The Dr. John Delony Show - He Cheated on Mother’s Day

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering how to move past infidelity A man no longer attracted to his wife A woman struggling with her husband’s alcoholism   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I recently found out that my spouse cheated on me over Mother's Day weekend. You know, he's been super depressed for the past few months. He completely just has been, like, shut down from our family, from his family, his friends. Once it all came out in the open, has the light come back on for him? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Comedy live from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional, healthy, relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat.

I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move for you and your family. Hey, Kelly, I just got back in town from this big event we did in Florida. And I got to tell you, man, Arthur Brooks was there, Will Godera was there, Michael Easter was there. There was so many rad folks.

And one of my favorite things on the planet about this weird little glitch in the Matrix I have for a job is not only reading these guys' books and, you know, getting their substacks and all that kind of stuff, but hanging out behind closed doors and realizing what great human beings they all. So I was watching part of the event because we were live streaming it through here through the TVs.

And when Arthur Brooks came on, it's like my shoulders just drop. I was like, oh, okay, it's Arthur. Well, when he walks in, everyone goes, it's like, oh, he's driving now, cool. He's in charge. Yeah. And everything's fine. And he's so delightful, but I'm going to learn something as well. It's just, like I said, I was like, I watched past the TV and I was like, oh, it's Arthur.

And the biggest nightmare for somebody like Will Goderra is like, okay, he's known as the most hospitable, the owner of the most hospitable restaurant on the planet. But what if he's a jerk? He's the most wonderful human ever. And then you got Michael who's like the single coolest guy on the earth. Which, by the way, people listening coming up on our off the record, which is our once a month Saturday drop for interviews. Michael Easter's going to be coming up later this summer. And Will Godera's coming up later this summer too. So there you go.

Yeah. Just so cool, man. And Vanessa Van Edwards is rad. It's all good. I mean, I love getting to meet people behind closed doors and they're cooler than they are on Instagram. Are they saying the same thing about you? Not a chance. They're all going home and being like, oh, God, I need a nap.

But, hey, out of all of that whole trip y'all took that I didn't get to go on because it's a, For those that don't know, it's one of our different business units we have here in the company. He puts this on. What I am by far most insanely jealous about is that the first night we rented out Disney Animal Kingdom and that y'all got to go just our people. Just no lines. And you and Dave rode roller coasters. Yes, except people don't know that Dave Ramsey is one of the, the two things that people don't know about Dave are this.

Behind closed doors. one of the most insanely, and when I say insanely, I mean insanely generous people. Like I've- Oh, by far. Like, people don't even understand the depths of his generosity. It's wild to be at 2 a.m. in the basement of a hotel trying to find your room and watching him tip people like bell hops. Where's your room in the basement? In New York. Like, you have to go down in the basement and go down across into another hotel and you go.

Anyway, I've seen that guy. He's just so generous. and one of the greatest at peer pressure of all time. And so... That's why you jumped out of an airplane. That's why I jumped out. That's why I've done a lot of things. But we didn't ride the roller coaster once.

And by the way, it got stuck. It got hung up. And we were like, wow, they're really going for it. They're building tension. And it's like, oh, we're past the tension part. And what everyone needs to know is one of John's biggest fierce heights. With... So I rode this thing multiple times.

And then they're like, let's go on the avatar ride. which is, by the way, incredible. And about halfway through, I was like, oh, I'm going to vomit everywhere. And so I had to close my eyes and just be like, listen to everybody going, we, we, we. I'm on this little, like, motorcyclie thing that's a jerky meal around.

I'm like, dude, I'm going to vomit in here. And I know Disney has some, like, like, hazmat protocol to clean this. I'm going to shut this thing down for the park. By the way, that we just reserved. Anyway, I barely made it out of there, dude. I thought it was, I thought it was going to, I thought, I thought we were going to,

see that food I had eaten earlier. But it was wild. But I, dude, I love, gosh, man, when you, when everything feels so dark, I just have to tell you, there are people that you follow on Instagram, that you read their books that are great, great human beings. Like, they're better in person than they are in real life. So if you can catch some of those folks speaking in your area, please go out and see them. They're just, they're the best. All right, let's roll out to Hartford, Connecticut and talk to Rose. Hey Rose, what's up? Hi. Oh, my God. I'm so nervous. I just want a fan girl for like two seconds, so I'm going to do that. Let it rip. No, literally. Honestly, thank you for taking my call today. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? So, all right. So I'm just going to word vomit this out.

So I recently found out that my spouse cheated on me over Mother's Day weekend, not the best Mother's Day you ever really want to have. Gosh. Not good. Yeah. Not good. You know, he's been super depressed for the past few months. I've tried, I'm like shaking, talking about it.

