happened. But this woman got out without a scratch on her. It was wild. I could not believe what I saw. Every airbag was deployed.

The car is up, the windshield shattered. And that woman, I reached in and grabbed her hand and pulled her out of this car. It was wild. And here's the thing I was thinking as I was walking over there, if that had been me, the police report would have said, you know, whatever mid 40 year old male adult male, and I don't feel like that. Does that make sense? Or if I went and punched somebody in in in or if let's say Kelly hit somebody, it would

say 65 year old woman commits assault and she's not 65. I'm just playing. All right. Like it's weird to read that stuff in writing, especially as we're an adult because we don't feel that old Right and when you're a kid the word divorced means like 50 Right. Yeah, you know what I mean? You're 24 Yeah, and so let that feel weird for a minute and give yourself some time and some grace and some peace to settle into this is my life. And I kept myself safe. I don't have anything to apologize for.

I'm heartbroken that it didn't work out. And I'm not ever going to forget that when things were good, they're real good. And I'm not going to forget when things were bad, they're real scary, real scary. And so I kept myself safe and I get to tell that story on my terms and if somebody wants to not date me because I'm not then that's fine but I want you to give yourself peace Marie that over time that like give yourself grace because that peace will return man what an amazing thing I kept myself safe I did the next hard, scary thing.

So when do you tell them? Whenever you want to. When do you disclose it? Whenever it feels right. In whatever bite size chunks it feels right to you. I'm proud of you, sister. I'm proud of you. Let's go do the next right thing. And whenever you meet the next right person, call in.

I'll talk to him. We'll give him the Kelly Delaney screening. I was going to say the Kelly enema, but that sounded all kind of weird. So hey, we'll be right back. What's up family? Listen, there's a lot of talk these days about all the shenanigans in our food and in our drinks. Everybody's talking about food dyes, colors, the nasty chemicals, the pesticides. I am NOT a food and nutrition scientist, but I know none of this stuff sounds good and this

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code deloni. Just stop for a second and go to o-r-g-a-n-i-f-i organifi.com slash deloni and use coupon code deloni for 20% off the kit and everything else on their site. Go check them out. You're worth it. All right, we're back. Kelly, what's something awesome that happened? All right. This is from Lucy in McKinney, Texas. And she says, Lucy in the sky with the Kenny, Texas. And she says, and by the way, when you said, um, uh, male mid forties, you're not really in your mid forties anymore. That is true. I'm on the downhill slope. Yeah. So what qualifies as mid? I think you're mid to late. Oh, you have to add that to late.

Like cause once you hit about 45 to like 47, that's mid to late and you're um I saw insure in your automatic like re thing from from Amazon I saw it you have a subscription to insure that's all I'm saying lands on your desk I have not said that I'm older than you I'm almost 51 I'm 47 see. See? Mid to late. Venturing into late. I think... That's definitely late. Yeah. 47?

Once you hit 48, you're definitely fully into late. 8, 9, late 40s. Yeah. You're mid to late at this point. I think 4 to 7 is mid. Okay. I think what you want. Oh my gosh. 51. You're such a liar. Okay. What's the good thing that happened? Not this.

Yeah. All right. This section is brought to you by Jaritol. It's how Kelly keeps her teeth in. This section is brought to you by Pampers Adult. See, you always take it one step too far. You do. Always one step too far. Go ahead. Anyway, she says, John, I love the show. I'm an OG 17 listener. By the way, I love that there's

hundreds of OG 17s that makes my heart happy. I've listened to every show. My husband and I have six kids ranging from eight to 21. We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. It's not been easy and we've had many turn off the lights, turn off the music, turn on the lights, do we still want to be married conversations over the years. We just completed our third annual anniversary marriage retreat weekend. Oh, sweet. That we started doing because of your show. It has proved invaluable and something we wish we'd done from the beginning. The first year we just winged it. Last year we took our printable and worked through that

together. This year was our favorite so far. We took our questions from humans intimacy deck and worked through several cards, which led to deeper conversations. We learned a lot about each other and how we can love each other better and chose four core family identities and value statements that will inform our next year. Thank you for all you do. Dude, that sounds like a Delonie commercial, man. That's fantastic, Lucy from McKinney. Way to go. I don't even know what to say to that. That's just amazing. If you will put the time in, can I do one call out for Lucy? That first retreat that you take is going

to be hard. It's going to be weird. And the second retreat is just like follow the roadmap, let's do what this says and we get done. And it's like, it's kind of gives us a plan. That third one that you begin to make your own and like, like you use a guide, but you do it on your own terms, dude, that's when you get into the magic. Like, and I love that she said, we have six kids, we've been married for a long time and I still don't know that dude. Right. You ask those questions. you're like, wait, what?

I just love in the making of the intimacy deck, I learned things about my wife and she learned things about me. It was fascinating. Continue to do that, which I love it. Lucy, you're in the sky with diamonds. Way to go. That's so good. I'm not a Beatles fan, but I'm going to let that one rip.

Not much more to say there. All right, and hey, everybody, if you... If you have extra baby food left over, that's pretty much what Kelly's eating these days. So if you could ship it, just send it any way you want it to get here. And she loves it. Sweet potatoes and apples, liquid are her favorite. Love you guys, bye!