The Dr. John Delony Show - Greatest Hits Vol. 1

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

On today’s show, we’re looking back at some of the most memorable calls, including: - A mom-to-be keeping a MAJOR secret - A husband married to a 49-year-old virgin - A man having sexual fantasies about his mother-in-law To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I've been having some really annoying dreams regarding my mother-in-law. Personal relationships kind of dream, you know. Yeah. Awkward. That may be the understatement of planet Earth. I mean, it was awkward. You're going to have to make a decision that I don't want this in my head anymore.

What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Greatest mental health and marriage and parenting show ever, ever recorded. Says my mom. Hey, listen, I'm so glad that you're here. On this show, we talk about mental health. We talk about marriage. We talk about parenting. We talk about all a bunch of hard stuff. Real challenges that real people are going through.

These are your neighbors. These are the people that sit by you at church. These are the people that work with you. These are you. Real people struggle with real stuff. It could be mental health. It could be emotional health. It could be about your marriage or relationships falling apart. It could be about the wildest situations imaginable.

My promise here is that I'll pull up a seat next to you and I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what to do next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. And by the way, if you send me a long DM, if you slide into my DMs, I'll say that all. If you slide into my DMs and you send me a long direct message about what's going on. I'm not going to answer it. I don't answer any questions like that on, on social media, only, um, johndeloney.com slash ask or 1-844-693-3291. Um, so if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz or write We have added a jillion new listeners, like an unfathomable amount of listeners.

Um, every month we keep getting these scores where it's the greatest month ever. And then it's followed by the greatest month ever. And it's the greatest month ever. And we're so excited to have so many new people. It's such an honor that you guys are walking with us and giving us your most precious resource, which is your time. And so in honor of all the new listeners, and for those of y'all who have been OGs with us, right?

The OG17, the original 17 listeners who just hung in there and hung in there and hung in there. We're doing a very special greatest hits episode. We're going all the way back to 2021 with some of the wildest, a little bit Jerry Springer-ish calls to A, if you were with us in 2021, a couple of years ago, you'll be like, oh gosh, I remember this call.

I forgot all about this call. And if you're new, you'll be able to go, whoa, whoa, like, wait till they see my whoa. And they're going to have different show graphics. I'll probably be wearing different things. My hair will look ridiculous, but these are some of our greatest hits

from 2021. Stay with us. Check it out. Alright, let's go to Mark in Los Angeles, California. What is up, Mark? Hi there, California. What is up, Mark? Hi there, Dr. Looney. Thanks for having me.

What's up, man? How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you? I'm doing good. So how can I help, man? So recently, I found out that a few years before meeting my wife, she was working as an escort. And she had kept this a

secret from me. And I can understand why she didn't want me knowing about it. She told me she hated it. It's something she was ashamed of, maybe a little traumatized by it. She did it for the money. She had debt. And eventually she got addicted to the lifestyle and continued to do it. And now we're married and we're expecting a baby. And I'm just wondering how I can move forward without that image of the past painting our relationship and getting in the way of our marriage. That's a lot, brother. That is a lot. Thanks for sharing that. How long have you been married?

Only a couple months. Only a few months, huh? And how far along is little baby? About 25 weeks. 25 weeks. Wow. Okay. Is it becoming real yet?

You're about to be a dad? Yeah, it's definitely real, but I'm excited for it. That's awesome man okay so you said you don't know how to feel what you should feel about this so tell me what do you feel about this

be honest as you can don't lie to me or yourself or to the 17 or 18 listeners of this show I think the first thing I felt was... No, no, no, no. Don't start with, I think... How do you feel?

I feel lied to, deceived. Okay. Maybe jealous. Okay. Hurt. Angry. Yeah. What else?

I think I, I'm sorry. I feel it's definitely gotten in the way of my trust. Yeah, you think? Yeah. What else? I don't know. I think there's just so many different things going in my mind

I don't know where to even begin so just begin don't overthink it yeah I'm saying just begin you're angry you're pissed off, you're heartbroken, you're just sad. What kept you from just packing up and walking out the door? Most of us, the story we would tell ourself is, if one day our wife sat down and said, BT Dubs, I was an escort before we got married, but it's all good now.

