The Dr. John Delony Show - Grandma Is Giving Me Guilt Trips…I Need To Set Boundaries

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

It’s almost impossible to agree with family 100% of the time. Listen as we talk with a man struggling with his relative’s racist tendencies, a college student who keeps getting guilt trips from her grandmother, and a man who’s worried his parents will think less of him if he starts ADHD medication. A close family member is a racist bigot & I don't know how to handle it My grandmother is giving me guilt trips & I need to set boundaries I've struggled with attention issues all my life but I'm scared to go on meds Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It - Gabor Maté MD "Girl On Fire" - Alicia Keys Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a man who has a family member who he loves, but who's also a racist bigot. We talk to a woman who's struggling with boundaries with her grandmother, and we talk to a woman who is struggling with attention issues and ADHD, and I know a thing about that. Stay tuned. What's up, What's up? Man, it's so good to see you and hear you and talk to you. I can't see you or hear you. I'm not even talking to you, but so good that we're here together on the Dr. John Deloney show. We talk about mental health, relationships, everything. If you want to be on this show, give me a shout. 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Hey, public service announcement. James, you're the greatest producer ever. I feel like I bagged on you the last show.

Wasn't kind. I don't know how these things roll out in order, but you're great. Thanks. That sounded super sincere. No, I'm being totally serious. What if I had another producer? What if? There's some other shows in this.

Oh, crap. Here's the thing. If you ever quit, I'm going to burn your house down. Not with your family, and I'll make sure y'all are gone somewhere. Whatever. Like, whatever. Like, I don't know family, and I'll make sure y'all are gone somewhere. Whatever. Like, I don't know. Threshing wheat or whatever y'all do out there. But I won't burn your house down.

That sounded mean. But I'll be sad. There's so many other producers in the building that aren't good, and you're not one of them. And this show's hard. So thank you, James. Austin, sitting in for Jenna, sitting in for Kelly.

I'm glad to have you too. And I'm jealous of your beard. I haven't shaved in like nine months and this is all I've got. It's embarrassing. It's ridiculous. I'm gonna go through puberty one day. It's gonna be awesome. All right, let's go to Mark in Milwaukee.

What's up, brother Mark? Good morning. How are you? Oh, I'm doing real well. How are you doing this morning? Real well too. That's great. What's up, man? Well, excuse me have a family number that I'm really close with. And at the same time, we can't have a face to face without like screaming matches. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that in my perspective, he is just an indescribable bigot and I can't let it go hmm that's hard man so how do you hold in

two different hands how do you hold one he's a great man and then the other hand he's a bigot that is so hard to be around, I lose my character and temper. That's why I'm calling. Gotcha. I think, especially with people we love, especially people we respect,

or people that we are in some sort of forced community with, we often have a picture of them that we make up and we impose it on them. And then their reality bangs up against that picture. And we, we end up being the ones that go crazy. And so I want to challenge your original picture that this person in your life is a good person or a great person or a person worthy of one second of your time. So give me some things that make this character traits that make this person a great person.

Oh, very family oriented, extremely driven, loyal, loving where he chooses to show it. Um, it's very, he's giving, um, and I don't, part of it is, you know, obviously the, the mental framework and values that I was raised with. So that's got a lot to do with where it's coming from in terms of my, my respect for the guy. Okay. So when the, all the things you told me there's a, you can,

it has a fascinating twist on them. Driven, loyal, loving, giving. I wrote some of these down. These are all traits that when you step back and look at somebody, can point to a person of character. But it can also point to somebody who is obsessed with control.

Oh. No comment. So when somebody Uses love As a weapon It's this way and you get my love It's not this way And I'm done with you

Or I'm done with that group of people Or people who look like that Or act like that Or love like that Whatever the thing is I will give generously obnoxiously only if you're in my good graces and here's how you get in my good graces I will be loyal to the ends of the earth for only my tribe with

which I describe the you know you see what I'm saying? Oh, a hundred percent. These things can be really, I mean, this is how I, I, this is how I, I look at the people around me. Like are people I associate with, are they generous and giving the friends that I have when we go to dinner, the fights over who's paying, not who's not paying. I remember back in college, we almost came to fistfights over it. I'm paying this check for this table. I'm paying this check.

