The Dr. John Delony Show - Hard Conversations With Kids Around Gender & Planning for Death

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So send us your questions at johndelony.com/show or leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 2:50: My sister is transitioning to a male; how do I talk to my 8-year-old son about it? 18:17: How do I manage emotions around my husband's ex-wife? 25:06: My relationship with my sister is broken after my late father's estate issues 36:33: How to have hard conversations Mama Bear Legal Forms 41:29: Lyrics of the Day "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" - Stevie Wonder tags: transgender, gender dysphoria, family, trauma, mental disorders, divorce, ex-spouse, conflict, bitterness, estate planning, grief, Mama Bear Legal Forms, wills These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we're going to be talking about how to talk to your kids about gender transitions and gender identity changes within your family. We're going to be talking with a newly married woman who does not like her husband's ex-wife. And we're going to be talking to a young man in Texas who struggled after the death of his father and wants to reconnect with his sisters. Stay tuned. Hey, good folks, I'm John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show, a live show where we show up and walk alongside people who are struggling, folks who are trying to do the next right thing, and fellow humans who are learning how to be human beings again.

We talk about it all on this show, anything and everything, no matter what's going on in your heart, your mind, your family, or your country, and there's a lot going on in the country. Whatever's going on, we're here to walk with you, and here's the thing, you're not alone. People are having the same thoughts, the same questions, the same concerns, right? We're going to talk about falling in and out of love. We're going to talk about loss, family issues, infidelity, grinding and scratching and clawing for hope. And we may talk about cities that have the slogan, keep our city weird. Keep our city weird. Here's the deal. If you ever have to call a meeting to talk about how

cool it is that you are weird, or if you ever have to call a meeting to talk about printing bumper stickers to let the world know how weird you or your city are, you by definition are not weird. You're annoying. You're an idiot, right? If you have to announce you are weird, you are not weird. You're desperate. Truly weird people or weird cities or weird towns, they're labeled that by other people when they aren't in the room, right? True, glorious, shape-shifting weirdos is just unaware of itself. It just makes its way through the world in all of its beautiful, lovely weirdness. It just is. And so if you ever think, I live in a town,

and our slogan is keep ourselves weird, go to your city council and change that and say, keep us less desperate. Keep us relatively normal, relatively whack-a-doodle-doo. I don't care whatever you call it, but seriously, don't go in a room and have weird as a sales label for yourself or for your city. So whatever's going on in your home, your heart, your head, I'm here to get weird with you. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291.

Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. That's askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. All right, let's go straight to the phones today. Let's start with, let's go to Erin in Lansing, Michigan. Erin, good morning. How are we doing? Good. How are you? Good. It is super early in Michigan, huh? I mean, it's not, I've been awake for a while, so it's not that bad. Nine o'clock is still late for some, James, or early for some. All right, so what's going on, Erin? How can I help? So my sister is moving back home from Philadelphia, and she is transitioning.

And I don't know how to talk to my eight-year-old son about that. Okay. I don't know how to kind of support her, but shelter him. Okay. So I feel kind of stuck. Tell me about the journey here. How have you been a part of this, walking this with your sister and what does moving home back mean? Walk me through what all these things mean. Well i kind of had i kind of keep my distance a little bit um she had lived near us like we're all very tight families in the same town and then she went to philadelphia to be a missionary for a year okay and started taking testosterone to transition okay um and so one quick second a Erin, for those listening, for those who say someone is transitioning, that means they are.

Yeah, from a woman to a man. Right. So they're going to transition their gender from one to another. Yeah. And she's been taking hormones, and I'm assuming she's been working with folks. And so is she going to have gender reassignment surgery? I think so in the future, but I don't think we're there quite yet okay but she also has like BPD and schizophrenia so she's coming home to get help with that too okay so I just kind of feel like

that's a lot to I don't know if I should just stay away that's not very supportive yeah so when you say stay away versus be supportive, walk me through what that means. Oh, I don't know. Maybe just like keeping the distance so there's peace and no uncomfortableness or arguments. I guess that's not really how a family works. Yeah, I don't know many families that don't have arguments. Do you have brothers and sisters, mom and dad still in the picture? My mom, yeah.