Pass the syrup. The story we tell ourselves is we'd be like, I'm out of there, bro. You didn't do that. How come? I love her. I mean, we've had a good relationship so far not the best it's had its rocky points but well it's built on lies it was yeah you know what i mean so yeah i would imagine it's like saying man yeah the the the our boat trip was pretty rocky and it's like, yeah, there's big holes in that boat.

Full of water. You can see that. How long did y'all date before you got married? It's been about a year now. Okay. And... So you love her. You've known her for about a year. You got married.

You're having a baby. What do you want to do? I want to make this relationship work. This is something in her past, and I don't really have a reason not to... I don't really have a reason to believe that it's something that has happened since we've been together.

And she's been good to me. And I want to take care of the family. Is she in on this too? Yeah, she's in 100%. How'd you find out? So when we got married, we had, uh, our own hard drive,

like our own files on our computers and we put them onto one. And so just one day I was going through and I found some old photos and, uh, like messages. From the agencies. What was that feeling like? It was like my heart sank. Yeah.

That's when you can feel your organs fall out of the bottom of your, you know, when you're just sitting there and your stomach drops. So I found out and then I, I asked her about it that night and she was a little hesitant, so I found out and then I asked her about it that night and she was a little hesitant she didn't want to talk about it but since then she's been

completely honest as far as I know and I think the key here is as far as you know okay so here's the reality of your situation. And it sounds sensational, right? Most of us don't wake up and the person we married a few months in lets us know or we find out that they used to be an escort, right? A prostitute. That doesn't usually happen. But almost always, not almost always, but often,

you wake up and you find things out about your spouse. They had a past. They didn't tell you the full of this. They didn't think to even explain that. They didn't think this was a big deal or whatever that happens to be. So at the end of the day, here's what you're wrestling with. You're wrestling with two things. One, a shattered picture of the woman you just married,

the future mother of your kid, and of this fantasy of marriage that you had, right? And two, you're dealing with a significant violation of trust. So the violation of trust is something you're going to have to lean into, be honest about, and continue to work towards healing, right? And she's going to have to understand that she violated that trust. If you say, I forgive you, if you say, I am fully in and I love you and we are moving forward Then you're not going to be able to beat her up On this deal. You're not gonna be able to bring it up when you get mad five years from now

You're gonna have moments of insecurity You're gonna have moments of when she's late coming home and you're gonna have to choose to not use those moments as weapons Because you said I forgive you and you said going to have to choose to not use those moments as weapons because you said, I forgive you. And you said, I'm all in. And as part of the rebuilding trust process, you're going to be able to say, Hey, I'm just checking in. You're late coming home, everything good. And that she's going to know that part of her rebuilding trust process is being completely open and not getting her feelings hurt when you ask her to check in. Okay?

You got a lot of healing to do. Right? And that's going to be frustrating and hard and messy, and you're all going to stumble through that. But if you're both all in, you're both all in. Right? The second part of this is your picture looks all screwed up. Right? She's not who you thought she was.

Right? We all have a past. We weren't all prostitutes, but we all have a past, right? That just sounded bonkers to even say out loud. So what you're going to have to do is sit down with her and co-create a new picture of what this is going to look like. Right? And if I'm with you, she's a person of value.

She's worthy of being loved too. And if she's put her past behind her and she's moving on in a committed relationship with you and you are the end all be all, then she deserves forgiveness and moving on just like anybody else does. But there's a part of me that says you don't trust her yet, that you're not ready to paint a whole new picture with her included in it because she meant, right? And so that's going to, at those building a new, painting a new picture together, building a new building,

and working on that trust is going to be like an infinity signal. It's going to work together. You have to keep working on this, keep working on it. And then, brother, you just have to grieve because you got a picture of what was and it's gone now. And now you know something new, right? Scales came off your eyes and now you got a new vision of what's going forward and you're going to have to grieve that, man. Just be open about it. And so, it's going to be hard, yet the things to do are relatively simple. It's going to be getting up every day and remembering to respect her and be kind to her, not weaponize her and love her like she's your wife because she is. Like she's the future mother of your baby, which she is.

