The Dr. John Delony Show - Found Out My Dad Is Having an Affair...Should I Tell My Mom?

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode Mom has terminal cancer and is choosing assisted suicide My veteran brother is having mental health struggles but doesn't want to tell anyone Sister and I saw Dad's texts to another woman saying "I love you" Lyrics of the Day: "Go Go Power Rangers" - Ron Wasserman   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: sickness/illness, grief, kids, parenting, boundaries, trauma/PTSD, infidelity   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a man whose mother has cancer and she's decided to pursue assisted suicide. We talk to a sister whose brother just came back from deployment and he's struggling with mental health issues. And we talk to a young woman whose six-year-old little sister just found out dad's having an affair. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So glad you're with us. Hope your life is going well. Hope your kids are doing all right. If you're a dog parent, hope that's going well. Cat, I can't go with cat parents. I can maybe get there with a dog. I can't do cat parents. But I hope everything's going well in your life. I hope your job's going good. I hope your health is good. If you want to be on our show, we talk about mental health, relationships, education, life, what to do next,

give us a shout at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. I think I left out a word there. johndeloney.com slash ask. And you can fill out the form, and it goes to Kelly, and she will decide your fate. Is that how that works?

Yes, kind of. And she's just nodding. Yes, that's how. All right. Cool, let's go straight to the call center. Oh, before we go to the calls, dude, don't forget. Go to John Deloney dot com. If you want to have a politics and covid free holiday season, we've created their decks of cards.

They are for couples who are out on a date who haven't spoken to each other with no electronics in years or a couple years. They are for families who are sitting around on vacation with their in-laws, and we're just staring at each other, and we don't know what to do next. And there are cards for parents and kids. And these are conversation starters to get the room going. Some have told us, man, we burned through like 10 or 15 of those in a night. It's so fun. Others have said, we got through three because this conversation led to that. And they're a little bit twisted. They're a little bit Delonified, but they are designed to connect people to one another. Go to johndeloney.com,

pick up all three sets of these cards. They'll get you through the holidays and they'll get you into the new year. And here's what we're doing. We are practicing human connection. And I know that we've been so disconnected for so long. We're practicing human connection and we're going to get this thing right. All right, so let's go to the call. Let's go to Brian in Los Angeles.

Hey, Brian, what's going on, brother? Hey, how's it going? We're doing all right, man. How are you? Good. Good. My question is, how do we handle? We're doing all right, man. How are you? Good. Good. My question is, how do we handle the fact that my mom has chosen the death with dignity option to end her life in the coming months? Ooh, man. So what brought her to this? Death with dignity, by the way, that's just particular state you're in, as they call assisted suicide, right?

Correct. So what is, what's going on in her world? April 2018, she got diagnosed with stage four glial blastoma. Oh, man. Stage four brain cancer. Yep. Since then, she was driving as of probably about a year ago. She's still driving, still talking, still doing great.

She has declined and hasn't driven in a while now because of a seizure or something she had. So now we're at the fact where she is declining, but she's still able to talk to us, not really communicate well with the grandkids. It attacked her speech first. But it's kind of one of those weird deals where the kind of rules in California are, you have to be able to mix it yourself. It's a drink. You have to mix it yourself. That's right.

Take it. Yeah. Versus someone else give it to you. So you have to be able to do it yourself. So you gotta take it before you're bad enough not to, or else then you never have the option. Right. So it's a weird balance. Well, and I think the reason they do that is twofold. One is it's, it's, there's still some controversy in the medical community about if I give you

an actual, if you don't mix it yourself, if you've got to go to one pharmacy to get one thing and go to another pharmacy to get another thing. So it's kind of, it's the doctors absolving themselves of, I didn't give her that thing. She got one piece over there and one piece from over there. And the other part is it helps, my understanding is it helps delineate those who are trying to make an instantaneous decision and they still have all of their mental and physical capacity, right? So, man, so is she in a lot of pain on a constant basis or is she just exhausted? Like walk me through where she is she's more exhausted her biggest thing is she doesn't this is where you know you know she has three kids i'm the youngest um my wife and i of course would rather take care of her than let her