I've tried, you know, asking him to go to therapy. I've told him to listen to your show. I've told him to maybe talk to some of the guys from the gym. He completely just has been, like, shut down from our family, from his family, his friends. Like, and then, yeah, I went snooping. and I found something that I didn't want to find in my home. And he confessed to the cheating. He pretty much said that he will do whatever he can to make our family work.

He is starting therapy this week. You know, it's really hard. He has a son that's six. I just had my son with him a year ago. So, you know, I just don't want to see our family just fall apart, you know? Yeah. I did tell him, like, if we decide to. to give this another shot and really put in the work.

He needs to be in therapy. That was like my non-negotiable because I told him, I was like our sons don't deserve to watch a man treat a woman that way. Like I want our kids to treat people with respect, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And if he wants to change, he has to put in the effort because for months, I'm just so tapped out mentally, emotionally, physically.

Yeah. You know, I work at home. I do photography on the side. I take care of the kids. I take care of the dogs. I take care of the house. It's just like, and then that's what I get. Yeah, and that there's a hundred percent truth in what you just said.

And carrying that around like that is going to not weigh him down. It's going to weigh you down. Right. Right. And so, I mean, I'm fascinated by the story. I would love to talk forever. Tell me how I can help. What question are you asking me ultimately?

So ultimately, I think it comes down to, you know, when should we look into starting couples counseling, you know, because he is starting his own therapy for the first time in a while. So he's starting that this week. So kind of just gauging like when is a good time to start couples therapy, you know, and also outside judgment on my end for wanting to stay and make my family work because I already lost a few friends over this. I got told I didn't have any self-respect or self-respect. self-worth, you know?

Yeah, but that was hard. But listen, if people aren't going to sit by you with your decisions, then they've opted out of your life. You have to stop being so mean to Rose. Yeah, that's what my therapist and I just talked about last night. It's also, that's why I wanted to call to rebuild my self-confidence to, after, you know, getting hurt. Because she's like, you know, your light shines when you talk about your photography.

if he, she's like, I'd love to work on that more with you. She goes, but you're beating yourself up for everything. And it's true, you know? It's just like, what if I did this different or what if I did that different? And, you know, my postpartum was really difficult. So it's just like, did I push him to the point of needing validation elsewhere? And it's like, I can't beat myself up over that. Well, and, you know, yeah, but beating yourself up is never helpful, ever.

No. But hold on. And recognizing that a lot of situations in marriages are co-created. Right. Everybody has a choice, right? He made a choice to go sleep with somebody else. Yeah. Right?

He made that choice. He has to live with that choice. You have to live with that choice. And part of healing and deciding what our marriage is going to look like moving forward is you owning. Did I contribute not to what you did because you, he made a grown-up adult choice to go to that thing, but did I help co-create a home that was not hospitable? Right.

And as we move forward and build the marriage that we want to have, that we want to live in, what am I going to contribute to this thing? Not from a place of, I suck so I have to do this stuff, but from a place of, I'm worth more than this, he's worth more than this, we're worth more than this. Yeah. Right?

If you operate from a place of deficiency, it's always going to run out of gas. If you operate from a place of I am in the driver's seat of my life and I get to choose what this thing looks like and I hope to God he does too, he's in the driver's seat of his life and he gets to decide and y'all both decide to build this awesome thing together. Dude, that's amazing, right? I do have hope for that. You know, I always want to believe that people can change for the good, right? It's not great that it came to this where it's like, crap, I.

I have things that I got a six or I need to do X, Y, and Z. You know, I just, I want to see us also show our kids that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to talk about emotions and feelings, and it's okay to be stressed out, you know, because I feel like a lot of the situations that he was explaining to me, I was like, this all could have been avoided if you just talk to me. Right. And. It shouldn't have gotten to this point.

A hundred percent. And there's zero blame in what I'm saying here. All I'm giving you is context, okay? Are we in the same team with that? Great. Yeah. Often I hear folks say, why didn't you tell me? And the answer is, because you couldn't hear it.

Yeah. Or for five years, what I wanted or what I thought, you said was dumb or I wasn't doing it right. Or you get what I'm saying. These things are often co-created. Yeah. And that's what I would hear a lot. No matter what I do, it's not enough. Okay.

And so if there's some honest, if he's being a baby, then let's call that out. If you reflect on it, you're like, yeah, dude, he would go in there and do the laundry, and the first words out of my mouth were complaining he didn't fold it right. Right. Or if he worked all day to support our family and then he put his dish in the sink, the first words out of my mouth weren't. I'm so grateful to have you. It was, oh my God, you don't put in the dishwasher, right? And maybe that didn't happen.

But if it did, here's what's beautiful about it. Now you know. Right. And now I'm going to work really hard to see this. other guy in my life and I'm going to pray to God he sees me and we're going to work really hard to get to know each other and we're going to celebrate the bloody hell out of each other. And then when challenges come up, we're going to have laid the foundation that we can challenge each other to become the best versions of who we said we were both wanted to be.