And it's going to be honest and open about rebuilding trust. So, how does that sound? Does that sound like something you want to do, be a part of? Yeah, you're right that trust is still hard to get back, but I think at this point, she is the future, so I want to do anything I can. So you mentioned something earlier. You said you were jealous.

What does that mean? Just that image of that past work. I think it's getting in the way of the intimacy. Yep. Obviously, I wasn't in the picture. But just having that thought. Is it getting in the way of your intimacy? you're starting to put these images in on loop replay replay how do you measure up how many were there where were they i wonder if she tried this are you going down that road you know all of that yeah so hey listen

there is no fruit in detail mining. If she sat there and gave you a rundown of every single trick she ever turned, if she gave you a rundown and a physical description of every person she was ever with, it wouldn't make you feel better. And this is going to be part of your healing process,

which is to let some of that stuff go. And what you're going to have to do is practice, practice controlling your thoughts when you go down those roads, because what's going to lead you to be highly insecure, highly frustrated, never being able to be in the present moment with her because the moment that one thought pops in your head, I wonder if she was somebody else did this,

or I wonder if, I wonder if this could have, then you are officially not present anymore and you are somewhere in her imagined past. Right? Right. And so you're going to have to work hard that when that image pops in your head, you say out loud, nope, and you have another image ready to go to, which is probably her staring right back at you. But we have this fantasy that if we just know every detail, all right, good.

It's not true. The same thing happened with folks. When somebody takes their own life, they want to know why and what happened. Man, you can learn all that stuff. It never takes away that hurt. It never takes away that feeling of loss, right? And how does she respond when you tell her that you're struggling with thoughts of jealousy and your imagination runs wild on you? She's pretty understanding,

but it's not something she really enjoys talking about. It's gotten a little heated. Yeah. Does it feel good to bring it up? Maybe at first, but I don't think it ever ends well. Yeah, you know what it's like? It's like throwing a punch

feels good and if it connects solid brother man it feels good for one second and then you see their look on their face you see them fall to the ground and your takes over right that don't turn around, this whole thing around, and you put yourself in some sort of superior position and beat her up with her past. If you say you're all in, you're all in.

You've got to put your bricks down too, brother. Your bricks of insecurity, your bricks of not enough, your bricks of moral superiority. Well, I never did this. You're right, you didn't. Congratulations. You said bricks of moral superiority. Well, I never did this. You're right. You didn't. Congratulations. You said I'm all in. Right? Right. So in the same way that you have to rebuild trust with her, she's got to rebuild trust with you slowly, but surely

you're going to have to relearn how to trust yourself. You're going to have to relearn how to treat people. When you get angry, you're going to have to relearn how to treat people when you get angry. You're going to have to learn some new behaviors and new skills. Ones that where you don't yell and raise your voice and get all high and mighty and superior and yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you don't do any of that. And there's going to be a hard journey for both of you. And it sounds like this is relatively recent that you found out. This grief is going to come in waves. It's going to come in waves, just like the last caller. If y'all are both all in, I have no doubt in my mind, y'all

can heal from this, grow, and make this a powerful part of your journey. Powerful story. And there's also no doubt in my mind that if at any moment one of you is like, and dips their toe back in the water, this whole boat is going to flip right over. Easy. Over. You get to make that choice, brother. Man, I'm all in on you guys. Good for you.

I'm all in. Let me know how it goes. Let me know how those hard conversations go and keep me updated, man. Let us know when the baby's born and we'll keep thinking about y'all and your journey. All right, let's go to Jack in Kansas City, Missouri. Brother Jack, how are we doing, man? Hey, I'm doing great doing great Dr. D I really appreciate talking to you I appreciate you calling man how can I help this morning well I need to preface my question with some serious gratitude between you and Dave I mean just a huge part of my premarital dating life to prepare us for the realities and manage our expectations for marriage. And it just means so much to us.