It was a thing. And they're overly generous. And I've got friends who are overly loving and overly obnoxiously, overly loyal. But it's a selfless type of love and generosity, not one that helps control the world around them. Right? So when you say like a major bigot, what does that mean? Somehow, in every conversation, racism gets thrown in and it's just peppered in like it's normal.

And I see white. Yeah. And I don't mean that in the racist way. I mean, I was going to say who's racist here, Mark. Just kidding. So yeah, it's, it, I'm like, Whoa, hit the brakes right here, right now. I don't care what we're doing. I don't care where we are. I just, I just snap and this person is not going to not be in my life. So I need tools or tricks. And see, I want to press on that. Why all that button down? Why have you, why have you trapped yourself? Number one, on behalf of humanity, thank you for standing up

and saying, that's not okay. I'm grateful for that voice. We need more voices like that. Okay. Thank you for that. Why have you locked yourself into, I will be in this person's life and this person will be allowed into my life and to my kid's life? Well, since I only called him to talk to you about one topic. I don't know if you ever listen to this show. It's never about one topic. Well, right.

Yeah. No, but we don't want to peel back that cover too far right now. Okay. I trust you. He's in my nuclear family. Okay. And my nuclear family are not the only people I can count on, you know, like underscored count on. But it's pretty much, you know, I don't have a huge friend circle.

And so it's, yeah. So let me, let's change this up a little bit. Let's take racism out of here. All right. Rage, not anger, but rage kills us. We know that. Yes. And so let's pretend that you have a family member

who's a great person, great guy. And every time you'll hang out, he hands you a cup of poison and says, drink this. And when you do, you lose control of your body. You lose a couple of months off of your life. Your blood pressure goes up. For the next 72 hours, you can't think clearly. You don't want to be around your other loved ones.

And then you begin to doubt your own sanity and your own convictions about things because of what they cost you. And that's it. Guy's great, nice, kind, just has you drink a cup of poison every week. How long do you begin to value your mental health and your physical health and your spiritual health over that.

And when I say value, how long till you just say, I got to go make some friends that don't ask me to drink poison? Well, when you put it that way. Exactly. Ultimately, Mark, this is the value proposition here is you. You don't value you enough because you've created a world

where this has to be acceptable because I don't have these other things. And I want to tell you, you can go get those other things. You're worthy of having boundaries where people aren't disgusting. You're worthy of saying, this is wrong, and this is where I draw this line.

And that means there's a reality to that. It's also worthy of going to meet other guys, meet other men and women in your life that can come over, that can help you change a tire, that can help you fill in the blank, fill in the blank. And you're brave for making this call. There are millions of people going through this right now, whether it's racism,

whether it's any marginalized group, COVID conversations, whatever it is, people think I have to take this dose of poison. Otherwise the rest of my life falls apart. And I challenge that wholeheartedly. What I hear often is people say, oh my gosh, I didn't realize that by holding the line on this boundary, A, there was six other family members that were like, oh, thank God.

Now we can have the conversation. Or I didn't realize how fun Thanksgiving could be. I've hated it for 30 years. I didn't realize that it could be a joyful holiday with just a couple of knuckleheaded friends and strangers I didn't even know and watch football and played around and played domino. I didn't realize that there was this much laughter

that could be had. That's what I hear often. But to ultimately answer your question, you can't control his behavior. You can only control the boundaries you put up. And I want you to know you're worthy of strong boundaries. Do other people in your family

not call bullcrap on this? No. Well, okay. Not the people that I interact with. There are some... There are a few others that I think probably would, but I don't,

I don't spend time with them. So just physical location, et cetera. Yeah. I want you to have a life of peace, brother. Well, you and me both.

Thank you. Well, so, but both. Thank you. Well, so, but the next part of that is this. You're choosing right now to not have a life of peace. And I know that sounds awful and I just put you in a corner,

but that's the choice. And I know, also know we could probably, there's probably more complex, more complexity to this story. You know, if you and I were hanging out and you could be like, and and this and this um but i want you

to have peace in your life brother and right now you're choosing this relationship and this toxicity and you're choosing just to drink poison just so you can keep this connection that's why people stay in abusive marriages it's why people stay in, keep going to the same Christmas event for 30 years in a row. It's why people stay in toxic jobs with bosses that beat them up physically and spiritually and mentally. It's, just look around in our country, man. We're struggling. You're worthy of saying, I'm going to be around people who love, not people who hate. Grateful for the call, Brother Mark. We'll be right back with the Dr. John DeLonghi show.