do this you know other kids feel differently but it's she's doesn't want anyone taking care of her is kind of the bottom bluntness of her personality. She just doesn't want to be a burden on anybody. But right now, you know, she's can still talk to us. She's not in a lot of pain. She has some weird pain issues sometimes, but

nothing that medication can't take care of. Has she given herself a date? It changes daily, kind of based on her mood that day, just as of her sarcasm coming out, probably. But she has supposedly

six months to take it. So right now she says February, which mid-April is her six-month expiration date of the medication. We get the medication and holding it at her friend's house until she's ready to do it kind of thing. So it's just, it's kind of one of those things where, well, what if she also decides to do it in December or in November? Which plays a lot of heads, you know has so much more. Yeah. So what a strange place to be. I've read about and had discussed with experts about the actual patient,

the actual client here. I have never sat down and talked to somebody whose mom has made this decision, and it feels unwieldy for you too huh and you got brothers and sisters that are all in on this yeah so everybody knows so you know my mom kind of just we knew since she was diagnosed that like she sat us down the week after it was like hey look like when it comes down to this i'm gonna fight for my right as a Californian or whatever you want to call it. She was a nurse on the medical field for years.

So as my right, I want to take this so that I'm not a burden or I'm not in pain or that whatever reason it is, she wanted to do it from the very beginning. So for the past couple of years, right now she says she's in the, she says she's in a 16th percentile of like length of life after diagnosis. Okay. So they gave her 18 months to 24 months and she's at three and a half years.

So she's on borrowed time now anyway, in her mind. Correct. In her mind, even in our mind too. Like we do understand like she is living longer than usual. Right. So we all understand that. We all understand she is declining. It is going to come.

But just the fact of knowing someone's going to commit suicide ahead of time is like totally different than most people that deal with it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like it's for sure going to happen. And you got little ones too? I got two five-year-old twins and i'm three months old jeez man then my brother has a 10 and 8 year old so it's kind of the 10 year olds the closest to

grandma which is you know that's up to them on how they handle it but my five-year-olds they know she's sick i don't think they understand the extent of it. And they are five. So it's kind of, you know, we have our own opinions, but do our opinions even matter when it's her choice to do this? Her right, as a lot of medical professionals say. Well, so that's the best, safest, most peaceful place to be, which is a couple of things here. Well, let me ask you this. I don't want to start answering questions that you don't want. How can I help you? most peaceful place to be, which is a couple of things here. Well, let me ask you this. I don't want to start answering questions that you don't want. How can I help you?

I'm as open as can be. How do I handle it with my, I guess my twins, it's just, you know, you talked about the Amazon books before. You talked about explaining, you know, people are going to, you know, pass away.

And they had a grandma, sorry, a great grandma die a little over a year ago. So they kind of understand grandma went to heaven, stuff like that. They understand and it doesn't really bother them. I have a little brother, actually. I was actually the third or fourth child. Little brother died when I was eight and he was two.

And I don't really have that. My sister, of course, she's six years older than me. Four years older than me, sorry. She has that in her head, right? She remembers all that. There's trauma there for sure. I don't have that trauma. I don't worry about my kids as much. We're more, I guess,

about my feeling, my wife's feelings, and how we're going to handle the anger and the difference in grieving and all that. It's like, okay, we're going to get a phone call one day saying, hey, I'm going to take the pill in three days. Just let me know. Right, right.

We call it the pill, but it's the joke with that. The drink, yeah. Three and a half years. All right, so here's how I'll walk through with you. And this is just my thoughts on this. And obviously you and your wife are going to do what y'all are going to do.