Our dad committed suicide when my sister was like nine. So that was some of the early trauma that she had. And then I have another sister and brother. And we all live within a couple blocks of each other once she gets home. And so when your sister moves home, is your sister going to be living with your mom? Yeah. And what does help look like for schizophrenia and the bipolar um seeing the specialist for that the i don't remember what it's called um not a psychiatrist for the people with the brain specialties like a neurologist yeah yeah okay but she's getting

medical care basically yeah she will be once she gets here yeah okay and where is she living now Philadelphia so she actually comes home this weekend okay so here's um there's two separate things here number and I hear you asking two separate questions one is what you do and one how do you talk to your eight-year-old, right? Yeah. So if I'm you, I would be there when my sister comes home, and I would be there with the biggest, strongest hug I could possibly muster. And I would be there to greet them with as much love as I have capacity to put forth. And that is not a judgment on the mental health issues. That's not a judgment or indictment on the gender transition. None of that. That is, I'm your sister and I love you. And we've all been through a lot as a family. And my guess is you and I could probably talk for a couple of hours and unpack just a history, right, of ups and downs and challenges your family's endured.

And at the end of the day, my default setting is always going to be love always if you feel that you're unsafe if the bipolar and the schizophrenia puts you or your kid or your family in a position where y'all are safe then of course you've got to draw some pretty firm boundaries i also know that living with or in relationship with someone who is acutely bipolar or acutely schizophrenic by the way those two diagnostics don't work together. So somebody somewhere, hopefully she'll get better care. I think the last I looked, those two can't be comorbid, which means they can't be co-occurring psychiatric issues. I may need to get somebody, write me in if I'm wrong on that, but I think I'm right there.

But they are commonly just when psychiatrists are throwing stuff up against a wall, but hopefully she'll get the psychiatric care she needs. If you ever feel unsafe, of course, draw those boundaries. But I think your heart will struggle with just cutting your sister out and leaving your mom to just figure it out. And I may be wrong there, but that's what I'm getting from your heart. As it relates to your 8-year-old, tell me about your 8-year-old. I don't know. He's awesome. And right now he just knows that she – I just said she has a nickname. So I don't know why.

Sometimes people want nicknames, so we'll just call her this okay um so is she asking the family to refer to her by a new name oh yeah yep okay walk me through what that process looks like for your family um or what is your sister requested of the family oh to just completely accept her as this new person. And so her and I have had some tough conversations about me not being ready to talk to my son about it. Okay. And that's bringing up tears in your heart. Tell me about that. Oh, I don't know. I just feel bad that she's gone through so much trauma and I want her to get help for that. And I don't necessarily, I don't agree that this is the way that you fix it.

Gotcha. And so here's, you've got, let me back out a little bit. I think that I want you to honor, let me say this way. I want you to honor and mourn, um, the transition of your sister. You had a picture of your sister. You had dreams for your sister. You know, she's been through, um, a nightmarish childhood. And regardless of what you think about gender transition surgeries,

right, you know, somebody who is going down that path is struggling with who they are, who they've been, where they want to go, who they see in the mirror, who has loved them, who hasn't loved them. And that's a nightmare for anybody to walk. Forget the morality of it and forget the politics of it and forget all the stuff that surrounds that. Nobody wishes that journey on anybody because it's a nightmare, right? I've sat with too many students and too many people in that world. And so you ache for your sister, you mourn for your sister, and I want you to honor that, okay? And I don't know if you spent some time by yourself or with someone that you care about just crying over the pain for your sister, but I think that's worthy of being done, okay? That just shows you care about just crying over the pain for your sister, but I think that's worthy of being done.

That just shows you care about your sister. Yeah, yeah. As for your 8-year-old, I actually knew this particular call was coming, and so I don't have a lot of expertise working with kids in this situation. I've got a lot of opinions, and I've got a lot of expertise working with kids in this situation. I've got a lot of opinions and I've got a lot of my own biases and things that I lean towards, but I didn't have a lot of expertise. And so I called a couple of therapists who work with kids and got their insights. And here is really a direct approach that, and it's important to remember a couple of things about eight-year-olds and also to remember something between about eight-year-olds, y'all's two relationship.