And that's a great marriage. Yeah. Right. And that's like what I ultimately want. You know, he does seem remorseful. You know, I know a lot of cheaters, of course, seem remorseful. it happens, but he's definitely been trying to put in the work, you know. Behavior's a language.

Behavior's a language. He's been letting me vent whenever I'm struggling, you know, I'm just like, hey, I had a really bad day about X, Y, and Z. He's been letting me vent, you know, he'll come up to me and just hug me. That's something I've been asking for for months. It's like I'm asking you for affection and love, and it's just like it took this long for you to try to like love me when I've been begging for, you know, love and affection. Okay, but let's don't go back.

there's a period and I think that's my issue is going back let's go forward and yeah here's your path in front of you you laying down a 14 day how can he reestablish trust with you over 14 days

right it's going to be a long process it will it's going to be a while but here in 14 days when you walk in the door I don't want to see your phone I want you to walk straight in the door and hug me

okay and he gets to make his plan when I walk in the door, I want you to smile and say, I'm glad you're home. Okay. And that's it. That's as, that's as tiny,

the new marriage, the building that is your new marriage is going to be built brick by brick. It's not just going to be a magic wand, and now you've got this new marriage. Yeah. Right? And when you find yourself saying,

like, I need to vent, I need to take all of my day and dump it on your head, does venting help you? It feels good in the moment, but not lately, no. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write down

after we get off this call a few things that keep coming up that you vent often. Okay. And I want you to take that list to your therapist and I want you to say, I want you to help me come up with

creative, helpful strategies for managing these type of frustrations that seem to be recurring in my life so that my spouse does not become my trash can. Your path forward to rebuilding this, marriage, this relationship, is you being very clear about not even what you need. I think needs get so over-dramatized. What do you want right now? Right. And him being able to say, here's what I want right now. I want 10 minutes of, I just need to go in our bedroom and change my clothes. I'm going to do

it slow. I'm going to turn some music on my phone. I want 10 minutes. And you go, awesome. Even if you've had a hard day. And when he comes out, you say, I want you to put that dumb phone away. I want you to hug me for a minute without stopping and don't let go. And that sounds very un-Hollywood. It sounds very unsexy, but both of you are getting what you want. Yeah. Right. And what's going to happen in your nervous system is you're going to slowly reestablish, I trust this guy, and that guy's going to say, I trust her. Emotionally, physically, all that. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, for sure. I definitely do. And, like, that's the thing. I don't want to be that partner when, you know, he comes in or the littlest thing happens and I'm just losing my mind. You know, I just start an argument. My twin sister actually checked me the other day when we went out, you know, he was late to bring our son to me. And I just kept laying into him. I was like, I told you, like, I needed to leave up this time, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he kept saying, you know, I'm sorry. like this thing, Ramley, like, I apologize, like, how can I help? Like, what can I do? I can meet you

somewhere. And I was just kind of laying into him. And that's something that I do need to work on, you know? And my twin was just like, hey, yeah, like, he was apologizing, not cool that you kept belittling him the entire time. And I was just like, oh, okay, that's something that I need to work on, maybe because, like, our household growing up was very difficult with like, you know, you have to do things the way your parents want and X, Y, and Z, or they're not happy, or, you know, it's, I think that's worse than that. If you didn't do it how they wanted it, you felt like love was at stake. Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. You do this and you're in my good graces. And for a child, that is terror. Because that means- Yeah, I never felt like it was good enough. That's right. And so more so than you were,

working on not laying into him is I want you to work on a thing I want you to practice is saying the words, I'm sorry. Yeah. I was just mean just then. Can I say that again? Right. Let me start over. Right?

And he's going to practice giving you grace because he's going to see you working. And by the way, zero. None of this excuses him sleeping with somebody else. None of it. Right. Yeah. He made a grown-up choice, right? But you can't control him.

You can just control you. Yeah. And if you come from that kind of perfectionist household where love is on the block and you've been hurt and abused and cheated on in the past, most people in your situation solve for that by trying to control every single variable. They try to feel powerful whenever they can.

Right. And nothing feels more powerful than when you're right. Yeah. When he should have been there 10 minutes earlier and he wasn't. And it's... Because it's just like, oh, you're proving my point, you know, and I didn't be that hard. Yeah. Or the real thing is, I wanted my son, and he's here.

I'm good. I would have liked him 10 minutes ago. I can't do anything about that, but I can love my son well when he just showed up. Right. Right. And if I want to talk about my husband's being late all the time, I'm going to do that when neither of us are worked up. And I'm like, hey, when you're late, it makes me feel like you don't think I'm very important, and that makes me feel small. Yeah.