But here's my thoughts on it. The first thing is, I want you to be angry at cancer, not at mom. And you named a couple of things that I've heard about, I've had conversations about, and I've read about, which is suicide often comes down to this, it hinges on this perceived burdensomeness. There is the, I'm in pain or I want the pain just to stop or I have a bleak future, but often it will hinge on this third leg of the stool, which is people are better off with me not here. And that's where a lot of folks will lean into and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, you were misguided there. Your mom has a unique seat in this is that she's been a healthcare professional.

She has watched people deteriorate and get sick and lose their faculties. And I do understand. I have a different perspective of pain and death having sat in crisis response stuff. And so I have a different, my dad is a homicide detective, has a very different picture of death and the reality and those kinds of things. So a lot of people who see it up close

have a very different perspective than those of us, than those others who death is more ethereal. It's an idea, we know it's gonna happen, we don't really know what it looks like and how it feels and all that. I sympathize with your mom feeling like her body was taken from her, and she will exact control one last time. There's a part of me that wraps my head around that and who feels like my body betrayed me, but I will go out on my terms. She asks us a lot. Do we approve or do we understand?

I'm like, Mom, I don't approve, but I can say I understand where you're coming from, but I can't ever say I approve of it. You know what I mean? It's one of those— Right, right. So what I want—and I don't want to get into the—there's so—I mean, within the medical community, within the—with every community has got their thoughts and opinions on this. I don't want to get into that. But I want to get into the situation you find yourself in. And so here's what I'm doing if I'm you.

I would make peace with my wife that this is happening. And every one of our parents will pass away at some point, period. I've sat with too many people who it was a shock. It just came. Or they found out that their dad had cancer and he was gone in three months. Or there was a car wreck or an acute suicide, right? Whatever the thing is. Not that this is going to be wonderful and feel good, but you do have a snapshot in history where you can say the things that you want to say. Like, I love you and I'm glad you were my mom.

And here's a letter that I want you to read about the impact you made in my life. Here are some letters that some cards that the kids made because they know my grandma's really, really sick. And you can choose that route. And basically someone has said, I'm taking this train. You can give them peace on that ride. Or you can say, I want you to know as you take this drink that you're betraying your son. And you can let her leave with resentment and anger and frustration and sadness. That's really the two places that I think that you find yourself in.

And I'm always going to choose the hospitable route unless it is causing somebody else pain in our immediate sphere. That's a whole other conversation. So your grief and your wife's grief and your heartbrokenness and all that kind of stuff, I get that, and that's real, and that is y'all's grief. But I want that grief as much as possible anchored into the cancer, to the realization that this evil disease stole your mom from you. Not that she chose to go three months early or four months early or two months early. Does that make sense? Oh, 100%. I do think your five-year-olds, I think a conversation about grandma's real sick,

and she's not going to be with us for a whole lot longer. Let's write her a card. Let's draw her pictures. If we see her, let's talk to her and give her hugs. My wife did a great job of this when her grandmother was in a home and she had dementia, she was slowly passing away. It's just letting our kids know that every one of these visits is precious. And precious looks like holding hands.

Precious looks like sitting in laps. Precious looks like saying with respect, I can't understand you, can you say that again? And it was hard, it was heartbreaking, but it made the funeral a moment of celebration, not a moment of shock. And it gave us a language for six months later when it's like, hey, are we going to go see great-grandma? And it's like, well, great-grandma passed away.

And so we were able to have that conversation because we laid the groundwork up close. I mean, up river, if that makes sense. I'm sorry, man. Thank you. I hate this for you. And I especially hate it because you've got brothers and sisters that are all over the place, and it feels isolating and lonely, huh? Somewhat, yes.

It's okay to say it. I know you're tough and hardcore. It's a whole another phone call on that one. Brothers and sisters always are, right? Yep. Here's one gift you can give your mom. Ask her,

what does she want her last days to look like? Say, Mom, I know you've made this decision. You know what I think about it. And that's the last I'm going to speak on it. I want to extract every ounce of joy and connection with you that I can in the last few months that you choose.