The first thing is kids don't carry, I don't want to say baggage, but that's the word I'm going to use here. They don't carry the baggage. They don't understand the political fervor around things. They don't understand the historical issues here. He just knows that, I'm just going to make up names here. He just knows that Aunt Becky now is asked to be called Uncle Steve, right? And there's sometimes a direct line to an eight-year-old. This is, Uncle Steve is trying to match what he feels on the inside with what he looks like on the outside. And so the next time we see Aunt Becky, she is asking us to call him he and asking us to call him Uncle Steve. And we're just going to call him Uncle Steve.

And you can choose to say that's what he's asking. It's going to be confusing for us, and we're going to ask for some grace. And Aunt Becky is going to have to remind us a few times about the new name she'd like to be called, and we're just going to honor that. That's one way of approaching it. And most young children will go, okay. for the first time when they see somebody who's transitioned gender or is starting to and maybe wearing more masculine, traditionally masculine clothes, more traditionally feminine clothes, they'll ask questions because eight-year-olds ask questions. And that's where I ask everybody to be mutually respectful of each other, right? And so if someone's coming to the house and they're transitioning, understand that it's different for an eight-year-old, right?

The other side of that is you can tell your son anything you want. Your son's going to pick up what to do by you, by the conversations you have, by how tense you are, by how not tense you are, by how not welcoming you are, by how welcoming you are. And if you do not want your sister transitioning brother to be around your kid, then make that value judgment, call it what it is, and accept it for what it's – for the repercussions that it's going to be, right? And if you want to continue a relationship while your sister gets well, while your sister continues to walk through who she is and who she feels like and how that interacts with past traumas and all that, then you're going to have recurring conversations with your son. I like to look at these conversations in my house as not as acute issues, like what do we do with this particular situation or that particular situation,

but I like to back out 30,000 feet and let my kids know when people are hurting, when people are struggling, when people make decisions that are different than we in this house make or that are the same as that we in this house make. Our default setting is love and our default setting is you're welcome at our table. And that's just a guiding principle in our house. And I do give my kids permission to ask questions. I do give them permission to have judgments. They're eight and five, right? Or eight and four and a half. But they're allowed to question, allowed to wonder, and allowed to ask hard things. And I'm going to give them the best answer I can, but that's always going to start from a place of

hospitality and love, right? So when I'm saying those things, tell me what you're thinking, because I know you've been down those roads in your own heart and head before. Thinking when I have to be honest with him and tell him everything that's going on. And he'll probably understand. It's probably more of a bigger deal to me than it is to him. I think it'll be a big deal. I think because it's going to be so different and so unique and it will spur all kinds of questions. Like you can just change that?

And is that something— Yeah, I just didn't want him to think about that as ever, you know. I didn't want it to make him question who he was. Right, and I think that's—when I talk about eight-year-olds don't have that type of baggage. Okay. Most eight-year-olds, like, okay he's gonna go on i've had my son ask all kinds of different questions from why are the our pets mating to why are you know what i mean you mean uh two two two women can get married and two and just asking question after question and yeah i just answer it direct and honestly and and it's always – I always brace for it, right?

Like, oh, here's the sex question. And then I say, yeah, and he goes, okay, hey, let's go play soccer. And it's just – right? And then he moves on. This one will be different because he has a reference point for Aunt Becky, right? And that's going to be different now. Yeah. And that's where it will be your responsibility to make sure that your sister who's asking to be called by a new name is graceful, especially with a young kid. Right. Right?

This is just different. And if somebody who's got bipolar and schizophrenia is unable to also be mutually hospitable as people are trying to wrap their heads around what's going on, then that may be where if someone's going to be ugly to your son, then you protect your son, right? Gotcha, yeah, okay. But let me ask you this question. Do you want your sister in your life? Yeah, yeah. You said that with hesitancy.