And that is emotional regulation. That's emotional maturity. Having a big feeling and choosing. One of my questions for you. Yeah. It's feeling that feeling and it getting big and feeling overwhelming. And you work with your therapist to come up with a few in the moment strategy. Some people can breathe through them.

So people go for walks. Some people journal. Some people, I scratch off the corner of my thumb. I don't know why I do it. It just does. But it helps whew. And then I can get pretty clear, pretty fast. What's the next right thing to do?

as for your question about marriage therapy if you're both seeing individual counselors what i want y'all to both do is practice or get some real life skills that y'all can practice outside of the therapy office to become the best versions of yourself often that makes marriage therapy not necessary because you're both coming in practicing these things if you'll find some sticking points. We just can't overcome this communication conflict or we cannot communicate to come together. We keep communicating to try to win. Then a marriage therapist can help, but y'all are going to be practicing in the therapy office. We're not just going to go there and talk about over and over. We're not just going to stir the pot over and over again. We're going to go into a marriage therapist

looking for real skills. But if he's invested in going to see somebody and deal with his old demons and you're dealing with your demons and not only dealing with the demons but getting some skills to walk out of there and practice in the real world um often marriage therapy is is not necessary i'm proud of you proud of you for doing the work on yourself i'm proud of you for holding your ground and telling him here's what i'm going to ask of you and let's get more granular with it what are some very specific ways he can love you today what are some very specific ways you can love him today. And let's rebuild this new marriage from the floor up. Y'all two get away for a half day and look off into the distance and say, what do we want this thing to look like in two years,

and five years and ten years? Let's build that. Man, that's a magic time together. Thanks for the call. We come back. A man asks how to get the spark and sexual attraction back in his marriage. We'll go right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. And if you don't slow down and take care of yourself, all that stress does not just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your attitude, in your relationships, and your patients. It shows up everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy and seeking help,

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keep getting the help you need go to betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off that's better help help.com slash deloni all right hit all of the like or subscribe

buttons is that right kelly still no if you would please comment like subscribe all right let's go to Reno Nevada share

share share no we do if you have a segment or if you watch something that you think would be great for for someone you know No, share it with them.

What was that song Cher sang? If I could turn back time. She's had more than one. She's had a few. She only had one hit. No, she didn't. I know. You know who would know how many hits Cher has?

An ancient person. Let's go to Reno Nevada and talk to Roger. What's up, Roger? Good. How are you? I'm good, man. What's going on? All right.

Thanks for taking the call. You bet, man. Okay, let's get to it. My question is, how do I bring back the romantic and sexual spark back to my marriage after a decade? Tell me about it. I'll give you the timeline. We met in 2007. I was two years fresh off of a divorce.

Nothing contentious. It should never have happened in the first place. we married in 2009 we moved here and we both started we both started grad school yeah not a lot of time together she had a miscarriage in 2012

and our first child came to this world in 2014 and while it was magical and it's blown my expectations of how it would be so six months to a year afterwards, I thought, well, okay, it's, we can get, we can ease back into this.

Into sex? Yes. Okay. And I got a very lukewarm, indifferent response. It wasn't, oh my God, how dare you? It was a, oh. I'm like, okay. I would have thought after a year you'd be kind of enthusiastic about it.

So I was like, okay. I guess let's wait a little bit longer. And I found that I wasn't missing it. I was like a year and a half. I was like, oh, big whoop-de-do. And that just doesn't seem natural. It seems as this seems unmanly, unmasculine. It'd just be like, oh, it's been a year and a half.

Wow, big whoop-de-do. And that was 10 years ago. Bring me up to now. So we had another child in 2016. And yes, we do it in the meantime. Every month, month and a half, it's like changing the oil on a car. He checked a box. For her or for you or for both?

You know, it's for me. I don't know what she thinks about for me. I'm just like, okay, I've checked this box. I can ease up. I can relax for the next month. Okay. I don't know. I find when I get home,

I don't really think about it. Okay. I don't look at her, but wow, look at her now. This is what I'm going to do tonight. I'm like, we got dishes to do, logistics to do. Night 30 comes. We watch something. We go to bed and we'll rather rinse and repeat.

And I don't go on. This feels like it's way bigger than sex. Tell more. It feels like you're in a life. that on the surface has all the boxes checked. You have a stable marriage, you have healthy kids, etc. But you have a life. And I'm going to say this in a way is going to sound accusatory.

That's not what I mean at all, but a life that you've created or co-created where you feel dead in your own skin, possibly at work too, maybe? Very much so. Yeah. What makes you feel alive anymore, brother? or is the light just kind of gone out?

When I'm with my kids. Okay. I'm not trying to brag, but when it comes to my kids, I'm pretty much as constant as the sun rising. Yeah. I'm there every day. Stop bragging at all. That's a good thing.