My wife is a huge fan of yours from day one. So it's an honor to talk to you. Well, she joins my mom as she doubles my audience. So I'm appreciative of that, Jack. So are you newly married? Yeah, a month ago, I'm appreciative of that, Jack. So are you newly married? Yeah. A month ago, I'm 52. And a month ago, I married a 49-year-old virgin. Okay. So is this your first marriage? It is my second marriage. Second marriage. Okay. And I'm assuming this is her first marriage? Exactly. Okay. All right. So you're a month in and you are 52.

So you're halfway home, right? And I don't know why I always go to talking about death. Sorry about that. But hey, you're living your best life at 52. You got remarried and you married a 49-year-old who's never had sex before. Right. Okay. Right.

I'm assuming that's why you're calling. Yeah. I mean, this is a unique situation. Okay. Right. I'm assuming that's why you're calling. Yeah. I mean, this is a unique situation. So, um, I, I, uh, I feel like we're having some intimacy challenges where we've had some attempts to consummate and with varying degrees of, of success. But, um, there's a lot of fear, um, of physical intimacy with her. And I just need some tools and knowledge to kind of help her because she, um, basically, you know, was single for so long that she just kind of divorced herself from that physical side of pleasure was a foreign word, I think. So she's kind of reintegrating, you know, even that language into that part of her life. And we knew this going in.

It's not a surprise. We just are going to take our time with it. But I'm just, you know, I'm like... Who are you, Jack? You're like the greatest guy I've ever met. Because you know what I was expecting? Hey, you know what I was expecting? I was expecting you to say, what's wrong with my wife?

And you're not. You are asking me, hey, man, how can I grow? How can I learn some stuff? How can I create a safe environment? Brother, I'm telling you right now, if there's more Jacks in the world, we don't have all this nonsense, right? So you've made my heart feel good

and I'm just grateful to even be able to talk to you today. Just even your patience and your kindness is awesome. So a couple of broad, basic questions here. Does your wife have a history of trauma, or does she just never find the right person, and virginity was a thing she wanted to hang on to, and then suddenly it turned into late 20s and late 30s, and then suddenly she's almost 50, and then she finds the right guy? Or did she have a history there that she really needed to part ways with intimacy and any sort of vulnerability there? That's a great question. She had the only trauma that really played on her ability to form relationships with people was,

you know, she poured herself into her work after a death in the family. Okay. And that was hugely traumatic for her. And you're right, time slipped away. The opportunities, I guess, I hate to use the word dried up. That's such a horrible term, but the opportunities- Life happened, right? And we live in this world where if you don't go to your four-year undergraduate degree and then find somebody and you'll date for 18 and a half months and then get engaged and then get married, or you get your master's degree and then you're 29, if you don't follow I mean, it was obviously her, you know, we wanted to do things according to God's plan, and she did her whole life. So that combined with everything else just kind of ended up with her where she's at. So I guess my meta question is, is she interested in this? Does she want to have a great sex life with you and an intimate marriage and a fun, rambunctious, no-holds-barred relationship with you?

I can't speak to rambunctious, but I can tell you that she wants a normal life in that area. Okay, I'm going to tell you, don't settle for normal. Okay? Normal is boring. Settle for rambunctious. Settle for two people that cultivate desire in one another. Yes. So we live in this funky place,

and there's several great books you can read on just the evolution of marriage. In fact, me and my friend Rachel are going to have a whole event on this coming up in the next few months. But we've traded in the last 30 to 40 years, we've traded safety for intimacy. So you meet somebody, and you're attracted to them, and your heart races, and you can't just wait to make out, right? And you practice safety. Is he going to show up when he says he is? Is she going to return my phone call? That first time one of you gets sick and the other one brings food by, you cultivate safety. And then what happens is you begin to trade. Safety doesn't, is butts heads with desire, right? To be crass about it, nobody wants to make out with their mom or their brother, right?

Or their, or their sister. That's safe. I know that person. There is no desire there. None, right? But there's safety. And then as you, as you feel safe with somebody and y'all two are, you know, 50, you're halfway through life.