I mean, yeah. It's going to be a lot of adjustments and a lot of hard work, just like, but it's worth it. All right. I want you to hang on to that last statement that people are worth it. And the transgender conversation, I may do, we may do a whole show on it one day just to kind of talk through the nuances and the this's and that's. But I want you to hang on to that phrase, she's worth it. As I was just saying, I'm sorry, I interrupted myself. We often look at the transgender conversation because it's such a third rail and it's hard for people to understand on every side of the situation. But I like to, again, back way out of that conversation. People are different. They make judgments. They make decisions with their bodies, with their

minds, with their actions that we absolutely disagree with. We disagree with it scientifically. We disagree with it morally. We disagree with it religiously, whatever your quote-unquote disagreements are. And I want everybody to always back out and remember that people are worth it. People are worth it. And that makes life hard and it makes it confusing and it makes it up and down and frustrating. And so is relationships. So are brothers and sisters. So are moms and dads. And so, Aaron, thank you for your heart. Thank you for working through this and trying to love your sister, trying to love your son, and trying to figure out new territory as you go. And again, you end up on two places, right? Hospitality or everybody's welcome, we're going to figure that out, or I've got some value boundaries,

and I'm just going to draw some lines, and we're going to live with what those boundaries look like. And I'm not going to let you off the hook and give you the answer, but I want you to remember that last line, that relationships are worth it. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, let's go to Ashley in Denver, Colorado. Ashley, good morning. How are we doing? Hi, Dr. Deloney. Thanks for taking my call. Thank you so much for calling. How can I help? I, Dr. Deloney. Thanks for taking my call. Thank you so much for calling. How can I help? I have a question for you about how can I manage my emotions when I'm around my husband's ex-wife? Uh-oh. All right. Tell me about it. Well, fortunately, their kids are in their twenties. Okay. Right. So we don't have to do a whole lot of togetherness. But when we do, I find myself just angry. And I recently figured out why I'm so angry. And it's because she's just constantly

making comments, belittling my husband and putting him down. So why do you give her that kind of power to get in your soul like that? I don't know. I don't want her there. Is it? Oh, great question. Okay. So is it, my guess is it's bigger than just comments and snide comments. My guess is that she will always be that other woman who had a relationship with your husband. I'm sure that that's a, that's a big part of it. Does he have kids with her too? I'm sorry? Does he have kids with her too? They have three kids together. Okay. How long have you and your husband been married? A year and a half. We've been together for five. And how long were they married? 20 years. 20 years. So yeah, give yourself a break. You're going to have a rabid forest fire worth of jealousy burning through you for a while. Okay.

And you are never going to be able to – let me say it this way. She will always have 20 years worth of relationship with the guy that you love on you. Does that make sense? So if you're married to him for 20 more years, he'll have known her for 40, right? Right. And that's frustrating and like, ah, you know what I mean? And at the same time, the more you allow that to take root in your heart, you're just, you are intentionally choosing to poison your marriage. Right.

And that's exactly what I don't want to do. Okay. And I don't want to, I don't want it to get to me. And I don't want to feel that way when we have to be in the same room together. And I don't want to let that in. Gotcha. I really don't. And so here's how I handle those situations.

And I wish I could give you some fancy scientific thises and that. I'm just going to tell you how I handle it, okay? The first is I have worked for a decade now, and especially the last two and a half, three years or so, to make my default setting kindness. In any situation, in any shape, form, or fashion, with whoever I'm talking to, with whoever I'm seeing, is I will not give other people my character. I will not give other people my emotions. I almost refuse. And now I know when it rockets out, when I just get fired up at somebody, and it happens.

I mean, it super happens. When it does, I know it's real then. I know I'm not just being petty and I'm being a baby or whatever. The second thing is being honest with yourself. You chose to marry somebody who's been married to someone else for 20 years. And so this is partly your – not partly. This is almost entirely your choice to walk into this deal. And so when you see her – I was going to ask you.

I won't do that to you. That would be mean. When you see her intentionally choose to exhale and drop your shoulders down, right? You go first. Go say hi. How are you? And you can own the high ground here. And if she chooses to make, well, did you see Steve?