What do you want this to look like? Lots of visits. You want to sneak away and go to a heavy metal concert together. Do you want to eat cheeseburgers every time? You want to just eat a steady diet of gummy candies, and I'm projecting a bit here. What do you want the last few months to be?

And I can't think of a greater gift you could give somebody who's made up this decision, who's got a terminal diagnosis, who's feeling their body leave them every day to say, how can we honor you in this last season? And that moment of service, that's a gift you can give to your five-year-olds. And they are not old enough to understand, you know, assisted suicide, dying with dignity. They don't need to know any of that stuff at all. But they do need to know any of that stuff at all. But they do need to know, hey, grandma's asked us to come see her. She's very, very sick, and we're going to go.

This is what love looks like. And you can give her an opportunity to speak into her final days. The whole thing is heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry. And it starts with the cancer, and it starts with these hard conversations. And I can't imagine pulling my kids together and saying, hey, kids, I'm making the choice to be out. But I also understand it too. Hard, hard season for you and your family. Confront it directly.

Walk into it. And if you're me, if I'm you, I'm making the choice to extract as much joy as possible out of a messy situation. Thank you so much for the call, brother. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, let's go to Jennifer in Orlando. What's up, Jennifer? How are you, Dr. John? We were rocking on this morning.

How about you? I'm doing okay. Awesome. So how can I help? No, awesome. I take that back. Okay is not awesome. I kind of just say awesome about everything.

I appreciate the positivity, honestly. No, I need to back that thing up. So you said, okay. And I'll say, oh, what's going on, Jennifer? No, I appreciate the positivity. I need it. Well, it can be a little bit toxic sometimes. So what's up, man?

So my brother, he just returned from a deployment overseas. And I believe that he's having a mental health crisis and he does not want me to tell my parents. How old is he? He is 27. So a little bit of background. I moved to Florida, and basically my whole family followed me here. He was the last. You said that with like, my son will say his little sister keeps following him around. You're like, I moved across the country. Well, that's exactly how it went. Awesome.

That's exactly how it went. My whole family followed me here. My parents lived about two hours away and my brother moved into the same area as me. He's married. I'm married. We're only a few years apart. I'm older than him. And he came here and he told me he's always had mental health issues growing up. Um, I, as far as I knew, it wasn't, um,

it wasn't like severe. Um, he had, he was diagnosed with ADHD and, um, dyslexia when we were kids and he always had trouble learning. Then he went into, he went into the military. He got married just a couple of, like a year ago. And, um, he came here and he had told me and my husband that he was diagnosed again with ADHD and they put him on medication. And, um, he ended up staying with us for a month before he moved in and things seemed okay. He seemed really good. Him and his wife seemed really happy and, you know, things seemed really good. And one night, um, it, one night it like, it all like came crashing down. I, I, I was home and he, his wife came home and she said that, um, I said, Hey, where's, you know, where's my brother? And she was like, what do you mean?

I thought he was here. And I was like, no, he's not here. He got drunk and he came home and he got in a car and he was driving his convertible drunk up and down the highway. And he came back and he almost crashed the car into the garage. And, and I, of course I freaked out because I've never seen him do this and I've never seen him act like this. And he was he was hysterically crying and he was, you know, had a meltdown and told me that he wasn't OK, that he felt crazy. Then the next the next day I confronted him about it and he said, I'm just sorry. He's like, I'm so sorry you see that. I just I wasn't in a good place. I'm better now. I feel OK. I feel good. I'm'm like, okay, like I'll just, I was like, okay. Uh, all right. You know what? Let me just see how this goes. That was two weeks ago. And, uh, last night he, or sorry, Saturday night, he, um, ran out again and his wife was calling him and he disappeared. We couldn't find him for hours until he called my little sister, who's about 10 years younger than us, to come pick him up because he's at a gas station and his phone was dead.