Y'all understand safety. Y'all understand independence. Y'all two are 50. You're halfway through life. Y'all understand safety. Y'all understand independence. Y'all understand those things. What they didn't tell us in premarital counseling, what they didn't tell us in grad school, they didn't tell us this at all. And our parents certainly didn't model this because they didn't know, is that once you achieve safety, once you have the hard money conversations and the 401 questions and you make a will together, once you feel safety, then, and it usually happens in your 30s and begins in your 40s and 50s especially, you have to practice desire. You've got to cultivate desire as though you are practicing safety early on in your relationship. And it feels weird to practice desire because that's not what Romeo and Juliet

told us. They said, we're just going to walk into a room and be like, Oh my gosh, there you are. Or, you know, Jack and Rose, they didn't, you know, Jack didn't see Rose on the Titanic and be like, what we need to do is to practice intimacy. Nah, man, they were like making out in some weird car and then they died to get, well, he died cause she didn't let him on the door like a sucker. He could have fit on the door. But here's the thing. So you've got to practice it, and it feels weird to put sex on a calendar. It feels weird in your case to be intentional about going slow and saying, hey, we're going to have a relational goal of here. And the moment she feels unsafe, she gets to call it, and then we're out, and we're going to have a relational goal of here. And the moment she feels unsafe, she gets to call it. And then we're out and we're going to go again.

And you're going to have to practice patience. And you're going to have to practice what I like. It comes from Emily Nagoski. I'm going to recommend a book for you two guys to read together. But you're going to have to practice turning on all the ons and turning off all the offs. Intimacy, especially in a marriage relationship, is so often ecosystem related. It's environmental, right? Here's a good example. My wife likes to have all the dishes done and the kitchen clean before anything else happens in the evening. And I became so insecure,

I started taking that personally. And the story I story I told myself was she would rather have a clean kitchen than hook up with this nice piece of meat. Right. And I don't know if you can see me right now, Jack, I'm smoking hot. Okay. So I just,

I got to where I was thinking, I'm not really, but I, I, that's why I do radio. I got to thinking, man, I can't believe that she would trade a clean kitchen over this.

And it wasn't until we sat down and had some hard conversations that I realized She can't stop judging herself She can't stop feeling a entire culture that says if you don't have a kitchen looks like this If you don't have a heart that looks like this if you don't have a period at the end of these sentences You're not a true wife. You're not a true mom. You're not a true fill in the blank, right? I didn't know all that baggage that comes along, how much it sucks to try to navigate the world as a working professional wife, mother, all that stuff. It's hard. And so, dude, what I decided to do is stop taking it personal. And then I try to clean the kitchen, man. If that's what it is,

dude, I've got you on that, right? And it took us having this conversation about what's the environment look like? What are the offs and what are the ons? The book I want you two to read, this is not a faith-based book. You mentioned that y'all are both Christians and you have a Christian ethic. This is not a Christian book. It's the best book I've ever read when it comes to talking about establishing, good grief, James, we need a dictionary on the show, establishing sexual intimacy, right? And so, a blow by the parts that you don't like, but there is an extraordinary discussion. And it's written for women, but it's called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. And it is exceptional when it comes to –

I've heard you recommend that book before. I'd recommend you all both read it together. And it will probably make her blush. It will probably give her freedom. Here's one of the ultimate thesis of that book. Life is too short to not have an incredible sex life. It's just too short. Life is too short to pretend that guys just have a sex drive and girls just have a sex drive light. Those are not true. Either of those are not true.

They're not real. And so she cuts through a lot of the myths and then she gives you a lot of tools for how couples can grow together and learn together and how women especially can learn these offs and ons and the brakes and the gas pedals, which is a different metaphor than drive. It's a great book for y'all to read together, but it's going to give you common language and that's what y'all need here. It sounds like, brother, you have a heart of safety, a heart of go slow. And so what I want to do is give her some tools and give her some permission to, don't use the word normal in your house anymore. You got it? Yes. We're not gonna be normal. There's nothing normal about y'all too, by the way, right? There's not. You're not a normal guy. The heart and compassion you have for your wife isn't normal. Her being a 49-year-old

virgin is not normal. I guess I say not normal. It's not common, right? That's a better word to use. It's not common. And y'all's decision to love each other recklessly with abandon. And I want every single 50-year-old couple listening to this show, I want every single 40-year-old couple, 30-year-old couple, mid-20s-year-old couple, mid-20s couple, I want you to get into the mindset of establishing desire. Romeo and Juliet lied to you. That's not real. That was two teenagers throwing a temper tantrum that ended up in a murder-suicide thing. It's stupid. It's not real. What's real is cultivating desire, cultivating mystery, cultivating a spirit of, I refuse to have anything less than just a rambunctious, extraordinary sex life with my husband or my wife.