Can you believe what he's wearing? He's always wearing those belts. For 20 years, he's worn those belts. When that happens, you can just smile and say, I think he looks great. And then you choose to walk away, right? Yeah. And not letting those things in there. And, dude, when you walk away, your eyes are going to turn red and you are going to get that fire inside your – you know what I mean?

It's going to happen. Yeah. And if you're not surprised by it, you can control it. If you are surprised by it, if your rage catches you off guard, if you're, how dare you? He's my man now. You know what I mean? All that kind of Jerry Springer stuff. If that happens, then you, you are outsourcing control of your thoughts and behaviors. You're outsourcing control of your emotions and then, then you're subject to him, right? So just know it's going to come. What does he say about it? You know, what's funny is, you know, after this last time I told him and he said, why didn't hear what she said? What did she say? And so I told him and he said, why I didn't hear

it. So I don't know if he's just learned to tune her out, you know, after, you know, being married to her for so long, um, that he just, you know, there are other things that bother him. Um, you know, but that that's, those aren't it. Do you feel secure in your marriage with him? Absolutely. Ah, that's awesome then. And if he's smart, he's gonna, if he's smart, when you say, can you believe what she said in his brain, he's just going to be going, uh, take a dive, man. Just take a dive. There's that old Friends episode.

It's one of my favorite ever. I think Rachel, Jennifer Aniston, walks out, and she's wearing something. She doesn't look great. And I think she asks, you know, Joey, do I look good in this? And Chandler's just sitting next to him, and he just goes, dude, take a dive, man. Just take a dive. And he's, like, trying to answer it. And so if your husband has any wisdom at all, when you bring up her, he's just going to be like, just go back into a shell. And why did I tell you that? Don't put him in that position, right? Don't put him in that position.

He chose you. He chose you. And he said, I am, how old is he? 40, 50? Mid forties. Okay. Mid forties. He's like, statistically speaking, I'm halfway or a little over halfway there, and I'm picking you, Ashley. I want to ride out this rollercoaster with you and rest in that, right? And just give yourself

some time. You've been together for a year and a half, and y'all are still newlyweds, right? You're still newlyweds. He just has a lot more baggage in the back of his covered wagon than you do. So I appreciate the call. Give yourself some grace and intentionally default to kindness.

Go first in those relationships and then just smile and walk away. And for God's sakes, don't put your husband in those situations. If you just have to find someone to vent to about his ex-wife, find a friend, find a counselor, find somebody. Write a letter to the editor. I don't even know if you can do that anymore. Can you write letters to the editor anymore in a paper?

I don't think so. I guess you can just get on social media and thumbs down the crap out of somebody. That'll show them. But whatever. Thank you so much for that call, Ashley. You're awesome. Y'all's marriage is going to be great. I can already tell. All right, let's go to Kyle in San Antonio, Texas. Yeehaw,

Kyle, what's up? Hey, Dr. D, how's it going, man? Good to talk to you. Outstanding. Good to talk to you too, man. What's up? So calling about a relationship with my two sisters, two older sisters that have gone stale and just been scarred up pretty bad from when my father passed away. And just trying to find some help in how we can reconcile that, what I can do to get back to where we were before then or just something going forward that could be a little little better man I hate that for you when's your when's your dad pass away that was in 2018 so uh September 2018 so it's been enough time now where I'm kind of the person that says time heals all wounds but um there's still some scars there that we're trying to recover from i know me individually i know we all have our own so i'm trying to i guess give them some grace and and understand that may be different for everyone but um just hasn't been where it used to be i just look for some help in in that area yeah so tell me what happened start with your dad was it a sudden

passing so yes my dad was 67 it was a sudden passing um and he was in a different state so literally i remember walking my young daughters around the neighborhood and then getting home to a text of hey have you heard it from dad and uh hadn't and uh man i'm so sorry and then just all just kind of happened really fast and so we go up there and, and resolve, um, you know, all that. And, uh, really the, the issue, I guess the thing with my sisters is had to came down to the, uh, kind of the estate, the fact that I was appointed as the executor was, um, was this, I guess not really a surprise because all three of us, I mean, we had this amazing relationship before, like just amazing sibling relationship to the point where I heard about other siblings having difficulties. And I'm like, how could that be possible? We have this amazing relationship. I couldn't imagine not having a great relationship with my sisters.