And he never got into the Uber that his friends called for him to go home. And my sister picked him up. And the same thing again. He was crying, really frustrated, very just in duress. You could tell he was just not okay. So I wasn't out of town when this happened. And like I said, my sister's much younger than us. So she called me and she said, hey, listen, I found him.

Do you want to talk to him? He was sober at this point. It was the next day. And the same thing. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry. It sober at this point. It was the next day. And the same thing. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. It won't happen again.

And I said, hey, we need to tell our parents. Like, I can't, I feel like I can't help you. I feel like I don't have the tools to even support you at this point. And he got really upset. And he said, no, please, no, no. I do know that my dad especially is a trigger for him. My dad is very, he can be very hot-headed. He's a retired law enforcement.

He can be kind of insane. And, you know, to put it nicely. I'm only laughing because I may know a few of those. Yes. So I don't know what to do at this point. His wife doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. My sister doesn't know what to do.

We don't know how to move forward. Well, so number one, man, this guy won the lottery with you as a sister. Good for you. It's awesome. And good with you as his sister. Good for you. It's awesome. And good for you for several things. One, for being somebody that he trusts and being somebody that loves him and not knowing enough to know I need to do something

and I want to make sure I do this right. So good for you on all counts. That's awesome. I have found that returning veterans are some of the best on the planet at putting on a brave face until that mask literally melts off their body. And when you said things just seemed really good, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that exact phrase on the front end of a combat veteran imploding. Things seemed so good until they just aren't. And I think it's because there is such a culture and there's just a necessity, right? If someone's shooting at you or you are busy

protecting, fill in the blank. I don't have time for my feelings right now. I got to keep everybody alive. It doesn't mean the feelings go away. They just extract under pressure and get stronger and stronger really until they finally implode. Your instinct is right. The things you've just told me make me very concerned for your brother. And I would look at all, like you hear me say all the time, behavior is a language. He is screaming for somebody to help him. And the words he's using are, I'm all cool. Everything's fine. You know, they're not fine. I know they're not fine. Everyone around him knows they're not fine. And I also want to honor the fact that your dad's not a safe place and that some of the childhood stuff, he's been on a trajectory for a long, long time.

And so here's how I would handle that if I were you. I would get his wife and I'd get you and your little sister and I would circle up and say, here's your options. Number one, we are calling somebody, whether that's the VA, whether that's a local counseling resources, and one of us is going with you. Probably his wife would be best unless he asks you specifically to come. But this isn't a, we're thinking about it. This is gonna happen. And so you have some options as to,

if you just absolutely 1000% say no VA, no VA, no VA, and I've met a few folks there, great. I'll support you on that. If you say no to these things, then you have exceeded my capacity to help you and I'm gonna reach out to mom. I'm gonna reach out to, I'm gonna call 911 on you because you're not safe. And right now you're being not safe, and you're going to hurt somebody else too.

Right. And so I would frame it in, you get to choose which call I make, but I'm making a call. And if you choose to not make a call, then I'm going to default to what I know. And actually, you know what? After I say that out loud, I'm going to take back what I just said. I don't think your dad's a good idea. I don't. Okay. And that

may be your safest place, but I would reach out to a professional community right now, whether that's a psychologist, a counselor, somebody who specializes with veterans in your area, or somebody at the VA. Just say he's not okay right now. Okay.

He needs people to love him beyond what he's not okay right now. Okay. He needs people to love him beyond what he's asking for right now. Okay. And this will be hard on you and he will probably say things like, you're screwing me over. You don't love me. I asked specifically for this.

You're just trying to punish me and you're going to have to love him through that. And just know that on the other side of this, he will hug you tighter than you've ever been hugged in your life. Saying thank you. Okay. And maybe you and his wife and your little sister circle up. Is there anybody else in his immediate circle? Does he have one or two buddies from the service that are around that you could reach out to also? He doesn't have anybody in the service,

but we do have a pretty close circle of friends here. Okay. There's about two or three of them. I would include them. And if you can get one or two men involved, I think that's helpful too. Okay. My experience with veterans is that

there's something, there's a, just a, they just are trained hierarchical. And there's something about another guy saying this is happening. And I'm looking you in the eyes right now, this is going to happen. And we want you to help participate in what's coming, but this is happening. Okay. And that doesn't mean he's got to go away for 30 days.