I just don't. And so what do we have to do to get there? And that looks different for every single couple. Anyone who tells you like, well, you should be idiots. You work it out together. Y'all build this together. So Jack, I love your heart. I was going to tell him to call me back. You don't need to call me back, Jack. I'm curious on all 50 different levels. Don't call me back on this one. I love

you. And I'm so glad I got to talk to you today, brother. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings.

We do this around our own families.. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp. Betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Joseph in Cleveland, Ohio. What's up, brother Joseph? How are we doing? Good. How are you doing, Dr. John? You know what? I was going to come up with something clever. I don't have a clever thing, so I'll just say I'm doing pretty good, man. Man, sometimes you just jump and then there's no water in the pool. That's just what happened right then. So what's up, man? I feel that. I feel that. Awesome. I can already tell it's going to be a fun call. So what's up? I've been having some really, really reoccurring, annoying dreams regarding myself and my mother-in-law. Okay.

More of an intimate, personal relationship kind of dream, you know? Yeah. Awkward. Makes it awkward, you know? I'm not going to imagine it, but I'll take your word for it. How about that? Yeah. that works. It's gotten so frequent that even when I'm trying to not be there mentally when I'm awake and around my family, it's just frustrating. I've talked with my wife about it. She's cool because it's a dream. It's not like you're doing anything. Hey, hold on. All things just stopped. Every digital like zero and one just stopped turning just now. You told your wife about

this. How'd that go? It was awkward, but my wife and I have a relationship that are like Hey, listen, that may be the understatement of planet Earth. I mean, it was awkward. Yeah no i know this is nothing awkward for me because like her mom is one of those people that like

her friends in high school would make comments to her about her mom so it's like she's beautiful she has grown up yes okay and your, your wife said to deal with this forever, right? Yes. Okay. And I wasn't weird when I said anything to my wife about it. Like she completely understood. She's like,

you're not the first guy to have a dream. And it just so happens to be like about my mom. Hey, hold on. Like you're being for real. That's a real conversation. Y'all had. Yeah.

And she was just like, cool, man. She was like, Hey, it's, You're being for real. That's a real conversation you all had? Yeah. And she was just like, cool, man. She was like, hey, it's just a dream. You can't control what you dream about. As frustrating as it is, as real as it is, it's not real. Listen, I don't know what you did in another life, but you married so well. Every day of your life, you should get down on both knees and just be like, thanks, man.

Yep. All right. My wife is an angel on earth, and she's 37 weeks pregnant. And she's 37 weeks pregnant? Yes, sir. Wow. Okay. So, man, we're not even talking about the dream.

I just can't even believe, one, you're brave, and you're like one of the core principles of this show, man, we're not even talking about the dream. I just can't even believe one you're brave and you're Like one of the core principles of this show man is that secrets destroy relationships And right when you told me that I thought oh my gosh, man Just the tension that would be in your home you had enough courage to say that and you may have had enough courage to say that because um, sounds like your wife is a just a really remarkable human being. So when you say recurring, they're happening, how often are these dreams happening?

Probably once every other week. Okay. And how often are you in proximity to your mother-in-law? Pretty frequent. We go to the same church. We have dinner with them at least once a week like we're very close to my wife's parents okay and so it keeps happening and you're now starting to feel awkward in the real world yeah because like i'm i'm about to be a dad to a daughter

and i am just like it's awkward for my own mental space because my brain is just like, okay, remember that dream that happened last night? And I'm like, I would really like to not think about that over Thanksgiving dinner right now. Thank you. Yep. Everyone in the United States just nodded their head and they were like, yeah, I can pretty much see that. Yeah. We're all with you on this one, Joseph. All right. So is this dream a replay? Is it essentially the same narrative every time? Is it different? Don't get gratuitous, man. I don't want that stuff in my head, but walk me through. Different scenario, same end result. Okay. All right. So here's the thing. Good for you and your wife. Sex dreams are almost never about sex. They are, intimate dreams are