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will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Megan in Knoxville, Tennessee. What's up, Megan? Hey, how are you doing? I'm good. How are you in Knoxville? Y'all having fun? Yeah, I'm enjoying it. Very cool. Just a few hours down the road from me. What's up? How can I help? Well, I have a question related to family boundaries, specifically with my grandmother. We just had a call just like that. This is going to

be the boundary show. All right, so bring it on. What's up? Okay, so I am a senior at the University of Tennessee. And when I started college here, I started calling my grandmother. And it became an everyday thing. So I have called her every day for the past three years or more. And, you know, we've gotten really close because of it. It's been good. Why did you start calling?

We started getting closer that summer before I left a college. And then it was kind of like positive reinforcement. Like she was very happy to be receiving these calls. She would make comments to the family, even comparing like Megan calls me every day or Hannah never calls me. You became the golden. Yes, you became the golden granddaughter. Are you all in the same town? Even comparing like Megan calls me every day or Hannah never calls me, but at least I can count on Megan. Yes, you became the golden granddaughter. Are you all in the same town or you all live in different cities? So she lives an hour away from me. I'm actually in that town right now.

Okay. To the east. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, okay. So you've been calling every day for three years. Yes.

Most married couples don't talk to each other that often, so well done. I know. So moving forward, I have begun to realize that it is less of a good call and I'm enjoying it. It's more of this obligation and a checkbox. I'll plan my day like, oh, I got to call her at this time and I'll try to plan it just so I can make sure that I said, okay, I did call her because I have missed a couple of times. And when I have, she will remember and she makes a point of it like, oh yeah, I know you didn't call me yesterday. I was thinking you were leaving me to the side or something like that.

So essentially- What a great, that's a great power move. That's a great guilt trip move. Well done. So I'm trying to wean off of it because I'm applying to grad school. Is that a good way to say it? I mean, you wean off of anxiety meds, you wean off of-

Of calling grandmother., grandma's calls. That's right. Yeah. And cause I'm moving on to a different phase of my life. I'm applying to grad school right now. Um, I have a new relationship. Things are getting a little bit busier and it's not that I wouldn't have time to call her every day. You know, if you, if you want to do something, you can make time for it, but I don't know if I want to call her every day. And now I just feel like she has this expectation and she's even made comments about my sister who doesn't call at all. Like, well, at least I can count on you. I know you'll call me every day. And I've kind of said, you know, grandma, sometimes in the future, I might not

be able to. And she's like, well, I sure hope not. I hope that doesn't happen. I guess I'm just thinking forward to the future. You know, if I have a family and kids and stuff, am I going to be able to call my grandma every day? So I'm going to free you from this. You don't have to feel guilty for not calling your grandma every day. Thank you.

You're free. Be free. I do think a a what's the right way to say it some sort of boundary conversation would be helpful and just know that any sort of boundary conversation

is going to come with somebody who receives the boundary conversation really banging their head up against that boundary to see if it holds or not. And so if you say, hey, grandma, we're going to go down to once a week. I'm entering into a bonkers season of my life. We're going to go down to once a week. I'm going to call you every Sunday at whatever. You provide yourself some clarity. You provide her some clarity. And then she's going to get upset with you. She's going to say, well, I don't know what I did to hurt your feelings,

or I don't know why you don't love me anymore. And that's where you, this is going to be so hard, but you as the grownup have to know that those kind of comments are not about you. That's about her. That's her choosing to try to exert power over a young woman. In the counseling, we call it the one down position. And instead of saying like, your dad might one up position, say, you will call me every day or I cut off your cell phone because I have bigger muscles than you and bigger paychecks. Grandma in the one down position goes, oh, okay.

I thought you loved me, but if you don't, then okay. I hate to be a burden to you, and I know you're – I thought I was more important than your boyfriend in school, but if I'm not, then that's great. That's one down position nonsense. See? Yeah. Here's what really sucks. You can't control grandma.