Yeah. And there's also kind of a curveball in here with my mom who separated my dad about 15 years before then, but never actually divorced. So we were trying to manage relationships with each one of them individually. And I would say we all had a better relationship with my dad. We all kind of that was our home that we grew up in um and my dad and my mom we kind of observed them go through that kind of rocky marriage um and kind of a marriage that i think we all agree that we did not want to have in our lives but she still has a claim to some of that estate huh so yes um you know just trying to manage the whole death was already so much and then there was just this like legal side of everything that was

overwhelming. So, um, yeah, it was kind of crazy. I remember like, I'm like 27, 28 years old and,

um, I'm just having kids. I'm asking my dad if he has a will. And he had just made his will, like I think a year before passing, which is kind of ironic. Um, and then,

and then it's kind of one of those back of the napkin wills. And, um, and again, I didn't think, I think he could have appointed anyone. He chose me. Yeah. And then it's kind of one of those back of the napkin wills. And again, I didn't think – I think he could have appointed anyone. He chose me. I don't think there was any reason between his three kids. I happen to be the youngest, but I don't know. My guess, Kyle, honestly, and that's noble of you to try to pass that off. Like he just picked a random person.

But my guess is he picked you intentionally. Whether he thought you were you were the most mature he might just picked you because you were the male and that sounds like a very texan thing to do um and he might have done it um trying to protect your sisters and their pretty little heads from having to worry about anything and however misguided that might have been right so it may have been noble it may have been um it may have been any number of reasons why but just to think he just randomly picked you is is dismissive of you right um to own it he he picked you so walk me through what's what's happened with your sisters why why are they frustrated with you why is your relationship fractured since he passed so So the whole, the estate was not anything special. It was, you know, just a pretty normal middle-class situation. And then,

but the weird thing with my mom is there was one thing that my mom presented to me. It was signed by my dad that said, hey, because they had split the title of the house or whatnot, it said, hey, you agreed to have me be the selling agent on the house. My mom just, I guess, wanted to have that. Sure. There's some money in there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it was their agreement. And he had signed it. They had both signed it. So once he presented that to me, I felt obligated to honor that just like a few other things that he signed that, you know, to me, it's kind of a cut and dry, like that's not an issue. So, so I, I had to tell my sisters that, Hey, mom's going to sell the house. And, um, there's just so much black, bad blood there that they're like, how dare you is, how could you not honor his

spirit? How could you let that happen? He would never let her step foot in that house, blah, blah, blah. And so I was, um, I was really kind of desperate and torn because I understand where they're coming from, but I also kind of understand he's in my heart. Like I felt that he was the kind of guy that knew what he was doing when he signed that. And so, um, so just breaking the news to them, they, there was just so many words that were said that I can never forget along the lines of, um, never going to talk to you ever again. I're going to get our own lawyer and sue you. You're just disgracing his spirit, and you're taking sides. And it just caught me so much off guard where I was just like,

hey, guys, he signed this thing. You have to understand where I'm coming from. And I was just desperate for them to understand this is so hard already. Let's not make this harder. But there was just a lot of bad words changed. And so now I'm trying to, um, now we've kind of moved on. We live in separate cities, but we just don't have a relationship anywhere where it was before.

And so I'm trying to understand is that me, do I need to reach out to them? It's just not where it is. So here's, here's, here's a couple of things to think through here. Okay. not where it is. So here's a couple of things to think through here, okay? Number one, think of grief like a, you know, those big giant rubber bouncy balls that you can just smash on the ground and they'll just fly around everywhere, ping-ponging off of everything. Think of grief that way. And you have three siblings, all of you opened up a pantry door and just smashed that ball in there. And it would bounce in different trajectories for everybody.