almost never about intimacy. They're about, I mean, they can be about a million different things, but they're often about being accepted, being deemed worthy, being deemed up to, you know, that you've got a valued place here. And so what is your relationship like with your mother-in-law? Fantastic. Okay. She has said, she's made comments to my wife that she thinks of me like her own kid. We're very close. And like, she talks to me and my wife a lot about stuff going on in her own personal life and nothing like too in detail just like she talks with us and we have open conversations and it's yeah. So there's

no hierarchy, there's no rule, you're not walking around feeling like I'm not, I didn't, I didn't. She's disappointed in who her daughter married. Everybody's rocking and rolling and feeling great about life. Yes. Okay. So here's two things. One, I'm not a psychologist.

And psychologists spend time interpreting dreams. And most people will tell you dream interpretation is voodoo, right? It's got some reality, but usually it's the reality is how it makes you feel. So that's my question to you. Are you carrying shame around about this? Are you annoyed by it? Are you frustrated by it? Do you like it?

Like, what's going on in your heart and your head here? The all of the above. Okay. That's the best way that I can answer that. Um, like everything that I love about my wife, it's, she got from her mom. Okay. Um, but she's not your mom. No, no, no. She's not her mom. Yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah. She's not her mom. Yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah. Yeah. I, I get that. And it's like, it's just unfortunate that like the person that I'm married to has all these great qualities that her mom also has. And it just like, it's not unfortunate.

Yeah. I was like, say why it's not unfortunate. It sounds awesome. Hold on. It's fantastic because they're great people. It's just, I don't want that image of my mother-in-law, you know? Okay. So do you want to stop that dream? Yes. Okay.

So I'm going to, I know of one thing that is from the, the nightmare research. It's from Dr. Joyner and he's an extraordinary researcher, a suicide researcher, but, um, research. It's from Dr. Joyner and he's an extraordinary researcher, suicide researcher, but he walks through really a clear step-by-step path on how to deal with nightmares. And this isn't a nightmare. This may not work. This is the best I've got. And what I would tell you is

in short order, if this doesn't work, you need to go see somebody, a psychologist, probably not a therapist, probably a psychologist who is going to walk you through other things about this dream. Here's the challenge for you, is I think you like having this dream. You don't like what it means for you in the real world. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair and as long as you like having the dream man it's gonna recur and it's gonna recur especially if there's no power dynamic you're gonna have to make a decision that i don't want this in my head anymore okay i honestly i don't think you're there yet

i think you're more freaked out by it's kind of weird and it's not super common you're probably gonna call your buddies and be like dudes guess what you're not gonna do that and right so it's more you feel like a freak but you like it and until you decide i don't want this man it's gonna keep looping back on you but here's here's the rundown okay um you have to re-script this as the way Dr. Joyner calls it. You have to re-script this in writing. Okay, so you have to write out the scenario and then you have to write out an alternative ending. So let's say you are, I don't know, you come home to your house and your mother-in-law's there

and there's nobody else there. And every time you have this dream, it always ends with a certain outcome, right? You're going to re-script this. You're going to see that your mother-in-law's there. You're going to choose to get back in your car and you're going to leave. And then you're going to go somewhere else. And then when you get home, your mother-in-law is not going to be there anymore. She's not, she's going to quit showing up. And then throughout the day, after you have written this down, you have to run this narrative through your head multiple times. You have to practice it on a regular basis.

Okay? He would say you have to retell the new version of the dream throughout the day. Okay? And what it does, it resets your mind. It creates a new path for this dream to head down once that ball gets pushed down the hill. Does that make sense? Yeah. Tell me if I'm crazy. I don't think you're going to do that. Like do the writing things out? Yeah.