I'm there every day. I'm enthusiastic. They know every day I'm just over the moon about them. Yeah. Is that you performing, or is that a feeling? you have in your guts? It's in my gut. Okay.

Because the way you're explaining it to me sounds like that's the one responsibility that you take very seriously. It is. Versus I can't wait to wake up and be with them. And by the way, I don't always wake up every day wanting to play with my kids or be with my kids. Like part of life is doing things when I don't quote unquote feel like it. But that's what I'm trying to get with you.

Is that your one spark in your life? when you feel alive, is when you're out playing with your kids? Or is that where it takes all of your energy to do life, to be alive with them? And then once they're out, you're out of gas emotionally. It's more the former. It's another topic for another day, another call. But I do have a child from the past. And it did not work out well.

So I view these two kids as my second chance. I really, really wanted it. And it's worked out beautifully, at least on that front. Okay. What is your relationship like with your first child? I last saw him July 1st of 2003. How come? The mother and I had a very contentious departure.

and the same was if I basically stopped all contact, I didn't have to pay child support, and that would be the end of it. So I agreed. How much does that decision haunt you? Words can't try it. I'm getting emotional. Words can't describe it. Okay.

So you have a 23-year-old kid out there in the world? Yes, I do. with zero contact yep have you tried to reestablish contact contact maybe it's not the

best way to go about this but my thought process has been if he really wants to know me he'll reach out to me nope that's your job brother that's the dad's job to sit down with a 23 year old son

and say I cannot tell you I blew a quarter century of your life and I understand if you hate me if you don't want to talk to me but you need to know I'm here I'm messed up but I'm ready to start writing a new thing. That's never the kid's responsibility.

Even the adult kids. If you were 50 and this kid was 30, it's going to be your responsibility to reach out. Here's why I'm bringing it up. Here's what I'm getting to it. If you have an elephant sitting on your chest from your past, it's going to make doing anything hard. It's going to take the color and the light and the joy and the life

in the adventure out of your soul. You get what I'm saying? And man, you are making amends to yourself more than anything with your two new kids, and I applaud you for that. But if this thing is eaten away your soul for a quarter century, man, storm the gates of hell for that kid.

And here's what you'll get from that. You may get completely and totally rejected, and that might be a pain, unlike any other pain but at least you'll feel because I'm afraid your body has shut off its ability to feel because of the extent of that pain yeah

it's trying to protect you and joy and pain around the same switch I've got a few skeletons in the closet before him yeah and so it manifests itself in our lives and ways but the picture you're painting for me Not clinically. I don't do any clinical diagnostics on this show, but a guy who is struggling to keep his head above his own water.

It's depression. It's a low feeling all the time. It's a dysthymic way of doing life. And for whatever it's worth, I don't want you to get to be 80 years old, 85 years old in your last few years on this planet and say, I avoided myself, for the entirety of my life. You're worth more than that, man. Your wife is worth more than that.

All three of your kids are worth more than that. You know what I'm saying? Getting at processing. And so being honest with yourself, choosing reality, as I like to say it, getting out a piece of paper and a pen and writing down, what are the burning fires in my life over the course of my life that I've avoided

that I need to head right through the middle of? And by the way, walking through fire get scars, you get burned, but you can also return to some sort of vitality in your life. And vitality is the foundation for a sexual relationship with your wife. It is a, it's a foundation for feeling like I've got importance in my work every day. Yeah, it worked.

I'm hopelessly bored. Okay, then get a new job, man. You know what I'm saying? Like there's a prison you've trapped yourself in, but the key is it's locked only inside. The data tells me the greatest gift you can give you our two kids is to be recklessly in love with their mother. We're going to have to constantly be figuring out how can I love you well. And loving you well means I got to love myself. I got to go fill my picture up so I have something to pour into your glass.

And that means I got to ask myself, what do I even love anymore? And if I say nothing, then I'm going to start picking some rink. random stuff. I'm going to join a bowling league. I'm going to go to a gym. I'm going to start doing stuff and slowly re-inflate my life with air, with joy, with light. And it will not feel like it at the time. And if you haven't, I want you to go sit down and talk to somebody because it may be that for a season medication will help you get over that home. It may be that I just need to put some things on the calendar and I'm going to go start doing them. I'm going to reach out.

I'm going to, there's no excuses in the modern world. I can find my son. You can find him. I'm going to make first contact. Yeah. I've looked him up on a few occasions. Yeah. Because I can damn well guarantee you that 23 year old boy is trying to make his way through

the world completely unanchored. Always asking what was so bad about me that my dad wouldn't even call, that my dad gave me up for a dollar amount. Yeah. And that's not to kick you while you're down. That's to say, stand back up. Yeah. I was in his life from years, zero to three and a half.

Yeah. But here we are. Yeah. But here we are. And it was enormously unpleasant. Yeah. And here we are. Right?