It doesn't mean he's got to be institutional, nothing like that. He has to begin meeting with somebody today or tomorrow really quick. And so good for you, sister. God, he's lucky to have you. Good for you. And thank you for saying something. Call me back after that conversation because it's not going to be easy.

It's going to be hard. I say that. It may be, he may just, his shoulders may drop and he may weep from a place that he hasn't wept from a long time. What I will tell you is this. The other side of this whole conversation

is not making a call, not doing anything. And if he ends up dead, if he ends up hurting somebody, it will be an ugly trip to look in the mirror there when you know I should have made a call. That's not why you do this.

I just want to let you know on the other side of that, the weight of not doing anything right now is so unreasonable to risk. Your brother's worth loving past how mad he's going to be. Good for you, good for you. Golly, we need more people like Jennifer in the world. If you see something, say something.

Even if it's going to be uncomfortable, even if it's going to cause a mess, even if it's going to cause fights and yelling and whatever, there comes a moment when we're going to say, I'm making a call. You can help decide where we're going to call, but I'm making a call. We need more people like you in the world, Jennifer. Thank you so much for loving your brother like you do. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, let's take uno mas. Let's go to Berta in Monterey, California.

What's up, Berta? Hi, John. How are you? Nervous. Oh, don't be. I'm terrible at this. We'll figure this out together. No worries at all.

I'm nervous, too. It's all good. Okay. Thank you. So, first, what is, what's your full original name? Is it Berta? No, it's Roberta. Roberta.

And then when did it switch from Roberta to, my middle name is Robert. I thought we were going to have a moment here, but you screwed it up and started calling it Berta. So when did you switch to that name? Well, it's a family name. So my grandma was Roberta, and then everybody called her Roberta.

So everybody called me little Bert. So it kind of was always, yeah. So is there an obligation that if you ever have kids, you got to name one of them Roberta? No. This stops with me. Good job. All right. So what's up? How can I help? Okay. So, um, I'm the oldest of five kids. How old are you? I'm 27. Okay.

Then my sister's 25, so we're pretty close. And then we have two that are turning 18 this year. And then the youngest is only six years old. She surprised everybody when she showed up. Hey-o! Yep. Hello! Turning six, huh? Very cool. So she has like 11

parents, right? Pretty much, yeah. She does have a lot of parents. Okay, so you've got a hundred brothers and sisters. One of them is six. Well, my one that's closest to me in age, for a couple months, she's been like questioning with me.

She's like, hey, I think dad's talking to somebody who's not mom. What do you think? And I'm like, hey, that's not our situation. Like, dad's just super friendly with everybody. Let's not push that. don't read into it too much because you're reading it you're gonna find something um and then my dad and the six-year-old were at my house the other weekend and the six-year-old brought me dad's phone and says who's dad texting i love you too um yeah so and what did you do?

I looked at it and I told her Oh it's just a co-worker sis Like don't worry about it It looks like they were joking over something And she's like Okay Can I play video games? So I feel like she kind of brushed it off

But I mean if she brought it to me Yeah she didn't brush it off How many times has she brought this up? She's only brought it to me the one time. Okay, so just that one time? Yeah, they live six hours away from me. Okay. So I have no idea what she's asking at home.

Gotcha. Yeah. So when you saw that text, you're wise. You're an older sibling. You've seen the world. Is it what you think it is? It's definitely what I think it is. It's definitely what my other sister thinks it is.