And so if your sister said some things that were really hurtful, if they were really frustrating, if they were really just cut you in your soul after the sudden passing of your dad, I'm going to tell you 100% those things hurt. They are like knives in your soul, especially when you're trying to grieve and do the right thing. But I want you to forgive them and set that stuff down. They were hurting in a way that they probably had no way to comprehend or wrap their head around it. Their disdain for your mom who bailed on their dad, those things get magnified when somebody suddenly passes. Then we start looking for faults and blame and who hurt who and all that kind of

stuff. And when someone just drops dead of a heart attack, it's hard because there's not much to blame there, right? So then a shadowy figure emerges whose mom who was mean to our dad and then it just gets messy from there. At the end of the day, those things hurt, but the more you carry them around, they're not hurting your sisters anymore. They're just hurting you. And so I would set them down. And if you haven't, my hope is you have spent some time alone, not in the math problem of dealing with an estate, but in the grief part of losing your old man. I hope you've spent some time actually grieving that because that sucks.

Yeah, no, I think I have not. And I've talked about it with my wife and I think it's just distracted by other things. And I've tried to seek out help here and there, definitely not enough, but I'm sitting here like talking to my wife and trying to be honest with myself and i just don't feel like i've faced that yet but i also feel like it's because i have other scars that i'm trying to dealing with that either

distract me i don't know if i want it to or not but yeah i'm um so you're gonna not disagreeing with you you're gonna i think it starts tonight or tomorrow when you're in a space and you might need to tell your wife, hey, I need you to take the kids tonight. And I want you to, best you can, write your dad a long, long letter about the things you remember about him, the things you loved about him. The dude I wish you hadn't written your will on a napkin. Be mad at him, be frustrated about his marriage and let him know, why didn't you just divorce mom? That would have made this a lot easier. And then I want you to spend some time writing about the man you are, the dad you're going to be, the dad you are, the husband you are, and let him know who you're becoming. Okay?

And I want you to be honest in this letter and be open in this letter. And if you say ugly, mean things and things spew out of you that you didn't know were there, that's okay. That's not a black mark on his memory. That's honoring him with your authenticity. And if you remember things that bring you joy and make you laugh, cry, that's awesome too. And then giving yourself a place that you're going to head to next. Where are you living? What's the legacy that your old man is passing through you that you'll pass on to your kids?

It's important to write that stuff down. And this won't be a one-time thing, right? This won't be a, oh, we're all good now, right? You may want to get some guys together from your local community, from your local church and talk about dads. Do something like that. Be the guy that goes first. Be vulnerable, right? The second thing here is this, is reaching out to your sisters.

At some point, you're going to have to, if you want to preserve a relationship, which is what it sounds like you want to, it's letting them know that you love them, you're here. And they may never come around and say they were sorry. They may hold what happened forever. That's theirs to hold, not yours, right? And maybe it's time that you send them a handwritten letter to their home and say, I miss my sisters. And say, Dad's sudden death caught us all off guard. His arrangements with Mom were weird and were not in the best interest of those who were his survivors, right? Weren't in the best interest of his kids, but they were what they were. I love you guys, and I'm ready to have what we had. And all you can do at this point, Kyle, is go first, is to risk, to put the relationship out there, and they may reject you, brother.

They may say, screw you. We're still not over it. I don't think they will. I think you're a guy with a solid heart, and you're a great human being being. So I don't think they're going to, but they might. And that's what this whole thing is about is about risk, right? It's like leaning forward and heading into that. Here's a couple of things. Number one, if you're listening to this, don't do a napkin on a – a will on a napkin. If you are separated from somebody and it's not coming back, go through the legal processes. And if you are not living with somebody for 15 years,

make it official and get your divorce, get the stuff legally separated so your poor kids don't lose their relationship dealing with your mess. It's childish and it's ridiculous. It's just dumb. Okay. You can make a will. We have a will here through with relationship with Mama Bear Wills. It's an inexpensive online will here through Ramsey Solutions. You can go to DaveRamsey.com and we can check in the show notes here with Mama Bear. Get a will for crying out loud. Give that to your kids for Christmas. Say, hey, kids, I'm not going to leave you high and dry. If you have to have a hard conversation, like Kyle's going to have with his sisters,