You're here today. Yeah. And you can't change one thing about what happened from right before this call all the way back. all you can do is life has handed you a pen and you get to write the story that comes next. What's that going to be? Is it going to be a life where you come home and you put sex on the calendar? You'll have sex 12 times a year and you play with your kids for a few hours every day. And then you rinse and repeat, as you said, or I want to slide in on my last day with zero tread left on the tires of my one wild and precious life.

Let me say it this way. No path you take is going to be easy. easy. Both paths are hard. Pick the path that's going to give you life, right? Don't apologize, man. Your whole life is an apology. I want you to get in the, I want you to picture yourself getting out of the trunk of your car and into the driver's seat of your life and asking yourself, where do I want to go?

And if that means sitting down with your wife and apologizing and saying, I have let the last 10 years, be one of apathy and frictionless fake peace. You and I get to decide what kind of marriage we want to build. What do you want life to look like? And it might be you putting sex on the calendar twice a week, three times a week. It might mean we're going to start cooking dinners together. It might mean all kinds of stuff. We're going to go dancing. I don't know what it's. We're going to put ourselves in a position, even if we don't quote unquote feel like it. We're going to put ourselves in a position, start doing things that are going to bring life and energy and spark back into this thing. You can't think your way to spark. You can't think your way to energy.

You have to begin to do to take action. And if you believe this, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but if you believe it, look your wife in the eye and say, I've got a 23-year-old kid out there that I have let down. And that ends today. And so here's how you can love it. And so here's how you can me through this because it's probably going to go pretty rough. Or maybe not. Maybe that kid comes running at you and hugs you so tight. You can't breathe and you sob and you'll be filled with grief over the last two decades you've missed, but you'll be overcome with joy for the next 50 decades you get to embrace.

You get to decide all those things. Unpleasiveness is not an excuse. Boredom, not an excuse. I get to live my life and I got to do. My job, I'm bored, fine, I'm going to go find a new job. It's hard to find jobs out there. Yep, I'm going to grind away. Who do I want to help in this crazy world?

And if the thought or the, you put it on a list and it's hard to even get out of bed, I want you to go talk to somebody, go see somebody. There's too many amazing ways that people can get the help they need with therapists, with a psychotherapist, with a psychiatrist, especially for a season, to launch them into the direction of life they want to have. I've been there. I believe in you, man, even when you don't. But from moving forward, life's going to be about action for you.

Start taking steps. Not even little steps. I want you to start running. And dude, call me anytime. Call me in 30 days. I like to hear how you're doing. How we're headed. I like to know how the conversation went with your son.

And I'll walk with you every step of the way. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. I want you to read that book cover to cover and use it as a blueprint for what comes next. We come back, a woman asks how to set healthy boundaries with her alcoholic husband while grieving the marriage she thought they had. When it comes to supplements, there's one main company I trust, Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago, and Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family and even my friends. supplements continue to be an unregulated industry, and that means it's flooded with garbage and nonsense.

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That's T-H-O-R-N-E, Thorn.com slash the letter you slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to Scarlett. Hey, Scarlett, what's up? Hi, John, how are you? Doing all right. How are you? I'm doing all right. What's going on? Well, yeah, let's go straight to the point, I guess.

So I got married two months ago. Oh, wow. Okay. And, yeah, so we haven't been married very long, and my husband has problems with alcohol, which I knew he had some issues with, but about a month and he told me that he's been lying to me about it basically our whole relationship

so I am now trying to figure out like how do I set boundaries that are healthy for me without being controlling because I can't control him and without like letting myself be a doormat essentially but it's not like you know it's it's like a once a week thing and he's not violent or anything, but he knows that he can't stop, you know.

Is he unwilling to go to rehab? He started an outpatient rehab, actually, already. Okay. Which is a good sign, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. But he's unwilling to talk about it with anybody in his life.

Okay. Because he's embarrassed about it. Yeah. if he goes through the treatment program all the way that will wear down well I worry about that because he's had problems with other drugs which he's quit completely

but it seems to me like just another substitute sure of course it is from one drug to the next but what I'm saying is if he's in a good rehab program and that what he's going to find is the drugs and the alcohol, they were solving a problem for him. And once he detoxes and has to deal with the raw nerve of the actual core issues, a good rehab program will sit with him

and walk with him through those challenges until those raw nerves don't feel like hell on earth anymore. Yeah. Right? And it takes away the shame part of it, and it takes away the guilt part of it, and it takes away the, I can't tell anybody about this stuff.

If you're around folks who've been through AA and who are in true recovery, they're pretty open books because they don't have anything to hide because they become over time okay with themselves. Yeah. Not okay with themselves. They realize they're worth being loved.