And you have to decide, am I going to give her permission to speak into every corner of my life or is she going to be my grandmother? Yeah. I think in the way my mind works, I'm like, okay, if I just plan this out perfectly, I can control her reaction, but that's not the case, I guess. You can't. No, you can't. The best way you can do is be honest with her, treat her with dignity, treat her with respect. And if you set up a new boundary, you uphold your end of the bargain. So if you say, I'm going to call you every Monday at 8 a.m. or whatever, then build that into your world. Or if you say, hey, instead of calling, I want to start writing letters back and forth.

That might be a good thing. Let's start mailing each other letters. I don't get any mail. I'm running out of time or I can't do these phone calls anymore. Or like you said, I don't want to be on the phone all day, every day. I'm working on talking on the phone less,

but I do want to write letters to you. And I do love getting letters because I don't get them. And I know you're still in college. You may not even know what a letter is. I like letters. I actually just sent out Christmas cards. Yeah. Imagine if you got a Christmas card every week. They're the best. Write each other letters. I'm trying to think of maybe something like that. But at the end of the day, this has become an area of esteem for you. And even though you don't like it, it kind of feels awesome when she talks trash about her other grandkids, including your sister.

And you're the best one. It's kind of awesome. And it kind of is lame too. And it's time to let that kind of stuff go. And just know this is going to hurt. She's going to make you feel really guilty. And you're going to feel guilty. Well, because she doesn't really have many people is the thing.

She doesn't really have friends. That's a choice that she's made. Yeah. That's a choice that she's making on a daily basis, and I hate that. Does your mom call her or your dad? That's the thing. That's where this is. It's my mom's mom.

My mom also has, since we moved here to Tennessee for the past, I don't know, 10 years, she has called her every day too. And then it kind of, so she'll use, it's my mom and me that call her every day. Those are the real two people that she has interacting with her on a regular basis. So in a weird way. But she does still have my mom. Yeah, sorry mom, you got to call have my mom. You're, yeah, sorry mom, you gotta call twice a day.

You are basically your grandmother's anxiety medication. Is that fair? It could be, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's not your job. Your job is just love your grandmother. And I've noticed the, I've started to resent it a little bit. There you go. And that,

ultimately that's where this all ends up is instead of feeling guilty about not calling, you call and you call and you call even when I don't have time, even when I don't want to, even when I've got other things I really need to get done. And then you land in resentment world.

And then you start to not like your grandmother because you make it her fault that you can't not call. That's exactly what it is. And sometimes I even notice myself getting so annoyed with her for nothing, just because I'm like, oh. Yes, because you're in resentment.

Remember this when you get married, because this will show up again somewhere. Are you going to marry this person you're with? I hope so. Oh, gross. Are they cool? Yeah. Okay. So there's going to be things that drive you crazy about them.

And you can feel guilty about saying something and just choose to not say anything. Like, I really, drives me bonkers when you leave your shoes out. Or can we all just agree to put our shoes up? Or I'm just not going to say anything. I know they're working hard and I don't i'll I'll feel guilty And then that turns into resentment. So just know choose guilt over resentment every time every time And choose dignity over all of it, right? So being honest with your grandmother letting her know what's up choosing I'm, not gonna let her

Make me feel bad for For setting boundaries up in my life I'm, just to make that choice. And you have to practice it. If she does get upset about it? Hey, let's back that up. 100% chance she will. Okay.

1,000% chance she will. There is no way to manage the soft land of this thing. She's going to view it as a breakup and as though she is in your way and you have chosen grad school or some romantic interest or some dog or some pet or that you're choosing these things over her. She's forced herself into this binary. It's me or everything else, which is not how any relationship should be. But you know who else does that?

Children, young children. Daddy, don't go to work. You should stay here and play. I got to go to work. Well, if you loved me, you'd stay home and play. No, if I loved you, I'd go get a job so that you can eat. You're right. And such it is.

In an ideal world, your grandmother says, you're going to grad school? That's incredible. You're not going to have time to talk to me every day. Let's talk once a week. And I want to hear all about it. And I want to hear about this knuckleheaded person you're in love with and all those things. That's an ideal perfect world

because that's a grandmother who's interested in your success and your time and trusts you to be a good steward of your life. Unfortunately, we don't all get that. I'll pray that that is the answer, but I don't think that's going to be knowing my grandma. 100% chance it won't be. 100% chance.