here's a couple of things just to think through. First, plan your conversation. Don't just show up. Don't just drop it like a grenade. Know what you want to say and where you want to get and work backwards from there, right? If you show up and you're emotionally charged and you're going to have a hard conversation, it just gets explosive. And if you have hard conversations and they start with, well, you, then somebody's instantly going to get defensive and now we're

off to the races. So acknowledge things are going to be uncomfortable. If you have the opportunity, set up a time and a place. Let people know these things are coming. Let them know that, hey, we need to have a hard conversation about dad. We need to have a hard conversation about our relationship. And this is for marriages. This is for kids. This is for anybody, right?

This isn't just for Kyle and his sisters. But plan your conversation. The second thing is get in touch with your motives and your goals for this hard conversation. Kyle said it best. He wants his sisters back. He had that relationship with them that other people envied, that other people wish they had with their families, and then poof, it was gone. And it's gone, and I don't want to talk bad about your parents, but it's bad. It went sideways because of poor planning, of people not taking care of their business and leaving their children to deal with things. And so before you have the talk, get in touch with your motives.

Some of you may want to have a hard conversation to say our relationship has to change now. Some of you have to have hard conversations about you can no longer talk to our daughter like you do. It's over now. But get in touch with yourself. Before you talk to your family, I want you to spend time getting in touch with your motives. Why are you having the conversation? What are the goals for this conversation? Where are we going to end up here?

And then the third thing is creating a safe space for this dialogue. I've gotten some feedback on social media. Folks don't like that I recommend people have hard conversations in restaurants. They think that's a coward's way to do it, that people can't get emotional in a restaurant. I like the neutral third party of it all. That's just me.

But also I'm not prone to getting off the rails emotionally and some people do and that's okay. Whatever it is, create a safe space for that dialogue, right? Get into a mindset that it's not about you versus them. It's about us coming together. It's about us joining forces to move forward with whatever this is going to look like, whatever this is, right? Make it clear you care about other people's feelings, their motives, their needs.

When people feel, quote unquote, safe in your presence, you give them permission to actually speak, to actually be heard. Right? Stop. Don't put this off. Get it done. Right? Get it done. Have the conversation.

Oh, I just got this notice. If you want to go through the will, text will to 33789. W-I-L-L to 33789. Get the guide, right, on how to do a will preparation checklist. It's ridiculous to not do it, okay? But this isn't a will pitch. This isn't what this is for. I want you guys to know how to have hard conversations.

Go have them and get them done. And here's the other thing. We're coming off a messy – we're not coming off of nothing. We are flat in the middle of a messy political season, of a messy pandemic, of a messy education mess, economic mess. This is the season of hard conversations. Plan them. Know why. What are your goals for these conversations? What are your motives?

If your motives are just to hurt people, then shut your mouth. Just shut up. We have enough of that if your motive is unity and safety and coming together and even if other people have to change incredible awesome and then number three create a safe space for the dialogue kyle thank you so much for the call brother um mourn your dad and then reach out to those sisters in a written letter so they can hold it and look at it and say, I want you guys back. I miss my sisters. It's awesome. Thank you so much for the call. All right, let's, we're going to totally change direction here. I want to leave the show on an up note. I want to go back to 1973, one of the legends, one of the legends guys who guy who wrote songs that lifted people's spirits

stevie wonder and the extraordinary 1973 single you are the sunshine of my life a single so good it didn't even need an album it just he just like hey i'm putting this song out it's that good in this song he writes you are the sunshine of my life. That's why I'll always be around. You're the apple of my eye. Forever you'll stay in my heart. I feel like this is the beginning, though I've loved you for a million years. And if I thought our love was ending, I'd find myself drowning in my own tears. You are the sunshine of my life.

That's why I'll always stay around. You're the apple of my eye. Forever you'll stay in my heart. Stevie, that's what I'll always stay around. You're the apple of my eye. Forever you'll stay in my heart. Stevie, that's what I'm talking about. You are the sunshine of my life. Love it. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show. you