And that love starts from the inside out. So here's what I don't want you to do in an effort to deal with your own, like I got the wool pulled over my eyes or I was lied to for a long time or I knew it was worse than it seemed but I didn't

I thought I could maybe help or I thought once we got married it would kind of like I would be enough or whatever you are feeling right now don't go into the future and try to drag future issues and bring them back and try to solve them in the present okay yeah

deal with tomorrow's problems tomorrow man you got enough today when it comes to healthy boundaries. The ones I've seen successful are not complicated. They're hard, but they're not complicated. They're as simple as if you, if you're drinking, I'm going to sleep at somebody else's house. I'm leaving this home. So if you choose to- That one is kind of a hard one for me, because I feel like if we're not, you know, coming home, then you're like not in the marriage and it's not going to make it any better. That's not good math.

I'll say it that way. Okay. It's you looking at him when he's sober and saying, if you choose to drink, you're choosing to ask me to leave. Yeah. Because I won't be in this house when you're drunk. I can't control you. I can control me.

What you're trying to do is hold on to a facade of a marriage, what you think a marriage is supposed to look like from the outside in, and at the same time, keep yourself safe. And you can't do both. Give up what other people are going to say about you. And he might not want to tell anybody, but that's not your responsibility. Your responsibility right now is to keep yourself safe and anchored.

Is that fair? Yeah. None of that's easy. Do you have some people you could go stay with if you needed to? Yeah, I do. And it would probably be wise to let them know, confidentially. My husband's in a rehab.

Okay. So let them know. If I call you at 11 o'clock, say I need to come spend the night. I won't want to talk about it that night, but can I come stay here? It's one of the boundaries I'm setting for him is when he comes home.

My hope is he comes out of outpatient rehab and he stops touching that stuff and he continues with his own therapy and his own counseling and his own work and he begins to rebuild himself from the inside out. Yeah. Where else has he not been honest with you?

It's rare that something this big happens in a vacuum. Well, I don't think it's necessary. necessarily me. I think he's been dishonest and around this specific topic with anybody and everybody. He's gotten in trouble with the law and then skirted around some of that. Let me ask another way. Are you confident that he's honest with you about his finances? Are you confident that he's honest with you about his fidelity? Yes. Okay. Cool. Then you have some anchor points there.

Yeah. You got a guy who's struggling, who's sick, and he sounds like he's doing the work. Yeah, I think he's trying to. Yeah. I don't know if he's doing it for himself or for me, though, which... Again.

...are not going to help if it's just for me. You're right, but you're trying to get inside his head and trying to solve a problem you can't solve. What you can do on your end is be grateful that he's going to get the help he needs, and you can draw the behavioral boundaries that you're going to accept in your life. And you're going to love him enough to be very, very, very clear about what those are. If you're drinking, I will leave because you will be telling me through your actions that you want me to not be here. Or maybe it's not leave the house.

It's, I'm going to go upstairs. I'm going to sleep in the other room. You get to decide what those things are. It's just hard for me to decide what those things are. Like, I don't want you to do this, but I don't know what to do when you, do do that. So, yeah. Do you have somebody you can sit with and walk through those things with you who knows both

of you well? Yeah. Okay. Then sitting down with them and coming up with a game plan. And then the only way of boundary works is if you hold it. Mm-hmm. If you give him a path to reestablish trust with you and he doesn't follow that path and you don't do what you said you're going to do, then your boundary is meaningless.

It's worthless. It's not worth the error you used to speak it into existence. And so you have to commit to yourself. If I put these boundaries down and he chooses to violate those boundaries, you have to commit to doing what's the next right thing. And it might be that your commitment to those boundaries is yet another wake-up call for him. Or he might look at you and say, thank God she's gone. And you have to deal with the reality of the marriage and the person you thought you married

are not what you thought they were. And that's heartbreaking. and you'll have to grieve that. But you can look at this whole situation. You get to decide what pair of glasses you wear. You can look at the decision. Like you got the rug pulled out from under you. He lied to you.

He's now in rehab. Now you're married to a guy in rehab. That's always going to be part of your story. You can choose to wear glasses that say, I'm just going to keep looking for the negative and all the potential negative. Or you can put on a pair of glasses that say, this is not what I signed up for.

But the path forward for both of us, is A, we're going to start with rehab. He's doing that. B, I'm going to give him a very clear path to follow, to reestablish trust with me. He's doing that. Those are good things. And you get to pick which glasses you're wearing.

As Brne Brown says, what you go looking for in the world, you're going to find it. If you want to find all the places he's still letting you down, you're going to keep finding and finding places, even if you have to manufacture them. And if you're looking for places where he's starting to turn the ship and do well, even though this is not how you would have drawn it up. you'll find those two.

But find somebody this weekend and sit down with them and come up with a really clear game plan about what are my boundaries going to be if he comes home drinking again. What are my boundaries going to be if he's cursing at me, if he fill in the blank, whatever it is.