But you're still worth it anyway. Is that fair? Yeah. All right, so get your boundary lined up. Maybe go ahead and tell your mom, too, this is coming. Hey, I'm going to have a talk with grandmother. And maybe write a letter, too, and mail it so that she can know how exciting it is to get a letter from you. I don't know, or something.

But yeah, there is no way to soft land this one. Just be honest, be direct, treat your grandmother with dignity. And then when she starts her guilt tripping, choose in your heart to say, that's her processing her loneliness. That's her processing her grief. That's not mine to own. She's a grownup. She's a brilliant, strong grandmother. And she's making this choice. And maybe she'll get some buddies she can hang out with every day. That'd be even more awesome. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. All right, let's take one more call.

Let's go to, is it Judea? Judea? Judea. Judea. In Oklahoma, in Oakland, California. Judea, I In Oakland, California Judea, I'm struggling with the old reading today Sorry about that How are you? No worries

I'm great, how are you? Excellent Okay, say it for me Judea Judea What's the origin of that name? It's beautiful Thank you

It's a I'm not Jewish But it is a Jewish name Yes You can find it in the Bible Actually in the Christmas story Thank you. It's a, I'm not Jewish, but it is a Jewish name. Yes. You can find it in the Bible, actually, in the Christmas story. Oh, my gosh. That was a great flex. What's your name from?

The Bible. Well done. I'm from Scripture. Where are you from? My name is another term for toilet. So thanks for bringing that up, Judea. Much appreciated. All right. So what's up? How can I help? I've had attention issues ever since I can remember.

I have no idea what that's like. Continue. Oh man. Okay. So tell me about them. So it was a really big stressor in my and my family's life all growing up. And I feel like it still haunts me to this day. I'm now an adult with my dream job, and I'm struggling harder than ever to keep up with my coworkers. My current therapist suggests I consider medication or seeking a diagnosis for something like adult ADHD, but I'm afraid it will hurt me. I wanted to get a second opinion, but it's still something that I'm open to considering. Gotcha. Okay. So when you say you've got attention challenges, tell me what that means. Give me some, paint me a real picture of what that looks like. That means I'll start on a task or I'll start

trying to listen to something. For example, like when I was a kid in class, I'd maybe listen for about five minutes and then you're gone. Like something would, yep. Then I was gone. Something would be difficult and my mind would just wander. I never really had the hyperactivity issue, but I could sit there and look like I was paying attention. But that's common with, with especially young, young girls.

Um, they look like they are plugged in and their minds are off to the races. Boys, and again, I don't want to unnecessarily gender it, but the data tells me boys will bang their heads on things, but girls can be equally out too. Have you, over the course of your lifetime or working with your counselor, have you identified some places where your brain checks out for you? I think a few, mostly with academic type pursuits. So when I'm trying to learn a new skill at work or something that seems really complicated, it's as if I just say, I'm out, I can't do this. Okay. What is your brain protecting you from there?

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I definitely have a fear of failure. I've been working really hard on that. Where does that come from? Who gave you that? I don't know. I wouldn't say my family is super perfectionistic, but my mom was really hard on herself when she was growing up to make sure that she got good grades. And I think, um, because she came from kind of a difficult situation, I think she was always worried that, um, the same would happen to me. But if I wasn't able to pay attention and do well in school, then, um, I wouldn't be able to get a good job as an adult. How was your parents' marriage growing up fantastic they were always um they gave me a really good

picture of what a great marriage should be like awesome so what about my dating life now i look for people who are kind like my dad is awesome about, um, what about brothers and sisters? I've got a younger brother and, um, he tells me that he's had some attention issues too. Yeah. Um, so you may have heard this show. We think we did a whole episode on this maybe a year and a half ago or so. Um, Gabor Mate, M-A-T-E wrote a book. I think it's called Scattered. Um, I think that's it. Is that it? It's the, what I consider the masterpiece on ADHD, attention challenges.

And so before I did anything, I would read that book. And when I say it's a masterpiece, I mean, I sat there and wept through the book and then I gave it to my wife because I've because I hadn't had my life peeled back. And I've read – you name it. I've read every book on ADHD just trying to figure out where is this. Often it stems from some sort of childhood chaos or some sort of trying to connect relationally. Go ahead. There was a period of time right after 9-11, I think in the years following, where my mom was military.