So did you scroll up? Was there some more shadiness? I didn't scroll up. I saw the message. It had lots of hearts and kissy faces and stuff on it, and I just put it down. I'm like, I don't need to see anymore. Yeah, part of your soul died. Yeah, that was my first question. I, I do,

I tell everybody I love them. Um, I, I've got a core group of friends, men and women that I've had in my life for years and years and years. And it's important to me. Um, I bet I've worked around people, tragedy so long that I want everyone to know the last time I talked to you, I said, I love you except for James and Kelly. I never tell them that. Um, but this is different. Clearly. I don't put smiley faces in hearts and kissy faces after everything. So, um, wow. All right. So what's the next steps for you? Um, well, I didn't want to say anything in front of my little sister because she's little.

So I waited until they had left and I called my dad and I'm like, hey, this isn't okay. Kinsey is the one that found it. The baby is the one that found it. So obviously mom probably knows if Kinsey knows. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. And he didn't really say anything. He kind of just listened to me and then hung up the phone. He just hung up on you?

And then I haven't... Not really. He's like, okay, love you. Bye. That's literally the strangest response to getting busted

I've ever heard. Yeah. My dad is not good at confrontation and words. Well, clearly. Hey, dad, I just found evidence you're having an affair. All right, see you later. Love you. Yeah, kind of.

Wow. So, okay, so how can I help? I'm just curious, like, what do I do, if anything, next? Because I told him he needs to talk to mom, and he's like, okay, and then it just hasn't, like, I've been getting texts from mom that just seem fine, like, everything is normal, but I haven't heard from my dad in, like, two weeks. So, I'm just curious, like, do I need to tell mom? I don't know. If I was in that situation, I'd want somebody to tell me.

Yeah, that's how I feel about it. Part of me, as you're saying this, part of me is like, man, this is not my circus, and part of it is no, you brought this to my house, and you have put me in a position where either I have to pull the pin on the grenade you put in my living room,

or I have to lie and hold secrets from my mom. And my initial default is I don't keep secrets from my mom like that. And so what I would do is get back in touch with dad and shoot him a text and say, we need to talk today. And then ask him, have you talked to mom? Cause I haven't heard anything and say, you got 48 hours and then I'm calling mom. Yeah. Um, the other part of it is he actually called my other sister who like was suspecting all this and like confessed to her and told her instead of calling me back and saying yeah. Yeah. Or anything.

And then she was asking if mom knows, and he kept avoiding the question. Yeah, of course. No, I mean, yeah. Now he's put you and your sister in a position to where, I mean, I don't want to talk bad about your dad. That's a pretty cowardly move. Because he's basically made it y'all's issue now. And now y'all are quickly in danger of your mom not trusting you, and rightfully so, because y'all are holding stuff.

Yeah. Right? So, yeah, I would have, I would tell him, you got 24 hours or 48 hours, and then me and sister are calling mom. Especially if he confessed everything to your other sister. Have everybody, oh, you're six hours away. So it'd have to be a phone call, huh? Yeah, it'd have to be a phone call. Okay. Here's a couple of things I would have you and your sister think through. Number one, what's the purpose of this phone call? Because there's a strong possibility that you call your mom and she's like,

I know I've been dealing with this for 30 years. This is none of your business. That's number one. Number two, it could be this. Now you've put her in a position to choose her kids or her husband, and that's messy. So you know what I'm saying? So what is your purpose in this?

And I would make the purpose, if I'm you, the disclosure, we're not going to have secrets like this inside this family, especially as we get up on the holidays. And we're not going to tell you what to do, mom. If you tell us, hey, we're going to, I'm forgiving dad. It's been a whole thing. Nobody knows what's going on behind closed doors here. I'm forgiving him.