It sounds fantastic. And I would love to not have this dream anymore. I really would. Really? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I,

I'm fundamentally a guy and it's like, I know biologically great whoop-dee-doo, but like mentally and where I want to be with my wife, like, cause we want to be pastors and like, like, because we want to be pastors, and, like, I don't want any crap holding me down, you know? Yes, I do. My guess is there's other things here that we can't handle on a show.

Have you been to counseling recently? No. Why do you laugh at that? No, it, I, Sorry, we're working through Dave Ramsey's baby steps right now and it's not in the budget for counseling and stuff. So here's what also is not in the budget. Divorce.

Here's what also is not in the budget. An absolute train wreck between your mother-in-law and you and a new baby girl and all of the derivative mess that's going to happen. Okay? You don't have money not to do this. But my guess is you've got stuff in there that you've got to talk about.

Is that fair or am I crazy? No, that's probably fair. Okay. So here's the thing. You have a more connected relationship than probably anyone I've ever heard of. You're the first person I have ever heard that in my life that would have told their wife what kind of dreams you're having. Okay. So I want to high five to you and high five to your wife. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. That's a great foundation to start from. I also think you've got some demons in there. You've got some conversations you need to have with yourself, with your past, with your legacy, with your heritage there.

It's worth going to spend some time with a counselor, okay? Especially if you're going to take on a job where your job is to care for other people. The third thing is, man, I want you to try this. I want you to sit down tonight by yourself. You're not going to show this to anybody. I want you to rewrite this script. Rewrite it. And then for the next week, I want you to fold this piece of paper up,

put it in your pocket, and go through it a few times a day. I show up at my house. I walk in. My mother-in-law's there. I say, hey, I'll see you later. You turn around, get back in your car, and you drive away. And then a couple hours later, pull that piece of paper out. When you think about it, read through this script.

Make a mental picture of you walking in the house. You turn around and walk away. And do that several times. Do that several times. Do that several times. And then if the dream goes away, great. Dr. Joyner's the smartest guy ever and you're healed. And I'm going to, I'm probably going to just start a dream show after that. If not, then you're right back where you started. You don't lose anything, right?

And then you can have something else to talk about with your counselor. But man, that's a big deal. It's a big deal. And here's the thing. You said it best at the beginning, and I want to make sure everybody hears this. Number one, when it comes to dreams, don't ever feel embarrassed or secretive or weird. Maybe in this case, right? I was going to say, never have secrets. I mean, if you're dreaming about your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, maybe hang on to that one yourself. Maybe don't bring that home and just be like, Hey, everybody. Um, I would probably say in my house, I'm having some really disturbing dreams that I don't want to talk about, but they're really making me uncomfortable. And, um, I may go talk to somebody about it cause they keep showing up and they're happening every other week, every other week, every other week.

If you're – one of the most common things I hear is, hey, my wife had a dream, an intimate dream about an old boyfriend or had an intimate dream about somebody at work or something. Man, be – as hard as it's going to be, be curious, not judgmental. That doesn't mean she wants to cheat, right? That doesn't mean she wants to cheat on you. That doesn't mean she's dreaming about her ex-boyfriend. I mean, she's literally screaming about her ex-boyfriend, but that doesn't mean that she's pining away for her ex-boyfriend, right? And vice versa. It's almost never about that person, right? But sitting on them creates secrets, which create division, which creates da, da,da-da-da, and you find out that you are way far apart from one another, way down opposite roads.

But, man, hey, I want you to, Joseph, I want you to try this and let me know how it goes. Man, I'll be thinking about this one for a minute, man. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, so that was Greatest Hits, volume, I don't know, 33, volume one. Kelly's saying volume one. Volume one. I think it's Greatest Hits volume six. For you OG17s and all you new listeners, thank you so much for being with us.

I'm going to end today with Kelly's favorite song, the song that she sings to me after we're off air. Actually, she calls my answering machine regularly, and it's super weird. My phone answering machine. What do you call it? Voicemail? Voicemail.

Good gosh. Okay. God, you're old. This is a 1980, man. I say, you can leave a message after the beep. And it goes, beep. And I hear this, John, did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything that I'd like to be.

John, I can fly higher than an eagle. Because you are the wind beneath my wing. Every day, y'all. Every day. Love you guys. See ya.