And then commit, put the numbers in your phone, make sure you've got a place to go. And then commit to following through and have these conversations with him openly and directly. My hope is he's in a good rehab program that will walk him through not just the detox part, but also the getting well part too.

I believe in you guys. I hate this for you. This is not the way you drew up the first two months of your marriage, but this might be a way that y'all can clear the deck and completely rebuild this thing just two months in and get a foundation that both of you can anchor into for the rest of your lives. We'll be thinking about you, Scarlett.

Keep plugging away at it. We'll be right back. Dude, check this out. me and my family just got back from the beach and I spent a lot of time fishing while I was out on the beach. I was always wearing my poncho shirts and it was raining and it was not too heavy

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That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, we're back, Kelly. We're in the same pair of overalls again. That's because we recorded two shows today. So it was literally last time you said something was an hour ago. I think you're kind of going through a farmer phase and I like it. I like it.

I wish you'd put your straw hat back on. She took it off just for the recording of the show, which BTWs. It was pretty sassy. It's awesome. All right. So what do we got coming up? We haven't am I the problem. Let it rip.

And this is from Evie in La Puente, California. Excellente. Gracious. We shouldn't do that. We shouldn't do that. You had to talk with me about that. I did. I even bought you a shirt.

Do you remember what it says? I do. I saw it. this weekend. Okay. All right. I've learned. So, Evie writes, should I continue to push my partner to sell his slayer tickets? He wants me to go with him, but I sees the concert as praising Satan, and he disagrees and says, I'm thinking too much about it. We have been working on him being more positive in general, and I really don't want him to go. Should I just drop it, or should I continue to push him? Kelly, why do you bring these questions?

I saw this one today and I was like, yes. Hell yes. All right, read the question one more time. Should I continue to push my partner to sell his Slayer tickets? He wants me to go with him, but I see the concert as praising Satan, and he disagrees and says I'm thinking too much about it. We have been working on him being more positive in general, I love we've been working on.

We've been working on him being more positive in general, and I really don't want him to go. Should I drop it or continue to push? I think you should control what you can control. And you can say, I don't want to go to this concert. I think this concert's a bad influence on you. When you listen to this music all day every day, I get a different version of you that I don't care for.

And so here's what I'm going to do next. but anytime somebody says we're working on him being more positive, that's not good. Yeah, he is 100% not working on it. No, no. And I'm of the opinion that I talk out of both sides of my mouth on this. I used to follow Pantera around the state of Texas. I've seen them more than any other band in my life. And I remember, I remember, I was probably my 20s, I think, sometime.

And I remember thinking, huh, I got two parents that love me and I have a good job. I wonder if the fact that I'm so ragefully angry all the time is because I only listen to insane thrash or metal music. Maybe that. And lo and behold, I took a hiatus from all my insane music and this is going to shock you all. I kind of cheered up a little bit. So anyone who says, it doesn't, it doesn't impact me at all. You're wrong. It 100% does. And I also listen to crazy, crazy music and I don't praise Satan. And so there's also that too. I don't, I don't know. What do you think, Kelly? You're laughing at me. I agree because like, I can remember when Alanis Morissette's first, when Jack and Little Pill came out.

And you were praising Satan? No, but just being like, because I mean, it was. such a huge album at the time. And I mean, and diving into it and listening to it all the time and being like, I'm this female, like, angsty female now. I hate men. And I was at a good relationship. I mean, I had no reason to be angry, but I was so angry. And I mean, I, you know, all men sucked and all this.

And I was like, wait a minute, why am I feeling like this? Because you just get so into it. And so I totally believe that. But also. Also, Slayer's drum kit has two pentagrams on it. Right. So she's not a hundred, Hashtag Satan.

So, yes. That she can't control that. She can't control that. Unless it's a value that she doesn't want crosses. She has to figure that out. Right. They have upside down crosses in their logo. She has a point, right?

But I agree that she controls what she has to control, what she wants to control, and then she has to decide if he chooses to go, how she feels about that. And she can say, I'm disappointed in you if you go to this, because you have expressed different life values. And then you've said your piece.

and then she gets to decide what she's going to do next. Yeah, I love the line, we've been working on him. So great. He's 100% not working on it. No. We have been working on how nice he is. Yeah, no, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. You can work on how you respond to his fill in the blank.

That's it. That's what you can work on. You like me saying, we've been working on John being on time. Have we? Have we? You have. I have. I haven't.

Exactly. I have actually. No, you have. You've done a lot better with that. That was just an example. But you have done a lot better. See? That is true.

Credit where it's due. Well, that's because you're in your farmer phase and farmers are great at giving credit. I love you guys. Hey, make good choices and be kind to one another. Love you guys. Bye.