We're working on this together. Great. If you tell us we're burning the house down and I'm going to, whatever, you know what I mean? So I think let her know that you will be in support of whatever decisions she makes. And then you two have to decide what you think of your old man. Yeah. And you're gonna have to grieve that because that's going to, that just sucks. Yeah, it does um does this surprise you or no um not not really he's never done anything like that with um mom but technically me and my oldest sister have a different mom and that's how they ended but that was 15 years ago so y'all you and your sister he had y'all two with another mom and then he cheated on that woman with your mom with with

the new mom no it was another woman in between and she's gone and then we all really love the woman he's married to now. And she pretty much, we all call her mom. We respect her as mom. Do you hear the words you're saying when I just said, hey, has this happened before? And you're like, no, but yeah, several times actually. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This just sucks. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry that this fell in your lap. It shouldn't have. And it did.

And yeah, somebody's got to be the adult in the situation. And unfortunately, it's not your dad. It's y'all. Yeah. And personally, I'm not going to approach it from a gotcha or a can you, like an indignant rage. This is simply, this came, this is happening, mom. And we're heartbroken. And we're not going to keep secrets from one another in this house.

Okay. And there's a way that you can be respectful and let everybody retain their dignity. And then you and your sister decide, like, here's how we're going to talk to dad. We're not going to talk to dad. We're going to be honest with him about how much he broke our hearts and he blew the family up again and, and, and. Or we're going to say, hey, man, this is your life. I hate that you screwed everything up.

There's a six-year-old involved here, which is heartbreaking. There's a whole family involved here, but this is a six-year-old living in this crap. You know what I mean? Yeah, that was one of the hardest things for me was the little one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it's hard for you too, let one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it's hard for you too.

Let's be honest. Yeah, definitely. She's six, but don't collapse your pain too because it's real. But yeah, I'd call them and say, you got 24 hours, 48 hours to act like a grown up after acting like a child for all these years. Or I'm calling mom. And me and sister are calling mom. And by the way, call anyway. Okay. You know what I mean? She's going to need support and love. or I'm calling mom, and me and sister are calling mom. And by the way, call anyway.

Okay. You know what I mean? She's going to need support and love, and she's probably thinking, oh, gosh, these girls are going to side with dad. If you all love her and you respect her and you're heartbroken with her, I think it's important to let her know that we all are standing by her side. Okay. I'm so sorry, Berta.

That just breaks my heart, man. And that poor six-year-old. Jeez. Yeah, Berta, one more thing. That six-year-old, she needs to know she did not break up this family when those questions come out over the next few years. Because she'll start putting two and two together that I picked up this phone and I handed it to big sister and now everything's a mess.

She needs to know dad caused the mess, not her. That's going to be a tough one to unwind. Thanks for the call, Berta. All right, as we wrap up today's show, they surprised me with surprise lyrics. Oh, God. I asked Sarah, what's your favorite song? Sarah, the editor.

We're doing the long version. We're doing all of this. This is what they brought me as her favorite song of all time ever. In fact, I think this is the song that she got married to. Is this the song you got married to? What a strange wedding you had. Yeah.

They played this as they walked down the aisle, and this was their first dance. And this was the song they played as they got into the car and drove away with the cans. All of it. The song is, it didn't even have an author. That's how great this one is. It was composed by Ron Wasserman. Ron Wasserman. You know what, Ron?

Thanks for putting more beauty and joy in the world. Ron. Way to go, Ron. The song is called Go Go Power Rangers, parentheses, long version, close parentheses. They've got a power and a force that you've never seen before.

This is going to screw up the whole Spotify list, but thanks, everybody. They've got a power and a force that you've never seen before. They've got the ability to morph and to even up the score. No one will ever take them down. Oh, we're going to go through this whole song, James, so you want to slow the roll of the music here. The power lies on their side. Go, go, Power side. Go, go

Power Rangers. Go, go Power Rangers. Go, go Power Rangers. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. And I have the reputation of being the immature one on this show. Hashtag just saying. Second verse. They know the fate of the world is lying in their hands.

Ooh, sounds like a politician. They know how to only use their weapons for defense. That was some propaganda shoved in there. No one will ever take them down. Why? Because the power lies on their side. Go, go,

Power Rangers. You mighty morphin' Power Rangers. I can't take it anymore. This is the Dr. John Delaney Show.