So there was kind of this, she was reserves, but there was kind of this understanding that there could be a time when mom would get called to go overseas. And I think that might have had something to do with it. I think maybe I would— Absorb some of that? I was really little when they kind of showed the attacks over television. So as a little kid, that's—I mean, as anyone at that time, that's really traumatic. Yeah, and they've even traced some of this back to maternal stress, like prenatally, like when somebody's pregnant. So if your mom's in the military and she's pregnant,

or she's trying to figure out what she's going to do, there's so much there that all I have to say is this, often the attention issues are a result of your body trying to make sense of chaos and i live with this every single day of my life and so i'm telling i'm speaking as to somebody you and i are in the same club here okay okay um i'm not opposed to medication but when it comes to adhd man i want to see somebody go to the ends of the earth. And so whenever, mainly because you get on a stimulant track and there's no way off, the only move is to increase stimulants for the rest of your life. And the downstream effects of some of those things are dramatic.

And that's what I'm afraid of. But it also feels like that I've tried everything else. I feel like I've tried changing my diet. I've tried just trying to white knuckle it through times when I'm having a hard time paying attention. What brings you peace? I think knowing that I'm capable of accomplishing the task at hand or knowing that I'm capable of taking care of myself. Nope, not that. What brings you peace?

Are you dating somebody now? Yeah. Do you like them? Yeah. Like you like, like them or just like, eh, eh. I like, like them quite a bit. Okay. So far it's been a very good relationship.

How long? Really only about eight months. So it's still kind of in the beginning stages. That's a thousand years in dating world these days. So good for you. Thank you. So is there moments when y'all are together and he's either holding you or you're holding hands

and your feet are propped up and your body goes... Yeah. Off and I'm not speaking this into your life okay. I hear this often that people who struggle with attention issues with ADHD with some sort of I'll just say

with the ADD world there can be a ping pong relationally whether it's with multiple partners, multiple people, multiple relationships, depth of relationship, because there's something about connection with somebody else that makes everything go, all right, we're okay. And it's a brain trying to solve for connection desperately. And some people solve for connection through perfectionism.

I will score my way into your heart. I will prove or earn my way into good relationship with you. The same exact thing, just the other side of the equation, is I will burn this down so you will see me. Drugs help. Is it ringing true what I'm saying? Maybe not. Yeah, I'm definitely more the, I will score my way into someone else's heart type person. Gotcha. And I'm the same. That's why I got two PhDs, not because I'm smart, but because I was on this continual treadmill to prove to the world and to myself

and to a few people who didn't know I was trying to prove myself to them that I was capable and smart and blah, blah, blah. This was, I mean, now I'm celebrated for it. I got a job because of it, but it was purely running tactics for me. And it was chasing, chasing, chasing. And it's when I was able to settle

into an actual relationship. And by the way, I was married for 10 years before I figured this out. Really? And then I had to practice what does being in a relationship mean? Not that my marriage is fine. I didn't know how to accept love. I didn't know how to accept peace. I didn't know how to accept love.

I didn't know how to accept peace. I didn't know how to accept calm. I didn't know what that was. And calm felt like quitting. Calm felt like less than. Peace felt like, well, you could be doing this. And so I was always spun up. And so then my body has to adjust and over toggle.

And when things get complex, it goes, we gone, we out. That is exactly what I'm experiencing. And the loop never stops. In fact, the loop gets tighter and tighter because my guess is when you're up and you're on, you outwork everybody around you. Is that fair? Yeah. When I'm really on, I'm 100%. Unstoppable.

10%. Yes. Yeah. And you get more done, I'm 100%. Unstoppable. I'm 10%. Yes. Yeah. And you get more done in those times than everybody else does. And so when you fall off, you're able to duct tape it together, get it across, or just be like, hey, I need an extension on this, whatever, until you can find up the gumption to white knuckle a thing and get it done. I'm having a hard time getting back up at the moment, I think. That's exactly right. Because then you run into something like, I don't know, like a pandemic for a few years,

and your body just goes, hey, how about this? We're done. I'm out. Right? I'm out. Yeah. I started this job during the pandemic, and that was very difficult for me. Yes.

Yes. Because your body's trying to deal with all the other threats, too. Yeah. So I'm going to tell you the few things that have worked in my life, and they are hard and they are annoying. Okay. Some of it is coming to truth and peace with the stories I was born into. Meaning my mom and dad are two extraordinary people. And I'm going to do some things differently with my kids.

And I had to own that gap. I had to go back and figure out what is my six-year-old self still trying to solve? And it's almost always, it's a worthiness in relationship issue. Yeah. And so there's a season of anger towards your parents or your brother and sister or towards your teachers or whatever. There's a season of shame.

I can't believe I let that, whatever. And then you hopefully get to a season of peace, which is, dang it, there was people just loving me the best way they could with the tools they had. And it's incredible. I'm so grateful. I've come around to it with the help of my therapist and she's been absolutely monumental

in that. Awesome. Awesome. So then the next things were the things that you mentioned, diet, exercise, community, other people. Often ADHD folks don't like to be in community with other people because they can't control the interactions.

And it's when I started making time to be with friends, even though it didn't feel like productive time, it was just being, when I made the switch in my head, being with my friends, watching the fights for four hours, just sitting on chairs, running our mouths and talking crap about nothing.

That's productive time for my body is when my body went, all right, cool, let's do that then. I had to make peace with it. Is that hard for you? Or do you like that? Do you like more one-on-one interactions? Or do you like being the life of the party?

It depends. It really depends. Yes. When your body's exhausted or when it's not. I love it. We're basically the same human, except you're cooler than me because your body's exhausted or when it's not. I love it. We're basically the same human except you're cooler than me because your name's from the Bible, not after a toilet. It's awesome. Thanks.

Sleep has become the main player in my life. Sleep, sugar, and screen time are the three major players in my life. If I go a couple of days with no screens, I find my ability to plug in and be on task to be 10X what it normally is. One quick question about that. Okay. How do you do that when you're a computer animator? You build in on time and off time. Okay. And unfortunately for a computer, computer animator, your downtime can't be the office.

It has to be nature. Okay. Okay. And that I, your downtime has to be, I'm really glad to say that I'm into outdoor sports too. Yes, yes,

yes. So your downtime will be, I've got to always have a season of something. Okay. And leaning into nature. That's the other one that the research keeps coming back saying that people who go out into nature, it begins, they call them nature baths. Now it heals you. I'll spend time hiking in the woods, not even in an urban setting if I can. I'll go on hike trails or walk trails or whatever.

And I won't have a podcast in. I'm going to let my brain and body rest because it's so spun up. And I'm going to double down, triple down, quadruple down on connection. And connection not for my value with somebody else, but connection and learning to receive the fact that I'm okay. I'm an all right guy. One of the great moments I had in therapy

I walked out of a session And I felt a hundred pounds lighter And the words that came into my head were Oh my gosh I don't suck Like I'm not a piece of crap And I don't know where I got that from My parents never told me that

My community never told me that I just over time had piled that one up That's exactly how I feel too told me that. My community never told me that. I just, over time, had piled that one up. That's exactly how I feel too. Nobody's ever told me that I'm a piece of crap, but I've always thought that I was. And often that comes from, oh, you got a 93? Wow. You only missed one, huh? If you'd gotten one more right, it would have been 100. Or, man, you look so good in that dress. If you lost five pounds, you would be a supermodel. Or, oh, you're making 48,000 a year? Man, you got to like, man, next time,

make sure you negotiate better so you can get 55. And it's not that somebody says you suck. They just move the carrot on you every single time. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah, that's very fair. And what I want you to come to terms with, come to peace with is I'm all right. I have value. That doesn't mean you don't live a disciplined life. ADHD people have to have a highly, highly disciplined life. Highly disciplined life. If I

don't exercise, the rest of my day falls apart. I know that. I just know it and I hate it. It sucks. It's my life though. And I've made peace with my life. And there are days when I have to get this book done. I just finished a manuscript and got it sent in. The last two weeks was some of the, like two of the hardest weeks of my life. It was a absolute mind numumbing grind. I was angry. I sent emails I probably shouldn't have sent. I mean, I was just angry all the time. And I know now, my family knows, I know, my friends know, my coworkers know, we're entering that season. I let people know. I'm not going to be fun to be around for the next two weeks because I got to finish this thing and I got to push through.

And there is seasons when that's just part of life for us. But it's not always. Okay. Do you feel like you're going to get fired from your job? No, but it's a fear that keeps me up at night. There you go. That's anxiety. Especially now when I feel like I'm struggling to learn.

Yes, that's anxiety. So you have permission to learn. You have permission to ask questions. You have permission to say, I don't understand this. Can you help me? And that is not an indicator that you're dumb or that you don't have character. That means you have to learn different ways. And somehow for most of us, that stuff got jumbled up. If you don't get this grade on this test, you're an idiot. And if you're an idiot, I love you less. Or if I can't learn a thing as fast as that guy on that computer over there, then he's going to get the raise. I'm not going to get the raise.

And then suddenly I'm five years into the future where I'm fired and homeless. Yeah, that's exactly where my brain goes. That's anxiety. Okay. Okay. I'm going to send you a free copy of my book, Red goes. That's anxiety. Okay. Okay, I'm going to send you a free copy of my book, Redefining Anxiety, okay? It's really short and it clears it up really quick. And if you want, how about this?

I'm going to send you two and I want you to take one to your counselor and y'all can read it together, okay? That sounds fantastic. Thank you so much. You got it. So stay on the line and Jenna's going to get you a copy of it. Actually, Jenna's back.

Austin left in the middle of the show, by the way, to the people who are listening. Jenna's back, and I want you to read that book. It's real short. You can read it in like an afternoon. And then I want you to go, oh. I believe, I don't have any data. I believe that ADHD is on the anxiety trend line. It's a body's response to chaos

that turns into every alarm bell we got ringing at every time. And most of our alarms ring because we're disconnected from relationships. I wish it was more complex than that. Now, you solve for relationship, you solve for peace, you solve for the anxiety,

and you make peace with the fact that your brain is supercharged. I consider ADHD my superpower. Let me put it this way. We got into some editorial debates here in the office. I took a week off of work and wrote 81,000 words. I started over from the very beginning of the book in five days. Wow. That's a supercharged brain. That's my superpower. And my family left the state. They went to Texas. They're like, we're going to let you do this on your own because it's not going to be a pretty sight around here. And so I've made peace with it. My family's made peace with it. We got it done. It was brutal. It was hard. And then Jennifer, who's the editor on this book with me, oh gosh, when she dies, she's just on an express lane to the afterlife.

They'll wave her in because of this one season. She's such a saint. But I know that. And so I'm going to treat people kindly and with dignity. And I know I'm going to have seasons where I just have to grind something out. And it's awful. And it sucks. And I got to do it. And I got to do it again. And I got to do it again. And I'm not happy. And I hate it. And so I'm going to treat people kindly and with dignity. And I know I'm going to have seasons where I just have to grind something out. And it's awful. And it sucks. I got to do it.

And I got to do it again. I got to do it again. And I'm not happy. And I hate it. It's driving me crazy. And there's going to be days when this is my superpower. And I can outwork everybody. All of that starts with loving yourself in relationship.

Thank you so, so much for the call. Just so you know, your bravery, just speaking this out loud is going to help a whole, whole bunch of people. I'm grateful for you. Thank you. Cool cool stay on the line and we'll get your information we'll get you the book send out alright thank you so so much for your call

man James you couldn't have picked a better song this was also I got this man I had a used CD haul the other day minor threats like all of the records all of them on one CD it was so great who else did we get

the Dropkick Murphys an old Bad Brains record and Alicia Keys record oh my gosh she's so good and Taylor Swift I got Taylor Swift record it's so good

Alicia Keys man I love this song this song this is for our friend Judea. Her name is from the Bible, and the song is called... So is yours, by the way. You've read the book of John, yes?

There's a few Johns. Those are four of them, I think. I don't know. I'm just trying to make a joke. There goes James getting all Jesus on me. Yes, it's from the Bible, too. Hey, Kelly's here. She's coming to look over Jenna Soldier.

Jenna, nevermind. All right, the song is called Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys and it goes like this. She's just a girl and she's on fire. Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway. She's living in a world and it's on fire. Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away. Oh, she got both feet on the ground and she's burning it down. She got her head in the

clouds and she's not backing down. This girl is on fire. Oh my gosh. I hope Alicia, if you're listening to this, which for sure you are, call me. Let's duet. This girl is on fire. She's walking on fire. This girl's on fire. I don't even know what this means, but it sounds incredible. We're all on fire. It's awesome.

See you soon on the Dr. John Delaney Show.